#between having to work basically all this week with today/yesterday being one of my days off and next sunday being the other

[taahko]

I just found your blog today can you please explain or point out a post that explains the MASH timeloop thing? I love the show but I've never heard anyone talk abt it that way before

oh yay hurray ive been waiting for an excuse to talk about this lmao sorry this is long

ok so basically maeve (my gf) and i started watching mash for the first time about a month ago and we started joking about it being like the characters were stuck in a time loop mostly because the same basic episode format is repeated over and over, because it's a sitcom from the 70s and the episodes arent meant to be watched en masse where you can start noticing all the little repetitions and plot holes and inconsistencies that naturally occur in longform tv

but then i started to pay attention to the dates being mentioned in the show - famously the korean war never technically ended, but american troops were involved in active on the ground fighting between 1950 and 1953, so the entire 11 seasons of mash have to be squeezed into that three year period. with 251 episodes occurring within 1,129 days, that gives every episode about 4.5 days of real time. so it works right? no time loop right? well wait a sec

for the first 5 seasons or so of mash they give very consistent dates about when things are happening. for example, bj arrives in korea in september of 1952, at the start of season 4. colonel potter arrives about a week after him, and talks about how he has 18 months left before his retirement. that gives us about 7 months for the shows final 7 seasons to take place in, meaning that by the episode 'point of view' in season 7 we should be around december of 1952. in that episode the pov character starts writing a letter home and in the corner he writes the date:

september of 1951. ok, could be that this episode isn't meant to take place in the regular timeline of the season - maybe for some reason its just like, a random flashback episode. but bj, charles, and potter are all present, even though none of them got to korea until 1952. now i KNOW that this is not like, the True Hidden Secret Lore of MASH, this is the writers realizing they were running out of road and turning back the clock a bit to accommodate for how long the show was running on. but play in my time loop space with me please

more talking points:

consistent jokes about time zones and how difficult it is to call the states because "our today is their yesterday but if you call them now it might not reach them until our tomorrow and by that point our yesterday will be their today"

hawkeye's increasing mania over the seasons and his conviction that the war will never end, comparing the camp to dante's inferno multiple times. maeve once pointed out that the closer hawkeye comes to realizing that he's trapped in a time loop the closer he gets to being institutionalized - and what does the series finale cold open onto ? hawkeye in a mental institution. the only way out is to lose yourself etc. sidenote frank also escaped the time loop by going insane and getting institutionalized

in a war for all seasons bj potter and charles are all present at the 1951 new years party as well as the 1952 new years party

there are three christmas episodes, two of which bj is present for even though he should only have spent one christmas in korea

details of people's families and lives shift around - sometimes potter's got multiple grandchildren, sometimes he only has one, sometimes its a girl, sometimes its a boy, sometimes she's 5, sometimes he's 2

we're not the first people to talk about this either, here's a good video compilation posted a couple yrs ago of time loop moments

overall ive been using the time loop thesis to add another layer to my mash viewing experience. it increases the already present sense of constant dread, anger, frustration, and disgust with their situation that the characters feel, plus it feels like a very poignant take on the united states' constant warmongering and violent existence. it really never ends, it just goes on an on. the future's been canceled by the war department- we're just gonna replay the past.

#shut up aggie #mash #might add more to this later

[tlouxx]

Electromagnetism - p. 2

~ ellie williams x reader

——————————————————————————

part one | part three <3

synopsis: you and ellie williams have been long time rivals. you're a physics majors at wellesley college, and you’re competing for the same spot in the prestigious dr. ramsey’s lab as ellie. suddenly neither of you can escape the other as you’re both trying to navigate your final year of college.

content: college!ellie, mean!ellie, modern au, academic rivals to lovers, forced proximity, swearing, banter, eventual smut i swear, tensions rising between ellie and reader

——————————————————————————

Day 22

PHYS 302: Quantum Mechanics 

It’s only a few weeks into the semester, and this class is already demanding way too much of my time. Ellie and I are still sitting next to one another. I think both of us are too proud to move. Our first exam is coming up in less than a week, and to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I can tell Ellie is stressed out about it too. She’s been studying every free second, biting her nails down to a nub, and she wore that same shirt yesterday. Not that I’m keeping track! We are spending a significant amount of time together between our class schedule and work. I guess you begin to notice little details about someone when you’re with them almost everyday. Even if it isn’t by choice. 

…

I can’t think straight. So many variables are swirling around in my thoughts. Ellie. My increasing anxiety. This exam. Being the best at what I do. The professor lecturing is only background noise to the ardent contemplation of the current state of my life. Quite   frankly I’m struggling to understand what a quantum state is or why I should care about it. I’m only brought back to reality when I realize that Dr. L is talking to me. 

“Are you listening?” 

“I’m sorry. Can you repeat the question?”

“Can anyone else tell me what the variables are that define the quantum state of a system?” 

Ellie quickly speaks up, “Compatible and Incompatible.”

“Correct, Miss Williams.” Dr. L glares at me as she turns back around to the dusty chalkboard. 

…

I want to throw my head down against the desk. I knew that, and now I’ve made myself look like a fool in front of the class. I’m just so distracted by Ellie lately. Ever since she got in my face and said she intended to get the same lab position I’ve been dying to have, I feel frozen in time. I knew she wanted it, but it’s real now that she’s said it out loud. Getting into Dr. Ramsey’s lab could mean I have a fighting chance at grad school or even a future in research. It’s fucking important to me. It occurs to me that maybe Ellie and I could have an alliance. After all the saying goes, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. 

…

In the corner of my eye, I see Ellie chewing on her pencil. She’s studying again while I’m stuck explaining basic calculus to a freshman. It’s 8:07 p.m. Only 23 minutes till the end of my shift, but I tell her anyway that we’re closed for the night. I needed to escape the monotony of derivatives and integrals. 

Ellie’s head lifts up as she hears me escort the girl out the door. It seems I piqued her curiosity, “Why did you tell her we’re closed?” 

“She’s going to fail calculus with or without my help." I slump back in my chair knowing I'm barely conscious from my lack of sleep. "I’m just exhausted today. I don’t want to explain integrals again.” 

A smile appears on Ellie’s face. She looks down at her hands before looking up at me again. I think I almost made her laugh. 

“Trust me. I heard you explain it to her multiple times. I get it.” 

Before I know it, a smile is materializing on my face too. I laugh knowing we have a mutual understanding. To be honest, Ellie kinda intimidates me. Maybe that's why when I’m around her it makes my body feel like it’s on fire. I can hear my heart pumping as she starts to move in closer to me ever so slightly. I know she’s waiting for me to say something else. Maybe I should say something else. I hope she doesn't notice how I choke on my words as I try to speak.

… 

“Um, while we’re uh talking… I was just wondering how you felt about the exam on Friday.” 

Ellie settles into her seat. Confidence seeps out of every pore of her body. I watch as she sets down the pencil she was once chewing on. “It’ll be easy. Maybe not for you, but it will be for me.” 

“Sure… Ellie." I mirror her position. Trying to emulate the confidence she exudes. "I was just going to offer you some study tips in case you needed them.” I remark back at her. 

She leans forward in her chair. Without warning, the air between us seems to thicken. “You could barely keep up today in class. I certainly don’t need any of your help.” 

I lean forward too. “Really? Because I think that you’re studying every second you get because you know I’m better than you."

I stand up, and walk toward Ellie. As I begin to close the space between us, Ellie lifts herself out of her seat. She almost looks like she can't believe I'm saying this "..and you can’t stand the thought of it.”

