#berit's characters

[ssss-character-smackdown]

SSSS Character Smackdown - Melee Round

So confident in her diligence, is the Swan of Tuonela, looking after the souls of the dead.

And then there's Berit. You tell 'em! Do not go gentle into that good night and all that.

#ssss character smackdown #sssscomic #stand still stay silent #berit eide #swan of tuonela #tumblr polls #who's a silly birdie

[docholligay]

Wintering by Peter Geye

The absolute best moment of this book:

“History and memory aren’t the same thing.” “How are they different? “History doesn’t abide acts of the imagination but memories depend on it. And memories are as much what we’ve forgotten as what we recall. History cannot be forgotten” (as a history girlie, I don't even AGREE, but I love love the ideas in that and definitely find them worth engaging with)

Trying to think of what I would say about this book that's not spoilery, and isn't quite as dismissive as I think I could sound about it. Because there are a lot of redeeming qualities in this book. But, at core, it's what I'm going to very reductively call, "A book for your 60 year old dad" It's a bildungsroman about mustache twirling evil in a small town, the seduction and purity of nature but especially survivalism against the elements, and realizing your parents don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Doc, uh, don't you love the purity of survival against the elements? Well, yes, I am your 60 year old dad also, and I can have a LOT of fun with a fuckin...Call of the Wild moment. Join me in spoiler town for the rest

I think the issue is not, "Learning what sort of man you are up against the freezing winter on the border between Minnesota and Canada." I think those things are in fact very clarifying. But. There has to be more to carry the book, and a lot of what resonates with the author doesn't resonate with me.

Geye makes a big deal out of Harry, Gus' father. I called it a bildungsroman and I guess it is but as I'm sitting here, I think it's actually more about Harry and Gus' reactions to Harry, even after he's fucking dead, then it is about Gus himself. I could tell you everything about Harry only a handful of things about Gus. It's about Harry and how Harry is a great guy and comes from a long line of good men who were involved with shitty women, but don't worry Berit waited for him until his wife left because he was so great and she knew from the outset it was only him for her. Which is actually a larger problem with this novel: Women are bitches or dogs. But I am not going to be harsh enough to call it misogynist because the flat characters are nearly everyone who isn't Harry, so at that point its just a blind spot.

Speaking of, my GOD, what a mustache twirling villain. To the point of, I shit you not, pushing his disabled war hero brother into the open hole of a cliff fall. That is not a joke I made, that is me recounting the tale to you.

So, why don't you say the story is awful, full stop? Because when its focused on the nature, and the winter, and the fact that Harry has clearly imagined this wintering as a vehicle for revenge more than anything, and that he has endangered his son in order to try and get his moment with Charlie, that nothing else about this fucking mattered, it has moments of brilliance. The lack of planning and an end, the map made up of imagined lakes and rivers out of a romantic sense of exploration, the mercy of nature and the borderlands against its harshness, the moose eaten by wolves because they were tangled into each others' horns from a fight. (But of course despite what would have been brilliant foreshadowing, Harry can't die here)

Harry is so great that he doesn't even die when he dies, he wanders off into the winter woods and they do not find his body I am not making a joke I am not joking.

#Doc reads

[magic-the-girlbossing]

Magic the Girlbossing: Round One

It's finally time! The first Magic: The Gathering Girlboss battle will commence shortly! Bracket below:

Starting tomorrow at 12:00 PM EST, I'll begin posting one matchup every hour. Each matchup will last 24 hours in total, which means round one will be finished just under a week after it starts! So fun!

Links to matchups once they're up and methodology below the break.

Round 1 matchups:

Alesha vs. Palladia Mors - Alesha Wins!

Tamiyo vs. Exava - Tamiyo wins!

Greasefang vs. Dina - Greasefang wins!

Magda vs. Thantis - Magda wins!

Huatli vs. Elas il-Kor - Huatli wins!

Marit Lage vs. Grandmother Sengir - Marit Lage wins!

Karona vs. Titania - Titania wins!

Radha vs. Atraxa - Atraxa wins!

Elesh Norn vs. Dromoka - Elesh Norn wins!

Reaper King vs. Garna - Garna wins!

Marchesa d'Amati vs. Autumn Willow - Marchesa wins!

Isona Maive vs. Narset - Narset wins!

Gisa Cecani vs. Ria Ivor - Gisa wins!

Thassa vs. Jinnie Fay - Thassa wins!

Nissa Revane vs. Serra - Nissa wins!

Niv Mizzet vs. Jace Beleren - Niv Mizzet wins!

Liliana Vess vs. Lathril - Liliana wins!

Rootha Squallheart vs. Grist - Grist wins!

Savra vod Sado vs. Ashiok - Ashiok wins!

Kari Zev vs. Monoxa - Kari Zev wins!

Thalia vs. Rowan Kenrith - Thalia wins!

Atarka vs. Llawan - Atarka wins!

Olivia Voldaren vs. Zacama - Zacama wins!

Syr Gwyn vs. General Tazri - Tazri wins!

Nahiri vs. Aurelia - Nahiri wins!

The Wanderer vs. Goreclaw - The Wanderer wins!

Kolaghan vs. Liesa - Liesa wins!

Sidisi vs. Jaya Ballard - Jaya Ballard wins!

Kiora vs. Elenda - Kiora wins!

Obeka vs. Rashmi - Obeka wins!

Xantcha vs. Araumi - Xantcha wins!

The Ur-Dragon vs. Samut - The Ur-Dragon wins!

Teysa Karlov vs. Vela - Teysa Karlov wins!

Aminatou vs. Mirri - Aminatou wins!

Fblthp vs. Oona - Oona wins!

Massacre Girl vs. Pharika - massacre girl

Elspeth Tirel vs. Adriana Vallore - Elspeth Tirel wins!

Ziatora vs. Wort - Ziatora wins!

Kaya vs. Iona - Kaya wins!

Dihada vs. Saheeli Rai - Diahada wins!

Braids vs. Lavinia - Braids wins!

Wrenn vs. Jeska / Phage - Wrenn wins!

Linvala vs. Lyzolda - Linvala wins!

Xira Arien vs. Brisela - Xira Arien wins!

Ashnod vs. Anafenza - Ashnod wins!

Klothys vs. Raffine - Raffine wins!

Chandra Nalaar vs. Glissa Sunslayer - Chandra Nalaar wins!

Arlinn Kord vs. Fumiko - Arlinn Kord wins!

Emrakul vs. Atla Palani - Emrakul wins!

Hazoret vs. Saskia - Hazoret wins!

Jhoira vs. Sheoldred - Sheoldred wins!

Zimone Wola vs. Sisay - Sisay wins!

Ayara vs. Akroma - Ayara wins!

Vona vs. Avacyn - Avacyn wins!

Vial-Smasher vs. Yasova Dragonclaw - Vial-Smasher wins!

Linden vs. Sigarda - Sigarda wins!

Vraska vs. Oketra - Vraska wins!

Gallia vs. Masako - Gallia wins!

Beckett Brass vs. Tymna - Beckett Brass wins!

Halana vs. Alena - Halana wins!

Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar vs. Merieke Ri Berit - Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar wins!

Drana vs. Rona - Drana wins!

Ayula vs. Wasitora - Ayula wins!

Sliver Queen vs. Pia Nalaar - Sliver Queen wins!

---

Below is me talking about seeding

Honestly the seeding was pretty simple but I figure I should lay it out. First off, to be clear, this is a normal 128 slot bracket but just split up into 4 sections. The seeding pattern is based on this chart from printyourbrackets.com, its just kinda, folded and torn apart. So for example, on this bracket, Alesha is the 1 seed and Elesh Norn is the 8 seed. That should give you an idea as to how it was put together.

As for the seeding itself - The top 40-ish characters are ranked based on how many submissions they received. All of them received at least 2 submissions and they're ordered as such. Characters with the same number of votes are randomized. The rest of the bracket either got one submission or no submissions (I needed to fill out some space so I am counting MYSELF as the one submitter, thank you) and these were randomized with two exceptions: Halana vs. Alena and Niv Mizzet vs. Jace Beleren. In the case of the former, let's be honest they kinda represent the exact same thing on a bracket like this. And in the case of the latter: funny.

I hope that my intense bracket rigging isn't scandalous to you. Love you <3

Anyway, remember to girlboss on down to the polls when they open tomorrow at 12:00 PM EST

#magic the girlbossing #magic the gathering #liliana vess #emrakul #elesh norn #alesha #teysa karlov #nahiri #nissa revane #poll #poll bracket #girlboss #cw body horror #cw many eyes #cw insects #cw bugs

[geminicollisionworks]

After an offhand line in an old ask of yours, I (with my Althaar-grade understanding of human intimacy) have been trying to work out who in the main cast had the mentioned brief offscreen sexual relationship that will never be acknowledged in-show but regardless affects how these characters are written.

There are easy exclusions, of course, but still many candidates. My current top candidates are Chip and Torianna, because this is something they would, I think, both end up doing, immediately regretting, and mutually swearing never to speak of ever again (though I have to wonder if Fraall, who enjoys flotting with them both, would've mentioned it by now if they had).

Now, I am not asking for an answer (unless my assessment is correct), but how would you feel about humoring me with a clue, namely between which episodes this regrettable encounter has occured?

Hmmmnnn...

Berit & Ian put a few things in Life With Althaar here and there that are... not exactly just to amuse ourselves, but as we've said, as flavor. Though it is also to amuse ourselves. And we've often wondered if any of our listeners will "figure [this background running gag] out."

But we've never actually discussed how to respond if someone does figure out one of our silly things, or comes close enough to want or warrant hints.

Like... the one thing that a certain set of non-recurring characters have in common (which, if you noticed it, would allow you to predict certain things about events involving these characters immediately upon their being introduced).

Or... the [who/what] that is quoted in every episode of Season Three (granted, there are quotes galore in all episodes, we just decided after randomly quoting the same source in 3.01 and 3.02 that we'd keep it up for the season and see if anyone noticed).

But the past "secret" relationship is considerably less random, and while not originally conceived for the show, happened organically in the writing and acting and helped in creating a dynamic between the characters that just felt right.

It is not Chip and Torianna. Though your thoughts on the "why" for them make perfect sense, and it's absolutely in character for them to have had that happen as you laid out (both Chip and Torianna have somewhat long histories and numbers of past brief unsuccessful love affairs). Alt-Universe slash-fic writers, have at it if you like! But in canon Althaariverse, nope, didn't happen. It certainly would fit a number of classic sitcom tropes, but no.

As to Frall's take on it if it had happened, yeah, they might give both parties grief about it, but I like Berit's idea that Frall wouldn't explicitly hassle Chip about the relationship specifically, but if it had happened, that would be the reason behind Frall's constantly flotting with Chip (since Torianna is Frall's closest friend, insofar as an inexplicable, nigh-omnipotent energy being has friends). Frall's actual reasons for needling Chip are, of course, thoroughly Frall-ish and inscrutable.

As to hints to what we have layered in...

It didn't happen between episodes. It happened before the show begins. Years before, in fact.

It was not a one-night-stand, but actual open dating for a short time. It was not "regrettable," but rather nice and sweet, just, in the end, not really right for either in the longer term. It ended very amicably.

Frall, of course, knows, but would never mention it to either, let alone tease. But some others know too, and it has been whispered about, but it never comes up because it would just not be cool.

There are slight verbal felicities between them they don't allow from many others, if any at all, and both have occasionally mentioned personal idiosyncrasies of the other that a friend might know, but an ex would be more likely to.

And that's enough hints. Too many? Is it obvious now?

Personally, as one of us two creators has old flames, preceding our 23 years together, who we remain close to, with no weirdness or tensions, we thought it was a nice, real dynamic that actually happens in our world that isn't so often found in the sitcom form (pace Chloe and James in our beloved Don't Trust the B---- in Apt. 23), and wanted to explore it, quietly.

Thanks for asking!

#life with althaar #gemini collisionworks #audio drama #podcast #science fiction #behind the scenes #questions #answered #we should maybe give out prizes #but what?

[juliahemsleypho101]

Lauren Greenfield is a documentary photographer and filmmaker from Boston, Massachusetts. She has published four books containing her photographic documentaries, “Fast Forward”(1997), “Girl Culture”(2002), “THIN”(2006), and “Generation Wealth”(2017). These projects serve a purpose of giving the viewer a perspective into various lifestyles and societal “cultures”. When it comes to Lauren Greenfield’s impact in the world of photography, she has earned her title as one of the top 25 most influential photographers by American Photo. Lauren Greenfield also is an Emmy winner due to her contributions and efforts as a documentary photographer as well as a film producer. Between Greenfield publishing numerous books of her photographs, filming multiple documentary movies, and even producing an award winning Super Bowl commercial, one could definitely agree that she is a triple threat.

Focusing in on two of Lauren Greenfield’s photographic collections, “Girl Culture”(2002) and “Generation Wealth”(2017), both of these pieces display Greenfield’s ability to truly give the viewer a glimpse into the various realities of her subjects, while still showing a clear picture of what she’s trying to communicate through her images. “Girl Culture” shows us what really is, a culture, among teenage girls and women living in a western society. Through this piece, Greenfield shows us two points of view, the way women see themselves, and the way the world sees women. “Generation Wealth” is Lauren Greenfield’s way of letting us peek in through the window of the homes, the luxuries, and the lifestyles of those who are extremely wealthy. Greenfield neither criticizes or praises these wealthy subjects, she simply lets us see their lives. According to HyperAllergic, “The exhibition came first, then the book came and was developed alongside it. The movie came on at a point when I realized there were certain things in the book that I could develop into a more emotional experience through film — it was a way to bring the characters to life.” In a sense, this statement from Greenfield describes not only her thought process as a photographer and producer for “Generation Wealth” but for “Girl Culture” and even her other films and books. Lauren Greenfield is emotionally connected to all of her work which is what leads her to keep building on these projects.

