#been thinking about ch 77 lately

[mr-oscarwilde]

@sagewhisper It would be a massive pain to try to reply to you in the comments of our post, so we’ve just put our response in one single thing. 

It is bold of you to assume that we have not read De Profundis. It was one of the first things we read when we started having an interest in Oscar. Kindly refer to our post; we never said that it was not a valid piece of evidence. It is evidence of a lot of things—chiefly Oscar’s state of mind whilst he was in prison. But it is not objective fact. You mustn't take our word alone for it, though:

Oscar’s feelings towards Bosie at this time were complicated. Contrary to what it might at first seem, De Profundis is not a break-up letter. Oscar still, very much, wanted to be with him. […] Wilde brings up the ‘Oxford Mishap’ again and again in De Profundis. He emphasises this to show that Bosie was already ‘corrupted’ before they became intimate. Wilde also highlights the times he thought about ending the relationship and depicts a dynamic in which Bosie is constantly in pursuit, and he is constantly trying to escape. The explanations and justifications of his actions, and the anger and recriminations, make up such a large part of the letter that the ‘record of bitter moments’ overwhelms the more loving parts. Had he written the story of his friendship with Bosie at another time, he might have focused on the moments of joy rather than pain. (Indeed, there was such a record once, before Bosie burned his love letters.) In prison, he could produce only a story of suffering. [...] In the context of the prison document, nothing Bosie does is good enough. (Laura Lee, Oscar’s Ghost, ch. 17)

Douglas Murray also points out the distortion of Oscar’s recollections in his biography of Bosie (pages 77 and 101-102 are particularly relevant here). Interestingly enough, this entire topic is the source of increasing scholarly debate:

If one of them was exploiting the other, it’s not entirely clear who was the predator and who was the victim. The extent to which Bosie was responsible for Wilde’s downfall has been debated, while the source of Wilde’s foolish decision to sue the Marquis (arrogance? blind love for Bosie? deliberate martyrdom for a cause?) has likewise come under scrutiny. (Jean Roberta, ‘What Wilde Left Out of De Profundis’, The Gay & Lesbian Review)

Why shouldn’t we discuss this beyond the same old narrative that has been pushed for the past 100 years? That’s the thing with history; we have the incredible benefit of hindsight to objectively look at all the evidence, and should be able to posit views informed by research without being accused of ‘fetishizing’ or thinking their relationship was ‘some cutesy aesthetic’. Obviously. I’m pretty sure everyone knows they weren’t exactly an unproblematic couple. But you cannot conclusively state that Bosie was “a horrible excuse for a man and partner”, any more than you should act like Oscar was without flaws. He wasn’t. How did so many, after his death, recall him fondly? He was incredibly complex and possessed both good and bad traits, some of which appeared at different stages of his life. And if you cared to read more about Bosie—whilst not making his actions excusable (in particular reference to many of his actions that really were bad in the 1900s and 1910s)—he later recognised many of the mistakes he had made. He had masses said for Robbie, years after his death. He managed to converse with Vyvyan, at a ball in the late 1930s. He strongly rejected his earlier condemnation of Oscar, and Oscar Wilde and Myself. Oscar himself ends De Profundis by requesting that Bosie should tell him about his life, and his article in the Mercure de France, and the dedication of his poems: 'I have no doubt that there will be beauty in it.' He then goes on to explicitly express his belief that Bosie could learn from him; if he was so awful, would Oscar still display such faith in him, or demonstrate such an interest in him and their future reunion?

In pointing this out, we are not ignoring Bosie's bad sides. Shake your head all you want. We are not ‘Bosie apologists/defenders’; we are fully capable of acknowledging wrongdoing where wrongdoing was done. But these things can and should be discussed without the lens of De Profundis blurring Oscar’s entire relationship with Bosie. Do you think we have not read more about Bosie? We’ve read two biographies dedicated to him, alongside works focusing on Oscar.

This response can end on one of Bosie’s recollections, of words spoken by Oscar, ‘to the following effect’:

Surely you are not bringing up against me what I wrote in prison when I was starving and half mad. You must know that I didn’t really mean a word of what I said.

Considering Oscar rather happily returned to Bosie after his release, this bears some consideration, no?

#way too much to stick in a reply #oscar wilde #bosie douglas #my post #this is not a response written in anger or whatever else #rather an actual desire to get to the bottom of this discussion #history

[scalamore]

[Thoughts/Minor spoilers] Hide and Seek (Ch95)

Wanted to bring up some thoughts about Ch 95, especially a few points made by Sir Baileys: 1) As a child, Lari was like a reckless angel 2) When she's hurt, she still worries about others 3) She used to love playing hide and seek This is yet another reminder how Lari's memories is unlike what she thought was the truth: from her POV, she was always a well-behaved quiet, calm little girl that never ran around or anything exciting - at least that's what her mother told her (novel detail). However, Sir Bailey's recollection is different: she enjoyed playing games and running around, and doing whatever she wanted. It was to the point where she had a small team of knights play with her, to make sure she never got too far or lost. In one situation, she was stuck in a rosebush and cried because she couldn't get out; when Sir Baileys helped her out, she felt bad that he had pricked himself on the thorns and offered her a handkerchief. - This is yet another indication that the polite, quiet, well-behaved Lari of TL1 is not the "real Lari", but rather the easily excitable, emotional one that we've seen in TL2 is the real one. Her training by House Belois basically suppressed her true self for the longest time, and in TL2 she's undoing all that learned behavior and allowing her true self to shine - her true self that Rupert appreciates and grew to love. His description that she was a reckless angel is spot on - in Vol 5, Rupert used very similar terms to describe Lari - that she appeared so innocent as if she couldn't do any harm, but she was capable of anything due to that recklessness. Regarding point #2 - we see it over and over especially her towards rupert - she may be hurt herself, but she will still worry about him the most. (foreshadowing the next arcs) --

The term "Hide and seek" is very interesting, as in the novel, it describes the chapters that compose the arc where RupeLali are separated (Vol 5, Chapter 14: Hide and Seek). I think this chapter alludes to why it's titled that way: Lari used to love playing hide and seek, but stopped - probably because House Belois didn't let her have the chance to enjoy that freedom as she had to be trained to be a perfect lady. But just like she was a kid, after all the events at the start of Vol 5, Lari had enough, and she just wanted to run away and hide from everything. But as much as she wanted to hide from her responsibilities and Rupert, hide and seek doesn't end until "it" is found. In her case, the game of hide and seek has always been between her and Rupert.

They both helped each other find "their true selves". In the earlier chapters, she always sought Rupert out. He had a tendency to hide away when he was feeling hurt or upset, and would stay that way until he composed his tough guy exterior, then emerged the same as usual (Chapter 60, small flashbacks in Vol 5)

With her help and reassurance, helped him stay strong when things got rough. While at first he found her annoying for sticking beside him all the time, it didn't take long for him to warm up to her presence, and eventually, become uncomfortable when she wasn't there. By that time, he naturally sought her out himself (Notably in chapter 74, where he had no reasonable explanation for why he would visit her room, except he was bored ((he didn't care about the dresses, but it's hinted he used that as an excuse to look for her because she was late)). --

Rupert returns this act tenfold, as he finds her after she is kidnapped (Ch 46ish), from the Grand Duke's trap (Ch 70ish), when she hides away from the crowd during his coronation (Ch 77). In this current Debutante arc, we meet Elaine, who was personally selected by Rupert to ensure Lari's needs were met. She's from Belois, is very nice and friendly, who is loyal to both Rupert and Lari. While Lari is still the head attendant and Elaine is a maid that supports her, she still reports directly to Rupert often about Lari's activities. Although it sounds as if Rupert is monitoring Lari, that's not at all what is happening. Around this time, Rupert is trying to maximize his free time in between his duties and spending it with Lari. The issue is, is Lari is starting to feel super awkward around him because she's starting to become more aware of her feelings, so she hides away in libraries or something and somewhat avoids him. BUT HE HAS ELAINE TO SNIFF HER OUT (haha). and he always finds her, no matter where she is. During their separation, Rupert found her relatively quickly (through Lehan). The thing is, he understood that Lari wasn't ready to be "found" yet. She needed that time for herself, and as much as he wanted to reach out, he couldn't yet. So he just watched from afar. But when she was kidnapped by the psycho baker, he was the one who found her again. Throughout the series, he's the one who also found her "real self", and helped her realize this is the person she wanted to become. It's pretty cute, that at the start of Vol 5, in Rupert's POV, Lari was the one who always looked for him and found him when he was in pain, while at the end of the volume, Lari says that every time when she's feeling lost, Rupert is the one who finds her. THESE TWOOOOOO ;___;

#your majesty please spare me this time #rupelali #manhwa #rofan #otome isekai

[c-mxian]

Shangri La no Tori Ch 13

Phi is thinking about the sight of Apollo with another bird from earlier. Even though Apollo is straight, he seemed to be getting along fine with that bird. He wishes he didn’t see them together. He’s the one that trained Apollo, but it seems Apollo can be kind to anyone as long as it’s his job. Then again, it’s not like a straight guy like Apollo would have a reason to do that with a guy otherwise. Phi thinks back to the way Apollo gently caressed the bird from earlier and starts biting his thumb.

Marco walks by two birds and overhears one of them talking about Apollo. The bird is complaining about how Apollo’s guard is so high; he was able to go as far as undoing Apollo’s zipper. He looks for Apollo and finds him looking exhausted. It seems today was another tough day at work for him. He wonders why he can’t do the job as well as when he was with Phi. Marco tries to comfort him and they head off to eat with the others.

During dinner, Apollo tells the others that he thinks it might be impossible for him after all to do those things with a guy. Sheth wonders why he feels this way now since he seemed to be doing fine with Phi. Didn’t Phi train him to get used to it? That’s what Apollo intended, but although he had to kill his emotions the first time he was with Phi, he gradually got used to the touch of a man’s body. However, he doesn’t understand why it hasn’t been working out with the other birds no matter how hard he tries. Marco tells him that the bird he worked with yesterday was very happy with him and wants to work with him again. Apollo is relieved to hear so. He doesn’t have anything against gay men, but he just can’t seem to get himself to do anything sexual with another man. One of the studs (forgot his name) wonders why that is since the bird he was with should be more his type than Phi, who can be considered “beautiful”, but not necessarily in a feminine way. It could be that Apollo holds special feelings for Phi since he was his first. They suggest Apollo talk it over with the owner. Apollo says he will after he returns from the mainland.

Apollo is thinking about Phi in his room. Phi hasn’t come over ever since the night they spent together. He wonders if Phi is sleeping properly and what happened to his stalker. They haven’t run into each other lately. He wonders if Phi will still come to him when he needs someone to talk to.

On the mainland, Apollo meets up with Douglas to discuss details of Apollo’s divorce mediation settlement. Douglas says it would be more sensible for Apollo’s wife to agree to the divorce. If she’s trying this hard to hold on to their marriage, she shouldn’t have cheated on Apollo in the first place. Apollo recalls the conversation he had with Phi where Phi asked him why he can’t forgive his wife even though she was only playing around with the other guy. Apollo wonders why she gave into that temptation? Douglas thinks the change from being a career woman to becoming a housewife must have taken its toll on her. He asks Apollo if he doesn’t plan on making up with his wife and Apollo says he will not make up with her. Of course, not being able to forgive that kind of act is one reason, but the main one is because they have hurt each other too much. If he had listened to her at that time and didn’t act on his emotions, they probably would’ve been able to make up. However, the feelings he has already lost for her will never return. He can no longer imagine a future with her anymore.

Outside, Apollo and Douglas talk for a bit. Douglas asks Apollo about his job and whether Phi is doing well. Apollo tells him that they haven’t come across each other for a few days now. He thinks to himself that they won’t come into contact with each other as long as Phi doesn’t request him as a stud. Douglas notices Apollo looks down and wonders if Apollo has fallen for Phi. Apollo retorts that he’s straight, but Douglas says Phi is very beautiful. It’s because Douglas says these things that his wife thinks he’s bi. Anyways, there are strict rules that they have to follow at Shangri La. Douglas laughs and says rules exist to be broken. Before they head off to eat, Apollo asks about a classmate from college who became a police officer named John Collins and whether Douglas knows his contact information; he has a request.

Apollo is greeted by Marco when he returns to the island. Before heading to the cafeteria, he stops at the main hall  since the manager told him to show his face as soon as he returns. He came back right when Shangri La opened its business to customers. He walks past the crowd and sees Phi surrounded by multiple men. He is about to run over until he sees the smile on Phi’s face after one of the men comes on his face. Apollo walks out, looking very shocked as he recalls Phi’s expression from earlier.

This chapter was published in Canna 77. You can buy the digital version of the chapter on renta, cmoa, and ebookjapan.

#shangri la no tori #Zariya Ranmaru

[tuulikannel]

Everything Wrong with the Danganronpa 3 Anime (and what little I liked about it)

Okay… I’m late to the party and I bet others have voiced all my complaints before, but I just needed to vent, so here we go. Warning: this got long. And contains SPOILERS not only for DR3 but also DR2 and DR2.5.

Also, these are just my opinions. You’re free to disagree. If you in fact loved the anime, good for you! I wish I’d be able to. ^^;; (I'd also like to point out that I've seen it only once, and I might misremember some things, or maybe have misunderstood something, so feel free to correct me.)

(And one more disclaimer: I’m just venting here, ok? Do keep that in mind…)

Despair Side

Junko. How to write characters who are smarter than you is a question I too have struggled with. One thing I know, this is not the way to do it. Junko says in DR2 that she knows 17,082 ways of bringing people to despair. Clearly an exaggeration, and after all, here she needed only one: a brainwashing video. Okay, sure, I think some brainwashing via means like this simply has to also take place. Especially that’s true in the larger picture, with the masses, but also with our cast, to make them go as crazy as they did… but it being the only thing? Huh. I was expecting a master manipulator, but nah. What happened to her “charismatic ability to attract people” to her case, her “power to change other people’s values”, like all other leaders who are obsessed with their ideals? Ok, Monokuma’s – in other words, Junko’s – words. Ofc she would paint herself in that light. But can you blame me being disappointed to find out that she’s nothing but a fake? She didn’t need a single ounce of charisma to do what she did. Monokuma claimed he’s telling us the truth in ch 6 of DR2, but in the end almost everything was one big, fat lie. “She controlled their despair by taking advantage of their love, hate, grudges, anything really.” Yeah right.

Mukuro. If Junko doesn’t live up to her character, neither does Mukuro. She pretty much loses everything that made her interesting here and becomes nothing but a punching bag (with an incestuous twist). That’s pretty much all I have to say about her in DR3, which is sad in itself. >_>

Anyway, talking about the brainwashing… This removes all guilt from everyone involved. Yay, the characters we love are pure and innocent, they didn’t have this despair sleeping inside of them for Junko to wake up, they were just her poor victims. And maybe because of this they don’t have to deal with any trauma either, cause they sure seem to be perfectly happy in the end.

The trauma and the lack of it, both physical and mental… in the end, no one else but Nagito and Fuyuhiko had mutilated their bodies (or if they had, it wasn’t visible). That’s fine… but in that case, I think Makoto & co really should have told them that when they were freaking out about their bodies being messed up. Also, someone (Akane, probably, for it'd be serious despair for her) supposedly starved themself nearly to death, but there's no sign of something like that, either. It’s just like… this anime really downplays everything we learned in DR2, and nothing that happened in it really matters at all.

Class 77 falling into despair as they did was such a letdown. Yeah, this is still about the brainwashing. Just for the record, I’m not complaining about them being brainwashed, per se. I’m complaining about the method of that brainwashing. My biggest problem here is that there’s no individuality. Basically the entire class (apart from Mikan, Chiaki, and the imposter) are treated as just the same faceless mass. In DR2, I could see hints for basically each character of where their despair might spring from, but none of that is needed. They’re a perfectly happy bunch of kids before they see this single video. Which brings me to…

Sato’s death. Now, that could have been the moment to start the downhill. First, Mahiru’s best friend kills Fuyuhiko’s sister for her sake. Then, Fuyuhiko kills said friend. But they seem to get over this without too much trouble. Ultimately, it doesn’t really have any far-reaching consequences at all. (Unless you count Nagito’s stupid act of terrorism as one, I guess.)

Twilight Syndrome Murder Case in general was weird in the anime. I’m not even sure what truly happened there, it was just rushed over. The scene with Mahiru and Sato wasn’t like in DR2. Did Mahiru take those photos? Was Sato the murderer? Did Fuyuhiko kill her? What’s the truth of this case?

Nagito being an outsider in the class. (Well, tbh, I guess this makes sense. I still don’t have to like it.) I get it that they didn’t like to hang out with him after the first trial in DR2, and I bet he’s always been a weirdo, but I was really hoping to see him be a part of the group at least a bit more strongly than he was. They didn’t care much at all that he was gone, and Chiaki was the only one to welcome him back when he returned. No wonder he was dreaming about having friends in DR2.5…

Izuru being a bystander. It kind of feels like the point of this anime is to show us that they’re all good people through and through and haven’t done anything bad (except maybe after being brainwashed into totally different people). Surprise, surprise! Monokuma lied to us about Izuru’s involvement in the deaths of the student council too! Well, to be honest, it wasn’t a complete surprise to me that the version he provided us in DR2 wasn’t quite truthful (even though he repeatedly claimed otherwise!) I was wondering about it back then, in fact. But still. Izuru just is there. He doesn’t do anything. Well, he kills that one single person who attacks him at the end of the scene where the student council members murder each other. Oh, and I guess he tries to kill Nagito. Speaking of which…

Izuru meeting Nagito. Ok, I know that Junko wiped Nagito’s memory, which is the reason he doesn’t recognize Izuru on the boat in chapter 0 of DR2. But this doesn’t change the fact that when this meeting took place, I couldn’t really enjoy that otherwise quite brilliant scene, cause I was just going like “wtf, how can this happen?!” And then it’s all explained away with basically one single sentence, much later on.

Overall, the memory swipe thing is, in my opinion, used a bit too much here. It becomes such a cheap plot device – anything can happen, cause we just make them forget about it. Did Junko even really have time to do that there, for the entire class? And I don’t get why Izuru asked her to do it in the first place. He said something about meeting the class soon again, and that it would be boring if they knew each other. Why? The first thought I had was that he was talking about the island, but honestly, no one knew anything about that going to happen yet at this point, and I refuse to believe that Izuru could predict all that. That’s getting ridiculous. And even if he could, Izuru wasn’t on the island as himself but as Hajime, and they had anyway forgotten all that happened during their school life, so… it’s just utterly pointless. I can’t help feeling that the makers just really wanted for this meeting to take place, and then used this by now rather worn plot device to make Nagito forget all about it. It just makes no sense to me. They could have just made that scene so that Nagito never clearly sees Izuru. Problem solved, and no need for any pointless mind swipes.

The deaths of the student council. That… happened way too easily. Just how horrifying secrets can high schoolers have that they’d go crazy and start killing like that? And even if one does, for heavens’ sake, there’s a roomful of people, someone just grab her. Ok, Mukuro’s there and she has a gun. She shot someone. She’s the ultimate soldier. They are in trouble, I give you that. But to cave in that quickly and just start murdering each other even without any brainwashing just makes no sense on any level. I’m sorry, Hajime, I much prefer the version where Izuru killed them all.

Btw, just how big is the reserve course? 2,357 reserve course students committed mass suicide (if we trust the numbers Monokuma provided. Maybe he exaggerated. Maybe it’s just a random number, just like that 17,082 earlier.) But as the reserve course has existed only for two years, if that number applies, even with huge classes of 49 people each, there’d be at least 24 classes each year. That’s some real revenue they’re aiming for there, all I can say. I sort of thought that number would also include alumni or something. (Also... someone should have told the reserve course students they shouldn't open strange files sent from unknown people.)

Chiaki’s death. Oh, I love her. I also think that killing her is an excellent way to try to break her classmates. But it being the only way… nah. There were so many relationships they talked about in the FTE’s of DR2 that could have been used (Hiyoko's father, Teruteru's mother, Ibuki's band members, Nekomaru’s hospital mate etc.) but they just made everything center on Chiaki. Kind of… lazy. And the death itself… in a sense, it’s such a fitting end for a gamer. Just, when the hell did Junko build that maze thing basically underneath the schoolyard without anyone noticing it at all? This is even more ridiculous than the DR1 executions. It’s just not possible. The deaths worked in the game setting, and there Junko had had time to prepare everything without anyone getting in the way and she had people like the Ultimate Mechanic helping her, but here… maybe it’s just me, but I wish it’d be something more realistic.

People being stupid and/or spineless for the sake of the plot. Sakakura letting Junko to bully him to lie to Munakata about something as big as this for such a reason? So she has a photo of him looking at Munakata’s picture with a smile? Oh the horror. Say it’s fake. Say you were just looking at the picture of your best friend. Can’t you smile at that? Or man up and confess to him yourself. Yukizome going underground without letting anyone know what she’s up to. Are you suicidal, girl? At least answer the damn phone and let them know where you're going before starting to explore mysterious underground passages by yourself. You're supposed to be the adult here, try to be a bit more sensible and responsible, would you? Being a teacher and being a superhero are two different things. You're not Korosensei. And the kids too, in fact. What are they doing, going after their teacher like that without informing anyone? Call the freaking police! But nope, even though most of them have no combat abilities whatsoever (and one of their strongest fighters was already once defeated!), they just have to go after her by themselves – carrying an injured person with them, to boot. What are they thinking? Ok, I get it, they're kids. But still.

Future Side

The plot. The leader of the Future Foundation arranges the killing game thing to make Mitarai share the hope brainwashing video with the world? This is the lousiest plan ever. If he really couldn’t convince Mitarai to do that any other way, after the world has pretty much literally ended, how could he be so sure that this would work? He might have caused all that killing just for nothing. In fact, Mitarai wasn’t even supposed to be there, and I wonder if he would have still done that in the end, if he hadn’t witnessed it all firsthand.

The utter dysfunctionality of the Future Foundation. And how unreasonable and idiotic these people are. How has this lot been able to fight the Despairs and be successful about it? They don’t seem to be capable of any kind of cooperation, and half of them hate the other half enough to literally murder them. Even that confectionery girl doesn’t trust someone completely loyal to her enough to believe he woulnd’t kill her, but murders him instead, just in case. Sure, I get it, she has this betrayal trauma, but still. What the actual fuck. (Okay, so they’re totally unaware that they’ve got despair lurking among them, which might be partly behind the dysfunctionality, but even so.) …moreover, this anime introduces so many people, but I remember the names of only a few. They’re just a bunch of pointless characters who’ve got pointless subplots and who die pointless deaths. 12 episodes simply wasn’t enough to give a cast this big enough time to develop meaningfully.

Munakata’s motives… don’t make any sense whatsoever. That guy doesn’t make any sense, at least not in the future arc. He’s fine in the despair arc, but here… he’s just crazy. (And yeah, maybe he’s supposed to be that, but even so, I just struggled to understand him a bit too much.) I guess he thinks the hope Makoto represents is a false hope and therefore dangerous, which is why he wants to kill Makoto? Something like that, but overall, he’s simply nuts, and not in a good way. The whole trial thing is a farce from the beginning.

Daisaku Bandai, the Ultimate Farmer… the first colored character in the series, and this is his talent. In addition, with his appearance and mannerisms, he’s such a… simply put, racist stereotype. Apparently (according to a databook about DR3) his character is based on Uncle Tom, which… might not be the best source material for creating black characters. >_> And we have him for one episode, until he dies because of the unfairest ?? code of them all.

