#bring back mst3k

[shoeboxtheater]

I designed this Backglass for my MST3K "Pinball Peril" Visual Pinball Table. The game is free to download at VPforums.org with a working setup of VPX and PinMame.

#mst3k #mysterysciencetheater3000 #artists on tumblr #illustration #concept art #bad cinema #bad movies #video games #bring back mst3k #joel hodgson #mikenelson #trace beaulieu #frank conniff #jonah ray #kevin murphy #bill corbett #mary jo pehl #pinball games #pinball art

[vilyanenyavilya]

Courtiers

By VilyaNenyaVilya

inspired by this wonderful thread

Summary: Tony’s tired of all the dates he brings back to the tower leaving with barely a word. After walking in on a group of some of the Avengers, he gets a big dose of answers about why and… he’ll spin it to his advantage.

Rating: Teen. Wordcount: 2k. Tags: references to sex, fluff?, humor, Tony’s been oblivious but he figures it out, hopeful ending

(We’re in some bizarre AU land pre-IW where Tony’s very single and somehow every Avenger, plus Avenger-Loki, are either living in Avengers Tower or hang out there a lot. To paraphrase MST3K, don’t worry about it and relax. This is for fun)

Tony stared at his phone. The night before, date number five million had made an empty excuse and left Avengers Tower. It was frustrating. He used to be able to flash a cocky smile and well… that was that. After the big breakup with Pepper, he would have thought having become Iron Man would have made it even easier to get back in the casual sex game.

On the contrary, there was no response to his last text, so much for Freddie. He liked them too. Whatever.

He stomped into the elevator, selected the floor where gear maintenance was, and pinched his nose. There had to be a reason he stopped being able to land even a one night stand. He was getting older, but he was still hot, thank you very much. Once the elevator opened, he went through the little lobby right to the door and found the usual set of troublemakers on the team that hung out there.

“It’s been months since I’ve gotten laid. Not for lack of trying with the wining and dining, the razzle dazzle. Then they get back here and leave? Does this place smell or something? You gotta tell me if it does. Two super soldiers, a kick ass spy, an alien wizard, and a human wizard. One of you would have to be able to tell. Thoughts?”

Steve was wiping down the Captain America shield. “No idea.”

Bucky was at the same table as Steve, but he had a sharpener and a row of perfectly lined up knives he was working on. “Beats me.”

Natasha was with them and had her two Bite bracelets in front of her. She kept her eyes on them. “Very odd.”

Loki, at another table, was leaning back in a chair and was polishing one of his magically appearing daggers. “A mystery.”

Stephen was sitting across from Loki and there was a pile of ancient looking books between them. He didn’t look at Tony and instead fiddled with that sling ring he always wore. “Perhaps we’ll never know.”

They were all being super weird. Tony narrowed his eyes and the tracts of his brain snapped together on that particular topic. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed what the little cabal had been doing for months. Months. He thought he was unlucky, not that he was being secretly babysat.

“Wait hold on, where the hell do any of you get off on chasing my dates away? What gives you the right?”

No one looked at him for a long moment. Steve was the one that had the sense to look scolded. Served him right.

The dagger Loki had vanished in green magic and he crossed his arms. He was the first to say something. “Have you forgotten what happened with Marcus?”

“I did not forget the guy who left my bed and tried to break in the lab to steal tech for some HYDRA stragglers.”

“You were lucky he wasn’t an assassin.” Natasha finally looked at him.

“Can’t have any more of those in the Tower.” The timeline ran through Tony’s head… they all hadn’t started to interfere until after then.

Steve put down the shield. “Sophie had made some social media posts about getting herself a sugar daddy to bleed dry.”

Tony wasn’t opposed to being a sugar daddy exactly, but he would like some sentiment involved and not just ruthlessness.

Stephen crossed his arms too. “Joey was deep into drug dealing. To children, Tony. Children.”

So he had missed that. It was a big one to miss, not that he was going to admit that.

Bucky added, “Maria was stalking you.”

“These are situations I’m perfectly capable of handling. Remember when I took a nuke to space?” Tony pointed up. “Saved New York? Most of you were there or in the city.”

JARVIS’s voice came from the speakers in the ceiling. “They have your best interests at heart.”

Tony felt his eyes go wide. “You too, J?”

“I offered to assist.”

“I can spend one night with someone. I’m a big boy.”

“That’s not what you're truly after.”

“That’s enough out of you kiddo. You’re grounded.”

“I’m simply following my programming to watch over you.” There was a long pause. “Sir.”

Tony rubbed his face. So what if what he really wanted was someone to love him and he’d love them back. Someone who didn’t mind sometimes he was a mess or didn’t make the right decisions. Someone who recognized that every minute he was trying to correct those same mistakes and be a good man.

He looked around the gear maintenance room where everyone else had gone back to cleaning or whatever it was they were doing like some secret team-within-a-team. “Okay, fine, you all win. I’m picking up terrible matches for me. Any of you got any ideas who I should ask out?”

There was dead silence in the room.

Tony looked at each one of them, really looked. He could not be seeing what he was seeing. Nope. He kept that realization under wraps and really hoped his face didn’t give anything away. “What am I asking you bunch of singles for? Legolas has got to have some ideas.”

He turned on his heel and forced himself not to run out of the room. All of them? He was panicking but not in a panic attack, thank god. Just good old fashioned ‘my friend is into me’ times five.

He really was on his way to find Clint. The archer-spy was happily married and not poly, so he was the one person in the entire tower he was confident was not harboring feelings and that he could talk to. JARVIS was helpful and said he was in the kitchen. Tony walked quickly out of the elevator, through the little lobby area, and right to the kitchen door. Clint was at the white marble island making a sandwich.

“Oh thank god you’re here. Help. Help.”

Clint reached for the knife on his belt. “What’s the situation?”

“No bad guys, unless you count five of our teammates chasing my dates away and secretly being into me.”

He went back to making the sandwich. “Oh that.”

“You knew?” Tony knew his mouth was hanging open.

“Unspoken, but yeah, I picked up on the looks behind your back. Sometimes at your ass.” Clint cut the sandwich in two diagonally.

Tony needed solid answers and Clint was observant, he just didn’t wave it around. “Who exactly? To be absolutely clear here.”

“Nat, Strange, Rogers, Loki, and Barnes.”

“Not Rhodey, Bruce, Thor, Sam, Scott, Wanda, and Pietro.”

“Right.” Clint got a second plate from the cabinet and two glasses. He opened the fridge for a pitcher of something. Iced tea?

Tony let out a breath. His brain probably would have exploded if the list included the other half of the team. “I just figured it all out and ran away like a damn skittish horse. They probably noticed. I need something to drink.”

Clint poured the liquid into both glasses. “Iced tea is all I’m gonna serve you.”

What a time to be a recovering alcoholic. “Thanks, I know, I know. I won’t. But I… is this bad? This might be bad?”

“J? Get Bruce.”

“Already sent him up, Agent Barton.”

“Eat this.” Clint took half of the sandwich he made for himself and put it on the second plate. He slid it over with the iced tea.

Tony dutifully sat on a stool like he was one of Clint’s kids. “Is it bad? It’s weird? It’s definitely weird. Sort of messed up. Are they all just pretending to be my friends because they want to get in my pants?”

“I am confident that’s not what anyone is doing. Silently pining away for you because they think you won’t be interested is more likely.”

“They’ve been interfering.” Tony’s voice came out a little bitter. So he was a little angry because it was overstepping in a big way. Anything they found out about his dates they could have just told him.

“That’s a hard one, but Freddie is married with five kids.” Clint sipped his iced tea.

