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brokenboysfrombrokenhomes · 2 years

Text

Everyone is asleep in the house

Wrote this on Tuesday, 24.05.22, as a comfort fic. This is canon compliant if you will (so far, nothing has contradicted it). Thank you to @rycbarmerlin for beta-reading this fic! Hope you all enjoy some of the comfort while we're still early in this SL. (it is in some ways a response to a prompt sent by @no-i-cant-decide last march: "kisses as a promise". I set out to write a short fic. Ended up with these 3k words.)

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This is night time, everyone is asleep in the house. The lights are off, only a few strays of light from the street give shadows to the furniture in the bedroom. The shadows aren't scary. He knows it's his clothes in a pile on that chair, and frames on the dresser, and a jacket hanging off the handle of that closet.

This is night time, he is not asleep but everyone is. Lexi is in her sparkly bedroom, sound asleep after the story he told her. Callum is asleep on the couch, he saw him just minutes ago after getting a glass of water from the kitchen. All is well, all is calm and quiet.

This is night time and it's the worst time. Everyone is asleep but him. It's been going on for weeks, if not months. He's managed to catch some sleep here and there. Booze helped for a while.

But having Callum on the couch means no booze. He's willing to go nights without sleep as long as Callum is on the couch. Because if he is on the couch, he is in his life. And that's all that matters.

The divorce is through. Having no shared belongings and being married barely more than a year makes it easy and fast. Not painless but what is a bit more pain? So the divorce is through - has been for a few weeks. They signed the papers, on speaking terms.

It wasn't the case at first. When it all exploded and everyone was talking about how he cheated. Callum just left. He didn't skip town like that one time. Being a police officer makes that hard, but he made a request for housing at the police station and was given a place quickly. Divorcing puts your file on top of the list apparently.

He cut Ben out of his life, avoided him on the street, not answering his calls, nor his texts. Only allowed Lexi and Lola in his life some mornings for breakfast or an icecream on some weekends. He had the divorce papers delivered to their- Ben's place.

Then one morning, Lexi found him at the police station. She'd run away from the school in tears. She hadn't seen Ben in weeks and she was worried. Callum had called Lola then. It had been their agreement not to mention Ben. For the first time, he asked her how he's been.

"Drinking." was her answer.

He'd been downing bottles days and nights and until he sobered up and took care of himself, he wasn't to see Lexi. Lola admitted cutting him off from his daughter wasn't the thing to do but he'd yelled at her one too many times. Callum reassured her that an absent parent was better than a drinking and yelling one. He talked from experience.

From then on, he checked on Ben. From afar at first, and then in person, knocking on his door that Ben never answered. Callum knew he would eventually open the door because the takeaway he was leaving him was gone.

One day, he knocked. Left the takeaway on the ground. Knocked again. As per usual. But this time, he didn't leave. He sat down. He waited a long hour. The takeaway was cold but it'd still be food Ben could eat. Another half hour ticked by. He didn't get up. He'd stay there until Ben opened the door and he could see at least a glimpse of him. Knowing he was alive was one thing, seeing it with his own eyes was another.

Callum wasn't sure it really was Ben who opened the door. Maybe the shadow of Ben, but not the Ben he knew nor the one he fell in love with. Maybe a part of the Ben that he divorced. Definitely not a whole human person, living and breathing.

Ben was surprised to see him. To the point he stopped in his tracks, half away bent to retrieve the takeaway.

"Hello." was all Callum could say with a weak wave of his hand. He couldn't know for sure Ben had his hearing aid on from his sitting on the floor.

Ben took the takeaway and moved to close the door. "Wait!"

Ben stopped in his tracks, looking at Callum expectantly. Maybe waiting for his lecture.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing." He smiled.

Ben nodded and closed the door.

Callum had expected anger. Had expected Ben to snap back at him with snarky remarks. The silence hurt. He hadn't been ready for that.

He kept on delivering takeaway, and kept on waiting as long as he could. On days he couldn't stay long, he left a note. "Tell me if you want something else." "The lady has been giving free deserts." "It's Italian today, I hope that's okay. The Chinese was closed today." "The Chinese is still closed, so it's Italian again." "I found a new Thai place."

Ben had cheated on him. He still felt resentment over that, and sadness from losing the human being that had helped him be himself. But the anger had left his body the minute he had seen the shadow of Ben.

There was something seriously wrong.

Lexi deserved a dad, Lola had too much on her plate, Jay had given up and stood up for Callum in the break up. So, if no one was going to make that happen, then he would. For Lexi's sake. And for the sake of the person he once knew and loved.

"I haven't had a drink in a week." is what Ben tells him one day as he leaves.

"Okay." is what Callum replies with a smile. "The Thai okay ?"

"Wouldn't mind some basic fish n chips for once."

"Will do."

