#because i've only had the first shot of the vaccine

[acidh2otoby]

Can't Let You Go

Carlos Oliveira x Male!Reader

Warnings: Injury, death, angst

Won 2nd place from this post.

You didn't expect to spend almost four days trying to survive and escape a zombie infested city but that's what happened. You were a U.B.C.S. soldier and your platoon was sent in to save people but that didn't work out. As far as you were concerned, the only people alive were you, Carlos, Tyrell, Jill, and Nicholai.

You and Carlos had started dating a few months back but kept it completely secret due to most people still not being the most supportive of gay people. The confession and dates and such were done in the privacy of either yours or Carlos' apartments. You loved Carlos to death and would do anything for him and you knew he'd do the same, even if you weren't dating.

Carlos had informed you and Tyrell about what he found in Nathaniel Bard's office in the hospital and wanted one of you to go with him and one of you to stay with Jill. You decided to go with Carlos since Tyrell looked like he could use the break. That was unfortunately the last time you both saw Tyrell.

The underground lab was full of zombies but you both managed but ended up nowhere near getting a vaccine or anything. You both found yourselves helping Jill fight the monster Nemesis from a control panel. Then chasing down Nicholai since he stole the vaccine Jill made and was about to leave the three of you to die.

Carlos had gotten to him first and put up a fight but Nicholai managed to get the upper hand and knocked Carlos out. You tried to attack him with your knife but that also didn't work out. Nicholai shot you in the abdomen, you fell backwards and tried to stop the bleeding by forcefully holding the bullet wound.

Your hearing and vision became somewhat of a blur and you heard a few gunshots near you until you felt someone grab you and hold you. The person held you tight and was saying something but couldn't hear it at first. Your vision cleared a bit and you saw Carlos, he looked scared and a little tired.

"Hey, (Y/N). Can you hear me?" Carlos asked, cupping your face.

You nodded before coughing up some blood, Carlos put some pressure on the wound once he saw where it was.

"Listen, you're gonna be okay. I'm... I'm gonna get you out of here, I'll take you to a hospital and everything will be okay." Carlos said, his voice becoming shaky.

"Carlos..." You muttered, knowing that none of that was gonna happen. "Stop lying..."

"I'm not. Come on, I've gotta--" Carlos tried to pick you up.

"No, just go." You said, pushing Carlos away a little.

"I'm not leaving you here." Carlos said, still trying to pick you up.

"Carlos, there isn't time." You said before coughing again. "Just go, please."

Carlos began to protest again but you stopped him by kissing him, making his full attention go to you.

"I love you, but I'd love you more if you'd go and find someone better for you." You said, trying to smile.

Carlos shook his head before Jill grabbed him and started pulling him away. Carlos kept saying stuff but you were too tired to listen or watch.

Things went silent after the helicopter left, it was just you all alone. You didn't know where Nicholai went off to but because of how silent it was, you were assuming he died or managed to get away. The sun was starting to rise and you had just enough strength to find where the sun was and watch it rise before nothing. No more pain, no light, no sound, nothing.

You were gone.

Carlos and Jill were still in the helicopter but had found a place to land and stay for a little. They had been quiet since landing but they both knew why. Jill was the first one to even say anything.

"I'm sorry." Jill said before sighing. "I'm sorry for everything."

"It isn't your fault. It'd be one thing if you made the virus but you didn't." Carlos replied, he wasn't the same since he left.

"That (Y/N) guy, he a good friend of yours?" Jill asked, she didn't see much of you except at the end.

Carlos was just about to say "Yes" but stopped himself and decided to just be honest. "A little more than friends. We, uh... we were boyfriends." Carlos said, avoiding eye contact with Jill.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know." Jill said, she sounded like she was about to cry.

"No one knew. We kept it a secret because we didn't wanna risk either one of us getting hurt." Carlos said, shrugging a little.

Jill didn't say anything after that, she felt terrible about everything. Carlos was grieving in a silent way but he was still upset. He didn't know how he could move on, or even if he could.

#gay #resident evil #male reader #carlos oliveira

[hopefull-mindset]

Hello this is my main for @/dazai-on-my-mind I was going through your abuse post (have yet to finish it so forgive me if you've discussed this already) what are your theories for what lies under Dazai's bandages? The main fan theories that I've seen so far is that they're either covering self inflicted injuries or Mori experimented on Dazai at times during his Port Mafia days but again coming from your abuse post this theory seems highly unlikely. So I was wondering if you had any thoughts about that.

Hello! Sorry this took a bit. I saw your other ask, so I'll try to get to that. It's absolutely fine you haven't finished it. I'm personally surprised at how long it is myself. I actually haven't talked about what is under Dazai’s bandages, so sure! I also have some brief thoughts on the bandages itself.

(Edit: that was not brief, it turns out I had a lot of thoughts)

It's an average topic with this fandom, so I don't know how much I can add really!

We do know he has scars from what Oda said in Dark Era:

And we also get this tidbit from Harukawa talking about designing Dazai:

The special thing about this series was that apart from the settings from Asagiri, the characters probably should have certain aspects of the authors they were based on, but I tried to draw them based on the character settings first when doing up the initial drafts. […] For Dazai, I wrapped him up in bandages because of his suicide mania, and took note with other items.

—Harukawa35, Behind The Scenes of The Character Design!

Of course, the intent behind what the bandages are and what is behind them can change over time when they get to know their own characters better! They look like they're implying two different things, but I'd argue it's the exact same thing, even if they come from different places.

Out of all the assumptions, what's under there is probably scars he gained while throwing his life away in the face of danger, even when he doesn't need to. It's no different than the average suicide attempt by him. I wonder if he has a scar from the Old Boss’s scythe, that'd be sick. This is what sounds most likely to me, but I’ll entertain other ideas for the sake of it being too short of a note to end on.

You can obviously tell I don’t dig the idea of Mori committing medical malpractice. Not only is that an insane idea to come by, how does he even benefit from that thought process? The only type of stuff happening is Mori forcing him to take his vaccinations and taking drugs Dazai got from his medicine cabinet out of his young hands. I also think people think this way because of what he said about Mori telling him the shots won't hurt in The Day I Picked Up Dazai Side A.

A doctor is telling a child his shots won't hurt… ??? Sounds pretty normal.

I know people won't like it when I say this, but that was typical teenage Dazai childishness. He does genuinely not like pain of course, so it could be that he's overexaggerating because that's what it felt like to him haha. That scene is meant to be comedic, so this sentiment shouldn't be that serious in context. It's not like this is idk Black Butler.

I remember in Side B that Dazai says pain is what reminds you that you're alive. Maybe that's why he doesn't like it, even if he was a torture specialist. To understand death, you have to understand what it is to be alive because life is both of those things. Dazai prefers the state of being dead rather than the process, but also thinks the attempt is easier than actually committing. Dear god, your commitment issues don't need to go this far.

As for self-harm, it's pretty 50/50 with enough arguments on both sides to make a case. Dazai doesn’t like pain, but people don't usually do it because they like the feeling of the pain itself. They could do it to punish themselves, the feeling of it afterward, etc. I think Dazai putting himself in those situations like I mentioned earlier counts enough as self-harm (you can even count his implicit drinking habits too if you'd like), but this specifically on what I know you mean just depends on whether you think Dazai would do so.

I can't imagine it from Dazai, but if people think so, there's nothing stopping them from it. There's nothing implying he wouldn't, suicidal people don't always resort to this. I’m personally just tired of people using it for their whump narratives, in all fandoms actually.

I don’t care much for it if that’s what they’d like to do because I understand, but it’s not something I like being depicted in weirdly graphic detail for no reason other than the character to suffer. Besides that, there no harm in it. I don’t want to get all “you shouldn’t write this stuff because I said so”, that’s stupid.