In “Girl Culture” Greenfield shows us how women of all ages are affected by the presence of beauty standards, the male gaze, and other stereotypes in an American society. In a photograph from this collection “Sara [Ziff], 19, walks down the street, New York, New York” the subject, Sara, is seen like in the title simply walking down the street in New York, as three men who seem to be construction workers all stare at her. This photograph really creates a feeling of disgust with the fact that men are constantly giving women unwanted attention, a woman cannot simply walk down the street without getting harassed or getting uncomfortable stares. This is a sad reality that Lauren Greenfield highlights in this documentary. Another photograph from this collection, “Alli, Annie, Hannah, and Berit, all 13, Before the First Big Party of the Seventh Grade, Edina, Minnesota” depicts 4 subjects wearing slightly formal dresses with their hair and makeup done, for which one could assume the 7th grade party. A previous photo from this collection shows 3 of these 4 subjects in the process of doing their hair and makeup in the bathroom mirror. These two photos seem to highlight the pressure for women to look “presentable” starting at a young age. “Girl Culture” allows the viewer to really feel how body image, materialism, social standards, clothing and fashion trends play a role in the lives of her subjects, and it is highly relatable to many women in America. According to Vice, Lauren Greenfield said, “I was, however, thinking about my chronic teenage dieting, my gravitation toward good-looking and thin friends for as long as I can remember, and the importance of clothes and status symbols in the highly materialistic, image-oriented Los Angeles milieu in which I grew up."

Using a Canon DSLR, Lauren Greenfield perfectly captures the bright colors, the glitz and glamor of the super wealthy, in “Generation Wealth”. In a photo from this collection, “Ilona at home with her daughter, Michelle, 4, Moscow, 2012”, the subject is seen walking through a very spacious and luxurious hallway in her home with her daughter, who is riding around on a toy horse. The subject is wearing a bright blue sweater stating “I’m a luxury”. That statement alone really speaks volume on the lives that some of these people live, it seems so out of reach and so unavailable. It almost feels like they are the luxury, that they are able to live this way out of luck. In another photograph from this collection, Lauren Greenfield uses her camera to photograph herself in the mirror inside of the bathroom in one of her wealthy subject’s home. Greenfield is depicting herself as sort of a fish out of water. The main color that we throughout this whole documentary is gold, it seems casual to the subjects.

Similar to “Girl Culture”, “Generation Wealth” shows the viewer how material items and fashion play such a huge role in the subject’s lives. While “Girl Culture” zooms in on women in the United States. On the contrast, “Generation Wealth” was documented across the world, in China, Russia, but also North America. “Girl Culture” is relatable to the masses, Greenfield shows us a direct look into the minds of so many women in America and what they go through because of society’s standards. “Generation Wealth” may not be as relatable but is so fascinating to observe and feel like you’re there in the homes of the rich. Overall, Lauren Greenfield shows us what’s real in the lives of her subjects, her work is thought provoking and extremely influential when it comes to photography and film.

Sources:

GENERATION WEALTH by Lauren Greenfield | International Center of Photography. (n.d.). https://www.icp.org/exhibitions/generation-wealth-by-lauren-greenfield

Lauren Greenfield’s “Generation Wealth” Exposes A Nation of Wannabes. (2022, June 22). Burnaway. https://burnaway.org/daily/lauren-greenfield-generation-wealth/

Schindel, D., & Schindel, D. (2019b, November 4). The Photographer Holding Up a Mirror to the Super-Rich. Hyperallergic. https://hyperallergic.com/423383/lauren-greenfield-generation-wealth-sundance-documentary/

Furman, A. (2016, October 27). Looks Like Teen Spirit: Intimate Portraits of 90s American Girlhood. Vice.com. https://www.vice.com/en/article/kzeay3/lauren-greenfield-girl-culture-90s-photos

Annenberg Space for Photography. (2018, February 2). Lauren Greenfield - Annenberg Space for Photography. https://www.annenbergphotospace.org/person/lauren-greenfield/

Lauren Greenfield - Artists - Fahey Klein Gallery. (n.d.). http://www.faheykleingallery.com/artists/lauren-greenfield/series/girl-culture?view=slider#4

[tehuti88-art]

7/28/23: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." This week's character from my anthro WWII storyline is Vischer (no first name ever given). He's a character from the first attempted reboot, whom I almost phased out for this reboot, but his character has started to develop again. He works solo for the resistance and has some odd connections to various other characters. There'll be more about him later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

Regarding his design, I originally pictured him as gray with blue eyes, but decided to make him a red-eyed (non-albino) rat instead. He's not hairless, he just has orangish-cream fur.

TUMBLR EDIT: Vischer (he's never been given a first name) is the subject of at least one adult-themed WIP also featuring Reseda Rat; it was never finished, and at this point likely never will be, due to its outdatedness, though the basic plot point behind it still stands so it could end up redone at some future point. His character was never developed beyond being a device to help Reseda realize his attraction to LC Silver Rat. Result, I didn't really know anything about him as a person, didn't care to, and at the outset of this latest reboot, was not interested in further developing him; although I have yet to technically can any of my older characters from the old character list, there are a handful who remain in development limbo (a few because I remember absolutely nothing about them and never even wrote a summary--Dietrich and Berit Brenner, for example?--who TF are these people??), and until like ten minutes ago, Vischer was going to remain there along with them. I realized he could still be a useful development tool for Reseda's and Silver's relationship, however, plus needed a relatively minor character to draw in hopes of writing up some shorter blog entries to TRY to get caught up, but I may have defeated myself with the latter intention. Vischer returning to the plot means he needs history. I've been gently poking at him, and I think at last he's offering some up to me. It's still HIGHLY under development (as I'm typing this, it was literally late last night that he began to open up), and...le sigh...he's brought another new character or two (or three), so far unnamed but certain to obtain names soon, along with him. So, a lot of this is still rather hazy and fudgy and subject to massive change, but here we go with some general groundwork.

Through means that I haven't ironed out yet, Vischer is responsible for, or at least feels himself to be responsible for, the death of another person, originally intended to be his lover though I suppose it could be anyone, maybe even a child. Consumed by guilt, and suicidal, he decides instead to at least make a bit of use of his own likely death by enlisting in the army to fight in the Great War. Vischer is not a fighter--he's in fact rather a pacifist, peaceful and reclusive by nature--so he reasons that, despite a crash course of training, he's unlikely to survive combat in the trenches. He can serve his country and probably end his own life at the same time. Perhaps it'll help a little to repay the debt he feels he owes for causing someone else's death.

Well...Vischer's best efforts often don't pan out, and this is one instance. Despite his assumption that he'll quickly be killed, turns out he's a halfway decent soldier after all. He goes out of his way to avoid killing, but does so when necessary, and while he could always lay down his gun and let whatever happen, he finds he just can't give up like that, he feels a compulsion to make his death a noble one--preferably, giving his own life to save someone else's. And one day near the end of the war, he finally gets the chance. He throws himself at a captain he doesn't even know and shields him from a shell blast with his own body, suffering severe injuries himself, though sparing the captain from the brunt of the blast. The mud and dirt clods land in spatters around them and they lie on the ground for a few moments gasping in pain; Vischer's ears are ringing terribly, and the pain of the percussion and shrapnel leaves him dizzy and breathless and unable to react at first. The captain lets out a small pained sound at last and Vischer pushes himself up a bit to let him breathe a little better. He's rather surprised to still be alive.

Captain: "You...you saved me."

Vischer: "Are you all right?"

Captain: "Just a..." *winces* "Just a little shrapnel in my side. I owe you my life."

Vischer: "You don't owe me anything."

*medics arrive with stretchers & clamber down toward them*

Captain: "I do. Your name? What's your name?"

Vischer: *reluctantly* "...Vischer. Feldwebel (Sergeant First Class) Vischer."

Captain: "Altermann. Hauptmann Harald Altermann. Feldwebel Vischer. I won't forget." *medics start bundling them up onto the stretchers* "I owe you! I'll pay you back, I promise."

Vischer: "You owe me nothing!"

*medics start carrying them both away*

Altermann: "I do." *shouting back at him* "Someday I'll pay you back! I won't forget!"

Vischer passes out from the pain. He groggily comes to in a medical ward, battered and bandaged and in a hundred kinds of agony, yet still alive. He groans to himself--he'd hoped he might die in the trench, as planned--yet here he is. He thinks, well, it's not a complete loss; at least he saved someone else's life, first. Nurses and a doctor come to tend to him, and he says, "There was a Hauptmann with me, where is he...?" The doctor gets an uncertain look which gives Vischer pause.

Doctor: "Herr Hauptmann Altermann...? This is the one?"

Vischer: "Ja, Harald Altermann...where is he?"

Doctor: "I'm sorry...he didn't make it."

Vischer: *blinks* "...What? But--we were just talking, he said he was barely wounded..."

Doctor: "A piece of shrapnel to his liver...he lost too much blood." *Vischer puts his hands to his face & moans* "You were friends...?" *Vischer starts crying* "I'm sorry for your loss." *awkwardly* "Would...would you know where we can reach his family?"

Vischer: *head pops up* "Family--?"

Doctor: "We found this in his pocket." *shows Vischer a photograph of Altermann along with a woman & a boy, all smiling at the camera*

Vischer: *moans again & covers his face, starting to sob*

The doctor, assuming Vischer and Altermann were good friends, ushers the nurses away to give him his space. It feels like Gott or the universe is playing some cruel joke. All Vischer had hoped to do was right a wrong, pay back the debt he owed, a life for a life. Now, not only is he still alive, but he has TWO deaths on his conscience--although technically Altermann's death isn't his fault, still, the fact that he didn't save him after all, despite his efforts, hurts just the same. Plus, Altermann has a family...Vischer doesn't, and due to his own romantic preferences, never plans to. He's entirely expendable, has no one to miss him when he's gone, has no apparent use on this earth...yet here he is, still alive. It's unfair, it's pointless, and Vischer finds he has to conclude that either Gott is the nastiest, cruelest Being to ever exist, or else He just doesn't exist at all.

He decides the best course of action now is to simply remove himself from society and disappear. He has no will to live, yet neither does he have the will to actively kill himself; he'll just stay by himself and with hope he'll at least harm no one else. He's developed a form of shell shock as it is--shaking terribly and unable to stop, waking up from frequent nightmares--so he's easily declared unfit for further military duty. Not that he was likely to serve anyway--Germany surrenders, bringing the war to an end, and the military is greatly reduced, most soldiers losing their positions. Vischer is lucky, given aid from the state for his medical condition as well as some old family savings, to be able to retreat to a country house and recuperate on his own, without needing to work. He receives no visitors aside from a nurse once in a while to check on his recovery, a delivery man who brings goods and supplies ordered from the city, and, very very rarely, a distant neighbor offering some of their own goods or services for trade. Vischer is known mostly for his reclusiveness--all anyone really knows of him is he fought in the war and took it rather hard--yet he seems harmless as well, and is polite, if distant, to anyone who visits with honest intentions. Once or twice, someone with not-so-good intentions shows up, and is greeted with the business end of Vischer's rifle--despite his seclusion and pacifist attitude, he knows how to take care of himself. So aside from the occasional trade visits, everyone leaves him alone.

Time passes like this. The National Socialists come to power. The second war starts. Vischer escapes military duty thanks to his shell shock, and watches events unfold from afar. He doesn't like the turn his homeland has taken, so much so that, when he catches an escaped prisoner trespassing on his land, he steps back and lowers his gun, waving him through. He avoids getting involved with the more established resistance networks, but he never turns anyone in, either. His property is recognized as a sort of neutral ground that it's safe to pass through, though not to shelter upon, as nobody is quite sure of Vischer's political ideology. He doesn't want to be responsible either for trying to save anyone's life or for getting anyone killed, so he engages in neither.

A military truck makes the long drive up to his house one day and someone gets out to knock at his door. Vischer refuses to answer; whatever it is, it can't be good, so he ignores them and after a few moments they leave. They make a couple more efforts over the following days and Vischer never answers, feeling vaguely disgruntled to be so bothered. He falls ill not long after, and ends up falling and knocking himself out; he could very well end up just dying there, as he often goes weeks without contact with anyone, yet he wakes again in a hospital bed, and lies there blinking and confused for a while. How did he get there? A nurse passes his bed, sees him, and calls out, "Ah, he's awake," and gestures. Someone pulls the dividing curtain back a bit and peers in. Hauptmann Altermann smiles from ear to ear and exclaims, "I'm glad I found you when I did, you're a hard person to get a hold of!"

Vischer of course just gapes, unable to speak. He starts shaking even harder. Hauptmann Altermann steps up to his bed--he's dressed in a Wehrmacht uniform now, not the uniform of the Imperial German Army--and holds out his hand, but Vischer is too rattled to take it. He introduces himself: Herr Hauptmann Harald Altermann...the Second. This is Hauptmann Altermann's son, whom Vischer saw in the photograph with his parents so long ago. Vischer lets out a breath and his shaking abates just a little though he's still spooked, saying, "I thought...I thought for a moment you were your father." "I've been told we look much alike," Hauptmann Altermann says, and apologizes for frightening him. He's the one who brought Vischer here, after peering in his window and spotting him lying on the floor. "You are the one who's been stopping by my house?" Vischer asks; yes, he is. He's been trying to get a hold of Vischer, but "You don't answer your door." "I assumed if it's the military, it's bad news," Vischer murmurs, to which Altermann smiles again and says, "Ha! Ja, always seems that way, doesn't it...?"

The nurse returns to explain that Vischer has an infection they're treating with penicillin, as well as a mild concussion from his fall, and they'd like to keep him overnight just to be sure he's all right before he returns home; right now he needs his rest. The captain promises to get in touch with him later, wishes Vischer well, and leaves. Vischer realizes he didn't get the chance to ask WHY Altermann has been trying to contact him; he'll have to do so later.

The next day a doctor checks Vischer out, deems him good to go, and they wheel him through the hospital after calling a taxi to transport him, since he has no car. The closer he gets to the exit, however, the harder Vischer's heart starts to pound and the harder he shakes, his breath catching in his throat. He grabs onto a post and halts the chair, refusing to let go. He feels like if he goes out the doors, his heart may very well stop--it makes no sense, he knows it, but still, he can't go a step further. He's effectively stuck in the hospital. As the staff start discussing how to get him out, their voices are gradually drowned out by the sound of shells exploding, and Vischer slides out of his chair and huddles on the floor, ducking his head under his arms and shaking so hard his bones hurt, holding on to the pillar--tree stump?--for dear life. He can feel the hospital tiles smooth under his legs, yet he can smell the smoke and the blood and has no idea WTF's going on.

It feels like an eternity that he's stuck in this weird no man's land between trench and hospital, hyperventilating and shaking, before something touches his shoulder and he very dimly hears a voice in the midst of all the shelling. Hauptmann Altermann is calling his name. Vischer manages to lift his head a bit and open his eyes; Altermann is crouching beside him, looking just as he did on the battlefield, except not wounded; "Herr Vischer...?" he says, concern on his face, while shells keep exploding in the muddy earth just behind him. Then, oddly--"It's all right, you're safe now," he says, and Vischer blinks--his uniform is slowly fading, changing, his Stahlhelm becoming a peaked officer's cap, the mudstains vanishing, the devastated barbed-wire wasteland behind him shifting into an aseptic hallway. "You're in hospital," Altermann says, and the last sights and smells of the trenches disappear and Vischer's tensed muscles relax, his arms loosening their grasp on the pillar. "It's all right," Altermann says, this time to the hovering hospital staff, "I can handle it." He stays by Vischer for a while as he calms down, his heart and breath slowing and his bone-rattling shaking shifting into a tremble. As he comes back to reality he starts to feel immensely foolish. "H...how did you know...?" he murmurs, to which Altermann replies, "Battle fatigue...I've seen plenty of it myself."

