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prettieinpink · 6 months

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♡ PRETTIER HIERARCHY ♡

HAPPY 1.2k+ TO PRETTIEINPINK! Thank you guys for the support, here’s a lil gift from me to you.

If you don’t want to read all of this, I created a hierarchy of everything you need to do to glow up, right at the end!!! But I recommend reading everything first <3

I’ve been trying to ‘glow up’ like forever, but there was no actual content out there that helped me glow up. Most people sugarcoated, or their lifestyles of glowing up just weren't sustainable for me. So, I created this post for everyone planning to glow up or maximise their prettiness!

DISCLAIMER – THIS POST IS NOT DETAILED. I wanted to do a simple outline to give you guys an idea of what to do to maximise your pretty. A little help to plan, especially as we enter 2024, but I’ll expand on these individual topics in the future.

GRADE 1 – HEALTH

Being healthy can make you SO pretty. Being healthy is the foundation. There are other ways to be physically healthy, but after doing these 4 the rest usually fall in place. Here are some simple ways to become healthier, and then eventually prettier!

HEALTHY EATING.

I'm not going to go super deep into this, as no diet fits everyone + Please consult with your doctor before taking any extreme advice. Though, I'll tell you a bit of things that helped me !!

Stop drinking soda. Please, it's so unhealthy and it's full of so many sugars. Even the ones that are 0 cal, have weird chemicals that I don't trust. Many more alternatives taste just as good, like coconut water, herbal drinks, smoothies etc! Especially because nowadays most large calories and sugar intakes are from sugary drinks

Stop restricting, moderate it. I am a big fan of dairy, yoghurt, milk, and cheese, I love it all. However I acknowledge that dairy isn’t the healthiest, so instead I always ensure I'm eating in moderation. E.g I put a tablespoon of shredded cheese in my omelettes instead of a handful. You will enjoy healthy eating so much, but only if you're not restricting.

Have one serving of fruit, vegetables, or both with each meal. It provides so many good nutrients, makes you fuller and keeps you hydrated. Measure with your palm to ensure you’re eating enough.

Know that just because one food has fewer calories than the other, does not mean it is the healthiest. I struggled so much with this, especially because many weight loss accounts will mention this, but it is so wrong. White bread has fewer calories than brown bread, but brown bread is higher in nutritional value.

Plan snacks. Planning snacks for throughout the day, instead of spontaneously eating is so much better. I recommend this for anyone who gets hungry during the day but not enough for a meal (like me!)

Drink more water. Not 1L a day, because it is so much more ideal for you to have a glass of water with each meal + when you feel thirsty.

Start educating yourself. This is as much as I can tell you, im not a nutritionist or a dietitian but if you plan to ensure that healthy eating becomes your lifestyle, educating yourself is essential!!

EXERCISING.

Once again, I'm only going to go surface level with this because it is only based on my personal experience + Consult with your doctor before doing anything extreme.

Start aiming for 5k+ steps. I see a lot of people advertise 10k+ steps as the standard, or what's active, but it's not sustainable If you're a busy person with a sedentary life or a beginner at exercise it is gonna be hard to sustain that. But walking is so good for you and simple too.

Join your local sports! Such a fun way to socialise while still exerting energy.

If you can't do that for whatever reason, there are many ways to exercise at home. Research and pick a workout that you like and is sustainable. E.g. jump rope, pilates, home exercises, weightlifting, biking

Start standing more, it exerts energy. While very little, it still is very good.

That's it, but remember to always start small with exercising, and RESEARCH!

BETTER SLEEP

To me, it doesn’t matter how much sleep a person is getting, but much more rather the quality of said sleep. So, here are some tricks and tips to get better at sleeping!!

Investing in a good quality pillow is so good for your sleep, the more comfortable you are, the better + it reduces the chances of poor posture or hump necks

Research about different sleeping positions, as some positions at night promote back pain, difficulty breathing or poor posture.

Start sleeping in complete darkness. Remove all sources of light or invest in good light-blocking curtains OR binders. Though, binders seem to be much more effective but are more pricey. If you cannot do either of that, buy a good sleeping mask.

Sleep in the cold. Your body easily falls asleep if your environment is cold, and you’re less likely to wake up in the middle of the night.

It is ideal for you to stop using devices an hour or two before bed, but if it is not sustainable for you, wear red blue-light-blocking glasses instead of clear ones. Red ones are more effective.

Avoid large physical or mental tasks before bed, use that time to unwind and tell your body it's time to go to sleep.

Avoid napping for longer than 30 minutes, or it can disrupt the sleep you have at night.

Go to sleep at similar times every day. If you go to sleep earlier or later than this, you will ruin your sleep schedule and feel groggy.

I expand more here.

ORAL HEALTH

This is a step many people will neglect, but the most important in my opinion. Your teeth are the only body part that fails to regenerate after a certain age. Here's how I take care of mine!

Brush your teeth for longer. Brushing your teeth should not be a sped-up process, put actual thought into it.

Start flossing. Floss removes plaque, and reduces the chances of your teeth yellowing! Do this ideally after each meal.

Brush your teeth before you eat. Brushing my teeth is the first thing I do when I wake up because brushing your teeth is supposed to protect your teeth from the food, not wash away your food.

If you have the means, buy an electric toothbrush, as this gets in the little nooks and crannies that a regular one cannot.

Use a tongue scraper or your toothbrush to get rid of any bacteria on your tongue.

Use straws to drink coffee or any heavily coloured drinks. This avoids the premature yellowing of teeth. Make sure you put the straw on the side of your mouth to avoid your teeth.

Use good mouthwash. A total game-changer, makes your breath fresher and your gums healthier.

If need be, definitely use a purple teeth serum as a whitening treatment.

GRADE 2: STYLE

I do not mean literal clothes and style, that's in grade 3. This is all about basic grooming and such. This is 2nd most important, especially if you're somebody who’s never been invested in beauty.

SKINCARE

Get a basic skincare routine, cleanser and moisturiser.

If you have other skincare concerns e.g. dry skin, hyperpigmentation, acne, or blemishes, invest in a serum.

Avoid touching your face frequently.

Wash makeup brushes & pillowcases often.

Dermaplaning to help skincare absorb better.

Use sunscreen!

HAIRCARE

Invest in a good shampoo and conditioner for your hair type.

Use a good hair oil, it doesn’t have to be for growth, but just for nourishing your scalp

Sleep with a good quality bonnet on.

Find which type of hairbrush works the best on you!

Use warm water to remove product build up and dirt, but use cool water to rinse.

Buy spray suncsreen to put on your scalp during hot weather.

Once again, research. Hair is just too much of a broad topic for me to thoroughly talk about.

EYEBROW & LASHES

Trim your eyebrows regularly to avoid too many stray hairs

Tint your eyebrows and lashes. If you already have dark eyelashes and brows, try a lighter look. I seem to prefer a dark brown look to a black

Invest in a good lash & brow serum or use any oil

Don't use Vaseline on your eyelashes.

Limit how much you wear mascara.

I talk more about this here.

BODY & HANDS

Have a daily shower routine which consists of washing, exfoliating and moisturising your skin.

Using scented products is such a game changer, smelling good is like being a magnet

Doing manicures, my routine is a cuticle scrub, file, buff, polish, paint then cuticle oil.

Shave on the areas you want to. Having smooth skin is nice, but to ensure your shave lasts longer, watch a video.

I post about creating a good shower routine here.

LIPS

Invest in a good, portable lip balm. I prefer the ones that burn your lips to give it a more fuller effect

Make your lip scrub. Sugar, honey and turmeric are my go-to. Helps remove dead skin.

If you have hyperpigmentation around the lips, use glycolic acid, only a little.

GRADE 3 – FASHION

My favourite grade, because it is so fun and focuses more on the aesthetic side of things. However, they're not essential, which makes it all the more fun!

CLOTHES

I have a post about wardrobe essentials here.

Find out about what season colours you are. This helps with using colours in fashion to enhance. ( if you don't like your colours it is okay, it doesn’t change much if you do not wear them)

Figuring out your undertone colours for jewellery.

Figure out what works for your figure. Experiment with necklines, bottom length etc.

Find out your general style too, what you feel confident in and more assured.

MAKEUP

Research and only watch tutorials of women who look like you (trust me).

Dear Peachie has a bunch of videos of how makeup works, for beginners to more advanced artists!

Then make your signature look for every using your knowledge.

FRAGRANCE

Invest in a good eau de parfum and eau de toilette. Cheap fragrances suck.

Invest in a good-scented lotion. My favourite brand is Vaseline.

Using a good nice fabric softener for laundry makes you feel and smell fresh

Using an expensive scented body wash doesn’t matter, invest in a good body lotion.

HAIR STYLING

Hairstyles that enhance your face shape, not shield it.

Having a simple signature look for everyday

Experimenting with your hair is ideal, but if you can't for whatever reason once again research.

GRADE 4 – PERSONALITY

The way you seem to others can make you so much prettier. Fake it till you make it as always~

POSTURE

Having good posture makes you stand out, makes you look prettier and is generally good for your health

Chin is parallel to the floor, shoulders are down and relaxed, rib cage is elevated, pelvis is tucked in, your knees straight and flexed, and the weight on your feet should be in the center.

You can stretch for good posture, there are many videos on this on YouTube.

Ensure your sleeping position is promoting good posture, not poor.

Buy a back brace to reinforce good posture.

BODY LANGUAGE

Learn how to move your body during conversations to seem more self-respected and confident.

Train your facial expressions for different situations, but especially for taking photos.

There are tons of books and videos on this, won’t expand because this is all about how you want others to perceive you.

