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#breakup

Two days ago I received a Facebook message from him. “You good?” Seriously. Two words, no context. I can only assume that he’s finally noticed something’s off since he can’t see my Instagram stories or most of my Facebook posts anymore. I love social media and I post all the time, so it makes sense that he’s probably confused right now. But we’re not together anymore and when he lost the boyfriend title, he also lost the right to see any and everything that’s going on in my life via social media. Over the years, it was easy for him to keep abreast of the goings on in my life, but I had to pry and pry just to get a tiny bit of information out of him, about his day, work, family, anything. And when I did get something, it was sparse. I replied yesterday, a couple hours after he sent his message. I’m as okay as I can be, all things considered. It was true, honest, to the point. I didn’t mean to be callous, but how could I be anything but? Any more elaboration would have simply been met with a joke or a matter of fact, “you’ll be fine” or some other insensitive comment as if I’m being overdramatic by having and expressing any type of emotion. My message was met with no response from him. For a moment I thought he actually cared. But it was really just an attempt to gather information that he hasn’t been able to from my social media as of late. Par for the course, disappointing me yet again. I was talking to a friend tonight online. Long story short, we’ve been internet friends for almost 13 years now and met each other in person for the first time yesterday. It was surprisingly relaxed and not as weird as either of us thought it would be. He doesn’t seem like a weirdo, so that’s a plus. (You never know what you’ll get in real life from online friends.) My friend and I were chatting tonight and I contemplated asking him to hang out, maybe go on a social distanced walk or get some Starbucks to go and chat for a bit. Something very low key. I picked up my phone at least four times (that I remember) in an attempt to say something to that effect, but I promptly clicked it off and rested it next to me each time as the pressure began to build in my chest and throat and my eyes swelled. I paced my breathing and avoided blinking in an effort to prevent streams of tears down my face. Every. Single. Time. I know I shouldn’t miss him, and I know that he did more to hurt me than to love me, especially throughout the second half of our relationship, but I can’t get myself past this wall. Aside from a couple girl friends and my immediate family, I don’t want to see anyone that’s not him, I don’t want to hang out with anyone that’s not him. I just want him. And that sounds crazy and irrational and I know it is… But I can’t seem to convince myself to stop feeling this way. Yesterday he snapchatted a video of himself sitting at the edge of a pool, splashing his legs around inside. He’s in a tropical country for work and at a beautiful hotel (which he also snapchatted to me.) When I joined him on a work trip a couple years ago, I remember asking him to go in the hotel pool with me multiple times. Nope. And yet he’s sending me this shit now? Is he trying to hurt my feelings? Or is he just that dense and oblivious to anyone but himself? One day on that trip, we did go to the beach- for an hour. We spent an entire week there and went to the beach for a total of one hour. He knew the beach is my favorite. We walked along it, sometimes slightly in the water, and then that was it. We didn’t even go in! I remember him taking my phone out of my hand, turning it off, and putting it in my purse because I was apparently taking too many photos. I was livid. He also unzipped my bag carelessly and almost broke the zipper. I commented and he responded with something about cheap bags. It was $150, and even if it was $5, you don’t treat someone else’s property like that. No regard for me or my things. I’m in bed. I’m overwhelmed. I’m crying. I’m upset. I don’t see these feelings leaving me anytime soon. I hate it. He’ll never know and he’ll never care… and somehow that makes this even worse.

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I don’t know how else to describe it.
Losing you was grey. It was slow and gradual and that hurts so much more than red or black. I wish you had left abruptly but I had to watch every color we painted lose its meaning until everything was grey. 
It started off slow. You stopped asking me how my day was. Maybe you didn’t care anymore, maybe you never did. 
then it was missed calls and hours between replies. I thought you were busy. I didn’t realize how fast you can lose people in gaps of time. 
You saw me less, and I stopped hearing the anticipation in you voice. I stopped feeling the lust on your lips. 
Our conversations started feeling like a chore you had to force yourself into. 
You stopped saying goodnight and thats when I knew I lost you. 
It was small things, it started off with such a simple phrase. Conversations got shorter until there was nothing left. I look back at it and I can’t believe how an entire relationship can crash so silently. You left without making a sound. It was like you were secretly planning it all along. I wonder when you decided this wasn’t enough anymore. 
I felt it coming. I can’t lie and say it was a surprise. But the thing about a slow ending is you think you can save it. 
You think if you slowly take off the band-aid you can ease yourself into it but it just ends up hurting over a longer period of time. I watched you fall out of love with me slowly and that stung more than anything. I watched myself lose myself in trying to regain your attention. I tried speaking softer, I tried kissing more passionately. I lost 10 pounds. I tried to not make a sound, chewed quieter. I didn’t realize that I had already lost you and I was losing myself too now. 
I still can’t believe how much pain someone can cause with so little mess. 
Our breakup wasn’t glass shattering, it wasn’t a crime scene with blood splattered on the walls, it wasn’t messy. It was quiet. it was slow, It was drowning in the middle of the ocean with no one to hear you. slow painful death with no one to blame but yourself for swimming so far so carelessly. 
I wish I knew what made you stop caring about how my day went. 
I wish you stayed.
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Standing in the checkout at the grocery. The guy in front of me is struggling. And the cashier seems to be getting.. playfully annoyed? That’s the best way I can think to describe it at the moment.

And I’m staring at the gum. Trying not to think about the sinking feeling creeping over me like my life is falling apart again. Hubba Bubba is on sale for $0.79.

I have the split second of a thought that I could pick it up for munchkin. Before my breath catches in my lungs and my eyes are starting to leak.

I have no idea what anyone must be thinking. If they’re thinking of me at all in any of this. I just know if someone notices and asks, the only thing I can think of to say, is I’m going through a break up and my life is falling apart, and I saw the gum..

And none of that would make the situation better.

The clerk was nice. Didn’t notice, or didn’t say anything. Wished me a good night.

Now I’m sitting in my car, in the dark, writing this, instead of going inside.

Like it will somehow stop the crying that’s now inevitable…

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You remind me of sunshine and sunflowers because you radiate the color of a warm yellow.

Getting to hear your voice and see you again makes me feel a warmth I haven’t felt since we broke up.

I’m in love with you still.

I know I am, and I know we won’t get back together soon.

But I am content with being really good friends.

I will keep my love for you a secret for the time being or possibly forever.

I’m not sure where the tides will take us in the future.

But right now, in this moment, I am happy with the warm yellow you radiate that gives me a sense of warmth in my love for you.

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