He doesn't even question Vischer's terror of going outside, though they do need to figure out how to get him back home, where Vischer is sure he'll feel better. Altermann says he will drive him, if he can make it out to his car. Vischer trembles harder and stares at the doors: "I'm not sure I can do it." After a moment Altermann says, "Here...take my coat," removes his greatcoat, and holds it out to him; Vischer furrows his brow but takes it, and slowly stands up when Altermann does the same. "Drape it over your shoulders and head, and shut your eyes," Altermann instructs; "How do I know where I'm going?" Vischer asks, to which Altermann replies, "Hold on to my arm and I'll guide you."

Vischer is skeptical, but obeys. He covers his head with Altermann's coat, grasps at the air, finds the captain's arm and locks his elbow around his, shutting his eyes tight. Altermann starts walking and he follows; when he hears the doors open and the sound of traffic, his heart starts beating hard again and his breathing picks up, but--"Breathe slow," Altermann says, "focus on your heartbeat, try to make it slow"--Vischer does so, and with tentative steps he makes it to a car parked at the curb; Altermann opens the door and Vischer climbs into what he realizes is the backseat. "You can lie down and keep your eyes shut if it helps," Altermann says, "and I'll let you know when we get there." Vischer lies down on the seat and draws the coat around himself tighter; Altermann shuts the door, gets in the driver's seat, and they depart from the hospital.

Just as he'd suspected, when they arrive at Vischer's property, he calms down considerably, and can even return Altermann's coat; Altermann accompanies him inside to make sure he's all right, then rummages around to make some tea. They sit in Vischer's parlor in silence for a while.

Vischer: "I'm sorry to put you out so."

Altermann: "It's all right, I don't mind. Like I said though, I'm glad I found you when I did. It's so empty out here, what do you do when you need something?"

Vischer: "I don't need much. I've done fine for myself."

Altermann: "Well...seems we've found the one thing you can't do well for yourself. You have a telephone line at least, I hope...?"

Vischer: "I have a telephone. Danke for your help, but you needn't worry yourself about me."

Altermann: "Sorry, Herr Vischer, but you're on my mind now, I'm not the sort who just forgets someone. I'll check on you if it's all right. At least until you're all better."

Vischer: "I'm fine." *fidgets* "It reminds me though, you said you've been trying to get in touch with me...why are you here?"

Altermann: "I owe you a debt."

Vischer is both startled to hear those words again, and confused--how and why does he owe him a debt? Altermann explains that the debt is his father's, which he's come to pay in his place. How does he know about that? Hauptmann Altermann was alive long enough to tell his doctors and nurses about the "Feldwebel Vischer" who had helped him on the battlefield, asking them to in turn tell his family; after the doctor managed to track them down, he passed along the word. His son never forgot the information, and after rising through the ranks in the Wehrmacht, decided it was finally time to locate Vischer and pay him back. But what's the debt? "You saved his life," Altermann says; Vischer furrows his brow and says, "No I didn't. He died in spite of me. Or maybe even because of me." Altermann replies, "You tried, and you gained him a little time more. Enough time to ask the doctors to tell us he loved us. It might not seem like much to you, Herr Vischer, but to my mother and me, it was everything. I'm here to pay you back like he promised."

Lots of conversations between these two have been running through my head. The long story short, Vischer keeps trying to put Altermann off, insisting there's no debt to repay, and even if there was, it was his father's debt, not his. Altermann confidently counters every argument he comes up with, however, and no matter how short tempered Vischer gets about it, remains undeterred. And believe me when I say Vischer gets short tempered; all he wants is to be left alone, to owe no one and have no one owe him, so Altermann's insistence on paying him back for some (to him) imaginary debt wears on him greatly. Nothing he says or does, no matter how ill tempered, puts the captain off; even when he loses his temper and snaps at him, Altermann simply sits and takes it, letting him vent it out of his system before responding calmly that it doesn't matter what he thinks, a debt is a debt, and he's going to find some way to pay him back.

When Vischer gets angry one day, something in his comments finally sparks a different response from Altermann: The young captain frowns slightly, remaining silent as always while Vischer goes off, though afterward, he says something that gives Vischer pause: "Not everything is about you, you know. Do you stop to think maybe I have my own reason for wanting to repay a debt?" Vischer pauses, then asks, "Is that what this is?--you have a debt of your own that you owe?" Altermann confirms this...yet won't tell Vischer what that debt is. The only thing he needs to know is that Altermann owes someone, he's chosen Vischer to repay (largely due to his father already owing him), and he won't let it be until the debt is repaid. Various times after Altermann does favors for him, of varying complexity, Vischer asks if now, finally, they're even; yet it never seems like they are. He knows Altermann's not just being contrary--he can sense his sincerity, that he genuinely feels he hasn't fully paid him back yet, which convinces him that Altermann owes a heavy debt indeed--possibly far heavier even than his father owing Vischer an hour or so of his life. He also suggests, more than once, that Altermann name something he can do that would make them even, or set up some scenario that would make it so, but to these ideas Altermann just throws up his hands: "It doesn't work that way, Herr Vischer; I can't just tell ahead of time what will or won't settle things. It's something I need to feel in my gut. Only then will I know for sure." Out of ideas, Vischer asks, will Altermann accept it then, and move on, when his debt is paid in full...? If that's what he wants, Altermann replies, then yes. Then he'll move on.

I don't yet know what Altermann's debt actually is, though it's obviously a big/serious one. This is Vischer's entry, so I won't brainstorm what it is just yet; that can wait for Altermann's entry, if and when I should get to it. The long story short for now is that Hauptmann Altermann effectively becomes Vischer's shadow throughout much of the storyline, helping him out in various ways--one of the biggest and most lasting being to help him overcome most of his agoraphobia, to the point that he's able to finally leave his property and go out in public without suffering a panic attack, as long as Altermann is nearby. They become quite close, though it always remains more of a helper/helpee relationship rather than equal friends (and the two are never romantically interested in each other--Vischer never tells Altermann about his preferences, since he serves alongside the Nazis, after all). Neither one of them ever loses sight of the fact that Altermann's main reason for even being in touch with Vischer is to pay him back, and that once this is accomplished--if ever--it's simply assumed that they'll part ways.

At some point an American Trench Rats unit must pass by Vischer's property--they've likely been informed it's safe to pass through--and somehow, PFC/Lance Corporal Reseda Rat (I think he gets promoted at some point during the story) ends up injured and stuck on the property; he abruptly finds himself confronted by Vischer with his rifle. The Rats know Vischer as the landowner, yet that's all they know of him, and they've never established contact. Reseda passes out before he can try to defend himself. He comes to inside a house, bundled up on a couch with his injuries tended to; he's terribly confused and groggy at first, until Vischer shows up. An unwelcoming look on his face, he addresses Reseda, seeming to be asking something. "I can't speak German," Reseda says, to which Vischer replies, "Good thing for you I speak English, then."

Vischer is obviously suspicious and vaguely hostile toward Reseda at first, though it gradually becomes clear he has no malicious intent and is really just a private citizen who wishes to be left alone. He has no apparent ties to the Nazis even though a Wehrmacht officer (Altermann) has been observed visiting his property; the Rats do their typical digging and find out that Altermann, despite his necessary connections to the Party, isn't a member himself, though they can't be sure whether he's a fellow traveler or not. Vischer refuses to divulge further information on Altermann and the Rats get the feeling he's protecting him as a friend. He promises not to notify authorities about the Rats, although this is merely his standard procedure and has nothing to do with any Allied sympathies; when they make tentative overtures at requesting the usage of his land, he refuses this as well, vowing that if he finds out they've gone against his wishes and done so anyway, he'll make liberal use of his gun. The Rats take a step back from attempting to negotiate with him even as they continue trying to determine his loyalties; most private parties who disavow any relationship with the Nazis have been receptive so far to cooperation, so Vischer's neutrality is perplexing and makes them suspicious.

One thing, though, seems clear: Vischer has shown a willingness to communicate with Reseda, plus he didn't shoot him--he actually helped him. The Rats decide to use Reseda to try to collect information on him. This request doesn't sit well with Reseda at all, so he does something that, if the Rats, and especially his company commander Lance Corporal Silver, caught wind of it, would likely get him in hot water: He outright informs Vischer this is why he's been sent back to talk to him. Vischer just stands and listens, an odd expression on his face, as Reseda explains the situation; when he finishes, Vischer is silent a moment, then says, "Why are you telling me this?" Reseda admits he doesn't know; "It just doesn't feel right asking you for a favor using a ruse." Something about this answer makes the look on Vischer's face shift slightly; Reseda wonders if he's going to be asked to leave, when Vischer finally says, "Since you've been honest with me, then I'll be honest with you."

The Trench Rats aren't the first ones to request the use of Vischer's property for their own purposes. Nazi officials make the same request, promising that they intend only to have troops occasionally rest and make plans there. Hauptmann Altermann, who brought the officers along with him, stands aside and remains silent as they talk; Vischer asks for a bit of time to think it over, and they leave. He privately asks Altermann what he thinks. Altermann doesn't answer for a moment, seeming indecisive; he finally appears to mentally settle something, and replies, "I think you shouldn't believe them. They're lying to you." He explains that they'd been openly discussing their true plans for Vischer and his property on the way there, assuming that Altermann sympathized; they in fact intend to make full use of his land as both lodgings for troops and an observation base, with the intent to hunt down, capture, and kill any enemies they find upon it, and not only that, but if Vischer opposes this or raises a fuss, it must mean he's not loyal to the Reich, and he'll be put down as well: "They have a file on you already," Altermann says, "all the private details the SS could dig up on your life now and during and before the Great War. They say there are rumors about you from back then. I won't go into detail. But it's enough to give them an excuse to put you in a camp or to kill you." Vischer feels his insides knotting up, his skin going cold and his trembling growing, as Altermann talks; he knows exactly what "rumors" the file must be referring to, and he's heard stories about what the Nazis do to people like him. Just as with Reseda later on, "Why are you telling me this...?" he asks numbly, to which Altermann replies, "I know you value honesty, and I owe you. And I hope I'm right in trusting you to know that I don't agree with this. It's not my place to indulge in such rumors. But mere rumors shouldn't be enough to get someone killed, anyway."

So, there it is: Altermann's aware of Vischer's secret, and neither approves nor disapproves--he finds it's none of his business. He has no interest in outing him. And he's taking a big risk in merely telling Vischer this, since he's unsure of Vischer's loyalty to the Reich, himself. In effect, he's just shown Vischer his hand, and opened himself up to prosecution if Vischer decides to turn him in. Vischer is pretty sure he could guarantee his own continued safety from the Nazis if he were to hand them a far bigger fish such as Altermann--Altermann had absolutely everything to lose, and nothing to gain, from sharing the information he just shared. After a few tense moments of silence, Vischer ventures, "And you're sure that telling me this doesn't fulfill your debt...?" There's a brief pause before the corner of Altermann's mouth twitches. "Not by a long shot, I'm afraid," he replies.

Vischer doesn't give Reseda all the details of his relationship with Altermann, but says he's nobody to worry about. He won't grant the Rats permission to use his land without knowing what exactly they intend to do with it. Reseda calls Silver to speak with Vischer about their plans, figuring his word will carry more weight; Silver is perhaps the best known of the Rats, deeply despised by the Nazis. Vischer recognizes him by name when he arrives and clarifies that the Rats won't use his land for anything but observational purposes; he seems perplexed when Vischer insists that, should the Rats encounter any Nazis on his property, they won't attempt to capture or kill them, and will maintain neutrality. "You have to admit it doesn't sound terribly neutral," Silver says, to which Vischer coldly replies, "If you don't like my terms, you're free to take your business off my property." Communication briefly threatens to break down when Reseda steps back in to try to calm them both down. Silver grudgingly backs off and accepts Vischer's terms; Vischer seems vaguely bemused at first by his change in attitude, yet then appears to notice or realize something, and also backs off, and grants the Trench Rats the permission they were seeking. As they prepare to leave, Silver instructs Reseda that, since he seems to have established some sort of rapport with Vischer, he's to act as an intermediary; he tells him to remain behind until they return with supplies to set up an outpost. Reseda is nonplussed--he hadn't expected this--yet reluctantly accepts when Vischer offers to get him a drink while he waits. As Vischer hands him a mug of tea, he says, "I could say the same of Herr Silver." "Say what...?" Reseda asks, puzzled. Vischer replies, "That you seem to have established a rapport with him," at which Reseda nearly drops his drink. He shoots Vischer a look that's startled, hostile, guarded, and confused all at once, and Vischer knows he read him correctly: Reseda has romantic feelings for Silver.

Over time, as the two grow familiar with each other, Vischer subtly makes it clear Reseda's own secret is safe with him, and hints at the reason why. Neither of them ever goes into a great amount of detail--it isn't necessary--though they share enough for Vischer to learn that Reseda's feelings are so far unrequited, and he has no plans to make it otherwise. He briefly outlines how, recently, Silver was captured by the Nazis and tortured before escaping, and the torture included an incident with a particularly brutal Nazi sergeant; again, he doesn't give details, though the pained look that flits across his face makes it clear it was something especially dreadful. Although Silver's always been an exceptionally critical company leader, frequently targeting Reseda for a tongue lashing, Reseda insists the criticism is justified, and has been attempting to cover for Silver's occasional lapses in focus since the capture. Sensing his guilt, Vischer says, "You realize none of this is on you, ja?--he's not your responsibility." Reseda just stares at his mug before murmuring, "And what if some of it is on me...? He shouldn't end up punished on my account. I'm expendable, he's not."

