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pinkadork · 3 months

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I hate having emotions and then being afraid of how said emotions are gonna come off after

#pinkadorkdiaries #breakup vent #actually bpd

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sadtallbean · 1 year

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I did some journaling and came to accept the fact that I was infact was in a emotionally manipulative relationship. It was heartbreaking to realise because im still giving some benefit of the doubt to my ex. There were incidents were i felt like I was being manipulated but i let it go, to hold on to the good, blinded by the love, and made to feel guilty for thinking like that. He knows how i am, what kind of person i am, sensitive, emotionally vulnerable and he took advantage of that. Someone who apologises a lot, and made me feel guilty for most of our disagreements. Put the responsibility on me, questioning of don't you trust me, is this your trust, saying he felt misunderstood, he felt hurt, he felt unheard, making myself question my sanity, almost to the point where all of my triggers were triggered but made sure I couldn't say anything to him about it. He knew my buttons and pressed them accordingly and played me like his personal toy. Isolated from my friends, our mutual friends with stories of stories of how he is a victim of their ignorance and influenced heavily on my own struggles with them then made me cut contact with them, now he's all buddy buddy with them, while I'm struggling to come to terms with all of this. I'm at a position where I can't even say anything out loud because through out the relationship i was made to feel as the toxic one, and he'll just say that to them too, just like how he said for all his exes. How he's a poor victim and his partmers are all toxic.

Even now, he broke up wanting to explore career other people, not to be tied down by labels, by the conditions of a relationship, and still I'll be the love of his life, and that it's my decision if I want to take him unconditionally because ofcourse it's all up to me now, easy for him to manipulate others in the future, that he gave me love but it wasn't enough for me.

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just-a-queer-fanboy · 11 months

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I genuinely don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to get back together but I don't want to exist without her. I don't want to see her ever again but I want her attention with every fiber of my soul. I wish it never happened but I also wish she never left. I just wish I could go back with knowledge of what I was doing wrong and figure out how to fix it. Whether she thinks it or not, I know she lost interest because I fucked up bad. I didn't give her enough attention. I said something wrong. There has to be something I did.

Maybe if I just didn't tell her no. Maybe she'd stay.

#mentally fucked #mentally exhausted #relationship rant #breakup vent #anxious avoidant #kill me now

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night-wyld-system · 4 months

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Aaaaand now I'm back to having one partner.

The present I got him is still shipping out to him and I feel like a fucking idiot for getting it in the first place. I can't believe this is the second time I've been dumped before a holiday by someone I already had a present I was going to give them on said holiday. It's a fucking joke isn't it.

I don't know why but what upsets me more was that this was a triad. Me, the person who dumped us, and my current partner. And I was more accepting of him not liking me you know? Sure it'd be awkward if I became a metamor again and not a partner but I could handle that because I want them both to be happy. But my partner got dumped too and that's what's fucking destroying me and I feel like I'm responsible for breaking down their relationship. I know I'm not they've both told me I'm not but fuck my OCD meds haven't kicked in yet and I'm just a mess honestly.

I hate this feeling and I hate even more knowing my partner is in pain and there's nothing I can do for it to make things better and I love them so much.

#vent #breakup #breakup vent

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fromhisvoicemail · 8 months

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my hand looked so good in yours

and it felt like it was meant to be

#breakup vent #life without you is the worst

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wetlittlebeast · 1 year

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How do I speed up the grieving process this shit sucks

#since Friday my default has been Sad and everything else is just a distraction #I can’t sleep I can’t eat #I just kinda wanna die #I feel like all that happened was just a bad dream I’m still trying to wake up from #tag venting #sad #breakup vent

