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#beru: we were already looking to buy this farm at luke's age
anakin-danvers · 4 years
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the most beautiful blue
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Luke Skywalker x fem!reader
Request: “Hello bb 😌🥰 I would like to request the prompts “why do you always think you have to do everything on your own?” and “I’ll walk you home.” with Luke Skywalker (baby Luke 🥺) please and thank you. Congrats on 100 followers! You really deserve it! 😘🤩” as requested by @acnini
Description: You’re used to doing things yourself, not liking to wait for others to help. It’s your way of dealing with the different feelings within you. But your feelings are soon put on full display before a certain Tatooine farm boy.  
Word Count: ~3.2k
Warnings: mentions of mom being sick, mention of father passing away, some angst, tiiiiiiiny bit of my attempt at some spicyness 🌶, lots of fluff. 
A/N: I’ve been wanting to write for Luke for so long so thank you Aileen for requesting for our baby Luke! Like you said, I love one (1) farm boy. I really like how it turned out, so I hope you all enjoy! I’m working on the other requests that have been sent in for my 100 follower celebration, so keep an eye out for those! Also, Aileen I’m happy I posted this today because you got your full time offer today!! Woo!! 🥳
P.S. Y/L/N means your last name :)
Tags: @acnini, @cherieboba, @obirain​, @thespareoom, @lazzwhile, @valkyriesandbrokenhalos, @royalhandmaidens
——
The first thing that greets you every morning is the same: heat. Unending, dry heat that you’re sure is the result of the twin suns that decorate Tatooine’s sky. This morning, it’s not different, the heat hitting you in a wave as you become aware of your surroundings. The second constant of every morning for you is the cough. Similar to the heat, it is dry and unending, violently shaking the body of it’s victim. And it’s the sole perpetrator of your final and heaviest constant of every morning: worry.  
Worry settles in you every morning, the frequency of it not making it any less heavy on your mind. Your mother is the sole family you have, and she’s sick, her health not improving as the days pass. Part of you wonders if it’s the rough conditions of Tatooine that prevent her recovery. 
Getting up from your bed, you walk over to your mom’s room. She’s sitting up on her bed, hand over her mouth and she coughs once, twice, three times. Her eyes meet yours as you enter, and she tries her best to give you a comforting smile. 
“Good morning, love,” she greets. 
“Good morning, mom. How are you feeling?” You’re next to her at this point, your hand extended to help her get up. 
“Ah, well same as always. Not better, but not worse, thank the stars.”
That‘s the thing about your mom, she always looks at the bright side. It helps you in a way, but never works to fully take away your worry. 
“Here, let me help you to the kitchen so we can eat some breakfast,” you say. She takes a hold of your hand to get up, then let’s go. 
“I’m okay to walk, Y/N. Like I said, I’m not feeling worse today.” She smiles at you to get her point across, and you nod at her before walking to the kitchen. 
Once there, you grab some haroun bread, hubba gourd preserves, and blue milk. You set them all on the table, along with two plates and two cups. Right as you take your seat, your mom walks into the kitchen, taking a seat on the chair across from you. 
“Thank you, love.”
“Of course.”
The two of you dig into your respective breakfasts. You notice the hubba gourd preserves are running low, and make a mental note to make some more. 
“One of the vaporators seems to be acting up,” she says. “I’ll check it out and see if I have to fix it after breakfast.”
Quickly, you shake your head. “That’s alright, I can handle it.”
“Y/N...”
You interrupt her before she has a chance to protest. 
“Mom, it’s fine. I’m headed to the market today anyways. It’d be good to check on the vaporators beforehand to know if I need any supplies to fix them.”
Your mom sighs, shaking her head lightly. She knows you’ve made up your mind on the matter. “Well, let me at least ask Beru to have Luke help you with the vaporators. I was hoping to visit her since she promised me some of her blue milk cheese last time I saw her.”
You shake your head again, this time not as quickly.
“I’m alright. I don’t need Luke to help me. Really, I can handle it.”
Another sigh escapes her lips before a small smile appears. She reaches over to place a hand on your cheek. The once soft hand is now rough, calloused due to years of work. 
“My sweet, sweet girl. What would I do without you?”
You just smile at her back, some heat brushing your face at her words. 
“That’s what I’m here for, mom.”
Your mother has been sick for some time now. Like she says, it doesn’t technically get worse, but you’re sure something this long term doesn’t help anybody’s health. For as long as you can remember, it’s always been just your mom and you, your father having passed when you were young. She’s taken care of you all your life, nursing you back to health whenever you’ve fallen ill. Now it’s your turn to help her. 
Once breakfast is done, you kiss your mom’s cheek before heading to check in the vaporators. She lets you know she is going to visit the Lars family, but should be back for dinner. 
You step out into the scorching heat, eyes instantly squinting to adjust to the brightness. Tools in hand, you walk over to the vaporator that is giving trouble. Once you reach it, you begin to inspect it, quickly determining one of the condensers is busted. Should be an easy replacement, but you need to buy some at the market. 
