Feel My Love
It was already getting late in the evening and Bheem still had yet to see Ram touch the plate of food he had left for him. The food had been left untouched. Ram was sitting at desk, writing for what felt like hours. The sun had set a while ago and he had only gotten up from his seat to light a few candles. Bheem knew enough was enough.
Ram needed to stop overworking now.
“Bhaee?” He came over leaning on the desk that Ram was writing on, surrounded by his books, “It’s getting late.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Ram nodded continuing his writing.
“Anna,” Bheem touched his shoulder, “You’ve been at this for hours now. Come on.”
Ram dropped his pencil and sighed stretching, “I know but… I’m just missing something.”
Bheem nodded, “We’ll find out more tomorrow, after you get some sleep.”
Ram shook his head, “Not tired now.”
“Sure,” Bheem crossed his arms, “Cause sitting for all these hours definitely is energizing.”
Ram smirked, “You sound like Seetha.”
“She’s right,” Bheem smiled, “Don’t tell her I said that.”
Ram poked his brother’s side playfully and Bheem chuckled.
“You do need to sleep though, anna.” He went straight back to his point.
Ram was quiet for some time and for a moment Bheem wondered if he was even listening to him. He just stared at his opened journal.
“Ram?” Bheem spoke.
“I can’t,” Ram shook his head in frustration, “I can’t…sleep.”
Bheem’s gaze softened as he understood the meaning behind his brother’s words. It wasn’t just now he was talking about. Sleeping, in general, posed a problem for Ram. Now that Bheem understood more of Ram’s childhood, he understood why sleeping would be difficult. The man probably just tried to evade sleep all together to minimize nightmare and dark thoughts from his past.
“Anna,” He tipped Ram’s chin so he could meet his eyes, “Why didn’t you say something?”
Ram sighed running a hand through his hair, “No point really. Nothing to be done about it, so why bother others?”
Bheem tisked him gently “I’m not others.”
He walked behind him holding his shoulders and began to gently knead the tight spots he found. Bheem remembered when the children in the village had a difficult time sleeping, the elders use to rub them down they slept. Bheem thought it would work well now.
He started gently, just allowing Ram to get used to the touch and to see where the problem spots were. Ram tensed at first, but after a few minutes he loosened up and allowed Bheem do his work. His neck was tight, probably due to too much writing, but Bheem noticed his shoulders were much more tight. He used his thumb to gently knead through the tension, trying to be gentle but firm, with the intent to soothe.
Ram had exhaled a few times and Bheem was pleased to hear the sound.
“Good?” He asked hoping it was helping.
“Yes,” Ram smirked surprised by this secret talent of Bheem.
“See?” Bheem frowned as he found a tight spot in Ram’s shoulder, “You’re working too much, bhaee.”
Ram inhaled sharply at the soreness.
“Sorry,” His brother whispered, “Just let me get it.”
Ram leaned back as Bheem worked on his shoulders. He felt himself relax as the tension simply drained out of him. Bheem was not overly rough but firm enough that it was helping to loosen him. He could feel his eyes grow heavy as he leaned into the warmth of Bheem’s hands, which were lulling him to sleep.
“Bhaee?” Bheem’s voice reached his ears.
“Hm?” Ram’s eyes snapped open.
“I said, are you okay?” Bheem’s face came into his vision as the man squatted down in front of the chair he sat in.
“Sorry,” Ram laughed, “I was sleeping.”
“Ah-ha,” Bheem titled his head, “So it’s helping, hm?”
Ram nodded.
“Come on,” Bheem pulled him out of the chair and led him to the bed. He pulled the blankets back, “Off with this.” He motioned to Ram’s white shirt.
Ram smirked but did as he was instructed, “Yes Mom.”
The comment earned him a light spank. He sat down on the bed and watched as Bheem knelt down to remove his shoes.
“No Bheem…” He was about to protest.
“Shh,” Bheem gave him a stern look, which still of course looked gentle to Ram. He pulled off his shoes, “Lay down.”
Ram sighed knowing he wasn’t going to win this argument when Bheem was in care mode. He laid down on his stomach, breathing out as the cool blankets almost embraced him. He could hear Bheem bustling around before the side of the bed dipped as his brother sat next to him. Ram turned his head to see Bheem warming some oil in his hands.
“Close your eyes, bhaee.” Bheem spoke softly now.
Ram did so, laying his head back on the pillow. He felt something tight release in him as Bheem’s large warm hands massaged his back. His hands were incredible gently and the oil smelled pleasant. It reminded him of Bheem’s scent, earthy and warm. Ram exhaled deeply as the kinks in his lower back lessened.
