#be so fundamentally alone and misunderstood and hurt ALL of the time

[qsmprambling]

I think something to keep in mind re: the newer islanders comments regarding Foolish and Leo, regardless of how frustrating they are, is that it comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of qFoolish as a person, which is partially caused by the persona Foolish himself presents to everyone.

Foolish gives the impression of being a very open person who probably couldn't be bothered to keep too many secrets unless it was fun, a happy and impulsive spirit and just a general fun and chaotic person. He doesn't seem to take things too seriously, going with the flow and doing whatever seems most fun to him in the moment.

He doesn't seem like the type to get deeply attached. He doesn't seem like the type to keep secrets or hide how he is feeling. He doesn't seem like the type who would dwell enough on something that it causes him heartache, because he is impulsive, and free-spirited, and unattached, right?

He's playing with Capybaras, he's laughing with his friends, he's making jokes and playing around. Heck, he isn't even really talking about Leo that much - if you accept everything you see at face value like most of the newbies who never got to meet Leo or don't know qFoolish will, it must look like he's not all that upset about her being gone and isn't really thinking about it too much, right?

But the other islanders know. The ones who have known the eggs, and the ones that know Foolish, they all know the truth.

Bad has noted that he isn't sure other people have noticed, but he can tell that Foolish is hurting. Jaiden too has made comments a out how people don't take him seriously. Baghera left him alone with the concrete because it felt so wrong to swarm him in that moment that she knew was painful for him. And though I haven't seen comments from the others, I have no doubt all the other islanders who have been here for months wouldn't ever question how much Foolish loves and misses Leo. (Tina is the exception with the new islanders as she met Leo before joining the server and she knows Foolish is a good parent).

But the new islanders accept Foolish for how he presents himself. They see him laughing and playing and having fun and assume those are his true feelings and don't realise they are, but he is also hurting. They see him not bring Leo up and they don't realise it's not because he doesn't care, but because confronting his feelings isn't something he is good at. He prooved that when he ran away the moment he was directly asked about how he was feeling after finding Leo's message, or when he brushed off Bad's sympathy and rejected his offer of a hug (but did accept Bad's offer to stand near him, because at least it was something he could bring himself to accept...).

For Bagi it also doesn't help that she spends so much time with Bad, who is someone who is literally wearing his grief for all to see. No one is questioning that Bad is missing the eggs, because it's obvious. But just like no one (other than Foolish and Baghera) realised just how depressed Bad was in his vacation arch because of the carefree attitude he put on, Foolish's demeanor has made it so his grief is not obvious to those who aren't willing to look a bit deeper. Most people are willing to accept whatever they see on the surface, and not attempt to look beyond that. I'm sure other islanders other than Foolish are also being misunderstood - an example would be Tubbo's comment that no one seemed to care and no one was doing anything to find the eggs, without knowing about Bad's drastic actions, or Philza's breakdown over Tallulah's letter, or Fit's quiet grief, or Aypierre's increased drinking, or Roier's deterioration, and all the other things the parents and relatives of the missing eggs were feeling and going through.

Anyway I am rambling, but long story short it is frustrating when the new members don't understand the grief of Foolish because they accept his surface level persona, and that is something Foolish himself is perpetuating, but just remember that even if the new islanders don't understand, all the old islanders do. Even if they don't speak it out loud, and some are more obvious that others, they are all united with Foolish in their grief.

#foolish #leonarda #im sure i wrote exactly this after the moise and tubbo comments #but it is buried in my drafts so #whoooops essay #qsmp #yes i did shove in a landduo parallel at the end re: vacation arch and this who is going to stop me #(forgive my stream of consciousness essay and tags my brain is in Monday Mode) #PS the misconceptions are proof Foolish is too good at hiding his true self imagine the chaos he can cause with that #only bad and a few others would be prepared

[kstewdeux]

Summary: Inuyasha goes into shock and dissociates after overhearing Kagome talking with her modern era friends.

Also on Ao3

A hot clammy sensation washed over Inuyasha as he remained hidden atop the roof. Bile tickled the back of his throat. 

It seemed stupid in hindsight. He thought Kagome was different. From the second he was capable of understanding, the message had always been clear. A villain. Someone whose very soul was diseased. Dangerous. Ugly. People did and would always hate him. 

The worst part was he’d always known their reasons were valid and he completely understood why they hated him. He hated himself too. 

And then came Kagome who smiled at him and planted seeds of false hope. She never talked badly about him. Not really and she defended him too. Sure, she’d insult him in her own way. To his face. Tell him he was an asshole and stubborn and other things. Was hurt when he did the things that made him unlovable. Particularly after events where he was reminded why he was unlovable. Whatever he was doing where Kikyo was involved was usually the culprit. No one cared about what she’d said to him. How badly he was hurting. His friends were only upset because Kagome felt betrayed. Someone like him deserved to be blamed. Didn’t deserve comfort. Because of who he was. Because how he was was unlovable.

Kagome tried to fix him and he was actually grateful that someone knew what needed to be done. 

She alone had the power to make him into someone who was lovable. Attempted to carve out the undesirable traits. She said she didn’t want him to change, that she wanted him to stay who he was but…

She really didn’t mean it the way he wanted. She just didn’t want him to hurt people. Staying a half-demon was all she’d meant. She did want him to change in other ways but she was helping him with that.

All of which was fair. He did need to change his personality and make better choices. He’d let Kagome get hurt. Physically. Emotionally. She’d been hurt and he kept seeing Kikyo - the culprit - anyway. Chose Kikyo over his friends, God and everyone. 

Because he knew he was unlovable and, despite who she’d become, Kikyo had once defied God himself. She had loved an unlovable boy. That miracle - however brief -shouldn’t be ignored. Should be rewarded in some way. Especially since she was being punished for her crime.

Over time, he’d started to believe Kagome loved him too. That his friends loved him. An ugly hope began gnawing at his gut. There were moments when he began to think maybe he wasn’t the broken one. Some part of him was lovable and the veritable thousands who’d come before had been wrong.

‘You don’t have to put up with abuse from that guy. From what you’ve said, he’s…’

The first time he’d heard it Inuyasha’s heart had stopped beating. The blood in his veins grew cold.

‘Violent.’

‘Jerk.’

‘Two timer.’

‘Awful.’

’Abusive.’

Other phrases that made one fundamental truth very clear.

Kagome wasn’t different.

His mind had protested. At first. Bucked against the idea that he’d misunderstood. Kagome would never say anything like that about him. She wouldn’t betray him and she certainly didn’t believe he’d betray her. She didn’t really think…

But as the weeks went by, when he’d started to actually listen to how she talked about him to others, what she told her friends at school, the fundamental truth began growing on him like cancer until he was suffocating under the weight. 

So he tried- oh how he’d tried - to project a different attitude when he’d met her friends face to face. He was pleasant. Quiet. Answered their questions and smiled and was personable even though anxiety that he was doing it wrong ate away at his very soul. 

He was the person she wanted him to be and it had made Kagome happy. She’d been pleased. His heart had almost burst when he’d watched how happy and surprised she’d been that her friends had liked him.

Surprised…

Because no one should like him.

He’d begun eavesdropping whenever she went off with Sango and the fundamental truth grew heavier - refusing to be ignored. The way she talked about him. Like everyone had always talked about him but so much worse. Because she was honest. Every critique and observation was honest. 

Because he was unlovable and she knew better than anyone why that was. 

He never let her know that he knew where she really stood. The mask of confidence and happiness firmly locked into place after years of practice. And…

And even though her mouth told a different story, she made it clear she still trusted him. Didn’t complain when he sought out her touch for reassurance. Kagome didn’t move away when he protected his back with her body or hid behind her when Sango came for his head over something stupid. There were still moments…

Still some signs that maybe he’d misunderstood and it confused him. There was still a chance he’d misunderstood or that he could fix himself so she’d find whatever it was that Kikyo had once seen. Even in its smallest measure. Somewhere inside there was something good about him. 

And Kagome saw it too. Sometimes. At a minimum, she saw the potential was there which was more than he could ever hope to receive…

He couldn’t lose that feeling. Not again. Yeah, sure, as recently as this morning she had been talking shit but most of the time she was a source of relief. Held him when he was at rock bottom and reassured him. Put in the work to change him into someone who might have a shot at normal. She wanted him to be normal. She was helping him.

Because Kagome was kind.

And he wasn’t. 

That…that was something he should change. He should be nicer to people. Talk softly and gently. Like a hero would instead of acting like a villain. One thing he did have going for him were his suicidal tendencies. Not active or nothing but he was a little too comfortable with the idea of death. He really didn’t care one way or the other. That type of sacrificial and apathetic attitude was absolutely perfect for tearing who he was down and building up something more appealing. All he had to do was not be himself. Kill off the bad parts. 

He just-

“Hey. Hey, can you hear me?” Kagome’s voice finally registered in his mind and through sluggish blinking, Inuyasha finally realized that she’d been talking to him. He raised his eyes and saw the others staring at him. Worry. They were worried. Why were they worried? 

What happened?

Something gently brushed his cheek while a warmth squeezed his hand. 

It was dark. Night time. Hadn’t they only just set up camp? They hadn’t even made dinner yet, huh? The small crackling fire casting shadows looked further away than he remembered. 

The timeline of the day seemed really clear. That morning he’d gone to get Kagome. Tracked her to the food place she frequented. Listened to her talk to her friends about how awful he was and them telling her to leave. Kagome mumbled something about not having a choice and some other things too he couldn’t quite remember. She’d gotten defensive when she saw him waiting for her but also worried. It was the same look she got when he’d gotten one of his more gruesome injuries and it hadn’t made sense. He’d been fine. They’d come back. They stopped here. Set up camp.

Had something happened? 

Maybe he’d gotten injured and hadn’t realized it. That would explain the look and why he couldn’t remember…

“What happened? Was I hurt?” Inuyasha asked in a strange voice as his mind struggled to make sense of this development and the looks of worry increased ten fold. Sango’s eyes bordered on terrified.

“No…” Kagome replied slowly and softly like she thought he was losing his mind, “Are you-“

Weird. He was being weird. He hadn’t meant to be. Kagome would want him to apologize for not listening to her. That’s what she would want and for some unfathomable reason, a compulsion to please her overrode his usual thought process. 

“Oh,” he mumbled awkwardly, “Sorry. I guess.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Kagome breathed as both hands moved to cup his face and stroke his cheeks. When he simply seemed to zone out again, she did the only thing she could think to do.

She held him. Tightly. Pet his hair and, much to Inuyasha’s utter shock, she pressed her lips firmly against his temple. These tokens of affection weren't unwelcome. Weird maybe and meaningless but he wouldn't deny that her touch felt nice.

“You’re okay,” she whispered against his skin as her arms increased their pressure, “Come on. Why don’t we lay down, huh? Get some rest?”

What was wrong with him? Something was wrong. His mind felt…

His body wasn’t…

“Was I hurt?” he asked again - his voice sounding distant and odd. Kagome let out a shuddering breath before pulling back and bringing her face so close their noses almost touched.

There was something guilty behind her gaze. Apologetic and knowing.

“I think so,” she offered softly, “Really bad too. I think you might be in shock so why don’t we lay down, hm? We’ll talk more in the morning.”

Inuyasha’s amber eyes sluggishly moved towards the monk, slayer and kit who all looked confused. Like she was lying to him.

Except Kagome didn’t lie. She’d never lied.

“Hey Miroku. Can you get my sleeping bag and bring it over here?” Kagome asked without taking her eyes off his face. The monk jumped but did immediately move to do as he was asked. Sango looked like she wanted to speak. Her eyes wavering and her hand slightly outstretched like she wanted to touch him. 

“Are you guys okay?” Inuyasha asked then as his mind slowly began working again - his voice still sounding weird to his own ears as he looked at Kagome again, “Was it bad?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re okay,” the miko promised as she gave him a sad little smile. Her eyes didn’t match her words though. There was pain in them. A lot of it.

“You’re hurt,” he stated more than asked as his eyes sluggishly began scanning her for injury, “M’sorry.”

Something behind her eyes shattered as she stared at him with unbridled heartbreak and horror. His own body felt heavier the longer he looked. He wanted to help her but for some odd reason, he couldn’t move. All he could manage-

“I’ll do better next time. I’ll protect you.”

It looked like all the air whooshed out of her body while the sleeping bag was laid down and the monk quickly unfurled it. Kagome gently took his hands which confused him and began tugging him with her.

“Come lay down with me,” Kagome murmured affectionately - the request strange and unexpected. Weirder still - when he complied without thinking and crawled in - she collected him against her. Arranged his face to rest just over her heart and allowed him to rest his body against her side. This too was strange but it was weirder that he just let her do whatever. Like he didn’t have it in him to fight.

Her lips pressed against his temple again and her fingers began massaging his scalp. It was nice and he found himself relaxing. His body melting into her hold while his consciousness ebbed.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I don’t have an excuse and it was wrong,” she whispered as her lips pressed against his temple, “I love you. So so much. I’m going to fix it. Set things right. I promise.”

That promise didn’t make sense. Inuyasha let out a soft grunt to appease her as he snuggled closer. This was nice. Didn’t make sense but being held like this was nice. Warm. Comfortable. Safe.

“M’sorry you got hurt,” Inuyasha mumbled tiredly as he lazily draped one arm across her waist and his breathing began to even out. Kagome tensed and he heard her swallow.

“Inuyasha. I love you,” she repeated - slower this time like she honestly thought he hadn’t heard her but people just said things like that sometimes when they were afraid and he already knew she cared. He must’ve been hurt really bad.

“M’sorry I scared you. I’ll be more careful,” he offered tiredly and suddenly Kagome was on her side. He was being pulled closer - his face now securely tucked beneath her chin.

“I love you,” she repeated breathlessly as she rubbed her cheek against the top of his head, “I am the only one who needs to be apologizing right now, okay? I am so, so sorry.”

This whole…thing wasn’t making sense. He was missing some crucial piece of information. He nuzzled her sternum as he began drifting off. Weird or not, being held like this was nice. Warm. Safe.

Kagome pressed her lips against his temple again and the scent of salty tears hit his nose. She must have been really scared. Whatever happened must’ve been bad.

“M’sorry I scared you,” he mumbled tiredly as he adjusted himself into a more comfortable position, “M’sorry.”

She simply held him tighter.

The next thing Inuyasha registered was the chirping of birds. That and the churning of his stomach like he was about to vomit. His chest felt tight too and it was hard to breathe.

The warm thing holding him in place stirred and something soft pressed against his temple.

“I love you,” Kagome’s cracking voice whispered and his stomach dropped as what his mind had been repressing rushed forward.

‘Sometimes I just really hate him, you know?’

A little bit of bile built up in his throat but he couldn’t find the strength to move. All he could do was remember how to breathe.

Kagome hated him. She hated him. He thought she was different but she wasn’t and at that realization, something cold settled in his gut. His body started to tingle and then went abruptly numb.

But he still pressed his face closer. Tried to find the reassurance he normally felt in her presence but failed miserably. Now the touch which grounded him only made him feel ill. 

He felt Kagome’s chest shudder as the arm draped over her back pulled him closer.

“Inuyasha, I do not hate you. I know you must’ve heard what I said but I promise it’s not true. I do not hate you and I do not know why I said that. I don’t have an excuse,” she whispered in between soft shuddering sobs, “I nevershould have said that. I love you. I love you.”

The cold, nauseous feeling grew stronger than vanished entirely leaving him feeling hollow and empty. 

“It’s okay,” he heard his voice answer in the weirdest toneless tone, “It’s okay to hate me. I get it. Don’t feel bad.”

A loud sob followed that statement but her tears didn’t make him feel any type of way. 

He pulled back and effortlessly escaped her vice grip. An eerie strangled smile played on his lips that had her blotchy crumpled face look even more miserable.

“Hey. It’s-“

She dipped forward and pressed her lips against his. It took a moment then two and then he hesitantly pressed back if only to make her calm down. 

In response she clutched at him and kissed him harder like she was trying to pour something into him. Like she was trying to make him understand something.

But he did understand. He’d always understood.

The kissing was starting to make him feel uncomfortable though. He wanted it to stop.

He scooted down to escape and moved back to his former position where he’d felt safe. Protected. Warm. Feelings that shouldn’t be there but existed nonetheless.

Broken. He felt broken. Like something fundamental had been stolen from his very being without him realizing it. 

Life after that morning had been strange. Nothing seemed to matter and there were a lot of times he’d come back to reality not knowing where he was. His body acting on autopilot as he existed. His friends always seemed to be nearby and touching him in some way. Their backs against his. A hand on an arm or his knee. A few times he’d even come back to reality with his head in Kagome’s lap. 

The others always seemed mad at Kagome too. Their looks of disgust and borderline hatred made no sense. She hadn’t done anything wrong. 

“I will never forgive you for this,” he heard Sango hiss - the animosity and acid almost tangible.

“What happened?” Inuyasha asked in a small voice as he glanced between the two girls who jumped and whipped their heads towards him. They were so close he could touch them but he couldn’t seem to remember how he got here. Everything was a blur.

His stomach rumbled.

“Do we got anything to eat?” he asked quietly - the topic shift seeming to upset the slayer even more. 

“We just made some rice. I’ll get you some,” Sango offered as she reached out and gently stroked his cheek, “Just stay right here, okay?”

