Hey I've been really dysphoric lately could I request a ftm Trans Rin drabble about Rin coming out and Bon being very supportive of his boyfriend. Thank you
giving you the biggest internet hug I possibly can. I'm so sorry about the dysphoria. You are incredible, even if you don't always feel like it.
Also, sorry, it got a little long...
It started because Ryuuji was combing his hair.
Well, it really started earlier than that. It started when Rin had looked over his shoulder and seen the surly boy scowling at the front of the class like Rin’s inattentiveness had been a personal insult to him. His silly heart had given a really hard thump, and he’d promptly fallen hard.
It started because Rin jumped in front of the reaper hell-bent on devouring Ryuuji before Rin could make him aware they were going to be boyfriends. It started when he’d turned and glared down at the boy and saw incredible brown eyes staring right back up at him.
He’d felt strangely seen in that moment. Almost enough to let his tail wag.
Instead he’d crossed his arms over a chest that didn’t feel like his and glared to the right.
It solidified when Ryuuji stared up at him with that smirk (god, that smirk made Rin dizzy, almost too dizzy to focus on the fight which was bad because that would mean they’d probably die before he could actually ask Ryuuji out)
Rin felt right under Ryuuji’s gaze. With Ryuuji’s laugh echoing in his ear, Rin felt like he could do anything. Like he could be anything.
It made him spin around, too - long hair flying in his face, and bare his teeth at the Impure King as he finally drew his sword. As his features shifted into the demonic form, he almost felt like it was who he was meant to be.
He hadn’t gotten the chance to ask Ryuuji before Ryuuji was pulling him aside in one of the many rooms of the Myoa Dha’s headquarters and asking in the most endearingly bashful way if Rin would maybe like to go to the bamboo garden after Kyoto Tower.
Rin had said (squealed) an exuberant yes and spent the rest of the day holding Ryuuji’s hand and trying to stop his tail from wagging wildly.
He’d almost asked for a picture, but he’d caught a glimpse of himself in the reflection of Kyoto Tower and he just… couldn’t.
Not when the reflection didn’t show who he was. Not when nobody knew. Not when it was a stranger staring back at himself and holding Ryuuji’s hand. He didn’t know the girl looking at him, he could see traces of who he was meant to be, but…
His eyes darted to Ryuuji who was staring at him with a soft smile. He returned it as well as he could and tried to ignore who was staring back at him.
He asked Ryuuji out on the next date, and the date after that Ryuuji asked him.
He stopped keeping track after the fifth date.
It had been a few months, and Rin was now watching as Ryuuji picked out his earrings for their date. He was seated on his boyfriend’s bed and fiddling with his jeans.
“You okay? Seem kinda tense, babe.”
His stomach clenched uncomfortably as he lifted his gaze to meet Ryuuji’s. He could see the edge of himself in the mirror, and he shifted uncomfortably away from it.
Ryuuji, ever watchful, noticed the movement. He set his earring, the twisty one that always made him blush when he was putting it, down and stepped towards Rin.
“Hey,” he sat next to him and took Rin’s hand, “what is it, Rin? You know you can tell me?”
But how did you tell something like this? Everyone always said it was the best thing to do. That it was the brave thing to do. That you had to live your truth and be who you were, but they never said how. They never mentioned the terror that who you were would be rejected.
Ryuuji made him feel more himself than he’d ever felt before. He didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want to lose Ryuuji, but…
He was lying to him every single day. Ryuuji thought he was dating Rin Okumura, daughter of Satan and resident goof. He didn’t know that wasn’t who Rin was. Well, he was a few of those things, but he was someone so different than that. Than this long hair and the stupid uniform they made him wear.
Ryuuij’s hand went to his hair and softly combed through his locks. It was meant to be soothing and it just made Rin’s eyes well up. He clutched Ryuuji’s hand in his own, and the words started to pour out.
“I— this isn’t who I am.”
Ryuuji stopped combing through his hair, wrapping an arm around his shoulder instead to coax him closer.
The words kept coming. He stuttered out that he wasn’t what he looked like. That he was a guy, and he’d known it about himself for years, but he’d never been able to tell anyone. He soaked Ryuuji’s soft shirt with his tears, and he still felt like none of it made any sense, and it wasn’t enough. He cried until his eyes burned, and he started to hiccup against Ryuuji’s strong chest.
Ryuuji didn’t say anything for a moment longer. Long enough that Rin began to try and figure out if it would be quicker to flee by the window or the door.
“I— and I’m so sorry if I misunderstood, you’re trans?”
He… he didn’t sound angry, or disgusted. His voice was soft, inquisitive. Rin swallowed. He’d never heard anyone say that to him. “Yes. I… I’m trans.”
It was the first time he’d said it to someone. Saying it solidified something in his gut. It had him sit up a little. It had him shoving his hair out of his face and swallowing again.