ELOQUENCE

Improve the way you communicate with others. Be fluent and clear to understand

Expand your vocabulary, know how to substitute words on the spot and make sentences.

Knowing what to say in like any and every conversation makes people like you more, and the best way to be more eloquent is just practice.

There are so many good books about this.. read.

GRADE 5 – MIND

Personally, having a good mindset does boost your self-perception of your prettiness + being happier in general makes you more inclined to take care of yourself = being more pretty!!!

MENTAL HEALTH

Start journaling as a way to organise your thoughts and to truly analyse your emotions. There are a lot of journaling prompts on Pinterest and such!

Meditation as a way to clear the mind when needed is so good. There are a bunch more meditations for other purposes though like body image, productivity, focus or just general relaxation.

Go to therapy, or just have at least one person you can talk to when life becomes tough.

Cut back on social media. There's misinformation, trolls and a lot of content that isn't nourishing your mind.

Get some sun! Simple and doable, but has a huge effect on the body. It can improve the current mood. Wear sunscreen.

Start learning how to process situations, instead of bypassing the emotions that come with them.

Start surrounding yourself with like-minded people. Seriously, being around people who are just too different is draining.

MINDSET

Embrace growth and reject all forms of comfort. Being uncomfortable with something is growth.

Don’t do things because you ‘have’ to do this, do them because they benefit you and see it in that way. E.g ‘I’m going to clean my room because I deserve a clean place to rest and work’ instead of ‘I have to clean my room’

Become detached. Stop letting everything that happens in your life affect you, start observing instead of consuming.

Self validates yourself. Tam Kaur did a wonderful video on this that I think everyone should watch.

Stop believing that everything and everyone is out to get you. Your subconscious mind believes this, do not feed it, starve it.

There's a lot to say about mindset, but I recommend watching some mindset YouTubers who explain everything in depth.

and now,,,, here's a ANOTHER gift from lanny because u read her post. And liked it. And reblogged it. And followed her.. pleaseee

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fatliberation · 5 months

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hey, i really need advice and I hope it's okay to come here for that. tw for eating disorders and abuse i've been suffering with severe back and leg pain and of course my parents and doctor attributed this to my weight. my doctor has recommended a strict diet for me to lose weight and my parents ( im a minor ) are taking it upon themselves to implement this diet, restricting my food intake, punishing me for getting snacks, etc. I have a history of anorexia BECAUSE of my parents forcing me to lose weight and have recently regained all that weight, which took an extreme toll on me along with ridicule from family telling me how much better i looked when i was underweight and extremely sick. i was still suffering from the same pains at my lowest weight. my mother has a history of disordered eating and has frequently tried to and successfully forced me into doing diets with her.

Oh dear heart, I am so sorry. It is extremely inappropriate for your provider to recommend a diet, ESPECIALLY given your history with anorexia. I'm sorry that your parents continue to cause you harm, it must feel so awful to have your autonomy taken from you like that. I am enraged on your behalf. Fatphobia is so poisonous. You deserve unbiased and proper care for your pain.

Do you have any connections to adults you can trust? School faculty or mental health professionals? My first recommendation would be to find a new doctor, but I understand that my usual advice is a thousand times more difficult as a minor. If you have a therapist (hopefully one who is anti-diet), they should be able to write a letter to either your parents or your doctor, advocating for your needs and explaining how this is harming your wellbeing. They can also have a meeting with both you and your parents, if your parents agree to it. If therapy isn't an option for you right now, I recommend reaching out to either of these free ed hotlines and share exactly what you told me. These are trained professionals who can offer you much better advice than I can.

Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders Hotline: 1-888-375-7767

Project HEAL (Help to Eat, Accept, and Live) Crisis Textline: text HEALING to 741741

Good luck, sweet pea. My heart is with you. I sincerely hope you're able to get out of this soon and receive ACTUAL care for your back and leg pain. Remember that there is nothing wrong with feeding yourself, and nothing wrong with existing at a higher weight, despite the messaging you're being bombarded with. One day this will all be behind you and you will have the breadth to heal. It will get better. In the meantime, please rely on friends and give yourself permission to do whatever you need to keep yourself safe. Sending buckets of love. 💕

#inbox #ed tw #tw ed #tw diet #diet culture #anti fat bias #medical fatphobia

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garlique · 3 years

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disordered eating tw im just articulating my thoughts abt my eating habits contextualized against my mental health issues also if yr grace and u see this no u dont <3

#a list of things i have eaten today:#red bull #yerba mate energy drink thing #20 million little mints #i should go eat some of my candied ginger so i dont throw up during choir hehe #anyway ya this depressive episode is very sexy in this regard because it literally takes too much effort to eat #because my problem most times #with restricting my eating is that like... i have adhd ive been an emotional eater my entire life #so its almost ALWAYS easier for me to eat than to not eat thats how i end up binging #because it's so fucking easy for me to start eating and just keep eating and eating and eating #i can literally house an entire large pizza + sides + drinks in under an hour sometimes #i think thats also why on my worse days i like wait so long to eat because once i DO eat its easier to keep eating #and harder to skip a late meal #plus i just like doing things later in the day i feel like im a person mostly between like 4 and 10 pm when im sober #but yes anyway. this depressive episode is making it VERY difficult to eat which is literally SO sexy #i truly love it when its easier to not eat than eat because that happens so rarely #but for like the last week ish theres only been one day where ive had more than one meal and thats SO SEXY #ofc my like once daily meals do end up being like way bigger than they should b a lot of the time like #because im still not good at restricting my intake when i actually eat like it truly is either i dont eat or i eat normal #like i dont think i could keep my caloric intake limited if i tried honestly #so like i do end up eating 1000 calories at like 8 pm and then nothing else #anyway ok if u read this first of all why second of all DO NOT send me any high and mighty messages abt it i am simply too tired #im gonna go eat some candied ginger for no vomity and i will see yall during choir hehe

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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It's March 2nd and I'm 157lbs. I'm on my period so that's partly to blame, but then there's also the fact that I drank quite a bit on Feb 28th, and binged. A lot.

I decided I'm going to try to do 30 days of no alcohol. Or maybe all of March, idk. Given that the last day I drank was the day before march 1st it's kind of nicely rounded off so I'll see. But realistically, it's a really long time for me. I might only make it a week. Who knows. I want to say something to my friends and properly document if and stuff, but I'm afraid of failing. I'm already known for being flaky and not following through. I don't want people to just never take me seriously. I even feel nervous about that here, but I should remember this is literally supposed to be an anonymous blog where I can talk about the stuff that troubles me that I can't talk about elsewhere. Alcohol will also tie into food and weight stuff anyway.

I can't remember what I last said here...I know I said about doing loads of cleaning as a workout, and that I wasn't sure if I should try a higher intake with more exercise seeing as I never actually lose anything. Anyway, that. And also that Im basically permanently on a higher antidepressant dose now, which helps me with my energy levels. I hope it doesn't fuck with my metabolism too much more.

So I bought an A5 ring binder planner thing and I decided to use it as a proper weight loss and food diary. They're so damn expensive - I normally get scrapbooks or sketchbooks and use them as kind of joint planner/journal/sketchbook/whatever, but I wanted something where I could easily rearrange the pages. I love cute stationery so whenever I need to motivate myself to do something it's always good for me to do something decorative.

I think I'm going to base the contents kind of on something like this but I want a different look to it and also some different actual contents. I also won't commit to 90 days because I know I do better with smaller increments, and 30 days is already a lot. Or 31 or whatever. I really love the look of Milkjoy planners but they only make them in A6, and sometimes they have sweets as decorative stuff, which I love but I don't want anything that might make me crave junk food. So I'm staying away from food motifs unless it's lemons or carrots or something.

I'm going to have an initial section with info and stuff to reference, so I'll have a list of meal ideas and their nutritional info, a collection of recipes, a place to write out a weekly meal plan (and maybe make a grocery list? But I tend to use my phone for that irl so maybe I won't bother), and a list of various workouts that I could do. Then something relevant to me like nutritional goals (eg calorie limits, protein etc) and places to record my weight, measurements, body fat, overview stuff like that. Then the daily pages with all the stuff I want to do each day and whether I actually do them, weight, food intake etc. Maybe a recap page at the end of each week.

I'm also tempted to put a thinspo section in my info bit at the front, but to do that I'd have to arrange a load of photos to be printed and actually go print them out. My laptop is kind of dead so it'd have to be from my phone which I don't like doing. But then also if I'm gonna keep doing this sort of planner I'd like to draw myself up some proper graphics to print out so I'd have to print stuff anyway eventually. But then to do that I need my laptop working. Idk.

So. It's really my last chance to make any kind of change before my birthday. I feel like I should just push harder at restriction and stuff, but recent experience tells me that's not working. I kind of have nothing to lose (except 52lbs) by trying something else. The idea is I go for a standard "diet" amount of food, so like in the 1000-1500 range, but I do a lot more exercise. This is kind of what I meant to do when I first started this account, but I'll have more exercise this time. When I started this page all I could do was light cardio (see Reps to the Rhythm on YouTube, he's great for when you can't do intense workouts but want to do something) and light stretches and just all light stuff - now with less alcohol and more Prozac I'm able to do a lot more. At least I hope I still am. Going by the cleaning and stuff I did recently, I think I can start doing more in terms of workouts. Idk. I'll have a base amount of food to eat and only eat more if I start getting too weak or tired to do my workouts - essentially, the priority will be having the energy to exercise, rather than restricting my intake.

