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#because that's just what i do now i guess

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#the process of realizing that you spent a lot of your life finding respite online instead of just trying with irl people is interesting, #the process of realizing u have maybe one close friend is also... interesting, #also realizing that you started too late in looking for people like u irl is very .. interesting, #because now it just depresses me and i don't feel like i can share all the things i relate to with them, #it's different telling somebody as it happens versus remembering what happened in the past, #i guess because in part i've formulated so much of my identity separate from any permanent influence or person in my life, #is that sad, #makes me sad sometimes, #probably definitely doesnt help with the dprsn, #and like how do u make up for lost time? it's not really lost it's just you didn't take the opportunity when it presented itself years ago, #because you (i) were afraid, #and for all those people you want to try to be close to now . you can't force people to be your friend et cetera, #like i wonder if i had tried years ago how different would it be, #i dismissed it early because i was afraid and because i'd disagreed with a lot of their views etc, #because i primarily developed my identity through the internet first, #i guess it made me feel more like i could stand alone irl? but it's not like i didnt need anyone, #it was just that i never went out of my way/comfort zone to look for people, #all part of the process ig, #internet friends dont feel as real as people you have seen irl and talk to etc, #probably some part of me is jealous and bitter but that's my own fault over anything, #i ramble, #delete later, #tumblr tags are where i come to think hi if ur reading this u never saw a thing <3, #gonna go finish writing my midterm now w my mood tanked as fuck
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i think i remembered my train of thought from the last one but i’m gonna make a new post for it in case i run out of tags shfjdbgksnsk

(don’t rb pls)

#flick ticks, #ok so i think? iirc he said Neither of us understand other people's perspectives very well. he said he's Actively working on it too, #he explained w/ an analogy involving myself and his gf; she pranked me really bad and i got freaked out. he said she thought it would've, #been funny if it happened to her so she thought it'd be funny if it happened to me too. and that's not her being evil!! that's just her like, #not fully considering how i might feel ig? but that's not an Evil thing inherently. i'm slightly less bothered with all that said personally, #and after it was explained to her that she Fucked Up she understood and felt bad for freaking me out so hard, #lmao i just remembered a dream i had where i was livid abt something and i tried to calm down!!! but my mind was like ''no. i'm angry., #''i want to be angry. i don't want to calm down right now'', #hm. my eyes have been opened svfjsbgjs-, #i'm allowed to have feelings but the key thing is to be aware of my actions. in the past it all came down to impulse control; sometimes i, #knew what i was doing but my brain was just. ''GO GO GO GO DO IT DO IT DO IT'' and it didn't matter if it was a good or bad thing in the, #moment- not to me because when i get into those like. Extreme High Emotions it's Very hard for me to think before i act; i just want to be, #angry; i just want to be sad; i just want to scream and cry and throw a fit- and i wanna say it might have to do with having been silenced, #as a wee lamb lmao. also because throwing fits got me attention when i wanted attention (both when i was a kid and now as an adult), #and THAT'S on not having been hugged enough as a child LOL. i was always told that my feelings didn't matter and i think it just. created, #this disgusting buildup of emotions that now has a tendency to just. erupt when i'm upset. i need to learn how to control myself though, #i also wanna stress that i'm not saying my actions *never* mattered to me; i'm saying *in the moment* it didn't matter to me because i was, #in fight or flight mode i guess? anxiety and shit- *my* feelings being belittled growing up has definitely caused. this lmao; the whole, #''i have a hard time understanding other people's perspectives and feelings because i've had to Fight for my own so much that i don't, #''know how to understand anyone else especially because no one's bothered to understand me'' thing, #i keep losing my train of thought but i'm gonna stop this one here sbfksbfks
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one more-

