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#borderline personality disorder

y'all im so tired of living like this. i want immediate help but i cant get it. i just want to be fixed. i cant deal with these ups and downs all the goddamn time. its too much. i cant handle anything, and certainly not myself. and everyone in my life is starting to notice my habits. if they knew how bad it was i’d be sent to a ward. i just want help, i cant handle being this way.

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I believe you’re at a crossroads, kiddo.

You thought your love could save him. You thought you could pull him out. But this fish has too much fight in him; He is in love with the murky depths and slowly but surely he’s luring you in. Showing you how comfortable it can be to swim beneath the rough and choppy surface of what the world expects of you.

Down here in the cool, still deep, the chaos of the world above is quieted.

And you can’t remember the last time you could hear yourself think.

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There’s not enough BPD memes content, and to be honest, I’m picky about the ones I repost simply because it seems there’s quite a few that may be triggering  or self-defeating, you know? I understand it can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time and it’s nice to be able to relate to those who struggle the same as you do, even if it’s in regards to negative behaviors or concepts. 

I’ve been feeling reflective about my diagnosis recently, especially about my family and why we all are the way that we are. Unsurprisingly, the running theme is emotional repression. My mom represses how she feels, probably even on an unconscious level and it was damaging to me growing up. My father and I have the same temperament and he was a far more volatile figure for me. Very emotional, threw fits, suffered from depression and low self-esteem, socially withdrawn: the works. 

My mom grew up with a mother who was overly emotional and needy herself, unable to self-care and severely depressed. Her dad, my grandpa, was charming, but short-tempered and a philanderer. 

My mom takes after her dad, so I believe she married someone similar to her mother. My sister is emotionally repressed like my mother was, but more covert than overt. I take after my dad. 

I’ve been in DBT for two years now, kind of on and off depending on what’s going on. I see these cycles in my family, how they enable each other and how it laid the foundation for my life as it is. Sometimes, all I can feel is sad, just generally, about everything. I don’t want to take after my family, or my dad, nor do I want to marry someone like my mother. I want to break the cycle and choose someone with access to their emotions, but also stability.

I worry I won’t be healed enough for them or that I’ll unknowingly make the same mistake. Then, I think about all the work I’ll have to invest in myself and how far away that goal seems at times. Under stress I still split. I realize certain people and some environments are just poor fits for someone like me. I understand other people have their own trauma, but the way they dance with my issues are just especially difficult for me to stay clear-headed. It’s something I’ve just had to accept about myself instead of fight it and force myself into a mold I’m either not ready for or unfit for. It is what it is. 

I’m also an HSP on top of the BPD diagnosis. Guys, I’m just scared. I want that good partner and that healthy life. One day, I’d even like to be a mother myself. I want my children to see my emotional sensitivity as not a trait they’ll be unable to cope with and hinder them throughout their life, but I struggle with feeling happy, present, and efficacious. It’s all effortful control for me. I want my kids to have better and I want to be better for them, I just worry. I worry it won’t be enough.

The reason why I’m scared is it’s unknown because I’d be dating someone and interacting with someone that is not identical to my family of origin, I’m going to break out of my mold and that unfamiliarity is scary. And it would be effort, daily effort. Then, I worry I’ll become a perfectionist about it and that will be it’s own kind of messed up. And I also worry because I worry so much, I might pass down my neuroticism. 

We don’t talk enough about how exhausting the middle-ground can be to achieve when you life has been spent in a series of highs and lows and numbness. 

What do you want out of your recovery? What are your dreams? What’s your “life worth living?”

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