#bella wants to spend all her time banging edward

[edwardsshinyvolvo]

what was the point ms.stephanie of making bella a parent if she wasn't gonna act like a mom?!?! i personally feel like bella basically became a renee 2.0 just not as bad.

#bella swan #twilight saga #bella wants to spend all her time banging edward #that she doesnt even spend quality time with renesmee #edward himself wasn't that good of a dad #bella and edward aren't parent material #the twilight saga #twilight rennaisance #the twilight renaissance #🩸

[headinthestaticsky]

Sanctuary With the Enthralling Moon, Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan.  Story 2, Chapter 1

AUTHORS NOTE: None of the character in Twilight belong to me. ALL rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

Summary: Another year has gone by, and that year was quite an eventful one. Bella moving back to Forks shook up Fleur’s life and yet, Fleur has never been happier. Her relationship with her sister might not be the best but... she is surrounded by love. Her friends, her father, and Jasper have all filled her life with happiness. But what happens when a incident occurs on her 18th birthday. Will the Cullens leave? Will Jasper stay in touch with Fleur? Or will she be cut off by them entirely?

LINK TO MASTERLIST

https://headinthestaticsky.tumblr.com/post/658474113276477441/sanctuary-with-the-enthralling-moon-jasper-hale-x

“Wake up in an ice-cold sweat And my skin starts to creep You're hovering above my bed Looking down on me Haunted house sound effects Dracula Teeth.”

Dracula Teeth by, The Last Shadow Puppets

I was getting softly shaken away by someone, I groaned and had turned the other way.

“I graduated... I don’t have to go to school anymore.” I mumbled.

“Wake up Petal, happy birthday.”

My eyes lazily opened, my dad was staring down at me, his eyes crinkled with happiness.

“Oh yeah... it is September 13th, it’s Bella and I’s birthday.”

“You forgot your own birthday?”

“I never know what the date is anymore dad don’t worry...”

“I got presents...” Dad said in a sing-songy voice... I could tell her was trying to persuade me.”

“Okay, okay I’m getting up.”

Dad had handed me two boxes, wrapped terribly but it was the thought that counts. The gifts were a new paint set and canvases and a new writing journal.

“Wow, these are great dad, thanks.”

“You’re welcome Petal.”

“You give Bella her presents yet?”

“Yeah, she freaked out on me for a bit... I joked and told her she had a gray hair. Speaking of gray hair... it looks like you have a speak there.” Dad joked.

“Ehh, gray suites me well.”

“So, what’d you plan on doing today? Were you going to hang out with Jasper?” He asked, he sat down on the edge of my bed

“Not until later on tonight, I thought we could something together...That steak at the diner sounds pretty good... or we could just take a long drive... both sound enjoyable to me”

“Sounds like a plan Petal. I luckily got the day off” He then got up and walked toward the door, leaving me by myself.

Graduating early had it’s perks... I had a lot more free time on my hands and I could do whatever I wanted with it. I got dressed eager to spend some one on one time with dad. Bella was already gone by the time I got up so Dad and I quickly made it to my car. We had been driving through the town for 30 minutes when he started a conversation.

“So, how are things with you and Bella?”

“Uh... it’s okay I guess. We don’t really fight but we don’t really talk at all if I’m honest.”

“Everything that happened last year in Phoenix got to you huh?”

“Yeah, it did. I guess it’s going to take some time for me to let it go.”

“I understand... I love that girl to death but I don’t even know if I’ve fully let it go.”

“I would understand if you hadn’t... she said some messed up stuff dad.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up bad stuff on your birthday.”

“Don’t worry about it you didn’t upset me, I get it, you were just curious.”

The rest of the drive was nice, quiet at some points but nice, we had gotten back into town at 4:30. Just in time to eat at the diner, then after that I would be off to the Cullens for the night.

“Ugh, that was good... but I think if I eat anymore I might explode!” I dramatized.

“Me too Petal, me too. We better go on back to the house, You said you had to be at the Cullens by 5:20.”

“Yeah... blame that on Alice, she’s very excited to throw Bella and I birthday party.”

I had driven back to the house quickly. My timing was immaculate, as soon as I had parked in the driveway, Jasper had pulled in as well.

“Chief Swan, nice to see you again.”

“Good to see you too, Jasper.”

“I hope you don’t mind me stealing Fleur for the rest of the night...”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s fine.”

“Bye dad, love you! I had fun.”

“Love you too.”

Jasper and I drove off as soon as dad was in the house. I was buzzing with excitement Jasper of course, fueled that excitement for me.

“Happy Birthday Darling.”

“Thank you love.” I pecked his cheek.

“I gotta ask... how crazy did Alice go with this whole birthday thing?”

“She reeled it in... like 10% of the crazy back.”

“Well, you tried to calm her down... as long as cake is involved we won’t have a problem.”

“Yes, their is cake... glad it could persuade you into coming down for the night.”

“I’m glad we both reached an agreement... you have cake, I show up.”

Jasper chuckled and held my hand. I felt happy, turning 18 marked another year of my life. When we arrived at the Cullens house, Alice had jumped out of the house and ran to greet me at the car.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” 

“Thank you, I really appreciate what you did for me.”

“No need to thank me, come, come.” I was then dragged inside by Alice. I could feel the excitement radiating through her body.

“Hey short-stack, happy birthday!”

“Happy birthday, Fleur.” 

“Thanks Emmett, Thanks Dean.”

“Fleur, happy birthday.” Esme said her warm smile bring me even me joy.

“Thank you.”

“Happy Birthday Fleur! Rosalie said, she then pulled me in for a hug.

“Thank you, Rose.” I looked around after we broke apart.

“Where’s Bella at?”

“She’s late... as usual.” Alice said.

“Speak of the devil.” Rosalie said.

I turned around, I saw Edward and Bella standing in the living room. Neither of them looked very happy. I hadn’t seen Edward since everything that had happened with James. I couldn’t trust him much either, I felt uncomfortable to be around him now.

“Okay, Fleur, you open our gifts first.”

Esme and Carlisle had gotten a new phone, Emmett had gotten me seat covers and a new wheel cover for my car, Rosalie had gotten my a ring with my birthstone in it, and Alice had gotten me a new pair of black ankle boots.

“You’ve had your others ones long enough.” Alice stated.

“As nice as these are... you know I’m going to keep my other boots.”

“Of course, you’ve always been stubborn. Okay Bella, your next! ” Alice exclaimed.

Rosalie begrudgingly walked up to Bella and handed her a box.

“It’s a necklace... Alice picked it out.”

“Thanks.”

“Here’s Emmett’s.” Alice said

Bella shook the box, it was empty.

“Already installed it in your truck. Finally a good sound system for that piece of.”

“Hey, don’t hate on the truck.”

“Sorry...”

“Okay open up Esme and Carlisle next!”

The gift was in an envelope, before Bella could open it however... she got a paper cut. 

“Ouch, paper cut.” She said and stuck her index finger up showing everyone.

“Wow Bella, how smart... show off a open wound in front of vampires... some of those vampires haven’t had blood...” I couldn’t even finish my own thought, growling was coming out from behind me. I turned around, Deans eyes were pitch black, and he had dark circles around them. He lunged toward Bella, Jasper had pulled me back and held me against his chest. Turning me around so I couldn’t see what was happening. I heard a huge crash followed by the sound of glass. I then heard another loud bang, followed by the sound of what seemed to be someone stepping on the Piano keys. Jasper led me out of the room after that. Taking me back outside.

“I-I didn’t think that was going to happen. I’m so sorry.” Jasper said, guilt laced in his words.

“It’s okay, I’m fine... It’s wasn’t your fault.” I said, pulling him close to me.

He rested his forehead against mine and sighed.

“Nothing good can come out of this you know... Edwards going to try and do something heroic.” Jasper said.

“Yeah, I know, love.”

“I don’t care what it is, as long as I can stay with you.”

“Always such a smooth talker Hale.”

“I do try my best.”

“It’s an amazing effort.”

“I better take you home, I don’t think Dean can be around any humans right now.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Timeskip: Back to Fleur’s house.

“I’ll see you tomorrow love.”

“Okay, love you Jazz.”

“Love you too.”

I pecked him on the lips before leaving his car. I ran inside, eager to get warm. It was always cold in September in Forks. I went to bed, I had a unsettled feeling in my stomach. I knew something was going to happen, and I didn’t know if I could stop it. The next day was strange, Jasper hadn’t called or texted me all day. I was starting to get worried. Dad was at work and Bella was at school so I didn’t have anything else to do. So, I decided to pace, I walked back and forth, back and forth through my room all day it seemed. It wasn’t until later that I had finally seen Jasper. The look on his face proved my gut feeling to be correct.

“Jasper? Whats wrong.?”

“We.. we’re leaving Forks.”

I stood there, my eyes widened, this was the last thing I wanted to happened.

#jasper hale x oc #jasper hale x reader #jasper hale #rosalie hale #edward cullen #alice cullen #esme cullen #emmett cullen #carlisle cullen #bella swan #twilight #twilight saga

[thethrobbingmembers]

THE THROBBING MEMBERS REVIEW: The Queer, Unraveled Principles of Kit Webb at Twilight by Courtney Cat Stephanie Milan-Sebastian-Meyer

We forgot to post our last couple of reviews and it’s all started to blend together. Here’s the one sentence reviews we remember: 

All I remember about this book is the characters banging at the opera. -Sarah (Unraveled)

Damn, public sex is hot. -Lily (Unraveled)

I just need it to be known that Smite’s name was horrible. -Smurf (Unraveled)

You either die an Edward or live long enough to see yourself become a Bella. -Smurf (Twilight) 

Finally, the dumbass bisexual representation I deserve. -Lily (The Queer Principles of Kit Webb)

Stop trying to lube up his hole every time, just fuck his thighs once in awhile. -Catherine (The Queer Principles of Kit Webb)

Dream Cast

Percyandabella

Smitward

Unraveled Review

Technically, I may not have finished this book but I did read all but the ending and we’ve discussed that in detail so it’s chill. Plus I liked what I read just fine even though the guy was SUCH a drag. Like. I am used to men ruled by trauma in these books. They have terrible dads or something and now they are scared of intimacy and need to be cured by some girl’s vagina.

This one was different though! He had a terrible MOM and that is special. Also he has family that exists and loves him (even though that is just because they are the love interests and must be good because of that). That’s not enough to make him worth it though. It takes one (1) heartfelt speech about that time he got locked in flooding basement to really kill the mood when a girl’s just trying to get laid.

I can forgive him though because he knew how to fuck and they were hot together. Also her trauma was MUCH more fun and involved The Theater. we should’ve spent more time hearing about her gay actor family and less about the plot or whatever.

Anyway read this book! I had a good time! Even though this man is a part of a system of incarceration and doesn’t seem to care about the terrible prison he’s sending people to. But!!! Romance! I’m sure he’ll learn in between having lots and lots of heterosexual sex.

-Catherine 

6.8/10 stars

Twilight Review

LISTEN. I know I was supposed to write this like months ago. I know. It’s just that this book was so hard to read and I wanted to pretend I never read this book as an adult, and then I forgot. And then remembered and audibly groaned. Just oh my fucking god, the writing was so bad. I remember thinking it wasn’t the best written book, but dear god. I was not prepared. Why did Stephanie Meyer keep mentioning things so specifically? There was no need for this. Oh, it took three EMS, really Stephanie? Three?? Why was this included.

I am HAUNTED by the fact that Bella drives a truck from the 50′s.  Are we pretending this makes her poor? That fucker had to be worth so much money. I am obsessed with the weird class component of this book. Stephanie Myer is so obviously rich, oh my god. Truly, the rich mormon just jumped off the page.

Reading this book as a (queer) adult, makes it obvious that everyone in this book is in fact gay. I don’t make the rules, it’s just true.