This is why staying away from alcohol will tie into it a lot. I'm past bad withdrawals so at this point not drinking will help my energy levels and metabolism etc. Today is the 2nd day since I drank, and I don't feel terrible, which means I haven't made myself really sick again. Thank fuck. I drank too much and I started feeling not great and I was scared I'd fucked up again. Last time it took 2 days for me to get really ill so I've been nervous. But I think I'm past the risk zone now.

I do still feel sick and a bit tired. But I think that's also due to my period. I always feel terrible on my period. I'm going to do what I can but I need to know not to push myself too much. If I do that I get exhausted and have to rest and recover and it ends up worse than if I just stayed gentle with myself. Today Ive put my laundry up to dry and I'll try to do something else again later, idk what. But I'll also keep building my planner. All these bits of advice to myself will go into it. I'll write out all the stuff I've been thinking so that it's all in one place and I don't have to remember it all or go between different sites and pages looking for it. I'll move some things around in my studio and make space for my exercise bike because I think I can start on that again soon, and space for proper upper body workouts. I might even set up a PS2 in the lounge so I can play DDR again. Idc what year it is, that is the best HIIT I've ever done and I miss it and I lost so much weight when I used to play it. So I should build myself up to be able to do loads of exercise and see how my body changes - I know that even if I don't lose weight, I'll look better and less flabby and gross. But we'll see how that all goes.

#minus50 ref

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anxietysroomsupport · 4 years

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Im in a bit of recovery from a restrictive eating disorder, and my life feels like chaos. Part of me wants to restrict again to get some control, but I'm too tired to and if my girlfriend finds out I don't know how she'll react. So instead of restricting I've turned to basically binging whenever I feel bad enough. I have a habit of making mistakes that hurt my girlfriend a lot, and every time I fuck up big time I'll binge. It's happened a lot and I don't know what to do. Is it my fault? Idk..

Hi Anon,

Recovering from eating disorders is hard and it’s great that you’re trying! It’s actually really common for folks recovering from restrictive eating disorders to struggle with “binging”. Here’s another blog’s post about why it can be so difficult and they list some additional sites to check out. (The last link on their post is broken now, but the rest still work.) The different links range a lot in tone and how much science is referenced, but they’re all really informative.

A word of caution on one of the links in the other post: the Fat Nutrionist mentions that eating something that could potentially kill you is still a choice you can make. This is used as an extreme example of free will. It is portrayed as a bad choice and should not be considered advocating for self-harm. We want you to live pain-free and be happy.

The most brief and straight-forward link is here. Essentially, it’s all about giving yourself permission to eat whatever, whenever. It’s not your fault this is happening because this is just something that a lot of people experience after they’ve been restricting their food intake and it’s not actually that bad of a thing.

It also sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of guilt and really the only way to help with that is to practice self compassion and make sure you have good coping mechanisms like distractions, hobbies, and self care practices. It’s okay that you’re at this stage. It’s okay that you’re binge eating sometimes.

It’s also okay that you make mistakes sometimes. Everyone does. Try talking to your girlfriend when things have cooled down a bit and maybe you can make a plan that works for both of you to either help you avoid making the same mistakes, or see if there are some areas where she could be a little more forgiving about things. If she’s having a really strong reaction every time you slip up on something, it can be a lot to deal with emotionally.

There are a lot of things to act on in this post, so just take your time and prioritize your own self care and happiness. It can be a long process to fully regain positive feelings about food, but you can get there. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. You can do this.

-Kai, Miss Fay

#ed #eating disorders #restriction #bingeing #food #cursing #girlfriend

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 4 years

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1/2 so i’ve been dealing with (read ignoring) an ankle/foot injury for a number of weeks/months. i kept telling myself it was fine because there’s no bruising etc and i was marathon training and had consulted with a pod who showed me how to strap etc. in reality it’s not getting better and it’s been about 10 weeks since the original injury. the marathon has been cancelled. ive pulled back on training but i think i probably need a proper rest... i’m scared that ill put on weight but ashamed that

2/2 this is my fear because i am the first to say it does not matter and weight fluctuates etc etc which i DO believe but i also have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and find change hard. also im scared of losing fitness and having to start again.. i don’t really know what my question is. tell me to take time off? going to try and get a go app & mri scan for see if there’s any visible damage to ankle/foot but don’t know that i’ll be able to with all the restrictions atm... sigh.

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okay hi I weirdly love that you sent me this message, don’t get me wrong that is a shitty spot to be in and I’m sending you a big hug, BUT I feel like I could have literally written this myself I resonate SO much so....hopefully because of that I can say something somewhat useful.

First of all. Take a break. I mean it. Just stop everything for like...a week to start (obviously longer is fine too, but a week might seem less terrifying at first). That doesn’t mean oh I’ll take a break from running but bike 20 miles a day...no! I am also someone who has an EXTREMELY hard time giving myself permission to rest (aside from my rest day) because I will internally debate until the end of time over whether or not it’s necessary etc. etc. and honestly I get a huge sense of relief when a medical professional tells me to take a break because I’m like oh okay cool this is literally their career they know what they are talking about and I’m listening to their advice. BUT especially if you are injured and you ARE injured from what I am hearing here even if you do not technically have the scans to prove it yet, you NEED to rest. If you keep going and pushing through the pain you are going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole and it is going to take WAY longer to dig yourself out. Also, especially given your ED history, I would be extra precautious about handling injuries and ensuring proper recovery. Obviously I know literally nothing about your injury or your ED background, but I would not take a lack of bruising to mean that it’s nothing serious (I’m not trying to scare you here but I feel like sometimes we need to have someone just shove the truth in our face so here you go). If it is something like a stress fracture for instance (which again, I have NO idea the details of your issue so maybe it isn’t), then you might not *see* anything but your bones would LITERALLY BE BREAKING and the more you run on that the more you are breaking them down and the recovery could move from just needing a few weeks rest to needing surgery. Not to mention the long term damage you would be doing to your body. Something I had to really, really come to terms with after I got my stress fracture was realizing I had been underfueling for YEARS and even if I wasn’t actively trying to restrict myself, I had gotten used to not eating enough and that meant my bones were breaking down more and more every. single. day. and it is easiest to build bone density when you are young and gets progressively more difficult as you age so the choices you make today are going to affect you deeply in the future. It’s easy to see it as just one extra run or one skipped snack but the truth is that for those of us who buy into those things we never really stop at one, and all of those “just this one time”s add up. And it’s not good. This past summer I forced myself to take a week off of literally everything not because anything was physically wrong but because I realized I was exercising way too much and significantly undereating and I knew I was on the fast track to hurting myself and causing long term damage.

To your second point about fear of gaining weight- first of all I have so, so, so much respect for you for being able to admit that fear because realistically a lot of us have it, I certainly dealt with it when I was injured, and even if we rationally know that in the grand scheme of things it ~doesn’t matter~ the truth is that coming from an ED background the thought of weight gain is probably going to cause some anxiety! like you said I could talk all day about why gaining weight doesn’t matter and you are more than a number etc. etc. but you and I both already know that. Maybe this is a problematic approach that I’m about to share but honestly if someone had told me this when I first found out about my stress fracture it probably would have relieved anxiety and especially given these wild times I think relieving anxiety is prob a good thing- when I had my stress fracture I didn’t workout for four months. Literally NOTHING. no cross training. no swimming. no biking. no walks. I was on crutches. I literally had to be driven to class. My activity level was at a -12. I ate almost exactly the same as when I wasn’t injured (which, led me to learn I was DEFINITELY under eating), and I gained MAYBE like....5 pounds or less (or maybe none at all it honestly was probably 99% in my head). Literally not enough for anyone at ALL to notice except for me because my pants felt a tiny bit tighter. This honestly made me question a lot of things. For one, I knew I needed to really up my intake when I was allowed to be active again. Two, I started to reallllly question WHY I felt the need to do all this activity if being completely inactive didn’t lead to my body changing much. It made me realize how much I underlyingly relied on exercise to micromanage my body. It was a lot to think about.

ALSO. I didn’t get my period regularly for about 4 years and once that stress fracture hit I made it my MISSION to get it back (and I did!) because that is a huge red flag and I knew that if I wasn’t getting it, that once my bone healed even if I was cleared to run again I was just on track to get another injury because sure maybe THAT injury healed but my shitty bones were still shitty and that meant another injury was just as likely. I decided that gaining a little weight (whatever that meant) was critical because I would much rather be a few pounds heavier than constantly switching between running and injured. Also, more importantly, I want to be able to be active throughout my whole life and if your bones are shit at 21 (when I got my stress fracture) you are probably going to be really f**ked once you are actually the age that people’s bones start to deteriorate.

The most important thing I have learned is that everything you do in terms of over exercise/under eating has HUGE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES and it is SO easy to ignore that when you are in the thick of it because often you don’t feel those consequences until years later but listen, you do not want to wait for things to get really bad before you decide to start trying to truly, properly recover.

It’s really easy to get caught in that inbetween place of not doing horribly but also definitely not feeling as free as you could when it comes to food/body stuff. Ask yourself WHY you are scared of gaining weight and like I said, operating under the assumption that we know weight gain is okay etc. etc., realistically your body is probably not going to go through some wild change if you just take a break. Think about it, most people barely exercise and they eat whatever and they are all FINE! It’s easy on the internet/social media to feel like everyone is out running 23498239432 miles and eating kale or whatever but most people really aren’t like that and they are getting along just fine.

