“If you showed this post to a medieval peasant you’d be hung as a witch” well, maybe, but you’ve gotta understand two things:

1. Your average medieval English peasant was not allowed to read the Bible themselves – even if they were literate, which was more common than you might think – and didn’t understand a word their local priest was saying on account of the fact that all services were delivered in Latin, so their version of Christianity was often very different from what the priesthood and nobility were practising. They were basically making it up as they went along, and were perfectly okay with a lot of stuff that would be considered deeply sacrilegious by modern standards.

2. By all accounts, your average medieval English peasant thought mild blasphemy was funny as hell. Like, the Church regarded this as a major problem in need of addressing, not that they ever successfully managed to do so.

Anonymously send me a fruit!

Apple 🍎: I don’t really like your blog, I follow because I like you! Banana 🍌: I love your blog content but I don’t really like you. Cherries 🍒: I think you’re hot! Pear 🍐: I wish you knew I existed Grapes 🍇: I wish we were better friends! Peach 🍑: I want to date you! Pineapple🍍: We never talk but I care about you! Strawberry 🍓: I have a huge crush on you! Lemon 🍋: I really dislike you Orange 🍊: I look up to you and I trust you Watermelon 🍉: I think you’re okay but I just follow for the stuff you reblog not your posts Jalapeño 🌶: Tell me something not on this list!

They are SHARING!!! THE HUT!!!

Everyone loves a Blogger Guy

Fact: the real reason that Twitter and Tumblr’s respective populations must be kept strictly separated is because Tumblr sexymen and Twitter inanimate objects personified as anime ladies with big boobs are actually the males and females of the same highly dimorphic species, and under no circumstances can they be allowed to breed.

She loves to sit on cold things...

ig: AccioBooksAndSunshine

The standard Tumblr “screaming facts about things” post adheres perfectly to the standard essay format they teach you in high school, so at least something our educational system is doing is working.

1. Introductory paragraph: state thesis and capture reader’s interest. (”All right, you [bizarre insult], I’m going to tell you some FACTS about [THING].”)

2. 3-5 development paragraphs: introduce each concept with a topic sentence, then elaborate upon its relevance. (”Fact one: [implausible assertion]. [Explanation of why anyone who doubts it is an idiot].”)

3. Concluding paragraph: sum up what you’ve just said and explain why the reader should give a shit. (”TL;DR: [a bullet-pointed version of whatever you just said], and that’s why [worryingly specific prognostication of doom].”)

Got a new phone and immediately used it to take pictures of crowbar

“I hate it when you have to leave in the morning. I hug you tightly to make you stay a few more minutes. I refuse to let you go, acting like a little child. Then you kiss me goodbye and I already miss you the moment you walk out of my door.”

- Lady With A Handbook

Here’s some ugly stuff.

Introducing: two good girls who really want their bellies rubbed

Will Arnett took one of the biggest potential queerbaits in history and really transformed it into a moving display of a man learning to embrace his love of another man. And he did it with only about 5 minutes total screen time in which his love interest was actually present and hardly any acknowledgement from the rest of the characters. It was like watching a one man show and he deserves an award if only for his delivery of a single line: “I love Tony Wonder.” I got shivers.

Being on Tumblr is less a matter of “why?” and more a matter of “what exactly is the alternative?”. Like, Twitter is a glorified advertising platform, Reddit manages to capture all the vices of Web 1.0 forum culture and absolutely none of its virtues, Facebook is fundamentally hostile to human life, and Pinterest is a digital scrapbooking service wearing a social media app as a hat. What’s left?

Reblog if you would also squish her cheek

Like if you would kiss her little nose

Ignore, and I’ll do both for you because I LOVE HER.

hi! i just nutted at superior!iron man huhu. anyways, can i request a ficlet where peter has a nsfw tumblr where he pours out all his thirst + wanting to be a good boy for his daddy and tony finds out? hehe thank you for your consideration.

We need more thirst for Tony Stark really. And who better to deliver than Peter? Enjoy!!

———

Like most teenagers, Peter was glued to his phone. It wasn’t usually a problem; Peter was courteous, and he put his phone away while they worked. But recently Tony noticed Peter was sneaking his phone out more and more during their time together. He’d rapidly text away, devious little grin on his face, and then quickly shove his phone back into his jeans.

It was probably nothing - Peter May have been using his phone that way from day one, and Tony might have only noticed now. But his small smiles and the light blush on Peter’s cheeks as he stared at his phone made Tony think that this was a recent development. Maybe the kid finally had a partner. It was none of his business really... Tony wasn’t going to be jealous of a phone.

Except he was. It had been brewing for some time. And it all came to a head when he snapped at Peter over a lunch break. He knew the kid was typing away under the table. Tony was in the middle of talking about some boring event he was supposed to attend. But he was planning on asking Peter to go with him. Now this.

“What is so important, kid?” he said.

Peter gave him a sheepish smile. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “It’s nothing.” He put his phone on the table, screen dark and blank.

“I’m just trying to talk to you here,” Tony continued.

“I know,” Peter replied, “I just thought of something funny and wanted to write it down before I forgot.”

“What was it?” Tony asked.

Peter let out a nervous laugh. “It’s dumb, something Ned and I made up,” he said, “You wouldn’t get it.”

Tony got the distinct feeling Peter was hiding whatever he had been typing out. The screen on Peter’s phone lit up with a notification. Tony’s eyes darted to it, though he was unable to really see what it said. He glanced back to Peter who’s wide brown eyes conveyed ‘deer in the headlights.’

Tony snatched the phone from the table and swiped open the notification. He’d seen Peter’s password entered before - his own birthdate. Peter jumped up from his seat. He reached across the table for the device but Tony scooted back in his chair. “Mr. Stark!” Peter whined.

Tony rose from his chair read what the notification was attached to. A post, obviously from a blog Peter was running. It read: “Watching Tony Stark eat makes me jealous of his food. Like, taste me too please!”

The response he’d been sent said: “Chew me up and spit me out!”

Tony raised his eyes to Peter. The boy’s face was bright red. He refused to make eye contact with Tony. He held out his hand to receive his phone back. But Tony wasn’t done yet. He tapped on the screen and began scrolling through the rest of Peter’s posts:

“Does anyone else cream when Tony Stark calls himself Daddy?”

“When Mr. Stark calls you Good Boy: “

“Seriously. I just want him to fuck me until my spine breaks.”

“It’s criminal that Tony Stark can walk around making us all nut without consequences.”

“Have you guys seen Tony Stark’s sex tape? I need to be in one.”

“Hey, Mr. Stark, I think you’re really cool, like you a lot, maybe we can... fuck or something.”

“Sometimes I just want to call Mr. Stark daddy to his face to see what happens.”

“I’d let Tony Stark raw me for a corn chip.”

“Tony Stark’s ass could save the world.”

“I just saw the outline of Tony Stark’s dick and I want to break my jaw on it.”

“Tony Stark invented Big Dick Energy.”

Peter wrestled his phone back from Tony and shoved it into his pocket. “I’m sorry Mr. Stark!” he said, “It’s just a joke blog. I’ll delete it.”

“Don’t,” Tony replied. He stepped toward Peter cornering him against the table. “Did you mean all that?” he asked.

“Um... yeah,” Peter breathed. He saw the way Tony’s eyes had darkened. Blush crept across his face again.

“You want me to call you good boy some more?” He purred.

“Ohmygod,” Peter gasped. “Please.”

“Why don’t you show me how good you can be,” Tony offered.

Peter dropped to his knees. “Yes, Mr. Stark,” he moaned.

ig: AccioBooksAndSunshine