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#bpd life

[MULTIPLE TWS: su*c*dal thoughts/idealation, self-h*rm, talk of su*c*de]

Yeah this? Imagine having the person you dated for 7 months send you this a week after breaking up when you decided to stay friends, and he leaked anything negative you said about a friend to that friend.

I have BPD. In my own daily experiences, somebody so much as looking at me the wrong way can set me off with anxiety for HOURS and delusional thoughts that everybody around me hates me.

He broke up with me, and I stayed calm to his eyes, but outside I was coughing up bl**d, shaking, sobbing, and wanting to rip everything into shreds. Then he pulled this.

He tried to break me, and failed when we broke up. So he tried again. He tried to sever me and my roommate’s relationship, and destroy me. Apparently when he claimed he was going to take his life a week before we broke up, he was lying to see how I’d react. My responss: i’ll take my life too.

I fight between two sides: fuck you I’m never going to let you win, and I’d rather die than live in this world - you’ll be satisfied but /I’ll/ be free. I didn’t want him to win, but I’ve scarred my legs, and held my own demise in my mouth, though I spit them out right before I could swallow it.

It hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. He knew how I was getting mentally worse right before. I hospitalized myself in December due to a friend committing su*c*de, and then lost my job, so I decided to take the opportunity as I felt worse than ever.

This, this is DOUBLED. I want to destroy everything around me. I want to break all of my skin, bring myself to the brink of death over and over just to fucking feel alive and feel like I can live without him. I want to fuck up my job so I have no chance in life, leave medical problems unsolved so I can die peacefully.

At the same time, I want to lose weight and look badass. I want him to /wish/ he could still be with me. I want him to see me doing fucking amazingly.

But I’m not. I’m shit. I wanna dive away and never return…

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its rlly sad when you’re with someone you love and the only thing that occupies your mind is “what am i gonna do if i loose you” being present seems inevitable

194 notes · See All

Hey everyone ❤️ sorry for being away from tumblr, I’ve been pretty tired. Quaranteen is getting boring. I’ve watched so many documentaries that I’m running out of ideas 🤷‍♀️

Things have been.. abit weird. Me and my partner had our 3rd anniversary few days ago, I was hit in the head 2 weeks ago (I was leaving a friends house, one of the guys who was there hit me on the right temple and I went unconscious), my depression is kicking in worse every day, I’ve been in the ER thanks to hallucinations and my doctor prescribed me more quetiapine and imovane.

Quetiapine has made me so fucking stupid. I cant remember shit, I lose track of my thoughts midsentence, I’ve gained alot of weight etc. Thats what bothers me the most. I havent seen my new therapist in couple of months and its really affecting my daily life. I hope things get better soon.

Also thank you so much for 5k followers I love all of you 🤗♥️

15 notes · See All

I cant talk to anyone about this. It’s too hard for my family, too much for my friends, too close to home for others, and too deep for new people in my life. I cant talk to anyone. Today is my birthday and I want to ignore it. He won’t call me this year, he calls me every year and this is the first year I won’t see or hear from him. I didn’t save the voicemails. I don’t know what I feel.

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