He felt gross. Like he hadn’t bathed in days. Something was wrong with him. Something-

“Something’s wrong. With me. Something’s wrong, huh?” he whispered in a strange dissociated tone that didn’t sound like him.

Sango scoffed and rolled her eyes as she got up to fetch him food. Kagome looked even more miserable. She looked thinner too. 

“You…you should eat too,” he continued to mumble as his eyes took in Kagome’s appearance, “You okay?”

Tears began welling in the miko’s eyes even as she gave him a reassuring smile.

“I’m fine. I am,” Kagome whispered hoarsely before moving closer and settling beside him. Their hips touched and her cheek rested on his shoulder, “I love you. More than anything.”

Those words sounded familiar. Like he’d heard them a thousand times but he honestly couldn’t remember hearing them before.

“You love me?” he repeated in a confused tone and he felt Kagome tense. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I love you,” she sniffled as she let more of her weight sag against him, “You’re my favorite thing in the world.”

Inuyasha could feel himself breathing heavier as his mind struggled with this new information.

“You love me?” he asked again - his voice hollow and confused.

“Yeah.”

A small warm bowl was placed in his hands and his dull eyes lowered. Rice. He liked rice. 

None of this felt real. Almost like he was in one of those dreams where he had some control but was simply watching from the sidelines.

“I love you too,” he mumbled back then - his voice not sounding like his own. The sentiment was real enough. Almost tangible. But here in the dream world it was safe to say it. Nothing could actually hurt him here.

“I know you do,” Kagome sniffled while her arms lightly circled his arm and squeezed. Closing his eyes, Inuyasha relished in the phantom sensation. A world where everything was okay and he was lovable. A world where he…

“You need to eat,” he heard Sango’s irritated voice huff before a glob of sweet rice was suddenly stuffed into his pried open mouth. The sudden and rough motion brought reality into sharp focus around him. 

His own loud and heavy breathing rang out in his ear. The sudden trembling of his muscles physically hurt. Every minor injury - of which there were apparently plenty - throbbed and burned. 

And his heart ached. All the pain he’d apparently stored away for a rainy day burst forth at once. He gagged. Once. Twice-

“Oh no-“

The limited contents of his stomach spewed all over the grass, in his food, on his clothes. His ears rang and his body convulsed as the torrent refused to stop. 

He blacked out after that. Woke up in a dark room with wet hair and foreign clothes. He felt sore everywhere. He…

Something warm rushed over his face - tickling his skin and playing with his hair.

Opening his eyes was hard but he managed. Kagome…

She was asleep he realized. They were on a futon. A heavy blanket on top of their bodies. Her hand twitched against his neck where it’d fallen. She must’ve been stroking his face.

His lips twitched upwards as his eyelids fluttered closed. He moved his heavy hand to gently rest at the nape of her neck. Moved his thumb along her jaw.

She’d said she loved him, hadn’t she? That hadn’t been a dream. She loved him.

She loved someone who was unlovable. A soft disbelieving laugh bubbled over his lips. She never lied. She wouldn’t say that unless it was true. 

She loved him. 

‘So why did she say she hates me. She never lies,’ a nasty little whispered echoed in his mind and the good feeling was vanquished. He retracted his hand like her skin burned and the hand against his own neck was suddenly cupping his face.

“Inuyasha. I love you,” a tired voice whispered. 

‘She never lies…’

The voice was louder this time and it stole the air from his lungs.

The thumb caressing his cheek paused.

“ I guess I lie sometimes,” Kagome’s voice whispered - sounding pained and unsure, “I do lie sometimes. I love you. I don’t hate you. I lied.”

Sluggishly, amber opened to find Kagome staring at him looking nothing less than heartsick and afraid.

“Why?” 

He wasn’t even sure he’d said that aloud.

“I meant frustrated,” she tried looking ashamed and a little sick, “That’s not an excuse. I love you. More than anything. That’s the truth.”

Inuyasha knew he must’ve looked weary. Distrustful. Because her expression crumpled and she looked like he stabbed her.

“You don’t have to forgive me,” she continued thickly - a few tears welling in her eyes, “I don’t want you to forgive me. I just want you to smile again.  Be yourself again. I b-broke you-“

A strangled sob followed.

“I broke you,” she repeated as tears cascaded down her cheeks, “If you need m-me to g-go I will. Anything you want or need m-me to do. J-just tell me.”

Inuyasha couldn’t look at her anymore and clenched his eyes tightly shut.

“I’ll g-go,” she promised and he heard her sit up, “I’ll go.  J-just p-promise you’ll f-find a way to-“

Inuyasha’s hand shot out before he realized he moved and he tugged. 

He heard her breathing hitch as he pulled himself closer then lifted his head so it rested on her lap.

Forgiveness. 

Her fingers lightly brushed his cheek and a flicker of foreign reassurance washed over his sore muscles. 

The sniffles continued as she pet his face and hair. With each gentle caress, Inuyasha felt more. Emotions, sensation, everything began trickling into his hollow body. He wouldn’t be himself again. Wouldn’t be whole. Wouldn’t stop getting locked away. Not for awhile but this was a start. 

“I love you,” she whispered and a shuddering sigh of relief bubbled over his lips. Truth. That was the truth.

He wasn’t unlovable after all.

#inuyasha x kagome #inuyasha fanfic #inuyasha #inukag fanfiction #inukag #ao3 #fanfiction #inuyasha and kagome #Inuyasha story #one shot

[ninesugars]

the way jade is so wildly mischaracterized as codependent is so bad. she grew up alone for the majority of her childhood on an island with nobody else around. why is it so commonly decided that what she longs for is romance? we've seen her feelings for davesprite, sure, but her relationship with dave is incredibly similar to that of roxy and dirk's- roxy didn't know if she wanted to be him or be with him and jade had the same dilemma. why did she envy him, anyways? jade is the "loneliest girl in the world", she feels deeply misunderstood on this fundamental emotional level that she doesn't even know how to begin to tackle- so she sees dave, someone who was raised to fight as she was and she sees the facade he puts on of this strength and wants that for herself. she wishes that what she went through made her strong, having to stuff her own grandfather's corpse and train shooting the wild animals she adored from afar for this hypothetical "purpose". It didn't make her strong. It just made her feel more alone. what she doesn't know, though, is that dave feels the exact same way. dave's trauma didn't make him any stronger, either. they dealt with their anger in different ways and jade admired how dave never hurt anyone or lashed out like she did. she thought, "man, dave is such a good person, he doesn't hurt others when hes hurting. i want to be more like him." but didn't know that projecting all of your anger onto yourself through flimsy masks isn't healthy either! jade doesn't love dave in the way she thinks, she's envious. she wants to be him. but not the him that's just as "weak" as she is. i really do think that as davesprite and jade got closer on the ship and his mask started to crack jade was visibly less interested whether she knew it or not, and that's why davesprite started to distance himself. he knew she didn't actually want to know him, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to know her just yet either. to go through that. to know jade's struggles would be more of a reason to feel like shit about her death in his timeline. davesprite and jade have one thing in common: they didn't get the closure dave did. the realizations he had that what he went through was wrong. jade doesn't know how to interact with this new dave. he's mellowed out, it seems, and she's only gotten more and more angry over time. what closure did she get? bec combining with her? what if that's not what she wanted? dave had all this "liberty" to choose who he wanted to be but jade never had a chance to think about who she was because she was just becoming somebody because of the game and when it was over her purpose was gone. jade is so angry, so so angry that she doesn't even realize it, but what about when she's on earth c? do you really think that anger would manifest itself into codependency, or would she begin to feel what dave felt when he forced all of his emotions down? jade post-canon would revert to being the loneliest girl in the world but not in the way she was before. surrounded by people this time. forcing herself to put on a smile. but when she'd return "home" she'd stare at herself in the mirror, this new jade, with dark circles under her eyes. after scrubbing her face just a bit too long and a bit too hard she'd lay down and stare at her ceiling. unmoving. what purpose did she have anymore? usually these thoughts would spiral until she'd just turn over and try to stop thinking about it, but one night. just once, she'd get a concerned knock on her door from an old friend. dave strider wasn't here to save her from herself. he was here to tell her one thing and one thing only and that was just a concerned word from a friend, not a question; an answer, "this is gonna sound funny coming from me" he says with a dry laugh, "but im worried that you arent as ok as youre letting on. we all are."

and her world crumbles.

#THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE EPILOGUES THIS IS MY POST CANON BRAIN PALACE WHERE I MAKE THE RULES #also this is just. so terribly long but i hope what im saying makes sense #i really love jade i think she deserved so much better #you can tell hussie didnt like her but i do. i like her so much. so im deciding that she gets an arc too #my ramblings #long post #homestuck #jade harley #character analysis #i think? #💬

[bredforloyalty]

hey every time i log onto this website and read ur posts, i relate so heavily to your personal intertwinement with the story + characters and i absolutely understand your perception of R&M cuz? i always saw it as an encapsulation of the cycles of abuse especially through generations within family? and when i try to explain that to other people like irl or w/e while watching it theyre like wat .. so i UNDERSTAND where ur coming from and i FEEL bad that u get embarrassed or w/e (altho i deal with those feelings too?) basically just trying to tell you you are HELLA seen and far far from alone

🥺🥺🥺 THANK YOUUUU i appreciate that..... mayhaps a certain type of childhood or family life primes a certain understanding of rnm and an investment others don't always have. it's a factor that plays heavily into connecting with this series for sure.. many of us (fans. or whatever) are like this, like it is that deep for us but even to those people, i can scarcely relate. because most of them have this umm desire to see the wrongs righted and to be comforted by the show and then the writers notice that and then i don't feel that rick's change of character is gradual enough and involves enough sacrifices and struggle and lol you get the idea!! i like tragedies, i prefer to be hurt by my shows, that's the type of comfort i need. i digress.. but the point is, often i feel like a minority in here, thanks for taking the time to tell me you relate and you understand <333

also hmm i feel like within the group of fans that are dedicated and care about the future of this show, very few are in it for. comedy. or cool sci-fi moments? or maybe more like, all of the dedicated fans are dedicated to the story and the characters and definitely not to the old structure of rnm that allowed it to be an endless fun machine. at some point you have to make the stuff that happens count and affect the characters so people have something to come back for, so the episodic format could not have been maintained, not with the sudden widespread interest in the show. the new direction, the sincerity and drama and addressing canon and letting the characters grow Are for us, those who ended up caring! but i'm still embarrassed about caring, in my worse moments, i can't help it :P the writers even went out of their way to make fun of us for our investment in s4 and 5 and since it's popular, i see many casual viewers around who simply don't care that much. and are just here for a laff. that's weird to me!

and, the new direction puts me in a weird position because i did love it for the dysfunction and the angst, that's an integral part that needs to be featured predominantly in my opinion to make the hopeful moments really hit (and it's prominent in my family too HYDHBY so that would just feel more realistic for me and satisfy Me personally)

maybe i'm just concerned with what upcoming seasons are gonna do because if we have a long way to go until the end, i would have preferred if they took more time with the overarching storylines of seasons 1 through, idk, 3..... and just generally approached the previous seasons with very slow character development in mind, but character development for sure. if they were more deliberate about it and didn't have an "oh shit we have expectations to live up to now and loyal fans to satisfy. but we don't wannaaaa.. don't tell us what to do :'(" crisis in the middle of it lmao. i don't have a fundamental problem with betterment arcs, i'm just not sure this will be done right in the particular instance of rick and morty

i'm also just pondering the different subsets of viewers now and how conflicted the show has seemed (in the past. i wouldn't apply this to s6) about what it wants to be... and thinking about all the ways my affection for rnm could be misunderstood 😔 the worst "fans" have been the loudest, they didn't exactly give us a good name lol, but this is personal for me so i can't just stay away or keep silent (duh!) so i oughta consider the public perception. and perceptions are super varied! it's another one of those shows that isn't a show, it's popular enough and inconsistent enough to be a phenomenon. so inevitably i will be embarrassed, it means so many different things to different people and i care. i care very much

#sorry i have a tendency to ramble <3 i'm riding the high of having a big interest again #ask #rnm

[straypupp]

It's okay to be afraid of love and care, especially if you've not been shown any good examples of such a thing or have been betrayed by the ones you've loved.

It is very scary to trust someone with your vulnerabilities and hope/rely that they will not betray said trust.

Don't give up that you deserve to be treated with love & care in the ways you wish, repressing your genuine desires will further harm the inner parts of you that are craving this kindness.

I hope that you're able to be brave and give yourself some of that tenderness you crave too, others were not able to care for you in the way that you needed.

People failing at being accountable/responsible is deeply upsetting, and I'm sorry for the pain you've endured.

Showing yourself little by little (doesn't have to be anything fancy or major) that you're worth the effort of kindness and proving to yourself that being mistreated wasn't your fault, + you do deserve love, I hope may change your mind over time.

But also it's okay if it hurts too much and you need lots of time (maybe even years or decades!) there's no rush and it's not mandatory to do even at all if you don't want to or can't.

It's okay to not be able to heal pain, there is no moral attachment to not being able to/not wanting to suffer.

You deserve rest and peacefulness.

I hope that you can do more nice things for yourself soon ♡

— 🦌

well damn, you made me cry.

i don't want to repress this need, it's so fundamental to who i am, i just feel myself hitting this point where i feel incredibly protective of that little spark, im not sure it can handle much more mistreatment and confusion. i want to keep it safe until there are soft, gentle hands in sight. for now those hands will have to be my own

i feel heartbroken but it's not about any one person it's just this deep ongoing emptiness and aloneness mixed w a sickening feeling of being misunderstood. feels like my hearts been torn out over and over and over and now there's barely any flesh keeping it in place, so i have to cradle it until it starts to take hold

im trying to love myself more, ive recently taken really big steps towards caring for my physical body and im really really proud of myself for doing so. yet still, at least right now, the thought of trust or fulfilling attraction sets off every single firealarm in my brain. i hope that changes too. thank you for your kind and thoughtful message, it's very comforting to read <3

#🦌 #◇

[lovemelikeastarfish]

I can’t think of one reason to go on living. There is no one in my life that actually cares about me or my feelings. I literally have no one left. Not one soul.

I have no job, I have no friends - I lost them all one by one until they have all gone. I am completely misunderstood by everyone I do know - my in-laws, my basically ‘estranged’ husband. They chose to make me stay home alone on Christmas while my unvaccinated nephew in-law was welcomed fully. No one tried to plead with him on my behalf. No one showed any disdain for the fact that he was ultimately isolating me from Christmas. Instead, they had a grand old time with him on Christmas Day while I sat home alone with nothing. No apology from anyone, no phone call of concern.

Apparently he is so disconnected from reality that he sent a gift home with my traitor husband and had the nerve to text me and ask me if I got it. I hadn’t gone near it. The only gift that would have been worth anything to me was to get vaccinated so that he would put me and his elderly grandparents is less jeopardy of getting sick. He was told that I wasn’t there because he wasn’t vaccinated. Did he think he could just act like he didn’t cause my continued isolation and drive a deeper wedge between my husband and I, as my husband chose to ignore my feelings and my convictions and leave me alone to go there Christmas Day.

His mother didn’t call me to apologize for the situation that she could have altered, or even to say Merry Christmas. This is after some other unfeeling things that she said to me the last time I’d seen her, all of which makes clear that she neither understands nor cares about my feelings and concerns. Prior to this we had been some kind friends. We are now not. Her husband has treated me with disdain almost the entire time I’ve known him. I suppose now they are in sync.

My husband comes home the next day as if nothing has happened. He doesn’t understand why I would be hurt and angry about him going and and in general treating him with the love and respect that I am not afforded. He hasn’t had my back in years upon years, so fuck him. He broke his vows long before I ever did. Everyone else gets the benefit of the doubt except me. As if there is something fundamentally unloveable about me. Even though I have always been generous and kind to these people. After I spent 25 years buying the nephews Birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, graduation gifts, confirmation gifts, the list goes on. But it’s obviously irrelevant.

My ‘estranged’ husband lost my respect long ago. He continues to treat me like a child, he continues to not communicate in any way, he continues to purposely not understand how I feel about the house we live in and refuses to even entertain the idea of finding a suitable home, even as this one sucks money from our savings and remains a cold, unappealing place. He continues to pour money into this house on landscaping and structures that tell me he will never consider leaving here for a more appropriate and appealing home. And that I have no possibility to live in a home that I actually love and feel comfortable with for the rest of my lifetime, which is certainly a component of my wanting my lifetime to end as soon as possible.

When I married him I thought I was so lucky to have someone who respected me so much and held me in such high esteem while loving me dearly. But that dynamic died so long ago I can’t even remember it. I walk on eggshells. Nothing that I say or want for us is right. I’m mentally unstable and none of my ideas or feelings are worth a moment’s thought. We don’t speak, we don’t spend any time in each other’s company, we don’t communicate with each other, outside of the times when I try to start a dialogue with a detailed letter of communication and how I feel, which each and every time is ignored.

So really, what is left for me? What happiness could I recognize in this environment. I’m too old and ill to start over completely alone, and do not have the money to do so. Nothing shows any opportunity to get better. And to live with this giant hole of nothingness and negativity that encompasses me, I’m better off simply dead.