Also, something that helped me was realizing that I really do not want to spend my whole life constantly terrified that if I eat too much or take a break or whatever my body is going to change etc. etc. and I realized that if i don’t want to spend my whole life worried about that then at SOME POINT I was going to have to just start living how I wanted to because 1. once you start living how you want to you realize the world does not in fact end and you can have your cake and eat it too (ha). and 2. you aren’t going to just suddenly wake up one day and not care about these things anymore, if you really want to be free from it you need to make a conscious effort to live the life you actually want, not the one that is stemmed in fear

In the past year I have grown SO much in terms of food/exercise. And my body has literally not changed. I was holding on so tightly to this perceived control that was entirely unnecessary. Your body is designed to want to stay generally the same (unless of course you are currently in an unhealthy spot) and when you just chill out for a sec you realize that your body is capable of doing naturally what you thought you had to be micromanaging and taking care of all along.

I will leave you with a quote that I heard one time somewhere (how’s that for a source) “You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose”

By letting your body heal

By not making decisions out of fear of gaining weight

By eating what you want

etc.

This was long af and I may have rambled but I hope it helps. Like I said, I’m not trying to scare anyone but also sometimes feeling a little bit of that “oh shit wtf am I doing” feeling is the kick in the butt you need. (but I know it is super duper hard and I am sending you all the love and support and also hoping your foot is something minor)

So yes, take a break, talk to your dr, be super honest with them. When I had my stress fracture my dr and pt were both like ok here’s the deal- rest and eat a lot of food. so I would advise that ;)

#answered

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kpop-pick-me-up · 5 years

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So, can I say something real quick about Kpop idols?

This has been a thought on my mind basically since I joined the Kpop community, and I know some people might react weird or not understand what I'm trying to say but that doesn't matter to me. Putting this out there does.

*ahem* NO KPOP IDOL IVE SEEN PEOPLE CALL CHUBBY IS ACTUALLY CHUBBY.*ahem*

Like for real. I see posts talking about how Suga's cheeks get chubbier on break, and how Haechan's cheeks have gotten chubbier, or "before" and "after" pictures of idols who have gone on a diet and people saying "I miss when they were chubby" like.... They never were and they aren't. This is just what they'd actually look like if they got a normal amount of sleep, ate like a normal human, and didn't dance for 4-12 hours a day. That's not chubby, that's how they'd naturally look.

Chubby, to me means that a person is slightly overweight, or that they're a healthy weight but naturally softer and can look more fuller. Which is all beautiful. And I'm aware this can be a culture difference because of how idols are expected to be thin and perfect but sometimes when I look at them I just think about how unhealthy some (not all) of them must be physically.

Because on a mini tangent: when someone eats so little amount of food for so long and is they are always in a caloric deficit (so let's say youre recommended amount to maintain your weight is 2000, but you constantly eat 1500, or 1200-1400 calories a day) their metabolism adapts so that it's natural state of burning to maintain IS 1500 or 1200-1400. So they'd HAVE to eat less to lose weight, or fix their metabolism by slowly increasing their food intake so their metabolism can adjust to a normal amount of food again. But to do that their weight would plateau or they'd even gain a little bit. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with an idol gaining weight or doing any of this, except for the fact that they'd be called "fat" by the media. Nobody actually seems to care about an idol's health. And imagine what calling them "chubby" does to them when it's just them eating normally. Why do you THINK idols always go on strict diets before a comeback? Because they know that if they eat normally people would know and call them chubby. And I'm not saying this offends them, but I know that I would feel so pressured and judged subconsciously to eat less and lose the "chubbiness" because the media must see it too if fans do.

And I know some idols don't care or even just say they don't care (but trust me, they probably do), and I know some of you guys don't mean to hurt their feelings and just mean to say it innocently, it still encourages this unhealthy mindset that all idols MUST be borderline unhealthy, and just BARELY a healthy weight or diet amount. This gives their employers a reason to make them do those crazy restricted diets (ice cube diet, or the IU diet for example) and force them to lose weight because they KNOW and SEE what you do as well, and can see when you comment on it.

To put this into a different perspective as well, as someone who's been struggling with an eating disorder, looking at really thin idols like Jimin, Suga, Haechan, etc who all weigh less than me and are taller than me and to see them called "chubby" kicked my mind into comparison mode and said "then I must be HUGE." Or "I won't ever officially be skinny or pretty until I weigh the same as them or less" because that's how a sick mind works. So not only does this infect the idols minds and encourage the bad mindset, but it can infect their fans minds to think that they aren't good enough.

I've never wanted to point fingers at this because I love it so much, but I can't be a fucking liar anymore and hide behind it because I want to get better, and I'm tired of believing that I'm too big, or that I'll always be chubby until I'm 90lbs like all the female Kpop idols. But sometimes the Kpop fandom can trigger my eating disorder. There, I said it. Fight me. Because you call thin idols chubby, and you implant this way of thinking that how they eat is okay, and that weighing 90lbs and eating 1200 calories a day is a lifestyle or that constantly restricting and not focusing on nutrients or what body type I am is how life works because IT ISNT. Some people may be that naturally, but the fact that some idols noticably change a little bit when they eat normally on breaks shows that how they are on stage isn't natural.

And to end this off as a disclaimer again, I know people don't mean to be triggering, and they don't think there's anything wrong in what they're doing (which I understand), but you also have to really take a second to think about what you're saying a little bit. Chubby is a word that is either black or white to people. Either they think it's cute, or they think it's an insult. That all depends on culture and self esteem and blah blah blah. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being chubby, or that it's a bad thing to be because it is definitely NOT and I think everyone is beautiful how they're meant to be. So of you're 90lbs or 140, or 180, or 200+ or anything in between naturally you're all still beautiful and have your own necessary standards to consume to be healthy that will be different from everyone else. However, that is where the issue lies. Because most idols weren't born as thin as they are, they are usually forced and conditioned to be that way. But to help you decide whether it's okay to make these comments, ask yourself this when you're about to call an idol chubby:

1: am I calling them chubby because they're "eating well" (a normal diet) and they've started filling out?

2:Would I like it if someone I loved, respected or whom I cared about their opinion called me "chubby" after finally getting off of a restricted diet and just eating healthy but normal amounts of food?

3: If I was a Kpop media outlet and saw that they gained weight, what would I write? (Really put yourself in their shoes and be honest.)

4: Am I calling them chubby cheeks because they're just puffing them out and being cute? (Then okay, it's fine)

5: when I say this, are they really chubby? Or has my mind been twisted to think they are just like their critics?

And I know that may seem extreme, but that's how it is. You all preach about how self love should be more important in the "toxic" Kpop industry but still subconsciously encourage its toxic behavior. So instead of comments like "omg your cheeks are so chubby now! <3" or "awwww look at his tummy he gained!" Say: "Omg, you look so healthy! ", " You've been looking extra cute recently 😍" and stuff like that. Because it still gets the point across that you like seeing them healthier, but it doesn't use possibly triggering words like chubby or thick because they are neither.

Anyways that's my mini rant. I don't mean to trigger people, or point fingers because I used to do it too. But I think we all need to collectively recognize this as part of the issue, and say, "huh, maybe that could hurt their feelings a little but EVEN IF I DONT MEAN TO, OR ITS NORMAL WHERE IM FROM TO SAY AS A COMPLIMENT"

Because as one of my favorite quotes puts it in words perfectly "You don't get to decide whether you hurt someone or not." So yes, people like me are sensitive, and yes, it may not seem like a big deal to you. But honestly I've sat by and respected all of your guy's opinions and words for a while now, and I think it's now okay for me to say "hey, this kind of bugs me a bit." Without being looked at as weird or annoying.

So in the nicest way possible, say what you want, but I'm not taking this down. I've made myself clear and as understanding as possible. But people like me who have an eating disorder, had one in the past, or are on the road to developing one, or someone who is about to start one of the insane Kpop diets, needs to know that this isn't normal. And they shouldn't compare themselves to the unhealthy kpop standards like it did.

Anyways, thanks for listening to my rant.

~DeepSheep

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brookerecovers · 6 years

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ptw for (minimal) ed behaviors mentioned

my therapist is having me do some simple self compassion exercises. one is just telling myself that i'm okay and doing my best. even if i feel horrible about something i've done, feel guilty for eating, feel guilty for not eating, etc,.

so here is one for today:

i woke up feeling awful because of abusing laxatives combined with fasting. i felt so ill that i actually 1. forced myself to eat a bigger breakfast than normal and 2. am having one of those days where i really really want to recover, because wtf why am i torturing myself??

but here is the thing--even though i'm feeling kind of positive about recovery and feeling today like i want it more than i usually do, i'm not going to act on it. im still going to restrict today, just probably not as intensely that i have been for the past 2-3 weeks. because restriction still feels so so safe. and i don't think i can challenge myself right now.

i began to feel guilty about this--why am i letting the ed win, when for once i'm feeling a bit more motivated/ encouraged to try recovery?

but guilt and shame will only compound and make things worse. so here is what i say to you today, brain:

i am doing the best that i can right now with what i have right now. i should even feel proud that i was able to up my caloric intake even a little bit today. because that's a sign that somewhere (deeeeep deep down lmao) there's a part of me that still cares about my health, and wants to feel good and healthy and alive. so it's not a big step, but i am doing the best that i can right now. and i am okay. and i can try again tomorrow.

