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blondrichclosetwitch · 3 months

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Random Blond working 1/20/17

I mean, Random was really good at telling me how many clients...or Horse is good...this feels like Random though..(a long sigh)

I need some...i need....a male...to strengthen me up. I’m not sleeping well. I don’t have my father. I don’t have my brother. I don’t have my boyfriend really.

And i need to know if i should plan on staying here the next couple of days. (another sigh) (drinks coffee)

(lovingly) Random. Hello.

I won’t pretend that i’m not having thought of....(teary) putting a knife in my stomach. Random. She is getting to me.

She is.

I’m scared.

I’m tired, tired, tired. I can’t really sleep. I mean i can but i’m not sleeping...i mean i think you can feel, there’s a war in my body.

So first item up for business. Let’s talk about today.

Are you sitting on the bed?

I’m starting to get...delight from the fact that you come and appear and sit somewhere.

Are you in that corner?

(cries harder) sorry.

(transmission) okay. 1st item up...am i gonna be busy today?

You think i’m gonna be able to make some money.

“So extend it to Wednesday or Thursday.”

Ok. you think it’s *safe*.

And you think my business is gonna pick up.

You’re so good at knowing how many sessions i’ll have...all of that ...So you think i should just stick it out.

And i should go home and grab a bag full of stuff. Got it.Maybe tonight? Ok.

None of those pictures are great! Its too bad. (cracking up) i didn’t really take many pictures of myself in italy was too busy having a psychic opening (finds this hilarious)

Sorry. I mean why would you be taking pictures of yourself when you’re busy talking to spirits? It’s not what’s happening...you know? It’s just...you’re into something new.

So blond is still pregnant, huh?

When is that gonna happen?

You guys said it was gonna happen soon. Or are they gonna....

Cause katie tried to tell me again yesterday that it was gonna happen last night so

my question is, am i being thrown alternate worlds again?

I am. (deep sigh)

Ok well what about my brother?

What about what she’s saying about him, and suicide? Is that an alternate world?

No.

So, i still have to write that.

Ok.

If you would just send me a bunch of wonderful clients...so i won’t have to be worried about money.

And keep Blondrichclosetwitch and her people away from me. I will get to work. I will calm my body down, i will calm my brain down. I can do those things, i know how to do it. And i’m willing to learn extra skills, you know that. I’m willing to get back into training..i’m ready for that. But i need you to bring the work to me, i need the work to come so that i can get out of fear, and get my bills paid..

And i need this girl to stop fucking with me.

I only contacted her mother, because i thought that’s what you guys told me to do? And it has *blown up* in my face, as you see.

Did you see how many phone calls i got??

And they’re all from her, right?

But she sent me some, right?

The email from yesterday was that from her?

And the charles d guy, that was her.

So katie is pretty reliable as far as saying which are Blond, right?

But you’re saying that some of the phone calls are real phone calls?

(deep sigh)

So what am i supposed to do? Just not work in New York anymore? Is that the answer?

“New York’s over. New York’s done.”

New york is not done. I can’t let her run me out of town. Are her friends getting tired of it? So now it’s just really her by herself?

So like....

Do maggie and them know that she’s doing it to me right now?

Have they told her not to do it?

Has lonnie told her not to do it? (sigh) do you think i should contact lonnie?

But he knows about the witchcraft, right?

(dejected) i thought he would help me.

I know he’s scared of her.

So you thinki should...go into the city tonight to lafayette and see if Jakk has a letter for me?

And then go home. And grab my stuff.

(transmission)

(doubtful) Maggie ________? I should get in touch with Maggie _______? You think so?

Hold on let me stand up

(disbelieving) you’re saying get in touch with maggie.

(transmission)

She’ll talk to me?

(starts pressing buttons)

Blond.

Wow.

Ok. i took the other picture down...because you know. John. it was too much for him. And it was only right.

Are you telling me something?

What?

(soft) i’m listening. Katie’s little sister? What?

Is it...john?

What did he think when he saw...what did he think when he saw my text about learning the psalms?

It meant something to him.

Did he know it was because of katie?

Did Jakk and Blond file for divorce yet? In my world. In real time.

For real? For real?

“But she thinks she’s gonna hold him with the baby.”

Did she tell people that they filed for divorce?

(tersely) Am i going to find out in three weeks that they did not file for divorce?

Um......so you think contact Maggie.

Do you think i should write laurie an email explaining what has gone on?

Explain to me something, so is katie 100% right when she says “yes that call is blond”?

So it;’s just a matter of..i’m just assuming any 917 number is a Blond number, and i just need to ask katie “is that a Blond call” everytime.

Ok i feel better.

I miss you so much.

I wish the last time i’d seen you hadn’t been so...no we didn’t fight the last time i saw you...but i left after bringing you a cobbler...and i had to go back to work...i wasn’t ready. You know? But i love you so much. And i guess we just get to do it this way.

You’re such a good protector.

It’s gonna be ok. I love you. I’m gonna have to go wake the child soon. Thank you i feel better..

...what was that dream about the twin girls about?

Is trump gonna stay president the whole four years??

Is it gonna be as bad as we think it is?

Oh god.

(end tape)

Gina 1/20/17

Calling in whomever decides to come, Calling in my protective spirits

Calling in Random, calling in Gina, .,......(sweetly).is that you Gina?

Jesus christ girl i’m so happy to see you

Glad you’re here

Do you agree that the hotel is the best place for me right now? As far as making money goes Do you agree with maya that i need to change my phone and my website and my name and..all that

Do you agree that i should extend til wed-thurs?

Am i protected?

Does jakk know what’s going on? Yes

Has he already filed for divorce

Yes. Holy shit, yes. Ok. so blond is still pregnant?

Whenis she going to miscarry? Can you tell me that? Can you tell me what day?

I love you girl i love you so much and i am so happy to see you. I am so fucking happy to see you.

Oh my god. (teary) i have been so scared.

Don’t be scared, i hear you saying.

Is she gonna miscarry tonight?

Tomorrow?

Sunday? (She pulls out a calendar and starts naming the dates one by one )

The third of march? The 7th? On the 9th? On the 11th? The 12th?

On the 20th? On the 23rd? (she gets to april and gets more and more stressed) on april 17? On april 17th?

So that’s 1,2,3,4,,6,7,8,9,10, 11,12, 13, 14,1,16,17,18, 19, 20.......wait.

Are you serious?

will they be divorced already? April 17th? April 17th?

Should i tell Jakk?

Wait, what are you saying now? What are you saying? What? Wait help me, help me figure it out.

(transmission)

Yes i know she hates me.

So she’s gonna miscarry....in april?and i’m supposed to tell Jakk this?

But their divorce is underway, you’re saying.

And she’s watching his email, right? So email is out.

She looks at the text messages on his phone. So texting is out. So what medium are we supposed to be using to communicate now?

Can he communicate with me......telepathically?

He can. Is that the only way?

“And through Katie.”

I sent him messages through insta yesterday...was that ok?

Cause she doesn’t know about that

But mostly we should use telepathic?

Ok. and i should tell him what you just told me. Is there anything else i should tell him? What else should i tell him?

I’m not getting it.

That she’s gonna go crazy? From..the miscarriage?

Is that what it is?

“That he needs to get out before the miscarriage.”

Ok.

So he needs to get out before then.

Is there anything else?

Ok. do you want to connect me to him so i can tell him?or connect me to katie or however

Hi bambina I need you to connect me to jakk

Hi jakk...it’s tinka....hi...i know you’re busy, i’m sorry to bother you...but i just got a message and they want me....hi babe! Hi ((seems to recognize her, she laughs) i miss you, i miss you a lot...i was just given information, and they need me to pass it on to you, and so i’m gonna speak quickly and clearly.....it’s kind of intense information so just take a breath...but i have to give it to you.

