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gilmores-glorious-blog · 4 years

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5 times Klaus regretted wearing a skirt +1 time he didn’t

Considering he was a child soldier who heard the screams of the dead, being queer was not the strangest thing about Klaus Hargreeves by a long shot. Still, he wasn’t quite sure what to think when he started liking boys as well as girls (and everyone in-between) at age eight. Or when he realized he wasn’t quite a boy a year later.

He knew not to tell anyone. That was the last thing this family needed. Besides, Klaus already felt so isolated from his siblings, he knew being ‘the gay one’ wouldn’t help matters. So, he kept to himself, and occasionally he’d find ghosts who were nice enough to talk to about things. There was one ghost in particular who he enjoyed to talk about boys with- a blond soldier, who told Klaus that he was also gay.

Once when he was nine, Klaus met a ghost who looked like a woman, but talked like a man. They told Klaus they were what was called a drag queen. Klaus’ eyes lit up as the ghost talked to him of dressing up in skirts and makeup. He was so entranced by it all that he could nearly ignore the gruesome strangle marks and bruises around the ghost’s neck.

That night, while Allison was off in the attic with Luther, Klaus snuck into his sister’s room and picked out her nicest skirt. He ran back to his room and locked the door behind him, ignoring the dead around him.

Klaus looked in the mirror on the back of his door as he put the skirt on. Smiling, he twirled around a few times and watched the pink fabric spin with him. He liked this. It was loads better than the stupid outfits his dad made him wear.

He was so caught up in his happiness that he didn’t notice the door was opening until it hit him in the face.

“Klaus! Oh my gosh, are you okay?” He heard his sister’s voice from the ground he’d been knocked to.

“What are you wearing?” Luther’s voice this time, a little behind Allison.

Klaus sat up tentatively and wrapped his arms around his knees. “Nothing?”

Allison glared at him. “You stole my skirt!”

Klaus jumped up and took the skirt off, disappointed to remember how he looked with just jeans on. “I only borrowed it! For a bit!”

Allison said nothing, just snatched the skirt back from him and looked it over as if to make sure Klaus hadn’t ruined it for the two minutes he’d had it.

“Why’d you even want to wear that?” Luther asks. “You’re not a girl.”

Klaus knew his brother didn’t mean for the words to hurt, but they did. A lot.

He shrugged, not making eye contact. “Dunno. Wanted to see what I looked like.”

Luther just looked confused. Allison rolled her eyes. “You’re so weird, Klaus.”

They left his room, leaving the door open. Klaus could smell his father’s cigarette smoke coming up from downstairs, and for what wasn’t the first time, he wanted more of that smell.

It took three years, but Klaus finally got his sister to let him borrow her skirt. He hadn’t asked for a while after the last time because of how badly it had gone, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how he looked while wearing it. And how he felt while wearing it. Klaus wanted to feel like that more.

So he’d started to butter up Allison- mostly by letting her use him as a test subject for all her makeup. Klaus did genuinely enjoy that, though. It gave him more time with his sister, time he’d never had before, and on the rare occasions Allison didn’t screw up and leave him looking like a reject clown, he loved how it felt to wear makeup and have painted nails.

Klaus finally felt brave enough to make his skirt request one day when Allison had just finished painting his nails a dark blue.

“These match perfectly with that skirt of yours, Al.” He said, nodding toward the where said skirt was hanging in the open closet.

Allison gasped a little. “They do! You should put the skirt on!”

Klaus resisted the urge to pump his fist. “Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

Allison nodded eagerly, jumping off the bed to grab the skirt. “Of course!”

Klaus smiled, gladly taking the skirt from her and putting it on. It was long, meant to be floor length, and it nearly went down to his feet (he was a lot taller than Allison). The fabric was shiny and swishy and Klaus couldn’t stop twirling.

Allison clapped her hands suddenly. “Ooo! I just remembered something!” She grabbed her brother’s hand and started to drag him out of her room.

“What?” Klaus was curious, but wasn’t sure he wanted the rest of the family to see him in the skirt. Dad was in his office, though, and Klaus supposed everyone else would be fine with it. So he let his curiosity get the better of him.

“I think I’ve seen Mom wear heels that are the same color as the skirt!” Allison was leading Klaus’ towards their mother’s closet. He had to admit, heels sounded very exciting.

“They should be around here somewhere…” Allison muttered, tossing other shoes out of her way in search for this specific pair. “Oh! Here!”

She turned and presented her brother with a pair of stilettos that sure enough, matched his skirt and nails. Klaus grabbed them and put them on.

He promptly fell against the doorframe. “Shit!”

Allison laughed, taking hold of his arm and leading him out of the room. Slowly, Klaus sort of got the hang of walking.

“Christ, these are hard to move in!” He shakily let go of Allison’s arm, but he kept his own extended for balance.

“They’re not that bad once you get used to it. I borrow Mom’s heels all the time just to practice walking around in them.”

“Why in the world would you do that?”

Allison shrugged. “If I’m gonna be a famous movie star, I should know how to wear high heels.”

Klaus smirked. “Right, of course, how could I forget about your Hollywood plans.” He put on a high-pitched voice, “Look out world, I’m Allison Hargreeves!”

Allison slapped him, nearly causing him to fall again. “Just for that, I’m making you walk all the way downstairs to show Vanya your outfit.” She began to move down the staircase they had found themselves at the top of.

Klaus took this as a challenge. “Oh, you think I can’t go downstairs in these shoes? I bet you I can run downstairs in them.”

“Klaus, that doesn’t sound like a good idea-”

He ignored her and took off. “Vanya!” The more people around to watch him beat Allison at something, the better.

Surprisingly, Klaus made it almost halfway down before something went wrong. He saw that his shoe was caught in the skirt, but not in time to stop it.

“Klaus!” He heard Allison cry from above him as he crashed down the rest of the stairs, hearing the fabric of the skirt rip.

Jesus Christ, his mouth hurt.

Vanya and Allison reached him at the same time, and they worked together to pull him up from the floor.

“God, Klaus, you’re bleeding.”

Klaus spit out some blood and attempted to talk. “No shit.”

His brothers all came running, having heard the fall from where they were training. Ben immediately crouched in front of Klaus and examined him with concern.

