A Sizzling Simpsons Summer - A Summer-themed Simpsons fan-fiction
(PS. I recommend seeing the film “enter the dragon” starring Bruce Lee to get the reference in this fan-fic, it is available on Netflix.)
It was a beautiful summer’s day in Springfield. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Ms. Hoover was giving her class some last-minute revision on geography before the end-of-school bell. “Ms. Hoover?” said Ralph, raising his hand, “Is Mr. Dwayne Johnson an igneous, a sedimentary, or a basalt?”. “For the last time, Ralph,” said Ms. Hoover, “Mr. Dwayne Johnson is not actually a rock. It is just a wrestling title”. “So... Mr. John Cena is a sedimentary?” asked Ralph. Ms. Hoover sighed. She wished that for once she could teach geography without the class being distracted by wrestling. Yes, nature had many great under-takers, like how sand was really rock that had been undertaken by the force of the water, but that had nothing to do with Dwayne Johnson or the Undertaker. This was why she regretted explaining erosion by calling it a "great undertaker". Nature also had many powerful forces of great mightiness, but that had nothing to do with the might or power displayed by two wrestlers in the ring. neither did the arctic or the tundra have anything to do with "stone cold" Steve Austin.
When Ms. Hoover’s back was turned, Ralph was hit on the head by an actual rock which came in from the window left open. “Waaahh Ms. Hoover!” sniffled Ralph, “Mr Dwayne Johnson hit me!”. “Goodness gracious!” gasped Ms. Hoover, her back still turned, “Surely Dwayne Johnson wouldn’t hit a child!”. She then turned around and saw what was really happening. “Haw-Haw!” jeered Nelson, as he leaned in through the window and pointed. “You got kissed by Dwayne Johnson! You’re gay for Dwayne Johnson!”. Nelson was on punishment and was meant to be assisting Groundskeeper Willy, but kept finding ways to distract himself and make mischief. “Yah wee runt!” came the Groundskeeper’s shrill Scottish accent. ”Ah’ll challenge ye to a wrestlin’ match o’ me own, and ye’ll be pebble-dashed!”. But the match was over before the Scotsman had even suggested it; Nelson pulled a rope hanging from a tree which released a bee-hive, landing on Willy.
Martin got up, picked up the literal rock and correctly identified it as igneous. He then went on to say that although it deserves a place on the nature table, it is nothing compared to the great Rock himself. A cynical Lisa told Martin that WWE wrestling was “choreographed” and “lame”, but that Japanese sumo wrestling was more “cultured” and “authentic”. Good grief, thought Ms. Hoover, even the very clever pupils like Lisa and Martin were obsessed with wrestling. Being obsessed with how fake wrestling is was still an obsession with wrestling and sumo was just another form of wrestling to be obsessed with. great, thought Ms. hoover, this little girl is obsessed with wrestling and Japan too.
Ms. Hoover then heard the sound that made her wonder how much time had been wasted, the end-of-school bell. No hurricane, no tsunami, no geographical force of any kind could compare with the torrent of happy children bursting out of the classrooms and all through the corridors while exhausted teachers wondered if their pupils had learned nothing from all those fire-drills. The teachers in Springfield elementary also looked forward to summer break, but not for quite the same reasons as the kids.
All around Springfield, lots of happy children were running merrily home, to find out from their parents what the plans for summer break were going to be. Rod and Todd were delighted to hear from Mr. Flanders that they were going to Bible Camp, but it wasn’t simply called “Bible Camp”. It was “Baaaiiibuhl Caymp”, and it was always spelled that way on every sign. As Ned drove his two sons on the long road-trip, passing many signs saying “You are now *this distance* from Baaaiiibuhl Caymp”. The boys asked repeatedly, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!”. Normally their favourite game was the Sit-Still-and-Be-Quiet game, but when it came to this summer camp, they couldn’t contain themselves. Ned reminded his two sons about parts of the bible where patience was mentioned. At last, they reached the archway entrance which read “Baaaiiibuhl Caymp”. “Here we are boys” announced Mr. Flanders. “Yaaaaaayyy!” cheered the brothers, as they made fists and put their arms out through the car windows.