#recovery win #(kinda lol)#recovery #ed recovery #edulting #ptw #ednos recovery #ednos #osfed recovery #self compassion #empathy #baby steps #positivity #eating disorder tw #eating disorder recovery #actuallyed #actuallyednos #actuallyosfed #positive

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honestlywhateverahh · 4 years

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26.01.

very dark chocolate (200)

1 cucumber (40)

1 orange (80)

protein beef jerkey (80)

frozen banana ft. cinnamon (100)

2 bonbons cuz i'm ill (20)

dried mango stripes (200)

yoghurt rice cake (80)

1 small carrot (20)

820 so far, rounded, it's 3pm and i'm not even hungry, just in a snacking mood ... going for another yoghurt rice cake

2 yoghurt rice cakes (160)

dried mango stripes (100)

protein snack/nuts (180)

so we are at 1260 calories and i also did a workout

as my goal is a lil higher (1600ish) imma go for some dark chocolate now and some more veggies later

if i (like some ppl on here) didn't count calories from fruits/veggies my count would be veery low ... like on some days that's all i eat? and on other days i eat some nuts, fish, bread, dark chocolate and meat but ... still, the bigger part of my intake consists of fruits/veggies and i think that's good, i'm still worrying about calories and obsessively working out most of the time but at least the stuff that i eat is HEALTHY and lately i managed to consume a considerably high amount of calories, my goal is to keep on doing that and hope that the feeling of guilt may pass at some point? i shouldn't gain any weight from what i've been eating lately, might even lose some more fat and build up muscle instead (which is one of the reasons why i include as much protein as possible in my diet), maybe that's gonna help prove my sick thoughts wrong and establish a healthier relationship with food. i'm NOT gonna end up in a hospital EVER, i don't need therapy for this, it's fine. some days i might find myself struggling with eating even just a few grapes, yeah - but this is TEMPORARY, and you know what? i still eat the grapes then. i know that my body needs nutrients. i'm trying to let it heal.

dark chocolate (100)

yoghurt rice cake (80)

1440 so far

1/2 slice of bread with chicken breast (100)

1540 kcals

and i think that's it for today, or should i eat another orange/yoghurt rice cake/chocolate bar to really reach or go past 1600? i mean apart from working out i pretty much just stayed at home today & i didn't move too much so 1500kcals might not be that bad ... oh fuck it imma decide that later, for now im just gonna drink some more water.

update:

grapes (but i didn't fucking count them because fuck you brain, imma guess like 60?)

so thats 1600

but i want dark chocolate

and you know what i'm gonna fucking get some now because i'm tired of this bullshit and also scared of gAiNiNg iT aLl bAcK if i lose weight by restricting AND actually i don't wanna fucking lose so much weight i just wanna put on some muscle and tone up a little more, AS LONG AS I AM NOT CONSTANTLY GONNA OVEREAT I WON'T GAIN, MY BODY NEEDS ENERGY, THE VERY DARK CHOCOLATE I HAVE ISN'T THAT FUCKING UNHEALTHY, I WANNA BE ABLE TO NOT FUCKING WORRY ABOUT CALORIES ALL THE TIME WHEN I GO TO FRANCE IN A FEW MONTHS, CRAVING FOOD MEANS MY BODY NEEDS FOOD AND I FUCKING NEED ENERGY TO EVEN PUT ON MUSCLE so fuck it imma have some chocolate

1700

k that number looks huge

STILL imma eat that chocolate now bye

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edrecoveryprobs · 7 years

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RE: Anons (finally!!) 1-8

In this post:

#2: How to handle surgery-related diets

#4: our fave recovery blogs

#5: dealing with bullying about vitiligo

#8: Recovering through the transition to college + how to challenge romanticizing ED thoughts

[CW behavior mention]

1. hi, sorry to bother you but I'm nervous I might have an eating disorder? I've been hospitalized for malnutrition in the past, but I just wasn't eating enough. the behaviors now are like binge purge restrict so on so on. I've been eating about [x] calories a day now because I want to lose weight without binging/ purging. should i tell someone about this, or is this normal?

FAQ #3 but yes definitely tell someone who can help!

2. I have to have a endoscopy/colonoscopy in a few weeks, and the prep for it has me completely on edge. In order to have the procedure done, I have to eat a restricted diet for a week, not eat for [x amount of time], and then take a super powerful laxative. My doctor also recommended I go on a weight loss diet, even though I'm still at a healthy BMI. After being recovered for several years, I've been struggling with a relapse, and I'm afraid that this will push me over the edge. Any tips on how to deal?

Sorry this is so late! Here’s advice for anyone else in your situation.

First, tell your doctor! Ask which elements of this are most important, and which can be worked around. Your ED is a complicating condition, so they should really know about it -- they’re treating YOU, not just your colon.

Second, give your laxatives to someone you trust, preferably someone who lives with you. If you can, enlist their support with mealtimes as well. If you get really sad at the end of the meal bc you can feel yourself falling back into that old place, that’s okay. Have them remind you that this is temporary, and that food is not as black-and-white as your ED wants it to be. Cede responsibility for figuring out your intake to this trusted person. Also -- make sure no one lets you know your weight at any point! Perhaps they can tell you when you’re back at your normal weight but that’s it!! The less you can obsessively track, the better.

Third, get into therapy NOW. Once this diet is over and everything gets quiet is when the ED stuff really starts to hit. I find that usually my recovery phase is ½ as long as my restrictive phase if I’m in therapy, and 2x as long if I’m not.

Fourth, acknowledge that this is unusually difficult and that struggling with a difficult thing doesn’t negate all the work you’ve been doing for years. You’ve built a solid foundation that has a good chance of keeping you stable through this rough time, and even if that starts to crack you have those same foundation-building skills to get it back to good.

I hope things went well for you <3

3. your blog always makes me feel valid and safe. thank you.

You’re so welcome! I’m glad it helps <3

4. Hey!! Do you know of any other positive recovery blogs? Im too scared to look in the tags bc they're full of pro ana things :( I love your blog, thank you!!! ❤❤

Fyoured was my fave, idk if they’re still active though! There’s also scienceofeds but that’s mostly summarizing current medical literature on it. Edreocoverystarfish and clinicallydepressedpug are also great! You can also check out our reblog tag

5. I've been suffering from vitiligo practically my whole life and it's something that affects me both psychically and emotionally. My brother often makes fun of me because of it, his favourite name for me is ''Michael Jackson"

That’s so shitty of him. If it helps, siblings tend to be rather shitty as they’re growing up, because it usually takes like 15-20 years to learn the basic emotional skills it takes to really be there for someone you love. Some people (especially masculine-identified people because of the social penalties associated) take longer to learn or never do at all. That’s not your fault.

For what it’s worth, siblings tend to make fun of whatever your biggest insecurities are, because humans learn how to affect others’ emotions before they learn how to affect them positively. Mine was acne for a while, especially since I struggle with dermatillomania (skin-picking) -- my siblings would wait for a Papa John’s commercial of a pepperoni pizza, point to it, and say “hey look, it’s Selena! HA HA HA!!”. My sister was really insecure about her hair being parted exactly down the middle, so my other sister and I would make fun of her for that. What I mean to say is, it’s not about the vitiligo. It’s about your brother not having learned yet how to NOT be a rude little shit.

Also, there’s no absolute that different colored patches of skin are ugly or bad. Calico cats are so cute! Freckles are adorable! Winnie Harlow is so talented! Find reminders in your life and/or online that different isn’t bad, and that this difference can be jaw-droppingly gorgeous or heart-breakingly adorable or lovably cute. It’s all about how you wear it.

And finally, know that love is always a choice -- including self-love. Rather, it is a combination of tons of small choices. Am I treating myself with love? Do I talk to myself lovingly, the way I would talk to a friend who was in my situation? Do I appreciate what my skin does for me, pigment or no pigment? Am I cultivating a life full of things and people that validate that love? It’s hard at first, it always is, but once you start it becomes a really awesome habit. Here is a great place to start (adjust pronouns as appropriate).

Sending you lots of love <3

[CW poop mention]

6. Hi, this incredibly embarrassing, but I recently experienced some personal trauma and so I am having problems with eating... Mostly restrictive and the inability to swallow some foods. However, I am having some digestive problems, mostly issues with skid marks. I was wondering if this is common and if there is a remedy for it... This is the first time I have experienced something like this. Sorry.

First, I really honestly don’t think anyone goes through their life without ever getting skid marks lol so you’re not a freak at all. I get them from time to time and I don’t really have digestive problems. Usually it just means I need to eat more fiber or adjust the balance of my diet. Also, this might sound weird, but anal kegels might help! The anal ring is all muscles, after all, and if restricting is a problem then all muscles have probably atrophied a little bit, including those. And finally, it might just be bad toilet paper. There’s lots of kinds that are practically useless and turn into a pulpy mess instead of doing their damn job. If you’re at home, consider getting stronger toilet paper (2-ply etc) or carrying baby wipes in a purse or backpack. Black underwear can also help with the insecurity aspect.

7. I love your blog so much! It helps knowing what other people are going through while making it a little humorous. Stay awesome!!

:D will do!

[CW romanticizing relapse, negative body image] 8. I have been battling with my ed for [x amount of time] now. In [y]th grade I got so tiny, I felt so pretty. I had never been skinny until then. I gained a lot of weight from being on so many medications, and now I am at an average weight but I am so unhappy with my body. I still struggle with purging and skipping meals. I start college this fall and I am terrified that I am going to let ana control me since no one will notice. I just want to feel beautiful and I know I wont until I'm tiny…

Something I’ve been going through recently is trying to lovingly remind myself when these thoughts pop up: I’m not believing this stuff because it’s true, I believe it because I’m literally crazy. It’s somewhat counterintuitive, but those beliefs can really take ahold of you if you take them seriously. But it’s just a symptom of the mental illness you know you already have. It’s like if you were prone to visual or audial hallucinations -- they feel real. They look real. They sound real. Of course you’d believe there are lions chasing you right now, because all of the senses you usually trust are indicating that that’s true. But also, if you can use the knowledge you have to try to see past them, you can actually interact much better with your environment.