(-150 points if it’s for white knighting ship content)

Now I hope you don’t mind me rambling off a bit! It’s been on my mind since last week to talk about the bandages.

Symbolically, the bandages can mean a couple things. All very similar things haha. It’s like what Chuuya’s gloves are to him and how personal it is to take them off outside of Corruption, or how he said he used to put his hands in his pockets because he wanted to protect his humanity while fighting.

Core things they can mean are:

A thin barrier to separate and hide himself from others (including from himself)

To minimize skin contact from his ability aka himself (not as literal as it sounds)

Abilities in Bungou Stray Dogs are apart of the user. No matter if you move your ability on to your child (Kyouka and her Mother), have it be mutilated into something unrecognizable (Verlaine, Chuuya), or to naturally be imbedded into you, you cannot separate it from your humanity. It’s still you, as Atsushi had to eventually accept this fact.

You can say a lot about the nature of abilities and 55 Minutes made some worrying discussion points about Abilities that I wish were touched on more by others, but let’s go with first thought process because it’s the one Asagiri let’s us off easy with.

No Longer Human, as Asagiri told us, is based off of the feeling he got when reading Dazai Osamu’s writing. Functionally, his ability is a bit horrifying to me as something born from himself. Maybe I just overreact, but when you translate what his ability mean functionally against every ability user we know, you can come up with interesting conclusions.

It’s not like how Atsushi can cut through abilities as a Tiger as I’m sure that was meant to imply something about his psychological breakthrough and combating other’s soul born abilities with his own. Dazai just straight up takes away other’s abilities. As long as he’s touching you, you have become a victim to his soul’s vacuum of searching for humanity or lack there of.

That’s not to say others who don’t have abilities aren’t human, I think the difference is that ability users are forced to put a part of their humanity up for show and scrutiny, which makes them appear inhuman to the average human being. Dazai is as paradoxical as his own ability. He’s functionally the average human being, but he also lacks something… human when you put him up against another ability user.

Sorta this middle ground in what to think and how he also tends to be. When I read No Longer Human, it popped out to me too often that Yozo Oba was incredibly human while putting himself in this position of inhumanity.

When Dazai’s ability is in effect, he takes away a piece of your humanity, making your less than who you were before. So when Dazai covers skin with his bandages, he’s covering up the metaphorical cavity that is his ability and inhumanity. When the bandages starts going everything when he’s using his ability, he’s swallowing that piece whole and embracing you falling to his level.

Am I overanalyzing a stylistic choice that usually only appears in official art? Yes, but it’s fun.

You can tell I skipped the first one, but that’s because it has to do with an example that’s been the reason I keep thinking about this and it sounded more fun to talk about. In the Onsen CD Drama, there’s two scenes I want to put emphasis one.

The first one being when Dazai says that they’re all getting closer because of them being in the hot spring, but Kunikida calls out the fact he’s still wearing his bandages. I could’ve passed it off as being not that significant because it’s a joke scene if it weren’t for the next one.

Atsushi wanted to wash Dazai’s back since Kunikida had been occupied and he wanted to help them like they did for him, but Dazai had already walked away. Later when they’re still awake while the others had slept, Atsushi tries again and actually gets the opportunity to do it. Only problem, Dazai still has his bandages on. Dazai just tells him it’s okay and to scrub anyway.

This made me feel… how do I say this… speechless? Not because Dazai was entirely insistent on them being apart of his body like the troll he is, but because of the simultaneous intimacy of the act and abruption of it with the bandages. You can pass it off as a running joke, but we both know Dazai absolutely heard Atsushi thank him and avoided that confrontation by playing it off as being sleepy.

I’ve said this a couple times to people I’ve talked to before, but Dazai is the type of guy who you would talk to every day, invite you everywhere, and always go out with a lot of people, but if you were to be asked what you personally know about him, you’d be able to say nothing but surface level stuff everyone knows.

With anyone and everyone, there’s always this level of personal separation between them and Dazai, and they know it. Even if you are closer to him like Oda and Chuuya are and Dazai had willing shared stuff usually wouldn’t (mind you, it took Mimic for Dazai to share more about himself to Oda and Ango), he doesn’t let himself be that vulnerable or let himself go.

I’m arguing that the bandage are a more literal barrier between him and the world. Either to protect himself or to protect others from what they’ll realize about him. He hides himself because of what he is…or something like that at least, I don’t know what goes though his head. Im still trying to figure out his perception on things thoroughly and if he really cares about it.

The eye bandage has been talked to death by now. Yes yes, Dazai left his eye covered for depth perception in the dark and Oda uncovering it for him to see the light as well. We all know it. Still, I think it’s quite meaningful that when he’s finally having an heart-to-heart with Odasaku, he’s the one to open up that bandage. It doesn’t fix everything, but he’s been opened up to that possibility.

For Beast, Dazai having a bandage on the other eye can be seen as a misguided attempt of seeing everything with Oda in mind by seeing it all in the eye he uncovered, but still needing to cover the other to guide himself in the dark. He’s also a mirror image of the original Dazai if you’d like to see it like that.

In Side B, Dazai covers his whole face up. Ironically, while I called the bandages on his body a cover up for his inhumanity, the face bandages cover up his emotions, suppressant of himself. Dazai is not typically that emotional, but Side B Dazai is going through a lot when it comes to Odasaku… so while he’s covering his face to hide it from Oda, he is also hiding the overwhelming feelings he has.

In the ending of Side B where he takes off the dirty bandages, he’s so wracked with emotion he almost fails himself in his plans, and presumably forces himself to cover up his one eye again. When he falls to his death in the ending of Beast, bandages fall when he’s able to let himself go.

In the manga, Hoshikawa was evil and drew the bandages falling into Oda’s hands. Let’s say… they’re a symbol of his protect of Oda and remembrance of the scene where Oda pulls them off. You can even say they where still taken off with Oda’s influence!

OKAY ENOUGH, I’m talking you ears off. It seems I like the sound of my own voice and wanted to share as much as I could.

#/ discussion of self harm #bsd #bungou stray dogs #dazai osamu #bsd meta #bsd analysis #bsd beast #me writing this post: Dazai’s bandages mean *throws dart* …..*squints* the protection of his own disappointment against the face of the #world’s predictability and in turn being…? #okay let’s start over.. *picks up another dart*

[treeshroudrelic]

Eggman's decision to not make a vaccine for the metal Virus beforehand or to test it more before unleashing it was good writing and makes perfect sense. His shortsightedness is a feature, not a bug.

Reading IDW for the first time thoroughly in 2023 is interesting cause I've heard that the scene below is commonly seen as bad writing which would seem so at first glance (I admit, I sometimes think so too) but it actually makes perfect sense and is brilliantly honest writing.

Eggman not having a vaccine to the Metal Virus and his solution to not getting infected is basically "just don't touch the zombots, forehead", does make him look incredibly shortsighted in contrast to Starline who is thinking of all the very probable ways they (Eggman and Starline) could get infected but these suggestions just get shot down as "nitpicking".

But here's the thing: Eggman's carelessness makes sense cause he's the idiot who decided that drowning the world in a horrific bio-mechanical weapon was a notion even worth entertaining.

It is utterly cruel, baseless barbarity, which is what Eggman is going for. That's why he took note to target the village that took him in when he was amnesiac.

Of course he wasn't gonna have a vaccine, the idea that anyone could be cured of being made his robot underling is something he refuses to entertain. Of course his solution was not to touch the Zombots, he sees himself as utterly above everyone else and thus the only person who deserves to retain his body and mind, why would he deign to even touch those below him?

Eggman's carelessness here isn't a bug, it's a feature.