“Dude, what did you do?!” Diego exclaimed.

Klaus tried to talk again, but it hurt too much. Allison answered for him. “He tripped while running down the stairs. Which I very clearly told him not to do…” She pointedly added, staring at Klaus, who spit blood at her and enjoyed watching her jump back with a shriek.

“I think you broke your jaw.” Five said with shockingly little sympathy in his voice. “I’m going to go get Mom, she’ll know how to help.”

“You know, you shouldn’t have worn those heels. Something like this was bound to happen.”

“Gee thanks, Luther, I hadn’t thought of that!” Klaus managed to speak. Damn, it hurt to be sarcastic.

“...Or the skirt.” Luther said, trying like always to get the last word in.

“Yeah, okay, I got it!” Klaus spat, raising his voice a little. It was the last he would speak for eight weeks, but at least Luther didn’t get the last word.

“Bennnnn!!!” Klaus hollered, knowing his brother was downstairs, but too high to be bothered to move.

He lay his head on his bed, waiting to see if Ben had heard him. Judging by the footsteps coming up the stairs and the annoyed mumbling, he had.

“What?” Ben said, opening the door. He clearly wasn’t in the mood for Klaus’ bullshit, but Klaus had his mind set on something and he needed his brother to do it.

“I…” Klaus sat up shakily, gesturing at himself with a flourish, “am going to come out to Dad.”

Ben’s eyes widened and he moved fully into the room, closing the door behind him. “You’re… you are? Really? Now? Are you sure?”

Klaus lit a cigarette. “Yeah! Why not?!”

“I can think of plenty of reasons why you shouldn’t, the most notable being our father isn’t exactly warm and cuddly, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Awww,” Klaus batted his eyes at Ben. “You’re so sweet. But I’m fine. The guy has hurt me enough, I can deal with a little more. Plus, he already hates me for the drugs and shit, so this can’t make things all that much worse.”

Ben bit his lip and looked nervously at his brother. “If you’re sure, there’s nothing I can do to stop you. But you have to be careful.”

Klaus put an arm around Ben. “I am fifteen, now, brother, and I have lots of money that I’ve acquired through all sorts of legal means. Plus, Pops still needs me for missions and publicity stuff. And we all know I’m the pretty one, so he can’t fuck me up too bad.”

Ben laughed a bit. “Right. You’re the pretty one.” He stood, ignoring his brother’s offended gasp.

“So. How are you gonna do it? Sit the whole family down for a chat?”

Klaus looked disgusted. “Hell no, that’s way too fancy. Plus I’m pretty sure everyone already knows, even though I’ve only officially told you and Diego so far. I’m probably just gonna dress up all feminine, go downstairs, and improvise.”

“As far as plans go, that’s about a three out of ten.” Ben remarked.

Klaus stood, throwing his extinguished cigarette aside. “Sounds good to me!”

Ben sighs. “What do you need me for? I mean, I’m glad you told me about this, but please tell me I’m not directly involved with your shitty plan.”

“I need you, brother dearest, to raid Allison’s room.”

Ben just stares at him. “No.”

“Come on! I gotta get femme stuff, and I haven’t bought any myself yet. And we both know Vanya doesn’t have any. I just need a skirt, a cute top, and some makeup.”

“And why can’t you acquire these things yourself?” Ben crosses his arms.

“Because she’s sick of me doing that, and she’ll get mad. But you’ve been elected Nicest Hargreeves, and she’ll never get pissed at you.”

Ben didn’t comment for a while, just stared at Klaus. Klaus thinks something about his whole sad, broken, victorian boy aesthetic must have convinced Ben, because the next thing his brother says is, “Fine.”

***

Half an hour later, Klaus is dressed in a sparkly pink skirt, a white crop top, and insane amounts of makeup.

“You look pretty.” Allison smiles. Ben ended up having to fill her in on what was happening, but she was more than supportive. She just wanted to make sure her brother didn’t ruin her clothes again.

“Thanks, Al.” Klaus did love how he looked, but he was too nervous to appreciate it fully. His high had worn off and now he has no idea what made him think this was a good idea in the first place.

“Alright, you ready?” Ben asks.

Klaus takes a deep breath. He looks at his brother and sister, smiling at him. His gaze sweeps over the corpses starting to reappear now that the drugs are wearing off.

He makes eye contact with one of them, one he hasn’t seen in years, since the first time he wore Allison’s skirt all those years ago.

The blond soldier smiles at him kindly, with what appear to be tears in his eyes. He says something that Klaus can’t quite hear from across the room, but it looks like he says ‘you’ve got this, soldier.’

“Number four!” Klaus hears Reginald call from the library. He flinches, but reminds himself that the disdain in his father’s voice has nothing to do with the way he’s dressed- not yet, anyway.

He turns and looks at where Ben and Allison are huddled at the foot of the staircase. Ben gives him a thumbs up and Klaus walks into the library.

“Yes?” Klaus responds, a cheeky tone in his voice that’s hopefully hiding the fear that’s hidden there.

Reginald turns to look at him, and Klaus nearly passes out in the seconds it takes for his father to scan him up and down.

“What on earth are you wearing!?”

Klaus does a little twirl, “a skirt. Among other things.” He thinks if he dissociates himself from the conversation and just lets his instinct take over, it won’t be quite as scary.

“You can’t be wearing that.” Reginald replies instantly.

“Why not? I think I look quite dashing.”

“You’re a boy! It makes you look very queer, and that’s the last thing your reputation needs.”

Klaus resists the urge to look at his siblings again for encouragement. This moment is entirely yours, Hargreeves. They can’t help you now.

“But I am! Queer, that is. Not quite a boy.”

Klaus feels a hand connect sharply with his face.

It would hurt more if that same hand hadn’t hurt him loads of times before.

His father is still talking, still yelling, still hitting him. Klaus ignores him. He wants out of this skirt.

When Reginald didn’t accompany his children on missions, there were a few things that changed. Diego didn’t stutter as much, for one. And Ben wasn’t forced to kill quite as many people. Allison’s rumors weren’t quite as harsh, and Luther didn’t hit the bad guys quite as hard. They still got the job done- they were The Umbrella Academy, and even though they were getting older, they had a reputation to maintain- but they weren’t nearly as violent without their father there, encouraging them to hurt more people.

