#being trans is actually a symptom of adhd .
About to fall asleep ramble time, this has been kicking around in my brain for a bit and I need to get some form of this thought out
I was diagnosed with ADHD and gender dysphoria one day after the other back in August. Extremely stereotypically zillenial of me, I know. Handling both of these has dramatically improved my quality of life. yes yes insert discourse about how much you need to have dysphoria as a diagnosis, it's just a tool for the medical system that's ultimately meaningless, that's not what this is about.
There's one thing that was really, really weird about the experience of getting care for both of these.
Most treatment and public talk of transition and motivations to transition are about misery. How much despair your birth sex gives you and how gender affirming care is the only stopgap against suicide (oftentimes, used as a barrier to entry that it should only be given when it's at the suicidal point). How crushing dysphoria is.
In contrast, most of the public perception of ADHD is this cutesy, "omg look I'm so quirky" kind of thing. People talk of ADHD "superpowers" and how neat it is to have hyperfixations (I'm low key starting to dislike that word, even though it's an accurate description of many things- it's very overused).
My actual experience has been almost exactly the opposite.
I absolutely had gender dysphoria, and still do, and misery associated with being AMAB. But is that what defines my trans experience? No, and in fact, it feels like a more incidental blip in it. My trans experience has mostly been defined by joy, by feeling my mind and body slowly make me more and more content with my default existence day after day. And the exploration of it all! The social roles, the romantic dynamics, the friendship dynamics, even small aesthetics like clothes and makeup, and again, the body and mood changes. It's incredible and it brings me joy so much of the time. That, more than anything, has defined my trans experience.
In contrast.... ADHD has objectively made nearly every aspect of my life more miserable. Working with my therapist and my pysch, as well as feeling what it's like to be properly medicated, have shown me extremely well how much the constant feelings of misery I always seemed to have were caused by ADHD. ADHD means being unable to receive a baseline level of dopamine to function under normal circumstances, so your brain starts looking for any way it can get new sources. And wouldn't ya know it, novel stimuli are a perfect way to do that. Keep in mind that dopamine isn't just "the pleasure molecule" it's a neurotransmitter with a broad range of functions. If you don't have ADHD, or even if you do, I want you to think about how miserable of an existence that is. Your default state is depression and inability to do things. It has been for me for most of my life. Additionally, anxieties creep into your head and distract you far more easily. You're less functional. You can't do simple things most of the time. You're distracted and have anxiety spikes easily. Continuous tasks are hard. And day in, day out... You are miserable. Almost constantly.
Oh also, you're easily addicted to extreme novel stimuli. For me, it was self harm. And when that stopped working... Well, I was in a state of mostly background depression that was only punctuated by spikes of massive, overwhelming anxiety that my brain hooked itself on. At a certain point, I just wanted it to end, by any means necessary.
It's been almost ten years since that day, and at this point I can genuinely say that I'm glad I'm still here.
But it wasn't dysphoria that did that (it contributed a bit, but still wasn't the biggest factor). Or a depressive disorder. Or bipolar. Or whatever the big, more "scary" mental illnesses or neurodivergencies are. They tried to treat me for some of them, and it ended horribly. My symptoms fit mixed presentation ADHD perfectly, including my physiological response to stimulants. They don't fit anything else. I likely don't have any strong comorbidities, unless you count the symptom-level anxiety and depression. ADHD did all of that to me. The "cute and quirky" one.
By the time I got around to a diagnosis, my pysch was astounded that I made it as far as I did with symptoms as severe as mine. Tackling ADHD has removed so much misery from my life, it's indescribable. Adderall has been the only thing that has ever actually gotten rid of my constant anxiety.
It's not fucking cute. Keeping with this being the flip side to my dysphoria, I do try to keep it light most of the time, and I join in on all of the classic "whoopsie doopsie my ADHD" trains and jokes. You don't have to stop making those, hell, they're fun. There are cute and funny parts to having ADHD, and ways it's made my personality what it is. But don't forget that this is also something that makes people genuinely suffer well beyond the "oopsie I'm such a procrastinator!!!" Type thing.
Idk where this thought is going. It's just kind of an observation that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. So uh. Hope it at least generates discussion? Feel free to add your experiences if you think it'll help you. But fuck I need to sleep lol
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Well, since tumblr randomly ate my pinned... -_-
About us:
We're the Stars system, a massively polymultiple and polyfragmented mixed origin DID system. We consider ourselves an infinite system.
Our pronouns are fae/it unless specified otherwise. When referring to multiple of us, you are welcome to use fae&/it& or you& for clarity. If you are up for it, we would also appreciate second person neopronouns being tried out (substituting neos for 'you'), and sometimes we use first person neopronouns (substituting neos for 'I/we')
Some of our labels include (we use general/umbrella labels in places to indicate that we use many of those kind of labels):
(disability)
POTS
MCAS
likely ME/CFS
chronic pain (likely fibromyalgia)
other unspecified chronic illness symptoms
physically disabled with mobility disabilities
anxiety
PTSD and C-PTSD
DID w/strong dp/dr symptoms
schizophrenia/psychotic
cluster B spectrum disorder, comprehensive subtype (we meet the diagnostic criteria for all four cluster B disorders and our symptoms are heavily interrelated)
OCD
autism
ADHD
MADD
OLD (a medically unrecognized disorder)
neurodivergent and neurodisabled
cognitive disabilities
cripple
mad
often housebound, sometimes bedbound (less so now that we have a wheelchair)
low to mid masking
low to mid functioning
mid to high support needs
(system)
traumaendo mixed origin
infinite system
aside from traumagen and endo, spirigenic, schizogenic, bordergenic, paragenic, tulpagenic, and more
(queer)
Abro (and use lesbian, gay, queerhet, bi, pan, omni, and mspec and straight lesbian/gay labels)
transneufemmasc, transfluid
intersex
altersex/salmacian
pangenderfluid, kingender, xenogender, agender, maverique, intergender, multigender, androgyne, and others
faegender
butch and femboy
queer
demigrey aroace and grey apl among others
lesboy/turigirl
radinclus
(other)
alterhuman
otherkin (especially fae/changeling, but pankin across the whole system)
otherhearted
copinglink and linktypes
hearthome
choicekin
constelic
demihuman and nonhuman both
endel
humankin
flickers
hivemind
multiversal
reality shifters
nonperson
We are pro-endo and pro-tulpa, anti-psych and anti-phys, pro-mad-liberation and cripplepunk inclusionists and coined unitypunk. We are kff safe and do not believe ANY identity that someone genuinely identifies as, that is not specifically based on intentional harm to others, can be inherently or ontologically harmful. We are proship/profic and ourselves are survivors of a specific kind of SA that cannot be directly spoken about here. We are also anti-forced-recovery and don't believe in consensus reality.
We also do not believe it is okay to make fun of reality shifters just because it's the current acceptable target, and find it especially hypocritical coming from otherkin. Even if it was always harmful, the appropriate response would be genuine, non-patronizing concern, offering resources, and then backing the fuck off if people can't or won't "recover". That being said, most "anti" sentiment in this context is heavily sanist and centered around the idea of a "correct" consensus reality. Not trusting people to be right about their own subjective experiences is both sanist and just generally an asshole move.
We believe transandrophobia exists, that everyone can be affected by transmisogyny and that TMA/TME labels are reductive and often bioessentialist and intersexist in usage, and that exorsexism and the above are all serious issues both within the trans community and in society as a whole. We support transunity. We also are pro-complicated and conflicting labels, such as mspec lesbian/gay, straight lesbian/gay, transmasc lesbians, and lesgay/lesboy/turigirl labels.
We are transhumanist and support bodily autonomy and good faith identity with NO. EXCLUSIONS. If you think this doesn't apply to you, I promise it still probably actually does. We do our best to judge people on their actions, not their thoughts, feelings, or anything else that occurs internally. We also don't believe any body modifications or exercise of personal bodily autonomy is wrong.
We also believe it's not wrong to be unhealthy, to refuse or be unable to recover, and that healthism is ableism. Disabled people (including neurodivergent people) are the most reliable authority on their own experiences. Also, if someone says they were called a slur, you should believe them, and they have a right to reclaim it regardless of if you think they have the "right" identity (outside of perhaps racial/ethnic slurs, which I feel is not our place to comment on). Slur, label, and flag discourse is all bullshit cop behavior and y'all need to stop it.
There's probably more that we'll come back and add later, but for now, here's a new pinned.
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I remember seeing someone say that the only questions you should be able to ask in order to correctly identify real gender dysphoria is to ask “do you feel like your life/sense of self is in poor quality” and “do you think any of those would improve if you were the opposite sex”.
Combined with the questions I’ve seen in another ask about asking why people don’t feel like they were the sex they were born as + why you don’t feel masculine/feminine enough and who said so, I feel like there would be a lot less misdiagnoses of gender dysphoria and less “trans children”.
I’ve also wanted to ask, why do you think that there isn’t any medication for true gender dysphoria yet (besides money)? One of the things I’ve read actually made me think that, if it’s classified as a mental illness, then why isn’t there any research for creating a medication for it (like bipolar depression, ADHD, etc.)?
I feel like maybe those are the only types of questions being asked considering the amount of people identifying as trans now. It's a shame because since the treatment for gender dysphoria is so drastic and life altering it's really dangerous to have such vague qualifiers for determining if someone is actually experiencing it.