Bheem tisked at him again, rubbing firmly as he sat next to him, “No wonder you can’t sleep, anna. You’ll hurt yourself like this. You work too much.”
Ram didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t used to anybody caring so deeply for his well-being before. He never received physical touch in a positive way for all his adult life. Bheem however, was always giving him hugs, tickles, laying an arm around his shoulders or placing a gentle hand on his thigh. It kept surprising Ram when he did that.
No one had ever done that before.
Not since his mother…
The thought of her filled his mind. Her voice, her laugh, her strength. Ram remembered how she used to rub his back like this when he couldn’t sleep or was sick. The memory made his throat tighten and his eyes water.
“Nuvva bagunnava, anna?” (Are you okay?) Bheem asked as he continued his kneaded and stroking. He wanted to make sure his anna was not in pain.
Ram nodded not trusting his voice at the moment. Yet Bheem knew him better than anyone. He could read him like an open book. Feel Ram’s emotions as if they were a very part of himself. It was a connection they just both had. Feeling each other’s pain so very physically, that they knew what was said in silence between them.
In the quiet room, lit with only candles, Bheem stopped his rubbing. He simply kept his hand on Ram’s back. A steady presence. A strong wave calming raging fire.
“Yah kya hai, bhaee?” (What is it, brother?) Bheem spoke softly in his ear.
It broke Ram.
He sobbed out loud, covering his eyes with his hand as his shoulders shook with emotion. His breath was hitching as more hiccuping sobs escaped from him.
“Ayyo,” Bheem pulled him close, wrapping him tightly in his arms, “It’s okay, anna. It’s okay.” He rubbed his back some more, rocking him gently, “I’m here.”
Ram couldn’t stop the tears and he felt ashamed of himself. “I’m sorry,” He gasped, voice high with emotion, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why…”
Bheem kissed his hair, “Shhh. Shh. It’s okay. Don’t be sorry. I’m here, I’ve got you, bhaee. Let it out. Let it all out.”
Ram buried his face in his brother’s strong chest, feeling the rhythmic thumping of his heart. It soothed him. He stayed there for some time. Gripping onto Bheem like a lifeline and Bheem keeping him wrapped close.
Neither man could pull away and they lost track of time. They were both just focused on each other.
“You’re exhausted, anna,” Bheem finally broke the silence with a whisper, “Your mind is tired. You need rest.”
Ram let go of his grip on Bheem’s shirt and Bheem released from the embrace. They kept a grip on their hands however.
“My mother,” Ram admitted softly looking at Bheem, who was grasping his hand, “She use to…she use to rub my back like that.”
Bheem’s eyes held pain inside them as he listened to his brother’s words. He understood now the reason behind the tears. His brother had not received a embrace or had been touched at all since that time of his childhood. The thought broke Bheem’s heart and he felt his own eyes fill with tears with this thought. The thought of his anna, living a life of solitude while trying to fulfill his father’s mission.
Alone with no comfort from anyone.
Ram must’ve seen the look on his face because he squeezed Bheem’s hand harder “It’s okay. I don’t even…”
Bheem held his face in hands and kissed him on the head tenderly, silencing whatever excuse Ram would make. He stroked his cheek, silencing him completely. His gaze intense but soft. Ram could understand the words unspoken in the quiet of the night.
“Forgive me,” Bheem leaned his head against Ram’s, “I didn’t know, anna.”
“Bheem,” Ram smiled softly, brushing his fingers over his brother’s beard, “It’s okay, really.”
Bheem shook his head, “Rest now.”
Ram did rest, turning on his side facing Bheem still. He draped his arm over his brother’s lap and Bheem took his hand and squeezed it softly. He used his other hand to continue massaging his brother’s back. After some time, Ram finally fell asleep, snoring lightly.
Bheem smiled as he watched his brother sleep. He ran a hand through his anna’s hair softly. Even though Ram was fast asleep, Bheem found himself continuing to massage his back. He’d be lying if he didn’t admit it was soothing for himself as well.
Now that he was beginning to understand some of the reasons behind Ram’s introverted side, Bheem vowed to never let his anna go a day without feeling loved. He would care for brother, as Ram had cared for him all this time as well.
“I’ll always be here, anna.” He whispered knowing Ram didn’t hear him, but feeling the need to tell him aloud either way.
And Bheem made another promise to himself silently in the night, as he watched his brother sleep in his arms soundly.
Ram was going to get massages from him as often as he could.
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Apologies for this piece being late but school and work take up too much time! This was in response to a canon I wrote some time ago. Let me know what you think please!
I haves some new followers so comment if I forgot to tag you and you would liked to be tagged in my future RRR fanfic posts! I’ll gladly add you!
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