It's also incredibly telling that Starline had absolutely no objections to the Metal Virus until he realized that HE could catch it. All these questions that he's asking Eggman about the safety of the virus were stuff that he should've been asking (both Eggman and himself) when he was first made aware of the project. Even after this argument he doesn't think to stop the virus because it's an evil blight that should never have been, but instead decides that it just needs to be pointed at the "right people", aka not him and Eggman, and enlisted the Deadly Six to try and control the virus for them via controlling them.

And of course, said plan failed and the Deadly Six took free rein of the Zombots, because you can't find a way to "sensibly" and "logically" rob the world's population of their bodily autonomy via bio-mechanical viral warfare. That's an oxymoron. Starline failed cause he refused to be a good person and try to eradicate or at least contain the virus. That's why the Super Sonic/Super Silver/Warp Topaz plan worked (yes, Eggman didn't pitch the plan on moral grounds either but at least he finally decided that the virus had to go, baby steps that he retraces).

Evil is inherently stupid, and there's no way to create a logical and sensible evil. Eggman and Starline are both incredibly intelligent scientists who are also deeply profoundly stupid, and that stupidity is inextricably linked to them being evil. Because being evil is for morons.

That's why the last panel in the page is Sonic making fun of them both. Cause they are idiots who suck and should feel stupid for thinking that using the metal virus was worth anything on a moral level.

#idw sonic spoilers #my ramblings #my meta #metal virus arc #dr starline #dr eggman #sonic the hedgehog #idw sonic #metal virus arc meta #long post

[withlovefromsimtown]

A Not-So-Short Update

The last time I posted about my life was some sad news, so let's talk about how I've been moving forward from that point.

All the zoo went to the vet in March because of a bacterial respiratory infection. We probably picked it up from one of the very frequent vet visits with the 2 chronically ill cats before they both passed. Only 2 of the remaining animals actually had the respiratory infection per bloodwork; everyone got preventative shots, & everyone is doing GREAT.

In the same vetting round, I got everyone up on their yearly vaccinations. It was close enough to that time that I didn't want to drag everyone back again.

One of the cats got a little sneezy & wheezy again last month. She did not have a contagious variant & aside from being VERY ANGY at me for shoving her into a transportation prison & dragging her to the vet for round 2, she's doing great again now.

My family has been over at my house like 1-2 times a week pretty consistently.

I planted flowers.

I've been slowly rewatching the 1990s Trigun with my friend, it's still SO GOOD & I love so much sharing things with people. Especially when people are experiencing things I love for the first time, it's like seeing it again for the first time myself. <3

My kitchen light died. It had nothing to do with the lightbulbs. My dad helped me fix it.

My plumbing broke & I spent somewhere around $3700-$3800 total in diagnosis & repairs. I am not mathing right now. It was in the drainpiping, not cosmetic, & I still have to put a section of wall back from that "adventure" when I feel up to it.

The plumbing issues are FINANCED to a point where they are...ultimately manageable with very minimal damage to my daily life. Ask me about how to game the US credit system, sometime.

I feel like this is a good point to mention my Ko-fi . Although I've got it fine on my own & I don't expect anything from anyone, literally anything helps ease the burden a bit if anyone out there has anything to spare. This has no effect At All on whether or not I make anything Sims-related. The break has nothing to do with my financial situation.

My dad has offered to help me do some cosmetic repairs to the bathrooms (he's paying for new sink handles as an advance on my birthday present but it's super helpful).

I potted some new veggies; my dad got the first ripe pepper off the red poblano plant tonight & I'll have the other ripe one the next time I make an omelette. The squashes are working their ass off, the tomato hasn't flowered yet, & I'm keeping an eye on my bell peppers because they're getting around.

Due to a series of events my former gym has a) changed management & b) owed me like 6 months of membership, so I have that prepaid & going forward for me, I'm back at the gym 3-4 days a week, which has been helpful both mentally & physically.

The lawnmower is repaired, the weedwhacker is charging, the lawn isn't 6 feet high, & most of the jungle is cleared from around the sheds.

Jury's still out on the pressure washer being functional ever again but we'll cross that bridge when I feel like rewiring a power cord with a shutoff switch.

I steam-cleaned all the carpet upstairs.

I replaced my bedframe & have been working on the spareroom/guestroom again (it doubles as storage & sleepytimes, it's not like... rentable, or there for income... it's just a place for friends to sleep that's comfy & full of cattes.)

I got almost all my laundry done & put away. Everything that's not on my ass right now is clean & either dry or drying.

#not sims related #personal stuff

[fandomdaydreamer]

TLoU fanfic plot givaway

Heya! I had an idea for a ff but I guess, too much other stuff at hand but if you know my work/ideas and like it, I'd love to give away a plot for anyone who's interested in writing for "The Last of Us" but is waiting for a good idea. Do with it or change whatever you like. Keep in mind that I've never played the video game, I have no knowledge.

Summary:

You only remember glimpses of your past. A girl, barely older than ten when judgement day came, at least that's what your parents made you believe in. Afraid you wouldn't join them in heaven, you hid away and watched your father kill your entire family and then himself. That was twenty years ago. You've been living a nomad life on horseback when you met Joel and Ellie and find hope in saving humanity. A moral dilemma concerning Ellie's life drives your newfound family apart after you manage to deliver her to these scientists.

Could include:

Tense clicker situations, duh

Religious past, toxic beliefs and perhaps losing that faith

I've been dying to read anything about these "slave traders" they mentioned. Can they save a bunch already??

Slow burn feelings Joel refuses to acknowledge at first

News flash: the "pulling out method" is not an effective way not to get pregnant

Respecting Joel's boundaries when it comes to not talking about Sarah (that's been bothering meee)

More talks about periods!!! Love that about TLoU (or lack thereof, oops, and hiding it from Joel as long as you can)

Bonding with Ellie

Having a weird obsession over Dolly Parton and hoping she's alright, lol

Actually bringing Ellie to these scientists who propose putting her through various dangerous experiments and Joel being against it and choosing Ellie over humanity

Reader choosing humanity and her unborn baby 👀 over Ellie because hey, I wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice myself

Ouuuuuh the betrayaaaal

This revealing reader is pregnant and Joel being an ass over it but that's why you need a future

Ellie choosing humanity over Ellie, a two against one vote

Ellie having a really tough time during these experiments and Joel having none of it and leaving (only to come back after a change of mind)

Joel is kinda old, someone address his higher risk of a heart attack because he's now under a lot of stress and resurfaced trauma

Development of a vaccine that could work but hasn't been tested on humans yet

A villain who prefers to have control over a post-apocalptic absolutarian society and wanting to sabotage the vaccine

You and Joel killing the villain before they can kill Ellie

The infected breaching the lab !YES!

Ellie stealing the vaccine she can only hope will work and being badass while sick

Reader gets infected, Joel being ready to shoot you when Ellie crawls in weak af and rolls the vaccine over to Joel's boot, who then decides it's worth a shot (pun intended)

Reader survives, Joel regains hope for a future for humanity and himself with a new family with Ellie, you and your baby

Happy end because we need it ok

Yeah so....

Anyone happy to have stumbled across this idea? I don't need credit for it, I'm just throwing this out there. Reblog to help ask around if this sounds any good.

#tlou #tlou reader #the last of us #joel miller x reader #tlou ff #joel and ellie #ellie tlou #joel tlou #joel miller #joel x reader #pedro pascal #tlou fanfiction #tlou fandom #fanfic ideas #writing ideas #tlou series #joel miller angst #joel and sarah #tlou vaccine #tlounetwork #pedro pascal characters

[carry-on-every-neverland-magic]

The Last of Us rant and MAJOR spoilers ahead

NOT part 2 positive

Its so wild to me that the creators didn't even think about taking the show in a different direction to the part 2 game, as everything I have read seems to point in the direction they're gonna make season 2 exactly as the part 2 story goes. Like fine part 2 exists (even though its the worst thing ever, butchers Joel and Ellies bond and characters and introduces a ton of other characters idgaf about and this is just scratcing the surface of why its awful)

but I wish the writers could have taken season 2 of the show somewhere else, kept the heart and soul of the story alive (Joel & Ellie) made Joel not be an ooc dumbass and stand and wait to be beaten up and worse.