Cleaning your hands on a rag, you walk over to your home again to drop off the tools and grab some bags to carry what you plan to buy at the market. You notice your mom is no longer there, having already gone to visit the Lars. 
You start the short walk over to the market, almost reaching it when you hear someone running behind you and your name being called. You turn to find who the owner of the voice is, and find Luke slowing down as he catches up to you, you smile. 
“Hi Luke,” you say as he reaches you. And though he had been the one who had been running, you know he’s not as breathless as you are at the moment. 
He takes a few breaths before speaking. “Hey,” he says and takes another breath. “I went to look for you at your house but hadn’t caught you in time.”
“I need to buy a new condenser for one of the vaporators, as well as some other things from the market.”
“Your mom told me,” he says. The two of you begin your walk to the market, sound of conversation and the smell of different food indicating it’s near. 
“Did she also tell you to help me with the vaporators?” You look at him as you ask your question, your eyebrow rising slightly. 
His face gives it all away. “I—no she didn’t.”
“Luke...”
“Okay,” he says, raising his hands slightly. “She did ask me to help you out, but in my defense I already planned on visiting you today.”
Luke and you have been friends since childhood. The Lars family are your neighbors, your mom and Beru having always been friendly with each other. With Luke and you being around the same age, it was easy for you to gravitate towards one another. You two are inseparable, and really, you wouldn’t have it any other way. 
“Well, you know I’m never opposed to seeing you, Luke, but I can fix the vaporator on my own.”
Once you reach the market you walk straight to the shop that you know will have condensers. Luke is next to you the whole time, not leaving your side. 
“I know you can, but I also know you probably have like 10 other things to do today. Let me help you with that one thing.”
After picking up a condenser, you look over at Luke. He’s staring at you, his blue eyes searching your face as he waits for your response. You place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it lightly. 
“Trust me, 11 things isn’t that much different than 10. I can do it.”
Luke throws his head back and gives a dramatic sigh. You laugh as you make your way to purchase the part, Luke’s response being exactly what you expected.
“It won’t hurt you to have some help every once in a while, you know?” Luke is behind you as you pay. 
“I know.”
You both leave the shop and walk towards the main line of food stands. You go around to different stands, with you buying the different food and supplies that are running low back home, while Luke is next to you talking about what he’s been up to since the last time he’d seen you. 
You’re back home now, hands deep in the vaporator, Luke sitting on the ground next to you. He helped you carry the condenser and some other things back and had almost started fixing the vaporator. You protested before he got his hands on it, reminding him that his original plan was to visit you, making him your guest, and guests don’t fix vaporators. 
You raise your arm to wipe some sweat off your brow. Setting the tools down, you turn to grab the water canteen that you had brought, finding Luke already holding it out. Thanking him, you take the canteen, bringing the opening to your lips and greedily drinking the cool liquid, some of it dripping down your chin. As you drink, you can feel Luke’s eyes on you, making you suddenly need more water. 
Taking a last gulp, you close the canteen and hand it back to Luke. He keeps his eyes on you, even as he grabs it and takes a drink himself. Now it’s your turn to stare. The way his lips connect with the opening, the way his neck moves as he drinks, the way he looks under the sun, the —
“Do I have something on my face, Y/L/N?”
At his words, you blink a few times. Before you get flustered under his gaze, you huff, deciding to put on a playful front instead of letting him know you were admiring him. 
“I should be asking you that, Skywalker. You’re the one that was staring first. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I have a doop bug on my face.”
Luke laughs, a genuine, full laugh that sounds like music to your ears. And with that, your playful front vanishes, replaced by the flustered state that only Luke can cause. In order to avoid having him see you this way, you turn your attention back to finish off the vaporator. 
You finish right before nightfall, the simple task taking longer than planned thanks to Luke, your favorite distraction. When you’re putting away the tools you used, Luke is standing behind you, talking to you about some new parts he got to tinker around with his family’s vaporators. 
“If you like, you can come over and I can show them to you. You might still find your mom there.”
You nod at his offer, practically jumping at the opportunity to spend more time with him. “Yeah, that’d be great. I might have to steal some of your ideas for the vaporators.”
So you walk with him to his home, bumping into your mom just about halfway. She has some of Beru’s blue milk cheese, and you let her know you’ll be home soon. When you arrive to the Lars homestead, you greet Owen and Beru, and Luke leads you to his room. 
He goes directly to where he has some of his new parts on a table on the corner of his room. Luke is fiddling around with some of the parts, but your eyes land on two little figurines made of wood from japor trees that are on the corner of the table. You pick them up, and upon further inspection you recognize them. You give way to a small gasp, and Luke turns to look at you. 
“What’s wrong? Oh...” His eyes land on the figurines in your hand, one of a girl and the other of a boy. 
“Are these...are these the ones I made you when we were kids?” Your fingers trace the edges of the rather crude wood carvings, a smile finding its way to your face. “I made these when I was like 10.”
“Yeah, I—I’ve had them since.”
“Why? I mean, they’re not really that good,” you say, laughing at the disproportionate legs and arms. 