I adore my little dog who has been my loyal and only best friend for years. I will remain alive until he is no longer able to stay alive, and once he’s gone I will truly have nothing left to live for. And that’s when I will take my own life. I know how I will take it, I already have a plan. Maybe the obnoxious, uncaring shrink I’ve been assigned to and who has played a large part in my life’s degradation will get his comeuppance. His dereliction of duty could not be more profound. His name is ———————, by the way, and he deserves to have his medical license taken away.

I’ve thought about just going out and doing something I enjoy, among crowds of people, and likely catching Covid and potentially dying that way. But I think that would be painful and miserable and messy. My plan is a much quicker and painless way to die.

And I don’t feel badly because there’s no one here in this life who will truly miss me, and I’ll probably be forgotten very quickly.

I just hope there is something on the other side that is better and happier than I’ve found here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish that John would have been the kind of doting husband that so many others I know have had. I wish he cared as deeply as I needed him to. I wish he understood what he has done to me. And because none of that has happened, I wish I would have made the choice long ago to be with someone who treated me so much better. Someone who was vigilantly protective over me. Someone who was so much more proficient in communication. But he went on to find a different soulmate and make a life that he loved. I should be happy for him. But all I can be is sad. For everything I never had.

I don’t care if my husband’s family thinks I am irrational or phobic. You would think that they’d endeavor to be understanding and compassionate. But I’ve learned that no one is able to bring themselves to feel compassion for me. There’s something blocking it and I don’t what that is in order to work on removing it. And no one will tell me, they’ll just whisper behind my back. So what’s the point of going on with life? There’s nothing here for me except misery. And there’s no way for me to get out. It’s the only natural solution.

[incessantwhine]

hurting deeply in a way that is inexplicable and unable to be articulated. cannot pinpoint any logical reason to be wounded but i feel as if im figuratively bleeding out internally. as in i cant identify anything in particular that is actually wrong but the sense that Something is Wrong is there. tentatively, it is pain, but it’s so vague and amorphous i cant be sure. along w/ the ? sensation of coming to terms with the fact that casually repressing my feelings in order to survive and function has created a seemingly insurmountable disconnect between Me and Myself, such a wide gap that i can’t identify what im feeling let alone display it let alone begin to translate to others. doomed to be fundamentally misunderstood entirely of my own design—i lack the ability to understand myself. acceptance that i will move through life with a lingering feeling of loneliness because of this (regardless of how close and fulfilling my relationships are). recognition that I am very insightful for acknowledging these things but ultimately the acknowledgement is futile when they are unchangeable things at my very core. feeling some sort of Great Divide between myself and others as a result. life goes on. i clock in, I smile at clients and their pets, i go home, i spend quality time with my love, i talk to people i like; the distance is there quietly in the background and unspoken; i repeat. externally and functionally, I am exactly like everyone else. empty shell behavior. but that isn’t the right descriptor, is it? there’s multitudes in the shell. they are simply incomprehensible even to the one living inside it. i still do not understand. i withdraw from the horror of it all and i do not give it a name.

[dreamteamspace]

“[... ]Those that treat me with injustice, [...] I will repay a thousand times (over)”

-Technoblade, as we were reminded by the new bangin’ sad-ist animatic

Can we just talk about this line? Because I really feel like it displays a key part of Technoblade’s character that gives him a lot of depth.

The line? Awesome. Cool. Badass. Makes you terrified, and in good right, because we all know Technoblade is really good at what he does. People who sympathize with c!Techno and watch his POV also get the satisfaction of seeing the pain that c!Techno endured as something he WILL pay back.

It makes him sound strong. Powerful.

And it’s an awesome line!

BUT.

If everyone acted like that? The world would go to hell.

Think about it. Person A treats person B injustly, for whatever reason. Maybe on purpose. Maybe on accident. Maybe they misunderstood something. Maybe they didn’t have all the facts, or were acting irrationally, or just coping really badly with their own emotions. Maybe there was a misunderstanding.

So Person B is hurt, and by this philosophy, goes on to pay it back, much greater than before. Person A, if following the same philosophy, pays it back AGAIN, without having understood that what they did was wrong and why, they just pay back.

Boom. We have a war, or at least an eternally spanning conflict in which each side is consistently trying to destroy the other with more and more cruel methods every time. Sounds like a lot of wars on a certain mncraft server, cough cough

What this also causes is that people tread around c!Technoblade like on eggshells, afraid of irking him on accident despite not intending to, causing them not to trust him, causing Technoblade to feel “betrayed” in one long, vicious cycle.

Who learns out of this? Absolutely nobody. The only thing that happens is c!Techno lives in isolation, everyone is terrified of him and there’s a chunk error in the middle of the server. Meanwhile, c!Techno seemingly does need/want connections to people, that are now difficult for him to get, especially since they’re all too afraid of accidentally making him feel wronged.

It also makes me think about how much of a parallel c!Tommy is in this sense, considering his entire thing is that he isn’t afraid to lose. He loses, over and over, and he’s ready and willing to lose.

There was another good post abt this somewhere, but the point is that he lost the discs, he lost his home, he lost allies. But he isn’t afraid to apologize, to push through his trauma and reflect on how he acted in the past.

He definitly still lashes out and acts badly from time to time, especially when his trauma comes to the surface and he gets defensive. And this happens not because he’s evil, or because he likes hurting people, but because he’s just... scared. Traumatized. Lashing out, when not meaning to.

He’s willing to apologize later, and is shown to be some of the very few people who apologize to anybody in the dsmp. So despite his many mistakes - and the enemies he’s made - c!Tommy still has more friends than he realizes, people that care for him and want to protect him. C!Quackity, c!Sam, c!Tubbo, c!Ranboo, etc.

This clashes directly with c!Techno and his philosophy, however. C!Techno does NOT forgive. He does not apologize, and he sees himself in the right, and he does not accept people lashing out for whatever reason. He does not want nor feel the need to understand why c!Tommy does what he does if it hurts him, because he’s focused on enforcing his own form of justice and paying him back with more pain than was caused to him.

(This, as we saw, resulted in a chunk error.)

So from a character perspective, c!Techno and c!Tommy fundamentally clash in their most base ideologies. So c!Techno is richer, and stronger, and more powerful, and c!Tommy has been exiled, and beat, and is constantly stolen from.

But where c!Techno is alone with allies that fear him,

c!Tommy is surrounded by friends, and he just has yet to see it.

#dream smp #dsmp #dream smp analysis #technoblade #tommyinnit #c!Tommy #dreamsmp #dreamteamspace speaks #c!Techno critical #just in case #cause some techno viewers can be uh. intense #disclaimer: i dont think c!Techno is a bad character i think hes interesting #i just dont think hes perfect. like no character is. and i personally dont agree w his philosophy

[lulu2992]

My thoughts on Far Cry: Rite of Passage #3

What is inaccurate in Joseph’s story, what is spot-on, and what Diego took away from his father’s lessons.

At the beginning of The Power of Faith, the crocodile Diego encountered at the end of The Power of Family is getting dangerously close. Thankfully, Antón finally decides to emerge from the shadows and to shoot it to save his son, who immediately reproaches him for risking his life and leaving him alone. Antón tells Diego that he needs to have faith in himself. He has one last story to tell his son about how powerful faith can be. It’s time to talk about Joseph Seed.

Joseph’s story starts in Rome, Georgia, when he was just a young boy… but it’s different from the story told in The Book of Joseph. His mother isn’t the “ghost” described in the Book and his family doesn’t seem to live in great poverty. It’s clear, however, that his father is abusive and beats him (and maybe his brothers, only mentioned here) often. The Voice has already talked to him several times when, in Far Cry 5, it was unclear if he had heard it before his wife’s death. Joseph tells his mother that everything is already written and that his father, as well as “all that hold hands with him”, will be judged soon. Since we’ve been told multiple times that the Seed brothers grew up in group homes, the judgment Joseph refers to is probably the upcoming arrival of the police and child protective services. Still, for anyone who has read The Book of Joseph, these first pages are a little confusing. Is the Book not relevant, or is the comic wrong?

Diego asks if the Voice was real, and Antón says that Joseph thought it was but that no one believed him. He explains that faith can make you lonely and that Joseph paid “a great price” for it. We find him years later, in Kansas City, Missouri (for some reason), waking up from a nightmare next to his pregnant wife. She suggests he should talk about his dream, because “they” said it would help. Joseph says he saw himself hurt his child, who was a boy, and his wife reassures him, tells him that she has faith that he isn’t like his father. This is a new episode in Joseph’s past and it suggests two things. First, it implies that he (and his wife) sought out professional help about the Voice he hears. Secondly, his nightmare was just a dream, not a premonition. He’s simply scared of becoming a father, of having a son, and that history will repeat itself. But his wife is pregnant with a daughter, so is this scene supposed to mean that there’s nothing supernatural about his visions, the Voice, and that he was delusional? Because if this is the case, the comic is very wrong.

The scene that follows is fundamental in Joseph’s backstory… but it’s also often misunderstood, and his motivations, severely misjudged. Thankfully, not here. At the hospital, after his wife crashed her car trying to avoid a doe and died, Joseph goes to the chapel to pray. He tells God that whatever He says, he “won’t run away” and is “listening to it all”. Back in his daughter’s room, he tells her with tears in his eyes, “My sweet angel. The Voice said you belong with the other angels. And if I believe, I will send you there. I just have to be strong”. In my opinion, even though Joseph never mentioned a chapel in the game, this scene is great. They understood that he truly loved his daughter, that her death saddened him, but that he genuinely believed he did the right thing. He felt lost and helpless so he prayed for guidance. He listened to God because he had absolute faith in Him and because (in this version of the story, at least) His Voice had always been with him, for him, even when no one else was. He didn’t do what he did because he wanted to, he did it because he believed that it was what God expected him to do. Joseph then exits the hospital and has a vision, an epiphany: something is coming and he needs to bring his family together so they can march to Eden’s Gate. Years later, he has become The Father, we see his siblings for the first and last time, all dead, and Hope County is in flames.

Diego asks if Joseph’s world burned because his faith failed him, and Antón says that it’s actually Joseph who failed his faith. To me, this sentence is confusing; it can either mean that Joseph didn’t believe enough or that he believed too much. If Anton means the former, he’s wrong. Joseph never stopped believing in the Voice, did everything It asked, and put his duties towards God before his own desires and well-being. His commitment was unwavering. So maybe “he failed his faith” means that Joseph thought the Voice was God’s when it actually wasn’t, obeyed Its every command, took everything he heard at face value, and lost everyone he loved because he misplaced his faith. This second hypothesis could explain why the comic shows him having a regular nightmare and mistaking it for a premonition. But in this case, not only is Antón wrong too because the game proved that Joseph wasn’t delusional, but it’s also not a good lesson to teach Diego because he wants him to have faith. He also doesn’t say that Joseph actually wanted the world to burn because he had been promised it would and tasked with leading his Family to the Garden after the Collapse. And, interestingly, he never mentions the Junior Deputy, the flame that ignited the world, the hand that killed the Heralds, and prefers to put all the blame on Joseph. But, as always, Antón needed a good lesson, not a true story. In the world of Far Cry 6, Joseph’s story is fictional anyway because the Collapse never happened.

At the end of the comic, Antón gives a gun to Diego and asks him to prove that he understood the three lessons by killing a sleeping baby jaguar. Diego refuses because he doesn’t think that destroying something is a proof of love and asks his father to have faith in him. Plus, it’s his birthday, he’s tired, and he would like to go home. Antón fondly concludes that his son’s soul is better than his and that, one day, he will “have to fight a war to keep it”. “One day”, says Diego. Today, he just wants a normal thirteenth birthday.

Once again, in The Power of Faith, even though Joseph’s characterization is excellent, the story told by Antón isn’t entirely accurate. The nature of the Voice is questioned and, in my opinion, this makes the lesson taught in this issue a bit unclear. But in the end, neither the stories nor the lessons really matter because Diego seems determined to choose his own path, one that doesn’t involve violence or destruction. Let’s hope he can walk it freely.

#joseph’s personality: 10/10 #joseph’s story: what/10 #far cry rite of passage #far cry 6 #antón castillo #anton castillo #diego castillo #far cry 5 #joseph seed #far cry rite of passage spoilers #far cry 5 spoilers #the book of joseph

[thepartyresponsible]

this soundtrack fill is for kittenlzlz, who i cannot tag because it’s all sabotage all the time over here. also, i'm sorry, i didn’t realize you’d changed your prompt until after i wrote this one, so this is for the first thing you sent in.

anyway, here’s some dystopian sci-fi angst for sam and bucky with a hopeful ending. the song for this one is “achilles come down” by gang of youth.

                                                         —

When he was young, Sam spent thirty-seven weeks in New Mexico, learning how to keep people alive until evac. That others may live was a motto they preferred to operationalize rather than idealize, and, without the EMT training, pararescue tended to turn into high-risk body retrieval. So he spent the better part of a year learning how to keep a body breathing, and he learned, also, how to recognize when any effort was likely to be wasted.

Which is how he knows that what he’s looking at isn’t fully human. Because a human would already be dead.

It’s the blood that tells him, more than anything else. The Chitauri bleed a thick, dark blue substance that goes black if their cybernetics are leaking. And there’s plenty of blue and black puddled on the asphalt, but that red is a hemoglobin gift, and that means it’s all human.

“Shit, man,” Sam says, crouching next to the only human at this massacre. “You could keep a blood bank in business all by yourself.”

The man lifts his head and blinks at him, slow and a little dazed. Not dazed enough, though. He can almost focus on Sam’s face. “Not anymore,” he says, after a beat.

More blood bubbles up at the corners of his mouth. Sam can see it between his teeth.

“Yeah,” Sam says. And he laughs, because he might as well. Because he came out here with a team of ten to clean out the aliens, and it looks like one guy did their work for them. “Guess not.”

He’s a pathetic sight, really. Ragged body armor, hair clumped together, skin sticky with blood and ichor. He’s belly down on the cracked parking lot, and there’s a smear of blood behind him, showing exactly how far he’s managed to drag himself.

Sam’s not excited about what he’s going to see, when he rolls this guy over on his back.

“You gonna fight me if I help you?” he asks.

Most of them, these Enhanced, the surviving Super Soldiers, they can’t help it. Sam’s had to put a few down himself, although not for a while now. It’s been almost a year since he had to kill anything with a human face.

The man sighs. He rests his forehead against the asphalt, closes his eyes. His fingers flex and then go still. “I don’t know,” he says.

That others may live, Sam thinks. But the problem has always been that lives are balanced on both sides of the scales, and, sometimes, saving one means sacrificing another.

This man killed fifteen Chitauri, and he did it alone. There are kids back at the base. Vulnerable people.

The safest choice would be to leave him here. Let him save himself, if he can. But Sam’s never really been the safe choice type.

“Okay,” he says, hands curling around his shoulders, carefully rolling the man over on his back, “let’s see the damage.”

It’s enough to kill a human. But that’s not really what he’s dealing with.

                                                           —    

The Super Soldiers were a desperation play. Sam was supposed to be one of them. The best of Earth’s fighters, dosed with serum, patched up with cybernetics based on Chitauri tech, sent out to face the enemies that had invaded the planet.

Sam’s still not sure exactly how it happened, what level of their defenses failed. He only knows failure by its consequences.

The neural implants were hacked. The soldiers turned against their people. Sam, who’d been four days out from his own procedure, was shifted to a team tasked with hunting them down and eliminating them.

These days, there aren’t many left. There’s not much of anyone left. The Chitauri fundamentally misunderstood their target. Sam could’ve warned them. The species of mutually assured destruction was never going to die quiet.

He thinks about that while the Soldier sleeps, chained to a bed in a locked basement in an abandoned building two miles from the base. Sam keeps watch. He has a radio in case anything goes wrong, but he doesn’t intend to use it for anything other than warning them what’s coming.

“I could’ve been you,” Sam tells him. And then, smiling at nothing, shaking his head, “Hell, you could’ve been me.”

He wonders where he’s from. He wonders what his name is.

He wonders, when he can’t help it, what he did. If he ever killed anyone Sam used to know.

                                                           —    

The Soldier sleeps for forty hours and then sits straight up in bed, rips the chains off his wrists like they’re pipe cleaners, and then turns to face Sam. “What the hell,” he says.

“Oh, well,” Sam says, too startled to be afraid. “Didn’t want anyone stealing you.”

The Soldiers makes a face at him, an incredulous sneer that twists up his mouth and pulls his dark eyebrows together, and he looks so human, so perfectly skeptical, that Sam starts laughing.

“Well,” he says, with a shrug, “you killed fifteen aliens with a tire iron. You’re a treasure.”

“And I want it back.” he says, immediately. “Where’s my tire iron?”

“Confiscated,” Sam says.

He glares, and Sam‘s probably meant to be intimidated, but he knows – they both know – that, if this guy wanted to scare Sam, he could just start breaking bones. Or walls. “I want it back when I leave.”

“Leave,” Sam repeats. He kicks back in his chair, balances on the back legs as he swings his feet up onto the Soldier’s bed. “Why’re you leaving?”

The Soldier stares at Sam’s booted feet near his knees. “Usually it’s the fact that I’m a timebomb that chases me off,” he says, “but it looks like your manners are the real horrorshow around here.”