Facts: you feel unhappy with your body. You still struggle with disordered behaviors. You start college this fall. College represents a big challenge to your ability to keep ana under control.

Beliefs: I can’t feel good unless I am thin. I can’t help but do what my ED says. I must keep this all a secret. I can’t get any help.

In the past 5 years, there have been times you’ve felt happy. Even when you weren’t thin. State memory means it’s hard to think of times you’ve felt differently, but it’s just a fact about human brains that we can’t feel one feeling for very long without switching it up.

Also, I guarantee you that you weren’t happy then. It’s so easy to romanticize thinness -- we see thinness romanticized literally ad nauseam -- but it’s such an empty feeling to be stuck in your ED. It’s so hopeless. It feels so crappy to walk into a restaurant with your friends, to see them all laughing and having fun when all you can think about is how terrifying it is to order food and how much you want to run away. When I really think about how awful each moment is with an ED, how I’m constantly either freaking out about eating or dreading the next time I’ll have to eat, how I had to numb myself constantly because reality felt so bleak.... Thin just isn’t worth it.

And let’s be clear: thin isn’t pretty. It’s just thin. Thin people CAN be pretty, but so can people of size, and so can very muscular people, and so can people whose body shape is more average. And eating disorders will make you thin at the expense of everything your body needs to maintain itself. It’s like insisting that houses are only thin if they have columns out front, so you hack off the front door, peel off the siding, pry up all the furniture, and stack up this pile of garbage to make some columns. You’re better off with a column-less but functioning house than one full of holes and empty inside.

Before you get to college, look up the mental health resources. Sign up for counseling through your school ASAP!!! Counseling tends to fill up as midterms approach, so this way you’ll be covered in case things go downhill later. Also, TELL people you trust. This you must do even if everything in you screams not to, because everything in you will scream not to, because your ED brain is actually trying to kill you. The more trusted people you tell, the less you have to fight it on your own, and the more resources you have to fight it. ALSO, see if there is an ED support group or a body positivity group on campus. Being around people who can gently call out disordered thoughts is a huge relief! And finally, explore other things that make you feel beautiful. Some people like makeup, and seeing how much of appearance is just illusion. Some feel beautiful when they know that they are strong and agile. Experiment with your clothing. Cut or dye your hair. Now is the time to test out different styles, and those are so much more fun to work on than calorie counting.

Lastly, you have more to do than be tiny. Mice are tiny. 5 cent candies are tiny. Pinky toe nails are tiny. What can you do that’s new? That helps you learn? That’s helpful? That’s exciting? Ana ignores all of that because of an obsession with BEING one thing. But ana doesn’t know shit about all the weird, cool, funny, wild stuff you can do. Show her what she’s missing.

Best of luck to you, and if you find yourself struggling in college don’t be afraid to message us back. We’re here for you throughout your recovery process <3

#surgery #laxatives #recovery and college #vitiligo #fanmail #skid marks #anonymous #ask

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venusgehalte · 7 years

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I need to lose weight.. Simple as that. Although in actuality one of the hardest things for me right now. I know im still at a relatively healthy weight but i cant help but feel that my size has gotten out of hand. My stomach sticks out a lot and my legs arent as nice as they used to be. People have made some vague comments regarding my weight that have stuck with me. All the nice clothes i want to wear dont suit me as much anymore. I just want to be happy with myself again. I used to look in the mirror and say to myself "your face is fucked up but at least your body looks good" now ive come to terms with my facial features,and i actually quite like them, but the problem has shifted from face to body. I got over my acne and found a way to deal with it, surely i must be able to do the same for my weight. In the beginning i tried all the wrong things: restricting,dieting, starving myself to get fast results. This only left me with an urge to binge that i havent been able to shake off ever since. Everyday theres cravings and urges to eat unnecessary foods when im not really hungry. The problem is that i cant remove them from my environment because my family consumes them. So i see them lying around and think "eh it shouldnt bring any harm" and end up binging til im too full. I cant eat a meal anymore without making sure i am 110 % full. I used to have a normal relationship with food, now i dont even remember what that feels like. My friends can eat 3 meals a day without urges or cravings. I dont know how i can go back. Im unhappy with my body and i know what to do to change this, theres just forces working against me that i cant get a grip on. Ive beem doing intermittent fasting for 2 weeks now, which has helped with reducing food intake by reducing my meals from 3 to 2 a day. The only thing in my way is the constant snacking and binging. If i can get past that my health is going to impeove. I just dont know how to get rid of it.

#binge #ed #weightloss #long post #eating disorder #bed

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dieingontheinside420 · 7 years