#edit: i think what happened w/ the random ''i wanted it'' @ the beginning here was bc i accidentally used quotes instead of apostrophes, #i wanted it, #flick ticks, #when will i cease with the personal/vent posts? never 鉂わ笍 /j idk. i wanna stop but they're . vent posts for a reason sbfnsbfnsms, #also it's my blog i can do what i want 鉂わ笍, #anyways- impulse control. i realize now that Everything i Ever Did was based on impulse lmao.....i need to learn how to better control, #that shit. and yeah i will!! but it's? gonna be hard bc i don't exactly? have anyone to i guess test myself w/ lmao......, #all of the shit i did was based off the negative impulsive feelings i was feeling- i feel lonely? isolate so someone will notice that you'r, #gone (doesn't work. surprise); i'm sad because i feel unloved?* isolate! maybe throw a fit or get mad about it!, #*my feelings of being unloved were . common in my childhood lol. 鉁岋笍鉁岋笍 that's on growing up touch starved & emotionally stunted 鉁岋笍鉁岋笍, #鉁岋笍 my parents didn't hug me enough as a child and now i'm a monster 鉁岋笍 LMAO. like- real tho bc like??? i also!! fun fact- i also have a har, #time sometimes like. understanding why people are upset or the general fact that they're upset (my mind: why are they upset?, #(i'm not upset/i wouldn't be upset by [that] so what's their problem?) like......god..... and yeah i realize that i was . very insensitive, #towards a lot of things (thanks uhhh Literally Everyone i grew up w/ not being even remotely sensitive towards me and thus making me value, #(my own feelings over anyone else's because if no one cared about how i felt at least i did. also if they only cared about themselves, #(why can't/shouldn't i prioritize my own feelings over anyone else's?) and in that process i? did in fact end up being very selfish and lik, #taking things for myself (most often without permission) simply because and!!! i apparently didn't grow out of that at all!!!!, #bc taking things for myself and pouting when i didn't get my way was one of the ways i abused him!!! my excuse for everything i did is that, #i'm barely an adult but like..... i'm still an adult; i really should know better. i should've learned better by the time i was at least 16, #[also just to make things clear: i'm not out for pity/sympathy points if y'all are concerned abt that- i'm literally just. talkin to myself, #[like. i just want this shit out of my brain y'know? anyways], #but now i do know better i think; very much too late but like..... i do kinda still think all of this was meant to happen...., #as hellish as those three fucking years were *especially* for him i.....still think it was all meant to happen. all the vile shit i did, #absolutely sucked but like.....yeah.... i think i myself needed to go through that. i needed to learn more about myself i guess. it just, #really wasn't fair to him. for him to have been my learning experience- for *anyone* to be my learning experience. its bullshit and it's no, #fair. i just? wish i was better to begin with lmao.... i wish i had the knowledge then that i do now i guess because like. i would Love to, #go back in time and redo EVERYTHING. i would treat him so fucking much better if i knew the shit i know now, #but what's done is done and i need to accept it and move on, #it. hurts, #but it's done. it's in the past
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i wasnt productive today at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like where did the time even go i only watched like 6 nisipisa videos wtf >:(

#i swear it should be like 1pm at the LATEST i dont want it to be bedtime so soon >:(, #what if i just like gave up on my future and stayed in my room until my parents die and then idk i also die i guess, #like im actually considering it because things are so fucking hard to get done i HATE everything but my psych class and surprisingly my p.e., #class now that ive melted it down and recreated it in my own shape, #why do i have to do anything else and while im on the topic why the fuck are all online colleges fucking scams AND why am i gonna have to go, #in person unless things get worse pandemic wise like why can i not just have what i want and do what i want, #call me a spoiled brat if you want for that but i think its a fair question like if society is soooo good and soooooo advanced WHY do we ALL, #have to be really super productive???? like were all under this pressure to 'be something', #WHY i thought america was sooooooo good and all that so why do I have to have 'unlimited potential' maybe, #maybe my FULL POTENTIAL is to lay in bed with my cats and do silly hobbies and clean sometimes, #if america is 'the leader of the free world' why do i have to be more than that???? im not feeling very free at all >:(, #bbbbbbbbbbbbbb i just want to cry i dont even really want to go to my therapy appt i just want to lay facedown on my mattress and be groomed, #by my sweet precious cat, #who is my whole world and my best friend, #and thats completely genuine, #idk. crisises i guess or whatever maybe
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but yea i would be more than happy to explain my thought process w/ everything

