#because i dont want to fuck up all my hard work for people i dont really know when a professional is out there and would know what to say

[ibeewashere]

I genuinely cannot describe how deeply DEVASTATED I am about riz being the only one who can take stress tokens for the others. Yes fig is a protector and will fight endlessly for her friends and I love that about her but there is something about the way riz loves his friends. It’s a more subtle kind of love, but just as relentless and passionate and he will take any burden for the people he cares about and bear the weight of it on his shoulders so they don’t have to deal with it without any hesitation. I am ILL.

#the way that murph immediately volunteered to take a stress token for Kristen without skipping a beat #AND THEN HE TOOK A FUCKING SECOND ONE WHEN THEY STILL ROLLED BAD #something something you will dig until your own hands are bleeding something something #god that quote still haunts me I will never stop thinking about it I swear to god #he works so hard #and he doesn’t ever ask for any recognition or anything in return because just helping is enough #making sure the people he loves are okay is enough for him #this stupid little goblin man makes me want to throw up /pos #he just cares so deeply for everyone around him #i love him so dearly #my silly little fella #dimension 20 #fantasy high #d20 #riz gukgak #fantasy high junior year #OH AND DONT FUCKING THINK FOR A SECOND THAT IM NOT GONNA TALKING ABOUT GORGUG MOTHERFUCKING THISTLESPRING. BECAUSE THIS BITCH /aff #he’s going to have so many stress tokens by the end of this it’s so unfunny and it is making me unwell #I just. I just want them all to be okay and happy and not stressed and GODS they all need a fucking hug #they’re all traumatized and stressed and stupid and silly and I love them all so so much #eats them #puts them in a blender #throws them into a washing machine and watches them spin around #sobs violently #I’m so ill about them #sorry for the rant #i will be back #and I will talk more I’m not actually sorry that’s mb #the tags are like a whole ass paragraph of text but that’s okay #i just think they're neat

[lollytea]

I get to write Willow and Amitys weird awkward friendship in this fic I'm so excited!!!

#its hard being both a willow lover and an amity liker #i LOVE to talk about how amity deeply affected willow's life for the worse #but i also love to talk about how amity has to live with that truth for the rest of her life #i love how amity continues to try because she loves willow #tries too hard even #i love how amity STILL continues to fuck it all up because shes so painfully awkward and guilty #and shes so busy trying to preserve a friendship that died years ago that she doesnt realize that she should be aiming to build a new one #because this is NOT the same girl that she knew #i love that amity still means so much to willow that she cant bring herself to get confrontational over the obvious infantilization #i love that willow is trying so hard too because she wants this to work out so badly #and she cant even admit to herself that this idealized friendship shes wanted back for YEARS is not everything she hoped it would be #i love both girls so much #it used to be a real struggle to talk about this because somebody with a hate bias towards amity always wants to chime in #and like okay fine sure you can hate whatever character you want im not gonna shame you for it #i just dont WANT to discuss one of my my favourite dynamics with people who hate one of the characters yknow? #theyre two teenage girls who love each other and theyre struggling to love each other properly but they want to #I LOVE THEM!!!

[worldsquietestjojosfan]

wait so ok hypothetically i decided to model unclean realm in three.js no good reason

what do i need? rocky terrain. rocky mountain, military gates. Siheyuan style house somewhere, and then?

thats for like a low accuracy first draft. thats what it looks like right?

im kinda confused

are those outpost towers? they kinda look like it but kinda not. what is that?

im really not understanding whats going on over here. what is this layout?

there seems to be a good amount of foliage

is it really that much? i remember more rocks there. but also thats untamed concept art.

that and i dont remember shit

so my plan right now is to use models from online. either buy or free ones. and then as i start refining the area, ill start learning how to make my own for the specifics

and the aim is to go for as much realistic lighting/shading i can manage. i should aim for cartoon but i really dont know the fundamentals of light and color enough to stylize. making shaders or whatever shouldnt be too bad