“You too? Don’t tell me Laura and you want a third after all. That might break me.”

Clint shook his head. “Just looking into it from a security standpoint as your friend. Promise.”

“Freddie is married.” Tony frowned. That stung.

“Yeah. I was going to tell you next time I saw you.”

“I really liked them. They said they were in the city on a consulting gig for a few months.”

“That part is true. Back home they have a family and are not separated. Sorry man.”

Tony thought he could have more than a few nights with the beautiful and handsome marketing mogul and then maybe it could turn into something more. Damn. “Why can’t I just pick someone good for me. This has gotten to be ridiculous.”

There was movement at the doorway and Bruce walked in. “What’s up?”

Tony gave Bruce the rundown of the situation. As he explained, Bruce’s eyes got wider and wider. Some tracts of Tony’s brain started thinking of ways to resolve everything… Nat, Loki, Steve, Bucky, and Stephen were his friends and… complicated wasn’t the word.

Bruce said, “What? That doesn’t make sense.”

“Exactly! Are we in some alternate universe where Avengers Tower is a reality tv show? There are cameras everywhere, but they’re my cameras. Unless they’ve been hacked and this is the Truman Show.” Tony looked suspiciously at where he knew security cameras for JARVIS to be.

“They’re really interested in you?” Bruce sat down on a stool next to him.

“Who can blame them, look at me, I’m a catch, even with the periods of being a hot mess.” The tracts of his brain now had started thinking they all would be able to understand him… and they all had qualities that if he looked at them in a different way were… intriguing. Of course all of them being hot as hell didn’t hurt. He’d have to choose though…

Clint nodded. “I’d say they are.”

“So I didn’t imagine Loki checking you out lately.”

“You kept that to yourself? Come on, you’re supposed to be my science bro.” Tony poked Bruce in the arm. He could have been having hot and steamy sexy times, or maybe cold -Loki was a certain kind of alien- for what, months? And Clint was just as bad not saying anything. Tony could have been having a lot of great sex with great people that could lead to more.

Bruce shrugged. “I thought I needed my eyes checked. He’s Loki.”

“Maybe I’m irresistible.” Tony perked up at that. Sure, the situation was a shock, but hell, he still had it. He was Tony Stark, Iron Man. People wanted him. Avengers wanted him. Hell yeah.

Clint had sat down too and was eating his half of the sandwich. “This is really going to your head.”

“Once I got over the shock of five of my friends chasing away my dates, I started thinking of the possibilities.” So many possibilities. He took a bite of the sandwich and chewed.

“What are those?”

He took a moment and swallowed the food. One tract of his brain had an absolutely brilliant idea. Maybe his best one since Iron Man. “It’s The Bachelor.”

“We’re still on the reality tv topic.” Bruce rubbed his face.

Tony moved his hand in the air for dramatic effect. “I can see it now. The Bachelor: Tony Stark Edition. Wednesdays at 8pm Eastern/7pm Central on ABC.”

“You’re going on the Bachelor.” It was Clint’s turn to go wide-eyed.

“Correction, all of the Avengers are going on The Bachelor. Both of you have to be with me. I’m roping in the rest of the team to make a panel of guest judges. Help me out? I haven’t been doing great in the dating game lately. Ever, really.”

Clint nodded. “I’m in.”

“You don’t get to automatically vote for Nat.” Tony wiggled his finger.

“Fine.”

Bruce patted his shoulder. “Now that you bring it up, I have a lot of thoughts.”

“Fantastic.” Tony was enthusiastic.

He was going to make the most out of the situation. Step 1: Call ABC or maybe just Chris Harrison directly. Step 2: Convince everyone else to go on the show. Step 3: Find the romantic love of his life. Easy.

FIN

Who does Tony end up with? Pick your own fighter(s).

Ending inspired by @stxrksarc ‘s The Bachelor Tony Stark Edition. not butting in but it just fit for a resolution ya know?

#mcu fanfiction #tony stark fanfic #tony stark fanfiction #tony stark #tony stark mcu #frostiron #stony #winteriron #ironstrange #ironwidow #clint barton #bruce banner #Loki #steve rogers #bucky barnes #natasha romanoff #Reality TV Shenanigans #all around shenanigans #my fanfiction

[virovac]

I'm surprised no one's drawn fanart of the two Batwomen of MST3K making out.

With the bots commenting of course.

Servo: ...you'd think this would be hot but its just bringing back horrible memories.

#the wild world of batwoman #mst3k #the batwoman

[sheepinthebigcity]

joel the gizmoplex is like over 100 dolarrs im not bringing back more mst3k peace and love

[blueikeproductions]

The Beast Wars Metals versions of Megatron, Rattrap (Rattle), and Waspinator (Waspeeter) talk about the scrapped movie Predacon designs. WAR WAR STOP IT plays briefly before segueing into the Beast Warriors’ MST3K bit.

Rattle: Feh! Whaddya know, you Destrons WERE gonna be in th’ pit’cher besides Scorpos and his extended family.

Megs and Waspy: EEEEHHH???!

Megatron: Seriously?? Show us, rat!

Rattle: We’ll we got this sexy pin up of Waspeeter…!

Megatron: Oooo, Waspeeter-kun, you WERE gonna be in the movie, so jelly!

Waspeeter: Oooo, Waspeeter looking cool, buuuun! Kinda like my Animated self! Not like now, where Waspeeter got fat, buuun…

Rattle: Yeah, you stress ate cuz you didn’t get into Kingdom like we did.

Megatron: Bahhh, those slow processor scrap heaps were no fun. Nothing but War is Hell and politics! I kept telling them to get it out of first gear and crack a joke or twelve, gyahaha-spit- They told me one more out burst like that and they’d bring in my cousin and understudy Megaphone. -sigh-

Rattle: Huh, I thought something seemed off towards the end. That WAS Megaphone, wasn’t it?

Megatron: Eeugh, well enough of that! Who else would’ve made the cut, Rattle? Inferno? Terrorsaurer? Primus forbid Rampage or Tarans… -spits-

Rattrap: Er, about that, Megsy…

Megatron: WUUUHHHHAAAAAT?!?! That delinquent crab would’ve gotten his big screen debut before me??? Did he threaten to beat up the director guy if he didn’t get in?

Rattle: Strong possibility that’s why he was cut… I heard he was s’posed t’cameo as a corpse anyhow. Not da most thrilling of big screen roles.

Megatron: -giggles- Yet still oddly appropriate for Rampage-kun, gyahaha-spits-!

Waspeeter: I wonder if Depth Charge-san was gonna be in it too, buuun.

Megatron: Who cares about the Cybertrons?! I wanna see more of the Destrons! Perhaps we got the deadly Black Widow-chan pin ups, yes~? Rattle: Uh, well, they’re deadly and poisonous a’ight, but not exactly Black Widow material…

Megatron: …I have no idea who this is. This isn’t one of our guys…

Rattle: I wanna say it’s one of Lio Convoy’s band a’weirdos…? Swan Dive or some such?

Megatron: A Cybertron?! What a load of crock!

Waspeeter: Oooh! It’s gotta be Goosher-chaaan~! He and me went to Seibertron Primary School together when we were little, buuuun~!

Megatron: Isn’t that Gigatron’s toady?

Waspeeter: I mean technically Gelshark was the more direct toady, but yeah, buun.

Megatron: I thought Gelshark turned into a shark… Bah! Whatever it’s not one of mine anyway.

