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#because i am trying so hard

I don’t really think I’m the type of person most people need to date but sometimes I’ll be flirting with someone and they say something really sweet and vulnerable about how they need to receive love and it’s something I could never give but in that moment I briefly see the person they should be in love with and it fills me with such warmth and peace like not everyone is meant to connect like that but I always hope that everyone finds a person who knows how to say and do the right things 

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#I think I bottled up too much of emotions, #.....the meltdown isn't far away, #there are nights where I just sit and I realise that I have so many things I want to talk about, #but... there's no one who will listen to me, #I know ; I know that there are so many people in my conversation box, #I know some of them will listen to me, #but why should I bother others? Why should I burden them?, #you know...as much as I'm afraid and I don't want to admit ; most of my conversations will stay dead if I don't reach out time to time, #I know I'm not important ; I'm a lonely broken girl who will never be important, #I just... I'm done feelings so worthless and useless, #I can't smile anymore ; it hurts to smile when all I want to do is cry, #I don't want to be sunshine and rainbows ; because I am not, #do you know how hard it is to fake a perfect smile when you just want to cry & leave everything behind?, #I thought that I'm a good actress and I can pretend better, #but I can't, #it's all so overwhelming, #I always try my best to keep up my head and brighten others day...but it's immensely hard when there's no light in your own life, #ig I'll just smile and pretend that I'm fine for the rest of my life🙂, #I don't think anyone will listen to my sap talk ; and more importantly I don't want to burden them with whatever happens with me, #a bad person ; a bad daughter ; a bad friend ; a bad writer ; everything about me is bad, #like why the hell am I still alive??, #sorry for the rant ; please unsee it if you stumble upon this, #probably delete later, #love y'all ; dw about me, #🙂❤️, #I wish I knew how to handle myself, #literally everyone has problems in their life ; do they nag about it like me?, #no they don't, #done with my crappy self
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ah it’s three hours later i got distracted

#it's hard to sleep when you're excited. wasn't expecting to be excited, #but it hit me for the first time in a while that november is *november* and near the end of it, #i am leaving, #and it will be the first time since..., #since i don't know when. since whenever that was when i visited over the summer, #that i'll be in an environment where i'll be loved in a way i need to be loved and surrounded by happiness and friendship and kinship and, #it's going to be rly *rly* hard in some ways for sure of course but i've been working so hard to make me a me who can handle it, #and., #idk., #im so happy i don't know what to do with myself besides cry. whenever i think about it for more than a minute i just cry., #so i try not to think about it bc i have things to do!! which means it just hits me., #when she said they were looking for a *bed* for me or a futon or something and. just hearing someone else say the words, #''this isn't right. we talked about it and we think you need to leave. and we agreed you should come here'', #it's so easy to forget that things can and should be different sometimes and that being happy in spite of, #can't even hold a candle to being happy regardless of which can't even hold a candle to, #being happy because of., #*just* because of. straight through sincerely. breathing room., #i need to get all my crying out now bc i don't want to waste a single minute while i'm there., #not a single self-sorry tear., #to hold a hand to touch a face to hug a body, #or even just hear someone breathe, #laughing in person., #i hope she still sings.
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,

#sorry im just venting once again ignore me pls i just need to scream into the void because if i dont i think im going to completely lose it, #its 9 am i already had a huge fight with my mom, #she said she was gonna go out and i asked her to be back in time to make lunch because i have too much work to do and she kept avoiding, #answering and it exasperated me because she always always does it on purpose to get back when its too late for her to cook and i started, #yelling that im stressed and exasperated and ive been working on assignments that i dont like and im still not done, #and she was like ‘so this school was a mistake u dont like it’ and i lost it. i lost it. she is so stupid i hate her, #i yelled at her ‘its a THREE year course of course theres gonna be assignments that i dont like’ and she replied ‘u said u were gonna do, #one year for now. so u definitively decided u arent going to get ur masters degree in biotech’ and i swear she wakes up a rage in me that, #i cant control i fucking hate her she is always either one extreme or the other like she takes three words from ur sentence and uses those, #to get to an extreme conclusion l, #like i already feel lost enough, #im so scared of everything and i feel like a failure but i tried this course because i felt just as lost and out of place while i was, #studying biotech, #and i tried to give myself another chance and i feel insecure about it but i felt i needed to give it a try, #and she always ALWAYS says the wrong thing like i just need some support and people not questioning my life choices, #i was depressed and suicidal all three years of university i thought this could be a change that would help make me feel better about being, #alive and im so stressed and of course im depressed still but im trying to give myself a chance and its so fucking hard and i know my, #relatives fame supporting me and quietly hope i will miraculously change my mind and run back to university to feel inadequate and miserable, #again....., #(*fake), #i just thought my mom didnt really but she just proved she does and besides that the way its IMPOSSIBLE to have a logical discussion with, #her makes me lose my goddamn mind, #this conversation alone triggered so much, #im tired of feeling like this. im tired of existing, #god i cant stop crying, #i feel so suicidal its overwhelming, #i cant deal with all of this anymore. im so so tired
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I know the world is literally on fire and there are more terrifying things happening overseas right now. But I still find the COVID cluster encroaching on my Melbourne suburb super depressing. After so many months of lockdown while the rest of Australia isn’t. It’s hard to explain how such low case numbers (7. Like let’s put that into perspective) compared to overseas, is just making me hit a wall today. But it is. I just feel so tired. On days like this it feels like melbourne is in a different country to the rest of Australia. And this country is just never going to have the same things that they all take for granted.