“Because you made them. For me. How could I not keep them?”
You raise your eyes to look at him, finding he’s looking down at the wood carvings. You take the moment to appreciate how close he is to you. At this proximity, you freely look at his blonde hair, his lashes, his dimpled chin. He’s the epitome of your favorite dreams, and you’d love nothing more than to let him know that. 
“I really appreciate you keeping them, Luke.”
He looks up to meet your eyes, a warm smile on his face. Thanking the proximity once again, you have a better view of his smile, the smile that gives you goosebumps on even the hottest Tatooine days. 
“Here, let me show you the parts.”
After Luke gushes to you about his plans to modify the vaporators to work more efficiently, he asks you if you’d like to go outside and take advantage of the cooler air. Now, the two of you are sitting under the moons’ light, the absence of the twin suns allowing a small relief of the usual heat. 
“So, will you let me modify your vaporators if my technique works?” Luke asks, hope evident in his voice. 
“You can teach me how to modify one. I can take care of the rest. I wouldn’t want to keep you from your other duties.”
“You wouldn’t be keeping me from anything, Y/N. You know I love helping you.”
You nod. “I know, Luke. But really, I can do the rest on my own.”
Luke is silent for a second. The seconds soon turn to a few minutes, and you would be okay with it if it weren’t for the unreadable expression on his face. You’re about to break the silence when he beats you to it.  
“Why do you always think you have to do everything on your own?”
There it is, there’s the question you know he’s been wanting to ask, but hoped he wouldn’t.  A sigh escapes your lips as the emotions you’d been holding back come tumbling down like an avalanche. You feel tears start to well in your eyes, and you look down at your hands to hide them from him. 
“Because, Luke, I know one day I’ll be on my own. You’re destined for so much, I know this and you do too. I know one day you’ll be out in the galaxy fulfilling that great destiny of yours, and you should. But I know I have to stay here to care for my mom, and one day she’ll be too weak to do even the smallest things. And that day it’ll all fall on me, so I need to be prepared for when that day comes.”
You blink back the tears, still looking at your hands, afraid to face Luke. His hand comes to take a soft hold of your chin, lifting it lightly. You still avert your eyes, not wanting to look at him. 
“Y/N, please look at me.”
You finally do look at him, the pleading in his voice snaking its way into your heart and forcing you to meet his eyes. When your eyes lock with his, you feel yourself sink into his gaze. 
“I’m not going to leave you behind. Ever.”
“Luke, you don’t have to always think of me. You have to think about yourself, about your dreams. I’m not letting you stop everything because of me.”
“And I won’t. But I’m not leaving you behind either. You have to understand that. I can’t leave you behind because you’re the one who keeps me going, the one who inspires me to get out of here and search for something better. And I won’t leave you behind because I love you, I’ve loved you since we were children, and I’ll continue loving you until we’re both old and gray.”
You really don’t know what to say. You’ve loved Luke for as long as you can remember, the once childish crush growing into something mature and so real as the years passed. He’d been your first kiss when you two were children, and, unbeknownst to him, your only kiss. So to have him say all this to you leaves you nothing short of wordless. 
“Luke, I...I don’t know what to say.”
His hand moves from your chin to cup your face, his thumb grazing your cheek to wipe away a stray tear. 
“You don’t have to say anything, Y/N. I just need you to know that you can always count on me. Today, tomorrow, always.”
Before second guessing what you’re doing, you lean in to connect your lips with his. His lips instantly respond. At first you kiss him the way you did all those years ago: innocent and sweet. But soon, the years of love reflect themselves on the kiss.
You grab a hold of his face, bringing him closer to you. His hands drop to take a hold of your waist, staying there for a second until you make the move to inch closer to him. At your action, he pulls you closer to him, his fingers digging slightly into your waist. You let out a small moan at the sensation, one that’s mimicked by his own. 
At the sound of Luke’s name, you pull away. 
“Luke! I need your help with something!” It’s Owen who calls him. 
“I’ll be right there!” Luke answers. 
Then he turns to look at you, the biggest smile you’d ever seen adorns his face. You’re smiling as well, your lips tingling. A small laugh escapes you as the two of you continue to stare at each other, not really knowing what to say. 
You lean in to give him a quick kiss on his lips, pulling back before he pulls you in again. And when you look at his eyes again, all you see is pure adoration. 
A passing traveler had once described to you what you had a hard time imagining: the ocean. So much water in one place, you couldn’t fathom. What shocked you the most was his description of the ocean being blue. The most beautiful blue, you remember him saying. You’d hope to see it yourself one day. However, you know that his words couldn’t be true. The most beautiful blue you’d ever and will ever see is the shade of Luke’s eyes. 
“Luke!” Owen calls again. 
“Just a minute! I’m just saying goodbye to Y/N,” Luke says, standing up and extending his hand to help you up. You take it and stand up, dusting your pants of sand. 
“Oh, then take your time!”
You laugh at Owen’s words. Luke jokingly rolls his eyes, a laugh of his own filling your ears. 
“Here, I’ll walk you home.”