Meanwhile, the Simpsons, who lived next door to the Flanders’ residence, were getting ready for the beach, but Homer was having a falling-out with an old friend he thought he had been getting on well with, the mirror. He did talk about it with his wife Marge. He would lean over to her, in a way that made it look like he was trying to be discreet, but was very dramatic, and speak in a voice that sounded like it was meant to be whispering but was quite loud and say “Pssst... I don’t think the mirror likes me, it’s not being very flattering”! Now that the mirror was seeing Homer in his swim-suit, the mirror didn’t have anything nice to say about how his swim-suit suited him. The mirror told Homer that he was fat, ugly, middle-aged and bald. “Oh, why does the mirror hate me?” moaned homer, “What did I ever do to you?!” he wailed. In a fit of rage, Homer pounded the mirror with his fists, the mirror cracking slightly with each pound. “WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?” he screamed. “Hmmm, be careful, Homer" cautioned Marge, “That’s a fragile mirror”. As Homer gave it one more pound, the mirror couldn’t take any more and it all fell to the floor in a heap of glass shards. Overcome with grief and remorse, homer fell on his knees and sobbed. “What have I done, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” he wept.
When he had pulled himself together, he ran into the bathroom, grabbed the box of band-aids and ran back to the broken mirror. He was now figuring out how to fit the shards together like a jigsaw puzzle and using band-aids to stick them together. When he was finished this, he examined his hands which were cut and bleeding from the glass he’d been handling, and said “Now for some band-aids... DOH!”. It had just dawned on him that he had used up the band-aids in fixing the mirror, so he ran into the bathroom again and covered his hands in toilet-roll. “DOH!” he grimaced again, when Marge pointed out that the mirror was now useless, as it was so covered in pink band-aids that you could barely see anything in it.
All in one big hurry, Homer kissed Marge goodbye, put the broken mirror in the trunk of his car, and drove off. Homer stopped in the middle of a bridge, looked around to make sure no-one was seeing him, and dumped the mirror in an already polluted and rubbish-filled river, before driving back home again. His driving was a bit hap-hazard, as it was a little harder to drive with hands wrapped in toilet paper, but he just about managed not to crash the car. He was still convinced that no-one had seen him, but he hadn’t seen the two Native Americans crying on each others shoulders.
Back at Baaaiiibuhl Caymp, one of the camp leaders was preaching to the kids that sex, drugs and rock music were bad. “When you’re old enough to do it, don’t do it!” she said. rod and Todd shocked the very religious children they were grouped with when todd stood up, pointed and said “Hey, why are you preaching abstinence when it’s clear from the look in your eyes what you’ve been doing last night?” and Rod chimed in with “yeah, we may be just kids, but we're not stupid!”. their group all turned around at them and gasped. At this camp, no-on spoke to a camp leader this way, or said the word “stupid”. Her boyfriend came over, who was an equally woozy and bloodshot-eyed camp leader, and said “Yeah kids, when you’re old enough to do it, don’t do it, now its time for a wholesome camping song with Christian themes that’re better than rock music!”. After this shocking moment, commotion spread like wildfire among the religious Christian community and the parents of children attending Baaaiiibuhl Caymp were getting very shocking phone calls.
Meanwhile, the Simpsons were looking for a new mirror and paying a visit to the grand mirror emporium at the Springfield mall. They were amazed by how many shapes and sizes of mirrors there were, and how many times they could see themselves reflected with mirror in mirror in mirror. Bart made some gurning faces that were reflected so many times that an extremely posh lady fainted with shock. A suspicious-looking Chinese man with shifty eyes hid himself among the mirrors and said “haw-haw, he’ll never find me here!”. Another Chinese man, topless, bushy-haired and wielding a nunchaku, came in and said, “Ah-hah! The enemy uses mirror images to hide their true intentions, the key is to destroy the mirror images!”. he began kicking, punching and swinging his nunchaku, striking each mirror in quick succession. He was soon caught by the mall cops for breaking all the mirrors, and as they forcefully pushed him out, he screamed “You don’t understand, that man is a super-villain!”.
“These mirrors are still not being very nice” complained Homer. “For goodness’ sake, you’re just self-conscious because you need to lose some weight,” truth-bombed Marge. “But Marge, nothing motivates me!” moaned Homer. Just then, an ad came on a TV-screen, where McBain appeared and said “Wat does your mirror image say abaht you? Are you ready to get into MCSHAPE!?”. “Hi, I’m Troy McClure,” began Troy McClure, “ You may remember me from such rude interruptions where I don’t belong as...”. “Hey, dis is mah commercial!” yelled McBain, as he picked up Troy with one hand and hurled him off the screen. He then went on to tell you about the convertible, multi-purpose, high-tech MCSHAPE fitness machine. “Hmmn, this must be good product if its endorsed by an action movie star,” mused Homer. “Look, its in the shop just opposite this one” said Marge. “Oh, I have to walk” cried Homer, but as the ad ended with McBain saying “You can also buy my new book, the MCSHAPE diet and fitness regime” Homer felt a new wave of motivation.
