#because my life is so goddamn weird

[elytrafemme]

also like. life update. since coming to college i think i've decided i want to be less online in general, because i don't think it benefits my mental health to be on any online website too much. i know i still have strong ties to fandom and whatnot but i'm trying to reconcile my relationship with the things i've created knowing the headspace i was in when that happened; cs is more of a diary to me than anything, at least where i'm at currently. i DO want to be on discord more this break because there's people i want to VC and catch up with-- but ultimately i think i'm like exactly the worst kind of person to operate with any kind of stability on the internet so we're going to mess around with what that looks like for me for a while. love u guys and once finals are officially up in two days i'll be back to say hi :]

#nightmare.personal #i just think like. idk. i don't really know how to compassionately phrase this #but i realized with all the stuff happening in the world that like. #it's just far better to host those conversations and do those actions irl? #for a lot of reasons. one of the major ones being that its easier to weed out people in real life who are like #wildly antisemitic and awful shit like that. vs being online its like people do that for breakfast #it's also just easier to do meaningful things. so then kind of from that i was just thinking and like #it's weird! because i don't miss the act of posting or opening discord or anything #but i miss the people. but also the way you interact with online friends is so distinctive? #like i can't just get everyone's phone numbers. it'd kind of be sick if i could but you know. everyone feels diff about internet security #so like i'm constantly drawn back to tumblr because i miss people and same with discord #but i don't really adore being on here that much so it's like. really weirdly perplexing #i'm also so goddamn bad at keeping up online friendships and everyone i know here has the patience of a saint #which i deeply appreciate it's also just kinda like. #if we were here in person i could so much better convey my appreciation for you all #so i just hope you know that i do appreciate you. it's weird. #i also have to separately reconcile with the fact that i'm an evolving person IRL #but online that comes at a lag? so like i don't even know how anyone perceives my personality #because it's not that i ever really faked it its just kind of like. we all start somewhere #i don't know what i'm saying. it's disorienting is my point. #i guess i could fix this if i got the discord or tumblr app but #i'm not going to do either of those things but like. i don't know #i wish i talked more regularly to people but the actual process of doing that feels so odd to me #i dunno. we party

[kadoodles-on-ao3]

Artist: berrywizard (Deactivated) Source: Reddit Archives: Reddit Repost | Image

#xenoblade #fanart #shulk #melia #shulk and melia #this is exactly why i want to archive everything i post #because this is one of my favorite pieces of xenoblade fanart and i had to spend over an hour to figure out where it came from #only to find the source link in the reddit comments led to a tumblr account that the wayback machine doesn't even have a #non-deactivated archive of. some random artist just posted beautiful artwork and then disappeared off the face of the earth #this happens so many times i s2g like half of my favorite pieces of fanart were drawn by amazingly talented artists #who then went on to never draw for that fandom again and often deactivate too #it's so wild to me like i'm obsessed with this game but cannot draw the way i see the images in my head to save my goddamn life #yet on the other side of the coin there are people out here who can casually toss out masterpieces for media they only kind of liked #life is weird dude

[apollo-zero-one]

Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....