“No, Luke, I’m fine. Owen needs you,” you say. 
“You heard what he said. I’m taking my time.”
You laugh again, taking a hold of Luke’s arm. The two of you begin the walk to your home. As the two of you walk under the night sky, the light of the moons lighting your way, your conversation fills the air. The two of you tease and laugh, happiness evident. You arrive in front of your home, where Luke promises to see you first thing in the morning, and your chest fills with such beautiful warmth at the anticipation. 
When Luke kisses you goodnight before jogging his way back home, you know that now every morning, you’ll have a fourth constant, the one that will always outweigh the other three: love.
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The movie that started it all, Star Wars: A New Hope. Ewoks, Jar Jar Binks, rabid nerds who hate George Lucas—you have this movie to thank for all of that.  So let’s get this party started.
But first let’s get our eardrums fucking pulverized by the THX sound booster thing.
We start in…a space ship. Because it’s Star Wars. Not Alderaan Wars or Tatooine Wars or Jabba’s Party Barge Wars. (Although a sitcom based on Jabba’s Party Barge would be pretty awesome, you have to admit. Like, a sort of “Faulty Towers” deal, where Jabba’s right hand man, Bib Fortuna, has to manage the whole barge? And that little rat-like creature could be Manuel! That’s sitcom gold, right there. Anyway.) HOLY SHIT THAT SPACE SHIP JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. This is back when those Rebel Fighters didn’t have a fucking chance in hell. (Also, there were lots of C-3POs and R2-D2s on the ship. Did they hang out? Were there cliques? Were C-3PO and R2-D2 sort of an odd couple for being friends? Yet another potential sitcom, folks. Like “Square Pegs”. But in space.)
And here’s Darth Vader, making his entrance amongst a pile of dead Rebel soldiers. Really, the best way to make your movie entrance is with the slain bodies of your enemies strewn about you. Good show, Darth. C-3PO spots R2-D2 having some sort of chill time with Princess Leia. We don’t know who she is at this point, so I’m guessing we’re just to assume she’s one of those spooky chicks that like to hang out in the furnace room.
Darth Vader chokes a Rebel captain using his actual bare hands, and not his Jedi magic, because that’s the sort of thing you like to savor. Meanwhile, the droids skedaddle in an escape pod. Because, you know, those humans probably didn’t need them or anything.
While the droids make their escape, Leia is captured and brought to Vader. Oh, the dialogue in this movie. It’s so awful that it’s awesome. Darth doesn’t realize that the sassy girl he’s admonishing is his own daughter! I guess the Force wasn’t too strong with this one. (Maybe she was wearing too much perfume? Maybe Darth was distracted by the smell of Charlie cologne to sense the Force in his daughter? I don’t know, man.)
C-3PO and R2-D2, riding through the desert on a horse with no name, feeling good from getting out of the rain, bicker and beep at each other, because they’re like an old married couple that way (although, interestingly, throughout the movie C-3PO seems sort of casual about their relationship. Like, “Oh, yeah, I’ve heard good things about this R2 unit. He’s sort of annoying with his bleeps and bloops, but when he makes love to me, it’s like we have a spiritual connection.”)
And…they get into a fight and split up two minutes after landing. Because C-3PO is just that much of a whining load. R2-D2 is the real hero of this movie, folks. He’s on a mission and he’s going to accomplish it even if the direction in which he’s going is slightly rockier than the direction in which his life partner is going. C-3PO gets picked up by a transport pretty quickly. Like when you’re in New York City and you don’t want to walk from Penn Station to the Battery. You get a taxi, this is what happens. You’re sold into slavery to desert people.
R2-D2 is indeed faring no better. He gets his ass kicked by some Jawas, which will also happen if you wander into the wrong neighborhood in New York City. It’s really cute/sad when the Jawas electrocute him and he falls down. Sadder than dozens of Ewoks dying in Return of the Jedi, that’s for sure. He’s sucked up into the Jawa transport, where he once again allies with C-3PO. Man, there’s no getting rid of that guy. There are a lot of other droids on the Jawa’s transport, so it’s pretty much just like their situation on the Rebel ship, except now there’s sand everywhere. (There’s also the Gonk droid, a mysterious fellow who says nothing but “Gonk! Gonk!”, and who is my favorite supporting-role droid in this series.)
We then have our first bit of CGI revisionism, as George Lucas injects some computer beasties, apparently called dewbacks, for no other reason other than because he has an unlimited amount of money and because he can, damn it.
R2-D2 and C-3PO are strutted out to be sold like the slabs of meat that they are. We meet Luke Skywalker, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru—and the first thing out of Luke’s mouth is a snarky barb about the Jawa’s lack of droid variety. Dude, you buy black market, you get what you pay for. C-3PO sells himself to Uncle Owen, who’s literally like “Yeah yeah shut up already,” which is the funniest part of this movie. Luke whines some more, and chooses a red R2 unit, which makes R2-D2 sad. It’s sad. This droid is sad. He watches C-3PO go off with his new owners and he does this little “Take me with you!” bounce…it’s just sad, is all. Suddenly the red R2 unit catches fire and breaks down! R2-D2 also has the ability to kill things with his mind, I suppose. C-3PO puts in a good word for R2-D2 and Luke chooses him as his new best friend. The world is happy again.