Sam grins at him. He’s merciless about it, uses the most charming smile in his arsenal. He expects the guy to soften a bit, but he’s not expecting the doubletake he gets, the there-and-away bounce of his stare, like Sam’s suddenly something he wants to look at but doesn’t want to get caught looking at.

Huh, he thinks.

“When’s the last time you hurt someone?” Sam asks.

The Soldier’s face crumples up and then flattens out. “What is this? Some kinda trial? An interrogation?”

“If this were an interrogation, I wouldn’t’ve given you the soft pillows,” Sam tells him.

The Soldier doesn’t look like he buys it. But, after a moment, he tips his head to the side. “Probably wouldn’t want to get blood on these white sheets,” he acknowledges.

“Christ,” Sam says, because that more or less seems to be the only thing he could possibly say to something like that.

The Soldier shrugs. He brushes his hair away from his face, blinks, and gives Sam a skeptical sideways stare. “Did you wash my hair?”

“With a firehose,” Sam confirms. “Damn near shaved the whole thing off. You were a mess, man.”

He shrugs. “It’s messy work.”

And, sure, it is. Sam knows. His base is the first resettlement outpost in this region. They’ve been clearing Chitauri out of the area for months.

But he still takes a damn shower whenever possible.

“Who were you?” Sam asks. “Before the program?”

The Soldier looks away. Looks at nothing. After a long pause, he recites, careful and rote, “Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. 107th.”

“Okay,” Sam says. “James. When’s the last time you hurt a human being?”

He worries at his lower lip, teeth pressing into the skin. He’s quiet for a very long time. “Thirteen months, ten days,” he says, finally.

Sam considers the timeline. “You think it’s over?”

“I think the implant’s in my fucking brain,” he says. “It’ll be over at brain death.”

“It’s just a chip,” Sam says. “It’s not sentient. Someone’s gotta send the message, right?”

The Soldier’s jaw works. “Even if the aliens stay out, there’s gonna be plenty of people who want to use someone like me, as soon as they rebuild enough to manage.”

It’s a hell of thing, and it could’ve been Sam.

He nudges the Soldier’s knee with his boot, and the Soldier stares at the point of contact. He doesn’t look angry anymore. If Sam had to use a word to describe the expression on the Soldier’s face, he thinks he’d use something bittersweet and barbed, something like lonely or longing.

“Gonna be a long damn time before anyone’s rebuilt,” he says.

“Aliens could have reinforcements here at any time,” the Soldier says.

“Maybe,” Sam says, although he thinks they might’ve learned some kind of lesson. At the very least, they’ve probably learned that it’s just not worth the effort.

“Look,” Sam says. “I think you should come back to the base.”

“No,” he says. Immediate and definite, louder then he’s been so far.

Sam expected it. Maybe part of him hoped for it. “Okay,” he says. “Then we’ll stay here. And, when you’re better, I want you to take a radio. And I want you to check in with us. All right? Every day.”

The Soldier stares at him. “Why the hell would you want that?”

Sam smiles, studies the hollows of the Soldier’s face, the scars, the freckles he must’ve earned when he was young, used to play too long in the sun. He has, Sam thinks, beautiful eyes. “There’s not a lot of us left,” he says.

“‘Us,’” the Soldier repeats, scoffing audibly.

“Us,” Sam repeats. He nudges the Soldier’s knee again, and the Soldier cuts his eyes away, glares at the wall. But, a moment later, he shifts, leans his knee into Sam.

                                                         —      

His name is Bucky Barnes. He’s fussy as hell, stubborn beyond belief, helpful every chance he can get, and fond of cats and songbirds. He doesn’t cheat at cards, and he doesn’t accuse Sam of it either, even when Sam beats him damn near every hand.

He’s a good man. Even now.

“I’m gonna miss you,” Sam says. Because it’s been two weeks, and Bucky’s decided he’s well enough to go.

Bucky ducks his head. “Shut up,” he says.

Sam wonders if he was always this head shy about affection.

“C’mere,” he says. “I’ll give you a goodbye kiss.”

“Shut up,” Bucky says, practically scuttling away, head still ducked. When he raises it, he’s grinning one of his ghost grins, the ones that almost show who he used to be, like a faint echo of a louder, happier man.

“Okay,” Sam says. “But if I don’t get a goodbye kiss, I’m definitely not gonna talk dirty to you on that radio. You gotta put in the work, Bucky.”

“I hate you,” Bucky tells him, and his crush couldn’t be more obvious. Sam would be embarrassed for him, if he weren’t busy being charmed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sam says. “Check in every day, or I’m gonna track you down.”

“Hm,” Bucky says. He adjusts his pack on his shoulders. He’s got that tire iron, an alarming number of knives, and two guns. He’s setting off to kill more aliens. He’s going alone. “That supposed to be a threat?”

He was a Barnes in the Army and Sam was a Wilson in the Air Force, and so Bucky is a Super Soldier and Sam is not. It’s unpredictable, sometimes, the way mercy falls.

“Be careful out there,” Sam says, and he knocks his elbow against Bucky’s.

“Yeah,” Bucky says. He rolls his eyes and then catches Sam watching, and he blinks, falters. “Yeah,” he says, again. Softer, steadier. A promise, not a joke.

Sam considers him, lets the moment hang. Waits. Sometimes, all Bucky needs is the space and time to make up his own mind.

“I’m gonna miss you, too,” Bucky says.

“There it is,” Sam says, grinning, almost crowing in triumphant. “There--”

“Oh, Jesus,” Bucky says, rolling his eyes again, getting theatrical about it. “I already regret saying it.”

“Can’t take it back,” Sam taunts, grinning wide and smug.

“I’m going,” Bucky says, and he starts off, doesn’t look back.

“Hey, Buck,” Sam calls, when Bucky’s just about to break through the treeline, disappear into the woods. “I hate to see you go, but I love----”

“Fuck off, Sam!” Bucky says, but he’s laughing, and Sam can still hear it – surprised and happy, fully human – even after Bucky disappears.

#writing #soundtrack fills

[theredconversegirl]

I love your blog. I have three questions for you. What made you start to ship sasusaku? What do you like about both characters? What is your 5 favorite sasusaku scenes?

Hi nonny,

Thank you so much! 💕🤗

When I read your questions, memories of a 14-year-old-self-Flah came to the surface and that helped me answer your questions. 😁

So, let's go:

What made you start to ship sasusaku?

Ok, I stumbled upon Naruto (classic) a long time ago and the first time I saw Sakura and Sasuke interacting was in the Land of Waves arc.

Two scenes made me fall in love: Sasuke moving in front of Sakura to protect her and Sakura crying over him. I got some star-crossed lovers vibe right there. 😍

When she ran towards his supposed lifeless body, my heart clenched for her. 😭 I was just chanting in my mind "nononono this can't be true, they didn't even begin! It's not fair!" something along those lines.

By the end of that heart-wrenching scene, I just knew they were meant to be together. The misunderstood bad boy needed the soft-ball-of-sunshine good girl beside him. 🥺💕

After that arc, I started watching the anime from the beginning and I was already shipping them without even knowing what shipping was.

But if we are summing up, I would say: the subtle way Sasuke cares about Sakura, always protecting her, and how Sakura cares/worries for him, trying to provide him the warmth and support of a family, sealed the deal for me. 😄

What do you like about both characters?

🍅: Sasuke's loyalty to his family (he was misunderstood, misled and lied to, but all the time he wanted to honor his family). His bluntness (ok, it might hurt to hear the truth sometimes, but many times we need to and I don't know, I feel this doesn't happen as often these days). His way of caring for his precious people (Sasuke cares too much - and not too little how people think - and he doesn't need to parade his feelings to show that. No one needs spectators intruding in those moments. He shows his love through the little things and when/where is most important).

🌸: Sakura's determination! (check that post, it's amazing). Her character development or should I say it, her glow up! (also - confession time here, her pre-teen years were kind of relatable 😳). Her kindness (she's so good!) and intelligence: the scenes where she creates an antidote for Kankuro? 🤯 And she finding Kakashi below in the second bell's test? 🤯 And figuring out things during the fight with Sasori? 🤯 She's a real strategist! And last, but not the least, Sakura never giving up on Sasuke and wanting to save him from his darkness. 💕

What is your 5 favorite sasusaku scenes?

This was so hard 😭 why only five? Why did you do this to me?🤣 After some time, I settled for these 5 scenes:

1. Forest of Death: The moment they squeeze hands and Sakura helps him through the exorbitant pain. The whole sequence from when they are alone until Sakura takes him to somewhere safe pulls at my heartstrings.

2. Land of Waves - I talked about that scene on the top of the post, so yeah. The moment Sasuke realizes someone cares if he dies was significant to me.

3. Back to Forest of Death - Please... Stop...

I'll quote the Databook 1 for this scene, because it says everything:

「呪印の影響で暴走するサスケを身を挺して鎮めるサクラ。サクラのサスケを想う心が、邪な力を包み込む。」(translation by Nobusaki) (Databook 1 RAW can be found here)

"Sakura who [voluntarily (bravely)] calms the rampaging Sasuke under the influence of the cursed seal. Sakura’s heart that thinks of Sasuke devours the malevolent/wicked power."

4. The Bench scene - Because it's a pivoting moment and I'm a sucker for confession scenes. Guys, he could have ignored her and left like fifteen minutes ago, but he's hesitating! Also, his eyes are shadowed/hidden, he's not showing Sakura his feelings because he's resolute in leaving.

And here's when we get that fundamental quote from Databook 2:

「孤独だった自分の存在を愛情という想いで満たしてくれたのがサクラだった。だが、その想いに応えることはやはりできない。サスケは、ただ一言の感謝の言葉を、別れの言葉として告げることしかできなかったのだ。」 “The one who filled his lonely existence [for him] with the emotion called love was Sakura. But, as expected, Sasuke cannot respond to her feelings. Sasuke was only able to leave a single word of thanks as word of parting."

I was going to choose the war scene, featuring that chef's kiss catch and SasuSaku eyesmex for my top 5, but I couldn't because...

5. The Poke - nothing better than Sasuke canoninzing SasuSaku, huh?

Ahhh this might be my longest post ever (that is not a list)!!! I hope you enjoyed reading my answers. This took me longer than I expected to put together but I had a lot of fun re-analyzing all the 🍅🌸 moments and remembering when I saw them for the first time. 🥺❤

I hope you have a wonderful weekend! 😊

See you next time ;) 👉

xoxo

#theredconversegirl answers things #SasuSaku #ship questions #This was fun! #and nostalgic #😍😍🥰 #also nonny #you made the queen of indecision pick only 5 scenes #that was cruel! #lol 🤣

[spockandawe]

Ahhh, just accidentally slapped myself in the face with yi city feelings, as you do. Because Xiao Xingchen left Baoshan Sanren’s mountain with big dreams of everything he could accomplish out in the world, and that... didn’t happen. When A-Qing meets him, he’s alone, blind, wandering around and focusing on helping people, yes, but in a very subdued, low-profile way. His best friend’s clan is dead maybe-partially-plausibly because of him, his best friend lost his eyes maybe-partially-plausibly because of him, and then after he was done sacrificing his eyes to fix the only thing he had the power to fix, that best friend definitely shoved him away and told Xiao Xingchen to get out of his life.

It hurts me so very terribly, all on its own.

The melancholy of realizing the big dreams of your youth are just... never going to happen is a sad thing, but getting slapped down that hard makes it even worse. And by the time he gets to Yi City and settles into this broken-down corpse house with his weird new sketchy-ass family, I don’t think it takes long for him to start finding happiness in this smaller world, and these smaller ambitions (but seriously, one fake-blind con artist pickpocket street girl and one mysterious bloody man who definitely isn’t a serial killer is about as sketchy as it’s possible for a family can be)

But before he dies, the big reveals all either revolve around people lying to him, or him being wrong about things. Even when he wasn’t lied to outright, he was wrong that Song Lan hated him forever, and never wanted him to come back. Xue Yang’s... everything is cast in a new light (I will get back to that, don’t even worry). And even A-Qing’s admission that she isn’t blind, that’s good information to share in the moment, but it just piles on the poor man even further. For everyone important to him, he was fundamentally wrong about them and/or they were deliberately deceiving him, and he finds out about all of this, one thing after another.

And with Xue Yang, obviously, this hurts me for both of them. Because Xue Yang started out with lies and cruel tricks with the corpse powder, he had times where he chose to act in bad faith, which were not just for the sake of saving his own skin. But whenever he stopped doing that... the three of them had three years together, in that crappy house, not living with much money, but living happily. Whatever Xue Yang’s original intentions are, he was perfectly capable of leaving from the moment his injuries healed, and he chose to stay there, living in a run-down corpse house, joking around over whose turn it was to go by groceries. It’s not universal to all canons, but mister ‘I don’t fear death, I fear boredom’ sure spent a long time lingering in quiet domesticity with nothing more to recommend it than that new found family.

And when Xiao Xingchen kills himself, he thinks it was all a lie. He thinks Xue Yang never cared. Which, to be clear, is because Xue Yang deliberately made him think that. But not to rehash old meta, Xue Yang was dealing with his own issues over Xiao Xingchen’s inability to understand where he was coming from, and was very much lashing out with intent to hurt. But Xue Yang is also completely taken by surprise when Xiao Xingchen takes action and slits his own throat.

But... I’m not surprised. What kills me is that Xiao Xingchen learns that he was wrong about Song Lan’s feelings, and that he sacrificed that friendship for nothing. Xue Yang lied to him, about everything, and tricked him into atrocities, up to and including killing Song Lan himself. Even A-Qing lied to him, although I also don’t think he holds that against her. And right before he dies, Xue Yang makes a point of telling him that yeah, our entire life together didn’t mean anything, I just thought it was funny. It’s a pretty weak lie if you stop and think about it, but Xiao Xingchen’s entire world has just fallen apart, and he’s in no state to stop and think about it.

When he dies, he’s gone from descending from Baoshan Sanren’s mountain to try to save the common people, and deciding to found a cultivation sect based on ideals, not blood, to... wanting to have a tiny little found family and a home that keeps the weather off their heads, and taking care of any supernatural hazards in the area where they live. I firmly believe that he had a very rough time going from point A to point B, but he learned to be so content with his quieter, smaller ambitions. And then, what he had, which should have been so little to ask from the world, just a home and a few people to care for, it’s smashed out of his hands as well. 

When Xue Yang says ‘if you weren’t capable of understanding, you never should have left the mountain,’ I’m certain he’s referring largely to Xiao Xingchen’s inability to understand his own trauma, but also... I think it hurts Xiao Xingchen more deeply than he even realized. As far as Xiao Xingchen has is concerned, since he left the mountain, he’s either misunderstood or been lied to by every single important person in his life, and I’m honestly not surprised he chose to exit the situation in the way he did, and it absolutely breaks my heart.

#the untamed #xiao xingchen #xue yang #xuexiao #ish #mdzs #meta #suicide/ #suffering over yi city all day every day

[oureuphoria]

Liars, Humans and Werewolves, Oh My.

Synopsis: Your father (a werewolf) and your mother (a werewolf) were concerned about your friend-making skills so they made deal with Jungkook to befriend you (a human). He knew he shouldn’t have agreed, he knew from the moment he spoke with you that it would blow up in his face but he genuinely believed what you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you. It was a friendship founded on lies but to Jungkook it was the realest thing he knew.  or “I don’t study fictional characters for fake friends, Y/N.”

Genre: fluff, angst, crack

Pairing: werewolf!jungkook X  human!reader

Word count: 7.9K

Warnings: I don’t think there is any but lemme know if I’m wrong.

Note: Hiiiii!! Okay, so this oneshot was long overdue I am so sorry but I hope you enjoy. I’m not American and I’m not a werewolf so if any information is inaccurate I sincerely apologise. I proofread but there's a chance there might be some mistakes because I am a fool. 

 You approached your father as he was loading the car. “Why do we have to go?” You whined while also sluggishly lugging extremely large bags into the car to help him. “It’s a learning experience Y/N. Stop whining.” Your face fell at your his stern exclamation but the second he turned around you stuck your tongue out at him. “I just don’t understand the fundamentals of going to New York for 2-weeks just for a stupid party where you, mom and Miri have loads of fun while Henry and I suffer.” He ignored you as he closed the trunk and told you to get in. You were not making the car ride easy and your dad had to threaten to leave you on the side of the road to get you to stop complaining.  

You were fully aware that werewolves were often stigmatised and misunderstood but you couldn’t help but panic a little when you were stuck in a room full of them. Sure, your fear was foolish since both humans and werewolves had been at peace for centuries but for some unrecognisable reason, all knowledge of the peaceful history left your mind the moment you entered the huge hall. Your dad was a human but turned before your mom gave birth to your eldest sister, Miri. She came out a werewolf, you and your younger brother Henry, however, didn’t. Although your sister was considered a full-blooded werewolf (and thanks to your mother an extremely prestigious werewolf at that), you and Henry were outcasts. It was uncommon for human-turned-werewolves to reproduce humans ‘lacking the wolf gene’ and being dragged to this party with your family just reminded you of the fact that you were in retrospect, a failure. At least you had your 14-year-old failure of a brother by your side. 

