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me: i just want to feel something !

*something happens*

me: *feels something*

oh shit nvm✌🏼

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My BPD has been eating me up alive during the past days, so I’m sorry I’m a little bit inactive and quiet over here.

(if you do read below the cut and you think it’s just something “relatable” or that “everyone experiences a little bit of this” I WILL block you. I’m not in a good mental state to deal with stigma)

Some explanation for whoever cares to read:

Keep reading

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I need new friends, the ones that I have don’t have a personal appreciation for me as a person™️, only as an object to sexualise, it might be part of my fault for not setting boundaries and learning earlier to respect and value myself but I think ✨Therapy✨ is doing the thing.

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Talking to me best friend,i wonder what is my diagnosis?i got all the numbers for Bipolar Disorder but if it’s not that? They said that this currentley being is not me.that they know who i am. But how can be so sure? How can i be sure?

This person is the only one i know. This is how i’ve always been.

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You know what I hate?…

I hate that people only likes my pictures on IG when I show my body or my face but when it comes to art or poetry or anything that has to be with knowledge, they just don’t give a damn.

Like… My only talent has to be a pretty face? Can I be something else? Can society hand me over a permission to develop as a person, PLEASE?

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I just want to be soft. I just want to love. I feel like an impostor  in my own brain, why can’t I just be gentle? Why do I have to hurt people I care about? 
I hurt and then before the hurt has even set in i regret it. I wish I wasn’t like this.

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all these articles n ppl talking ab “how to survive with someone with bpd” like, bro i’m just tryna survive with myself damn

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started therapy and anti depressants a few months ago. i’m having a hard time. i keep going back and forth between feeling okay, feeling completely numb, or like complete shit. wanted to kill myself on new years, but it didn’t happen, now idk what to do. just turned 20 and feel like i’m going nowhere. still stuck in the same abusive house i grew up in. want to starve myself, but also eat all the food i can to comfort myself. feeling really fat and disgusting recently. also cut myself pretty bad tonight to feel something and pull me out of numbness. psych said i may be struggling with bpd and/or ptsd on top of my depression and anxiety. idk just wanted to get this all out there. thanks for listening. -emma🤍

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It’s 02:30am, and I’m thinking about suicide.

I had a good day yesterday. I woke up and made a cup of coffee. I took my pills. I decided to dye my hair bright red, so I did. It looked nice. I had a few drinks and listened to music in my bedroom. Nothing significant happened…it never does.

But all of a sudden, about half an hour ago, I started fantasizing about suicide and self-harm. I was thinking ‘this night needs a bit of self-harm’ as if I were contemplating ordering a pizza or buying four more cans. Sometimes, you can be feeling absolutely fine but still want to self-harm and contemplate death. I guess you could say that that’s not normal and I should speak to someone about it. But it is what it is. There was no trigger; I am not particularly depressed or upset about anything right now. I just yearn to feel the cool breeze of death. The relief. The end of the struggle. Everything is a struggle.

A lot of people over the years have said I don’t seem that ill; I don’t seem that depressed or anxious or paranoid. If I cover up my scars and stick some make-up on, I look like an average unremarkable person you might see in the street. I like to think I look friendly and approachable, or at least NORMAL. I want to fit in. I want to look average.

But underneath all the clothes and make-up and hair dye, I am such a conflicted person. I constantly think about ways to kill myself; even if I don’t act upon them. I wonder what people would say. I wonder if people would be happy or sad. I wonder if I would be remembered. But at the same time, there’s a beauty in knowing I’d never know either way. I won’t be anything. Just dead. I yearn to be dead.

I don’t always need a reason to feel suicidal. I mean, I’ve suffered a lot of trauma and loss in my life. But those factors don’t always keep me up at night. Some days I feel okay; like I can leave the house without worries or anxiety. Some days I feel really great. But there is always something darker, burning underneath my skin and behind my eyes. I will be making a cup of coffee in the kitchen and open the utensils drawer to get a teaspoon. I’ll see the knives and think how great it’d feel to just sneak one upstairs. I’ll be reminded of the release it makes me feel when I cut myself. It’s like a drug. It is an addiction. It’s my addiction. Slicing into my veins just shallow enough to not do any serious damage is dangerous but I love it; it makes me feel more in control in a world where I am so small and out of control. It makes me feel like I have some say in my fate.

