#bts polamory fic

[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave You (Pt.14)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: The first night they sleep in the house comes with sleepy steps and communal showers…And other firsts…

Pairing: Beta! Yoongi, Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin,

Tags: Fluff, hurt/comfort, Nesting, References to anorexia and anorexic eating habits, PTSD, discussion of physical scars, low-self esteem, omega space, lots of seokjin x reader content,

W/c: 9.1k

A/n: here you go! i think i might need to take a short break from this series soon, to work on one of my other series- and to take a break in general cuz i’ve been chugging along pretty regularly with it and i feel like somethings gonna give if i don’t take a step back for a few days!

Previous Part — Masterlist

Before they know it they're staring at their empty apartment, the floors dusty and nothing left to cart away but a few light boxes. They wince as they look at the holes in the wall and the scuffs here and there that all but condemn their security deposit to their landlord’s greedy pockets. They linger, touching the doorways and fussing over the spaces that they’ve loved and been loved in for the last time. A home that has been theirs for as long as the pack has been a pack.

It’s only Kookie and Hobi that get a little weepy, a little sentimental. Though Seokjin spies Jimin taking several deep breaths and looking up at the light in the hall that always seemed to break once a month, blinking back something. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah i’ve just got something in my eye,”

Jin snorts “What? an emotion?” 

But its all teasing as Jin quietly fold his tiniest alpha under his arms before he can get too sad. and if the front of jin’s shirt dampens, thats a secret he’ll keep for his pups. 

At home Yoongi says a quiet goodbye to the place he will never live in again (will never even see again as the contents of that home are scattered mess around this house.) But he waits, doing the dishes and preparing dinner with you. Waiting for the lights of their cars to emerge from the darkness, the tell tail crunch of tires on the stone driveway that will tell him that they’re home.

Jin wonders why he doesn't feel sadder to see the place go especially when he’d been so angry about it this morning. Standing in the doorway holding his keys, a held breath finally let out, it’s nearly midnight and they’re finished, finally and thankfully all packed up.

It doesn’t feel as bad as it could, Jin thumbs his keys idly, the jingle echoes in the empty halls. 

It’s a simple truth that apartments only belong to the people temporarily, little boxes of safety neatly packaged within a certain amount of square footage. If Jin or any of them had really wanted to stay for any greater length of time they would have tried to buy it years ago, would have been able to what with Namjoon's salary, Even if it meant taking on a quite frankly hideous mortgage.

But maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t; then they would have had more of a reason to stay.

Now he just wants to be done with it, just wants to get back to the house and sit for the first time all day, to fall sleep in their barely set up beds, in the room that doesn't smell like them yet. He's so tired; he might not even have enough energy to nest (but as with all omegas, the itch under his skin is ever present).

Somehow it doesn’t feel like they’re ending something when they close the door to the den for the last time; the place they’ve called home for the last 4 years, 5 if you count how long that Namjoon, Jin, and Yoongi had lived here. 

Jin exhales a sigh, letting out something that aches with it, lets his chest feel raw with it- all that loving and all that missing had never been for this place, but for yoongi- what they’d had before. 

There’s nothing standing in the way of that anymore. He leaves their keys on the countertops and goes home.

And at your house, there is this to come back too- you and Yoongi making dinner in the kitchen shoulders pressed so close you might as well be touching. Their yellow couch pressed up against the back of yours and Yoongi’s- tomorrow or the next day they’ll find a better place for it. There are a few nooks and crannies in your house. But For tonight- it’s the perfect place for Hobi and Jungkook to flop down onto. Tired and ready for sleep but kept awake by the pack to get some food into there rumbling bellies.

Yoongi rushes over with spoonful’s of kimchi fried rice while the meat cooks, asking them for their input (not that he needs it- he just can't fight the urge to dote on the pups especially when they’re so tired, and the bites of food keep them awake for more and Yoongi absolutely will not let them go to bed hungry after the day they’ve just had.)

You watch, anxious about burning the meat, whining over the tongs before Yoongi comes back to supervise. “Let them get a little crispy, you’re flipping them over too often” Jin tries to intervene, but you snap your tongs at him, staring and gesturing between him and the nearest seat, he puts his hands up, rightfully chastised and takes a seat at the breakfast bar. Where he can watch your cute little lips pout in concentration. 