(don’t rb)

#flick ticks, #i'll start by saying like. me talking about my trauma so much is 1) because i overexplain a Lot and 2) less so me trying to like. Justify m, #behavior and moreso me explaining like. why i'm like this. there are zero excuses or justifications for my behavior; the shit i did was, #deplorable. i do very much see how it could be seen as me trying to excuse my behavior but i promise it's just my habit of overexplaining, #i'm also not saying i'm a good person because of the shit i did. i'm saying underneath all of the rotten shit on the surface i am *capable*, #of being a good person. i know i've been saying ''i am a good person'' but that's just? poor phrasing on my part. the things i did were, #disgusting i know. none of the shit i did was ok. but underneath everything (and there is a BIG layer of scum on top) i have the capability, #of being good. i? don't actually know if i am right now- and i'm aware that i'm sort of flip-flopping between stories but it's not like, #Intentional. its moreso me thinking abt everything more and putting all the pieces together i guess? but yeah no i've said it before and, #i'll say it again- there is no excuse for how i acted. there's explanations but no excuses. there are reasons but no justifications. none of, #the shit i did was justifiable. i sure am making it sound like i'm trying to justify it but i'm mostly just trying to explain it and what, #goes thru my head in those moments y'know?, #but yeah. if you want to we can absolutely compare sides and we can talk about this if you're ok with that, #no pressure at all i just? i still wanna see if i can't fix anything. i'm sure that i can't at this point but i'll leave it entirely up to, #you to decide. i'm sure i know what your response will be but the offer is still open
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lowkey though…. hwyd has probably helped me more than therapy :X

#dont tell my parents lol, #idk ive been thinking about that thing ryan said, #about how the key to being happy is learning how to generate happiness alone, #rather than only getting it from other people, #and like.................... fuck, #that's my ENTIRE PROBLEM, #up until a few months ago i straight up could not be happy alone, #like if i was ever excited about something i'd immediately want to share it with someone else, #because i guess my brain just couldn't tell that these people didn't give a shit???, #anyway it was an ugly cycle of being excited and then immediately deflating when it wasnt reciprocated., #ANYWAY. ive finally learned how to unfuck myself and be happy on my own, #even if that does mean putting some distance between me and some of my friends!, #i think i was just too dependent on other people. and now im like. alone lol but it actually fucking rocks, #because now i feel stable and like fifty times better about myself :'), #other than that!! they also just give really good advice man, #advice in general always just sounds like white noise to me but somehow some of their tips got thru to me, #like what steven said about prioritizing ur happiness over functionality or aesthetics, #(in terms of living spaces), #and what shane said about how the key to growing up is just learning to be kinder in everything you do, #and what ryan said about saying yes to more things. just yes to everything, #AND IVE BEEN DOING THAT!!!! and it's the best thing in the world!!!!!!!, #man i just love hwyd i hope she returns from the war someday, #dunno how to wrap this up. im just <3 <3 <3, #hwyd is something that can actually be so personal
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like i feel SO uncool naturally existing as myself, glasses-wearing very awkward lanky not-boy-not-girl. i don’t dress up, i don’t play in bands, i don’t self-publish queer zines or volunteer or party. i don’t think i’ve done anything notable in my life–nothing that (to me) screams that i’ll go down in history as someone prominent. or adored. or like. GAHHH!!! like all my friends do things that i haven’t done with their lives, and i feel like i’m wasting my time. but its not even about this haha pity me, i’m institutionalized schtick–otherwise i’d be better shooting my mouth clean open. nah. it’s more like when i DID want to shoot my mouth clean open, i ran into this fucking documentary and i saw how people in music lived their lives and being an impressionable fifteen year old, i said “i want that too.” two months later i saw gerard way perform live and that’s when i knew. or when i picked up the guitar i haven’t played in 1.5 weeks–that’s when i knew, too!!! that my calling as fucking uncool as it may seem is to be brian schecter or be a guitarist (drummer?) and it’s to see kids with frothing mouths every night on a tour because if i could impart ANYTHING on young impressionable fifteen year olds it is that the world is cruel and ugly and sometimes you have to get your hands messy too. burn it down. i didn’t come from a good family background–we played church, i ran away a few times, there’s a lot more–and the moment i heard my chemical romance for the first time it went from “i need to self harm every day or else i’m turning my insides out, be it gun or knife” to … this idea of revenge i haven’t been able to shake. to this idea that i own the world, i can find my people. so when i say I’M UNCOOL, I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE i really just mean that this world has tried time and time again to beat me down but every goddamn time i’m getting ready for a show i view myself in a light i rarely let shine. that’s why i hide