#I had SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I SQUANDERED IT!! weak ass third grade PUSSY! Your life could have been SO SICK!! #or you could at least be addicted to cocain or something interesting like that!! Boring ass goody two shoes always just staying home doing #NOTHING bitch make a REAL FRIEND go to a God Damn PARTY live a little instead of just hiding in the closet eating saltine crackers for years #waiting for it to be quiet outside before you ever even toed the line #mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker #you could have shrugged it off you could have GROWN A PAIR and FOUGHT BACK but you just ran and cried for mommy #victim complex little bitch baby always whining and exaggerating and making shit up fucking LIAR I am you and I KNOW what you did and I know #you knew it wasn't the truth and you regretted it the moment it came out of uour mouth but once you'd said it you just swallowed it back and #doubled down incriminating or discrediting others with your lies. For why? Because you didn't like them? You could have ruined someone's #life you wouldn't have hesitated mayhe you did and don't even remember because you cant keep your mouth shut with your pants ablaze #manipulative little shit and to WHAT END? Pity? Sympathy? Attention? Entertainment?? What was even going on in your stupid ugly head? #This is a callout post for my third grade self that possessed demon ass evil nine year old. That kid drowned anthills in olive oil and #poisoned a wild animal once. That kid cut plants just to see if they oozed. That kid modified her whole ass personality on a dime for a boy #she had a crush on. INSTANTLY dropped a LIFELONG CULTURAL ALLEGIANCE (thats what football teams were like back then in our town) because he #said he had the opposite allegiance??? What the fuck? girl had NO integrity none zip zilch. #No empthy either that kid looked at everyone else on earth like they were friggin space aliens and she was the only one with Real feelings. #bitch literally thought like 'I have Feelings they just have Reactions' bitch what the fuckkkkk #that nine year old was fucked the hell up!!! #and for literally NO REASON!! No cause!! Just born fucking evil and weird. jesus fuck. #Evil ass bitch caused her autistic brother months of nightmares and then laughed about it and wrote poetry about how evil he was because he? #was a kid??? Normal sibling rivalry taken way way way too far defamatory ass statements #and this girl had NO CONSEQUENCES because she could lie and manipulate her way out of ANYTHING she had the baby eyes and the helpless charm #and played dumb soooo well . read people like some calculative evil AI scanning their faces for microexpressions and overanalyzing each word #choice like holy shit. its not That Deep. pretentious shit trying to play 5D chess on a checkers board. #Manipulating shit just to see what happens?? zero awareness?? no asking just skipping straight to testing for yourself?? #'What happens if I step on this' it fucking breaks 'what does that taste like?' it's not fucking yours to mess with 'if I hit this person #how will they respond?' they'll be upset use your goddamn judgement you are NINE not TWO do you even care a little about any other person?? #Are you just living in some other reality??? #callout post for the fucking demon child inside of me #im so goddamn problematic I'm so so so deeply mentally disturbed and broken for no reason

[stuckhereonearth]

screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!

#not about j we're good - about the friend who i haven't shut up about in the 14 years i've been on the hellsite #the fun part is that i know his forever career and his forever whereabouts and it will break my heart into shards for the rest of my life! #and goddamnit we weren't romantically together but instead together as part of a weirdly codependent friend group of four and we were #near identically weird and fucked up emotionally and in our humor and how we spoke and how we meshed and i will NEVER fucking get over it!! #i'm still agog that i sent you a last chance hail mary sort of letter like the lyrics in this song about how i think about you often and #have always believed in you and been rooting for you like all the rest of us who knew you before things got really bad because you were and #are such a fucking incredible person and musician and friend and so smart and creative and LOVABLE! i said that in the letter without #realizing alanis said that in one of THE best lost love songs of all goddamn time! #i wish i could tell you one more time - right now today immediately or better yet five years ago - how i have always loved and admired you #and everything about you. even now. all the way out here in iowa i am still loving you with everything i have in me every single day #knowing i will never speak to or see you again [i think about you all the time but i don't need the same] and i finally started to admit #that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020 #but i know it's gonna take my whole lifetime to get a grip on it and accept it. and it'll stop hurting one of these days. i know it will #i don't think i've ever loved a friend as much as I loved you. i think you were the best friend i've ever had #and that's one of the nastiest parts of it - we were good friends and you did seem to like me plenty #but i think i was the w-h-auden_morelovingone.txt by a mile. i was a weird obsessed stage 10 clinger. #and that's surely a large part of the dwelling and the fixation. if things had been more equal then maybe it'd be very different now. #guess i'll die because i sure ain't finding out!! #HELLO LOVES HAVE SOME RICH NUTRITIOUS ANNIE LORE ON THIS FINE FREEZING COLD SUNDAY AFTERNOON! #ann with an ie #<- this was a nightmare to type out and feel but i wanna keep it around for whenever i get the balls to talk about it in therapy again

[kanene-yaaay]