Ellie looks like she's about to say something. Her mouth opens but closes. She turns around and opens up her bookbag. I watch as she rips a piece of paper out of a notebook. She writes something down.

She turns back around with a paper crumbled in her hand. Ellie inches toward me just like she did on our first night working together. My breath catches in my throat as my mouth goes dry. She pushes the piece of paper into my chest as I stumble backward. 

She swivels on her foot and begins to pack up her things. I grab the paper and look at it. She remarks “It's my number for when you realize you’re the one who needs my help.” 

… 

As I walk out of work, the cold of the night makes goosebumps appear all over my arms. I am still in shock of what just happened. Ellie pushes past me and into the emerging nightfall. Her perfume lingers behind. She smells of mint and eucalyptus. Not wanting to disturb her, I continue walking a few paces behind her.

My head feels clouded. I feel overwhelmed by all of the thoughts spinning around in my head. Did she seriously just do that? 

The moon brightens up the night sky as Ellie exits my view. My apartment building is only a few blocks away. I need to tell someone else about what happened tonight. I pull my phone out of my back pocket to text Dina. 

8:33 P.M 

you will never guess what just happened to me tonight 

D: What??! Spill please!

Well... I asked Ellie about the exam in 302 and she basically said it’d be easy for her, but not me. So i said well maybe i could give you tips so you wouldn’t have to study every second of the day. then she gave me her number?!!! and said to text her when i realize that i am the one that needs help??

D: oh my fucking god. 

isn’t she crazy? 

D: I mean.. I think you both are.

D: but i’m curious if that’s her real number? 

D: send it to me and i’ll let you know. 

you have her number?

D: we might’ve exchanged numbers at some point..

???

D" well…. we kissed once or twice. 

D: but we're not talking anymore 

omg. DINA! why didn’t you tell me!!! 

D: I thought you'd be mad and it was casual!!

D: send me the number!!! 

I threw my phone onto my bed after I sent the number over to Dina. I doubt Ellie would give me her real number. She probably just wanted to fuck with me. Not that it matters if its real or not.. I wouldn’t text her anyway. 

I’m disappointed that Dina didn’t feel like she could tell me about her and Ellie. I’m supposed to be there for her like she has been for me. I let this stupid rivalry get in the way of our friendship. Although when I look back on it, I don’t think they tried to hide it either. Maybe I’ve been too caught up in the fact that she was my nemesis to realize that Ellie and Dina were practically sitting on top of each other at parties or both missing at the same time. How could I have been so naïve to miss this?? My phone vibrates on my comforter. I feel my stomach drop. I’m not sure I even want to know. I open my messages with one eye open.

8:47 P.M. 

yep. that's ellie’s number. 

… 

Day 26

PHYS 302 : Quantum Mechanics 

The sun is shining in through the cracks of my blinds. My eyes are barely open. I feel the fatigue wash over me. The warmth of my bed is all-encompassing, but I know I have to pull the covers aside. My legs feel like lead as I walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth. The darkness under my eyes looks deeper than usual. I pulled an all-nighter studying for the exam today. I’m debating if I have enough time to run to the coffee shop down the street. I’m in desperate need of caffeine. 

I end up walking to get coffee.I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my eyes open without it. The wind is starting to have a chill to it as summer slowly bleeds away. The bell rings as I walk in the door. This is the coffee shop I originally met Dina in. Her hair was shorter then. Our friendship continued to develop the more and more I came here. Then we found out we were working together at the tutoring center, and well the rest is history. 

…

Walking into class with my iced latte in hand, I see Ellie. Her hair looks more disheveled than usual and her clothes wrinkled. Maybe I’m not the only one who pulled an all-nighter. 

I’m not sure if the caffeine is helping me or just making my anxiety worse. Despite my fear that I may not have studied enough, I feel confident. I tell myself today is going to be the day I’ll be setting the curve. Not Ellie. Staying up all night is going to be goddamn worth it when I see that smirk Ellie wears off her face. 

I look over at her as I sit down. She’s still biting her nails, but she doesn’t look at me. 

I shift my body to look at her. She finally looks up from her notes. I whisper to her “Goodluck Ellie.” 

Ellie looks at me and winks. She is wearing her exhaustion on her face, but her self-assurance is ever-present, “Goodluck to you too, sweetheart.” 

I turn back around seething. The heat is rising to my cheeks, but I don’t have time to think further because Dr. L starts handing out our exams. I’m ready for it.

… 

I’ve been anxiously pacing my room. Biting my nails even. I think Ellie is rubbing off on me. I dismiss the thought of becoming more like Ellie. The grades are going to be out tonight in 20 minutes. I continue walking back and forth on the hardwood floors of my room. I need to distract myself for just a little while longer. Instead, I keep brooding over my conversations with Ellie and the moment this exam score will come out. 

Only a few minutes are left until the email will pop up in my inbox. I spend this time running over the exam in my head again. I’m pretty confident I answered everything correctly. Well maybe except for question 25, but I think I’m overthinking it.

My laptop pings, and I know it’s the results. My hands are damp as I lift open the screen. The subject line reads Exam Results. I click on the link 

9:30 P.M. 

Subject : Exam Results 

Congratulations, 

You’ve received the top grade on exam one with a score of 100%. Take pride in this! 

Sincerely, 

Dr. L 

… 

I am buzzing with excitement. I shoot up out of my seat and sigh with relief knowing my hard work was worth it. I subconsciously start thinking of Ellie. How she feels in this moment knowing that I did better than her. I take pleasure in thinking that she’s jealous of me. Thinking of me right now too. I catch sight of Ellie’s note crumpled up on my desk. Before I know it, her number is in my phone, and I’m typing out a text to her. 

9:32 P.M. 

Need my tips now Ellie?

#the last of us #ellie williams #ellie x you #dina tlou #rivals to lovers #slow burn #forced proximity #ellie x reader #ellie williams fanfic #ellie williams x reader #mean!ellie #college!ellie williams #college!au #ellie the last of us #ellie tlou

[moose-mousse]

Next up! Scrum!

So... this may be a controversial post... I swear, no listen, I SWEAR that is not on purpose nor is it a goal. I hate that nonsense, but I wanted to give you a heads up. If people start talks in the replies or the reposts, be kind. Read the entire post, and their answers and consider their context before engaging in a constructive manner, or decide you have nothing to say that will improve things. And remember the hermeneutics of generosity. (Basically, assume the writer means well, and is just not good at getting their point across) https://nerdfighteria.info/v/ovrzKCQ2JTM/

I say this because entire books have been written about how to do scrum... which I personally consider somewhat insane. And it is my opinion that a lot of this is just the business management consulting scammers that again have taken perfectly good systems, concepts and words and abused them to the point of meaninglessness.

Because scrum is SIMPLE. And great BECAUSE it is simple. A bit harder than agile, but then, usually the way to the goal IS harder than defining the goal, so that checks out. So just like my post on agile, let us start with what problem is scrum trying to solve.

Basically, a company wants to be more agile. But just bursting open a door, pointing to some random developers while yelling "BE AGILE" proved a somewhat ineffective strategy (except for Steve, who immediately did a full split). To be agile you want the development team to decide how they want to do development... so what do you do when they don't know themselves? You do scrum!