Namjoon flops down at the stools on the side of the kitchen island, finally letting himself feel the aching in his bones and muscles, he’s going to melt- and be sore for several days but he doesn’t mind, would never think of complaining.

Jimin folds in on the other side of namjoon, in-between him and jin to keep the peace, and he feels like he wants to fold himself on top of his crossed arms and go to sleep right here. He actually does that, but a few seconds later he opens his eyes to Yoongi offering him a careful spoon of rice and he takes it, pliant.

Tae joins the rest on the couch, pretending to be deaf to their false squeals of protest. They don’t push him away, just pull him closer so that he doesn’t fall off the edge of the couch that’s only really meant for two.

There is also the soup in the fridge, and it’s only a day old- is fantastic to reheat or put over the rice and meat, you make a face when jungkook makes a show of dunking the meat in it- taking a larger bowl because he can’t have the rice.

It’s only after they’ve eaten that jin brings out the bag of 48-hour things, tooth brushes and skincare routines, a spare change of pajamas, and a change of work clothes for those who absolutely have to go to work tomorrow.

unpacking is something that might not be able to wait for long, Not that they haven’t already started making the house feel more full and less empty with their furniture. They’ve already added side tables to the couch, and Namjoon shoved a nice-looking dresser under the window by the door to hold everyone’s keys and things in a large wooden bowl, the same way it was in the apartment.

You eat an informal dinner, piled around living room in various seats; you’re headed towards a food coma. Yoongi watches you eat. And though you get a little shaky part of the way through your bowl, He counts it as a victory.

You wouldn’t risk straight up not eating in front of the others but there are some secrets that you’re determined to keep for as long as possible (a simple yet terrible voice inside of your head reminds you of the state of conditional love, might be better to just- make sure- make absolutely sure that’s not the only reason why they’re sticking around.

If you’re pretty and tiny to look at that might make them care. And you wouldn’t want to threaten that- ever. Especially when it’s not only your care, but Yoongi’s that you’d be putting in jeopardy now too. 

Though you’re well aware that that train of thought is wrong, it still doesn’t stop you from thinking it.

Tonight they’re so tired you think they might not notice, but better to be sure. Yoongi certainly does. Through dinner he stands closer to you, not touching you accept for a little reassuring brush here and there, the kind that you could think where unintentional if they came from anyone else.

The pack already has their suspicions though they’d always assumed that you’d been eating enough when they weren’t here, maybe just a little shy around mealtimes. That would be understandable.

You won’t be able to hide the truth for long. And you seem aware of that as Jin hovers, asking you if you want a second bowl, eyebrows rising when you shake your head. you’re the only one that refuses. 

He reaches out to do something- stroke down your back or otherwise but seems to think better of it. He turns away and lets the moment pass, regardless of the way that itch fits it’s self under his skin again.

Before everyone finishes their dinner, Yoongi hands out the new keys; of which there are nine. Not eight, not seven, but nine. One for each of you plus a spare to be hidden somewhere outside in case of an emergency, He hands them out to each of the pack mates, and dangles the last one in front of you.

You take it with an eye roll. Why would you ever need one? Besides your impromptu trip last night you've only left the house a handful of times, let alone go unaccompanied. Why would you ever even want to leave the house? Especially one as lovely and as love-filled as this one.

Their combined scents slowly fill your house makes you feel almost scent high. the rosy haze of omega space is already starting to color the peripherals of your vision. It makes you feel fuzzy, and strongly consider stealing a bag from the pile of nesting things that sit outside of their bedroom door and make a cozy little nest of all of those scents, maybe in a closet somewhere just so that you wouldn’t be discovered or interrupted. Something safe and warm to nurture your soul in.

But not yet- not yet. You look at their things and want, in more ways than one. You wonder how you’re going to hide your wanting now that they live with you. it’s going to be hard- you’re going to have to be careful

Apparently, keys are a soft spot- something about Jimin taking everyone’s and losing his on more than one occasion. Taehyung makes a playful comment, and though Jimin replies indignantly, you can see the love warming his cheeks as his body curls around Taehyung. 