They go from small talk like this to asking about one another's day. Callum has more to say, having a job. Ben listens. He does tell Callum stuff from his days: cleaning up a room, building up furniture left from the divorce. He doesn't mention the divorce but they both know.

One day Ben finally asks about Lexi. He doesn't need to explain he couldn't bear to have second hand news until he felt okay about seeing her in a near future. So, Callum relays to Lola how Ben has been doing and she sets up an afternoon for Lexi and Ben.

Callum hears from Lexi that Ben smiled and laughed, even. She cries in Callum's arms because it had been so long.

Ben looks slightly tired the next day. Seeing Lexi was a reminder of his fuck ups. Staying in and building up the home he was meant to share with her meant time slowed down and days blurred into one another. But seeing how she had grown, changed, even just in the weeks since Lola had stopped coming around with Lexi, had unsettled him. He needed to be a better dad, like he'd promised himself years ago. Yet, he'd failed. Big time. Once more.

Callum simply puts his hand on his shoulder to offer some comfort. Ben places his hand on top of his. It's the first time they touch in months. They stay like this for a moment. Then Callum leaves. "See you tomorrow." And Ben smiles. Weakly, but it's still a smile.

From that day on, physical touches go from a hand to the shoulder to a hug every once in a while. Just a quick hug when they say goodbye. But a hug nonetheless. Ben will take anything that Callum offers him. Small things like takeaway, bigger things like his time and his smiles. He won't ask for more, he asked for too much before. He won't do it again.

One day, he even offers Callum to come in. He offers, he doesn't ask. But Callum is already late. He just smiles and waves him away. Another day. He'll see him tomorrow.

He spends the day repainting the master bedroom. He's done the kitchen, Lexi's bedroom, the living room and the bathroom. Painting, moving furniture around until he was satisfied. The cabinets aren't all full, the windows still need curtains, and some walls look empty. But he is satisfied with what he has managed to do.

It isn't much, it's still more than he ever had. It's a home. His home. It will be Lexi's soon. It should have been earlier but he is not to dwell on the past. It has happened and he cannot change it. However, he can act differently now and that is what he is doing. Who would have thought he'd apply life advice from a sexual health clinic theparist.

After one last coat of paint, he sets up his bed for the night in Lexi's room. He's surrounded by glitter, sparkles and pink. He chose it all for her at the store. Couldn't bear to go with her. Outings with just her aren't something he can stomach yet. For now, Lola and Lexi. Ice cream, waffles, whatever she wants. And a park. A walk.

He doesn't sleep. His hearing aid is by his phone on the floor. He cannot sleep in Lexi's bed, he's too big, so he got his inflatable mattress out. His heart had stopped for a moment when he'd seen it in the room. But he grounded himself in all the ways the room had changed. Breathed deeply. Reminded himself he was safe, alone, in his home.

He's not exactly completely calm but he is in bed, his heartbeat is within normal range, and he breathes ok. He'll get through this. He'll see Callum in the morning.

He doesn't know how he found places open in the morning to get him takeaways but he hasn't asked and he won't. Not yet. He'll tease him later.

He's woken up by the bell.

Freshly out of bed, he opens the door to the sight of a smiling Callum, takeaway in hand.

He invites him in.

They talk, laugh, smile. Like old times.

And not.

Ben's skin is ashy from not going out much. He has lost weight, although he has gained some since Callum has been bringing him food. But one meal a day isn't enough to keep a lot of meat on his bones.

He doesn't mention not sleeping at nights and Callum doesn't ask if he's seeing any medical professional. They stay away from those topics, as they stay away from anything regarding their romantic lives.

"I'm going back to work in the garage."

Callum congratulates him, again with such a soft smile.

Ben's never stopped loving him. But this softness in Callum even thought he's been through so much because of him makes Ben fall in love again, and again, and again.

"It's time I put those muscles to work!"

The laughs he gets out of Callum are what keeps him going.

So he goes to the garage. He hasn't forgotten anything but his body isn't used to it anymore. He is so tired at the end of the day that he sleeps. He sleeps as soon as his head hits the pillow.

It's not a good sleep.

He wakes up several times from nightmares. He's covered in sweat when the bell lights up and he doesn't have time to do anything about it.

He opens the door and Callum is greeted with the sight of a sweaty, sleepy Ben.

"Are you okay?" Of course he worries right away.

Ben tries to smile and hide it but he can't. He sighs, opens the door and lets Callum in.

And Callum doesn't need to be told twice. He comes in and walks up to the kitchen to get some breakfast ready. Until he remembers it's not his home anymore. Ben just shakes his head before sitting in an armchair. "Go ahead." He says, his voice barely audible to Callum and definitely not to him. He gets up again to get his hearing aid but Callum signs him to stay put, he'll get it.

And he does. He gets the bed sheets as well and starts a load with them.