While everyone coexisted in tranquillity, it was unorthodox for a human to know about werewolves unless they were a werewolf’s mate or in your rare case, a failed human child of two werewolves. You were sure you could never be any werewolf’s soulmate or anyone's soulmate for that matter, your heart was sworn to Netflix and 50 cats. The unorthodoxy of your situation meant that there was always an impenetrable tension between you and werewolves, one that made you extremely uncomfortable. 

Despite all the weird stares and snarls that were hurled your way, your dad was optimistic. He always thought that being a human was great and that these parties were just simply learning curves that you needed to get past. “Henry, if you eat one more cupcake you’ll turn into one. Slow down!” He mocked you before shoving the other half of the cupcake in his mouth. You rolled your eyes and walked away to find him a napkin before you were kidnapped by your father. “Dad, what-“ “Y/N, say hi to the Jeons.” You didn’t really remember the Jeon family that much. All you knew was that your father and Jeon Songwook used to be super close. You also knew that when Songwook later married his beautiful wife, he had 2 children. Junghyun and Jungkook. Junghyun was the eldest and graduated with your sister, he was standing there clad in an expensive suit next to his girlfriend who’d you’d met at the last extravagant party. Jungkook was standing there also clad in an expensive suit with his eyes trained on your sister. You mustered the best smile you could though you were sick and tired of being the family’s pity show and tell story. 

“Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you, you’re the same age as Jungkook right?” You nodded subtly, unsure where this conversation was going. “I heard you got a perfect score on your SAT.” You saw Jungkook’s face morph into one of anger in the corner of your eye. “Dad-“ Before Jungkook could finish his father put his hand on your shoulder. “Walk with me, Y/N?” You looked at your father for help but he just shrugged. Your mother mouthing ‘don’t fuck this up’ at you as you walked past her. “Jungkook, he’s very athletically talented but he’s not the most academically inclined. He got into Princeton but purely on sports and I’m concerned that if he doesn’t get his grades up, he won’t have a back-up plan.” You nodded understandingly, he seemed like a genuinely nice man from what you could tell so you listened to him. 

“What are you asking me to do, sir?” He chuckled at your worried eyes. “Just call me, Songwook, Songy if you want, that’s what your dad calls me.” You let out a small laugh, fighting back the urge to yawn. “I know that you’re going to Princeton too and I also know you’re taking a class in photography. Your dad showed me a couple of your photos, they really are beautiful.” Before you could even begin to thank him he continued. “My son is majoring in corporate law, like you, and I just thought it might be easier for him to start off if he had the support of someone as intelligent as you.” “Sir, I’m really not that smart-” He cut you off with a wave of his hand. “Nonsense, every parent in this room wishes they had a child as smart as you.” You laughed a little harder than last time. You wished that was true but you knew it was quite the opposite. Everyone here was just glad they weren’t raising two humans. 

“So, do you want me to tutor him?” He nodded with a smile and you smiled back half-heartedly. You were already on bad terms with the werewolf society and now you were about to get on the bad side of the human one. Jungkook went to your high school but it was big and you never really talked to him. He was popular, naturally, and the attention that he generated was mostly from girls, also naturally. He was seen as untouchable though, he was nice, polite and a true charmer but he never stayed with a girl long enough to call her his. It felt weird to call him a fuck boy because he didn’t fit the image. He wasn’t reckless or cruel and he wasn’t a complete boneheaded idiot with a lack of morals. He was admirable, truly and from what you had known there was not a single person who hated him. You had a theory that he was emotionally unavailable because he was waiting for his mate but you never spent too long on it, you never really cared enough to.

Songwook walked you back to the cluster that was your merged families and once your family was alone you were bombarded with questions from your parents. “What did he say to you?” You gave them a pointed look to which they gave you a playful slap on the arm. “Hurry!” You took a deep breath creating suspense before ruining all their hopes in one sentence. “He just wanted me to tutor his son.” Your dad elbowed you slightly before letting out a long sigh. “We were worried he was going to ask you to marry Jungkook or something.” You started laughing uncontrollably before stopping abruptly. “What’s Miri doing with him, she knows he’s just into one night stands.” Your father shrugged before your mother interfered. “We warned her but your sister is old enough to make her own decisions.” You scoffed before turning to face them with crossed arms. “So, she can have sex with a guy that you know is going to leave after but I can’t buy a Nintendo Switch? She’s only 2 years and 7 months older than me!” Your parents just blinked at your outburst before they floated away to go impress another family.  

You went to find Henry but he was nowhere to be seen and you literally searched everywhere. He was probably hiding in the men’s room on his phone watching Netflix but you couldn’t just go in there. You saw Jungkook leaning against a wall on his phone so you approached him without really thinking about what you were going to say. “Jungkook!” He looked up from his phone and gave you a tired smile. “This might be a little weird but do you think you can go into the men’s bathroom to see if my brother is in there?” He looked at you with widened eyes, he nodded slowly before making his way to the bathroom, you trailing behind him, he turned around and scratched his neck sheepishly. “Uh…what’s his name again? Sorry, I forgot.” You let out a laugh that you were trying to suppress before letting him know that his name was Henry. 

Once Jungkook made it out, your brother next to him, you gave him a huge beaming smile. “Thank you!” He just nodded in return before making his way off to the bar. “Oh shit, you have a crush on Jungkook!” You turned around to look at your brother with a face of confusion. “What?” You gave him a good slap on the back of the head but he was undeterred. “You totally find him cute.” You rolled your eyes before putting your arm around his shoulder. “Everyone finds him cute. Now, I think I found a way to convince mom and dad to let us buy a Nintendo Switch.” 

You had spent hours with Henry, even though he was 14, you were closer to him then you’d ever be to Miri. That wasn’t her fault though, it just turned out that way. “So, are you going to buy the new Resident Evil game?” You already knew where this was going. “Yeah, so that you can play the entire game before me.” He groaned at your stubbornness, refusing to let that one incident go. “How many times must I say I am sorry?” He was swinging your arm back and forth while exclaiming dramatically. Eventually, though, your parents came back and let you know it was time to go back to the hotel. 

You were moving to New Jersey in 3 days and Henry did not like that. “Take me with you, I can fit inside your luggage if you make a little room.” Henry had been attached to your hip ever since this week had started. “I told you, I’ll kidnap you after I leave so it doesn’t seem suspicious.” He laughed, flopping down on the couch next to you. “I’m going to miss you. I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive as the only person of culture in this household” You furrowed your eyebrows at him. “Dad’s okay sometimes.” He gave you an all-knowing look and you sighed. “Okay so you’ll have to be the only person of culture for a bit but I’ll be back before you know it.”  

Jungkook had avoided you the first week there. Whenever you tried to approach him he’d pretend he was busy or blatantly ignore you. You called your dad for help and he just said he’d talk to Songwook about it but it had been 2 days and he still made you feel like a plague-infested rat. You were in the library, reading over your schedule and trying to make sense of it. You were horribly bored but there was nothing better to do so you sat there and played games on your phone.

“You’re a snitch.” The voice scared you so much you threw your phone and lost at the game. “And you made me lose a chance at beating my high score!” You picked up your phone and looked up to be met with an angry Jungkook. “Yikes, who hurt you?” You went back to your phone but he snatched it out of your hand. “I don’t need your help.” You put your arms up to ‘surrender’ though you had no idea why he was so angry. “I didn’t know, your dad-” “My dad doesn’t care about my grades, just my reputation. You’d know all about damaging your parent's reputation though so no wonder he asked you.” You gulped, that was unexpected. “Gee, thanks.” You packed up whatever you had out on the table as quickly as you could and left. “Fuck…Y/N wait I didn’t mean that!” You heard him yell after you but you didn’t care, this was the one place where you thought you could escape it but your image followed you everywhere as long as a werewolf was there. 

You rented an apartment alone, not wanting to deal with the havoc of dormitories or live with your sister and her chaos. You had saved up enough to maintain yourself for a while, doing small jobs at your dad's law firm sure helped but now you needed a real job. You weren’t too stressed about finding a job yet because you had some time and you were a master procrastinator. What really stressed you out was college. If anyone found out about your ‘background’ everyone would think that you bought your way in and that was the last thing you needed, all you had to do was avoid anyone you knew and remain unnoticed. Which would be hard considering your sister and Jungkook were around.

Thinking about Jungkook was starting to make you mad again so you got up and stretched, ready to unpack the few boxes that now contained your entire life. The apartment came furnished and you had already been up there to get the bulkier stuff settled with your family’s help so now you just had to sort through smaller things which you did with a frown. Once you were done, you expected to feel a sense of completion, excitement even, but you felt nothing. If anything you felt scared. 

It was a Wednesday in your second week of college. You desperately hoped it would go better than your first week though you can’t think of a way for it to go any worse. But of course, the world is full of surprises. “Y/N!” You turned the other way when you saw Jungkook jogging towards you. You tried to walk with as much speed as you could muster but he was an athlete, you should’ve known better. “Y/N, I’m sorry, what I said was horrible.” He stopped in front of you while you looked at your feet. “It’s okay, I won’t snitch. I already forgot about it.” You tried to reason but he clearly didn’t believe you. “Why’d you turn around the other way then?” You stayed silent because you had no good excuse. “Let’s meet for lunch, my treat, I owe you.” You shook your head quickly. “I already ate lunch.” He looked at you weirdly before laughing. “Y/N it’s 8:30, I believe we call that breakfast.” Your face morphed into an embarrassed smile as you wished desperately for the ground to swallow you whole.

“So, you’re an alpha?!” Jungkook gestured for you to quieten down as while he looked around cautiously to see if anyone overheard. “No way, you totally don’t seem like an alpha.” He looked at you with an offended face which you just shook off. “Come on, alphas don’t run after people just to apologise, Jungkook.” 

 “Well, they can.” He retorted with just as much spite as you. “Evidently.” You looked him up and down while you said it and he flicked your forehead in response. You tried to take a bite of your burger but parts of it started slipping out. “I don’t know why they say Miri is the better sister, you clearly have so much class.” He said this while you were trying to eat your now deformed burger but you were not enjoying the scrutiny. “You’re so funny.” You replied mockingly which just made him laugh in return. “So, why the sudden change of heart? You used to look at me like I ran over your dog.” He winced at the memory before putting his fork down. “It was embarrassing, I never asked for help before and it was weird for me. Besides, I didn’t actually need help my dad was just paranoid.” You nodded understandingly because you sure did understand, you hated asking for help just as much as the next guy but you weren’t as well-rounded as Jungkook was, you definitely needed help in some areas. 

“If I was a werewolf, I’d be an alpha, right?” Jungkook gave you one look before laughing obnoxiously, you put a hand on your heard feigning offence. “You’d be a beta.” You were now genuinely offended but pushed that back for the moment to provide room for your curiosity. “Why?” When he looked at you with a playful gaze you were prepared for a snarky comment. “Because people who want to be alphas are automatically betas. You don’t choose your role, your role chooses you.” You gave him a playful nudge into the wall as he was walking you home. “Okay Gandalf, when did you get so wise?” He laughed harder than he should’ve and you gave him a questioning look. “Who even is that?” Your eyes widened in shock. “Gandalf, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit?” When he still looked at you with the same blank stare you shook your head disappointingly. “Only a nerd like you would reference something from Lord of the Rings.” You nudged him a little harder this time but he was more prepared. “Y/N, I really am sorry about what I said.” You waved him off.  “Admit I’d make the best alpha and I’ll forgive you.” His eyes met yours in an annoyed glare but they still seemed so beautiful to you. You had to tell yourself to stop staring before it got awkward. Maybe Henry was right, maybe you did have a tiny crush on Jungkook, but in reality, who didn’t?

“You’re late.” You quickly sat down in front of him, 15 minutes after you’re appointed time. “I know, I’m sorry. The lecture ran over schedule.” He shook his head in fake disappointment and you sighed before playing along. “A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.” Jungkook looked at you blankly, blinking far too much in an attempt to make you realise how random your references were. “Gandalf, again.” He muttered ‘nerd’ under his breath and went back to his papers. You hit him with your pen. Despite his father’s word, Jungkook was doing well but you had to admit that he was trying a lot harder than he did in high school.

“Thanks for joining me, I didn’t want to study alone.” You peered over your shoulder to look at the group of girls that were staring at him and giggling. “Could’ve asked someone from your fan club.” When he looked up at you in confusion, you cocked your head to the side that they were on and he sighed heavily. “They do that to every guy, trust me.” You nodded your head with a teasing look which he didn’t find amusing but he didn’t say anything after and you grew worried. “Hey, do you mind covering for me for tomorrow’s 2pm class? I have a wolf thing I have to deal with, just tell the professor that I had a meeting with my coach.” You nodded hesitantly, concerned about what had been stressing him out so much but you didn’t press. It had been 2 weeks since your lunch with him and since then you’d found out a handful of things about Jungkook. He was a competitive swimmer, he had a fear of microwaves, he did not hook-up with your sister and he didn’t like sharing information about himself. 

When Jungkook showed up the day after the 2pm class he had to miss, he looked horrible. He had a cut on his lip that was healing and scattered bruises on his face. With how fast werewolves healed, you assumed this was far better than what it had been last night. “You look like roadkill.” You wanted to ask what had happened and if he was okay, but you knew where that would have gone so you skipped the small talk. “Shit, really?” He seemed panicked about what you said which made you even more concerned, it was obvious you were kidding. “No, you look fine just a little beaten. Are you okay?” He didn’t face you so you grabbed his shoulder to make him though when you did you felt a bandage through his shirt. He winced at the contact and you pulled your hand off like it was a hot stove. “Sorry. Jungkook, what happened?” He turned to you and smiled, pulling you by the forearm to your morning class. “There was already a pack here and you can’t have two alphas so I had to fight him. But I won and I’m fine. Trust me, he looks even worse.” You laughed but it seemed half-hearted, you were glad he shared this much though, it was more than you hoped for. 

“So, recap on the class. Professor lost his shit at Daniel because he kept swinging on the chair and fell. We discussed conflict of interest in workplaces so shit got gory and someone walked in drunk. Welcome to Ivy League, huh?” He chuckled but it seemed fake and you wondered if he was even listening. You didn’t press further, you thought he had done enough sharing for that day. “Anyways, I have my photography class now so I’m going to go.” He nodded absentmindedly and you walked away with a clouded mind and a heavy heart. You worry made you realise that you definitely liked Jungkook in a completely non-platonic way. You were royally screwed. 

You had made a friend in your photography class, his name was Berlin and he approached you for help at first which you didn’t really mind, you needed friends anyway. He asked if you wanted to join him after class to take some pictures around the college to help him with his new DSLR. You agreed with a little hesitation, unsure of how he got into the class with that little knowledge about cameras but you didn’t think much of it, his parents were probably rich. He had a black eye too but he told you it was from his martial arts classes and you believed him because it seemed like a genuine excuse. You had explored almost every surface of the giant campus and surprisingly had a lot of fun, it was refreshing to find someone with the same hobby as you. You called it a day at around 6pm, your class having finished at 4pm. You said goodbye and went home, determined to eat the cereal you had been craving. After saying goodbye, you went home to your eerily quiet apartment, you missed Henry. 

“So, how’s college going?” You were eating with your sister who had finally found time for you in her extremely busy schedule. “It’s fine, I hate Professor Golden though.” She laughed, almost choking on her food so you passed her the cup of water. “Thanks. I totally remember hating Professor Golden too, we all made jokes about his last name.” You laughed a little before returning to your food. A thick tension grew in the air, your talks with her were always silent and awkward. You had very little in common. 

“I can’t believe my baby sister is already a college freshman.” She cooed at you and you couldn’t help but laugh. She was almost 3 years older but sometimes she made it feel like 13. “Any college guys you find cute?” Your brain stopped working for a moment and you were unsure if you should tell her. “Come on, you can tell me.” She tried to pry it out of you while you just nervously smiled, trying to avoid her questions. Eventually, you gave up because it wasn’t like her to give up on gossip. “I think I like Jungkook.” Her face dropped dramatically and it made you panic a little. “Miri, what’s wrong?” She held your hand and looked at you sympathetically. “Y/N, he’s a werewolf.” She said something that wasn’t new to you. You’d repeated this to yourself far too many times to count. “I know. I’m not expecting anything to happen, I didn’t even expect this to happen it just did. Besides, I’m not in love with him, I’ll get over it.” You felt judged under her stare but you knew she meant well, no matter how harshly she came off sometimes. “Well, he rejected my advances so I really don’t think he’d be interested in you. I’m sorry, Y/N.” 

Miri said stupid things often. She lacked the emotional filter behind her words and offended people a lot. You grew thick skin thanks to her but this was where you drew the line. Your entire life you felt lesser than her and she promised you that she’d never do anything to make you feel that way and yet here she was, making you feel like you’ll never amount to her prestige. “Sorry, I need to get back I forgot I had a paper due by 5.” You left a $50 bill on the table and left before she could say anything else to potentially worsen the low blow she just gave you. You felt bad for walking away so abruptly, but you were not in the mood to argue with her, not again.

Unfortunately, your plans of moping on the couch all day were ruined when Jungkook had come over after hearing about the failure of a lunch with your sister, however, you spared him the details. “I bought a bag of junk food, McDonald’s and a whole pack of banana milk.” You smiled at him thankfully from your sad position on the couch which you were sure you were chemically bonded with now. “Did you get popcorn?” He was sorting through the bags before turning to you. “And risk dying via microwave? No thanks.” You laughed before getting up to join him. “Wait till I tell your pack that their alpha is scared of microwaves.” He gasped before clasping his heart dramatically. “You wouldn’t dare.” He started chuckling straight after, an adorable smile on his face.