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Try to get to at least 30 points a day You can customise this diet however you like. This is my personal diet. Calorie intake 0-200 = 10 points  201-350 = 8 points  351-500 = 5 points  501-600 = 3 points  601-750 = 1 points  750-950 = 0 points  950+ = -8 points Water intake  9 Glasses = 10 points  8 Glasses = 9 points  7 Glasses = 8 points  6 Glasses = 7 points  5 Glasses = 6 points  4 Glasses = 4 points  3 Glasses = 3 points  2 Glasses = 2 points  1 Glasses = 1 points  0 Glasses = 0 points Exercise 1 hr + = 10 points  45 min = 8 points  30 min = 5 points  15 min = 2 points  0 min = 0 points Hours slept  8 hours = 10 points  7 hours = 8 points  6 hours = 7 points  5 hours = 5 points  4 hours = 4 points  3 hours = 2 points  2 hours or less = 0 points ------------------------------------- I remember scrolling through Instagram when I was 11 and seeing this photo and not knowing what it meant. I remember standing in front of a mirror and noticing how huge my thighs were and how my body didn’t look anything like hers. I remember feeling disgust in myself for the first time. I scrolled through that blog for hours and looked at the photos of pretty girls I’d never be. I remember the next day when I skipped my first meal. Two weeks later I fasted for the first time. I remember turning 12 and not being around anyone because I had pushed everyone away because I hated how I felt around anyone that I thought was skinnier than I was. I remember my mom telling me that she thought I might be coming down with something because I was suddenly loosing so much weight. I remember my 6th grade teacher pulling me aside one day and asking me if they were treating me alright at home because of how sick I was starting to look. I remember my friends starting to ask me if I was okay and I just ignored them and walked away. I remember when my mom found rotting food in my closet that I forgot to throw away, I remember her yelling at me and asking what it was. I remember my parents searching my room and finding notebooks filled with calories and exercises and dates and self hate. I remember being admitted into a hospital the summer before my 7th grade year because I had gone from 90 pounds to 65. I remember my parents crying and my sister who was 7 asking my why my stomach was smaller than theirs and I remember the day that I tried to kill myself in the hospital using a shower curtain. I was released three months later, five days before my 7th grade year was going to start and I remember that I was finally okay again and I could finally eat a cheeseburger without clawing at my throat and stomach. And then I saw this picture again. I remember almost puking because a wave of emotion so big it almost drowned me washed over my brain. I remember how I deleted the app that I saw it on again but it was no use because I went back to staring at my thighs and how they were starting to rub and touch at the top again and how it disgusted me. And I remember repeating the same process I did back in sixth grade until I passed out because I hadn’t eaten in 5 days and I was scared to drink water because it made my stomach get a little bit bigger. And I remember more hospitals and more doctors. And I remember being nursed back to health once again and how I had no friends anymore and how my parents always fought because they blamed my diets on themselves. Months passed and things were fine again. Years passed and things got harder and tougher but never that bad. I hardly ever went on social media. Things were okay up until a few months ago, the summer before my 12 grade year. And then I saw this photo again. ------------------------------------- The trick to starving I feel like most people assume the trick to starving yourself is through restriction. No eating after 7. No eating white carbs. No this. No that. But, the more you focus on the ‘no’s, the more you want them and that’s where binging comes in to play and going mental. But, honestly it makes it so much harder. What I’ve found is actually the opposite. Not being restrictive, in the sense of not letting these thoughts be so consistently present throughout the day, is what has helped me eat less. If you build of the mentality that you don’t care, and you don’t want it and you don’t feel like eating. It’s so much easier and you’re not thinking about food all the time. You think about other more important things in life, while still being able to lose the weight you want. Just don’t focus on it so much, and eat little bit of healthy food. stay safe everyone. ------------------------------------- Some meanspo I wrote!! Hey fatass, how’s it going? I guess that’s a stupid question, because everything’s probably shitty in your life, what with you being such a fucking whale. Why do you eat so much? You don’t need to eat that much. Your body can survive on way less food than that. You have such high stores of fat that it would probably take you years to die from starvation. You may not be able to loose weight fast enough by just not eating, so what you need to do is start exercising. Like right now. Get up and stop looking at thinspo and actually workout. Do you really think that just sitting there looking at those pictures of skinny girls is going to make you as pretty as them? NO! Its wont. You need to get up off that he lazy ass of yours. Do you really actually want those skinny arms, that thigh gap, the flat stomach? Yes? Well it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it. If you really wanted to achieve it you would be working out instead of sitting on your technology like you have nothing better to do. There is always something better to do. If you’re reading this in public, walk a block or go and buy a cup of unsweetened green tea. It will raise your metabolism, whereas just sitting there will do nothing. Yes, I know working out is hard, but once you make it a habit it becomes so much easier. 21 days is all it takes to make something a habit, so start now. Start taking walks in the mornings and finishing your days off with a yoga sequence before you go to sleep. Start eating one meal a day, and make sure its salad or some other healthy food, as opposed to the fatty shit that you’re always shovelling into your mouth. Aren’t you embarrassed of those huge giggly thighs that rub together when you walk? Aren’t you sick of having a tummy instead of a flat stomach that your lover can rap their arms around? The only girls who flinch away when their stomach is being touched are fat worthless girls. They know they should be ashamed of that tummy the size of a fucking planet. Scrolling through Tumblr, always seeing the GIFs of sexy girls being touched seductively by their partners. If you keep on shovelling your fat face with food, that will never be you. Do you see those other blogs on Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr, where other anorexic girls will do body checks, and other people will reblog them, or post them on their page with the caption #goals? Do you know the reason they are the ones being called goals and not you? It’s because unlike you they actually have some damn self control, and don’t feel the uncontrollable need for that fatty double cheeseburger from McDonalds. You don’t need that, what you need is a sense of self control, a salad and a bottle of water. The only girls who get reblogged are the hot ones. Notice that almost no one ever reblogs photos of fattass girls unless they’re making fun of them? Well, that practically never happens. Yes, society says to embrace your curves and all that shit. But when has society ever stuck true o that, huh? Practically never. The curves they want are a round ass, and huge shapely breasts. They don’t want a huge flappy ass, and saggy titties. So come on, stay with it, and don’t eat that unhealthy food, it will just make you fatter than you already are. ------------------------------------- You fat fuck. How about you pick up a magazine with skinny girls in it before you pick up a fork. can’t you see how big your getting. People don’t tell you this shit just to spare your feelings but your fucking fat. And I hope you fucking get hit by a car because fat girls shouldn’t be able to walk the streets. You fucking retarded shitface, listen if you want to be skinny just DON’T FUCKING EAT. Don’t you get it by now? No food = no fat. Hello? Do you fucking understand? Ugh 😑 I hate fat people, I hate you can’t you see why every time you look in the mirror you fat fuck?fat is ugly, skinny is perfect. ------------------------------------- 100 REASONS TO GET SKINNY THINSPIRATION 1. Imagine how you’ll look in tight clothes. No rolls no shame. 2. You’ll be delicate and small. No longer will you be the fat ugly friend. 3. Collarbones. Imagine having them to touch instead of just looking at them in thinspo. 4. You’ll have a thigh gap. No more chafing and no more disgusting fat just oozing off your legs. 5. Watching the scale go down every day instead of watching it go up and feeling disgusting. 6. Your sister will envy you. 7. Your friends will be jealous of your self control and tiny body. They can preach self love while secretly hating themselves all they want. It won’t matter because you’ll be thin and beautiful. 8. Thin hands and tiny wrists. 9. Delicate ankles and small calves. No longer will you be an elephant. 10. When you walk it will be virtually silent. People won’t hear you coming a mile away with disgusting hippo footsteps. You will be tiny and quiet. A shadow and a whisper. 11. People will ask how you got so thin. Oh they’ll be envious but none of them are strong enough to reach their goals. 12. For once you will be in control. No more binging, no more hunger after already eating. You will be powerful in your decision to achieve your ideal body. 13. You won’t be too embarrassed to draw yourself. 14. You won’t have to only date fat people. 15. In a relationship you will always be tinier than your partner. They’ll be able to pick you up and twirl you around. 16. People will give you piggy backs instead of you giving them. 17. Never again will you be too heavy for something. 18. You won’t be dictated by your fat anymore. Whatever you want, wear it! Everything looks good on thin. 19. Imagine how cute you’ll look in lingerie. Lace will just accentuate your tiny form. 20. Getting naked won’t be embarrassing. Let them stare. You’ll be beautiful. 21. It won’t always be unrequited love. People you didn’t have a chance with as a fat girl will love you. People need to get past the outside to see the inside. Nobody will bother getting past a disgusting fat outside. 22. Wearing makeup will be fun, not embarrassing. 23. You will be your own thinspo. 24. You’ll spend way less money on food. Food is temporary and a waste of cash. Instead spend it on games and clothes. 25. Looking in the mirror won’t make you want to break it. 26. A flat stomach is cute and tiny. 27. Your face will look thin and dainty. No more double chins and disgusting fat cheeks . 28. When people take pics of you it won’t make you want to cry. You’ll be the pretty one. 29. You won’t have to keep your hair short. Long hair won’t make you look like a greasy land whale. 30. Girls will envy you instead of pity you. 31. You’ll be the smallest person in your family. No longer will you be the fattest. 32. People will whisper about how thin you’ve gotten. 33. You’ll be light like a feather. 34. Food won’t control you. Eating is a necessity, not a crutch. 35. Think of bony shoulders. You’ll be defined and delicate instead of a shapeless mass of fat. 36. You’ll be able to count your ribs. 37. When you bend over people will be able to see the ridges of your spine. No more flubber. 38. You’ll have a tiny cute butt. 39. Thigh high socks will fit and look adorable. 40. Boots that travel up your calves will actually fit. 41. Shorts will look good on you. 42. Carnival rides won’t be embarrassing. The bar won’t touch your stomach. If anything they’ll worry you’ll slip out. You’ll be able to ride with anyone because your weight is barely anything. 43. Seat belts will fit easily. No more embarrassing struggle to strap yourself in while people silently judge you. 44. Any style will look good on you. Experimenting with fashion will be fun and interesting. Your body won’t hold you back. 45. You’ll be in the underweight category instead of the overweight one. 46. Your father won’t be ashamed of your weight. Your grandmother won’t keep getting shocked by how fat you’ve gotten. Instead she’ll fuss because you’ll be too thin. 47. There will be a huge difference in your before and after pics, and you’ll be proud. 48. You’ll finally get to fit your aesthetic. No more being ashamed of how you look. You’ll be the cute nerdy book girl instead of the fat gamer nerd slob. 49. Instead of eating you can follow hobbies like painting your nails, doing makeup, drawing, writing, and walking out in nature. 50. If you want some fun you’ll be able to hook up with someone of quality. No sloppy seconds. You’ll be first choice, not oh-my-god-never. 51. In a romance novel you’d be the beautiful thin one, not the tragic never loved fat one. 52. Shopping will be fun. You won’t have to keep looking for bigger sizes. Large will be too large. 53. If you want to you can shop at places that don’t carry plus sizes and be able to fit. 54. Changing rooms will be roomy and you won’t feel squished. Looking in the mirror to see how you look won’t be a disappointment. 55. You’ll fit in tiny spaces. No more bumping into walls when you go by. 56. Your breasts will be small and perky instead of fat. 57. Rings will look cute on your bony fingers instead of squeezing them like fat sausages. 58. The scale won’t make you want to cry. 59. Nobody will recognize you. They won’t be able to believe you went from whale to skinny. 60. Choker necklaces will look delicate and dainty on your neck. You won’t have double chins getting in the way. 61. Your jawline will be defined and sharp. No longer will you be soft edges and squishy fat. 62. You’ll be the pretty one. 63. Guys will actually like you instead of think you’re a blob of disgusting fat. 64. People will date you. 65. When you’re measured against other girls you won’t be the ugly one. 66. You’ll be able to love yourself. 67. At Halloween parties you can dress however you want and look good. No more ghosts or pumpkins. 68. Onesies. Just imagine. 69. Guys will chase you instead of you chasing them. 70. It will be okay to have something nice to eat every once in a while because you’ll be a pro at staying in control and if you do gain half a pound you can lose it just like that. 71. You could be princess carried without breaking someone’s back. 72. It’ll be “You’re so skinny” instead of “You’re not fat”. 73. When you’re at the gym you’ll be the one making people jealous and embarrassed. 74. Your feet will look delicate and dainty when wearing heels instead of like fat blobs. 75. Thinspo blogs will use your picture as thinspo instead of reverse thinspo. 76. ‘Cute’ will be the first word to describe you, not ‘nice’. 77. People will be concerned. Maybe they shouldn’t have called you fat and ugly all those years. Oh well, now you’re thin and beautiful. 78. You could be a model. 79. Crop tops will make you look cute, not fat. 80. No muffin top. 81. At family gatherings your snobby relatives will be blown away by how beautiful you’ve become. 82. Your exes will wish they’d never let you go. 83. You’ll be able to pull of cosplay like a pro. You won’t be the fat version of everyone you cosplay. 84. Every day will be exciting because you won’t hate the clothes you wear or looking in the mirror or stepping on the scale. 85. Shopping for a prom dress will be fun. You’ll look like an ethereal goddess instead of a sausage roll. 86. You’ll be able to pull off a bikini. 87. Going swimming won’t be embarrassing. You’ll be able to wear a sexy bikini without feeling like a joke. 88. You could wear baggy clothes and look stylish instead of like a slob. 89. You could wear your boyfriend’s shirt and nothing but panties and it would be the hottest thing he’d ever seen. 90. People will stare because they can’t believe you’re so beautiful, not because you look like you just crawled out of a gutter. 91. Unhealthy food will taste gross. 92. You’ll have a small stomach so when you eat small portions you’ll still feel full. 93. Eating will become so unimportant sometimes you’ll actually forget to eat instead of binging like a pig. 94. You’ll look like a ballerina. 95. If you’re eating less meat you’re helping the environment and saving animals lives. 96. No matter what else is going on in your life you will have control over your body. Nobody can take that from you. 97. Empty feels better than full. 98. Processed foods are extremely unhealthy. You’re doing yourself a favor by not eating them. 99. You’ll have so much more time and money if you’re not wasting them on food. 100. You will finally love your body. ☆Remember to stay safe. We want to be skinny, not dead. You can’t slay with a killer body if you’re decomposing six feet under. Be kind to yourself. Every pound is progress. ------------------------------------- Dear me, You can eat that piece of cake when you’re at your goal weight. You can have that burger as soon as your stomach is flat when you sit down. You can drink that milkshake when your thighs don’t touch. I promise , you can have anything you want for a day as soon as you reach what you’ve been trying to for 4 fucking years, but right now? Right now, you can drink 8 glasses of water a day, exercise your ass off, skip some meals, don’t eat those sweets, don’t binge, don’t give in. You got this.  It’ll only take a couple months to get to where you want to be if you try. Just try for me, for us, please.  That’s all you’ve wanted forever.  You can’t keep looking at thinspo wishing that was you. Make it you. -------------------------------------

