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thedrunkenreadersreviews · 4 months

Text

A reaction to the Goodreads Choice Awards of 2023

Oh, the weather outside is frightful! At least where I live. No snow, but, man, is it cold. So, I am staying toasty with a little rose chocolate tea spiked with some nice peppermint schnapps to get into the holiday spirit because Lord knows I need to get jolly after this shit show.

*Sip, sip*

Anywho, the Goodreads Choice Awards winners have been announced for this year, and while I won't comment on every category because some I simply do not read, I will put in my two cents for any who care to know it about particular categories. I'll go through them one by one in the order in which they appear on Goodreads.

So, grab some nice tea and schnapps, put on those fuzzy socks, and let's get to it.

*Sip, sip*

Best Fiction - Yellowface by R. F. Kuang

In my humble opinion---as I assume that is what you are here for---the Goodreads Choice Awards has become a popularity contest. Now, I do not often read contemporary fiction so I cannot speak fully on this, but I will make one comment; I did not know or have heard of any of the other authors in this category. Just looking at the nominees, I knew without even having read the thing, "Pffft, Yellowface is going to win." Lo and behold.

*Sip, sip*

Now, it is very possible that Yellowface deserved to win. I know of R. F. Kuang's writing through the Poppy War trilogy, which is well crafted, to say the least. Having not read any of these books, I cannot be too harsh. It does twist my lips a bit, however, that this one was predictable without even having to read any of the books in that category, so that's how this "voting" process, I thought, was going to go.

And sometimes ... damn ... sometimes I hate being right.

*Sip, sip*

Romantsy - Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

*Sip, sip, sip, sip, sip, sip*

Oh, a full review of this book will be coming after the holiday season. As with all the others I mention. But this one winning compared to the others in the lineup ...?

We have Foxglove King, The Hurricane Wars, The Jasad Heir, and Assistant to the Villain!

I am in no way suggesting that if you enjoyed Fourth Wing that you are wrong. Having it win in this category with the other nominees feels almost like a worm burrowing beneath my blood if I think on it for too long. The book, I am sorry to say, is just not that great. The romance does not at all feel like romance, it feels like lust. If Goodreads really wants to put books that have "romance" in them that is not legitimate romance, they should create a "Spicy" category or something like that. I did not feel the devotion between the two leads in this book. I did not get the sense that they would do anything for each other, make tremendous sacrifices, or perform grand gestures. I fully believed they wanted to bone each other since they met, but that is all. Yarros, known for her romance books and not her fantasy ones until now since this is her first fantasy book, fails to capture this sense of not needing each other physically, but in all the other ways. I would not be upset if these two end up not being endgame by the conclusion of the series, that is how little I feel for them as a couple.

*Sip, sip*

Yes, I know it is the first book and that the relationship between the two can develop in future books. In that case, let that book, which presents their devotion, be nominated in this category. Not the starting point book.

Fantasy - Hell Bent by Leigh Bardugo

I will confess that I did not read Hell Bent and so I cannot speak to the winner. I did, however, read most of the nominees. Tress of the Emerald Sea is not Brandon Sanderson's best work, but it is not a bad book at all! A Day of Fallen Night ... well, I wasn't that big a fan of Priory either, so I guess it is understandable that I wasn't too entertained with this one.

V. E. Schwab is one of my all-time favorites as that woman has the ability to rip out my heart, stomp it into hardening cement, and shove it back into my chest just for me to come limping back, hands outstretched, begging for more. I still do not forgive some of her past cruelties and yet, I am not complaining. However, I understand why The Fragile Threads of Power did not win this round. Again, not a bad book by any means! I just get why it wasn't the winner. I am currently reading The Witch King, and I am devouring it!

But the one I was rooting for, the one I was hoping would win, even though I knew in my heart that it wouldn't was Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries. A review of that book will be posted shortly and perhaps then it will become clear why I was hoping it would win.

As for Leigh Bardugo, great job! Fantasy is the one category I feel might still maintain some creative integrity. But not always.

*Sip, sip*

Also, did anyone else notice that The Unmaking of June Farrow has an eerily similar title and font to The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer, so much so that I thought it was a spinoff series to the latter until I saw the author's name?

*Suspicious sip, sip*

Science Fiction - The Lives of Puppets by T. J. Klune

NO! NO!!! THE FERRYMAN HAS FAILED ME!!! Oh, I was so sure it had a chance! I believed in it ... until I saw the cartoonish cover that brought my thoughts immediately to The House in the Cerulean Sea and then I knew The Ferryman was doomed.

Of course, T. J. Klune would win. I knew it because, no, they are not a bad writer, but they are a resoundingly popular one. The House in the Cerulean Sea was everywhere, that cover art has become synonymous with T.J. Klune. Even if you don't read the synopsis or were aware that a new T.J. Klune book was coming out, you see that cover and you suddenly know without looking for the name, "Oh, a new T.J. Klune book is out." I am almost convinced that a nice chunk of the people who voted for this one didn't even read it. They saw the cover art, heard of House, and clicked "vote."

*Somber sip, sip*

Horror - Holly by Stephen King

I think it should be a rule that Stephen King's works can no longer be nominated (I'm joking). But the same issue still applies; you know the author, you vote for the author, and the lesser-known authors who may have written a horrific masterpiece do not stand a chance against the King.

*Shivering sip, sip*

Young Adult Fantasy & Science Fiction - Divine Rivals by Rebecca Ross

*Sip, sip, sip, sip*

Don't talk to me. Do NOT talk to me! I will not yield on this one! A Curse for True Love (it has its flaws, see my review of it, but still), Foxglove (fucking FOXGLOVE), THE STOLEN HEIR!

Let me say, even though ACfTL was not the masterpiece it could have been, my goodness, the magic in it, especially that finale! But I can excuse Curse not winning. Truly, I'm not that mad about it.

Foxglove?! FOXGLOVE?! Adalyn Grace has grown so much as an author! And Foxglove totally displays that. I was convinced about the whole main plot point until we got to that realization and it's like, I want Wisteria now! I hated and loved Fate the whole way through that damn book. But even that one, I can forgive.

*Sip, sip*

*Peeks from the rim of my cup, eyes caught in the glow of the flames from my hearth*

But ...

you have come after my child.

You have crawled from the depths of a black abyss and come to steal away my precious.

My love for the kingdom of Elfhame cannot be burned away by the fires of Mount Doom.

The dementors cannot steal it from my soul.

The White Walkers cannot freeze me enough to abandon it for the promise of warmth.

And even if I were to be turned to stone by Medusa's gaze my heart would continue to beat with devotion for the High King & Queen of Elfhame as well as all of the inhabitants of Elfhame!

*Sip, sip*

The Stolen Heir by Holly Black, in case you haven't figured it out, is who I was rooting for (review for that one to come around Christmas).

*Calming sip, sip*

Memoir & Autobiography - Woman in Me by Britney Spears

*Raises mug* Go off, Queen!

*Sip, sip*

History & Biography - The Wager (extended title) by David Grann

Surprisingly, I have no qualms with this category. This book was a banger! So was Killing the Witches and Pathogenesis (extended title). I recommend all three of these and was simply wishing one of them would win.

Victory screech!

*Sip, sip*

Now ... my biggest gripe with these choice awards ... where is the Middle Age & Children category? Where is the Graphic Novels, Comics, & Manga category? Where is Poetry?

I don't even read that much poetry, but I appreciate it as an art and believe it should be represented.

Graphic Novels, Comics, & Mangas ... like so many of those have genius writing and storytelling within them. The worlds are incredible and the art sometimes so amazingly compliments it! One of my favorite comic book writers is Al Ewing and one of my favorite artists is Lee Garbet, and when the two of them worked together, it was outstanding! The art and the story went hand in hand so well, it was as if it all came from one mind. They deserve to be acknowledged, even if it is one person doing both.

And manga ... some of the most intricate universes, complex worlds, and ingenious magic systems are created in mangas. One of my all-time favorite stories ever told is Fullmetal Alchemist. Every single detail matters in that story, and it was heartbreaking, and hysterical, and action-packed, and touching all at once!

But to strip away Middle Grade and Children? You might as well discourage kids from reading. It was when I saw that these categories were removed to make room for "romantsy" that I knew this is a popularity contest. It has been for a while. But those in middle school and younger, they probably don't have a Goodreads account, they probably aren't voting.

But they might be looking.

And teachers, and parents. They're still here. And some of them want kids to read.

*Sip, sip*

In conclusion, I don't really believe the choice awards hold that much merit anymore. I couldn't care less if a book was a nominee or a winner when deciding if I should read it. To be fair, I never really did. But I would encourage others who are wandering into the culture of Goodreads and documenting their reading that just because the book is a trend and popular and is a Goodreads choice award "winner" or "nominee" does not mean that the book is good.

It might be mediocre.

*Sip, sip*

Well, I won't take up any more of your time. Reviews for the books I mentioned will be posted in time. If you would like a review for a book in particular, do not hesitate to tell me what it is.

Stay warm, keep calm, and always have a good evening.

Cheers.

*Festive sip, sip*

#books #goodreads #goodreads choice awards #the stolen heir #a curse for true love #foxglove #fourth wing #hell bent #fullmetal alchemist #manga #comics #graphic novel #poetry

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its-ares · 2 years

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Coming clean // j.b

contents: Jon Bernthal x Male Reader

"A warm welcome to Jon Bernthal," calls the host and claps along with the audience. Jon comes on stage with a smile and waves to the audience. The presenter approaches him and greets the actor with a big smile and a hug.

"Nice to have you here Jon. I'll be honest, I've been looking forward to you coming to my show all week," says the host with a nice smile and Jon feels relaxed about it. He sits down on the yellow armchair and makes himself comfortable. The audience is still clapping. Jon smiles widely and puts his hand on his heart. "Thank you very much for the nice reception, I'm also very happy to be here," laughs Jon and turns slightly to the presenter, who has taken a seat in the other chair.

"So Jon, how were you feeling? I can't even begin to imagine how hectic the last few days and weeks have been for you," the moderator says with compassion. Jon nods and licks his lips. “Yes, the last time has been really exhausting and nerve-wracking. Every day so many people wanted something from me, my cell phone really rang from morning to night until I finally turned it off. In the long run, my ringtone really upset me,” the actor grins and the audience can't help but laugh too.

The host nods in understanding and gives him an encouraging smile, so Jon continues. "But aside from all the hustle and bustle, I, we are fine. In the beginning it was very, how should I put it, weird. Does it make sense? Suddenly everyone knew and really everyone wants to add their two cents and supposedly everyone always knows something, but over time it has gotten better. But that took a while, so for us as a couple it was a completely different number,” explains Jon and takes a sip of his water.

The host listened to him carefully and didn't even interrupt him, which doesn't happen often. “Wow, that all sounds pretty harsh. And how did your partner react to the fact that everyone suddenly knew about you? That must have been pretty exhausting for him, too,” she says, sounding genuinely interested.

Jon nods and takes a deep breath. "Yeah, it wasn't easy for him either. He was also bombed from all sides. He got an incredible amount of hate messages. He also kept it to himself for a long time about the messages because he didn't want to stress me out any more. I noticed what was going on, but he hid it really well from me, but then my ex-wife said something along those lines and we sat down and he told me about it and I was really shocked What kind of messages he got there, wow,” says Jon and you can see his anger.

The host and the audience look shocked. She shakes her head says „Incredibly these people, ha!“

But then she blushes a little. Jon laughs at this and raises an eyebrow. "What?" he asks, laughing. She laughs and mumbles in embarrassment, "I'm embarrassed now." Jon grins and slides further forward in the chair.

"Well, tell me, now I want to know," he smiles. The audience laughs and everyone calls in for her to say it. "Alright, alright. So, you now have a partner. You were previously married to Erin, with whom you also have children. You got divorced a year ago…” she falters.

Jon nods. "Yes, that's right. Erin and I divorced a year ago and I have a partner, my boyfriend M/N. I've always known that I like men too. Erin knew it from the start, too. Many people asked in the comments if I cheated on her, I didn't. I wanted to make that clear. I met my boyfriend, I think three years ago. I went to dinner with Erin and other friends at the time and M/N came along too. He just moved here and was invited by a mutual friend. We got along well from the start. And over time we fell in love. Erin and I have also been separated for a long time, we realized that we weren't really a couple anymore but more like friends. We then amicably separated and she was pretty smart and noticed that I felt something for M/N. She was happy for me and then wanted to set us up and sent us on the weirdest dates. Once we were in a restaurant where you couldn't talk. I have no idea what she was thinking, we really sat there like idiots for two hours. When we were done we went out and laughed“, Jon laughs and leans back a bit in the chair.

The audience laughs too. They shout something in, which makes Jon grin. The host wipes the tears from her eyes. "Oh my God," she laughs and can't stop herself. "Phew. How did she come up with the idea of sending you there?”, she asks laughing and Jon gets in again. "I have no idea, honestly. I asked her about it after the date. At first she didn't understand why I was asking that until she noticed it herself. Then she had to laugh at herself."