The DG codes or whatever they were called, can’t remember and don’t really care. Can we say plot device? Yes we can. They’re mainly just used to kill off fodder characters and force plot twists to happen. Maybe they bring along some interesting scenes, too, but overall they're just... nah. ...Zero Escape used these bracelets so much better, tbh.

Fake deaths of Hina and Kyoko. Three fake deaths in 12 episodes is three two too many! Hina’s case was just silly, but ok I guess. It sure was startling, anyway, when it seemed she had died. Then, when the same thing happened with Kyoko (in Makoto’s nightmare, but there was no way we could tell it was a dream before it ended), it was getting a bit frustrating, but I could have forgiven that – if she had stayed dead once she dies the second time, that is. I mean, I love her and I’m happy she lives, but this is getting ridiculous. Where did she get that medicine, anyway? How did she know it might help? Well, I guess she found it on that pharmacist’s body when she was examining her… (and here’s the real question, how and when did the pharmacist… Seiko, was it? have the means and time to develop that medicine?) Anyway, betting her life on an unknown medicine like that is just reckless. In Kyoko’s place, I would have done what Sakakura did and cut off my hand. Yeah, that’s extremely reckless too, and likely to lead to death in those conditions, but still a better option in my mind. Also, in Monokuma’s words, “Well, nobody’s gonna appreciate a game where you don’t die when you’re supposed to, right?” Right.

Btw, Kyoko! What the hell. Dear girl. Why didn’t you examine properly that fake exit place? You could have done what Sakakura did in the end and ended the game right there and then. You’re smarter than this.

Ultra Despair Girls episode. I’m saying this as someone who liked both the game (for the most part) (def not all parts, you know >_>) and Toko & Komaru: that was complete waste of time. The only thing it gave us was a fanserivice shot of Komaru’s panties. (Why?) As I said before, at 12 episodes the Future side is too short to begin with, and there really wasn’t room for a filler episode like that. Besides… Monaca flying off into space… in that van… is maybe supposed to be funny, but to me it was so stupid it almost hurts. And even by game standards, Komaru and Toko surviving that fall without a scratch is ridiculous. (Also, can’t those two seriously find some new clothes anywhere? ^^;;) (All that said, it was kinda fun to see them again.)

Timeline. More than a complaint, this is something I’m simply a bit confused about. How long passed betwen UDG and DR2? It sounds like not too long. Everything seemed to be ready for DR2 then: Izuru got Junko AI from Kuro&Shirokuma, Nagito told Monaca that he has to be somewhere soon. And still Nagito had enough time to make Monaca so fed up with both hope & despair? Boy he’s efficient. XD

…actually, the timeline is a bit of a mess, really… after DR2, that is. I mean… that much time can’t have passed between Makoto & co leaving Jabberwock island and the farce Makoto’s trial. But still the DR2 gang’s ready to come for help very quickly. So they all have to wake up and be rehabilitated (after spending over a month in a coma-like state), almost in a matter of days. And Nagito gets that robotic arm of his, too, literally right after he wakes up, apparently… (it seems to happen just in time for him to catch the boat with the others.) Oh well. Maybe Hajizuru had already made it for him. Whatever. Onward.

Komaru’s warning to Makoto. “Hey big bro, this person we have no reason to trust just said that someone’s gonna die cause of you.” “Omg, I’m the worst, I never meant for that to happen! T_T” …I just can’t. Makoto! It hasn’t even happened yet! If you’re so worried about it, why don’t you even try to find out what it’s about? Take action! At least try to stop it from happening!

The whole thing with Mitarai uploading his video. 30 min load time? How does it take that long? How big is the video? A few seconds of it seem to be enough to brainwash people, anyway. Ok, I get it, they need to give time for people to reach him. And of course, he cancels the upload at the last seconds. (cliché much…) Of course it’s nice that they can talk him out of it and get him to do that himself, but in that kind of situation where you overpower a single guy 15-1, you really don’t need to cut it that close.

And finally, I just have to mention this… the red blood. Why? I haven’t been able to figure out a single proper reason for this. First I thought that maybe the blood is pink in the games due to stricter censorship in Japan – in the games, kids die, but here they’re adults, so maybe that’s why the blood can be red? That sounds kind of stupid though, and they could have kept the pink blood just for consistency’s sake. (Maybe there are different standards for games and animation? I don’t know.)

Anyway, Twilight Murder Syndrome in the game had red blood and a realistic image of a dead girl, so I really don’t know about that censorship theory. There I don’t mind the red blood, though. On the contrary. I thought it was really funny how in that game inside the game, blood was red and characters were drawn quite realistically. Kind of like… what is realistic to us, is in the DR world considered some weird anime style. XD Having red blood in the future arc kinda ruins this. One theory I’ve heard was that the blood is pink during the time of Junko’s influence or something like that, but I honestly don’t get that at all. Despair turns blood pink?

And if it’s red just so they could play the silly ketchup trick on Hina, I will scream. >_>

ETA: apparently the blood was pink cause it added to the psycho-pop feeling of the game. Why not just to keep it like that?

Hope side

Do I like it or hate it? I don’t know. The trouble with the hope arc… it feels like such a fan wish fulfillment episode. Yeah, I’m falling for it too… it’s fun to see all the DR2 people doing their thing. But even so. I don’t know. Some parts of it just feel pretty silly. And all these people… seem so happy. Which is great. But I’d wish to see a bit of that trauma they must have… I mean, even if it was all due to brainwashing, they’ve done horrible things. Murdered people. Their families. And then there’s all the stuff that happened in DR2. Are they really over it all, just like that?

Things I liked in the anime

Umm.

Chiaki. <3 And her friendship with Hajime. I’ve heard some people complain that it was boring, but seriously… that’s the best kind of friendship there is. Where you can just be in someone's company, totally relaxed like that, and the silences are never awkward. I could easily see that relationship to develop into something more.

Yukizome. Most of the time. Except when she was being an idiot. Or when she came back from teaching the reserve course, just saying that oh, she suffered there so much. That was really disappointing, I didn’t take her to be an ass like that. >_>

I did complain about Izuru being a bystander, but in a way I really like his apathetic attitude.

Fuyuhiko’s little sister being part of the reserve course. That was a really good explanation for the silly Ultimate Little Sister title.

The first episode of despair arc was quite fun… (even though it’s ridiculous that attending classes isn’t mandatory in this school. Great that they’ve time to develop their talents, but they truly don’t have to learn anything else? Seriously? Why is this school considered so great again? XD)

Nagito meeting Makoto! XD Never change, my darling nutcase. 💜 (That said, I’m gonna take that boy to therapy.)

(Heh. It genuinely seems to be so that there wasn't anything in the Future side that I would have liked.)

Hmm. Anything else on my mind…?

Oh oh oh! What’s up with Chiaki at the end, though? Is Hajime now also the Ultimate Medium who can converse with the dead whenever he wants to? Does Chiaki (the AI version) somehow live on in his mind? What the hell was that!? I truly love her, but she if anyone should have stayed properly dead. Death isn't as cheap as this in Danganronpa…

And one more thing about which I’ve been wondering for long, already before watching this anime: what about Hajime’s family? Did his parents have any idea of what was going on with their (underage) son? Didn’t they wonder how he just disappeared? Or did they actually consent to all this?

Huh. Now I’m done, I guess. I said it’d be long. I hope I didn’t forget anything… and, uh, congrats if you managed to read through my entire rant, I guess? ^^;

#am i ranting? yes i am #don't mind me #dr3 anime

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 77-81

This is the Seras vs. Captain fight, which is for some reason broken up over a one-shot “Operation Wolf”, and two 2-part arcs “Warcraft” and “Wolffang”.  

Seriously, why not just call it “Wolf Stuff” parts 1 through 5 and be done with it?

Okay, so The Captain has been hanging around Millennium since they debuted in Brazil, but he hasn’t done jack shit so far.   He intercepted Walter and Integra when they were trying to drive home to Hellsing HQ, and Walter sent Integra away, claiming that he doubted that he could defeat the Captain at his advanced age. After Integra left, he remarked that the Captain was just as strong as he had been when Walter last met him, presumably in 1944.

Then it turned out that Walter was secretly in league with Millennium, and as the invasion of London started to turn against the Nazis, you had the Captain and Vampire Walter both sort of hanging back and protecting the Major.  Then Alucard showed up and the Captain got right in his face, along with Alexander Anderson, as if to suggest that the three of them were the “big guns” of their respective camps.   But he still didn’t do a whole lot.   I mean, he attacked Alucard while he unlocked Level 0, but so did everyone else and it didn’t do any good.   When Anderson tried to fight Alucard one-on-one, the Captain and Walter held back and watched.

Finally, when Walter made his big play against Alucard, the Captain only stepped into keep anyone else from stepping in.   He shot Heinkel in the face, but not fatally, and even gave her a medical kit before he headed back to the Major’s blimp.

So this part where he confronts Integra and Seras as they fight their way to the Major is supposed to be a big deal, like when Darth Maul appears on Naboo and the Jedi have to fight him while Queen Amidala takes her soldiers on a detour.   Except it works in Star Wars because we had seen Darth Maul fight earlier in the movie, and we knew what he was capable of.  With the Captain, I guess the main appeal is that the story treats him like a big deal, as if hyping up the eventual moment when he finally shows us what he can do.    Well this is it. 

Leading into this fight, the Major was explaining to Hellsing that he and his Last Battalion crave death, but not just any old death.   They want to go out in a glorious struggle, which is why they spent 55 years preparing to pick a fight with the Hellsing Organization.   At this point, just about everyone in Millennium is dead, so now it comes down to the last few guys to choose their partners for their own final dance.   The Major wants a showdown with Integra, so the Captain points out the way for her so she can leave Seras and the Captain to have their showdown.

At this point, it’s really just process of elimination.  I think by now, Millennium’s down to just five guys: The Major, the Captain, the Doctor, Walter, and Warrant Officer Schrodinger.   Dok and Schrodinger don’t seem like fighters, and apparently Walter vs. Alucard suits the Major’s plans, so either the Captain can fight Seras or he can stand around and watch everyone else fight.  That seemed obvious to me when I watched the OVA in 2016, but now I’m thinking about it a little more.

I mean, for me, this is great, because Seras is my favorite character, and this means we get another Seras fight out of this story before it wraps up.   And the general idea here is that this is Seras’ first real battle after she leveled-up and turned the tables on Zorin Blitz.   This is a chance for her to face a much stronger enemy and show off what she can really do as a “true” vampire.  One advantage of late-game Seras is that Kouta Hirano draws her a lot more seriously.   Her stockings aren’t as baggy and her boobs aren’t flopping around like two walnuts in a condom.   I’ve always felt like a lot of early Seras art was intentionally silly just to emphasize her as a rookie-sidekick-comic relief.   That never completely goes away with Seras, but in the later volumes she gets to at least approach the dignity of her masters.

So for my money, this whole fight justifies the Captain’s existence in the story.   He was waiting in the wings to fight Seras once she had grown powerful enough to rise to the challenge.   And they did a good job building the guy up for this.  He never fought anyone up to now, but Walter acted like he was a big deal, and we’ve seen Walter wipe out a lot of bad guys over this story.  And his three-way showdown with Anderson and Alucard suggests that he could fight Alucard and not look too stupid.  

Also, I finally found a scanlation of Hellsing: The Dawn, and confirmed that yes, Kid Walter and Girlycard faced the Captain in 1944, and Girlycard cut and run.   The Dawn ended right after that moment, so we still don’t know exactly why Alucard abandoned that fight.   Was he actually afraid he might lose?  I suspect there was more to it than that.   The point is that if you know about that moment, you realize that Seras is in deep water here.   She’s throwing down with a guy who stood up to Walter and Alucard and survived.  

So this fight is a big deal for Seras’ character arc, but I sort of wonder if this was what the Captain wanted.  Everyone else in Millennium was looking forward to this big epic battle in London, just killing and eating civilians left and right, and then dying in some climactic battle with Hellsing and/or the 9th Crusade and/or a nuclear bomb dropped by the Queen.    I can imagine Zorin Blitz anxiously awaiting any of those outcomes.  

But the Captain’s almost too powerful for his own good, and I suspect he’s the one guy who understood what the Major had in mind for Alucard.   So he knew he wouldn’t get to fight Alucard or Walter or Anderson, because they’d be too busy fighting each other.   Anyone else is a mismatch for him.   He beat Heinkel Wolfe like she was nothing.   None of the 9th Crusaders would have stood a chance against him.   Seras is giving him a decent workout, but Seras wasn’t even on the board until a few months ago, and she didn’t start drinking blood until last night.

So was the Captain just sort of going along with the Major’s plan, hoping against hope that there’d be sport for him in London?  Maybe he was the backup plan in case something fell through with Walter or Anderson.  Maybe he was thrilled when they learned that Alucard had turned Seras.  “Maybe she can give me the fight I want,” he might have thought to himself. 

You know, I’m just thinking out loud here, but I think I’m starting to get into this guy.  I never cared much for The Captain’s strong silent act before, but he makes a nice blank slate that you can project things onto.   Maybe he’s been observing Seras this whole time, trying not to get his hopes up, but also knowing that she was his only chance to get anything out of this battle.   He’d watch the Dandyman fight and hope that Dandyman didn’t kill her.   He’d watch the crisis with the H.M.S. Eagle and be relieved that Alucard was sent to stop Rip van Winkle and not Seras, who might not have survived the attempt.   He’d watch Zorin Blitz’s unauthorized assault on the Hellsing Mansion and wonder if Zorin blew his chance or saved it.   There’s a fanfic in this.   I gotta write this down.  Wait, I am writing it down.   Sorry.

Let me get back to the fight itself.   After we get past the “shooting big guns at each other” stage, the fundamental problem becomes apparent.    The Captain can become intangible, allowing him to hit Seras without getting hit back.  This is something I had trouble following the first time I watched this fight, because early on, the Captain seemed to fake out Seras by slipping out of his coat and using it as a decoy.   Like, that’s a trick a mortal fighter could pull, but the point is that The Captain keeps doing that same gag without the coat.  But I didn’t pick up on it because he transforms into a wolf-like creature, so it didn’t register that he’s a giant werewolf and he can turn intangible.  But yeah, he can do both, and that’s why he gave Walter and Al such a hard time before.   You can’t hit the guy, and even if you could, he’s not a vampire, so the usual anti-vampire tactics we’ve seen so far aren’t going to be enough.

Meanwhile, Alucard is fed up with this fight against Walter.   Walter’s body is powerful but unstable, so it’s really just a matter of time before Alucard wins by default.    But he’s not willing to wait that long, because Walter’s a shithead turncoat who doesn’t deserve the honor of a glorious last stand.   Anderson got that honor, but Walter?   Get outta town.  So instead, Alucard decides to drink a bunch of blood to power up and crush Walter in one fell swoop.  

“But where’s he gonna get blood at this hour?” you might ask.   “The Blood Store” doesn’t open until 9:30am!”

Oh, that’s no trouble at all.   After all, there was an enormous battle in London last night, so Alucard can just summon all of the blood from everyone who was killed.  London civilians, Ninth Crusaders, Millennium troops, all of them.   I don’t know what the range is on this ability, but if you’re dead and you have blood, he’s taking it.  

This development pleases the Major, who reflects on the nature of vampires, and why he would never want to be one.    He flashes back to what I assume was the Battle of Berlin?  There were Russian soldiers beating the shit out of him and then they shot him and left him for dead.   I guess that could be any German town invaded by Soviet troops in the final months of the war.   Anyway, that moment bears a striking resemblence to Vlad Tepes’ final human moments in Chapter 68.   The blood even seems to seep towards the Major, as though inviting him to drink before he dies, so that he can become a vampire himself.  But the Major refuses.

Then the Doctor and the Captain happened along and saved him, I guess.  This marks the first confirmation that the Major is not a vampire like his Last Battallion troops.   Somehow he looks exactly the same in 1999 as he did in 1944, but it’s not because of vampire powers.    Well, the Doctor might have turned him into a vampire after 1944, right?   Wrong, the Major despises the very concept of becoming a vampire, because he understands the whole deal with absorbing the souls of others when you drink their blood.    As he sees it, doing this represents a dilution of the self.    Alucard has been drinking the blood of thousands of people over the centuries, which has made him powerful and nigh immortal, but you can make the argument that he’s lost his own identity in the process.    The Major respects his power but he considers the price too high.   “I am me,” he declares, in defiance of all the glorious, beautiful power that Alucard has.    That’s what makes them enemies, in his mind.  

So the Major resolved to defeat Alucard without becoming a vampire himself.   For him, this “war” he keeps talking about has been like a mountain climber looking for the ultimate mountain to climb.    How could he achieve this lofty goal?   Everything he’s done has been to set up this singular moment.    That’s why he treated his own goons as expendable, and why he never cared much when one of them failed a mission or defied him.   The Doctor thought Dandyman might beat Alucard, but the Major knew it would never be that easy.   It was just a test run to guage Alucard’s abilities.  Rip van Winkle and Zorin Blitz were never supposed to succeed in their missions, they were just pawns sacrificed to get the opposing pieces into position.   The Catholic forces were there to force Alucard to unleash Level 0 and then lose all of his stored-up souls.   And then Walter would attack Alucard, goading him into drinking all this new blood to finish the battle. 

But what good would that do the Major?  Well, he seems to think he can “poison” this “wine”.   But we’ll get into that later.   For now, the point is that the Major has good reason to be smiling, even though he seems to be on the verge of defeat.

But let’s get back to this shindig.   You know, the Captain looks kind of cute this way, like he’s just sniffing Seras to get to know her.  

Just as Seras begins to despair, she suddenly hears a guy with a French accent speaking in her mind.    It’s Pip!  He’s alive!  Bullllllshit he is, he took a scythe in the back and Seras drank all his blood.  He’s as dead as it gets, but she can hear him anyway.  

The OVA explained this better.   There, when Zorin tried to read Seras’ mind that last time, she saw Pip’s memories intermingled with hers, and when Shrodinger appeared to relay the Major’s message, he also mentioned that when a human gives up his blood to a vampire willingly, it has a more profound effect on the vampire who consumes it.   And this always struck me as a good explanation for why Seras overwhelmed Zorin so completely, and why Pip could still retain his consciousness inside Seras.    We already saw Alucard’s host of absorbed souls, but they were little more than mindless drones.    I always found Dandyman and Rip to be especially frigthening, because we know they were bitter enemies of Alucard, but they seem completely oblivious to this as they fight in his service as familiars.    But Pip is his own man.   Maybe it helps that he’s the only one in Seras’ “castle”, but it’s probably got more to do with the fact that they were friends before and he wanted it to be this way.

Anyway, Pip starts giving Seras advice during the fight.  He convinces her not to give up, and then he gives pointers on how to use her powers in more tactical ways.   For example, instead of using her left arm to throw her shadow tendril at the Captain like a spear, he tells her to cast it along the ground.    This way, she can attack him along a plane, instead of a single point, making it harder for him to avoid it.  

But it still doesn’t solve the problem of the Captain’s intangibility.   I guess he can turn into something like mist?  I’m not sure what it is exactly, except that he can’t be touched unless he wants to be.

The Captain knocks Seras down into the cargo hold of the airship, where Seras discovers a gold tooth, and Pip observes that this must be a horde of treasure that the Nazis stole from all of their victims in World War II.   It’s easy to lose sight of the Nazi angle with this story, because it’s introduced like this shocking development, and then it becomes to commonplace in the story that it’s almost like background noise.   But this moment offers a helpful way to bring that back into focus.   There was never any cause behind Nazi Germany.   It was always about killing and brutalizing other people and taking all their stuff.   Likewise, Millennium’s been doing all this horrible shit for no other reason than the sick fun of it.  I think Kouta Hirano chose the Nazi imagery because he’s a World War II buff, but I’m glad he threw in scenes like these to remind everyone that this isn’t just some aesthetic choice.   He’s using the Nazis’ real world atrocities to bolster this dark narrative where the good guy is fucking Dracula of all people.

On another note, why did Millennium bring all this shit with them?   I guess they knew they wouldn’t be coming back to Brazil, but the Major seems pretty sure they won’t be leaving England alive either.   Then again, it seems like a lot of his men didn’t understand this, so maybe he only allowed them to bring their treasure to humor them.  

But it works out for the Captain because he brought Seras down here so he could kick a silver tooth at her.   Pip realizes that it’s a hint.   I don’t know if the Captain is trying to lose this fight, but he at least wants Seras to know how to beat him.   Maybe he’s just bored dodging her attacks, and he thinks he needs to give her a handicap to make this more interesting.    Or maybe he honestly doesn’t care about this fight, and he’s just trying to find someone to put him out of his misery because he can’t do it himself.

Something I noticed in the manga is that Seras is only briefly surprised to hear Pip speaking from within her.   Like, she wasn’t expecting this to happen, but it doesn’t take her very long to get used to it.   Maybe this is part of her development.    Stuff like this no longer throws her anymore.    She just instinctively understands how her vampire body works now.  How is Pip smoking right now?  How is she aware of him smoking?  Why does she care if he does it or not?  I dig this sort of thing because we never find out, but even if we had the answers we could never understand what this is like.  

My only complaint about the whole “Pip’s inside me” development is that it threatens to undermine Seras’ rise as a hero in her own right.    She became what she is now when she made the decision to drink blood and embrace her true nature.    But now that she’s here, she’s taking orders from Pip and calling him “Sir”, which sort of implies that she’s only doing this well because she’s merged with Pip and he’s giving her directions.  

Like, I know that’s not the real message her.    This is just Seras getting deeper into her own powers, one of which is the ability to use familiars like her Master did earlier.   It just plays out differently because she only has one and it’s a more personal connection.   She’s probably only calling him “sir” because Seras is just respectful of her elders and that’s in-character for her.   But I’m still not crazy about some of this.   

Anyway, they figure out that the Captain has to turn solid when he attacks, so the key here is to eat a hit from the Captain and then hit him back before he can go intangible again.

So Seras puts it all togehter for one final attack.    He picks up a huge bomb and throws it at the Captain...

...then she tries to divekick him through the smoke of the explosion.    He spots her anyway, but it doesn’t matter because...

... she needs to hit him while he’s trying to hit her.   I think the smoke was just to make him think she was making a mistake when she was actually trying to get him to stand his ground.   Note that Seras is punching with her left arm.   Usually it’s just a trail of shadowy tendrils, but she’s been coalescing it into a more typical arm shape during this fight, mostly to hold guns and such.  

So they punch each other’s hands so hard that their arms explode, but Seras recovers faster, because she’s used to that left arm being all disintegrated, I guess.  Then she says “Oo-wa-a-a!” like she’s either singing “Down With The Sickness” or doing the Count von Count laugh.   Take your pick, I got no idea what these word balloons are about.

The Captain throws a knee, but this time Seras catches his leg in her teeth, so I guess he can’t just go intangible like he normally does.  This sets him up nicely for...

... Pip emerging from her left shoulder with the silver tooth.    It’s a cool moment because it confirms that Pip isn’t just a voice in her head speaking from beyond the grave or whatever.    He’s in there, inside of her, just like with Alucard and all of his familiars.    This is Seras Victoria’s version of “Level 0″, which makes you wonder if she has the same Control Art Restriction thingies that Alucard had.   She just seems to have inherited these abilities from Alucard, powers which I’m pretty sure the Hellsing Organization gave Alucard when they enhanced him over the past 100 years.    Seras is doing all this naturally, if you can apply a word like “naturally” to alchemically enhanced vampires.  