There are these soft little key chains attached to each of them- one for each member of the pack. The keys jingle, knocking against each other with a clang as he hands them out.

Your mate rolls his eyes at the one at the very bottom of the bag. “I can’t believe you kept that old thing,” Yoongi had quite purposefully left his keys when he’d left almost a year prior. And it seems they kept them- as well as the tiny little cookie keychain that has been his identifier for the length of time they’d had the apartment.

Kookie just smiles, “it’s mischievous like you Hyung,” the little grinning figure certainly taunts him. Yoongi adds it to the bowl eventually. your key is the only one that dosen’t have a fluffy key companion yet. 

There is honestly barely as much room in the house as you need for the 8 of you. By the time the house is finished it will have seven bedrooms in total, but as of right now, there are only two finished.

Now that the rest of the pack has moved in its likely Yoongi will want to accelerate the plans of redoing some areas of the house. The bathroom off of your bedroom is decently new (the last thing the last owners ever fixed before the house fell into its disrepair). But the only other one on the ground floor definitely isn’t up to the pack's usual standards.

They’re all more than a little nervous about going back to sharing a space so small. it's just hard not to snap at each other in the morning when you take an elbow to the stomach on accident or literally step on another person’s toes. Jungkook has accidentally spat his toothpaste out onto someone's hand more than once, and that was when they had two sinks instead of just one.

The second bedroom isn’t quite large enough for all of their things or all of their beds but they make it work. Two kings get squished together, connected with a special set of screws from Ikea- meant for combining beds on extra large packs. It’s almost enough to make the space feel like home.

The ceilings are tall- not quite as cozy as they could be; there is too much space between the bed and the ceiling. Everyone gets ready for bed, trading pants for pajamas and settling for boxers when their pile of preferred pajama pants can’t be located in the mess that is the room at the end of the hall or Jin’s bag of 48 hour things. kookie makes a pouty puppy dog eye look at namjoon and the elder surrenders his pair of cotton pyjama pants, his favorite 

The closet on the other hand is the definition of disappointing, in their apartment they’d turned the entire second bedroom into a closet, and they’ll need to find a similar space here. Jin is already eyeing the laundry room. It wouldn't really be that hard to knock down the wall into the bedroom room and add a door? Would it? He’ll need to ask Yoongi one of these days.

Instead of actually trying to put any clothes in the room's actual closet they’ll take off the doors and shove their old vanity into the space, dumping their combined cosmetic products and morning routines there as well as the sex toy boxes.

 At the very least- it will offer some privacy and quiet to those still sleeping in the morning, Since their skincare stuff definitely won’t fit in the tiny bathroom across the hall. Your bedroom is the only one with an en suite, and the only other full bath on the ground floor.

Seokjin's seen partial plans for the upstairs (glimpsed them before Yoongi had the chance to hide them away. Chiding gently "it's supposed to be a surprise hyung") but he's heard enough of the workmen who come in chat about the pluming, even saw the massive pieces of glass that they oh so carefully maneuvered up the narrow staircase; that had to be for a walk in shower.

There’s a trap door at the very top of the stairs, and its either a closed, or open for the workmen. Seokjin hasn't seen the top floor yet- none of them have. That night, after they've all stuffed themselves full he lingers at the bottom of the stairs and wonders if he should go up and see. Jin is curious, even if he is tired.

They’re taking turns using the shower across the hall, and Hobi snags him on his way through, convincing him to join him and wash off the sweat of the day together with a sweet kiss. and seokjin lets the top floor of the house disapear into the rescese of his mind for the sake of some quiet time with hobi. 

The shower is a very non-sexy affair, Washing each other deftly, any moves of loving redundant. Kisses peppered over shoulders. Seokjin only has enough energy to smile. Hiding it away in between the steam and the sweet smelling body wash. He hopes it smells like that enough that Hobi can’t smell his lingering distress.

But it all seems for naught, because after a few moments of holding each other  underneath the warm spray  Hobi pulls back, reaching for the loofa."You still smell so upset hyung." Hoseok says, scrubbing under his armpits, looking a little like he's got fluffy balls of suds stuffed under his arms with how well the soap lathers. 