"Jon, thank you for your candor today. I wish you and M/N all the best and hope that you can now recover a little from the stress," says the presenter and smiles. Jon nods and puts one hand to his heart. “I have to thank you for the nice conversation and thanks to the great audience. I thought long and hard about coming today. Actually, I don't owe anyone an answer about my private life, but I wanted to clarify a few things once and for all." He gets up and the host hugs him.

She says goodbye to Jon and he waves goodbye to the audience. He goes backstage where M/N is waiting for him. His boyfriend grins broadly and hugs him. "I'm proud of you," he whispers in Jon's ear and kisses him. Jon just grins.

#ares fluffy works ☁️#jon bernthal x male reader #jon bernthal #x male reader #malexmale #male reader imagine

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saltymongoose · 2 years

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Hi Mongoose and Frog-anon! (Maybe I should just take up an identity now lol. Maybe Spectre-anon? I don't remember if anyone got that one. 8s) It's so funny that you started talking about who would have seen Batter's other side. I was thinking about this last night too! The situation with Jeb feels so spot-on, Mongoose! The Phobos one feels so true- just- oh man- if HE could see Batter's other side. I support it so much, haha.

If I could add my two cents on it, I definitely want to vouch for the Employers not seeing it. If they knew, they'd probably wouldn't have let Batter stick nearly as close to the Player. Their arrogance and dismissal of Batter prevents them from seeing it for a long time after, if at all. I kinda think of it as a Dedan situation. Hank is in the same boat, but even if he does see it, he doesn't comment on it. Batter could look like anything, and Hank doesn't care. Hank will only prove: he is better in every way-- especially in the threatening department.

San and Dei are grouped with Phobos, seeing the flickers. They can't explain it neither, just that SOMETIMES it's there. Asking the Player doesn't help much, since the response to seeing the weirdness is "oh yeah, it's fine," or "he's always been like that." They slightly relax at this, but will subtly pull the Player away from Batter when the flickering gets more active. It just puts them on edge.

2B isn't around Batter often to see it, what with frequently staying behind at the base and not wanting to interact more than necessary. He tries to scrutinize Batter for the anomalies in-person and via footage, after being warned by San and Dei. There is something off(//shot) … but 2B begrudgingly hasn't acquired concrete proof. It's a bit of a blow to the individual whose specialties relate to intel and observation.

Jebus sees it, and he's in the same situation as the Player in being able to actually control how he perceives Batter. Jebus doesn't really have a preference how Batter appears, as long as Batter continues to prioritize "protecting the player" above all. (Well, maybe the normal side... Jebus doesn't like imagining that THING hovering around the Player when he's not around.)

Tricky definitely sees it and screams "DUCK!1!1!! :D." Enough said. Lmao.

That's it for now. I just wanted to get this out there. I have the urges to draw so much of this. >8O

"ayo, it's frog anon! speaking about bad batter, how'd the main 4 react to him? cause i think if they knew the guy can look like a giant monstrous lizard, they'd hold it over his head constantly about how the player would react so negatively and hate him once they found out that their "favorite" puppet was a monster capable of hurting them. that is until the player either goes "ah, lizard monster, very cool :]" or "yeah i knew, still think he's neat though" giving the batter more to gloat with" - Frog Anon 🐸

Both of these asks are pretty similar, so I decided to group them together, hope you guys don't mind! 😅 Also, I checked and it seems Spectre Anon isn't taken so you're good on that haha. :)

So for how the other grunts would react to The Batter's more monstrous form, I think that Spectre Anon is right in who would be more concerned about this situation. Beginning with Hank, he wouldn't really care about what form the Batter takes or why. His main focus is on how to make it known that he's better than your puppet in every way possible, not what his competition's appearance is. It doesn't matter if they're humanoid or monstrous, if they want your attention he's going to treat them as a threat either way. Plus, Hank has great faith in your intelligence; if you'd been controlling the Batter for so long, why the hell wouldn't you know about this other form of his? He just assumes you're aware of it and continues with his efforts for your favor.

(Under a cut again because wow there's a lot of characters here)

Sanford, Deimos, and Doc see it differently though. For the former, it worries them at first. Nevada's not exactly new to weird elements like this, but for one of your companions from another world, it's concerning. There was no explanation for the monster that they saw in the place of the Batter in those rare moments, and the fact that the flickers happened so rarely made them think he was intentionally trying to hide this side from you. It made them more protective, and they tried to separate you from him more often. When they managed to do that, Deimos would definitely be the one to make little jabs at the Batter for his appearance. Trying to sew the seeds of doubt in his mind about how rational it would be for someone like you to want to be with him, perhaps even threatening to "reveal" this supposed secret of his. Sanford does the same in a way, but he hints at how disdainful your puppets "dishonesty" is, as if he were able to turn into a weird crocodilian thing it'd be one of the first things he told you. (Surprisingly enough, Hank also joins in on some of this but he doesn't leverage anything about your approval in it, it's literally just insults lol.)

Although it frustrates them greatly when the Batter has no reaction to their taunts or suspicion. Honestly, he doesn't care about their opinions; he has you already so what's the point in listening? It's not like those impure beings know him anyway, and the only person whose input actually matters to him is you. Deimos and Sanford wonder why it has no effect, but the answer would come after they finally managed to pry him from your side just long enough to tell you about his strange form. But instead of being surprised (or scared, for that matter) you're just like "oh, you see him that way sometimes? That's interesting. Kinda cool, isn't it?"

(And despite your nonchalant reaction, it actually is kind of intriguing that they see the Batter's "Bad Batter" form. Because that only happens if you see the Batter as something of an enemy. The Batter always looks like himself either way, but the only time you saw this other viewpoint of him was with the Judge's ending so you know something's going on. It seems the boys disliked him more than you thought.)

2B's suspicion of your puppet only increases with the form. He's not around you and the Batter enough to tell for certain what's going on, and his own attempts and investigation fell flat. While he'd loathe asking the others for help on matters concerning you (since they usually get defensive or suspicious of what he's planning on doing), he'll have to do so here, which irks him. But once he finds out that he wasn't just imagining things and that there really is something off (ahaha) with the Batter, it just makes him more wary.

To Doc, it doesn't matter if you're aware of its existence, just the fact that he has the capability of becoming that thing is unnerving. Surely something of that stature would have its own instincts and impulses? What if the Batter lacked his usual self-restraint with you around? What if he hurt you? It'd be easy to do with teeth like that, and even easier to overpower you if you resisted. Your safety is Doc's first priority, so he'll try to work with San and Dei to separate you as much as possible when these "flickers" start happening more often. Though he can't stop his lip from curling in disgust when he sees it. How weren't you even the slightest bit unsettled?

Moving on to Jeb and the Employers, Jeb's in a similar boat to Hank in not really caring about what form the Batter takes. However, he has a bit more control over how he sees him. Unlike the main four, Jeb feels less animosity towards your puppet, something that's reciprocated (a little, but still). This means that the flickers happen very rarely, so much so that he didn't even really notice the Batter could look different until you actually mentioned it. But any reservations he has against your puppet are removed by your reassurance, so he doesn't have much of an opinion. (At least not openly.)

The Employers also don't care, but they aren't given the chance to because of their own dismissal of the Batter as a legitimate threat to them. He's annoying; a mere pest to be rid of, but he isn't worth consideration beyond that. As such, he was never a monster to them. Besides, the Auditor is the embodiment of a "portal to hell", and all of them could be considered monsters in their own right, so it'd be hypocritical for them to think that anyway. Then again, it's not like they cared about that in matters concerning you anyway haha.

Finally, Tricky would probably just agree with whatever your interpretation is, and his opinion on threats to your love is generally the same across the board. Essentially, he'd think the Batter's form is cool because hey, big strong things with sharp teeth are fun to fight! And he is going to try to fight the Batter because that's what he does with all of his rivals. He's not really worried about the Batter's other form because he plans on getting rid of him either way, Ducky or no. (And yes, he would totally yell something like that the moment he sees him lol).

#tw: yandere #meanwhile the batter's like: the opinions of the impure are worthless. this changes nothing. 😒#yet another short essay as an answer haha #also #shoutout to burntuakrisp for liking and rbing every single thing i've posted in my lifetime??#i got so many notifications dude lmao #thank you tho <3 :)#ask #i ❤️ anons #spectre anon #OFF tag #frog anon 🐸

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newtonsheffield · 2 years

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Idk about your comfort level with the topic so please feel free to ignore this but I just wanted to say I feel the same way about dating. It just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me, and I don’t want to put all this time and energy desperately looking for someone out of a societally-shaped fear of not being in a relationship. Have people told you things like “oh, you still have so much time, it’ll happen for you,” and “it’ll happen when you least expect it,” “you’ve got to put yourself out there more,” and if so, do you have a good response to that? I get told this all the time and I know they’re not coming from a malicious place but I’m tired of hearing it. Especially when I want to carve my happiness out of other things, and not spend my life feeling like I’m missing out.

Anyways, whether or not you answer (which of course is totally up to you), thank you for sharing that on here because it made me feel less alone. My thought process was basically if someone as cool as Molly thinks this way then maybe I’m not in the wrong and there’s some truth to that concept.

First of all, the fact that I would ever be considered cool is... concerning. I am the biggest dork you'll find.

So here's the thing, yeah people say that all the time. They can't seem to help themselves. Random friends of my Mum think it's coffee table conversation, and it's really uncomfortable. And It's a little disheartening and annoying because obviously, yeah, if it was an option I would want it, but it's not for me for whatever reason right now. I live in a small area and I'm just... not meeting people right now and honestly, I've sort of lost interest in the whole awful process of it all for it to come to nothing and that's fine. I'm focusing on myself.

Comparatively, my sister has known her husband since she was 20 and she was married at 23. So like... Yeah. There's that that people love comparing to.

I usually say this: "Yeah, I'm obviously in a really different point in my life than I thought I'd be when I was younger. I would have thought I'd be married by now but I also thought my husband would be Daniel Radcliffe."

But in all seriousness, I am at a different point in my life than I thought I'd be, and all the things I watched my sister grow up and do with her husband, I'm doing by myself. But I'm not going to stop myself from actually living my life, waiting for something that might never happen. I used to work with someone who didn't want to travel until she was married or get a dog before she was married and like, yeah, cool. But what if that doesn't happen?

Don't limit yourself that way.

I'm open to things if they happen, but I'm not seeking them out. I still have a pretty fulfilling life and here's the truth that we as human beings don't want to admit:

If you weren't enough for yourself, another person won't magically fix that.

Like I said, I'm not sure anyone should be taking life advice from me but that's my two cents

#molly irl

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askaborderline · 2 years

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My sister (25) always tells me to shut up when I’m trying to… talk! Like that’s it. I enjoy discourse after a movie, I appreciate a literary reference, I have silly jokes to make, or I would like to make it known that something is offensive (this is kinda lame I know). But. It’s my two cents (in the moments when I feel comfortable enough to share and speak up). She shuts me down all the time and always has done this since we were kids. I’ve never been allowed to take up space and be a person with a voice or thoughts of my own or opinions. She used to tell me what to be interested in as a kid, and if I didn’t play along she would shut me out. I couldn’t talk to my cousins because she manipulated them. “I would rather her not be mad” That’s what they told me when I broke down about how much it hurt as kids. // I always struggled with the way this upset me. It makes me so angry. Like, really, really fucking angry. I would never— even though she has gotten physical with me on more than numerous occasions (punching/kicking/pinching/smacking/scratching… One time she even thew me into a tree, repeatedly, after i got stuck in a swing we had hung from it). Anyway. I would never act on these thoughts but I have them. Violent ones about hurting her because!!!!!!!! I don’t know… I know it’s not a proportional reaction, but. Isn’t it? She’s made me feel so small and insignificant and she’s told me to my face, “you are a waste of space, a worthless soul, useless and pathetic”…..

I don’t know. I’m sorry for even coming to your blog with this nonsense I just really felt like I needed to share that with someone. I can’t really afford a therapist right now but at least it’s off my chest.

Hi anon,

First of all, this isn’t nonsense. Your sister is treating you terribly and your anger is so valid and understandable. You don’t deserve this at all.

I don’t want to put a label on this because it’s not my place but I think you might find some validation in the terms “sibling abuse” or “sibling violence”. Here’s some info on it. (Please note; I’m not trying to tell you how you should feel about this or what you should call it. I’m merely trying to offer validation and you aren’t alone.)

I’m sorry she has made you feel small and insignificant. I know I’m just an internet stranger but I promise she is wrong. She is so wrong.

I really hope that you’re able to be around her less, anon. Because you don’t deserve this.

