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#brooklyn 99 quotes

*Neverseen are getting away*

Keefe: They’re getting away! All right, Sophie give me your hairdryer.

Sophie: What? What are you talking about?

Keefe: Your hairdryer, dont you carry it in your purse?

Sophie: What? Keefe, have you ever actually met a woman?

*hails Biana through his Imparter*

Keefe: Do carry a hairdryer in your purse?

Biana: Of course, I’m not an animal.

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200 Brooklyn 99 Prompts



1 “Talk to him, that’s what friends do.” “Nope. I’m gonna wait ‘til I’m on my deathbed, get in the last word and then die immediately.” “That’s your plan for dealing with this?” “That’s my plan for dealing with everything. I have seventy-seven arguments I’m going to win that way.”

2 “I’m already seeing somebody, NAME.” “Oh, and just like that, things got interesting.” “And just like that, I left.”

3 “NAME is even wearing his/her formal leather jacket.” “It’s the one without any blood on it.”

4 “Right, that’s the guy/girl you said the lame stuff about. Like he’s/she’s a good listener.” “Sorry, what do you look for in a guy/girl?” “Real stuff, like the shape of his/her ass.”

5 “Sorry I’m late. I had to go back to the deli and return my Everything Bagel. In what world does everything not include beef jerky?” “All of them.”

6 “He/She also likes to look up recipes online and go, “Who’s got the time?”

7 “Thank you, NAME. Your entire life is garbage.”

8 “NAME , tell us about your family.” “I have one.”

9 “Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.”

10 “I am dating his/her nephew/niece. Now we are hanging out on weekends. What is next? Oh! Small talk.”

11 “Wait, is that a smile I see?” “Possibly. My immune system is too weak to fight off my smile muscles.”

12 “Whoa, what happened? You know what, forget it. I’ll just read NAME’s notes.”

13 “NAME? Are you stuck in there?” “No, I’m in here by choice.” “Oh, 'cause I hear some banging noises as if someone was struggling to open the door.” “No. That was the pipes.” “Or, is it the sound of you learning how to ask for help? You know, you can’t spell ‘independent’ without ‘dependent.’” “And you can’t spell ‘Go [bleep] yourself’ without ‘[bleep] you.’”

14 “I’ve said “excuse me” more times this morning than I have in my entire life. Twice!”

15 “Oh, nothing better after a long shift than coming to BAR NAME. It’s like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.” “A place where everybody knows your name is hell. You’re describing hell.”

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… Should have done this one sooner, but it was good I didn’t, bc I needed a pick me up after being so salty this morning:

Aruto: Oh, hey, AIMS. Did you get our message?
Isamu: Yes, we saw it. I have to admit… Nice work.
Aruto: Thanks, Dad. (deadpan) … Why is everyone staring at me?
Yua: You just referred to Fuwa as ‘Dad.’ You said ‘thanks, Dad.’
Aruto: What? No I didn’t! I said ‘thanks, man.’
Isamu: Do you… See me as a father figure?
Aruto: No! If anything, I see you as a ‘bother’ figure because you’re always bothering me!
Horobi: Show your father some respect.
Aruto: I didn’t call him ‘dad.’
Isamu: No, no. Hold on. I’m not sure how I feel about this, either.
Jin: I don’t get it. I call Horobi ‘Papa’ all the time.
Izu: That’s because he’s your actual father. Fuwa-san and Aruto-shachou have no relation.
Aruto: Okay, ‘Papa’ isn’t even on the table, here.
Gai: But you did call him ‘dad.’
Aruto: Shut up! You’ve done nothing but lie since you got here!
Yua: Don’t raise your voice like that!
Aruto: … Sorry, Mom. (even longer deadpan) Shit.

Immediately afterwards, Aruto is promptly chastised for swearing.

Okay, I took some liberties w/ the end, bc I wanted an excuse to have him call Yua ‘mom,’ too. ^^

I feel like there could also be a version of this where Izu calls Horobi ‘dad,’ though she probably wouldn’t be as vehement in denying it.

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… Gonna go back to writing for a bit, but found another that’d work for multiple characcters:

Yua: Fuwa, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.
Isamu: Ooh, someone’s in trouble. (beat) … It’s me. I don’t know why I did that.

Bc Isamu is actually super childish and it’s funny.

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… But I had to:

Isamu: I wasn’t hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood’s supposed to be.

Yua is in the background banging her head against the wall, Aruto almost agrees then realises what he said, Izu and Horobi have gone into blue screen of death over the idiocy of that statement, and Jin actually believes him.

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Batfam As Brooklyn 99 Quotes
Bruce Wayne: This one says "Die Pig". And worst of all, they didn't put the comma between die and pig.
Dick Grayson: I am straight-up depressed. Barbara's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Jason Todd: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Dick Grayson: I know, it's so hot.
Jason Todd: So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?
Damien Wayne: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
Jason Todd: I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.
Tim Drake: Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?
Duke Thomas: Tinker Bell?
Tim Drake: Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.
Damien Wayne: I want to say a few words. When Jason died seven days ago, I didn't give rat's ass.
Dick Grayson: This is your speech?
Dick Grayson: Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Duke Thomas: (Scoffs) No.
Damien Wayne: Lie.
Duke Thomas: All right, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.
Dick Grayson: He makes me feel so small!
Alfred Pennyworth: Well, who cares what he thinks? You're a police sergeant! You're a grown man! Now take your nap. And if I see the lights on in here, I'm going to be very disappointed in you.
Joker: Batman. Good to see you. But if you're here, who's guarding Hades?
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