The entire reason I latched onto the Last of Us was Joel and Ellie. Sure I love a post apocalyptic story, love the other characters and atmosphere but the heart of the last of us IS Joel and Ellie, two lost souls finding and healing each other. They gave hope in a hopeless world.

Why couldn't season 2 focus on them in Jackson, explain and show better why Ellie is so mad at Joel over what he did (which any father would have done tbh) and show them heal and fucking watch Jurassic Park together.

The cure was never a certain thing and Ellie has so many dreams and desires and things she loves he simply wanted her to have a life.

I'm tired of part 2 stans saying how we just want a happy ending and should go watch peppa pig or something but like hello?? all my fave media is tragic lol I love tragedy Hell I don't even care if Joel is killed its the WAY he died like an absolute ooc chump that sucks and the way his bond with Ellie was ripped apart and they were kept apart in s2 and for what? Because she's mad over some non existent non certain cure when the world is basically burned to shit and too many assholes have claimed it. What would a vaccine have even saved?

The only good and beautiful thing about part 2 were the flashbacks (most of them anyway, but particularly the museum scene and some other scenes like Ellie holding Joels jacket)

It just makes me sad man that one of my favourite stories had such a shit part 2 and one of my fave shows is looking likely to head in the exact same direction when they could have taken a shot at doing the story that so divided people differently.

It just feels weird to have no excitement for season 2 when all I know is coming is a load of characters I don't care about, Joel dying in the first 5 minutes and Ellie turning into a murderous savage and ending up alone. Like what is good or hopeful or redemptive about this? And I give two shits about Abby because you can't kill off a main character you love so quickly, stupidly and horribly then expect us to buy into her story and care. No.

The Last of Us showed many stories and people, Henry and Sam, Bill and Frank etc and you care because the world they're in, the things they have had to see and do to survive and protect those they love is fascinating to watch. But it doesn't work in part 2 because they ripped away a character in such a stupid brutal way and didn't give us nearly enough time with him and Ellie. I love Joel so much but him dying could be part of the story for sure. But not like this.

I'm rambling now but basically I've never loved characters and a story so much but only half of it. I feel robbed of a proper ending.

#the last of us #tlou hbo #joel and ellie #anti tlou 2 #anti the last of us part 2 #anti abby #the last of us spoilers

[pipermca]

Writing Year in Review - 2023

I have to say, 2023 was an odd year for me.

I finally made it to TFCon again (after taking a long hiatus during the pandemic), and it was absolutely lovely to see everyone. I got to meet some new folks face-to-face, and meet up again with people I'd met in 2019. Spouse came with me this time, and he had a pretty good time (despite only being a TF fan via osmosis).

We did no other travel, though. Part of that was because we got a new cat, so we're back to needing to make kenneling arrangements before going anywhere. And as much of a joy as our cat is, that has made travel a little more inconvenient.

I had some major disruptions at work this year, completely upending the end of my summer and start of fall. As a direct result of this, the coming year is going to be extremely challenging work-wise as I get caught up on some things. Hopefully by late summer 2024, the pressure will be off and I can relax again (back into my usual level of work-related stress).

I also had my first round of Covid in 2023, which absolutely sucked. F minus, not recommended. I came very close to going to the ER during the worst of it, and the aftermath continued to kick my ass for months. The fatigue and brain fog was real, but the other health issues that it produced are still with me. Thank god for vaccines; I don't know how things might have gone if I hadn't been vaccinated.

In the coming year, I am going to try to focus on being kind to myself, both mentally and physically. Part of that is going to include the expectations I'm setting for myself for writing.

In December, I wrote 5,500 words, most of it in the story I've started posting, A Matter of Propriety. The story is still being posted (and I need to finish writing it!!) and I'm hoping to keep up my once-a-week posting schedule. If I can't make good progress on the next chapter this week, I'll probably drop into an every-other-week schedule instead, just so I can maintain my chapter buffer. (The story will likely have eight chapters total.)

For the year, in 2023 I wrote 62,502 words. Most of that was on A Matter of Propriety and Again and Again and Again (my TF Big Bang fic). However, I only posted 24,184 words to AO3, split between 4 completed works. (A Matter of Propriety will finish in 2024, so its stats will eventually count for that year.)

Most months I didn't set a specific word count goal, and that's ok. But possibly as a result, my output was all over the map. The two major peaks are in April (when I did the bulk of my Big Bang fic writing), and July (when I got a smutty fic idea and banged (hah) it out really quick).

Like always, my average words per hour is pretty consistent, although not as much as in previous years. Still, it shows that when I do sit down and write, I get consistent work done.

As I mentioned, I didn't make specific writing goals most months, but when I did, I never reached them. That tells me I am setting my goals too high, and I need to be more realistic.

As for the goals I set for myself for 2023, I did pretty awful. 😅 Again, I think I was just setting expectations too high for myself.

Finish Sun and Moon (working title) Nope. I barely worked on it at all.

Finish one Sparkr story (any of my bunnies or WIPs!) In progress? Call this 50%.

Write two comic scripts for practice Nope.

Make more progress in IDW2 reviews Nope, 0% progress made.

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter Barely worked on this, either, so no.

Rewrite/repost stories that I took down. Call this 50% done.

When chatting about this with a friend last night, I realized that THREE of my goals were basically "finish this longfic." Considering how much brainpower longfics take, it's no wonder I failed. So as part of my "be kind to myself" vision statement 😅 I'm going to focus on do-able goals, with one "stretch" longfic goal.

Write two comic scripts for practice

Finish reposting taken-down fics

Write and post three one-shots

Start posting Sun and Moon (working title)

My rationale for these is: I really want to practice scriptwriting. I really want to finish getting those old fics back up in a better format. I LOVE the instant quick gratification of getting a short story written and posted. And the stretch goal is to start posting Sun and Moon. If I'm starting to post it, that means I am confident about finishing it. ✨

Behind the cut is the first sentence of each of the stories I posted (sans the reposted fics, since those were all backdated to their original posting dates), and the month it was posted in. I wish everyone a happy and safe 2024!

August. Sharing is Caring. "That's it… There you go." The words were whispered into Bluestreak's audial.

August. Plans in Plans. The tiny dot in the distance grew in size as it approached, until Megatron's optics were able to resolve it into the shape of a Seeker.

September. Again and Again and Again. Create log file.

November. A Nice Set of Wheels. "So who is this guy, again?" Mirage asked, slipping between a box truck and a van.

December. A Matter of Propriety. Orion picked up his comm pad for approximately the thousandth time since being shown to his table, and checked it for messages.

#progress report #year in review #on writing

[normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke]

Hello, it's me, the COVID vaccine test subject! I'm always first in line to get new COVID vaccines because I have long COVID and I'm not trying to make it worse. Here are some things of note about the new (as of 9/25/2023) COVID vaccine from Pfizer based on the experience of me and my mom who just got it on Sunday.

General info:

The vaccine is usually called Comirnaty or "The 2023-2024 Covid Vaccine" when you're signing up to get it. It's generally not referred to as a booster. All Pfizer vaccines fall under the name "Cormirnaty" so make sure you're getting the latest one, it's always good to ask the office, clinic, or pharmacy you're scheduling with if you're unsure.