#answered #tw sibling abuse #tw abuse #not trying to label this #but the tw are important for followers #tw violence #Mod April #AAB

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thelasttime · 8 months

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okay so the TL;DR is I’m thinking about buying Eras Tour London tickets for me and my… situationship (for lack of a better term)

full background: he has been my best friend for the last five years and we go through phases where the boundaries of our friendship are… blurry. I’m hopelessly in love with him but I’ve never really known how he feels about me, and it’s also complicated by the fact that even though I can’t shake my attachment to him, I know that even if he declared his love for me, it wouldn’t work because we don’t want the same things in a life partner, in our future, etc. fast forward to last month when my grandma dies and I find out she left me a surprisingly large sum of money. I’m going to be smart and use the VAST majority of it to pay off my student loans, make good investments, etc. but tbh I’ve had a really hard summer and feel like I deserve to treat myself a little and I’ve really wanted to go to London and while I was lucky enough to see Eras (in Nashville!) I had obstructed view nosebleeds and would love to see the show again with a better view. however, I don’t really want to go alone, and this male friend of mine was really sad he couldn’t get Eras tickets the first time around. BUT if I wanted to bring him with me to the London show, I would definitely have to pay his way.

major pro: he is definitely the biggest Swiftie in my life, and I want to go with someone who would bring the same Feral Swiftie energy as me (even my friends that I went with in Nash don’t love Taylor like he does). So I know we would have a really good time. And blurry boundaries aside, he’s been a really good and steadfast friend to me, and I would love to do something really nice for him to thank him for putting up with all of my grad school menty bs that I’ve had in the last two years.

obvious con: this is such fucking SIMP BEHAVIOR I feel like our Lord and Savior Greta Gerwig did not give us the Barbie movie just so I could spend my INHERITANCE on some MAN who doesn’t even have the balls to tell me how he really feels about me. when my friends find out what I’ve done they will CLOWN ME and I will DESERVE IT.

anyways sorry this was so long but would love your thoughts on whether or not I should do it aldjfkladjfdsa;paekr

oh lawrd 😭😭😭 gut is telling me no to be honest bestie ……….. note that i am incredibly jaded about situationships and having unrequited crushes on people who don’t deserve my love, but i can foresee a future where things Could Get Weird if anything happens and then you have this memory of eras tour with him in it … just my two cents but that’s also because i would rather bring a platonic bestie so we can plan our outfits and dance together wildly

#asks #asking you this*#anonymous

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lavander-yarn · 1 year

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3,12,14,15,17,30,33,36,37,40,45,46,47,48,49,51,52,53,54,57,60,61,64,66,71,73,74,89,90,94,95 👀🤭opps take your time 🥰🤗🦋💜🖤✨🐇

Wooooow hahaha

3. When is your birthday? June 27th 🦀

12. What was your last dream about? already answered 🥺 (ft. Crush, you know who)

14. Are you psychic in any way? yes I am, i have had profetic dreams but they become true months or years later, so I guess I have a psychic delay hahaha

15. Favorite song? Oooh this is a hard question, today I'm going to choose lover lover by James Iha

17. Who would be your ideal partner? I think I have answered this to you before, but my ideal partner should make me feel safe and really loved, in the most truthful way

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Only two

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Oat with amaranto typically known as atole and quesadillas or sincronizadas, or Mokka coffee without milk. If I can't take breakfast at home i can have coffee and amaranto cookies at the studio (loves amaranto btw)

36. Favorite clean word? que onda (what's up)

37. Favorite swear word? no mamar (no fucking way)

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? umm totally secret? Not really, but it's not too late for one. Goblin dudes stay away

45. What is your favorite accent? I don't have one hehe

46. What is your personality type? Idk, everytime I do the test the answer it's different, and I always forget the name of it

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? My Sakura embroidered bomber jacket, it costed like $1500 pesos, worth it every cent

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yep

49. Are you an innie or an outie? I'm an innie

51. Are you scared of spiders? Not at all

52. Favorite food? Tostadas! A flat and dry tortilla and you can put it on whatever you want (today I ate tostadas hahaha)

53. Favorite foreign food? Red and green curry

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I'm both, it depends on the day and how lazy I feel

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? It takes me like an hour. When I had long hair, it took me more 😱

60. Do you talk to yourself? Yes, i do talk a lot with myself

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yes, i do

64. Are you a gossip? Only if it's a very good gossiping, i guess I'm guilty

66. Do you like long or short hair? I like both 🤗

71. What makes you nervous? situations that seem out of my control make me nervous, or some people in a good and in a bad way

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Sometimes I do, i try not to because I know I can sound rude

74. Are you ticklish? Not anymore, i used to be ticklish when I was a kid

89. Do you like your age? Yes i do like it

90. What makes you angry? People who don't listen and situations

94. What are you strengths? I'm resilient, i have the strength to fight for a better life, and I also have a good memory except for art history facts hahahaha the irony...

95. What are your weaknesses? Um I'm always late, I'm a social misfit, I'm a creep I'm a weirdo, i don't like to go outside and it's worst with faraway places, lately I've been procrastinating, i can be cold when I'm in a bad mood or when i dislike people, i cry when somebody close to me scolds me

Fiufff those were a lot of questions (⁠；⁠^⁠ω⁠^⁠）Thank you! I hope you have a good day 🦋💗

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dragonthusiast · 1 year

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My self-publishing experience

Saw @prettyquickpoetry do an AMA about self-publishing, and thought it might be good to share my experience with it over the last 3 years, maybe it will be useful to someone.

So let's make a numbered list and go down it.

1. Covers

A lot of people think having as accurate cover as possible is necessary, myself included, but apparently that's not really the case. What's actually important is getting a cover that accurately shows your genre. If you have a fantasy book, and the cover immediately evocated fantasy, even if it's just some glowing sword it or something, that's usually enough.

Obviously, if there's for example a dragon on the cover and there's no dragons in the book, that would probably annoy someone, but generic can work, especially because you can then get a premade cover, which are noticeably cheaper than getting a custom one.

And getting one made for paperback/hardback of course costs extra (and in my experience they barely sell), so that's also something to consider.

2. Formating

Another important thing to deal with prior to publication is formatting of the book itself. if you properly format your text in Word, clearly labeling chapters with heading styles, that should be enough for the ebook version (at least it is when publishing on amazon, not 100% sure about paperbacks, though). However, if you want to add more complex things like graphics, POV banners, basically anything to make the inside of the book stand out, things get complicated.

Obviously you don't have to do these things, as long as the book is readable, I don't think anyone will complain, but anything from adding a table of contents to links might be a problem without it.

So if you want to have more than basic formatting, you have two options that are known to me - you can either buy a program called Vellum, which is very expensive (I paid around 300 dollars with tax) and it's only available for Macs but it is very good, or you can have someone format the book for you, which is also expensive, but not this expensive. It really depends on how many books you plan to publish. If you want to do this a lot, the program investment might be worth it, if not, I'd of course suggest just paying someone to do it for you. There's usually more complex options when it's custom order formatting, too.

I also know there's some people willing to use Vellum for you on Fiverr, which I find kind of funny, given how much they charge for such an easy task. But it is allowed, so good for them, I guess.

3. Choosing where to self-publish

Another important decision is if you decide to only stick with Amazon, or if you use the other major retailers also (e.g. going wide). I only have experience with the former, so I can only speculate about the latter, but basically: if you stick with Amazon, you get the option to put your book(s) into Kindle Unlimited (KU), which is basically a library where readers paying a monstly subscription fee can choose books to read, and you get paid per page read. This boosts your chances of people giving your book a try because it's very risk-free for them - they can just stop reading if they don't like it and go about their day without wasting money.

Now is this worth doing instead of putting your book only on Amazon? Hard to say. My books definitely make the most money from page reads, even though you get half a cent per page, but I can't know how many sales I would have made if I hadn't put the books in KU, so I have no idea. I do hear that KU is especially good for romance, but I also feel like half of publishing is just romance, so that feels like an empty statement.

The Amazon only vs. wide debate seems to be an endless one with no one actually having any idea what's best, and everyone feeling very "oh if only I chose the other option, maybe then I'd get readers" about it, so just do whatever, I guess. You can opt out of KU 3 months after signing up for it, so it's pretty risk free, and if it's not for you, you can then go wide. Though I would suggest against then going back to KU, it annoys people when things keep changing.

I know this section has not been very inspiring, but also, I just don't know at this point. I will be trying going wide with my next series, but I have no expectations, mostly because apparently more that 80% of readership is on Amazon. So if you see anyone harrassing authors for publishing there, please, feel free to bludgeon them.

4. Pricing

Most books I've seen seem to be priced at 2.99 to 4.99 dollars. Again, this is just my Amazon knowledge because I don't sell anywhere else yet. The reason for this is that, on Amazon, from 2.99 to 9.99 you get 70% of the money from a sale, while 0.99 to 2.98 gets you only 35%. (Same for over 10 dollars of course.)

You can't publish a book as free on Amazon, but you can publish somewhere else where this is allowed (I can't remember which retailer allows this right now, but I know there is at least one) and then you can tell Amazon to price match that, so it will be permafree. However, I do know Amazon, being a money hungry snake, doesn't like this, and they will do whatever they can to make this process difficult, such as randomly the price switching back from free to whatever it was.

Indie books more expensive than 4.99 get fewer sales because it's just more of a risk for readers than if they bought a more expensive traditionally published book, though if you can make it work, go for it. The more money the better.

I think 3.99 is a nice price point where it's not as cheap as it could be, implying at least subconsciously some kind of quality, while still being cheap enough for the average reader to not be intimidated by.

5. Marketing

The most awful thing in existence. Not to be too dramatic. It feels like slamming your head against a wall.

I'll immediately come out and say that I have no idea how to make this work, so unfortunately, I can't recommend anything, but I did try a lot of ways to market, so I'll just list them here and give my experiences with them.

Usually there's two types of ads you can do - ad campaigns and newsletters.

The first uses keywords you pick and you generally pay per click on the ad, which doesn't have to result in a sale. In fact, it usually doesn't, in my experience, to the point that I haven't figured out how to make them profitable at all.

Newsletters have two types - one that you yourself put together, which I highly recommend you do immediately, even before publishing. Even just having a link in the book to a signup form for people who want to read more things by you is better than nothing. I use Mailchimp for this, but I don't know if I want to recommend it, there's a lot that pisses me off about it, but that said I haven't found anything better, and you get up to 1K emails for your list for free, which is a bunch of people to collect the email addresses of. In 3 years, I got 3 so far. Obviously you can boost these numbers by offering an incentive other than just people wanting to read more books by you. For example, giving them a novella connected to your book(s) for free if they sign up. I haven't done this, but that's because I'm a lazy dumbass.

The second type of newsletters is one where you pay for your book to be added to the email that's sent out by a third party. Usually you choose which genre your book is in so only people who read for example fantasy will get your fantasy book in an email of other fantasy books. These lists have thousands of readers, but usually they're only for discounted or free books, so they're best for series.

Here's a link to a comprehensive list of these services, but they're not very cheap, having gotten much more expensive recently, with the added problem of diminishing returns. The first promotion you do is usually pretty successful, but if you do it again for the same book in maybe say half a year, plenty of people who would be interested already have your book, hence smaller numbers. I've had the most success with FreeBooksy, but I haven't tried every single service on that list.

The best of these is BookBub, where it's supposedly almost impossible not to make your investment back from what I heard. The reason I only ever heard about this is because it's expensive as shit. You fork over hundreds of dollars for these. Right now, a free fantasy book promo which is shown to almost 1.4 million people according to the BookBub website costs almost 500 dollars. The most expensive seems to be women's fiction for a whopping 700.

And again, I need to stress this is if your book is free, so you won't make any money back directly, with non free book promos being even more expensive than this. You need this to be the first in a series, ideally. I wish I could try this out, but 500 dollars here is like half a monthly sallary, so it's a little unreachable for me, especially when I can't even be sure that money will come back to me.

But from second hand opinions I've seen, very few people complain about this being ineffective. It's just very unapproachable.

Okay, and now let's look at those ad campaigns.

Let's go from worst to best:

Twitter ads - awful, you get a bunch of clicks but I've never once made a sale despite getting hundreds of clicks, even on things that are up for a dollar. So I assume it's all bots. (Also Twitter might die soon or whatever, so I guess it doesn't matter anymore)

Facebook ads - supposedly work, you can even filter people who read ebooks on there when you know how, but even after reading a book about this specific topic, I have never made a sale that way, just like with Twitter. I think Facebook ads might work, but it's a money sink to the point that I couldn't get that many clicks before having to stop the ad campaign. I'm a poor eastern European student, ok, I can't afford paying a dollar per click, hoping that maybe after 10 I get a single sale that will give me back 2 or 3 dollars.

BookBub ads - yes Bookbub also does pay-per-click ads for books. They're also useless. The only reason I put them ahead of the other two is that I believe the clicks you get are from real people, and that they're not very expensive. But I have never made a sale here.

Amazon ads - the most success I've had with this type of ad. I feel a need to stress that this is incredibly relative, I barely made any money, I certainly never made enough to justify the ads, but it was the most effective of these. I usually tried them, only to grow anxious about getting click and no sales to the point where I decided that I must be doing something wrong, turned them off, only to repeat a few months later until finally I just gave up completely. People make good profit on these, supposedly, but I just couldn't figure it out. It didn't matter what book I put out an ad for, or what keywords I used. Even when I was randomly getting clicks, there were no sales. I just don't know, anymore.