About a month or so ago I responded to someone else who was also asking why I think there might not be medications for it or more attempts to create one so I'll just repeat what I said then. There’s a lot of reasons I think could contribute to that. First, mental illnesses are hard to treat and often a medication doesn’t do much other than alleviate symptoms. Therapy is probably the best option for any type of dysphoria in my opinion because dysphoria can go away and most of the time does if you actually seek therapy and treatment rather than “affirmation.” I’ve seen studies done on detransitioners and the main reason given as to why they detransitioned was they realized their dysphoria was related to “other issues” which is something people typically find out in therapy. Another reason I think there’s not much headway in a medication for gender dysphoria is financial incentive. Medical and gender affirming institutions get a big check for every one child who transitions and they’re more interested in making money than anything else. It’s not healthcare at this point. It’s just activism.
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Hi, I'm a system and have mutliple other disorders. All "cis" if you will. I'm not here to shame anyone but I would genuinely like to know how this makes sense to you? I want to know your persepctive because I don't understand and maybe I can get some more insight from someone else. I feel invalidated when people talk about endogenic and "transsystems" because my disorder is not an aesthetic and I had to go through so much trauma that turned me into who I am today and not in a good way. It's painful and it hurts when I see people making fun of my experience by saying they've acquired their system "naturally" even though that's not how the disorder works (By "making fun of" I mean that's how it feels). It also feels transphobic to hijack trans wording such as "cis" and "trans" even though disorders are different to gender. Gender is a social construct and disorders are just not. They can't go away, they can't change. I can never get my childhood back and I struggle to be able to be myself with my Autism and ADHD, I find it hard to keep relationships from the immense anxiety I've gotten from my CPTSD symptoms and the chronic mistrust I've had to develop to survive. I guess I just want to ask why? Why you believe in these things? It's not that I hate you, I don't, I genuinely want to understand because currently I feel hurt, and upset, and made fun of in a way I've never felt before and I just want to know the logic and reasoning behind this kind of stuff before I make a judgement.
This is an old post, so it's entirely possible you've already made up your mind on these issue now. But either way, I decided I might as well answer now
Personally, I feel these are different subjects.
First...
Disorders Are a Social Construct
Not in the same way as gender or race, mind you.
Rather, disorders are bureaucratic labels tacked onto symptoms. These symptoms may or may not actually be related.
We live in a universe with DID and OSDD-1 are considered separate disorders. But it doesn't have to be like that. Maybe in another universe, they would be the same disorder.
Or, maybe in one universe, DID wouldn't exist and OSDD-1a and 1b would be two separate disorders, with DID just being the comorbidity between these two things.
Maybe your ADHD would actually be branded as a type of autism, or autism could still be considered a classification of Schizophrenia. Many psychiatrists actually dislike the disorder model, and would prefer focusing on individual symptoms instead.
Also, some disorders can go away, and some disorders can change. Well, the diagnosis will still remain, but that's more another matter of the bureaucracy. If you're depressed for two weeks, you get a diagnosis. Then the symptoms can go away for 30 years, but you'll retain that diagnosis forever.
I Think You Can Experience Dysphoria For Anything
The reason I feel how I do on transX identities is because I've seen people in the plural community with memories of living completely different lives. People who feel uncomfortable with every aspect of the body they inhabit.
I've personally felt inadequate for lacking the intelligence and education of my source.
I know some who feel phantom limb-like experiences relating to parts they never had like wings and tails.
And psychologists have acknowledged and researched BIID, where people will feel like they should have a certain physical condition.
And so I totally believe it's possible to have dysphoria for anything, including mental conditions you don't have. It doesn't make rational sense why someone would want certain conditions, but the brain rarely makes rational sense and it would be a mistake to assume it needs to.
Endogenic Systems Are Different
I don't believe endogenic systems are a result of or related to dysphoria at all, outside of transplurals.
I believe endogenic plurality is a naturally occurring condition. We can see this in the ease of which people are able to divide themselves into parts in Internal Family Systems. The autonomy of imaginary friends as children. And the fact that many unrelated cultures around the world have reported nonpathological spiritual possession through history.
Most endogenic plurality isn't people who feel like they need to be plural or feel dysphoric for being a singlet. It's just a different experience that's been largely ignored by psychology until the past decade.
I've been collecting studies on these various phenomena here:
Personally, I find the imaginary friend studies most interesting. In the past, it was assumed that imaginary friends were purely controlled by the child hosts, but more evidence keeps stacking up showing that this isn't the case and that these are natural fully autonomous agents.
These experiences have been ignored by psychiatry for a long time because they just weren't pathological, and they were hidden enough that psychiatry could dismiss them as just pretend or fake.
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G-d forbid we talk about the negative mental aspects of T, like how for some guys for various reasons it actually can make them more easily angered, or alter/worsen adhd symptoms, trigger latent psychotic symptoms, or change the course of substance addiction. Some, not all, of those happened to me -- not saying which -- and I'm still fully without regret because they are simply what would have happened had I been AMAB and undergone a testosterone puberty. Hell, they would have happened at an earlier age when I wouldn't have had the resources to cope. I am dealing with them as a man and that is ultimately better for my mental state than being forced to be something I'm not.
I am severely mentally ill and still in SO much better straits emotionally than I was as a moderately mentally ill girl. The fact that we can't talk about this stuff, because if we tried we'd have hordes of vultures flocking to us as the "proof T is dangerous", means that the ones it happens to never see other people talk about it and assume they're just fucked. I worried it meant I wasn't really trans because all you see online is trans men talking about how it cured their everything -- because that's all we feel safe talking about lest we become a symbol of irreversable damage. Even now I need to add like four times that I don't regret anything and I'm a happier person.
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Oooo hey gravity falls fan!
Do you have any headcanons about any characters? I would love to know!
i am in fact a gravity falls fan!! i don’t have much art for them up on here but i do have a good few drawings on my instagram!
i made a headcanons note maybe a year ago that i never actually shared anywhere, so here’s that :)
stanley pines
- aromantic
- pronouns: he/him
- hates french people (is it a joke? we don’t know)
- has periodic nightmares
- has adhd
- prefers dogs
- atheist. bc of the trauma
- very dangerous driver. in addition to breaking like every law ever he has horrible tunnel vision. very bad at paying attention to his surroundings and often spaces out on the most insignificant objects and ends up almost crashing (or actually crashing)
- like mabel, he used to always lose to stanford in logic based games like checkers and chess. unlike mabel, he always beat stanford at ping pong and feels very happy for himself for it. (part of this is because stanford’s motor skills as a child/teenager were awful.)
stanford pines
- gay asexual
- pronouns: he/him
- has periodic nightmares
- is autistic
- played piano as a child
- struggled with self-harm as a teenager
- forgets basic life functions (e.g. sleeping and eating)
- prefers cats
- ngl ford gives asthma vibes LMAO like my man has horrible lungs
- nervous breakdowns. fiddleford calms him down by taking ford’s wrists in his hands
- agnostic only because the idea of punching god in the face gives him catharsis. still celebrates jewish holidays with stan & the kids
- even worse driver than stan. somehow. every bit of unexpressed anger he has gets expressed when he drives. wants every other car on the road to drop off the face of the earth. unhinged man that then turns around and says “what. i’m not a bad driver.” during the portal years fiddleford demands control of the car during trips.
- yeah he gets bullied as a kid for his fingers but he also gets bullied for EVERY autistic trait/symptom/display he has. it’s true he told me so
fiddleford mcgucket (1982)
- biromantic heterosexual* (see footnote. please.)
- pronouns: any
- likes to grow plants - idea credit to the fic ‘not one to forget’ on ao3! read it if u haven’t, you will have no regrets
- prefers neither dogs nor cats, likes other random animals better (cough. raccoons. cough)
- has to remind stanford to perform his basic life functions
- my mcgucket backupsmore headcanon is that he was shooting for a scholarship (or something similar to what stanford was going for) for a slightly less prestigious school than WCT and then when he showed his project to the scout people and it like blew up and hit one of them in the face and so needless to say they did not accept him
- he hates being called stupid more than anything
- he has anxiety. and yes that’s also pre-and-during-portal-years. the guy is nervous about everything. he nervous stims. chews his nails pulls at his hair shaking hands and legs the whole deal
- he doesn’t really talk about it either. he marinates. he marinates and ford developed a sense for it
- raised christian, really not that into it. has more important things to do
mabel pines
- sexuality: pansexual, or omnisexual. haven’t made up my mind yet but she’s definitely mspec!
- pronouns: she/her
- is she cis or trans?? who knows i can’t decide
- absolutely was into loom bracelets when they were popular
- also silly bandz
- 5’8” when she’s grown up. dipper is 5’7”.