#i wont run away from artistic endeavors i wont run away from artistic endeavors i wont run away from artistic endeavors #i was making a sv game but i quit because i finished the coding part but i had to animate. i ran away like a BITCH #to my defense animation is REALLY hard #im thinking. game modding right? #so i have all the g*nshin impact character models on my computer #hmmmmmmmm. unity blew up my last computer. like dead ass blew it up. also didnt they have a scandal #some thing something fuck indie game devs something #i dont know blender #ok so. three.js first. starting baby steps never hurt anyone. #especially when you dont know a single technology youre working with #i want to do it. for now. i hope i stay inspired #some words #edit: i opened blender. can i give up #Someone save me please #i want someone to hold my hand #i want to make it and i want to try something new. but i have to tttuuuqgiawua #crying aside im looking at mdzs maps people have made #is qinghe really near shanxi province? #ill have to look around a bit #im hoping i can rip out a model from a satelite image for like google earth or something #im gonna do it no matter what. at least ill make a shitty version #i can totally try. i got this

[astrogenica]

people claim to understand that progress isn't linear and recovery can take a long time until it becomes personally inconvenient to them and then you're just a stupid lazy bastard to them no matter how you behaved before you became outwardly sick or how hard you've been trying to get better. and i will be mad about that forever

#text post #vent #venting #vent post #chronic illness #mental illness #progress is not linear #recovery takes time #ive only been diagnosed and trying treatments for my autoimmune disease for 1yr #ive been sick for closer to 5 #i just got covid for the second time in january and its fucked up all the progress #that i was making #and now rather than try to support me through a major setback #everyone is acting like i just dont have my shut together and im not trying #meanwhile i am doing my best to keep up when walking a single flight of stairs is still hard for me #and there are very few people who meaningfully recognize how hard this is for me #i used to work three jobs while going to school full time seeing my family frequently #AND having a social life and maintaining my ltr #now im married yeah but i only do one wfm full time job barely engage with my hobbies #see my family and friends infrequently and tbh barely leave my house #and its not for any lack of wanting to #its because i CANT #and even fewer people are making am efforts to accommodate me #so i force myself to occasionally go out and see people #and then need to recover for two weeks #and they dont even appreciate how HARD it is #so much of the effort disabled put into their interactions with abled or just differently #disabled loved ones goes completely unnoticed because its expected as the bare minimum another can do #but rhe bare minimum to them is the absolute best you yourself can give #and nobody cares

[bo0zey]

Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening

OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.

sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.

i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .

#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol #anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol #i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious; #ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc #then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close. #next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go. #they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state #i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go. #like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away. #yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u #to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds #if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing. #my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left #in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself #22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world #i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too #i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like #i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this #situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it #ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming. #at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy #while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday #like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh. #i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare #and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth??? #truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin #when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!! #its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever #mcr #when will mcr return from the war

[baishouqijia]

i am desperately trying to be more active but i'm experiencing mental burnout. just want to say thank you for the interactions even when i'm only checking in here now and again - i'll respond when i'm feeling better! <3

#nothing really happened - work and the house just got on top of me. #for context i was promoted to a management position in october and i hit my stride so i have a lot of responsibilities and i'm hhh. #having to play catch up in terms of skillset. i'm good at my job but i'm not the best - therefore ? i must keep pushing :y #as for home... Man (horse.jpg) #we bought a house a year ago. i envy people who renovate days after moving in. we're a year in and i'm only just redoing the kitchen floor #after a leak that happened in JUNE 2022. it's expensive as fuck and takes so much time. #i'm so fortunate to be able to afford a house but like. i won't lie. it's really hard having to be responsible for everything that goes #wrong with it. my kitchen has been subfloor for months. we destroyed our kitchen island trying to make room for the floor to be done #so we're down storage and stuff is just piling up. eh i know this is like. first world problem and really not a big deal. #but when your house is in disrepair because you don't have the money to fix it quickly or time to do it yourself. shit's hard. #anyway this is a rant. don't want a wrench or a tissue- just wanna get it out. #[puts on pantalone hat] i have money anxiety too #like i earn the most i've ever earned. i won't really get much higher than this atm. i'm due a bonus and i can cash out my shares #but fixing up the house is so expensive. i'm worried i'm gonna lose it all somehow. idfk why. when things are going well i worry i'm gonna #lose it all somehow. growing up poor does a number on your resource guarding. if i spend a penny I Will Lose It All. #' dima why do you like pantalone so much ' HE JUST LIKE ME FRRRR #sry this is a ramble . i treat tumblr tags like my diary but i hope you enjoyed the read xoxox #anyways! point is! i'm alive! i'm itching to come back but i dont have the mental space for fun rn. #can't have fun until i feel safe enough to have fun if that makes sense. #aight byeee