Finally, something related to marketing but not exactly an ad:

Website - when I started I thought it was incredibly important to have an author website, and yes, it's neat, but it's in no way a necessity, and it costs a lot of money. I initially didn't think it was too bad, but that's because most website hosts give you a very discounted plan for the first three years, and then hit you with even tripple prices.

Even with the newsletter signups, you can use a service to host your form on their website, not to mention you can put one of the signup forms on a free website (at least Wix let me). But my point here is that you don't actually need a website if you don't want to bother. A Facebook page serves the same purpose, for example. And even if you do want a website, a free one is enough. If there's a reader out there who, upon visiting an indie writer's website, scoff that there's ads, or whatever, they are an asshole.

Of course, if you can afford a website, why not, go for it, but it's not something you have to have.

And related to this: I see a lot of people get hung up on reviews when they first publish. And yes, reviews are important, but I have never noticed a difference in sales between books that have reviews/have few reviews/have no reviews. My most "successful" book sold hundreds of copies if I also count KU reads, and that had no reviews for a full month. All those sales were organic too, I did nothing to earn this aside from writing the book (which should be enough in an ideal world but oh well). And then the reviews weren't very good, but the sales didn't drop off.

Opposite to this my first book is sitting at 39 reviews, with the worst being two 2 star ratings, the majority is 5 stars. Pretty good. Guess what that book will not sell unless I pay. At all.

What matters is algorithms, which supposedly can be jumpstarted by getting a lot of sales upon publishing. Apparently that makes the algorithm notice that the book is doing good and it will push it more so more people buy it. But I don't think anyone actually understands how the Amazon algorithm works, including Amazon. All this is is speculation. That said, I did notice there's usually some organic interest in a book shortly after publishing (as long as its the first in a series/stand-alone). The only time a book of my arrived dead on arrival was with The Circles of Magic. I wish I could say I learned what I did wrong, but no. I have no idea still.

And I think that's it. If I think of anything else, I'll add it. If anyone has any questions, I can answer them, also, so don't be shy. I wrote this not to make anyone second-guess their goal to self-publish, of course, I don't regret doing it, but I think it's good to share what it's been like so whoever might find this useful knows what it's like. And of course this is just my experience, I'm sure you could find someone with the exact opposite experience.

Special mention to @missdrarrydawn my beloved best fren best person alive . This has nothing to do with the rest of the post. It's just the objective truth, and she deserves a special mention

#writeblr #amwriting #self publishing #indie #indie writer

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mypoisonedvine · 2 years

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I mean, I’ll read just about anything whether it’s something I’m into or not -like stepcest, I am not into- and with that being said, I feel like you give pretty spot on warnings for what will be featured in the fic. Things like degradation shouldn’t have to have specific word warnings because if you’re reading work that includes it, you should know what it’s likely to entail, y’know? Not to mention you’re kinda known for more taboo dynamics so we really shouldn’t expect anything but utter filth. And none of this is to attack other anon, just me giving my unasked-for two cents

man don't sweat it this entire website is two cents nobody asked for lmaoooo

technically I can't expect people to know what they're getting into with me since there are new followers here all the time, however I may have to change my theme back to being dark colored so it really gets people in the right vibe from the beginning, you know? my url isn't wholesomefics for a reason lol the poison there is not just for aesthetics shit's fucked up round here

I'm glad that you feel like my warnings are pretty comprehensive. I really do put a lot of thought into them-- like with the first chapter of meet the munsons that I posted yesterday, I added a warning at the last second that the reader is kind of judgy but that she will chill out eventually... I just wanted to make sure no one thought I was agreeing with her when she implied people should just "get over" their issues. for one, she's got her own things she's handling imperfectly which is where that comes from; secondly, she's thinking this internally, and I bet we'd all come across as judgmental if we had our inner monologue written down like that. and obviously that wasn't about a potential trigger, it was just about setting people up for what they were getting themselves into.

to be honest I really did consider putting a warning specifically for 'bitch' because that to me is a bit more than just "normal" degradation I guess? like, normal degradation is stuff like "whore" "slut" "stupid" etc. but then "bitch" and "cunt" are specifically misogynistic. (yes historically whore and slut are also misogynistic but the other two are like specifically slurs against women at least in the US.) so yeah I was on the fence about it but I didn't want to like give the whole thing away either. I changed the warning so hopefully nobody gets bamboozled.

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twst-discourse-bot · 2 years

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Just putting my two cents in on the Mulan dorm having the lowest grades, but that doesn't really make any sense with how Mulan is portrayed in the animated movie. Yes, she's active as a soldier but Mulan was known for solving her problems without resorting to brute strength. It's a fairly major part of her character, with different moments dedicated to showing her thinking outside the box.

Anyways, if anyone wants a good video talking about Disney's version of Mulan and what is culturally right and wrong about the film, then look up Xiran Jay Zhao on youtube. They've done the live action Mulan, the animated version, and the animated sequel. In case anyone wants to use Mulan for inspiration for their ocs or something, it could be useful to see what parts of the films are accurate or inaccurate and then research from there!

Hello anon, thank you for your input.

I absolutely LOVE Xiran Jay Zhao's videos and highly recommend their channel to anyone who's interested in learning about Asian culture and how it is portrayed in media.

But back to Mulan, you are totally correct. She has shown that she is a talented strategist who thinks on her feet and is capable of solving nearly any problem thrown her way. So, her excuse is already not worth anything.

However, there's really no point in trying to rationalize why Jordan made the decision she did aside from calling it what it is: more anti-Asian bigotry. It's fairly simple: she like the aesthetic of East Asian culture, but she only wants to apply it to her own non-EA characters to make them cool.

She puts the fan dorm based on a canon Black female character at the top of her ranking list and then the one based on a canon Asian female character at the bottom, because... sports? If we're following this path of logic, then the Tiana dorm should be more focused on cooking and home economics than academics. The dorm based on "intelligence" (Belle from BatB) should be at the top.

But oh... that wouldn't fit her self-adulating narrative now, would it? I don't even know why she would post a dorm ranking like this other than to show how much she enjoys disrespecting Asian people. Like, it's a hobby at this point. A side hustle, if you will.

I'm not even saying that the dorms SHOULD be ranked that way, I don't think they should be ranked at all! There is literally no point to it! Everything she says and does is SO weird, it's killing me.

#answered asks

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the-firebird69 · 1 month

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Freya Ridings - Lost Without You (Live from King's Cross Station) 🚂

youtube

I went back and listened I heard about it later what you're saying and she's really psyched did the show is from the old death stars which they put back the new ones are gone they couldn't take over the fleet they couldn't take over on the ground and they lost their solid state Network and moving to fiber optics and then falling back all the time you don't think they're going to have enough armaments they have to take it and put on ships and get the ships out and the ships are hard to get out we think they might not get our room and talk there if they don't they only have a few things they can do if it goes behind the Sun they fired the sun it might not do anything and they're not holding their hostage even if they're holding there they might not fire him so this year is important now I understand it he's been falling back and Garth got it out that's how I was hearing you that's how he's hearing it

Bja

We know this is important and we understand that you want us to move away even though we're having to do it they give her a lot of Hope and she is afraid of us and nervous doesn't trust us and she probably shouldn't we're being real mean but we understood what it meant it would actually really sorry for what was happening so it was my idea and had him do it and they suck but they always sucked and people should have known that I did all more than nothing which is what was going to happen they're not really heroes they're kind of ass munches but they kind of understood it at the beginning. So she got really happy and said that's ridiculous you're awesome you're just being mean and people are trying things to try and stop us from doing the wrong thing and Terry cheesman is doing a great job and we hear him too we have to run certain things while they're maxing and start bothering to poop out of us then we're getting to what an amazing girl she really loves him he's mad and hell and think he's gone

Trump

I'm okay I got taken out no out of my brain case damn it all I go in and grab your head and I take off somehow you put back together and you come back and yeah Jason is company this might be a little piggies but I don't know what happens to them and I think it's before because you can see in his and there's someone there and I get this and Tommy f is threading our bodies for the max plan to be threatened and is threatening our friend here and the max got really mad

Sarah

Yeah there's an angel fanatic sorry about this movie she wants to make a b rated movie and our company is b rated she's kind of a fanatic and it is her running around saying I'm not the one up there you idiot Becka and my two cents finally it's kind of your speed for information and such and he's thinking Rosemarie and if you know he has a thing for her and she's chasing us around and we're like we don't have any money so you won't be able to do anything with it if she don't do something with it and grow somewhere else so growing food in this s*** so I took your word for it if she's going to try and make scary monster movie and your gags and your jokes and other people and you requested that Cheech and Chong me in it that's actually us there's another business brownies but yeah kick the dog it goes around the guy and he can't move and the dog says good got you now get the leash on you that's ridiculous you can't kick the dog everybody gets mad you do it all the time for Christ's sake

Trump

So he's probably alive good

Freer writings and have more to say but this is intense I've never heard anything like this says he doesn't have it all figured out but he thinks they're alive up there this might be just a video and they might be on earth as you see one ship going off when they're there which might be them trying to escape the people who came on board not knowing what's up to or looking like aliens and they're afraid and we get that too so we're moving on to things but boy I think we figured it out together he says yeah I'm kind of a boy and you might be growing up one inch at a time for crying out loud

#Youtube

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coughsyrups · 9 months

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there are so many thoughts stirring in my head and now that i’ve sat down to start spewing them out i’m overwhelmed by the magnitude and stuck, like i’m trying to squeeze chunks of my emotions through a hole big enough to fit one at a time, but easily blocked by many. i can’t say everything i want to say all at once. i backtrack, and repeat myself, and wander aimlessly around what i want to say like a fool.

i think i’m going crazy.

getting better is never linear. life imitates art imitates life imitates poetry; which is art, which, naturally, imitates life. don’t romanticize your suffering, because pain isn’t necessarily beautiful, and just because you can find beauty in your sorrow doesn’t mean you needed to suffer. just because you put your vase back together with golden glue doesn’t mean it never broke in the first place. being fragile and pretty and traumatized is not cool, actually, and i’m sick of the metaphors, and the narrative, and especially the foreshadowing.

i have always read writings written on walls. and i sit down and i write my little songs about it, and when i get hurt inevitably it’s marginally easier because i knew it was going to happen. and i already wrote some four chord ABAB bullshit that i can sing over and over again until i process it by desensitizing myself to the situation. because i have to make everything funny, i have to make everything palatable, i have to make everything art. and i haven’t been creating art lately. god, haven’t i suffered enough? this isn’t the kind of suffering i know how to write about. not having money to eat isn’t something you just slip into the second verse. i’ve tried and tried, and no one ever sees the part where i try except for him. they see me quitting jobs, they see me calling out sick, they see me spending forty bucks on chinese takeout when i have bills and rent and appointments. what about me holding two jobs with 60 hour work weeks, and STILL struggling to save a fucking a dollar? i overwork myself to the point of burnout, and when i get a pitiful fucking nothing paycheck there’s nothing i can really do to hold out any longer mentally. so i quit. so i chase a dollar’s worth of a promotion and jump from job to job, sitting at the lowest rung, looked over and taken advantage of and talked about and misgendered, misgendered, misgendered. i want to hide!! i don’t want to see myself in windows walking from job one to job two, i hate everything about my body, and i use it as an excuse to not correct people using the wrong pronouns for me, which just makes me hate it even fucking more. oh, i understand why people use she/her, my boobs are just so big teehee!! but i don’t get how nobody even fucking tries. i’m not saying i’m some magical perfect person but i make an effort, a conscious, serious effort, to remember people’s pronouns, to ask their pronouns, to properly gender them. the only people who use my pronouns consistently are max and my mom, who are both cisgender. it hurts so bad when my trans friends don’t use my pronouns. you should know more than anyone! how much it sucks! do i have to take hormones? do i have to “dress nonbinary”? i don’t want to change my voice, i don’t want to change my closet, i don’t want to change anything except my chest, and that’s more a health and comfort and weight thing than dysphoria!

if i don’t get this breast reduction, i genuinely feel like i might give up entirely. on everything. on living well. on waking up. because wouldn’t that just be fucking great? the chance to be comfortable in my body for the first time since i was… 14? 15? if this gets ripped away from me i might just run away, i don’t know! i don’t have a cent to my name but i could do it. go home, work a job for a few months. save up a couple hundred. then go no contact with everyone who’s ever known me. buy a plane ticket. move somewhere far, where the cost of living is low, and just restart. i could steal my documents. i could figure something out. craigslist exists, i’m sure someone needs a roommate. would my loved ones try to find me? i’d leave a note, of course. something to say that i’m gone, and that i might come back, but i don’t know when. would they be willing to wait? i don’t know what i’d want them to do. part of me would want to be found, like some princess in a castle, waiting to be rescued and returned to the kingdom. but if i chose to leave, i would want to stay gone. maybe after a few months, i would send a letter. no return address, of course. i don’t want them to think i got murdered.