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megaregz1-blog · 7 years

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I hate being me living in my head is a constant hell that I don’t wish on anyone I battle myself every minute of everyday between the borderline personality disorder the eating disorders and the schizophrenia it’s pure hell the only person who knows about the voices is my girlfriend and a few selected friends like 2 that know they are always there they never go away this year has been hell it has gone from a constant radio to now people actually talking and now there’s an evil voice that likes to show up once in a while I like when there’s white noise tho you know if most people want peace and quiet they can just go to another room or go sit where there is no one I dont have that luxury if I want peace and quiet I have to spend $15 on a 2mg xanex for four hours of quiet and I’m a broke bitch so I gotta wait till the evil voice has been there a few days before I break down and pay it…I’m going through a divorce so I don’t want to go to a psych just yet but I don’t think I can. Wait much longer…..I want to die so I starve I starve myself because I haven’t yet decided if a bullet to the brain is what is going to happen. Just yet I don’t want to make anyone I care about sad but nobody u derstnsds what it’s like for me what just being g awake or asleep is like for me when I’m awake it’s the voices when. I sleep it’s the nightmares I never get an escape my girlfriend knows I starve myself for control but she made the statement the other day that I control everything I mean shit I even hold my pee and if I’m not puking because I want you refuse to puke but what she does the understand is I can’t controle the voices I mean how would you feel if you couldn’t control your own mind your own head I mean sure we all hear our own. Thoughts all day but your not really hearing them you are thinking them I hear voices that aren’t mine words I would never say I control my actions but I don’t control my head ND then when I sleep it doesn’t end I have nightmares horrible horrible nightmares the eating dissorders are the only thing about myself that I control at least that is how I feel sure I pick out my clothes and put on my make up but imagine for just one second not being able to contol your own mind it’s your brain nobody else’s but yet someone or a few other people control it how would you feel because to me that’s kinda a big deal that kinda outweighs clothes and make up so I go to food will I eat what will I eat how much will I eat and will I keep it down those are my choices in life those are the only choices I make in life that I think of nobody else first those are my selfish choices in life and I’m going to keep them till the day I die….I’m not actively trying to kill myself I dont walk around with a loaded gun or a cyonide pill but I do welcome death god do I welcome it I wish for it each day I have an amazing g girlfriend that I love almost more than I love my children and I have 3 beautiful girls I have my 11yr old with me all the time I don’t ever want to be without them but they deserve better than me the mess that I am…I’m damaged goods I’m completely fucking mental they deserve amazing they deserve great they deserve the world not that shattered peices of me that I have managed to salvage so yes I welcome death so they have a better future a future where I can watch them and they can be free free of the mess that I am….I mean with the borderline who the fuck knows who I am going to be one moment from the next and people think that’s hard to deal with imagine being the person feeling gall these feelings and not knowing am I going to be happy how bout sad am I going to be apathetic because I can’t let myself feel anything because I’ve fallen. Too deep so being numb is the only way to stop the bullet from going through my skull or the car hitting me leanna always says I have an attitude when. I go numb after I’ve been hurt but it’s not an attitude I just don’t talk I just don’t smile I just dont do anything I’m just surviving or trying to I love her more than anything she is my favorite but god she can hurt me like no other I know it bothers her but I take every thing she does and says personal I don’t mean to I don’t want to it’s just the way it is I can’t help but take everything personal with her because I’m so scared of messing everything up…That’s what I do I miss everything up all the time even my dad will tell you that if there’s a way to fuck it up I’ll do it and if there’s not a way to fuck it up I’ll make one…. You know I started out starving myself in 98 because I was raped and I was 210lbs and my way of thinking was well if I wasn’t so heavy maybe he would have just asked if I wanted to have sex so if I lost weight maybe it wouldn’t happen again…..I was wrong…But that’s the mentality of a 16yrold and being raped I lost control….Restricting my food made me gain. Some control back and it became a challenge like oh wow I lost 15lbsin a month how much can I lose next month if I restrict more and as a teenager your parents tell you what to do so ana and Mia gave me a sense of freedom of independence then as an adult you start thinking of others before yourself you start doing things to keep the peace you pick and chose your battles with people you do things for people so what do I do I hold on to ana and Mia I keep them close to me and I lean on them because just because you are choosing to do things for people doesn’t mean that it’s your choice because if you had your way you would do something else you really wanted to chose this battle but you don’t so you restrict you purge because that’s is your choice that you want to chose since you didn’t chose that last battle I didn’t want that nightmare last night so today I starve today I show myself that I can chose what to eat I still have contol I fall deep deeper than most people can go when I feel sad it’s not just sad it’s life altering life ending sad like when my baby brother died I fell into an abyss I tried to hide it from the world people feel sorrow when people died but when Mickey killed himself I tried my best to die to I got lost in drugs trying to o.d. I guess that’s why I want to get sober I’m subconsciously trying to live because Everytime I do a drug I hope I o.d. or I’ll have an allergic reaction I never had before Everytime I do something I hope it’s my last time…..I almost had it 3x 3x I o.d. 3x my life was saved a life that isn’t worth saving I’m not worth it I’ll never be worth it god why did I get saved why couldn’t they just let me go and it seems like the older I get the more of a mess I become I wish I was normal I wish I didn’t piss leanna off so much I wish I could be normal for her…My kids have never known me any other way so they don’t get mad when I am the way I am they just get mad cuz I’m their mom but leanna she deserves normal and I’m always possible g her off because of how I am I don’t want to be this way anymore but there’s no pill I can take to change my personality. There’s nothing I can take to take the borderline away I don’t u derstnsds why she is with me I do the understand how she can love me I am basically unlovable I mean if your reading g this the. I’m sure you agree I don’t want to be how I am I don’t want to to feel things the way I do I wish I was normal I wish I could go by what I know not how I feel but it’s like if I don’t feel it it’s not a fact if I feel like you are lying to me and you show me proof that you aren’t until that feeling of you lying to me goes away I can’t go by the facts that you just showed me….When I’m down I go down so far that it takes me longer to “get over it” than it does most people and when I’m in a good mood it takes longer for me to come down unless something happens to bring me down and because I’m so emotional and touchy it could be anything that brings me down and brings me down fast……I wish I could explain to Leanna I wish there was a way I could make her understand I wish I didn’t make her so mad or annoy or keep her so aggrivated…Looking at my life it’s not the life that you want to end I have ana amazing girlfriend I have a job I have. A roof over my head I have 3 beautiful daughters I have a life that people want and if intake myself out of the equation it’s a life that is the best I could ever ask for for its me I do the want it’s me that is a problem I hate my head I hate the way I look I hate the way I think I hate the way I act I hate the way I feel I wish Leanna understood that is a chemical imbalance in my head that makes me depressed not her but if I talk about how I feel she tells me to find someone who makes me happy and typing this gives me the same feeling that. I get when. She says it it’s this knot in my chest a feeling of despair like the start of an anxiety attack but she is my happy she is the only person that can make me happy she isn’t the reason I’m depressed she is the best thing In my life sure people get drepressdd for a week because they don’t have a job or something but that’s not the depression I have mine can’t be cured by getting a job or going somewhere mine can only be cured by medicine but I don’t have time to go get meds between mine and her schedule and then when we do have a day off well she has issues too and needs to go to the Dr and I know she wasn’t trying to make me feel anyway but she told me she can’t go get checked because she never has time and if she does have time something g else comes up that more important and weather she was trying to or not and Im sure she wasn’t trying to that made me feel like shit so I refuse to be the more important thing that keeps her from going because I am not more important than her not by anyway shape or form but she made me feel like shit when she said it so I won’t be what stops her from going plus anyway I’ve been like this my entire life so what’s a little bit longer….I have 5 layers of myself I have who I show the world Wich is completely fake happy amazing person the one who is made of rainbows and glitter and unicorns then I have who I show my family and friends that is a semi normal person who is happy all the time well most the time then I have who my kids see they don’t know all the bad of me all my sadness but they have a glips then there’s who Leanna sees she gets the most real me anyone gets….Depending on her mood depends on how real I am and then there is me just me the one I get to be when nobody is around the me that is free to just sit and just be I do the have to smile if I dont want and worry about being accused of having an attitude or being sad…Yeah I’m sad but I don’t want to talk about it no I don’t have ana attitude just cuz I’m sitting without a smile I’m just being that’s it ….I’ve been disassociateing a lot lately cuz I have to put on a front so much cuz I can’t just sit without a smile and be quiet so I stare I zone I disassociate because I need to have a break from being who everyone wants me to be….It gets so tiring being who everyone wants pretending I’m not this fucking mess of a person who thinks the world is better off without me and not good enough for anyone I love especially my girlfriend I worry I’m not good enough for her in more ways than one I worry I’m not good enough for her everyway possible….It’s weired worrying about that cuz in every relationship before her I did the care if I was enough for someone I really never stopped to even question it but with her with her everything is different….I’m so tired of being me I wish one day I could wake up and be someone else else or just not wake up at all ....

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adriannelnu44558-blog · 7 years

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Handle Your Journey To A Bed And Breakfast

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