ALSO!! The plot at the end where they pretend that her injuries were because she fell down the stairs and then throw the window? Why did everyone just accept this?? That’s a deeply alarming lie. That’s the I tripped and hit the door knob level of bad lies. Does Bella know what you don’t have to spend your life taking care of others? It’s not healthy, Bella. You do not have a single healthy relationship in your entire life. Not one. You are not your mother’s keeper and you dad can feed himself. He’s a grown ass adult. And also a cop.

-Lily 

4.5/10 stars

Kit Webb Review

My overall thoughts were mostly: I liked the main characters and the side characters. I thought the plot was pretty interesting but it kind of dragged. By the time, Percy got shot by his dad, I was like “We get it, he’s an asshole, we were ready for this confrontation 50 pages ago.” They were a very cute couple but they weren’t a super passionate couple. If you want to read something fluffy and sweet and curl up with a mug of hot chocolate, this is the book for you. When you’re having a soft moment and everything is sunshine and rainbows, you can read this vaguely scintillating book. There’s some crime here, but no major shenanigans. I kind of wanted them to be doing worse things. I wanted to question whether I should be rooting for these two people to get together, but they weren’t asshole-ish enough. They didn’t go the extra mile, and they passed up having sex in a lot of cool places. They tried to be sexy but they were mostly just sweet. You tried. Nothing was inherently wrong with this book, it just wasn’t problematic enough. 

-Smurf

7/10 stars

Additional Ratings

Sexy Sex (Average): 3.5/10 

This would be so much higher but prudish Twilight drags down the other two. 

Historical Accuracy (Average): 7.5/10

There WAS a fever in 1918. Good job, Twilight! We also enjoyed the amount of detail Cat Sebastian put into describing Percy’s gay little outfits. 

Mystery (Average): 6.5/10

Unraveled really shines in this category, but the others consistently disappoint.

Nicknames (Average): 0/10 

All three books get a zero because we hated Smite’s name so much. 

Notes: My memory fades faster and faster every day. Soon I may not even know my own name. 

#courtney milan #cat sebastian #stephanie meyer #twilight #ttm review #romance novels #the queer principles of kit webb #review

[fixeddawn]

Edward, did you still leave Bella like your New Moom dumbass did or do you have a little more sense in this reality?

Edward: "..."

Bella: "Oh he did, I got a little more banged up than I did in the canon-"

Edward: "She was clinically dead for 64 seconds....It was the longest minute of my life. I was...a coward. I didn't trust her as I should have. I couldn't risk her life just by existing around her- But I was so entangled in my own anxieties I didn't think it through as I should have. It hurt us both immeasurably, and It cost me Bella's trust."

Bella: "No cliffs though, not on my end. Alice saw me getting attacked by Victoria, just for a split second, and jumped to conclusions."

Edward: "She still came for me in Italy, I was so angry and bitter and sad. It came to a head. Bella gave me the most painful tongue lashing I've ever gotten, and gave me an ultimatum."

Alice, from another room: "She told me she was gonna shove her foot so far up his ass he'd taste boot leather!"

Bella: "...It was hard, to forgive him. You don't get to walk away after you drop some world-altering information on a girl, you know? I was in, and I was furious that he still couldn't trust my judgement.

I told him I refused to be responsible for carrying his life and my own. I didn't want to be the reason his family lost him, first of all.

Second, he was going to go home, he was going to apologize and take his lumps without all of the self flagellation bullshit, he was going to clean up the fucking mess he made. Then spend the rest of his natural goddamn existence making it up to his family, and me."

Edward: "It was...a wake up call. I...I was an ass, in the gentlest of terms. And I needed to learn how to cope and solve a problem 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 her rather than deciding everything based on my own catastrophizing without any outside input. It took us a while to come back from that. But I spent a lot of time learning and earning trust through actions rather than words."

Bella: "He changed after that, he was lighter, less scared. He stopped carrying the weight of the world and let me help him for a change. He respects my thoughts, opinions and ideas, and always gives me a voice in decisions now. I suspect it will continue to be a learning experience for both of us."

Edward: "Regardless, I will never be that stupid again."

#bella swan #edward cullen #twilight #fixeddawn answers #text answer #the twilight renaissance

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Hi! As someone who’s literary opinion I really trust, I was surprised that you’re a twilight fan? I know almost nothing except commen knowledge things about that series, and I always assumed it was actually bad/un-feminist. What is it that you like so much that others seem to miss? I’m just genuinely curious about your take on the hate it always seems to get vs. it’s actual quality. I’m not gonna judge bc animorphs is also one of those books where you see it and assume it’s bad.

In over 14 years of loving this series, I’m not sure anyone has ever asked me why I enjoy it instead of simply trying to convince me that I’m wrong to do so.  So thank you for that.

First and foremost, I love the Twilight saga because of the vivid detail in Stephenie Meyer’s writing style.  The descriptions are so lush and dense with sensory information that you can practically bite down on them as you read.  Bella and Jacob aren’t just sitting on the beach; they’re sitting on a gnarled log of driftwood, worn smooth at the top from where so many Quileute teens have sat upon it during bonfires but still uneven enough to rock on its branches when Bella suddenly stands to rage at her own mortality.  Meyer describes that log in Twilight, so tangibly and with such economy of detail, that we recognize it immediately when Bella and Jacob return to that spot in Eclipse.  I’ve always disliked the movies, because I’ve always felt that the best part of Meyer’s writing simply did not translate well to the screen.

Secondly, I love the feminism.

Okay, let’s take a quick pause to let everyone gasp and clutch their pearls over me calling Twilight a feminist work.  I will address the criticisms later.  For now, please just hear me out.

Twilight strikes me as a premier example of what Hélène Cixous means when she calls for “women’s writing,” or writing for women, about women, by women, with a strong focus on the concerns and strengths and desires of womanhood.  This is a series about building and maintaining close relationships, both romantic and platonic.  It celebrates beauty, and love, and care.  Bella moves to Forks because she recognizes that her dad is lonely while her mom is quite the opposite, torn between family priorities.  She doesn’t simply subsume her interests to those of other people, but instead actively chooses how and when and where to express her love for her birth family and her found families.  Most of the other major decisions throughout the story — Alice “adopting” Bella, Carlisle moving the family to Alaska, Jacob becoming werewolf beta, the Cullens going up against the Volturi, etc. — are motivated by care and devotion for one’s family and friends.  Even the selfish or morally ambiguous character choices are shown to be motivated by love.  Rosalie tells Edward that Bella died because she genuinely thinks it’ll help him move on.  Victoria creates an army that nearly destroys Forks because she’s avenging James.  Alice abandons Bella and the others before the final battle because if she can’t save her entire family, then she’ll settle for saving her lover before letting him die in vain.

Not only is there a striking concern with love and care, but there’s also a strong commitment to avoiding violence.  Bella’s eventual vamp-superpower proves to be preventing violence and protecting others, an awesome character decision that I’d argue gets set up as early as the first book.  She lives in a violent world — this is a YA SF story, after all — but she has the power to suppress violence and create peace, both in herself and others.  I was already sick of “power = ability to inflict damage” in YA stories well before I knew the word “patriarchy.”  Twilight was one of the first books to convey to me that power could be refusing to do harm in spite of hunger or anger, that power could be shielding ones’ family, that power could be about building enough friendships and alliances to have an army at one’s back when facing an enemy too strong to take on alone.

Closely connected to all of that love and care, I love how much Twilight is about navigating teenage girlhood.  Is it empowering, intersectional, or all-inclusive?  Hell no.  Does it still dare to suggest that a completely ordinary teenage girl could have valid concerns about the world?  Yep.  The main conflict of the story, as Stephen King so derisively explained, is about the romantic entanglements of a teenage girl, and the book therefore has no literary merit.  (To quote my dad’s response: “Bold words from the guy who inflicted Firestarter on the world.”)

There is, indeed, a lot of romance in Twilight.  There are a lot of clothes.  Alice and Rosalie especially spend a lot of time on makeup, and hair, and choosing the prettiest cars and houses.  Twilight embraces all the stereotypically “girly” concerns of adolescence, and makes no effort to apologize for or condemn them.  Bella isn’t particularly good at performing them — she likes but doesn’t excel at shopping, fiercely defends her ugly car as ugly, hobbles through prom on crutches — but she can still enjoy the feeling of being pretty in a sparkly dress while dancing with her sparkly boyfriend.  And Twilight, like Animorphs with Cassie, takes the daring step of treating that feeling as valid.

Speaking of sparkles, I love the commitment to the fantasy concept in Twilight, including the myriad mundanities that Meyer brings with that commitment.  If you have super-speed, why not use it to play extreme baseball?  If you’re a mindreader with a clairvoyant sister, why wouldn’t you two play mental chess games?  I couldn’t tell you, after seven seasons of Buffy or eight of Vampire Diaries, what Spike or Damien or Angel or Stefan does all day when not brooding or lurking in the bushes to creep on human women.  I can tell you what the Cullens get up to.  Emmett and Rosalie work on their cars, usually by holding them overhead one-handed.  Carlisle and Alice read plays, and sometimes talk the whole family into home Shakespeare productions.  Edward and Carlisle debate theology, Emmett and Jasper have dumb athletic competitions, Edward and Esme play music, Alice manipulates stock markets, the twins go shopping online, etcetera.  The Cullens feel real, feel like the vampires next door, in a way that Louis and Lestat simply do not.

To get to the elephant in the room — I just described Twilight as a feminist text! — let’s talk about the other thing the Cullens do for fun: they have sex.  Weird sex.  Kinky furniture-breaking sex.  Sex that Emmett (who would know) compares to bear-wrestling.  These books suck with regards to queer representation, but they are sex-positive.  They feature an old-school Anglican protagonist offering his daughter-in-law a medical abortion.  They treat Edward’s desire for sex only within marriage and Alice’s desire for sex outside of marriage as both being valid.  Like I said, not groundbreaking, even by the standards of 2005, but still more than most teen novels do even today.

There’s a passage from Breaking Dawn that people love to pull out of context as “everything wrong with Twilight in two paragraphs” because it describes Bella waking up the morning after sex with bruises on her arms.  That moment is shocking out of context, to be sure — but in context, it’s the end result of an in-depth consent negotiation that lasts four books.  Bella says that she’d like to become a vampire.  Edward says okay, but only if she spends a few more years living as a human and considering that choice.  Bella says okay, but only if Edward, not Carlisle, becomes the one to turn her.  Edward says they can use his venom, but that Carlisle, who’s an MD, really needs to supervise the process.  Bella doesn’t love the idea of Edward’s stepdad cockblocking what’s supposed to be an intimate moment, and so agrees only on the grounds that she gets to have sex with Edward as a human first.  Edward’s hella Catholic, so he requests that they get married first.  Bella’s super horny, so she demands that the wedding happen within six months.  Edward says that he might hurt her during sex, and Bella says that she wants a little hurt during sex.  They marry.  They bang.  During the banging, Edward makes every effort to be controlled and courteous and gentile, while Bella goes wild and crazy.  The next morning, she has bruises and he does not.  Edward apologizes, but Bella’s actually really into it.  She spends a while admiring her sexy vamp-marked self in the mirror, touches the bruises many times, and reminds us yet again that Bella Swan’s whole M.O. is being a monsterfucker.  Her kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

To be clear, I think there are other aspects of the romance that get criticized for good reason.  Edward does not negotiate with Bella before sneaking into her room to watch her sleep, and he does make unacceptable use of their power differences when he thinks she’s in danger of being mauled by werewolves.  The text condemns Jacob’s “don’t wanna die a virgin” ploy to manipulate a kiss out of Bella, but not the wider conceit of all the male characters as possessing uncontrollable urges.  Bella’s struggles to adjust to a new town feel very feminine and realistic; her amused tolerance of Jacob’s and Mike’s sexual harassment as the price for their friendship does not.  Werewolf imprinting might be mostly platonic, but that doesn’t make it okay for Meyer to depict it as a form of soulmate bonding that happens with child characters. Those are good points, all around.  I just wish that most of them didn’t come up in the context of post-hoc rationalizations for loathing the femininity of a feminine text.

