*thinking thoughts* hm…. maybe…. its ok that i exist like this…. and its ok that i like the things i like, and its ok that there are so many aspects of myself that are not synonymous with societal norms. And i dont need to constantly feel ashamed, or like i have to defend myself against every little thing other people believe about me - and that i should not need to say why i am the way i am, and i do not need to give every little detail abt it! It is ok. Other people can assume whatever they want to; accepting the fact that, because i fall into society’s category of abnormality, others will always assume things they have no right to, and that feeling shame for things i am not and never will be is imperative for me to live, and not drown.
What i am trying to say, i suppose, is that i am very tired of my brain punishing me for wanting to talk. For thinking of something to say, only to go through an ever increasing list of things that other people could misinterpret from what i said. I cant account for every little thing i could misarticulate. I cant constantly second and triple guess every little thing i say and do. One of the most impactful experiences of my life has been living in a toxic environment where every single thing i said was purposefully twisted around, disorientating me, telling me that i shouldve accounted for whatever implications i made, intentional or not, and then constantly being told that whatever implications other people made didnt count.
Living like that is a paranoid, fearful nightmare, and tbh if people are knowingly, willfully twisting what you say, to the point where you try to avoid saying anything ever and your knee-jerk reaction to anybody trying to befriend you is to think of a thousand different ways to say something, only to realize the thousand different ways you could misarticulate/be misunderstood, then that is a toxic environment and i implore you to reconsider your relationships with those people.
Got massively side tracked, but as an affirmation i need to give myself a lot: you dont need to map out every single reason you are the way you are, and you shouldnt force yourself to come up with a hundred and one defenses for any possible thing other people could misunderstand abt you. There is not only a divide between social abnormalities/deviances and actual morality, there is another between a person’s individual internal life and their actions. You are not some blight on life because you exist outside of expectation, and you are not hurting anybody just for existing, either.