Scrum (Named after the "All players grab each-others shoulders and listen to a super quick message by the coach" thing in sportsball) is a plan for how to plan development, analyze how you are doing development, and improve it. It centers around a team of developers (Usually between 4-8) and a constant time period called a sprint. This is usually 1-3 weeks. Then you do these steps: 1: Make a plan for the next sprint. Take the tasks that needs doing, break them down into clear tasks, and hand them out to people. Try to get the amount of work given to each developer as close to the amount of time they have to work on it in the sprint. Write these things down, however you want. 2: Do the sprint! Basically, do development. Each day, have a super short meeting where each developer explains what they did yesterday, and what they plan to do today. With focus on decisions they have made. Each person talks for 1-3 min. If you need to talk more, do it with the specific people you need AFTER this meeting. 3: When the sprint is over, evaluate how the sprint went. This is the most important part, and the one that should be spend the most time and effort on. Because this is the real core of SCRUM. Did everyone manage to do their tasks? Did some run out of things to do? Was certain tasks harder than expected? Why? What things we did could be improved? What things we did should be done differently, or not at all?

You write down your hypotheses, and start again at step 1 with making a plan for the next sprint, this time, with changes you want to test.

If you just realized that this is the very well known "fuck around and find out" or "The scientific method" as some nerds call it, then congratulations! You now understand Scrum at a deeper level than 90% of companies!

Now. There are 2 extra roles in the development team to make sure this method... you know, actually works 1: A scrum master. This is essentially just the poor sucker who makes sure that the team actually follows the plan, and remembers the steps that was agreed upon. They note down interesting things said during the daily meetings, the plan during the planning and the ideas and thoughts during the retrospective meeting. They are NOT a leader or manager. They do NOT dictate anything. Usually they are just a developer who have the magical skill "Being able to take notes and participate in the meeting at the same time" (I am a bit in awe of that skill).

2: A product owner. Sadly, developers have to actually make stuff, not just have fun. And the product owner is there to make sure that everything still centers around the correct goal. "To make great software for whoever wanted to software". If the team is developing software for a costumer outside the firm, then this is a representative of that firm. Ideally the specific person who ordered it. If they are making software based on orders by a manager or a marketing leader, then the product owner is that person. Only the person who wants the software knows what the software should be like. And humans are terrible at communicating so you do not want a game of telephone going on or the futile game of "Just have the costumer write down what they want the software to do, and then we make it". Because the product owner is often busy and so it is ok for them to only show up at the planning and retrospective meetings and it is ok for them to video call in, but their participation is MANDATORY. They MUST be an active part of the meetings or none of this will work.

We want the team to make changes to how they develop, and what they develop on the fly (The developers decide how, they product owners what). And if you do that without a constant line to the product owner, the project will go off the rail very quickly and fail with almost 100% certainty. It is also a great help because not only will the developers be able to get questions answered quickly, the product owner will also get a good insight into how the thing they want are actually being made and make better decisions. Wrong assumptions will be caught early, and misunderstandings minimized. Maybe a thing they want is really hard to do. If they want it enough, then maybe the hard work is worth it. Maybe not. You find out by TALKING.

That is it. That is Scrum. Now, you may already have spottet why so many people get confused on what scrum is, or how specific or expansive it is. Because what scrum is, is a super simple setup, designed to mutate, and test if those mutations are good. Meaning after a while, a team may only have the short meetings every other day. Or have tasks given to sub-teams of 2-3 developers. Or drop the daily meeting and have Sprints that last half a week. Or have moved some of their developers to teams that fits them better, and gotten developers that like the way THIS team works. Or maybe they have a extra meeting in every sprint with a select group of people outside the team that are experienced in working with what the team is currently working on. Or maybe a team does not want to do any part of basic scrum.

And none of these are right or wrong . The ONLY thing that matters is "Does it work for THIS team?".

You may think "But you just described a structure with rules that seem rather strict...". Correct! That is the STARTING point. Meaning very few teams will be running exactly like that, because most teams (hopefully) did not just recently start existing.

But sometimes you also want a reset. A team may not be working well anymore. Maybe some key team members have left the company or gotten other jobs. And it is decided that it is easier to go back to basic scrum and start inventing a new way to do things for the current team. Maybe the team think they might be a bit too used to a current way of doing things to come up with a new one. Maybe the team is dissolved, and its members put into other teams, and a new team is created in its stead to start from basic scrum with individuals from other teams that wants to try new ways of doing things. It is perfect scrum to have a team of veteran developers who have not changed how they develop things in several years because they by now know what they want.

You can easily see why this works, and why it is good. Because if a part is not efficient or the team hates it? Then get rid of it. And it is easy to see why Scrum helps a company become agile. It is a tool that facilitates the worker empowerment and grassroots decisions that agile set as a goal.

You can also see why many companies HATES this. It makes a lot of middle managers unnecessary. It empowers workers to want things, and trains them on how to get them. It stops managers from coming up with "brilliant" new ways to develop software and then force that method onto the developers. Managers who come up with ideas for products will have to explain themselves to the developers, and risk looking silly. In front of the pleb workers!!!. Dear god, costumers will get to see the greasy reality of how the software they want is made! And management have to knowledge that developers are the best at... developing.... And will have to... trust their workers...

A thing you will often hear in defense of not letting teams decide on how to develop, is that if everyone develops in different ways, then nothing will be standardized. Each team may use different tools, languages and architectures! It will be a massive mess!

Which is true... if you completely miss the point. Again, the developers should be free to choose HOW to develop. Not WHAT to develop. The product owner is the major force in deciding what features and products is developed, and standards like code format or use of profiling tools can still be required by management (Which is entirely reasonable).

But the teams get to choose HOW they develop those. A simple example, many people like placing brackets like this: void MyFunction(){ // some code }

But my team prefer doing void MyFunction() { // some code } The idea in scrum, is NOT to allow a team to go "We write however we want!". The idea is "WE decide how we get to the required form". I have worked in a team that simply had a auto-formater build into each of the team members command line tools, so when they pushed to the remote git repo, the code format followed the standard, and when THEY looked at it, it looked how the team preferred it to look. I have seen teams that wanted to work in a different language, so they used a Source-to-source compiler in much the same way.

That is scrum. It is a simple, yet powerful idea.

#codeblr #programming #development #softeware #scrum

[boyswanna-be-her]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm recounting all of this kind of mundane shit about BFR for myself because guaranteed I'm going to be trying to understand/recap this narrative while im lonely in colorado. And honestly I know it's gonna be easy for me to forget details and second-guess shit that feels so obvious to me in the moment. So if you don't want a blow by blow of this absolutely PG romantic relationship, just skip this one for now.

Today was really nice and the first day in a little while where I haven't had anything pressing to do. It was pouring at the clinic today--has been all week. Yesterday I sat in my front seat w BFR and we smoked a joint together and made fun of the one wet protester until the rain passed. Great morning.

We had lunch together at one of my favorite taco spots in my old neighborhood, and then we had to walk back to the thai place where we ate dinner the night before bc they'd left their sunglasses behind. We went to a coffee shop for a while where they patiently waited for me to be done with a working meeting on my laptop. Then we took a walk in the park in between rain. It was just seamless, idk. There's no question that we'll go do the next thing together. When the rain wouldn't let up at the park, I suggested we go to one of my fave places in the city, and I drove us to a giant used bookstore that was a few miles away.

I didn't realize until we got there that they'd never been before!! I try to take everyone I can there if they're from out of town, and it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite place to both take a new date and have a special date with an established partner. I don't feel guilty about taking basically everyone I've ever dated there--a good date is a good date. There's a lot of built-in conversation to be had and it's easier than a bar and free to wander around. We accidentally killed an enormous amount of time there, and we shot the shit about 20th century history which is my jam, so amazing to talk abt it w someone who can hang, READS, and doesn't have anything to prove in terms of static knowledge recall.