Luke and the droids chit-chat a little more, swapping life stories, although it’s primarily just Luke whining about how he never gets to do what he wants, always has to work on the farm, can’t go to the rebel military academy and battle Imperialism. Luke wants to live the high life of a soldier! He wants the girls! He wants the glamor! He wants to dance, damn it! Luke, you live on a planet with two moons. Stop complaining. He comes across R2-D2’s recording of Leia and is instantly enamored by the girl who turns out to be his sister. Because George Lucas is a sick fuck. Leia needs to find Obi Wan Kenobi, who Luke thinks might be Ben Kenobi, a hermit who lives out in the even more bumfuck part of the planet. Luke, considering there only to seem three other people living in your hemisphere, and two of them are your aunt and uncle, I think it’s safe to say that Obi Wan is Ben Kenobi.
Luke and his family have dinner, which consists of blue milk, among other things, because SCIENCE FICTION! Uncle Owen is pretty knowledgeable of the Star Wars prequels, which is probably why he thinks this whole situation is crap. Luke wants to enroll in ARMY, which Uncle Owen nixes, because you can pretty much smell the Force dripping off of him, and when Uncle Owen promises some random Jedi dude to watch this random Jedi baby, HE DOES IT, DAMN IT. Luke doesn’t know the truth about his dad. Although if you were to tell him that his dad was also a whiny little bitch when he was his age, should he really be that surprised?
R2-D2 has run off. Because he’s a robot on a mission. Luke and C-3PO go off to look for him the next day, because it isn’t as though the little dude could get too far (spoiler alert: he can) and find him right in the middle of a Sand People par-tay. Sand People are the worst. Because they’re mean and they like to steal and kill people and they probably smell pretty bad. But they’re also easily frightened by eighty-year-old Jedi hermits, so Luke and the droids are in luck. Obi Wan Kenobi scares them off and then says a lot of mellow Jedi shit. Obi Wan seems to recognize R2-D2 immediately, which he should, considering the fact that he spent, like, ten years in his company. Obi Wan takes the others to his rocking bachelor pad, and talks a lot about Luke’s dad. He’s been waiting about twenty years, I guess, for Luke to come his way, and he has a hope chest full of Star Wars memorabilia to give him. Unfortunately nothing is in its original box and thus is no longer in mint condition, so it’s practically worthless. Luke asks Obi Wan how his dad died, and Obi Wan FLAT OUT LIES. He lies his little British ass off. Because if he was like, “Lol, Luke, your dad is the most powerful villain in the galaxy,” then Luke would probably high-tail it to the Empire cruiser to live the high life with his dad. Because Luke is a tool.
Obi Wan watches Leia’s message and recruits Luke to help him in his adventures. For some reason Luke says no despite the fact that he’s waiting his whole life to get away from Tatooine. Because he’s a chump.
Darth Vader and his superior officer, Grand Moff Tarkin, crash an Imperial officers’ meeting. Vader chokes an officer with his mind! But he’s unable to kill him off because Tarkin is like, “Dude, stop it, this isn’t conducive to productivity.” Back on Tatooine, Luke and Obi Wan find that Imperial Stormtroopers have slaughtered the Jawas that sold R2-D2 and C-3PO to the Skywalker clan. Luke rushes home to find that his aunt and uncle have been killed, in a scene George Lucas pretty much took straight out of The Searchers. I’m not carping, it’s a nice reference, but I’m just saying. There’s a pretty gory shot of his uncle and aunt’s burnt bodies. Ouch. Sucks to be you, Luke.
Also sucks to be Leia, because Darth is about to torture her with some sort of Floating Torture Ball that has a hypodermic needle glued to it. Because SCIENCE FICTION.
Luke returns to Obi Wan and the dead Jawas. Obi Wan and the droids are burning the bodies, which is sort of weird. Get rid of the evidence, Obi Wan! Don’t forget the quicklime! Luke has no real choice but to go with Obi Wan to Mos Eisley, and then to Alderaan, and help find Leia, which worked out well for Obi Wan, I guess. Another new CGI scene, as a CGI droid beats up another CGI droid, and a CGI dewback bucks a CGI Jawa off its back. Because George Lucas wanted some slapstick humor to really class up the joint twenty years after the fact, I guess.
Obi Wan uses Jedi Mind Magic to get some Stormtroopers off their asses, and Luke is all like, “I want to go to there,” meaning he wants to use this Force junk that Obi Wan’s been preaching non-stop. It’s sort of like Scientology, I guess. Look at all the cool things you can do with the Force, Luke! I can bend people’s minds to my will! I can set you up on a date with Tom Cruise! Do you want to be Mrs. Tom Cruise, Luke? Because I can make it happen! Obi Wan and Luke go into a Cantina, with its awesome Cantina music. Everyone hangs out at the cantina. It’s like the Club 54 of Mos Eisley. There are a bunch guys in cheap alien outfits snorting coke, downing colorful milk. But the bartender turns away the droids, because he’s racist, I guess.