Vischer understands everything Reseda's feeling, since he's dealt with all the same feelings himself. He finds himself perplexed by his desire to convince the Trench Rat that he's not to blame for the situation, when he's never managed to convince himself of the same thing. As he tries to work through these conflicting feelings he requests confirmation of Reseda's story from Altermann. Altermann, who doesn't know about Vischer's agreement with the Trench Rats--Vischer doesn't want to compromise him by clueing him in--verifies that "Der Silbergeist" was briefly captured by the Nazis while breaking into the headquarters of a medical project. He's heard of the doctor in charge of the project, and yes, he makes use of the guards to rough up his prisoners now and then. Unprompted, Altermann disdainfully mentions one particularly thuggish guard the doctor likes to use, named Lange; even the other Nazis hate him. "He...has a quite repulsive way of dealing with his captives," he says, curtly. Vischer understands exactly what he means by this and doesn't need to ask for clarification. Silver hadn't made a very good impression on him, though he muses that the Trench Rat is likely dealing with trauma similar to his own, and he knows how difficult he himself is to deal with; that Reseda is still willing to deal with Silver says a lot about how much he must care for him.

Vischer decides not to bring Silver up again unless Reseda does so first, to avoid making him uncomfortable. It takes a bit for the Rats to set up at his place--Vischer offers them his dining room to place some communication equipment, watching with detached curiosity--so he and Reseda maintain contact, and Reseda even confides in him a little, not much, though more than Vischer senses he's had the chance to tell anyone else before. He admits something one day that surprises Vischer--that he wasn't entirely honest in his earlier description of the situation. Silver had actually kissed him, just once, not so long ago. Vischer expects to feel resentment at being lied to...yet he doesn't. Instead, he furrows his brow and says, "Why did you feel you had to conceal this from me?" Reseda looks both guilty and confused; "I don't know," he admits, "maybe because I don't want to put too much thought into it...in case it means nothing." Vischer asks, "And why would you think it means nothing?" to which Reseda replies, head lowered, "Because it has to. I can't help thinking all of it is my fault. I was angry...I wanted something to humiliate him the way he humiliated me...and look what happened." Feeling a pang, Vischer says, "Herr Reseda, I know nothing I say can convince you, because nobody's ever convinced me, but that isn't how it works. You don't make something happen by thinking about it."

As soon as he says this--an odd reaction. Reseda stiffens slightly, then looks at him, seeming confused again, as if he can't believe Vischer said that. Vischer briefly wonders whether he should apologize--for what, he isn't sure--when Reseda kisses him. His eyes go wide and he blinks; his first instinct is to shove Reseda away and punch him for good measure, yet...the brief little surge of anger immediately dies when he suddenly realizes how lonely he is, and has been, all these years of self-imposed isolation. He hasn't had any meaningful contact or communication with anyone but Altermann ever since his last relationship, and Altermann's friendship does only so much. Although he isn't entirely sure it's a good idea to get so closely involved with anyone else, he finds himself returning the kiss.

For a short while, he and Reseda privately meet; it isn't difficult to conceal the relationship, given Reseda's ready-made explanation for being there, though Vischer easily senses the Trench Rat's embarrassment--not quite strong enough to be shame, so he knows that, similar to him, he's probably been fortunate enough to never deal with the sort of hatred and hostility their sort often faces. It's more likely Reseda's discomfort is self-inflicted, like his own. So he makes a point to never discuss the situation, or try to pinpoint where exactly they stand; he just assumes he's a temporary distraction while Reseda tries to figure out his feelings. And that's a bit saddening, but otherwise fine by him; he knows that, given his personal situation, it's highly unlikely he'll ever fall in love with anyone again or carry on a proper relationship, so a temporary reprieve from the loneliness will do. It's a bit more complicated for him to hide all this from Altermann, though he manages. Result, he's a bit surprised, but not offended, when Reseda accidentally calls him "Silbergeist." He finally brings up the subject again--pointing out Reseda's obvious fixation on Silver, as well as asking why he hasn't acted on it. Reseda initially insists that Silver would never be interested in him like that--here is their exchange--but pauses to recall the signs he's already seen, and Vischer knows a seed of uncertainty has taken root at last. He says, "I won't tell you to stop coming by...but what it is you really want, really need, I don't believe you'll find it here. And you won't be happy until you do find it."

Vischer is vaguely saddened and wistful when Reseda takes the step and moves on, but knows it's necessary, and the two of them were never going to be anything other than distractions for each other. They end their physical relationship but do maintain contact related to the Trench Rats' operations on Vischer's property. In passing one day (this is a developing plot point that needs ironing out) Reseda makes mention of a Luftwaffe soldier the Rats had captured, who managed to escape their custody--an unusual occurrence, given how careful the Rats usually are. He shows Vischer a photo they took of him for their records, along with the info that he's a Junker, but Vischer claims he's never seen him and knows nothing about him, and even if he did, he wouldn't turn him back over to them. It's a minor incident, soon forgotten, until much later on.

By then, Altermann's helped Vischer to manage his agoraphobia enough that he can leave his property as long as Altermann accompanies him; the Germans know of Vischer's difficulty adjusting after the Great War, so Altermann assisting him isn't questionable. Altermann informs him he's been invited to a visit with a Nazi official and despite not wishing to go, he has to, or else risk arousing suspicion about his loyalty to the Reich; he adds that Vischer's loyalty has been similarly questioned, and suggests he come along. When Vischer learns exactly where they've been invited--to a labor camp--he nearly refuses out of disgust, but reluctantly agrees, as who knows what other options the Nazis will offer. So one day Altermann drives him to the camp and they're welcomed inside by the commandant who's invited them. He has all the prisoners called out to stand in formation and brags about how obedient they are despite their obvious limitations. Altermann is better at feigning appreciation for this than Vischer is; he and the commandant get to chatting while Vischer steps away briefly to shake off his revulsion. He finds himself eyeing the rows of inmates standing at attention, perfectly silent in their striped outfits; he turns away from them and starts walking in Altermann's direction before slowing to a stop, frowning and peering back. For some reason a prisoner in one of the front rows catches his notice; although there are a handful of others with blue eyes and Aryan features, most of them have colored badges that identify them as Jews or Roma or criminals. This one is wearing a red triangle. Vischer isn't familiar with this badge. What really caught his eye, however, was how familiar the prisoner looks; he's sure he's seen him before, which is nearly impossible, as he almost never goes out. He starts feeling suspicious, though, and approaches him, careful to avoid the notice of the commandant or guards.

Vischer: "Excuse me." *stops before & a bit to the side of the prisoner, looking at him; prisoner's eyes shift toward him, toward the prisoner to his other side, back to Vischer, then forward again* "Ja, you, with the red badge. Could you tell me your name...?"

Prisoner: *stiff rehearsed voice* "We do not use our names in the camp, Mein Herr."

Vischer: "Yet you do have a name."

Prisoner: "We leave our names at the gate, Mein Herr."

Vischer: *vaguely impatient* "You were surely given a name by your mother and father before you came here, ja...?"

Prisoner: *swallows* "My identification number is--" *rattles off a letter & a bunch of numbers*

Vischer: *changing tack* "Your badge then, can you tell me what it means--? Why you're here?"

Prisoner: "It is the badge of a traitor and a deserter, Mein Herr."

Vischer: "I notice you don't say you actually are either of these things, Freund."

Prisoner: *eyes shift toward Vischer, toward the commandant, then forward again; he looks anxious now & bites his lip a little*

Vischer: *noticing his look, moves a bit closer to block the commandant's view* *whispering* "There's something you need to say...?"

Prisoner: *long pause* *lowers head toward Vischer just a little so Vischer follows suit* *whispering* "My..." *loses nerve & trails off*

Vischer: "Your name...?"

Prisoner: *pause* "Adalard von Staden."

Vischer: "Von Staden?"

Prisoner: "I am neither a traitor nor a deserter, Mein Herr. I've served the Fatherland faithfully."

Vischer: "You are a soldier?"

Prisoner: "Airman. Tell my family--" *cuts himself off & stands at attention again; Vischer looks to see the commandant approaching, Altermann following*

Vischer turns away from the prisoner; Altermann has an expression that shows he noticed Vischer's conversation with the prisoner and attempted to distract the commandant as long as he could, while the commandant himself looks suspicious. "Why are you talking to that prisoner?" he asks. "I was curious about his badge, I've never seen it before," Vischer says, to which the commandant curtly replies, "It's the badge of a political prisoner. If you wished to know, you had merely to ask me or a guard, the prisoners aren't allowed to converse. Now if you and Herr Hauptmann Altermann are done here..."

Their awkward visit concluded--"Atrocious place," Altermann mutters on the way out the gate--they head back to Vischer's home, unsure if the trip helped much to preserve the appearance of loyalty to the Reich. "Why were you so interested in that prisoner...?" Altermann asks on the way in, puzzled. Vischer says he swears he's seen him before. As expected, Altermann expresses skepticism over this--where would Vischer have the opportunity to meet someone of the prisoner's age?--he's too young to have served in the Great War. Vischer pauses before deciding to take the plunge.

Vischer: "You say you owe me a debt...you swear you'll tell no one what I tell you?"

Altermann: "Of course."

Vischer: "On your father's name."

Altermann: *furrows brow at Vischer's seriousness* "I swear on it, Herr Vischer. What is this about?"

Vischer: "That prisoner claims his name is Adalard von Staden."

Altermann: *frowning* "Von Staden...? A Junker name?"

Vischer: "He claims he was wrongly accused."

Altermann: "As vile as the whole practice is, Herr Vischer, I'm sure many prisoners claim this. And it may be odd to find a Junker in a camp but it makes sense, if he's a political prisoner. What makes this one special?"

Vischer: "I've heard his name and seen his face before."

Altermann: *confused* "How? When?"

Vischer: *pause* "You insist you owe me a debt. If I ask something of you, you'll do it...?"

Altermann: "Of course I will, if it's in my power."

Vischer: "I need to know I can trust you."

Altermann: "Herr Vischer..." *shrugs* "I'm not sure how much clearer I can make it. Whatever you need me to do, if I can, I will. And if I can't, then I still owe you. I swear you'll have nothing to regret from merely asking."

Vischer: *long pause* "I've been in communication with Allied forces. For some months now."

Even as he finally admits this, Vischer does indeed regret it: He sees the way Altermann's eyes widen and all the blood drains from his face. Of course there are limits to debts, there always are. Even as he mentally berates himself for being so foolish, Altermann exclaims, "Why would you even joke about something so serious--?" Vischer starts to protest that he isn't joking; Altermann raises his voice and interrupts, "Of course you're joking with me, and I don't find it amusing," yet even as he says this, he's hurriedly pulling a little notepad and a pencil stub out of his pocket and jotting something down, then holding it up; Vischer opens his mouth to defend himself, then sees what Altermann's written: Vorsicht bei Gesprächen, Feind hört mit! (Be careful when talking, the enemy is listening!)--and immediately shuts up, his skin going cold. "You're not being yourself," Altermann says aloud, "why would you even tell such a joke?" Vischer swallows, gathers himself a bit, and shakily replies, "I just needed to be sure you were trustworthy...and that's the biggest thing I could think of. I apologize." "Ja, well..." Altermann says, putting away the notepad and gesturing for Vischer to follow him, "You already know this, you needn't lie about such ridiculous things. Let's fetch a drink to settle you down."

Altermann points Vischer out to the patio and brings out the drinks; Vischer's not big on drinking but he needs one now, downing half of his glass in one go. "I can't be sure," Altermann says quietly as he joins him, "but I can't help but think maybe they wanted me out of your house for a bigger reason than they hinted. It's why I asked you to come with me even though I knew you'd hate it. Thing is, they could've taken advantage of your absence, as well." He pours the visibly rattled Vischer another drink. "Should be safe to talk out here," he adds, and Vischer lets out a breath.

Vischer: "I...I didn't even think."

Altermann: "Of course you wouldn't, what reason would you have?"

Vischer: "You're sure you haven't just repaid your debt to me...?"

Altermann: "Not yet I haven't. Now...what was this you were saying? About Allies?" *furrows brow* "Did I hear you right? When would you possibly have had the chance...? And why? I have so many questions."

Vischer: "I haven't much to say. While you were gone, obviously. They wanted use of my land. Same as our men. I allowed them only if they limited themselves to observations and regrouping. I told them if they attempted using my land as an outpost to attack our men, they would have to leave. The same rule I would have given our men if I granted them access, but remember, you said they wouldn't abide by it. I haven't offered or given them any information on our troops or on you. Although I know this makes little difference should you choose to report me."

Altermann: "I have no interest. They've abided by their end of the deal?"

Vischer: "So far. They ask for a little information now and then but I don't give it. I think they know where they stand."

Altermann: "How long has this been going on? You said months?"

Vischer: "A while now." *peers anxiously back at his house*

Altermann: "I have no reason to suspect they planted anything prior to today, and they would have had next-to-no opportunity, anyway. I'm not even sure if they did so today, yet I urge you to caution just in case, especially since I think I might have thwarted their original plan. If they had planted anything before, I think we would've found out by now."

Vischer: "You really believe they would have killed me...?"

Altermann: "I've told you already, given what they already know, they could take any opportunity to be rid of you. I think I'm probably the reason they haven't tried anything, though I could always be overestimating my own importance. Either way, better to be safe. What does any of this have to do with that prisoner, though...?"

Vischer: "One of them told me of an airman they captured a while back, who escaped their custody. They don't lose many prisoners. They seemed to think he might compromise them but I told them that even if I knew what became of him, I wouldn't help them track him back down, and they dropped it. They had a photo, though, and said he was a young Junker named von Staden. The same man I saw in the camp."

Altermann: "You're absolutely certain of this."

Vischer: "I remember his face clearly, Herr Altermann. The type of face they put on recruiting posters, not stick in a camp. Yet for some reason they believe he's a traitor? He insists he's loyal to the Fatherland."

Altermann: "They likely think he aided these people he escaped from. Especially if escapes are indeed as rare as you yourself say they claimed?"

Vischer: "He was very clear that he aided no one. Do not tell me they put a loyal German citizen in a camp for absolutely nothing...?"

Altermann: *uneasy look* "As much as it pains me to say, as I said before, sometimes all it takes is a rumor."

Vischer: "He wanted me to tell his family about him. He has people on the outside, Herr Altermann, who might not have any idea what's become of him. The people I'm in contact with have no information on his whereabouts so I doubt his family knows, either. It's possible I'm the only one, aside from the authorities."

Altermann: "And why is it that you tell me all this...?"

Vischer: "You said you would do what you can to repay your debt. You still mean it?"

Altermann: "If I'm able. What would you have me do?"

Vischer: "You knew about the SS file on me. You must have connections. Try to find out if this man is who he says he is and if the intel is correct. My heart and my gut tell me he's innocent. His family deserves to know. And, if it's at all possible, to get him out of that place." *pause* "I realize I'm putting you in a difficult position, Herr Altermann, and may be overstepping my bounds in what I ask. So I understand if you refuse, and considering what you did today, I'll still consider the debt paid..."