We hung out for a little while but they had yoga and I wanted to head home so we split up after that and it felt... weird? Like it always feels like there's this last step we are missing to our goodbyes. They forced a hug one time when we were saying goodbye from the clinic, but it was really early on and RIGHT when I was coming to terms with being attracted to them (like second time seeing them after having the realization) which means I was in ultra robot mode, and also assumed it was one-sided and they were just trying to be nice. Like I literally think I did a one arm side hug and they were so dejected they never tried again. Now we're weeks later and it feels weird that we're not kissing goodnight or something.

But I had the evening to myself and finally broke down and talked to someone from my real life about them. He was very affirming that I'm not insane, and just recapping the timeline to someone made it make more sense in my mind. I didn't even have to present half of my evidence for my friend to say yeah, that's going in A Direction. I just second guess it all for a variety of reasons, but for example when I screenshotted a text and sent it as evidence that I feel like they text me like a coworker sometimes, my friend pointed out that nobody in the history of neutral coworkers has ever crafted such a long and careful text. Which. Touche.

This morning we were back out at the clinic bright and early. My friend was supposed to join us but she couldn't at the last minute. Instead she dropped into the chat and asked if someone could fill in for her. If I didn't feel like we were already attracting attention (spoiler: we are), i would've REALLY preferred to jump in and say "noooo worries, no third wheel needed please." But we are getting a little visible. So I didn't. And BFR's friend jumped in to take my friend's place volunteering with us.

I ended up being really happy the friend was there though! The two of us are more like a couple when there IS a third person there, although the vibe can be a lot to navigate sometimes and I often have to shut down and take some time to myself. It wasn't unwelcome to have him there though. It makes the vibe between me & bfr more apparent, pronounced, whatever. We already have such a shorthand in common which 😍 wrow, communication fluency.

I invited his friend to lunch with us, and he accepted, and it was fun--I took them to my favorite Greek place which is legit like three blocks from the clinic.

Friend went on his way, the two of us moved to the next location: their favorite spot to work. I also love this location bc you can watch the afternoon rain and vape furiously on the porch without getting wet. Like I said, today was the first day in a while where neither of us had much to do in the way of work. They have been threatening to inflict their favorite board game on me for a while now, and it finally happened today. I am notoriously uninterested in board games (more like bored games amiright) but the combo of my biggest fan being excited to teach/compliment me on how AMAZING i am at it (rofl lying but ok) and the inherent fun of the game meant that I, uh, had a lot of fun, unfortunately.

We did two REALLY close rounds, and in the second game they almost fully missed a work call they had at 7:00 (I remembered bc i am insane but I also didn't mention it until 6:50 bc I thought maybe they were goofing on me and pretending like they'd lost track of time). Turns out they had been planning on muting and barely looking at the meeting anyway bc they didn't wanna stop playing--which is flattering but I'm also like "[Redacted], i already very much want the best for you, INCLUDING not becoming completely codependent and risking your living bc im so charming and fun" so there was a lot of me pausing the play and asking about the meeting.

By the time that was over, we were already butting up against the time we were supposed to meet their friends to lift tonight. We hadn't eaten dinner but they offered to feed me at their place which was perfect. We went straight back and holy shit their homemade leftovers were delicious.

Their friends came on time to lift and the first thing out of the mouth of the one who knows me better was "you and [redacted] have really been spending a lot of time together huh?" The two of us made eye contact and kinda laughed and BFR said "yep" and both made the 😬 face and the friend wouldn't let it go and repeated "you guys spend all day together now..." and my 😬 face couldn't get any more intense and he said "all day... today..." i said "yep we're pretty codependent." (I'd made the same not-joke yesterday when I was very truly pointing out that I don't remember what to do with my alone time anymore, and they not-jokingly replied "yeah we've ruined each other." Which like. At least we're aware.) Only later did I realize that BFR mustve been talking to the friend about it bc I definitely wasn't and there was no public talk about it in our shared discord so 👀 bitch i see u chatting in private abt me.

Lifting was incredible as always. Their friends who are a decade younger than us and sometimes join us, sometimes don't, really crack me up and I have such a good rapport with one of the guys that I think I lift better with him around (the one who was giving us a hard time tonight). He dishes out the abuse I give him while lifting, which I love. Between him and bfr, I feel like a fucking all-star lifter in that little garage gym. They talk positively about my form when they don't even realize I can hear them. Even so, BFR will not hesitate to call me out when a lift looks bad or I need a cue.

So yeah. It's nice. Hanging out at their place, being fed, getting let in on a LOT more inner details than I got in the first months of knowing them. That's all lovely. I always try to text them and let them know when I've had a lot of fun with them, and that's just basically turned into a nightly check-in. On Sunday, I got a very coworkery (imo) message from them about enjoying our time together, thanking me for my "wonderful company," thanking me for spending so much time together, thanking me for attending so many events with them, and saying that they are "definitely down to keep hanging out in the future." At the time I felt like "that's a weirdly formal way to put all this" but getting home to tonight's much more neurotic message made it make more sense (along w the feedback from a trusted friend who makes good points). Like it was a careful message because they are being exceedingly careful with me. They know some of my more obvious damage (all the psychic sucking chest wounds are hard to ignore after a few weeks of learning about me, and i've been going out of my way to be quite "warts and all" with them). They value our time together A LOT. And the more that I understand our similarities, the more I know that they're also likely really fucking scared to endanger the chemistry of this friendship by introducing ANY other dynamic.

Im finally getting to the end here. Tumblr will probably eat this entry. I'm posting it before a full edit--RIP anyone parsing this.

But the message that I came home to tonight was FINALLY a little more vulnerable, and essentially said that if I want to spend LESS time with them, I'm going to have to tell them that straight up, and that that'll be ok, but if so they need to lnow because this is the amount of time they want to spend with me (all of it), and they don't anticipate that changing.

So! Guess I'll puke and die now! Literally spent five minutes last night considering how I could smuggle them to Colorado with me. Also I haven't had anywhere to put this but since this is an all-bfr all the time blog now, we are going to go on a trip together to chicago in August! There's an actual reason to go other than lovefest vacation (pretty much a work trip for them that I've been asked to tag along for) but as we are actually finalizing the trip plans, it definitely feels more than a little bit like we are going on a lovefest vacation. Which is all the more reason why it would be great to not be hella conspicuous (even though it's a little fun being hella conspicuous).

Like I didn't need another human to come validate my existence, but I *did* need to meet someone who could threaten the idea that I'm ready to die alone. It's nice. It's all nice!! I'm definitely not crying and throwing up!!!