Your water must be harder than the water at the apartment. Because Seokjin's skin already feels a little tight and dry, like the rest of him. 

Seokjin hums, dragging conditioner through to his ends. Letting it sit before he steps underneath the nearly too short faucet to dry his hair- yup, he's definitely going to have to go get a replacement one- at least to make the spray a little wider. What use is a bathroom if two people can't shower at the same time? "I'm just a little tired," it’s not entirely a lie.

Hoseok answers with a small noise, switching places with him to wipe off the suds, he uses it as an opportunity to sling his arms over the omegas' shoulders. Pulling him closer, the muscles in his arms flexing alluringly.

And Seokjin is just- too tired to instigate anything more; even when Hobi kisses him, slow and sensual pushes of the lips, kisses Seokjin the way that he loves. He’s just too tired, his nerves and his nose like a frayed end. 

He doesn't have enough energy to have emotions about this, the pack moving, the stress of it all has piled and piled up and seokjin hasn’t been able to find a release.  at least not yet. Hobi understands. Dries Jin's hair and doesn't ask why Seokjin’s lingering when he doesn't immediately go back to the bedroom.

Maybe he understands that tonight, the pack isn’t what Seokjin needs. 

Namjoon and Jimin shower together after. And in the bedroom- he watches fondly from the door as a freshly pressed and ready for bed Jungkook takes three bags of nesting things and dumps them over the bed, a happy blissed out look already on his face as he dives into nest making with a flurry. 

Taehyung watches along from the head of the bed curled up- keeping himself small and compact so that Jungkook can work around him. Smiling into his book (nighttime reading is one of Tae’s habits) as the other omega sets out to make the messiest nest in existence.

Seokjin is exhausted just looking at him, his nerves elevated when Jungkook doesn’t do their usual routine of setting out the big yellow blanket on the bottom to act as a barrier between them in the bed and the world outside. You walk by Seokjin, watching him watch Jungkook, standing in the doorway smelling so sad. 

You almost just almost- go to stand by him and watch, have a little momentary daydream about linking your arms around his slender waist and burrowing into his back. Asking maybe, for Jungkook to let the three of you make the nest together. But then you think better of it, disappear back into your bedroom with glasses of water for you and yoongi, pushing the idea of that out of your head. 

Once Jimin and Namjoon finish their shower, They end up elbowing each other vying for the only sink, Hobi brushes his teeth in the kitchen and Seokjin commandeers your bathroom for a similar purpose, unwilling to go without doing his skincare routine even after a day like this.

Seokjin doesn’t know what he was expecting from your room or your nest but it’s awfully pretty.

This- this is the den-like atmosphere he wants and didn’t find in the other bedroom. The dark flower-patterned wallpaper and the teal accent walls make the room feel cozy and small. Safe even. The sole lamp drenches the room in cozy golden shadows. 

Your blackout curtains might be drawn but the windows are open and the sweet air of summer fills the room. Clean evening wars equal with the smell of chocolate cake- the smell of you and Yoongi that permeates the room.

How many nights have you curled up together here to have it smelling so happy? Neither you nor Yoongi has a particularly strong scent but it’s everywhere. It’s so unlike Jin’s alphas, or even Jungkook who you can almost taste, a honey film coating your tongue when you breathe deep near him.

Jin doesn’t realize he’s just standing there, breathing, enjoying the way that your smell eases the ache in his nose until you’re blinking up at him from the confines of your nest, head popped up from underneath the pastel blue blanket. You where so cuddled under the thick layer of pillows and blankets seokjin didn’t even know you where there. 

One of them falls on the floor at your sudden movement and you whine. Staring at it forlornly. Before Seokjin can answer and dart forward to give you anything your heart desires like his instincts demand- Yoongi stoops to pick it up. You make grabby hands at it and  hug it back to your chest when yoongi hands it over; your unhappy chirp becomes a velvet-like purr.

Yoongi’s eyebrows’ are raised expectantly, and Jin realizes he’s been staring. Just watching the two of you get ready for bed, domestic and intimate. Something that maybe he’s not allowed to see.