- she collects squishmallows and/or beanie babies. they all have names. they take up half of her bed.
i have like nothing for dipper besides the classic transhet headcanon & him being shorter than mabel 😭 mystery trio phase hit me real hard ok
* don’t use this post for discourse. “bUt ThE SpLiT aTtRaCtIOn mOdEL iS onLy FoR aSpEc PeOpLe” too bad. i’m aroace and i say it’s *fine* who *cares*
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Pinned Post Time
He/him
Seth or Set or Setka or Jean-Set. I have a lot of nicknames
ADHD haver/survivor (depending on your POV)
Over 18
Linguistics + Religious Studies double major, on accident
In order to answer the "are you white or not" question we need to discuss the construct of whiteness as it applies to Central Asia in your country of origin and frankly neither of us has time for that
DNIs get ignored but for the record, I'm pro-MOGAI, pro-endo, pro-trans, pro-intersex rights, pro-self diagnosis (even if you don't get it right, turning to your provider and going 'I have the following symptoms' is useful), pro-whatever group of lesbians is getting dragged on tumblr today be they split attraction model users or ace or bi lesbians or what have you, radical inclusionist, you don't need dysphoria to be trans, respectability politics are worthless, men aren't inherently evil actually, pro-interracial couples because no matter what antis say people are equals actually, and pro-kink.
Sometimes I'm ignoring you. Sometimes tumblr genuinely eats asks. I have asks on my main that have been there, hovering, invisible, for a year. I don't know why.
If you start a conversation, you do not get to cry about people replying to what you posted publicly where anyone could reblog and reply. Pretending people are "harassing" you for replying is sad. Some of us have real problems.
If you use the "haha me no read reading iz bad lmao" excuse, you have forfeited all right to being taken seriously, not just by adults, but by children.
Depiction isn't synonymous with endorsement.
Shipping isn't activism.
Fandom isn't activism.
One real person is worth the death of every blorbo you and I hold dear put together.
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It's late at night, but I have an angry thought. I find it extremely upsetting just how completely the online discussion of mental illness is no longer actually about the mentally ill, especially the most at risk.
Discussions of cluster b disorders only exist to demonize those disorders now. To identify a group of people who can have a very hard time coping and healing and readjusting and take language associated and basically redefine them and their experiences as being abuser disorder.
People will invoke actual symptoms in bad faith so frequently as an excuse to shift social conversations that aren't about them to themselves that a lot of people no longer know the words' medical definition. Hardly anyone can give me the actual definition of spoon theory or compassion fatigue because they don't know what those symptoms mean. And the only thing they're using them to mean is "I'm tired and don't want to put in the energy to engage with others' problems" which is not the fucking same thing.
People will do a watching Tiktoks level of mental health research, self diagnose a disorder, and then become a brand new well of misinformation of that disorder. And you can hardly point out that these people are spreading misinformation and a watered down version of a disorder that can be easily explained in other ways because you'll get accused of fakeclaiming and being an ableist. And actually I don't think it's ableist to point out mental health words mean what they mean.
A lot of people think they can't be ableist about the mentally ill if they have a disorder, so they'll slap adhd or autistic in their bio to try and appear mental health friendly. And whether or not they are adhd or autistic doesn't matter because they are still ableist and are trying to convince you they can't be.
One of the most shitty things ever said to me (aside from classic anon "kill yourself" asks) was someone who had read my comic on identifying as bigender, went to my blog and saw I identified as having a disordered, plural identity (and I know they went to my blog to dig this up because it was not mentioned on the post with the comic) and told me being that mentally ill meant I was too traumatized to identify as trans and much less bigender and that I was probably just a butch girl who should keep my voice down. And that is completely infantilizing and insulting and ableist. And that person had "autistic" proudly displayed in their bio.
The conversation of mental health online is dominated by ableists who just want to use mental health terms they don't understand to avoid criticism. And that shouldn't be a boogeyman that causes people to never trust anyone with a disorder in their bio again because that's ableist as fuck too. But god is it disheartening.
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random ducktales headcanons in no particular order
you know how some kids make up imaginary friends to blame for their mistakes? that's how phooey was born.
the triplets realize very young that trying to pin the blame on each other will only result in all of them getting grounded, so. it's so sad their secret fourth brother will explode if anyone else besides them looks at him which is why uncle donald can never see them :punch: :pensive: (<- that was dewey's idea ofc)
board games are a relatively easy way to entertain kids and pass the time for free, so donald ended up buying a lot from secondhand stores and garage sales.
huey loves strategy games. he has a junior woodchuck badge in chess playing! when he moves into the mansion he's excited to find similar games like go and shogi (also he's just, really happy to finally have someone give him a run for his money in chess)
dewey likes charades, but only when he's the one acting. he also likes pit! (that's a card game where you have to yell a lot XD)
louie's favorite game is candyland, although that usually turns into "try to catch louie switching out the cards" than actual playing. louie swears up and down that he'd never cheat and it's not his fault dewey never won.
webby's favorite game is something totally obscure you've never heard of. she's also a fan of cluedo :). (it takes like, a week for the kids to realize clue and cluedo are the same thing)
all the kids are trans (source: dude trust me)
donald sitting down at the parent-teacher conference and looking at the list of adhd symptoms the teacher handed him: wdym, these are all normal kid things? i mean, my sister was like this.
(cut to ten years later) della: wow dewey really takes after his mom doesn't he ^_^
donald: haha. hahaha. ha. about that.
SPEAKING OF PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCES. donald is a pta mom you can't convince me otherwise. one day he's going to show helen what real homemade brownies taste like. as soon as he doesn't burn them.
louie knows how to pickpocket and is fairly good at it, he just doesn't because the first time he got caught donald looked so upset and he doesn't wanna relive that again.
high school dewey tries to force himself into dating bc he thinks that's a requirement to being a "cool, beloved, popular teen" (it is according to the movies!) Anyways he quickly realizes he's miserable and would rather walk across glass shards than kiss anyone. (then he learns about aromanticism and asexuality.)
huey used to have pretty bad meltdowns on an almost regular basis, until donald signed the boys up for jr woodchucks in kindergarten (mostly just to get them out of the house for a while) and something Clicked. finally, structure! routine! a book of set rules and expectations! (it's not like he magically stopped having meltdowns overnight but it helped him feel less overwhelmed, yk?)
feel free to add on if you have any :3
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Hi! This is a personal question, so absolutely no pressure to answer if you aren’t comfortable, but I saw your post about how taking T is affecting your mood and ADHD, and was wondering if you feel like it amplifies your ADHD? My ADHD got much worse after starting T, but I’ve always been unsure if it was because of T or not because I’ve never seen anyone mention a correlation before and my doctor never mentioned anything to me about that being a possibility. Anyway, I was just curious because I’ve found my symptoms of both ADHD and Autism to be a lot stronger since starting T and idk, I guess I just want to know if I’m not alone in that.
Hope you’re having a nice day :)
So, it's complicated.
I don't personally think T has made my ADHD worse, but some trans men have ABSOLUTELY had that happen to them, so it's definitely real.
In my case, the positive mood boost from T actually makes it easier for me to focus, because I find it easier to focus when I'm not feeling horribly anxious and low and depressed and like nothing in my life is good lol.
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By: Laura Funk... God
Published: Mar 8, 2022
There’s a certain type of girl or woman who reaches for the transgender or nonbinary identity label. We’ve all seen this girl, parented this girl, and some of us like me ARE this person. This is the type of girl I refer to as The Archetypal FTM or more appropriately The Sensitive, Quirky, Artistic Weird Girl.
This is not an exhaustive list of every FTM, or a perfect encapsulation of every single person who adopts a trans or nonbinary label, but this is an archetype I have lived as, and studied from my time in the trans and detrans communities, and from speaking with parents and mentoring teenagers. This archetype is who I’ve seen most attracted to the trans and nonbinary role, and they’re all too similar in their traits for it to be a coincidence.
Note: Many of these Archetypal FTM characteristics also describe girls and women on the Autism Spectrum. It is common knowledge in clinics, research, and community, that many young FTMS are diagnosed with, or suspected to have autism. It stands to reason that much of FTM culture is actually integrated autistic culture, or general neurodivergent culture, as many psychological issues like depression, anxiety, ADHD, Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD are comorbid diagnosis in this population.
It can be tricky to find the right diagnosis or label for the presenting symptoms or traits in populations with complex divergences from social norms, which is why many of these girls and women adopt multiple, often abstract, gender identity labels, including those based in autism or mental health disorders to describe themselves.
Some, like myself, view many of these labels or diagnosis as unnecessary to understanding the human condition, which is why I prefer to encapsulate a multitude of clustering human experiences under the handy label of “archetype” and have broken down this archetype into its 4 main categories.
Note: For the purpose of this essay, “archetype” is defined as:
“A very typical example of a certain person or thing.”
I have defined the 4 main categories here from Miriam Webster as:
Sensitive:
“Quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.”
And/or:
“(Of a person or a person's behavior) having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings.”
Quirky:
“Characterized by peculiar or unexpected traits.”
(Also refer to; offbeat, eccentric, unique- in a generally positive manner of association.)
Artistic:
“Having or revealing natural creative skill.”
Weird:
“Very strange; bizarre.”
(Also refer to; unusual manifestation, in a generally negative, unhealthy, or damaging manner of association.)
Archetypal FTM Traits:
Sensitive: “Queer/Trans/Nonbinary” = Sensitive
“Quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.”
And/or:
“(Of a person or a person's behavior) having or displaying a quick and delicate appreciation of others' feelings.”