#i am not doing either of those things but i AM messy #the game is Class War btw #i felt like there were more items i was holding for the tags #prob just more conspicuous evidence that i am Liked and Cherished #if we ever get to the eventual reveal on this person idk what the reaction will be #theyre nothing like anyone i've ever dated physically #chemistry wise it's ridiculous #personality wise it's a win #i think the physical container they come in is part of what threw me for so long #I'm... not complaining that is not a complaint lmao #my biggest fan is more conventionally attractive than me which isn't RARE for my relationships #just like not someone who was on my radar on a physical level #until they started touching me all the time and making me feel like the only person in the room #bfr

[mentally-illenial]

My husband's friend and his family decided to drive out from San Antonio last night instead of sometime today, which is cool with me. They got here sometime after I went to bed, and I'm up and getting ready for work before anyone else is up lol, so I won't see them until this afternoon after work anyway 🤷‍♀️

Today should be very busy; due to natural forces outside of our control (crazy weather affecting the honey flow and general bee behavior) and forces within the owners control which were simply not managed well (the farm's needs and general functions being neglected due to a nasty divorce between the two owners 💔), bee pick up season has been a delayed, chaotic mess. A lot of pick ups were pushed back to this weekend; we had a few pick ups yesterday, which is unusual, just to lighten the burden. But we're really rolling them out today and tomorrow. And I've been expected to help run the kitchen while the kitchen lead is on vacation while also somehow being full time at retail. Yesterday I tried to get into the kitchen early to assess needs and make a list for the girls working that day; thankfully the butt-ton of work I did last week paid off and they had the bare minimum of prep to do. I still had a ridiculous grocery list to gather after work, and the order I placed for equipment from Webstaurant still hasn't arrived, nor the parts I ordered for the espresso machine that someone managed to lose 😒. We may not have lattes for breakfast service tomorrow lol. But I made a fresh batch of honeybuns, and had to trust that these kids, who have been coddled by the kitchen lead (their mom) for over a year while they worked in this kitchen, can figure out some basic prep and cleaning tasks. I had to teach them how to read a very basic recipe yesterday. 😭 They're good kids, just not good employees lol. I wouldn't normally care except that I am being held responsible for the well being of the cafe right now, and everyone else's mistakes are a reflection of my leadership.

I can't be in the kitchen again today, despite us being open earlier and longer to accommodate it being a Friday and a bee pick up day. Again, I'm going to try to jump in there as soon as I arrive this morning and assess the situation, then craft a task list and pray for the best. The kids are alone for the first three hours, then they are joined by another inefficient coworker lol. Again, I love this gal; she's one of my favorite people at the farm in general. But she's an unattached college kid who doesn't really care if the day is a nightmare or not, so she isn't going to be much support in making sure things run smoothly. During our last pick up, when I was supposed to be in the kitchen, I had to take over her duties in retail organizing and initiating the bee pick up event, because she simply didn't care. She showed up late and put in zero effort to initiate the event, let alone understand what was needed of her to communicate properly with the customers. The kitchen lead and I had to run bee pick up while the bee keepers caught up, it was a nightmare. And the girls were left to the few but steady customers that came to the cafe, and it was overwhelming for them when it needn't have been. They should be more than capable by now of running the place on their own, but obviously they weren't the issue that week. I'm just hoping to glob that they can hold on for dear life today lol. I'll be in the kitchen for breakfast service tomorrow, then back to retail to help run pick ups in the afternoon.

I'm not exhausted or stressed at all, why do you ask??

Puppy tax:

#personal fitblr #2023 me #bee farm

[thessalian]

Thess vs Damage Assessment

Right. Brief break before errands that need to be run before the overtime, and deciding whether I should put in the effort on dinner before putting in more overtime or use it as another break. Because ... okay, this is getting to be a thing and it's not just that we're busy.

I mean, that's part of it. We have more doctors reporting than we've ever had, and today they've done over three hundred reports between them, and they're not even fucking done yet. Part of the reason I'm having break now is that if I go back to it after 6pm, the doctors should have finished and I'll know what I'm dealing with. Still, even at this particular stage, I can tell this week is going to mean a lot of overtime.

Especially if the new girl keeps on as she is. As a matter of curiosity, I went through the archives of stuff we've actually typed, mostly to see how many I got through today between 11:00-16:30 (100, if you were curious - that's including the time it took to start sorting out two separate hardware problems on the doctors' end, a couple of flagging up of places where dictation was just not up to par, and the half-hour digging referred cases out of the system to email to the relevant hospital). I happened to notice the new girl's name in the queue because I was going by Last User to find my own, and happened to hit New Girl in the scroll. Want to know how many she managed between 09:00-16:30? Forty.

Fucking forty, she did, in the same time as I managed a hundred. With other shit I needed to get done. And each and every one of them was under two minutes. How? How the fuck is she still working here if she can't pick up the damn pace?!? I can't even face looking at Temp's numbers. I just ... can't.

I was hoping that I could pull maybe an hour, hour and a half of overtime per day and make a reasonable dent, but the next couple of days are going to be 2.5 hours minimum, probably three or more. Because neither Temp nor New Girl have any sense of urgency and Scruffman doesn't want to push them because of that whole thing about him being massively non-confrontational. Hell, he's been doing some himself, mostly when I'm not here, because they drown when I'm not here.

If I don't get the most beautiful performance review this year, I'm going to murder somebody.

Right. Now I have to go out into the cold and dark and pick up my prescription, and also some greaseproof paper, tin foil, and clingfilm. Because I did all manner of shopping yesterday and forgot those three very basic essentials. Because fibro fog and stress.

Oh, I should take out the garbage on my way out.

Heeeeeeeeelp. I swear I do nothing fun anymore. I work, I cook, I become loaf, I manage maybe a half-hour of video game in the morning to wake myself up a little, and that's been it for weeks. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to the holidays like this.

Right. Stalling. Off with the comfy Foozies, on with the shoes, let's go.

#Thess has a day job

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

2. No. I can take this. I am not going to go looking for speed.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Are you sure? Ready to live as this pathetic shell of yourself for days? Basically a week? Let's be honest -- two weeks, maybe three? You won't make it. Half the town will be dead by then. You will be fired.

Who am I kidding? Of course I want some speed. (Opt in.)

That's a lie. I can do this without the speed. Half the town won't be dead... (Opt out.)

+5 XP

ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Suit yourself, slow, sad shell-man. See how you do without your spark.

MIRROR - A mirror hangs on the bathroom wall. In it -- your face, adorned with *The Expression*.

There's a new check here.

3. [Interfacing - Challenging 12] Use your chaincutters to fix the faucet. Stop steam from fogging up the mirror.

INTERFACING [Challenging: Failure]- The chaincutters slip out of your hands as you attempt to twist the faucet into place. Well, you know one thing for sure -- you've probably never been a plumber.

4. [Let the mirror be for now.]

The Whirling is busy today. Kim is already here talking to Garte.

"Good morning."

KIM KITSURAGI - "Morning." He gives you a quick nod.

"Looks like we can get to work at once. The Union muscle turned up." He points to the mess hall doors. "They look rowdy. We should talk to them."

"Why do we need to talk to them?"

"What do you mean 'rowdy'?"

"Are these the men Garte told us about yesterday?"

"Let's roll." [Leave.]

KIM KITSURAGI - "Everything points to the Dockworkers' Union: the *belt* used for hanging him, the circumstances in Martinaise, my preliminary information..."

"Which may, of course, all be wrong. But we still need to talk to them -- and it won't be easy."

2. "What do you mean 'rowdy'?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "I mean ungovernable. Martinaise isn't exactly enthusiastic about the RCM being here. They prefer to be *policed* by the Union -- these men here..."

"Men who drink beer for breakfast? There's talk of an armed wing of the Union called *the Hardie boys*, who are responsible for said *policing*. I think it's them."

3. "Are these the men Garte told us about yesterday?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "I completely forgot." He looks at his notes. "Sorry, I had a rough night's sleep. It's them, by the looks of it -- loud and nasty, just like the manager said."

"One loose thread less to worry about -- and one big problem to replace it." He crosses something out.

Task complete: Find out who is in the Union box

+30 XP

4. "There are so many of them. Maybe we should call in reinforcements?"

