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Funny how I have to take Lithium daily, but as soon as I try to swallow a lithium battery, it’s all “hospitalization with 24/7 1:1 supervision” this and “long-term, high-acuity residential” that…smh, double standards, am I right?

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I had an FP. I didn’t know I had an FP because I didn’t know what an FP was. But she was my FP, then she diagnosed me with BPD and dumped me in the same breath. Now I can never have an FP again, now that I know what it is, what I did, who I am. I thought I knew what it was like to be lost and alone. I had no idea.

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The signs you need to look for

Stage 1

depression. anger, failure to bathe, full on disability, failure to brush your teeth, failure to sleep or far too much sleeping *15 hours a day or more* snapping at someone, irritable, unable to cry, unable to empathize, unable to smile, get happy, fake smiles, fake laughter, forced laughter, forced smiles, failure to brush your hair, failure to dress yourself, failure to eat, stress eating, over eating, racing thoughts, hateful thoughts

Depression isn’t always just sad

Depression is a lack of important brain chemicals.

this lack of chemicals is why these things get worse.

Stage 2

Self harm

over eating, stress eating, self harm, cutting, starving, dangerous behavior, putting yourself down, lying *a lot of lying, destructive lying* *abusive tendencies can come from this this doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of help* quietness, drugs, alcohol in excess

Stage 3

Suicidal behaviour

crying out for help. this can look like many things, if someone says something concerning or strange don’t laugh, listen to them and really understand they’re screaming out for you. attempts, talks about suicide, past tries, thoughts about it, a sudden interest in death and how to die easiest, if the person is extremely upset one day then is happy as can be the next.

They are not happy

Stage 4

The happy goodbye

This is when they’re most suicidal

This is so unknown these days i really want everyone to know this happy goodbye is the worst red flag cause it’s the only chance you’ll have left to save someone.

Please really look how you and others interact with you and others. there could be a lot of red flags. be aware these are red flags.

if you catch them here’s what you do

Talk to them, listen to them, help them with their issues, tell them they’re brave, they’re worthy of love, they can fight this thing, give them hope. tell them there’s other ways to make the pain stop, tell them you love them, tell them they’re not alone, even if you have never felt these things try to empathize with them.

this is a curable preventable illness. not a act of selfishness. there’s signs and treatments just like any other illness.

I promise you can fight this. please help others fight this.

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being my friend/significant other is like: hey, you’ll really love me for the first couple of weeks and then as soon as you get to know me i’ll start randomly disappearing for days at a time, come back with extreme irritability and anger, and then beg you not to leave while also telling you what a terrible person i am

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At this point I’m not seeing much point in continuing therapy. I was going twice weekly for two months after my diagnosis, then once a week for a couple of weeks when my therapist went to a conference. Then all this covid shit happened and now it’s down to 1 text-session a week. I mean, what’s the point? The world is at a standstill. I’m essential, my job is safe as long as I stay healthy. I totally isolate anyway so that’s no problem. The worst part is that I don’t have my two daughters with me half the week like usual because I don’t want to risk bringing the virus home to them from work…so that’s not going to stop sucking—and no “coping skills” are going to change that. So I’m pretty much stuck at empty, depressed, feeling like a terrible mother, and lonely—-which is pretty much par for the course and this new reality doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon, so why keep paying for therapy?

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