Altermann: *shaking head* "Nein...I told you I'd do what's in my power. I'm just not sure if it is. I'll do what I can, though. And actually, as foolish as it may be, now you've piqued my curiosity about this man, as well."

Altermann heads off, promising to let Vischer know anything he's learned, and warning him to watch what he says in the meantime, in case his house is bugged. Vischer returns to his house and peers around uneasily. His beloved refuge suddenly seems just as frightening and unwelcoming as the outside world, and he's unsure how to handle it. He looks around a little bit, but has no idea where he'd hide a bug were he the one trying to eavesdrop, so stops.

Silver Rat and part of his company arrive the next day for a standard visit. At the door, Silver opens his mouth to talk, when Vischer cuts him off with a shushing motion, then cups a hand to his ear and glances about. Silver presses his mouth shut, gives him a suspicious look, yet then starts gesturing silently at the Rats behind him, pointing them toward different areas of Vischer's house; they quickly disperse. Vischer stands in a hallway and watches anxiously as they feel and peer under furniture, wall art, cupboards. Eventually they start returning and whisper in Silver's ear; he frowns, nods, makes a "wait" gesture at a questioning look, and then gestures at Vischer, motioning at mouth, ear, shaking his head. Vischer signals for him to follow him back to the patio.

Vischer: "You found something?"

Silver: "Four listening devices." *Vischer shudders a little* "How did you know they were there?"

Vischer: "My friend suspected."

Silver: "Your friend in the Wehrmacht?"

Vischer: "He's none of your concern." *Silver stares at him* "Ja, him. That's all you need to know."

Silver: "How long have these been there?"

Vischer: "I believe they were placed just yesterday."

Silver: "And why would they have interest in spying on you?"

Vischer: *piqued* "Apparently I'm not loyal enough to the Reich. I didn't have to tell you about them, but I did. What are you going to do with them? Destroy them?"

Silver: "I think they'd actually be more useful left intact."

Vischer: "Intact--?"

Silver: "Now that we know where they are, they can be used to disseminate false information."

Vischer: "False--? I already told you. I'm not getting involved in your business, and you're not running missions from my house. If you think I'll start lying to the authorities--"

Silver: "You know full well you're already involved AND you've already lied to the authorities. As for these things, the moment we destroy them or remove them, it tips them off that you know, and they'll come for you. Is that what you want...?"

Vischer falls silent, steaming yet knowing it's true. Feeling rather tricked, he asks what exactly they want him to do. Reseda suggests--since Silver and Vischer look ready to deck each other--that the next time Vischer talks within range of the eavesdropping devices, he start by giving an erroneous bit of info, then seeing where it tracks back to. Perhaps someone specific is behind this. Tensions simmer down a little bit and Reseda takes Vischer aside to ask if he knows the real reason why the Nazis are so interested in him; Vischer replies that as far as he's aware, his loyalty is the real reason, though "I imagine they're going to be far more interested in me, now"--he describes the visit to the camp, the run-in with the prisoner, the reaction of the commandant. (He doesn't mention telling Altermann.) Reseda's surprise proves the Rats were indeed unaware of von Staden's fate after he escaped their custody; additionally, he verifies that, while von Staden was polite and didn't cause trouble, he never cooperated with them or fed them information. It's exactly as he said--he's neither a traitor nor a deserter. "Then they really did stick one of their own in a camp for nothing," Vischer says.

The next day when Altermann returns and Vischer brings up the bugs--without mentioning the Trench Rats' involvement--he makes a face: "I can't believe I didn't think of it, of course destroying or removing the devices would tip them off." He suggests trying to trace them back to whoever ordered them placed, by planting false info; as Reseda said the exact same thing, Vischer decides it must be a decent idea, and he and Altermann accordingly stage a brief conversation with false leads in it. Altermann then gestures for Vischer to follow him back outside, where he outlines what he's learned so far. The commandant wasn't very forthcoming with info on the prisoner, but finally relented when Altermann made a few vague threats ("Ugh, I hate trying to pull rank--on someone higher up than I am, no less!"), and located his ID number and name in their records: Adalard von Staden. Seeming genuinely confused and dismayed ("He could always have been acting, I suppose"), he offered to help get Altermann in touch with SS-Totenkopfverbände authorities, but Altermann said he would follow up on his own. The officials at SS-TV headquarters gave him a pretty chilly reception once he made his mission clear, but a vow to go speak with von Staden's family ("I'm sure, should they find some information's been withheld from them, they'll request an audience with der Führer") made them waver. At last he was left waiting for a few hours ("I think they were hoping I'd just up and leave, unfortunately for them, I'm used to sitting and waiting") before an official returned to fill him in on what they'd found. "You should have heard them then," Altermann says with obvious disgust, "that obsequious bureaucratic language! Such an egregious mistake and all that nonsense! If true then they have no idea how it happened and it'll never happen again! The nerve of hinting I was making it all up, Herr Vischer, I've dealt with plenty of government nonsense but I don't think I've ever been so angry." He adds that the SS promised to investigate further and, if a wrong had actually been committed, set it right. Altermann renewed his vow to contact von Staden's family if they dragged their feet--"Perhaps I'll reach out to der Reichsführer as well"--and left before he could wear out his welcome, and that was where things now stood. "I guess now we wait," he sighs, "and pray that Herr von Staden can hold on till then, as well."

Things start happening within days. Vischer and Altermann aren't sure whether it's the threat of contacting higher-ups, or genuine guilt that motivates the SS-TV to act--or maybe a warning nudge from the Allgemeine-SS to get a move on--but they locate the proper documentation that indeed shows von Staden was sent to the camp without a proper trial, and no one can even locate a witness or complainant against him; his superiors in the Wehrmacht questioned him yet never alleged any improper behavior. If anything, it looks like the allegations started with the SS itself, though of course nobody comes right out and admits anything. The commandant orders von Staden sent from work to the medical infirmary to be examined and treated for any health issues, then to the showers to wash up, then put back in uniform and shuttled out of the camp and to his parents, who embrace and cry over him before taking him home, utterly bewildered. And then the incident is pretty much swept back under the rug as if it never happened. Vischer and Altermann are both steamed over this, but Altermann admits that it was always basically ensured there would never be any punishment: "They're the SS, who's going to hold them responsible?--themselves?" He says they should try to be content that a wrong has been righted and von Staden is back where he belongs. As for his debt, "This may have been a lot of work, Herr Vischer, yet at the end of the day I was hardly in any danger, the lack of evidence was so overwhelming I hardly had to lift a finger to show this imprisonment was a sham. I'm afraid you're still stuck with me for now."

Time passes, Altermann still visiting Vischer every couple of days or so. The two of them are perplexed one evening when a soft knock comes at the back door. Vischer tells Altermann to wait while he checks, though he feels uneasy--visitors usually come to the front door. And indeed, he nearly starts when he opens it to peer out and finds Silver and several others from his company waiting there. "What are you doing here--?" he demands under his breath, "--I'm not alone!" Altermann's car is parked out front, and the Rats have never dropped in while he's there. He assumes they've just missed seeing the car and this is some kind of monumental mistake, though the look on Silver's face shows he had every intention of coming today no matter what. Before he can speak, his eyes shift to look at something behind Vischer--neck prickling, Vischer turns to look as well, and there's Altermann, staring back at them. "Herr Vischer...?" he says in obvious confusion; Vischer finds that he's lost his voice. "I figured you'd already told him about us," Silver says without the least hint of surprise, and gestures; Vischer has to step aside as the Rats enter, shutting the door behind them. "Hauptmann Altermann--? Sprechen Sie Englisch?" Silver says; Altermann furrows his brow but nods--"Can you read it?"--another nod--and Silver pulls out an envelope and holds it out to him. Altermann and Vischer share a look, then Altermann takes the envelope and opens it. Silver turns to Vischer.

Silver: "While you've been busy with other things we've had our ear to the ground. I take it from your reactions you haven't gotten the news yet."

Vischer: "What news? And why do you insist on endangering me like this?"

Silver: "I doubt you're in much danger just yet. We traced back the false information you gave out."

Vischer: *furrowing brow* "You--? How did you get hold of it?"

Silver: "I said we've been listening around. Rumors spread. We have yet to pinpoint a specific name but so far, the information's passing around among higher-ups in the Wehrmacht."

Vischer: "The Wehrmacht? Not the SS?"

Silver: "They're involved, but they aren't the primary parties."

Vischer: "But I've never been in the Wehrmacht. The SS are the ones who have a file on me. And surely I've just angered them even further with this von Staden business."

Silver: "Trust me, the SS already has far more than enough intel to put you in a camp if they really wished. They don't need any further justification. It's not you they're interested in."

Vischer: *confused* "Not me--? If not me, then who--?"

Altermann: "Me." *Vischer looks at him* "I'm the one they're interested in."

Altermann is still reading the papers Silver gave him, and looks utterly dismayed. "You...?" Vischer says, to which he replies, "I actually convinced myself I wasn't nearly important enough to catch their interest...but it's me they've been after all along. They put those devices in your house to listen in on me, not you. They just used you to get to me." "Then..." says Vischer, feeling his heart sucking in, "...then that means I led them right to you." Altermann immediately tries to put him at ease--"Herr Vischer, don't think for even one moment that you're to blame for this," yet to Vischer it's pretty obvious he is. Now, as for WHY the Wehrmacht, and by extension the SS, are interested in Altermann...this is a plot point that needs tweaking yet. I'm pretty sure it relates to Altermann's secret, the real reason he feels so much that he owes Vischer (more accurately, probably anybody) a debt; seeing as Altermann hasn't shared with me what this secret is just yet, I thus don't know why the authorities are so interested in collecting info on him that they're willing, so far, to let Vischer slide. The revelation about von Staden definitely helps draw even further scrutiny, yet it isn't the primary target of the Wehrmacht's focus. Altermann is the "big fish" they want.

Silver vows that the Rats will keep listening for further info. Vischer is crushed; no amount of reassurance from Altermann that he's not to blame helps. There's little they can do about it yet, though, so for the most part they have to just sit tight while keeping their ears open for further word. They receive another visitor one day--surprisingly, von Staden--who very quietly and tentatively addresses Vischer with, "You are the one who got me out of that place." Vischer clarifies that Altermann did most of the work; "Danke sehr to you both, then," von Staden says; "I feel I owe you a debt," at which Altermann and Vischer protest vehemently that this isn't necessary. Vischer notices how tightly he clutches his garrison cap in his hands, his very slight tremor, the way he keeps his head somewhat down, and especially the glassy look in his eyes, and feels an uncomfortable pang on recognizing himself; he invites the corporal inside. Von Staden politely refuses, though he does seem to relax just a little bit when Altermann retreats; Vischer guesses that interacting with superiors in uniform makes him anxious now. After they talk a little, he hesitantly asks, "Does it ever go away...?" Even without asking what "it" is, Vischer knows exactly what he's asking.

Vischer: *pause* "I'll be honest...it might fade, but it never really goes away. There's a reason I stay here in this house and still don't go out much."

Von Staden: *haltingly* "It just...I can't stop feeling this..." *trails off*

Vischer: *waits* "...Fear?"

Von Staden: "...Rage." *clutches cap tighter* "I don't like being this person. I don't know what to do with so much anger. Is this normal?"

Vischer: "I believe what you're feeling is normal, considering what they put you through. Anyone would be angry."

Von Staden: *takes in & lets out a breath, loosens his grasp a little* "And you say it gets a little bit easier over time?...I won't always be this person?"

Vischer: "I'm not going to give you false hope, Herr von Staden. You'll always be this person. It might get easier, it might not. But you can learn how to cope with it. You can choose what you do with it. They can't take that away from you anymore."

Von Staden thanks Vischer again--"You didn't fix my problem...but it helps, a little bit"--and starts to leave, though Altermann reappears and requests a word in private; Vischer retreats this time, and after Altermann and von Staden exchange a few words, the corporal nods and departs.

Toward the end of the story, things come to a head, and I'm assuming officials decide to make their move not just on Altermann but on Vischer as well. Altermann is tipped off to something about to happen and shows up at Vischer's place to warn him, though the warning comes too late for them to escape, and officials arrive with the intent not to take them into custody but to finish them off--with the country descending into chaos, nobody in a position to do anything about it will much notice a couple more extrajudicial killings. Altermann puts himself between Vischer and the advancing soldiers, insisting that he still owes his debt and "I'm the reason you're in this mess, anyway," despite Vischer's own insistence that he's the one who helped get Altermann in trouble. Result, as soon as the soldiers hired to kill them break into where they've barricaded themselves, Altermann is hit, though he does shoot their attackers first. He manages to spare Vischer from getting killed but is too badly wounded to fend off the next soldier who rushes in; all he gets to do is shout for Vischer to get running as well. Vischer hesitates--he knows if he runs, Altermann will be killed instead--yet just as the gunman enters, spots them, and raises his weapon--something slams into him, knocking him to the floor. Vischer watches dumbfounded as von Staden grasps the other soldier by the collar and bangs his head against the floor repeatedly, snarling the entire time and not letting up until he's no longer moving.

Once they've ascertained that nobody else is in the house yet surely more are on their way, Vischer takes a moment to gather a few items, hurry outside to the patio, fire a flare into the sky, then hurry back in. He and von Staden half-drag, half-carry the badly wounded Altermann into another room where they barricade themselves in again; von Staden stations himself nearest the doors, saying, "I can try to hold them off, but I'm only one." Still, he insists on trying his best. Vischer is left tending to Altermann's wound with the few medical supplies he grabbed. He asks what von Staden is doing there and what is going on. Altermann says that as soon as he was sure the officials were going to make their move, he headed to Vischer's house to try to protect him, but not before calling von Staden's home and requesting him to come out, too. The last time they met, he spoke privately to von Staden, telling him that if he truly felt he owed them a debt--"I do," von Staden had confirmed--then he could make himself available when Altermann might have need of a favor: "I don't have anything in mind just yet, but there might come a time when I need your help, and need to know how to most quickly contact you." Von Staden had replied that during the day he could contact his supervising officer--though still going on occasional missions, he'd been mostly working at a desk since returning to the Wehrmacht--whereas after hours he could be reached at his parents' house. He promised to come, no matter why Altermann might call him. And now here they all are.