I’m not calling Twilight an unproblematic series.  I’m saying that it gets (rightly!) criticized for appropriating Quileute culture, while Buffy’s total absence of main characters of color and blatant anti-Romani racism are (wrongly!) not remarked upon. I'm saying that I’ve been told I’m a misogynist for liking Twilight but not for liking James Bond.  I’m saying that there’s a reason people tend to go “oh, that makes so much sense!” when I let them in on the fact that reactive hatred for “Twitards” started and spread on 4Chan, later home of Gamergate and incel culture.  I’m saying that Twilight depicts problematic relationship dynamics as sexy — but then so do Vampire Academy, Blue Bloods, Supernatural, Vladimir Tod, and Vampire Diaries.  All of which take the time to stop and thumb their noses at Twilight, smug in the superiority of having vampires that fly rather than vampires that sparkle, and for thoroughly condemning teenage girls for being girly while continuing to show men inflicting violence on them.

After all, as Erin May Kelly puts it: “we live in a world taught to hate everything to do with little girls.  We hate the books they read and the bands they like.  Is there anything the world makes fun of more than One Direction and Twilight?”  No one has ever called me a misogynist for liking the MCU, in spite of less than a third of its movies even managing to clear the low-low bar of the Bechdel test.  Because people are still allowed to like Harry Potter in spite of its racism, or Lord of the Rings despite its imperialism.  Because hatred for Twilight was never about its very real sexism, or the genuinely silly sparkle-vampires, until it had to justify itself as something other than hate for everything that teenage girls have ever dared openly love.

I enjoy the novels, and I enjoy the fan fiction that tries to fix some of the problems with the novels.  I appreciate the extent to which Meyer has elevated fan culture, and made an effort to acknowledge her own past mistakes.  I would love to be able to talk about my love for the series as a flawed but beautiful work of literature, but for now I’ll settle for asking that the world just let me enjoy it in peace.

#twilight #the twilight saga #breaking dawn #eclipse #new moon #stephenie meyer #fandom #nothing to do with animorphs #misogyny #ableist language #sexist language #long post #sexism #romance #anonymous #asks

[booksalwaysandforever]

Holding on to the Memories Chapter 3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Summary: Lauren’s life was a perfect dream, until one day it wasn’t. Cutting can distract you from life, but it can also take life away. Can Lauren get back home, or has it all been taken away from her?

Tag list:  @kai-unknown​

Length: almost 3000 words, it’s pretty long!

I’m so sorry, it has been forever since I posted. This chapter took a long time to write and I have had a rough couple weeks. I absolutely love this chapter and I hope you do too! I will try and get the next chapter out a lot faster than this one.

The darkness was all consuming. There was no way out, and no way to tell how long I had been here. It could’ve been 5 minutes or a month. I didn’t know. 

All of a sudden, the darkness lit up with millions of colors. At first, I thought the light was back, but as I watched the scene in front of me unfold, I quickly realized that wasn’t it at all. 

“Please, take care of her,” a woman, my birth mother, said as she handed a baby to Carlisle. 

“We will take care of her and give her a life as grand as if she were a princess.” She smiled at the answer and closed her eyes as her breathing stopped. Carlisle turned to the baby in his arms. “Welcome to the family, Lauren. I promise to love you as if you were my own daughter, as I’m sure Esme and the rest of your siblings will as well.” With that, he turned and rushed away.

This was a memory. It was mine, but at the same time, it wasn’t. I was too young to remember this. It must’ve been Carlisle’s. It was the day he found and adopted me. Carlisle had been hunting nearby and could smell the blood. He came as fast as he could to see what had happened and if he could help. Sadly, my dad was killed on impact and my mother was severely hurt. Carlisle couldn’t save her, but before she died, she gave me to Carlisle, in hopes that he could give me an amazing life. 

The memory quickly faded into another one.

“Everyone, I have some news,” Carlisle said as he walked through the door. “Meet your new little sister. Her parents were in a car crash and she has no other family, so she’ll be staying with us.”

Everyone piled around, getting a good look at their sister.

“Nessie,” Edward said, “she looks a little like you. And a lot like you did when you were human, Bella.”

“Yeah, brown hair, brown eyes, so similar.” Renesmee said, rolling her eyes as she moved closer to me. “Hi there girly. I’m Nessie, your big sister.” The little baby giggled and stretched their hands out to grab at Renesmee’s hand. When she got a hold of it, she pulled the fingers into her mouth and began sucking on them.

“I think she’s going to start using us all as teething rings,” Esme laughed as she reached her hands out to Carlisle. “Come here girly, Mommy wants to meet you.”

The moment Esme got her hands on the little girl, she began swaying side to side and humming to her. The baby was asleep within a minute.

“What’s her name, Carlisle?” Rosalie asked.

“Lauren Lee Stoel. She is about 4 months old I do believe. I have yet to see her official birth certificate, but I’m sure I will soon. The adoption process starts on Monday.”

“Wait, we’re actually adopting her?” Esme asked with a huge grin on her face.

“Yes dear. In a matter of months, she will officially be ours. She will officially be a Cullen.”

The scene faded again as another one began appearing. Renesmee was showing me as many memories as she could find, memories from my life, taken from the rest of my family, trying to help me wake up.

Esme opened the door to a room and walked in. I followed her in, but it was so dark, I couldn’t see anything. As my eyes adjusted, I realized it was the nursery. A baby, little me, was lying in a crib with Jasper sitting in the rocking chair nearby, reading a book.

“Jasper, what are you doing?” Esme quietly asked.

“I’m tryin’ to get used to her scent and calm ‘er down. She was fidgeting and having a nightmare, I think. I was gonna try and calm her down.”

Ever since that day, Jasper had been my best friend. Slowly, he had gotten used to me and every time I hurt myself or couldn’t sleep, he calmed me down.

The next memories were like pictures. There wasn’t much for talking, but there were short snippets of my life as a baby, captured like a picture.

Jasper was holding me and singing me to sleep while rocking in the rocking chair.

Rosalie was feeding me some mashed peas, which I had effectively flung back into her face. Everyone, including Rosalie, laughed.

Edward sat me in his lap, and was playing the piano. After a moment, I recognized the tune as my lullaby. I was banging on the piano as hard as I could, making it impossible for him to play.

Alice had dressed me up like a princess, practically in a ballgown. Baby me did not like that. I was screaming my lungs out and trying to pull it off. 

Emmett was lying on the ground beside me, playing with me. After a few moments, I yawned and fell asleep. Emmett appeared not to notice and continued playing with my fascinating baby toys.

As I watched these pictures, I realized that Renesmee wasn’t in all of them. She must have talked to everyone, asking them to tell her about some memories they had of me, and she painted the picture in my head. It was almost like I was there with them, watching myself grow up.

“Oh Lauren! Look at you! You’re so grown up,” Rosalie cooed. Emmett was holding onto my hands, helping my almost one year old self walk across the living room floor. “Come here, come to Rosy”

I let go of Emmett’s hands and walked the small three steps into Rosalie’s arms.

“Oh! Lauren, you did it!” she gasped.

“Yeah, you can walk now!” Emmett shouted

And another memory. A birthday no less.

“Happy birfday to me!!” I cried as I shoved my entire face into the birthday cake Alice had made for my first birthday.

“See, this is why we had to strip her before we let her eat it,” Carlisle said. “Lauren, do you like cake?”

“Oooooh, cake. I like cake,”

“Esme, I don’t think a bath is going to clean her. We’re going to need a garden hose.”

“I’ll go get the power washer!”

Everyone laughed. “Emmett, no! You do not get to hose down your sister with the power washer.”

Images of my second, third, and fourth birthday all passed by, along with many different images of me playing games with my family, meeting the wolves and playing with them, and other random memories. None of them were very long, just a moment or two, but that didn’t mean they weren’t important to me.

“Emmett, Jasper, can you guys take Lauren and go shopping for food for her this afternoon? Your father has to work and the rest of us need to go hunting,” Esme asked the boys.

“Sure thing, Mom,” Jasper said as he grabbed the keys. Emmett helped me put my shoes on and buckled me into my booster seat.

“So, what do you want for supper Lauren?” Emmett asked, turning around in his seat to look at me.

“Pancakes. And Mac and Cheese. Oh! And chicken nuggets.” Jasper laughed.

“We’ll see what we can get you squirt.”

When we got to the store, Emmett and Jasper followed me around the store and let me pick out anything I wanted. The best part of being the youngest kid was that all of my older siblings didn’t have the ability to say no to me. After 30 minutes of following me around the store, we walked out with several bags, mostly consisting of sugar, and brought them to the car. 

After spending the afternoon playing games and running around the house with Emmett and Jasper, everyone came home.

“So, how was shopping, boys?” Esme asked.

“Good, we got everything Lauren wanted.”

“Oh no. No no no.” Esme put her head in her hands. “Please tell me you bought more than just donuts, ice cream, and candy bars.”

“Don’t worry, we did. We also got her some fruit snacks, fruit roll ups, juice boxes, popsicles, and chocolate milk,” said Emmett with an innocent grin on his face.

“And some Mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, yogurt, fish sticks, and stuff for pancakes and waffles. Don’t worry, there is some actual food in there,” Jasper said, laughing at Esme’s horrified face. 

“So Lauren, what do you want to be for Halloween?” Jacob asked me.

“That’s a secret. You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Jacob always took Renesmee and I trick or treating. Renesmee was only one year older than my four year old self, so she passed for a young teenager. People still gave her candy when she was with me, so we always went together. Most of the time, it was too sunny out when we started trick or treating so none of the rest of the family could come.

A week later, it was time to go trick or treating. Alice was in my room helping me get ready. 

“Lauren, are you almost ready? We need to go before all the good candy is gone,” Jacob called from down the stairs. 

“I’m coming. I’m coming,” I shouted back. As I walked down the stairs, Jacob started laughing. I was dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood, and Renesmee and I convinced him to be a wolf. Renesmee was dressed as a grandma to follow along with the whole scheme.

“See, we match!”

From that day on, Jacob always called me Little Red. My Halloween costumes had earned me several nicknames. I dressed up as a bear for Emmett one year and he had begun to call me “brown bear”. I became known as “spider monkey” to Edward because I dressed up as a spider monkey one year for him, and the fact that I would always climb on everything when I was little. To Jasper, I was his “mini major”. I had dressed up as a cowgirl once and I often had a bit of a temper and was pretty sassy. The best Halloween costume though, was when I dressed up as a vampire. Alice and Edward helped me get red contacts, fake fangs, a cape, and everything else to help me look like a vampire in movies, even some fake blood and red juice to drink. Everyone loved it. It was by far, the best Halloween costume ever.

“Can I please know what my birthday present is?” I asked. Jasper had blind folded me and had slung me over his shoulder while he carried me somewhere. 

“No. It’s a surprise.”

“Come on, please? Pretty please? I’m seven now. I should get to know.”

“No.”

“Wow, this is one of the first times you’ve said no.” Jasper laughed.

“We’ve all had a hard time saying no to you since you’re so cute.”

“I’m not cute,” I exclaimed as I hit him as hard as I could without hurting myself. “Rosalie says I’m beautiful. Also, your shoulder hurts. It’s too hard. I’m going to break my hand one of these days from smacking you or Emmett.” Jasper laughed at me again.

“Then maybe don’t hit us.”

“But you deserve to be hit.”

“I agree with Lauren.” Rosalie said, standing somewhere beside me. Jasper set me down on the ground. I could tell we were outside due to the sound of the creek and the breeze blowing my hair.

“Okay, are you ready to see your birthday present?”

“Yes. I’ve been waiting a whole year!” Everyone laughed.

“Okay then.”

Rosalie untied the blindfold and everyone at the party began singing happy birthday. My family, the pack, Grandpa Charlie, Grandma Sue, Grandpa Billy, and even my aunts and uncles from Alaska were there. Alice had made this a huge party, with fairy lights hanging from the trees, a huge banner that said “Happy 7th birthday, Lauren” in fancy calligraphy, and a huge birthday cake. But the coolest thing I saw was a swimming pool with a diving board and slide, a trampoline, and a tree house in the climbing tree. 

