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i keep having dreams over and over recently wherein i'm fatter than i actually am irl and it feels really nice in the dream but god dammit i wish it were real lol
i never posted the full initial conversation that astarion and karlach had before going to the hells, so i'll do that now before i go ahead and delete all my files
no because really, i think stede is operating in a way he thinks will win him respect. i think he's operating in a way he thinks is the expectation. i don't think he likes it, and i don't think it's "him," but i think he enjoys the positive reinforcement from everyone around him. he's literally never had that before in his life.
he was bullied as a child for what he enjoyed. he was cast aside by his father for being himself. the crew threatened to mutiny against him or even just flat-out kill him because he was too "weak."
and here he is trying to pull himself up out of maelstrom of mistakes. "he's been a failure his whole life." he's trying to do everything he can to rectify that. he wants to be the lighthouse for his crew. he wants to be a good captain. he wants to be a good pirate. he wants to be a good lover. he wants to be something.
and he was actually getting there himself--he just didn't realize it. listening to his crew more, showing them kindness, leading them when they were lost and had no place to go, putting his own grief on hold and taking back the revenge...
he was getting there! but still, he was surrounded by those haunting expectations, by the fear that it wasn't enough.
the whole conversation between he and ed where ed is encouraging him to command respect/be tougher. the whole conversation between he and izzy where izzy says he's "never met anyone with a total lack of skills." zheng saying that she didn't "conquer china by letting people go on and on about their feelings."
not to mention the goading from ned. "once you kill me, you're a real pirate. you're not an amateur." "see? that's why he likes you. your bumbling amateur status."
it all keeps swimming circles around him, looming above his head like a shadow.
he thinks he has something more to prove. he thinks he has to be more. even though his own methods work, like ned's crew turning on him simply because stede showed kindness and understanding, all these phantoms keep telling him it isn't enough and that the other methods are more effective.
because he kills, and looks visibly shaken by it, but his crew cheers. he grabs ed by the collar despite them wanting to take things slow, and they grow intimate. he walks into jackie'z after it all, a place where he was previously banished from, and is treated like a sort of pirate hero.
it's not him. "we don't just banish people, do we? that's not us."
but it's encouraged. it's celebrated. so he thinks it should be.
this one post from @poryphoria has been living rentfree in my head for months. it’s so true. i am so normal about this concept and this theme and this fandom.
alt ending below the cut, based off the project nexus ending. while it’s cool as fuck, i am not sure if it conveys what i wanna convey!! so it’s just here as bonus content
i used to agree with the idea that astarion never really felt Anything for the PC until at least act 2. but now that im multiple playthrus in and had this dialogue, im not sure that’s the case any longer. idk he tries to make a joke, but even he realizes it doesn’t land, so then he becomes honest. like, honest to the point that i thought we only saw in his confession scene in act 2. idk how to explain it but it feels much more genuine than i’m used to seeing in act 1.
Jealous/possessive Steve was SO fun to draw, thank you for the prompt!!! :3 Tony definitely enjoys riling him up and then getting slammed against the nearest wall and getting obliterated by an unhinged supersoldier
(next MCU fanart is going to be Stucky or Stuckony so feel free to drop any suggestions for that hehehe)
okay but can you fucking imagine the very first time anders delivers a baby outside of the circle, the very first time he hands a newborn to their parents, the very first time he holds a baby and doesn't just have to hand them off to a fucking templar never to be seen again, the very first time he wraps up a new baby and gets to see the joy in their parents' faces instead of the parents literally never once even laying eyes on this infant, the very first time he delivers a newborn and it's a happy day instead of a tragedy, can you fucking imagine… i mean he probably had to help with deliveries at kinloch hold right so just like, the very first time he takes part in a birth that is a joyous occasion has to sure be something for him and i uhh…yeah, i’m imagining it…