Rattle: ‘Old on, lemme consult the database. TFWiki, type type type, ok so it IS a Destron. Some frog called Spittor. Seems like someone you’d like, Megsy…

Megatron: I have no idea what you mean…! -spits-

Rattle: Riiight… Anyhow, Spittor did serve under you in some media, but he mostly appeared in comics, like da IDW stuff.

Megatron: Unless it was manga by Shoji Imaki, Naoto Tsushima, Hayato Sakamoto or Chromedome, I don’t care.

Rattle: Well we have one more Destron, and it was a guy who appeared in our show…

Waspeeter: Buuun? Dinobot 2?

Megatron: It’s Tarans, isn’t it.

Rattle: I mean it IS somebody you love to hate.

Megatron: EEEEEEEEEEGGGHHHH?!? Ram Horn??! The Trypticon Council would’ve made it on the big screen before MEEEEE?! This is outrrrRRAAAAGEOUS!

Waspeeter: I mean technically we were on the big screen back then, Mega-sama…!

Megatron: THAT DOESN’T COUNT, WASPEETER! Stupid clip show redubs…! Aaaargh, Megatron out. Beeeeast MODE! -transforms into his transmetal beast mode, and starts roller blading away- Hmph! I’m gonna go start a petition campaign to get me in the sequels of Beast Awakening!

Waspeeter: Aaah, Mega-sama! -transforms and follows- Don’t roller blade in anger, buuun!

Rattle: Pssh, what a drama queen. That being said, I hope I’m in da sequels too… Mebbe a petition ain’t such a bad idea. Beast Mode! -transforms- Time to go grease some palms, nyehehe!

-Beast Wars Metals closing theme HALLELUYAH starts playing as he toddles off-

#blueike productions #transformers #blueike #maccadam #beast wars transformers #beast wars metals #beast wars again #transformers rise of the beasts #japanese transformers #macadam #predacons #maximals

[jamieaiken919]

✍️💞🏷️🌦️📝 For the ask game, maybe both for Codz and Mst3k perhaps?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HI @shinmiyovvi IVE GOT ANSWERS FOR THESE FINALLY!!! I’m gonna put it behind a cut just because it’s long, but HERE WE GO!!!

So first up we’ve got Call of Duty Zombies, and my always beloved Edward!

✍️: Overall, how does the fandom trait you? Are you a beloved character, or hated? Are you popular, or a minor side character? Anything in between?

I hope the fandom traits me well… I’ve already seen what happens when they don’t lol. Hopefully I’d be relatively popular, considering I’m stuck in with the main crews.

💞: Aside from with your f/o, who else would you commonly be shipped with? Why?

UH. EXCELLENT QUESTION LOL. Maybe Takeo???

🏷️: What is you and your f/o’s ship name?

Fox and Bun! Or The Fox and The Bun in longer form lol. I’m the fox, he’s the bunny!

🌦️: Would you be accompanied by mostly fluff or angst fanfics? Both? Explain why.

Ooh, good question… hopefully fluff! I’m not and angst type of person- I’m the one that hopefully brings a little bit of light to the whole situation, and I hope that it would translate into how others perceive me.

📝: How would your story in canon go? How would you influence the events of the original story?

UM. I haven’t actually thought a whole lot about me being in their story, honestly. I spend so much time with my modern AU that I haven’t thought about it the other way around! BUT- I’m definitely an American, warped from my modern day back to their time and universe, and stumbled upon by the ultimis crew. I carry on with them on their adventures until the primis crew comes across us, and through thorough convincing I tell them to ignore the stupid fucking book and work together to defeat the real problem. Oh yeah and the Richtofens fall in love with me of course lol.

AND NOW- Mystery Science Theater 3000, and my sweet Mikey Moo!

✍️: Overall, how does the fandom trait you? Are you a beloved character, or hated? Are you popular, or a minor side character? Anything in between?

I really hope I would be trained well… I’d kinda have to be a main character by design, so I really hope I’d make a good impression on the fandom.

💞: Aside from with your f/o, who else would you commonly be shipped with? Why?

OH IVE GOT AN IDEA FOR THIS LMAO. I’m gonna say either Dr. Clayton Forrester or Observer! (he’s also nicknamed Brain Guy lol)

🏷️: What is you and your f/o’s ship name?

Space Age Love Song! (which is the title of a song by the band A Flock of Seagulls- huge thank you to @maninthebox242 for thinking of that!)

🌦️: Would you be accompanied by mostly fluff or angst fanfics? Both? Explain why.

FLUFF. Mike and I are both awkward little beans and that alone lends itself to fluff galore. Add in the fact that we’ve got two wisecracking little robots as roommates and that lends itself even more to the fluff!

📝: How would your story in canon go? How would you influence the events of the original story?

SO. A lot of this isn’t gonna make much sense without knowing the backstory of the show, but I’ll give the cliffsnotes version lol- after Dr. Forrester’s assistant leaves him, he’s in search of a new assistant, which is where I come in. I’m mostly in the background though, so Mike doesn’t see much of me during his communications with Clayton. It’s only when Clayton’s mother Pearl starts to come around that trouble starts to happen. She thinks my presence is softening her son, and despite his protests, she takes it upon herself to send me up to the Satellite of Love to be a part of the MST3K experiment. This is when Mike and I first properly meet, and we almost immediately start harboring tiny little crushes on each other. Of course, Crow and Servo are in complete disbelief over this lol. But as we spend more time on the SoL together, we grow closer too. And the little crushes turn into big crushes lol.

#shinmiyovvi #asks #answers #self ship stuff #self shipping on main #fox and bun #🦊🐰 #space age love song

[fancoloredglasses]

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Making it fun to yell at the movie since 1975), Part 1

[All images are owned by 20th Century Fox Disney....wait, really?! Anyway, please don't sue, kill, eat, or...whatever they did to everyone at the end...me]

WARNING: This review is NSFW, as it deals with sexual themes. You’ve been warned.

Are you OK with this? Good, then let’s continue.

(Thanks to 20th Century Studios)

In 1973 a little-known actor named Richard O’Brien decided to write and compose a musical stage production as a way to explore his own questions about his sexuality. Two years later, it was adapted for a movie…and late-night movies (especially around Halloween) haven’t been the same since.

While the movie wasn’t well-received as far as ticket sales went, when theaters started doing midnight showings of the film it developed a cult following, as well as becoming a banner for the queer community, with patrons of both genders dressing as the cast, as well as in their best feminine intimate wear…

(Thanks to Liverpool Echo)

…and talking back to/over the movie (a la MST3K) and bring props to display/throw (much to the employees’ chagrin. After all, they have to clean it all up after the movie’s over). Most theater-goers have a “script” of how they choose to do so (of course, if everyone has a different script in their head it can get very chaotic) If you’re curious, there are several versions online. Here’s one such example.

This review is going to be done slightly different than most, even the one that was essentially a musical in that I will be going over the songs after the clips (as most of the plot is driven through them) and will be including audience partici…

SAY IT!

…pation lines (at least the ones I do) on occasion. These will be done in chat font, as above.

(Word of warning, despite whatever I may say at the movie, it’s not intended to be mean-spirited. I’m just going along with the show)

So, without further ado, let’s get on with the show! If you would like to watch the film, it's behind your favorite paywall, or if you want the full experience, find out which of your local theaters is showing it on Halloween!

(Thanks to Dr. Frank-N-Furter)

So just whose lips are those? Well, scuttlebutt says that Mick Jagger volunteered his, but was turned down. Instead, those belong to Patricia Quinn (who plays Magenta). However, the voice is not Quinn’s, but O’Brien’s. Now, if you actually paid attention to the opening credits instead of just responding to the song, you’ll know exactly who is playing what. However, I will clue you in when they make their first appearance anyway.