“A tree house, a pool, and a trampoline?” I exclaimed, jumping up and down. 

“Yes dear,” said Carlisle. “You’ve been begging us to get at least one for a while and you’ve been doing amazing in school, so we decided to let you have all three. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I shouted as I gave him and Esme hugs. I ran over to the trampoline, and Seth, Jacob, Emmett, and Jasper followed me.

“Boys,” Esme called. “That is Lauren’s gift. Let's not break it on the first day.”

A billion more memories went through my head. Memories of riding on Jacob’s back through the forest and going on runs with all of my siblings and the rest of the pack. Memories of playing tons of board games and video games with Emmett and Jasper, learning to play piano with Edward, and learning to dance with all my brothers and Dad. Going shopping with Rosalie, Alice, and Bella, spending the night at Renesmee’s house and her spending the night with me. Having sleepovers at Grandpa Charlie and Grandma Sue’s house, sleepovers with the pack at Sam and Emily’s house, and even sleepovers in Alaska with Aunt Tanya, Aunt Kate, and Uncle Garrett. Making a flower crown for everyone in the Volturi when they came to visit, making Marcus smile for the first time in a very long time, pretending to be a vampire princess when I visited their palace. Singing and dancing for my entire family, playing tag with everyone, only for it to end with someone catching me, throwing me in the air, and tickling me. Memories of things like going tubing, or to an amusement park with Renesmee, Jacob, Seth, and sometimes the rest of the pack. Even just simple things like blasting music in the car on the way to school, or seeing everyone in the front row at one of my dance recitals. Every one of those billion memories reminded me of why I needed to fight to stay. I needed to hold on to these memories and go home. But how?

One last memory plays in my mind. This one definitely wasn’t mine, but it was everyone else's.

My entire family was there, standing in a hospital room, crowded around a bed. My bed. Renesmee was sitting next to me, on my right side near the window, holding her hand to my cheek. Jasper was sitting on my other side holding my hand, while Alice was standing behind him. Esme and Carlisle, Rosalie and Emmett, Edward and Bella, and Jacob were all standing around my bed. Edward spoke first.

“As you’ve realized, Renesmee has been playing as many memories as she could find for you to try and wake you up. So far, it hasn’t helped. I hope this does. We need you to come back, Lauren.”

“Brown bear, come home,” Emmett whispered just loud enough for everyone to hear. “We’ve got to play Cards Against Humanity.”

“Lauren, we found your gifts,” Rosalie said, reaching for the locket around her neck. “I love it. And I promise,” she said, opening the locket to reveal the picture inside. “I didn’t put anything embarrassing in here.” 

Esme’s crying was worse than it had ever been. Her body was shaking with sobs, which was very unusual for a vampire. She was turned into Carlisle’s body, who was holding her, but he looked like he was going to collapse himself.

“Princess, please. We need you,” was all he could choke out in a hoarse whisper. My dad was never like this. He was always cool, calm, collected. Right now, he looked like a mess. I had broken my Dad. And that broke my heart.

“Little Red, the pack needs you too.” Jacob said from behind Renesmee. “They’ve all been a mess. Especially Seth and Leah. They haven’t slept or eaten in days. We need you. Fight. Please, please fight.”

“Lauren, I need my best friend. I need help eating all the candy and ice cream at home, help beating the boys at every video game we own, help pulling all nighters and watching every movie for the six millionth time. I can’t do that without you. I can’t do it without my best friend and sister.”

Both Bella and Alice couldn’t talk, they were sobbing too hard. I left Alice speechless for the first time ever. 

“I love you too.” That was all Jasper could say. I had never seen him cry. Jasper did not cry. Not once. But now, he was. My big brother, the Major, the strongest of us all, was crying, no, sobbing. And it was all my fault. Slowly, Jasper leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

That kiss was true love. My brother loved me more than anything, and that was what fought the darkness. The feeling of his lips leaving my head were the first thing I could feel. That and his cold hand in mine felt amazing against my burning skin. Now, I could hear the sounds of everyone's sobs in my own ears. I was regaining consciousness! I had fought the darkness and now I could go home. I forced my eyes open and looked at my family, who, other than Alice and Edward, had no idea I was awake. Alice had gasped the moment Jasper had decided to kiss my head, so everyone turned to look at her.

“Jasper” I croaked. Everyone turned their heads to me as fast as they could, disbelief filling their eyes. 

“Lauren!”

#twilight #twilight imagine #Cullen Family #carlisle cullen #esme cullen #edward cullen #bella cullen #renesmee cullen #jacob black #jasper hale #jasper whitlock #rosalie cullen #rosalie twilight #alice cullen #Emmett Cullen #twilight imagines

[iheardarumorxxx]

Midnight Sun, Chapter 8 - Ghost

Guess who’s stalking Bella again? Did you guess dumbass Edward? If so, go get yourself a cookie bc you earned it.

He straight up calls Bella the object of his obsession right out of the gate. He also says ‘love’ but I don’t buy it. This is still not love and nothing he does is going to convince me otherwise. 

It’s sunny in Forks, so the Cullens are making themselves scarce in order to avoid the humans finding out about their sparkle skin. And despite the fact that everyone makes a big deal out of the sparkle skin, can we talk for a second about the fact that, in the series proper at least, it never really matters after that initial reveal (which I can not WAIT to get to in this book to hear all about how angsty Eddie feels about his body glitter). But seriously. The big reveal in the meadow harps on it, but then it is rarely brought up again, and not at all in times when it would matter. The big ‘climax’ (insomuch as it is) in New Moon is about Eddie exposing his body glitter to the people in Italy, but right before that, Alice and Bella get on a plane to go stop him and Alice isn’t causing a full on disco party in the cabin. It is, at best, an inconsequencial plot point strictly for the first book (and this one, as it’s companion piece) and very rarely ever brought up again. 

That was a tangent, moving on.

Moving on to shitting on Mike Newton again, apparently. Eddie (And Bella in her own book) just can not leave this poor boy alone. Literally all he ever did was have a crush on a girl.

I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree

Jesus, Eddie. Like, for one thing, I’m glad you can’t expose your sparkle skin, otherwise I might worry about poor Mike’s head. But that poor tree didn’t deserve your ire. It honestly is so scary tho, just how fucking strong SM made these vamps, combined with Eddie’s clearly violent tendencies and quick temper. 

to steal her away from the boy that I hated so much in this moment I could have kill him and enjoyed it.

There are two things extremely wrong here. I probably don’t even need to point them out to you, but I’m gonna anyway, because we all surely know how much I love my rants at this point. 

1) He literally just said he could kill Mike and enjoy it. He would be happy to murder this poor, innocent teenage boy who’s only crime is having a crush on a girl that Eddie also likes. Think for a second about the fact that Eddie has had all of four conversations with Bella at this point, and has been extremely nasty and condescending to her during at least three of them, up to and including outright laughing at her. But Mike is the one that deserves outright murder. 

2) He wants to steal her away. Literally Edward is talking about kidnapping Bella to get her away from Mike. He is not, in fact, taking her agency and autonomy into consideration when he thinks this. He isn’t thinking about Bella and what she wants. He is only thinking about himself and what he wants. He is only thinking about what would make him happy. He doesn’t give two flying shits about Bella, about whether or not she would want to be taken out of the situation she’s in or if she is actually enjoying her conversation with this person who, for all outward appearance, is her friend. He is simply thinking about how his feefees are hurt because Mike is talking to her and how he wants that to stop right now immediately.

I will deduct a couple of points from Mike for being so oblivious to Jessica’s crush on him. I mean, teenage boy dumb, sure, but Jessica is not subtle about it, and went so far as to ask him to that dumb dance. Still think they’re way too hard on him, tho.

And Eddie just kinda spends the school day jumping from brain to brain to keep tabs on Bella. Which is still creepy by the way. He is most happy when he can spy on her through Angela, because Angela is a soft, nice girl who has no personality of her own. 

I automatically planned my own surveillance

He’s so casual about stalking her. 

Eddie points out that he’s overdoing the stalking and obsessing thing, but as we’ve learned from this book and the four that came before it, if someone admits that what they’re doing is wrong, that just means they get to keep on doing it anyway.

Eddie is impressed that Bella is reading Sense and Sensibility, because clearly she is learned and wise. I wasn’t impressed in Twilight (especially because Bella’s inner monologue showed a clear lack of actual literary understanding of the work) and I’m still not impressed here.

Eddie just goes on ahead and wanders out into the sun after Bella falls asleep in the backyard, despite the fact that it’s a risk and a danger and anyone could see him there. And the bit where he’s sparkling is something, but imagine the scandal in a small town like this for him to be found in Bella’s backyard with her asleep. Even if he wasn’t a sparklePire, there would be gossip in town, because SM made Forks out to be one of those towns where everyone knows everyone and gossip flies.

He spends a while just hanging out in a tree and listening to Bella and Charlie have dinner, and it’s both creepy as always and boring at the same time. Then we get this line:

And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep.

I’m gonna harp on this forever guys. Eddie is creepy as fuck. He’s out here straight up stalking this poor girl, who is none the wiser. Watching her sleep every single night, spying on her most intimate and vulnerable moments. Even he admits that it’s wrong, but just keeps on doing it, not letting her have any privacy, and touting that it’s all in the name of love. I hate this guy so much, but even more than that, I’m actually genuinely afraid of Edward Cullen. He reminds me of my own possessive and emotionally manipulative ex. He gives me the vibes of every PSA ever about domestic abuse. More than the anger, he just makes me so uncomfortable. 

Jasper’s human eatin’ friends are leaving, and are saying their goodbyes to the family when Eddie gets home before his stalking trip after Bella in Port Angles. Instead of being a polite person, he heads inside and starts moodily banging on the piano, basically for the entire time they’re there and saying their goodbyes. Inconsiderate jerk. He offers them a goodbye as they’re leaving and then immediately heads out to go stalk Bella, and that’s the end of the chapter. 

I know what the next chapter is. I’ve seen the quotes. And I can’t wait to rip into it.

As always, feel free to shoot me a message or DM to chat or recommend what book I should recap next. Feel free to buy me a snack using the CashApp cash tag in my bio, and I’ll see you guys for the next one.

#sierra recaps stuff #midnight sun #midnight sun spoilers #twilight #ms chapter 8

[elysiumwaits]

CLOSET KINKY SEX GOD hahahahaha. twilight really set me up for disappointment in the irl sexy time area... damn.

So I just dug out my copy of Breaking Dawn because if I recall, this book was surprisingly raunchy for YA. The movie didn’t even touch it, there was none of this in the movie because they would have had to make it R-rated.

I can point to reading Breaking Dawn in sophomore year as the direct cause for a lot of my proclivities and my superhuman strength kink.

Here is a direct fucking breakdown of why we don’t talk about Edward the Closet Kinky Sex God enough. Here is some Twilight bullshit on your dash in the year of our lord 2019, I am so sorry. Also: this is why all the millennials who lived through this and read it are into the Weird Shit.

So the honeymoon scene is just plain fucking iconic. I didn’t care about the movie, I don’t remember much of it because it was so bad. But the book! The book.

It’s implied that it’s so intense that Bella just passes out afterward. She wakes up in the tatters of what’s left of her nightgown, covered in down feathers because Edward “bit a pillow. Or two.” She’s literally covered in bruises, and Edward fucking gored the headboard. And Bella’s like “listen okay I know you’re freaking out about this and I respect that but oh my god Jesus Christ I’m gonna need some recovery time but also we’re gonna do that again give me fifteen minutes.” He’s all angsty and she’s like “you’re killing the mood get naked.” Eight years later, in 2016, Vampire Bella will hear Ariana Grande’s “Side to Side” on the radio and think of her honeymoon with a grin, I know it.