Anyway, Pip coming out to say hello means that Seras has a  longer reach on her left side, so he drives the tooth into the Captain’s heart before he can do anything.   Then Pip flips him off for good measure.

And that does the trick.  The Captain seems surprised to be beaten this way, and then he laughs silently as he bursts into flame.   I almost wonder if he was relieved to meet his end.   The other Millennium soldiers died smiling, but he seemed more haunted by his time as an immortal monster.   Anyway, Seras is fucking sick of these Nazi Vampires and their nihilist bullshit.

So has Sir Integra, who has finally found the Major, only to discoer he’s behind some reinforced glass dome or something.   She uses up her ammo trying to shoot it, and then she breaks her sword on it.   

And this is standard for the Major, as he seems to relish the chance to explain everything.   Now that there’s no one left on his own team to listen, he seems to really want to go over it all with Integra, since he needs her to understand that this was all part of his plan.   Alucard’s about to disappear, and I guess he couldn’t stand the thought of Integra thinking it was a coincidence.

So yeah, Alucard is busy gathering up all the blood of all the dead people in London, something like three million people.   There’s rivers of blood flowing through town, converging on his location, and Warrant Officer Schrodinger is watching all of this when he suddenly whips out a knife and decapitates himself.

Then his head and body plunge into the river of blood.   I guess it was impossible to kill this little turd, so maybe it figures that he had to kill himself.

And Alucard, completely unaware of this, sucks up all the blood without a care in the world.   He’s finally ready to end Walter once and for all, but the Major thinks this is the end of Alucard instead.   But why?   Well...

#2021hellsingliveblog #hellsing #alucard #seras victoria #the captain #sir integra hellsing #the major #warrant officer schrodinger #the doctor #kind of surprised i had this much to say about the captain #but that's why these liveblogs are fun #you make connections you wouldn't otherwise make

[aysall]

on Jin, and his story.

A sort of analysis retracing Twice’s journey. It’s long and convoluted, but I wanted to give him a proper goodbye. 

[P.S. seeing a lot of discourse lately I want to specify that mine is not a moral analysis. I’m not interested in discussing who’s right or wrong in the conflict. I understand why other people do it, it’s just not me. Hope you enjoy.]

The parable of Twice’s character has been explored throughout the story of My Hero Academia in an extremely conscious way. His first appearance in chapter 77 occurs briefly and unexpectedly; unlike the other villains, he’s not depicted in a disturbing or dangerous light and that’s why at first glance he’s easy to categorize as unimportant (in hindsight, this sort of unique introduction should’ve said a lot about him). While the Forest Training Camp Arc reaches its peak Twice reappears several times in an increasingly comic light helped by the continuous, incomprehensible at the time, contradictions with himself. Still not scary, besides the funniness, he begins to be endearing.

A jump, and here comes chapter 115, the first to be completely dedicated to a villain and it really is interesting: hero society is seen through different eyes and its supposed “moral goodness” is questioned. Our gaze turns briefly towards the outcasts upon hearing «Heroes only save good people», is it really so? And why is a comic-relief character revealing this?

Jin Bubaigawara’s face is devoid of comedy as much as Twice’s mask is full of it: empty eyes marked by fatigue, a scar that divides the forehead in two, a story about losing oneself and their sense in the world. A double meaning, it’s early to comprehend it fully but My Hero Academia is opening to the other side, willingly listening and we listen with it. «By helping the League that accepted me as I am … I want to think that I am okay with the way I am, too» Mh. Okay. Let’s go on.

Twice’s development continues along the Overhaul Arc, as it opens with an error on his part which leads to Magne’s death, and from there it unfolds, in guilt, comfort and resoluteness. Toga, who until then was quite the flat character, cartoonishly depicted as creepy and psychotic, accompanies him showing a different side of herself through the first act of kindness we see from a villain. It’s worth underlining how, in regards to Twice, many of the bad guys soften, showing more delicate and empathic gestures: Giran welcomes him, Shigaraki allows (and uses at best) his sentimentality, even Dabi puts aside his indifference to encourage him. I think it’s because such dedication drives others to respond in kind.

Anyway, «I’m human too y’know… Shigaraki!» (ch.148) with this sentence, what previously was only speculation becomes clearer in the reader’s eyes and seals the promise of a conscious and attentive development: Twice’s role is aimed at opening a gash on the villain’s inwardness, invisible until that point, and it’s thanks to him that we begin to observe them in a more understanding light. Magne’s death has shaken up the League, and they find again their balance with new, stronger bonds, sealed by Shigaraki’s affirmation that they’re acting for their own sake. With Twice pouring out his feelings they’re able to build trust, work in tandem, emerge victorious. He was (and will keep being) useful, pity he doesn’t notice it.

Several and too many chapters later: My Villain Academia Arc. Twice’s humanity is confirmed yet again when he throws himself into the fray, first to save Giran, then Toga and then all his companions. In murmuring that the Legue is his home, another piece falls into place and it’s here, among other things, where we connect the most with him and his past: who has never lived a moment of loss and solitude, where the mistakes add up to one another to the point that one day you look in the mirror without knowing who you are, aware only of the ugly parts, thinking that maybe that’s why the pain doesn’t go away. You probably deserve all of it. 

Twice’s path is cathartic in regards to rejecting this view of himself because, partly by chance and partly by voluntary action, he began to recover when he built certainties in his life, realizing that it’s worth struggling for a connection with people and how much dear that becomes to you, how terrible the idea of ​​losing it (losing them) can be. The plot rewards him for his struggles.

«The important thing is to know who you are, what you want to become» isn’t it poetically perfect that when Twice decides not to run away from himself, he finally realizes that he is the original? The ground has stabilized under his feet because now he knows what his mission is, therefore the “real” Jin Bubaigawara can go back to being whole—or at least united enough to pursue the goal of protecting his home with all his power. Which is pretty fucking powerful.

Many have said that Twice is the heart of the League of Villains and I agree, he is a summary of the “good” (even if distorted) feelings that led every single member into joining the group. Misery does love company, the excluded sought each other because when one is alone reality is too scary to face. 

But a villain, however emotional, must have his tools to defend himself or his strenght will become his weakness. That’s why Twice is both the strongest and the most vulnerable and is twice (hah!) punished for this condition; the second is fatal. Despite this his narrative arc ends with a reaffirmation and reinforcement of everything he is and represents: he sees himself in Hawks and thinks he can help him (empathy), then he is betrayed and mourns and fights for his companions (self-sacrifice), he regrets his mistakes, he is ready to die (kindness). And he dies many times: protecting his home, full of anger and sadness, exposing the hypocrisy of people who are many things but perhaps not heroes—which is good, as Twice shows again and again, the world is not black and white, heroes and villains intertwine and maybe they do become “just human”. He dies without doubting himself nor his feelings, he dies in an attempt to reach his loved ones and he also dies reaching them. His last death happens in the arms of the girl who first showed him kindness, from whom he was sure he would have never received any comfort ever again. So he dies realizing that he was wrong, despite Jin Bubaigawara being the “Sad Man”, Twice is full of energy and affection to give, and these feelings are repaid by the very individuals who shouldn’t be able to do anything but inflict terror and fear. Again, that’s still because the world is not black and white and “Twice” and “Jin” are no different, one in the same.

Twice rejects Hawks’s words about his unfortunate condition. In doing so he rejects the words of himself to himself in chapter 229 «[you went wrong] when you were born without luck» and this stance can be connected to what Toga said against Curios «I’m not unfortunate at all!» (ch. 226) and Shigaraki’s response when he remembered his childhood «That was no tragedy.» (ch.237): all of them reject the inherent misfortune of their past to embrace who they are in the present, they abandon the self-pity. Therein lies the message that the choices they made are theirs alone and that no one should have the right to judge them with pity. These are all positive teachings that we are used to get from the good guys’ side, now that they’re seen through the villains everything becomes grayer and, in my opinion, more interesting.

And so, yet again, everything seems to be screaming that his death is not a tragedy because while he was looking for himself, he found a place to belong and learned to be happy with it. I like to think he also teached the League a thing or two but we’ll have to see, this is a point of no return for them; maybe it’s the start of their downfall, maybe they will change in something stronger, but Twice will keep having an impact on how things are.

I think he absolved his role.

This world doesn’t grant a just end to the outcasts, yet perhaps there is no need, if in the journey you can carve out a small space of happiness together with those who accepted you, with the good, the ugly and the incomprehensible parts all together.

I respect this, because I think there is nothing more important in the world. 

#jin bubaigawara #twice #league of villains #bnha 266 #spoilers #I've been mourning for four days this is what came out of it #thank you for reading #bnha #bnha meta #aywritings

[wolfie-posts]

Kiss and Run Ch.2

Bakugou Katsuki x Female!Reader

Read Chapter 1 here

Author: @wolfie-posts

Warning: language

Chapter length: 7,920 words

Story Summary:

You did it! You were given the opportunity to study at U.A. alongside class 1A to become a pro-hero. Within the next three years, you were gonna learn more about yourself and your special quirk, about friendship, about fighting, winning and losing. The road to your goal is bumpy and steep with a lot of obstacles like villains and an explosive blond boy, who decided to make your life a little harder. Will you finally be able to control your quirk? Will you overcome the problems together with your classmates along the way?

A/N: Hello lovelies, I hope you enjoy the new chapter, it’s way longer than the first one and I hope to keep the chapter-length up like that. Also a special thanks to @plus-ultra-me for helping me, without you this wouldn’t have been possible!

AO3

Quotev

Wattpad

________________________________________

"This is it" you muttered looking down at the letter from U.A. You were holding the letter very carefully in your hands as if it would break if you held it too tight. You weren’t the only one looking anxiously at the letter, your parents were nervous wrecks with identical tense grimaces plastered over their faces, not able to peel their eyes off the letter in front of them.

"What are you waiting for? Open it!" they spoke at the same time, simultaneously breaking the silence. Their voices were a little bit louder than normal and you could clearly hear the excitement and worry in them.

"If you ehm.. don't mind, I would.. rather open it in private," you exclaimed quietly, gulping down the lump in your throat. You couldn't bring yourself to meet your parent's eyes while saying that, knowing they shared the thrill of anticipation with you.

The importance of this letter made your chest heavy and clouded your head, sending your thoughts running wild.

'What if I didn't make it?

How will I be able to control my power then?

What if.. what if I’m too weak...

What if all my effort was for  nothing?'

Frozen into place, the color drained from your parents’ faces when you told them you wanted to be left alone. A pale and empathic look now replacing the grimaces.

"O-Of course sweetie! I’m sorry.. w-we got kinda carried away there." your mother said with a soft and kind voice, giving you a reassuring smile.

"Take your time kiddo. You can tell us when you are ready. Just know that we love you and we are really proud of you, no matter what that letter says!" your dad added and patted your head affectionately.

Entering your room, you closed the door quietly behind you and took a seat at your desk, the letter still in hand. 

For about five minutes you just stared at it, anticipation and fear gnawing at your insides. You were scared, even though you had a good feeling about how the entrance exam went. Not knowing what the letter said just seemed a lot better at the moment because right now it could be a yes or no, the second you open the letter your future would be decided. With shaking hands, you were mentally preparing for the worst-case scenario.

"Here goes nothing" you whispered, ripping open the letter and revealing a small technical device that dropped onto your desk and lit up the whole room.

"Hello Y/N L/N, I am here as a projection. I came back to town to teach at U.A. So now I have the honor of telling you that you passed the written and practical exam to get into U.A. You got 40 villain points but it wasn't only graded on those. How can a hero course not include the fact that some people saved others and risked their lives to do the right thing? That is why you also gained rescue points." All Might explained to you with his signature smile.

Jaw drop.

The projection showed the examination results of all the contestants that made it into U.A. You couldn't believe your eyes when you saw your name at the ranking list. You were actually shared first place with somebody else, having both gained 77 points in total.

"Congratulations on making it into U.A. I can't wait to teach you!"  Just like that, the projection ended with All Might giving you a brilliant and shining smile with a thumbs up.

"W-Wait... WHAT?!" you stuttered while yelling, not believing what had just happened. Tears started to well up in the corner of your eyes.

"I-I did it.." you mumbled, realization slowly kicking in.

"HOLY SHIT! MOM, DAD, I DID IT! I GOT IN!" you yelled, a wave of emotions crashing over you.

It didn't even take three seconds before your parents kicked in the door and tackled you with a hug. You knew they were impatiently waiting in front of your door but who could blame them. Having them nearly suffocate you with their love just made this situation all the more real. You didn't know if you were laughing or crying anymore. A muffled sound from above made you look up to see their faces.

After that amazing news they just couldn't hold back anymore, happy tears were streaming down their faces. For strangers, this surely would have been a rare and weird sight, three people hugging each other while bawling their eyes out but even so, you wouldn't have it any other way.

'I will finally be able to be a hero and learn how to make good use of my powers!'

----First day at U.A.----

You were late. Not only late but like really fucking late for your first day at U.A. 'How could this happen?!' you thought while running down the sidewalk.

"Ugh, why did this have to happen to me on such an important day?!" you whined, underneath your breath, picking up your speed when the school entrance came into sight.

Your eyes were all over the place searching for room 1-A when you finally arrived at your new school.

"Found it!" Without hesitation, you slammed open the door and rushed in. There was no time for worrying about having everybody's eyes on you the moment you set foot into the classroom. Your breathing was heavy, cheeks pink from sprinting all this way to school. Small drops of sweat were forming on your forehead.

"SORRY I AM LATE THERE WAS A STRAY CAT AND A HOMELESS GUY TRIED TO TAKE-" you bowed deeply but before you could even finish your rambling, you could hear a chair squeak followed by a terrifying voice.

"YOU!" a familiar blond boy yelled, although it was more like a terrifying roar, making you tense up immediately.

'Oh fuck' was all you could think, stammering out a trembling and intimidated "Me", knowing damn well you were screwed.

"I AM GOING TO KILL Y-"

"Sit down Bakugou, class has already started." the teacher interrupted the boy nonchalantly, who was about to blow up the whole classroom.

Bakugou obediently sat back down but not without glowering at you. You never would have thought that he was the kind of guy to listen to what the teacher had to say. His crimson eyes shone with murderous intent and send a shiver down your spine. Mumbling something inaudible, the teacher's attention turned back to you and he gave you an unimpressed look.

"You must be Y/N L/N then. It's fine just sit down," he said with a blank stare.

"Yes Sir," you said, bowing apologetically once more but when you stood up straight again your head was hanging a little lower.

'What a great start' you thought sarcastically to yourself and went to sit down at the only unoccupied seat, clutching your bag protectively to your chest.

"Time is precious, rational students would understand that. Anyways, I am Shota Aizawa your homeroom teacher. Let's get right to it, we have wasted enough time already." he said pulling something out of his sleeping bag.

'Why the hell does he have a sleeping bag with him? I mean he does kinda look worn out but he is a pro-hero, right? I probably shouldn't judge a book by its cover'

Your train of thought got interrupted by the thing Aizawa pulled out from his yellow bag.

"Put these on and head outside," he said with a kind of fed up and bored voice. In his hand was a typical U.A. sports uniform in blue with red and white detailing, you had seen those before on television at the annual sports tournament.

After changing, you and your classmates all meet outside on the training ground.

"Everyone here? Great, let's get started with the quirk assessment test." Aizawa announced, leaving you all in shock.

"What? A quirk assessment test?" you all blurt out in sync. The first one to really speak up was a cute girl with brown hair and pink cheeks.

"But orientation! We're gonna miss it." she said with a sad undertone to her voice, expressing what you all felt and thought.

"If you want to make it in the big leagues you can't waste time on pointless ceremonies." your teacher silenced the girl and anyone else who thought about speaking up.

You all gasped, taken aback from the harsh but true words your homeroom teacher was saying.

"Here at U.A., we are not tethered to traditions. That means that I get to run my class however I see fit. You have been taking standardized tests for most of your life but you never got to use your quirks in physical exams before. The country is still trying to pretend we are all created equal by not letting those with the most power excel. It’s not rational. One day the Ministry of Education will learn. Bakugou, you and a... classmate... managed to get the most points on the entrance exam. Please step forward." A familiar ash blond boy stepped to the front, fists, and jaw clenched with a dark vibe spreading around him as he waited for the teacher to move on.

"In junior high, what was your best result for the softball throw?" Aizawa asked looking straight at him.

"67 meters I think," Bakugou replied, his eyes still fierce and brows knitted.

"Right, try doing it with your quirk. Anything goes, just stay in the circle. Go on." Aizawa said impatiently.

"Alright man, you asked for it!" Bakugou said cockily while stretching his throw-arm. He picked up one of the balls that were laying to the side. As he took in his stance, you could see the determination in his crimson eyes, which sent a weird jolt through your body.

The moment Bakugou let go of the ball a terrifying "DIE" escaped his lips, sending the ball flying off with an explosion, where the eye couldn't follow anymore.

"D-Did he just yell 'die'?" you stuttered looking at the green-haired boy next to you, who looked as frightened as you did.

"I-I think so,” he said with a pale face.

'Oh god... what have I gotten myself into?' you thought, facepalming yourself internally.

"All of you need to know your maximum capabilities. It's the most rational way of figuring out your potential as a pro-hero." your teacher said, holding up a device that measured the distance from the throw.

You gulped down hard when you saw the numbers on the screen. 'Fucking 705.2 meters' A boy behind you was just as impressed as you, although probably everybody was impressed by that quirk.

"Wow, 705.2 meters? Are you kidding me?" the guy said, disturbed but still fascinated.

Everybody started to get hyped up. You could hear them excitedly talk about how they were gonna kill it in the test but you weren't so happy. Sure your physical abilities were outstanding, better than average kids but how were you gonna keep up with quirks like firecrackers over there?

"So this looks fun, huh?" Aizawa broke up the happy chattering. "You have three years here to become a hero. Do you think it's all gonna be games and playtime? Idiots. Today you will compete in 8 physical tests to see how much potential you have. Whoever comes in last has none and will be expelled immediately."

Nearly everyone's jaw dropped. All around you, you could see the shock and worry written over their faces. Scanning the crowd you caught a glimpse of the guy Bakugou and your stomach dropped, even more, seeing him grinning evilly.

"I should have figured you would like this" you mumbled to yourself, rolling your eyes and clenching your jaw, feeling your palms getting sweaty. Why were you even scared? You had great chances of doing well on this test. You maybe wouldn't come out on top again like in the entrance exam but you surely wouldn't get cut.

"As I said, I get to decide how this class runs, understand? If that's a problem you can head home right now." This sure was a weird way of pep-talking you into doing your best. Pink-cheeks was the first one to speak up again. 'Damn this girl has balls' you thought, while mentally making a note to befriend her. It wouldn't be bad to have someone like her on your good side.

"You can't send one of us home. I mean, we just got here. Even if it wasn't our first day, it still wouldn’t be fair! " Pink-cheeks was just again stating what you were all feeling but you realized it was useless. Aizawa just said that he makes the rules so you weren't gonna give him a reason to kick you out right on the sport for speaking up. You glanced over to Pink-cheeks who was pouting and puffing her cheeks in frustration.

'Being so adorable is gonna be her downfall. Honestly, if she didn’t look so innocent, I'd probably be scared of her' you thought, staring at the short girl. Aizawa's voice snapped you out of your thoughts as he started to speak again.

"Oh, and you think natural disasters are? Or power-hungry villains hmm? Or catastrophic accidents that wipe out whole cities? No! The world is full of unfairness. It's a hero's job to try to reduce that unfairness. If you wanna be a pro you have to push yourself to the brink. For the next three years, U.A. will throw one terrible hardship after another at you. So go beyond, plus ultra style! Show me it's no mistake that you are here!" That intimidation and scary pep-talk created a change in atmosphere. Everybody was getting hyped again and their faces had a look of determination on them as if they were ready to take on the world.

"Now then, we are just wasting time by talking. Let the games begin."

The first test was a 50-meter dash. Engine-calves and frog-girl had the honor of starting you off into the test. It was the first time seeing everybody's quirk in action. There wasn't much time for you to notice them during the entrance exam, so this was actually pretty interesting for you. You saw the next group getting ready for the dash and recognized the adorable pink-cheeked girl. Eyeing her closely you could see her touch her clothes while getting ready to run. She finished at 7.15 seconds, which was pretty good. You wanted to tell her that yet your words got caught in your throat, and a small voice inside your head reminded you that this was a competition.

They all had amazing test results but one obviously stood out: Bakugou straight-up fired himself over the finish line within 4.13 seconds.

"Damn, guess those explosions really work for him" you laughed to yourself, getting the attention of the girl next to you.

"Somebody has already an eye on someone, I see," she giggled. "It seems like we’re up next, the name is Mina Ashido." the pink alien girl said with a bright smile holding out her hand.

You gladly took it and returned the smile. "Don't mistake my disliking for a crush." you laughed, "Blasty and I became sworn enemies before I even knew his name but nevertheless, nice to meet you too. My name is Y/N L/N but you can just call me by my first name." the pink girl had such a bubbly personality, it brought up your mood right away, replacing your frown with a bright smile.

"Haha, I know who you are. It's hard not to since you were like totally late today and got the highest score on the entrance exam. Just don't get too confident, I am still gonna kick your ass." she winked and got ready at the start line.

"You better keep your word then," you said with a grin getting down into position. The robot on the finish line started to countdown and as the start signal rang through your ears you started off into a mad dash but only after three seconds you could see Ashido skating ahead of you in the corner of your eyes. She crossed the finish line at 5.35 and you followed close by 6.61.

"Told you I'd beat ya" she smiled confidently and struck a pose, you couldn't help but laugh at that sight, that girl just made you drop your guard without even trying. "Atta girl" you high fived her and went to the others who had already finished the first test.

"I really thought you would be more arrogant and bitchy. I totally misjudged you. I’m sorry." Ashido said while standing next to you, scratching the back of her head.

"Well, I just got lucky on the entrance exam. My quirk isn't that—" but you cut yourself off, not wanting to reveal too much about your quirk. "I mean, my dad can manipulate anything that has a technical circuit so you know, I manage." you smiled awkwardly back at her.

"You didn't have to justify it but I appreciate it. Let's just hope we both get through today because you and I are gonna be besties from now on!" she giggled and threw her arm around your shoulder.

The next test was grip strength and due to your enhanced physical abilities, you did pretty good in comparison to the kids who didn't have a mutation or physical enhancement as an advantage. One guy even got 540 kilograms which send your thoughts running off again, imagining being crushed in a six-armed hug by that guy. Although maybe that actually made his hugging skills superb.

Test number three was the standing long jump, which was a little harder with no special quirk. You were talking with Ashido and some of your other classmates waiting for your turn when Bakugou rammed his shoulder into you, causing you to lose your balance and land on your ass. "What the—" Before you could even finish your surprised and pained shriek, a growl cut you off.

"YOU’RE IN MY WAY, SHITFACE!" your mouth was ajar, you couldn’t get to terms with how rude that guy was.

"You know, you could’ve just gone the other way..." you quietly mumbled back at him, brushing the dirt from your sports uniform. Bakugou simply didn't care about what you had to say but he surely didn't expect you to go all quiet on him, which made him even more furious. He walked off, infuriated by your presence alone not giving you a second glance.

"What an ass!" you heard the group in unison say but you waved them off. There was no need for them to get involved even though you appreciated regardless..