Now, back to the movie as we dissolve to a church…

These lips died for your sins!

…where a wedding has just transpired (This is where the audience should start throwing rice at the screen). The photographer gets a photo of the happy couple and the family.

Now I have their souls!

The groom has a quick chat with his best man, Brad Majors, ...

ASSHOLE!

...played by Barry Bostwick (who was the mayor in Spin City) as the bride throws the bouquet

Hey, who has herpes?

…where it’s caught by Brad’s girlfriend, Janet Weiss, ...

SLUT!

...played by Susan Sarandon (who was half of Thelma and Louise)

This inspires Brad to sing to her. Before we get to the song, I have to wonder…

…who the hell puts a billboard in the middle of a cemetery? OK, on to the song!

(Thanks to Goldie McDuck)

OK, that’s an efficient church!

Those who are observant will recognize the church workers as O’Brien, Quinn, and Nell Campbell (AKA “Little Nell”). We’ll be discussing them later. For now, we go to the expository section of the film, narrated by “the Criminologist” (played by Charles Gray, who played Blofeld in a number of James Bond films)

…and has no fucking neck!

The Criminologist explains that, after getting engaged, Brad...

ASSHOLE!

...and Janet...

SLUT!

...decided to visit their old friend and former professor Dr. Everett Scott. He then foreshadows that the night is going to be memorable, but not in the way they’d hoped.

Speaking of the lovebirds, they’ve gotten hopelessly lost. Even worse, Brad’s car gets a blowout! Brad remembers passing a castle.

Castles don’t have phones, asshole!

Brad and Janet trudge through the rain to the castle. As the weather worsens, music starts to swell…

(Thanks to Gothic Witch Chick)

(Quick note: Susan Sarandon had pneumonia during filming. Props to her for doing this number in the rain in her condition)

Does the castle have what they need or is this the end for the happy couple? Tune in for Part 2 and find out!

#rocky horror picture show #tim curry #barry bostwick #susan sarandon #richard o'brien #meat loaf #musicals #audience participation #lgbtqiia+ #Fan Colored Glasses

[ksantillus]

Lots of exciting changes, some of which were unexpected. Starting a new job and overcoming most of my phone anxiety. Learning how to knit on a whim. Playing roller derby in Europe. Breaking my ankle in an absurd accident that had absolutely nothing to do with roller derby (I think I'm safer on skates). Oh, that and I got married, which was pretty fun.

I'm grateful for all my friends and family for helping me get through this year, especially my best friend and partner. Here's to another year, whatever that may bring!

now back to the MST3k marathon

#art vs artist 2023

[studentofetherium]

Well, I didn't say that anime fans who say anime has bad CGI haven't been watching enough Doctor Who for nothing. Honestly the shit production has always been part of the charm, I think

Literally "iconic" cameraman shaking a plunger

there's a massive difference between low-budget practical effects and low-budget digital effects

with practical effects, there's a more physical feeling to it. i'll use the MST3K set as an example

this is all pretty cheap because it's just a single shot, but there's a real sense of detail in the walls. a lot of this is super basic stuff, like the black vacuum in the background, or the basic designs of the robots, but it has a tactile feel. it's crowded. you can tell the actor is actually in the space which gives you a sense of the space itself

but on the other hand...

this isn't a real set. this is actors against a green screen. nothing there is real except the actors, so it all looks flat and lifeless. the lighting is wrong, too, since the background would have been created in isolation from the actors being filmed, and it being a stock background means that it was probably made ahead of time. both are "low budget" but one looks far better than the other because poorly done digital effects stick out much more than poorly done practical effects

to bring this back to doctor who, the reason why the old effects are better is because even if there was little in the way of budget, they had to be creative. even if a monster is just some guy in a shitty rubber suit, it's still a person there for the actor to react to and act against. if you compare that to a CGI monster like the doctor who reboot loves to use, it will look less real because there's less for the actor to perform against, in addition to the aforementioned issue of cheap digital effects looking worse than practical

and also, the show has been running for 60 years. it's a cultural touchstone it's been running long enough that people who grew up watching even just the reboot are now old enough to be having jobs on the show itself. there's far less of an excuse for it to have a terrible budget these days, and even if they;'re absolutely refused more than a pittance, then they could at least be using that money in a better way

i love CGI. i think CGI is great. i even enjoy low-budget and low quality CGI, assuming it's of its era. but CGI can be so good too so it feels like there's less and less of an excuse for why the show needs to remain looking so bad unless no one cares to make it look better. it's not 1963 anymore and it's not 2005 anymore

[mst3kproject]

Thor and the Amazon Women

Although the title sounds like some kind of incredibly bloated and dreary Marvel/DC crossover movie, this is actually the crummy Maciste flick that appeared over the opening credits of Cave Dwellers. The director, Antonio Leonviola, also made previous Episodes that Never Were Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules and Nobody Named Atlas Goes Anywhere Near the Land of the Cyclops. Those both sucked in ways that really weren't even any fun, so this is probably going to hurt.  I apologize in advance for the truly appalling picture quality... I think this movie has been copied and recopied more times than the Star Wars Holiday Special.

The Queen of the Amazons receives a prophecy that her rule will be ended by a man so powerful he will defeat a hundred and one of her troops without even using a weapon!  She decides she needs to get this guy before he can get her, and after getting some tips from her prisoners, sends a party out to find him.  They locate the mighty hero Thor and wound him but are unable to capture him – instead, they imprison young Princess Tamar, daughter of the king the Amazon Queen deposed years ago.  Thor is nursed back to health by his cowardly friend Ubaratutu, and they set out to free Tamar, who has been forced to train as a gladiatrix, and fulfill the prophecy by bringing peaceful rule back to the land of Byblos.

So as I noted, this is my third Antonio Leonviola sword-and-sandal movie, and third time was definitely not the charm.  Amazon Women is by far the most racist, most sexist, and generally least entertaining of the lot.

Long ago I noted that Maciste films have a preponderance of tyrannical Evil Queens versus wise and fair Good Kings, as if the entire genre were preoccupied with the idea that women are incapable of rule.  At the time, I wondered if this were just because those were the films MST3K happened to pick, but I've seen a lot more of them now and yeah, turns out that's a thing.  Thor and the Amazon Women is particularly explicit about it, stating the philosophy out loud, repeatedly, through characters who are also women.

One notable moment of this comes at the climax, when Princess Tamar is wounded and believes she is dying.  Her adoptive father, her brother, and Thor, all urge her to live so that she can return to the throne and restore peace.  She replies that this is not a woman's job, but is in the hands of her twelve-year-old brother (whose name I never managed to decipher, but sounds a bit like 'Amoke'), who is clearly far more fit to rule than she.  At the end we see that she has survived after all, but that Amoke is king, and has made his friend Lulee his queen.  Lulee grew up among the Amazons and might have expected to wield some power in her own right, but seems quite content with this ending.

(I'm pretty sure Amoke and Lulee were dubbed by the same person, a grown woman doing a squeaky 'kid' voice.  Being as there are two of them, this is twice as annoying as in movies like Pod People that do it only once.)

That's not even the worst of it, though.  Earlier, a couple of the gladiatrices met to discuss overthrowing the queen, and they agreed that the rule of women is unnatural and that they were happier when they were subservient to their husbands!  At another point, Thor tells the queen that rule requires the use of force, which is natural to men but unnatural to women.  In other Maciste movies, the idea that women are naturally submissive was an undercurrent, possibly something the writers weren't even thinking about.  In Thor and the Amazon Women it is front and centre.

