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beyondviand · 2 days ago
“I’ve never made a date cream before.” This slays me.
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homofied · 26 days ago
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jadedaceofspades · 4 months ago
Potato Candy from 1933
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mysenseofamusing · 20 days ago
“Because America is unsupervised and they can’t be stopped.”
“Go ahead, feed this to a child; you’re going to yeet them into orbit.”
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injuries-in-dust · 2 months ago
Like a hug on a plate.
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justawholebunchofcows · 16 days ago
"this takes a while to come out. don't worry, I did too"
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all-hail-the-witcher · 5 months ago
the absolute best quotes from bdylanhollis's vintage baking tiktoks
• "thought this was a joke. turns out im the joke."
• "you can use a mixer, i just do this to feel something"
• "fold in sauerkraut carefully. or what? im going to ruin your disaster?"
• "can a cake be tried for treason?"
• "either chocolate fixes everything or this is alchemy"
• *disgusted chewing noises* "DEMON BABY!!!"
• "before pumpkin pie became king people ate they're dead."
• "combine all ingredients except for pie shell. were you rEALLY WORRIED I WAS GOING TO PUT A F U L L Y C O N S T R U C T E D PIE SHELL INTO THIS?"
• "im a fool, not an idiot."
• "its like reading directions to purgatory"
• "now we have carbonated mayonnaise lime water"
• "MARSHMALLOWS!! with the m a y o??"
• "chop up your dehydrated cow"
• "it tastes like it's insulting me"
• "and its not just a little bit. no. its a severe unauthorized CUP of mayonnaise."
• "honey you cant dilute a war crime"
• "you know its horrible now but i hope it turns out okay. like children."
• *beans boiling over in a pot* "ahhhhHH BEAN REBELLION!!"
• "eggie!! how many? i don't know. it just says EGGS."
• "did you just kill my blender?" *broken blender noises* "hello?" *insane maniacal laughter* "this is personal now. you swung first!!"
• "why are you good? yOU HAVE A BAG OF BEANS IN YOU!!"
• "one of the many questionable substances people experimented with in the 70s...pistachio pudding."
• "smells like a palm springs retirement home"
• "nixon wished it was this easy."
• "this was the cold war after all. fear of communist bananas was at an all time high."
• "the 70s. sponsored by the color beige."
• "its uncomfortably appetizing"
• "meat and desserts was quite common back then. so was botulism."
• "'honey would you like earl gray or pork?' 'ill take a divorce'"
• "sweet, bitter and meaty. like my ex."
• "don't say it dylan" *2 seconds later* "CIMMANIMM!!"
• "350 for two and a half hours! i suppose any less and it might gain consciousness."
• "its a little late in the century for war crimes."
• "are you just making things up? who are you??"
• *opening a can of spam* "you know ive never been particularly religious. but today might be the day."
• "a cup of evaporated milk?! have you lost the plot?!"
• "i feel like if i do this correctly im going to invoke the spirit of richard nixon"
• "this aint food honey this is a bioweapon"
• "sir your phone number is 4 digits"
• "well i don't have sorghum because i don't have a life expectancy of twelve"
• "thats the power of pine sol baby!"
• "bake to your liking. sweetie none of this is to my liking."
• "this is what id imagine a toilet brush to taste like"
• "this is why we don't perform lobotomies anymore."
• "should be a pale white." *holds butter up to arm for comparison*
• "i bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test."
• "smells like dentures."
• "not bad dead people"
• "its incredible. and im mad about it."
• "sift your flour three times. lady your cake has tomato soup in it, this is thE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES!!"
• "'911 whats your emergency?' 'yeah that lady carol is at the barbecue again.'"
• "careful not to over mix. sorry im just trying to kill it."
• "now i know this is going to be awful because it calls for soured milk. not buttermilk, not milk and vinegar, no honey sOURED B A D MILK!"
• "disgusting wasnt enough for you?!"
• "call the U.N."
• "bake until done. you're a piece of work."
• *plays accordion on his kitchen floor*
• "tastes like a shower drain or a bunion"
• "this recipe was sent to me by herbert hoover feet pics. theres something for everybody"
• "are you nine inches yet?? said 14 year old me."
• "i suppose its better than eating your offspring"
• "oh betty crocker WHAT ARE YOU UP TO??"
• "you could just use canned pineapple. if you were a communist."