"It's fine guys, I can handle him. I mean it's my fault, to begin with," you said, mumbling the last part a bit. You scratched the back of your head trying to hide your discomfort about this situation. 

"I kinda got in his way during the entrance exam and well, I guess he blames me for not getting more points. I just really wish we could leave that behind us it's kinda exhausting and it's only been a day. Maybe I should just apologize..." a laugh escaped your mouth, it sounded weird but you just wanted to cover up the sadness you were feeling. You really didn't want to be anyone's enemy. You never intended to do anything bad. Trying to push away the sickening feeling in your stomach, you gave the others a forced smile.

There wasn't really any time for the others to question you about it because you were the next one up. Training your legs has always been one of your favorite things to do, so when you pushed off the ground with all your strength, you actually got a pretty acceptable result, nothing compared to Laser-Belly-Button or Bakugou who once more catapulted themselves to the other side with their quirks but still, you were pleased with your score.

You quickly got out of the way for the next person, it was a guy with red spikey hair. He was kinda cute so you figured you could stay to watch his jump along the sidelines. Up until now, you haven't really paid much attention to the red-haired boy but that was about to change.

His jump was great. 'He clearly trains a lot' you observed but you also noticed that he didn't use his quirk just like you. His score came pretty close to yours too and as his ass landed into the sand, you decided to start a conversation with him. After the robot announced his score and Aizawa made notes of it, you walked up to the boy in the sand and held out your hand.

"Not using your quirk either I see. By the way, I like your hair", you smiled at him. He looked a bit dumbfounded for a second staring up at your hand. He gathered himself quickly, giving you a big smile in return as he let you pull him up.

"Haha, thanks," he said attempting to hide his light blush by dusting off his pants. "Yeah my quirk doesn't really help me when it comes to most of the exercises," he explained while walking to the sidelines with you.

"Oh, by the way, I am Kirishima Eijiro." Today just wasn't your day, you were about to answer Kirishima, but someone just had to bump into you again, sending you tumbling forward and hitting a way too hard chest in front of you, before your ass hit the ground a second time today.

"Oopsie, that's on me I misjudged my speed a bit there." you could hear the familiar giggle from Ahido behind you. She was so excited to see you talk to one of her best friends Kirishima, that she just had to jump into the conversation. No way in hell was she gonna let this opportunity slip to lay the groundwork for a squad.

As you were laying on the ground a hand suddenly came into your vision. It was Kirishima who was holding his hand out towards you with a guilty smile plastered on his face.

"Sorry, I kinda used my quirk on accident. Hope I didn't hurt ya" you could feel the heat rising in your cheeks, taking Kirishima's rough hand for support, you hid your face behind some strands of hair.

"Well, I have to say your muscles are rock solid, it was like hitting a wall, that actually hurt a little." you laughed, trying to hide your embarrassment.

"So.." the pink girl interrupted the two of you throwing an arm over Kirishima's and your shoulder. "Y/N, this is Kirishima, Kirishima this is Y/N," Ashido said with a big stupid grin on her face, pushing herself off of your shoulders and jumping in front of you. She turned around to the two of you again, her eyes glowing with excitement, while she leaned forward and clapped in her hands. "Now that you have met, we can totally start hanging out together! I mean assuming that we all pass this test." she rambled on while jumping around like a hyperactive bouncy ball full of happiness.

"Ehmm sure?" you said but it sounded more like a question, scratching your head, you tried to understand what had just happened. Ashido's words and energy were a little bit overwhelming, so you didn't know how to react right away, but deep down you knew that this was the beginning of a great friendship.

"Looks like the two of you know each other pretty good already, huh?" you asked, looking between the two of them.

"Oh yeah, pinky and I are horn-buddies," Kirishima laughed taking Ashido's head underneath his arm in a headlock and ruffled her hair. She was squirming underneath Kirishima's grip trying to free herself but he wasn't even bothered by her attempts to escape, he just kept on messing up her hair. You couldn't hold back your laughter it was such an amusing scene to watch, Kirishima and Ashido soon after joined in with your contagious laugh.

"Damn right!" Ashido giggled "I know this one from middle school," she said while elbowing Kirishima into his side, making him lose his grip on her and giving her a chance to jump away to freedom.

"Anyways," Ashido smiled while fixing her hair "What were you two talking about?" she asked curiously.

"Oh yeah! I was about to explain my quirk to Y/N," Kirishima said facing you. "So.. my quirk is hardening, I can literally turn myself rock-solid" he grinned and stuck his tongue out teasingly, using your words to describe his quirk.

"Just show her already!" Ashido said with an overdramatic annoyed expression while making some big hand gestures. She got a bit carried away in the act and accidentally letting loose some of her acids. A sudden gasp from behind her, made her abruptly stop waving her arms around. The gasp came from a boy who just barely dodged her acid as he was walking over to your group. 

"Hey, watch the acid!" he laughed at the hyperactive alien girl. "Sorry about that," she said shyly, holding her hands behind her back as a precaution.

"What's going on over here?" the boy asked looking at you and Kirishima in confusion.

"Hey Kaminari, I was about to show Y/N here my quirk," Kirishima said with a proud grin flexing his biceps.

"You are such a show-off, Kirishima," the guy who apparently was called Kaminari said while playfully shoving his elbow into Spiky-hair’s side.

Kirishima just shrugged his shoulders in response and grinned. He looked back at you and took in his own special kiai stance, smashing his fists together in a satisfying thud. As his fists collided, his skin instantly changed, it looked like the surface and texture of actual rocks and it wasn't just his arms, the rock-like texture spread out over his whole body, even his hair turned solid and sharp.

"Damn Kirishima, your quirk is amazing! You will make such a good hero with that quirk.. Damn, I wish I had a quirk like that. No wonder it hurt when I hit your chest, you must be super strong! Do you train a lot? Pff obviously, look at those arms! Wait, can you like... cut through stuff with your hands like that? OHH.. can you smash a wall?? Oh my god, that would be so crazy! Can I touch it?"

You rambled in admiration and curiosity, gaining the weird and bewildered looks of the three in front of you. You didn't quite realize what you had just babbled but it made Ashido and Kaminari break into a fit of laughter, the confused look you gave them just made it worse. They were laughing even louder, tears in their eyes and faces bright red from the lack of oxygen. It was the moment your eyes meet Kirishima's and he rapidly looked away, that you realized what you had said. You covered your mouth in shock, feeling the heat rush into your face, even your ears were heating up from the embarrassment. Kirishima was looking away desperately trying to hide the rose color in his cheeks but you could still see it, which made the situation even more embarrassing.

"I-I didn't mean it like t-that!" you stammered out, wishing the ground would swallow you whole right then and there.

"Yeees Kirishima! Let her touch it!" Kaminari snorted, he and Ashido were now on the ground, rolling around in laughter. 

"Jeeez, I didn't know you were that bold" Ashido said. It was like pouring gasoline into the fire. You felt awkward hiding your face behind your fingers but the embarrassment was just too much. It felt like your face was on fire and an itchy feeling spread out through your legs, making you want to run away.

"What’s happening over here?" you heard an unknown voice from behind you. 'Oh god... noo! Please don't!' you thought suddenly wishing you had invisible girl's quirk, so you could disappear.

"Hahahaha, Sero you won't believe what Y/N just said!" Kaminari snorted facing the guy who was now standing next to you.

"She asked Kirishima if she could-" but he got interrupted by your panicked scream "AHH!" and before you even knew it, you were on the ground with Ashido and Kaminari, holding a hand in front of his mouth to shut him up.

"Lets just all.. forget about this okay?" you asked in a stressed-out voice, giving Ashido and Kaminari your most terrifying death glare ever. They both nodded their heads in agreement, making you sigh in relief.

"Great!" you said in a happy voice, trying to overplay the death of embarrassment you nearly had one minute ago.

"We should probably head to the next exercise. Don't you think? Yeah! I thought so. Kaminari, Ashido lets go!" Holding onto their arms, you started to speed-walk to the next test, where some of the others were already waiting, dragging the two with you so they couldn't embarrass you even further in front of Kirishima and that new guy.

Stifled laughter made your head snap back to the two figures you were dragging along, their faces weren't as red as before but you could still see their devious grins and watery eyes from laughing too hard. This made you even more irritated, you were gritting your teeth, forcing the blush, which was creeping up your face again, away. 

"I swear if you tell anyone about this, you won't live to see another day!" you growled at them, getting them to defensively raise their hands in return while yelling "Yes, ma'am!"

The next and fourth test was repeated side steps, which was the best exercise for the purple-ball-hair child. It was kinda impressive to watch him bounce against his hair? It was just your gut, but you had something against that child. You haven't even talked to him but your stomach was already telling you that you shouldn't even try to talk to him at all. Everybody was chatting and having fun using their quirks, you observed all but one person, no actually two people stood out. The green-haired guy who you had already exchanged a sentence or two with and Bakugou. Both of them were standing a little bit on the outside not engaging with the other classmates with the only difference between the two of them being, that Bakugou had a pissed facial expression and the green-haired boy looked like he just pissed himself. Seriously though, that kid looked like he was about to pass out, his face was all scrunched up and tense and he was trembling with a look of plain terror in his eyes.

'I really don't wanna know what that kid is thinking right now, his face is giving me nightmares already!' you thought shaking your head and walking over to Ashido, Kirishima, Kaminari and some other classmates you didn't know yet.

The softball throw was test number five and you were watching alongside all your classmates how everyone was doing. It wasn't really that interesting because most of the quirks weren't as explosive as Bakugou's, for example. It started to get interesting when the name "Uraraka" got called by Aizawa, making you elbow Ashido next to you. "Do you know her?" you asked mesmerized by the fearless, adorable girl from the beginning.

"Noo, not really," you heard Ashido next to you think out loud.

"Her name is Ochako Uraraka," the boy next to you said, it was the green-haired guy from before. "WOW, where did you come from?" you asked taken aback from his sudden appearance.

"S-Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you..uhh-" he began, noticing your flinch but you didn't give him the time to think your reaction over, you just smiled at him tilting your head a bit "My name is Y/N!"

The boy returned your smile shyly while scratching the back of his head "Oh, I knew that already but I thought it would be rude to call you by your name because we actually haven't introduced ourselves yet and-" but you cut him off, to stop him from starting an audible inner monologue, scared you would see his scared and terrified look from before again. 

You were waving your hands in front of you while shaking your head with a confused smile "Hey, it's fine just... tell me your name," you said snapping the boy back into your conversation.

"Oh right, sorry... my name is Midoriya Izuku," he answered shyly and you could see a very light shade of pink slowly covering his cheeks.

"So, do you know Uraraka? Or do you like... keep tabs on everybody in a notebook or something?" you joked, but your smile fell when you saw his face become bright red with an alarming look in his eyes.

"Oh god... you do?!" every part of you went on pause while your thoughts caught up to you, your mouth hung with lips slightly parted and your eyes were as wide as they could stretch. You slowly turned away from Midoriya, facing the exercise that was going on in front of you once more.

'Don't overthink this! Don't do it!' you scolded yourself but it didn't help.

'I have to stay away from that kid.. does he already know about my quirk? Did he like snoop through all of our U.A. files? He looks so innocent, there is no way in hell he could have gotten that information. I better keep my distance... I don't want him to catch up on my quirk and how I activate it.' an elbow to your ribs, snapped you out of your thoughts.

"Dude, what's with that look on your face?" Ashido asked, quirking an eyebrow and gaining your full attention at once.

"Uhhhh... I was just lost in thought..." you said, that answer didn't really satisfy Ashido. She shrugged and pointed forward "Your girl-crush is about to throw, better snap out of it," she chuckled, getting the exact reaction she wanted from you.

"W-What?!? Hold your fucking horses, I never said she was my girl-crush!" you said defensively, trying to stay calm but you could already feel your ears starting to heat up again.

"Calm down!" Ashido laughed, "I was just teasing." and without another word, you looked back towards Uraraka.

Pink-cheeks threw the ball and it rose up to the sky with a constant speed, there wasn't even a waver in the motion of the ball, it rose higher and higher without any signs of stopping soon. Your gaze fell towards Aizawa, who was staring down at the device, he turned towards the group of you and you could see the infinity symbol on the screen.

"Infinity?" everybody asked in unison, some in shock, others in admiration and the green-haired boy again totally terrified.

You heard Kaminari mutter a "That's insane! How is that possible?" Your classmates mumbling quieted down when Aizawa called Midoriya's name.

"Dude, he looks like he's about to shit his pants" the pink girl chuckled next to you, making you feel kinda bad for the boy but he really did look like he had a bad stomach ache.

"That kid has had this look on his face since Aizawa told us about the test. I’m guessing he thinks he is gonna get cut," you said, crossing your arms in front of you. "Why the hell is he so damn terrified? I mean he got past the entrance exam. Unless his quirk is useless for all of those exercises..." you thought out loud, getting the attention of Engine-calves who was standing in hearing distance from you.

"If Midoriya doesn't shape up soon, he will be the one going home," the boy with glasses said with a serious expression.

"HUUH? Of course, he is, he’s a quirkless loser!" Bakugou interrupted the guy in annoyance, but glasses-guy wasn't having his bullshit.

"He has a quirk! Did you not hear about what he did in the entrance exam?" Engine-calves asked confused, giving Bakugou a judging look like a nerd looking at someone who didn't do their homework.

You were all staring at Midoriya as he was about to throw when you suddenly noticed Aizawa's scarf and hair going all crazy. "What the fuck..." you mumbled as the ball from Midoriya's hand landed 46 meters in front of him.

"I erased your quirk" Aizawa spoke in a dangerous and dark tone and when you got a glimpse of his profile, glowing red eyes were replacing his tired black ones. "The judges for the entrance exam were not rational enough. Someone like you should’ve never been allowed to enroll at this school." he continued while staring down at the boy. 'Ouch,' you thought to yourself 'poor kid'.

"Wait you did what to my..." Midoriya started but he cut himself off with an unmanly gasp "Those goggles! I know you! You can look at someone and cancel out their powers... the eraser hero 'Eraserhead'!" the green-haired boy yelled out of surprise.

'Damn, that kid really keeps tabs on all of us... what a stalker!'

Everybody around you started to discuss this newfound information. 

"Eraserhead? Who is that?" you heard most of them ask, some of them even said they had heard of him before but that wasn't really the thing on your mind right now. As much as it scared and pained you, you turned towards Bakugou.

"Ey Bakug-" you tried to get his attention, which worked pretty well because he fired an insult right back at you before you could even finish saying his name.

"Who the fuck told you that you could just talk to me, shitface?" he growled at you, crimson eyes glaring into your soul but you weren't having his bullshit either. You had a question and you needed an answer for the sake of your mind's peace. But first, you had to bite down on your lip to force down the anger that was boiling up inside you.

"You said Midoriya is quirkless? How come Eraserhead is canceling out his quirk then?" you asked curiously because you knew for a fact that Bakugou was everything but a liar. He also wasn't stupid enough to throw accusations around without reason, ignoring the fact that he throws out insulting nicknames.

"We went to the same fucking middle school and he didn't have a quirk back then!" he hissed looking back at the green-haired boy who was wrapped in Aizawa's scarf. 

‘Probably getting probably a scary pep talk’ you figured, remembering the speeches the teacher gave you guys at the beginning of testing. You watched how he let go of the boy and the crazy hair and scarf of your teacher returned to normal, eyes going back to black. He was walking away from Midoriya and you could hear Engine-calves speak up again. 

"I wonder if our teacher gave him some advice..." he mumbled while rubbing his chin, he sounded a bit worried although you didn't know if it was on behalf of Midoriya or out of selfish reasons.

"Probably told him to start packing!" Bakugou interrupted the boy clearly pissed at this whole situation or maybe because you had talked to him minutes ago.

With a sudden newfound determination, you watched how Midoriya threw, more like catapulted the ball straight into the sky with such power it reminded you of Bakugou's explosive throw. Everybody gasped in shock, not expecting this at all. While everyone was looking at Midoriya, your eyes automatically fell upon Bakugou, you couldn't help it. 

He was frozen into place, crimson eyes wide open with his jaw on the ground, you could even see a vein popping in his temple. You could feel the air around you getting slightly hotter and a whiff of caramel reached your nose. "Oh no..." you mumbled, knowing exactly what was about to happen. The ash-blond boy set off into a mad dash, screaming in rage: "HEY DEKU, YOU BASTARD, TELL ME HOW YOU DID THAT OR YOU’RE DEAD!" You were sure that if Midoriya hadn't shit his pants before this point, he definitely had now. Everything happened pretty fast which was kinda refreshing, Aizawa had Bakugou pinned into place by his scarf, meters away from a trembling Midoriya.

"What? Why the hell is your damn scarf so strong?" Bakugou struggled, turning his head slightly to give Aizawa his signature death glare.

"Because it's a capture-weapon made out of carbon fiber and a special metal alloy. Stand down. It would be wise to avoid making me use my quirk so much. It gives me serious dry eye." your teacher said in an annoyed tone, making your class yell in sync: "Too bad... that power is amazing!"

'Like seriously? Is this some sort of choir or does everybody happen to know how to use telekinesis?' you rolled your eyes at the comment from your classmates.

"You’re wasting my time now. Whoever is next can step up." your homeroom teacher scoffed while retreating his scarf and walking off.

"Is your finger okay?" the adorable Pink-cheeks girl asked Midoriya worried, which made your eyes shift to his hand. His finger was purple, bruised and totally crooked, you could even see the misplacement of the bones although it wasn't even an open fracture. 

"Sure, I’m fine!" the boy said giving Uraraka a forced smile but you could clearly see him wince in pain when he moved his hand. Your brain was going into overdrive again, not able to comprehend what was happening. How can this 'quirkless boy' out of nowhere have a quirk which apparently isn't even accustomed to his body?

Bakugou, who was still standing in the same spot was trembling in anger, his thoughts were colored in red, the fury inside of him was making him numb to the pain he was conflicting to himself by clenching his fists so tightly that his knuckles were white and his nails dug into his skin.

A frown was plastered on your face as you watched the ash-blond boy intensely. He was like a fixed point in your brain because your eyes were constantly drawn to him and you couldn't do anything about it. You should’ve been glad that he had Midoriya to hate, bully and harass now but seeing Bakugou in that state made you kinda sad.

'Get it together!' you thought to yourself, shaking your head aggressively to force those thoughts out of your head. Why do you even care about how Bakugou might be feeling right now? Why did you want to know the reason for his never stopping anger so badly?

You had to clear your head and what could be a better way to do that than doing some sit-ups? Without hesitation, you pulled Mina and the rest with you to the sixth exercise, where you had to do sit-ups in pairs.

"Hey Kirishima, you wanna pair up with me for this exercise?" you asked the red-haired boy after Mina had already paired up with Kaminari, giving you a devilish wink while suggesting you should ask Kirishima.

"Yeah! Let's do this!" Kirishima cheered, pumping one of his fists into the air. 'That boy really loves his workouts' you chuckled to yourself.

You were able to do quite a lot of sit-ups, which was part of your daily training from a young age on after your mom decided to put good use to your enhanced abilities and making you learn mixed martial arts. Kirishima was also smashing it, he didn't even break a sweat when most of the people were already giving up. It was a really amusing workout for you, having Kirishima hype you up and cheer you on, providing you with a mental boost, making you obviously return the favor, which turned into you yelling at him to "Man up!" and "Keep going if you want to be a hero!".

The seated toe-touch was the seventh and easiest exercise. You could easily put your head onto your knees and reach for your toes, which gained curious glances from some of the boys. You thought you even heard the weird purple child say something along the lines of "flexible chicks are the best!" but you decided that your subconscious made you imagine that thirsty comment just so you wouldn't have to deal with the pervert.

The last exercise of the day was the long-distance run, which you absolutely hated. Cardio is fine but you had more fun training with weights. You are a good runner but the fact that you weren’t allowed to listen to any music was straight-up torture, so you decided to just get this over with as fast as possible. After crossing the finish line you didn't fall to the ground as most of the others did. Your blood was pumping rapidly through your veins and laying down sure sounded heavenly but you had to stretch your muscles and calm them down slowly to avoid injuring them, so you just started to walk around to cool down. You could feel your body dripping in sweat. "Ugh, disgusting" you mumbled pulling on your training uniform, which was sticking to you like a second skin.

After everybody had finished their run, you all gathered around your teacher. You could see the exhaustion in some of your classmate's faces, some of them looked really tense and scared and some of the others were smiling proudly, a few people had an unreadable expression plastered over their faces, which you just wrote off as an unimpressed look.

"Alright, time to give you your results. I have ranked you from best to worst. You should probably have a good idea of your standing already. I will just pull up the whole list, it’s not worth it going over each individual score." and with the press of a button, a ranking list appeared out of thin air. 

You noticed that Bakugou wasn't first place like he was in the entrance exam but you also didn’t hold up to your title. Still, you were pretty proud of ranking on place number 11, right after Pink-cheeks. You immediately looked for the name at the bottom of the score, for the one who had to go home and it hurt you to see that it was indeed Midoriya, one of the people you actually got to know a little.

"And I was lying. No one is going home." Aizawa offhandedly commented, making nearly everyone's eyes pop out of their sockets.

"That was just a rational deception to make sure you give your all during the tests," he added with a mischievous smile, gaining screams from the people he had fooled.

"I am surprised the rest of you didn't figure that out. I guess I probably should have said something" a girl mumbled thoughtfully, gaining the annoyed and pissed off stares of all the people who feared get cut today.

"That was pretty nerve-wracking huh?" the boy from before, Sero; you thought was his name, said to Kirishima.

"Naah, I am always down for a challenge!" Kirishima said confidently clenching his fist, he actually made it pretty high on the ranking, he was placed 8th on the list right before your friend Ashido who ranked 9th.

"That's it, we’re done for today. Pick up a syllabus in the classroom, read it over before tomorrow morning." Aizawa said, waving you off and ending your very first day at U.A.

<-- previous Chapter | next Chapter -->

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[glass-kilimanjaro]

Stephen Hawking

Stephen William Hawking CH CBE FRS FRSA (8 January 1942 – 14 March 2018) was an English theoretical physicist, cosmologist, and author who was director of research at the Centre for Theoretical Cosmology at the University of Cambridge at the time of his death.[18][19][8] He was the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge between 1979 and 2009.

Hawking was born in Oxford into a family of doctors. Hawking began his university education at University College, Oxford in October 1959 at the age of 17, where he received a first-class BA (Hons.) degree in physics. He began his graduate work at Trinity Hall, Cambridge in October 1962, where he obtained his PhD degree in applied mathematics and theoretical physics, specialising in general relativity and cosmology in March 1966. During this period—in 1963—Hawking was diagnosed with an early-onset slow-progressing form of motor neurone disease (also known as amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig's disease) that gradually paralysed him over the decades.[20][21] After the loss of his speech, he was able to communicate through a speech-generating device—initially through use of a handheld switch, and eventually by using a single cheek muscle.

