For most of my life, I thought I was female, for the last 2 years I thought I was male. Then in recent weeks, I started thinking about my gender as like. A pair of shoes.
Male doesn't fit.
Female definitely doesn't fit.
Nonbinary almost fits, but it's like a half size too small and still isn't comfortable.
So in the end, if we're running with the shoes metaphor, I decided going barefoot was the most comfortable option
For me even, the idea of fit still doesnt,,, quite work for me.
I'm not a puzzle piece trying to fit into something else, I'm just like..... A human person who is complicated.
Labels don't, fit. They're just tools. I will never find a label that projects the perfect image of how I experience gender into someone else. No words will ever capture that. I use labels because they are short hand for certain things, and because they let me live the life I want to.
Labels are the compromise between the internal world and the external world. You'll never find one the Perfect because even if you did, not everyone defines it that way. There is no gender seed, there is no perfect label. They're just ways of communicating what you want.
Like, an example I gave at an lgbt youth group I used to run was about being chronically ill:
When I tell people about my illnesses, different people get different things.
To my doctor I describe my symptoms, because I want to them to know what things are causing me issues.
To my work place they get fancy list of verified medical terms which give me access to the bare minimum resources I need make the workplace survivable.
My friends get what they can do to help in that current situation, lower the lights a little, let me see your mouth when you talk, I need to sit down for a bit.
Restaurants get my dietry requirements. And what level of care they need to take about contamination.
Intrusive strangers get the worst sounding medical name because it makes them uncomfortable.
My notes app get metaphors to try and explain to myself the things I feel inside me the way the pain sits in my bones the way nausea is constructing
My teachers get a list of disorders and brief explaination and the accomodations I need.
All of these are equally true, and absolutely none of the capture the internal experience of being chronically ill.
Nothing I ever say will transmit and exact replica of my experiences to someone else's head. Instead I use the words that allow me to have the thins I need in that moment.
I am non binary because I tell people I am. I am non binary because I live in the world this way, because I perceive myself this way, because it articulates what I want.
Stop worrying so much about if you're [x] enough. There is no [x] they're just words we made up. Of course, words have meanings and subverting them entirely will lead to a break down of communication, but stop pressuring yourself to find YOU. Youre in process, you'll never fully capture it, just find the words that communicate what you want, to the world and to yourself, and you'll be okay
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