Intellectual Overexcitability (highly cerebral and living largely in thought and mind vs. body)
Sensory Processing Issues (physiologically sensitive to stimulus like touch, texture, sound and can become overwhelmed)
Idealistic (can see many interconnected threads of thought which could create a potential ideal outcome or situation)
Empathetic and compassionate (feeling the emotions of others and being cognitively understanding to those in distress because they can relate)
High Neuroticism (sensitivity to negative emotions-shame, sadness, anger, self-doubt)
Internalizes (retreats into self due to absorbing too much of outside environment)
Self-Doubt (constant overanalyzing leads to rumination around failings of self)
Anxiety (general and social)
Depression (nervous system shut down due to sensory overwhelm and emotional flooding and burnout)
Learned Helplessness (may underachieve due to overwhelm of thoughts, emotions, sensations, and develop complex of being a failure)
Resists Change (due to overwhelm of thought and feeling, resists changes and struggles to adapt; requires more patience and time to make decisions or act)
Sexual/Sensual/Asexual (may be either hypersexual and enjoy self-stimulation/use masturbation to release energy or self-soothe (including fixations with online porn), or become overwhelmed with sexual feelings and shut down and detach from sensual feelings in body)
Spiritual/Religious/Cult Inclinations (may be interested in alternative spiritual, religious, or lifestyle beliefs or trends that can even manifest as cults. Research indicates that intelligent and vulnerable people may be open to cult-thinking)
Note: Many of these traits describe a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP. This is a theory and researched type of person who is physiologically more sensitive to thought, feeling, and sensation, due to biological reasons. Their nervous systems are more reactive to the internal and external environments, creating both pros and cons for the individual which may manifest as developmental divergences. The theory finds that highly sensitive people in a compatible and nurturing environment to their sensitivities, will thrive and do better than the average person, but in an incompatible or harmful environment to their sensitivities, will regress and do worse than the average person, and be more suspectable to mental health conditions and developing trauma-based disorders like PTSD.
Quirky: “Queer/Trans/Nonbinary” = Quirky
“Characterized by peculiar or unexpected traits.”
(Also refer to; offbeat, eccentric, unique- in a generally positive manner of association.)
Highly Intelligent/Gifted/Bright (intellectual giftedness can create developmental quirks of deeply developed thought but lacks in experience or deficits in other areas like emotion regulation)
Witty and Clever (verbose and adept at forming connections verbally and in thought in a unique manner)
Good Sense of Humor (can be a bit awkward, and offbeat with humor and mannerisms)
Precocious (may have lopsided maturation processes such as gaining interest in abstract thought, psychology, philosophy, etc. but lack of fundamental executive functioning or social skills)
Obsessed With Labels (labels, diagnosis, definitions, language, lists, goals, etc. are attempts to understand abstract concepts, order chaos of thoughts and feelings)
May Be Naïve (due to overwhelm with stimulus, may self-isolate, avoid, or shelter self and become developmentally stunted, or may seek advanced experiences due to intellectual giftedness, but lack the other appropriate skills to navigate situations)
Has Special Interests (a deep love and obsession with a particular concept, thing, or person going beyond typical levels of regard or fixation)
Social Justice-Minded (desires radical social change for the less fortunate and possesses an open mind towards social justice ideology and action)
Passionate (when in a good mood, tends to be enthusiastic about special interests and can become deeply involved in doing them or sharing them with others)
Relates to Animals/Nature/Objects/Concepts More than People (more easily relates to non-sentient human creatures like animals, characters, objects, or even abstract concepts than other people due to difficulty fitting in and the ability to form unusual connections or find unique meanings. Yes, anime, Disney, and rats are a thing for FTMS…)
Artistic: “Queer/Trans/Nonbinary” = Artistic
“Having or revealing natural creative skill.”
High Openness to Experience (this is the major personality dimension measuring creativity and divergent thought, experience, and behavior, or openness to it)
Independent Thinkers (due to high openness to experience trait, perspective is often unique, or unique opinions are sought out and adopted from others)
Divergent Thinking (“A thought process or method used to generate creative ideas by exploring many possible solutions. It typically occurs in a spontaneous, free-flowing, "non-linear" manner…”)
Self-Expressive (frequently releases thoughts and feelings through journaling, poetry, writing, art, bogging, or through videos or other methods)
Extraverted Self-Expression (often prioritizes expressing one’s personality through bold or unique clothing, fashion, hairstyle, piercings, tattoos, nicknames, etc. Often will be DYI or handmade, or be more open to alternative forms of aesthetic expression)
Highly Creative (often does art or creative activities like drawing, painting, crafting, writing, singing, playing music, etc.)
Has Rich Fantasy Life (known for having a vivid imagination and ability to get lost in thought, daydreams, grandiose plans for future, and combining unique ideas together for imagined projects in a creative way)
Nonstable Identity (the downside to high openness to experience; having connections to many different things and creating ever-shifting personas or views of self that makes it difficult to maintain a grounded sense of self)
Jack of All Trades, Master of None (another downside to profound creativity; trouble actually “doing” things or taking action to bring tangible work into completion due to multitude of thought threads at once, or juggling priorities. Can strongly overlap with ADHD traits)
Weird: “Queer/Trans/Nonbinary” = Weird
“Very strange; bizarre.”
(Also refer to; unusual manifestation, in a generally negative, unhealthy, or damaging manner of association.)
Feel “Weird” In Negative Sense (views self as different in a bad way, feels lacking in something others have, may resent “normies”, feel alienated and shameful)
Individualistic (while this may be a positive trait, this type of person may also suffer by not going along with the crowd, refusing to see other’s perspectives, have rigid thinking and be stubborn to change behavior to coexist with others, and struggle to find connection or community, worsening resilience to mental health issues)
Can Be Lonely (often isolated from groups, feels alienated from peers, may try out different social tribes but not feel belonging to any, or may fixate on belonging with 1 particular social group or attachment figure which can be harmful to them)
Very Online (although since the 2020 pandemic and technological shifts many more people are living online, this archetype still is more likely than average to spend time cultivating an online life due to socialization troubles, sensory overwhelm in outside or interpersonal situations, and isolation due to depression, anxiety, and other disorders. The internet use can create further social deficits and mental health struggles due to lack of proper socialization, intimacy, physical movement, exposure to the natural world, and increase sensitivity which manifests these issues cyclically. )
Insecure Attachments (may feel insecure, anxious, or avoidant about forming close relationships with others, develop more shallow online relationships, belong to unhealthy or abusive online groups or friendship cliques, or have no close attachments to family or friends)
Rumination (tends to circle over negative thoughts, memories of the past, or fears of the future in repeated cycles which damage rational thinking and positive regard for self and life, often exacerbating into suicidal ideation)
Obsessional Fixations (when special interests or passions bring disappointment or fail, or there is distress in life, intellectual capacities turn into intense negative rumination over solutions or fantasies of escape. These may manifest as self-harm or destructive behavior such as magical-thinking fantasies)
Cognitive Distortions (black and white, rigid thinking that cannot be challenged even when unhealthy or destructive, generalizations from one smaller event projected onto all other events/the entire world, catastrophizing thoughts of the worst possible scenario, difficulty maintaining rational sense of orderliness)
Low Self-Confidence (core belief of shame and unworthiness due to being, or perceived as being, rejected by others, feeling alienated, sensitive, and highly emotional, or reactive to pain)
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS is an endocrine disorder which affects menstruation, fertility, emotion regulation, etc. and yes, sensitivity. Although the correlation is currently unclear, from my observation, many archetypal FTMS have PCOS, and that PCOS may contribute to high-sensitivity, body image issues, feeling more masculine and less connected to the female body, mood fluctuations, and is correlated with depression, anxiety, and shame.)
In Review of the 4 Categories
All of these traits are part of the human condition. Every person in existence falls somewhere on the spectrum of these characteristics or behaviors, and none on their own imply belonging to this archetype. However, when observably clustered together, these traits are indicative of certain types of personalities.
Many of these traits, especially the “weird” traits, are vulnerabilities to developing disorders like depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, CPTSD, etc. They may stand alone as regular human traits, or increase in severity in the form of a disorder which can be diagnosed as interfering with common functioning. I’ve purposefully left gender out of these traits to showcase the traits in a raw configuration, but one can easily see how gender identities, sexual characteristics, sex roles, cultural roles, and contemporary phenomena can manifest within these traits, and this sort of person. This archetype is more sensitive and vulnerable to developing symptoms of gender dysphoria, or a belief in it.
Gender Identity = Personality
The most important thing to note about this archetype is that each of the 4 categories (Sensitive, Quirky, Artistic, Weird) can be synonymous with “Queer, Trans, or Nonbinary” because “Gender” = “Personality.”
It really can be that simple. Young people (especially overthinking and highly open to experience ones) often confuse personality traits and types with corresponding gender identities.
For many of these girls, substituting any of these personality descriptions, especially Quirky can describe their individuality the same or even more accurately than does whatever gender identity label they’re using. Young people might not realize it, but gender expression (how you play with femininity, masculinity, and androgyny in fashion and expression) is a form of creativity that is associated with the trait Openness to Experience. In personality psychology, the BIG 5 Personality Spectrums are Openness to Experience, Consciousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism, with each big trait divided into 7 sub traits. The archetypal girl who identifies as trans is likely to present with High Openness to Experience (creativity), low Extraversion (High Introversion), and High Neuroticism (negative emotion and views on oneself.)
