[MULTIPLE TWS: su*c*dal thoughts/idealation, self-h*rm, talk of su*c*de]
Yeah this? Imagine having the person you dated for 7 months send you this a week after breaking up when you decided to stay friends, and he leaked anything negative you said about a friend to that friend.
I have BPD. In my own daily experiences, somebody so much as looking at me the wrong way can set me off with anxiety for HOURS and delusional thoughts that everybody around me hates me.
He broke up with me, and I stayed calm to his eyes, but outside I was coughing up bl**d, shaking, sobbing, and wanting to rip everything into shreds. Then he pulled this.
He tried to break me, and failed when we broke up. So he tried again. He tried to sever me and my roommate’s relationship, and destroy me. Apparently when he claimed he was going to take his life a week before we broke up, he was lying to see how I’d react. My responss: i’ll take my life too.
I fight between two sides: fuck you I’m never going to let you win, and I’d rather die than live in this world - you’ll be satisfied but /I’ll/ be free. I didn’t want him to win, but I’ve scarred my legs, and held my own demise in my mouth, though I spit them out right before I could swallow it.
It hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. He knew how I was getting mentally worse right before. I hospitalized myself in December due to a friend committing su*c*de, and then lost my job, so I decided to take the opportunity as I felt worse than ever.
This, this is DOUBLED. I want to destroy everything around me. I want to break all of my skin, bring myself to the brink of death over and over just to fucking feel alive and feel like I can live without him. I want to fuck up my job so I have no chance in life, leave medical problems unsolved so I can die peacefully.
At the same time, I want to lose weight and look badass. I want him to /wish/ he could still be with me. I want him to see me doing fucking amazingly.
But I’m not. I’m shit. I wanna dive away and never return…