As for Klaus, when he went on missions without dear old Dad, he wore and did whatever the fuck he wanted. He knew as well as all of his siblings that he wasn’t in any way helpful to missions unless somehow the job getting done required communication with ghosts. (And even if it did, Klaus would almost definitely be too drunk or high to talk to the dead.) So it had been unofficially decided that when Reggie let the kids do missions on their own, Klaus didn’t really do anything unless completely necessary, and they were all fine with that.

Klaus still enjoyed tagging along on missions, though. He knew damn well that he was still a fan favorite, so to say. He was inexplicably more charming than any of his brothers, so interviews were mostly comprised of him and Allison being endearing and the rest of the siblings standing there looking tough. Today’s mission, Klaus was feeling bold enough to wear a skirt- one that actually belonged to him this time! Allison had bought it for him at their last birthday, and though she claimed to only be doing it so he wouldn’t keep stealing hers, it was a very sweet gift and Klaus was excited to finally wear it during a mission.

The job was taking longer than it normally would, and Klaus was passing the time by making out with a very cute boy he saw watching him in the crowd. Klaus didn’t particularly want to hook up with his fans, but anyone that actually knew him was too repulsed by what they saw to want to be close to him, so he took what he could get.

Eventually his siblings finished whatever they’d been doing, and Klaus was interrupted by a smack on his back.

“Come on lover boy, we gotta go.” Diego said.

“Fine,” Klaus whined. He took a pen from the boy’s pocket and scrawled his number on his arm. “Call me.” He winked and let Diego drag him away while rolling his eyes.

It wasn’t until they got home that Klaus realized the consequences of what he’d been doing.

The moment they walked in the door, Vanya was waiting there to greet them- which was odd, usually she was holed up practicing her violin.

“Klaus!” She said, sounding panicked, grabbing her brother’s arm before he could walk past her like he was going to.

“Uh… hi Vanny?” Klaus was unclear on what was happening.

“Did you intend to come out on national tv?”

“I’m sorry, did I what?!”

“Come here!” Vanya kept a hold of Klaus’ arm and dragged him towards the nearest tv, the other siblings trailing behind them with concern.

Klaus had no idea what his sister was talking about. He was a bit scared, very confused, and also in no way surprised if Vanya was right and he had accidentally come out on national tv. That is one hundred percent on brand for Klaus Hargreeves.

Sure enough, when they got to the tv, a news reporter was talking over a blurry photo of Klaus kissing the boy from the mission. The headline at the bottom of the screen read Umbrella Academy’s Klaus Hargreeves Secretly Gay?

No one says anything for a minute as they all listen to the reporter talk. Finally, Klaus says, “I didn’t think I was keeping it a secret.”

Ben laughs weakly beside him. “Yeah, guess the public just has a terrible gaydar.”

“Dad’s gonna kill you.” Diego whispers, getting a grunt of agreement from Luther.

“Probably.” Klaus agrees, still staring at the screen where the reporter was now discussing/judging Klaus’ choice of clothing. “I feel bad for the kid, I hope they don’t identify him.”

“The kid?” Allison remarks from behind Klaus. “Jesus, Klaus, do you not even know the name of the guy?”

“Didn’t cross my mind to ask.” Klaus responds, ignoring the sounds of horror from his siblings. “Vanya, where’s Dad?”

Vanya jumped a bit at her name. “Uh, I think he’s in his office. Do you want me to get him, or…”

“Hell no!” Klaus scoffed. He did not want to face his father about this. They had just gotten to a point where Reginald wasn’t constantly murdering Klaus with his stare for the first time since Klaus came out to him. But his Dad was definitely not going to love this latest development, since he had made it very clear that he didn’t want the world to know that Klaus was pan and non-binary.

Klaus turned to leave, avoiding his siblings’ disappointed and judgmental looks. “I’m gonna go smoke.” He muttered.

Klaus tried to pretend he wasn’t bothered by what they were saying about him. And he did a pretty good job of it, at least in front of his family. But that night, alone in his room, he broke down. His father hadn’t come out of his office the rest of the day, and Klaus was terrified. He opened up his old laptop and went to the ‘trending’ section of the news. Among articles about some political debate and what type of lettuce was safe to eat, his face was scattered. He clicked on a handful of the articles.

Klaus Hargreeves rumored to be gay.

The Seance caught kissing a boy!

Sorry girls! Looks like national heartthrob Klaus Hargreeves isn’t one for women.

Number Four, the Seance, seen wearing a skirt.

Klaus rolled his eyes at some of the headlines. He really didn’t want to make any sort of public statement on this whole disaster, but he would very much like to clear things up and make it crystal clear that he is ‘one for women’, thank you very much.

Not all the articles are that bad. They’re all somewhat insensitive, considering they’re all making assumptions about Klaus based off of one blurry photo, but some are decently respectful. Of course, Klaus only focuses on the ones that aren’t.

One of the Umbrella Academy members found to be a queer.

Seems to me that a lot of people are no longer going to have a favorite member of the Umbrella Academy.

The Seance may be able to speak to the dead, but he can not pull off a skirt.

Klaus Hargreeves should stick to talking to ghosts from now on.

Klaus reads them all in his father’s voice.

Abruptly, he jumps of his bed and rips off his skirt, throwing it across the room. He lets out a cry of frustration.

Klaus spends the rest of the night doing dangerous amounts of drugs and drinking every last bit of alcohol he had stored in his room. The last thing he remembers seeing before he passes out is the ghost of the blond soldier watching him with concern from the corner of the room.

It took him 26 years, but Klaus Hargreeves was finally trying to pull his shit together. Well, more accurately- it took Ben Hargreeves 26 years to convince his brother to pull his shit together.

Klaus had woken up in the back room of some bar/drug den, mostly naked with random people laying next to him.

His brother stood above him offering a condescending hand to Klaus, since he knew Klaus couldn’t actually touch him.

“Hey there. Your head hurt?”

Klaus tried very hard not to rub his throbbing head, as to not prove Ben right. “Christ, don’t you ever go away? There’s no way I’m sober right now, so why the fuck are you still bothering me?”