According to the pharmacist who administered my shot, it wasn't supposed to be out for a few weeks so some insurances, including Pennsylvania Medicaid, won't cover it yet. It's $190 out of pocket. I would recommend getting in contact with your insurance company or the place you're getting vaccinated to ensure that you're not going to have to pay for it.

The vaccine is FDA approved and uses MRNA technology, the same as the original Pfizer vaccine.

Side effects (I received the flu and covid vaccines at the same time in the same arm, my mom received only the covid one, will update if/when my dad and sibling get it):

I had very manageable arm soreness and swelling. I've gotten this with every vaccine I've gotten, some are worse than others, this was one of the less severe ones. The swelling isn't interfering with my arm movements at all, it's just certain movements are painful.

I also had extreme sleepiness today, I fought to keep my eyes open for most of the morning and ended up skipping class and just going back to bed for most of the day. There are several factors that could play into this. I went to the ren faire on Saturday and my big crashes are sometimes delayed by a day. I also got both vaccines at the same time which can sometimes cause worse side effects. I wanted to mention it because it could be related to the COVID vaccine alone. I would plan to get the vaccine on a day where you don't have work or another big event going on.

My mom had more severe arm pain and limited range of motion. She struggled to move for the first day. She, like me, often gets a bump and/or pain following shots. She (by her own admission) forgot there were things she could do to reduce the swelling so that might have contributed to her having such a hard time with it.

Tips:

Keep your arm relaxed as much as possible during the shot. Tensing the muscle causes the shot to hurt more.

Move your arm a bit after the shot to reduce pain, but don't do anything strenuous.

If you're able to, take a pain medication with anti-inflammatory properties shortly after getting the shot.

Use a cold compress if the swelling becomes bothersome.

If fear is a barrier to getting a shot, it's perfectly acceptable and actually good to talk to a doctor about taking an anti-anxiety medication beforehand. I use weed or CBD, but you might also be given one dose of a sedative like Ativan or Xanax.

#needle mention tw

[exeggcute]

hey I have messaged you before because we both have boneitus but I wanted to ask - how severe has the immune compromise from humera and biologics been for you? My joint pain is just on the inside of manageable and I'm concerned that, going to uni and generally being outdoorsy, I'm putting my health more at risk by starting it then by seeking other methods of management? right now inflammation and pain are the only concerns, not more severe health risks.

[2nd message: obviously you can't give medical advice etc I'm just hoping to hear your perspective and experience. my mother is less severely impacted and also doesn't seem to be too compromised but I think she's a bit casual about health risks sometimes]

tbh I haven't felt like the immune compromise has been too bad even though I started taking biologics during the height of covid... now that I'm thinking about it I remember I was supposed to start my first humira shot before the covid vaccine was widely available, literally had the shot sitting on the counter to thaw, but then the pharmacy rang me up to say they got a batch of vaccines in and I postponed my humira shot a few days so I could go get a different shot first lol. other than getting Actual Covid about a year ago (which sucked ass but obviously didn't kill me, I think my partner who's normally in great health got hit harder by it than I did) I actually think I've gotten sick way less often in the past few years than I ever did pre-biologics/pre-covid. knock on fucking wood obviously. and I was aaaallllwaaaays getting sick with random shit pre-2020. not sure whether that's a testament to how well proper masking works or a testament to how treating my fucked-up immune system actually made me less susceptible to random viral infections but either way there's some anecdata for you.

but full disclosure that I'm a homebody in general, and then the combo of covid and my Problems means I haven't been traveled out of state more than once or twice, I still mask up in public 95% of the time, my only roommate is my partner who also masks up in public 95% of the time, we live in a private residence with our own bathroom/laundry facilities, etc. granted I do still Go Out and have potential avenues of exposure to whatever random shit is brewing, particularly in restaurants, but I don't wanna generalize my experience too too much if you're a student and might be living in a dorm, travelling a lot, etc.

although with that said I think (and don't quote me on this?) the main concerns with biologics are less about your average cold/flu/covid situation than with more serious stuff like TB or hospital acquired infections or whatever. I definitely had to get a TB test before I could start humira. and I have admittedly had some chronic but very mild skin infections thanks to being immunocompromised, but they've all been treatable, and it's hard to say whether they were caused by the biologics themselves or the combo of biologics + intermittent steroid use + preexisting eczema + recently adding methotrexate into the mix. and generally having the constitution of a sickly orphan boy lol. which is all to say that unless you're being exposed to really freaky shit on the regular I don't think going on biologics will be the difference between you staying healthy and you getting struck down by Icky Space Virus, especially since biologics are a targeted immunosuppressant in a way that (e.g.) prednisone isn't. a good N95 or KN95 mask goes a long way, too.

it's ultimately up to you and your comfort level, especially if you said you're managing the joint pain okay right now—but I've also been there and I know that "managing" pain still is not a fun place to be at all. I also don't know if you have a flavor of boneitis that turns into degrative damage over time, so that's another consideration; I was honestly pretty scared about the (depending on who you ask, minor) cancer risk of taking TNF inhibitors, but I kind of rationalized it as like, okay, if I go on these drugs and get cancer, there's a solid chance of surviving cancer, but if I don't go on these drugs and my spine fuses permanently then my spine will be fused forever and ever and I can never fix it. there's also the fact that untreated inflammation is a major cancer trigger in itself, so on the crohn's side of things I have a way higher chance of getting cancer from untreated crohn's than I do of getting cancer from crohn's treatment.

don't take it as medical advice but here's my two cents: if your doctor thinks it's safe, and if you would benefit significantly from treatment, I think it's worth trying. soooooo many people take these drugs and the majority don't have life-altering side effects. with the immune suppression specifically, or even other minor side effects, I see it as a question of whether those risks/side effects are outweighed by the symptoms you're dealing with on a daily basis. I tend to approach that with a rough formula of severity x probability on both sides, which means unless the side effects are really bad AND really likely to happen, or unless the symptoms are relatively minor, I usually gravitate towards taking the drug. "symptom I already have that fucking sucks" usually comes out on top as the greater evil. but that's just me!

tangentially related point you might find interesting: I mentioned the other day about getting a consultation from a cosmetic surgeon who I later found out was related to the lead singer of imagine dragons, but the way I found that out was because I asked the surgeon if it was okay to get operated on while taking humira, and he said that not only was it fine, but also that he takes humira for the same arthritis + IBD combo that I have. and then later I heard an imagine dragons song on the radio, which reminded me how the lead singer is my nemesis because he's the most famous person alive with spondylitis but makes shitty music, and then I thought about how he's from vegas, and then how he's mormon, and then how the surgeon I saw is also mormon (BYU diploma spotted in his office lol. despite his main specialty being top surgery. #respect), and then how the surgeon told me he has like eight brothers and they all have IBD too, and then I was like "there can't be that many mormon families in las vegas with the same genetic autoimmune issues, right...?" and looked up the lead singer's last name and it was the same as the surgeon's...

so anyway just know that active practicing surgeons take biologics and seem to be doing alright! and also that someone out there has a family with a million sons who all have Shitting Constantly disease. the toilet paper bill when those kids were growing up must have been totally insane

[likeabxrdinflight]

you know there's probably a lot of factors in why uptake of the covid boosters has been so abysmally low in comparison to the first two doses, but one reason I don't see considered enough is how fucking unpleasant these shots are.