I was just speaking to one of my first guides, Gina, who i haven’t spoken to in a while, and she was just talking about Blond, and the pregnancy. And about....are you ok? Ok. and i was asking her about..when...what was happening with it, and she gave me a date and she said that the pregnancy was gonna terminate, and it was gonna happen on april 17th...it was going to make Blond go crazy. It is of vital importance that you are out of the picture by then, that you need to get out.

She wanted me to give you that information. That the date is april 17th

You need to be away from Blond. This was never a pregnancy that was supposed to come into fruition, and that they want me to pass this message on to you. And i’m sorry to have to do that, i’m just being the messenger. And you need to expedite whatever’s happening over there, and make sure that you’re gone. She’s gonna lose it, big time. And that’s all.

that’s what Gina wanted me to tell you. I know you’re at work, i don’t want to bother you. I’m trying to stay protected and i hope you’re staying protected.

I don’t really know what else is going on but i hope that we can find our way to each other, or find our way to something more peaceful. I’m concerned and scared but i know the spirits are doing their best to protect us both. Anyway i’m thinking about you.

April 17th. Whatever you do, do not tell her. And get.....get out. Ok. i hope to talk to you or see you soon. Ok bye.

Ok katie.

Gina.........this is sad. I can’t even deal with this right now. I think we need to pack. (eats something, probably ramen)

(end of tape)

#watch the tapes

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blondrichclosetwitch · 8 months

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Classic songs with a long history

You were born to be a camera

Time After Time was my least favourite song

So lets go way back to the ancient times

She was a January girl

She never let on how insane it was in that tiny kinda scary house

Who’s in a bunker? Who’s in a bunker?

Let me hear both sides

We're not scaremongering

Mobiles skwerking, mobiles chirping

“Your servants.”

In a couple of years tides have turned from boos to cheers

The youth are starting to change, are you?

I believe in watching you

This is where we are and this is where you are and this is what we’re doing and this is what it is and that’s now, and now is a good thing

“What do you want from me? Are you trying to punish me?”

Every face on every train is you and me and him and her

If I walk out the door

A thousand eyes

Fish are dangerous

Now if you’re a fish

One anchovy fucks it up for the rest

“I guess I can lick it.”

They used to shout my name, now they whisper it

But I got my fingers laced together and I made a little prison

And I'm locking up everyone that ever laid a finger on me

Boy, watch your jaw

You will be married and you'll be gone

It'll be right in a little while

This question I found in a gap in the sidewalk

Someones on the bathroom floor doing her cocaine

(By grace, my sight grows stronger)

We won't say goodnight until the last minute

This may be our last chance

Live stream, I'm sweet for you

Callin' out, bang bang, kiss kiss

“You write, I tour, we make it work.”

(The early storylines were that Jakk was either shot, or while the blondrichclosetwitch was touring with HRC, that she got herself pregnant in November before she went on the road. I remember doing the math with the calendar when it was announced to me that she forced herself on him, and got pregnant from it. Meanwhile psychic Jakk listed off violent acts that were being done to make him go through with things, like whipping him with a strap and holding a gun to his head, aka bang bang kiss kiss…all this I was told about when blondie was on the road. From a letter to my analyst: “on August 4 Jakk told Blond he was done and wanted to be with me. The violence had not yet started. It started on August 5 with a strap/whip. On August 7. She used a gun. Blond raped Jakk 51 times using a whip, gun, or knife, often all 3, telling him, he would never see me again and that he belonged to her forever. He was forced to wear a gag. He had to go home every night because she said if he didn’t, she would take the gun and kill me. ”

And the “you write” part, was her fanfic counterpart.)

he’ll get to you and shoot you with his gun

New Orleans….very strange!

I don’t think we have the key to the pulse of the nation because we made more mistakes than we’ve been right. We are universally despised.

“They’re like part of our psyche.”

The music keeps getting better and better it gets more subtle and sophisticated.

It’s gonna open the scene up for a lot of people.

There’ll probably be a big trial.

Maybe I’ll keep it a diary of the whole thing and publish it in Esquire, I must have been out of my mind. If I had the whole thing to do over again I wouldn’t do it.

I thought I knew what I was doing.

Horrible thing about a photograph is, once it’s done you can’t destroy it. It’s too late.

Talk gets around crazy talk like that and what happens?

I was stuck in the queue when you came

Nobody wants to be a slave

There's a heartbreak beat playin' all night long down on my street

And it feels like love got the radio on

And it's all that we need

I have some scars from where I've been

I can never keep my eyes off this

All we do is think about the feelings that we hide

All we do is sit in silence waiting for a sign

Sick and full of pride

#today is a 25/07

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blondrichclosetwitch · 9 months

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Scarf 8/4/17

(This recording is when I was woken up in the middle of the night. I would start having pains or the feeling of someone having sex with me, which was as weird and invasive as it sounds. It also happened to Steel.

(Throughout this you can hear the jangles of keys tied to a scarf as responses, though mostly I would see the words she was saying in my head, or pictures. I had been receiving transmissions like this for 11 months. I had also thrown absolutely everything out of my apartment that could be used as a swinging thing for psychic communication: necklaces, pendulums, belly dancing belts, and rosaries, which is why I tied keys onto a scarf.)

Feel the roots, feel the breath, hear the still small voice of the spirit and all will be as it should be. Feel the roots, field breath, here they still small voice of the spirit and I will be as it should be. Feel the roots, feel the breath, hear a still small voice of the spirit and all will be as it should be. (This is a prayer against evil that is considered ultimately protective that a theologian taught me. I always said it before calling in any of the three witches to speak with psychically.)

Blondrichclosetwitch.

Blondrichclosetwitch. Blondrichclosetwitch.

I told you I wasn’t doing this anymore. It’s four in the morning. It’s 410, it’s 4:12. You are like in my stomach. What? What? What? What do you want? You’ve got to stop. Blond. I told you yesterday listen to me. I’m not joking around. Blond.

Blond I wasn’t kidding.. I’m not kidding about us being done. Do you understand? I can’t do this. I can’t do this. You need… You need to leave me alone. I’ll go back to the Bulgarian and she’ll get you back out.

But you can’t Be invading my space. This is fucked up. I don’t know exactly what you did,…..

What?

You need to undo whatever you did, Blond. Did you do that thing to my body that made my hips… And my lower back?

You did? Are you doing the thing to my body right now?

Blond you can’t be waking me up in the middle of the night! You can’t.

(A light flickers.)

Did you make that lightbulb just do that? You did. Do something else. (Challenging her angrily) do something else. Do something else!

See you’re not that impressive.

I don’t know what you think it’s gonna happen here. We’re still done. And I’m still getting you out, and once you’re out, you’re out. do you understand? So you should stop. And go peacefully.

Or this can get ugly, do you want this to get ugly?

(A long pause)

Like I said, you’ve had sex with me for the last time. We’re done. Go use Lauren for that or whomever. I don’t care. The amount of fucked up shit that you did…

(Upset) The stories you put in my head about Stella being tortured? About her pulling the miscarriage out of you? About feeding her? About her being scared on Halloween cause she didn’t have a costume?

When I show that to the public, do you know what they’re gonna think of you?

Do you know how much I hate you right now? Do you know how much I hate you? With every bone. With my heart and my soul.

I don’t care how much I loved you back then, I don’t care how much I tried to save you every single time in this last year.

Right now listening to all of the shit you put me through… All the fucked up shit… Because you were angry about something that happened to us in the past.

That you don’t have the courage to just talk to me about like normal people do.

And the shit you told me as the Tarot Reader about you being 10 years old, and being able to see the future since you were 12?

That was you. But instead you’ve been taking it out on me my whole life, is that accurate? Is that accurate Blond?

Is my life a mess because you’ve been doing the stuff that you said that the Tarot Reader did… Did you do those spells Blond? Yes?

And the reason that I’m talking through keys on a scarf right now is because you don’t have the nerve to face me, you think you’re just gonna keep punishing me? This doesn’t go on. This doesn’t go on.