• "can you bake a pie with four ingredients? yes! i could also eat my mattress."
• "add three gils of water. was this written for a fish?"
• "i think this qualifies as a preexisting condition"
• "unconstitutional!"
• "its a breast implant"
• *clunking from the cabinets* "i think ive summoned something"
• "it seems to have collapsed. like the south."
• "the slogan for this cookbook is 'it's digestible'"
• "remember kids the main ingredient in pie pastry is self doubt"
• "fry in two tablespoons of crisco. on this episode of dead white people."
• "i didnt know tuberculosis had a color scheme"
• "ive baked a toilet."
• "how am i supposed to know how big your teacups are, ira?"
• "why do dead people like dates?"
• "easy does it. wouldn't want to ruin a disaster."
• "'ira honey i'm going to war.' 'over what?' 'your cooking'"
• "tastes like a boot. like a size 10 boot."
• "why just live in the great depression when you could also have chronic diarrhea"
• "it wants me to plumpen my prunes in water. well i won't be plumping my prunes in just anything. buy me dinner first."
• "it looks like a failed grave robbery"
• "walnuts aint gonna save this recipe sweetie"
• "you know its not bad it just vaguely tastes like a felony."
• "'where you goin with that tuna dylan?' 'oh you know just making jello"
• "this recipe is making me cry, not the onions"
• "are we sure this recipe wasnt written by a cat?"
• "it already looks like the great depression"
• "bake in a moderate oven. no need to get political"
•"don't tell gordon ramsey"
• "it tastes like a question mark. but a good question mark"
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cruorlupus · 5 months ago
bdylanhollis is chaotic curiosity personified
“You got the wrong man!” 💀😂
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ziraseal · 6 months ago
I love the Tik Tok twink who lives in Bermuda and plays accordion jazz and makes baking recipes from 50+ years ago and screams in his red kitchen with his weird 1950s sitcom dad voice, he’s the only thing getting me through 2021
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jadedaceofspades · 2 months ago
This is not a new one {it’s from 06/19/2020} but honestly? Same.
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jennathearcher · 4 months ago
sentence starters inspired by bdylanhollis on tiktok
- “This recipe is making me cry, not the onions.”
- “I want to know who hurt this man.”
- “Are we sure this wasn’t written by a cat?”
- “That’s not food. This is a war crime.”
- “I ain’t plumpin’ my prunes in nothing, buy me dinner first.”
- “It looks like a failed grave robbery.”
- “How am I supposed to know how big your teacups are?”
- “Easy now, wouldn’t want to ruin a disaster.”
- “Why do dead people like dates so much?”
- “The slogan for this cookbook is ‘it’s digestible!’“
- “Here come the tears. Like my mom after a glass of wine.”
- “I didn’t know tuberculosis had a color scheme.”
- “On this episode of Dead White People.”
- “This is a misdemeanor.”
- “I think I’ve summoned something.”
- “What do you want me to do with this? Call the CDC!”
- “Add nut? How much?? I need nut instructions!”
- “It seems to have collapsed. Like the South.”
- “Are you still here? Dammit.”
- “I think this qualifies as a pre-existing condition. Unconstitutional!”
- “Alright, it finished a bit early. Like my ex.”
- “Do I call the police or a priest?”
- “I suppose it’s better than eating your offspring.”
- “Smells like Normandy.”
- “I should have gone to church.”
- “Lady, your cake has tomato soup in it, this is the LEAST of your worries!”
- “911, what’s your emergency? Yeah, that lady Carol is at the barbecue again.”
- “Sorry, I’m just trying to kill it.”
- “This is why we don’t perform lobotomies anymore.”
- “I bet this recipe is just all the wrong answers on a baking test.”
- “Not bad, dead people.”
- “It’s incredible. And I’m mad about it.”
- “Sir, your phone number is four digits.”
- “Divine is the kingdom.”
- “Well, I don’t have sorghum, because I don’t have a life expectancy of twelve.”
- “Sweetie, none of this is to my liking.”
- “Are you just making things up?! Who are you??”
- “I’ve never been particularly religious, but today might be the day.”
- “Have you lost the plot?!”
- “I feel like if I do this correctly, I’m going to invoke the spirit of Richard Nixon.”
- “This ain’t food, honey, this is a bioweapon.”
- “I am in utter fear.”