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i’ve thought very hard about how i’d tell him

#i don’t know that there’s a best way tbqh, #i think you need to let it come up organically and just let it come from the heart, #it gets so hard sometimes though, #like everything in me is screaming to just TELL HIM already so i’m not constantly trapped in my own head about it, #and we can at least move on from there, #i wish i could just record my thoughts without having to write them down or say them out loud, #because i feel like i have to structure thoughts logically like into sentences with points and purposes, #but my brain just conglomerates everything together about him and it jumps from thought to memory to emotion to fantasy too fast, #to the point where trying to write it out coherently is impossible, #like what’s the point of relationships, #do i actually want to date him or do i love him strictly platonically, #would i actually be happy spending the rest of my life with him or am i only happy with the romanticized version of us i made in my head, #why do i overthink things that probably won’t come to fruition, #what would happen if we just went for it? would that be incredibly dumb with the way our lives are going?, #he’s my favorite person in the world and i think i do legitimately want to spend the rest of my life with him, #i want to do everything with him, #we talk on the phone constantly these days and it makes me feel so loved that he just wants to sit and tell me about his day, #and listen to me complain in real time and we just cook breakfast together and and and, #i just love him so much but so many things are holding me back and i just want my thoughts to be transparent, #so he could see how much he means to me and what a time i’ve been having with this
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Everyone else but me got cheap greasy hamburgers that smelled so divine I wanted to die while I instead ate warmed-over fish and vegetables. Come December, when I am released from these bonds with which I shackled myself, I will FEAST

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Vent, please ignore

(Especially if your name starts with R and you’re the host of the system that has an alter who’s dating ghost, I really hope that’s specific enough. Not because it’s about you or anything, I just know it might trigger you and I’m not confident enough in tagging for eating disorders to be sure that this won’t get past any blocked tags you might have)

#ed tw, #eating disorder tw, #you know you’re underweight when you can’t even warm your hands between your thighs because you can’t get them to touch, #like. I realize that thigh gaps are desirable or something but, #this is too much of a thigh gap, #there’s a difference between standing with your feet shoulder width apart and your thighs not touching, #and laying down on your side with your knees together and not being able to make your thighs touch, #and just. I know I need to eat more?, #but I barely have time for breakfast, #I have to essentially eat lunch during class because 30 minutes isn’t enough time to put away stuff from class microwave lunch, #eat lunch clean up from lunch and get ready of my next class, #and that’s even harder to do when you have adhd, #and dinner is an extremely bad sensory experience that I just am trying to be done with, #it’s already difficult to eat when it’s bad sensory stuff, #but I also don’t get to have a say in what we eat 90% of the time unless I make it (which I can’t because I have homework), #which means that the food is often a bad sensory experience too!, #which makes it even harder to eat and I’m more likely to not eat everything I’m given, #I just. eating is hard. and there’s so many restrictions around what/where/when I can/can’t eat and it’s often too much work, #to follow all those rules when it’s still not good enough and I end up getting in trouble, #and if I’m already going to be yelled at if I do nothing, #why was my time and energy trying to do something if I’m still going to get yelled at?, #and I can’t get myself to eat because it’s enjoyable because all my anxiety around the rules around eating means simply choosing food to eat, #makes me anxious and exhausted, #and if I ignore the rules I’m still anxious and I feel guilty for eating food that doesn’t follow the rules, #so eating makes me feel bad and tired and not eating makes me feel bad, #so it’s easier to go with the one that doesn’t make me tired, #but that also means I’m way too underweight, #and that ALSO means I get in trouble whenever my parents notice that my pants are too big or I’m too skinny or whatever, #I don’t want to be this thin!! I don’t want to be bony and painful to hug and have nothing fit me, #but I don’t have a way to gain weight while still being able to function at the level expected of me
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I finished these 2 major midterm assignments that I was really late on starting so I had to do them in 2 days but I still managed to actually make the deadlines and I actually pulled through and finished them?? Also it’s over! My week of no sleep and anxiously typing in my dreams and citations it’s all over for now!! I can’t wait to actually go to sleep :) I’m gonna paint tomorrow or read or whatever it doesn’t matter because I can do whatever fun thing I want without worrying about the impending deadlines.

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