KIM KITSURAGI - "That would just escalate tensions. No captain would sign off on it. Solving one murder isn't worth a conflict between the RCM and the Débardeurs' Union."

"In fact, even the *death* of two detectives might not warrant an all-out war. So let's keep a cool head, okay?"

5. "Let's roll." [Leave.]

KIM KITSURAGI - "One more thing before we do..." He glances at the booth again. "We don't have to talk to them immediately. We can walk right past them, continue with our business."

AUTHORITY [Easy: Success] - Good. A power move. *Purposefully* concentrate on something else first.

KIM KITSURAGI - "They're in no hurry to leave -- they think they own the place... Anyway, I leave that choice to you. Whatever you decide is fine by me."

I quickly check if Garte has anything new for us (he doesn't.) Then Lena.

LENA, THE CRYPTOZOOLOGIST'S WIFE - "Just a moment." The old woman turns back to the cafeteria manager.

"And there's no public phones nearby?"

GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER - "The closest phone booth is down the coast. Sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am." The cafeteria manager appears genuinely apologetic.

LENA, THE CRYPTOZOOLOGIST'S WIFE - "It's fine, I understand. Thank you anyway." She turns back to you with a weary smile. "I'm glad to see you again, dear."

SUGGESTION [Medium: Success] - The lady is distressed. Perhaps something more up-beat might cheer her up?

#disco elysium #kim kitsuragi #garte the cafeteria manager #lena the cryptozoologist's wife

[voidthewanderer]

Edit: DEFINITELY not going to have it in a presentable state. This has turned into the week from hell.

Definitely don’t think I’m gonna have today’s ockiss even in a presentable sketch state, but honestly? I’m OK with that. I last minute went ambitious with it and I think it’ll be a nice way to show the dynamic between Arsenic, Crow, and Ripper’s relationship. I’m also going large for tomorrow’s too.

Thankfully, I’m off this upcoming Friday, so I should be able to get quite a bit done to at least have presentable sketches for the remainder of the week and the days I miss. The annoying reality of working retail 😔😔 no consistent work days.

Like, I will fully take blame for working today instead of yesterday. But a lot happened all at once and I just wasn’t mentally available to work. However, it gave me two really annoying midshifts in a row, followed by an opening. I don’t mind midshifts, but 12-8:30 ones are just annoying.

I don’t know if I’ll hold the same candle to it once I’m out on my own, but I don’t ever feel like I can get much of anything done when I work a 12-8:30 midshift. I’m not home during peak hours that I can do household chores. And since I live with five other people, it’s not like I can just do this stuff when I first wake up or when I get home. They have their own structure that they follow exactly (mostly because it pisses my father off if we don’t follow his exact schedule). It just sucks because it cuts into my time to do basically anything.

That being said! Due to knowing I’m going to miss a few days worth of this, I’m gonna have a bonus piece based off of an absolutely ridiculous pose I found while looking for references. I just have no idea who the hell I’m gonna use for it, that’s how ridiculous it is.

#shut it void #I know I’m gonna use ripper for the one but he doesn’t have a partner (yet) so idk who I’m gonna put #not unless someone wants to see their she/her/they/them character kissing my punk ghoul 👀 #also someone PLEASE remind me to dig up my morpho books because I really need the goddamn clothing one especially

[purplesurveys]

1500

What was the last thing you purchased off of Amazon? We don’t have Amazon. But the last thing I bought online apart from food deliveries is a screwdriver for my laptop. Some soil got inside and I didn’t feel like going to a repair shop to get fixed because monies so I got a screwdriver to open my laptop up and shake all the dirt out. But then everyone around me was like “noooooo don’t do that you might poke something and make it worse, just take it to a professional,” so in the end I got swayed. I’ve never even opened the package, it’s just sitting in my room lol.

What are you wearing right now? I have on this cool shirt I saw at Uniqlo that basically has a printout of one of Jean-Michel Basquiat’s works; and my favorite denim jeans. White Chucks. I was supposed to be headed home after my me-time today but it’s been raining all afternoon and evening and the way to my house is apparently flooded already, so I took a detour to a (surprise surprise) Starbucks in the meantime to let the weather and the flood subside.

What is the best thing that’s happened to you in the last week? I can’t pick between J-Hope’s album coming out yesterday and being able to visit a museum today. Do you drink tea or coffee every day? I have coffee everyday. I need to, or else I’ll be a little bitchy for the day.

Where is your best friend right now? Survey-taker’s note: I got curious while answering this survey, looked around, and found out I took this a little less than four months ago lmao. Whatever, I’ll just take it again.

I’m not sure, but it certainly seems she’s out doing something with Hans every weekend. I’m guessing she’s at least not home - I’ll assume that much.

Would you rather read a novel or watch a movie? Watch a movie. It’s been a long while since I’ve grown out of reading novels.

Do you have any significant medical problems? Just scoliosis.

How old were you when you had your first crush? I was around 12 when I had that funny little crush on Andi. Cute how I never realized it at the time.

Name something that is the same color as your eyes. Dark chocolate.

What is something that you haven’t done since before this pandemic? Enter a building in my alma mater.

Have you had COVID? Yes, safe to assume I caught it when some of my immediate family got it at the start of this year. I was asymptomatic the entire time, though.

Have you lost anyone to COVID? Yes. I have a great-aunt and uncle (they were married) who got COVID and died days apart of one another.

When was the last time you rode a bike? At the start of the pandemic when I thought I finally had the time to learn while the world was put on pause. In the end, I did have the time – I just never used it to learn HAHAHAHA.

What grocery store to you shop at the most? My parents shop at local brands you wouldn’t know about. Do you like cottage cheese? I don’t think I’ve tried it at all, actually. But I’d love to taste it. What is one thing you would do differently if you could go back and change the past? I don’t believe in changing in the past, even if it’s hypothetical. I’ve always felt like tinkering with it in the slightest would affect where I am now; and that’s just always stressful to think about, lol. Does anything on your body hurt right now? My shoulders are sore as always. Other than that, my body’s fine.

What’s your favorite song at the moment? J-Hope’s Arson. I didn’t want to end up having a title track as my favorite LOL but it’s so fucking good. As for Jack in the Box b-sides, What If is my favorite.

How do you discover new music? Usually through Spotify Radio. Not that this happens a lot because my music taste has been on BTS lockdown since last year, lmao.

What was the last flavor of tea you drank? I rarely drink tea and can’t even remember the last type I had. Do you have a balcony? Technically, we do; but it’s been refurbished several years ago to become an extra bedroom. We do have a rooftop though.

What do you think would be a good name for a cat? Idk. It’d have to depend on the personality.

List three things that you love about your favorite season. I don’t *really* have a favorite season, but conceptually I’m partial to winter because of the snow, the long nights, and the cold climate.

When was the last time you ate a salad? Start of June when I went to Nono’s and my order had a salad as a side.

Have you ever shopped at Kmart? No.

Do you have a common name? It’s common in that people know of it, but I’ve rarely met anyone with the same name, much less the same spelling since mine has a Y instead of the more common I.

Zombies or unicorns? Zombies, I guess.

Candy corn or conversation hearts? I don’t remember what I picked the first time I did this but uh right now I feel like saying neither hahaha. Candy corn is neither good nor bad, and conversation hearts are just so blah to me. 

Brownies or cookies? Ooh I love both, but I do love cookies just a teeny teeny bit more.

What are three of the most disgusting foods, in your opinion? Pork and beans, CONGEE, and most Filipino rice cakes.

What was the last restaurant you ate at? Apart from Starbucks (where I currently) am, I got Snack Shack earlier.