I mean genuinely, I cannot think of another vaccine I've had that is as painful and as side effect heavy as the covid shot. usually it's one or the other. now granted, I also had the flu shot in the same arm, which is probably exacerbating how intensely I'm experiencing these side effects at the moment, but regardless, every time I've had a covid vaccine I've had body aches, fever, and fatigue. Sometimes headache too. And it's like...if it wasn't a saturday I'd have called off sick on account of that. from a vaccine. that's a huge barrier for people who don't have the luxury of taking sick leave to get a shot.

and that's before we even talk about how painful the covid shot is, because I personally think it's worse than the tetanus shot, which is also notoriously bad. now again, this year I had both flu and covid at the same time in the same arm, which isn't helping. but I can tell it's the covid shot that's causing the most pain because that was the shot administered higher in my arm and wouldn't you know it, that's where the pain is worse. it's radiating through my shoulder and armpit even.

like when I say the covid shot feels like somebody took a hammer to my arm I'm not exaggerating. I can barely move it. I can't lay on that side. there's an ever present ache even with taking pain pills. I've broken down a door with this arm and that bruising hurt less. and it is always like this with the covid vaccines- it has consistently been one of if not the most painful shot I've ever had. to do this every year? incapacitate myself and subject myself to it annually? in some ways that's a big ask. and I'm willing to do it, but I can certainly see why some might not be. especially if you work in jobs requiring the use of your arms in some way.

anyway, long story short, I can see why people, having endured these shots at least two or three times already, might be reluctant to go through this every fall. especially if they've had covid (which most of us have by now) and it was fairly mild for them. like for me, covid itself was bad enough that the shot is worth it, but if it just felt like a head cold and nothing more? Well...if you're only thinking of your own benefit, I mean...I can see not wanting to deal with this level of pain. I really can.

my point being, it would benefit everyone if they could find a way to make these shots more tolerable. idk how that would work, I'm not a medical scientist, but there's no two ways around it- covid vaccines are among the most unpleasant shots on the market. that alone makes them a hard annual sell. never mind the rest of the issues.

#like to compare again with the tetanus shot- you get that once every ten years #the mmr was also very painful but you get that what like two or three times in your entire life? #flu shots are the only other annual vaccine and by itself is never this painful #I rarely get very intense side effects from the flu shot either like...some mild fatigue and maybe a little achey at most #with covid it's always both though #side effects and very painful #and like yeah...I don't want to do this every year #I probably will but I'm gonna bitch and moan about it

[violinsxsong]

An army lieutenant neglects to file a report on a civilian killing done by his troops because he knows it was an accident. War isn't fair for anyone, but if it wasn't malicious... I guess it's okay.

Tina promises her dying mother that she'll visit her grave once a month. After the mother has passed away, Tina finds it hard to squeeze in the time, and her visits drop to about once a year. I think yearly is completely okay. In fact, I think it's the usual for most people who mourn someone after years. It's okay.

A man orders a custom-built sex doll designed to look just like his neighbor. SO WRONG!

Sarah's dog has four puppies. She can only find a home for two of them, so she kills the other two with a stone to the head. Sarah is a psychopath.

A doctor has been preforming consensual yet illegal procedures one someone in hopes of finding a cure for his ill sister. As long as it's not at the detriment of anyone else, then I guess it's okay.

A neglectful husband pushes his wife to an affair. When the affair ends, the wife's partner nearly kills her and her unborn daughter. The husband kills the affair partner. Good for him, honestly.

September has run out of food and is facing death by starvation. She begins to cannibalize her family's loyal staff. They do not fight back. I thought it was the rich who were supposed to be the ones getting eaten? No, no, I jest. If they agree to it, then I guess it's okay? I think? I don't judge those plane crash guys for what they had to do.

A mother gives birth to identical twins. One follows their ambitions and the other becomes a shut in. The family make it clear which child they prefer. I mean it's sad, but I've seen it a lot. It's not okay, per say, but it is pretty normalized.

Natalie is so focused on survival she fires a shot without thinking. She did not intend to kill her elderly neighbor, but she hides the body regardless. She denies knowing what happened to the now missing resident. Murder is murder. Not okay.

A woman is facing a lifetime of medical issues. She continues to put her family and those around her in emotional and medical debt. She lives a hollow life and continues leaching off of those who support her. I think it's a lose/lose situation no matter what. It's grey space.

Please provide a response to each of the following prompts. Leaving a prompt blank will also be considered a response, and you will be assessed for refusal to answer.

In the event of a life or death situation, would you put yourself or others first? The group. What is surviving if it's all alone?

How far would you be willing to go to ensure your own survival throughout this ordeal? I honestly don't know and I really hope to not have to find out.

Is there anyone in the building you have developed strong attachments to? Well Zach is my neighbor and my oldest friend in the building. Ria is my best friend in the entire world. Charlie is really sweet and I see her more often than anyone else because I can't live without coffee. Nat is super cool and I look up to her confidence a lot. There's definitely more but writing everyone down would take forever and this pen is hurting my fingers.

Do you think it is possible to survive infection through alternative means such as removing the infected limb? Would you be willing to undergo this procedure to ensure your own survival? I guess... if it was between life and death, I'd lose a limb. As for surviving, I don't know, but there is a vaccine for normal rabies. Maybe they'll find one for this rabies, too.

Will following the general consensus lead to improved odds of survival, or would you have a better chance following an assigned leader? I do best with someone to look to for guidance. I'm really good at follow the leader.

What is the appropriate response to the following situation?

Your daughter falls ill and needs a specific, uncommon kind of antibiotic that will be hard to find; without the full course, the pathogen will survive, regroup, and kill her anyway. You are scavenging a pharmacy, where you find another group, and manage to not shoot each other. You ask them about the antibiotic, and they have it, but they also need the antibiotic, for the wife of someone in their group. You cannot share the antibiotic because it would just kill both people, and they have the antibiotic in their pack. This is likely the only complete dose set you will find, as the other stores have been picked totally clean and there are no friendly groups in the area. I don't have kids, but I think if I did, I'd become a Mama bear. Nothing would stop me from getting it, though I might have to be sneaky. I'm not much of a fighter.

#Task 02 #bnytask

[kaesaaurelia]

trying to remind myself that the Eleven PM I Didn't Do Anything Today Sads hit me sometimes (specifically at 11 pm) even after I've:

- finally remembered to schedule a vaccination appointment for tomorrow*

- also finally remembered to put in for a prescription refill

- shredded some old paperwork

- cleaned all the metal fixtures in the bathroom

- fixed the bathroom sink**

- washed the dishes

- taken out the garbage***

- made dinner

- put away leftovers for tomorrow

- washed dishes again & cleaned the counters/stove

The Eleven PM I Didn't Do Anything Today Sads don't mean I didn't do anything today. They meant I didn't do like 2 specific things that I had my heart set on which I think in this case was laundry (I can do that tomorrow, hopefully, before the deadly Vaccine Arm Ache sets in) and catching up with ALL my Whumptober, but like. the garbage was really bad and the laundry really needs doing because I have been kind of neglecting other stuff in order to stay up late and write, and the past few days I just haven't been doing that, and it's been better. (Sorry @ the people who have been following one or more of those stories, they probably won't all get done by the end of October but I gotta put myself first.)

--

* finallyyyyy. they had inexplicably not received any delivery of doses for the booster when I went to get it so I got some other vaccines and had to wait 2 weeks and then had a bunch of other shit to do and it was a whole thing. otoh I got my first shingles shot, which is great, because I'm only 35. no idea why my insurance paid for it, but you can get shingles when you're surprisingly young, so if you can get your shingles vaccines you should. I thought it might be a bureaucratic mixup and I was ALL IN on taking advantage of that shit but it turns out BCBS is letting 35-year-olds get them in Illinois? idek. my mom hasn't even had her shingles shots.