Although the Big 5 is the most accurate representation of personality in psychology, other ways of showing this archetype could be in the Enneagram--Type 4 which is also based on archetypes. Type 4 is the archetype known as The Artist/The Individualist/The Romantic. Each Type has 2 “wings” on either side (other Types that correspond.) Type 4 Artists can lean towards Type 3 The Performer, or Type 5 The Investigator. One can see how either, or both of these types may arise from this archetype.
If a Type 4 Artist leans towards the wing of Type 3—The Performer, this is called The Aristocrat. We tend to see a more flamboyant and expressive, loud, attention-grabbing personality and behavior (think Madonna.) This may explain some of the histrionic and narcissistic conduct we see from queer or young people, and riled up social justice activists.
If a Type 4 Artist leans towards Type 5—The Investigator, we see a person who needs to balance out their intense emotional and creative energy, with a high dose of intellectual and psychologically reflective energy. This manifestation is called “The Bohemian” (think Bob Dylan) and can be seen in the more introverted and isolated, cerebral, and heavily online trans and nonbinary people who are not as outwardly flamboyant about their gender identity, but who on one one may still exert the same positions.
Type 4— Individualist people, are notorious for being the most sensitive, emotionally deep, and if uncontrolled, the most emotionally volatile of all personality types. They are also the most creative and artistic personalities. Enneagram Type 4 traits overlap extensively with this archetypal FTM and those in general who identify as some form of queer/trans, or nonbinary.
When these traits cluster in particular amalgamations deemed harmful, these everyday human personality aspects can arise to the level of a disorder which requires treatment. Although there is a large western cultural push towards medicalization for adverse mental health symptoms, many forms of distress can be reduced, managed, or relieved through addressing the underlying harmful manifestations of traits, by understanding the interplay or both nature, and nurture’s relationship to these traits. Simply put; treat a person holistically by having awareness of the characteristics and manifestations of the human condition, and you often do not require medications or medical interventions.
If gender identity = personality, then those with the highest traits of creativity, openness, and neuroticism, will be likely to think that they have a queer/trans/nonbinary personality.
Androgyny and fluid gender expression are also linked with creativity.
Since this archetype loves identity labels, there may also be utility in understanding these girls using the Myers-Briggs or MBTI personality inventory and the corresponding INFJ profile—the supposed rarest personality type of all. INFJ standing for Introverted-Intuitive-Feeling-Judging is known archetypally as The Advocate or The Counselor. These people can often feel like walking-contradictions due to their complex natures.
While The Enneagram and MBTI are more archetypal shorthand and not as scientifically based like The Big 5 Personality Spectrum, viewing these types of girls through alternative lenses than mental disorders, conditions, and pathologies can be a healthier and more holistic route to understanding, empathizing, and helping these girls and young women to thrive in authenticity and see their self-value.
Struggles for This Archetype
Growing up as a sensitive, quirky, artistic, weird girl is often a difficult or even traumatic experience. As kids and teens these girls tend not to flourish because they:
Are so sensitive (emotionally and sensorially) that the outside world is an intimidating, overwhelming and confusing place they’d rather not participate in.
Retreat too heavily into their inner worlds and/or online to escape from the outside chaos.
Are both developmentally delayed and advanced in conflicting ways which inhibit typical growth alongside peers.
Have social difficulties and struggle with relationships and outer-world integration.
Are offbeat, so it’s challenging to find others to connect with at the same wavelength.
May be vulnerable to intense group-think or cults once they finally find a community to relate to due prolonged isolation and attachment voids.
Are still learning to deal with their heavy emotions and are often depressed, anxious, and ashamed.
Are insecure about their place in the world because they are idealistic and want to make a big difference, but feel overwhelmed, and self-doubting.
Have not yet embraced their personality strengths, and only focus on perceived flaws or weaknesses (which may be irrationally heightened due to idealism and analytical comparison to others.)
Have confusion making decisions, choosing career paths, and activities which work for them due to divergent thought and jack of all trades behaviors.
Might have developed mental health issues that are distracting from, and impeding, their gifts from being recognized or grown to fruition.
Are too focused on specific labels and diagnosis with a fixed mindset vs. learning about, growing into, and transcending the limitations of their human personalities.
Are avoidantly focused on outside issues and social justice concerns, or codependency in relationships as a distraction from their inner problems or fears.
May be underdeveloped in resiliency, perfectionistic, and give up easily; lacking motivation and an internal locus of control to overcome fear and develop courage.
May lack self-competency to progress in life, and end up feeling stuck in endless loops of intense thoughts, emotions, fears, and self-destructive or suicidal behavior.
Why Personality is Confused with Gender Identity
All these concerns are uniquely human, and experienced by everyone, especially teenagers and young adults, but for this type of girl/woman, even “light” or “basic” tasks can be extra difficult due to added layers of intensity and depth of emotions, thoughts, weirdness, and identity fluidity which needs to be managed, maintained, and healthily integrated. Setting other issues like social conditioning, misogyny, sexual trauma, or politics aside for the sake of examining these raw traits, is it any wonder that masses of teen girls and young women are mentally opting out of having to exist this way?
The question is not “why are all these girls identifying as trans/queer/nonbinary?” The question is why wouldn’t they?
Why wouldn’t a girl like this be not only exorbitantly confused about their identity and how they fit and track within the world, but also desire any pathway out of the burden of Being. The chaos and physiological rollercoaster of Being Like That. (Again, taking away the compounding variables of misogyny, media, politics, and social roles.)
Existence is toil enough, but add hyper-awareness, hyper-criticism, hyper-fixation, hyper-emotion, and being even slightly, or highly eccentric, with few tangible, and connected embodied experiences that don’t involve online interaction or prescriptive doctrines of What Truth Is from fellow disembodied, emotionally unstable, cerebral, and naïve young people, or unnuanced critiques from ignorant or immature adults in the media, and it becomes obvious why rapid adoption of gender identity labels as anything other than “girl” are happening.
Most people do not want to be the Weird Girl. It’s far more appealing to be the Queer Enby, or The Trans Boy. But look underneath these labels and see what’s there, the inner quirky, sensitive, artistic, weird girl. Being queer/trans/nonbinary seems like the perfect way to contend with every concern because socially and politically, these gender labels carry massive weight, social prestige, and meaning, that teens and young people are not mature enough to fully understand, but latch onto with fervor.
Yet being trans-identified can be a distraction from developing resiliency or a truly well-rounded personality or lifestyle that would better utilize this archetype’s gifts and skills. As young adults, they may struggle to have confidence and thrive. Years of ruminating on being different or having identity confusion can worsen insecurity and build defensiveness. They can be narcissistic or emotionally immature for the same reasons, as seen in viral Tiktok videos of teens and young women with disturbing mental health issues, and trendy rants on social justice and queer issues.
These easily-mockable neon-haired, tattooed, pierced, disruptive, punkish, flamboyant, obnoxious, volatile, irrational, and unhinged young girls, are in my estimation, perfectly fitting the archetype of the sensitive, quirky, artistic, weird girl. They are unfortunate and tragic reminders of how this archetype can manifest if not cultivated healthily.
Their capacity for empathy and idealism turns into jaded disappointment at the world and themselves. Although there also may be higher rates of abuse or trauma for this group, it can be harrowing just being a sensitive nonconformist who is beaten down routinely while going through puberty. This can be worsened if the girl has a sense of always feeling blamed by family or society for being “mentally ill”, aka falling under the shorthand of “weird.” They may defensively subvert this insecurity into aggrandizing of mental health disorders, use ironic humor to cope, or have an obsession with normalization of legitimate psychological or physical health issues like the DSD, anorexia, BPD, NPD, trans acceptance (body-modification and cosmetic surgery promotions), and fat positivity movements.
Take this example; before I called myself Funk God, I had a blog URL under “Depression Jesus”… The subversion of “bad funks into good funks” is like both, but while Depression Jesus embodies shallow nihilism and self-loathing focused on shame and self-hate, Funk God embodies embracing one’s quirks, and a full integration of the pros and cons of existing as this archetype, including all the chaos, positive, and negative. under Being Funky.
Hope for the Sensitive, Quirky, Artistic, Weird Girl
I bear some optimistic news from my years of toiling as the sensitive, quirky, artistic weird girl, and from research and observation of the archetypal population; not all big emotions or psychological struggles are mental illnesses. Mental disorders describe traits and symptoms of normal human issues which arise into disruptive levels that need treatment, but disorders are still representative of the human condition and existence we all have the capacity to experience.
The archetypal FTM would benefit from hearing this because these girls are highly intelligent, and have the makings of future independent thinkers and successful adults, if they could grow into more competent and secure young women. They could make amazing assets in any field, especially as teachers, artists, writers, and healers, once they’ve matured and became grounded. Once they start speaking out and using their own voices instead of pleasing others, or insecurely defending their differences to those who don’t understand, they will find pride in how useful and important their unique traits are.
Part of how I’ve realized this archetype, is studying not only trans and nonbinary movement culture, but also the detransiton movement. Gorwing numbers of detrans women who share their experiences often note identical traits or behaviors to the list I compiled, describing the reasons they thought they were trans or nonbinary. Every story is similar; all fall under the archetypal FTM outline, and mothers of trans-identified daughters, and women of older generations, agree that this list describes their experiences of which they all believe would have appeared as “gender dysphoria”, or manifested as a gender-identity, had they been born in today’s culture which possess the technology and nihilism to promote body-modification, and medicalization of non-conformities.