If this movie has a raison d'être besides telling the women in the audience to get back in the kitchen, it's showing the men in the audience scenes of women in skimpy outfits fighting each other to the death.  There are quite a few of these, and they are stunningly bad.  There's no fight choreography and none of these actresses look like they've ever picked up a sword or spear before in their lives.  If you told me the first time they handled the prop weapons was the day of shooting, I would believe you.  Of course, none of the actresses are at all muscular because that might be perceived as unfeminine... and I guess if the fight scenes were actually good the male audience might feel threatened instead of turned on.  At least it's kinda funny when they theatrically 'die' with an opponent's spear tucked under one arm like kids on a playground.

So there's the sexism.  The racism is brought to us by Ubaratutu and the Queen of the Amazons, both of whom are black.  The former is an absolute buffoon, who calls Thor 'master', expresses cowardice at every opportunity, and makes stupid decisions in the name of comic relief.  The latter is a cruel tyrant who suppresses dissent with merciless torture and bloodshed, and who we're told has repeatedly married men, spent a few days fucking them, and then had them killed when she gets tired of them – this was almost Ubaratutu's fate. Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules had Bangor, a similar black sidekick character, but treated him with slightly less contempt.  If you watch the movies in the order of their release (Atlas, then Mole Men, then Amazon Women) it's as if you can see Leonviola growing more and more bigoted over the course of the 1960s!

Some Maciste-type movies at least have nice sets and costumes for us to look at while all this bullshit goes on – even Nobody Named Atlas Goes Anywhere Near the Land of the Cyclops had that.  Thor and the Amazon Women must have had much less money behind it, because nearly the whole thing is filmed in a cave.  The opening credits thank the Yugoslavian government for allowing them to film in the Postojna cave system, and it's their only location.  I am not exaggerating when I say there isn't a single building in the entire film.  The shepherding people who raised Tamar and Amoke appear to live in tents in the wilderness.  They literally couldn't afford sets.

It appears to have been very cold in those caves, too... you can see the actress' breath in a couple of scenes.  It must have sucked wearing those off-the-shoulder minidresses in there.

There's only one thing going on in this movie that really had the potential to be interesting, and that's the way the Queen (who never has a name as far as I can tell – IMDB just calls her 'the Black Queen') brings about her own downfall in the attempt to prevent it. This is a theme associated mostly with Greek tragedy, most famously Oedipus, and suggests that the will of the gods is inevitable. The Oracle's warning leads the Queen to look for Thor in the hope of destroying him before he can destroy her.  Her troops fail to capture him but bring back Tamar, and it is the need to rescue Tamar that brings Thor to the Queen's domain.  If she'd left him alone, he would never have known about her.

When the Queen finally does have Thor in her power, she decides to put him to the test – the oracle said that he would be able to overcome a hundred and one of the Queen's warriors using only the strength of his hands.  The intelligent thing for the Queen to do would have been just to kill him, since he matches the prophecy in every other detail and she's got complete power over him in that moment.  Instead, she does indeed devise a test that pits him against a hundred and one of her best troops, not in battle but in a game of tug-of-war!  She could at least have tried to rig things by throwing one extra warrior in there or something.

This is why Oedipus works, and things like Thor and the Amazon Women do not.  Oedipus never makes a stupid mistake – his mistakes were made under circumstances when he could not have been expected to know better.  He just keeps pursuing the truth, even as his wife begs him to leave well enough alone.  Characters like the Queen of the Amazons have to do a series of dumb things despite having obvious better options, and therefore are destroyed not by the inevitability of divine will but by the equal inevitability of human stupidity.  I suppose we're meant to think she was actually destroyed by her hubris, but if she felt that secure on her throne why was she even worried about Thor in the first place?

The idea that the bad guys get the hero's attention by seeking to destroy him first is a common one in Maciste-type movies.  It kind of needs to be, because in many cases the plots have to find a way to bring the hero to a distant land and get him involved in a situation that really has nothing to do with him.  The prophecy thing is just the easiest way to do so, and in many cases I suspect this is the main thing the writers were thinking about.  They weren't actually interested in Greek tragedy, they were just being lazy.

Man, this movie sucks.  Remember the minute-and-a-half or so of footage from this that appeared in Cave Dwellers and mostly showed Thor and Ubaratutu wandering in some woods somewhere?  You can consider that Thor and the Amazon Women's highlight reel. Everything on screen here is absolute garbage.

#mst3k #reviews #episodes that never were #thor and the amazon women #fuck this movie #my cheese steak #60s

[unfortunately-a-fangirl]

Since you asked several I got another

What piece of art has made you cry the hardest?

Ended up being a really long one. Rest is below the cut, but I don't really cry all too much. It's really hard for me, I don't know why, but it is annoying. For most of these it's to the verge of tears, though Everything, Everywhere, All at Once got a Death of a Salesman type cry out of me.

In terms of Film:

When Marnie was There (2015), The Wind Rises (2016?), and Everything, Everywhere, All At Once (2022) all got me real close to crying. EEAAT specifically hit me really hard, because pointing at the screen Joy is just like me for realsies (she isn't but the story was something I sympathized with). When Marnie was There was a story that I think spoke to me somewhat when I was younger, but I didn't realize it, and I wasn't really prepared to process what it got me to feel. The Wind Rises is just about an artist fundamentally, though the framing is about the construction of the Zero, the film is adapted from a manga Miyazaki wrote, which was in turn based loosely on a series of dreams he had where a role model he had would visit him, and (to bring it back to point) it comes through in the film as Miyazaki thinking about how his career is coming to a close. That's what I think, at least.

Also, not crying, but I'm still thinking about Lawrence of Arabia (1963?). It's a film that stays on my mind and I'm not sure Why.

In terms of Television:

Puelli Madoka Magi Magica (2011-2011) I think yoinked the most tears out of the tear ducts. Themes surrounding the social contract, loss, and lesbianism + the USB-ification of a certain member of the cast early on really helped get me invested early so that seeing homura and madoka's actions in the final episodes + rebellion really hit hard. Idk stories about having to sacrifice memories really strike me in a specific way. For other TV shows, uhh MST3K probably got me rolling on the floor more than once. It's really good!

In terms of Video Games (if the LoC says they're art, they're art to me):

Disco Elysium (2019, 2021).

In terms of Music:

Windows 96's 100 Mornings has a very listless feel to it that really got me to cry a bunch when I was younger, though now it's more just listless and a sort of wall-staring component for me (cf. Boa's Duvet, or Gorillaz's Melancholy Hill)

Though uh what was it Jesus Beleibt Meine Freude? by Bach also got me staring at walls and ceilings largely because like, you know, the funny evangelion song, but it's been exorcised of all sadness by Mister Manticore's JESUSINVIETNAM. I would need to think hard, but Chernaya Noch, Hills of Manchuria, Gloomy Sunday, and probably a few others got me sad and crying at times. But I don't think I have much in terms of music to cry to.

In terms of painted works:

idk man, not much off the top of my head, sorry. Theres a lot of pretty art out there and the Romantics always sort of got that same wall-stare out of me as mentioned above. Emphasizing a hollowness I feel within myself

ANYWAY :] thanks for asking a lot of the things mentioned here are good :[ some aren't, but thanks!!!

#an ask thing! :) #an ask thing about *me*!!!