Hmmm life sucks so u know what that means

Time for the FLUFFIEST HURT/COMFORT hidden in my bookmarks

#I really wanted to re-read Throw me a goddamn rope just enough to hang myself w it or always and never and eventually #(or something around that. titles are v bad for me but it's Bakugou going back on time) because both of them have the cutest dadzawa EVER #but I don’t have energy for a not finished fic so :( #anyway took a bath and listened to Faroeste Cabloco because yeah best way to deal w feelings is screaming a 9 minutes long song #I don’t remember even studying that much. like. even w the preparatory course I had a routine full of breaks and quite balanced #now however I am still adapting so sometimes I just have to spend +12 hours on college w like a 2 hours break sprinkled somewhere around it #and do it again the next day #crazy #on a much lighter note!!! my classmates are nice. like. really nice. very very kind and cool and understanding and *nice*. #i know it's the first semester and everything but GOSH it's COOL to be in a class that isn’t always fighting w each other or w the teachers #it's been like 7/8 years since I've had that? so it's very very greeeat! and helpful #crazy how life works #back to the fic thing: wanted to read some atla stuff but I *really* need the trope of sad bean being adopted by Aizawa and getting to- #-to know what a family truly is #kanene being kanene #vent #also I fell from the college's stairs so BSHVSYWGS knees huuuurt. it was nothing bad and honestly I was laughing a lot because #it was just such a sudden and weird fall that I just agefyevehevhe !!! and a classmate helped to get up like BRUH #SHAKING U BY THE SHOULDERS HOW DARE U TO BE SO NICE #anyway high emotions maybe I should sleep earlier today #or look for comforting tk fics #👀👀 hurt comfort soft playful cheer up tickles imma coming for u 👀👀

[blujaydoodles]

"...and you can see what appears to be... gnomes who... have just kind of accepted the fact that they're being dragged through the air by a very powerful creature; they're like being held by their shirts, with their arms kind of folded"

Originally posted to my patreon as part of a larger WIP that I just never came back to, here is the one thing we do canonically know for sure about how this rescue actually went, courtesy of our druid learning how to scry

#dnd #dungeons and dragons #character art #illustration #gnomes #do you think Ancient Dragon Man explained literally any of what was going on because it surely Did Not Look That Way lmao #this was also over a year ago idk if I'm ever gonna properly finish it at this point #the thing is the first drawing feels so stiff I'd actually rather completely redo it :'D #but I love Tuck's thousand yard 'this might as well happen. my life is already so goddamn weird' stare skgjhdfghkjh #man. the problem is I DO want it to BE finished I just don't wanna have to actually spend time on doing that :') #so since I probably won't I'm releasing (part of) it from patreon cause I never intended for it to STAY completely exclusive #on the meta Mel's parents are so funny to me because it took me like four real life years to think of ANYTHING for them besides 'they exist' #but as soon as I was able to start building them properly I got very attached immediately dkfhgkh I lov them so much #my OCs #tukklewyn #xenia #melliwyk #vale walkers #dungeons and doodles

[shadow-pixelle]

Due to Real Life Bullshit:tm: I've still not managed to catch up with Bad Batch. That means that what I should do is hibernate from the internet for a few weeks while I get caught up, right?

but also I just saw a gif of Echo faceplanting in water with the comment of 'just put him in rice' so instead I will not do that and do what I did for Kenobi; absorb the entire plot through meme osmosis while I gather the strength to sit and watch it properly.

Y'know. As God Intended.

#my life be like #star wars the bad batch #i'm going to end up with so much out of context knowledge of this show #like i already *know* what happens in season 1 because i got it all through fics and memes #but i'll still watch it when i can so i can watch season 2 #it's just that sometimes it's more funny to have ooc knowledge on these things #because then i get to the point in the episode/season where i get to point and go #'oh so *that's* where that gif/image/meme/whatever comes from!' #also like #sometimes seeing people freaking out about things without having any context is more funny than having the context #because with the context i'm usually also freaking out/having an emotional breakdown over it #without the context i'm just like 'well goddamn looking forward to this' #spoilers are a weird situation for me is what i'm saying

[daedrabela]

SO ALL NIGHT FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS I KEEP FLICKING LITTLE ANTS OFF OF ME WHILE I'M GAMING AND I KEEP THINKING IT'S JUST THE SAME ONES OVER AND OVER

WELL I JUST FUCKING LOOKED OVER AT MY TOMIE LAMP AND THESE FUCKERS HAVE THE THING COLONIZED THEY'VE GOT EGGS AND SHIT AND THEY'RE ALL BUNCHED TOGETHER

SO I FREAK OUT BECAUSE THERE'S TOO MANY BUGS IN ONE SMALL PLACE FOR MY LIKING AND WE GET THEM VACUUMED UP

I'M SNIPPY WITH HIM BECAUSE HE'S SLACKING ON GETTING THE VACUUM TO ME QUICKLY BECAUSE AS SOON AS I TURNED THE LAMP OFF THEY STARTED TO SCATTER

AND I'M ALREADY SPIRALING BECAUSE THE SPARE ROOM IS FULL OF SHIT AND I'M SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS AND THEN!!!!