Von Staden reports that he can hear others coming: "I'm pretty sure I can handle a few, but not all of them." Altermann suggests they go out the window and leave him, yet Vischer and von Staden both refuse; likewise, when von Staden suggests Vischer try to get Altermann out of there while he fends off the others, they refuse. Vischer protests most loudly when the other two say he should go. It's obvious that whatever happens, they're all going down together. Vischer fetches his rifle and stations himself beside Altermann while von Staden crouches near the door. A moment later, the door starts shaking as somebody starts ramming against it. "Get ready," von Staden says--when the window behind the other two shatters just as the door bursts in as well. Von Staden promptly starts shooting into the hall; Vischer manages to fire at the soldier coming in the window, but his rifle jams before he can get the next one. "My gun! My gun!" Altermann shouts; Vischer makes a grab for his pistol when Altermann lets out a startled yell and recoils--Vischer looks back up in time to see the soldier who'd just climbed in jerk back, gargling, head twisting at an impossible angle. He topples forward and hits the floor, hard. Vischer blinks--Silver is in the window now instead, and he drops in, pulls his own pistol and fires. Von Staden flinches a little but then apparently shrugs off his confusion when a handful of Trench Rats rather than German soldiers drop through the window and start fighting off those coming through the door--right in time, as von Staden's run out of rounds and was about to use his bare hands. Vischer, unprompted, grabs Altermann and starts trying to pull him to his feet when one of the soldiers who'd been shot pushes himself up, wheezing, and lifts his gun--only for von Staden to fall upon him and slam his head into the floor just like before, screaming with rage. Altermann yelps--Reseda pulls him up, and Vischer hurries to help--they struggle to get back out the window, where more of the Rats are waiting to receive them. "Von Staden!" Vischer shouts, and von Staden drops the limp soldier and hurries after them. He and Altermann seem perplexed by the Trench Rats' presence but there's no time to explain; they rush off together while the other Rats continue firing on the remaining soldiers.

They take shelter in the nearby woods, where Vischer knew the Rats were most likely to be concealed when he set off the flare. As everyone regroups, he breathlessly explains that he's the one who signaled for them. Altermann and especially von Staden are uneasy about this, though Altermann says he's already on the Nazis' hit list, and as for von Staden, "What real difference does it make?--they think I'm a traitor already anyway!" he says sourly. It's now Altermann's and Vischer's turn to be surprised when they learn that, following his release, von Staden was recruited by his own sister--to quietly fight back against the Nazis. He's been sabotaging their efforts ever since: "I love my Fatherland, but I hate this garbage that's taken it over. They want to punish me for something I never did, I may as well go through with it." Witnessing conditions in the camps firsthand, and contrasting that with the sanitized stories passed along to the outside, only strengthened his decision to turn on the Reich: "I didn't do anything to belong in there," he says, "and neither did anyone else." Despite this, both he and Altermann still consider themselves faithful to Germany, and are reluctant to go with the Trench Rats; Silver suggests they be treated as prisoners of war. Von Staden bristles at the idea but Vischer calms him down with the guarantee that the Americans will definitely treat them better than the SS did. Although still skeptical, Altermann and von Staden take Vischer at his word, and the three accompany the Rats back to their Headquarters.

Vischer, Altermann, and von Staden are kept relatively safe in Trench Rat custody; Altermann is taken to the medical ward for treatment, and while there, von Staden volunteers to help out, saying he has basic medical training and wishes to be useful. Nurse Lyndsey Skye replies that they're short a set of hands (Indigo Rat), so, scrub in, and von Staden does so and starts assisting with the other wounded. Burgundy Rat tends to Altermann's wound; he's weak and has lost a lot of blood but should make it. Vischer is allowed to see him afterward and, relieved, says, "I believe our debt is settled now." They determine that von Staden's debt is settled as well, as Altermann saved Vischer, and von Staden saved them both. "It feels a little bit odd now that it's over," Altermann muses groggily, "rather saddening, really, and...anticlimactic?" He adds that he still feels like he owes Vischer, and when he returns from his duties, von Staden says the same. "Maybe we'll just always feel like we owe," he suggests, "like nothing we do will ever be enough." It's a sobering realization, yet one they figure they have to accept. "Well, it's not like it's the end of everything," Altermann says; "we'll still keep in touch, of course, ja?" Vischer and von Staden both agree...as odd as it is, the three of them consider themselves good friends by now, and the fall of the Reich shouldn't spell the end of that as well.

Von Staden is informed by the Rats that they have his sister in custody; a group of resistance members has been brought in for questioning in case any Nazis are attempting to hide among them, and Mahogany Rat recognized the name von Staden--the sullen young woman lit up immediately when Adalard was mentioned, and asked to see him. Brother and sister are reunited at Trench Rat Headquarters, hugging and kissing foreheads repeatedly. Von Staden admonishes his sister for having taken shelter among the other resistance members--"Have you any idea the danger you put yourself in?"--which she throws right back in his face--"Take a look at you, you're a prisoner of war! Again!" Still, they're tearful and obviously relieved to see each other still alive; Mahogany tells them, when they ask, that they don't know the fate of their parents just yet, but will let them know if they're found. "We have each other till then," von Staden says. His sister asks the Rats if she can stay with him and is allowed to do so.

Vischer decides to stay with Altermann until he recovers, becoming his shadow the way Altermann was once his (granted, he kind of has to stick around the captain, as he risks suffering a panic attack should he leave his company for too long). The Trench Rats keep them in custody as everything is settled following the war's end; it's bittersweet to the three to be on the losing side, yet each had disapproved of the regime in his own way, so the collapse of the Third Reich itself is no real loss. What is to become of them afterwards is more of a concern; Vischer's freedom is pretty much guaranteed (he wasn't in military service, and remained largely neutral), though the fate of Altermann and von Staden, being former members of the Wehrmacht, is rather up in the air. The Wehrmacht is dissolved and Germany is stripped of its military, leaving both of them without any position; von Staden is quickly cleared of the need for denazification due to his resistance efforts, and has no interest in further military service, so returns to the family estate with his sister. (Their parents are another issue.)

This leaves Altermann, who, while he did help both Vischer and von Staden, didn't technically assist in the resistance, and essentially remained faithful to the Heer until the end. He resigns himself to having to face a military tribunal and possible prison sentence. Vischer and von Staden both vehemently speak up on his behalf, however; and questioning other prisoners and rescuees, including the labor camp commandant and several of Altermann's former coworkers, just confirms that while he was loyal to the army, he can't be proven to have participated in any overtly criminal activities, plus he gave plenty of signs of undermining the Reich whenever possible: "Were it up to me, meine Herren, I'd've had him hanged the moment he left my camp," mutters the commandant, facing a death sentence himself. The Trench Rats provide their own documentation verifying all this, and the Allies decide to focus their attention on bigger fish, so Altermann is let go without a trial. He's surprised to escape any consequences, though Vischer isn't: "Is it really so difficult for you to believe you're a decent man?" "Ja, well..." Altermann replies with a shrug, "...so are you, though I know it'll take far more than me telling you for you to believe it."

I'm not sure if Altermann joins the Bundeswehr when it forms later on, though I think he does, as unlike the other two, he likes the daily grind of bureaucracy. Vischer returns home and Altermann keeps his promise of visiting often. Von Staden stops by to speak with Vischer as well, asking if it would be all right for him to visit every so often just to talk; he explains that Vischer's words have helped him somewhat, and he would like for them to remain in touch: "Maybe I presume, but I like to hope we are friends." Touched, Vischer replies that von Staden is welcome to visit whenever he wishes; he'll always have time to talk to him. Reseda says goodbye, heartbroken by Silver's disappearance at the end of the war; Vischer gives him a brief embrace and tells him to look after himself: "I hope you find peace with yourself someday," he murmurs before the Trench Rat departs for the United States.

Vischer watches from afar as Germany is divided among the Allies; eventually Altermann convinces him to accompany him west, as the Soviets are taking over this area and Altermann suspects they'll be safer elsewhere, especially since he hopes to return to the military. Vischer hates to leave his beloved home, but, knowing the land is likely to be seized and divided as well--it helps that the von Stadens have also decided to head out--he takes his friend's advice, and relocates to a country home in the west. Although it's far from perfect and isn't quite the outcome he'd hoped for, he remains in touch with the people who matter, and is relatively content.

[Vischer 2023 [‎Friday, ‎July ‎28, ‎2023, ‏‎2:00:54 AM]]

#artists on tumblr #ibisPaint x #SketchDaily #original characters

[kerra-and-company]

Please say something for Tanza!!! The prompt, but i also wanna know more about her 😂

Asdfalsdfadsf all righty! :D Thanks for the prompt @i-mybrunettelady!

So, I have a fic for the prompt under the cut, but first, let’s do some headcanons (see my intro post for Tanza here). Spoilers below, mainly for the Icebrood Saga:

- When she was about five years old, Tanza learned about ice cream for the first time, but she had no idea how it was made. Their mother Berit nearly died laughing when she came back from a hunt to find the kodan Claw gravely accepting a cup of literal ice from her child, who was excitedly telling him all they’d learned about ice cream and how much they hoped he’d like it.

- Her revenant abilities manifest as very light blue lightning instead of red. 

- The diamond marking on their chest (which most don’t see, as it’s hidden by her armor) comes from a botched Svanir ritual done on them as a baby. It was intended to produce a new champion for Jormag, but it only succeeded in embedding a small amount of their power into the intended host. When it failed, the Svanir who’d conducted the ritual couldn’t kill baby Tanza (a very tiny amount of a moral compass there), but she was a failure, and so they left her somewhere they were certain she’d die. Tanza doesn’t know about any of this, and they only figure out that they’re at all connected to Jormag in the later parts of the Icebrood Saga. She does not care for this whatsoever.

- In a world where Owl never sacrificed herself to stop Jormag, Tanza would never have joined the Vigil. They’d have become a havroun instead.

- She is pretty high up on the list of people who hate Ryland (which just keeps getting longer). There are a few reasons for this, but one of them is detailed in the fic below. The other big one is for what he does right after this.

Warnings: outside of Icebrood spoilers, pretty much nothing--shock, maybe?

They stared. They couldn’t stop staring. The Claw called their party to a halt, and the entire group took in their surroundings: a set of five ice blocks, each containing a single figure.

“Commander.” Tanza’s voice was coming out all wrong. It was too deep and too high-pitched at the same time. “What…have you seen this before?”

“In Lake Doric,” Kerra said, pain and anger evident in her tone. “But it was more widespread. Entire villages were Frozen. This…it looks like Ryland just Froze whoever tried to follow him.”

“Wait, whoever—” Tanza started.

A gold glint caught her eye, and she paused.

It was a small, worn pin in the shape of an owl, standing out starkly against the snow. The clasp was broken.

They’d found it when searching the Abattoir, years ago. They’d taken it with them after asking for permission, and they’d worn it until the day they left home.

She’d left it with her mothers.

Almost against her will, her eyes leapt up to scan the faces of the Frozen.

The farthest left—hazel eyes, freckles, hands scarred from fight after fight. Next to her—dark hair, dual swords, stars tattooed on her cheekbones.

“No.” Quiet, fierce.

They weren’t aware of stepping forward, but they felt themself moving.

“Lieutenant!” The Commander.

“Tanza!” Minei.

“Mom. Mama. Please say something,” Tanza whispered, reaching out a hand to touch the ice.

The mesmer, Kasmeer, got there first. She grabbed Tanza’s wrist just in time. It snapped them back to reality, and they shrugged off her grip, their hand dropping to their side. They wheeled around to face the Commander.

“Can we get them out?” she demanded.

“I’m sorry,” Kerra said, her face twisted like she’d just been stabbed. “We don’t know how, yet. But they’re not dead. I promise you that.”

Tanza made a noise deep in her throat. “Ryland Steelcatcher will pay for this. I’m going to kill him.”

Simultaneously, the Commander and Kasmeer said, “Get in line.” They looked at each other, and the Commander huffed out a dry laugh.

As Tanza reached down to pick up the pin, Kerra’s communicator crackled to life. “Commander?” Braham Eirsson. “Getting close to Song of Exile.”

“We’ll meet you on the way, Braham,” Kerra said. “Are you ready to go, Lieutenant?”

Tanza was not ready. Their head had started to hurt. Their heart was sore. They didn’t want to leave, but at the same time, they felt a pull from Owl to keep going, to move forward. She was needed.

And like hell she was leaving the group to face Jormag’s champion on their own.

In the end, all they could do was pin the owl to their jacket and say yes.

#gw2 #my fics #tanza mjallkin #kerralind #i-mybrunettelady #I have so many more thoughts on tanza #but these are a few #icebrood saga spoilers #icebrood saga #Ryland and Jormag are responsible for encasing her parents in ice #attacking what was basically her second home as a child #and killing the Spirit that she's followed for years #they *really* want them both dead #berit is the dark-haired one with dual swords #their other mom's name is helle #and I have thoughts on the two of them too #I have so many 'side' characters and not enough character slots to make them all #it's a travesty really

[oakmoon21-blog]

One day I’ll learn how to draw women. One day.

#Berit Ennis #sky marshal #art #my art #My character #sketch #doodle #not very well planned #so it should be considered a doodle

[gnomeofinvention]

The Strand Household

Social class: Peasant

Occupation: Miner

Character biography and lot screenshots below the cut.

Mervyn Strand

Traits and LTW: Good Sense of Humor, Socially Awkward, Loser, Loves the Cold, Animal Lover; Renaissance Sim

Mervyn hails from Crafthole. He's the youngest son in a family of miners and grew up in the same village as Carl Hofstad. In fact, the two were romantic rivals for a short time when they both fell in love with the same woman, Berit. But she chose Carl over him, and while he's gotten over that, he's no longer very confident when pursuing romantic relationships. He's much more comfortable with animals than he is with people.

All Mervyn wants is to work hard and live an honest life, and it wouldn't hurt if things turned out in his favor for once.

#the sims 3 #the sims 3 medieval #ts3 #ts3 medieval #sims 3 medieval ts3 historical #sims 3 screenshots #medieval charter challenge #ravenwood mcc #strand household #mervyn strand

[ssss-character-smackdown]

SSSS Character Smackdown - All in the Family

Sigríður Jónsdóttir - loves her family very much, has undergone 4 Dagrenning pregnancies (and a surprise 5th natural baby!) to build that family - she became just a trifle concerned when her youngest ran away from home

OR

Berit Eide - the grandma Aksel Eide sent Gunnar away to fetch, and it's a good thing too, because her experience proved invaluable to establishing Norway's troll hunters

#stand still stay silent #sssscomic #ssss character smackdown #berit eide #reynir's mum

[aion-rsa]

DJ Skee Partners with eBay for Post Malone Inspired Exclusive Cards

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

This article is part of our Collector’s Digest editorial series powered by: 

If you’ve been looking for a reason to make the return to in-person conventions this fall, eBay, DJ Skee, and Gen Con just might have what you’ve been waiting for.