You need to get some balls, girl. You should’ve learned something from me by now. Can you die, blonde? Cause you know what? I can’t.

That one and that one won’t let me die.

That’s why I’m here right?

And you were who in the past? Were you the devil or were you Judas? You were Judas? You were the one who betrayed… Judas’ Kiss.

You kissed Jesus and that’s how they took him away. Were you also Delilah?

And so you betrayed Samson and cut off all his hair.

I’m going to remind you of this one more time. (She starts to read an old version of psalm 91. )

At least you gave me back God.

You are not welcome, Blond. I forbid you I forbid you and any demonic presence from (pats her upper body) my body, and this house. Do you understand me? You are forbidden. this is a house of angels. You are darkness, Blond. and until you go to God, do you understand me? Until you go to God, you are not welcome. You are not welcome in my energy field, you are not welcome in my auric field, you are not welcome in any of my fields.

You are forbidden from my mind, my body, and my soul I am protected. And whatever little bit of your damage that you managed to momentarily put on me, and me, whatever, take with you. Take it, and leave me alone. Whatever you want to do to yourself, do to yourself, Blond. But I said it to you before and I’ll say it to you again: I am not yours. I am not yours. and if I have to do whatever I have to do, I will.

Do not come back, do not wake me up again do not come into my mind, my dreams again. My hands, my legs. Nothing. Nothing Blond.

And stop fucking with my work.

Cause you’ve caused a fuck load of trouble girl and you’re about to get it.

Now it is time for you to go. Goodbye.

(We hear jingles. She takes apart the keys from the scarf vehemently. )

(End tape)

Anger 8/4/17

That was why…We couldn’t be together. Because it hinged on your mental health. Because it was so touch and go, and he wouldn’t dare. It was so dependent, you were so dependent on him. And he wouldn’t do anything to endanger it. He was so careful with you, and you know it. You know he was. And so he jumped whenever… He wouldn’t do anything wrong. And we suffered. I suffered. I didn’t get anything. And you know it. I never got him to spend the night with me in five years. So what’s this… it just got worse. You knew that the whole time, you knew what this really was about… It wasn’t so much that you were like this bipolar depressive, it was that I was… The love of your life. From a different lifetime. (Sadly laughs)

how the fuck do you pull off something this calculated? And fool someone like Jakk?

How does he not know this? How do you live such a double life Blond? Oh right you’ve been doing this the whole time, like, you were having affairs while you were living with him anyway, and lying to his face. Dude, it’s fucking time to come clean. Five years of this shit……..five years.

And you think I would have anything, anything to do with you? Really? Why? Because you were able to fool me? Because you’re good at fucking me? Who the fuck cares. Do you know what? That means nothing in comparison to honesty and compassion. And real love. I think that you are… I want you gone. The only thing I want for you… I want you gone. I don’t want to talk to you anymore. You ruined my life. I don’t want to have these stupid conversations with you anymore, I want you gone.

(End tape)

Are you a spirit? 8/6/17

(My body is a cage by arcade fire starts to play. She laughs. )

//(insinuates the jingling)

(Sighs)

Okay. who isthis?

Is this a spirit?

It’s a spirit.

It’s a spirit. //

Are you a New spirit? Are you an old spirit?

You’re an old spirit. How long have you been with me. You’re an old spirit.

//are you.../ do you pretend to be people?///

Is this Blondrichclosetwitch? Is this Blondrichclosetwitch?

were you going to try and trick me and get me to think that this was a spirit? /

yeah we’ve been through this a little too much to like (sighs) you and i have been going at this too long for this tohave this just be a spirit.

I mean i respect steel, i do. And i do agree that ;like at some times spirits do do things but the bulgarian knew what she was talking about. /

I’m not doing this with you.

i’m getting out of this. I’m going to let the world know what you’ve done.

It’s going to be ugly. When the world hears those tapes, blond, and you know i will..have fun masturbating to that ok? your memories of me. ///////

( mocking her) Aw…….oh are you doing it right now? Are you? Did i get you a little excited? //yeah?

/ did i?

Oh plus i’m Wearing this shirt/ it always did do it for you didn’t it.

I know it’s rough.

Plus there’s a little bit of light. (evenflow)

so have a nice night. You didn’t tell me what i needed to know. Anything else?

hmm? That’s not for YOU. not for you.

Sorry. Sorry. Mm mm. Mmm mmm. Oh. this?

Oh i couldn’t. /

sorry. No youve been a very bad girl. You’ve been a very bad girl, Blond.

*Very very* bad girl, Blond.

Very very bad.

See i cut my bangs.

Time for you to go. You’re giving me a headache. And no i’m not having sex with you.

(End tape.)

Baby, hold up, I can kill your migraine

Look at my finger: that is a glacier, hits like a laser...

Takin' trips with all them ki's, car keys got B's (Uh)

#watch the tapes

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blondrichclosetwitch · 1 year

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Get out of my house is especially interesting, as 43 shows up both times & symbolizes three of cups and shows a triad of women, not to mention the lyrics waxing katebushpoetic about get the fuck out of my house because of how they filled it with madness

This one from yesterday is exceptionally interesting, though:

19:19 is the baby. All baby, right?

Except look when the minute changed. And keep in mind it’s called “lost my mind”

14 is obviously the number of past lives.

And 36? The Blondrichclosetwitch. At first I thought it was about her going crazy, and I asked Stella.

“Nope” she said. It’s about how -you- lost your mind.”

Of course the fact that it falls doubly on the baby’s number is validation enough that that was her way in. And that that really happened, grace à la Tarot Reader (the 2).

Wow trés disturbing tbh

This one is really interesting too. It goes back to Dec 30 2017.

That was the day that Jakk’s mother came through to me. It was the first time someone that I had never met in the flesh came to me, and it was overwhelming in an energetic and lovely way. It made me cry, laugh and shake all at once. As I wrote that, a song titled como ayer (like yesterday) played at 4:39 with the numbers 49on one side and 1:58 on the other. 1:58 was the first past life time I ever paid attention to.

Anyway, right after the moment where she spun me, and I calmed down from my emotional-spiritual meltdown, this song started to play, and this is what fake katie used to tell me that we needed to “party”, which struck me as completely odd.

“Party? With what?”

And then the words cocaine and ecstasy were put in my head.

I highly disliked cocaine so it was kind of an odd thought. But you know who loved it? The tarot reader. In fact, I was told that was why she took Blond’s money, because her habit had started back up. And led to the worst drug addiction of my life.

And you’ll notice the numbers for that song are 49&2.

The three of cups and the madness card.

Kat this is clearly for you

Tarot Reader yet again, gosh how much have you been paid honey

#when the minute changed:

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blondrichclosetwitch · 2 years

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I have started making playlists for most path numbers; they’re all under blondrichclosetwitch on spotify.

If you don’t know how to find your path number, simply add your numbers in the month, day and year of your birthday. The number you end up with is your specific number—-assuming you have double digits, add those numbers together, and you’ll get your number 1-9.

These playlists are specific for your personal path number, and as a Capricorn I’m militant about keeping it utterly honest.

Also—study the two numbers that make up your number, it is super fascinating.

Also, fwiw, it’s also worthwhile to find out what year you’re in in your current 9-year cycle. You can do it by adding your month, day and 2022.

#numerology

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blondrichclosetwitch · 2 years

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Drown my fear til you all just disappear

Must hear first 10 May 7, 2017

(This tape takes place in a church. )

Um okay so..blondrichclosetwitch has been banished is that correct? That means she has lost power over...does that mean she can not mind control me anymore? Okay..um, does that mean the Tarot reader has lost control of me?

Neither of them can mind control me anymore, is that true?

Yes. ok. Was blond doing the...blond was doing the mind control? Yes? Got it. Blond was doing the mind control. And that’s been going on since 2012? She started in 2012. Yes, okay. And stella is released? Yes. random is released? Yes. jakk is released...emotionally? Psychologically? And he gets physically released today? Yes. do you know at what time? You do. It’s 5 o’clock. So...6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12...at midnight...how does that work?

