#because i blame everything on my brain

[muttsandmustelidae]

i feel like the way ‘dogtok’/‘dogstagram’ talks about reactivity makes reactive dog owners feel a lot more ashamed than they ought to

#idk i just.. don’t really see anything to be ashamed about? and i hate the ‘your dog is reactive because you FAILED’ mindset #sometimes you do absolutely everything right and the universe still throws some shit at you that leads to reactivity #and it’s just a thing that happens sometimes #dogs are animals with teeth and claws and fur and tails #they shit outside and roll in dead things and sniff each others butts #and sometimes have big feelings about things #and that’s just part of being a little critter #it’s not a moral failing on anyone’s part that your dog is a dog instead of a cardboard cutout of a dog #not everything goes smoothly 100% of the time and sometimes you end up with an extra Thing that needs to be worked on #and yeah of course Working On It can be stressful. no one wants to see their dog having a hard time. which is exactly why we don’t need to #-be pushing the added stress of GUILT #it’s not helpful to anyone. it doesn’t prevent reactivity in the future. it just makes someone who’s already having a hard time have a- #-worse one #this is not a situation that needs blame #idk if any of this makes sense #my meds are making me a lil weird lmao #@ everyone who has a reactive dog: you’re doing a great job and if anyone tries to make you feel guilty #eat them #keep Workin On It and remember that Dogs Is Dogs #kill the goblin in your brain that tells you you’re the worst guy to have ever done it #you’re normal your dog is normal. give both of you a cookie rn

[burntcyanide]

lord of lligtnhing shifts hijz gaze !!! points his strong finger our way !! el ectricity escape s !!!! leave s destruc tion in his wak e!!!!!

god fuckign da,mn it

#i love king gizzard. i love hylics . the lord of lightning is such a good song. i listened to it again today. then i heard one of the #the lyrics. i cannot get over it #this is the fourth time ive been extra into hylics actually. and this is the strongest its ever been lol #i blame tumblr. it has been feeding the beast #i will never be able to listen to kglw the same ever again i will NEVER #and the funny thing is ?????????? i literally made a “aha pogorma song” joke to my friend around the time i first played hylics #but i never actually payed attention to the lyrics mostly the noises. but recently ive been enjoying looking at the lyrics to songs more #because they tell stories and such!!!!!!!! #apologies this has me like really really energized and excited right now for some damn reason lol #hylics #pongorma #anyways my favorite part about kglw is the “oooooOHHH” parts they tickle my brain in a funny way #i mean everything about kglw tickles my brain in a funny way but those in particular man..so good #btw the song in question (lord of lightning) has been on repeat this entire time lol :D #because when i like a song a lot i play it on repeat. #im gonna stop now before i go on forever lol

[hella1975]

something specifically shitty about IN THE MOMENT as the conversation is happening knowing you're in the wrong and you're being a cunt and continuing to do it anyway

#like yeah im being a bitch. im lashing out because of an insecurity. i dont know how else to be though #hiiii im dadposting again <3 i feel bad bc YES i have so so much bitterness towards my dad #but he is genuinely a nice man. like i had this thought the other night that he is such a good kind soft man. he just isn't a good father #and the tragedy is he COULD HAVE BEEN if he'd just SHOWED UP but he DIDNT and that's that im twenty childhood's gone #we're never getting those years back my brain has developed without a need for him and now im angry. whatever #but he's still good. he's still kind. so he'll do stuff to try help me and i just am so horrid about it #and i FEEL myself doing it i literally have a voice in my head going 'i know you've interpreted this as him condescending you #but you know that isn't the case so stop lashing out' and i literally CANT because id rather be angry than insecure #bc it all goes back to pride and shame with me EVERYTHING always does #like im so convinced my dad thinks im stupid and useless and can't do anything myself at my big age etc #which is why im SO hard on myself when shit goes wrong like not just bc of my dad like i have a general fleabagesque position in my family #of being the trainwreck one that fucks up all the time so when shit goes wrong (like my rent or my walls) it hits me 10x harder #than it logically should bc i can just FEEL my dad and sister going 'yeah well that's hella for you' #and my dad got the autistic ticky boxy numbers brain neurodivergence and i got the adhd scatterbrained neurodivergence #so for admin stuff he tries to PARENT me bc he's my DAD but i just completely reject it even though i KNOW he's not being mean #like he literally just said to me in his nervous as fuck voice bc he doesn't know how to talk to us #'remember to sort phone chargers out because the sockets are different in america' that's it. that's all he said. just looking out for me #tell me why i BARKED OUT 'i KNOW dad it's MY TRIP stop hounding me about things ive got it sorted' #in the SHITTIEST tone you ever heard. ugh i cant even be too angry at myself bc he has blame here too but it's a shitty feeling #to know i always have that propensity for cruelty even now. idk. im just thinking thoughts idkkkk hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii #hella goes home