[ambassadorquark]

i havent seen the northman yet although i’d like to because i like eggers & idk if i would particularly enjoy it but i do hope it inspires more people to make deranged barbarian films. bring back MST3K level godawful historical pulp idc if we’re past it culturally. movies should be worse

#beep boop #when someone makes a lurid gory gladiator movie thats also gay you will realize #actually i should just go ahead and write the treatment for this and be the change i want to see in the world

[niannianyabao]

So Bride of Re-Animator is kinda hard to find on any streaming service. I snatched a DVD, so I am taking the opportunity to live blog it. For science

HILL’S HEAD IS FLOATING IN THE DARK LIKE THIS IS THE ROCKY FREAKING HORROR SHOW. CLASSY. Clearly a step up from those neon anatomical drawings in the original. Please forget that bit where it was messily crushed to death in the original. Forget a lot of things.

“You killed my girlfriend and now you want to go to a Peruvian warzone? MY MULLET AND I ARE ON BOARD.” 

DAN WE ARE EVEN MORE DIRECTLY BEING FRANKENSTEIN NOW WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND. 

“Let’s go home.” 

Oh no I take it back we’re just going to plain REDO the floating Grey’s Anatomy credits from the first flick. Now with….floaty romantic music? BECAUSE LADIES?

My name is Doctor Daniel Cain, and I cannot maintain proper doctor/patient boundaries. This is my associate Doctor Herbert West, who does not approve of me being in the same breathing space as women. 

AND NOW. Exposition with the obvious greedy bastard and some guy we don’t really care about. 

LOL BODY PARTS KEEP DISAPPEARING FROM OUR MORGUE NBD THOUGH

THAT LAUGH. THAT LAUGH IS A DELIGHT ALWAYS

HERBERT MAKES BAD PUNS. DAD PUNS. THAT IS CANON THANKS TO THIS MOVIE. 

This chest of drawers will SURELY protect us from the undead I’ve been experimenting on next door! I SAW IT IN A ZOMBIE MOVIE, DAN. 

Paper Mache iguana has nothing on hilarious puppet cat.

DAN. DAN LOOK AT MY ARTS AND CRAFTS. DAN. DAN IT’S VERY SCIENCEY. DAN WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MY EYEBALL PET. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE MOVING OUT.

I’m so disappointed I hadn’t seen this before that Steven Universe episode.

HERBERT DON’T BRING UP THE DEAD GIRLFRIEND THAT IS RULE ONE. 

“LOOK I SAVED YOU HER HEART WILL YOU LOVE ME NOW”

Oh wow, Dan and Herbert have a nice lil place. It probably came prefurnished, but I like to think of them arguing over curtains.

There is an eyeball hand skittering around and it looks like a scene from MST3K AND I AM PLEASED. 

How do pacing.

Ohhhhhhhhh doctor dude you can’t play with the green ooze. ONLY WEST CAN PLAY WITH THE GREEN OOZE STOP FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR LIFE

See, now he’s being attacked by wires. 

Dan and Herbert’s brilliant corpse stealing scheme involves Weekend at Bernie’s sunglasses. Of course it does. 

Let’s all have a hilarious comedy of errors about hiding our reanimated body parts! 

Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime heaaaaaaad

OH FRANCESCA HONEY. DON’T DO IT. You seem nice, and nobody makes it out of kissing Dan alive. RUN. 

Dean Halsey: the only one who didn’t make it out of this retcon alive

Isn’t a sequel supposed to be LESS ponderous and slow than its predecessor? 

THE DEAD CAN SENSE THE PLOT DEATH ON YOU. RUN.

Can this whole movie just be Dan and Herbert sciencing over low-end practical gore effects? These scenes are fun

Ahhhh, Herbert’s paranoid now about his work being stolen. A shred of character continuity!

Aaww, Herbert’s so cute when he smiles about living, disembodied limbs. Then immediately glares up when he realizes Dan has left him to see this alone. 

Aaaaaaand that’s a foot-hand. Fand.  A walking fand. That’ll…show him?

Oh hey, Dan owns the perfectly white sheets found only in that “Total Eclipse of the Heart” music video!

Herbert no. Do not jealously spy on Dan having sex. That’s weird. That’s not going to help your wooing. Why are you wooing him with corpses.

DON’T KICK HIM WHILE HE’S DOWN, DETECTIVE CREEPO

That is some REAL GOOD SEX if Dan doesn’t hear all this shouting and banging around down in the Lab of Secrets

I mean technically he does a lot of self defensive murdering and using of natural corpses. Cinnamon Herbert 2023?

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS REMINDS ME OF. YOU KNOW WHAT. HERBERT IS MRS. LOVETT AND DAN IS SWEENEY TODD. HOLY SHIT. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. 

Smol scientist gets tossed around a lot in this’n

DAN HE BEATS UP LADIES IT IS TOTALLY OKAY TO KILL HIM AGAIN GO FOR IT

FRANCESCA YOU WERE A DOCTOR IN A WAR ZONE SURELY YOU HAVE BETTER PRESERVATION SKILLS THAN THIS

NO NOT THE DOG. FUCK YOU, MOVIE

“Hey Dan I reanimated your girlfriend’s dog do you love me now? Does this count as a Good?”

“YES I gave him a human hand, what did you not want me to IMPROVE him?”

Whaaaaaaaat do you mean that caused her to leave you well I GUESS THAT MEANS WE CAN GO BACK TO SCIENCING NOW.

Why won’t he talk to me I AM CONFUSE. 

every second of Herbert West, Confused Scientist Courter is gold

“Y’see, terminal patient, I sort of like to think of you as my dead girlfriend. That’s not creepy, is it?”

Oh movie. You had to put literal blood on his hands, didn’t you.

….Have you actually left that room in these several days, doctor whose name I didn’t actually catch?

Remember how Hill could control the dead in the first movie and it made the least sense? WE’RE BRINGING IT BACK WITH LESS SENSE NOW

YES. PUT HIM IN THE TRASH. BUT STOMP ON HIM FOR GOOD MEASURE.

REALLY FURNACE SCHMUCK? Surely West’s GROSSLY RAMPANT MISOGYNY is pretty apparent at this point

AH THERE IS THE GAY I HAVE BEEN MISSING. Sad puppy eyes Herbert. Just wants Dan to SCIENCE with him like they used to.

Herbert this is the worst seduction speech ever. YOU STOLE HIS PILLOW TALK TO USE ON HIM

Well this is officially the best scene. Good job Jeffrey Combs

WHY IS HILL EVEN IN THIS MOVIE

Uh…..yeah Dan. We have rats. just rats. Totally not my experiments

And there’s a thunderstorm. Of course there’s a thunderstorm

“OH MY GOOOOOD HE WANTS TO PARTICIPATE WE ARE GONNA BE SUCH GREAT DADS TO THIS CORPSE.” 

There is a head with bat wings for ears. It is flying around the living room

Just

thought you might all like to know that

Also undead abuse victim is getting her reanimated revenge on undead dickwad cop. So….that subplot happened

All of the budget went into the makeup work on the Bride, didn’t it

I mean it’s a pretty lovely guro design

Dan please don’t try to bone her she was just born what are you doing she doesn’t know what consent is

What is your fascination with the undead old lady, movie

Herbert does not know how to empathy. That is not how you treat the newly sentient

Herbert you wouldn’t have this problem if you didn’t leave so many zombies running around

Whoaaaaaaa Dan has skipped merrily right off the deep end

“MY GOD. THEY’RE USING TOOLS.”

FUCK YEAH COMBS DOING MONOLOGUES

Ah, he’s gone from /I/ created life to OUR girl. And then to “dead tissue.” Whatever will keep Dan on his side, I suppose.

DAN THIS IS NOT HER FAULT WHY ARE YOU BEING A DICK

The recurrence of the spurned lover offering the heart as a gift. Poor Bride. Poor Herbert, even if he’s also a terrible human

Okay now, this is just a poor excuse to have a corpse party

Ooooh, nice decomposition effect

Head. Bat wings.

