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I Hope She’s Happier Without Me

A/N: hey look! more angst! au where when you fall in love, you get a flower, and each time your heart breaks, the flower dies a little bit and you die with it

Warnings: death, blood

Tags: @piper-koko-barnes-rogers @brooklyn-is-here @lxwkey-as-hell @weaselweaselweasel @thatsmycigarbutyoucanborrowit

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Some horrorcore/weirdcore icons of Kazuya  

For anon i hope you like it!

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We Get Through This Together

pairing: albert x elmer

warnings: panic attack, self harm, blood, unexpected death

story: … it’s a panic attack

time period: modern au

word count: 2,643

a/n: every time there’s a dotted line the point of view changes. will be posted on ao3 later today

Elmer sat back against the headboard of his bed. He had been out all day. Race, Albert, and Romeo had thought it would be fun to try to go to as many of their favourite places as they could. So they’d been all over town. He was exhausted and just wanted to sit down. He knew he should get some supper ready for himself but granted himself some moments of relaxation. Albert was coming over right away too. Just to hang out for the evening. Elmer loved anytime spent with his boyfriend and was looking forward to it but supper could wait for a few minutes. He pulled up Instagram and scrolled through it. He liked a couple photos without really thinking about it. He realized that one of his old friends had posted so he took a better look at it. He mumbled to himself as his brain tried fit the pieces together.

“That’s Tyson isn’t it? Yeah. Yeah. Shoot. Shoooooot.”

The caption slowly wormed itself into his head. Tyson had died. It was an underlying health issue. Him and his family had always known about it but they hadn’t expected it to kill him. Elmer didn’t even register the fact that his breathing had picked up until it was too late. He started scratching his arm absently, still scrolling through the posts with his other hand. He went up to the stories, seeing all the tributes to his childhood friend. His vision blurred and he dropped his phone.

“No no no no no,” he whispered.

“Not now not now.”

But the panic had started and he didn’t know how to stop it. There were so many words in his brain, what were they? Why didn’t he know? Did his chest feel tight? Why wasn’t he breathing? He choked out a breath and suddenly noticed he was crying. He couldn’t breathe couldn’t breathe couldn’t breathe. He scratched his arm harder as if the sensation would fill his lungs with air. He curled in on himself, the contact between his hand and arm never breaking. He pressed himself into a ball, so tense it was almost painful. Why was it so loud? Was something playing in the background? He couldn’t remember. Tears were rushing down his cheeks as he tried to suck in breath after breath. He was dying. He knew it. Albert was going to find him lifeless. Why did it have to be like this? Another sob left him painfully. He tried to curl himself tighter if that was possible. He couldn’t feel anything. Was he on his bed? Elmer had no idea. He couldn’t even remember the city he was in. And so many words were flying through his mind. He was crying so hard but hardly even realized it.

He was so far in his head.


Albert entered the apartment. He did have a key, but the door was unlocked and Elmer had told him he was always welcome. Elmer had probably left the door unlocked because he knew Albert would be over right away. Albert took in the room in a quick glance. The kitchen and living room looked completely empty, Elmer wouldn’t have cleaned up from supper that quickly right? It felt suspicious. (Those thoughts ran through his mind in a split second btw because our brains think things SO QUICKLY) He heard the crying almost immediately. He wondered briefly if he had ever seen Elmer cry before. Probably, but no exact instance was coming to mind right now, not important he reminded himself. He hesitated only a moment before moving in the direction of Elmer’s bedroom. He paused in the doorway trying to process the scene in front of him. Elmer looked broken. As soon as the thought crossed his mind he regretted it and wished he could erase a thought. His brain felt fuzzed out and he wasn’t sure what to do. He stepped forward.

“Elmer?” He said it quietly, afraid of startling him. Elmer did not respond so he tried again.

“Ellie?” He said slightly louder than usual.

Elmer was making horrible, frantic sounds. His sobs were coming out way too quickly and each breath seemed to only go in halfway before it was forced out again. He scratching vigorously at one arm and Albert realized he was bleeding. Once Albert realized Elmer was hurting himself he lunged forward, attempting to pry his arms apart. That was not a good move. Elmer actually stopped breathing for a few seconds.


His thoughts were still too fast and he couldn’t make sense of anything. Feeling something on his arms somehow raised the level. Now he literally couldn’t breathe. He squeezed his eyes shut as tight as he could and glued his arms together across his knees. His nails were digging into his skin but he couldn’t tell how hard and he was so desperately wanting a grip on reality. The buzzing was SO LOUD where did it come from? He wondered if Albert was there. Was someone talking? Maybe he was already dead. Who knows.