Also, I would like to take this time to point out that Twilight was kind of revolutionary here because Bella pursued Edward. She had a sex drive and knew what she wanted - if anything, he was the blushing damsel and she was the rogueish rake trying to work her way into his bodice. She spends all four books like “well, we could bang. Just saying. We could do that.” And Edward is like “no, no, we can’t do that, marriage and vampirism.” and Bella’s all “it’s not 1918, where were you during the sexual revolution of the 70s? Women like that. Here I’ll send you the studies.”

I think that’s why 50 Shades offended me so much even when it was just a fic - once Bella got her own superhuman strength, Edward was no longer on top, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

So they do the whole baby thing which was like “whatever” to me. But then they get the cottage. They’ve basically been sexiled by everyone else. They get a love shack. And they immediately go break it in, where they don’t even make it to the bed, and there are some lines about how they can’t break each other and sensitivity

And then

And then Bella realizes that she doesn’t have to like eat or breathe or anything as a vampire. They have fucking marathon sex in a YA novel. 

Later Edward’s like “yeah, uh, Emmett and Rosalie were pretty much jumping each other all the time for an entire decade” and points out how you know vampires don’t actually sleep at night so you have a lot of time to get good at this shit once you find someone to do it with.

And then other shit happens, but those are the main points of the book. There’s a battle and stuff, idk, I didn’t pay attention. So yeah, we make fun of Edward’s dumb car and his thing for Bella in khaki skirts, but we do not give this guy enough credit for his apparent prowess in bed. And it’s possible that Bella, being inexperienced, was just happy to be there, but she seems to know the basics and P*rnHub launched in 2007 so I don’t really accept completely-innocent-to-everything!Bella.

Jacob wishes he could. 

Thanks for coming to my stupid TEDtalk.

#twilight #breaking dawn

[booknerdateen]

Halloween Book Recommendations!👻☠️🎃....Part 1

Hello, my loves!! If you saw my last post, then you know what’s coming. If not, let me tell you....I wanted to do a Halloween Book Recommendation post (long one) in the beginning of the month since it’s pre Halloween month-as I call it for right now. That didn’t happen for the last couple days because I was busy. But here we are! Now...be amazed of allllll the choices you got and even if some may not be your genre or type, that is okay!

📖 The Diviners Trilogy by Libba Bray

This series is one of my favorites...sadly I haven’t finished reading the 2nd book (Lair of Dreams), but with my Halloween binge I am planning on rereading and finishing it. This is 1920’s New York...nuff said. But anyways, we have different persoectives told in 3rd person (I have no idea which 3rd, cuz those I can’t remember for the life of me), who has abilities to see ghosts/future, etc... aka Diviners. Basically physics in other words. In the first one, they battle out this evil monster dude (which is creepy...the monster dude). Lair of Dreams deals with this mystery illness...I can’t say much for this one since I haven’t finished it yet. Before the Devil Breaks You is the 3rd and final book and I don’t know what that one is about.

The audiobooks-y’all do them-I have no comments. I read The Diviners physically (I didn’t really get into audiobooks till recently this year). I did try and listen to Lair of Dreams, but it wasn’t for me. i may give it another try, so no promises on this though. I have heard that they are really good, so hopefully they are as well for you.

📖Stalking Jack the Ripper Series by Kerri Maniscalco

This series is one of my favorites! I’m gonna say that for so many here, but I love this one to pieces to where I preordered the 3rd book (Escaping From Houdini) and also the 4th and final one (Capturing the Devil. CTD is being shipped on the 10th this month (6 DAYS) from my Barnes and Noble location, so I don’t know if it will arrive that day or not.

Anyways, this series follows Audrey Rose Wadsworth in the late 1800s dealing with the Ripper murders. The second involves Dracula, third is Houdini, and the fourth is H.H Holmes. Yes, America’s first serial killer! Sorry, I’m very excited about that. Being a girl in the 1800s/1900s, you’re not really have much to live for. Audrey rather do things that guys can do (forensics in this case), then being at tea parties. I don’t blame you, girl! Then, Thomas Cressworth comes in as well and they both solves these crimes together with the help of Audrey’s uncle (a mortician). If that doesn’t get your interest, then Idk what will.

📖Confessions Series by James Patterson

This series is more mystery than horror. I personally love James Patterson and he has always been one of my favorite authors. This one follows the Angel siblings after their parents’ mystery death (that mystery is the center of the first one (Confessions of a Murder Suspect). These siblings aren’t necessarily ordinary in some since. I don’t want to give away anything, but meds has the reason for that.

Tandy Angel (main character here) solves these murders/crimes throughout the books. The second one contains school murders (not shootings, thankfully) (Confessions: The Private School Murders). The third (Confessions: The Paris Mysteries) takes place in Paris, France. I have not read this one nor the 4th one (Confessions: The Murder of an Angel) so I don’t have any opinions on these ones. It is really good and if you’re a sucker for mysteries and James Patterson boos, then here you go!

📖The Women’s Murder Club by James Patterson

Another Patterson series...I’m a sucker for them. At first, I had called this the Number series because I didn’t know what the series was called and the only thing I knew was that they have numbers in the title.

Meet Lindsay Boxer (main character), homicide inspector for San Fran; Claire Washburn, medical examiner; Jill Bernhardt, assistant D.A.; and Cindy Thomas, San Fran Chronicle writer. 4 amazing chicks who kick butt, form the Women’s Murder Club to solve these murders. Freakin girl power! The chapters are quite short, sometimes longer, but usually short, which if you’re good with that, then cool, if not, that’s okay! I’m pretty sure the latest book of the series published is the 17th one...maybe 18th....one of those two. These are the ones I currently have.

📖The Merciless Series by Danielle Vega

If you love horror, possesion, all that stuff, you’ll love this series. I first discovered it on Facebook when the book trailer popped up. It was a interesting trailer and caught my tention. Couple years later, my senior year of high school, the book fair came (appears twice a year, this was the first appearance) and I had to buy it. It was $8 bucks, originally $10.99. If you are very religious, then maybe not this series. Lots of said people said its Mean Girls and the Craft mixed together.

The first two books follows Sophoa Flores as the main character. Sophia, being the new girl, befriends the 3 populare chicks (Plastics), who they want her to befriend this outsider (Brooklynn). Mean Girls basically but little bit reveresed. Then things happen. Spoilers, so I can’t really clarify it. Second is and it’s what the 2nd is also called....The Excorsim of Sophia Flores...DUN DUN DUNNNN. The third (Origins of Evil) is where Brooklynns story begins, so we know how Brooklynn became and what not. The 4th and final (The Last Rites) features a little bit of Sophia, but this main character is Berkley Hubbard, fresh out of rehab. Honestly, these books do scare me, but not like how when I watched the Conjuring the first time. Perfect read for Halloween season!

📖Mrs. Peregrine Series by Ransom Riggs

Now, I have not been able to finish the dang first book, so Idk. From what I have read and remeber, it is really good! It’s kind of horro...I don’t particularly think it is, but others do. This has mixed media, mainly pictures, but fascinating ones! The four books follows Jacob Portman and his friends of peculiar aka they have abilities and their adventures they have. If you’ve seen the movis, then you understand what I mean. Ransom’s writing is one of my favorites and having pictures/media in them makes me happy. I am a visual person, so the pictures help me a lot.

Anways, the first book is where Jacob is in the peculiar world where the peculiars live in this never ending time loop of the same day, but they rewind time before bombs happen aka Poland in WW 2. I’ve heard so many amazing things of this series! Jesse the Reader (booktuber) LOVES this series and he will recommend it to the end of time.

📖Visions Trilogy by Lisa McMann

These three books involve visions. If you have seen Medium (with Patricia...I cant remember her last name), then you will love Visions. They don’t involve any ghosts, so that’s a difference from Medium.

Here we have (Crash) Jules Demarco, who is seeing visions of this explosion everywhere. She realizes this explosion will happen very soon and she has to stop it before it happens. Not much, I know, but the next one (Bang) (sadly deals with a school shooting), her crush gets the visions this time. The third one (Gasp) has this random character who the two save last book ends up getting the visions then. This vision is a boat accident...a ferry to be precise, but nothing like Titanic...at least I don’t think so. This was a good series and really liked them. Easy to read in 1 day...unless y’all are busy and or a slow reader like me.

📖The Asylum Series by Madeleine Roux

Horror, ghosts, random past lives stuff! I only have the first two books (Asylum and Sanctum), but I think there is a third and one or two novellas. I love these guys! You get some pictures and letters in the books, so cool!

Here is Dan Crawford, who is spending the summe at the New Hampshire College Prep program. Abby Valdez and Jordan (no last name was given) are his new found friends at the program. The catch of all this, the newly built dorms is where the Brookline Asylum used to be. The three friends uncover secrets of their pasts and families and such. It’s such a good series.

📖The Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer

The infamous Twilight books. Y’all may have expected this or may not have. I do not have an opinion on this series just yet. I recently read Twilight for the first time and really liked it. That said, hopefully I will get to the other books and see where my opinions lie.

Everyone knows what this series is about, but if not, come to me. Isabella (Bella) Swan moves from the heat of Arizona (I feel you Bella) to the rainy world of Forks, Washington. There, she meets the Cullen siblings...mainly Edward...who happens to be vampires. Bella and Edward get closer and start dating and what not. Ah yes, the infamous woods scene where Edward is like “Say it!” to Bella, it actually happens in the car so casually. This series contains a love triangle of a human, vampire, and a werewolf.

📖The Chronicles of Vladmir Tod by Heather Brewer...okay it’s formerly Heather, but it is now Zac Brewer

I love this series...even though I only read the first two books and a little bit of the 3rd one. If you love vampires...well half human half vampire then yessss! Half human, Half Titan....Half human, half ghoul....if y’all watch anime, then you probably get the two references. Okay...onto the synopsis!

Vladmir Tod is the equivalent of...dang it what is the word....ahhh disgrace cuz he is half human and half vampire. In the vampire world, humans and vamps dont go together. He is raised by his Aunt Nelly, who of course knows he is half vampire. His best friend, Henry also knows. Throughout 8th Grade to 12th Grade, he’s gotta deal with bullies and vampire slayers. What a hard knock life for this dude.

#booklr #booklover #bookworm #booknerd #book things #bookaddict #books #bookish #halloween books #halloween #twilight #twilight series #the chronicles of vladimir tod #stalking jack the ripper #hunting prince dracula #escaping from houdini #kerri maniscalco #james patterson #womens murder club #confessions series #the merciless #danielle vega #miss peregrine’s home for peculiar children #map of days #hollow city #library of souls #lisa mcmann #lair of dreams #the diviners #libba bray

[solarflarefanfiction]

Solar Flare 5

AN: I know Bella is very emotional, but she is 17, and despite what she thinks, she’s highly emotional, coming out of a deep depression, and has an understandable fear of being abandoned.

---

“Jake” the cold night air blowing against my overheated skin tickled against my skin as if I’d been shot through with electricity.

I heard harsh breathing and realized Jacob was not gone, just standing beside the truck, bent over with his hands on his knees and breathing heavily as if he’d just run a very long way.

“Jake!” I scrambled over the seat, banging my knee against the gear shift, and almost tumbling head first out of the cab in my haste.

I reached out a hand, wanting to rest it against his back, see if he was alright. But had I hurt him in some way?

“Jake! Are you okay?” I asked instead, hand half extended.

“You-You didn’t stop me,” Jake said, sounding breathless. He grasped my hand and stood up. His face was flushed, and flushed further when he glanced over at me.

“Stop you from what?” I climbed back into the truck and felt Jake’s hand briefly brushed my hip, as if to steady me.

He was blushing heavily as he climbed in after me, his eyes still glancing at me and away.

“Stop me from—“ He blew out a breath “What we were doing. Bella, you were fine with that? With me- with us…”

Now I was blushing deeply as well, my face atomically hot in a way much less pleasant than the fire that had swept through me before.

“You don’t want…”

He laughed suddenly putting a hand over his face.

“Bells, what part of that felt like me not wanting you?” He ran his hand through his now short hair, as if he’d forgotten that it was now close shorn.