AND the zombies are poorly lit. Boooo

I believe this is what they call hubris, Herbert

THAT IS THE WORST ENDING. GO BACK AND TRY AGAIN. 

Pacing’s poor, flabbiest 90 minutes I’ve ever seen. But I DID enjoy the bits where Dan and Herbert got to play off each other again (and wow is Herbert the jealous type). Worth watching for that. 

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Tonight I watched Star Wars….

Oh, yeah, look. I know the young folks call it “A New Hope” or “Episode IV”, but when I was growing up the first movie was “Star Wars”. If Lucas still expects me to accept his tinkering after I had LITERALLY seen the movies more than 100 times, then I’m never gonna use his rebranding.

Yes, really. 100 times.

I worked my ass off cutting brush growing up to earn enough money to buy the movies on VHS. This is back in the days they were rental priced. I think I paid $75 per movie and then went and bought the Han vest and Luke jacket the fan club was also selling.** When I got those three tapes I would sit there a day watching the movies like an endless loop, starting over as soon Jedi was over. And I actually kept count on a chalk board!

It’s soooo damn embarrassing now! I can’t get my head around it. i can’t even stand to watch two episodes of a tv show back to back now. But back then I was in love, a total fangirl..

Plus, yah know, no streaming, no internet even, no cable, a handful of VHS tapes because they cost so much still, and the nearest video rental places a couple shelves in Roses 10 miles away! If you wanted to watch something at home there weren’t many choices! LOL

But I did love it, a deep unconditional love. The visceral thrill I felt as a six year old sitting by my father rippled through my life for decades. I’d watch the movie and feel it again every single time. It was a delight that was filled with the warmth of something connecting with you in a way that if feels it was always there. It was like a part of identity manifest in a movie***. Empire was my favorite, but Star Wars would always have a special place in my heart.

Or so I thought.

**sigh**

I wish I could feel what I always used to feel. I felt nothing tonight. No warmth. No delight. Just a hollowness.

And then I went into a full MST3K monologue, mocking my once beloved movie. I wish someone had been here to laugh. I miss laughter. Saying something and someone else snickering or smiling or even totally losing it in gales of laughter…now that’s one of the most wonderful things in the world.

But I couldn’t even feel the humor. Just nothing.

I’m not sure it’s the fault of Star Wars. I’m not feeling anything much from things I have always loved. Nothing brings delight. Not anything I watch or read or listen to or eat or wear or do or…. I can’t blame any of it on what I loved failing me. They are unchanged (well, relatively…damn you Lucas) but something about me has.

I’ve had all my hope worn away. It’s too hard to be happy anymore. Surviving is all I feel like I do, but I’m doing it by habit and my core obstinance rather than caring.

You can’t really love if you can’t even care. I know I love these things, but it’s like knowing you are supposed to love someone while suffering from amnesia.

Funny though that I can still feel grief over all this. I mourn loving things. It scares me, this nothingness where I always felt so much.

** I wore that vest to school every single day for at least a year! It’s so beyond ridiculous!

I mean, I always seemed to have a “thing” I wore like a life line, connecting me to the “real” me. School was traumatic, and I was losing myself to to it. I’d gone from extravert to introvert, and told myself I was just acting to survive. But I felt it happening, the crippling insecurity, the fear of people, seeping into my bones. So I’d wear something. For it a few years it was my ankh (lost), then my amethyst amulet (lost), then my denim jacket with a daily rotation of buttons/ pins/badges/brooches, and finally my leather jacket (my beloved). But that year did I have to latch onto this utterly geeky bit of clothing???

Of course, no one ever seemed to guess it was from Star Wars. You see, the movies were super popular, but geeks were NOT. To admit you knew what it was was to admit you were a geek too. I was the school’s (a K-12 school at that!) only open geek. I even wrote my senior year term paper on comics….’cause fuck it, I’ll never be popular but I can at least be me!

Gah, I remember Coach G—— (how victorian of me!) , the health/PE/science teacher, used to stand behind me pulling at the loops on the back of the vest. He’d be talking away and suddenly I’d feel the yank, yank, yank he pulled me back and forth. Drove me nuts, but hey, at least he never groped me like I heard some girls had to deal with.

(WTF was with our school always having the coaches teach science when most of them had no interest or knowledge of the subject?? Tells you the value they put in science here, and why my father did a TON of volunteer work in those classes!

***TBH, I had this feeling that all the movies, books, comics, and tv shows I loved created a I kind of mosaic of me. To know what I loved was find out all the puzzle pieces you needed to see who I was. I desperately wanted to be understood. The things I liked would let me be found by someone.

Actually, wearing my geekiness out in the open was like advertising! I was hoping against hope someone would one day see a book I was reading or a t-shirt I was wearing and say “Hey! I like that too!!”

Which is a bit absurd. No two people see things the same way. The thing I liked my be perceived completely differently by someone else. WHY I like what I like is the actual key, and I’m the only one really that knows that.

Plus, hick town, teeny population, still in the anti-geek era…..yeah, I wasn’t exactly gonna get lucky. My parents did when they met, but to think I would too is like expecting to win the lottery because your parents did!

#my day #star wars #emotions #depressed #I am so damn tired #I’m angry at myself for not caring #life is so hard and lonely but I only have myself to blame #I’m trapped to live and die in this little cage #I just wish I belonged somewhere #or still had any reason to hope things could get better #my life is just too crumbled #but no worries #I’ll just keep living because fuck you universe #I just worry I will become an angry bitter bitch that makes everyone that sees her miserable

[thezanyarthropleura]

March 15 (1967)

Happy 56 years to Gamera vs. Gyaos, the third film in the Showa era. Strange coincidence that in going by release dates, we’ve hit the three most Gyaos-centric movies in reverse chronological order.

We’re getting into the ‘mainline Showa’ films now, a term I’m using to refer to the first 7 Showa era films produced contiguously every year from 1965 to 1971 (excluding Gamera: Super Monster, which was produced nine years later in 1980 and in my eyes, is distinct enough in its story and characters to have earned its own category).

These are the earliest Gamera films, often regarded as bottom-of-the-barrel Kaiju cinema and almost always originally produced for a target audience of exclusively children. The storylines tend to have relatively little depth, and you aren’t going to find many women in these movies beyond the mothers and occasionally sisters of the child protagonists – and later, scary space villains (there are a few notable exceptions I’ll mention when we get to those particular films). Thus, I’m left with ranking these ones on very different merits than the later films, usually coming down to how much Showa Charmᵀᴹ they have or how entertaining I find the giant turtle antics. And personally, I do find that these films are a whole lot of fun once you’ve committed to them.

With all that said, I’ll admit I’m someone who, up until now, has only bothered to watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 versions of these movies (with the exception of Gamera vs. Viras, the sole mainline Showa film to have eluded the MST3K treatment as of 2022). However, the film versions presented on MST3K are usually heavily edited for time and utilize some of the infamously subpar Sandy Frank English dubbing, so for this month I’ve made it a point to track down and watch more complete versions of all of them – something I have in fact done for this movie here, and in my opinion, it’s definitely a worthwhile kaiju film to see in full.

First of all, Gamera vs. Gyaos is a very, very interesting film to watch as a fan of Guardian of the Universe, since that film takes many of its beats from this one – Gyaos taking foot damage, Gamera burrowing up from underground in an ambush, the inclusion of a sports stadium, etc. I’ll bring special attention to Gamera healing an arm injury underwater, because this scene fades back and forth in a surreal manner with scenes featuring child protagonist Eiichi, who even is shown to be sleeping at the same time Gamera sleeps, implying possible subtext of some kind of mental link that would be made definitive text with Asagi in the later film.

