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What. A. Night.

So I cried last night. My first real cry in a while, actually. A moment when my stomach was in knots, I was curled up in bed squeezing my eyes shut and trying to muffle the sounds of my sobbing. My whole body felt rigid and I could hardly breathe.

This is…a lot.

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Can we just pretend yesterday didn’t happen?

There were banana brownies involved and a lot of fruits I got from the food bank.
When did I become so weak? Where are the times I ate under 100 kcal a day and felt actually good - or was that just a dream?

Instead of staying under 800 kcal, I ate a total of 1125 kcal yesterday. I burned 256 kcal.

Nvm. I can still blame my medication, right?
Does anyone else take Quetiapine (Seroquel), they belong to the  atypical antipsychotics and I feel like… I HAVE to eat when I took them and it’s super hard to lose weight but then again, they really help with my insomnia and extreme mood swings.
It’s an add-on treatment for me, i. e. I’m  already taking another antidepressant.

I should talk to my psychiatrist about this issue… x_x°

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Why has nobody ever wanted me? I feel like it has been my destiny to delete myself since I was born. Maybe I’m an experiment. Maybe there are people somewhere in the universe who want to see how long someone who is destined for death can survive.

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I think about it

Every day


I think about how

I did nothing


I think about how

Everyone enabled you


I think about how

It took an army of people

To convince me

To tell authorities


I think about

The people

Who didn’t believe me


I think about

The people

Who didn’t notice

And the teachers

And the counselors

Who ignored my

Cries for help


I think about

How you stole

My education

And how

They let you.


I guess I’m just struggling

To understand

Why you did it


I’m not

Pretty.

I’m not

Special.

I’m not

Worth it.


But you did it anyway.


And I’m the one

Who ended up


Needing therapy


With an eating disorder


With ptsd


Without an education


While you

Got nothing

But a slap on the wrist.


Every day

I think about

Sitting in that

Court room


In front of that

Judge

With no lawyer


Just my parents


Begging for justice


And you

With your fancy lawyer

Speaking for you

In your fancy suit

Looking like a model citezen

Who just made

A mistake.


Why wouldn’t they give you the benefit of the doubt?


I remember the sweater

I was wearing

The same one I wore

In our family portraits

And the bra I was wearing

The same one you

Unhooked


I was just a kid

But you were younger

So it’s okay, right?


You didn’t know any better.


You want to know what else

I think about every day?


You.

Back in that very same court room.

Finally getting

What’s coming to you.


You stole my education.

You stole my high school experience.

You stole my dignity.

You stole my ability to trust.


You took

Everything

From me.


I think about it

Every

Day.


And


I hope you rot.

-5 years later

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I have now understood that it is pointless to talk about suicidal thoughts. I once hoped that it would change and improve something, that I would get help and understanding. But who believes me that I am serious at all? Who takes someone seriously who hasn’t had ten suicide attempts before? This entire health system is completely insane.  

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Does anyone else use dating apps to boost their self esteem and also get back at their bf even if you don’t actually talk to any of the guys who like you because ew men

or do I really just have borderline personality disorder like they say I do

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26.5.20

Therapy today.

We chat about how things have been going. I tell her my moods have been better but my behaviour is worse. Which I suppose is a good and not so good thing at the same time.

She asks me if I am referring to self harm or binge/purge behaviour. Both. But at the moment food seems to be a bigger issue. Sometimes I can catch myself before anything happens, sometimes I have no idea what is going on and I find myself on autopilot. She says that there is absolutely no judgement here but is this a behaviour I want to stop, or is this something I am keeping for myself?

I hesitate. I haven’t really thought about it. I hesitate more. Because I know how ridiculous this sounds that actually, right at this point, I don’t really want to. I could sit with the urge, but I don’t want to. I am generally fine, so what is wrong with just this small bit on the side, a small way to gain back some control and keep the rest of my life ticking along. It isn’t really a problem now.

T says it is understandable that I don’t want to sit with the urge. People generally do not want to stay in discomfort. She asks me when I think it will become a problem. I think that as long as it doest impact my ability to care for E, it isnt a problem. After all, I am still here, right? She reminds me that before E came along, it was a problem. What made me want to stop then? I dont remember. It seems so long ago. She reminds me that it is a super slippery slope for me, going from “manageable” to out of control very quickly. And while I now think everything is okay as the severity is not what is used to be, I can fall back into that hole so we do need to get on top of it. It is my stress reliever, the only thing and time I have for myself at the moment, the only way I manage to have some control, it is something I have always done… and I need to find another way because this isnt something that is possible long term. I can see her point, and where she is going but right now, where I am able to juggle everything, it is hard to agree. 

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Every day,once it becomes night and I’m in my bed in the silence trying to relax,the thoughts start to swarm. I see things I really shouldn’t see,I think of situations that will never happen but they still hurt me deeply,I remember things both good and bad that make me want to curl up and dissapear. The darkness of the night consumes my mind and whispers around me of the things I do desperately want to forget.sometimes I drink before bed hoping maybe if I’m tipsy I’ll doze off peacefully, but it never works. And then when I finally do fall asleep,I’m pulled back awake at the most silent hours of the morning when it’s still dark as midnight outside and the world around me is peaceful,only for the darkness to invade and break the peace and push these thoughts into my head and vision. Even when I close my eyes I can’t escape what I see,and it stays when I’m awake and stains my mind. I truly wish I was not alive and that I could slip away into nothing without it hurting anyone around me,as though I just ceased to exist and never existed at all in the first place.

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Maybe you don’t actually care about me. Maybe I’m not special,not worth anything.

Maybe you’re happy I’m gone,and I haven’t even been a thought in your mind since you left.

Maybe your only purpose in my life was to hurt me like this

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I wish I could help you. I wish I could make you happy. I wish so much for you to trust me,to come sit with me and tell me what’s wrong and get everything off your chest and be vulnerable enough to cry if you need to and allow me to comfort you and help you. But I know that will never happen,and I know that even if you did I would not be able to handle hearing about how you miss the person you replaced me with deeply. It hurts me every day to know that our 2 year relationship means nothing to you,and the person you left me for is more important than I’ll ever be. What did I do to deserve the pain you’ve put me through? Why do you still hurt me? When’s MY happy ending?

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