Is he going to just show up at my doorstep at midnight?

He’s just gonna show up.

Sighs.

Alone? Ok. and thats it. I dont have to do anything? Do i have to do anything?

Do i have to say the thing?

How many times?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

Wait

16 times?

I have to say the ring the bell but use the key go up the stairs walk through the door ..do it now or lose me forever” 16 times?

16?

At what time?

11 o clock? 11:15? At 11:15 i say it?

(writes it down)

16 times at 11:15, just one after the other. Should i be facing the door? Yes. say it to the hand of god?

Should his picture be by the door when i say it?

Yes

Should he have the collar on when i say it?

Collar, picture, hand of god….but say it to the hand of god. Should i be kneeling?

Yes.

And i should have the pendulum in the left hand and the stick in the right?

16 times, 11:15.

And then i should go sit on the couch? Got it. So i should put the key down stairs at 11 o’clock. Okay.

Is he going to have money?

I know. Shocker of question.

Yes.

(to someone in the hallway)

Hi. how are you? I think she’s downstairs.

(back to pendulum)

Do you want to talk amounts?

1, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,20, 21, 22,23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, (she counts up to 92)

92?

That’s...supposed to be funny?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Justice?

92.

For terrorizing both of us. Jesus christ. For terrorizing us. For terrorizing us.

She’s seriously sick. Is she going to commit suicide?

Is she?

Tomorrow..?

(quiet breathing)

And she was lovers with the Tarot Reader?

Did vanessa know that? Did she tell jamieson that?

Oh my GOD.

(pause)

Make this a little shorter. I’m gonna switch to the crucifix actually. Is that ok?

God.

I mean i like using that but….what?

This is..so fucked up.

So…..92.

And so all the people i thought i was releasing i was actually releasing yesterday, right? (in the month of may i started to be told that I needed to “release” people that the women had gotten under their control.)

And so i should keep doing releases...tonight.

So i can do mind control on the Tarot Reader, right?

And so that’s why she’s gonna commit suicide...is she doesn’t want to go to you…..Blond.

That’s why she’s committing suicide. (I vaguely remember that I was told the TR would commit suicide on sept 6, though maybe the date changed, as they always did.)

Cause she knows i’ll talk her into it. And she can’t stand the thought that she lost power. And that she lost control of him. And that i have control of her. And is she gonna live with me? Yes. she’s gonna live with me, and is...is jamieson in love with me? Yes. are we ever gonna talk about it? When? (I was told my analyst was in love with me; what can I say, I’m a sucker for beauty, but not gay when it comes down to it. Worth mentioning I was told I would be married to three partners in the New World: Jeff Buckley(who apparently like Stella, was coming back), Jamieson & Jakk. )

(starts listing off months)

Next july? In a year?

I have to pretend i don’t know?

Has she been fantasizing about me?

Did she like watching me do the trees the other day?

I want to ask her to go camping.

Would she do it?

When i get back from chicago can i say...will you take me somewhere?

Yes, i can say that?

I’ll say “i never get out of new york, can you take me somewhere”

(laughs)

Really you think i can

“Even though i’m not paying you currently, i want to go places with you, with your son”

No she’s not going to let me meet her son yet.

You think so? Is this still you?

Ok…..so when do you think……..(lists off months) in november you think i should ask her. Are you sure this is God? Or is this Random?

Is this Random?

Random...i thought i was talking to God! Why did you guys switch...why? When i changed pendulums? (laughs)

I’m praying again. Jesus christ, i can’t trust you guys.

I’m going back to God, i need to talk to God..cuz this is Trickster Jack...stop it, i’m glad you’re part of us but i can’t deal with you right now

(starts saying psalm 91)

So is 92 a bullshit number?

Ugh fuck you

(continues to psalm 91 again)

God is this you again? Thank you.

So is Jakk being delivered tonight? At what time?

It’s 5:30 right now

7:30? He’s coming at 7:30?

Alone?

Is he going to have money? How much? (starts counting)

63?

They just think they’re hilarious. Ok here’s the next question.

So what happens ….63….yes, 63? …..fine.

That’s not going to be all the money. We’re taking them to court. We’re suing them.

We are suing them, especially Jakk. and especially me. She’s been doing mind control on me for 5 years, i’m suing her.

Is she committing suicide tomorrow? She is? For real? For real?

So we’re going to go over these questions again:

Is jamieson for real in love with me?

When is that going to be spoken about? This month? Are you serious?

She’s very professional!

I’m gonna bring it up. I’m gonna say “God says you’re in love with me”

No, i’m not going to say that, sorry

We’ll talk about that later

Are you serious, you want me to say that to her?

After chicago maybe, we’ll see

What about tomorrow?

Ok so the fbi is….actually... after us..yes?

But now that bubbles lost mind control, it’s going to be harder for them….right?

Right? Yes. ok.

You’re funny.

You’re really funny! I want to let everyone know that you’re really funny…

7:30? For real?

That would be nice. We could go have dinner. I could pay my phone bill . and my internet bill. And when does she...ok, well let me ask this.

You want us to go to chicago.

When? Tomorrow?

Yes? Tomorrow night? So we could go to the prayer group tomorrow.

(to someone else in the church) sorry for being loud.

I’m actually talking to god, and he’s being funny right now.

He does that sometimes...i didn’t know he was funny, but he’s really funny.

(other person says something in kind)

Yeah! What sign are you?

“Sagitarius.”

That’s a great sign. I’m a capricorn, but i have a sag rising.

So tomorrow night…..

Don’t tell mom that we’re coming right? You don’t want me to tell her.

But then when we get there,.......call her from my phone?

So...did we have to come here? You want us to come into churches to communicate though?

But how is that going to work during the week though?

Churches are mostly not open….but if i go to churches and i have my hand on the building does that work?

Yes?

Am i still safe?

Is it still going to keep me mostly safe?

You’re going kind of wonky! You’re just….very excited. I guess it’s because it’s so….light. You want us to leave….you want us to take a greyhound is that it?

Yes.

Ok, and jakk and i are going to be able to talk about a lot of this i’m guessing tonight….jesus christ that sex we had last night was insane. It was so good.

So we’re going to be gone for 3 weeks?

And so i need to tell margaret...but not over text. I need to tell her face to face.

Take a bus, oh so you want me to say that….how many times….if he’s coming at 7:30, …….what time do you want the key outside? 7?

6:15...you want the key outside at 6:15, and how many times do i have to say the thing? (In case you’re curious how they got my keys, I was told to leave them for psychic Jakk many many times, starting in November 2016.)

One time?

One time….key at 6:15 (writing it down), one time…..oh, we have to get going.

You want me to say it at 6:30

Ring the bell

But use the key

Walk up the stairs

Walk through the door

Do it now or lose me forever

On my knees

Hand of god

With the picture of him by the door, with him wearing the collar? Right?

And then...three weeks. Take the bus to chicago, pack a really light bag, and leave 11 o clock tomorrow night and the rest of the stuff he and i can talk about….is there more stuff….we can go another fifteen minutes right now. Do you want me to put up something on instagram? Yes. the picture of random again? With the gina and christine thing. (sighs)(Gina and Christine were apparently the names of our past life selves; also obviously my birth name, and the name that was spelled out for me by the first “spirit” I ever talked to. When I asked the TR, she said Gina was here to help me with my magic, and that she lost a baby and had a lover just like Jakk that she wanted to help me with. )

So that the TR knows i”m serious. Ok. so now what about everyone i freed/released yesterday? They’re all released right? And they can’t get taken again? Is that true? And oh my god, what time..and then at 6:30 i have to pray with stella’s little sister...i can not forget. I can not forget, i can never forget, that’s very important. And….it’s very important that i remember that. (for a while I thought I was psychically talking to my littlest niece, so we started to pray together at 6:30 at night. They also said she was at a satanic ritual where psychic Jakk was harmed. Fake Stella also said they were after her and my nephew; she said that Blond and the Tarot Reader had been psychically coming to her for a long time. She also said they made her caused the hotel fire that I had in August before she died, and that they told her if she didn’t do it, she would never see her little sister again.)