Where is one place that you have never been that you’d like to travel to? India. I’d love to go to the other side of the world but the rampant racial discrimination everywhere is just so discouraging. Just today I heard news about a Filipino getting physically assaulted in the US AGAIN, and it’s just gross. It’s why I plan to never step foot there for the most part.

Have you ever had a migraine? Yeah but fortunately it’s never been often. I’ll get it every now and then but I would usually only get a headache.

Have you ever had a migraine with aura? Idk what that is so probably not.

What’s one medication that you take every day? I don’t take anything on the daily.

What color is your wristwatch? I don’t wear watches.

Do you like sushi? I love love love sushi. Any seafood, basically.

If you could change one thing about your hair, what would it be? I’d dye it green already. But I’m still saving up and trying to lessen my expenses, so it’d have to wait.

How many laptops have you owned? This is my first laptop that was bought solely for me. I had like two or three laptops before these that were hand me downs from my dad. How many cell phones have you owned? I don’t feel like counting rn but it’s definitely been a lot. I’m not the best at taking care of phones and making them last long, lol.

What are three of your favorite Pinterest boards? I never use Pinterest.

Do you have a YouTube channel? Yes, but only for subscribing and curating my homepage. I never use it to post videos or comments.

Who was your third grade teacher? Her name was Adette and she taught math.

If you wear glasses, how old were you when you started wearing them? I was 11, but to be honest I needed them earlier - probably since I was 9 or 10? My mom just thought I was making a fuss and she was under the impression that I only wanted glasses to look like the other kids, so my vision suffered a lot back then and so did my grades (because I could barely see what’s on the blackboard anyway). She only promptly shut up when the school already sent her a notice that I was in dire need of glasses.

Are you happy with your life right now? Yes. I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I’m likely under a new wave of depression, but growth has taught me to cope with it a lot better than I used to two years ago. That being said, I still am happy with what and who I have in life. What is your favorite pizza topping? Barbecue sauce/chicken, cheese, bell peppers.

How many pullover hoodies do you own? Two. I definitely need more though.

Do you prefer to take showers in the morning or evening? Evening. 

What’s the weather like today where you live? It’s been rainy with lots of thunder and lightning. And has it been HUMID as all fuck. I’m just glad I’ve been in air-conditioned rooms all day, lmao.

List five words to describe yourself. Ambitious but prone to burnout.

Do you feel like your personality fits your zodiac sign? I feel like my personality fits with all the zodiac signs to some extent because isn’t that how it works anyway? It’s all generic traits.

List three youtubers you like to watch. Apart from Good Mythical Morning, I’m mostly over my YouTuber phase by now and usually jus tune into compilatio creator.

Would you ever want to be a youtuber for a living? Not for a living but it would be cool to do as a hobby. If I only had the right camera and the skills to edit I woul have already started on it years ago.

What’s one thing about you that people might be surprised to find out? Knowing I’m into wrestling is a surprise for most people.

Do you own any antiques that were family heirlooms? If we have any, they haven’t been passed onto me.

Do you have any role models, and if so, who is one person you admire? No, I don’t have any. I try to pave my own way.

Do you like to read? Continued from last night. I used to, but like I said, I’ve grown out of the hobby.

What is your favorite type of chocolate? I like all of them, tbh. The only instance I wouldn’t like chocolate as much is if it came with nuts.

Would you rather drink hot chocolate, hot tea, hot apple cider, or hot coffee? Hot chocolate! But generally I don’t like hot beverages, so you’re more likely to see me waiting it out until the chocolate considerably cools down.

Do you like to watch cartoons? Not so much. Sometimes I’ll be in the mood, and then I’ll maybe watch one or two episodes til I start feeling it’s too childish for my liking.

What is one thing you like that a lot of people don’t? Intestines.

What is one thing that everyone else seems to like that you don’t? Fruits.

When was the last time you went swimming? April, when I celebrated my birthday at Zambales.

Do you own a lava lamp? Nope.

Owls or penguins? I don’t really have a preference. Do you own a pair of pants with the word “Love” on them? I do not.

What are three of your favorite clothing stores? H&M, Uniqlo, Nike.

Do you wear yoga pants? No.

What were three of your favorite gym class activities in elementary school? Table tennis, track, and football.

Have you ever been to church? Yeah, every Sunday.

Do you get stage fright? It’s never occurred to me. I’m fine with being on a stage for the most part, as long as I have a good idea of what I’m going to do or say.

What’s something you think is amazing? Outer space. Do you like Arizona green tea? It’s fine. I had it a few times before when Tumblr decided it was a cool thing, and while it wasn’t anything to write home about it wasn’t too bad either.

Monkeys or llamas? I like both animals.

How many months until your birthday? 9 months.

Who was the last of your friends to have a baby? None of them have had babies.

What is one of your favorite baby names? Mia.

Do you like to dance? By myself. Socially only when I’ve had a few drinks.

Have you ever taken a tap dance class? I haven’t, but I’ve come close! I was once granted units for a tap dancing class for PE, back in college. But the classes were 2 hours long and started at 7 AM, so eventually I backed out because I didn’t want to have to go through the process of searching for people with a spare pair of tap dancing shoes. And because I didn’t want to be at school at 7 AM for a PE class, of course.

Would you rather travel to Europe or Asia? I’d rather stay in Asia.

What’s your favorite vegetable? Broccoli.

List three positive adjectives that start with the letter of your first name. Rad, radiant, ravishing.

Do you wear leggings? Rarely. I hate how uncomfortable they are.

What was the last thing you ate that had chocolate in it? Chocolate doughnut from Starbucks.

What was the last thing you ate that had cheese on it? The burger and fries I got from a burger place in UP.

Do you like macaroni and cheese? Yesssssssss.

#survey #surveys

[andswarwrites]

I'm not sure how I'm going to write today, when I'm listening to a combination of show tunes and vintage country I compiled this morning.  I've shed a few tears.  It's just the right kind of day for this: it's cloudy, gloomy, rainy, cool and damp.  With music I am lighting a comforting flame to warm my hands and heart, to prop my feet up and immerse myself in the glow of nostalgia.  I'm not always singing along out loud, though at times the words burst forth from my mouth.  I'm singing along on the inside, lyrics I have known for decades, they fill my head, they move me in a way I have difficulty expressing.  Like embracing a beloved friend you haven’t seen in too long, and knowing exactly what they are going to say.

I worked on one of my projects yesterday afternoon.  I've got a science fiction novel just budding, I've got a completed dystopian novel to edit, which I am doing with my mom, and I have this sort of memoir jumble to compile.  To do that, I have to sift through all of my writing from 2022.  A lot of it is a detailed description of daily living, but every once in a while I come across a brief description of what life was like for me last year.  It's encouraging, because I'm doing so much better than that, even though it feels as though I am not living up to my own standards right now.  For example, this time last year, I had to drag myself out of bed every morning.  Now I get up between 7:00 and 8:00 AM most weekdays.

I actually usually wake up around 6:30 AM, not due to an alarm, but naturally.  Gone are the nights where I got sleepy and even dizzy shortly after taking my medication.  Gone are the mornings of not being able to get out of bed, because of being in a half-asleep daze.  I wake up, and I check the time.  If I have time, I roll over and close my eyes for a nap until the alarm sounds.  When it does, I either hop out of bed, or I lie listening to the whole song, then get up.  At times, I return to bed after my morning routine is completed, and get up just before it's time for school to start.  And that's another difference: we are so structured now, we even have a school bell on my phone.