[jonny-b-meowborn]

As time goes by I'm becoming more and more sure that I just can't survive on my own. I can take basic care of myself, but the second I have to go to a doctor or do some formal stuff I get paralyzed. I just can't. Fuck, I can barely even talk to strangers in general. Or even not strangers, I can't fucking text someone back if I'm not close to them, it's just so scary and exhausting. I'm becoming emotionally tired more easily and sometimes even talking with my mom about anything is too much for me and I love my mom. And I really need her, I can't do basic stuff without her pretty much holding my hand all the time. I can't get a normal job. We went to this blueberry plantation a few times but I just couldn't go there without her, and now the job is over and we can't go there at all. If I wasn't such a fucking baby I'd go there a few more times alone and get some money. I can't make calls, there's literally like two people I feel comfortable talking on the phone with. People used to say I was mature for my age when I was younger but I never grew up and now I'm almost 21 and can't do anything with my life. I'm scared of everything, I'm constantly exhausted physically and mentally. I'm like a fucking child. I'm scared that I'm gonna have to live with my mom my whole life. I can't see a future for myself, I'm just not able to survive without help and at some point I won't be able to get help, I don't want to be a parasite living off of my mom's money but I don't see anything else I could do. I hate my brain so much. I hate the way it refuses to work. I hate myself for being such a child.

#you know theres this weird idk. impostor syndrome about me and my autism #like on one hand i know that autism is a disability. but on the other i cant think of myself as disabled #cause im not 'autistic enough'. because i can keep myself fed and clean and healthy and alive as long as im provided with everything i need #but then i have a full on breakdown because my new laptop doesnt work and i have to go to the store to have it checked/replaced #i wanna throw up just thinking about it #i cant do anything without my moms help #i wanna throw up and cry and die when theres too much happening around me. i cant survive in the real world. i just can't #i cant get a job or a partner or go to college or move out or even just fucking. go to a store and ask for help with my laptop. #i feel like im destined to live w my mom forever and not achieve anything and die alone #i keep talking about wanting to make a living with my art but thats bullshit. i do want that but i know it's not possible for me #i cant even fucking finish the commissions i already have. im scared to get new ones. im scared to do anything. #my brain refuses to let me work on anything #and yeah i am burnt out after my diploma and exams and all that but at some point i just have to admit im not built for that. for anything. #im built to live like a parasite baby and die #my mom is too good of a person to kick me out but i wouldnt blame her. im useless. i cant make money. i cant take care of myself #i dont know what to do #bee buzz

[dapurinthos]

how attack of the clones is going in this fic, so far, going up the scale from 'this is fine' to 'this is fine (actually everything is on fire)':