Klaus knew why, and Ben knew he knew why. And somewhere, deep down, Klaus was glad Ben didn’t leave. He was glad there was always someone there when he hit rock bottom over and over again. But Ben was also really bloody annoying, always telling Klaus to ‘eat a vegetable’ or ‘take a shower’. Stupid stuff like that.

“Klaus, why do you do this?” Ben asked suddenly, as Klaus was stumbling up off the floor.

“Do what?”

“You know what. All of this. Drugs, booze, hooking up with random strangers and then never seeing them again, living on the streets, the list goes on and on.”

“Ben, are you really still asking me this? You’d think after twelve years of it, you would stop trying to get me to give up all my lovable quirks.”

“They’re not lovable quirks!” Ben snapped, even though he knew his brother was only joking and embellishing his words like always. “They’re… they’re terrible, awful things you do to yourself and I am the only person who’s stuck with you through it all because you’ve pushed away everyone else, and do you know how hard it is that you don’t listen to me? That I have to watch you live your life- something that I didn’t get to do- so dangerously, so irresponsibly, like you don’t even care whether you live or die!”

“Well, maybe I don’t!”

Ben’s face softened. “Klaus…” He took a deep breath and started again. “Klaus, I know it’s hard. I know our childhood was shit, and our dad was abusive as all hell, and the ghosts are unbearable. I know all that. But it could all be so much better if you tried a little bit. If you sobered up enough to get a job, so you could get money, so you could an apartment. Klaus, I don’t care if you buy the shittiest, most rundown apartment in the whole city- I will cry tears of joy if you have a place to live for once. Or... or you could do what Diego does! You could work for someone in exchange to live with them. Speaking of Diego, what about trying to live with him? You know he loves you like crazy, even though he doesn’t act like it. Talk to him, talk to Allison for god’s sake, she’s filthy rich and I’m sure she’d give you money. You don’t have to isolate yourself from your family! God, I don’t understand why you all pushed each other away! Do you know how much I would give to be alive with all of you right now?! Why don’t any of you appreciate this life that you have! Klaus, you have no fucking idea how terrible it is to be dead and watch the people you love throw away their life!”

Klaus didn’t know ghosts could cry.

He watched in horror as his brother curled up on the floor, wiping away tears. Ben looked so small, like he was as young as he was when he was alive. Klaus blinked and saw their father standing over Ben, yelling at him for not trying hard enough. He blinked again and saw an eight-year-old Ben, sobbing on the floor of a bank after murdering a group of people for the first time. He saw every other time he walked into Ben’s room and saw him doing that after a mission- too many times for Klaus to count.

“Okay.” He found himself saying.

Ben looked up at him, standing hesitantly. “Okay… what?”

“I’ll try to find a job.” Klaus meant it, shockingly. Ben was right, and he knew it. He didn’t like it, but he needed to do something to thank Ben for sticking with him.

The look on Ben’s face made it all worth it.

***

“Bennn why is finding a job so hard?”

“Klaus, we’ve been looking for thirty minutes. That’s nothing. And I still think we should go see Diego or Vanya or someone with a computer so you can research places to work, not just wander around until you find something.”

“No, no, nope. I am being nice and doing something for you, but I promise you that by the time this hangover wears off, I will have lost all motivation to do so. We gotta get me some paperwork or shit so I’ll be legally obligated to not back out of this.”

“When has the law ever stopped you?”

Klaus glared at his brother. “Giving up on this now…”

“You’re right, you’re right. I’m very proud of you. Let’s keep looking.” Ben reached out like he was going to pat Klaus’ shoulder, but stopped. Even after Ben being dead for nearly ten years, both brothers forgot sometimes that they couldn’t touch. Klaus would never admit it, but he would give anything to hug Ben again.

They walked in silence for a few minutes, the mood brought down by the cruel reminder of Ben’s death.

“Oh! Klaus!” Ben said suddenly, pointing at the window they were passing. Klaus followed his brother’s finger and saw the Help Wanted sign.

“Well that looks promising…” Klaus wandered over to see what the store was. “Goodwin Hardware… a hardware store? That’s so boring!”

“Come on, it’s the only place we’ve found. And at least there’s sharp objects you can play with!” Ben pleaded.

“Okay, calm down there Diego, I’m still going to check it out.” Klaus used the window as a mirror, adjusting his hair and overall trying to make himself a little less disheveled. He was wearing a blue button up and a silver skirt- both things he had found on the floor he woke up on, and he was pretty sure neither of them belonged to him the night before.

Klaus walked into the store, the jingle of the bell on the door nearly as loud as Ben’s gasp of excitement.

“Can I help ‘ya?” A gruff voice barked from the front counter. Klaus followed the voice to see an old white guy look up from the fishing magazine he’d been reading. Figures, Klaus thought- it was a hardware store after all, but Klaus had been hoping it was one of those cool, lesbian-owned hardware stores.

Klaus felt himself freeze up, seeing just a little too much of his father in the man’s face, but Ben whispered encouragement from behind him, and together they walked to the counter.

“Hi, yes, I was wondering about your help wanted sign? You see, I’ve recently decided to acquire a job, and this looks like a lovely place-”

“No.” The man said, returning to his magazine like the conversation was over.

“...No?” Klaus repeated.

“I don’t hire queers,” The guy glanced up again and gave Klaus a look like it should have been obvious what he was talking about.

Oh.

Klaus heard Ben mutter his name from behind him, the same disappointed tone in his voice that Klaus was used to hearing.

“Well, sir, I don’t think being gay hinders my ability to shelf tools.” Klaus bit his lip as he spoke, trying his hardest to remain polite. Do it for Ben, do it for Ben, do it for Ben-

“Listen, sissy, I told you the answer’s no. Now get out of my shop.”

Okay that was it. Klaus reached across the counter and tore the magazine from the man’s hands, throwing it behind him.

“You’re going to give me this fucking job!” Klaus hissed. He ignored the fact that Ben was telling him to stop, telling him that they would just find another opportunity.

The man grabbed Klaus by the collar and pulled him close, scraping him across the wood of the counter. Klaus flinched, being reminded once again of his dad.

“No, ‘m not. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll get out of my store before I have to tell you a third time.”