Last year had quite the learning curve for me.  I had to learn what is involved in teaching a twelve year old girl a High School curriculum.  My daughter is highly creative and intelligent, but she struggles with her ability to focus and she has bad days every once in a while, where no matter if you threaten or cajole, it's got nothing to do with her work ethic or willingness: she simply cannot accomplish even the simplest task on her own.  She needs support always, but on one of her bad days, she basically needs to be led by the hand like a small child.  I've learned to identify when she is having an exceptionally hard time, and make allowances.  And there's a reason I do this.

I have bad days too.  Sometimes a bad day can turn into a bad week.  At least N-'s don't do that.  If I want to be treated with kindness and understanding when I'm struggling, shouldn't I also treat my precious girl with consideration?  I know the difference between being too easy on yourself, and genuinely not being able to function.  The end of the year is especially challenging, for both teacher and student.  We start strong in the fall, we make it through the winter months, and then in the spring, we basically fall to our knees and crawl across the finish line.  It takes a lot of tenacity, and it requires reasonableness, discipline, flexibility and insight. 

My therapist pointed out what an interesting family the three of us make with our personalities, our unique perspectives.  Essentially each one of us is neurodivergent in our own distinct way.  In some ways mother and daughter understand one another, in other ways father and daughter understand one another, in other ways mother and father are on the same page, and speak the same language.  And yet where we differ, we widen one another's horizons, we teach each other to adapt to and even celebrate each other.  When I remember how rigid my husband used to be, and how he has softened and adjusted, I am astounded at how much a person can evolve.

I don't like to say a person changes.  We don't.  We remain fundamentally who we are.  We can change habits.  We can break free of thought processes and superstitions that hold us captive.  In that way we can change, but in my personal experience, when I tried to deny who I am, because I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, that led me to inner conflict and deep unhappiness.  We have to accept ourselves, and more than that, we have to love that person.  I'll never forget how, in my twenties, I sat with S- and actually said, and meant, that I loved myself, and I burst into tears, because the familiar hatred I had lived with had disappeared.

I don't hate people, but I hated me.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  It's not.  With balanced self love, so much more healing took place, so gradually I can't even describe it.  I can't take all of the credit: I received a lot of solid advice from various sources.  And the love of the man who has been enveloping me and cherishing me with care and warmth since the summer of 2006 was a key factor.  I've always had his admiration and respect, ever since we met, but his love bewildered me at first, because I didn't know what I had done to deserve it, and I lived in terror of its loss.  Then N- came along in 2010, and when she was a baby, S- held her and fed her and changed her, bathed her and cherished her.

When N- got to the age where she started to express herself, assert herself, and take up space as is her right, I saw a side of my husband I had never seen before: he seemed to want her to be one of those children who are "seen and not heard," which was intolerable to me.  You see, N- did not have the "terrible twos".  She has a communication disorder that did not allow her to have a voice when other children obtain theirs.  So she wrote me a note, misspelled but clear: "Help.  I can't speak."  I told her I wanted to help her to speak, and she told me I needed to shoot her with the "speak ray."  I asked her where it was and she said it was in her room.  We went there and I "shot" her, and somehow she spoke normally after that.

S- needed to adjust to this “new” N-, chattering happily in the back seat of the car, making noise in the apartment, striking up conversations and, finally, asking questions.  I was so relieved, I embraced this development easily, but my husband didn't know what to do.  He'd rebuke her, which would lead me to defend her.  It's been gradual, but over time, S- has learned how to communicate with his daughter, and the closer their relationship, the closer I feel to him as well.  It was the roughest patch he and I have ever encountered, and if he had not adapted, I am certain we would have ended.  When I look at my family as it is, even with the looming challenge of raising a teenager, I am grateful for every day, good or bad, because it's a day I get with my family.  My amazing, quirky family.

#bipolar disorder #personal #neurodivergent

[thessalian]

Thess vs Slacking Off

Well, the good news is that Temp apparently has a sixth sense for how far to push her luck (or Violet or Milady have been picking up her slack today, either way), because she didn’t seem to be pulling her usual bullshit.

The bad news? Goblin pulled some egregious bullshit that turned a properly paced day into a little over an hour of pushing-too-hard nightmare and logging out five minutes past home-time.

See, even at our worst as far as workload goes, the thing we mainly try to do is be no more than 24 hours behind on the typing. It’s not always easy, but we try. And today it looked like we actually had it! I mean, only barely, but seriously, one of the last bits of dictation from yesterday was a twelve-minute monstrosity from someone who doesn’t normally do those kids of dictations, and whose dictation I usually dislike anyway because she’s got some sentence structure issues and will use ten words when one will do. Still, most of the rest of the typing was fairly okay so I figured I could take a minute to breathe and work at a regular pace for the last hour and a half or so before close of play. This should have been fine - I got the longer stuff done first so that I could time my day better, and was looking forward to a relatively gentle hour for once.

Except then I noticed that the number of dictations in the queue had grown a lot between the start of my two-minute dictation and the end of it. Like, I know the difference between “a lot of people dictating at about the same time” spikes and “someone just dumped a whole wodge from their queue back into the main queue” spikes, and this was basically the latter. And as it was 4pm, and Goblin’s day ends at 4pm, I had an inkling as to what had happened. So I figured I’d check just to make sure that there was going to be nothing from yesterday that would need to be done before close of play.

There were over a dozen reports from yesterday, all timestamped from before my end-of-yesterday chunk. It seems she pulled her usual trick of idling and chatting and gossiping and whatever the fuck it is she does to kill time, got next to nothing done on the typing she generally hates doing anyway, and then just dumped it all back in the queue when the clock struck 4. Hell, she was halfway through one, as far as I could tell - the one on the top of her list had the specimen details and clinical details typed in but she’d left without doing the main body.

Now, I know that you obviously want to leave on time. Particularly Goblin, as she lives a long way away and there are some timetable issues with the bus local to her house. However, it fucks everyone over if you sit on stuff in your queue for several hours, barely touch it, and then dump it all back in. If you know you’re not going to get the typing done for whatever reason, you leave it there, so others can arrange their workload accordingly. But no. No, she just idled through the last couple of hours of the day and then dumped all the stuff she couldn’t be bothered to do into the main queue again, so that those of us who work past 4pm would look bad when there’s this chunk of yesterday’s typing carrying over to tomorrow.

Well, Temp wasn’t going to touch it. I knew that perfectly well. So I grabbed it and got through it, and somehow managed to get them all done while only going five minutes past the clock. I mean, I’m paying for it now, but at least it’s done. While I may not like having to pick up my colleagues’ slack (because I really, really don’t), I do actually take pride in doing my job to the best of my abilities, and if I can keep us from being more than 24 hours behind on the typing, then that’s what I’ll fucking well do. Besides, knowing my luck, I’d get some of the blame for it splashed on me. I work too hard to be tarred with that brush, thanks.

Another bit of good news, though, is that I might not have to go into the office to help with the phones while Scruffman’s on holiday in a couple of weeks. I’m ringing to talk to him about it on Friday, but seems that there’ll probably be enough cover for the phones. I mean, this is good because after the bullshit I’ve taken from Temp and Goblin this week, it might be better to not have me share space with them, lest I throttle them both.

Anyway, at least I did the baked chicken and vegetables thing for dinner yesterday, so plenty of leftovers, and don’t have to cook. I think that would be a step too far. There will be a shops run in a little bit, though. Today’s one of those days when I deserve chocolate.

#Thess has a day job