They might actually be in a gay bar, and they’d never know it. Because everyone’s some sort of alien. I’m just going to pretend they’re in a gay bar.
An alien who has a vagina for a chin tries to pick a fight with Luke, who doesn’t know what the fuck Vagina Chin is saying because That’s Not English, Dude, but Obi Wan steps in. He kills one roughneck and hacks off another’s arm with his light saber. They show the bloodied arm on the floor, which begs the question of why the light saber didn’t instantly cauterize the wound when it sliced through the arm. Seriously, George Lucas, you spent millions of dollars changing Jake Lloyd’s eyeballs in The Phantom Menace, and you can’t fucking fix this? Whatever, George. I’m done with your shit. Anyway, we finally, finally meet Han Solo and Chewbacca, who don’t take no shit from no one, at least not for a price. Obi Wan and Han hash a deal out, and Han agrees to shuttle Obi Wan and the boy around, because a job’s a job. Before he can leave, however, Greedo, a bounty hunter, comes to bring Han back to Han’s ex-boss, Jabba the Hutt, who’s put a price on Han’s head, because it’s a nice-looking head. Han and Greedo trade barbs right before Han shoots Greedo. Now, in the original version, Han shoots Greedo, because he’s a bad ass in that way. In the new version, however, Greedo shoots at Han first, somehow missing him despite the fact that he’s only, like, two fucking feet away from him. Han actually aims his gun and kills him. Because George Lucas, you son of a bitch.
Outside the cantina, the Stormtroopers are closing in on Obi Wan and the droids. Luke sells his jaunty jalopy and whines about it, because DAMN THIS ECONOMY. They’re followed to the Millennium Falcon by an alien that looks suspiciously like Trumpy from Pod People, who rats them out to the Stormtroopers. There’s a new scene in which Jabba the Hutt and Han have a conversation outside the ship. Han is like, “Whatever, this scene probably won’t even make it into the movie,” and doesn’t seem particularly worried by Jabba’s presence. Little does he know. There are another two Greedos hanging out with Jabba, so I don’t know why Jabba is so upset that Han killed the first Greedo. But whatever, that scene is worthless.
Luke sets his eyes on the Falcon and, of course, whines about it. Han tells him to keep his whiny mouth shut and get the fuck on board. They’re about to leave when the Stormtroopers attack, which allows for another fight scene, and they ultimately zip out of Mos Eisley in a hurry. Han quickly realizes that his new passengers might not be what they seem. And that he’s probably going to end up trapped in a trash compactor in the near future. Poor Han. Imperial cruisers chase the Falcon, while Luke whines and Han handles the situation like a man. Because he’s awesome.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tarkin meets Leia, who sasses him, because she has a sass-mouth. You’re either a sass-mouth or a whiner in the Skywalker family, and Leia lucked out in that respect. Tarkin threatens to blow up her home planet of Alderaan unless she tells him the location of the rebel base. She gives him a random planet name, because she’s smart and sassy, and Tarkin blows up her planet anyway, because he can play the sass game too, little lady. Obi Wan feels a whole bunch of death going down in the universe, and has to have a lie-down. Chewbacca and R2-D2 play some sort of alien game of holographic chess, because SCIENCE FICTION. R2-D2 lets Chewbacca win because Chewie’s a sore loser and will kill him if he doesn’t. Which is a good strategy to have, really. I wish I had employed that strategy more when I played competitive sports. Meanwhile, Obi Wan is trying to school Luke in the Force, while Han makes fun of him, because he’s Han and he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about hokey religions. Because Han is too cool for school. And besides, Luke’s getting his ass handed to him by a laser-shooting baseball, so Han sort of has a point.
Tarkin is shocked—shocked!—to find that Leia lied to him about where the rebel base was. Dude, she’s sassy. You’re going to get that, with sass-mouth. Tarkin gives up trying to reason with her and orders her to be executed. But not instantly though—no, let’s give those Rebel fighters a chance to maybe save her first, there’s a good sport. Luke and the gang arrive where Alderaan should have been, but by now it’s nothing but space junk. They follow some short-range TIE fighters to what is not in fact a moon but actually a space station—the Death Star. Because it’s as big as a star, and it likes to kill things to death. Hence, Death Star. Luke whines at a higher pitch than usual as the Death Star pulls the Falcon in with its tractor beam. Han wants to fight the Stormtroopers because he’s a man, damn it, and that’s what men do, but Obi Wan convinces him to hide in the cargo hold of the ship, because that’s what Jedis do. Darth senses Obi Wan’s presence. But not his own son, because I wouldn’t want to recognize Luke’s presence either.