Klaus spit in the man’s eye. A fist met his face.

He woke up in what had lovingly been dubbed “his” prison cell.

“God, my head…” He rubbed at his face, feeling a lump from where the man had hit him.

“Oh. You’re awake.” Ben said from across the room.

Klaus remembered all that had happened. (Although why he went to jail when he was the one who’d gotten hit, he wasn’t sure. Probably had something to do with the fact that his cop-in-training brother used arresting Klaus as an excuse to check up on him.)

“Ben, I’m sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to make this into a whole thing-”

“But you did! You egged that guy on when we could have just left and kept looking! Jesus, Klaus do you ever know when to stop?!” Ben rubbed his eyes and turned away from Klaus, making it clear the conversation was over and Klaus was left with a bitch of a hypothetical question.

He picked at the fraying silver of his (not his) skirt. He closed his eyes and saw a tv headline, saw his father’s hand hitting him, saw the floor fall out beneath him, saw his brother and sister’s judgmental faces.

Maybe he should stop wearing skirts.

+1.

Klaus had made a promise to himself that he would stop wearing skirts. Nothing good happened when he did. The only time he’d broken that promise since the hardware store incident was at his father’s funeral- sort of as a final fuck-you to Reginald. And hey, things couldn’t get any worse, right? At least that’s what he thought until his baby brother showed up, rambling about doomsday.

But, Klaus had made that promise in 2016. And this was 1968. So technically, Klaus hadn’t made the promise yet. Besides, this skirt was really cute.

So Klaus bought it, bullshiting some excuse about buying it to send to his little sister back home (as if Vanya would ever wear this), because as nice as the Saigon residents were, he wasn’t about to tell them he was a gay soldier sneaking away from camp with another gay soldier.

He and Dave weren’t fully sneaking around, exactly. Everyone in their unit had a break this weekend, it’s just that most of them weren’t in Saigon. Klaus wasn’t sure where they were exactly, but he knew that he and Dave weren’t in risk of being seen by anyone they knew. So they only had to worry the normal amount about being gay in the 60s! Yay!

Klaus sat waiting outside their motel room, because Dave was a sap and wanted to pretend like he was picking Klaus up for their date, even though they were staying in the same space. Not that Klaus minded- he loved that Dave was such a romantic. It was just one of the many, many things that made him different- and better- than any partners Klaus had before.

It felt wrong, comparing Dave to other partners. They weren’t even on the same plane as him. Klaus had never been with someone because he cared about them before. He’d never really been with someone at all, actually. Three weeks didn’t exactly count as a long-term relationship, especially when he was only doing it for a place to sleep. The point was, Dave was different. Dave was special. Klaus knew it from the moment he saw him. Something about him looked familiar, like Klaus had known him before in a different time.

It wasn’t like Klaus was planning on staying in the middle of a war that happened twenty years before he was even born, but he didn’t exactly have a reason to go back to 2019, either. And he realized about an hour into his time in Vietnam that he did have a reason to stay there- a blond, hot, blue-eyed, Jewish reason, to be exact. And look, it happened to work out well for Klaus (surprisingly, since things so rarely did) when a month later he learned that his reason for staying wanted him too.

Klaus was so lost in thought that he almost forgot how boring it was waiting for Dave. ...Almost.

“Hey!” He stood, rapping on the motel door. “Hurry up!” Klaus didn’t care if Dave wasn’t ready to go out yet- in fact, it was probably more fun that way.

“God, Hargreeves, don’t you have any patience?!” Dave’s voice came all the way from the far side of the room, but Klaus could still hear the affectionate tone it carried. Dave only called Klaus by his last name when he was doing so in a teasing manner. Klaus called Dave by his a lot more, ever since he learned that David Katz was allergic to cats, and he never let him live it down.

“Nope! None at all. Now c’mon, or I’m just gonna leave without you.” He wouldn’t, obviously, and Dave knew it too.

Klaus heard footsteps on the other side of the door and he had a brief moment of panic about what he was wearing. Shit, why did he break his promise? Dave had seemed fine up until now about Klaus’ gender expression and the way he dressed or wore makeup or acted feminine, but what if he really wasn’t? Klaus knew it was already hard for Dave to be comfortable in his sexuality, and he didn’t want to be the reason Dave retreated back into the closet. The last thing this tentative gay soldier needed was a reminder of just how queer the man he was dating is. Klaus very nearly tore the skirt off, even though he wasn’t wearing anything underneath it, but the door opened before he could make that very stupid decision.

He froze as Dave, wearing the same button-up he’d worn the first time they’d kissed and a new pair of pants he must have bought that afternoon, quickly gave Klaus a once-over. They made eye contact and Klaus instantly relaxed upon seeing the fondness in Dave’s eyes.

“You look beautiful.” Dave smiled.

Klaus entered the room, shutting the door behind him with one hand as he held Dave’s face in the other. He kissed him, smiling wide against Dave’s lips.

“What was that?” Dave asked when Klaus pulled away.

“A kiss, you idiot.”

“No shit, Klaus, I just didn’t know why you did it.”

“I did it because you complimented me and I am desperate for validation. Don’t flatter yourself or anything, I kiss everyone who says I look nice.”

Dave laughed, “you better not.” He was the one to kiss Klaus this time, pushing him against the door.

“Hey.” Klaus held onto Dave’s shoulders and moved him far enough away that he could lock eyes with him. “I love you.”

Dave didn’t hesitate, didn’t flinch away or act disgusted, even though it was the first time Klaus had said it and he had been sure the response would be negative.

“I love you too, Klaus.”

#ahhHHHHHH I FINALLY FINISHED THIS #i hope y'all like it i got very carried away with it #also if you notice the tense inconsistencies #... no you don't #klaus x dave #klaus hargreeves x dave katz #klaus hargreeves #the umbrella academy #tua #tua fic #the umbrella academy fanfiction #klaus x dave fic #eli.writes

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Text

Episode 16 : Santa Claus Ain’t Comin’ To Town

(King Falls AM theme plays)

Ben: You are off the charts excited, Sammy. Are you sure this isn’t about Christmas vacation?

Sammy: Not at all. I’ve just finally got something big to bring to the table, spooky stuff wise, and I cannot wait.