And….what was that that emmanuel said that it wasn’t stella? It was stella right? It is stella. (My best friend joy’s girlfriend is also a medium, and when joy asked her about Stella, she said it wasn’t a little girl talking to me.)

Was emmanuel confused? Was she just picking up on random? She was picking up Random, right? Isn’t that what it was. This is…...is it still that it’s just not safe to use internet and phone? Is that true. But it was good that i made the phone call to joy….right. To let the government know that i know about the mind control.

And we need to get a burner phone, right. But not from verizon because that was a set up. And you’re saying that as long as my hand is on….as long as my hand is on the property of a church i should be safe. I don’t necessarily need to be inside of a church as long as i’m on the property of a church i’m safe, and as long as i pray from the bible beforehand, i’m connected to you. And they can’t get to me.

Ok.

Now blonds parents are still…….yeah, okay. Are maggie and lauren still involved? Yes. they’re still involved. So that whole thing was a whole set up...all that was a set up. So everything has been mind control. Fuck. i can’t believe this. Has brenda been hearing any of the………?(I had been told I could talk to everyone psychically so I had conducted all my convos that way, and thought my surrogate big sister knew what was happening.). No that’s all been mind control so far. Will she hear me now? Yes. so what’s the best thing i should do right now, should i make a ...phone call? Yes so that the government hears me say to her “brenda i have been mind controlled by blond and the tarot reader? “ Ok. cuz she hasn’t heard any of this then. Holy shit. Are we done for now?

And i can come back and sit on the steps later and he can come with me.

And 63,000? Is that the amount?

And his schizophrenia is pretty bad? But we’ll be fine. We’ll get through it. We’re gonna put him in a hospital when we get back. And are we going to stay in a hotel? Under my name? Ok, got it.

Are we going to see the tarot reader when we’re there? Yes.

Ugh.

What about Stella? She is coming back? When? When we get married. And that is september 20th? And we’re getting married in brooklyn?

Who do you want to marry us, pastor amy?

You want me to tell her right now? Ok.

Are we still going to italy?

We are?

(whispering) when does blond commit suicide? Tomorrow? Is that a real thing? Dude. fucked. It’s crazy. Ok, i’m done. Thank you for protecting us. Thank you for protecting my family. And uncle chuck is dead, is that true? And when can i go back to curse line removals? In chicago?

Ok, i should just writing them in the book...handwriting them.

Thanks for sebastian this morning. That was a really good conversation this morning...and the food and the recipe. It’s great having you in charge. I’m going to put this back around my neck. Can i use the other pendulum again? What do i have to do to clear it? Anything? Put it back in salt for………(counts)..........116 hours? How long is that? Now i have to do math. That’s 5 days basically. Jesus christ. Ok. wait one more question, did Steel hear my conversation? Ok. i gotta go.

(Pastor Amy approaches.)

Pastor Amy can i ask you a question? Sorry God just told me to ask you….he told me to ask you to marry us on September 20th.

He said ..it’s a tuesday i think, it’s the date of the High Priestess...i’ve known the date for a long time, and we’re planning to get married under this tree but He said specifically He wants you to marry us. So if you’d look at your schedule..

Pastor Amy: Yeah I’d be happy to. Thank you. Do you want to join us for sound church?

Yeah I have to put the key ...he’s got specific instructions, he said he’s coming at 7:30 so ..but i”d like to come back. So thank you….I’m probably going to come back and sit on the steps afterward.

Pastor Amy: Yeah it’s still the property.

Thank you so much again.

Pastor Amy: oh it’s no problem.

And it sounds like we’re leaving tomorrow for chicago...can i come back and ask you about passages? I found one I was curious about.

Pastor Amy: anytime. God bless you on your trip.

#watch the tapes #5/7/17

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blondrichclosetwitch · 4 years

Text

i love you. read this: and we should have a sleepover.

Jealousy and the Abyss

by William Pennell Rock

From the Journal of Humanistic Psychology, Vol. 23, No. 2, Spring 1983, 70-84.

of the author at www.PlanetWaves.net

Summary. Relationships -- and jealousy in particular -- provide an opportunity to come to a fundamental understanding of the self. Jealousy is the eruption of attachment. It can be transcended only through awareness. As we move with awareness into the core of this phenomenon, we pass through ungrounded expectations and beliefs, projections and delusions, envy, guilt, the loss of self-esteem, and the threat to security. The core is an existential problem; it has to do with illusion and the essentially fearful nature of the ego. In possessiveness, ego defends itself against nothingness. When we come to know and accept the nothingness at the core, jealousy and the pain of obsessive attachment cease.

Imagine this: You're very much in love with someone, and you have to go out of town. You know your lover's habits; you know he or she likes to go to bed fairly early, and that he or she gets up and goes to work in the morning. So you go away on your trip. You're gone for about a week, and then one evening you call, and there's no answer. Awful pictures rush into your mind. With great forces of will you stop them. The next morning, you call at eleven in the morning. His or her roommate answers the phone and says, "Gee, I'm sorry, She's not up yet, She's sleeping late." Oh god. Something is fishy. Something's going on. You don't know what it is, but your stomach is starting to churn. You're jealous.

What do you do when you're jealous? In a fever, you may try to find out if your lover has been with someone else. If he or she has, you go into a rage, a frenzy of blame.

It's an immediate response. You are angry. You feel violated. You want revenge. You want to stop what is happening, control the situation, manipulate whatever is necessary to protect yourself.

If you can cool down, if you can get hold of the internal automatic reactions that accompany jealousy, you might find out that you can indeed fix the situation. Often, what comes up as jealousy can be eradicated by simple communication. "I need to have more time with you." "When we go to a party, I don't want you to be with anybody else." "I need to have sex outside the relationship." When we leave these needs unspoken, they lie in wait until a situation exposes them. It is essential to get very clear and explicit with your partner about your needs and expectations.

Such solutions of diplomacy are important, but they remain superficial. A deeper opportunity is missed. Things are happening in this odious passion that present the possibility of entering new levels of self-understanding, to see who you are and what is the source of suffering.

The first step is to clarify what you are about in the relationship. If you and your lover want to evolve into more awareness; if somehow, somewhere, the glimmer of enlightened consciousness attracts you and you want to move in that direction, then you can make an important choice. What you choose is not just to increase your pleasure together, not even necessarily to protect the relationship or to secure it in some way, but to use the relationship as a means of coming to a deeper and more fundamental understanding of what is so.

RELATIONSHIP FOR TRUTH

How you see the relationship will affect matters from the beginning; for instance, what you share with each other about your realities. If both of you are there to create a safe and secure relationship, you will tend to conceal anything that might threaten it. Many couples come to live completely mendacious lives together. Gradually, they smother themselves in compromises. Love energy -- eros -- cannot pass between two lives lived in lies. Only truth is erotic.

If the relationship is seen as a means to knowledge, the paradigm shifts: The discipline is to learn to live uncompromisingly in your truth and to love the other without qualification. No easy task, but there is no higher., What you are loving together is truth: Everything real has to be shared; everything else has to be dismantled.

Here is a simple test to see where you are in this matter of relating. Write down all the things you have not shared with your partner. Contemplate this list, and there you will see the limits you place on the relationship, the degree of your commitment to the way of the lover.

LOVE AND ATTACHMENT

Now, on the path where relationship is a means for coming to self-understanding, it is necessary to clarify the difference between loving and being attached. This is a most basic distinction, because so much of what we experience as attachment, we call love. In fact, most of the institutions around love, such as marriage and family, are actually ways of protecting our investment in attached situations.