lene kostana: the chillest. furthest from the action, has no idea what happened on coruscant, observing the red honeycomb zone. left padawan with jocasta nu to supervise. beginning to have a bad feeling about this. darth sidious: lightly alert for anything that could be a threat to his plans. has an ace up his sleeve that's going to cause problems for everyone except himself. kal skirata: apparently here, instead of being content with being passed a message. bribeable with snacks for his boys. may have been told 'i don't know. sit on him?' when asking 'how am i supposed to keep a jetii from doing something?' obi-wan kenobi: rumpled and confused. was sat upon by several of kal's boys (null-class arc troopers) so he wouldn't go to geonosis. did not get any uj cake. constant receptor of the 'i'm watching you' gesture from kal. anakin skywalker: has killed only three sand people! congratulations, anakin! you are the only one being fixed! qui-gon jinn: woken up from coma by anakin using the force like it's his livejournal c. 2002. without using a cut. has no idea what's been going on for the last decade. politely baffled. jocasta nu: is going to hunt darth tyranus for sport on eriadu. they allow that sort of thing there. darth tyranus: regretting several key life choices, most recently deciding to mind-probe araithana. currently dealing with 1) being shown how he dies, 2) being forcibly reminded of That Murder, 3) thinking his current guest-hostage also has visions. araithana pallopides: nebulous hostage, claimed as guest. moved all the moveable furniture in darth tyranus's geonosian tower by 3cm to the left and back. also regretting darth tyranus's life choices. unknowingly repeating sifo-dyas's exact last words before That Murder. and prom the geonosis accord meeting is tomorrow!

i'm going to go back to writing between the ice crypt trip and introducing anakin skywalker to pre-republic plays with a droid chorus, which concludes with:

The Chorus continues as a harried Knight Kenobi arrives and is promptly bullied into playing the Indrexu to Skywalker’s Xim, my Oziaf, and Aayla’s Xer, much to Master Windu’s sly amusement. By the end of our recitation, Aayla has decided that Xer is now haunting the play by heckling the patricidal Xim through mispronouncing his name on purpose, there’s an audience of nearly two dozen people, Master Windu has vanished back to his duties, and Betsy has never missed a line.

betsy (the chorus) is a b1 commander droid confiscated after the battle of naboo. betsy does not have a preferred gender other than 'it', has been reprogrammed by the temple's research and development department, and is now subject to many experiments to see how capable of learning it is.

#keeping up with the skywalkers #the star wars isekai fic #for fic accountability #i have now rewritten the kamino-geonosis parts three times! #it was one of the first pieces i did for this story and i had about 25% knowledge of everything that led up to this point #then i rewrote it a few months later #and now i'm doing this version after writing somewhere around 70 000 words in this universe #because my brain decided 'yes we wrote happy ice crypt trip now time for 5000 words of PAIN' #i blame the 2-hour long incident of BURNING IN MY OESOPHAGUS caused by my sertraline

[sunthroughtherust]

tell me more about blame! bc i tried ten chapters and struggled to get into it but your take on it in the tags have made me curious to try it again

It's a manga about stairs

Ok that’s (kind of not really) a joke, but seriously don’t read it expecting a character or plot heavy story. The characters are basically just vehicles for the readers to experience the world and the plot exists…. Sometimes….. In its own way….. On its own schedule…….

The main draw for most readers (including myself) is the gigantic megastructure. In story humans created the megastructure and controlled it in the netsphere with their net terminal gene, a gene only humans had, but something happened and the gene began disappearing and humans started being hunted by the safeguards of the megastructure. Most of the places kyrii walks through are enormous but empty and ragged and old every room is so old and run down, but fun and interesting in a way. someone on tumblr once described the megastructure as like a forbidden playground not built for humans and i have to agree, every panel i see i just want to climb inside and explore. that’s kind of the fantasy for me, being able to walk around with no one else around me as i explore a long ago--maybe never even lived in-- abandoned city.

I will admit the plot leaves a lot to be desired especially whenever nihei writes like…. Explicit worldbuilding, at some point alternate dimensions came up so a character could body-hop into their own body again and it was…. Confusing. So much of the plot and miniplots and arcs are very confusing which can lose the gravity the series tries to go for, but honestly i find it funny in a very engaging way.