THEN!!!!!! THIS GUY ASKS ME "you know what bugs me?" BITCH IT'S TAKING EVERYTHING I HAVE NOT TO THROW HANDS WITH ANYTHING IN SIGHT RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SHIT

#tw bugs #bugs tw #i hate this place so fucking much i hate it #i can't take baths because the tub has these grody strips in it #and we can't peel them off because the building management put this cheap enamel shit over the tub that's peeling off and it'll strip it #the bathroom is so tiny it feels smaller than my old bathroom even though they're the same size and my old one had a slanted ceiling #the cat stinks the whole place up #it's so dark in here always because there's these cheap paper blackout panels on the windows #the living room is a disaster because of how they decided to arrange it it's so weird the tv is like right in front of the sofa #and not against a wall so it's just in the middle of the room #there's junk mail everywhere #neverending fucking trash no matter how much i pick up there's still more and more and more #we fill three fucking trashbags a week #i used to fill a single trash bag every two weeks #i hate living here so goddamn much #i wish i could go live on my own again so bad #i can't just break up with my boyfriend everyone will make me feel guilty for it #he'll probably cry and i can't deal with seeing people cry because of me i feel so guilty for everything all the time #i hate my fucking life #i want to fucking die #🥀

[novelconcepts]

Anyway, y’know how like forty things can stack up, and the 41st—comparatively tiny, you know it’s just so goddamn small—is what cracks you? Cool cool cool, yeah, me either.

#muttering ‘it’s just a tv show’ under my breath like I don’t know full well what power coping mechanisms have #it has been a hard fucking year y’all #and like on the one hand it’s idiotic to be devastated by a cancelled tv show #but on the other. hard. fucking. year. #i was making weird little pacts with the universe that if this (CRITICALLY SUCCESSFUL AS FUCK) little show could get renewed #i could figure out the next steps of my life without breaking #and the universe laughed and flipped me off because it’s evidently run by billionaires. which sounds about right. #god I’m tired #can’t even put into words how tired #so yeah. devastated is a good word. cuz it’s just the last goddamn thing on top of a huge towering pile #anyway might be quiet for a while. things will be…fine…eventually #this was just the final straw in terms of what my stupidly weak mental place could handle for the moment

[orcelito]

i remember when i was 19 & moved in with my random choice roommate. we were out walking to grab food together (this being b4 i realized we just Were Not compatible personalities & proceeded to near ignore her for a year lol). & i looked both ways for a one way street & she was like “Lol why would you do that, it’s a one way street.” & i was just like “The person going the wrong way on a one-way street is the one more likely to hit me.” and she was just like “Ummm ok lol”

anyways i pass a one-way street every day going to and from work & the other day i saw someone driving the wrong way down the street in front of me and i just felt slightly vindicated 

#speculation nation #me watching them pass like 'what in the goddamn....?' #i did not. even register they were going down the wrong way on the street. until they were already turning off of it #so like im pretty sure they realized they were going the wrong way. but it was still very weird #like come on ppl. these things are Marked #but also that piece of wisdom from me came from the place of experience of BOTH when i was a kid #being in the car with my mom was she went down the wrong way of a street #then when i was a teen being in the car with my grandpa as he turned into an exit road from a parking lot #my dad's taught me to be very vigilant with anything cars. #like when ur driving. ALWAYS checking to make sure no one's coming. even if youve got the green light #because like 99.99% of the time it'll be fine. you'll go through a light with no problems. #but that 0.01% of the time where someone runs a red light and into YOU. youre gonna WISH you'd cleared that light. #and this kinda thing is why ive managed to not get into any wrecks with my bike despite being kinda a dumbass asshole with how i bike lol #im aggressive but typically not stupid. and it works for me. #anyways cars are terrifying and i hope u drivers take this shit seriously. #drivers who get too complacent are responsible for some horrible losses of life. im determined to never end up that way too.