Studying detrans women’s stories gives hope to the sensitive, quirky, artistic, weird girls because many detransitioners epitomize a radical version of the archetype (often with added traumas) but show an even clearer evolution from Insecurity and Confusion to Bold Growth and Strength in oneself.
Many are writing, teaching, practicing psychology, or embracing the arts to find, and grow into, authentic versions of a higher self on this confusing planet. We can see the same trends across currently identified queer/trans and non-binary women who fit this archetype, but with the remaining ideology, black and white thinking, uncontrolled neuroticism, people-pleasing, or misguided anarchism/social justice, and general immaturity intact. That isn’t to say detransitioners can’t struggle with these behaviors, but coming out the other side of ideology, identity crisis and a mixed bag of traumas and disorders, is a humbling experience which cracks open the psyche to elevate more nuanced and critical thoughts with less cognitive dissonance.
It is no wonder, then, that detransitioners are often praised for being “articulate”, “wise” and “insightful”; we are often the same archetype of girls who were born to be this way, and are now realizing it having it had a rude awakening of the complexities of reality, of our own shortcomings, and how we took the wrong turn on the path towards transcendence and self-actualization. As an upside to all that is happening with the trans and nonbinary movements in harming people, there will at least, be a countercultural movement of quirky, sensitive, artistic, weird young women gaining courage and speaking fluently on their experiences and sharing wisdom with others to help bring awareness to the nuances of the human condition, and to those most vulnerable to be led down destructive roads.
It is at worst abusive, neglectful, and traumatic, and at best a disfavor and limitation to these sensitive, artistic, quirky, weird girls to pass off their complex and deep thoughts, feelings, and personalities with a “gender identity” and affirm them as being the opposite sex, or being untethered to a sex at all, instead of teaching and encouraging them to embrace themselves as they are so they may begin to practice acceptance and nonjudgement, and evolve into the spectacularly funky women they could become. If there’s one thing I hope to achieve through spreading the gospel of funk, it’s to let young girls and women know that it’s not only okay to be funky, but you can even become a god at it if you lean into your sensitive, quirky, artistic, weirdness ;)
To learn more about this archetype, watch this video essay I recorded as an in-depth breakdown of the Sensitive, Quirky, Artistic, Weird Girl.
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Let unique girls be unique girls.
Instead of lying to them by telling them they're not girls, because girls can't be unique.
Or that there's something wrong with them and they need to be medically "fixed."
"Unique" - sensitive, quirky, artistic, weird - is not a medical condition.
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I really relate to your posts and reblogs about chronic fatigue and practicing self-love. So if you’re willing to share, what are your specific disabilities?
Hi anon!
I have been really lucky to have a PCP who has gone with "well, you have the symptoms of fibro, and a family history of fibro, so let's throw some fibro treatments at you and see if they help and if they don't, we'll do something else" and they did!
So one way to look at my suite of disabilities is that I have chronic fatigue, chronic pain (especially through the top of my back and my neck), and chronic migraines with and without aura. That profile could fit a few different things, but I've gotten pretty far just by treating the symptoms and muddling through that way.
Additionally, I'm not clinically immunosuppressed, but I do get sick very easily - noticeably to my friends levels of easily, regularly hovering near my max allotment of sick days just because of having colds easily, buying and finishing the biggest boxes of DayQuil and NyQuil multiple times per year easily - and when I get sick I tend to stay sick for longer, especially coughs.
Another way to look at it is: something autoimmune is probably going on. I have a family history of RA, other arthritises, AND fibro. The symptoms I've had for a long time map to fibromyalgia, but newer symptoms also map to spondyloarthritis. So probably some combo of those! Testing is a slow process and nothing has yet come back definitive, but also nothing has come back ruling out either of them (or both of them!). Autoimmune diseases are poorly understood - especially fibromyalgia which many people suspect may "actually" be several different diseases we've dumped in the "girlies' bodies hurt, idk" bucket, so uh, stay tuned I guess.
Additionally, some people count mental illness under disability, and I have severe depression, moderate-severe cPTSD, and mild-moderate generalized anxiety.
And there's a lot of comorbidities in there! Many people who experience trauma also have autoimmune disorders because your brain and your body are actually the same thing and putting one under chronic stress puts the other under chronic stress. And many people who are chronically ill have depression because hey, when your body can't do things, it makes you sad about what you can't do. Being in pain sucks. cPTSD basically always comes bundled with depression and anxiety so that's basically a BOGO special.
A thing that I do think is interesting is the comorbidities I don't have. As far as I can tell, I don't have EDS, autism, or ADHD, and I'm not trans.
So! tl;dr: got the back-and-neck hurts disease, the heady hurt disease, the sleepy bitch disease, the bad childhood disease, and the sad bitch disease. I'm like a beautiful flower where each petal is "huh, that's kinda fucked up but not like, SUPER fucked up, so you can pass for normal enough most of the time. Good luck champ!"
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Do you have any experiences you feel comfortable sharing around realizing through self dx and/or prof diagnosis being adhd and/or autistic? i have a strong suspicion i have both or one, but the symptoms make it hard to actually do some substantial research to come to an actual conclusion.
Honestly, I've know since as long as i remember that something was 'up' but my kid logic was just like 'ohhhhh if i watch enough people, ill do it just like they do, i wouldn't be different anymore :))' but whoop who would have guessed you cant logic your way out of feelings, or symptoms or disability. like i kinda stalled facing the fact by just saying; 'oh im neurodivergent but ill be undiagnosed out of respect that's good enough for me'.
But finally finishing school and talking to peers outside of school made me realize that what's 'up' with me hasn't been alleviated or fixed. that all the stress of being different hasn't faded. that i just learned to manage it to survive. that maybe an even more uncomfortable fact, that i wasn't even managing it WELL and the people around me knew the teachers knew but i was black and a 'girl' so they'd just treat me like i was lazy or didn't want to learn or i just wasn't intelligent enough to learn. did i have a difficult home life? was there a reason i wouldn't finish assignments? why id act out? why i'd always avoid eye contact? nope this kid didn't finish the assignment/is fidgeting/is RUDE, and they'd send me to the hallway and id try not to breakdown. wash rinse repeat until the end of the year and suddenly the teach was so warm and so happy to have taught you!
Nothing changes i made it though elementary, middle and high school and i didn't get a badge or pat on the back just the worst burnout at 18. i held out so much hope that oh ill work it all out and school will someday be a breeze. id just been holding onto a pipe dream for 12 years.
so when i type in "tips for keeping a tidy room"...."for adhd" or "are binders uncomfortable for people with sensory issues?" or "binder for sensory issues" and these all come up with answers that actually speak to me, i kind of start reeling! Dude this shop from singapore i ordered from sent me a binder no sensory issues, perfect fit! after trying multiple bras cuz 'binding is uncomfortable' but this binder man no chest dysphoria, all the comfort that people would signal to me whenever id say "ugh bras are uncomfortable right?"
the cold authority figures i had as a kid don't deal with the fallout of 12 years of shame and discomfort with next to no explanation. but you cant really pin it on someone. its all the culmination of systemic '-isms'. THAT's hard to make peace with.
so ill finally admit that "ill just be undiagnosed out of respect :)" is just internalized ableism. that a lot of what i thought about myself was just internalized ableism. ill give every other person the benefit of the doubt regardless of professional diagnosis status, why don't i afford myself that same compassion the answer is obviously internalized ableism now that i write it out. but I've got to heal everybody does.
But damn if healing isn't bitter! medicine that can only be sweetened up with artificial strawberry, lest it loses its potency. so ill take the first step and round back to the beginning of what i was saying;
hey! pursuing a professional diagnosis as a black, young,trans person in the us south is daunting. do you have any autism and/or adhd self dx resources, neurodivergency resources or have any anecdotes about living with both that are fun i never hear about enough fun ppl have! anything would be helpful!
Hey there!
My experiences were pretty wild, honestly, I wasn't diagnosed through school and university even though I was a pretty classic case, and then I did pursue my Dx as an adult a few years ago.
It was pretty expensive, and because I'm self-employed and set my own hours that are quite intuitive and based off of my own needs and limits, I actually found that the medication I was prescribed made my workload harder to handle.
It's not that the medications for ADHD are bad - if I ever go back to university or enter more traditional employment again, I do want to keep meds in mind as an option - but that they're really intended to get you focused and adjusted for a 9 to 5 or other traditional job structure, and that's just not what my life looks like.
I will say that like...
It's not that a diagnosis is bad, but I actually do have some concerns about it in terms of receiving medical care - some bigoted doctors use ADHD and autism diagnoses as a reason to withhold medical care or otherwise to deny healthcare and assistance; some countries actually stipulate in their immigration policies that a condition like autism will negatively impact your ability to immigrate there.
If you want to try medication and you feel like you need it, official diagnosis might be a good route for you, but if you don't want medication, official diagnosis might be a hindrance as much as it could be a help.
There's nothing wrong or bad about having a diagnosis, what I'm saying is more that like... If you have ADHD or autism, then you have it whether a doctor agrees or not. You only need that doctor's piece of paper if you want to seek out medical treatment - lots of people seek out other resources while being self-diagnosed, especially because seeking out clinical diagnosis can be so expensive, and you can avail of any online resources without being "officially" ADHD or autistic, you know?