Luke and the Gang kill some Stormtroopers and steal their uniforms, because they’re sneaky like that. Chewbacca mauls some officers to death, because that’s what wookiees do. They take control of the control room fairly easily. Good job, guys. One room down, 30,000 more to go. Han has been hanging out with Luke for too long, because he starts to whine about having to run and sneak and exert himself physically. Obi Wan sets out to turn off the Death Star’s defense system, and tells Luke to stay safe and don’t touch anything. Just put your hands behind your back, Luke. Remember—you break it, you buy it. Han and Chewie make fun of Obi Wan because Jedis are lame, man. R2-D2 finds out where Leia is being held and Han is all like, “What the fuck is this shit about princesses and saving princesses and shit this is not what I signed up for.” Luke whines, and then tries a different tack, explaining to Han that saving princesses come with rewards which means money. Money for Han. Han likes money and begrudgingly goes along with Luke’s shitty plan, which involves pretending that Chewbacca is a prisoner and going to Leia’s cell block and…that’s it. That’s the plan. It only works because everyone else on the Death Star has better things to do than wonder what two shorter-than-average Stormtroopers are doing with a humongous walking carpet (Leia’s words, not mine). They arrive at the cell block and try to lie their pants off, which doesn’t work because the officer in charge is on the ball and realizes how ridiculous their story is. So Chewie goes berserk and Han starts shooting. Because why the fuck not?
Okay, actual funniest part of the movie—Han pretends to be an Imperial officer and tries to explain the firefight that just went down when some senior officers call in asking what all the ruckus is. Harrison Ford adlibbed a lot of it, apparently. Of course, it doesn’t work, because none of their plans work, and so he shoots the CommLink. Of course he does. Luke finds Leia, who makes fun of his height, because she’s sassy. Princesses, man.
Darth Vader is 110 percent sure that Obi Wan is on the Death Star, because there’s an old man smell wafting through the hallways, I guess. Obi Wan continues to sneaky-sneak about the Death Star while Han and Luke get their asses handed to them left and right. Because they’re incompetent. They try to leave the cell block with Leia but are quickly hemmed in by Stormtroopers. Leia sass-mouths everyone, because she’s sassy, and calls Han “Fly Boy”, which is pretty fucking funny. (Actually, most of what Leia says is funny in its sassiness.) Then she forces everyone to jump into a garbage chute, because she’s a Skywalker and all Skywalker plans suck ass. Wheee, down the garbage chute they go, into the trash compactor, which is usually where all garbage chutes lead to. Leia did not plan that far ahead. Han, Leia, and Luke yell at each other as they try to get out of the compactor, because they’re way in over their heads. There’s also a Dianoga, some sort of octopus-y alien, down there with them, because why not?, and it pulls Luke into the garbage water in record time. Because Luke is a tool. There are some awkward minutes in which Luke has apparently been killed and Han and Leia have nothing to talk about, but then the alien releases Luke, because George Lucas realized that that was a plot point that was going nowhere, I guess. And then the trash compactor starts up! Because fuck their lives, that’s why!
C-3PO and R2-D2 are in the control room and could turn off the compactor, but some soldiers break into the control room, and C-3PO has to turn off his CommLink , and is unable to hear Luke whining for help. Luke and Co. are slowly getting squished, bickering all the while. It’s Suspenseful. C-3PO remembers his CommLink and tries to apologize to Sir Luke for not calling him up sooner. Luke tells him to shut the fuck up and turn off the garbage compactor. Which he does. Everyone’s happy that they’re not dead. Han and Leia hug. Han feels a stirring in his plastic stormtrooper codpiece.
Han and Leia trade barbs, because they’re both sassy, and Leia insults everyone, because she’s the sassiest of them all. Obi Wan uses his Jedi Mind Magic to turn off the Death Star’s tractor beam. On their way back to the Falcon, Han and Luke and Leia split up, Han offering a diversion by getting into it with some Stormtroopers, which naturally leads to him being chased by more Stormtroopers, and Luke and Leia getting stuck in a little alcove after Luke shoots out the controls to the bridge or something, I don’t know. He’s a fuck-up. He and Leia get out of their sticky situation, but not before relishing in some sexy, actually-incestuous chemistry between themselves.
Darth finally tracks down Obi Wan, and they duke it out using their light sabers. Darth’s like, “Yo, what’s up? How’s it going? I’m totally going to kill you, by the way, because I’m stronger than you, and I’m 90 percent machine.” And Obi Wan is like, “Even if you kill me, then I’ll still win, because I’m Zen like that.” Vader’s like, “Yeah, I’m willing to live with that,” and kills him. But only because Obi Wan lets him kill him, to divert attention so Luke and Co. could get into the Falcon and escape. Luke fucks it up by whining about Obi Wan’s death, however, catching the Stormtroopers’ attention, and so they still get shot at. Obi Wan isn’t even dead for ten seconds before his spirit has to remind Luke to run the fuck away from the bad guys.