“But you…”

“God, that was—are you trying to kill me?” He laughed again and turned the car back on.

“I don’t understand” I whined, hating myself for doing so.

“Bella…did you really want our first time to be…that?”

Now I flushed anew, in a whole new shade of humiliated.

The truth was, it hadn’t occurred to me where what we were doing might lead. I had been pure feeling; I’d been running on instinct and heat and want.

“I’m sorry,” I said chastened. Why hadn’t I stopped, even thought of stopping? Why had it always been Edward who pulled away, who had never been carried away, had worried about virtue and taking things slow?

Was it something about me? That I got out of control, like some kind of crazy virgin nympho? Or was it that I just wanted him, wanted them, much much more than-

“Bells, no, don’t cry.” Jake looked over at me, alarmed, pulling over the car once again, to reach and pull me across the seat toward him again.

With my face against his shoulder (when had he put his shirt back on?) I felt better and worse, and perversely, my tears fell freely.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” I cried, nonsensically, while he awkwardly stroked his hand down my back.

“Bells, I’m not mad!” he said desperately. “I thought you would be! I just grabbed you! I practically mauled you! I was surprised you didn’t slap me, push me away. Now that I know you’ve never…never…” he broke off, blushing. “Shit. I want to to be different for us, is all, the first time at least.”

My tears were drying rapidly, my heart lifting absurdly. I was being so so stupid. Assuming the worst. Jacob wasn’t…him. He’d promised to never ever leave me. He loved me. He loved me.

“Really?”

Jacob sighed in apparent relief. “Of course. Jeez, Bells, I love you.”

“I love you too, Jake.”

I peeked up, conscious that my face must be terribly splotchy and red. But we was looking at me with such a look, such a beautiful look. I couldn’t look away.

He coughed finally, looked back at the road.

“So, can I drive you home now? I’d rather not risk Charlie’s wrath tonight.”

“Just tonight?” I teased, leaning against him. I’d been stupid, but I couldn’t really regret it now, filled with relief.

He looked at me, heat in his eyes, the same heat that had stroked its way up my body just minutes before.

“Gotta save up my credit with him while I have a chance Bella.” He grinned at her. “So try not to look too teary when you see him. I don’t want him to think I screwed up. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s gotten a bit more protective lately.

I laughed, wiping my eyes.

“You’d think he’d be used to me falling apart by now.”

“As someone who loves you, Bells, it’s not something you get used to.”

I reached over to pat his hand. “Thanks Jake”

He smiled, “Now, now. we can’t get started again. Keep those hands to yourself, Bells. I know I’m irresistible, but- “

“You are, you know. Irresistible.”

“Ah, come on, you’re making me blush.” But he glanced over and gave me one of the smiles that made me feel like I’d been filled with bubble bath.

It was enough that, when I got home, with my bag of purchases, and now in a kind of breathless good cheer, Charlie was apparently unworried.

If he saw any lingering redness around my eyes, well, he knew better than to ask.

The incident with Jacob started me thinking though.

The way he said, “us,” “our first time,” “when we,” he was talking about the future. Our future. A future in which we made love, and stayed together.

A future in which Edward really never came back.

A future where I moved on?

I knew it was odd. I loved Jake. It was probably too fast, too strange. The Cullens had left, and I’d been gutted for months.

Now I was in love with Jake, part of the pack. How long had I been in love with Jake?

But I still wasn’t making plans for the future. Not really. I’d forgotten how to think about the future.

I’d fought with Edward about going to college, about going to prom. What did those things matter, when I was going to be a vampire. I was going to have forever to go to college, to do everything.

Except I wasn’t.

Edward didn't love me. He'd left, forever. He hadn't wanted my love.

Jake loved me. And I loved him, despite everything that had happened. I loved him enough to want the future that i had left to be with him.

Things couldn’t go on this way. Falling apart, taking Jake with me. I needed to really decide to get better.

Easier said than done.

I needed a plan.

____

It sounded simpler than it was. I’d suffered a loss, a major blow, which had crushed both my heart, and my plans for the rest of my life.

But still.

I’d been in a fog for months. I’d almost died, and I hadn’t cared. I still felt afraid, so afraid, that I would lose Jacob too, and without him once again spiral off into the darkest parts of my mind and heart.

I couldn’t keep spiraling though, clinging to Jacob because I couldn’t bear to be alone, falling apart at each minor hiccough or potential set back. It would be like drowning him to save myself, and he would let me do it. He'd go down with me, fighting my demons when I couldn't or wouldn't until it destroyed him.

I couldn't quite think up a whole brilliant plan forgot to fix myself. But I figured out step one.

say goodbye

Which brought me to this lonely, almost invisible lane early the next Saturday morning, sitting with the car off, just out of sight of the grand house in the woods that had once been everything I wanted.

This is a bad idea Bella. Go home.

Oddly calm, I looked to the side and saw him.

Angelic and flawless he looked as if he were sitting beside me.

I hadn't seen hallucination Edward in a few weeks, likely by dint of spending few of my waking hours alone, and no longer indulging in my pursuit of self-destruction.

He was beautiful, and it hurt to look at him and remember all of my dreams. To remember that I still loved him. It turned out you could love two people at once.

But...it was bearable, somehow. Maybe because I'd been making a new life for myself, maybe because I'd simply adjusted to the pain.

Don’t worry. You’re human--your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind. (New Moon 72)

It was one of the things he'd said that still haunted me. As if i was cursed with this sense that if ever I regained some semblance of peace and happiness I was proving that he'd been right. That I hadn't been able to love him enough for him to stay.

I turned away from Edward, and turned the car back on, continued down the little lane until I pulled up in front of the Cullen house.

It hurt.

If I had hoped that magically- and with the help of Jacob, but also Kim, Leah, Emily, Embry, Quil, Seth, even Paul, Jared, and Sam--that my pain had gone away, well,  it hadn’t, of course.

Here, all alone in front of this place that represented more than almost any other what I had lost, here the pain was still a burning wound.

I was stronger now though. I didn’t turn away and run. I didn’t fall to the ground. I stared at the big, empty house, now quiet and abandoned. It still looked more haunted now than it ever had when it was full of vampires.

“Hello, Edward.” Alice. Jasper. Carlisle. Esme. Emmett. Rosalie. I thought of them too, the strange, beautiful family I’d thought for one beautiful summer would be mine.

“I miss you. It’s isn’t like you said. It isn’t easy to move on.” I was holding myself, like always. Clutching my hands around my rib cage, as if it would keep me from falling apart, or collapsing.

“I wouldn’t have moved on, if you’d stayed. I would have been with you. Even as a human.” my lips barely moved, I felt like I was freezing from the inside out. But my voice still sounded so loud in the empty clearing, with only this vacant house to hear.

“I didn’t try and stay safe. How could you make me promise to be safe? You knew I would promise you anything.” I was so glad I’d broken those promises, and it was strange how that bitter joy sat in the middle of all my pain.

“I did it to break my promise” but that wasn't totally true.

"I did it for you, to feel close to you. But…I did it for me too. And now…I didn’t mean to move on Edward. But…”

The next part of what I want to say still felt like sacrilege “It wasn’t fair, Edward. How could I prove you right and move on? You left because I was too weak, I know. I wanted to prove you wrong.”

“Forever is a long time, though. Even if it isn’t as long as I thought it was going to be.”

My lips were cold and stiff now, and I couldn't get any more words out. That was okay. None of them were really good enough.

I took a shaky step toward the front steps, then another.

Soon I was sitting on the front steps, looking at my truck and the woods beyond. And I was all right.

I sighed around the pain in my chest. How could you say goodbye to people who didn’t want your goodbyes?

Now, when I was waiting for him to appear, my phantom Edward was nowhere to be seen, and it was just me and my memories.

My tears were warm as they splashed onto my freezing arms.

I let myself cry without holding back, or feeling guilty, or pretending I didn't feel anything.

It felt like goodbye. It felt like I would drown. Again.

I sat for a long time, as the sun rose higher in the sky and finally poured full force over the front of the house.

I was stiff from sitting on the hard stairs for so long, and shaky with a mix of too much crying and most likely hunger.

But I was all cried out, and it felt weirdly good. There was relief, rather than the dark never-ending despair I only half-remembered from the time right after Cullens left, or the blank emptiness that followed.

I should go home. See Jacob. My heart was lighter now, though I hadn't done anything but cry over the same pain that’d been bothering me months.

Oh, but there was one more thing I needed to do.

I didn’t really have any Edward keepsakes. He’d made sure of that when he left.

I had the wreck of the speaker I’d pried out of my truck. It didn’t have many Edward memories tied to it (which was probably why he hadn’t take it with him). I’d decided to bury that here, because I needed to be rid of it. Seeing it, all I could remember was the desperate pain I’d felt as i clawed it out of my truck in the first, terrible days after they left. Frantic but tearless, like a wild creature.

But I’d found something real to bury here, to bury with this dead version of my future.

It was my prom dress from last year.

I retrieved the trash bag with the torn up speaker, my pretty, still not me, dress - now tucked in an old shoe box, and a spade I’d dug out of Charlie’s garage.

Luckily, the dirt in Esme’s garden was soft, and easy to dig, because I wasn’t so caught up in my plan as to relish unglamorous hole digging.

Still crouching in the dirt and placing that sad, beautiful, totally wrong prom dress at the top of the little grave felt right. Piling the dirt on top of the box and patting it down until you couldn’t even tell where the hole had been was satisfying and physical.

Goodbye Bella...Cullen

It still hurt to think that, the most forbidden of my forbidden thoughts. But it was true, that was who I was burying. That idea of the beautiful, perfect, vampire me. The me who would keep Edward for a thousand lifetimes.

“Owoooooooooo” A howl in the distance pulled me out of my reverie.

“Jacob?” I asked no one at all. It was absurd to think that I could distinguish his howl from the others, let alone from what sounded like miles distance. But even so, as I heard a second howl answer the first, I was sure it was Jacob.

Was he in trouble? What if the vampires had attacked?

“Jacob!!”

I scrambled to my car, brushing my dirty hands on my jeans and flinging myself into the driver’s seat, fingers shaking and fumbling with the keys. The old truck seemed to take forever to start up, and I turned it too quickly, almost fishtailing out of control before I’d gone anywhere.

My phone rang as I was barreling up the Cullens’ long drive, but I couldn’t answer it without crashing the car, and so I ignored it, instead turning, too quickly, onto the highway, heading for La Push, and hopefully, if not Jacob, at least one werewolf who could tell me what was going on.

The empty highway seemed ominous, even though I knew the stretch from Forks to La Push was never high-traffic. I couldn’t focus on anything like speed limits, not that my truck would be winning any speed awards anyway. I jumped whenever I thought I saw something in the forest beside me, and the truck jumped too, almost swerving off the road a couple times.

It seemed to take hardly anytime, and also much too long, before I was pulling up in front of Emily’s house - where I’d driven without consciously choosing my destination.

“Jacob?!” I cried, in a stumbling run toward the front door.

“Bella,” two voices said, almost as one. Emily was coming out the front door to her house, looking concerned and confused. And Leah was striding out of the forest, looking relieved and annoyed.

She was also naked, and I shot my eyes back to Emily, feeling my face heat up.

“Leah, did something happen to Jacob?” Emily asked, coming towards me with concern to grasp my shoulders and hold me upright.

“Bella!” Leah repeated. “What's wrong? Where the fuck have you been?”

“I was—I heard the howling, was it Jacob? I thought—something must have happened, so I just came here. Emily, where’s Sam? Where is Jacob?”

Emily looked more concerned now “There was a distress call, from Jacob. I don’t—Leah?”

I followed her gaze back to Leah, keeping my eyes trained on her angry face.

“The distress call was for Bella. Somehow, someone slipped through our patrol. And when Jake went to the house to check in—you were gone, had been gone for hours. No fresh leech smell, no sign of a struggle. But gone.”

A car was pulling up, recognizable as Jared’s, with Kim looking a bit pale in the front seat.