- “Tastes like an IHOP kitchen floor.”
- “Sweet, bitter, and meaty. Like my ex.”
- “I suppose any less, and it might gain consciousness.”
- “The seventies: sponsored by the color beige.”
- “Smells like a Palm Springs retirement home.”
- “Did you just kill my blender??”
- “Nothing makes sense anymore!”
- “Why are you good?? You have a bag of beans in you!!”
- “Honey, you can’t dilute a war crime.”
- “You know, it’s horrible now, but I hope it turns out okay. Like children.”
- “It tastes like it’s insulting me.”
- “This went downhill pretty quick.”
- “It’s like reading directions to Purgatory.”
- “Welcome to the world. It’s awful.”
- “I’m a fool, not an idiot.”
- “Thought this was a joke. Turns out I’m the joke.”
- “You can use a mixer, I just do this to feel something.”
- “Or what? I’m gonna ruin your disaster?”
- “Can a cake be tried for treason?”
- “Either chocolate fixes everything, or this is alchemy.”
- “What exactly are we trying to raise up? Hope?”
- “What is it with dead people and their obsession with this?!”
- “If I cut off my feet, do we still have to do this?”
- “I suppose I wouldn’t mind it if I was in a coal mine. But in a coal mine I’m not.”
- “Celery’s just like your parents: dirtier than you think.”
- “What have you perfected, garbage???”
- “Which is an interesting idea, because it’s awful.”
- “Well, at least you specified the appliance, here I was gonna bake this in the dishwasher.”
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rp-meme-central · 2 months ago
B. Dylan Hollis’s baking TikToks (continued) - sentence starters
1. “Boy, ______, this sure does smell like a cake, huh?” 
2. “Are you ready for bologna? Good, because there’s a pound of it!” 
3. “Your friends are going to love the circles of indistinct mammal.” 
4. “This is giving me emotions previously unknown to man.” 
5. “Are you supposed to eat this on crackers or on drugs?” 
7. “Normally I’m quite comfortable handling meat, but this is physically disturbing me.” 
8. “You know, a lot of things start with potatoes. French fries, hash browns, famine, communism...” 
9. “Now, I say that disrespecting doughnuts should carry a life sentence, so let’s see if we’re going to jail today.” 
10. “If I have to beat anything else in this recipe I’m going to be charged with domestic violence.” 
11. “Not sure if I’m curious or scared.” 
12. “I wanted to make this last year, but I couldn’t because there was a toilet paper shortage.” 
13. “Don’t look at me. I couldn’t tell you where this is going, I just know it’s the wrong destination.” 
14. “This has to be the most complicated laxative on the planet.” 
15. “You see this? This is concern.” 
16. “The author calls this her comfort food. I call it a mistake.” 
17. “It doesn’t need salt, it needs help!” 
18. “If there’s one thing that I’ve learned, it’s that Jell-O is inevitable!” 
19. “How am I supposed to survive the apocalypse if I can’t survive oats?” 
20. “In my personal experience, depression and ice cream are a match made in Heaven, so I have high hopes for this!” 
21. “I’m going to assume we have the same size package - although, the last time I made that assumption, I ended up stunned and quite self-conscious.” 
22. “Just like my relationships, candy is inevitably unhealthy.” 
23. “This recipe only has three ingredients, so I’m a bit scared.” 
24. “Are you a sorcerer?” 
25. “Well, at least you specified the appliance. I was going to bake this in the dishwasher!” 
26. “It tastes like an identity crisis on a plate.” 
27. “Celery’s just like your parents - dirtier than you think.” 
28. “Good morning, it’s time for mayonnaise.” 
29. “If I cut off my feet, do we still have to do this?” 
30. “This stuff is great, you know, you can run your tractor on it!” 
31. “This is from _____. It’s only electrocuted me twice.” 
32. “What is it with dead people and their obsession with this?!” 
33. “I hereby sentence you to be overcooked.” 
34. “Is this bread going to space?” 
35. “Yes, I know it’s hot, you git, it’s an oven!” 
36. “Just imagine cooking this and trying to tell yourself that everything is okay.” 
37. “There is no suitable amount of lard! Never has been, never will be!” 
38. “How long does sadness take to cook?” 
39. “Now we seal and shake vigorously, preferably to kill whatever demon we’ve summoned.” 
40. “It tastes like sunscreen!”  
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