You watched like 3 movies already and Jungkook was yet to feel sleepy, you, however, were seconds away from passing out. You were both on the couch, legs intermingled under the blanket, your head on his shoulder. It was your first time being this intimate with him and you hated how good it felt. “Jungkook, I’m sleepy.” You looked up at him and he smiled sweetly, forcing you to immediately look away. So, much for ‘getting over it’. “I’ll get going then.” He stood up to stretch, you following him. He grabbed his things off of your coffee table and walked to the door. 

“Jungkook, wait!” He turned around as he watched you come towards the door with the pack of banana milk. He fought back a smile as you dropped it into his arms. “Take it, you like them more than I do now.” He chuckled as he watched your eyes intently. “Thank you.” You smiled back at him before realising he was staring at you. Your smile fell as you stared back. “What? Is there something on my face?” You moved your hand to go over your face and he shook his head through hushed laughter. “Goodnight, Y/N.” He had just opened the door when you called out his name and once he turned, you kissed him. He didn’t pull away, just stood there in shock, you first to pull away actually and a flood of regret came crashing into your head immediately after. “Jungkook, I’m so sorry-” Before you could finish he was out the door and you cursed yourself for your spontaneous impulses. 

Jungkook had ignored what had happened miraculously, even during your apology he seemed unbothered. He probably felt bad for you but you were just glad he wasn’t mad or upset, besides, now you could truly focus on trying to get over him. You spent most of the day working on your study notes, trying to memorise stuff as best you could. By the time you stopped, it was already 8pm and you had skipped both lunch and dinner. You scavenged your fridge to look for something edible and settled on a pudding cup. College Y/N was doing great.

At around 9, you got a knock on your door which you cautiously went to answer, after seeing that it was Jungkook through the eyehole you opened the door to let him in, strangely, he was really angry. “What the fuck is this, Y/N?” He held out his phone of you to show a picture of you smiling, the sender being Berlin. “It’s a picture of me, how do you know Berlin? Are you friends?” Your lighthearted tone made Jungkook realise it wasn’t your fault that Berlin decided to get to you and that there was no way you could have known. “Y/N, Berlin is the alpha of the pack I took over, he’s messing with you to get to me.” You were mostly shocked but you also felt a little upset. You genuinely thought he was your friend. “I don’t want you anywhere near him, he’s dangerous.” You shook your head a little. “Sure he may be a little mad at you but we’re friends, I-” “I mean it, nowhere near him.” You held your hand out for him to pass his phone over so you could double-check that it was Berlin. You compared the number to the one on your phone to realise that it was indeed him. “You have his number already, fuck Y/N.” Your face hardened before you turned to him. “Sorry, I don’t have a ‘wolf’s intuition.’” You added air quotes for effect which he didn’t quite appreciate. 

You noticed his wet hair and his gym bag. “Did you just finish training? Jungkook it’s nearly 10pm.” He shrugged, grabbing his phone back from you and crash landing onto your couch. You couldn’t help but wonder how he could look so beautiful all the time. Sure, you always knew that he was good-looking but it felt like you were looking at a completely different man than high-school-Jungkook. He had endearing eyes, they could look so wide at moments and so closeted in others. His lips were soft, perfectly contrasting his sharp jaw, complementing each other beautifully. He was incredibly alluring in so many ways and it was impossible to escape it, no matter how hard you tried.

Jungkook held onto his shoulder, seeming like he was trying to soothe it from pain. You got up from your seat across from him and moved to stand behind him, taking over his hands and rubbing his shoulder for him. “Fuck, you’re good at this.” You hummed in agreement before laughing jokingly. “I am, right? They should call me Dr Bones.” He leaned his head forward to give you more access, ignoring your joke. You could physically feel how tense his muscles were and it made you worry a lot. Jungkook was the type who could work himself to death, stare at his dead body and still claim that he didn’t work hard enough. “Stop, or I’ll fall asleep. Thank you though.” He got up and grabbed his bag from the floor and made his way to the door. He turned around right before he left. “Y/N. I mean it, stay away from Berlin.” You nodded but you weren’t sure how you were supposed to just start avoiding him without seeming suspicious, besides, he was your only photography friend. 

“Hey, Y/N!” Berlin took the seat next to yours like he had been this past week, you didn’t say anything about it because you thought it would be fine but you did begin to regret it when he started whispering to you. “Why so quiet?” You gulped while playing with your camera bag. “I just didn’t get much sleep.” He nodded though you were sure he didn’t believe you. “Meet me behind this building after class. It’s important.” You probably shouldn’t have agreed and you probably shouldn’t have followed through with it but you did because you were an idiot. “You’ve been quiet. Jungkook told you, didn’t he?” You were playing with the sleeves of your jumper when you nodded, he sighed in return. “He took away my pack, my position, it seemed only right that I take something of his.” You gave him a pointed glare, staring at him without a wave of newfound anger. 

“I’m a person if you haven’t realised. Not a pawn in your stupid scheme for vengeance. Whatever you have with Jungkook is between you and him, don’t drag me into this.” You were about to walk back but he stopped you, blocking your way with his arm. “Y/N, don’t make me hurt you. All I want is for you to tell Jungkook to back down from my pack.” You smiled with feigned innocence. “Why don’t you tell him? I thought alphas were supposed to be brave…or did Jungkook take your balls too?” Berlin pinned you against the wall, his hands around the collar of your jumper. “You don’t wanna fight me, Y/N.” You pushed his arms off of you, straightening out your clothes. “You’re right, I don’t but since you so gracefully shared with me your perspective, I feel like I have to.” He laughed mockingly before leaning down to stare directly at your face. “And how do you plan on beating a werewolf?” You smiled again, so sweetly it made Berlin sick. In all honesty, you were terrified. If he called on your bluff this would turn into a complete shit-show, you had no fighting experience, you were all bark and absolutely no bite. 

“I’m going to fucking kill you.” Before you could decipher where the voice came from Berlin was leaning against the wall against you in pain after the fresh punch to his face from Jungkook. When Jungkook’s eyes locked with yours, he cocked his head to the side. “Go.” You would have protested but his face kind of scared you. You walked away, looking over your shoulder every few steps to make sure no one was dead. 

“What the fuck were you thinking? Y/N has nothing to do with this.”  “But she does, doesn’t she…?” Berlin started and Jungkook eyes narrowed. “She’s going to find out eventually and then she’ll hate you for not telling her.” Jungkook grabbed him by the collar while he was still against the wall. “If she finds out, it won’t be from you.” He let Berlin go roughly and glared at him before walking away. “She’s going to hate you, you know!” Berlin screamed but Jungkook continued walking away, unsure of how Berlin even found out about Jungkook’s secret.

“Stripes or no stripes?” Jungkook was making you choose between his endless collection of ties and you were so bored you started counting the dots on a polka-dotted one. “Y/N!” You snapped back into reality and faced him with a sheepish smile. “Sorry…no stripes, makes you look more mysterious.” He nodded before putting his stripped ties to the side. “Why are you so stressed about this dinner, anyway? It’s just my family and your family in some fancy restaurant talking about the same boring things over and over.” Jungkook desperately wanted to tell you what had changed but he couldn’t, not yet. “No reason, I just want to impress your parents.” You gave him a scrutinising look and he just avoided it. “Since when do you care about impressing anyone?” He sighed before snatching his polka-dot tie out of your hands. “Go get ready, we’re going to be late.” 

“Take the next left…and the destination should be on your right.” You spoke while mocking the navigator which just made Jungkook stare at you weirdly. “I’m bad with directions, I live off of this thing.” You held up your phone to gesture to the navigation app before getting out of his car. “Do I look okay?” He asked nervously and you looked at him, he looked much better than okay. He was clad in slacks and a dress shirt, no tie to your distaste. You remembered arguing with him after he had chosen to not wear a tie after all your efforts. His hair was getting longer but you loved it, especially the way he had styled it that night, not to mention the fact that he had his sleeves rolled up and his top few buttons open. You stopped yourself from staring too long by nodding. “Do I look okay?” Your eyes morphed into offended ones when he winced. You scoffed out loud but he just laughed at your reaction. “I’m kidding, you look great nerd, now move it, we’re already 15 minutes late.” You rolled your eyes, mumbling as you walked in. “Maybe if you didn’t make me spend 40 minutes helping you choose a tie…” He elbowed you slightly, reaching the reception desk and asking about your reservation, once you had taken a seat everyone, including Henry, had their eyes on the two of you. 

“Sorry, we’re late,” Jungkook commented, shaking your parent's hands as he sat down. “Wardrobe malfunction.” You joked as you secretly pointed at him. Everyone laughed a little and you were glad you had relieved some of the tension. You saw your brother the day before and boy did he have a lot to tell you, he seemed so excited about this dinner and you were still yet to know why. Now that you were here it seemed like everyone knew something you didn’t. 

“How’s college going, made any friends?” Jungkook’s mother asked, directing it at you. You choked because of the sudden question and scoffed down half the glass of water. “College is fine, I haven’t really been focused on making friends.” She nodded, Songwook laughing before joining in. “I wish Jungkook was the same. He befriended half the entire campus on the first day!” Everyone laughed while Jungkook shook his head jokingly, your mom suddenly called your name. “Y/N, could you grab me another napkin dear, I already spilled wine on mine. Clumsy me!” She giggled but it seemed fake, you wondered why she didn’t just ask a waiter to do it. You stood up to grab one from the desk nonetheless. 

The moment you left your mother leaned in. “Tell us, Jungkook, does she know?” He shook his head, his father joining in. “I’m glad you suggested we make Jungkook befriend her, otherwise we would have never found out.” “Found out what?” Your mom gasped when you were behind her, napkin in hand. The entire table was silent. “Wait...you forced Jungkook to befriend me? Do you think I’m that intolerable?” Jungkook rubbed his palms over his face, the inevitable was coming. “Y/N, we just know how you struggle with making friends and we thought it would be better to start you off with one,” Miri spoke this time with a tantalising tone. 

“So the whole tutor thing, that was a part of this as well? That’s why you were so mad at me about telling my dad that you were ignoring me? Because you didn’t want to fake being my friend?” You directed the question at Jungkook that time and he tried to apologise but you stopped him. “This isn’t about my social skills, is it? You still pity me for being a human so you gave me a werewolf to make me feel better!” You were speaking in a hushed tone so you wouldn’t warrant any unwanted attention but internally all you wanted to do was scream. “Henry, did you know about this too?” When he didn’t reply you scoffed, throwing your hands up in defeat. “Y/N, darling, we-” Songwook had spoken this time but you were quick to cut him off. “Forget it. I’m leaving.” And with that, you grabbed your bag and left. “Y/N come back, I’m your ride.” Jungkook tried reasoning but you were still walking away, your pride clearly getting in the way of your rationality because walking 30 minutes in heels was not rational. 

You stared at your sore feet in your Iron Man pyjamas as you cried to Spongebob, this wasn’t your proudest moment but you liked to think there were worse ways you could’ve handled the situation. Your family (Henry and your dad) kept blowing up your phone so you turned it off and sat not-so-peacefully on your weirdly comfortable couch. You heard a knock on the door and you didn’t open it, already knowing who was behind it. “Y/N, let me in please, I have your food.” The idea of opening the door to Jungkook seemed painful but you were also painfully hungry so you opened it anyway, snatching your food out of his hand. You tried to close the door but his foot jammed it and he pried it open with ease despite you using all your effort to keep it shut. You needed to start bulking. 

After he got in, you gave up and went back to your couch where you wrapped the blanket back around you and continued watching TV, now with food in your hand. “Y/N, I’m sorry but you have to believe me, I genuinely wanted to be your friend ever since we had that first lunch together, I promise.” You didn’t reply, in fact, your reaction (more so the lack thereof) had him thinking he didn’t even say anything at all. He grabbed the remote from your table and turned off the TV. You gave him a fleeting glare but didn’t say anything else. “Y/N.” You didn’t react once again, eating your pasta with aggression. “Y/N, look at me.” He grabbed both of your shoulders so he could turn you to face him. “I mean it, I’m sorry about how it started but I promise I wanted to be your friend.” You put your foot down, your sadness overpowering your hunger. “Wanted is past tense, should I be worried?” You joked but the tear that slid down your face taunted you straight after. You wiped it quickly but before you knew it more were springing down. He moved his hand to softly wipe your tears away and let out a breath of relief when you didn’t flinch away. 

“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil. But these are so stop crying, nerd.” You darted your eyes up so quickly the blood rushed to your head. “Gandalf!” He smiled at how excited you were. “I don’t study fictional characters for fake friends, Y/N.” Your excitement fled a little but you smiled at him slightly. “There was a reason we had that dinner tonight.” Your smile fell and your face looked puzzled. “Why?” Jungkook took a deep breath before continuing. “If I tell you, you can’t get mad at me. I kept it from you because we all wanted to tell you tonight.” You nodded a little hesitantly, scared about what he was going to tell you. 

“Y/N, remember that night you kissed me and I walked out?” You nodded, wincing at the memory. “That night, I found out you were my mate.” You inhaled so quickly you started choking. Jungkook pat your back though it seemed useless. Once your cough calmed down, you punched Jungkook on his arm harshly. “You asshole! I spent that entire night sulking because of you.” He laughed but your glare made him stop abruptly. He took both of your hands in his. “I panicked, I wasn’t expecting it to be you.” You thought he was disappointed so your smile turned into an apprehensive one. “Oh…” He grabbed your face by the chin and made you face him. “I wasn’t expecting it but I was so fucking glad it was.” You started feeling bashful under his gaze so you tried to avoid his eyes. “Is that why Berlin was so adamant on dragging me into your issue, did he know too? I let that bitch use my good camera!” Jungkook sighed at the memory of him but he nodded nonetheless. You jumped up from the couch quickly. “Wait, that means I can turn and then people can stop looking at me like I’m an alien!” Jungkook nodded, laughing at your random outburst. “Only if you want to though, you don’t have to decide that yet, we have time.” 

He pulled you back to the couch, this time you landed on his lap. He wrapped his arm around your waist and you leaned your head on his chest. “You’re an ugly crier.” You sat up to frown at him but he just pulled you back to his chest. “I lied, it’s just because I never want to see you cry again.” You pinched his arm and he exclaimed loudly. “What was that for?” You laughed before cuddling into him again. “Insulting me for your selfish desires…wait I have pasta!” You sprung out of his lap to go back to eating your food, turning on the TV in the process and Jungkook wondered how he managed to get paired with someone quite as unique as you. 

“I think you’re half-fish.” You said once you saw Jungkook after the swim meet. “If I was would you still love me?” You stopped walking to ponder before shaking your head. He cocked his eyebrow at you before you nodded in agreement with yourself. “I hate fish so, no. Unless you were like a merman, that would be hot. Wait but what if you turn into an actual fish then how-” He pulled you by the arm to continue walking to his car. “I was kidding, Y/N.” You were still stuck in thought. “Yes, but the premise is interesting.” He pinched your cheek in a surprise attack. “Remind me why I’m dating a nerd?” You shrugged before interlocking your hand with his. “Remind me why I’m dating a fish?” He gave you an unamused look which you instantly matched before laughing at him. 

“Can I drive?” You asked, mustering the most convincing face you can create, already in the passenger seat. “No,” Jungkook replied sternly, hoping you’d let it go because his resolve was quick to disappear with you. “Please, I need to practice.” He frowned before whining childishly.  “Y/N, this is a Mercedes Benz can’t you practice on a Toyota or something?” You rolled your eyes at his dramatic rejection but you came up with a better plan. “I don’t know anyone who drives a- wait, do you think your friend Hoseok would teach me? He drives a Toyota.” Jungkook gave you an annoyed look before begrudgingly exiting the car. You got out excitedly as you rushed to the driver's seat. “You’re evil, you know that?” He asked angrily and you nodded, giving him a kiss on the cheek which forced a smile out of him. 

The second you started the engine he began tutting in disappointment. “What?” You turned to him annoyed but he just moved over you to grab the seatbelt, clasping it in place and giving you a kiss which you had to pull away from before it escalated. “I did that on purpose because I knew you would do it for me.” Jungkook just hummed in fake agreement but you paid it no mind. You always felt obnoxiously happy each time he kissed you and you were almost sure you’d never stop. “Jungkook?” He turned to expectantly before you gave him a beaming smile. “I love you, fish or human.” He turned away from you, annoyed at your random confession. “Just focus on the road, okay?” You nodded dutifully and about 5 minutes into your drive home, he randomly called your name. “What, did I turn 0.3 seconds too late?” You joked but he just stared at you. 

 “I love you too, nerd.”

#jungkook #jungkook imagines #jungkook fic #jungkook imagine #bts #bts fic #bts scenarios #bts imagines #werewolf jungkook #bangtan #bangtan fics #jungkook fics #bts fluff #bangtan fluff #bts angst #jungkook scenarios

[bbymochiroll]

Let's take a look at Kang Daniel's new album Yellow from a psychology student perspective.