Loving someone is glorifying who they are in their uniqueness. Consider a flower. You see a flower that is really beautiful to you. You want to glorify that flower in its own natural setting, or else you want to pick it and possess it. Those are two entirely different ways of being. Love creates a thankful glorification of the flower. You love the other you want to see the other thrive, enjoy, and grow. You want to see them become more of who they are, nor matter what that entails. That's the truth of love. It is unconditional.

Attachment is quite different. You want to pick the flower, sever it from its roots, and make it yours. You want to appropriate the beloved, make him or her be what you want them to be, conform to what is convenient for you in the relationship. Attachment is not care for the other; it's care for oneself. This distinction has to be understood: Are you loving, or are you attached?

If you are attached, you are going to experience the pain of jealousy. It follows that jealousy becomes the opportunity to see within yourself the truth of attachment. Not theoretical understanding, but existential awareness of attachment at its very roots. Only through this awareness can jealousy be really transcended.

PENETRATING TO THE CORE

The most extraneous and irrelevant way to deal with jealousy is trying to control your partner. It is also the least effective. Whatever illusions you may have as to who is to blame or who is at fault, jealousy is within you; not within the relationship. Manipulating your lover is a poor palliative. To control outer circumstances by making your lover behave or toe the line in a certain way is to miss the opportunity. You always miss the opportunity of jealousy -- indeed, any pain -- if you blame others. It is not that the other may not be to blame, but that in the matter of inner realities, blame is always irrelevant.

Manipulation of the other is external. Moving inward, we use the situation that created the jealousy as the occasion for clarifying communication and for negotiation. To do so is constructive for the relationship, but still peripheral, still not touching upon the real opportunity presented by jealousy. Moving further inward towards the core, we come to the personal level: yourself and your own reactions. This is the real field for dealing with jealousy: not trying to blame or fix your partner, but seeing who you are.

Really, jealousy is like an onion -- so overwhelming, so pungent, so difficult to be near. It cannot be ignored. It makes you cry. Yet the onion is an important food. In blaming and controlling, you are refusing to see that there is an onion. You are trying to avoid. In trying to see who you are, you take the onion in hand. You take a radical, internal view of what happened to you in jealousy. Now you peel off layer after layer of the onion until you reach its center. There at the core is the possibility of freedom.

DYSFUNCTIONAL BELIEFS

The first layer of the onion is your unexamined notions about how one should be in relationship. What are your beliefs? Do you believe that if you're in a relationship with someone, you should be with them exclusively and they should be exclusively with you? Well, where does that belief come from? Is it based upon some hidden idea that the other is your possession? Is the other an object to be arranged in a way that is suitable to you? Only if you possess the beloved can you tell them how to be. So, if you're inclined to manipulate and control in this way somehow subconsciously you have already made the lover into your possession. This is something to look at. Can one person be the possession of another? What beliefs do you carry about relationship?

The fact of the matter is, you are not actually in a loving relationship if you think that you possess the other, because the essence of the other is basically free. Whatever peripheral control you may exert, you cannot touch that inner freedom that a human being is. Whatever peripheral control you may exert, you cannot touch that inner freedom that a human being is. You may control your lover so that he or she appears to love you, but you cannot make a person love you.

Moving inward, look at the situation rationally or realistically. We each have our own sexuality, and we each have to take care of it as we can. Only some people can fit their sexuality into one relationship. So to have the belief that your lover should be able to so conform may already be erroneous. You are not responsible for the sexuality of the other. You can not take control of their sexuality. You do not own it. It is their own. And what they do about it is in a real sense their own affair.

This insight has probably helped me in my own dealings with jealousy more than any other. Somehow I had the idea that my sexuality and her sexuality were tied up as one. That is a beautiful experience. In fact, the relationship may go through a long period where there is a pure union of two sexualities. But to say that that is how it must be forever and oblige the other to behave in accordance with that belief will not work.

Erroneous beliefs inevitably contribute to the pain of jealousy. Take stock of your beliefs, and drop the ones that aren't functional. That's the first skin of the onion.

PROJECTION

The second layer is projection. Sometimes we suspect that our partner is being untrue to us. For instance, that night you called your lover, a thought immediately came to mind: "Oh, she's got somebody with her." One reason that you may have these perceptions is because you yourself are harboring thoughts of being "unfaithful." In fact, if you are in a relationship where you have an agreement not to be sexual with anybody else, you will almost inevitably start having feeling of wanting to be with others. Sooner or later, if you don't share those thoughts, or if you're not up front about the fact that you have such feelings, you will imagine that your partner is having them. This is projecting. Your jealous feelings may come from the fact that you feel like you want to play around, and so you suspect that your partner is doing it because you refuse to be aware that you are entertaining such a temptation yourself. A projected perception and a real one feel differently. We can learn to discriminate between the two. Again, the challenge is to be aware, to examine oneself.

ENVY

Another level that we have to peel off is envy. Envy is often mistaken for jealousy. I have experienced what I thought was tremendous jealousy, when in fact what I was feeling was envy because my partner was having a ball and I wasn't. Well, she's off having a good time with a boyfriend in New York, and I'm out here sitting alone. I want to have a good time with somebody. Envy is the frustrated longing for the other's experience. It is a different, more superficial phenomenon than jealousy.

GUILT

Another layer is guilt. Guilt can afflict you if you feel bad because you're jealous. Since the sexual revolution, some would-be liberated people think it's wrong to feel jealous. We are told that we shouldn't feel jealous, we should rise above it. So if you have this belief and you feel jealous, you're going to experience shame and guilt. But judgment is truly irrelevant. Jealousy is jealousy. It is neither good nor bad. It simply is, and it is an opportunity.

We must learn to peel away the skins of illusion, and get to the core. Really, what I'm talking about is awareness. The discussions of projection, envy, and guilt are pointers, but you have to bring to your own internal situation of jealousy your awareness. Ask these questions and investigate the reality of your feelings. In order to transcend a negative feeling, you must move deeper and deeper into your own authentic experience of it. Not what you read in a novel or saw in a movie. Not what someone has said you should feel. What you are actually feeling.

Becoming aware of the actual feeling and the true source often alleviates the feelings. You may experience what you describe as jealousy, but when you really examine the feelings, what is really there is anger that you were being left out of something that was fun -- envy. There's your partner taking a trip with someone else. You would like to go on that trip, and you're being left out. Those are not really feelings of jealousy. They are simply feelings of sadness or anger at being excluded from something that's happening, something that you feel you belong to in some ways.

The outer layers of the onion of jealousy really aren't jealousy at all. They're reactions belonging to other complexes. If you can see them, and separate them out from what you're really feeling, you can sometimes relieve the pain without ever coming to jealousy. What was really going on was moral indignation, envy, guilt or fear, or some other kind of feelings.

Up to this point in peeling the onion, the primary emotions are sadness or anger. Both are created out of expectation. You are angry with your lover, you are sad because he or she has violated your expectations. But you are responsible, because you have created and are holding those expectations. Desire, according to the Buddha, is the source of suffering. A tension is created in your consciousness between whatsoever is and what you would have it be. That tension is the basis of all suffering.

Once the anger and sadness resulting from our fractured expectations are peeled away, once blame is removed from the other and anger disappears, once we see the superficial feelings around ourselves that aren't really at the core of jealousy, we come to fear.

FEAR AND ANXIETY

The first fear we come to is fear of loss. Jealousy sees many things that can be lost. The fear of loss of the lover is the greatest. The rest of the fear around jealousy is in fact anxiety; that is to say, it does not have a real object.

The first anxiety comes from the loss of self-esteem. All kinds of self-doubt come up. You don't have enough money. Something's wrong with your body. You start projecting your own inadequacies on the other's actions. If your self-esteem is low, a jealous episode is going to be used as an occasion for proving that you are unlovable.

Examine the ideas that you have. You'll notice that they belong to all the old mechanisms by which you put yourself down. In other words, you were putting yourself down for these things long before the beloved came along to give you an excuse for doing so. Now you're just using him or her as a pretext.