[archirdarchernar]

.

#vent #tw vent #i feel like im going to explode #i cant bring myself to do anything so all this energy is just gathering and building up and i feel like im seconds away from exploding #i want human connection so fucking bad but im so fucked up no one would want to compromise a relationship with me #immersed myself in fiction so much i keep dreaming of having relationships that ill never have because most other people just Dont Work That #Way #all my relationships feel so shallow now #ig thats my fault #for never presenting the real version of myself. showing others caricatures and exaggerations of my character so i can be more likeable #ill never feel safe enough around anyone to drop the act. and even if i do ill feel too guilty to stop #ive doomed myself theres no fixing me #theres no motivation to do anything anymore i can barely get myself to lift a finger #hey why didnt anyone tell me just sitting up would be so hard. why didnt anyone tell me just drawing a few strokes would take most of my #energy #if anyone ripped my heart out right now id thank them for putting me out of my misery #theres nothing here. might as well also become nothing #this feeling is awful id prefer being hurt instead #i cant make it go away #someone please just kill me #arc 3am logs

[widevibratobitch]

aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol #anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly #but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size #acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years #and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating #(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive #when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time) #and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die. #and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well #and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom #and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao #like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is #anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus. #but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333 #god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by #but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr #anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help. #but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation. #i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.

[depresseddepot]

the way i try so SO hard to gain even a crumb of body neutrality only to then see some shit on twitter that remind me that oh yeah. a distinct portion of the population genuinely believes they are being discriminated against when they have to look at or be within 50 feet of a fat person

#the amount of times ive heard my skinny friends call themselves fat and disgusting to my face without considering the implications #i saw some tweet that just like. had a fat person in the video and ALL of the responses were men making fun of her #like. yes i realize my life would be so much better if i was born with a faster metabolism. thank you for reminding me #yes i realize i am not treated seriously because i am fat #that sort of incredulous look skinny people give you when you have the audacity to sit near them on the bus or ask for directions #like they're shocked you weren't some round thing that was in their sights for 2 seconds to make fun but disappeared #i am trying very hard not to let it get to me but when so many people seem to think the same thing it feels stupid #likei know i dont see people the way allosexuals do but are fat people really so disgusting that they feel like they can say shit like that #its so so frustrating #if i am going to die alone because of my own failings i can learn to accept that #but if i die alone because i can't find anybody that doesn't think fat people are worthless then what is the fucking point lmao #''people irl dont actually think that'' i cant count on 1 hand the amount of skinny people who have lamented about their weight to my face #someone brings in cookies to work and as im eating one someone skinny says ''well. i really don't need the extra calories so ill pass'' #someone skinny checking out diet/exercise books because they ''REALLY have to lose some weight'' #no they aren't talking about me/to me but how detached from your surroundings do you have to be to shit on yourself for your weight #like. even if i was skinny they're still talking about how gross and ugly they are around kids #''love your body and your self!!!1!!1'' okay then stop calling yourself disgusting regardless of how much you weigh. #you can think if if you want but god that 12 year old girl in line behind you is going to remember that forever #she is going to internalize ''oh okay. thats what a disgusting body looks like'' #andthen she'll grow up and hate herself and continue the fucking cycle #just stop. stop talking about your weight around kids. i dont need 60 yo women telling me they're gross when they weigh maybe 150 lbs #i know this is super unhealthy but i literally cannot wait until i can move out and isolate myself from society #because every second i try to engage with it is literal torture #yall are so mean for no reason #i dont really have much to live for #but it would be helpful if skinny people didn't constantly reiterate that there's no point to living if you aren't skinny #im so tired #vent

[gothhyrax]

.