Albert didn’t know what to do. He was smart enough to understand he shouldn’t touch Elmer right now. The crying stopped for almost 30 seconds and Albert realized his boyfriend wasn’t breathing.

“Elmer!” He said it close to his ear, hoping to get though to him.

Elmer sucked in a breath and started those horrible, heart breaking sobs again. But he was breathing, even if it was very uneven. Maybe he could hear Albert. Albert decided to keep talking. He sat down near Elmer careful not to brush against him.

“I’m right here baby. You’re going to be ok, you know that? You need to breathe for me ok?” He paused, and muttered to himself, “breathing exercises?” He thought for a second and tried to think of what would be good numbers.

“We’ll start easy ok? I know it hard, um, can you breathe in for four? I’ll count, one, two, three, four.” He knew Elmer had not done that at all but he wasn’t going to give up that easily. He continued counting up and down from four watching the dark haired boy closely to see if he was following.


Elmer had no idea how much time had passed. Was he even still alive? Was it the same day? Maybe this was a dream. His thoughts were getting slightly more coherent. He could tell he was thinking now. Not all the words were registering but he could tell he was thinking. That probably meant he was still alive. The buzzing sound in his ears hadn’t quieted at all but he could here something in the midst of it, trying to break through. He tried to focus on it. He couldn’t remember if he had the tv on or not, was he even in the living room? Maybe his phone was ringing, no that wasn’t it. A voice? No it was music, no wait. It was a definitely a voice. Think Elmer think! he chided himself. The voice was counting. Maybe. It was hard to make out. And he recognized it. But who? He suddenly felt very choked up and gulped in a breath, he’d been forgetting to breathe. His body couldn’t handle him trying to figure out and focus on multiple things at once. Oh they were counting. Numbers numbers. Oh only to four. Ok ok ok. He counted to four in his head though he didn’t know why. He heard them say “three” after four and got confused.


“Wait!” Elmer choked out in a sob. That was only thing Albert had heard him say since he had gotten there almost ten minutes ago.

“Elmer? Ellie? Can you hear me now?”

Elmer made no indication that he had heard. The cries coming from him were more regular now. Not all staggered and painful sounding. That was a step in the right direction. But he was still scratching himself. He was really bleeding now and had blood all over his hand, other arm, and pants. Albert was afraid to touch him again, not wanting to set him back.

“It’s alright baby, I’ve got you, I’ve got you. Let’s keep going ‘kay?” Albert began counting again hoping with all his might that his boyfriend was hearing him.


“Breathe in for four seconds yeah?” This was the first full sentence Elmer understood in what felt like forever. He tried to nod but he was still curled into a ball. Where were his lungs? Breathe Elmer come on. He tried to breathe in for four seconds but it didn’t work. It took a couple of failed attempts but he finally managed to breathe in for four seconds. The voice was also counting backwards. Ok ok. He probably had to breathe out for those counts too. Elmer tried so hard to focus. His crying kept interrupting his breathing but he was trying. The buzzing quieted slightly. The voice was clear. Oh. Oh. It was Albert. He was here. Elmer’s brain couldn’t decide if that was better or worse; better because he was helping or worse because he was seeing him like this. His brain overloaded and he stopped breathing again.

“Elmer,” he heard, “you’re doing so good, come on, I’m here. I’m gonna count again. Let’s try seven seconds both ways?”

Slowly his thinking returned and he tried to do what Albert was saying.


Elmer was still curled tight. Albert couldn’t see his face. But his crying, oh, it had almost completely stopped. Elmer was breathing with him now only interrupted occasionally with shaky breaths or cried. As one does when the body tries to calm itself.

“You’re doing so good baby, I’m so proud of you. We’ll clean you up when you’re ready. Let’s keep going for now.”


Things were a lot clearer in Elmer’s mind now. He was VERY aware of everything he was thinking and what was going on around him. The input was almost too much again. He tried to tune out all the data he was getting and focus on Albert’s voice again. He decided he was glad his boyfriend was here. If he hadn’t come, maybe he wouldn’t have ever stopped panicking. He could feel his head pressed against his knees. He realized his arm was in a LOT of pain and it was warm and sticky ‘oh my gosh I’m bleeding’ he thought.

“Hey Elmer, I love you and I’m so proud of you. You’re doing so much better. Can I touch you now?” The thought of Albert touching him scared him even though he wanted it at the same time. He shook his head quickly before he could change his mind.

“Ok, that’s fine,” Albert started to settle back to lean against the headboard then sat up again. “Ellie, your actually, uh, not to alarm you, but you’re bleeding kind of a lot. Is it ok if I put a towel on your arm? I’ll try not to touch you too much.”

It was probably a good idea. His arm stung and he was just making it worse. He nodded slowly. Albert disappeared and came back a minute later.