I don't have a huge amount of resources, but a few recs I have are:
ADHD Alien's comics - Pina's comics are very cute and I find a lot of them very relatable, but they almost always also have resources linked in the replies by Pina themselves or somebody else, specifically for the issue addressed in each comic.
HowToADHD - Jessica's videos are really comprehensive and go through a lot of ADHD experiences from different angles, especially looking at the day-to-day issues of the workplace or the domestic sphere with lots of little tips!
I was on Jeremy Sachs and Katherine Cox's podcast this month with my friend Ashleigh Wilder, and we talked about the impact of autism and trauma, which might be helpful. Ashleigh is an actor and poet, but he's got a background in psych, and they post a lot of resources around autism and other neurodivergence like OCD.
Healing sucks big time, and it takes a lot of time to unpack a lot of that internalised pain and fear - and also just like... recognising the things in you which might be to do with neurodivergent traits, and realising you can seek out resources or things to make your life easier.
It's a long journey for any of us, but I wish you luck, and I hope some of these resources make it easier to seek out more!
In general, I would absolutely remind you to always tack on "for adults" when searching for a lot of resources, simply because so many of them assume ADHD is a kid's condition and a kid's concern.
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Ok, serious talk, I know nobody wants to read this but I'll feel better posting somewhere as opposed to vomiting my feelings all over my friends again, they've had enough, please feel free to ignore this and I'll be back to being silly in no time
Ok so, I know my blog is uncomfortable to read, I understand that my negativity and constant venting is at best annoying and at worst upsetting, i am aware of that but I also know that bottling up is worse to me and i feel like a liar if i just pretend everything is fine and just post silly stuff here.
My friends keep telling me I'm not a horrible person and am pretty funny actually and I think that is because they've know me for years and I was like that but things have not been going well im the last few years.
Yes I am not a bad person and I can be funny sometimes, but all of that gets overshadowed by the numerous mental issues I have and cannot cope with properly.
English is not my first language language so this gets a bit confusing because this nuance is pretty tricky in the language but as you all know is that "i am" can mean either "i am like this at the moment" (example "I'm cold" or "I'm hungry", those are not things that are inherent to you, they are temporary states) or "i am like this PERIOD" (example "I'm human" or "I'm Brazilian", they are permanent states about yourself)
Now
I know I AM (inherent) creative, funny sometimes, alright at drawing, and a bunch of other nice things people say about me when I'm crying, but you have to understand that i also am (temporary) completely fucked up mentally and emotionally, I'm not saying I'm going to be "cured" from being autistic btw, I'm counting not being able to handle my issues "being a bad temporary thing", like, i will never stop having ADHD symptoms (cannot afford a diagnosis so I'll just call them symptoms for now, or signs if you thing the word 'symptom' is a bit tone deaf) but i know i can learn how to live with it and function, even if my functioning looks very different from what's expected from a neurotypical person.
I am, at the moment, NOT DEALING WITH MY SHIT PROPERLY, and THAT is the issue I believe can be fixed. I will never have a good knee again, even after the surgery I just feel less pain, but i can learn how to adapt to my limitations, you know?
So, I am not, inherently, a failure, i know I'm not stupid or ugly or boring, but I'm so full of debuffs that basically I'm a piece of shit right now.
Yes, I did quit my job and tried to become a web developer and it went catastrophically bad, but I can't even count that as a failure because i NEEDED to quit that job either way (it was destroying my mental health) and if you're gonna quit going to live with a friend so dear to you she's basically a sister for a while and learning a skill you always wanted to at least start learning, isn't it worthy?
Yeah I "failed", but the happiness i felt along the way was worth even if it didn't work out in the end.
I know that, my mind knows that, but my feelings are absolute chaos and I sometimes fall into a deep self hatred spiral that makes me believe lies about everything around me, it even makes me believe everyone secretly hates me, which is OBJECTIVELY not true, if there's one thing I am in this world is loved.
I know it's sad, annoying, or even upsetting to see my posts and I'm not going to pretend they're inevitable, I CAN stop myself and I should have better restraint, I'm failing at that and I apologize for all the negative feelings I might have caused.
I know it's a pretty hard goal considering how my life is a huge mess right now, but my goal in life is to be the trans person i needed to meet when I was in the closet.
I want to be the type of happy, mature and intelligent person that my friends were when I met them 6? 7 years ago?
The people that completely shattered an entire lifetime of prejudice and fear that was forced into my brain since i was a toddler, the type of people that made me look at transphobic posts and go "that's not true, I've met trans people and they're some of the best people i know", the type of people who made me realize living as who you really are is both possible and achievable.
I want to be that person, someone who, just by being themselves, can melt away prejudice or at least be that kink in the armor of an angry reactionary that one day will help shatter the barrier of lies they protect themselves with and help them see that this hate was manufactured to use them as paws in a stupid made up culture war.
I got out of this horrible place with the help of wonderful people i will never be able to thank enough, and my dream is to help others out too.
I'm not saying i want to "trans" others, obviously, just to show that we are not the weird monsters thet so many out there want you to believe we are. To destroy the prejudice with the power of a honest, happy existence.
I want to be the person I needed when I was younger, lost, depressed, considering suicide, and constantly angry at anyone the liars and grifters who I trusted told me to hate.
I want to become the person who would have saved me back them.
I know it's going to take a lot of work, I have many barriers ahead of me, some inside of myself, some external, but neither way I have a LOT of work to do, and if there's one thing i can never do is give up.
I don't even know what "giving up" means at this point, I have to keep going, not only for myself but for those I might help in the future.
I can't change the past. I can't erase the harm my bigoted ignorant words caused, but I can grow into a person who heals as much as i used to hurt.
I know I'm a handful right now, and I am trying to control my words until i have the means to work on myself and improve as a person. Just, please be patient with me. If my posts upset you in the past please for your own sake unfollow/block me, I'm sorry I hurt you while trying to hurt myself, but unfortunately it will probably happen again, and there's nothing wrong with distancing yourself from someone that hurts you, even if they didnt INTEND to hurt you.
I am NOT (inherent) a failure
I am (temporary) failing
But I will get better.
I don't know how, I don't really have a plan, but I will figure it out somehow.
Life is not a game. I am not in a "doomed run", I can and I WILL live and be the best person I can be.
Thank you.
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TMNT/Half-mutant au:
!HM=half-mutant!
The boys are the sons of a mutant father and a human mom (hence half-mutant) and they are both master ninjas and Splinter's friends
I don't exactly know what happens to their parents but I know something happens to allow Splinter to adopt and train the boys
This isn't a strictly "2012!TMNT but make them half-mutant" au, there are bits and pieces of Rise!TMNT mixed in there as well, like the boys harnessing their mystic powers (at some point between 10-15 years ago)
(this is so there's room to discover what else they can be used for while giving them time to use them properly)
On top of Rise!Leo's powers, HM!Leo can also use telepathy and foresight/visions/precognition because of a "connection to the old masters" he has (as the leader, he trained the most to better use his Katanas and meditated to help reduce overreactions/emotional outbursts during missions)
(those 2 things somehow fostered the connection)
He also has Melasma instead of the Vitiligo people give human Rise!Leo
(this is a reference to red-eared sliders but if he's one, that means they all are and I don't know what species the dad would be)
(instead of giving myself a headache with this I'm just going to say that the Melasma is present in both forms)
The April in this is pretty much strictly Rise!April
I know how people treat 2012!April (and frankly, I too am a little annoyed with her, but more so with the writers, they shouldn't have included human + mutant relationships, especially if they're technically siblings because that shit definitely needs to stop)
I think that is why I made Leo aroace in this au because he would not want to go near that shit (he thinks romance, in general, gets in the way of missions but he has let his brothers do what they want as long as it doesn't get in the way)
(he knows that they are old enough to do their own thing in that regard)
Leo does have the Usagi chronicles guy (whichever one's closest to being 25, the one everyone ships Rise!Leo with, I can't with names right now)
Oh, and this Donnie and April are just friends but I might give Donnie his own love interest (who will probably be an oc or maybe even Casey if I feel like it)
Ralph has Mona Lisa so they're good (they're still aroace like Leo though, they're also nonbinary)
(Donnie is a demisexual bi-romantic guy, Leo is an aroace trans guy and Mikey is pansexual and gender fluid)
Donnie and Leo are twins, which makes them the cool (color) twins (name courtesy of 10-year-old Mikey), at 25 (currently)
(they were 15 when Leo made the connection with the masters)
Raph and Mikey are 23 and 22 respectively (they were 13 and 12, again respectively, when the connection happened)
As for the "mystic awakening", this was probably not too long after the connection happened (the connection actually helped the boys get these powers in the first place)
Since 2012!Leo canonically had a psychotic episode at some point, HM!Leo has them too, he can't tell if they're visions or not so he's a bit on edge
(Donnie knows this and tries his best to help him)
The boys are all neurospicy/neurodivergent or have other physical and mental issues
Donnie is autistic with sensory issues
Mikey has hyperactive ADHD and dyslexia
Raph has trouble regulating emotions and his roach/bug phobia
Leo (as seen above) is a paranoid schizophrenic (schizophrenia characterized by predominantly positive symptoms of schizophrenia, including delusions and hallucinations which include auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations/hallucinations dealing with touch) with an anxiety disorder, sensory issues, stuttering, body shakes/aches, a touch of narcolepsy or insomnia depending on the time of day, vision problems (all thanks to the three-month coma, his throat heals though) as well as his leadership trauma
(although all of the boys have trauma because Jesus christ these shows are just trying to kill them at this point)