#had our new hire no call no show so now instead of working a couple of days and then getting a day off i now work 5 days in a row #which sucks because my job is not the kinda job where you can work 5 days and feel sane but also i really need as much money as i can get #and i feel really emotionally deregulated and unstable plus my meds ran out and i havent had the time or energy to schedule my appointment #to get more....so that makes that even worse #i just feel ......not okay. its only day 1/5 and my body already aches and i just dont feel good. i wish i enjoyed life. i try to find #the joy and love in my mundane life but im always so tired and im always so drained and i deal with so many stupid people and its so hard to #want to be alive. its almost midnight and i wanted to go to bed 2 hours ago and im even in bed ready to sleep and just cant......because #i know i have to wake up and do it again tomorrow. fuck. its all so exhausting.

[lzrdprsn]

It's really weird when you know someone in a context different from how everybody else knows them so you look at them and you still kind of see that person they used to be

#this post is about the boy i dated my senior year who was so incredibly sweet tbh wouldnt be the person i am today if i hadnt met him #but he was so fucked up he had so many issues it was really hard so it didnt work out but i loved him and i think he loved me too #but hes in a moderately successful band now which i just found out about do i looked them up and theyre good #but its so weird because its like i know that when you were 17 you wanted to be an underwater welder #i helped you clean your room at your grandmas house because you were so sad you couldnt do it yourself #i ditched 5th period AP English to sit on the steps behind the auditorium and listen to you talk about whatever #you pushed me on the swings and we took the bus to the movie theater and you liked cherry wraps and you played me my favorite songs #i havent REALLY thought about that guy in years and we were only together MAYBE 6 months but its so weird what you remember about people #and especially how you remember how they made you feel because he made me feel so good like i was in control #all my previous relationships was me trying to desperately please someone who wouldnt do the same for me #and honestly a lot of my relationships since have been the same especially in college and with the one girl who honestly if she called me #today i would drop everything and go be with her again no questions because i cant get her out of my head #but stuff witj him was never ever like that it was so easy it was like breathing even though it ended messy i have 0 regrets #and its nice to know that things are going well for him because honestly he changed my life a little bit #the way i dont give a fuck now is something i learned from him #ill probably delete this later but you know

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to #place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like #LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee #so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of #people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take #a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM) #the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore #ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team #but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up #graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made #my adhd brain go WELL SHIT #ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do #love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving #people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt #but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel #amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou #life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i #just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive #but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present #and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now #on a positive note... #my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made #a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little #im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor #i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it #but damn it im tired #thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave #if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you #please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you

[glassphinix]

[ID: the “touching grass is not enough” meme of text over a flowery field that has been edited to read “touching grass is not enough, i need an update about the edge of sleep tv series.” end ID]