Hawking's scientific works included a collaboration with Roger Penrose on gravitational singularity theorems in the framework of general relativity and the theoretical prediction that black holes emit radiation, often called Hawking radiation. Initially, Hawking radiation was controversial. By the late 1970s and following the publication of further research, the discovery was widely accepted as a significant breakthrough in theoretical physics. Hawking was the first to set out a theory of cosmology explained by a union of the general theory of relativity and quantum mechanics. He was a vigorous supporter of the many-worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics.[22][23]

Hawking achieved commercial success with several works of popular science in which he discussed his theories and cosmology in general. His book A Brief History of Time appeared on the Sunday Times bestseller list for a record-breaking 237 weeks. Hawking was a Fellow of the Royal Society, a lifetime member of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences, and a recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award in the United States. In 2002, Hawking was ranked number 25 in the BBC's poll of the 100 Greatest Britons. He died on 14 March 2018 at the age of 76, after living with motor neurone disease for more than 50 years.Hawking began his schooling at the Byron House School in Highgate, London. He later blamed its "progressive methods" for his failure to learn to read while at the school.[42][35] In St Albans, the eight-year-old Hawking attended St Albans High School for Girls for a few months. At that time, younger boys could attend one of the houses.[41][43]Hawking attended two independent (i.e. fee-paying) schools, first Radlett School[43] and from September 1952, St Albans School,[25][44] after passing the eleven-plus a year early.[45] The family placed a high value on education.[35] Hawking's father wanted his son to attend the well-regarded Westminster School, but the 13-year-old Hawking was ill on the day of the scholarship examination. His family could not afford the school fees without the financial aid of a scholarship, so Hawking remained at St Albans.[46][47] A positive consequence was that Hawking remained close to a group of friends with whom he enjoyed board games, the manufacture of fireworks, model aeroplanes and boats,[48] and long discussions about Christianity and extrasensory perception.[49] From 1958 on, with the help of the mathematics teacher Dikran Tahta, they built a computer from clock parts, an old telephone switchboard and other recycled components.[50][51]Although known at school as "Einstein", Hawking was not initially successful academically.[52] With time, he began to show considerable aptitude for scientific subjects and, inspired by Tahta, decided to read mathematics at university.[53][54][55] Hawking's father advised him to study medicine, concerned that there were few jobs for mathematics graduates.[56] He also wanted his son to attend University College, Oxford, his own alma mater. As it was not possible to read mathematics there at the time, Hawking decided to study physics and chemistry. Despite his headmaster's advice to wait until the next year, Hawking was awarded a scholarship after taking the examinations in March 1959.[57][58]Undergraduate yearsHawking began his university education at University College, Oxford,[25] in October 1959 at the age of 17.[59] For the first 18 months, he was bored and lonely – he found the academic work "ridiculously easy".[60][61] His physics tutor, Robert Berman, later said, "It was only necessary for him to know that something could be done, and he could do it without looking to see how other people did it."[4] A change occurred during his second and third year when, according to Berman, Hawking made more of an effort "to be one of the boys". He developed into a popular, lively and witty college member, interested in classical music and science fiction.[59] Part of the transformation resulted from his decision to join the college boat club, the University College Boat Club, where he coxed a rowing crew.[62][63] The rowing coach at the time noted that Hawking cultivated a daredevil image, steering his crew on risky courses that led to damaged boats.[62][64] Hawking estimated that he studied about 1,000 hours during his three years at Oxford. These unimpressive study habits made sitting his finals a challenge, and he decided to answer only theoretical physics questions rather than those requiring factual knowledge. A first-class honours degree was a condition of acceptance for his planned graduate study in cosmology at the University of Cambridge.[65][66] Anxious, he slept poorly the night before the examinations, and the final result was on the borderline between first- and second-class honours, making a viva (oral examination) with the Oxford examiners necessary.[66][67]Hawking was concerned that he was viewed as a lazy and difficult student. So, when asked at the viva to describe his plans, he said, "If you award me a First, I will go to Cambridge. If I receive a Second, I shall stay in Oxford, so I expect you will give me a First."[66][68] He was held in higher regard than he believed; as Berman commented, the examiners "were intelligent enough to realise they were talking to someone far cleverer than most of themselves".[66] After receiving a first-class BA (Hons.) degree in physics and completing a trip to Iran with a friend, he began his graduate work at Trinity Hall, Cambridge, in October 1962.[25][69][70]Graduate yearsHawking's first year as a doctoral student was difficult. He was initially disappointed to find that he had been assigned Dennis William Sciama, one of the founders of modern cosmology, as a supervisor rather than the noted astronomer Fred Hoyle,[71][72] and he found his training in mathematics inadequate for work in general relativity and cosmology.[73] After being diagnosed with motor neurone disease, Hawking fell into a depression – though his doctors advised that he continue with his studies, he felt there was little point.[74] His disease progressed slower than doctors had predicted. Although Hawking had difficulty walking unsupported, and his speech was almost unintelligible, an initial diagnosis that he had only two years to live proved unfounded. With Sciama's encouragement, he returned to his work.[75][76] Hawking started developing a reputation for brilliance and brashness when he publicly challenged the work of Fred Hoyle and his student Jayant Narlikar at a lecture in June 1964.[77][78]When Hawking began his graduate studies, there was much debate in the physics community about the prevailing theories of the creation of the universe: the Big Bang and Steady State theories.[79] Inspired by Roger Penrose's theorem of a spacetime singularity in the centre of black holes, Hawking applied the same thinking to the entire universe; and, during 1965, he wrote his thesis on this topic.[80][81] Hawking's thesis[82] was approved in 1966.[82] There were other positive developments: Hawking received a research fellowship at Gonville and Caius College at Cambridge;[83] he obtained his PhD degree in applied mathematics and theoretical physics, specialising in general relativity and cosmology, in March 1966;[84] and his essay "Singularities and the Geometry of Space-Time" shared top honours with one by Penrose to win that year's prestigious Adams Prize.[85][84]CareerPart of a series onPhysical cosmologyBig Bang · UniverseAge of the universeChronology of the universeEarly universe[show]Expansion · Future[show]Components · Structure[show]Experiments[show]Scientists[hide]AaronsonAlfvénAlpherBharadwajCopernicusde SitterDickeEddingtonEhlersEinsteinEllisFriedmannGalileoGamowGuthHubbleLemaîtreLindeMatherNewtonPenziasRubinSchmidtSchwarzschildSmootStarobinskySteinhardtSuntzeffSunyaevTolmanWilsonZeldovichSubject history[show] Category Astronomy portalvte1966–1975In his work, and in collaboration with Penrose, Hawking extended the singularity theorem concepts first explored in his doctoral thesis. This included not only the existence of singularities but also the theory that the universe might have started as a singularity. Their joint essay was the runner-up in the 1968 Gravity Research Foundation competition.[86][87] In 1970, they published a proof that if the universe obeys the general theory of relativity and fits any of the models of physical cosmology developed by Alexander Friedmann, then it must have begun as a singularity.[88][89][90] In 1969, Hawking accepted a specially created Fellowship for Distinction in Science to remain at Caius.[91]In 1970, Hawking postulated what became known as the second law of black hole dynamics, that the event horizon of a black hole can never get smaller.[92] With James M. Bardeen and Brandon Carter, he proposed the four laws of black hole mechanics, drawing an analogy with thermodynamics.[93] To Hawking's irritation, Jacob Bekenstein, a graduate student of John Wheeler, went further—and ultimately correctly—to apply thermodynamic concepts literally.[94][95]In the early 1970s, Hawking's work with Carter, Werner Israel, and David C. Robinson strongly supported Wheeler's no-hair theorem, one that states that no matter what the original material from which a black hole is created, it can be completely described by the properties of mass, electrical charge and rotation.[96][97] His essay titled "Black Holes" won the Gravity Research Foundation Award in January 1971.[98] Hawking's first book, The Large Scale Structure of Space-Time, written with George Ellis, was published in 1973.[99]Beginning in 1973, Hawking moved into the study of quantum gravity and quantum mechanics.[100][99] His work in this area was spurred by a visit to Moscow and discussions with Yakov Borisovich Zel'dovich and Alexei Starobinsky, whose work showed that according to the uncertainty principle, rotating black holes emit particles.[101] To Hawking's annoyance, his much-checked calculations produced findings that contradicted his second law, which claimed black holes could never get smaller,[102] and supported Bekenstein's reasoning about their entropy.[101][103]His results, which Hawking presented from 1974, showed that black holes emit radiation, known today as Hawking radiation, which may continue until they exhaust their energy and evaporate.[104][105][106] Initially, Hawking radiation was controversial. By the late 1970s and following the publication of further research, the discovery was widely accepted as a significant breakthrough in theoretical physics.[107][108][109] Hawking was elected a Fellow of the Royal Society (FRS) in 1974, a few weeks after the announcement of Hawking radiation. At the time, he was one of the youngest scientists to become a Fellow.[110][111]Hawking was appointed to the Sherman Fairchild Distinguished Visiting Professorship at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) in 1974. He worked with a friend on the faculty, Kip Thorne,[112][8] and engaged him in a scientific wager about whether the X-ray source Cygnus X-1 was a black hole. The wager was an "insurance policy" against the proposition that black holes did not exist.[113] Hawking acknowledged that he had lost the bet in 1990, a bet that was the first of several he was to make with Thorne and others.[114] Hawking had maintained ties to Caltech, spending a month there almost every year since this first visit.[115]1975–1990Hawking returned to Cambridge in 1975 to a more academically senior post, as reader in gravitational physics. The mid to late 1970s were a period of growing public interest in black holes and the physicists who were studying them. Hawking was regularly interviewed for print and television.[116][117] He also received increasing academic recognition of his work.[118] In 1975, he was awarded both the Eddington Medal and the Pius XI Gold Medal, and in 1976 the Dannie Heineman Prize, the Maxwell Medal and Prize and the Hughes Medal.[119][120] He was appointed a professor with a chair in gravitational physics in 1977.[121] The following year he received the Albert Einstein Medal and an honorary doctorate from the University of Oxford.[122][118]In 1979, Hawking was elected Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge.[118][123] His inaugural lecture in this role was titled: "Is the End in Sight for Theoretical Physics?" and proposed N=8 Supergravity as the leading theory to solve many of the outstanding problems physicists were studying.[124] His promotion coincided with a health crisis which led to his accepting, albeit reluctantly, some nursing services at home.[125] At the same time, he was also making a transition in his approach to physics, becoming more intuitive and speculative rather than insisting on mathematical proofs. "I would rather be right than rigorous", he told Kip Thorne.[126] In 1981, he proposed that information in a black hole is irretrievably lost when a black hole evaporates. This information paradox violates the fundamental tenet of quantum mechanics, and led to years of debate, including "the Black Hole War" with Leonard Susskind and Gerard 't Hooft.[127][128]Hawking at an ALS convention in San Francisco in the 1980sCosmological inflation – a theory proposing that following the Big Bang, the universe initially expanded incredibly rapidly before settling down to a slower expansion – was proposed by Alan Guth and also developed by Andrei Linde.[129] Following a conference in Moscow in October 1981, Hawking and Gary Gibbons[8] organised a three-week Nuffield Workshop in the summer of 1982 on "The Very Early Universe" at Cambridge University, a workshop that focused mainly on inflation theory.[130][131][132] Hawking also began a new line of quantum theory research into the origin of the universe. In 1981 at a Vatican conference, he presented work suggesting that there might be no boundary – or beginning or ending – to the universe.[133][134]Hawking subsequently developed the research in collaboration with Jim Hartle,[8] and in 1983 they published a model, known as the Hartle–Hawking state. It proposed that prior to the Planck epoch, the universe had no boundary in space-time; before the Big Bang, time did not exist and the concept of the beginning of the universe is meaningless.[135] The initial singularity of the classical Big Bang models was replaced with a region akin to the North Pole. One cannot travel north of the North Pole, but there is no boundary there – it is simply the point where all north-running lines meet and end.[136][137] Initially, the no-boundary proposal predicted a closed universe, which had implications about the existence of God. As Hawking explained, "If the universe has no boundaries but is self-contained... then God would not have had any freedom to choose how the universe began."[138]Hawking did not rule out the existence of a Creator, asking in A Brief History of Time "Is the unified theory so compelling that it brings about its own existence?"[139], also stating "If we discover a complete theory, it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason – for then we should know the mind of God"[140]; in his early work, Hawking spoke of God in a metaphorical sense. In the same book he suggested that the existence of God was not necessary to explain the origin of the universe. Later discussions with Neil Turok led to the realisation that the existence of God was also compatible with an open universe.[141]Further work by Hawking in the area of arrows of time led to the 1985 publication of a paper theorising that if the no-boundary proposition were correct, then when the universe stopped expanding and eventually collapsed, time would run backwards.[142] A paper by Don Page and independent calculations by Raymond Laflamme led Hawking to withdraw this concept.[143] Honours continued to be awarded: in 1981 he was awarded the American Franklin Medal,[144] and in the 1982 New Year Honours appointed a Commander of the Order of the British Empire (CBE).[145][146][147] These awards did not significantly change Hawking's financial status, and motivated by the need to finance his children's education and home expenses, he decided in 1982 to write a popular book about the universe that would be accessible to the general public.[148][149] Instead of publishing with an academic press, he signed a contract with Bantam Books, a mass market publisher, and received a large advance for his book.[150][151] A first draft of the book, called A Brief History of Time, was completed in 1984.[152]One of the first messages Hawking produced with his speech-generating device was a request for his assistant to help him finish writing A Brief History of Time.[153] Peter Guzzardi, his editor at Bantam, pushed him to explain his ideas clearly in non-technical language, a process that required many revisions from an increasingly irritated Hawking.[154] The book was published in April 1988 in the US and in June in the UK, and it proved to be an extraordinary success, rising quickly to the top of best-seller lists in both countries and remaining there for months.[155][156][157] The book was translated into many languages,[158] and ultimately sold an estimated 9 million copies.[157]Media attention was intense,[158] and a Newsweek magazine cover and a television special both described him as "Master of the Universe".[159] Success led to significant financial rewards, but also the challenges of celebrity status.[160] Hawking travelled extensively to promote his work, and enjoyed partying and dancing into the small hours.[158] A difficulty refusing the invitations and visitors left him limited time for work and his students.[161] Some colleagues were resentful of the attention Hawking received, feeling it was due to his disability.[162][163]He received further academic recognition, including five more honorary degrees,[159] the Gold Medal of the Royal Astronomical Society (1985),[164] the Paul Dirac Medal (1987)[159] and, jointly with Penrose, the prestigious Wolf Prize (1988).[165] In the 1989 Birthday Honours, he was appointed a Companion of Honour (CH).[161][166] He reportedly declined a knighthood in the late 1990s in objection to the UK's science funding policy.[167][168]1990–2000Hawking with string theoristsDavid Gross and Edward Witten at the 2001 Strings Conference, TIFR, IndiaHawking pursued his work in physics: in 1993 he co-edited a book on Euclidean quantum gravity with Gary Gibbons and published a collected edition of his own articles on black holes and the Big Bang.[169] In 1994, at Cambridge's Newton Institute, Hawking and Penrose delivered a series of six lectures that were published in 1996 as "The Nature of Space and Time".[170] In 1997, he conceded a 1991 public scientific wager made with Kip Thorne and John Preskill of Caltech. Hawking had bet that Penrose's proposal of a "cosmic censorship conjecture" – that there could be no "naked singularities" unclothed within a horizon – was correct.[171]After discovering his concession might have been premature, a new and more refined wager was made. This one specified that such singularities would occur without extra conditions.[172] The same year, Thorne, Hawking and Preskill made another bet, this time concerning the black hole information paradox.[173][174] Thorne and Hawking argued that since general relativity made it impossible for black holes to radiate and lose information, the mass-energy and information carried by Hawking radiation must be "new", and not from inside the black hole event horizon. Since this contradicted the quantum mechanics of microcausality, quantum mechanics theory would need to be rewritten. Preskill argued the opposite, that since quantum mechanics suggests that the information emitted by a black hole relates to information that fell in at an earlier time, the concept of black holes given by general relativity must be modified in some way.[175]Hawking also maintained his public profile, including bringing science to a wider audience. A film version of A Brief History of Time, directed by Errol Morris and produced by Steven Spielberg, premiered in 1992. Hawking had wanted the film to be scientific rather than biographical, but he was persuaded otherwise. The film, while a critical success, was not widely released.[176] A popular-level collection of essays, interviews, and talks titled Black Holes and Baby Universes and Other Essays was published in 1993,[177] and a six-part television series Stephen Hawking's Universe and a companion book appeared in 1997. As Hawking insisted, this time the focus was entirely on science.[178][179]2000–2018Hawking at the Bibliothèque nationale de France to inaugurate the Laboratory of Astronomy and Particles in Paris, and the French release of his work God Created the Integers, 5 May 2006Hawking continued his writings for a popular audience, publishing The Universe in a Nutshell in 2001,[180] and A Briefer History of Time, which he wrote in 2005 with Leonard Mlodinow to update his earlier works with the aim of making them accessible to a wider audience, and God Created the Integers, which appeared in 2006.[181] Along with Thomas Hertog at CERN and Jim Hartle, from 2006 on Hawking developed a theory of "top-down cosmology", which says that the universe had not one unique initial state but many different ones, and therefore that it is inappropriate to formulate a theory that predicts the universe's current configuration from one particular initial state.[182] Top-down cosmology posits that the present "selects" the past from a superposition of many possible histories. In doing so, the theory suggests a possible resolution of the fine-tuning question.[183][184]Hawking continued to travel widely, including trips to Chile, Easter Island, South Africa, Spain (to receive the Fonseca Prize in 2008),[185][186] Canada,[187] and numerous trips to the United States.[188] For practical reasons related to his disability, Hawking increasingly travelled by private jet, and by 2011 that had become his only mode of international travel.[189]Hawking with University of Oxford librarian Richard Ovenden (left) and naturalist David Attenborough (right) at the opening of the Weston Library, Oxford, in March 2015. Ovenden awarded the Bodley Medal to Hawking and Attenborough at the ceremony.By 2003, consensus among physicists was growing that Hawking was wrong about the loss of information in a black hole.[190] In a 2004 lecture in Dublin, he conceded his 1997 bet with Preskill, but described his own, somewhat controversial solution to the information paradox problem, involving the possibility that black holes have more than one topology.[191][175] In the 2005 paper he published on the subject, he argued that the information paradox was explained by examining all the alternative histories of universes, with the information loss in those with black holes being cancelled out by those without such loss.[174][192] In January 2014, he called the alleged loss of information in black holes his "biggest blunder".[193]As part of another longstanding scientific dispute, Hawking had emphatically argued, and bet, that the Higgs boson would never be found.[194] The particle was proposed to exist as part of the Higgs field theory by Peter Higgs in 1964. Hawking and Higgs engaged in a heated and public debate over the matter in 2002 and again in 2008, with Higgs criticising Hawking's work and complaining that Hawking's "celebrity status gives him instant credibility that others do not have."[195] The particle was discovered in July 2012 at CERN following construction of the Large Hadron Collider. Hawking quickly conceded that he had lost his bet[196][197] and said that Higgs should win the Nobel Prize for Physics,[198] which he did in 2013.[199]Hawking holding a public lecture at the Stockholm Waterfront congress centre, 24 August 2015In 2007, Hawking and his daughter Lucy published George's Secret Key to the Universe, a children's book designed to explain theoretical physics in an accessible fashion and featuring characters similar to those in the Hawking family.[200] The book was followed by sequels in 2009, 2011, 2014 and 2016.[201]In 2002, following a UK-wide vote, the BBC included Hawking in their list of the 100 Greatest Britons.[202] He was awarded the Copley Medal from the Royal Society (2006),[203] the Presidential Medal of Freedom, which is America's highest civilian honour (2009),[204] and the Russian Special Fundamental Physics Prize (2013).[205]Several buildings have been named after him, including the Stephen W. Hawking Science Museum in San Salvador, El Salvador,[206] the Stephen Hawking Building in Cambridge,[207] and the Stephen Hawking Centre at the Perimeter Institute in Canada.[208] Appropriately, given Hawking's association with time, he unveiled the mechanical "Chronophage" (or time-eating) Corpus Clock at Corpus Christi College, Cambridge in September 2008.[209][210]During his career, Hawking supervised 39 successful PhD students.[3] One doctoral student did not successfully complete the PhD.[3][better source needed] As required by Cambridge University regulations, Hawking retired as Lucasian Professor of Mathematics in 2009.[123][211] Despite suggestions that he might leave the United Kingdom as a protest against public funding cuts to basic scientific research,[212] Hawking worked as director of research at the Cambridge University Department of Applied Mathematics and Theoretical Physics.[213]On 28 June 2009, as a tongue-in-cheek test of his 1992 conjecture that travel into the past is effectively impossible, Hawking held a party open to all, complete with hors d'oeuvres and iced champagne, but publicised the party only after it was over so that only time-travellers would know to attend; as expected, nobody showed up to the party.[214]On 20 July 2015, Hawking helped launch Breakthrough Initiatives, an effort to search for extraterrestrial life.[215] Hawking created Stephen Hawking: Expedition New Earth, a documentary on space colonisation, as a 2017 episode of Tomorrow's World.[216][217]In August 2015, Hawking said that not all information is lost when something enters a black hole and there might be a possibility to retrieve information from a black hole according to his theory.[218] In July 2017, Hawking was awarded an Honorary Doctorate from Imperial College London.[219]Hawking's final paper – A smooth exit from eternal inflation? – was posthumously published in the Journal of High Energy Physics on 27 April 2018.[220][221]

[hairbleached]

i was tagged by @iwishyouwouid 💫💫

the last

1. drink: keystone beer bleck 2. phone call: mom 3. text message: also mom lols 4. song you listened to: prayers up // ch 5. time you cried: two days ago 6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. been cheated on: nope 9. lost someone special: a few months ago 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: i hold my liquor !!

3 favourite colours

12. 13. 14. soft pink, mint green, pastel yellow

in the last year have you 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: nah 17. laughed until you cried: yep 18. found out someone was talking about you: uh ya 19. met someone who changed you: indeed 20. found out who your friends are: i’d like to think 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: my facebook list? general 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: like 90% but do i still talk to them ? no 23. do you have any pets: yeeee a border collie mutt named chloe and a parakeet named kirby,...my beta, nils II, died a week ago 24. do you want to change your name: yes 25. what did you do for your last birthday: i didn’t have classes so i chilled then went out nothing wicked noteworthy

26. what time did you wake up: ummm like 8 but i got up at 9:30 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching the bee movie lol 28. name something you can’t wait for: my fucking! online!! accounting!! course!!! 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: july fourth 31. what are you listening to right now: new rules // dual lipa

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: talked talked no talked yes 33. something that is getting on your nerves: my roommate 34. most visited website: tumblr 35. hair colour: light brown

36. long or short hair: short 37. do you have a crush on someone: well,,,, i usually do so yes

38. what do you like about yourself: i appreciate my legs and my communication skills 39. piercings: left lobe and my fucking traigus fell out and closed in three days just yesterday i’m pissed!!!!!!! 40. blood type: get back to me 41. nickname: billy 42. relationship status: single

43. zodiac: virgo 44. pronouns: he/his

45. favourite tv show: atm friends is my feel good cozy show 46. tattoos: no but can’t wait 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: tonsels & adnoids, wisdom teeth 50. sport: none atm i used to run xc, winter and spring track and go through withdrawels sometimes 51. vacation: last one was a study abroad program to london, paris, amsterdam, verona, venice and rome 52. pair of trainers: adidas superstars

MORE GENERAL 53. eating: last had my mother of go-to’s: pasta, butter & cheese

54. drinking: water 55. I’m about to: i hope force myself to do more of my accounting assignment but who knows 56. waiting for: ts6 57. want: to be more motivated 58. get married: i am pretty impartial as of late 59. career: media and entertainment event management

WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: i’m a hugger but kisses are growing on me 61. lips or eyes: eyes 62. shorter or taller: ugh taller 63. older or younger: older i guess 64. nice arms or nice stomach: stomach but no shade @ arms 65. hookup or relationship: relationship but i’ve never had one rip 66. troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER: 67. kissed a stranger: yes 68. drank hard liquor: yes 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: sunglasses 70. turned someone down: yes

71. sex on the first date: nope 73. had your heart broken: hmm not romantically but yes 74. been arrested: no 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: yaaa

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: ithinkso 78. miracles: i’d like to think so but not always 79. love at first sight: nah fam 80. santa claus: lol 81. kiss on the first date: ya

82. angels: yupyupyup

OTHER: 84. eye colour: hazel!!!!

