I wanted to Lose Alone………..
Being Afraid of Competing………..
I wrote a goal list for 2023. On that list was competing twice for this calendar year. I was so fucking afraid. Mostly afraid because I got my ass handed to me the first tournament I attended and I was really down about it. There’s this thing about me, however, that I hate to be afraid of anything. So, when I’m afraid most of the time I just run directly at it because I would rather go out on my shield, on my own terms. It’s like if you were going to get jumped and have your ass beat anyway, why comply with the ones looking to hurt you? You going to get your ass beat anyway, might as well start swinging and fuck it. You wont win but they not going home saying boy that was easy either. So, with that logic I signed up for the tournament at the last minute. Thursday night I signed up for Saturday.
My wife and daughter wanted to go. I asked them not to. I didn’t want the additional pressure since I felt I was going to lose like and I felt like my victory was in deciding to go at all. So, I asked her if she wouldn’t go. I was going to allow my son to go because, first and foremost he does jiujitsu so he has a better understanding of what he is actually seeing on the mats. Secondly, for my son, I wanted him to understand that doing things despite being afraid is a good thing. I wanted him to understand losing with grace. During the car ride he paused for a moment and asked me, “hey dad are you afraid?” I said to him absolutely I am terrified and my stomach has been hurting for two days thinking about it. I said but I don’t like being afraid ever so I like to go at it head on and win or lose know that I went out there and tried my best regard of the outcome I could be proud of myself for trying my best.
Then there was my friend and sometimes teacher and (apparently as of now) my tournament coach. I didn’t want him to come with me because I lost so poorly the first time out. He came with me to my first tournament and thankfully another of his students came as well. So, with the other student there it took some pressure off of me because even if I lost and he won at least it wasn’t a wasted trip for my friend. This time however, it was only me competing. God bless him because he is definitely going to heaven but this man insisted he would come coach me and went as far as to take a bus to Philadelphia to come coach me through this ordeal. I just didn’t want the pressure of disappointing him twice. I hold him in super high esteem as a human but as a jiujitsu person it really gets crazy. See black belts in jiujitsu are magicians, especially at my academy. Its hard sometimes to even feel like we are practicing the same martial art when you experience what they are doing to perfectly. All of this added to the pressure. I wanted to lose alone.
I have an extremely supportive friend who trains with me assists me on techniques and generally encourages me to continuously improve. He was a recent brown belt recipient and he was feeling the nerves of competition at his new rank. He encouraged me to go out there and try my best. I’m grateful he said that because that what I ultimately did I went out there and tried my best. First match, I went out there and I was so nervous and I zero game plan except to try and score early and give myself a cushion to work for a submission. I told myself just listen to my coach and allow him to be my remote control whatever he says I will attempt to do. I ran, did jumping jacks, and pushups before the match to make sure I could get some of the nerves out. Than the match began, he pulled guard I passed got to side control position scored, went to mount scored, but then I began overthinking. I was swept out of position ended up playing bottom closed guard. Then he passed my guard and I spent the remainder of the minutes remaining making sure he couldn’t score on me since I felt extremely confident he couldn’t submit me. I won on points.
Second match came. Before it began I told my coach I’m just happy I came to compete getting a win in the first match was just a little whipped cream on this situation. He said you know you could win this whole thing, right? We didn’t come here not to lose we came here to win! For the first time since even considering competing I felt like, oh shit I could win this motherfucker! So that’s when the confidence began I stepped on the mats a new man. My coach’s game plan worked magically. I won by submission an Americana from the mount. I rolled off with the fist pump of victory. High fived my son. Hugged my coach. Texted my wife. In the grand scheme of things, it meant nothing. But for my it was a sign that I was getting better and that I conquered that fear even if only for the day. I also got my second stripe on the belt awesome moment for me.
If life works out even close to the way I would like, one day I will be a black belt one day. I will be the new brown belt worried about competing at my new rank. I will be the black belt helping a student at a tournament who is shitting himself. I will be on those mats helping out the new kid feel comfortable and one of the family in the gym like it was done for me by my coach. I hope he’s there the day I get promoted to black belt because some percentage of that was earned by him too. And all the guys and professors at the gym beating my ass all the time making me better with each roll. So maybe I was looking at it wrong I was never going to lose alone even if I had gone by myself I had the whole crew behind me. Like my coach said to me, there’s no losing you either or you learn. But that day I happened to win, I’m grateful.
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10 January 2023
Time for some early morning BJJ.
A little less than 10 hours after the last BJJ session. The body is going to pay for this.
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