#the edge of sleep #teos #literally ive only listened to the first three episodes bc i struggle to find an excuse to listen to an audio drama #i dont really listen to podcasts. i turned on distractible while i was cleaning my aunts house cause it was good to have as background noise #but teos is a work of fiction it's a thriller/mystery/horror story that i want to give my undivided attention #and thats hard to do because my brain Refuses to stay on track if listening is all i'm doing #when i was into bmc i had to be reading the script while i listened to the audio bootleg or i wouldnt fucken stay concentrated #i only listened to it initially during a shift w a disability support worker bc we were driving and we had fuckall else to do #but 1. i dont always have the same worker and it feels rude to keep listening to a story halfway through with no context for them #and 2. from my understanding shit gets decidedly fucked up from ep 4 onward so its probably super not appropriate to listen to #in somebody elses fucking car #but i wanna finish it SO BAD i wanna be able to pour through the teos tag and talk about it with other people without getting spoiled #ive gotten spoiled on a Lotta shit just from reading the tvtropes page #auauufah im so torn between figuring out how to listen to it as a podcast or waiting for more info on the tv show #fellow autistic people do you ever do that thing where ur special interest is always some form of media but its prone to changing #so like every few months youre defined by a new fucking show or game or film or whatever #but Every So Often when ur between big interests u have a very short-lived (hours/days/week or two) but INTENSE obsession w something niche #yeah its like that #my brain is that little ms paint creature thing on all fours with pointy teeth and red eyes biting something in its mouth savagely #and the something is teos #internal monologue

[tiktaaliker]

i have this thing where sometimes i see a smooth surface (cgi is specifically bad for this) and some part of my brain goes. hey wouldnt it be fucked up if that was Flawlessly and Perfectly Smooth. and i go yeah that would be fucked up and proceed to have an anxiety attack over the concept of a really really really flat rock face or some shit like that

#howling #and then the other people in my brain MAKE FUN OF ME FOR IT #i dont get it either!!!! #like part of my obsession with deep water stems from a reoccurring. uh #it wasnt a nightmare or anything because i would be awake it was like. a vision. or hallucination i guess but idk if it was one for real #but it was like. a glass of water but the glass was perfectly smooth and the water was perfectly flat and didn't ripple #so all the sides were SUPER smooth #and it doesnt SOUND fucked up but the actual image itself was the scariest goddamn thing imaginable #i dont See It anymore (it used to be if i even THOUGHT about it it would show up) #but sometimes ill see something and i get the Water Glass Terror (tm) again without the actual water glass #all this to say that i watched the first episode of that ashoka show today #and in like the second scene she cuts holes in the ground with a lightsaber and it fucked me up a little bit #anyways the only reason why im sharing it is because there really isnt a pattern #on what smooth surfaces do or do not trigger the Water Glass Terror #and even then any given thing only works once #like even with cgi sometimes itll hit REALLY hard and other times? nothing #idk man im just still feeling it a little bit and want to get some of this shit off my chest #catch me oversharing on the oversharing webbed sight <3

[wormsdyke]

not to be dramatic but ooooohhhhh my god???? what???? what the fuck?????? can anyone hear me??????? what the fuck??????

#just like in general #but also. i'm. i'm sitting here trying to learn how to calculate population growth rate #my dad died. and im trying (and failing) to learn how to calculate population growth rate. my real life dad is dead and i'm doing homework #im sitting on the floor of the communal laundry room eating spaghetti out of tupperware trying to teach this to myself #and the only reason i have to teach it to myself is because i missed most of this class. because my dad died! #like???????? this feels unreal??????? #how am i supposed to do this. how am i supposed to just do this. #a week before he died almost exactly i walked for hours around the parking lot of my apt complex in the middle of the night #and then he died. really died. is not coming back died. and now im sitting here calculating population growth #this is not possible #what??????????? #how am i supposed to just pick everything back up and turn in all my late work? my fucking dad died! in pain! terribly! #grief isn't linear its a stealth sniper #um. oh my god. #i keep having this intrusive thought that i want to grab people by the shoulders and shake them and say isnt this insane? isnt this terribl #how could this have happened? isn't it terrible? isnt it hard to believe? #i feel like i want someone to look back at me shocked and say oh my god that is terrible it is hard to believe it is insane #so that i dont feel so insane. i dont know #i feel like im going to throw up my tupperware spaghetti #and then what? i keep doing overdue homework? #i go outside to throw up in the parking lot then i keep doing homework and in a bit i fold my laundry? how am i supposed to do that? #vent post #obviously #j. #tw: grief #orating!