The Simpsons went home with a new mirror, the MCSHAPE fitness machine and McBains new book, but not before Homer’s butt-crack being reflected many times caused the same posh lady, who had just recovered from barts gurning, to faint again. Homer did get into great shape and got lots of compliments, especially from Apu at the kwik-e-mart. At the beach, Homer made new friends who he played volleyball with, and was now strong enough to use the kids as volleyballs, but Marge tried to tell him politely that they didn’t like being hurled in this way
At home in the Flanders’ house, Ned didn’t believe what he was being told on the phone. He kept insisting that Rod and Todd are such good little boys. Surely they wouldn’t make such speculations, or say the word “Stupid”. While Maude writhed in horror, saying over and over again “Someone please think of the children!”, Ned slammed the phone down and turned on TV. Ned and Maude thought a bit of the Christian channel would help them forget the ordeal, but its regular programming was interrupted by Kent Brockman reporting from the scene of Baaaiiibuhl Caymp with breaking news about the sex scandal. They were shocked to see the pictures and hear the names of Christian Christenson and Angelina Engel, as they knew them to be camp leaders, and thought they were more godly people. Kent asked Reverend Lovejoy for his comment, but the surprisingly un-religious priest made comments like “Oh who cares?” and “Did I drive all the way here for this?” without actually commenting on the situation.
Annoyed by the lack of responsiveness, Kent switched his attention to Chief Wiggum who said, ”Um... it’s not technically a crime, but it’s a very major scandal, which is why we, the Springfield Police, are here.” While Homer was working out in his front yard, Ned leaned over the fence and cried “Homer, the un-thingly-inkable has happened!”. “What is it?” said Homer, pausing his crunches. “By the way, you’ve gotten in darn-doodly great shapily-ape!” complimented Ned, “But there’s a more pressing matter, um, I don’t know how to say this but,” he dropped to a whisper, “Its a sex scandal in Baaaiiibuhl Caymp!”. “Are you planning to drive down there and see what’s going on?” asked Homer. “Pretty much what I was going to doodly-do,” said Ned, “but I wanted to know if you’re willing to come with me? You see, it would be good of you, but I can’t make you”. “Hmm... I’ve never been very religious or believed in Jeebus,” considered Homer, “but maybe, just this once, I’ll go with stupid Flanders”.
Ned thanked Homer as they hopped in Ned’s car and began a long drive, eventually reaching Baaaiiibuhl Caymp. As it was dusk, Ned led the way with a flashlight and they were accompanied by the Springfield Police. Their search led them to a tent pitched separately from the others. As Ned’s flashlight and the police searchlights shone through the tent, two shadowed figures could be seen embracing each other. Homer got down and lifted the tent from the bottom up. As the tent-pegs became undone, Homer flipped the tent from one side to the other, revealing the two camp leaders under one big duvet. “So it’s true!” gasped Ned “And wow Homer, you’re as strong as Samson!”. “No, I’m Simpson” said Homer. “Nevermind” sighed Ned. “Hey, my private life is private!” said Angelina Engel. “Yeah, bugger off!” said Christian Christenson. “You both should look in a mirror” scolded Homer, “Even by my standards, you’re heretics!”. Without anyone knowing what he was doing there, Nelson came out from behind a bush, pointed at the unscrupulous pair and laughed “Haw-haw!”. He wasn’t even in this camp.
The next day, Kent Brockman reported the sex scandal being resolved thanks to Homer’s great strength, and these two camp leaders were now banished in disgrace from Baaaiiibuhl Caymp. Ned and Maude were greatly relieved watching the news report. “Well I’m darn-doodly glad to see them cast out of Eden” said Ned.
As the Simpsons saw the same news report, Bart said “What’s the big deal? They’re just pitching a tent!”. "Bart, watch your language!” said Marge. “Bart, nothing’s really a big deal” said Homer, “It’s all just a buncha-stuff that happened, that’s all life is”. “Homer, isn’t it significant to you that you not only burned off that belly, but gained it back in muscle and now have this new bod?” asked Marge. “Well, except how sexy I am now” said Homer, admiring his own biceps. “The mirror and I are in agreement that my sexiness is a very big deal!”.
Both the Simpsons and the Flanders’s were looking forward to more of a great summer. The sex scandal in Baaaiiibuhl Caymp was resolved, the Simpsons were enjoying the beach life and homer had gotten in shape, but we all know he’s just going to go back to being fat in the next episode, as if nothing had ever happened.
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