As much as i said the characters are just vehicles for the world, it would be better to say that nihei simply doesn’t want the story to be character-focused because he cares more about the architecture. the characters are plenty interesting but the story just doesn't make a habit of caring for their emotions. For example cibo once had to come face to face with an atrocity she caused and then it was never brought up again (but we stand an unethical girlboss scientist). Sanakan had a very in-the-background arc about becoming more human and essentially learning to love. Honestly love is such an important aspect to all of the characters in the series even if it doesn’t seem obvious at first and it's so human in so many ways despite only a few ‘real’ humans appearing in the series. Anyway im just rambling now, but basically nihei just writers things and it's up to the reader to accidentally stumble upon an obsession

ok that was a lot and i don’t know if i even explained the draw of the series, but if you really want to try and get into blame! i’d really watch the 2017 movie before attempting to read the manga again. It's a pretty watered down version of the actual story (since it actually went for a plot rather than just focusing on architecture lol) and it follows one of the arcs with people in them. Also you get a better understanding of the backstory which will give you more of a reason to stay with the manga. At least that was my experience with watching the movie without any prior knowledge of the manga and immediately being like MOAR!!

The only thing i have to say is that the 3d animated movie ‘cutiefied’ the characters too much in a way that i felt took away from the grittiness of the setting, but that’s personal opinion. Another personal opinion is that you should watch the movie simply for cibo’s introduction sequence because holograms being mistaken for ghosts fucking rock

#seriously cibo's introduction fundamentally altered my brain chemistry and my own personal creative writing forever #that said blame! just might not be a series you'll be able to get into since you seem to prefer character centric stories and that's fine #i'd definitely give the movie a watch because i actually do think it sums up the manga well although it made kyrii cooler than he is #believe me he's a flop boy in the manga #blame! #thank you for asking btw! i hope you get something out of this lmao #the main draw really is just how open everything is whether that be the megastructure itself or the writing choices #there's a lot of reading between the lines and it's fun to hear other people's opinions and what they chose to focus on

[friendofthecrows]

Wish I had more of that stereotypical "refined genius psychopath mystery villain" vibes and less "dysfunctional no sleep cycle can't tell when/if they have emotions traumatized mess doesn't feel like a human paranoid future true crime psychopath" vibes. So that was word salad. Moving on.

#i have been described as a genius but unfortunately the #aspd and other mental illnesses mess with my impulse control and risk vs return and energy/motivation levels #so it kind of gets in the way of showing off my intelligence most of the time #which probably makes me less insufferable but also leads to some people underestimating me #or just thinking of me as too much of a mess in general #both of which i hate #and when it comes to the 'coolness/sophistication factor' vs 'unfortunate creature that needs to stop interacting with humans vibe' well. #trust me i would go into seclusion for the rest of time if it was financially viable and if #my various projects didn't require working with other people #ugh I'm not really that upset today I'm just frustrated by my brain #also my body and other people and the universe and the concept of time but that's a whole different subject #sometimes the stars align and it's like the best aspects of everything 'wrong' with me are displaying at once #and i actually feel like myself and like myself #then something shifts idk but the worse things start showing again and the best bits lose some of their influence and #suddenly I'm struggling to get through a day with a decent level of functionality and without engaging in destructive behaviors #the AND is very important because i can usually do or. At least i have that i guess #today i don't feel like a person i feel like a poorly written character who's been brought into real life #only to find out that when faced with normal everyday problems #their fucked up little traits are way more of a disadvantage than they thought #i could probably blame it on the trauma or the aspd or a million other things #but maybe it's just because i am the person i am #and idk how to feel about that #just want the stars to align again

[running-in-the-dark]

I guess it just feels like I'm stuck in a cage made entirely by my own thoughts. that sounds so dramatic but it does feel like that.

like, it's not just that I'm scared of things so everything is kind of hard. it's that there's many, many things I would like to do or at least try, but I can't make myself do them. not 'oh this is a bit difficult so I'm afraid to try', no, it's not. an option. there's no path from 'want to do this' to 'I'm doing this'. I can't convince myself to do it. there's no tricks or anything. my brain, the useless thing that I need to do literally everything, doesn't allow it.