85. favourite movie: julie & julia and devil wears prada

answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people!!

i tag: @straightlinedownx @inadaydreams @she-so-swift @taylorswifft @enchntted @taylorthebaelor @treaxherous @noitsydney @tayloralisionswift @tayaholic @fifth-harmony @fifth-harmony @tayslaysswift @hugeselenatorswiftie @alltalkxnowalk @wereabetterman @redaoty @taybigail @rsvivals @knowlesbitch

#tag game #thanks for tagging <3 #these numbers got fucked up but i don't have the energy

[jo-the-schmo]

Breaking... Ch.24

Masterlist

Part 21 Part 22 Part 23

A/N: ...

Wordcount: 4946

Warnings: ...

Tags...: @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit @renae-writes @deltablue202 @literally-melonkitty @meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips @sweaterkitty-fluff@pinkyiger7 @littlemissshortcakes​ @msageofenlightenment @unprofessional-inhumanbeing @fandom-panda-221@hummusandchips @spoopy-piineapple @ashwolfcub​ @myself-and-the-madman @sweet-fate @superwholockbooknerd526 @frozengal2013 @itsmikayblr @sarmar29 @arya-durin-77 @phantastic-fandoms​ @hoshihime98 @shinigamired @martapetrovic @robotic-space @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit2 (lol) @asprinkleofmermaids @pinkyiger7​ (I’m tagging you twice my friend!) @satellitesuga @rose-coloured-nihilism @okie-dokie-artichokeme @alyssumax​ @pandartist @marquiis-de-la-baguette​ @abi-sans05​

Broken

Just as you had suspected, this was all Lafayette’s idea. Honestly, you should’ve expected that with how cryptic he was being before. He said that Alex and Philip can be very similar sometimes, he knew some shit like this would work of Alex and that meant it would probably work on Philip as well. Eliza was the second to know about and she let Alex in on it after Philip asked to bring Theodosia. Angie said she just had a feeling something was going on so she joined in. The weird part was that Jefferson wasn’t part of the plan at all. According to Laf, Thomas just wanted to piss off Hamilton, to say it worked would be an understatement.

“That magenta obsessed lunatic! He has the nerve to try and accuse you and then do something so vile? He would be wise to apologize to you for putting you through something so traumatic! That man better not ask me about you or I swear there will be hell to pay.” You told him that that wouldn’t happen but you were wrong. It totally did. You had to hear Alex rant for at least three hours about how disrespectful it is to ask a man about someone who was basically his daughter. Dadexander is back at it again, I see! You knew that this was all just an excuse to make Alex upset but you were honestly touched that he was so protective of you. Angie was probably the most excited.

“I am so happy for you! We already discussed that I am already the bridesmaid, my speech has already been written! Would you like to hear it?” You told her to slow her roll, but she always seemed to know something you didn’t. She was seventeen now and you were always amazed by how incredible she was. She was only a year younger than you were when you first came here, you felt very old all of a sudden just thinking about it. Ever since that night after the ball, you and Philip were inseparable. Eliza helped you learn how to dance properly; Philip was your partner. Alex asked you to help him write papers for him, Philip would sit beside you and make sure you didn’t try and write too fast. There was a moment when you had to bring tea to his room really late at night because he refused to sleep. No matter how many times he insisted that you go to bed, you refused.

“Sunshine, it isn’t fair for me to go to sleep and leave you awake and miserable. Either we both go to sleep and be happy or we both stay up and be cranky. The choice is yours!”

“Ugh! Why do you have to use your beautiful mind against me? Aren’t you supposed to love me or something?”

“I do love you, and that’s precisely why I have to stop you before you pass out and stain your pretty little face with ink.” You pouted.

“Are you trying to say I wouldn’t be pretty if I had ink on my face?” He teased.

“I like your freckles not to be covered in ink so yes. But don’t change the subject, you need to sleep.” He got up from his chair and wrapped his arms around your waist, resting his head on your shoulder.

“But I really have to finish this!” He groaned, you felt his hair scratch at your cheek and you giggled.

“No, you really need to sleep, love!” He nuzzled his face into your neck.

“If I go to sleep I can’t see your radiance. What’s a man to do?”

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind,

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.” You quoted. “As long as your mind holds my image, your eyes will not need me.” That was enough to convince him to go to sleep, you kissed him goodnight and left. You always felt like you were floating after he kissed you, it was like a force of energy would wave over you.

            Lafayette left a couple weeks later, you told him to keep in touch with you. You were glad to have made a new friend out of all that nonsense. Eliza had been slowly taking you off maid duties. She told you that it wasn’t intentional but you got the feeling it was. She would insist that you wear your casual dress more and more. Today was one of those days, however Philip invited you to go into town with him and Angie decided to tag along because she wanted to look for new petticoats. You’d never been out in public with Philip before so you were a bit nervous. Luckily that didn’t last long because as soon as the carriage pulled into the town and you got out with Philip on your arm, that feeling of anxiety melted away. There was a mix of indoor and outdoor shops, the sounds flowed around you. It was chilly outside but you didn’t mind, it was comfortable enough for you. For some you thought of the memory with your last night with Anna. How hot and sticky it was, how close to summer it was, how happy the two of you were. Onism. Philip pulled away from you.

“Would you mind going with Angie for a little bit? I have to go talk to a make an errand really quick.”

“An errand? Alright, I don’t mind. Just be back soon because I don’t want to leave you without a ride back.” You joked, he gave you a peck on the cheek and quickly left you with Angie. She giggled and wriggled her eyebrows.

“You two are simply adorable!” She squealed. “I wish you two would just get married already! I hate this waiting game!” You rolled your eyes.

“I’m sure you do Angie, I’m sure you do.”

“How much longer do you think he’s going to wait?”

“I-I don’t know! I haven’t exactly thought about it! Although, that’s not to say I wouldn’t be opposed to it…” You felt your face heat up, an interesting contrast to the cool air. You and Angie stopped in front of a table displaying various glass pieces. You felt an icy chill roll up your spine, the presence was back. What the hell? It’s happened outside before…

Seven. Three. Seven. Three. Seven.

Why are you doing this?

Help. Don’t run.

Don’t run? What does that mean? You felt something touch your arm, you flinched.

“Hey, TT! Are you alright? You spaced out there!” Angie said with concern. You shivered and shook away the ominous feeling painted against your back.

“Yes, I’m alright, just cold.” You chuckled. The two of you continued to look at the different shops for a while and it gave you time to think. Mrs. Y/N Hamilton… Angie was right, that does sound nice. We don’t have to rush anything; we don’t have to get married any time soon.  I just wonder when, will it be a mutual decision, will it be spur of the moment, will it be carefully planned out? Ugh, I feel ridiculous. What am I, a soccer mom? Well, soccer isn’t really a thing here yet, I guess. Your thoughts were interrupted by Angie.

“Oh would you look at that, Philip finally decided to come back and join us!” Your mood instantly perked up as you searched the crowd. Philip was moving past everyone but he didn’t seem happy. To be more precise, he looked completely pissed. He approached the two of you and huffed an uneasy breath.

“Come on, we’re leaving.” What?

“But I haven’t found my petticoats yet!” Angie whined.

“We need to leave! We can come back tomorrow.” He sounded like he was in a rush.

“Philip, what’s going on? Are you okay?” You tried to ask.

“I’ll tell you when we get home, I promise. But we really need to go.” You and Angie followed him to the coach, his leg was bouncing the entire way to the estate. You tried to calm him down a to calm him down but he wasn’t acting like himself. He seemed distraught and antsy. When the carriage pulled into the yard he practically jumped out. As the three of you made it into the house, you asked him what was wrong again. This time he said that he had to talk with Alex first. You suggested that you make tea and that you’d join them, he agreed.

“Don’t say anything too important without me!” You tried to lighten his mood, he leaned forward and kissed your forehead before walking down the hall. You went into the kitchen and quickly prepared the tea, Eliza would kill you if she saw that you were working in your nice dress. You set the cups on a tray with everything else and made your way over to the study. You were about to knock on the door when you heard a passing conversation.

“Where is this happening?” Alex asked. Where’s what happening?

“Across the river in Jersey, everything is legal in New Jersey.” Philip explained. Has he ever been to Jersey?! Nothing is legal there!

“Alright, so this is what you’re going to do. Stand there like a man until Eacker is front of you. When the time comes, fire your weapon in the air. This will put an end to the whole affair.” What…

“But what if he decides to shoot? Then I’m a goner!”

“No, he’ll follow suit if he’s truly a man of honor. To take someone’s life, that is something you can’t shake. Philip, your mother can’t take another heartbreak.” Your hands were shaking, the tray quaking.

“Father…”

“Promise me, you don’t want this young man’s blood on your conscious!”

“Okay, I promise…”

“Come back home when you’re done, take my guns. Be smart, make me proud son.” The tray fell from your hands; glass, tea, cream and sugar spilled across the floor. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

“No!” You yelled as you busted through the door. Alex and Philip jumped in surprise, but Philip was immediately concerned. “You are not going!” You felt tears rolling down your cheeks and stepped over the broken tea set.

“Hey, hey, hey now! Calm down love.” Philip tried to soothe you.

“No! I’m not going to calm down! You are not going to that duel!” Philip laid his hands on your shoulders comfortingly.

“I have to, he disparaged my father’s legacy in front of a crowd. I can’t have that! And he tried to-” He tried to justify. Ellipsism. Your shoulders shook the opposite reason, you interrupted him.

“And I can’t lose you…not again, Philip… please just stay alive for me… Is that too much to ask?” You hiccupped. I just got him back, he is not leaving me again! Philip pulled you into his arms, you buried your face into his chest. “Please don’t go… I love you… The sun has to come out tomorrow….” You clutched onto him, you hated feeling weak but at this point you didn’t care. If showing yourself in a ‘weak’ state was enough to make him stay than you held no qualms. You didn’t care what happened, what would change because of this. You just knew that you needed him to stay.

“Okay, Okay, it’s going to be okay Star! Please stop crying…” You shook your head. Alex stood up from his seat and made his way over to the two of you.

“Titania, I assure you, everything will be alright. You must try and calm down, we don’t want you to have another fit.”

“I won’t go, just please don’t make yourself sick!”  You calmed down a little bit after hearing him say that. He pulled you away and gave you his handkerchief, he tried to help you wipe away your tears with his hands. “Come on now, where’s my sparkle at?” He smiled. You couldn’t stop yourself from cracking a grin. He always knows what to do to make me smile… He told you to grab your Midsummer Night’s Dream book and come back so that you could read a little bit together. You did so and the two of you spent most of the day picking out different parts of the play that stood out to you. You all had dinner together and as the sun set, everyone began to retire for the evening. Now you stood in front of the door to your room, holding Philip’s hand.

“Remember, you promised Angie another trip into town, I’m going to hold you to that!”

“I will, I will! I’m a man of my word after all!” The huge grin on his face changed to a nervous smile. “Um, after breakfast tomorrow, would you mind meeting me in the garden? There’s… something that I…need to ask you. It’s pretty important so…” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

“Of course! I uh, I mean sure, that sounds fine. I’ll see you there.” You tried desperately to keep your cool. He looked down at you with soft eyes and caressed your cheek.

“I love you so, so, so much. I love you more than anything else. You are my fallen star and I would do anything for you, you know that right?” He asked, very seriously.

“Of course I do, Philip. I couldn’t forget that even if I wanted to. You’re the only sunshine that matters to me…” He leaned forward and gently pressed his lips into yours. Yours seemed to fit perfectly with his and the feeling of being stopped in time never changed. He pulled away slightly and you slowly opened your eyes.

“Good… it’s just nice to hear that every once in a while.” He grinned. You are such a cheeseball!

“Well, I’m will to tell you that any time!” You chuckled.

“You’re adorable… I’ll see you in morning, my starlight. I hope you have sweet dreams.” He gave your hand one last squeeze before letting go and making his way down the hall and out of your sights. You went inside your room and closed the door behind you. You ran over to your bed, slammed your head into the pillow and legit screamed. You rolled over and tried to stop smiling, you couldn’t. Philip Hamilton has a very important question to ask me. And he has to ask it in the place where we gave each other our nicknames and shared our first kiss… I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE! I feel like the only person who could be happier than me about this is Angie! You suddenly felt exhausted. I am emotionally drained… You tried to get up so that you could change your clothes but your body wouldn’t move. What the fuck…? You were paralyzed, your eyes began to shut. Your sight was filled with blackness, there was nothing. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t move, you couldn’t see, all you could do was hear.

Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run. Don’t run.

Those words echoed in your mind, over and over and over again. Your eyes shot open but it was dark, you were able to roll out of bed and managed to light the candle on your desk. How long have I been asleep? You looked around and noticed something strange. There was folded up piece of paper laying on the floor. You picked it up and saw ‘My Star’ written on the front. What’s this? You opened it up and began to read its contents.

My dearest Starlight,

                           I write this letter to you with a heavy heart. I could not keep my word to you. As the eldest son, it is my responsibility to shoulder the legacy of my father. Mr. Eacker has sullied the name of not only my family but of you as well. My honor prevents me from backing down against this man’s words, I shall meet him at dawn. If you are reading this, it means that I have not survived the duel. I pray that these letters never meet your beautiful eyes, so that I may see them when the morning comes. I shall not let a tear stray from my eye, I must be strong, if not more myself than for you. Please, take care of my family. They will need you if I am gone. Do not, for a single moment believe that this could be in anyway your fault. My death will be on my hands, no one else’s. It is odd, in the time I need to use my talent in writing the most, I cannot find my words. How does one say goodbye to the person they barely got a chance to be with? My love, it is impossible. What am I to say to you? This letter will have to be short, or else it will be one hundred pages long. I will wait for you, as the world changes and grows so will you. I’ll wait as long as it takes to see your face again. I will bleed and fight for you. If you do read this, do not become stuck on me. Move on, be happy, live your life to the absolute fullest because my love for you will never die, even if I myself do. I will watch over you from the heavens, you shall never be alone. My love, my star, my everything, take your time. I shall see you, one day, on the other side.

With love, P. Ham, your sunshine

            You let the page fall from your hands and flutter to the floor. Dawn… It’s not dawn yet! You ran out of the room, through the hall, into the main room and out the door. You were frantic, you didn’t think about anything you were doing, just moving. Philip, don’t you dare do this to me! You rushed over to the stables and hurriedly led one of the horses out. Sorry to meet you like this old friend… No time for saddles today! You hoisted yourself over and onto the horses back, clutching onto her mane. Sorry if this hurts old girl. You gave her a little kick to the side and she took off, you held on tight to make sure you wouldn’t fall over. You rode into town and saw a few people waking up to prepare for the day, how could everything be so calm? You remembered the path down to the Hudson from the time you and Eliza decided to go for a stroll there. You looked around and saw the sky changing from its deep blue, it was slowly lightening and various other colors peeked from the horizon. The sun’s not up yet, I still have time! You made it to the edge of the river and hopped off the horse. There was a man on a small boat pulling into the dock.

“Excuse me sir! Did you just let a group of men across?” You asked him, completely out of breath. He looked at you incredulously.

“Yes, ma’am. They just rode in not too long ago.”

“Can you take me across? Please!” You begged.

“I can, but aren’t you worried about your horse?” He asked, you ran over to boat and jumped in, it shook under the pressure.

“There’s no time for that! Please!” You reinforced. As he began to paddle the boat across you asked him. “Where did they go?”

“Near Weehawken, ma’am. Crazy fools are looking for a fight, plain as day.” This was the first time you had a chance to process what was happening. I’m coming Philip, don’t do anything crazy! You were starting to feel the weight of guilt. He just had to do this! Why couldn’t I stop him? Was it not enough? Will he never be satisfied? The boat hit the other side and your hurried off, giving the man a pressed thank you. The ground was muddy from the river but the further out you went, the drier it became. The lines in the sky were becoming more and more orange. Tears burnt your eyes as you felt your legs get weaker. I can’t stop! Keep going, damn it! You heard something faint in the distance.

“One!”

The number of years after I realized I loved you. You forced yourself to keep going.

“Two!”

The number of baby’s breath you gave me on our night in the garden. You thought you could see them.

“Three!”

The number of times I had to betray you. You stumbled a bit but kept running.

“Four!”

The years that we’ve been together. You could see him, he raised his gun in the air.

“Five!”

The amount of flowers that were in my hair when you first kissed me and told me you loved me. You saw them marching away from each other, you changed your direction slightly. Left

“Six!”

The number of Hamilton children who love me. You were only a few feet away from him, he saw you.  Your body shot against his.

“Seven!”

Right now. Bang.

            There was a moment, a single moment where everything felt alright. Time had no control over you. History has its eyes on you, and yet you controlled it at the same time. You hugged Philip’s side as the two of you fell. That moment however, was only a moment. And that’s all it took. You felt a shot of pain come from the right side of your forehead. It was excruciating. You landed on the ground, Philip underneath you. Your head banged against his ribcage, something wet rolled down your face and seeped into your right eye. Blood. You felt yourself be moved and Philip was hovering over you. His eyes were filled a mix of terror and denial.

“S-s-star…? Y-you…you’re…” His breathing was heavy and erratic.

“I…made a pretty big entrance…huh?” You tried to laugh but the pain was too much.

“Doctor! Don’t just stand there, help her!” He yelled out, his eyes were glistening. Another man appeared your side and he examined you for a moment.

“This is very serious; we need to get her out her right now! Is there anywhere we can take her that’s close by?” He asked.

“My aunt’s house, it’s just at the edge of city! Ride in the carriage with me and fix her, please!” You sound so overcome...I don’t like that. Philip lifted you up into his arms and ran, your eyes fluttered open and shut. Before you knew it, you were in a carriage, Philip carefully shaking your shoulders. “Don’t fall asleep, my love. How can I see your radiance when you’re asleep? Keep your eyes open for me, don’t stop looking at me. Don’t look at the doctor, just pay attention to me, okay?” You felt something touch the side of your head. Then the musket in your head, the one embedded in your skull, was ripped out. You screamed, you never thought a person could experience something so agonizing. Philip squeezed your hand tightly to try and get your attention. “Shh, I know, I know! I know it hurts, love. But it’s going to be okay! Save your strength, you’ll stay alive!” You reached your trembling hand up and caressed his cheek. A few tears hit the edge of your palm.

“You’re right… So, d-don’t cry, sunny. I’m going to be… just fine…” You felt a cloth hit the gaping hole in your head you winced. The carriage stopped and before you knew it, you were being carried inside a large house. A familiar female voice was asking Philip questions; of which he didn’t know how to answer.

“Go inform Alexander and my sister!” You heard someone run out and shut the door. “Bring her in here, Philip!” He held you close as he rushed into a different room, the only thing you could notice about it were the large windows. The sun was rising, the light filling the room. You were laid onto some sort of sofa, but Philip didn’t leave your side or let go of your hand.

“The doctor is going to clean your wound now; it’s probably going to hurt like hell. But you can handle it! I know you can!” The cloth was peeled off your blood clotted skin, something wet was poured onto your injury. It burned. You bit your lip to stifle another screech. Philip kissed your knuckle. “See? I knew you could handle it!”

“Hey…Philly?”

“Yes, my star?”

“I know I’m going to be fine and all…but it would really help me feel better if we talked for a little bit.”

“Of course, what would you like to discuss?”

“You said that… you wanted to ask me something in the garden… What was it?” You asked breathlessly.

“My plan was to…ask for your hand in marriage. I was going to the ring in the patch of baby’s breath that grows every spring…” He chuckled sadly.

“That…sounds perfect… I feel like the wedding will be beautiful… Angie already declared herself Maid of Honor…” Your breathing was starting to become shallow. “Can you tell me… what happens after that?”

“We’ll get a place in the city, because I know you love the energy there. We’ll start rallies to abolish slavery, our generation will be the one to do it. But we won’t stop there, we won’t stop until everyone is free, all women, immigrants and those like my sister in the likes. It’ll be hard but we’ll always come out on top. Because nothing in this world is stronger than us…” He smiled wistfully. His smile is so perfect…

“I’m glad that… at least one of us had a plan…”

“Has!” He corrected, you nodded.

“Right, silly me. Has.” He took a moment to look at you, he fell apart in front of your eyes.

“This is all my fault! I should have listened to you! If I had, then you’d… then you’d be… I’m so sorry!” You him by the cravat and pulled him in close with all the strength you had in your body. You kissed his cheek, wishing you could do and say more.

“This isn’t your fault, if any one should be sorry it’s me. I’m sorry for not always being there for you, even if I wanted to. I’m so sorry for every time I’ve ever lied to you. I’m sorry for not loving you for as long as I wanted to. Philip, I’m sorry but I couldn’t let you die before me. I did this and I don’t regret it. I’m not sorry for doing this.” You said with a dark tone, he sighed.

“I…don’t know what I’m going to do without you…”

“Live.” His eyes widened. “You’re going to do all those things you said you’d do with me. Even if I’m not there with you. You’re going to live and grow and be happy! This isn’t some Shakespearian tale, we aren’t Romeo and Juliet or Pyramus and Thisbe. Our love didn’t come from some love at first sight encounter. We were friends, we cared about each other, we got mad at one another but that’s what made it real! We grew together and you’re going to keep growing without me. Because you know that’s what I’d want…” It was getting harder to talk but you refused to give up your chance. The doctor took another look at your head, he couldn’t seem to find a way to fix it. You could read his face and you were satisfied with that. You heard footsteps getting louder and louder, a door busted open.

“Come in Mr. Hamilton.” The doctor instructed. You saw faces appear by your side. Alex, Eliza, Angie, AJ, Jamie, Johnny, Willy and Lizzy. Your family was here.

“Philip…what happened?” Alex asked with fear.

“I did exactly as you said Pop…I held my head up high… But even before we got to ten…she was pushing me aside…” Alex looked over at the doctor and he was given the same look you were.

“Is she going to survive this? Who did this? Alexander do you know?” Eliza’s voice was going by a mile a minute. All of this sounded familiar. Your eyesight was fazing in an out, like a camera trying to keep itself in focus.

“I want to say…so many things…But I don’t think I have the strength to… In my room, under my pillow, you’ll find some things that will tell you what I can’t…”

“TT…you’re greatest big sister I could ever hope to have…” Angie sniffled.

“Eliza…” You whispered.

“Yes, dear?”

“Do you remember… how you counted on my first day with you…and the round that we made the warmup?” She nodded. “Could you…and all the children…sing that for me? I think…it would help me feel a little calmer…”

“Of course, dear! Anything for one of my girls!” Her voice cracked. She looked at all the children, they were in tears but were being very brave. I’m so proud of them… You looked at Philip, asking for him to sing for you.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq…” Eliza and all the younger children started, Philip remembered what to do.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf…” He sang to you softly.

“Good…” Your eyes felt heavy.

“Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq…” So tired….

“Un…” You stopped him.

“I love you…” Was the last thing you were able to say.

#yes this is the last chapter #don't worry there will be more things #don't worry the

[malmo777-blog]

About Me

Haven’t done one of these since I was fourteen. It’s time. 

1. What is your full name? Mallory Cook Fraser

2. What is your nickname? Malmo, but I try to get people to call me McFraser. No one does.

3. What is your zodiac sign?   Libra. Fun fact- I’m attracted to Tauruses, always have been, apparently always will be.

4. What is your favorite book series? Obviously Harry Potter is dope as fuck but I read these Stephanie Perkins books and fell in love.

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? No aliens, although something is out there that moves, it just isn’t gonna follow our earth definition of “life”. Ghosts- not typically. I believe in energy, and energy can possess things.

6. Who is your favorite author? I love Hemingway, Stephanie Perkins, and Sarah Dessen can be great if you’re in the mood. John Green is running out of steam at this point although he used to be on the list.

7. What is your favorite radio station? I love so many! Either 95.7 or 92.5 (both NH radio)

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? Cherry

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? Wicked or dooooooope.

10. What is your current favorite song? Today it was Cinderblock Garden. Lately, Undone (the sweater song)

11. What is your favorite word? Fuck. 

12. What was the last song you listened to? Broadside- Coffee Talk

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Skins really is for everybody. Or HIMYM. Although Fairy Tail is my favorite, it’s not for everyone.

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? The Little Mermaid can always perk me up. 

15. Do you play video games? Not much anymore. Used to play super nintendo. Good at racing games.

16. What is your biggest fear? Being financially unstable as an adult.

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? I’m 100000% honest all the time. I say things exactly how I see them and never leave people guessing. I don’t like to play games and waste time.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? On the flipside of that, I can’t keep my mouth shut. If something is bothering me, I wanna talk about it, even if it’s venting to another person. Which sometimes causes unwanted conflict. Not a huge deal, but I’m also super type B and I hate conflict.

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. Dogs are too in your face.

20. What is your favorite season? Springtime, spring-a-ling-a-ling time.

21. Are you in a relationship? I’m in lots of relationships, just none are romantic.

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? It was so inexpensive to be a kid.

23. Who is your best friend? Not sure if he knows it, but totally my bud Dillon. He is my mind. We don’t even have to talk to understand what’s going on.

24. What is your eye color? Blue

25. What is your hair color? Golden blonde.

26. Who is someone you love? My daddy.

27. Who is someone you trust? My best friend.

28. Who is someone you think about often? Alex Gaskarth

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? End of the semester! Woooo! And I just barely got sick the day after it closed, which is good. I get sick every year around this time, it just usually falls on midterms week, not right after. So I’m happy I missed it.

30. What is your biggest obsession? My book series.

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? Roccos Modern Life

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? Obviously my best friend.

33. Are you superstitious? Only after one of my exes passed away. Since he did, things are freaky sometimes. But never scary. It’s always good energy.

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? Elevators. Potatoes. Mold.

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? In front.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Writing!

37. What was the last book you read? This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen. Finished it two days ago.

38. What was the last movie you watched? Road Trip. I love raunchy comedies.

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? Bass clarinet, clarinet, guitar, a lil piano, a lil sax, and vox.

40. What is your favorite animal? Loke ;)

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? Oooo haven’t been on here enough to decide.

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Ability to call spirits and bond with them.

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? Lying in bed right before sleep, listening to tunes.

44. What makes you smile? Going to work.

45. What sports do you play, if any? Marching band.

46. What is your favorite drink? There’s this orange mango peach shit from market basket that’s phenomenal. Oh, alcoholic? Ahh, umm, Smirnoff ice?

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? Christmas. Cards, you know.

48. Are you afraid of heights? Used to not be but now? Abso-fuckin-lutley.

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Mixed silverware in the dishwasher.

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Try 12.

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? I am vegan, but not super duper strict raw vegan or that shit. Just nothing where the ingredients state meat, eggs, or milk.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? An actress or a pop star.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Fiore

54. What is something you worry about? Money, clearly.

55. Are you scared of the dark? No. I’ve been living in the woods long enough to be used to it.

56. Do you like to sing? FUCK YES

57. Have you ever skipped school? One time I said I was sick so I could stay home and write Harry Potter fan fiction.

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? Fells Point, Baltimore

59. Where would you like to live? Baltimore

60. Do you have any pets? Not anymore

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? Early bird!

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunrises. The signal a new chance.

63. Do you know how to drive? Very well actually.

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Headphones!

65. Have you ever had braces? Nope.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? Pop punk, 2007-2008 era

67. Who is your hero? My daddy.

68. Do you read comic books? Only Deadpool

69. What makes you the most angry? When TOP fans come into my store aND FUCKING TEAR APART THE T SHIRT WALL AHH GO BACK TO HELL YOU ANGSTY LITTLE SHITS!

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Real books. The creak of the pages, the smell. All part of the experience.

71. What is your favorite subject in school? History!

72. Do you have any siblings? Four older ones. Two and two, each gender.

73. What was the last thing you bought? A new air freshener for my car. Wait, no, groceries. Some of that juice I was talking about before.

74. How tall are you? Five foot nuthin’.

75. Can you cook? Apparently I can grill, I’ve been told. I think I make BOMB pasta.

76. What are three things that you love? 1. Blink 182 2. Chipotle 3. My dad

77. What are three things that you hate? 1. Pessimists 2. The word “hate” 3. Unneccessary negativity (kinda like this question)

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? A really good mix. My anime crew is all boys, my music friends are boys, my coworkers AKA besties are all girls, and my school friends are girls.

79. What is your sexual orientation? Straight.

80. Where do you currently live? Washington, NH

81. Who was the last person you texted? My girl Colby

82. When was the last time you cried? About twenty minutes ago, watching Fairy Tail

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber? I don’t watch a lot of youtubers but the one I enjoy the most is Shane.

84. Do you like to take selfies? No. But on occassion I will, just so I can do better personal branding.

85. What is your favorite app? I use wattpad more than anything.

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? With my mom? Deceptive, negative, she always needs something for nothing. With my dad, amazing. He’s my best friend, sole provider, everything. If he wasn’t my dad he’d still be my bestie because we just get each other.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? My phillipino friend Cam is phillipino, sounds mexican, and my mock accent is indian. Fuckin hilarious.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? San Diego, west coast pop punk capital.

89. What is your favorite number? 7, but 77 in sports.

90. Can you juggle? No

91. Are you religious? I love all religion and the concept but do not identify with any one.

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? Space fucks me up. Ocean for sure.

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? No. I may be a Gryffindor for the things I love but I am waaaaay too type b to take unneeded risk.

94. Are you allergic to anything? Nope. But caffine reacts really badly with my body.

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yup

96. Can you wiggle your ears? Nope

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? Often

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Beach. I can go to the forest any time; I’m bored of it.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? Just as a flower does not get to choose where it blooms, a child cannot choose their parents. It stuck with me, that my character doesn’t at all need to be attached to them. That I get to be my own person.

100. Are you a good liar? No fuckin way.

101. What is your Hogwarts House? Gryffindor!

102. Do you talk to yourself? All the time, only in the car.

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Extrovert. Being surrounded by people makes me feel less lonely.

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? I keep an everyday question journal.

105. Do you believe in second chances? Only after apologies. No sorry, no chance.

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Depends on the money. Ten bucks? I’ll call that my payment for the hassle of turning it in. Lots? Nah. If I turn it in with that much, they’ll probs be grateful and gimmie some.

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Absolutely. Everyone changes all the time. 

108. Are you ticklish? If I say yes you’ll know my weakness. If I say no I’m a liar.

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Yup. Like three times? Not sure.

110. Do you have any piercings? Belly button!

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Wooderson

112. Do you have any tattoos? Not yet. A few more months.

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Moving out and quitting Shaws. I followed my dreams all the way to Hot Topic.

114. Do you believe in karma? Not really. Coincidences are funny, but good people hardly ever get good karma, it’s usually only ever bad for bad people. That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? No.

116. Do you want children? Four!

117. Who is the smartest person you know? My best friend.

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? Tripping while hiking with my crush. My only recent moment.

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Twice!

120. What color are most of you clothes? Maroon or green. Can’t decide.

121. Do you like adventures? Love*

122. Have you ever been on TV? Nope

123. How old are you? Seventeen without a purpose or direction.

124. What is your favorite quote? “I just wanna fuck this burrito!” - Jack Barakat

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Totally depends on the mood.

[aph-daydreamer]

Thoughts while re reading Naruto (ch. 139 - 240)

1. This is so philosophical 2. Konohamaru! Noooo 3. Oh God, but had he been married to Biwako yet? 4. So sad 5. I kind of hate the Third’s nakamas? All they do is bad things … 6. Kurenai and Asuma awww 7. Uff noo, don’t fight! 8. Kurenai? Is she weak? Is she strong? I dunno 9. I- 10. I can’t – Itachi ;w; 11. Ahahahhaa 12. Kisame vs Gai 13. Gai you are the boss 14. Yassss! Tsunade, we are coming for you 15. Ahhhhhhhhh 16. Naruto blushes when Jiraiya compares him with the Fourth 17. Ehem his father 18. Ehem I die 19. Sakura nooou 20. You are all alone 21. Yes! Start to recognize Naruto 22. But don’t be sad 23. Sasuke, the pwer power power 24. What would have happened if Naruto wasn’t in the same team as Sasuke? 25. There’s always an idiot that screws up everything 26. In this case, he wasn’t Kishimoto 27. Ichirukaaaaaa 28. That scene…. 29. Just like movies 30. Or is is viceversa? 31. Oh 32. The fingers 33. Even after 3 years in Shippuden, Sasuke is still weaker than Itachi 34. Because Itachi loves more 35. He was so close… to their corpses 36. Jiraiya… what 37. Friggin Sasuke 38. Kake! 39. Princess Tsunade! 40. Hahaha the Spandex!! 41. Bodysuit* 42. Noooo! Naruto did want to wear it! Why Jiraiya! 43. So if Akatsuki would have done all the things they did, but now in the first part, where would we be? 44. I have the same wallet 45. I love it!!! 46. So I must read for a test but I prefer reading Naruto. 47. Oh God 48. Ice cream scene 49. I’m crying 50. Okay okay, even when Sakura is still saying “Sasuke-kun” I think she has develop from my thought that all she was saying was “Sasuke-kun” and now. 51. I don’t understand what is Orochimaru implying???? 52. ??? 53. Ooooh 54. Like I did understand he talked about Dan and Nawaki 55. But in a very confused way? 56. Also, he destroyed the castle. What kind of man is he? 57. A snake-ish man 58. Yeah! Shizune! 59. Kill him! 60. Nooooo, Tsunade 61. Again, this friggin system. Where’s the democracy?! 62. Again. Comparisons with Minato. Why does it have to hurt so much?! 63. Tonton. Rules. 64. Naruto! Your dreams! 65. (Again, this is why Boruto isn’t that good. Or plainly, it isn’t good) 66. That is your ninja way! Hell yeah! T^T 67. I think 68. It’s only a supposition 69. But I believe that 70. Orochimaru killed Nawaki 71. Not like huhu I’m gonna kill him but 72. He didn’t do anything to save him even when he could. 73. Chapter 162. Again the prophecy: Team 7 as the New Sannin 74. Nooo!!!! Tsunade could have killed him! 75. Of course Kabuto is good. His mother was uff 76. And if he didn’t understand 77. Why leave him live?! 78. 167, loved the cover 79. That my ninja way 80. ;w; 81. Road to ninja. Fire’s will 82. TSUNADEEEE 83. (Yes. He’s the future Hokage but he is unhappy) 84. And she never did. Even she was cut in half 85. Kuchiyose no Jutsu!! 86. Hahaha Manda 87. I still want to see Sakura on this Slug Forest 88. Hahaha Naruto that’s rude 89. My heart melted 90. Well 91. Tenten was the only kunoichi of the rookies that knew of Tsunade’s existence 92. She deserved something like Sakura 93. Shukaku you boss 94. Poor Tenten :( 95. Kyaaaaaa!!!! 96. Sakura and Naruto 97. Sakura and Shizune and Tsunade 98. Sakura and Tsunade 99. Sakuraaaaaa 100. Chouji doesn’t like to fight *whines 101. Don’t be a friggin asshole Asuma 102. Iruka and Naruto! My heart 103. Friggin system 104. BFF Shika and Chouji 105. Kimi to boku 8’ 106. You know… Sakura’s eyes are sad, like from then til the 4th war and then in Boruto too 107. Naruto, as much as I admire your love to the village 108. That is such a violent custom 109. And every now and then, they shout their names out of nothing 110. Like *going to the bathroom - Narutoo! Sasukee! 111. This was the moment when everything started to be fucked up 112. Kakashi. Don’t lie to Sakura 113. Jiraiya, you are underestimating the problem 114. That promise tho 115. Go Lee! 116. Yes, all of the Hokages has been very good 117. Chouji you are the best 118. That’s good! Recognizing the power of Genma 119. No, really. Chouji is a new favorite character of mine 120. If Chouji killed the first one, didn’t the seal have to break? 121. Ironic 122. Neji died like that… 123. Fucking Kishi 124. Naruto is with Iruka in 196’s cover!!! 125. 199 cover does have more sense, now that we had seen the Three Sannins 126. The Sand Brothers! 127. Kirikiri Mai! 128. Mmmmh 129. Poor Tayuya :’( 130. ShikaTema! 131. The valley 132. Weeeell 133. Take him back with full force wouldn’t do any good 134. And he did it, in the end 135. And now where’s he? 136. Not in Konoha 137. *Place to try sounds in my mind 138. All of Sasuke’s problems are because of his dad >:( 139. And well, because of the tragic childhood 140. Aaaand because of him, too 141. So, I imagine Mikoto as fanfics portrays her 142. But! Why Mikoto!! Why did you accepted the Uchiha’s revolt?! 143. Whyyyyyy!! Your friends Kushina and Minato surely didn’t want that 144. :( 145. Don’t lie Mikoto 146. Your husband is an asshole 147. Waaa!!!! That lady ;w; 148. Fucking Danzo 149. I don’t think many of classmates who had seen Naruto (mostly because nowadays it’s mainstream in my school) understand that feeling when you are only listening an opening/ending and it makes you want to cry 150. Or maybe they do but they don’t tell me and we can’t cry together! 151. Also, when I star talking about characters and everything, I don’t know how to explain why I like them so much (for example, I can’t explain to one of my best friends why I think Sakura is one of the strongest and one of my favorites. He says all she does is cry and I cry because I cannot stand for her). 152. Maybe I’m searching for those kinds of analyses that you can find on internet/Tumblr about the characters on my friends and they don’t do it 153. I don’t know 154. No 155. Now “Place to Try” starts 156. It deserves a japanes emoji 157. I can’t put into words my melancholy and nostalgia 158. 。・゜・(ノД`)・゜・。 159. You are alway late, Bakakashi 160. Mmmm 161. Naruto 162. You go Shizune! 163. It goes like this: 164. Sadness in the Valley of the End 165. Crying with Shikamaru 166. Loving Sakura’s cover 167. Crying and crying and crying with Naruto and Sakura 168. Tenten! She is such a cute girl!!!!! 169. Okay, I reached Shippuden 170. Let’s do this!

#naruto #manga #Naruto Uzumaki #Sakura Haruno #Kakashi Hatake #Sasuke Uchiha #me

[through-war-and-at-peace]

— 1. Who was the last person you held hands with? My Partner 2. Are you outgoing or shy? Little bit of both  3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my cat my partner and my best friend also LP 4. Are you easy to get along with? Yes? 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Yes  6. What kind of people are you attracted to? pretty much anyone that is a human being 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Yes 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? Pretty much always Michio Kaku 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? nahhhh  10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My roomie 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Yeahhh that’s great!” 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? “Oh shit” Nat Lefkoff “The high” Kelela “bitches broken hearts” Billie eilish “unfucktheworld” Angel Olsen “mama said” cat clyde 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? yes but only if they’re good at it  14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? ehhh not really more like law of attraction serendipity if thats the same thing then sure? 15. What good thing happened this summer? I started therapy  16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Always  17. Do you think there is life on other planets? mhmmm ohhh yeaah 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Sadly, no... 19. Do you like bubble baths? LOVE bubble baths  20. Do you like your neighbors? don’t know them but sure  21. What are you bad habits? anything that falls under the category of my addiction 22. Where would you like to travel? Dream destination is Thai land or Switzerland  23. Do you have trust issues? mmm yeah I guess I do kinda  24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Eating.. or picking my cat up and hugging him  25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Pretty much the lot of it  26. What do you do when you wake up? snooze my alarm and try like hell to sleep more but it never works  27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? nahhh 28. Who are you most comfortable around? Does my cat count? 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Yes  30. Do you ever want to get married? Yes  31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? yes it is finally.. tho I wanna chop it all off again 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Blake Lively Ryan Reynolds  33. Spell your name with your chin. assahjnlerdyhuj   :)  34. Do you play sports? What sports? lol no... does yoga count? 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? hands down TV please take it away now  36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? nope I’m pretty much extremely forward 37. What do you say during awkward silences? Welp this is awkward  38. Describe your dream girl/guy? I pretty much like everyone so....  39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? tattoo shops :) 40. What do you want to do after high school? I long since been out of HS and I guess travel? 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? honestly yes but certainly beware of being taken advantage of which is something I fall into all too often  42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? that I’m either concentrating.. or I’m fucking PISSED off and need to just be left the fuck alone and sit in my head  43. Do you smile at strangers? very awkwardly yes  44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? I know the ocean should be explored more but fucking SPAAAAACE  45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? the basic need to survive and pay for my existence otherwise I rarely can scrape my meat sack of a body out of my bed yay depression  46. What are you paranoid about? failing.. isn’t everyone? 47. Have you ever been high? on pretty much anything you could think of.. yeah 48. Have you ever been drunk? ohhhh yes I have been many moods of intoxicated  49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? Nope 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black  51. Ever wished you were someone else? ohh fuck yeah all the time don’t we all have Instagram 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? talking myself out of things because I’m afraid to fail  53. Favourite makeup brand? Thrive causemetics  54. Favourite store? Target  55. Favourite blog? My besties blog :) 56. Favourite colour? Green or yellow  57. Favourite food? Vegan sushi or burritos or pizzzzza bc I am trash  58. Last thing you ate? a hersheys kiss  59. First thing you ate this morning? a hersheys kiss... lol  60. Ever won a competition? For what? lol a dance competition when I was 19 at a house party  61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? suspended many many many times.. mainly insubordination... or never showing up to class or being mega late to class  62. Been arrested? For what? yes. shoplifting/dui/possession/possession of paraphernalia/underage drinking/truancy   63. Ever been in love? yes :) 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? I was living in Georgia I was 4 or 5 years old and my neighborhood friend was chasing me and chasing me and chasing me and I ran around the corner of our apartment complex and was hiding against the wall and he showed up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and said “wait wait I have a secret to tell you” and then proceeded to kiss me on my lips and I of course responded “ewwwwwwwww” 65. Are you hungry right now? FUCKING STARVING  66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? my real friends or on tumblr so.. yes? 67. Facebook or Twitter? I like reading tweets more than fb statuses buuut I browse FB more 68. Twitter or Tumblr? TUMBLR  69. Are you watching tv right now? nahh 70. Names of your bestfriends? Max :) Julie annnd Stanley  71. Craving something? What? success in my new job... and sushi also a fucking back massage 72. What colour are your towels? yellow and grey  72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3  73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? if my fat cat counts then yes  74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? none other than my cats  75. Favourite animal? Obviously my cat... but I’d have to say a Manta Ray  76. What colour is your underwear? tye dye  77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate 4 eva  78. Favourite ice cream flavour? I’m boring I like chocolate and peanut butter only for sweets ever  79. What colour shirt are you wearing? black  80. What colour pants? currently wearing my work scrubs so navy blue  81. Favourite tv show? Adventure time  82. Favourite movie? What dreams may come is my go to fav.. but I think that might change soon.. also fav christmas movie is a year without a santa claus and I hate christmas  83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Is this even a real question? Is there a mean girls 2?  84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? Mean girls  85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? Kevin G  86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? fuckin Marlin of course  87. First person you talked to today? virtually?.. my girlfriend... in person?.. my boss  88. Last person you talked to today? Days not over but also my girlfriend  89. Name a person you hate? Donald Trump  90. Name a person you love? my niece  91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Pretty much always donald trump 92. In a fight with someone? nope? 93. How many sweatpants do you have? 3  94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? like at least 5? 95. Last movie you watched? Suspiria  96. Favourite actress? ooof I’m awful at names of people and honestly don’t care for pop culture sorry  97. Favourite actor? see above  98. Do you tan a lot? what is sunlight?  99. Have any pets? 3 cats 2 snakes 1 leopard gecko  100. How are you feeling? hungry  101. Do you type fast? on a computer yes.. texting.. nah  102. Do you regret anything from your past? I struggle with this because I am happy where I’m at in my life and if it wasn’t for all of those shitty mistakes I’ve made I wouldn’t be here right now appreciating my existence.. but also yes I do regret a lot of actions and decisions i’ve made and how I’ve treated a lot of people but you live and you learn I guess and I’ve learned to appreciate all of those things  103. Can you spell well? Incredibly well  104. Do you miss anyone from your past? My parents  105. Ever been to a bonfire party? So many and they are some of my favorite kind of parties more parties should be held outside  106. Ever broken someone’s heart? unfortunately yes.. but this is a part of growth for everyone in life  107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes :)  108. What should you be doing? probably my job but I’m sucked into tumblr per usual  109. Is something irritating you right now? my annoying need to be perfect at mostly everything and also i’m irritated with how hungry I am  110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? uhhhh I don’t think so? I’ve never really understood someone saying that.. I mean there are things about loving someone or not being able to love someone in a certain way that can be painful sooo if that’s what it means then yes  111. Do you have trust issues? I feel like  I was already asked this question sooo yes? 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My partner  113. What was your childhood nickname? peanut or jellybean ash AJ  114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes  115. Do you play the Wii? nahh  116. Are you listening to music right now? Yaaa  117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? nahh I’m a vegetarian  118. Do you like Chinese food? ehhhh I like fried rice? but I like thai food  119. Favourite book? I guess that would have to be my yoga book “finding balance” only because its the book I most frequent otherwise I like far too many to have a favorite life changing book would be “You are a badass” 120. Are you afraid of the dark? I am if I sense some bad energy in that darkness but nah not usually  121. Are you mean? I always inform everyone upon meeting me that I am indeed an asshole but everyone always insists that that information is false.... but yeah I’m super mean  122. Is cheating ever okay? I have cheated in my relationships and no its never okay  123. Can you keep white shoes clean? nooope I like earth too much  124. Do you believe in love at first sight? nahh 125. Do you believe in true love? ehhh?  126. Are you currently bored? EXTREMELY  127. What makes you happy? Books.. photographing things... music.. my cat.. being with my friends.. eating foooood.. meditating... exercising  128. Would you change your name? totally.. just have no idea to what  129. What your zodiac sign? Aries.. can ya tell?  130. Do you like subway? Honestly... no  131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? hug em  132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my roomiee stop asking me 133. Favourite lyrics right now? hmm idk?  Lost on you by LP I guess?  134. Can you count to one million? probably?  135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I mean pretty much all of them have been dumb so I have no idea?  136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? open  137. How tall are you? 5 5 ? 5 6? no idea  138. Curly or Straight hair? wavvvvvvvyyyy 139. Brunette or Blonde? Jet black  140. Summer or Winter? Spring  141. Night or Day? Night  142. Favourite month? September  143. Are you a vegetarian? Yes  144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? ooooof.. white chocolate  145. Tea or Coffee? Espresso  146. Was today a good day? mediocre but can still find appreciation for it  147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers  148. What’s your favourite quote? If by favorite you mean favorite(s) then...