i don’t want to make people sad. i don’t want people to hate me. i don’t want people to even dislike me. i want to be loved, and make people happy, and be everybody’s best friend who they can talk to about anything. but i’m lonely, and i’ve always been lonely, and i always will be lonely. in every lifetime, every timeline, every minute, i’ve always been a step removed, like the narrator is possessing my body and observing characters in a story. i can see them, and they can see me, and we can talk and have fun, but i’m here to see this story through. i’m here to tell this story. i’m here to check for plot holes and predict the twists nobody sees coming, and then when everything’s over i move on to the next chapter. moving along like everything is fine. that’s just how the story goes, nothing i can do. i am lonely, and this last year and a half has been nice, because i think max is lonely like i am. i think we deal with it in different ways. i think i’m fighting my loneliness, challenging it, trying to change how i’m written, but he handles it so well. he can be alone, not that he always wants to be, but even when he doesn’t want to be alone, i don’t think it drives him half as insane as it drives me.

i want to rip my hair out, or shave it off, or give myself bangs. i want to scream, but everybody wants to scream. i want to drive my car off a bridge. (i want to fly.) i want to float motionless at the bottom of a bathtub. (my hair makes a halo.) and see? there’s the metaphors. there’s the poetry, and the art, and the symbolism, oh the symbolism, because i can’t just process my feelings like normal people do. but this is good, because the alternative to writing this is laying awake thinking this. or, rather, thinking three sentences at once, because of all these voices in my head talking over each other. i’m at the breaking point. i don’t want anyone to help me right now, i don’t want someone on snapchat messaging me “ily! i hope u feel better soon” which is ironic considering how many of those messages i’ve sent to others.

i’m confused. i don’t think i’m scared. but i’m anxious. and i’m frustrated. i don’t know what to do, going forward? i’m not gonna run away to wyoming. i’m not gonna kill myself. i have to keep living. and keep going. i have to prove to myself that things will get better. it’s sunk cost fallacy, i didn’t kill myself at 19 so why should i now? i could’ve then. maybe i should’ve, the only people i would’ve hurt would have been my family. nobody else was close enough to me where they wouldn’t be able to get over it. it’s funny, getting dumped after a month was the end of the world to me back then. like a kid, falling off their bike and skinning their knee, screaming and wailing so hard at the sight of a few drops of blood and some scraped skin that the neighbors come outside to see what’s wrong. the world is ending! but it’s not. you put on a bandaid and move on.

i’ve had worse injuries since then. and even though they hurt just as bad, i learned to push through the pain, to conquer it mentally. i’ve put on a lot of bandaids. but i’m not trying to minimize how it felt in the moment, because it is the worst thing you have yet experienced. and each time you have a worse experience, you’re better equipped to deal with it. even better, when you experience something of equal or lesser trauma, it’s no big deal! you’ve had worse! wayyyy worse. what i’m saying is, how i felt that night in 2019 was valid, because i had never experienced heartbreak before. i didn’t know how to deal with it. i didn’t know i could hurt like that. now i’ve been hurt like that so many times that i can shut it off, deal with it mentally, think it through, push through the pain. and i hope i come to a day when i feel the same way about right now.

i’ve met the love of my life. i’m scheduled for a life changing surgery. i’m finally been living on my own. i have two sweet little kitties. and i’ve been trying hard not to let the negatives outweigh the positives, but that’s not the full picture. i’m not being negative when i say things are bad right now. i’m being honest. things aren’t perfect between max and i. i have this weird sense of jealousy where i think about how i’m the “first partner he’s actually, genuinely loved” and also, the first partner* he hasn’t actually, genuinely fucked. (*a few outlier relationships have been excused from this statement.) and that’s so stupid, right? it’s so shallow. isn’t this what i wanted, something beyond just a sexual agreement between two people who don’t seem to like each other all that much? yes, it is, and i am grateful, i am beyond grateful to love someone who loves me, and cares for me and about me, who i love to spend time with and talk to, who i fall asleep next to. i just get this hangup. why not me? i know the answer. the answer is i’m not pressuring him to do something he doesn’t want to do, and that will never change. i’m not going to guilt trip him into having sex with me, and the thought of ever doing that makes me sick. but i feel odd thinking that there’s other people who have loved him, just like me, that shared this experience with him, and i haven’t. and i don’t know when i will. if i will? i don’t know!

the surgery has me scared. not because it’s a surgery, i’m not scared about complications. but what about the money, how long will i be paying this off for? what if there’s an issue with healing? an infection? breasts become misshapen? bottom out? uneven? i gain more weight and they grow again? as soon as i’m able to i need to work out. i don’t want to have my stomach be larger than my breasts and that’s probably going to be the case after the surgery. i just hope i like the way i look. i know i’ll be more comfortable but i just… i didn’t think this would happen so soon. this happened incredibly fast and i have barely begun to process it. i’m just basically half dissociative every day at this point.

and august is our last month in the apartment, and then we’re moving home. i won’t live with max anymore. i won’t live with the girls anymore. no more late night hot tub, no more queen sized mattress, no one holding me every night. everything’s going to be over. everything that we built here, we’ll try to get a storage unit but what if we can’t, what if we have to get rid of everything? we don’t have a lot of space in our new living situations. it just doesn’t seem fair.

i wish the money from the tax return had been spent wiser. i wish max hadn’t been unemployed for so long. i wish i could work 60 hour weeks without getting burnt out. i wish i made $100 a minute for playing cookie run. wouldn’t that be nice?

and now… the lawsuit. where do i begin? it’s entirely unreal. i thought i felt insane, now i’m starting to think i actually am. this is some serious psychosis, lilia, you should be admitted asap. i want this to happen for him and his family, they deserve it more than anything, i don’t really know… what i’m supposed to say about it though? i don’t want to say anything. i just want to say, cool, you have money now, my shift starts in ten minutes though so i have to go, i’m already late. what does this change? does this change anything? why would it? it’s just money. but then i think about when i was working runrun and the saint, working til 3 in the morning, crying and panicking over being a hundred short for something or other. is that over now? forever? i don’t know how he’s planning on budgeting/using it, i don’t want to say a word of advice to him on it unless he asks me. he doesn’t need unsolicited advice from me. this has been happening his entire life, and i’ve known for like, two days? there’s nothing i can say or suggest that he hasn’t already thought of.

but it’s strange to think about how this has been here the whole time, in the background, beyond my knowledge. never mentioned. never explained. “well i bet you have it figured out by now” no actually! despite how badly i’ve been wanting to snoop or eavesdrop out of curiosity, i have fully respected your wishes to keep this private! all i thought it was was some sort of settling of affairs. how the fuck would i have ever been able to guess a fraction of this situation?

i guess it’s not the worst thing to be blindsided by. at least you don’t have like, a kid, idk. but i hate to say it… if you were hiding this for so long, what else is there? is there anything else you haven’t told me? you’ve never given me a single ghost of a reason not to whole heartedly trust you and believe you’re giving me the full story. until now! that’s what i feel weird about. that’s why i’m kind of upset. what else do i not know about you? i’m pretty sure you know everything about me.

i love you. that hasn’t changed. i’ll always love you. i just don’t know why you let yourself be unemployed for over a month. i don’t understand how you could keep something as crazy as this under the table for our entire relationship. today is actually a year and a half from our first date. a year and a half without a word, except for, “would you be mad if i pulled a crazy rich asians on you?” i guess i should’ve said, no, i would not be mad at all! if you had worked that month, we might not be moving out. or we might still be, i don’t know. i’ll never know, because that’s not what happened.

i’m tired. see, this is how my writing always goes. all deep and flowery and full of metaphorical rambling that doesn’t make sense and is way too self referential and meta. but then the moment i start talking about my relationships i get more direct. and, idk, sassy. and i start saying fuck.

hey. you say you wish i could’ve met your dad almost every time you talk about him. and i’ve never told you this, because i don’t want to sound crazy, but i probably am crazy, and knowing me i’ll show you this some day, or, knowing you, you’ll just find it, so basically, i don’t mind sounding crazy. you wish i could’ve met him, and i wish so as well, but in a way, i feel like i already have. i see him in you, in how you act, and how you talk about him, and the stories, and the rare pictures and videos. when you’re talking about him, i feel like he’s here, next to us. i think we would’ve been friends. i think he would’ve liked my tattoo. i think he would’ve liked my music. i think he would’ve liked my family. he’s your angel, and that sounds silly, and i don’t mean it super literally, nor do i mean it in a cheap psychic way. i think what we put into the world stays there, our love. you have his love. you carry that with you, and i think you also carry his pain, because no one else was there to pick it up for him after he was gone. i don’t know what else to say, just that i’ve always felt connected to him through you. your love for each other is so strong that i can see it today.

pain isn’t beautiful. neither is suffering. it’s a misconception, because what’s really beautiful is perseverance, and strength, and every little good thing in the world. the scar is beautiful, but that wound isn’t. just because the healing was because of the pain, that doesn’t mean the pain was what created the beauty. we shouldn’t need to hurt.

thanks to sunk cost fallacy, i’m going to get better, because i missed my chance to kill myself four years ago, and now i have no choice but to keep living, to keep loving, and to make new reasons to stay alive. the only way out is through, because you can only go forward, and i missed the suicide exit and now i’m stuck on the bridge of recovery.

at least i have a sunpass.

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thestingerblog · 2 years

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Taika Waititi and the LGBT Audience

Read this conversation on our site

The Stinger Conversation is a series in which the co-creators of the site (Sam and Aero) discuss a series of topics that are often the center of internet discourse. This conversation has been edited to be more concise.

Sam: Our first topic for this series is Taika Waititi and his relationship with his queer audience. So, a little bit of background: Taika Waititi is a filmmaker who was born in New Zealand. He has made a lot of films, and the most notable one is Thor Ragnarok, which is the one that brought him to fame around 2016. And since then, he has been involved in a bunch of different projects, such as the show Our Flag Means Death. He also created a project called What We Do in the Shadows, which was a movie that was released in 2014. In 2019, a spin-off show was created and named the same as the movie. This show is currently airing. Because of this, Our Flag Means Death, and Thor Love and Thunder, Taika has gotten very popular with the queer audience because of the fact that the two shows I mentioned have a lot of queer characters. He also made claims that there was a lot of LGBT content in Thor Love and Thunder.

Before we start really digging into it, I just want to clarify that we’re not trying to cancel him. Our purpose is just to contribute to the conversation and add our two cents on what we think about this topic.

Aero: This is going to be a new format on the site. It’s going to be a little bit like a podcast, but it’s going to be in written form. We are both huge fans of his work, and it’s difficult to talk about this, not just because we love his work and we have an inherent bias to praise the people whose work we like, but also, not to say that we’re scared, and we do have conviction in what we say, but we know there’s going to be a lot of rebuttals when people discover what we’re saying, and we just don’t want any conflict. That’s not the purpose of this. We want a conversation – we’re not trying to wage war on people.

Sam: Exactly. And I think also the comments we’re making today aren’t on his filmmaking or storytelling skills because he’s obviously an incredible director and writer and all these things, but we’re discussing the way that he has interacted with his LGBT fans.

Aero: We’re trying to analyze his relationship with the LGBT community, especially his fans, and how that informs the way he markets his work – not pander, but tailor his work and use his skills to try to mobilize his audience.

Sam: With all those disclaimers put out there, we can start by talking about how he has been in a bunch of different interviews where he started talking about how he’s perceived by LGBT fans. One of the most known instances of him talking about his gay audience was the London screening where a fan had asked how gay Thor Love and Thunder is. Taika then told Natalia Portman to answer the question. Natalie Portman has said it was “so gay” and Taika reaffirmed it. It was implied in the way that he handed Natalie the question that he wanted Natalie to answer in the way she did. He said in an interview with Wired that “I come off as very gay.” He also said in an interview with Out magazine that he called himself a “little gay icon” when he was talking with his friends about himself. Aero, what are your thoughts on this?

Aero: Despite my grievances towards how he markets himself, I’ve seen all these interviews and videos, and, yeah, it does seem a little pandery. Like, the London screening video is super uncomfortable because, one, you shouldn’t just be asking that to people. Screenings and Q and A’s should offer constructive questions – questions about filmmaking, questions about the plot, questions about acting, and like, the things that actually make up the movie. It felt like the person who asked that was just not self-aware enough. So, I think that Natalie Portman and Taika Waititi were both put on the spot to answer. Natalie knew the reputation that Taika has with the LGBTQ community, so she answered the way she did.

It just seemed a little awkward, and most people on the Internet who saw that clip thought it was awkward as well and did not receive it well. Because it was cringe, it became viral. Also, it bothers me that he, as a straight man, finds so much pride in being a queer icon. That title has been so diluted and so many people have been called queer icons. I just think that straight people shouldn’t be parading around using a title that a handful of people call him.

Sam: How Taika uses his label as a “gay icon” is different than the way some other “gay icons” who are straight use that label. He uses it to try to explicitly market his products. This idea of a cishet person being a “gay icon” and using this to their advantage has been a discussion in the past before. I’ve seen it in regards to Dan and Phil. Before they came out, people would say that it was problematic that they were trying to pander to their LGBT audience, even though we didn’t know at the time that they were also queer. It’s a little different in this case in that this is a huge franchise movie with such a big budget and an incredible global impact.