I think there is some general information we should know before looking at Kang Daniel's album. As language always goes from west to east in the world, the power of description increases, and word excess decreases. This is the most general expression, "Why don't Korea and other Asian music stand out as much in songwriting as in other countries?" It is the answer to your question. This is why Korean music does not seem "deep" enough to non-Asian people at first glance, because word usage and culture are different. This is the general reason why Korean artists struggle to share a bit of their artistic side with the world when singing in English. But artists like Kang Daniel can prove what he can do by overcoming this barrier, so I think we should talk about the Yellow album. In short, We know that people living in Asian countries generally live with a slightly “blue” ambiance. This is the other reason for our fundamental general problem “ not being able to write deep enough lyrics.” to understand the music of people who live among intense emotions with few words, you need to read the clips, body movements, tone of voice, and the words they use well.

Track one, Digital

The album greets you with background music that feels like a rush. I loved Daniel's use of such a technique to describe the complex emotional signals he experienced in his inner world. Digital, is a song about how he tried to struggle on his own during tough times in general and how it badly affected Daniel. Maybe he wanted to describe the times he just started feeling paranoia and emotional anxiety. This is must be so hard for someone who has social anxiety, his courageous sharing of how he felt lonely during his life is appreciated. Sharing a situation that he has been living alone for a long time with the whole world is just an act of a real artist.

Track two, Paranoia

Daniel, who introduced us to the unconscious in the first song now wants to tell more boldly what he has been through with this song and shares the drive of reconciliation with us with his negative situation. This may be one of the most difficult but most effective steps to healing, accepting your situation, and talking about it. I think we should appreciate the fact that the dark times he lived had taught him and realized the changes he had given him, and that he wrote a song with self-criticism. This song shows us how people can be in a struggle in their inner world, and it beautifully describes what most people we think are good have to fight with. It is an act of great courage to share this with the whole world. When was the last time you told someone something special? Now imagine sharing that thing with the world. Daniel is a truly brave artist.

Track three, Misunderstood (Featuring Omega Sapien)

It has always been more difficult to explain ourselves to other people in the periods we live with mental problems and it has been a situation that requires a long time to understand. Daniel told us with this song, "What can I feel at the end of the day if I meet the wrong person at a wrong time?" gives a great answer to the question. Under the many communication problems we experience in love, we can say, not accepting our situation or pushing ourselves too much, feeling misunderstood forever, the depression and mental fatigue that accompany it negatively affect our lives. It turns out that Daniel is not experiencing this for the first time, because he says, "Here we go again ...", it broke my heart very much. It is an exhausting process for that person who needs to understand you when you are living at a sufficiently intense pace and fighting with mental problems. This song is a great choice for accepting the dark periods and explaining the hard feelings depression gives us.

Track four, Antidote

It made me very proud that Daniel was aware of the situations he was living through and took the first steps to get out of it. Because in this song he clearly said, “I am having a hard time and you are not good for me. I can find my own medicine and I don't need you. " he gives his message to us. When faced with depression, sometimes it can be very difficult to see people and situations that really hurt us, the previous song is a great example of this. Things that you think are good for you can make you feel "misunderstood forever" and you have to get rid of them when the time comes. With this song, Daniel proves to us that he did the best for himself and did his best to get rid of this problem.

Track five, the last track on this album, Save U ( Featuring Wonstein)

Daniel tries to tell us that he was going through a difficult mental process in four songs, but perhaps the best part of this album is that he tells us in the last song that they are all in the past and he has regained his old strength. After making sure that he feels as good as before, Daniel clearly states that he is ready to be with everyone dear to him, in this song he proves how loyal and loving he is to everyone who values ​​him, and the healing process is completed.

Finally,

There are very few people in the Korean music industry who speak clearly about what they lived like Daniel. We need people like Daniel because most people still find it “embarrassing?” to talk about the mental problems they are going through. Please don't forget to congratulate and support Daniel for his bravery!

Thank you!

#kang daniel #kang daniel yellow #kang daniel paranoia #kang daniel antidote

[riversofmars]

We Don’t Have to Use Words Part 1/2

Back even though no-one asked for it: me writing more Liv and Helen. :D 

One thing I'll say, please don't be mad at me over Tania. I love her, I really do and I want her to be happy, but I would prefer Liv to end up with Helen, that's all. And I really hope i handled the issue well enough. Neither Liv nor Helen are intending to hurt her, okay? I hope that comes across. 

After Helen spends the day hearing about how their neighbours Ron and Tony got together, she confides in Liv about her gay brother. Things had changed so much since the time she grew up in, but some things were still difficult to say. Particularly when she was only coming to terms with those things herself. As they continue their conversation, both women consider their feelings towards each other.

Rating: G

AO3 Link

Part 1

“Am I still a mystery to you as well, Miss Sinclair?“ Liv followed Helen into the kitchen. They were alone in their flat at 107 Baker Street, the Doctor was still out.

“Very much so.“ Helen chuckled as she filled the kettle with water, relaxing a little as the conversation turned less serious. “You build walls around yourself like a fortress.“ She flicked the kettle on to boil while retrieving two mugs from the cupboard. It had become a ritual of sorts between them. They used to do it on the TARDIS too, unwinding over a cuppa after an adventure. Old habits die hard.

“I’m sorry.“ Liv said and Helen looked around, confused at how serious she sounded. The look on her face revealed the damage the off-hand comment had caused.

“That’s not… I didn’t mean that as a criticism…“ Helen back peddled quickly. Liv had given much more weight to her words than she had intended. It hadn’t been an accusation, just a fact. Liv always kept her cards close to her chest and that was just fine. Helen sat the mugs down quickly. Liv looked genuinely hurt, she was biting her lip, evidently considering her response.

“I’m not keeping you out, you know me better than anyone else.“ Liv said, her words strained as if she was trying to swallow frustration and hurt but couldn’t quite manage it.

“Oh no! That’s not what I meant! I don’t… we are the best of friends, Liv, of course I know you and I don’t feel like you’re keeping me at arms length.“ Helen reached out quickly and took Liv’s hand that had become a clenched fist in her jumper. “You’re just a private person and that’s fine. Like I said some things are just not… easy to talk about.“ She gave her a pleading smile, hoping she would understand that she wasn’t meaning to hurt her. Liv’s hand relaxed in her own and Helen was relieved. The kettle turned itself off as the water had finished boiling and Helen looked around. Saved by the bell! “Maybe you were right, we don’t have to use words, making a cup of tea for someone can say just as much…“

It was the way they did things. Those things were signs of a firm friendship. Doing things for each other. Spending time together. They didn’t always need to talk about deep and meaningful things. They had done their share of that for tonight and Helen was keen to move on from that. Her own words, the things she had revealed, were still echoing in her mind. She looked to Liv who was watching her, her expression unreadable, and she hoped she hadn’t revealed too much. The day had brought a lot of emotions to the surface already and she couldn’t bear to think she had made things more complicated with Liv, too.

Helen busied herself making tea, distracting herself from the heavy silence that had suddenly fallen between them. She felt Liv’s eyes on her and wondered how much of what she had said before was still playing on her mind as well.

“You know what else says a hell of a lot?“ Liv’s voice drew her attention and Helen looked around, surprised to find her standing right behind her.

Liv reached up and took her face in her hands, pressing a firm kiss to her lips. Helen froze up and grabbed on to the edge of the work surface behind her, giving her hands something to do other than pulling Liv Chenka close. Her brain couldn’t catch up with what was happening. Liv’s lips were soft and warm against her own, gentle pressure, not demanding but not without desire either. It was even better than she had imagined.

The kiss ended all too soon and Helen just blinked at Liv, perplexed. Liv, for her part, looked up at Helen unsure, seemingly wondering if she had made a terrible mistake. Her lack of response was more telling than anything else.

“I… I’m sorry, I didn’t…“ Quickly, Liv took a step back, retreating to a safe distance. She clenched her hands to fists again, tense and angry with herself.

“Liv…“ Helen found her voice at last, snapping out of her trance. Her heart was pounding in her ears. She felt panic rising inside her, her chest tightening, at the prospect of an impossible choice. She had wondered what it would be like to kiss her best friend, there was no denying that. She was brave enough to admit to herself that that was something she had wanted for a long time. Was it right though? For either of them?

“Did I… misread the… what you said earlier, I assumed…“ Liv struggled for words, she blushed deeply, she averted her eyes and grabbed the edge of her jumper more tightly.

“Yes! I mean, no…“ Helen didn’t know what to say. “What…“

“I thought you meant… when you said you were jealous and…“ The words burst out of Liv like a waterfall of justification, but almost an accusation as well: “And when you said some things weren’t easy to say, I thought you meant…“

“I didn’t, I was talking about Albie and… besides you’re with… Tania and…“ Helen exclaimed, avoidance seemed to be the safest option. She stood to lose so much. She couldn't risk it just because she had gotten emotional.

“That’s why I said, love doesn’t run to a schedule, this might be bad timing but…“ Liv’s voice turned more desperate. Had they both completely misunderstood the other? “I like Tania a lot but we’re just starting out and she’s not…“ Liv felt a twinge of guilt, of course she did, but honesty was the best policy, surely. She had started this so she had to follow through.

“What?“ Helen couldn’t keep up. She was confused.

“She’s not you!“ Liv exclaimed. “If I’d known…“

“Well, uh… you’re… wrong. I’m not… I was just…“ Helen was beginning to panic. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t be the reason her friend broke off a promising relationship when she, herself, was still struggling to come to terms with them. She had no experience in this. Liv had been right. She had never talked about relationships much because it had never been of much interest to her. She should just carry on like that. It would be easiest for everyone.

“Oh…“ Liv’s face fell, Helen’s words hit like a punch in the gut, leaving her winded and disoriented.

“Sorry.“ Helen’s heart broke over the look on her best friend’s face. Did she really feel for her so strongly that her rejection would hurt her so much? Quickly Helen reached out, grabbed her arm before Liv could bolt as she was sure she was about to. “You’re… my best friend and… you’re brave and kind and intelligent and… beautiful, you…“ Helen so badly wanted to undo the damage her words had done.

“So what’s the problem?“ Liv shot back, angry. It didn’t happen often that she would share her heart with anyone and the rejection stung more than she could have imagined.

“I don’t know I… I didn’t even consider that I might… And then you turn up and you’re all confident and strong and, I’m not like that.“ Helen shook her head, hoping Liv would understand. Maybe she couldn’t find the right words to say it but surely she knew her well enough to grasp her meaning.

“You’re the strongest woman I know.“ Liv retorted and her tone was a strange mixture of accusatory and encouraging.

“Don’t make fun of me.“ Helen huffed and let go of Liv’s hand. She could deal with her being hurt and angry with her but she didn’t appreciate her making fun of her.

“I’m not.“ Liv replied, affronted that she would even think that was her intention.

“You can’t joke about these things with me, Liv. I can’t do that. I never… “ Helen shook her head.

“I am not joking. Is that what you think this is, that I’m trying to see if I can push your buttons?“ Liv demanded to know, frustrated. “I know how hard this is for you, I can tell.“ She shrugged and laughed at how ridiculous a conversation they were having. Fighting over something that shouldn’t be a disagreement at all: “And I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t think you felt the same way. You said as much earlier!“

“I didn’t know what I was saying, it just came out, I was just trying to make sense of everything and…“ Helen didn’t know how to explain. She couldn’t work it out, it was too big, too complicated to comprehend.

“Then let me help you do just that.“ Liv’s expression softened.

Maybe she could see how much she was struggling, Helen thought. Maybe she could forgive her.

Liv took Helen’s arms that she had hugged protectively around herself and pulled them apart. She ran her hands down her arms until they came to rest around Helen’s trembling fingers. She was trembling all over. “You want to know something that’s easy to say?“ Liv asked softly and Helen averted her eyes, she couldn’t stand the pity she found reflected back at her. “I love you.“ Liv said simply and without hesitation. “See, it’s the most fundamental thing between two people, the most human thing… I love you . You can say it as easily as that.“

“Liv…“ Helen couldn’t look at her, her eyes blurred, her voice became choked up. Liv couldn't even have meant it like that. She was just giving an example about how easily one could talk about their feelings. And yet, the effect those words had on her was profound.

“No, Helen, listen, please.“ Liv could tell that she was about to protest but she couldn’t let her. “I know this isn’t easy for you, I understand, but you can’t let the past dictate your future. This is not the 1960s anymore.“ She gave her hands a tight squeeze. She saw the tears gathering in her best friend's eyes.

“That’s not what it’s about.“ Helen tried to clear her throat but it only made her sound more upset.

“Then what?“ Liv asked. She let go of her hands and cupped her face instead, brushing away her tears with her thumbs. “Help me here, Helen, cause I really want to know.“ She whispered.

“It’s just, I can’t 'cause… timing and…“ Helen gave a desperate little chuckle. Why couldn't she have realised this before now? Any time really. It had been there for so long. Maybe even since the day Liv and the Doctor had broken into her office at the National Museum, she just hadn’t realised it at the time. She had thought about her when they had been split up from them, when she had been with the Eleven on Rykerzon and thought she would never see them again. She had noticed how much she liked being with Liv when they had been on Kaldor. She had accepted she couldn’t be without her in Salzburg. She had spent a lifetime to save her and the Doctor and Liv had spent her one wish on saving her in turn. They had sat together reading fairy tales to each other, held each other close… and yet, none of it had been enough to help her understand herself. Not truly, until today.

“Stop being silly.“ Liv interrupted her thoughts, almost as if she could hear them. “I love you, Helen Sinclair.“ She said, looking into her eyes to make sure she'd heard her. “There, I said it. Easiest thing in the world. And I would have told you sooner if I thought I stood a snowball’s chance in hell that you like me back.“ Liv laughed at how ridiculous a notion it seemed. “But you never said, Helen, you never said . You never spoke of any interest at all, interest in anyone, so I assumed that ruled me out as well.“

“And you didn’t think that maybe my past was holding me back?“ Helen said, barely audible.

“Have I or the Doctor ever given you reason to think we wouldn’t accept you, however, whatever you did?“ Liv asked, incredulous.

“No, of course not…“ Helen shook her head a little without looking at her.

“Then what is holding you back?“ Liv asked softly, stroking more stray tears off her pale cheeks.

“Well, you’re… dating now…“ Helen mumbled and Liv sighed, feeling that twinge of guilt again. Helen was right, the timing was terrible. She had been seeing Tania. Lovely, kind Tania. She didn’t want to hurt her. But they were just starting out, they were still getting to know each other whereas Helen… well, she was Helen . The person dearest to her in the whole universe. She loved Helen, simple as that. She had done so for a very long time but never considered the feeling might be mutual. But now that she did, what was she to do? Should they carry on like nothing had happened? Never speak of it again? Would Liv be able to forgive herself if she let it all go? And allowed things to get more serious with Tania? She liked her and perhaps, in time, she would grow to love her, but could she ever love her as much as she already loved Helen?

“Tania is great, she really is. But you wouldn’t believe the amount of times she has asked about our relationship. I'll talk to her tomorrow and she will understand. We only just met. But the fact of the matter is, Helen, that I’m in love with you.“ Liv said slowly, considering her words. At the end of the day, it was as easy as that. She leaned forward and kissed the tears off her cheeks. “I love how kind and considerate you are. Your quiet strength, your intelligence, your determination, your selflessness and your compassion.“ She punctuated every quality with a kiss. “You make me want to be better, be more like you, I admire you.“

“Oh Liv.“ Helen sobbed, her words only causing her to cry more. “Just stop!“ She blushed deeply, embarrassed by her compliments.

“No, I won’t stop. Not until you realise just how much you mean to me. How serious I am. How much I want you.“ Liv smirked a little, sensing she was wearing down her defences at last.

“Oh shut up.“ Helen leaned forward and silenced her the only way she knew how. The kiss was wet and sloppy with tears but she could feel Liv smiling against her lips, relieved and maybe even a little bit smug. Helen pulled back and wrapped her arms around her. She rested her forehead against hers. “I love you, Liv Chenka.“ The words came to her easier than she thought possible.

“Did I also mention how much I love the way my name rolls off your tongue?“ Liv smirked sheepishly and Helen laughed, her tears drying at last.

“Is that so?“ She chuckled.

“Most definitely.“ Liv nodded eagerly, biting her lip nervously, as if she was going to say something  but thought better of it.

“What are you thinking?“ Helen eyed her curiously, she knew her well enough to spot her hesitation instantly.

“Oh it’s nothing.“ Liv let go of her and reached past her for the mug on the work surface. “Best have this before it gets cold…“

“Liv!“ Helen exclaimed, playfully offended at her attention wandering. She didn’t appreciate the teasing. “What were you going to say? What were you thinking?“

“You really want to know?“ Liv asked, taking a sip of the tea, eyeing Helen over the rim of the mug. The tea was rather cold and much too strong as Helen had forgotten to take the tea bag out. She sat the mug down disappointedly.

“As it clearly relates to me. Yes!“ Helen playfully crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“I was imagining how much I will enjoy hearing you say my name when we’re in bed together.“ Liv answered with a smirk. She had asked. She brought her hands to Helen’s hips, holding her so she couldn’t bolt.

“Liv!“ Helen exclaimed, mortified, blushing scarlet red, though her words made her feel hot all over, not just in her cheeks.