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*thinking thoughts* hm…. maybe…. its ok that i exist like this…. and its ok that i like the things i like, and its ok that there are so many aspects of myself that are not synonymous with societal norms. And i dont need to constantly feel ashamed, or like i have to defend myself against every little thing other people believe about me - and that i should not need to say why i am the way i am, and i do not need to give every little detail abt it! It is ok. Other people can assume whatever they want to; accepting the fact that, because i fall into society’s category of abnormality, others will always assume things they have no right to, and that feeling shame for things i am not and never will be is imperative for me to live, and not drown.

What i am trying to say, i suppose, is that i am very tired of my brain punishing me for wanting to talk. For thinking of something to say, only to go through an ever increasing list of things that other people could misinterpret from what i said. I cant account for every little thing i could misarticulate. I cant constantly second and triple guess every little thing i say and do. One of the most impactful experiences of my life has been living in a toxic environment where every single thing i said was purposefully twisted around, disorientating me, telling me that i shouldve accounted for whatever implications i made, intentional or not, and then constantly being told that whatever implications other people made didnt count.

Living like that is a paranoid, fearful nightmare, and tbh if people are knowingly, willfully twisting what you say, to the point where you try to avoid saying anything ever and your knee-jerk reaction to anybody trying to befriend you is to think of a thousand different ways to say something, only to realize the thousand different ways you could misarticulate/be misunderstood, then that is a toxic environment and i implore you to reconsider your relationships with those people.

Got massively side tracked, but as an affirmation i need to give myself a lot: you dont need to map out every single reason you are the way you are, and you shouldnt force yourself to come up with a hundred and one defenses for any possible thing other people could misunderstand abt you. There is not only a divide between social abnormalities/deviances and actual morality, there is another between a person’s individual internal life and their actions. You are not some blight on life because you exist outside of expectation, and you are not hurting anybody just for existing, either.

#its a very very long work in progress to convince myself that i dont deserve to die for being strange. for being mentally ill and queer., #hell - its gotten upside down enough that ive begun shaming myself for not seeking professional care., #which is a real fucking personal life decision! thats not for anyone else to decide except me!, #except now it seems the norm to treat untreated undiagnosed people with disdain and scorn. it makes it feel even harder to talk abt, #i guess in general this whole thing is difficult to talk abt. its very very difficult and delicate, #my perspective is that there are two clear lines you should not cross, #there is a divide between social deviance (for instance: b d sm) and immorality (p*do philia), #and another between a persons internal life (violent intrusive thoughts) and actions (abuse of any kind), #in any given situation the condemnation must come from a place where you understand this, #...i really really want to avoid talking abt certain discussions because they are so tied up into an ugly knot., #and in the end what am i? a fucking antisocial anxious wreck. an idiot, #i really shouldnt say shit :/, #but yknow. this... maybe this thought process... well. it helps me let me exist., #it is kinda funny kinda sad that like... at this point i cant even really recall how bad that experience was. i know it weighed on me a lot., #i know 100% yelling at someone only for them to laugh at me. because they intentionally disorientated me and twisted me up., #it was funny to them. and thinking 'you twisted up everything i said. to the point where you claimed i said the opposite of what i did', #this is why i am very intensely aware of someone when they say i never said something or claim i did or say i said the opposite, #idk if its gaslighting but it is infuriating, #and you can say that maybe they just forgot - but someone reacting with anger and vitriol when i refute what they claim...? yeah. no, #....lowkey talking abt that coworker who LITERALLY SAID 'dont question me.', #like!! ok ma'am!! what the fuck do you have zero self awareness or do you think im a toddler, #im childish. im immature. i am not a child. thank you.
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.