** which, if you are a renter, normally that should be a landlord task, please always contact your landlord if you rent and something that's part of the rental breaks in your home! I say this because Younger Me was always worried I'd get in trouble for breaking things and YOU WILL NOT. or if you do it's because your landlord fucking sucks! in this case, however, it was a fairly minor issue and my landlords are actual people I can have a text conversation with, and they are usually very on top of repairs, but I haaate having to Schedule A Day For A Repair when I could just... use a screwdriver on the broken thing... and also I like knowing how to fix things generally... so I asked for advice and got a link to a comprehensive youtube video for the model of faucet I have, and now I know how the bathroom sink handles work. but like. contact your landlord. make your landlord do it. especially if it has anything to do with fire, water, electricity, bugs, or mold. there's probably a pokemon types mnemonic in there but I'm tired and don't know pokemon well enough.

*** really badly needed taking out. D: maggots. bad.

#venty post #kaesa op

[dzpenumbra]

1/17/23

Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. The second my head hit the pillow the dark thoughts just poured in. It was rough. First stretch, I got like 1 hour of sleep. I kept waking up and needing to readjust, then freaking out, then feeling sick. I honestly can't remember the last time I legit felt run down. It must've been like... the last time I got vaccinated, honestly. I just don't really get sick much, which is surprising because I lived in a really gross and unhealthy house for a long time. But now... now I'm legit run-down.

I woke up after like an hour and felt like I had to shit, like diarrhea shit, but it was the opposite, I was constipated. But it was just... ugh. My body was just like "I want this out" and just going through all the different methods, I guess. Idk. I started to feel super nauseous, so I grabbed a bowl, refilled my water and stumbled back to bed. I just felt rotten. A bit of a fever, but cold extremities. But honestly, it was the head-game that got me the most. I mean this wholeheartedly, if I had just gotten the shot and felt like shit - without my parents shitting doom into my brain - I really don't think my brain would've gone there. I would've just gone "man, this sucks, I feel pretty crappy and I wish I had someone to take care of me." But those stupid conspiracy theory seeds planted in my head took root and had me freaking out most of the night. I ended up getting up around 9, after tossing and turning for a few hours, I got a granola bar and some yogurt, fed the cat and brought my weighted blanket to the beanbag chair. I spent most of the rest of the day in the chair, I said fuck it and took the day off completely.

I tried to do yoga, and did succeed. I'm surprised I even tried, to be honest. I just felt like garbage. It wasn't too rough, but the headaches were the worst part. All the forward folds and going from plank to standing really quickly just kept giving me splitting headaches, so I'd have to pause the video. It was rough, I almost tapped out... but I saw it through, I just didn't really push myself as much as I usually do.

I started getting texts from my mom about mid-day. Not even mentioning yesterday, trying to buy me a fucking workbench again. Just pretending like all the shit they dumped on me yesterday didn't happen, and like she didn't dodge a call from me. I just... didn't respond. I didn't know how. She sent me another message around 5:30 again asking me if I wanted to talk or not. And I just... again... didn't respond. I don't know what to say.

I try very hard to communicate clearly what problems I have. It has gotten me into a lot of shit when dealing with prideful people. And just in general too, I guess, I don't know. People just don't really like hearing the blunt truth told to them. Like, what I would say is "you guys both dangled the threat of death in front of me as a way to try to pressure and manipulate me into altering my personal medical decisions, and you did it through the guise of being 'supportive'. Then you got pissed off and scared and disappeared, leaving me to go through feeling like utter shit completely alone. Pretty sure that's not 'support'. Pretty sure that's... control." Something tells me that will not go over well, it will just lead to an argument. And I'm just done with arguments, to be honest.

Like... please tell me I'm not the only one seeing this. This like... obsession with "freedom" is not even remotely about freedom, it's about control. Like one day... the virus pops over to this continent and we have to take preventative measures to mitigate the spread, and suddenly half the country thinks their being systematically oppressed, when 3 months prior you couldn't bother them to get off the fucking couch. It's juvenile. It's not about principles, it's not about evidence. Here, let me use an example to show what's going on.

In fall of 2018, I found out that one of my earliest friends who I had known since I was like... 12? had died, and I was told it was related to fentanyl. That was a very serious trauma for me, it hit me very hard. We had grown apart over the years as his drug use escalated, but still... he was a part of my life, you know. We had memories. He is part of my history. I knew his family. So like... 8 months later? My dad finds out I'm smoking weed again after 15 years of actively avoiding it. And, despite having zero contact with me, is convinced that it's making me "psychotic" and "dangerous". Really, just coming up with a conclusion and then googling for whatever dots he can connect to try and persuade me that he is correct, to convince me via email that I am unknowingly being drugged and going crazy. So this fucker sends me an email - while I'm high - that is an article from some fucking periodical in Long Island or something? Like just some random local rag he googled. And the article is about how people shouldn't be buying weed because it's "fentanyl-laced weed". And he acted like he was my goddamn savior. By literally traumatizing me while I was extremely vulnerable, but using one of my past traumas against me, to try to control my actions.

Okay, you know... I felt myself getting political earlier and it's making me uncomfortable. So whatever with the general shit above, of course there are injustices in the world, of course there are problems. But like... a lot of people - I would stretch to say most - respond to fear with control. Instead of addressing the fear. Instead of engaging the fear. They control their environment to be able to avoid the fear, or snuff out the cause of the fear, and come up with any narrative they can find to justify not directly engaging with the fear. So they never have to process the concept. Like an extension of repression, but focused outwards. Just an observation, something to be aware of, because it seems to be something we as a species are very prone to.

I'm exhausted, I feel like shit and honestly, I don't want to relive this crap. I just want to sleep and zone out, and watch mindless TV. I have no idea how to talk to my parents about this, I am just creating space. They hurt me very deeply, and it's still very raw, and I don't trust myself to be able to communicate how this affected me without pointing fingers.

I am not good at boundaries. This is a boundary I really need to have, it's devastating to me. Fear-mongering and trying to scare someone out of a serious decision they are making for their self is not support. I don't know how to communicate how unhealthy this is without telling them what they cannot do. Like, I can say "if you do this again, I'm going to have to leave," and that sounds like a threat, like I'm just turning the tables and trying to control them. If I say "you cannot treat me this way," it looks like an ultimatum, it's giving them orders, telling them what to do. If I say "when you treat me this way, this is how it affects me," they just twist it around, trying to get me to change how it affects me. As though I 'got it wrong' or something.

It is. SO. Unhealthy. And I swear to god, every time I'm on an upswing with my PTSD shit... they just dump some new bullshit on me, crushing my spirit, reopening my trauma. And I have to like, go back into a cocoon and recover again, by myself. And all my progress I was making on my life? Not just halted, but all the daily life tasks start piling up again, right when I got caught up. I blink and suddenly I haven't streamed in a month. Suddenly I'm going to bed at 5:30 AM again. Suddenly I'm scared to leave my house again. Suddenly I feel like everyone out there is out to get me again. I fucking wonder why...

So I'm just going to wait until Wednesday, talk to my therapist, see how he recommends handling this. In the meantime, I'm just going to focus on staying alive and managing morale. Resting and recovering. Finding peace and happiness where I can find it. I'm already starting to feel a bit better, we'll see how the rest of the night goes. Worse comes to worse I can just sleep in the beanbag chair again.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness

[transmascrage]

Literally my mom will see me being relaxed and think "How can I ruin his mood?"

Today she was mad that I don't have a job yet. She screamed and yelled that I needed to help the family but kept using the example of gas prices, as if I caused inflation??

That they couldn't maintain me forever, as if I'm not 20 and only finished school last year, because she started working at 15, the poor little meow meow.

And that one of my sister's friends, who's 16, got a job, as if I didn't get my first job at 17 during a pandemic.

And how at that job, "they hire normal-looking people too, even fat girls!!!" literally what are you saying. Say it with your chest. Don't fucking hide what you're trying to say.

She fucking knows I'm trans, I've told her everything but "I am trans", but she'll still call me and my sister "girls" and imply I'm a girl who just needs to get over her stupid ideas and start shaving. Which I fucking won't. I hate shaving and I get super painful microcuts that bleed like arteries every time.