As sound comes back in, Ben hears the washing machine. He turns abruptly to Callum "What have you done?"

"Just a load."

"I would have done that."

"I know. Just wanted to help. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm an ass."

"You are." He could flirt but he doesn't. Ben's not in any state to be flirted with.

Callum sets up the coffee filled mugs on the table along with some toasts. Ben gets up and joins him.

They talk. About sleepless nights and therapy, that's all Ben can bear to talk about. But it's a whole lot more than he could just weeks ago.

They go on like this for a few more weeks, Callum having breakfast before getting to work. Seeing Lexi after school and then having her over for a night.

It turns into a routine.

Breakfast with Callum, working in the garage, taking care of Lexi on weekdays, and then sleepless nights.

One evening, Lexi asks if Callum can come over for dinner. So Ben invites him. Callum agrees.

He shouldn't, really. Ben is clearly doing better, Lexi is happy. He can go back to his life and let Ben build his own.

But what life does he have to go back to. Evenings are spent watching his TV, mindlessly, when he's not working late on cases. His friends are coworkers, so not really his friends.

He accepts Ben's offer with a smile. It's going to be one evening. Everything will be fine. Afterall, Ben can do with company. He could do with it as well. It makes sense.

That one evening turns into a weekly habit. Turn into sleeping on the couch when it's too late to go home. It's never really too late to go home but after that one night when it truly was, the morning after with Lexi was what he'd always wanted. So he takes advantage of Lexi asking if he's staying and Ben offering the couch.

And that's where he is as Ben walks past and back to his bedroom.

He'd heard him move around in bed before getting up and getting a glass of water. He has never seen the face of one alcoholic beverage in this house. He never checked but he trusted Ben on that. His behaviour showed it in any case.

He hears him move around in bed some more. He can't sleep. They'd talked about that. Sleeping pills are on the nightstand, he knows because he's seen them. But Ben rarely ever takes them. He doesn't want one more addiction.

For all the nights he's stayed on this couch, he's never once gotten up to talk to Ben. He's wanted to. But he's always stayed away: better for the both of them.

But Ben had been tense that evening. Leg shaking more than usual. Fingers fidgeting with everything and anything.

So Callum gets up and walks up to the bedroom door. He can hear quick, shaky breaths. He knocks softly.

Ben doesn't reply right away but when he does finally, it's with a weak grunt.

Callum takes it as an agreement for him to come in.

Ben is shaking on the bed.

Callum takes the few steps that separate them. He stands idle by the bed, wondering if he should get closer to him or not.

Ben extends a hand, so he takes it and sits down beside him.

They stay like that for a moment but the shaking doesn't stop. So Callum gently rolls Ben over on his other side.

"Is it okay to hug you?"

Ben can only nod.

He settles behind Ben and brings him close to his chest. He nestles his face in the crook of Ben's neck, breathing his smell for the first time in a long while. It's not the right moment to be thinking about that but he can't help himself.

Ben's sudden sobs shakes him out of his thoughts. He holds him closer, as close as humanly possible and lets him cry.

When the sobs start to subside, he turns around and spots some tissues. He reaches for them and gives them to Ben. He accepts them silently and blows his nose. He's still shaking and still heaving, but at least, he's no longer full on sobbing.

One hand splayed over Ben's heart, Callum presses his chest against Ben's back, and he slows down his own breathing to try and get Ben's to slow down as well.

In and out. In and out. In and out.

It takes a little while, but Ben finally calms down. Callum would stay there the entire night if it was needed.

Their breathing is slow and measured. Callum feels heavy with sleep, having been focused intensely on Ben for the past couple of hours. And he can feel Ben's close to falling asleep as well.

Neither of them talk and both of them fall asleep in that position.

They wake up as the sun rises.

Foggy with sleep, they still manage to talk.

Softly, slowly, Ben's voice tells the story of that night.

Callum lets him talk. He listens intently. His only reaction is to tighten his hold on Ben when he can feel him starting to cry again.

He touches his forehead to Ben's shoulder. "I'm sorry." is all he says. There are many more words swimming around in his head. He can imagine a handful of scenarios of what he wants to do to Lewis who's still working at the Albert. But he keeps them to himself.

He leaves one kiss on Ben's shoulder. And Ben shudders.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-."

"No, it's okay." Ben cuts him off. "More than okay... It's just been so long."

Callum leaves another kiss. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

Ben chuckles, slightly moving away, feeling the shame creeping back. "You've been there plenty."

Callum's hold loosens, leaving Ben the possibility of leaving but he doesn't. He just stays further away than he's been.

Callum turns Ben's head to face him. "I promise to be there as much as you need me."

#ballum #eastenders #ben mitchell #callum highway #benway #ben x callum #fic #ficlet #rape sl #no actual rape mention

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