Ben: *laughs* You are glowing, man. I can’t wait to hear this.

Sammy: Good evening ladies and gents, and Welcome to King Falls AM - that’s 660 on the AM dial, and this is our last show of the year. The last show before our big Christmas break, as Ben mentioned.

Ben: Let’s not say big, it’s just a break. We’ll be right back here literally on New Years Day. Thanks, Merv. But we’ve got a hell of a show for you.

Sammy: Okay, can I just get a few minutes off the top to talk about today’s discovery?

Ben: I was literally just saying, the floor is yours, Sammy.

Sammy: Okay, alright. So, you know sometimes I’m a little bit, uh, skeptical when it comes to -

Ben: Literally everything. You are skeptical of every phenomenon that has crossed our paths.

Sammy: I wouldn’t say every.

Ben: Oh, I would. Do you want a recap? There was the alien abduction, the -

Sammy: *laughs* No - no, no, no. I think you know your stuff. So, you should know that I’m very excited to bring my own bit of King Falls lore to the table tonight.

Ben: Before you press on, are you sure this is a good idea?

Sammy: What do you mean?

Ben: I’m not trying to be argumentative here, but the last time that you brought in a find of our own last time like this, you brought Howard Ford Beauregard III into our lives.

Sammy: *sharply* Okay, that was a mistake and we have talked about that.

Ben: I know! I’m just saying...be super sure about this one, huh.

Sammy: This is nothing like HFB 3.

Ben: Then please continue my friend.

Sammy: So, I was out doing a little bit of shopping earlier today at The King Falls Mall and -

Ben: Was it crazy crowded? I still have to pick up something special for...my mom.

Sammy: It was crowded. Not Black Friday crowded, but nicely darkly opaque Tuesday, if you will.

Ben: Okay, cool.

Sammy: We all know that gift is not for your mom, by the way.

Ben: Whatever.

Sammy: So, I’m at the mall, I make my purchases, but I’m all worked up and got an appetite and I’m not gonna wait in line at a mall eatery with Christmas people, ya know? So, I’m thinking, why not just go the 3 minutes away to Frickards?

Ben: ... Traitor. But I get it.

Sammy: So, I make the drive over to my favorite Frogery. A #5 Frick-a-Seed with extra frog puppies...

Ben: You actually eat the frogs there, man? I heard they poach them there directly from Lake Hatchineha.

Sammy: Don’t say that! They are a fine sponsor of the show.

Ben: Facts are facts.

Sammy: Okay, so I get there and pulling up right beside me is this beautiful candy apple red Corvette. It was a beauty, let me tell ya. Early 1960′s, but the closer I look, the weirder it gets. It’s got bells, like sleigh bells, all over this thing -

Ben: Let’s, uh, move on Sammy.

Sammy: So I look over at the driver, this bigger older gent steps out of the car...red suit, red tie, massive white beard -

Ben: Sammy, I think we should, uh -

Sammy: Tiny little glasses, rosy red cheeks, and the friendliest damn face I’ve ever seen. He introduced himself as Chris!

Ben: So you run into a mall Santa running late for work?

Sammy: Oh, this was no mall Santa, Ben. This was thee Santa. We made chit-chat and there was only one available table, so with it just being myself and him, we -

Ben: You had lunch with a mall Santa.

Sammy: Bennnnn, he knew my name without me saying it!

Ben: You’re a radio sensation, Sammy. Lots of people know your name.

Sammy: Do they know my childhood address? What I got for Christmas when i was 6? I don’t think so!

Ben: *laughs* Oh jeez, you got a Santa stalker, buddy. Either that or Creepy Carl got released on bail. Moving forward -

Sammy: He knew all this stuff, Ben! My wants, my likes...good things and bad things. You know, I’m pretty protective of my personal life, Ben.

Ben: Yeah, I do, Shotgun.

Sammy: This was Santa Claus, real as day, right here in King Falls! Not only that, but he told me that he actually vacations here part of the year! Think about that! The big guy hanging out here! *scoffs* Dude, why are you looking at me like this?

Ben: Do you know how many older gentleman in the world dress up as Santa Claus, Sammy? A lot. It’s a job for some folks. Some of them go to hospitals. It’s a big deal for some folks. This was one of those guys. Just pulling your chain, Sammy. Santa living here part time is *sputters* I doubt very, very seriously that this guy you met -

-Sammy: It was him. I don’t understand why you’re so hell bent on dismissing this! If a caller called in with this story, you’d be on a mission!

Ben: I’m not hell bent on dismissing you. I’m just...looking at this from all angles. How bout that?

Sammy: Are you saying King Falls isn’t good enough for a Santa vacation home? A second house?

Ben: I’m not saying that at all! That’s ludicrous...d-did he tell you I said that?!

Sammy: A-ha! So you know I’m right.

Ben: No! Santa- I mean, mall dude Santas are tricky. I - I don’t trust them! Look at this wedge he’s driving, man!

Sammy: You know something about this...

Ben: *sputters* You want me to tell you what I know?

Sammy: I do!

Ben: Here’s the scoop: I know you meant some...guy. I know he’s not Santa because Santa would not go to Greg Frickard’s place to eat. I know -

Sammy: You’re full of it.

Ben: You wanna put this to the callers? We can poll this thing out.

Sammy: I think I do, Ben! This guy knew what I go for Christmas years ago. HE knew about Wolfington the terrier, which I got for Christmas as a kid. He knew it all!

Ben: Ha, okay, King Falls: Do you think Sammy meant the real Santa Claus earlier today? Think about this and give us a call: 424-279-3858

Sammy: Heh-heh, you are on, buddy. I’m not gonna be the only person here -

Ben: *quickly* OPERATION KING FALLS KRINGLE

(Cuts to commercial: Banjo Music Playing)

“Howdy y’all! It’s Randy McMullet from McMulletson’s National Palace of Snake Skin Boots, and I’m here to let ya know we got some rattlin’ new for ya. After the sensational success of Black Mamba Friday, it’s time to roll out our next deal of the year. This weekend it’s our annual Secret Santa Albino Snakeskin Special. We’ll have all our white snake choices at our unbeatable dark snake prices. So slither on down just outside of town at the corner of Route 72 and Ol Bauman Range Road. McMullet’s International House of Snake Skin Boots! Where we fill yourboots, with savin’s!"