Aero: I feel like this is a bit different in that with Dan and Phil; at the time, it felt like they had to play up their “gayness” to appeal to their target audience, gay teenagers, in the mid-2010s. In this case, however, it’s a Marvel movie. It has a $185 million budget. The target audience is the entire world.

Sam: The way he marketed this Thor movie really bothered me. He claimed it was super queer, but (spoilers for Thor by the way) one of the queerest things we got was Valkyrie mentioning her dead ex-girlfriend and kissing a girl’s hand, and Korg and another rock guy holding hands, which isn’t revolutionary. But the way Taika marketed it seemed like it was going to be. Eternals had a gay Black character who had a husband and a son. Chloé Zhao, the director, didn’t market the movie as a gay movie. She just marketed it as a movie. It’s weird that Taika would try to bank on these small moments and try to make it seem like it was a huge thing.

Aero: I kind of sympathize because I know that making a $185 million movie obviously puts a lot of pressure on you to make sure that the movie does well, but this is the wrong way to promote a movie, especially when people can think critically and know what he’s doing. We know his motive, and it was just to make bank.

Sam: It’s strange that he uses his bond with his queer audience to try to convince them to use their wallets to show support for the LGBT community by implying that this movie is super gay so everyone should pay to go see it.

Aero: It’s pretty disturbing as a person who’s just seeing the marketing that he’s doing and not the strategy behind it because I want to know what his reasons are. Is he planning all these interviews out where he’s trying to slowly cement himself as a gay icon? I personally don’t see it like a thing he should be admitting himself. You don’t just give yourself a nickname, you know?

Sam: What’s even more worrying is that some people genuinely believe that Taika himself is queer based on the fact that he played a gay character in Our Flag Means Death and called himself a gay icon in all these interviews. I don’t think anybody should be speculating on people’s private lives in general. They should have the opportunity to tell us stuff about their personal life by themselves because that’s none of our business and we have no right to make judgments based on what characters they play or what they say.

Aero: I’ve seen it on Twitter. People keep commenting on how he dresses. The man’s just wearing patterned shirts. Have you not seen a patterned shirt in real life? Uncles wear patterned shirts and you’re not calling these people gay. I don’t understand the obsession with trying to “queer code” him because he’s a real person. He has the right to his own privacy. Even if he is queer, we don’t need to know.

Sam: A lot of this comes from the Internet because social media is so accessible to the point that Taika now can see that this is what people are saying about him and that his audience is composed of people like this. It’s kind of like a double-edged sword because he can use social media to gain insight into what his audience is like and he can take advantage of that which is good for him and bad for us. But people also have the chance to express their thoughts on him and share their godawful takes and he also has to see that, which could be bad for him because seeing people speculate about your personal life on social media can take a lot out of you.

Aero: Yeah. I don't wanna say that celebrities have become too accessible, but he definitely encouraged people to interact with him. That was him catalyzing his own downfall because people are interacting with him, but they're also like doing it in such a terrible way. As in they're psychoanalyzing him and saying inappropriate things. Not just about him, but about his family and looking into his perceived "queerness". And of course, it's because he opened up the gates and shared a lot with us, but it's also the fans' fault. You need to respect people's boundaries. Regardless if they're a celebrity, you wouldn't look into your friend’s personal life if they're not sharing it with you.

Sam: Taika benefits from having a gay audience but he’s straight so he doesn’t have to face the discrimination LGBT people face. He gets to use LGBT people the way he wants to and just walks away at the end of the day without any personal injury other than the weirdos who speculate on his sexuality.

Aero: He takes the good without taking the bad. It feels a bit, for a lack of a better word, exploitative in the way that he markets his work towards an audience and very clearly profits off of it, but it’s not like he’s actually queer. He’s just benefiting monetarily from it and it’s keeping him relevant. He doesn’t understand the struggles or hardships of being LGBT, especially considering that there are countries where gay marriage isn’t legal or even extremely stigmatized. Allyship is fine but open your wallet!

Sam: I would feel better about watching Thor Love and Thunder and having him market it as a gay movie and then donating profits from the movie to LGBT organizations. I would get that. But then again, there’s just an iffy fine balance in terms of the trust between the audience and creator, you know? Because Taika’s just built such a huge amount of trust with his audience and now he has it in his hand so he’s trying to take advantage of it, which is clear. So, it’s a weird thing for the audience where we like his work so much, but we also don’t like the feeling of being used for money and not being appreciated as people or viewers who just want to see good content or content that’s not just overly hyped up for the sake of being hyped up.

Aero: The people who are excited about his work are maybe a little frustrated because the focus is on him as a person instead of his work and what his future plans are, and I think that people who are excited about his work have been falling out of favor with him because of that. The solution to that would be him toning it down with the “queer icon” performance. Also, if he wanted to show actual allyship and be a good ambassador to the people, he should genuinely donate and promote other projects because I know he’s getting paid a lot to make these movies. He’s an actor, a writer, and a director of Marvel movies. If he’s not getting paid well, I don’t know who is.

Sam: We’re not saying he doesn’t donate, but he just doesn’t seem to publicly endorse it. It’s not to say that you can only be charitable if you’re public about it, but it’s good to be public about being charitable if you’re a celebrity figure because you can draw more attention to smaller organizations and bring more awareness and visibility.

Also, in the projects that Taika’s done, in terms of queerness, the representation he includes doesn’t necessarily encapsulate the entire LGBT community. We are Asian non-binary sapphics of color, and the amount of representation we have in media is so small so it’s easy for us to be critical of it. But I think a lot of Taika’s queer representation is more geared towards mainstream ideas about queerness. Like how he presents the image of two guys holding hands and even though they’re both made of rock, the general idea is that that’s the traditional image of queerness we see in media, so when people see stuff like that they think, “Oh, Taika’s a gay icon because he knows how to show queerness on the big screen like that. This is how queerness should be shown.”

But then, for us, we’re wondering, “Who’s going to show us on the screen?” We need to elevate queer and trans creators of color. We shouldn’t be hailing Taika as the go-to person for queer content.

Aero: Yeah, our sentiment is that a straight person should not set the standard on how queer cinema should look.

Sam: Exactly. Seek out queer and trans creators of color to support. Because of the internet, there’s so much more accessible content made by us, and there’s a lot of great stuff out there. I promise that supporting these creators is probably more impactful in terms of supporting the LGBT community than it is supporting Taika.

Aero: Supporting these individuals will encourage other individuals to make more works. If you’re supporting a corporation or a big creator, no individual’s gonna be like, “Oh, if a corporation can do it, I can do it.” So you have to support smaller creators so other creators can be like, “Oh, there’s an audience for this.”

Sam: It helps bring more impactful and genuine representation to media because representation is always done best when the people writing it, acting in it, and directing it are in that minority group.

Anyway, thank you for joining us for our first conversation, and we’ll see you at the next one!

#taika waititi #blog #mcu #conversation #lgbt #discourse #thor love and thunder #the stinger conversations

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peanutsilica3 · 2 years

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Getting a Blast With Penny Stocks

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psychogirlfriendandsupervillain · 3 years

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Leading Question

One shot (ish)

Benny Watts x Reader*

(* Reader wears a skirt, has hair long enough to pull (like anything longer than a buzzcut) and a vagina, so anyone who identifies with that: it’s free real estate. I am considering writing a copy that is fully gender-neutral, so if anyone wants that let me know (although I’m likely to do it anyway).)

Content/warning tags: NSFW, 18+, Smut (but it’s the slowest pacing smut, talking slow-burn but they’re both already in the bed, no joke), fluff?, friends to lovers, mention of alcohol, swearing, oral (male receiving), making out, heavy petting, really a whole lotta kissing, porn with no plot?, the porn is the plot, foreplay more like half the fucking play, hair pulling kink, mention of knife kink, sex, plotted during a figurative and literal fever, edited during a figurative and literal heat wave, we love it here.

Summary: Benny half-confesses to his attraction to the reader during a night at the bar and reader takes his clumsily put question and turns it into a homerun.

Word Count: 7k (this is what happens when you give me THAT and then take it away)

A/N: Entirely self-indulgent piece of smut thought out during two hours at 4 AM (and then throughout the rest of the day) the day after watching Fork, because I was frustrated and Benny is hot, whoopsie.

@go-catch-a-chickn showed some interest in what I was writing, but I bet you regret that now! Nonetheless, here’s your tag, have fun!

I’m open to criticism, just shoot me a message or an ask. Let me know if I’ve got errors or missed a warning.

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You and Benny were friends since high school. Not because you also played chess, but because you had been making out with your boyfriend in the back of the library and Benny had come looking for a chess book that was on the shelf you were leaning on. You two paused, moved to the side so that he could pull out the book and then he was on his way.

A few days later Benny was in the cafeteria and came up a few cents short, when a voice next to him told the woman at the register that they would pay for his meal as well as their own. He looked over at you as the cashier added your things to the total and you smiled.

“Now you have money over for other things.”

It continued like that for the rest of both of your high school stays. You would catch him in the corridor and strike up conversations before heading off for you next class. When your relationship with your boyfriend ended (mutually, it should be said; he was interested in another girl, you felt the spark wasn’t there anymore), you told Benny after he asked why you looked a little glum. He was supportive but didn’t bring it up again.

Now the two of you are sat at a bar counter, a bottle in front of each of you, as the day is winding down. You meet up like this between his tournaments and whatever else is going on your lives, touchdowns in the well-known amidst it all. The buzz of patrons has calmed down and outside the curtained windows the street is black, broken up by spots of the streetlights.

“Do you-“ Benny stops. He’s half turned towards you, left hand around his beer on the counter, legs facing you, but his eyes are currently at the bottles lined up against the back wall where the bartender is pouring a drink for someone down the line.

You put down your bottle after a sip, resting your hand on it just like he is. Benny starts again.

“What do you do when your dick tells you to sleep with your friend, but your brain tells you it’s not a good idea?” He’s still not looking at you. It’s almost a hypothetical, almost a thought about someone else.

You shrug, taking a last sip before turning forward.

“I don’t know, I follow what my pussy says.” With that you get up and put money on the counter to close your tab, seeing Benny jump in the corner of your eye at your answer. You’re pulling on your coat as you start for the door, slow enough that he’ll catch up no problem.

“Wait.” He’s at your side in no time. “I’ll walk you to your place.” Even in the slight shade of his hat you can see that he’s a bit flustered.

“You sure?” Benny nods. “Otherwise I could walk you to yours. It’s farther.” You push up the inner set of doors and Benny follows you into the dark airlock entryway.

“Why would you want to walk where it’s farther?” He asks behind you, a frown audible in his voice, and you hold up your hand to signal for him to wait as you push up the second set of doors.

The air rushes against you and the hum of a road somewhere off campus reaches your ears. There’s no one on the walk path running between fields of grass and lines of trees. It’s still too early for the streets to be filled with people getting home from the bars, too late for any overtime workers dragging their feet.

“Honestly?” You turn to Benny, who’s standing with his coat still unbuttoned and arms hanging at his sides, like he isn’t sure what to do with them. “Because I’m hoping to get invited up, and if I’m going to get fucked, I want to be in your bed, surrounded by the scent of you.”

It takes a second. Then he’s a little bit closer. Not that he was far away before, but he’s close enough that when he leans a little forward you don’t have to take a step to close the gap. Your lips run against his, soft and slow, with the slight scratch of his mustache against your skin, warm cotton and leather so close now, and then you step back, absentmindedly swiping your tongue over your own lips to chase his taste. His eyes flicker between your eyes and your lips.

“Your place or mine?” Benny’s voice is a little rough; maybe it’s the drinking, maybe it’s the kiss.

“Again, yours.” You quirk your lip and reach to catch Benny’s hand, warm in yours. Pulling him into motion you start walking in the direction of his apartment, shoes echoing against the asphalt.

“I’m not sure I will make it that far.” He sounds a bit tortured, and you laugh, squeezing his hand.

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you make it. And if you don’t, I’ll help you clean up and wait for you.”

Benny makes a noise.

“Tell me about Open Sicilian.” You look forward at the empty road as you walk.

“What?” He looks at you.

“To distract you, explain Open Sicilian to me.” He has explained that particular tactic to you several times before, not that it necessarily stuck too well.

“That’s not going to help!” Benny throws head back with a frustrated laugh. The sound makes your stomach flutter. “You’re going to make me tell you about chess, and then ask questions, to keep me distracted? Like you showing sincere interest in it isn’t going to just make it harder to focus.” He shakes his head, looking out over the empty street. “You’re gonna kill me.”

You would have gotten there quicker if Benny hadn’t stopped at every tree, stone wall, and doorway to push you against it and kiss you. He even sat down on a bench when you were halfway and pulled you down into his lap. You let yourself be pulled down but wouldn’t go along with his attempts to make you straddle him, despite his hand on your inner thigh through your skirt and his insistent, chasing kisses.

As you reach the building you let go off Benny’s hand so he can punch in the code for the door. He leads you up the hollow stairwell to his door, noisily unlocks it and lets you in before him.

It’s a short hallway with doors leading off to the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom, lit by some cool light falling in from the open doorway to the kitchen. There are hooks for jackets with a pile of shoes beneath it to one side, and a table holding a phone and newspapers further in.