Ryuuji’s hand moved back to brush his hair back. “Hey,” Ryuuji hugged him close, “I’m proud of you, Rin. I know… I can’t imagine that’s an easy thing to tell. Hell, I remember how terrified I was to come out to my parents, and they’ve always been open-minded.” He pressed a kiss to Rin’s hair, brushing away a few of his tears before brushing his hair back again. “Thank you for trusting me this much.”
Another sob broke from Rin’s lips as he flung himself at Ryuuji. His boyfriend wrapped him up in a fierce hug, holding him tightly enough that he felt anchored, that he felt secure.
“You’re the bravest person I know,” Ryuuji whispered against him with a gruff voice that sounded a little tight, almost like Ryuuji was fighting off tears, “you’re handsome, and strong, and kind. I know… I can’t imagine it’s easy, but I’ll help in any way you need.” He kissed the side of Rin’s head, pushing through his hair and catching the edge of his ear. “I love you.”
Rin hiccuped again and blurted the words back. They’d always felt a little heavy on his tongue, they’d felt a little like a lie. He loved Ryuuji, he mildly suspected he always had, but he was scared that if Ryuuji knew who he really was…
He should have known better. Ryuuji never shied away from what he loved. He fought for it, even if he got annoyed with them.
Curling his head under Ryuuji’s chin, he hugged his boyfriend and tried to get his breathing even again. The position made his hair once again fall in his eyes, and he shoved it away with a scowl. He should have brought Ryuuji’s clip.
“You okay?” Ryuuji tucked the annoying strands behind his ear, gently tracing the outer shell before dropping his hand to Rin’s hip.
“I hate it.” Ryuuji made an inquisitive noise and rubbed a soothing circle into his back. “My hair,” he explained with a sigh, “I tried to cut it in middle school… I… well, I didn’t want to ask the old man? He’d, uh, he’d ask why I wanted it cut—” Rin wondered what all Shirou had known. He… well, it seemed like he’d known. He’d just waited for Rin to tell.
He pushed those thoughts away. That was for a different time. This was about Ryuuji, and him.
“Anyway. I did it myself. I…” he laughed, “well, turns out it’s kinda hard to do by yourself.”
“Wait, you want short hair?”
Rin’s insides knotted themselves right back up. God, he’d gotten too hopeful too quick. He should have known. He was Satan’s son. Good things didn’t —
“I cut our hair. Uh, Konekomaru, Shima’s, and my own. I dye it too, if you’re interested in that? I can style it for you? You’d look handsome with short hair. It’d show off those killer cheekbones you got too.” He made an appreciative noise and kissed Rin on his nose. “Very hot.”
Rin blinked in shock. “What?”
Ryuuji blushed and dropped a hand to the blanket beside them. “I just… I mean, if it’s something you’d like, I could try? Nothing too wild. You don’t have to do the, uh—”
A grin tugged Rin’s lips up as something warm started to unfurl in his chest. “The rooster you got?”
Ryuuji rolled his eyes. “It’s cool.”
Rin’s smile grew. “Yep.” He cupped Ryuuji’s cheek, enjoying the slight scrape of facial hair against his palm as he pulled him into a kiss.
Ryuuji was breathless when he pulled away.
“Was,” his cheeks were pink as he spoke and the warm thing in Rin’s chest went hot, “that, um,” he blinked and seemed to force himself to pull himself together, “okay? Me. Cutting your hair? You can say no and I won’t get upset.”
Rin ducked his head, ignoring the way it made his hair fall again. “I’d like that.”
Ryuuji squeezed him close in a hug, kissed his warm cheek, and went to the dresser. “Tell me whatcha want. Got any pictures? I’ll do whatever you want.”
Rin pulled his phone out with trembling fingers and tried to swallow some of the excitement back as he pulled up the photo. It was the one he’d tried to do in middle school that had failed. He turned the phone towards Ryuuji and got a determined nod in return.
“Turn around, handsome.”
Rin followed Ryuuji’s guiding hands with a smile that was almost painfully big, and a wildly wagging tail. Ryuuji gently moved it so it was under Rin’s arm, out of the way of the scissors, and pressed a kiss to Rin’s shoulder. “Hang on, Rin. I’ll have ya set in no time.”
The snips of the scissors felt incredibly loud in the otherwise silent room. The locks fell around his shoulders in a halo of dark blue, making a mess on the bed that Ryuuji didn’t seem to care about. With each falling strand, Rin felt himself sitting straighter, felt himself smile a little wider, felt his chest loosen just a little more, until he was breathing easily and the tears streaking down his cheeks didn’t feel like pain.
They felt like freedom.
“Well look at that,” Ryuuji hummed, smiling as he turned Rin around and pulled out a small mirror from his dresser, “my boyfriend is one handsome fellow.”
The boy smiling back at Rin looked ecstatic. His hair was still falling in his eyes, but this time? This time that boy smiling back at him looked like him.
Rin squashed the mirror between them when he flung himself at Ryuuji and crushed him in a tight hug.
In Ryuuji’s arms, in this moment, he felt like he could truly be himself.
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