I turned to look for a split second and out of the corner of my eye saw Leah explode back into a wolf and give one more howl.

Jared, halfway through scooping Kim out of the car, slowed, setting her on her feet beside him and taking her hand to gently tow here toward Emily and me.

“What’s up guys? I heard the call, but I had to go get Kim. False alarm?”

“It looks that way.” Emily sighed, dropping her hands from my arms and smiled tentatively.

“It sounds like we’re about to have more company. Why don’t we all go inside.”

Kim, looking dazed, widened her eyes at me in question. I shrugged.

Jacob hadn’t actually thought I was missing, had he?

Leah was the first to follow us in. She’d thrown on a long, loose cotton dress, and stalked in as if in full battle armor.

“I repeat: What. The. Fuck.” She said, glaring at me.

“I don’t understand! I just went…to run an errand. I didn’t sneak out! I didn’t think anyone would worry! I’m fine!”

Leah gave me a measuring look, then blew out a breath, looking calmer.

“So what you’re saying is, Jake’s an idiot?”

Jared snorted, dropping heavily on the couch, which made a creaking protest, next to Kim, an arm draping over her narrow shoulders.

“Nothing new, then. Now what?”

“Now, I guess I break out the emergency rations.” Emily seemed to have regained her calm, and headed for the garage. Kim perked up, snapping out of her apparent confusion.

“Ooh! I’ll help, do you have any blueberry? I’m starving!”

"But, Jake--"

Leah snorted. "Oh, he's coming, don't worry. They all are. In fact-"  She tilted her head, scowl deepening, then turned back to the door.

A moment later I heard it too, the unmistakable sound of Jacob, bellowing in anger and pain.

"BELLA! Bella! Damn it, Sam, get off me! I know what Leah said! Bella!"

"Jake!" As always, his pain called to me, and I hurried toward the door, only to find Leah immovable, blocking my exit. She flung the door open, but shook her head and block me when I tried to duck around her.

"No. He's not in control. Idiot."

"Bella!" Jake shouted, striding unbelievably quickly toward me, looking like a storm cloud and shaking all over. "Where the hell were you!? Are you allright?"

"Leah, it's fine, let me go." She didn't. Jake saw and his face darkened with fresh anger.

"I'm fine Jacob- I just was running errands!"

Sam and Paul, who I'd paid no attention to, stepped in front of Jacob as he stepped toward the steps up to Emily's.

"Get the fuck out of my way Sam." Jacob snarled.  Literally, it was a sound not meant to come out of a human throat.

I made a failed attempt to duck around Leah and saw Embry and Quil lope up to flank Jake, smiling but looking nervous and placating.

"It looks like she's fine, Jake, you saw what Leah showed us. Now just take a breath. You'll scare her." Embry smoothed. Quilt seemed less calm, shaking slightly himself, in that unsettling way the wolves all did when they were in danger of changing.

"It's fine, I'm not-" I tried to interject, but several things happened nearly simultaneously: Jacob's hand shot out and he shoved Embry, hard enough to send the smaller (well, less giant) boy flying back across the drive, narrowly missing impacting with my truck. Quil danced back several feet and exploded into a wolf, narrowly missing stepping on Seth, who'd been hanging back, uncertainly, causing Leah to curse and burst away from the doorway toward her brother.

"Enough!" Sam ordered sharply. "Jacob, you need to focus. You are not going into that house if you are in danger of shifting."

A hand dropped onto my shoulder and I started.

"Not so fast, Bella" I could feel the tension humming through Jared, but his face and voice were mild and calm. "Jake won't thank us if you run out there and he really does lose it."

Jacob was glaring between Sam, Paul, and Jared. He looked suddenly at me, face unreadable, and then cursed, and dropped his hands to his knees and took several deep breaths, shuddering, but moving toward normal human movement. The werewolves and I (and Kim and Emily too) all watched silently for a moment. Quil lay down with his head between him massive paws, and Embry limped to sit on the front step, scowling, but not looking seriously angry. Leah dragged her brother toward the house, glaring at Jake.

After only a minute, though it seemed much longer, Jacob was just bent over, hands braced on his knees, no longer breathing hard, or shaking as if he was bursting at the seams.

Jared relaxed fractionally, letting go of my shoulder and I darted forward toward Jake, tripping down the stairs with no control, but miraculously on my feet, I flung myself at him, arms extended. He caught me and held me for a too-brief moment, and I could feel the echo of his recent fear.

"What happened Jake? Why did you think I was missing? Did she come near the Charlie's house again?"

"Where in the hell were you Bella?"

"I just had to run some errands?" I repeated what now somehow felt like a very lame excuse, still bewildered. "I didn't think--"

Jake held me back at arm's length and frowned down at me.

"So you just snuck out, not letting anyone know, not warning anyone, for some errands?" He demanded. Like I'd purposely avoided him.

Well, I was glad that nobody was around to follow me. That was private.

It wasn't fair. I could feel tears building up somewhere deep down, but it wasn't fair. Why should I feel bad? I didn't want to worry Jake, or any of the wolves. But I wasn't some prisoner, or a helpless child.

"I didn't sneak!" Not a great comeback, admittedly, but it felt good, in a way I couldn't place.

"Well, you didn't tell anyone where you were going--"

"I didn't know I wasn't allowed to leave my own house without your permission."

One of the wolves, who of course we're all still there, inhaled in a pained sounding sympathy.

"We are trying to protect you, in case you haven't noticed!"

"In case you haven't noticed, I've never complained, and I appreciate you doing so much, risking yourselves, hunting Victoria..." I was losing the initial flush of my anger, recalling all the sacrifices the wolves, most of them my age or younger, were making for me. Tears of frustration were burning in my eyes. Why could I never fight for myself?

Because you need him to love you.

I glared Jacob, with the most sincere anger I could manage.

"I came over here as soon as I heard the howls. I was worried about you, you jerk!"

"We tried to call you," Leah said, in a carefully neutral tone from the steps.

I remembered my phone ringing and colored.

"I was driving over. I couldn't answer without crashing the car, I was driving too fast."

Leah nodded, and I realized what the movement I’d seen out of the corner of my eye had been.

“Yeah, that’s true. She was a menace on the road. Almost crashed like 5 times.”

A huffing laugh came from one of the other wolves, as Jacob closed his eyes as if in great pain.

"Jeez, Bells, you are going to be the death of me."

I half-glared, confused now that the tension was quickly dissipating.

Jake sighed and shook himself, looking at me with a less certain glower.

"You should have left a note or something."

I scowled at him, despite feeling like the world was righting itself.

"You could have called me before jumping to conclusions." I paused, noticing how tired Jake looked now that he was no longer furious.

I reached out a tentative hand, pausing just for a moment in hesitation before I grasped his.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Jake.”

He ran a hand over his head, in that way that always tugged at my heart, because it meant he’d forgotten again  that he’d cut all his beautiful hair off.

“Yeah, well, I guess I could’ve…” he trailed off, looking uncertain and weary. He would have always over reacted. Who knew better than me, except perhaps the pack, how absolutely deadly the vampires could be.?

I stepped forward hesitantly, placing my hands over his still tense arms.

“Nothing is going to happen to me, Jake.”

He pulled me toward him and wrapped his arms around me.

“Shh. Don’t jinx it, Bells.” His voice had a smile in it now though.

“You don’t believe in jinxes” I poked him in the side.

“I might start.”

“Jerk” But I was feeling pretty unjinxed as he tugged my toward the house, and the telltale smell of warm muffins and family.

#twilight fanfiction #jacob x bella #jacob x bella fanfiction #Team Jacob #solar flare

[mittensmorgul]

8.15: Confession time, I really don’t like this episode (surprise!), but for the sake of completeness, here have some meta-relevant quotes from it. That’s all the brainpower I’m willing to devote to this one...

(some people don’t like the weird dog episodes and some people don’t like the worst of bucklemmig, and this just happens to be a confluence of both of those things, making for something extra special for some people... named Mittens...  >.>)

Freaking witches...

Sam and Dean are debating the nuances of the Three Stooges (whyyyyy bucklemming?)

DEAN: Wait, so you're telling me that James the cop became a witch because of us? Unh-unh. [ DEAN Laughs ] PORTIA: You don't like dogs, do you? [ DEAN Scoffs softly ]

Great, another life ruined via contact with Dean Winchester (or so he believes). And after all of Dean’s history with hellhounds, just reiterated in all its glory and made a thousand times worse by the events of the previous episode? It’s impossible to believe that Dean has any positive feelings towards dogs at the moment...

Meanwhile, James the witch consults with a friend about his troubles:

SPENCER: James, it's too much -- all that you've taken on. Not just the workload, but the nature of the work. Look around. See a lot of cops, do you? Life in this realm is life on the fringe. We don't fit. [ SPENCER Sighs ] How do you reconcile what you are with what you do?

So a life involved with the supernatural doesn’t mesh with trying to hold on to life in the “real world?” You don’t say...

Meanwhile Sam and Dean talk about the trials again:

DEAN: Look, we get too far down the road with this, we can't go back, And it'll be too late for me to jump in. SAM: Who says that you're gonna have to? You know, maybe I'll actually pull this one off. DEAN: I'm just saying. SAM: I know what you're saying, Dean. You've said it. You know, I've been going over this and over this, asking myself "why doesn't he trust me?" And it occurred to me, finally. It's not that you don't trust me.It's that you can only trust you.

Gee, I wonder why that could be? It’s not like everyone he’s ever loved has either left him or died because of him, or because he failed to save them. And it’s not really that Dean doesn’t trust Sam to complete the trials, but that he just knows that the cost of doing these trials is going to be the steepest one either of them has ever had to pay, above and beyond selling his soul for Sam’s life back in 2.22. Far beyond saying yes to Lucifer. And Sam might have this positive attitude that he intends to somehow survive slamming the gates of hell forever, Dean understands that the power of positive thinking is just not gonna change reality here.

So on that level, no, Dean might trust in SAM, but he believes Sam’s essentially deluding himself here. It’s not ABOUT TRUST. It’s about Sam’s inability to see the reality of his situation here, compounded by the fact that Sam begins hiding the damage the trials are causing him from Dean, keeping important secrets because he’s afraid of “failing Dean” here. Like Cas in s12, Sam just wants to do one thing right, to make up for what HE feels are a long string of personal failures in Dean’s eyes, but Dean has NEVER seen it that way. They’re misunderstanding each other in a fundamental way back in s8, but this conflict and the chaos they create because of it becomes the key to a lot of horrible choices and even worse consequences that (after a long dark night of the soul for both of them) lead us to them finally dealing with each other in a far more functional and less codependent way in s12. So it takes a long time, but they do learn from these lessons eventually...

DEAN : I got to ask. I-I can't help but wonder -- PORTIA: Which came first, dog or girl? DEAN: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm just curious as to which one you consider yourself, mostly.

Bucklemming take this potentially interesting conversation and drag it down to the most base level by making it about Portia’s sexual relationship with James, but it is an interesting notion considering the dualities and the string of “part human-part monster” creatures in s12. S9 may have dealt with interspecies relationships, but now we’re being faced with things that are both monstrous and human at the same time. The nephilim, the BMoL, so many dual-nature beings and so many dualities in general (like Black Bill and Moloch), and even Castiel himself. So... which does Cas consider himself now? Angel or man?

And oh, ugh:

PORTIA: James, don't! We'll do this together. JAMES: No, we won't. It's not safe for you. Our time together is over. PORTIA: Standing by you is my duty, my choice! JAMES: Portia, the ceiling is coming down on me. You still have a life.

It’s both her duty and her CHOICE to stand by him, but he just wants her safe regardless of what happens to himself. SOUND LIKE ANYONE WE KNOW?!

*spends five minutes gently banging my forehead on the keyboard*

(honestly it sounds like freaking EVERYONE we know...)