The lock clicks behind you and Benny turns around, dropping his keys back down in his coat pocket. Just as he faces you, you push him back against the door. Shock flashes in his eyes and his lips part but when you place your against his he quickly responds, pushing back against you, his tongue running against your bottom lip, inviting you to taste it. It’s with difficulty that you pull back.

“Okay, I lied.” You admit as you get onto your knees, looking back up at him. “Can I?”

Benny’s breaths are unsteady, and you have to ask him to repeat it before you can clearly hear him consent.

You hum, pushing aside his leather coat to hold his hips back against the door, pulling his belt out from its loops so you can undo the buckle. Benny closes his eyes and groans as you let the belt with his knife still attached fall back against his legs and undo his button and zipper.

“Don’t be too loud, you don’t want the neighbors to hear you, do you? Even solid wood doors are thinner than walls.” You wink up at him and he repeats the sound, head leaning back against the door and hips pushing forward. If you didn’t believe Benny before, you definitely would now, as you feel how hard he is through the barriers of fabric. He’s solid and warm against your hands.

Pushing his jeans down, you move his boxers carefully until you can pull them down as well. Precum is leaking down the underside of his erect cock and his hips push forward again, impatiently this time. You circle your hand around him, the other resting against his hip so that maybe he’ll stay in place, not having the patience to start stroking before you take him in your mouth.

The sound Benny makes when your lips close around his cock is far too loud and not loud enough. His breathing audibly speeds up, encouraging you to run your tongue along the underside each time you pull back. Sucking down his cock, you match your movements with those of your hand, creating just the perfect rhythm that has his hips pushing against your other hand. You look up at him, meeting his eyes as you circle his tip with your tongue and he pinches his eyes closed, turning his head back up and cutting off the whine escaping his throat. You swallow around him, and the whine comes back, ending in a high pitch. You do it again. His hand pushes lightly against your shoulder, and you pull off him, sitting back and licking your lips as he meets your eyes.

“I don’t want to finish before we’ve even started.” His words are low, his hand falling back against the side of his coat. You shift your legs on the floor.

“Shame, I want you to.” You smile and bite your lip. “I told you I’d help clean you up and wait after. I’m in no rush.” Benny’s hips jerk forward again.

“Fuck” His eyes flutter shut.

“Can I?” You wait for the sound of his yes before you lick a line from the base to the head, reveling in how little he is holding back this time. Pushing his hips back a little rougher against the door to keep him in his place you earn a moan of your name which has your stomach fluttering and head spinning. One of his hands rest on your shoulder again but isn’t pushing away this time. He lets you decide the speed, albeit with the occasional jerk of his hips as he hisses and braces against the door.

“Fuck, I’-” You feel Benny tensing and look up to see him looking down on you, breathing heavily and clenching his jaw. “Fuck” He slams his head back against the door, hips pushing him further in, and you can feel the vibrations emitting from his chest all the way in the back of your throat as he releases into your mouth. You swallow it down, catching the whimper Benny makes at the feeling it gives his cock.

When you get to your feet, Benny head is hanging so the brim of his hat casts his face in shadow and he’s leaning so heavily against the door you’re not sure he’ll be standing much longer. His breathing is loud in the quiet apartment, and you can’t help the pride growing in the back of your mind. Still breathing heavily, Benny finally lifts his head enough to look at you. You meet his eyes and swipe your tongue over your lips.

His eyes flicker down to follow the movement and he groans, slumping back against the door. You smile triumphantly.

“Let’s get your clothes back on and then I’ll get water.” You help Benny get his pants back on, refastening the buckle. He’s not standing entirely stable, but enough that you can slide his coat down his arms and hang it up, followed by his hat, before you sit him down on a stool right by the door. Having hung up your own coat and switched on the lights you gesture to the kitchen door. “Do you mind?” Benny shakes his head, blond hair falling in his eyes.

You fill two glasses from the tap, throwing a glance at your watch, before returning to him. Handing one to Benny you drink the other, both of you listening to him regaining control over his breathing while you empty the glasses. As you take your last sip you place both on the hallway table and toe off your shoes.

“Want to move out of the hallway?” You hold your hand out to Benny and he’s standing before you’ve had a chance to blink.

You get precisely two steps into Benny’s bedroom before he’s kissing you again. His tongue runs softly against yours, contrasting with the scratch of his beard. He won’t even let you move forward, blocking you with his body until his hands have found their place on your hips, and even then standing stronger than you’d expect from how he looked a minute ago.

Every kiss he chases after you, when you move to the side so does he, when your tongue touches his lips his tongue comes to greet it. It’s overwhelming and intoxicating, his body heat rising and seeping through his button up and your shirt, the warm scent of leather still lingering in the air around him.

Then Benny moves backwards, pulling you with him three quick steps, refusing to let your lips part for even a second, and lets you fall on top of him on his bed.

You pull back, insisting despite his protests. He managed to switch some light on before getting lost in you, letting you full appreciate the shine in his dark eyes when he looks up at you as you brush blond strands out of his eyes. Flittering over you above him, they keep coming back to meet yours, a playful smile on his lips. You lean back down and let him capture your lips again, his hands splaying one on your back, one running up and down your side. Chasing his smile you kiss the corners of his mouth, dipping your tongue in to meet his. It’s like you’ll never run out of places to taste him.

Straightening back up and moving so you’re straddling him, you undo the first buttons of your shirt, but Benny’s hands stop yours, taking over their work with slow precision. He pulls you back down so he can continue kissing you even if it makes it harder for him to get the buttons undone, not that that seems his top priority. Sitting up and sliding the fabric down your arms Benny throws it in some corner of the room, pulling you closer against him by your hips.

“Easy, tiger.” You hum against his lips and Benny laughs a little, shifting further back on the bed and letting you both fall back against the mattress again, arms wrapped securely around your waist.

His necklaces are cool against your skin, but his hands are on fire. They run over your back and sides, up one down the other, and leave nothing but further fires under your skin. Even his rings don’t feel cold as Benny brushes his fingers up your arm to cup your head, tongue skimming your lip but withdrawing whenever you try to catch it.

Pulling back for the first time, Benny looks up at you with a mischievous smile.

“If I had known telling you I like you would lead to this, I would’ve told you already five years ago.”

Not that you’d really been open to anything at that time. Five years ago, and the five that followed, you had been entirely focused on your academics, and the only person you really hung out with had been Benny. He brought his chess books and sat with you in the library while you read up for exams. You’d chat about everything while trying to cram every bit of knowledge into your tired brains. That really only slowed down once you graduated, the hyper-focus on reading every book and spending hours writing notes over bad coffee.

“Do you want to like” You look up at the head pillows laying vertically to your bodies, and Benny starts laughing, luring you into doing the same. “move up?”

“Sure” He lets go of you so you can both get higher on the bed, but the second you’re close enough Benny pulls you back over him. “Better?”

“Much, thank you.” You smile and lean down halfway. Amused you watch Benny push up to meet you, hungry lips convincing you to push him back down into the mattress.

You can’t help the occasional shifting of your hips against his, underwear pushing against the friction of jeans below your skirt. His hands skim the hem of it, but never ventures below it, favoring to run up to your hips and draw you closer.

Running his hands up your back to hold you against him, Benny rolls you over onto your back. Settling between your legs, he braces one arm above you while the other cups the side of your head, lifting just enough for your lips to reach his.

“You know, for later, we’re still on your bed.” You remind him before kissing the corner of his mouth. Benny’s lips quirk and he follows you back down against the pillow.

“I know.” He runs his nose along the side of your neck, the chains around his sliding against your skin. Warm cotton and leather surround you, and this might actually be heaven.

Pushing back a bit Benny reaches up to undo his green button up but stops when you give him a look.

“Isn’t it my turn now?”

Benny lets go off the button and shows his hands, dropping them to your hips as you reach up, undoing the first button before pulling him down by his collar. His smile meets yours, and it only gets bigger for every button, as the release of each is met with the same celebration.

When there are no more buttons to open you slide the fabric out from his pants and down his bare arms. Holding the shirt out in one hand you look at Benny, whose eyes are locked on yours, his lips kiss-bruised.

“Does this have to be folded on a chair” You tilt your head. “or can I just throw it?”

“Throw it.” His eyes sparkle, his voice hitting a little lower and sending vibrations where your body is touching his.

The green fabric flutters to rest at the far end corner of the bed in your peripheral vision. You weren’t really looking where you were throwing.

“It didn’t even get off the bed.” You speak very seriously, as if it was a grave matter, but you’re absorbed by Benny, whose eyes are as stuck in yours as yours are in his. “If you want it off, you’ll have to throw it yourself.”

His arms shift above you, and without moving away from you or breaking eye contact Benny kicks the shirt, sending it tumbling of the edge with a soft thud as it hits the floor. You push your hips up against his, the hilt of the knife at his belt pressing against the inside of your thigh. Benny’s hips thrust back against yours and he lowers down to brush his lips against yours before devouring you again. Your thighs slide against his bare skin, and he reaches back to hook them further over his hips, swiping his tongue along yours. When Benny pulls back slightly the sound he makes fills the room, bouncing off the walls. The end of it mixes with the sigh of his name pulled from your lips as he dips the tip of his tongue into the corner of your mouth.

“Think we’ll wake the neighbors?” You lift off the bed to chase after him, not giving him a chance to reply, pushing him over onto his back. His hips shift against yours as he settles into the mattress.

“The walls are thicker than the door.” He looks up at you straddling him, his lips quirking up into a smile, blond hair falling over his eyes again. Satisfied with his answer you lower your body back down over his, occupying his mouth with yours again.

From slow, insistent kisses where Benny’s tongue runs against yours, you move to kiss the corners of his lips, his cheeks, the bridge of his nose, his forehead, and his eyelids as he closes his eyes. Continuing down his chin, alternatingly placing kisses on either side of his neck, and one at the dip at the base of his throat, passing over his chains, you shift back to trail down the right side of his chest. As your lips touch between navel and the top of his jeans, brushing along the fabric, Benny touches the side of your head.

“Don’t you dare do it again.” His tone is light and teasing, with just an edge of breathlessness and seriousness.

You move up to kiss his left hip and his hand falls back onto the mattress.

“I won’t.”

You trail back up Benny’s irregularly moving chest, out his right upper arm, and lift his hand. Pressing two more soft kisses to his inner forearm, you place one in the middle of his palm and one to the tip of each finger, before beginning again at his sternum and doing the same to his left arm.

Raising back up you push Benny’s hair from his eyes, inviting the light to dance with the sparks already in them.

“Benny Watts, you are a drug.” You smile a little breathlessly and shake your head down at him. The corners of Benny’s mouth start to raise, and he quickly swipes his tongue up to pull down his upper lip and bites down on his lower.

His attempts fail and when you kiss Benny, he’s beaming, a satisfied sound emitting from the chest pressed against yours. His heartbeats translate through your ribcage and your sentiment is repeated in your mind with a flutter in your stomach.

Ringed hands shift from your hips to your back to hold you closer against him. Somehow, you’ve forgotten Benny’s knife because you can’t even feel it at this point. You only feel the friction of his body against your, the pull of his lips.

“You should be in prison.” His tongue swipes into your mouth at that, stalling your continuation with a dizzying taste. “You should be in jail, and I should be in the same cell with you.” The vibrations of Benny’s laugh and twist of his lips reach your senses at the same time as the push of his hips. Combined they’re enough to make you say his name against his lips, repeating it when he does it again.

Lifting off the mattress Benny’s hands holds your hips down against his as he sits up, lips running down the side of your neck when they slip from yours. The scratches against your skin turn into fire running through your veins, out into your arms and fingertips as you run them over his bare shoulders, along the chains around his neck. You barely hear the sound of your name slip from his tongue against the crook of your shoulder, before Benny turns to make you fall first back into the mattress.

Benny’s hands run from your hips to the hem of your skirt, warm fingers tracing bare skin. You lift your hips against his and he pulls back, but only after sucking your lip into his mouth, swiping it with his tongue.

“Want me to get it off?”

“It’s mostly in the way at this point.” Having gotten his answer, Benny eases the skirt down, letting you lift your hips and moving so he’s not in the way. When it’s all the way off he throws the fabric the same way as your shirt, or maybe the opposite. You can’t remember.

Leaning back over you Benny brushes his lips against yours, meeting you when you arch up against him, then lets himself kiss you fully again. His hips push yours down into the mattress before he pulls them back up towards him. You roll back against him, crossing your legs behind Benny’s back, and he hisses against your lips. The sound of you saying his name causes the grind of his hips to stutter, restart, a low sound resonating in his chest, sending its aftershocks through your body as his hands squeeze your thighs a little harder.

One moves to skim the inside of your knee, hot fingers with warm rings running over equally heated skin. When it reaches the junction of your thigh and hip it slides up along the edge of your underwear and then drops beside your side to support his weight as Benny brings his other hand to hover between your legs and pulls away from your lips.

“Can I?” His dark eyes shimmer.

“Yes.” Since you can’t hear your own voice over the increased speed of your heartbeat you repeat it twice, catching the way Benny’s tongue darts out over his bottom lip as his eyes flicker down.