#um tw for these tags i guess. literally dont read these if you are easily upset or triggered, #pls take care of yourself <3, #(and dnt worry abt me. iam objectively okay as of rn, #just having a Bad Night cuz thats all i ever have lmao), #but um. i am in a Bad place right now. ive known it for a while but i guess it's just now hitting, #sometimes i dont know what to do anymore. i know i should get help but i dont think i can afford it, #and i dont want to ask my parents for help because they dont understand and i dont want to go into it, #and even if i could afford it. i have ~unprocessed trauma~ apparently. which. awesome, #i feel like im just sitting here. waiting to get worse until i end up doing something really bad. which i dont want to do. i dont want to be, #that way again but i dont know what else to be, #i cant even remember or do simple tasks anymore, #i sit in my room and stare at my computer until its time to go to work or to sleep. sometimes i cry and drink in there if im lucky, #i both want to feel normal again, #and at the same time am feeling the most 'normal' i have in months, #i feel like this is the 'real' me sometimes. like im supposed to feel depressed. like any personality i have outside of this emptiness is, #made up to trick people to be my friend. i dont even know jkdfs, #i know people care about me but it feels like there's a wall聽separating聽me and everyone i love, #i dont even know where i was going with this. i just need it out in a way that is ? healthy? i guess this is healthy. better than the, #alternative *insert finger guns* ok im going to go lay in bed and play an otome game just to feel something, #orion sadposting, #delete later
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i’ve been thinking about this for a while and I think I finally solved it.

so i’m madly in love with mammon from obey me and jumin from mystic messenger but I don’t know which one I love more. Which one would i ultimately choice when it came down to it ?? well, I just realized while doing my math homework that I don’t have to choose !!

That’s right kids ! Mammon and I can simply become Jumin’s sugar babies ! It’s a win win win ! I get to have them both at the same time if I so wish, mammon gets money, and idk I guess jumin gets to vibe or whatever I haven’t thought that far yet but it doesn’t matter because I solved it !!

thank you for coming to my ted talk. I think that if i can evolve my points a tad more i could write an excellent essay about this subject and turn it in to my english professor what ya’ll think 

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im so tired hahaa

#i hate myself, #god im fucking ready to do it, #this Tuesday, #im happy i finally made the big decision but im scared, #because im a pathetic fucking coward lmao, #i can't even do this one small thing that'll make everything easier for everyone, #i've been fine with tge prospect of dying for years now but these past few weeks have been one long mental breakdown, #and no one's noticed because somehow i've gotten scarily good at acting normal and ok, #i've been going to school and making tumblr posts and talking on discord and the whole time i've never felt worse, #im so empty everything feels hollow and far away, #i haven't felt an emotion other than self hatred and panic in a few months now, #just when i thought i was getting better too, #then everything went to shit because i fucked it all up just like with everything and now i've just felt empty, #with a nagging ever present feeling of something bad (i don't know what) and some panic attacks when home alone, #and then the nail in the coffin hit and i decided to act on the plans i've had for a while now, #the fact that that's all it took to push me over the edge is fucking pathetic, #my home life is fine my school is fine i have people to talk to i shouldn't be this depressed, #but then again it's me the grand champion of patheticness we're talking about so haha i guess it's not that surprising, #look at me even now im whining into tumblr instead of actually talking to people, #there isn't even a word to describe what a low pathetic disgusting little piece of trash i am, #i've had it im so tired, #1 day 2 nights and im done i can at least make it through that, #sam shut the fuck up challenge, #suicide tw
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