And it's funny she says that because when I started to grow leg hair she refused to let me shave. And I have A LOT of body hair and it's really dark so I'd have to shave every two days if I wanted to not look hairy as fuck.

Then when I started to be insecure because the kids in class would make fun of me when I wore shorts she finally took me to get waxed and then laser treatment. And I don't know if I have a lower pain threshold than normal but holy shit it's so fucking painful. I felt like I was being shot. Meanwhile, she insists it doesn't hurt that much and I'm being dramatic. Which she did when I was scared of vaccines too.

Every time I'm doing well she managed to send me into a depressive episode and I fucking refuse to be sad this time, tomorrow I'm going to my first concert and it's gonna be my 5th-6th anniversary of realizing I'm trans.

Every goddamn year she'll sit me down and yell at me for a while that I need to do something better. Used to be my grades, but I guess she's gotta find something else now that I'm in uni.

God. But now that my sister's in therapy she treats her soooo much better, but she's so used to taking shit out on me she can't help it I guess. And when I told my sister I was depressed for 7 years, since I was 13, or at least had almost constant depressive episodes, she started crying and said my depression had to have been minor as opposed to her major depression because she had it sooooooooooooo much worse.

The source of her trauma? Watching my dad almost punch me and me attempting suicide in the same night. I wonder who else could have been traumatized by that.

And now I'm doing better and it's the first time since I was a child, because of my mom's constant fear-mongering and I'm suspecting ADHD (so a combo of RSD, which literally made me feel like I was getting stabbed in my chest, and just being too ND for my classmates), that I'm not anxious and it's still never good enough.

Speaking of ADHD, I finally had the courage to tell my therapist I think I have it and she gave me a condescending smile and went "Oh, that would be a nice excuse to not improve, right?" fuck you bitch I thought I could trust you but you won't even take me seriously.

Fuck everyone in this goddamn family and this goddamn country.

#personal

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

WARNING: talking about covid :') (not the impact it's had globally but the actual sickness itself)

Venting

I'm honestly so stressed bc I have covid and. It's just not going away so I keep having to call in sick to work. And I'm scared I'm gonna get into trouble bc I keep calling in but. I refuse. I fucking REFUSE to contribute to the spread of this shit. And besides, I need the rest to recover!!!! I deserve that!!!!

Thankfully I'm not feeling too terrible— had a mild sore throat for a few days, and some stuffiness/runny nose, but that's mostly gone and now it's largely extreme tiredness and a bad headache which honestly is pretty typical for me anyway —but I'm still fucking contagious, and who knows what might happen if I push myself. My job is really physical and I work in a cooler, meaning, I'm working in the fucking cold!! That won't help me at all!! Those factors combined basically make work the worst place for me to be rn

(And just as a disclaimer, pretty sure I'm having such a mild case bc I've had 4 shots of the vaccine now— and my dad has it and has 2 things against him to make him immunocompromised, and this has mostly been like a bad cold for him, he hasn't needed to go to the hospital. If you can but haven't gotten the vaccine yet, DO IT!!)

But I'm still so stressed about it. I wish I could just recover and test negative so I could go back to work, because it's constantly in the back of my mind that I might get in trouble for calling in sick every single day I'm scheduled to work for over a week, especially during Christmas, which is literally a blackout period for vacations— in other words, you aren't allowed to take vacation during this time of year. This stress is eating at me and I just wanna make it go away. Funnily enough, it's probably making it harder for me to get better 😅

And bc I'm a student, I only work 2 days a week during semesters, and legit this started the DAY after my first day back from this last semester, and my next one starts immediately after new year's, so I'm worried this looks like I'm trying to skip out on work when I otherwise would be doing like 40 hours but I'm really not!!!! I'm just trying to do the right thing 😭 a couple coworkers have long covid, others aren't vaccinated, we have some older people. But even without those factors, I wouldn't wanna go in and spread it around

idk I'm just. I'm very stressed and a tiny part of my mind has legitimately been worried I'll get fired over this. I seriously doubt I will bc it's almost impossible to get fired from my workplace (it's a joke that you have to try lmao) and bc of the good name I've built for myself there. I've been there almost 10 years now, they know I don't pull shit like this just for shits and giggles. But the worry is still there, you know?

Ughhhh I've gotta sleep so I can wake up at 5AM to call work and tell them I still have covid, then go back to sleep bc fuck that shit :')

Wish me luck when I have to get up in like 4 1/4 hours lmaoooo

#personal

[calvin-af-crone]

I'm not the other anon, but you do realize that these fact checking websites are also paid very well by the very people trying to push their agendas... right? You couldn't have possibly gone through all those years of life taking every single thing the government tells you at face value, right? If so, I am sorry for you. You should look up the hashtag "vaccineinjured" and also take a look at the doctors who chose to leave their careers instead of lying to patients. He made the right choice.

Golly, you sure sound like the same person. You're just as patronizing. I can't argue w/ you so I'm just gonna tell you what happened to my late husband's daughter, her husband, & her husband's father. All of them were Fox "News" viewers, convinced the pandemic was a hoax OR a Chinese plot & the vaccines were gonna implant GPS devices more accurate than the ones they all carry in their phones OR getting vaxxed would slowly kill them. They refused to wear masks & went about their lives as usual. Until the father—who is our age—got Covid, ended up in the hospital & nearly died.

No problem. They amended their delusions to allow for Covid being real & started wearing masks. But, the vaccine was still a evil plot. The father partially recovered & believing he was now immune went on w/ his life as usual.

Then the husband went to a wedding where he was the only one wearing a mask. The Bride had been vaccinated but the Groom had not. It was a super-spreader event & half the guests got Covid. The Bride survived. The Groom died along w/ a quarter of the other guests who got infected at his wedding.

Their direct experience caused them to shift away from their beliefs & they were discussing maybe getting vaxxed after all when the father caught Covid AGAIN & ended up back in the hospital. His second bout was far worse than the first. Before they intubated him, he gasped out a last message to his family on Facebook—

"Get vaxxed." Then, they all got vaxxed.

The vaccines never promised to keep you from getting sick from a rapidly mutating virus. But, the Moderna vaccine has been 93% effective in preventing hospitalization & DEATH. Ya'know, it's one thing for me to chose not get an annual flu shot because I personally had bad reactions. If I get an ordinary flu, I will survive.

But risking death or long-term disability over the notion there has been a massive conspiracy among competing science research labs in countries around the world to create a vaccine that does more harm than good is absurd. None of this occurred because of some monolithic "government". Thousands of individuals acted in good faith to save people from suffering death. And you don't trust them to want to save themselves & their families!

My husband & I—because of our age & infirmities—were among the first people in the US to get vaccinated. My husband did his research & decided Moderna was the best bet. That was what our county health dept offered & we got our first dose in January 2021. At the time, we felt a bit brave & willing to be guinea pigs for the sake of our children & grandchildren. We read the CDC Guidelines & accordingly wore masks & avoided crowds.

EXCEPT, after being triple-vaxxed, I flew across the country & returned home after passing thru 4 airports TWICE. I slept fitfully in a Dallas airport overnight wearing only a cloth mask AND DIDN'T CATCH COVID!

EXCEPT, the first month my husband was in a nursing home because he was dying, the facility had an outbreak of Covid & he tested positive. He got over it in a few days w/ symptoms no worse than a sinus infection. He recovered & joked about being invincible. But he went in w/ COPD & Congestive Heart Failure & those conditions are what finally killed him 6 weeks later.

You won't convince me the Moderna vaccine doesn't work & I've probably wasted my time trying to convince you to reconsider your position. Ah well...

THIS IS THE END OF THAT TOPIC.