“Ok, I got a cloth, I want to wipe your arm, I got a towel and a glove. I want to put it on the hand that was doing the scratching.” Elmer slowly separated his arms. It hurt. Everything hurt. He’d been so tense for so long. Albert gently wiped the cloth over Elmer’s forearm, trying to not touch his skin with his fingers, just the cloth.

“Actually can you put on the glove, maybe you don’t want me doing it.”

Elmer raised his head slightly. Everything was blurry and felt sort of sideways. He took the glove Albert held out for him and put it on. He leaned his forehead down on his knees again but didn’t press himself tightly together. He was in a looser ball now. Albert wrapped the towel around his bleeding arm then sat back. Unconsciously Elmer started rocking back and forth.


Albert felt Elmer moving beside him and glanced at him. He watched him rock back and forth for a couple seconds, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. He was so glad Elmer was feeling better and was (he hoped) comforting himself by rocking. Albert stared straight ahead. He felt weirdly tired despite the fact that he had just sat there. He turned his head to watch the dark haired boy again. Elmer raised his head slightly and turned it to look at Albert. His eyes were red and puffy. He had tear steaks down his cheeks and Albert realized he should’ve offered to wipe his face too.

“Hey baby,” Albert said softly. Elmer didn’t reply, just kept rocking.

“You’re gonna be ok, you’re safe you know that?” The red head reminded him.

El nodded slightly.

“I’m here and I’m not going to leave.” A pause. “It didn’t look like you’d had anything to eat, should I make something? Soup maybe?”

Elmer shook his head. Albert didn’t mind. He knew Elmer was not doing well and Albert had already had supper before coming over.


They were silent for awhile, only broken by Elmer’s occasional sniffles. Eventually Albert got up.

“I’m just going to go get some water,” he raised his hand as if he was going to pat El on his head or shoulder, then thought better of it and walked away. He came back with a glass of water and a water bottle. He handed the water bottle to his boyfriend.

“Have some water.”

Albert sat back down, drinking half of his cup before setting it aside and getting under the covers.

Awhile later Elmer was feeling much better. He just wanted to lay down but he’d been in his little ball for so long he didn’t know if he could. Slowly he tried to relax and stretch out. He tried to say something but his voice wasn’t there. He turned to look at Albert who was watching him. Albert sat up again.

“I’ll be right back.” He came back (again) with a cloth.

“Is it ok if I wipe your face?”

Elmer nodded. He really wanted his boyfriend to touch him now but didn’t want or know how to ask for it. Al held Elmer’s chin lightly as he cleaned off his face. When he was done he tossed the cloth into the laundry hamper and got back into bed.

“You wanna cuddle?” He asked with a smile.

Elmer nodded before slowly and carefully sliding underneath the blanket. He fitted himself against Albert, his head on the red head’s chest. Albert lightly raked his fingers though Elmer’s hair.

“How are you feeling now?” He murmured.

“Sore,” El whispered back. His voice was gone but he could still whisper.

“Understandable, you should try and stretch out.”

Elmer was still mostly in a ball, he was just laying on his side now. He stretched his legs out wincing with the change of position. Albert reached down to rub his thigh.

“There ya go, I know it’s uncomfortable at the moment but this should feel better.”

Elmer nodded shifting to lay more comfortably against his boyfriend.

Albert brought his hand up to Elmer’s upper arm, rubbing gently.

“We’ll have a good day tomorrow. I’ll make pancakes or something, that sound good?”

Elmer was very drowsy, he wasn’t sure if he had nodded in response or not. The sound of Albert speaking quietly, the soothing rubbing on his arm, knowing his boyfriend was there and he was completely safe, all those things combined made him very sleepy. And that all his energy had been used up in the panic attack.

“I love you Ellie.”

Elmer didn’t have the strength to reply but he put his arm over Albert and attempted to hug him.

“Go to sleep,” Al whispered, “I’ve got you.”

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Ch 3: Along comes Howard

Rating: M

summary: A secret is revealed. Herbert has things stolen from him, and Dan fusses over Meg. 

tags: vomiting at the end of the chapter. Also, swearing. I’m also mentioning that this will probably be the last not so heavily tagged chapter. The next ones will be pretty bloody. 

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i have SO MANY muses that would let vampires use them as a human capri sun and NO ONE IS USING THEM AS HUMAN CAPRI SUNS????

idk what this says about them and me, but like slorp slorp bitch. their veins are there.

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You’ve got a whole gallon of blood inside you! that’s exactly the right amount of blood! good job!!!

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Was really hyped to spend tomorrow night writing and drawing but remember how I hurt my finger last week and typing was quite difficult? Anyway my entire nail is bright red and I can’t hold a pen so needless to say I am pretty disappointed

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