He runs his knuckles down the slick, wet fabric. You think you hear a breathed-out curse but are distracted when fingertips retrace the same path with just enough pressure to make your hips roll against them. The feeling is dizzying, your breathing skips. Benny’s dark eyes flick back up to yours. Then he does it again, sending sparks where the pads of his fingers almost touch you. Your eyes almost flutter at the way he looks at you when your breathing stops again to become what might have been a curse, or his name, or the curse of his name. The last one in particular feels likely as the sound twists and grows louder, and Benny’s eyes are locked on yours.

Pressing back into his bed you roll your hips against his, his hands planted back on either side of you as he lowers back down to press starved kisses to your mouth. Hips lift off yours, only to change their mind and push back down, accompanied by a curse against the corner of your lips. When Benny’s bottom lip slides against yours, you pull it into your mouth and lightly push down your teeth into it. His left arm buckles as you swallow the sound of his groan.

With little effort you coax Benny onto his back. He willingly falls down onto the pillow, rings sliding against your back as he tries to entice you into press against him. His fingers trail down, skimming along the edge of your underwear until they reach the front, barely touching the waistband, eyes flicking up to yours.

You give permission before Benny even has a chance to open his mouth.

The pads of his fingers push past the fabric, running softly your body until your breathing hitches as they lightly slip over your clit. You resist the urge to close your legs around his hand but can’t help the way your breathing audibly increases when it moves further down. Bare skin slides against your wet folds, stroking up and down; the movement slow and deliberate, and far too good for you hold it out for much longer.

You make a sound.

“Explain Closed Sicilian to me.” Your voice is strained, and you are trying very hard to not focus on every slight change in pressure Benny is subjecting you to right now. Another noise slips out and you bury your face against his chest, rolling your hips involuntarily against his hand. “Please, please explain it to me.”

“Now?” Benny’s other hand pushes against your hip.

“If you don’t, I’m going to come, and I’ve waited this long so I’d rather you didn’t do that before you’re actually inside me.” You lift your head to look up at him, quickly adding “Then again, you talking about that is just going to make it worse, so maybe don’t.” You did not need his eyes lighting up and his confidence going thrice its size because he was talking about something he really, really liked. That was bound to make your situation become much better and much worse really quick.

Benny looks like he’s about to protest before making a face and withdrawing his hand.

“Alright, fine.” He rolls you onto your back and kisses you hard, raising his hips as much as possible but keeping you down with his chest.

Letting you up to breathe Benny’s hands go to his belt, pulling it fully out of the loops this time. He catches the handle off his knife as it slides off the leather and off-handedly places it down on your stomach so he can roll the leather around his hand.

You must have done something as the sheath fell flat or as your eyes shifted up and back down again because Benny’s eyes flick from the belt in his hands to your eyes and then he smiles.

“Don’t tell me you’ve got a thing for knives too.” He teases.

“Listen” You’re a little too breathless for any type of denying being at all believable and it’s visible in Benny’s eyes how little he would actually believe you if you tried. “Messing with that takes practice and discussions, so let’s put a pin in that. I like seeing you get off, let’s leave it at that for now.”

He tilts his head like ‘fair enough’, finishes rolling up his belt and puts both that and the knife out of view to your left.

You reach up to brush Benny’s hair to the side where it’s over his eyes again, letting your fingers linger just above his ear. There’s something very recognizable about the slight way his eyes move at the gesture.

“Do you- like having your hair pulled?” You ask tentatively, and when Benny doesn’t answer right away you continue “You don’t have to say yes.”

It takes a second longer, and you start to pull your hand away before he shifts his eyes away and rolls his shoulders.

“So what if I do?” Benny glances back at you.

“I’ll tell you what” You smile encouraging, guiding the topic to focus on yourself instead to make him more comfortable. “you’d be in good hands; I like it both ways.” Benny visibly relaxes but you don’t move your hand back, favoring to slide it along his jaw to stop below his lower lip.

Softly tilting his head down, you give the slightest pressure. He follows down to peck your lips before drawing back to meet look at you again, hands rubbing reassuringly over your thighs. The pad of your thumb rests against Benny’s bottom lip, and you tilt your head, trying to read out the thoughts that form and disperse behind his eyes. The corner of his lip quirks up and he dips his head down to catch the finger in his mouth. The flat of his tongue maps your fingerprint, a teasing glint in his eyes.

You make a noise, shooting him a glare as he looks far too smug when you pull your hand back to press it against his back instead. The expression doesn’t leave his lips when you push his side to get him down, as a matter of fact he looks offensively at home against his pillow, shuffling further into it before beaming up at you again. Unable to stop yourself you scoff, trying to look annoyed but failing spectacularly.

“Think you’re ready to go again, if you want to?” You look at your watch, pinching the face of the clock to keep it so you can read the time. “It’s been an hour.”

“You still have your watch on?” Benny reaches up to pull your arm down so he can look at it.

You laugh.

“Well, you didn’t take it off me.” You let him turn your hand over, undoing the watch and looking at it for a second before handing it to you. Leaning over him you put it on the empty nightstand to your left.

“I’m so glad you’ve got two nightstands.” You hum, leaning back to resettle over his hips.

Thinking for a second, Benny makes a face, a mixture between a frown and scrunching up his face.

“It doesn’t make sense to only have one nightstand.” He states, eyes flicking back to yours. Smiling at his answer you bend down to peck his lips.

“That’s what I like about you, Benny Watts. Things can’t just be for you; they have to make sense.” Continuing in the same light tone you add “I might even go as far as to say I love you.”

“Woah, you’re just gonna show your hand like that?” Benny mimics shock, before smiling, his hands rubbing your hips reassuringly. “Throw the whole game?” You snort a little, moving your eyes to the wall, schooling your expression to be serious.

“As if you didn’t show your hand back at the bar.” You tilt your head exaggerated, pretend thought. “And earlier, now that you mention it.”

“I said liked.” Just like you, Benny is pressing his lips together to prevent himself from laughing, and even then, a smile cracks through.

“I’ll give you that, you did say like.”

Benny pulls you down, kissing you with a smile. Letting yourself sink into it you push down against him, swallowing the sound he makes and feeling his heart beating through his chest. His hands pull your hips closer to his to repeat the motion. His breathing increases as you do it infinitely slower this time, feeling you press against him, although you can’t say you are doing any better.

“Ready?” You laugh breathlessly and Benny groans, pushing his head back into the pillows.

“I was ready half an hour ago.”

“Well, good sex takes preparation. And this is going to be good.” Straightening up you putting the base of your hand on Benny’s chest, holding your index in front of his face to shush him. “No, no, it’s going to be, because I’ll make it so.”

Instead of arguing, with sparkling eyes Benny favors to bend his head forward and close his mouth around your finger, sucking while you talk. His tongue swirls around the digit and the corner of his lips quirk up when you make a sound, mind drifting before you catch it.

“Asshole.” Benny’s eyes light up mischievously at that, and when you pull your hand back, he raises his eyebrows.

“Oh you wan-?”

You cut him off.

“Shut up.” The bed shakes with Benny’s laughter, and you roll your eyes, shaking your head at him. He’s really having too much fun.

When his laughter calms down, Benny looks at you for a second before sitting up.

“Come on”

He nudges you sideways until you get the hint and get off him, letting him get off the bed. Benny offers his hand to pull you up after him. When you’re both on your feet he turns back and in one quick motion rips off the covers, throwing the corner to the middle so the bed is folded half-open diagonally but not all the way down.

You’re just letting your underwear drop onto the floor when Benny turns back around, and he catches up with you in the time it takes you to blink. He holds his hand out again, pulling you with him backwards.

Jut before his legs hit the bed Benny sidesteps, pulling you down first onto the bed and following, catching himself on his arm so he doesn’t fall directly on top of you.

Settling between your legs, Benny tilts his head with a cheeky smile.

“Comfortable now?”

You make a show of settling into the pillow, trying to divert his attention from the way you pull air deep into your lungs. It’s in the pillow, the sheets, the air vibrating around you with tension, but most of all it’s above you, radiating from him. The warm, slightly sweet, smell of clean cotton shirts pulled from the tumbler, a bed slept in until well past noon, and sun-heated leather in the first days of summer.

“Yes.” You smile up at him.

“Good.” Benny lowers down over you and presses his lips to yours, tongue running over your lip once before slipping into your mouth. You hum while he pulls protection from a drawer of one of the nightstands above your field of vision and pulls it on.

Fingers skim lightly over the wetness gathered between your legs, and then Benny pushes into you. It sends lightning through your stomach, sliding slowly, almost torturously, against sensitive nerve endings. His breath is slow and controlled, albeit a bit wavering. Solid warmth spreads from his body into yours and your body clenches involuntarily around him when he stills, breath warming the side of your neck. Your hands run up his sides to find purchase.

“You’re gonna mark me?” You ask the ceiling and Benny shifts, running his nose against your throat and giving you chills.

“You want me to?” His hips pull back slightly, and you close your eyes at the slow drag of his cock against your inner walls. As Benny pushes back in, one hand disappears from beside you, moving your hand from his back to his hair. Sparks dance up your spine when he thrusts a little quicker, igniting you both like a match against a striking surface. Benny makes a sound in the back of his throat before kissing you again.

Carding your fingers through his hair near his scalp you pull lightly. The way his hips jerk forward has you arching against him, moan mixing with his. Tension builds in your stomach and if the room was hot before it is blazing now. Benny presses against you, overwhelming and perfect, filling you. Your hips lift off the bed to meet his, legs crossed behind his back to pull him closer. The drag of his abdomen against you in just the right place has you whining against his lips. His next thrust is faster, causing your body to clench down, approaching the edge fast.

“I’ve waited this long to fuck a master; you better not make this be over quick.” Your hips arch against his despite your breathless words.

“You call an hour and a half quick?” Benny asks in disbelief, but the roll of his hips slows to delightfully slow, burning pulls. He closes his eyes, breathing becomes deliberately slowed. “I’m not going to last long no matter how slow I go.”

“That’s okay, neither am I.” You quirk the corner of your lip as Benny opens his eyes again and pull him back down to your lips. Trying to starve of your orgasm you focus on tasting every corner of his mouth. It seems to have the opposite effect on Benny, as he whines and his hips stutter. One of his arms buckle and you pull your hand free to direct his to your hair before going back to his.

The first slow drag releases a satisfied noise from you, and the slight sting of the next sends a thrill down your body, connecting with where Benny’s cock pushes into you. He slides his tongue against yours, pulling your head close to his.

“Fuck” The word falls from both of your mouths as your fingers pulls the blond strands they’re tangled in, and Benny’s hips jerk forward. You push your hand against his lower back to push him down, deeper, and he pulls your hips up with his free hand, grinding against you. His eyes glitter with pride when you arch, pressing your head into the pillow, mouth falling open.

Unsatisfied, Benny slows even further, changing thrusts for slow grinds, watching you trying to make a sound with a smile, heels pressing into his lower back. Your eyes flutter, trying desperately to stay open, pleasure coursing through you in unrelenting waves. Meeting his eyes, you jerk your hand a little harder in Benny’s hair, and the sound he produces almost has you falling.

His hand pushes between your bodies as he moves faster again. The pleasure is hot and fast, and as Benny pulls your lips to his it explodes, fire shooting through your veins in search of oxygen and shaking your entire body. He swallows the cries of his name falling from your lips, but then his hips stutter and slipping from your lips he repays the praise. It’s loud, it’s messy, and it’s so fucking hot.

Benny drops his head in the crook of your neck, weakly trying to hold himself up. Your chest pushes against his until both your accelerated breathing reaches the same rhythm. There is pleasant ache starting to make itself known, one you’re sure you’ll be feeling tomorrow, and perhaps the day after that.

Softly you push Benny over and he lets himself be rolled onto his back, still inside you. Head landing on the pillow he takes a few more breaths before his eyes pop open. When they meet yours there is a content smile on his lips, with only a hint of unsedated hunger still visible in his dark eyes. He reaches forward to meet your smiling kiss and lets you pull off him and roll onto the mattress beside him.

After a few seconds of just the sound for your breathing your voice comes alive again.

“I hope we didn’t wake anyone.”

Benny starts laughing, breathlessly and beautifully, and you scrunch your nose playfully at him.

“I hope we did.” He looks at you, eyes brilliant, and adds in a more serious tone. “I think they’re all asleep so they can get up at a reasonable hour tomorrow.”

You reach over and pull your watch from the nightstand.

“Two isn’t a reasonable hour to be up?” Benny snorts a laugh at your fake naiveté as you settle back into the bed.

There’s a few more seconds of silence before he talks again.

“I still only made you come once.” Benny looks at you, eyes flicking down to your lips and back up; the hunger more than unsated now.

“That’s okay” You smile teasingly. “I wouldn’t expect you to, you did all the hard work.”

Benny doesn’t find an answer to that, but you have a feeling neither of you think two is very late at all.

#I fucking called the watch thing I'm so proud!#I'm glad the internet agrees that Benny has both bi and switch energy #benny watts #benny watts x reader #the queen's gambit

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