(Welcome to 660 plays)

Sammy: What the hell was that about?

Ben: It was about saving money on boots, man.

Sammy: No, whatever you yelled right before the commercial.

Ben: *laughs* I don’t know what you’re talking about. I sneezed.

Sammy: ... I’m watching you.

Ben: Watch away, Sammy. Pick a line, they’re all lit up. Like Christmas.

Sammy: You’re way too smug, I don’t like this. Lucky Line 1...

Ben: An excellent choice.

Sammy: Good evening, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia: First off, Sammy, obviously you’re off your rocker. Santa lives in the North Pole!

Sammy: *sighs* Hi, Cynthia.

Cynthia: Secondly, are you for real shopping at the King Falls Mall? Do you have a death wish?!

Ben: What are you on about, Mrs. Higenbaum?

Sammy: It honestly wasn’t that busy...

Cynthia: I’m not talking about crowds! I’m talking about the gang of vampires that live in the mall... just waiting for the perfect time to strike!

Ben: What?!

Cynthia: Of course you wouldn’t know, Ben.

Ben: I’m pretty up to date on my -

Cynthia: Obviously you are not...or you’d know about the gang of vampires that live in the mall!

Sammy: Cynthia, thanks for calling tonight. Even if you are dead wrong about Santa. Now, would you like to expand about this, uh, vam-

Cynthia. Gang of vampires.

Sammy: Right...

Ben: How do you know that they’re vampires, Cynthia?

Cynthia: Pale much? Check. Dark clothes? Check. Never ever out in the light of day? CHECK!

Ben & Sammy: She’s talking about Hot Topic...

Sammy: Aren’t you?

Cynthia: They just glare at you soullessly when you walk in. Eyeing you up and down, probably looking for a good vein.

Sammy: Or a neck tattoo.

Cynthia: This is not to be made light of, Sammy! You’ll see!

Ben: They’re just goth kids, Mrs. Higenbaum.

Cynthia: Oh, please. Like you know! Let the record state that when King Falls is overrun in a Lost Boys type fashion with these emo vampires that I tried to warn you! And you just laughed!

Sammy: What do you recommend, Cynthia? Should we stock up on garlic and stakes?

Ben: I think just knowing our parents loved us enough should do the trick.

Cynthia: Laugh it up, you dumbs. You know I hate telling people “I told you so” but I will tell your ass “I told you so” SO FAST! *politely* Merry Christmas! *hangs up*

Ben: So... we’ll count that as a no. 0 and 1, Sammy.

Sammy: Line 5, welcome to King Falls AM.

Finn: *faint sounds of the highway* Hey, Sammy! Hey, Ben!

Sammy: Hey, Finn! Long time no talk, buddy! You doin’ alright?

Finn: Oh yeah! Never better! Just had to get a couple shots, ya know?

Ben: That’s good to hear, Finn. Uh, what’s your take on this?

Finn: Oh, I was actually just phonin’ cause I wanted to tell you fellas Merry Christmas before it was too late.

Ben: Merry Christmas to you too, Finn! Stay safe out there on the roads.

Finn: You know it!

Sammy: Well, thanks for calling in, Finn. We’re glad that you’re feeling better. We were pretty worried about you.

Finn: Ohhhh, you fellas. Howl at the moon one little time and you get alllll worried.

Sammy: It was more than once, Finn.

Finn: You know what I’m sayin’! It’s not like I’m going to sleep and wakin’ up naked in a field somewhere covered in chicken feathers and god knows what all over me... on the regular. *sounds of scratching *

Sammy: That... is, um, good to hear, Finn.

Finn: Just once every now and then, ya know?

Ben: *laughs nervously* Okay, y-you take care of yourself. Happy Holidays.

Finn: You know it! *hangs up*

Ben: That was another-

Sammy: Don’t count that! Finn didn’t comment on it either way!

Ben: I’ll mark it as Switzerland. Another call?

Sammy: You bet your ass another call. Y-you pick a line!

Ben: Uh, line 3! Good evening and Wel-

Herschel: *low sounds of a boat motor and crickets* You two goofy sons of (censored) hung up on me last time I called! When I get my dick-beaters on ya, it’ll be hell to pay!

Ben: Uh, we...must’ve been having...phone difficulties, Herschel. We would never. Did you call during the Electrolocaust?

Herschel: I called two damn week ago, Ben Arnold! Don’t you “Electrolocaust” me. Gotta wake up pretty damn early in the morning to scoot one past Herschel F. Baumgartner.

Sammy: Herschel, we are so sorry the phones were malfunctioning last time you called. Are you on tonight to talk about Santa’s appearance and possible living in King Falls?

Herschel: Santa who? Santa Livingston? Haven’t heard from that son of a (censored) since the Beaches of Normandy...

Sammy: Santa Claus, Herschel...

Herschel: No, I ain’t here to talk about no Sante Claus. You two need to grow the (censored) up.

Ben: What’s on your mind, Herschel?

Herschel: Don’t rush me! You two-toned pecker sniff! I’ll get to it when I get to it.

Sammy: Herschel, do you think -

Herschel: Mother (censored)! I had it before you opened your damn trap! I’ll ring you later when I can think of it, and you better not hang up on me again!

Sammy: You do that, Herschel... if we don’t hear back from you before then, have a Merry Christmas.

Herschel: You two goin’ somewhere?

Ben: It’s our Christmas Break! But we’ll be back live on New Years Day.

Herschel: You know what my generation called “breaks”?

Sammy: *under his breath* They weren’t just breaks?

Herschel: They called it being (censored) dead because that’s the only break you get in life. You freeloading radio commies! Enjoy your break or vaycay or whatever you pansy bastards call it.

Ben: Happy Holidays to you too, Herschel!

Herschel: I didn’t kill Hitler to say Happy (censored) Holidays... :*mutters under breath* *hangs up*

Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, Ben and I are talking about the appearance of Santa here in King Falls earlier today. I was told from the jolly one himself that he enjoys staying in The Falls when he isn’t in the busy season. Ben says otherwise...