One of the most popular places to buy and sell rare TCG cards online, eBay is bringing a slew of merchandise and rare items to their booth at Gen Con, along with an exclusive collaboration with DJ Skee.

During the event, eBay will be showcasing multiple rare, high-value Magic: the Gathering and Yu-Gi-Oh! cards at their booth, with an online auction for the cards running concurrently. A charity auction of Flesh and Blood items through the founder of FAB James White will also be held at their booth, with all proceeds benefiting St. Jude’s Children Hospital.

On Sept. 17, eBay will also be hosting a signing for well-known Magic: the Gathering artist Aaron Miller. Miller will be signing custom playmats that eBay will be giving away for free.

Rare card auctions and artist signings are cool, but the best part about conventions is exclusive merchandise. For Gen Con 2021, eBay is teaming up with music industry titan DJ Skee to give out just under 2,000 MTG and Pokémon style cards remixed with a Post Malone theme.

DJ Skee and eBay have designed four custom cards: two inspired by Pokémon and two inspired by Magic: the Gathering. Each set will have a base card numbered out of 999 and a rare card numbered out of 99 and will be foiled on 130pt card stock in a 1 touch case. Each card will also feature a QR code on the back linking to a curated Post Malone Spotify playlist from DJ Skee.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

The Pokémon cards (cleverly titled “Postémon”) feature a Post Malone-inspired character in the style of the classic Pokémon anime. Those lucky enough to get their hands on the card’s rare version will be treated to a full art “Postémon TX.” While neither card is playable in the real Pokémon TCG, fans of Malone will be treated to a slew of references to Posty’s career that will surely bring a smile to their faces.

DJ Skee’s take on MTG cards might feature fewer references to Post Malone’s career, but the base card features a cool gimmick: it’s technically playable. Inspired by the “Hollywood is Dead” album “Hollywood’s Bleeding” album, “Zombie Post,” is a Zombie token proxy card that is ready to be sleeved and put in your deck. After all, there’s no better way to impress an enemy than with a card that has less than 1,000 copies in circulation.

The rare MTG in the set, titled “Posty Ri Berit,” is a play on the Commander card “Merieke Ri Berit” which Post Malone recently used to win Game Knights on YouTube and claims is his favorite card to use. While this one isn’t playable, its art, references, and rarity are enough to make it a coveted piece for any collector. eBay will only be handing out one random card per person at the event, but those looking to get a whole set will be able to buy, sell, or trade the cards at the event. Anyone lucky enough to get all four cards will notice that the four backs combine to produce a single image with a Black Lotus in the middle.

“I’m excited to launch my first TCG drop and blend cultures together with music, art, games, and cards,” DJ Skee said. “eBay has empowered me to organically bring this project to life at the biggest event in the space and give back to the community.”

DJ Skee is a prevalent producer in the music industry that has generated over four billion views and has a network of over two million followers. He is best known for introducing the world to artists including Kendrick Lamar, Lady Gaga, Post Malone, Travis Scott, and more, and has produced for legendary artists such as Michael Jackson and Snoop Dogg.

DJ Skee is no stranger to the world of nerd culture, having produced music for video games such as Halo and Ghost Recon. He is also an owner of Cards & Coffee in Hollywood and runs the collectible alternative asset fund, Mint10.

Gen Con is the largest tabletop gaming convention in North America, pulling in numbers close to 70,000 pre-pandemic. Gen Con puts a highlight on the best and brightest games on the market and is considered by many to be the biggest event in tabletop and CCG gaming each year.

Last year, Gen Con pivoted the convention online due to the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic. This year, it’ll be a hybrid in-person event in Indianapolis, with an online component for fans at home. Fans eager to return to the event will be spoiled for choice as Gen Con 2021 will feature over 350 exhibitors, 31 artists, and 23 authors.

The post DJ Skee Partners with eBay for Post Malone Inspired Exclusive Cards appeared first on Den of Geek.

from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3ltBHKx

#aion-rsa #Den of Geek

[marje]

Queering Motion Graphics

video essay

Tutor: Else Lagerspetz

1920×1080 px

8 min 28s

Queering Motion Graphics is a series of black and white video notes that question normatives in the field of motion graphics from a queer perspective. It showcases six components – frame, framerate, kinetic typography, eased motion, motion hierarchy, and character walk cycles – that can be taken into account when analyzing motion graphics projects. Some of the questions that the project inquiries are, “Why must the video be in a rectangular frame? What is an odd motion? How does the video feel in the eyes and the body of the viewer?”

Besides charting some seldomly asked questions about the field Queering Motion Graphics also celebrates the unappreciated and the overlooked parts of video and animation creation.

Queering Motion Graphics is available on Youtube and Vimeo video platforms.

Special thanks to Berit Silvia Kondratjev for voguing choreography

Kuidas õppida kväärilt animeerima? on Müürileht

Queering Motion Graphics on Tase’21

#graphic design #motion graphics #queer design #ba thesis #Youtube

[geminicollisionworks]

With nothing much else to post at the moment, Berit has suggested that I share some tracks from maybe the biggest influence on Life With Althaar with "the yutes."

The Firesign Theatre was a surreal comedy group -- composed of Phil Austin, Peter Bergman, David Ossman, and Philip Proctor -- that worked in audio, from 1966 to 2012, on radio in a mostly-improvisational form, and on LP and CD (and occasionally stage, film, and video) in a densely scripted and layered series of landmark audio works combining high and low comedy, poetry, literature, music, philosophy, metaphysics, theatre, surrealism, absurdism, and social commentary into a thick audio stew.

I've been listening to their albums for literally all 54 years of my life, and my voice (physical and creative) owes everything to them (probably all 75 voices I've performed on Althaar could be directly traced back to one of the Firesigns, if not deliberately imitating some other famous person).

While our show is more plot and character-driven and less abstract than most of their work, I think the influence is apparent, both in audio production and in a kind of philosophy of sonic comedy.

So I'll be sharing some of their work here over the next week, hoping to keep it alive in the Future. No problem if it's not your bag -- there are plenty of dated references, and some of the dialect voices verge on (or cross into) the problematic -- but maybe someone out there catches the bug.

Here is the title track from their first album, Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him, from 1968, originally all of side 2 of the LP. It's a simple start from them, getting to know the capabilities and limits of a real recording studio (only 4 tracks!), but it's pure Firesign.

(and yes, I chose to make one of the opening scenes of Althaar's first episode a Customs check in homage to this piece...)

The Wikipedia article on The Firesign Theatre is a detailed and accurate history if you want to know more.

When meeting the Firesigns at a signing in 1993, I mentioned to David Ossman their huge influence on me and he asked, "What do you do? Comedy?" And I replied, "No, I'm in Audio" (which was my job at the time). And he slammed his signing pen down and said:

"You see! People are always asking me 'where are the comedians influenced by Firesign these days? why does no one do comedy like you anymore?' And I always tell them, the people influenced by us didn't go into Comedy, they went into Audio! That was our real influence!"

And so, 30 years on from that, I find myself winding up doing both.

Hope you enjoy the all-nite images.

#the firesign theatre #four or five crazee guys #audio comedy #1968 #waiting for the electrician or someone like him #life with althaar #influences #Youtube

[maddie-grove]

Little Book Review: The Minstrel’s Tale

Author: Berit I Haahr.

Publication Date: 2000.

Genre: Historical YA (medieval).

Premise: Judith of Nesscliffe, the thirteen-year-old daughter of a baron in early fourteenth-century England, excels at playing music, but there’s little opportunity for a girl of her time and class to exhibit such skills. She’s more or less resigned to early marriage and motherhood, until the boorishness of her future husband and some helpful hints from a wandering musician inspire her to fake her own death, disguise herself as a boy, and run away to train as one of the king’s minstrels. Can she survive bandits, a Twelfth Night situation, borderline illiteracy, minstrel school bullies, and the looming specter of puberty? Was Gone Girl-ing herself even worth it?

Thoughts: I first read this novel in fifth or sixth grade, and I found it absolutely delightful back then. Judith’s adventures on the road were compelling, and I enjoyed her fraught attempts to perform upper-class medieval boyhood. Alas, this time around, I wasn’t as impressed. First, although Haahr clearly did the research on the musical aspects of the story, the rest of it feels very pop-history, like she went with her first assumptions about the time period and never looked further. (For example, I buy that Judith’s stepfather would marry her off at thirteen; I just don’t think she or other girls her age would be considered practically over the hill.) Even for a kid’s book, it’s a little amateurish. 

More important, the book’s attitudes towards women seem a lot more regressive than they did in 2000. Once Judith gets to the manor where the young minstrels are trained, she excels musically, but she otherwise has a miserable time. Her living conditions are austere, she struggles in academic subjects because a noble girl’s education is a lot different from a noble boy’s, and the other kids bully her. She needs an exit strategy, and she finds one when Robin, the good-looking minstrel who told her about the manor, lets her know he recognizes her and declares his loves for her. It works out great, because she already has a crush on him, plus he wants her to go on playing her music after they marry. I’m not sure exactly why this ending grates on me so much. I don’t think it would bother me if the book were more of a romance throughout, or if Judith seriously weighed her options within her circumscribed society (as in Karen Cushman’s Catherine, Called Birdy). There’s nothing wrong with a heroine wanting love and marriage on her own terms, and it’d be natural enough for Judith to decide that, while she loved music, she didn’t want all the bullshit that came with the profession. Instead, it’s like Judith goes, “oh, shit, I can’t do this because I’m bad at acting like a boy and my breasts are growing by the day, plus what I really want is the love of a good man.” It doesn’t feel very respectful towards Judith as a character.

I still liked many of the aspects of the book that I did as a kid, such as Judith’s colorful journey to the manor and her transformation from shy, obedient convent girl to wily, independent adventurer. It’s also genuinely interesting that disguising herself as a boy grants her a reprieve from straight-up sexism, yet exposes her to bullying based largely in toxic notions of what a man should be. (Her bullies are jealous that her musical talent wins her solos, but they’re also on her for being physically small, reserved, and ill-versed in “masculine” subjects.) The presentation just isn’t as thoughtful as it could be.

Hot Goodreads Take: A lot of people think the ending was too abrupt; one reviewer thinks it should’ve been a trilogy, which I agree with. Gary Blackwood’s Shakespeare Stealer trilogy would’ve been a good model.

#little book review #the minstrel's tale #berit i. haahr

[agentsokka]

Nott’s Conflicting Narratives

[[Spoilers for Campaign 2 up to Episode 75]]

Man. D’you ever get the need to talk about how much you love your favorite character? Because I am feeling PASSIONATE for a specific little goblin girl right now.

I love Nott. She’s the peanut butter to my jam, the sugar to my spice, the awkward green butterball mushing around in my heart. She’s my absolute FAVORITE character of the cast and one of my all-time favorite characters in general. So, of course, I feel the need to bend over backwards, snap my spine into a pretzel, and projectile vomit my absolute love for this woman all over your dashes.

In this piece, I wanted to talk about her personal growth over the story and how she’s evolved from what viewers believed was merely a skittish, oddball of a green powder monkey klepto into an equally odd but emotionally resonant mother desperate to reclaim her life and family.

In my opinion, Nott’s overarching story revolves around a mother attempting to recapture her personal narrative from a world that has tried to tear it away from her.

Let’s first establish Nott’s position as the “mother” of the Mighty Nein.

Time for a recap.

As we discover in episode 49, Nott is a little goblin girl, who was once a young halfling woman, who was once a halfling child. In her desperate dash to protect her family from goblin kidnappers, the halfling woman known as Veth Brenatto is recaptured and put to death. Her corpse is then reanimated into the flesh puppet goblin suit we know and love today. In this process, her skin, body, and even mind are reconstructed to be more goblin-esque – a situation which Veth vehemently despises. To put distance between herself and her former life, she renames herself “Nott the Brave,” an anagram of Veth Brenatto.

“They made me everything… that I thought I was. Not pretty…not good. Just not.”

This event is significant for a multitude of reasons, primarily of which revolve around Nott’s relationship with motherhood.

In her essay The Symbolic Annihilation of Mothers in Popular Culture, Berit Astrӧm (2015) observes that mother characters are routinely devalued in popular culture via what she terms “symbolic annihilation.” Gaye Tuchman (1978) originally coined the phrase to describe the way in which media trivializes, condemns, or outright excludes mothers, but Astrӧm extends it to include the removal of mothers from narratives entirely.

We’ve seen this play out time and time again: for example, how many times have we questioned “what happened to the mother” in Disney movies? Often, we see that their exclusions leave little impact on the story and characters, with many media franchises unceremoniously minimizing the mother’s very existence as if it held no more meaning than an ironically titled paperweight.

Now, how does this apply to Nott?

Nott’s character is an inversion of this trope. Although she is killed by the goblins as per the trope’s wont, the narrative does not revolve around her son or husband trying to cope with her loss. Instead, the narrative remains centered on she the mother as this little goblin girl punches a fist through the earth and screams NOT TODAY SATAN. Her story revolves around her identity as a mother, and it takes shape in a plethora of different ways.

Nott exhibits many atypical characteristics that are not commonly associated with the idealized form of “motherhood.” She’s loud, she’s boisterous, she’s mischievous. She’s self-admittedly “strange” and eccentric. She saw it suit to dump a pitcher of cucumbers and proceed to eat them off the ground. Absolutely no one can convince me that this a goblin-specific trait and not just Nott being her weird little self.

And yet, Nott exhibits many typically feminine/motherly traits as well. In spite of her vulgarities, she’s gentle and kind towards Caleb, and it takes some time for their relationship to evolve beyond that. She likes dresses! She likes feeling pretty even though the situation rarely allows her to be. She likes to collect buttons and baubles and cutesy trinkets. And most of all, Nott expresses love. Beau’s the first person in the group to say it to someone else, but Nott is the first of anyone to emphatically express her love for this ragtag group of misfits they’ve wrangled together.

“I know we have things to do, and I want to do them, but the reason I want to find these people and rescue them is not to use them, or not because we’ve invested time in them. But it’s because… I love them.”

Nott is very much “the Heart” of the Mighty Nein, in spite of her idiosyncrasies and eccentricities. In this sense, she views herself as their mother – not just as Caleb’s parental figure, but the entirety of the group. It’s not just a meme, with adoption papers scrawled across a series of barbeque-stained napkins in chicken scratch. Over time, she’s genuinely adopted the M9 as her own, welcoming them under her stubby wings. Nott has said as much several times, but most significantly in episode 76, when she told Caleb that she wanted to protect everyone on their own individual quests.