Unlike that film, however, this one’s only female character of note is Eiichi’s older sister Sumiko, who doesn’t get to do much besides chaperone Eiichi around military conferences and dutifully defend the men in her family from wholly legitimate criticism.

Aside from scientists’ and the military’s (ultimately futile) efforts to combat the monster, which is the main staple of quite a few of these movies, the bulk of the human story surrounds the conflict between a road construction crew and a group of villagers refusing to sell their land – not because they have any particular attachment to the land or objection to the road, no, they want the road to be built, but Eiichi’s grandfather has convinced them all to hold out for a higher buying price. This comes back to bite them when Gyaos attacks, the work is halted, and the company starts considering an alternate route for the road. The villagers turn on him, but despite the film’s release date, do not in fact stab him twenty-three times on the senate floor. Instead, Sumiko intervenes with an impassioned speech from the heart and gets them to leave. Eiichi’s grandfather realizes his error, has a moment of reflection inspired by his grandson, and decides to… burn an entire forest down so the fire attracts Gamera, framing this as a sacrifice of his townspeople’s resources for the greater good of stopping Gyaos. And I have to imagine this probably worked better as an Aesop in the 1960s than it does today.

Now, it’s no secret that these early Gamera movies were made to cash in on the trend started by Ishiro Honda’s arguably more famous and enduring kaiju films, even if Gamera eventually shifted the goalposts and styled itself for a younger audience. I bring this up because Gamera vs. Gyaos is one of only two films in this series that I feel successfully replicated Ishiro Honda’s work both thematically and stylistically, the other being the previous film Gamera vs. Barugon. While Barugon has a moral center that works better today than Gyaos’ does, I feel Gyaos has better pacing, with three monster encounters spaced well throughout the film and a captivating narrative woven in between to great effect. There are, of course, moments where it errs toward the ridiculous (for instance, the military using a fountain of fake blood to lure Gyaos onto a giant merry-go-round to try to make it dizzy) but it’s nowhere near the extent of the later films, and there’s a certain quiet ambience to the village scenes (especially the film opener you would have missed by only watching the MST3K edition) that brings to mind the similar atmosphere in some of Honda’s greats.

For me, this movie ranks somewhere in the middle of the Showa films. There are others I’ve found to be more fun, or that get a slight edge from their characters and themes, and there are quite a few issues that weigh Gamera vs. Gyaos down, but purely as a classic tokusatsu film, it’s one that’s broadly enjoyable, and I suspect just about every kaiju fan who takes the time to watch it will find something to love.

Enjoy this movie with your favorite ballpark snack, Oreo cookies, and fruit punch.

#gamera #gamera vs gyaos #gamera vs gaos #gyaos #kanemaru sumiko #gamera march #a lesbian reviews all the gamera movies

[fancoloredglasses]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (making it cool to talk over the movie since 1988)

[All images are owned by Factory. Seeing as you got your material from public domain, I hope you would find it hypocritical to sue]

(Thanks to jumpsuitjoel)

I’m going to apologize ahead of time. The start of this review is gonna seem a bit dry and rambling, but I promise there’s a point.

In the days before cable, there were two types of stations on TVs:

Channels 2-13 (for whatever reason, there was no Channel 1) were VHF (or “Very High Frequency”) stations and had better reception on these things called “antennas” that were either large enough to need to be mounted to the top of houses or small enough to be on top of the TV (the good old-fashioned “rabbit ears”) These were usually the stations that were the local affiliates for the major networks (at the time those were ABC, NBC, PBS, and CBS) due to the signal being more expensive to maintain.

Channels 14 and up (83 until the 80s, then it was cut back to 69) were UHF (or “Ultra-High Frequency”) were cheaper to operate but often were difficult to receive depending on where the antenna was located, what was around it and its alignment (you either had to adjust the rabbit ears or install a device that would rotate the antenna on your house) The majority of these were unaffiliated (or “independent”) stations that mostly aired reruns and local-interest programming (like sporting events involving the Home Team) When cable took over and every production company wanted their own network (Fox, UPN, WB, CW, etc.), most of these were gobbled up as affiliates.

You may be asking what the history of broadcast TV has to do with Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or “MST3K”) Trust me, I’m getting to that.

One of the mainstays of independent stations is the afternoon movies. Most stations on weekends from noon until prime time would have a steady stream of older movies. They tended to have the same hundred or so movies on rotation (did you miss The Ghost and Mr. Chicken on the afternoon movie? No sweat, it’ll be back in about 3 months!) The reason the movies were older was they were cheaper to purchase. In fact, some were so old they were in the public domain and could be bought by the station for next to nothing!

Now, a lot of these movies were, shall we say, less than fresh if Rotten Tomatoes had existed when they came out (why do you think they were so cheap?) Which brings us to our review.

A comedian named Joel Hodgson approached an independent station in Minneapolis about a way to “spice up” the stinkers the station had acquired: he and his friends would crack jokes at the movie. The backstory was that he’s forced to watch them after being imprisoned on a spacecraft known as the Satellite of Love. The show was enough of a hit that the idea was bought by the Comedy Channel (later Comedy Central)

The premise stayed pretty much the same, but Joel was an employee of a company known as the Gizmonics Institute.

His supervisor Dr. Clayton Forrester and his minion assistant who went by the name “TV’s Frank” were the ones who kidnapped Joel and shipped him off to the Satellite of Love. The plan was that they would see how long it would take a steady diet of bad movies to drive Joel insane.

Joel might’ve succumbed to madness had he not scavenged parts of the satellites to build robotic companions (though given their personalities, it may have already been too late for poor Joel)

Tom Servo is one of the bots that Joel watches the films with along with...

...Crow T. Robot.

Gypsy controls the major functions of the Satellite of Love. Since that takes up much of her processing power, she can sometimes seem a bit slow-witted.

Cambot is the primary means of communication between Forrester and the Satellite of Love.

After 6 seasons (including Minnesota), Joel decided to leave the show. However, Dr. Forrester needed a new guinea pig for their experiment so...

(Thanks to Xander Lars Knight)

Other than the change in guinea pigs, nothing much changed.

Two seasons later, TV’s Frank was killed off leaving Dr. Forrester alone in his lab, so he brought in...

...his mother Pearl. This lasted one season before Comedy Central cancelled the show. However, the show got life as a feature film (so...a movie about guys talking over a movie?) before being picked up by the Sci-Fi Network (what is now known as SyFy)

Due to lack of funding. Dr. Forrester cut his losses (literally; he sent the Satellite of Love into deep space!), but 500 years in the future, a cyrogenically frozen Pearl (don’t ask) is thawed and she drags the Satellite of Love back to Earth to continue the experiment (and Mike hasn’t aged much in the meantime) until the series was finally ended with season 10 (until it was revived on Netflix in 2017 with a new guinea pig named Jonah. I haven’t seen the new series but I can’t imagine the format has changed much)

These days, Foundry (the production company that owns MST3K has started a streaming service where you can watch the first 10 seasons for free.

As always, if you would like to see any episodes reviewed (how exactly would I do that? I mean, the cast is already telling better jokes than I could...), let me know.

And now for the sign off...

(Thanks to DovahBudgie100)

#mystery science theater 3000 #mst3k #joel hodgson #mike nelson #tom servo #crow t robot #clayton forrester #tv's frank #pearl forrester #Fan Colored Glasses