FUCK YOU, PHILADELPHIA! If you're dumb enough to get a drink this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Paddy's Pub. Bad deals! Drinks that are watered down!! Thieves!!! If you think that you're gonna find a bargain at Paddy's, you can kiss my ass! It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! Guaranteed! If you can find better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!! You heard us right, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!! Bring your trade, bring your title, bring your wife! We'll fuck her! That's Right! We'll fuck your wife! Because at Paddy's, you're fucked six ways to Sunday! Take a hike to Paddy's! Home of challenge pissing! That's right, challenge pissing! How does it work? If you can piss 6 feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no charge. Don't wait, don't delay. Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off! Only at Paddy's Pub: The only bar that tells you to fuck off! Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker! Go to hell! Paddy's Pub: Philadelphia's filthiest and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in the state of Pennsylvania. Guaranteed!
(after the classic “Big Bill Hell’s” parody car commercial. Warning, extreme profanity under the cut)
FUCK YOU, INTERNET!
If you’re dumb enough to sign up with a Yahoo-related site, you’re a big enough schmuck to come to Big Dave Hellsite’s!
Porn bots! Site structures that break down! Censorship! If you think you’re going to find a platform for open discussion, you can kiss my ass!
It’s our belief that you’re such a stupid motherfucker, you’ll believe our bullshit, guaranteed! If you find a better site, shove it up your ugly ass! That’s right, shove it up your ugly ass!
Bring your art! Bring your photos! Bring your waifu! We’ll fuck her! That’s right, we’ll fuck your shitty waifu, because at Big Bill Hellsite’s Tumblr you’re fucked six ways from Sunday!
Take a hike to Big Dave Hellsite’s, home of challenge posting! That’s right, challenge posting! How does it work? If you can post a flesh-coloured object or non male-presenting nipples, without getting flagged, you get absolutely fucking nothing! Don’t wait, don’t delay, don’t fuck with us, or we’ll delete your blog!
Only at Big Dave Hellsite’s, the only site that tells you to fuck off with your gender and activism that upsets the suits! Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the moment you respond to our @staff post, and it better not be NSFW or you’re a dead motherfucker!
Go to hell! Big Dave Hellsite’s Tumblr, home to the laziest and most apathetic corporate sons of bitches on the entire internet, GUARANTEED!