Ben: Have you or anyone you know ran into this phony Santa saying he’s squatting here? If you have, give us a call *coughing* Operation King Falls Kringle.

Sammy: I knew you were up to something!

Ben: Please. You’re paranoid because you’re losing. Line 2, this is King Falls AM.

Troy: Hey, fellas, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Hanukkah if that’s the way your dreidel spins. Or h-have a good Kwanzaa, etc and so on.

Sammy: Merry Christmas, Troy.

Ben: Are you not supposed to be calling us on duty?

Troy: I’m on break, Ben! Damn it all! Don’t start! I’m calling to tell you something important.

Ben: This again? You’re a broken record. BYE, TROY.

Sammy: Don’t... let him speak.

Ben: Tsk. Whatever.

Troy: Thanks, Sammy...and right off the bat I wanna tell you I believe you saw what you say you saw.

Ben: Troy! Come on! You know the drill!

Troy: I’m not saying he was or he wasn’t. I’m just saying, if you saw him... I believe ya. Maybe a man just wants to lay low, far away from the spotlight. I mean, King Falls is a heck of a town to retire to.

Sammy: Mark that down, Ben.

Ben: He’s only saying it just to spite me.

Troy: That ain’t close to true and you know it, Ben Arnold. w, if you’ll permit me... I’ve got a gift for ya.

Ben: If this is your friendship, I hope you kept the receipt.

Troy: It’s actually not that. Though, it’s ripe for the picking whenever you want it, Ben.

Ben: Ha, don’t hold your breath...

Sammy: *sighs* Come on. Do you wanna bring it by the station, Troy?

Ben: DON’T!

Troy: Well the problem is I bought it online and I’m having it shipped here and well...seems it’s gonna be a little late.

Ben: *laughs condescendingly* Of course it is. Can’t even get a Christmas present right, Troy. Just give it up!

Troy: We were best buds growing up and... I ain’t givin up on that. Or you. I mean, you’ll see. You and me, we’ll be back where we started just as sure as you can say “pickled pie piper”

Ben: NEXT CALLER.

Troy: That’ll work, too! Well, I’ll quit yackin and make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.

Sammy: Take care, Troy. Merry Christmas to you and yours, buddy.

Ben: Bye, already!

Troy: Catch ya later, future buddy.

Ben: We have time for one or two more before break. Ya wanna keep going or give it up?

Sammy: By my count, we are tied.

Ben: Glutton for punishment...you call it.

Sammy: I’m gonna go back to Lucky Line 1. Happy Holidays! You’re on King Falls AM.

Caller: *Heavily Elvis Presley sounding* Hey, man, uh - I wanna talk about this Chris Kringle business.

Sammy: We’re all ears, sir. Have you seen him around town or am I just being fooled by a factitious St.Nick?

Caller/Probably Elvis: The way I see it, uh -

Ben: Uh, who are we speaking with?

Caller/Elvis: That don’t matter none.

Ben: Right. Uh, w-what were you saying, sir?

Caller/Elvis: I just think that a man wants to lie low in a place where he’s not gonna get bothered or pestered or recognized than good for him. Maybe life got too stressful or he didn’t wanna buy a Cadi for everyone that he met.... Hell, maybe he followed the love of his life to a small Podunk crazy haunted town. Maybe it’s cause he found out Rose makes the greatest peanut butter banana sammich you ever laid eyes on.

Sammy: Are... we still talking about Santa Claus, sir?

Caller/Elvis: Of course!

Sammy: Okay, it just seemed like maybe we were talking about someone else for a second. Like yourself...

Caller/Elvis: ♪Don’t be cruel♪ Sammy. I’m just a teddy bear. A teddy bear with nothin to hide. I say if Ol’ St. Nick wants to hang out in this spooky place then so be it. We can’t have ♪suspicious minds!♪ about it. Just let it be.

Ben: Sir, I-I don’t wanna make this about you, but you sound a lot like the King of Rock and I -

Caller/Elvis: Yeah! ♪Little less conversation♪ Ben! *hangs up*

Sammy: I’m just gonna say... I think that guy knows that he’s talking about, Ben.

Ben: Still doesn’t mean anything!

Sammy: Why are you fighting me so hard one this, Ben?!

Ben: Okay... I’m not saying you’re right...

Sammy: But I’m right...

Ben: But! But! If somebody as important as Santa Claus was to have a vacation home or hide away spot in King Falls - and he doesn’t!

Sammy: And he does...

Ben: But...maybe it’s for a reason. Like a specific reason. Like maybe he doesn’t wanna be bothered with a bag of mail everyday. An email address overflowing with wants and needs. Non-union worker issues. Maybe the wife wants a place to escape the hustle and bustle of the great white north a few times a year without TMZ knocking on the door. If that were the case, and I-I don’t think it would be fair to call attention to that.

Sammy: If that were the case...

Ben: Right! If that were the case. Now, I do not think that’s the case at all. I think this is the case of... mistaken identity. Or maybe you were tricked by a chubby merrier than thou prankster who was too friendly to not keep up appearances. But I don’t think you really saw the real deal here...and he certainly wouldn’t live in King Falls for a few weeks every year if you did see him.

Sammy: Huh. Maybe...Maybe I was mistaken...

Ben: It...it could’ve been anybody.

Sammy: I think you’re on to somethin, Ben. I think I was, uh... huh. I think I was mislead.

(Holiday music starts playing)

Ben: *laughs* Maybe so!

Sammy: Hmm, well... Okay, then.

Ben: We good?

Sammy: Yeah, I think we’re good! So I hear we got a hell of a show lined up for tonight, is that right?

Ben: Oh! You better believe it, buddy! Right after the break!

(Sleigh-bells and Santa in background) Ho-ho-ho!

Sammy: Sorry about that, folks! Somebody must owe Chet some money. Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for hanging out with us this chilly winter’s night. We’re just getting started here, but we’re gonna take a quick break to pay some bills. If we don’t hear from you before then, Merry Christmas to you and yours from King Falls AM.

(Sleigh-bells and Santa in background) Merry Christmas!

#king falls #king falls am #kfam #podcast transcript #transcript #16 #Santa Claus Ain't Comin To Town #podcast

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