#sometimes there's moments where I'm so impulsive that I can get past it by being so quick that there's no time to put up the walls #but even then. doing the thing feels like torture 99% of the time. it's not like I get to enjoy it. #I don't know how to explain that without sounding like I just feel sorry for myself and like I don't want to get better #because that's all I want #but getting better depends entirely on this stupid brain. like I don't know how else to explain it? how can I do something if that thing #won't allow it? #yes it's like it is a separate thing and I'm not involved in what it does most of the time. is that also not normal? probably #there's no comfort zone there's only a prison that I've been stuck in all my life and no matter what I've tried it's not enough to get out #and everyone blames me for not trying hard enough and that gets added to the infinite list of reasons why I'm just bad #just do this! just do it anyway! just do it scared! just just just #Idk. I just need to stop overthinking! that'll fix everything! if only that was an option! I could get drunk every day or try drugs I guess. #but the drinking thing didn't make anything better last time. #fuck I just want to stop trying. isn't it ever going to be enough? when do I get to start being an actual person? I just want to feel real #and that's enough emo bullshit for today and for this week and this month and probably this century

[corfisers]

on the one hand getting a diagnosis and medication if needed probably would make my life somewhat easier, on the other hand there's something really funny about going "yeah something's wrong. fuck if i know what exactly"

#it's not like i can afford it + i'm managing so like. whatever #blaming everything on adhd because it's the one thing i'm confident about. well depression too ig #sometimes i'd complain to a friend about getting jumpscared by my brain making A Loud Noise for example #and get ???????? reaction and realize that it's not the “”normal“” experience #that happens more often than i'd like to admit #benvey tag

[mattodore]

fell asleep at my desk (!) while in blender working on the poses i need for the edits i want to do for matthias and imani... think i might be a little too absorbed in this edit idea lads

#river dipping #stayed up all night and fell asleep in the world's most uncomfortable position for WHAT? imaginary guys in my head. pixels on my screen. #the last thing i did before falling asleep was draft a post abt how it was six am and i'd only just finished the second set of poses lmaooo #well.......... because i feel bad i didn't manage to finish doing everything i wanted all in one day i'll make up for this #by instead posting the bloody matthias pics bc i did finish that a while ago but was so focused on cas and blender i didn't post them #...also i just noticed i have messages and stuff too i'm sawrryyyy i can't even blame the avpd this time #like the delayed response is just bc i'm being flayed alive by Creative Visions while my ocs point and laugh it's embarazzing #a two sim pose ended up turning into four sims + an alt version somehow........ #it sounds crazy how long this has taken me but i had to make two children then two 15-16 year olds then two 18-19 year olds in cas #and i had to fix some cc so i could use it on the kids and the teens #and then i spent at least an hour or two downloading cc for their boarding school #and i needed to find a car imani could use for the last pose that has a decent sized window in the back #like i've been all over the place !!!!!! it's like i'm possessed i have such a clear vision of these three images in my head #like i just have to see it through. the lack of sleep is definitely getting to me tho................ i should probably lay down fr soon #my brain is a prison etc. etc. etc. #i'll play catch up before i go to sleep tho bc i really have been offline all day toiling over ideas

[coffeeworldsasaki]

Once again chanting in my mind "graphic card" to avoid snapping at my mother saying dumb shit

#how do you always get to the wrong conclusion of everything oh my godddddd #yeah yeah a lot is wrong with doctors like a fucking lot I'm well aware I've suffered huge amount of pains for years for that #but she says it from a novax point of view so she's still wrong by saying the right thing and it annoys me so much! #obviously she's too fucking fatphobic to see how that is one of the biggest issues in medicine #fun fact my father is not taking meds to heal from something that could actually kill him because it stops him from eating #that's apparently okay but vaccines aren't #someone should study their brains under a microscope #also my father problem was probably caused by the extreme diet he did that was mostly starvation #at least i feel better about myself #sometimes i get very depressed about all the things I'll never be able to do because i fucked my wrist at 18 but at least i did that #crocheting #he completely destroyed his health to lose weight #also even more fun thing he wanted to lose weight for reasons that didn't have anything to do with the weight he probably just can't eat #grains #he got better as soon as he stopped eating normal pasta and switched to the fake ones made with rice and stuff #they didn't connect the dot #but the second i thin person started to have issues breathing #that are definitely side effects of covid btw #grains were immediately blamed #god i shouldn't get into these rants because i just get mad at their stupidity AND I NEED TO STAY CALM FOR THE GRAPHIC CARD #and especially not build enough represed rage about it to risk trying to choke my mother the next time she says it's fine i lost all that #weight #sure it's fine losing weight because of illness and depression is fucking wonderful #i have to fight with myself most days to eat enough but sure that's fine I'm staying thin!