“I protected you so that you could go on your journey and find yourself and fulfill your quest. I feel like I’ve got to do that for everyone now because, I don’t know, deep down inside it feels like my quest might not be done till everyone else has figured out who they are and what they want in this world. Everyone’s seeking something, you know?”

This protection – this overwhelming need to shield, to safeguard, to provide security and aegis – is crucial to recognizing what Nott is as a parent. A protector. A defender. Nott firmly believes that protection is representative of parenthood, its indistinguishable mirror image.

How do I know this? Nott confirmed it word-for-word in episode 13, when she explained her relationship with Caleb to the rest of the M9.

“Caleb and I have a very special…relationship. And it’s that of a parent and a child. But I am the parent, you do understand that, correct? I protect him. He’s my boy, and I keep him safe. … It’s my job to protect him, because I love him, and I am his protector.”

Nott clearly associates parenthood with protection. She reiterates it again and again. If you fall under her protection, you are her child. It doesn’t matter how old you are, how strong you are, how quick you are – she will protect you to the very last inch of her life. And over the course of the campaign, many, many times over, she’s nearly given said life to ensure the protection of others. An early example is when Nott threw her body over Caleb’s to shield him from attack. In 45, she drew the blue dragon’s attack to save Jester, shaving her hit points down to 1.

Nott again establishes this in 76.

“So I feel like, I need to be there to protect you all. To rescue you when there’s a dragon about to kill you and use my body as a shield; or to pull Beauregard out of the mouth of a worm; or to catch you when someone falls with a feather fall spell.”

This is a fundamental aspect of her character, and explains the majority of her actions. Even though she’s anxious and scared, Nott powers through her fears to protect her loved ones at any cost necessary – with a few nips to soothe her nerves, of course.

And as sweet as this gremlin of a goblin is, she doesn’t extend her protection to everyone she meets – she’s self-sacrificial, but only to her proverbial children, after they’ve spent more than enough time becoming comfortable with one another. In episode 75, for example, Nott suggested that Reani was expendable and thus should go first when facing the dragon. She likes Reani, sure, but if it came down to her and the M9? The outsider would be the first to go.

This further lends itself to the idea that Nott perceives protection as parenthood, self-sacrifice as motherly duty – she’s not just a nice gal throwing down her life in order to ensure the welfare of others, but only for the select few she deems in need of her protection.

However, Nott isn’t just a mother, which comes to the crux of this post. For the majority of the campaign, Nott has primarily identified as a mother figure – to Luc, to Caleb, to the M9 at large. But over time, she’s steadily developed into wanting to be more than just a mother. At the very least, she’s expressed her desires more openly over the course of the show as time has gone on. This development intersects with her identity issues as Nott struggles to reconcile two conflicting lives.

Throughout her short life – and I do mean short, she’s only about 25 (I’m turning 25 this month and the extent to which this little goblin has pushed herself through sends me into anxiety just by association) – Nott’s life has followed a very, shall we say, standard route. She’s always been someone’s daughter – someone’s wife – someone’s mother. Veth Brenatto grew up the small town of Felderwin with very few expectations of their people beyond the usual sort, assuming that said small town followed real-world small-town culture. As such, Veth traversed domestic paths in life, not straying far from those expectations. In spite of her intelligence and capabilities, Veth remained a housewife essentially, assisting Yeza when need be and taking care of Luc. This narrative held steady for some time.

And everything changed when the Fire Nation goblins attacked.

Veth’s narrative as a mother, as a wife, as a little halfling from the little hovel hole of Felderwin, was abruptly disrupted when she became Nott. Her narrative was stolen from her, manipulated and perverted into something she deemed grotesque. Forced to co-exist with the tribe, Nott becomes the torturer’s assistant – the absolute antithesis to motherhood in the representative forebearer of violence, depravity, and death. Her desire to nurture and protect is met with oppression and bloodshed.  

It’s no wonder Nott detests the narrative the goblins thrust upon her. Her goblin exterior fundamentally represents a life forced upon her, a narrative chosen without her consent.

“I just don't like how I feel when I see my hands or my feet. They just feel wrong. I want to be different.”

“I'll be honest. I've started forgetting what it feels like to be a halfling, to be me. I don't remember everything any more. I feel like every day I'm more and more goblin. I don't like it at all. I don't like myself at all.”

“There's still something that's not right about this. This is not my body. It's just not me. And people liking you is nice, and people accepting you is nice. But if you feel wrong inside your own skin, then, well, you can't be a good mother or a good wife, or a good anything, really.”

Upon escaping, her narrative again changes: she’s no longer anyone’s assistant, but existing for herself. And only herself. Before she meets Caleb, she’s alone, unwanted by the populace at large and unable to return to Felderwin. She’s no longer a mother – just detested vermin looking to steal and connive, so people would believe.

That is partially why, in my opinion, she adopts Caleb as her own so quickly. Of course, Nott sees him as a means to an end in the beginning, as does he. They both admit that they had ‘other intentions’ in staying together than purely out of goodness of their hearts. However, it is evident that well before the campaign started, these two forged a bond that went beyond that of convenience. Nott fills the hole in her heart, the hole in her very narrative, by becoming Caleb’s adoptive mother, assisting him in his ventures and protecting him whenever need be. By doing this, she is able to choose for herself, to differentiate herself from the goblin’s narrative of pain and misery. She is no longer just “not,” she is Nott, Nott the Brave.

As was aforementioned, Nott’s motherhood narrative grows to include the rest of the M9. However, with time, she reaches a conflict within herself: while she hates being a goblin, she enjoys her new lifestyle. Is she afraid? She’s fucking petrified. Yet like the rest of the group, she’s fallen in love with adventuring, the highs and lows that demonstrate the extent of her capabilities. Nott isn’t just an assistant anymore – she can do magic! She can fight, she can pick locks, she can adapt firearms and create explosive weaponry. Hell, she can wield a crossbow with the dexterity of an Olympic gymnast and liquidate giant spiders into bloody pastes on the wall. With the M9, she’s seeing the world, far beyond the borders of Felderwin and her small-town life.

And suddenly, Veth’s narrative as a stay-at-home mom isn’t so appealing anymore.

Is there a problem inherent to existing as a housewife and full-time mother? No, of course not. Nevertheless, Nott has found herself in a strange position – she longs for her old life and family, ripped away from her by the gnarled claws of fate, yet remains enthralled by the wonders this new narrative can offer her.

In 36, Nott reveals to Cadeuceus that she believes the M9 could be representative of a new life for her – a new narrative.

“I’m not a religious lady, but I will tell you that, for me, this journey with the group has been a bit of a sign. … A sign that there could be, for all of us, another chapter.”

It’s a new chapter, a new narrative, a new life for Nott. One she could never have imagined possible for her in the confines of her small town. And by god, does she want to live it. Nott expressed this desire to live this life to its fullest, to live this new narrative to its fullest, in 27 after Molly’s death.

“Mollymauk was a rainbow man who represented life at its fullest. And. That’s what I want, even more than… even more than what we’re going for before. Together, we’re sort of living life now, aren’t we? And before, we were… in the darkness, so. … I want to find them so we don’t go back to the way it was, when we were hiding in the shadows and, and ducking into alleys to get away from people. We were safe, but we weren’t really alive, right? With these people, we’re having fun and winning contests. And. And killing bad guys, and rescuing children…it’s amazing.”

I’m of the opinion that Nott’s speech is reflective of both her experiences with Caleb as well as her own in Felderwin. She was living before – and she enjoyed it, yes! She obviously loves Yeza and Luc. But now, she’s seeing what life can be like when lived to its fullest, seeing what life can be like when she spearheads her own narrative. She gleans inspiration from Mollymauk, who decided to head his own narrative and remain unrepentantly unconcerned with what his past might have been like. With his death, Nott becomes convinced that she needs to truly lead this life, lead this newfound narrative with this family she’s amassed.

But with that realization comes conflict once the dredges of Nott’s previous life begin seeping into her narrative. This is especially once Nott reunites with Yeza in Xhorhas.

“Caleb, I’m feeling uneasy. … I, because. What the fuck am I doing here? I just was reunited with my husband, and I’ve – I -- we were given a chance to go on an adventure and I jumped at it like that. Am I a bad person? I just left him, I ditched my husband in a den of monsters to go adventuring with you.”

Rather than hold down the fort with her newly reunited husband, Nott instinctively leaps at the chance for adventure, the chance to go out and see more of the world. She doesn’t even think about it, it’s just oh? A side quest? Well fuck me rosy, time to knock my crossbow. Because that’s what Nott would do, not Veth. And once she realizes what she’s done, Nott begins wondering if she’s a terrible person for living her life. She begins questioning her intentions, wondering whether her actions are the ploy of some subconscious desire to remain free, remain independent of her responsibilities. 

“You don’t think I’m just…delaying the inevitable? Scared of going back to my old life, or anything?”

Nott further recognizes the disparity between her two lives and how wide the gulf between them yawns. 

“It’s just, I just don’t know like. Is he gonna…even like me anymore, I’m so different. Not just physically, I do different things now. … Will I like it? I’ve gotten a taste of adventure and, and seeing the world, and now I’ve gotta go back and be a…a housewife again?”

Nott doesn’t even know if she wants to be called Veth anymore. Not by people who have come into her life since Veth’s apparent demise. When Caleb asks her in 59, she dismisses the question and asserts that they should just go with Nott for now.

She asks Caleb to tell her what she should do, in a desperate plea for someone else to give her direction in life. Because driving your own narrative is hard. It’s a painful, painful process, full of ups and downs and mistakes and setbacks. But Caleb fundamentally cannot decide her narrative for her -- it’s Nott’s narrative, not his. He can help her along and support her, but he will never be able to direct it. She has to do it for herself. 

(As a side note: I love, love, love how far Nott and Caleb’s relationship has come. Prior to the Xhorhas arc, Nott never bothered him with her problems, drudging on ahead as she didn’t want to “distract” him from his personal quest. She’s exactly like a mother, masking her insecurities and fears from her young child so that they won’t worry about what they can’t control. And now, as her child has grown up and become more aware of his mother’s struggles, she’s leaning on him more and more for support. It truly mirrors parent-child relationships and is representative of how far these characters have grown over time.)

With these conversations, it becomes evident that Nott is seeking more than family, more than the life of a housewife. And yet, simultaneously, she embodies the narrative of a mother, loves being a mother, and loves the people in both her immediate and found families. To merge these narratives will be an almost insurmountable task, from her perspective -- how can you raise a family when you’re constantly adventuring? You can’t endanger their lives. Conversely, is it responsible of a parent to endanger their own life, potentially risking everything for adventure’s sake? To widow your husband and orphan your child if something goes horribly wrong? If she becomes a housewife again, how long can she keep up the charade pretending she’s a halfling? If she stays, will she forever remain uncomfortable in her own skin? How long will she even live? Nott is juggling so many plates, and dropping even one could result in the partial devastation of these narratives she’s cultivated.

And she’s scared. She’s really, really scared. Nott is petrified of what comes next -- she knows it’s inevitable that she’s going to have to face these conflicting narratives in the future. She knows she can’t ignore it forever. And that prospect terrifies her. She says this explicitly in episode 69.

“I'm just scared, that's all. I'm scared of...I'm scared of what happens next. You know? I don't know what's going to happen after this. I found my husband. I found my son. And I want to go back with them so much. ... But I'm worried that if I go back, that'll be it.”

This overwhelming, paralyzing sense of fear has driven Nott to drink. Even more so than usual. Over the course of the show, Nott has made no secret of her drinking habits. She’s a drunkard -- she knows it, the M9 knows it. You, me, and the NSA agent watching you behind the screen know it. But it’s no accident the M9 has begun commenting more and more on her habitual intoxication. She simply is more intoxicated than usual. She’s depending more and more on her alcoholism to get through each day.  

Nott is of course afraid of enemies, of secret dangers lurking behind every corner. She’s a perpetually anxious person, constantly filled with frenetic energy. But these anxieties have worsened ten-fold with the inclusion of her intersecting narratives and responsibilities. And honestly? With all that going on in her brain, Nott just flat out doesn’t want to think about it. She wants to live in the moment -- not in the past, not in the future, but the present.

“I'm thinking about things. And I don't want to think about things. I don't want to think about anything. I just want to be on an adventure with you guys and that's all I want and I don't want to think about anything else past that.” 

And so, she turns to drinking. As she tells Caleb, drinking is her own form of self-care. While she may protect others, she herself needs protection too -- from her own thoughts, fears, and inner demons. From the physical dangers that manifest in front of her very person. 

“I know you all have my back, I know you all care for me, but no one has my front. So this flask that I drink from, it’s not for fun, I’m not taking nips because I’m looking for fun. If I wanted fun I’d be in Nicodranus with my family. This flask is my shield. It allows me to do these things, to go forward and to protect all of you.”

Nott needs to shield herself from fears that she may not come back to her family. She needs to shield herself from fears that she won’t find a remedy to her situation, that she won’t ever be Veth again. She needs to shield herself from fears that these conflicting narratives will never reconcile, thereby isolating her from either family she’s come to love as her own. 

All in all, Nott is currently torn between two lives -- one whose existence is linked to traditional motherhood, and another whose fate is yet undecided. And yet, by continuing with the M9, Nott has found herself on the path towards potential self-realization. This route she treads has the potential to shed the narrative the goblins thrust upon her and totally make one anew, one that is her own. In that sense, it’s representative of what this narrative means as a whole: Nott is more than just a mother. She’s a mother with autonomy. A mother with hopes, dreams, and aspirations. Unlike Berit Astrӧm’s (2015) analysis of symbolic annihilation, she is more than just a paper cutout of idealized motherhood left to be abandoned.

Indeed, Nott can be a mother without being the mother archetype.

Nott will certainly struggle to reconcile these narratives. She loves being a mother, but she clearly wants to love herself too. She wants to be more than just a mother, and thus she quests to recapture her personal narrative -- one where she can be both a mother and retain her personal autonomy. 

I love the nuance and complexity Sam has demonstrated with this character, and I’m sure we’re only going to see more in the future.

#Critical Role #Nott #Nott the Brave

[flailingwingsart]

All colored! Finally done after picking away at it for so long. Strahd doesn’t stand a chance. ;)

Commission me!

#eg #commissions #curse of strahd #dungeons and dragons #maria #fin #berit #virian #jade #lureen #leo #color #party #tabletop character #full #color full