JAMES: You made me think I was a killer. Ed Stoltz put you up to it. He found out you were a witch, tried to blackmail you. SPENCER: You're not using your thinking cap, Jimmy. It was actually crucial that he didn't believe in the occult. I'd say he's built quite a solid case, don't you? JAMES: I don't understand. SPENCER: Of course you don't. Neither of you ever considered my feelings. JAMES: Portia? This is about her? SPENCER: Can you imagine the insult when she chose you? I wanted her as my soul mate the moment I saw her. JAMES: She was meant to be my familiar. SPENCER: Oh, she's way more than familiar, isn't she? When she picked you as master, I endured it. But when you two went all Bella and Edward, broke the code, put your passions before the community rules, well, the arrogance, the entitlement was too much. Your total ruination seemed appropriate.

And there you go. Everything that happened was down to petty jealousy. James had what Spencer wanted... Portia’s love. As if he could force her to love him instead... just like Brian with Kate in 8.04, just like the vampire master in 8.05 with Andrea...

DEAN: You sure you don't want to stay and fight this? SAM: Look, we can help you. JAMES: Eh, Spencer was right. Ed Stoltz has built enough of a case against me to make life hell for a long time, and the community here wants no part of us. PORTIA: We start over. We're used to it. It's the way it's always been, for all of us.

So the supernatural has finally driven James out of his normal life. But at least he has Portia by his side. Which brings us to our BM scene:

DEAN: No, that's not what I meant. Back there, when Spencer had us. He screwed with my head. I saw mom... When she died... And then some other crap. SAM: Yeah. Me, too. DEAN:  You know, when I look back at what our family's been through, what everybody's been through, seeing all that pain... I realize that the only way we've made it through it all is by hanging together. I trust you, Sammy. With this deal, locking those sons of bitches up in the furnace once and for all, it's too important not to. So if you say you're good... then that's it. I'm with you 100%.

And in the next moment Sam starts coughing, and then LIES AND TELLS DEAN HE’S FINE AS HE HIDES THE FACT THAT HE’S COUGHING UP BLOOD.

So Dean trusts YOU Sam, but do you really trust Dean?  My sources say no...

#spn 8.15 #s12 meta rewatch #bucklemming canon acrobatics #seriously though why doesn't everyone just trust dean's gut instincts it's like he's got an uncanny magical gift here... #breaking the codependency #using your words #sam vs reality #*mittens attempts to become one with the universe amid the sea of duality* #are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel) #lies and damn lies #here have my belated thoughts on the whole love... and love #spn duality

[brio-burton-blog]

Get To Know Me Tag

So I attempted to make a YouTube video doing this but it turns out that, as I predicted, I am much more confident behind the camera. I don’t tend to enjoy showing my face all that much. I thought that a pretty cool alternative was to write instead. So here we go I guess. 

1. What is your middle name? 

I happen to be a deprived child as I do not have a middle name. But I do get what seems to be a pretty complicated first name but I’m not sure that that’s much of a luxury. It makes things difficult in Starbuck’s haha. 

2. What is your favourite colour? 

My favourite colour is like a dark emerald/forest green. If I have fellow nerds reading this, then you will probably understand me when I say the best way for me to describe the colour is to call it ‘Slytherin green’. (FYI, I’m not a Slytherin, I just love that sort of dark green.) 

3. Who was your first best friend? 

Her name was Rachel. We went to the same childminder and when we were very very young we used to argue a lot. We grew out of that stage and we were best friends for many years. Unfortunately, I’m not in contact with her anymore.

4. How tall are you?

I literally just went to measure myself for this question. I’m exactly 5′4″. To be honest, I’m pretty proud of that as my family are all either short or average height, so to fall under average is a privilege with my genetics. 

5. Cats or dogs? 

Cats. 100%. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. They are pretty energetic though and cats are pretty chill and therefore much more on my wavelength. Not as much as tortoises are though. Those guys are awesome. 

6. Funniest moment throughout school? 

Okay so I presume this excludes College which is a shame because I’ve got some really awesome moments from College. So if we are talking high school and primary school, I’m kind of at a loss. I didn’t have a particularly happy childhood, but that’s a whole other story. If I had to pick, I’d probably go with my maths lessons. I was in set 1 so people assumed that our classes were boring and hard work, but actually, in year 9, we had the most awesome teacher. We’d basically spend the entire lesson gossiping and the teacher would tell us some funny stories about herself. The one I remember best was about her irrational fear of rice. (I don’t even know aha.) Also, when I got diagnosed with severe depression, she was super supportive. Turns out that she struggled with it herself, so she completely understood. What a legend, I hope she’s doing well. 

7. How many countries have you visited? 

Okay so I’ll have to count. I live in England and I’ve visited Wales, Ireland, France, Spain, Ibiza, Minorca, Majorca, Lanzarote, Fuerteventura, Zante, Crete, Italy, Germany, Japan and Switzerland. I think that’s it, although I have visited some of these places multiple times. So I think that’s 15 altogether. 

8. Are you in/have you been to College? 

Well I’m using the English definition of College which is generally further education for 16-18 y/olds. But this can differ depending on your educational background. So I’m starting College in September. I’ve just finished school which is an odd and kind of sad thing. But I’m doing a course in TV and Film production which is very exciting! 

9. What was your favourite/worst subject in high school?

This is a fun question. My favourite(s) were always Physics, Maths, Art, Music and Drama. I hated the acting part of drama but coming up with ideas for productions was always super fun and interesting for me. My worst subject(s) were always English and P.E. Thank the lord above that I don’t have to do those subjects anymore. I love writing and I love reading but I hate being told what to write/read. And I think if someone ever asks me to analyse text again I’ll run away to the north pole and live as an eskimo. We won’t even get on to the subject of P.E. I don’t want that pain to be brought to the surface. 

10. What is your favourite drink? 

Coffee. Yes! I love it more than I love myself. Soy lattes. Honestly so amazing. But I do like the odd smoothie, tea, and sparkling water. 

11. What is your favourite animal? 

Essentially all of them. But if I had to pick I’d probably go with Pigs. But I do love Cows, Goats, Degus, Bearded Dragons, Tortoises, and Cats. Ooh also Gorillas. I really want to hug a Gorilla. Probably one of my life goals. I clearly have high expectations of my life. 

12. What is your favourite perfume? 

I do love the Strawberry scented one from The Body Shop. And Si by Giorgio Armani smells lovely and reminds me of my mum which is nice. Also Eccentric from Victoria Secret smells heavenly. 

13. Tea or Coffee? 

Coffee would be my first choice most of the time but tea never fails to cheer me up when I’m down. So I want to say both. But I think I’d find it harder to live without coffee than tea. 

14. What would you name your children? 

I haven’t really thought about it. I’d maybe say Alistar, Belle, Luna, or Tom? I’m sure I’ll find more names that I like though in the future. 

15. What sports do you/have you played? 

I’m not a massive fan of sports to be honest but I enjoy swimming, diving, biking and badminton occasionally. I went through a very sporty stage where I was in the Basketball, Football, Netball and Badminton team. Ah the days when I had energy and was productive. How far ago they feel. I also LOVE dancing but I mainly do it when I’m home alone as I’m possibly the least coordinated person on Earth. I can’t even run without it looking like I’m on some form of recreational drug. 

16. What is your favourite book? 

Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig. Matt is a brilliant writer and a lovely guy. I met him a few weeks back. It was a privilege. There are very few people that I feel comfortable around from the get go, but he was one of them. In this book he talks about mental heath. It’s incredibly moving and always makes me feel incredibly lucky to be alive, even though I don’t always feel that way. If you don’t know him, check his work out, follow him on twitter etc etc. (@matthaig1) He also writes novels and I’m currently reading his latest, ‘How to Stop Time’ It’s shaping up to be extraordinary. (Have I sold him enough yet?)      

17. Who are some of your favourite YouTubers? 

I have many, many, many of those. I shall reel off a list. Amy Ordman, The Bakeey, Chris Klemens, Alexis G. Zall, Rose Ellen Dix, TheRoxetera, WiseHufflepuff, Hannah Witton, emmablackery, BriaAndChrissy, Cammie Scott, LukeIsNotSexy, UnsolicitedProject, JaackMaate, Ash Hardell, Banana Warrior Princess, James Aspey, nowthisisliving, The Vegan Activist, doddleoddle, Stef Sanjati, TheRealAlexBertie, MissFenderr, MilesChronicles, Ally Hills, Kristina Schiano, Vegan Geezer, Evan Edinger, Tessa Netting, Rob Chapman, Mayin Bialik, MyHarto, Lucy Moon, Savannah Brown, Jake Edwards and Alien in a Box. 

Note: I am also subscribed to various BuzzFeed channels, various band accounts, Watch Mojo, TheEllenShow, The Graham Norton Show, Pottermore and other YouTubers that I’m not a fan of as such, their channels and topics just interest me. 

18. What is your favourite movie? 

Ahh. How am I supposed to choose?! I am such a movie nerd. Okay. My top 5 are Girl Interrupted, Fight Club, Sweeny Todd (the one with Johnny Depp), Pitch Perfect 2 and the live action Beauty and The Beast. (I would feel mean picking one and not all of the Harry Potter Movies.) I’m going to have to choose the live action Beauty and The Beast simply because it’s fun, uplifting and so beautifully made. (Also the soundtrack is heaven.)   

19. Are you single or taken? 

Single. 

20. What’s your idea of an ideal first date? 

Maybe coffee and a posh night out in London. Like a jazz bar and maybe a theatre performance. Honestly, I doubt that would ever happen, but I suppose a girl can dream. If I get to choose who the date is with could I opt for Anna Kendrick? Kind regards. 

21. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? 

Excluding my primary school boyfriend, 4. There was someone I met in hospital, someone I met at school, someone I met online through a mutual friend, someone that lives round the corner from me. 

22. Favourite memory from childhood? 

Erm... I’m sure there’s something... Well I do always miss being young and innocent and waking up early and walking to school with my parents. The birds would tweet and the sun would shine and I’d have lovely chats with the teachers and my childminder. And my dad would pick me up and we’d bike home and I would watch 64 Zoo Lane and eat Ice Cream. Ah the good old days. Ooh and Christmases and trips to Cornwall. Not gonna lie I still enjoy all of this stuff. I guess childhood wasn’t too bad. Well, for the first 7 years at least.

23. Do you speak any other languages and how well? 

I don’t. I can do the odd phrase in Spanish, Italian, Greek, French, German and Japanese at a push. I won and award for my French around 5 years back. But I’ve slept a lot since then so I don’t remember all that much. Also I had a terrible French teacher a few years back who put me off the subject for life. Let’s just say she wasn’t my biggest fan. 

24. Do you have any siblings? 

I have a step sister. But that’s all. She’s pretty amazing though so. Also she’s currently living in Japan which means I get cool stuff because it turns out that Japan are way ahead the UK in creating top notch backpacks. 

25. How would you describe your fashion sense? 

Band merch/Harry Potter tees, jeans and hoodies, pretty much. I also own the odd flannel. Doc Martens, Converse and Vans are the footwear of choice. Beanies are pretty cool too. For colder days denim jackets and ‘leather’ jackets are my jam. So basically the casual lesbian look is my style. Way to fit the stereotype, Bri. 

26. What is your favourite restaurant? 

Okay, I have three. YoSushi, Handmade Burger Company and Bella Italia. All three have amazing vegan options. Also they all hold really happy memories for me. 

27. What are some of your favourite TV shows? 

Ooh, I like quite a few. My number one would have to be The Big Bang Theory. I also love Sherlock, Orange is The New Black, Miranda, 13 Reasons Why and Stranger Things. 

28. PC or Mac? 

Mac all the way. I have nothing against PC but I recently invested in a mac and it is my life. I find it easier to use and I much prefer the layout. 

29. What phone do you have? 

I have an Iphone 6S in rose gold. (With a really cute cat case, just saying.) 

30. What is one of your bad habits? 

Biting my nails. I’ve done it for my whole life and I can’t, nor do I have any intention to stop. 

That’s all for today, thanks so much for reading! I’m definitely going to try and post much more often from now on. 

Lots of love, Briony.