[holyluvr]

put my glasses on because the weed guy was here, looked at my phone, had to fix sooo many errors in language on that tangent.

#… #you know what’s weird tho that I noticed? my vision is less saturated(?) with glasses on and idk why. #I can see better and further away and anything circular is easier to differentiate. #but the color changes to seem like a grey film was added or everything was muted when it’s clearer☠️ #It’s not these specific glasses to blame because I noticed 3 pairs of glasses ago #idk if it’s one of the. uh…medical speak for protective barriers against types of light or anti-reflective lenses or My Brain

[meringuejellyfish]

i need to rewind time and see this movie on a theater screen again 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭g

#theaters arent a good environment for me so im actually not that upset that i dont have the money to see this movie twice in theaters #but #sniffle #sleeping was so hard last night everything in my head was extra loud i partially blame theater previews/adverts for frying my brain #this is a movie that im like okay hold on i GOTTA watch this again. #very strange sense of sadness when the movie was over i was like no .... no !!!!! not because of it ending on a cliffhanger entirely #just like agh .....!!!!!!!!!!! i need to watch it again and take in all in x2

[cherrysnax]

I once heard that dreaming about someone constantly means that they’re thinking about you. Maybe these people miss you too?

kneejerk reaction is that I hope they’re not thinking of me tbh

#is that the truth? I’m not too sure. I just think it’s be easier to be okay with the concept of everyone forgetting me forever than to sit #with the mortifying possibility of being known and remembered #I don’t remember my hs self fondly so I don’t see why anyone else would yknow #I was already kinda convinced everybody hated me before I vanished so I guess. if ppl are thinking about me it’s negative #it’s scarier if it isn’t lmaoo #I don’t know what’s wrong with me #but yeah I don’t think it works like that nonnie or at the very least I hope it doesn’t <3 #I think I’m just a weird guy whose brain is trying to hold on to idealized memories of the past because he’s afraid of growing up #n wishes they had the insight they do now back then. if I had known I was a nb lesbian dealing w massive comp het #if I had known abt the bpd I could’ve realized that I split on ppl and myself #i was so excited to have friends and be cared about man #I hate that little guy I was but I don’t blame them for being stupid and not understanding shit. I wish I could slap my younger self on the #back of the head and be like “’be normal dumbass ur friends like you’’ #I uhh often focus on hurting myself more than not hurting the people around me and it was rlly bad back then #asks #nonnie #this is all to say that I think that the constant feeling of instability and academic stress is causing me to subconsciously wish for the #the days I perceive as being easier. it’s a mishmash of real events and things that possibly could’ve been if I was normal #I believe I want a feeling of control or something? idk. idk that contradicts everything #dreams are just dreams. I’m probably just regretting how much of senior year I lost and that’s it

[sentofight]

ooc. perhaps it is time i should try p/ersona 5 crossover in another eden sdlfkjsdlfkjs ok. i've been pushing it until i finish the t/ales ones but welp. i did finish one but still have not maxed y/uri and velvet. and the next one got the arise cast and i haven't played it yet. k me. so was considering c/rono cross but kid can wait a little bit haha. or not. will see if my phone wont flip on me for abusing it for a while.

#ooc.| faty speaks #[wish my laptop can boot b/luestacks without dying then my phone can be saved but hey..we cant have all the nice things #[anyway a/ldo will get more cat friends hurray #[im laughing at the pi/xiv art section for //a//nother eden where i saw #[plenty of arts of p/5 protag swap with a/ldo and m/organa and varou haha #[after i finish getting some equipment and stuff in trails ready for the next mission waaa #[man i love ke/vin so much...sigh... #[dumdum priest man #[listen. slides cash. someone write him. #[i cant do all the work here. #[im this 🤏 adding muses because my brain says u can #[BUT DRAFTS BITCH WRITE THEM FIRST BITCH!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #[anyway as per usual lets blame wars for everything~ #[back to clearing asks after i finish trails ...or a/nother eden..wow um...multi task lets go