[musical-chick-13]

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

#'you don't NEED to write characters talking about boundaries' 'you don't NEED your characters to be doing [insert safe sex practice here]' #'you don't NEED to make the consent as clear-cut and ironclad as it would be in real life' #<-yes true because you are writing a story #'if you DO include these things you are boring and contributing to purity culture' #<-no!!! I KNOW I don't have to!! but I want to because it's interesting to me to imagine the characters figuring that out!!!!!! #also this practice LITERALLY has 'consent' in it's name. TWICE. I don't think it's out of the question to discuss consent in some way! #nobody owes you ANYTHING in what they write actually #my GOD you are all ('you' meaning general 'you') so inconsistent and nonsensical about this topic #c2g #The Fic That's A Lot #in this really goddamn weird place where the Purity Culture people think I'm contributing to the downfall of society for examining a #controversial kink in a story & the Self-Proclaimed Degenerates think I'm handling this too tamely/not being uncomfortable enough about it #when literally I am just writing a story. read it or don't. it's not that deep. #nsft #(<-to be like. ABSOLUTELY safe)

[torchstelechos]

I was super worried about my fanfic being OOC and then I actually looked at the source material again and realized this fandom is already so batshit out of character that it doesn't even matter anymore. Needless to say, I will be continuing writing for LU again and writing Time as the goofy ass bastard he truly is. I just need to rewrite some stuff but!!! I will be redoing a past LW because I think it will be funny <3

#Four is a dad?! #Is getting a rewrite because I NEED something to be crazy over rn or I will lose my mind #My life's already so goddamn weird might as well add this to the list #Also Shadows of War will be written as well... I really want to write a whole fanfic for that one before posting anything #So... Anyone who followed me for LU I hope your ready for some oldies but goodies

[wabblebees]

.

#met the hottest butch ive ever seen in my whole entire life tonight #nigh-on everyone in the room had fucking heart eyes SO BIG for her the WHOLE TIME. and then #when she said she ''really couldnt do a relationship right now'' #you could hear hearts break in that room fulla gayass bitches #ABSOLUTELY including mine in that count lmao. but also im delusional so even tho after tomorrow i know ill probably never see her again #i am sitting here in bed -- HOURS later -- SIGHING WISTFULLY like a moronnnnn #lmfao. goddamnit. #hopeless romantic central; emphasis on hopeless #she was so fucking funny oh my god. and the goddamn butchivalry was off the CHARTS #i couldnt decide whether to swoon or let my own butch tendencies make me start competing lmfaooo #she was a friend of a friend visiting from the next town over; and this mutual friend had been hyping up her arrival so much id started to #think it was bc she was trying to set us up or something. which legit started to make me kinda nervous before she got here #and now im going fucking insane because oh my GOD #OH MY GODDDDD. #literally just. losing my goddamn mind. i dont know this girl at ALL & ik i dont do casual eeeeeven a little bit & shes NOT looking for That #but... fuck. goddamn. gotDAMN she was so cool #i doubt she was looking at me much If At All lmao; we were all just chilling... im just. objectively Not Good at Being Chill #anyway im writing this here hours later so i dont text our mutual friend at 5am about how rad meeting her was like some kinda creep lmfao #bee speaks #my outfit was cute but i doubt she was lookin; esp since i came straight to the party after a performance so i was in... weird shape lmao #altho im VERY glad we got to meet Before shes supposed to come see the show tomorrow lmao. #like. now at the very least her first impression of me isnt me-as-kreon; asshole misogynistic tyrant dictator-in-chief that he is hdkdgk

[ff2-soda-pop]

seeing a bunch of fnaf1 characters all over my dash and all this sorta stuff feels. weird.

like its not bad its just.... weird

#not to get too personal but last thing i had special interest fixated on really hard before i remember things in my life officially going #pretty bad actually was. literally fnaf because the first game had like just come out. so seeing all of this kinda reminds me of then #which is. weird i guess. like its not inherently a bad feeling its just. not something i ever thought would come up in my brain yknow? #sorry to get weird and personal on Tumblr Dot Com i just feel a need to comment on this somewhere that isnt in my goddamn head #and i dont really have anywhere else so. tumblr it is i guess #delete later #on a completely unrelated subject. will i ever stop thinking robots are cool as fuck? no <3

[strawberri-syrup]

godbless. haircut and piercing tomorrow

#i have never needed a haircut sobaddly in my LIFE #h my god #it looks weird because i have v short hair #so its growing out wacky #and i want it SHORT #its hard to wear my headphones because there's so much goddamn hair by my ears #i am cursed with very thick hair that grows fast #like an inch and a half in 2 months #this is hell for someone with short hair