So here's something else that you can do about jealousy: Start being aware that you are putting yourself down and that the inclination to do so is there independently of the jealousy-producing situation. Own your own tendency to put yourself down. Learn to deal with it yourself, and don't lay it on your lover.

Deeper than fear that comes from a loss of self-esteem is fear for the nest. One of two lovers is usually more concerned about the security of the relationship. Often it is the woman. Usually the function of the female in nature has been to keep the nest. It's almost as though nature gave her that fear out of protection of its own. The woman fears for her home, fears that the source of biological or family security is threatened. A man can also be possessed by security obsession. As women have become freer and more assertive men experience jealous insecurity more often. This is a deeper level of this onion of jealousy.

INFANTILE ANXIETY

Deeper than fear for the nest and close to the core, are anxieties from infancy that are quickened by the present situation. Often, such jealousy is delusional there whether or not there is any occasion for it. We can come to terms with many of these fears by looking deep inside and finding memory traces from our childhood of being abandoned, for instance. These memory traces come from various losses or threats, beginning at birth. Later, you may want to win the special love of the parent of the opposite sex, but you may not achieve this primitive goal, so you feel constantly frustrated and inadequate. Or you become morbidly guilty and conclude that you should lose your oedipal goal because your incestuous wishes are bad.

You carry within you for the rest of your life memories of these early childhood traumas. Later, as soon as your lover goes for someone else, all that early trauma is triggered. Now if you move into a deep awareness, you can actually experience those childhood traumas, you can see that what you're experiencing in this present situation actually comes form a deep residual memory of abandonment.

All of these levels of the onion have to do with illusion, not with realities. They're from the past, from childhood, or they're illusions about the present, beliefs that are illusory, that don't relate to here/now reality. This is a very significant aspect of these anxieties that come with jealousy. If you have jealous feeling, and you start looking at them, suddenly you begin to see that they're not real. You are torturing yourself with unreal fears. What does this mean? What does it come from?

THE CORE ILLUSION

We are coming closer to the core of the onion. Reactions that are peripheral, the more superficial skins of the onion, are resting upon the core. The core is the source -- the first illusion. The core has to be there for the other illusions to be there.

At the core is fear of a deeper kind. In its first aspect, it looks like fear of aloneness. This fear, too, comes from a childhood situation, from memories of when your parents left you alone. There you were, freaked out in your crib, crying, and nobody heard you.

This core fear has also the aspect of fear of death. Again, something is going to be taken away -- your own being! That's how vulnerable you are. There's something about jealousy, that gut feeling, that is like the fear of death. It's that immediate, it's that real.

Something that's very like fear of death, interestingly enough, is fear of love. When we love, we move so much into the other that we lose ourselves. We use the expression "falling in love" because it's like falling into a great abyss. You lose your identity, your sense of autonomy. And that is exactly what happens when you fall in love. You lose your autonomous sense of who you are.

The fears of aloneness, of death, of love, all have the aspect of fear of abysmal nothingness -- the fear that there isn't anything. Death suggests this to us. When we die, we don't know what's beyond. The only thing we know is that it's not like here. So as far as we're concerned, it's just oblivion. Nothingness is there in our consciousness all the time. Jealousy brings us immediately to this fear of oblivion.

All these fears -- of death, love, aloneness, and nothingness -- all are like the core of the onion. In fact, they all point to this core. The core itself is existential. It has to do with your existence. Thus jealousy is not fundamentally a problem of relationship, not a problem of love, but a problem of religion. Jealousy is basically, fundamentally, a spiritual problem.

What I mean by "religion" here is not belief or morality. I mean religion in the fundamental sense of how you relate to your own existence -- your feelings, your senses, your inner aloneness all of those realities that you experience but can never really communicate. Every human being relates to his or her own existence. Existence is God. In that relationship you're totally alone. In that you have no company. That is what it is to be a human -- relating alone and reflectively to your own existence.

The truth of your religion has little to do with going to a church or temple, but with how you relate to that which you can't articulate, which is within you, and true. The way you relate to this existence is the basis of religion, and this religious matter is the core of the onion. Jealousy in its core exposes how you, as a human being, relate to your existence.

THE EGO

Basic to the question of existence is the question, who is this "I" that's doing all of this feeling? Who is this "I" that loses self-esteem, that has a nest to protect, that is afraid? Who is this "I" that says "mine"? Who is this conglomerate of expectations? Who is this I?

In the East, they call it the ego. We use the word "ego" in the West in the sense of self-esteem; or in psychoanalysis, it is your capacity to cope with reality. When I talk about ego, I'm talking about something more fundamental. It is that which identifies, that which feeds on self-esteem, that which is the composition of all your expectations, that which perpetuates itself by possessing. In short, ego is that which can become jealous.

Ego and jealousy are both illusory. In your experiences of jealousy, you come to an insight that it is not real. You were jealous, and then all of a sudden you're not jealous any more, and you look back to when you were, and you feel that it wasn't real at all. It disappeared because it had no basis. That's what I mean about ego. Ego is that which we experience which is not real. Jealousy is also not real. Becoming aware is the joy you feel when you actually experience that unreality.

Let us consider envy again. Like all the skins of the onion, envy stands on ego. See how illusion works in envy. First of all, how do you know if you can be envious of another person? You see only outer circumstances and objects. You don't really know if the other is really happy with what they're experiencing. When you look at the other, what you perceive is your own projections. Don't even suppose that you can see another person's reality sufficiently to compare with yours in the first place. There's no way -- until we reach utter, silent awareness within -- that we can go into another and truly know their reality. But the illusion goes deeper.

In envy you are comparing the I -- which is your ego -- with the ego presented by someone else. Your comparison is based on an illusion that you are an entity and the other another entity, and you can compare the two, Only ego is "comparable." Only if you see yourself as an ego can you compare yourself in the first place.

Your comparison is based on illusion. The "you" object that you're comparing with some objectified person out there is really a subject -- internal, hidden, uniquely, incomparably yourself. All your subjective reality is being objectified and then judgement compared with an object out there that you perceive to be a certain way.

With envy, possessiveness, jealousy, ego itself, we are not dealing in moral or ethical issues. It is irrelevant whether these or any acts they come from are wrong or right. It is a matter of reality or illusion, of authenticity, of phoniness. When I talk about peeling away the layers of the onion, what I am asking you do is become aware. Through awareness only can we drop this illusion. And that which has illusions, that which can be jealous, is ego.

The feeling of abysmal jealousy is an eruption, a deep catharsis of ego. That's why jealousy is the great opportunity to stare ego right in the face. But it is difficult. It requires ruthless awareness, because ego is usually concealing itself. With deadly subtlety it masquerades as comparison, as blame, as the fault of the other, as problems that you have. It's hard even to have any grasp of it, because its hold on you is so subtle, so magical. It's always casting a spell over you. In fact, you believe that you are ego. That's why it's so hard to see. Thus, when jealousy presents the source of suffering itself directly before you, there is great possibility.

What creates ego in the first place? Existence takes care of me as a child in a womb. It keeps "breathing" me. Then why do I develop this illusory me that -- in the name of protection -- keeps me in pain, keeps me alienated, isolated, separated from others, and unable to trust in existence? Why am I unable to trust that I'm taken care of by the whole, by all that is? All of us live in fear, and that which lives in fear is the same as that which is jealous: the ego.

THE ABYSS

To understand the ego, we must return to the core of jealousy. We "fear" the same in love, death, and aloneness. It is existence, or God, pure being. But because it is not a thing (only ego sees things), it has been called in the East, "nothingness" and "emptiness."

Let me give you an experience that might give you some sense of this nothingness. When you're waking up in the morning you are in a twilight. You're just coming out of sleep, before your thoughts begin to form, some ground is there. Like a tremendous empty vessel, it's there prior to your thoughts. Things bubble up in it and become realities. They congeal, take on an identity, and form the ego that you think you are.