(Splinter and Donnie were the first to notice everything, in this au he's an excellent sensei and he's actually trying to be their dad too)
(it's a balancing act between moments when their sensei is needed and when they need him to be their dad)
Splinter only started color-coding them and what they owned when they were old enough to tell him their favorite color, before that he either wrote their names on everything or just let them have a free for all
As for clothes, they were color-coded from the beginning, so the boys just picked the color they were wearing as their favorite to make things easier
(I'm trying to find the perfect balance of their personalities from 2012! and Rise! so that's going to be a bit later, it's probably a situational thing like they act differently at home than they do on missions)
Actually, that might be exactly it, and going even further they act differently in front of Splinter as opposed to how they act with each other (when he's not in the room because can you imagine if he heard the conversations they have with each other, holy shit)
Leo is described as "confident but not egotistical" (he has to be a confident leader but he's not as "egotistical" as Rise!Leo), Donnie is smart but caring, Raph may seem to just be a hothead but that's because of something he can't control, however, a more accurate way to describe him is "emotional but still an honorable fighter", Mickey has Dr. Delicate touch and Dr. Feelings so his description would be "goofy but not without room for reality and scaring his brothers sometimes"
Casey isn't a time traveler (like Rise!Casey) but he still has his "pull yourself together" moments with the brothers (April and the boys have to do the same with him)
Besides that, he's mostly based on 2012!Casey
The reason their eyes go white (for lack of a better phrase) is that turtles have a protective membrane over their eyes, although it's clear for normal turtles, their mutant DNA made them white
Donnie's suit is a reference to Rise!Donnie being a soft-shell turtle (in this au it's him being a smart protective boy)
Their "dyed" hair is actually because of their mystic abilities, they used them more when they were teens (because they weren't as good with their weapons as they are now) and it made a higher portion of their hair glow
They still use them (as seen in the presence of the "dye") but not as much because they got better with their weapons (and they are now using them in perfect balance)
The green markings on their skin are supposed to be a reference to them being half turtle-mutant (they also glow when the boys use their mystic powers)
There are these things called "Krang clones"- a subspecies of Krang that can clone/transform into pretty much anyone if they have a sample of their DNA (they usually get this through the person's blood)
(at some point the Foot Clan works with the Krang to make clones of Battle Nexus Champions, including Leo, for their army or whatever)
There are documented alternate dimensions that the boys have gone to at some point (Donnie is, of course, writing all of their findings down)
(the ability to write the certain things that happen in these dimensions requires me to be able to remember what the different series contain)
I do know that D-(20)22 is where HM! takes place with D-(20)12 being 2012!TMNT, D-(20)18 being Rise! and D-(20)03 being the 2003 series
The format basically is: D-*year a certain TMNT! series came out/dimension number*
They only say the last 2 digits (so they'd say D-12, D-18, or D-22 instead of the full-dimension number)
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In response to your personal post about dissociation.. I'm a little unsure if you basically decided to leave the subject alone for now, and I'm not unwantingly butting in.. if I am, you can ofc ignore this :)
I am personally and professionally of the opinion that the dissociative disorders are some of the most under-researched, poorly understood and random designations in the diagnostic system. By no means, does this mean that I don't believe in the experiences associated with dissociation, hell, I'm a dissociative bitch myself, but I do think that it's very hard to say anything about dissociative experiences that has any solid scientific basis.
Therefore I am taking off my psychologist hat, and I'm going to share some personal first hand and second hand anecdotes that may or may not be helpful somehow.
First off about the 70% of the time feeling dissociated/disconnected from your body. With what little I know of you, I tend to contribute this at least partially to your sensory sensitivities - it sounds like "your body in the world" is not a very nice place to be, so it makes sense that you spent a lot of time out of touch with it. But in terms of anecdotes, I have a friend, a trans girl. For her a similar constant dissociation was at least partially related to gender questions, and the further she got in her transition, the more in touch she felt with her body (and emotions). I have a partner with DID, who thought they were always dissociated. When they started adhd meds some of the fog lifted, and they learned that for them there was a difference between adhd fog and dissociation that they didn't quite see previously. Another partner who is autistic and has ptsd feels disconnected from reality as a whole, and while they have a vivid rich inner life, they struggle to connect emotionally with the "real world". They are questioning schizoid pd. Personally I used to feel similarly, still do sometimes, and I think for me it was in large part due to a life-long experience of being an "outsider"/not quite human, an observer of not just the world but also "myself", and it was very meta in a distinctly prodromal psychosis way I guess ^^"
As for spicy dissociation and feeling "just not present", I'm not 100% sure I understand what you mean, or rather that could mean different things to me. It could be that you experience amnesia for these episodes (thus feeling like you weren't there), it could be an experience of being on autopilot without actually decision making power, or it could be the feeling of another presence taking over temporarily (or some mix). For example I personally experience both of the latter, but not the first (blackout amnesia). But since I'm not sure what you mean by it, I won't comment much more.
In terms of the flashback triggering dissociation triggering an emotional flashback! THAT I know what you mean, like yes, that is a thing.
The way I conceptualise it, something triggers a flashback. Which is upsetting, so the brain reacts by trying to shut down via dissociation, much like it might have done at the actual traumatic event in question. And then the dissociation sticks around, not allowing you to access your emotions etc. So when the dissociation lifts, you are hit by the emotions related to the flashback.
In terms of what trauma counts for what disorder etc, sure, that can matter for an official diagnosis, but in terms of personal experience, it's honestly rather simple: Anything that you personally experienced as traumatic has the potential to cause you to have trauma reactions later - such as flashbacks, dissociation and more. (Also might wanna throw in there that it's well-established that autistic (and other differently nd) people often interpret and experience stressful events in a more traumatizing way than neurotypical counterparts.)
Losing control of your body while still having full awareness would be interpreted as a delusion of control by most psychiatrists, a symptom of psychosis. There's a lot to be said about the differences and similarities between dissociative and psychotic experiences, and once again, it's not a subject where I feel confident saying anything in a professional capacity. That said, there's a few things to look out for in understanding the nature of what's going on.
In delusions of control, the sufferer often (but not always) have an accompanying delusion about who/what is controlling them. Whether this is the case of not, delusions of control are usually (but not always) experienced as forceful and uncomfortable/scary.
When speaking of personal and secondhand experiences of both identity dissociation, compartmentalization and delusions of control, I tend to think that it's "open to personal interpretation of the experience".
If the experience is more in the realm of "someone else takes over for a while but it's cool" I'm not super worried. Whereas if the experience is that of losing control of your body, being unable to influence what you do/say, potentially accompanied by a sense of external control, I would be worried, both because that's not a nice feeling and also because I associate that with delusions of control (psychosis).
Personally I feel that the fact that psychiatry only ever offered me one explanation for my identity/control fuckery (as part of psychosis, something to exterminate), while I also felt alienated by the language/discourse surrounding dissociative disorders, lead me down some dark paths in the past..
These days I/we are pretty ok on the whole thing, but yeah...
Dunno if any of that was helpful at all?
I have kind of decided just to leave it be, as in… I’m not actively seeking out answers. but I am still mulling it over and trying to think of the best way to describe my symptoms. so no active discovery, just passive thought.
it does make a lot of sense that both my gender and my sensory issues would contribute to dissociation. and, you know, my chronic pain might have something to do with it too, if my brain has decided that dissociation is a coping mechanism. in terms of all that, I think the best I can do is try to look after my sensory needs and my pain needs and see if that helps reduce the dissociation? we’ll see
I haven’t experienced amnesia for several years, and the spicy dissociation is what seems to have replaced the episodes of amnesia. it’s like I’m half here and half on a different planet. the half that’s here is on autopilot, and the half on a different planet is thinking through fog. it’s hard to explain, but yeah that’s the situation
thanks for explaining about the emotional flashbacks being triggered by the lifting of dissociation! that explanation makes a lot of sense to me, and seems to be accurate to my experiences
it also makes sense that autism would make me more susceptible to ending up traumatised. I’ve read a bit about that before, but I’ve never really applied it to myself, because my trauma has been really unusual (in that it’s happened in bits and pieces). I’ve only started questioning it all now because my mum thinks that I can’t possibly be traumatised compared to what caused her trauma and… yeah. I don’t know.
hmm and about the delusion of control… it doesn’t feel great at all. it feels like I’m on the inside of a robot, and some supervillain in the distance has decided to manipulate what the robot does. I’m screaming internally, but the robot doesn’t listen to me, it just does other shit. nothing dangerous — usually it just makes me say things or eat something I wouldn’t normally eat. it is very uncomfortable though and I wish it wouldn’t happen!
I do have some psychosis associated with my OCD, so I don’t know if this is possibly a part of that or if it’s unrelated. my OCD psychosis wasn’t considered bad enough for me to be on anti-psychotics or anything, so it generally freaks me out but is mild. it’s usually just that I can feel ghosts touching my body, and then I have a compulsion to get rid of the ghosts
yeah, anyway — thanks for the input! from what little research I’ve done, it does seem like a very messy area in terms of distinguishing what’s going on
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