“Thought it might be too soon, but you asked.“ Liv chuckled in amusement. She couldn’t help herself, she pushed her hands up a little, just under the hem of Helen’s blouse.  

“Honestly that’s…“ Helen cleared her throat, averting her eyes, refusing to meet Liv’s piercing gaze.

“What?“ Liv tilted her head playfully. She wasn’t usually one for teasing but Helen’s reaction was wonderful and her proximity was intoxicated. “You think I haven’t thought about it?“ Liv hummed, running her fingertips along her waistline.

“Well, I…“ Helen didn’t have words. She couldn’t think.

“Haven’t you?“ Liv asked leaning closer, pressing her body to Helen’s.

“I… I…“ Helen swallowed hard, her heart was pounding and she felt a strange sort of pull in her gut that she couldn’t remember feeling before, at least not like this. She’d had sex before and she had enjoyed it but she had never felt that burning desire that people spoke of. That fiery passion… she was getting so hot under her collar now, she realised that maybe she had been missing out.

And then, Liv kissed her. Not like before. Not tentative and soft and loving, Gods no . This kiss was so very much like Liv herself: Confident, demanding, passionate, strong. And Helen leaned into it. She kissed her back with equal favour or at least tried to. Liv pushed her tongue inside her mouth and Helen moaned, it was intoxicating, she was making her head spin.

Helen pushed her hands into Liv’s hair for something to hold on to and Liv pulled back, just for a moment. She searched her face for clues, to find out how she was feeling. Was she going too fast? Was this too much? Did Helen even want her to kiss her like that ?

“I’m okay.“ Helen could read the questions in her eyes before the med-tech could voice it. She nodded encouragingly, slightly out of breath but eager to keep going. It was liberating. They had danced around each other for so long, she had taken this long to understand what her feelings even meant, she didn't want to wait any longer to delve into them. “Keep going.“

Liv ran her tongue along her lips that had suddenly turned very dry. She had been teasing Helen, that had been her only intention and kissing her like that, that was something else. Was she really suggesting what she thought she was? As previously proven, they had been known to miscommunicate on occasion.

“You… uh… you mean…“

“I uh…“ Helen blushed deeply when she realised the weight of her words. Was this a good idea? It wasn’t like they had just met and were acting irrationally. They had known each other for a lifetime. Perhaps she wasn’t thinking clearly but who could blame her with Liv Chenka standing so close to her. And there was that pull in the pit of her stomach…

“Liv? Helen?“ A voice called out as the door to the flat opened and they both froze.

“Oh God… It’s the Doctor…“ Helen breathed and Liv quickly put a few paces between them, just in time for the Doctor to stick his head around the door. “Ahh there you are. Had a nice day?“

“Yup, all good.“ Liv forced a smile and Helen nodded quickly:

“Yeah. Brilliant.“

“Great. Is there a cuppa for me?“ The Doctor asked, making his way over to them, eyeing the mugs on the work surface.

“You may need to boil the kettle again. Tea's got cold…“ Liv said, awkwardly folding her arms in front of her chest. She glanced at Helen, wondering what she wanted to do and Helen looked back at her helplessly.

“What are you doing drinking cold tea?“ The Doctor, meanwhile, was absolutely oblivious to their silent exchange.

“I’ve suddenly come over really tired, I might have to head off to bed. How about you, Helen?“ Liv said, giving a little nod towards the door.

“I uh… yeah, actually, been quite the day…“ Helen started nodding, catching her intention.

“What? You don’t even want to know what I’ve been up to?“ The Doctor asked, looking around confused as he filled the kettle with water.

“Maybe tomorrow? I don’t think I have the capacity to focus on one of your stories now…“ Liv gave him an apologetic smile. That certainly was no lie… When she looked at Helen, the prospect of what they could be doing right now was clouding her mind.

“You know the funniest thing happened when we were in the past, like someone trying to send an SOS across the time streams…“ The Doctor carried on but neither of them was really listening.

“Fascinating.“ Liv was halfway to the door already and Helen followed quickly.

“Maybe tomorrow.“

“Am I missing something?“ The Doctor called after them but didn’t get a response. He shrugged and turned back to make his tea.

#doctor who #fanfiction #liv chenka #Helen Sinclair #Liv/Helen #Liv Cheka x Helen Sinclair #femslash #fluff #romance #mild angst #Eighth doctor #UNIT dating #Stranded 2 #doom coalition #Ravenous #big finish

[linkspooky]

Pathetic Little Brother

What makes Kimetsu no Yaiba special as a manga is that fights are not just an oppurtunity to show off the cool powers of the invidual characters and new breathing styles. The fights, especially in the latest and most likely final arc are thematic in their set up, to the point that every single character involved in the fight will be connected. All of those characters share something in common. 

Gyomei, Sanemi, Tokito, Genya and Kokushibou are all bound by the idea of family, especially the connection between siblings, and the ways that vitally important family connection can go wrong. MORE UNDER THE CUT. 

There are so many parallels in this fight, that in an attempt to cover them all I am going to break them into sections. The common thematic connection betwen all of these however all focus around the ideas of miscommunication, the harm of self sacrifice, and how important family is to identity. 

1. Tokito and Kokushibou

The first connection introduced is between upper moon Kokishoubo and pillar Tokito. Besides being connected by blood, Tokito and Kokushibou both led lives with several parallels to one another.The two of them both grew up with a twin brother. That twin is someone incredibly important to them, a person they consider their only real family after having lost all of their other family. Yet despite the importance of that person they each experience a frayed relationship with their twin rife with miscommunication. 

Kokushibou and Tokito have twin brothers who are incredibly important to them, but both of them fail to understand their only brother in the end because there was no communication in the relationship at all from either side. This lack of communication is painted as something that inevitably leads to resentment no matter how well intentioned it was. 

In both families it seemed that older and younger sibling had a ‘role” so to speak. The older sibling was the frank, cold, and angry one. The younger sibling is the meek, but kind and thoughtful brother. Kokushibou was the older brother in his family, and Tokito was the younger brother. They also both become the only surviving twin long after their brother has passed, and survive with incredibly incomplete feelings on what happened between them and their brother with almost no closure. 

In both cases though it’s painted as a complete lack of communication that led to the breakdown of the relationship. All the Tokito siblings have is each other, but the two of them stop talking entirely which makes it impossible for either of them to understand the other’s feelings.Both siblings have a deep affection for the other and view the other as an incredibly important person, but those feelings never reach them because of an unwillingness to communicate. 

It’s because the brothers are always trying to show those feelings in indirect ways rather than just trying to speak honestly with one another. Older Tokito’s feelings for his brother manifested in his protectiveness. In the case of both older brothers, their feelings of admiration for their brother also manifest in a sense of inferiority in themselves. They both define themselves as the ‘bad one’ in comparison to their brother. It’s just they both act on their inferiority in different ways, one resents, the other tries to protect. 

However, older Yuuichirou’s brand of protecting turned into constantly verbally berating him. Which made it ocmpletely impossible for Tokito to understand his brother’s feelings for him, or what his brother was trying to do and ruined the entire relationship no matter how well intentioned it was. 

In both cases the older brothers always view themselves as an unkind, and unchosen person who is incapable of being good in the same way their younger brother is. The younger brother is also, completely incapable of noticing those feelings the older brother held and being able to help them in any significant way. 

His older brother was well intentioned but his death, and self sacrifice leaves Tokito so emotionally damaged that he loses all of the memories he had of himself. He literally loses his identity because he lost the family that was most important to him. Self sacrifice in this case is framed as a well-intentioned, but also tragic thing that leads to inflicting more harm then helping.

Because again it’s the case of the brothers showing their affection to each other in indirect ways, rather than telling each other how they feel. In that way, both brothers are left alone to have their emotions fester instead of being unable to communicate it in a clear way.

Yoriichi is presented as someone incredibly selfless and caring but absolutely terrible at communication, to the point where it is a flaw. The same way that Yuichirou always shut out his brother, Yoriichi never communicates his brothers importance to him except by actions of self sacrifice. Not only that but Yoriichi’s poorly chosen words make it appear like he’s looking down on his older brother who spent his entire life wanting to chase one passion. 

Kokushibou is so insecure because basically he’s directing all of his feelings at a big, white, wall that cannot communicate with him in any way. Of course his emotions fester because he’s left almost entirely alone in them. Both of the brothers are each other’s only significant family and yet neither of them can understand that about the other. Kokushibou was kind to Yoriichi even before he knew that he was talented, when he was just a pitiable younger brother he still gave him a flute and gave him gifts behind his father’s back. Yoriichi cares about his brother just as much, but he only ever shows it in indirect ways and gestures that Kokushibou himself never asked for. 

Yoriichi’s act of self sacrifice is presented as something that ruined their entire relationship. Instead of communicating how much he wanted to stay and remain family with his brother, Yoriichi leaves him alone and does the “noble thing” of sacrificing himself and that destroys any chance they have of being a family. The same way that Yuichiro cannt simply communicate he wants his brother to stay safe and instead chooses an action that protects him against is own brother’s wishes. Younger Tokito did not want his brother to cosntantly berate and humiliate him in order to be protected by him. Kokushibou did not ask his brother to sacrifice himself for his sake. 

Their relationship was at their best when both Yoriichi and Kokushibou believed they would stay together. The happy memory that Kokushibou recalls is becoming the strongest and second strongest samurais in the lands together. However, by severing that bnod between them for Kokushibou’s sake, by choosing to protect him rather than stay as his brother their bond is permanently ruined. Not only that, but family is once again so important to Kokushibou.

His brother was always the most important person to him, and losing that connection and letting it fester until it rot like Yoriichi did because he absolutely cannot communicate at all, is something that leaves Kokushibou entirely empty the same way Tokito was. Tokito loses his identity by losing his memories, Kokushibou loses his identity because he spent his entire life empty and unfulfilled.

And that’s why the bond between them was severely unhealthy. By defining himself as the inferior, bad one and Yoriichi himself doing nothing to correct that, he’s never able to be equals with his brother which is obviously what Kokushibou desperately wants. He longs for that connection with his brother where both of them can be equal family members, and because he does not have it, he cannot enjoy a single thing about his life and continually feels unworthy. He views himself as someone useless and completely expendable. His family relationship in the end completely destroyed him rather than reaffirming his worth and value as a person. Family can build you up, or family can destroy you. 

2. Genya and Sanemi

Genya and Sanemi are another older sibling younger sibling pair who are both fiercely protective of one another, and yet at the same time cannot enjoy each other’s love because of the severe miscommunication that happens in their relationship. 

Just like in the case of the Tokito brothers, both Genya and Sanemi have moments of being incredibly cruel to their sibling. In that same case, Muichiro and Genya both the younger siblings do not consider the feelings of their older brother at all. Yoriichi is also fundamentally someone who never once understood how his older brother felt, or how he was making him feel. Genya of the three seems to realize the most of how devastating this was. How not bothering to try to understand the actions of his own older sibling must have hurt. 

In each case, all three sets of brothers are also the only family they have left. Genya and Sanemi were the only survivors, Muichiro and Yuichiro were both orphaned and live together for a year, Kokushibou was the only one besides their mother who showed any kindness to his brother Yorichii and all and valued him as a person before he showed off what he could do with a sword. 

That is why being told this by your only real family is framed as something completely devastating. Being misunderstood by the one person in your life who should understand you invalidates your own efelings, and this leads to further and further miscommunications. 

Genya and Sanemi are presented as at their best, their most happiest when they are both together. Just like in the case of Yoriichi and Kokushibou. They wanted to be together, and wanted to be equals. However, the tendency towards miscommunciations and each brother isolating themselves is what eventually drives them further and further apart and further away from what they want. 

The idea that Sanemi does not accept him, compeltely destroys Genya’s self esteem. The idea that they are no longer brothers is what causes Genya to be constantly insecure and desperate to be stronger. Genya is unable to understand his brother’s feelings for him on his own, and Sanemi also makes no attempt to communicate them in a healthy way. 

Sanemi’s wish to protect his brother, is ironically what drove him directly into danger. If Sanemi had been straightforward and honest instead of being cruel to is brother in order to protect him the same way Yuichirou was, then Genya would not have felt the need to constantly put himself into danger in order to prove that he was still Sanemi’s brother. 

Sanemi is well intentioned again, but again in the case of Yoriichi, and Yuichiro his self sacrifice in the end only inflicts harm on his brother. The brothers were best when they both agreed they would protect everyone together, but ever since that day Sanemi decided that he would sacrifice himself and become the only one who fought as a demon hunter while his brother lived a happy life. 

Both brothers are constantly destroying themselves to protect the other. Genya devours demons because he wants to be strong enough to protect Sanemi, Sanemi lived for years alone fighting demons so he could protect Genya from them and allow Genya to live a happy life. However, due to the fact that neither of them are acting together, and instead both acting alone they cannot understand each other. They fail to protect the person they most want to protect. 

3. Gyomei and Sanemi

Gyomei does not have a sibling, but his backstory heavily parallels Sanemi’s. Both of them fought with all they could to protect someone important to them, only to be blamed instead of thanked by the person they wanted to protect. 

This idea itself demonstrates that Self-sacrifice is not necessarily something good, or even something you will be thanked for. It’s called sacrifice for a reason, it inflicts harm on yourself, you are sacrificing something. Due to the fact that he sacrificed everything to protect one person, and then lost them, Gyomei became disillusioned with what he was fighting for. 

Gyomei constantly rambles about good and bad kids, and because of his tragedy he’s come to believe that certain children are selfish and certain are selfless. It’s also a tragedy of miscommunication in the first place, because if the children had simply listened to him they never would have happened in the first place.

However, Gyomei has forgotten the reason he was fighting. It was not to be thanked, it was because the children were good or bad, he was a kind-hearted person who wanted to give everything he had to protect those kids. 

It’s a good example to show how the urge to protect someone, and the want to fight to protect them can so easily become misguided, especially in a gentle person like Gyomei. Gyomei became stronger as a result of that fight, be he also lost something, the quiet and kind nature he had cultivated living with those children in the mountains. Losing his family was equally as devastating for him as it was for Muichiro, and Genya.

We even see Gyomei start to remember a little bit through his connection with Tanjirou, just what it was he wanted to fight for in the past. A long gone feeling he had forgotten. 

Which is the shared flaw between Gyomei and Sanemi. Their efforts to get stronger to protect the people they want to protect, only end up driving them further and further away. Gyomei and Sanemi are increidbly quiet and thoguhtful people who are always trying to look out for others, but because of their tremendous strength, and their loud personalities it’s hard to realize that about them at first brush. They keep their gentleness on the inside buried under their strength (yes Gyomei cries in public but it’s kind of... in a hard to understand and relate with others way).  They are generous and kind people who do not allow themselves to be seen that way. Sanemi hides behind his cruel tongue, and the vicious way he presents himself, and Gyomei hides behind his stoicism, but both of them are at their core denying their emotions in ways to make them appear strong in a clasically masucline sense (either having no emotions, or being angry all the time). 

They are also both very isolated people who are bad with communication, but who fight with a genuine wish to protect others. The reason Sanemi’s body is covered in scars, because he literally lets himself be cut into pieces by demons and then fights all on his own. He lures themself with his blood, and his main way of fighting has always been to injure himself at the same time.

Gyomei and Sanemi are both incredibly strong people, but their strength causes them to isolate themselves. They both have an unhealthy mentality of if they sacrifice themselves everything would be fine, because the people they love would still be able to be happy. 

Which is why they always end up fighting alone. But Gyomei’s story shows this is not the case, sacrificing everything for Sayo, only to have Sayo turn on him too meaning Sayo was safe but he had lost his entire family did not make Gyomei happy at all. It only left him bitter and incredibly isolated. So while sacrificing yourself for the sake of your loved ones so they can live on is an ideal, we’re shown the consequences of it and the reality in both Sanemi and Gyomei’s characters. 

Especially since isolating themselves, being strong so they can fight all on their own and protect the people they want to protect does not work for either of them in the end. Sanemi became a demon slayer to protect Genya. Gyomei became a demon slayer to protect children. The fight concludes with both of them failing to protect what they wanted to protect, as both Genya and Muichiro (the youngest people there, therefore a complete failure to protect the children again on Gyomei’s part despite what he was fighting for) sacrifice themselves.

Genya and Muichiro choose to sacrifice themselves for the same reasons that Sanemi and Gyomei were trying to sarifice themselves. Genya and Muichiro believe that they are both indiivdually worthless, and less important than Gyomei and Sanemi and therefore their lives are expendable. 

Yoriichi is the same, always sacrificing himself without thinking about the feelings of his brother who never asked him to do these things for his sake. In this battle we see the deconstruction of self sacrifice as something that saves other people, because in all three cases it is something that harms and destroys no matter how well intentioned it is. 

In the case of all three characters, they only wanted to be an equal with their family. Genya and Sanemi wanted to go back to being brothers. Yorichii and Kokushibou wanted to become the two strongest samurai together. Gyomei wanted to stay with his small family in the mountaints forever. Muichiro wanted to understand his brother. However, in the end all they can do when they are alone is comintue to fight. 

#kny meta #kimetsu no yaiba meta #kimetsu no yaiba #genya #sanemi #muchiro tokito #yuichiro tokito #kokushibou #genya shinazugawa #sanemi shinazugawa #gyomei himejima #michikatsu tsugikuni #yoriichi tsukiguni