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cinammonsweetgirl · 1 month

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Usually I never use tumblr to post, it’s has been years ever since I posted something personal here. Yet it has become the only platform where I don’t really have followers unlike other socials so I’m free to post whatever I want. So, the thing is, recently I had the worst breakup of my life💀not even in with my ex boyfriends was this bad. A fucking situationship messed me up in ways I didn’t even think was possible for me. I realized I had never had my heart broken before, at least not like this, or this bad. Is this what true heartbreak feels like? I guess it is. Anyways, needed to get it out of my chest. Six months with this boy, and I was so convinced (still I am) that he is the love of my life. Ever since day one I got told over and over again he was gonna hurt me, that he was no good for me, I’m not even convinced he is a good person, but he is who I wanna be with, and right now feels impossible to get back to where we were. I miss him like crazy, and I love him like I didn’t knew I could love. Either if he is my cosmic karma or whatever idk if a lesson to be taught, but I trust things will get better. I finally have two days in a row without crying. And I sound insane because his name just doesn’t leave my mouth. Have only spoke once to him ever since we fell apart, and since I have been able to sleep properly. My heart aches in ways I don’t quite understand. He shows up in my dreams every damn night, he made me feel things no other ever has. It’s humilliating.

#breakup vent #personal #love

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beautiful-rosepetals · 6 months

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one year - a short reflection

this piece is nothing special.

the claddagh ring faces up. i used to wear it up when we were together. i am supposed to give love to myself now, but that is too difficult.

a friend pointed out how much i talk about you, and it’s true.

oh, he bought this for me.

he’d like that art.

i should send that to him.

he likes those clothes.

that reminds me of this one time together.

i know that feeling.

i know. i understand.

i know.

i hate that it’s true, but it feels like you have become just another part of me.

i am obssessed with the idea of seeing that part of you again, the part that made you what i loved. i am obsessed with the idea of you coming back, leaving those horrible people, and allowing everything to shift into its old way of living. i am obsessed with the idea of being able to do everything we once wanted together, with the same person i fell in love with.

these thoughts consume me daily. they have never ceased, never faded, but i have learned to live with them peacefully as i have with my sadness. they come and go throughout the day, and i listen, and i move on.

deep down i don’t think i will move on. it has been a year, and i feel that nothing has changed.

although i feel that way, i know have changed. the boy i am has always been much too mature for his age, but now, i allow the little girl in my heart out to cry. she sobs and grieves for the life she never got, and i allow her, and i help her.

she never wore the pink raincoat until last thursday. i told you she did, but i lied. i told you she loved it, she promises, and that was the truth. she wore it last thursday, and they both touched the little pink bears and smiled, telling her it’s cute. the girl in me cried that day. you knew who i was before i did.

last thursday, if i was alone, i would have been sobbing. my love held my hand for hours as we talked, quieted, and fell asleep. i feel that a part of my heart, the very heart that has been slowly shattering, was bandaged that day.

every day, my dear reminds me that he loves me, loves everything i have to say, loves being around me, could talk to me forever. it was a change i didn’t expect to happen so suddenly, but a welcome one nonetheless.

if it wasn’t for my loves, i would not have learned how incredible affection can be. one held my hand while the other listened, and in that time, i have still cried less tears than the amount of love i believe i am incapable of sharing.

the above is not romantic. i do not know if it will ever be. i do not know if i want it to be. i do not know if it should be. i have never felt a love so pure, so sweet, yet still platonic.

i believe you were the first to show me that same love, and i will never regret you being the first. but i watched you fade away over four months, and i am terrified of that happening again, for it is one thing to have life stripped away in an instant, but another to grieve a life still walking.

the last month has been hard; i have been exhausted. i am restless, i am tired, i am at peace, and i am terrified. there is not a day that goes by where i do not think about what i have lost: a whole life that once stood behind me.

i have always struggled with grief, but this has enveloped me more than any other feeling. in a strange way, it is a part of my personality and who i am. i am terrified of silence and i cannot sleep sound, yet i still wear these fond memories on my wrists every day. i do believe i am depressed, i am grieving, but i am at peace with how i feel. i do not fight it.

the only thing that has changed in a year is that i am accepting who i am.

i am at peace with my sadness.

i allow it to consume me.

i move on afterwards.

let the cycle repeat.

i still wonder how you knew who i was before i knew. i wear these clothes and bracelets proudly, when i used to be nervous to be myself.

i still wonder where that boy went. he is in my dreams, but perhaps he was only a dream the last three years.

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letgoofthatego · 1 month

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i want to go home

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pinkadork · 4 months

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Is it bad i still hope we can work things somehow?