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style"  

"Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, 'You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!' said the straight tree. He said, 'I'm tall and I'm straight.' And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, 'Cut all the straight trees.' And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange." Kneller

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Nope  150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

“ With each breath may we take refuge in the living truth alone, released from coarse arrogance and subtle pride.”

(via itsgracesdrunkmametown)

[levisarelamprey]

92 Truths

Tagged by @icouldbereadingnow so thanks for that now I have something to do during class :P

LAST…

[1] drink: water. I'm pretty bland

[2] phone call: got called in for work, ugh

[3] text message: hey would you look at that Cat it was you :P

[4] song you listened to: "Like Real People Do" by Hozier because I'm sad and lonely and in a funk

[5] time you cried: 2 nights ago

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: nope

[7] been cheated on: not that i'm aware of

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: eh

[9] lost someone special: yea

[10] been depressed: livin' it

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: I'm part Russian, it takes a lot to get us drunk, so no I haven't :P plus I have a metaphorical cast iron stomach which comes in handy most of the time

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

[12] purple

[13] black

[14] red (Damn it Cat all 3 fav colors? stop copying me! xP)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yes

[16] fallen out of love: nope

[17] laughed until you cried: yes, lots of times

[18] found out someone was talking about you: uhmm... can't remember

[19] met someone who changed you: not this past year really

[20] found out who your true friends are: I pretty much knew already :)

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: is that those handful of boxes on the left of a profile page? idk i'm on tumblr now! but I have kissed someone on my FB friends list... ugh :-/

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: at least 95%

[23] do you have any pets: Taylor gave me a plant in a plastic heart as a thank-you gift for taking them to a dance, that dorky little shit xP

[24] do you want to change your name: maybe my middle name

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: I had class :P but Taylor took me and a friend who also had a birthday around the same time as mine out to lunch

[26] what time did you wake up: did I even fall asleep?

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: studying

[28] name something you cannot wait for: FOR MY BESTIE TO VISIT NEXT MONTH OMG YEA :D

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: circa 2 weeks ago?

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: for school to not try breaking me mentally every feckin' day (also I feel ya, Cat, I feel ya xD)

[31] what are you listening to right now: my Skel Path professor droning on and on about non-unions and screws

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yo my upstairs neighbor is named tom so yeah xD

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: my friend keeps bombarding me with DnD info for the group he's starting this summer and invited me to join and i'm interested but there's a ton to do right now and i'm mentally not ok right now and I don't want to do anything so please STOP WITH THE EMAILS DUDE

[34] most visited website: tumblr, youtube, FB, AO3 (bless)

[35] elementary: my dear Watson? (I'm keeping this, Cat, it was too good xD)

[36] high school: CHS

[37] college: UNH and Tufts because "grad school" ugh

[38] hair colour: dark brown w/ natural red highlights that come out in the summer and two natural dirty blonde/light brown streaks that frame my face (ok now that you know what I look like, find me in a crowd like a game of Guess Who :P)

[39] long or short hair: long

[40] do you have a crush on someone: eh

[41] what do you like about yourself?: I can't answer this question appropriately; sorry, not sorry

[42] piercings: basic earlobes

[43]blood type: O+

[44] nickname: Si/C, WAD, Whiskey, Moose (shut it, Cat, i'm only putting this in here b/c you're the only one who's confused about my real name xP)

[45] relationship status: real single, real lonely (keeping this one too Cat b/c ain't that the story of my life xD)

[46] zodiac sign: virgo

[47] pronouns: she/her

[48] fav tv show: SPN duh

49] tattoos: none yet, gotta get a job that will accept tatted docs first

[50] right or left handed: right

FIRST…

[51] surgery: tear ducts when I was a baby

[52] piercing: ears when I was...7? idk

[53] best friend: Bre... we no longer talk

[54] sport: my parents let me try pretty much everything our small town had available but I started with bowling and baseball around the same time

[55] vacation: Magic Forest?

[56] pair of trainers: uhm...is this another word for shoes? or like pokemon trainers? Obvs Ash and Misty then (true that, Cat)

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: yogurt for breakfast b/c I ran out of cereal xP

[58] drinking: water

[59] i’m about to: start class on cardiology...fun

[60] listening to: my Skel Path professor still rambling on about non-unions but now he's moved on to fracture gaps

[61] waiting for: a time when I can sleep as late as I want w/o setting an alarm b/c yo sleep deprivation is real especially when you don't do caffeine

[62] want: to feel useful and significant

[63] get married: eventually, yeah that'd be nice but seriously that ain't gonna happen damn wishful thinking (not like the SPN episode)

[64] career: well i'm gonna be >$150k in the hole for something so hopefully it's in the field i'm "trained" for

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs

[66] lips or eyes: eyes

[67] shorter or taller: tall; gimme the giants i'm tired of being the tallest person in my friends group

[68] older or younger: my age or a tick older but i'm not picky

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: hhhnnnnnnngggg arms

[71] sensitive or loud: sensitive; i'm loud enough for anybody when i'm either comfortable and/or don't give a f***

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship hands down

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: i'm too hesitant so I probably need a troublemaker to balance me out

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? nope

[75] drank hard liquor? BLOOD TYPE VODKA

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? fortunately no

[77] turned someone down: back in high school some kid I didn't know proposed to me after I was done talking w/ my Spanish teacher...needless to say based on previous answers I didn't say yes

[78] sex on first date? I have not thank Chuck

[79] broken someone’s heart? I mean maybe that kid whose proposal I rejected...?

[80] had your own heart broken? TEENAGE ANGST Dx

[81] been arrested? nope

[82] cried when someone died? yep

[83] fallen for a friend: yep :-/

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? hell to the no

[85] miracles? you mean science?

86] love at first sight? eh


[87] santa claus? sorry Tim Allen :(

[89] angels? CASTIEL IS REAL AND YOU ARE NOT CONVINCING ME OTHERWISE BECAUSE I NEED AT LEAST ONE GOOD THING IN MY LIFE

OTHER…


[90] current best friend’s name: Jen (-ny from da block)

[91] eye colour: hazel/green

[92] favourite movie: yo far too many but here are some that came immediately to mind Saving Private Ryan, Avatar, Schindler's List, EVERY HORROR MOVIE IDC HOW CRAPPY

#icouldbereadingnow #Thanks for the tag #Did this instead of pay attention in class #Vet school problems #The struggle is real #92 truths #Enjoy learning about how messed up I am

[jo-the-schmo]

Breaking... Ch. 16

Masterlist 

Part 13 Part 14 Part 15

A/N: This chapter was gonna be much longer but I relaized I should make it two parts because there is a lot going on. I hope you like it!

Wordcount: 3510

Warnings: Uh cursing I think is the only one…wow maybe bad french since I don’t speak it, I just take it sooooo

Tags!!:  @iamnotthrowingawaymyshit @renae-writes @deltablue202 @literally-melonkitty@meunicorn @favouritefighting-frenchman @demi-godamit @gum-and-chips@sweaterkitty-fluff@pinkyiger7@littlemissshortcakes@msageofenlightenment@unprofessional-inhumanbeing@fandom-panda-221@hummusandchips @spoopy-piineapple@ashwolfcub@myself-and-the-madman @sweet-fate@superwholockbooknerd526@frozengal2013@lmaodedhaha@itsmikayblr@sarmar29 @arya-durin-77 @phantastic-fandoms@hoshihime98@shinigamired @martapetrovic @robotic-space@iamnotthrowingawaymyshit2(lol) @asprinkleofmermaids @pinkyiger7 (I’m tagging you twice my friend!) @satellitesuga��@rose-coloured-nihilism

If anyone else wants to be tagged just send me an ask!

Breaking Pace

You poked at the fire, it’s just as cold this winter as it had been the last. But that only meant one things for you, Philip Hamilton’s coming home. The Christmas season has come upon everyone, this is actually the first Christmas you’ll spend with them and you’re realizing how different things are with the holiday in this era. However, some things are still the same, like the singing. You Eliza walked through town together, which was the first time you’d actually walked through the city. You didn’t do much, just picked up some things for the upcoming dinner. While you were out you saw countless numbers of people singing and you were honestly amazed at the sheer amount. New York City was still New York City, no matter what time period. You missed it, the kids kept you busy sure but you never did get used to how quiet it was so far from the hustle and bustle of city life. If you closed your eyes and listened to everything around you, you felt like you were back home. Sitting by your window sill in your third floor apartment that you shared with Anna. You always felt conflicted over whether you wanted to go back to that or not. All of your friends and family were back in the twenty-first century but…the love of your life was here. Not only him but all the new friends you’d made. There was no win, no matter what happened you’d lose something and every time you thought about that you’d stop and listen. In the city you had the best of both worlds. You liked it up there and the singing wasn’t the only thing you noticed. Presents. Oh, the bane of this world, giving people gifts. It’s always fun to do it but the process of finding them is extremely frustrating most of the time. And you were in a different position than most. Alex and Eliza always asked if you’d like compensation for working but you always turned them down. They were already giving you more than enough so there was never a need for that. Now though, you were starting to see the appeal of it. You had nothing to give, at least physically you didn’t. Which is why you made a little deal with Eliza and Angie, but that comes in to play later. You heard a stampede of footsteps trot down the stairs and looked up to find all the children rushing down them. You quickly got up and went over to them.

“Hey, hey, hey now! No running down the stairs! You guys could get hurt!” AJ had a huge grin on his face.

“I’ll go get Father and Mother! They’ll be so happy!” AJ turned to run down the hall toward the study. What the hell’s going on? Johnny noticed your confused expression and explained.

“There’s a carriage…Philip is here early!” He said joyfully. WHAT?! He’s here! He wasn’t supposed to be here until tomorrow morning! Oh God, do I look okay? Do I have ashes on my apron? Oh, why do I fucking care?! I’m a maid! You smoothed out your dress and saw Eliza and Alex rushing into the main room, AJ close behind.

“My son is back from working hard! I’m so excited!” Alex chimed in while Eliza simply jumped around happily. Everyone crowded around the door as the sound of carriage wheels got louder and louder until they stopped out front. Ugh, I love that sound! You stayed in the middle of the room. I’ll write a letter to Philip every day. I’ve kept his room clean while he was away. Wait for him. The door finally opened, you hear him but you couldn’t see him, everyone was standing in the way but you heard it, among all the words buzzing around you heard it.

“I missed you all so much!” He still sounded as chipper as ever, it made your heart skip a beat. I’m willing to wait for him… The kids parted from him, Eliza and Alex moved to stand by his side. There he was.  My Philip Hamilton… He was wearing an extra jacket because of the cold and he was wearing a hat, that was new at least. What is up with that feather though?! He stopped in his tracks when he saw you and you could almost swear time itself stopped with him. He didn’t move but a smile creeped up onto his face. You weren’t ashamed to admit that a few stray tears escaped your eyes. You took a cautious step forward, your hand reaching out, he did the same. You shook your hesitation away and busted out into a full sprint towards him. He met you halfway. You slammed into him and hugged him with all your strength.

“Come on Star, I’ve only been gone for a few months!” He joked.

“Shut up, Sunny. Let me have this!” He laid his hand on the back of your head and the other on the middle of your back.

“I’ve missed you…so much.” He whispered, you nodded into his shoulder.

“How do you think I feel?” You laughed. The two of you stood there for a moment, not moving, just taking in the pleasure of being close, which you haven’t been for almost five months. When you did pull away you looked up at his ridiculous hat and plucked it off his head.

“Are we in France now? Why on Earth would you wear this?” You tried to joke to stop yourself from crying so much, he looked at you with the same fake offense that you loved.

“Excuse you, I look wonderful in this hat! What? Do you have a thing against France now?”

“I’m not against France, I’m just no Thomas Jefferson. I swear Philly, if you do that thing we are-“

“Ah, mais Mademoiselle! Te yeux, elles avaient faire mal moi! Mon coeur, il vais te amour! Ma petite chou, s’il vous plait, qu’est que je dois te dire?”

“Philip, I have no idea what you just said to me but I think you called me a cabbage at some point and I am honestly very offended by this!”

“Your lack of culture offends me! I’ll have you know that my uncle gave this to me, so yes it is from France!”

“You have an uncle in France?” You asked.

“Well, he’s a kind of uncle. Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette…we just call him uncle Laf!” OMG I’M TAKING THIS HORSE BY THE REINS! MAKING REDCOATS REDDER WITH BLOOD STAINS LAFAYETTE!! Alexander laughed at the name.

“His name is too long; the children call him ‘Laf’ because when Philip was a toddler he couldn’t even pronounce Lafayette!” Eliza smiled nostalgically.

“Aww, I remember that!” Philip shook his head disapprovingly.

“Anyways, I look great in this hat.”

“I think it’s a little too big; you need a few more months!” You handed it back to him. Your face is too nice to hide it under a hat, how else am I supposed to count your freckles? Philip raised an eyebrow to match his sly smile.

“Oh? So I have a nice face? And what was that? You count my freckles?” Damn it! I need to stop saying my thoughts out loud!

“Um, no?” You tried to deny.

“Uh huh, sure you don’t.” He chuckled.

“Ugh, I have to help prepare for dinner!”

“You can deny it all you want but I’m not the only one who sees it!” He jabbed, you rolled your eyes and started to walk towards the kitchen. You always felt weird around the other maids since none of them lived on the property, since they had their own families, and they were all much older than you. The oldest one looked like she was in her mid to late fifties but you thought it would be rude to ask.  Just as you approached the door, Alex called out to you. You turned to see him jogging over to you, holding some sort of envelope in his hand. He stopped and held it to you. You took it and realized it was a letter it looked off to you, most likely because you couldn’t tell who it was from.

“I just checked the mail, it might from Philip before he left.” He chuckled before leaving to back and talk with his son. You looked back at it and you were sure it wasn’t from Philip. You popped off the seal and looked at the letter inside.

Dear Y/N,

             Hello, it’s been a while. I haven’t been able to send letters due to how busy I have been. If you could not tell already, this is Rachel. Cato and I are doing wonderful, busy but wonderful nonetheless. We have set ourselves up a home close to New Jersey, I hope to see you soon but as I said I have been far too busy to do much of anything. But with that in mind, I have good news! I’ve recently given birth to two wonderful little boys. John Hercules Spencer and Alexander Titan Spencer. My surname is Sky because of my being a bastard but I went by Spencer for years to hide that. My children will have to do the same in order to thrive in this judgmental world but I am hopeful. Someday, things will be easier for them. Cato has lovingly dubbed them Herc and Titan, they’ll be wonderful no matter who the end up being. Did you catch the name? Titan, it’s you my dear friend! Titania, Titan, sounds quite nice don’t you think? I believe so. They are truly beautiful; they have their father’s skin but my eyes. Actually, oddly enough they both have a mess of freckles across their faces. They remind me very much of Philip and Angie because of that. I remember Alexander, Mr. Hamilton, told me that my father had those freckles. I do not remember him much but that I do. I’m glad my children share something with him because I know my father would be very proud of me. Not a single time did Alexander talk about my father and not mention his thoughts on me. He truly did love my mother; he was married because of his family. Even though my father only knew me for a short time, he adored me. I feel as though somehow he knew; he knew I would be the one to carry out his legacy. And I shall, I plan to speak out against slavery, for the sake of my love and my children. I will do anything for them and these atrocities need to be put to rest. I’d prefer it done peacefully but that does not seem to be an option, although I will try. I wish you could write back to me, do not fear though, I will try to see you as soon as I can. That probably will not be for some time though with how troublesome my children already seem to be. They don’t seem to cry but they never sleep and like to keep their poor mother up all night. They are so happy to be in this world; I shall always be here for them. My mother couldn’t be around so I swear I shall be for them. I’ll do whatever it takes, probably make a million mistakes. But I’ll make the world safe and sound for them. They will come of age with this young nation. I’ll bleed and fight for them, make it right for them. I will lay a strong enough foundation, I’ll pass it onto them and give the world to them. And let me tell you now, they will blow us all away someday. I cannot wait for you to meet them. Until time allows us to meet once more.

Your friend, R.S

             You were incredibly happy; you were so glad that she was well. And she has children now! The idea that those kids will face hardship made you sad but you knew it would work out for the best. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve and you couldn’t have asked for a better gift than that. You wondered what these next few days will bring.

…

             This is it! Oh god I’m nervous! Alex and Eliza called you all down on Christmas morning. You, Eliza and Angie have been practicing for a whole month, you were so glad that they wanted to help you with this. All the children ran into the main room, holding cushions and using them to sit on the floor. Eliza decided to have all the children be given their presents first. Your favorite reaction was Johnny’s when he got new sheet music. He literally cried. You thought you should go next but Alex stopped you.

“Actually Titania, Eliza and I have something for you, the children do as well. Do you mind if we all go first?” He asked.

“Oh, you all didn’t have to get me anything! Oh that’s so sweet!” You couldn’t help but give a sheepish smile. They really didn’t have to do that! Johnny was the first to stand up. He hid his face in his cravat and made his words muffled.

“I…um, mama told me what your gift is so I have an idea for that…” He sat back down and you were already intrigued, so was everyone else. Before you could question him about what that meant Jamie stood and handed a large sheet of paper.

“Turn it around.” He instructed and you did so, you couldn’t believe your eyes. You saw a black and white sketch, your own face staring back at you. It was a beautifully done portrait, it must’ve taken him days to do.

“Oh, Jamie! I love it! It’s beautiful! I’m so proud of you!” You pulled him into a hug and ruffled his hair. He snorted and once you pulled away, AJ was standing with a proud smile on his face.

“I have to go grab mine! I’ll be right back!” He ran out of the room and into the dining room. You raised an eyebrow and you could Eliza holding back a giggle. He soon came running back into the room, holding some kind of tray. He approached you and you finally saw what it was. It was a small cake; you’ve only seen it once or twice in this era but not had it. Although Alex did say that John Adams probably won the election with cake bribery. “Cooking is science so I thought it would be the best decision to make this for you! I’m proud of the whipped cream myself!” He smiled widely.

“You…you used your talents for good instead of evil! AJ this is the best gift you could ever give me! I love it!” He handed you the tray and told you to try it later. Angie walked over to her parents and put her hands on her hips.

“I helped with this last year! So I hope you like it!” Both her and Eliza went over to you and locked arms with you.

“What’s going?” You asked nervously.

“You’ll have to come with us to get it! We’ll be right back boys!” Eliza cooed. They lead you down the hallway and into Alex and Eliza’s room, they closed the door behind you. Eliza walked over to her wardrobe and opened the door, quickly pulling some things out of it. Your eyes widened. “Mulligan said he took your measurements last year and decided to make something for you. Alexander, Angie and I all helped with the design. We think you’ll like it!”

“Put it on, put it on!” Angie jumped excitedly.

“Yes, undress please. I am very eager to see how this looks! I shall help you put it on.”

“Eliza, you don’t have to do that! I’m the maid here!” You interjected, she waved your comment off.

“Nonsense! You are a very dear friend and I consider you my own daughter so I will help you with this!” She insisted, you eventually gave in and undressed, allowing Eliza to help you with an actual corset.

‘Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!” You let out as she tightened the laces to the back.

“You haven’t gotten the chance to wear a proper dress in a long time, don’t worry you’ll get used to it again.” I’ve never actually worn a real corset Eliza! She finished putting all the garments on you and helped you step into the cover. You pulled your arms through the sleeves and Eliza buttoned the back for you. You could feel the weight from the ruffling gathered up around your lower back.

“Okay, are you ready to see it?” Angie asked sweetly. You nodded and the led you over to Eliza’s full length mirror, once you saw yourself, you froze.

“Originally, it was meant to be a ball gown, but Alexander said that it might suit you better to wear something more casual.” Eliza informed. The dress was, as Eliza said, very casual. You could see someone wearing this to go visit a friend or to have tea, but it was nothing short of beautiful.

“I picked out the color! It’s the same color I wore when we first met!” Angie said proudly. It was a soothing lavender color with black and dark purple floral patterns along the trim, fading out into the actual skirt and bodice. The dress stopped at your ankles so you could see your old, dark boots peeking out from under it. The sleeves stopped at your elbows and the neckline was a little low but not so much that you felt uncomfortable. The actual heavy ruffles were the most intricate part, the fabric started at your stomach but draped down to your knees and came up to sit on your lower back, a waterfall of purple falling out of it.

“You look gorgeous, TT!” Angie exclaimed.

“I might want to keep this dress under lock and key, don’t want any boys trying to pester you now do we? Oh, what am I saying? You’re always beautiful! This dress just shows you what we all see!” Eliza commented. Beautiful? You certainly felt it, you felt like you could dazzle a room full of people. “Oh! Let me take that head cloth, that will really complete this!” She untied the cloth keeping your hair out of your face and handed it to Angie.  There was a collective silence for a moment as Eliza and Angie nodded in approval.

“Come on! We have to show everyone!” Angie tugged on your arms, before you could even get a word in, they were already pushing out of the room.

“Alright, I shall go out first and introduce the two of you!” Eliza skipped down the hall and into the main you room while Angie and yourself stopped at the archway, hiding behind the wall so no one would see you. From in the room you heard Eliza. “Everyone! I have something I would like all of you to see!”

“What exactly is going on here mother?” You heard Philip ask. Angie held in a squeal.

“Patience Philip! Now everyone, give it up for the Hamilton girls! Titania and Angie!” You heard Alex and give a short ‘woohoo!’ and some applause. The Hamilton girls? Before you could think about that any more, Angie was leading you out, strutting into the room. You saw everyone look at the two of you and they cheered, everyone except Philip. For a second you worried that he might not like the dress but as got closer to him, you saw the look in his eyes. He was star-struck. By the time you made it back to where you were in the group originally, Philip was staring up at you from his seat, eyes wide and mouth open slightly. “These girls are the most beautiful roses this family could ever hope to see!” Eliza smiled.

“Yeah! We’re beautiful but if anyone tries to mess with us, they get the thorns!” Angie stuck out her tongue. You couldn’t help but giggle at the statement paired with her enthusiasm. AJ leaned over toward Philip and snapped his fingers in his face, brining Philip out of his dreamlike state. He shook his head and blinked a few times.

“What happened? Where am I? What year is it?” Philip joked, a blush spreading across his face. He stood up stepped in front of you, scratching his cheek nervously. “You…you um, you look really…Wow…” He said passionately.

“Wow? Is that the proper adjective?” You asked, trying to ignore how hot your face felt with him staring at you. Why does he have to be so adorable?

“It is now…Because wow, you look incredible… Although I do have a complaint.” He crossed his arms and you raised an eyebrow

“Oh you do now?” You asked sarcastically.

“Yes, I don’t like your hair in your face. It makes it hard to see your eyes!”

#hamilton #hamilton the musical #hamilton fanfic #hamilton an american musical #hamilton au #time travel au #alexander hamilton #eliza schuyler #angelica schuyler #mulligan #lafayette #John Laurens #thomas jefferson #james madison #Philip Hamilton #philip x reader #Philip is a sweet bean #CAN WE GET BACK TO POLITICS