I’ve been good for a while,
I think?.. I’m good.. but then,
I wonder if I’m trying to convince myself..
because lately it’s been all to easy..
starving myself, of love, closeness, of art and all it’s richness,
to lay and decay.. all day, alone.
Anyways.. that’s all grown easy for me you see..
but.. to do a damn thing else feels worlds away
and I couldn’t swim or run there if I tried with all my might,
not even with my largest of stride.
Maybe that’s why I lay up sleepless every night.
I can see it just there, it keeps out running me,
just as all the things I love, try as I do.
It evades me just the same as the words that hang above me do.
So plain to see yet in a language I can’t ever learn to read.
So I don’t want to eat,
I barely even need to drink,
my need for life is gone.. it seems,
as I sort out my thoughts to pages..
that an improbable truth is, that..
Try as I do, I can’t stop from thinking of you.
Every minute of every day.
“It’s not fair” roars inside my head on repeat,
“none of it, not a god damn part of my life.”
But I’m happy with how I turned out,
I’m happy with who I’ve grown to become!
That should be enough.. all the work that I’ve done,
all the tears I’ve bleed for the fears I’ve faced.
That should count for a hundred times over all the hurt I can’t stop myself from fixating on.
Cause you’re gone,
and i should know better by now,
to let you stay gone.
But I always reach out,
hand caught once more in the trap.
You hurt but you mend.
I break and bend.
Over and over for you, again and again.
Doesn’t matter how alone,
doesn’t matter, one bit,
cause when you’re not with me time drags on,
when you are it’s suspended like us.
When you left me hanging in the bomb dust,
scared as I was,
I stayed there waiting for the smoke to clear..
but you weren’t there.
I have learned, never to trust.
Nor love or lust.
I won’t lie
I hope you are awakened once and a while
by the memory of me
I hope you stare up at the ceiling and
feel guilty for your words and your actions
I hope you consider apologizing
I know you don’t
but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope
I wish you’d been braver.
I wish I had been, too.
I wish you’d told me about her sooner.
I wish you’d told me
how much you loved me,
and for how long,
so I could have treated it
with the tenderness it deserved.
You look happy now,
and I’m glad,
but I wish I’d been brave enough to
believe in your love for all those years
you burned so quiet, so strong,
and I never understood.
These boys are all talk.
But I can’t seem to stop
Checking the clock.
Even though the door’s unlocked–
I leave the mat over the key,
And tell them not to fall in love with me.
But these boys are all talk,
And I can’t seem to stop.
Cause they’re louder than when
I heard your bomb drop.
So I keep them around
To drown out your sound.
And they break my fall
Before I hit the ground.
Talk, April Dawn
Catch My Tears
Catch My Tears 10/15/03
"They say holding on makes you stronger but I swear letting go takes all my strength"
Catch my tears and hold me tight
The silvery moon is quite high tonight
Bottle my tears and hide from the light
Seeing you this way is a terrible fright
Catch me I’ve fallen and hide me from sight
For you to carry my burdens is a terrible blight
Run away keep the secrets we had this night
Swing away from the moon oh so bright
Catch a glimpse in my eyes so white
Just promise you’ll catch my tears and hold me tight
Thank you for leaving
Thank you for making room
For those who are more deserving.
Don’t get me wrong,
I miss you.
I missed who you once were
What we once had
But a divine being like me,
Was not made for one.
I’m larger than life,
I was not made for a drunk
I am pieces of the gods
Placed here for the mortals
Thank you for proving that I,
Was always meant for more
I pray you are the last one
I dare settle for
No longer yours,
gave my heart and soul to the wrong person
but there is no right person, how can this be a mistake?
gave my trust and years to the wrong person
but there is no other person for me, how can I be alone again?
everyone says to leave, so quick to leave
as if they haven't felt what I feel
we're stitched together, me and him, the blood dried up and scabs faded to scars
I know I have to rip him out of my very pores, out of my atoms
but how can I stay when the needle is still threading through my insides?
more like a poison than bond, one I drank of my own will
so I would have someone to hold me when I was frozen
everyone says to leave,
yet they don't say you'll get burned if you start
in the beginning I would wake up thinking only of him, but now I wake up thinking how am I going to tell him?
tearing the threads out, I'm pulled apart at the smallest level to be left alone and bleeding
but how will I endure this everlasting pain when my love still breathes somewhere apart from me forever?
parts of him I carry with me, absorbed into me, aches with this untold knowledge
but I will never have to say goodbye as he will always be with me, and he never has to know these feelings
Sometimes I miss you, It occurs rarely and it hurts.. So much,I think it's for the days that I don't miss you.
I miss you and I want you to see the new me
I know at every expression of my confidence you'd kiss me and say "that's my girl!" You always wanted the best for me.
I miss you and it hurts
I think it's because I wish I still loved you, Because if I don't..
Then you were just another person not meant for me.
He’s still the boy I want to kiss me in the rain
and he’s seen me at my worst
but in the end I was too broken,
even for him
and I couldn’t give him what he wanted.
He loved me for so long,
so true, he was always there
and I knew I could always run back
And now he’s gone.
Cowardly slipping away
once again making me be the one to say