The words "vessel of emptiness" or "nothingness" sound as though they are describing something that is devoid of content. They don't have that meaning. They mean that for existence there are no things that are real. In other words, existence presents us with an undifferentiated flow of experience welling up out of a void, an abyss of the unknown. Only with our minds do we pick out things, interpret them, and say that they are real. Our minds say that things out there really exist in the meaning context and values we assign to them. What we actually experience is a moving kaleidoscope of uninterpreted fullness. And this moving, ever-changing phenomenon over which we have very little control, really, is a nothingness. It is a fullness in which there is no thing. So when you get right down to the basic religious question raised by jealousy, you have to question whether or not you really even exist.

In his great work Being and Nothingness, Sartre said that we as human beings so dread this ground of consciousness, this nothingness, that we have to create ourselves to be something. We are nothing. We are undifferentiated out of the great emptiness. We have no content. But this is so frightening, so abysmal, that we create ourselves to be something namely, an ego. Being and nothingness is ego and existence, jealousy and the abyss. We are something fearful created out of nothing. Since somewhere we always know the something to be unreal, nothing is always present to us threateningly. My sense of my death is that it is always presented because nothingness is always there. Death is an accession to nothingness, a return to the source. So here we are, and basically what we come form is emptiness or nothingness. This is our basic angst.

A friend of mine experienced a lot of pain in her relationships. She was very compulsive, and possessive. She asked her teacher, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, about her pain, and he told her this: The ego, which arises out of the nothingness that we basically are, can have a negative or a positive response to the nothingness. The something that we are knows deep down that we're standing on nothingness. All of you know, deep down, that before the whole, you aren't anything. The negative response is subliminal terror. Against this fear of nothingness, you create the illusion that you are something. You back this project by preoccupation with realities, accumulating and possessing. That something illusory that you are is the one that suffers in jealousy. The entire structure is a negative or fearful response to nothingness.

But Bhagwan told my friend that this something-ego can also relate positively to nothingness. Only then can we move out of attachment into prayerful gratitude and heartfelt celebration of the other's being. Only then are we capable of real love. Only by saying a deep yes to nothingness, existence, the whole, do we come to be at home in nothingness. Eventually the positive response enables us to drop the something in favor of nothingness.

You are just a bubble. You were nothing before; you are nothing now. An enlightened bubble is not concerned with its bubbleness. It just is. It doesn't appear anything special, yet it feels all, sees all just as it is. That's why it is said to be enlightened. This is a positive, pure response to our given existential situation.

FALSE IDOLS

Most of us don't react positively. Instead, we shore up our ego realities and live in fear. But death goes on reminding us of nothingness; aloneness goes on reminding us of nothingness; and love reminds us of nothingness. All three of these are ways that we experience nothingness right here and now, and they are frightening. If you have a fear response to nothingness, you will cling in your relationships, you will have to be possessive. You will have to control others. These are all tensions and compulsions that reflect this fundamental fear -- this negative response to nothingness.

Thus ego in its fear protects itself from truth. This is the core of the onion. It is this core that you're really dealing with in jealousy. Many illusions are there, many external circumstances distract you from this core, but this is what jealousy is.

Given what is so, you have to turn yourself around completely and fall in love with nothingness. This turning brings with it the greatest religious insight: Nothingness is there to be relaxed into and loved. This is what they call in religion, surrender. You surrender to the nothingness and when you do so, it begins to give forth what you need. You have no control. There is no you that can control.

The you that controls is exercising the illusion of the ego. We are all in it -- all of us running around filling our lives with possessing, controlling, and manipulating. We are not really in control. Our manipulations are only superficial, but the ego would have us believe that we must be in control or else there is chaos. If you have much insight into how things around you really are, you will come to see this control for what it is. It is like a molecule thinking it controls the universe.

The whole organism of existence is moving in its own way, and we are just nothing. Nothingness is the organism that is the whole. You are not separate from that organism, and the sense that you are separate from it is the basic illusion of ego. It prevents the richness that the whole gives forth when we let go to it.

You can become possessive about God as you can about a lover. If you become possessive in religion, you lay a trip on God. He will be Rama, he will be Jesus, he will be dialectical materialism, he will be the state, he will be your God. "My religion is the only true one." "The God I believe in is the one and only." Anyone who is very rigid in his or her beliefs is manifesting the same principles as that which creates jealousy. In other words, the possessive person and the fanatic are involved in the same game. They build up the same kinds of resistance to the same primordial fear. So, if you are in negative response to nothingness, you'll become preoccupied with material possessions, you'll become obsessed with controlling a lover, or else you'll become very religious and rigid about your beliefs.

When you possess you become possessed. You live in a deep vulnerability based in illusion. The stomach-churning pain of jealousy comes from that vulnerability. That's what you're experiencing. The jealous moment is essential catharsii of this existential complex.

TO THE CORE

Now, a relationship with a lover or a relationship with God can reveal the ultimate. Through loving a lover or an image of God you can experience pure nothingness as bliss. But if you possess, if you have a God that you have fixed beliefs about, or if you have a lover that you jealously control, what you're actually doing is blocking your realization. Out of fear you are misusing that which can give you an experience of bliss. You are so controlled that you cannot be overwhelmed. And the ultimate can only make itself known when you allow yourself to be overwhelmed.

If you have this negative response to nothingness, the very base upon which you are standing is false. That false base is ego, the seat of jealousy. The possessed person, or the God or principle that you believe in, is only a projection of that ego. It is not real. You are relating to an illusion, a projection that you created to keep yourself from experiencing fear. Your eyes are closed. You can't really see the beloved.

And this is what happens to us. This is why we don't communicate in love. Because the lover is a false idol. Whether it's the person or whether it is a God, somehow it's false. Our eyes are closed to the reality, and what we're relating to all the time is our own illusion.

This is the basic mechanism that creates jealousy in the first place. What you really want from a lover, what you really want from God, is bliss. If you possess them, if you lay your trip on them, if you're relating to your own projection, you're stopping yourself

from experiencing this bliss. If you can't know joy through the lover, or through God because of the illusion that you've created, you can't really experience the bliss of love. You have to see this basic mechanism that is happening in your relationship to existence and know that as a jealous person you are making a choice.

Love cannot be channeled to one object. If you have one love object and channel all of your love there, what you are experiencing is attachment. Similarly, if you are jealous, you are not experiencing love, you are experiencing attachment. If you really love, then you'll experience an overflowing, you will experience love for all. It's a natural consequence of loving. It is not a natural consequence of attachment. In attachment, you're channeling all of your love in one direction. In love you're experiencing something in one direction that frees you in all directions. It's as if you threw a stone into a pond. Where the stone hits the water, radiations ripple outward. When you really love, it may be directed toward one object, but it radiates into love for all of existence. That is why love is said to be divine.

So this is the possibility that you have as a jealous person. When you work on jealousy, forget the lover and deal with your own relationship to existence. Go deep inside yourself, slowly peel away the outer layers of the onion until you come to the core that is your own relationship to existence. Then you will free yourself to love more.

My own love relationships have been guided by my teacher. In the last five years he has shaped all the significant factors in the development of my love life, because he wants me to reach beyond the neurotic needs of relationship. There was a time when I experienced a lot of pain in loving, a lot of jealousy. I felt that I was always living in fear of loss. I felt like I couldn't hold on, and I was in constant pain because of it. So I went to my teacher and asked what to do. His answer cut through to the core. "Simply love more," he said. "To cut right through fear of loss which is infantile in its source, right to the core of the basic relationship what you have to existence, go into more loving." In other words, if you love someone, go deep into your own unique experience of what that love is, and just let that be who you are. Surrender to it. Build your identity upon it. You are not a person who is jealous. Not someone who's trying to control. Not even someone who's fearing. You are love experiencing itself deeper and deeper within its own fullness.

"Your love is a boat," Bhagwan said. "Just go on, enter loving more, tending, penetrating -- and the boat, of its own volition, will carry you to the other shore." ++

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