Back in space, Luke is sad because his mentor died. Despite only after knowing him for maybe a week, at most. He tries to grieve, but Han reminds him that they’re still on the run from Imperial TIE-fighters so put on your big boy pants and strap yourself to a laser gun, farm boy. What follows is a pretty awesome fight scene between the Falcon and said TIE fighters. The good guys win, although Leia is quick to rain on Han’s parade by insisting that the Empire let them go. Because she’s sassy.  She’s right, of course, because Darth Vader and Tarkin have put a tracking device on the Falcon and are going to follow them back the Rebel base. Han and Leia argue because they’re both spunky and that’s how spunky people fall in love. Luke is like, “Don’t think squishy thoughts about my sister-crush, dude, that’s not cool,” and Han’s like, “Well, of course I’m going to now.”
The Falcon flies to the rather nice-looking planet of Yavin IV, and Luke and Leia and the rest of the Rebels prepare to destroy the Death Star, using the blueprints R2-D2 purloined. Vader and Tarkin have followed them and prepare to destroy Yavin. What a crazy happenstance! It’s like a sitcom! Hopefully, at the end the Death Star will be like, “You were trying to blow me up? But I was trying to blow you up!” And Yavin can laugh and be like, “You mean—you…? Oh, well boy is my face red!” Jan Dodonna, the Rebel leader of the attack, explains his Blow Up the Death Star strategy to the rebel pilots (it’s basically, “shoot this tiny target in the middle of the scary laser ball”). Han tries his best to not seem interested in all this. He does a fade-away-jerk hand gesture at everyone who looks at him (or, well, Chewie. Chewbacca is the only one who looks at him).
Luke whines about Han leaving before the fight, because Han apparently hasn’t put his life in jeopardy enough for Luke’s liking. Luke tries to browbeat him but Han’s like, “What the fuck ever, this bounty on my head isn’t going to pay itself.” Luke hops into an X-wing fighter with R2-D2 as his batman, (batman as in an officer’s assistant, not Bruce Wayne’s crime-fighting alter ego, although R2-D2 as Batman would be interesting, admit it). Luke meets his old boyhood friend Biggs, who’s ready to kick some Imperial ass; not realizing, I guess, that if you’re introduced just before the beginning of a battle scene, you’re pretty much as good as dead. Sorry, Biggs. Nice mustache though. The Ghost of Obi Wan gives Luke a little pep talk before the mission. Everyone takes their places—Luke and R2-D2 in his X-wing, Leia and C-3PO in the rebel control center, Darth Vader and Tarkin in the command center of the Death Star, Han getting the fuck out of dodge, etc.
And the fight begins! It’s rather wicked. Troopers on the Death Star scramble about as the Death Star takes minor hits. A Rebel named Porkins is killed—Porkins, because he’s fat, get it?! Oh, George Lucas, you do have fun. Rebel pilots start getting taken out by TIE fighters, one by one, and Luke whines all the while. “Wahh, stop getting shot, guys, this isn’t funny! Wahhh, power converters!” he whines. (Fun fact: I have a Luke Skywalker pen that talks, and all its sound bytes are of Luke whining. I love it to death.) A handful of the X-wings fly through a Death Star canyon to hit their target, which will in effect blow up the Death Star—it is literally the size of a shoebox. They have to shoot into the shoebox-sized hole while flying a million miles per second and with TIE-fighters on their tale, so when Tarkin says he’s not worried about the Death Star getting blown up, it’s not necessarily difficult to see why. One after another the rebel pilots attempt to hit their target, but fail, because their scopes were apparently built in China and therefore suck and are useless. Biggs is killed, which makes Luke sad, but more driven to Blow All the Shit Up. There’s another pilot named Wedge Antilles, who realizes that this is a stupid fucked-up plan and is like, “Lol, screw you, assholes, I’m going home.” And thus is able to make appearances in subsequent Star Wars movies, unlike any of the other minor rebel fighters.
At this point Darth wants in on this Rebel-killing action and mans his own ship to shoot down the rebel pilots. He finally, finally senses that the force is strong with Luke, and manages to hit R2-D2. It’s sad. Sadder still that, if R2-D2 died, C-3PO would be unable to collect R2-D2’s pension or anything, because inter-droid marriage and its spousal benefits are probably illegal, I’m guessing. Darth is just about to shoot Luke down when HAN APPEARS TO SAVE THE DAY! Yay! The Falcon shows up in a very nice shot, haloed by a lens flare, and in a movie theater somewhere, a tiny JJ Abrams feels a chill roll down his spine. Darth is ricocheted into outer space as Luke hits his target (it’s blatantly sexual, but George Lucas probably didn’t realize it, because SCIENCE FICTION). The Death Star blows up, everyone returns to base, Han is instantly happy and Part of the Team, and they all celebrate. Some gearheads promise to fix and shine R2-D2 up real pretty-like.
In a final scene straight out of Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph of the Will, Princess Leia awards Han and Luke with medals—but not Chewbacca, because Racism. Han winks at her because he’s a smooth one, that Han is, and R2-D2 is alive, yay! The heroes are applauded, and George Lucas wonders if he’s going to get enough money out of this dinky little movie for him to pay off the rest of his car loans. Fox executives, doubting this movie will ever break even, wonder if maybe they can make some money off its merchandise. The answer to all their questions is—yes. Yes, it will make some money.
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