I act recklessly because I have this constant thought in my head saying 'it’s okay. You can kill yourself if it goes wrong.’ I’ll make stupid decisions and flirt with danger because I know that any day now, I will be gone. I will disappear and nothing will matter anymore. I spend money impulsively as if every day is my last. It’s hard, because on the one hand I like to think I’ll be better one day and will achieve so much and be a good, upstanding citizen with a career and a family and a dog. But at the same time, the thought of killing myself overpowers my desire to lead a normal life. I want to go out with a bang. I don’t want to be ordinary. Live fast and die young. All that. I am a contradiction.

I have no current plans to take my own life. Not right now, anyway. But the dream is always there. I remember, at school, being asked what I wanted to do once I had grown up. Some kids would say they wanted to be footballers, or hairdressers, or singers. But I always, for as long as I can remember, wanted to leave this life behind. I wanted to take my own life and be this mystery to people - this weird individual who had no way out. I wanted to be the lost girl.

In recent years, I have thought more rationally about suicide. I am aware that my death would hurt people, and I would hate to inflict that sort of trauma onto anybody. However, in thinking rationally about my life, I have concluded that it WOULD be appropriate for me to take my own life; given that I have acted so shamefully in the past. I have hurt so many people. I have shut people out, acted cruel, been dismissive…I have not been a good person to everyone. I feel like, in death, those individuals I hurt would perhaps feel glad in knowing that I was genuinely sorry - and that I hadn’t forgotten my misbehaviour. I desperately seek atonement.

What do I do with this? Obviously I won’t kill myself right this second. I always have an excuse, and more often than not, I sincerely cannot be bothered to kill myself. I am too tired and miserable to project that sort of productivity. I am aware that something needs to change; I need to either:

A) kill myself


B) stop making impulsive and reckless decisions every day.

There really aren’t many other options.

I don’t know.

This is all very overwhelming.

Time for another drink.

I thought tomorrow was easy but now it’s today.

With love, Samantha x.

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No food in 3 days… WINNING AT LIFE 🤷‍♀️😁

Having a bar that’s for people on Very Low Calorie Diet tonight. Not by choice, my best friend said “don’t fuck with me” so yeah.. I’ll eat for him.

Not hungry but I’m loving the weight loss! If I get hungry I skull some water back.

My psychologist mentioned “disorderd eating” I disagree

Healthy??? Probably not lol

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I don’t know what is wrong with me lately. I struggle getting out of bed and doing anything other than watching tv and taking dabs. I tried not to get high today but that lasted til about noon when I just couldn’t handle existing. I managed to get myself to be productive for 2 hours at least.

I have an event this weekend. It’s at a private place and my friend is coming with. I’m really happy that she is coming with me because it’s been years since we last got to go to an event together. She got pregnant and had a baby, something that I still struggle with. I don’t know if it’s rooted in jealousy or if it’s just hard for me to see a functioning family, to have a friend that has all of that.

So my most recent ex, K and I have been randomly hooking up, a year after we broke up. I have a hard time letting go and moving on. I’ve become quite good at seducing, some weird part of me thinks that if they have sex with me, if they spend any time with me at all, that they love me. I crave love, in every form.

I stepped on the scale Monday, my period finally being over. 177.2lbs. All my progress for nothing because I’ve been comfort eating the last few weeks. I ended up binging all day Monday. Yesterday I tried not to eat but failed. Today I was better, I had a salad, tomatoes, and some crackers. I need to start drinking more water. I hope I will look and feel good enough at the event this weekend. Tomorrow I dye and trim my hair.

I’m grateful that I am still able to attend a few events despite the pandemic and social distancing rules. It will be interesting to see how this event will go with everything. I’m looking forward to it.

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I removed all my social medias but this one. Deleted all the contacts in my phone but work. I’ve been broken a lot in my life. But you? You destroyed me this time. So I’ll do what you want. I give up. You win.

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i made myself a cheat sheet to hang above my “vanity”, which is actually my great grandmother’s buffet chest. sometimes i reeeeeally don’t know how to pick a skill. this is a guide for when i can identify the intensity of my emotion but don’t know what to do about it. 🌸🌷💕

29 October 2019

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i want to be loved and i want *that* person put me first but this is too high requirement and it kills me to be honest

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