Like sometimes im mad or jaded about the situation but like in the end it doesnt matter. I miss my baby. Its not even just i want someone or a nigga tryna fuck (niggs need to get right in so many ways) i miss them. I miss waking up and seeing them already been up to see the sunrise. I miss the walks that weren't because i fumbled the car for the umpteenth time but we actually enjoyed spending time walking together. I miss planning my future with them. Was that the problem? Sometimes i think i get caught up in whatever fantasies i envision and react like a jackass when the rose tinted glasses get yanked and no im not an up and coming whatever im an aggressive asshole clinging to the past. Jfc even now in this i cant fucking vocalize that im too aware that ive been a fucking jerk without looking like ignoring what i did i want to be able to yalk about it and really talk about it idc if im in the wrong i wanna chsge so badly im trying to change. Everyday is weird because in so many ways this is is technically better but its like. Nigga nah this aint it.

#pinkadorkdiaries #breakup vent #bpd vent

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sadtallbean · 1 year

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I really really fucking hate you right now, for doing this to me. For showing me what it could be then taking it all away, for making me hope then breaking my heart and my trust. Please please what did I do to deserve this.

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just-a-queer-fanboy · 1 year

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I just realized I've never just.. stopped being romantically interested in someone. The only times I've ever lost interest in someone is when they either broke up with me or (if we weren't dating) they didn't feel the same way. I don't know how people just.. lose attraction in the middle of a relationship.

While my partner started to text less and less, I was planning what to give them as an anniversary gift.

While they were thinking about whether they still felt things for me or not, I was laying in bed at night, listening to kesha and thinking about them.

I saw them losing interest months ago. I was constantly worried they'd break up with me for being too annoying, and so I started pulling away too.

I feel like if I had just spent more time with them, maybe they'd still love me. Maybe I could've prevented this.

I seriously thought this time would be different, but yet again, we didn't even make it to one year. And now I'm starting to wonder if they ever felt for me at all. Did they just want to be closer to me and mistake that as romantic? Were they just lonely? Did they ever like me, even platonically?

It hasn't even been 3 days since we broke up and I already don't know where to go in life from here. They were how I connected to most of our friends. I can't hang out with anyone without them being somehow connected to them.

Did they ever really love me? I thought they did.

Did I ever really deserve it? They thought I did.

But I guess that all of that was for nothing. I'm never gonna hold their hand again, never going to talk to them about how we'd get married. Never going to hold onto them while we head through a stupid fucking haunted house.

It's never going to happen again.

I have nowhere to go.

#breakup #breakup vent #personal vent #avoidant attachment #attatchment issues

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bunnighost · 1 month

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#friend breakup #ghosted #traumacore #vent edit #abandonment issues #unlikeable #unloveable #lonely #alone

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fromhisvoicemail · 8 months

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august brought me nothing but tears

#breakup vent #i miss you #please come back

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wetlittlebeast · 1 year

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I experienced the worst break up of my life on Friday. It truly felt like my whole world was collapsing. Everything I had built up with her was all ripped away suddenly by five little words.

I want to go out with dignity, of course. Who doesn’t? I don’t want to beg and scream. Even when I’m the one being wronged, I feel like I have to give her all of my patience and respect.

It’s hard though when, for the longest time, it was difficult to imagine being with somebody else.

Im not ready to go through the grieving process - which is what it is. Our lives were so deeply intertwined that I have to quite literally gut my room of anything relating to her. Clothes, photos, cards, notes, gifts. She’s everywhere. I even see a bit of her when I look in the mirror.

My world revolved around her. Everything I did was to give her the best life and to be the best partner I ever could’ve. At least she told me the only reason it’s over is because she has commitment issues and because she’s in love with her coworker. It wasn’t me.

But god, what do I do? She was the last person I expected to kick me where I’m weak. I’m angry at her, even though I don’t want to be. The countless times I defended her to my therapist when he was saying I should leave her was for nothing.

This was, for the past year, my absolute worst case scenario. This is what I feared most. I would’ve given everything to avoid this.

#sad #vent #breakup vent #ex gf

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shesmanic · 1 month

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are these my good years, or do i have none? are there really good years for everyone?

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