But maybe he is, after all, he lives here now.

“I just- I was going to-“ Jin’s breath catches in his throat. “Can I use your bathroom?”

Your nest is not a mess of pastel pillows and blankets but the perfect balance of disarray and colorful order. Somehow it seems to settle the instincts in him that ran haywire in the other room, the tangle of new things. He can still smell it while he brushes his teeth. watches you kneed the parimiter and get everything in it’s right place while he brushes his teeth. 

Jin’s nostrils flare and there’s something wrong- but also right. He doesn’t smell this nest on his own skin and that’s distressing for some reason, This- here is what the other room is missing, the blanket at the head of the bed needs to be curled up more, needs more fluffing, and he can see that but you can’t cuz you’re looking at him.

He feels himself slipping into omega space, just a little. The haze gripping him as he realizes that your nest doesn’t smell like him and just- he lets out a frustrated huff, muffled around the toothpaste in his mouth.

Seokjin isn’t surprised to find the pillow and blanket that he and Jungkook gave you at the center of your nest. Not all omegas like to pile their nests with items that smell like their pack mates outside of a heat (where desire for things that smell safe boils down to a vicious need) but you seem to have an affinity for pillows of all shapes and sizes, knit blankets with texture.

Each omega has their preferences; Seokjin has a fondness for sweaters just like Jungkook has an absolute hatred for anything with zippers or buttons. You seem to prefer simple and natural fabrics with an emphasis on color. They crisscross the nest but around the rim- it’s piled up to a little wall.

To omegas, nesting is nothing more than creating a safe space for themselves and their pups- their pack too if they don’t have any of the former. A place where scents are controlled to give the nose and the autonomic nervous system a place to rest. 

As Omegan bodies are constantly cycling through olfactory information it can get a little stressful and tiring if you’re not able to shut those parts of the brain off from time to time. A reset; that’s what nesting is. And tonight- the other room might be a little too crowded for Seokjin both in terms of people and scents.

And Namjoon. They haven’t exchanged many words since this morning. He casts a glance across the hall, through the open door where he can already see the pups sprawling, the space quickly diminishing.

Seokjin had let him kiss his cheek a few minutes ago, wordless love. He just needs a little more time to cool off before things can go back to normal, though Seokjin has already forgiven him, a little bit of distance in the meantime might be good for them.

Seokjin spits in your sink, hands on the edge of the porcelain, doesn’t look at himself in the mirror.

when he looks over at you again, you’re hovering on the edge of your nest. Knees tucked under your body, free from the confines of your nest, you’re already in a pair of light purple pajamas, the opposite of yoongi’s dark blue,  hugging a pillow that looks like it just might have come from the apartment (Seokjin’s 90% certain that he recognizes it from Taehyung’s reading set up) 

he can tell you’re watching him, but he can only tell when he looks away and sees you move in his peripherals. Every time he turns in your direction he catches you straightening up, turning your attention back to Yoongi, nodding here and there as he talks through everything he wants to do tomorrow. 

It seems like this is your routine, Yoongi talking in his night roughened words, you nod here and there, while he puts everything back in it’s spot, the dirty laundry gets put in the large wicker basket, the dirty towels from a shower you both took hung up to be dried and used again. Betas don’t nest, but Yoongi might as well be nesting. 

Your hair dries shiny and tangled, if not a little healthy looking. Seokjin’s hands itches; there is a brush in the bathroom. He wonders if Yoongi ever brushes your hair for you- that seems like the kind of thing you’d like done to you. He can already see your pupils dilated, omega space incoming if you’re not already completely settled into it.

In the other room. Seokjin can hear Jimin and Jungkook bickering over something and it chaffs against his ears. just a little. if he was next to them he’d kiss them quiet.

Yoongi tolerates your glancing back and forth between seokjin and the open door for a few more seconds before he leans in low, balancing with one hand over the nest to kiss your forehead. Seokjin watches fidling with his cosmetics bag, He hears Yoongi’s hushed words, “go on. Ask him sweetheart.”

“Ask me what?” You let out a whine and bury your face in your pillow, effectively hiding from Jin and Yoongi's words, squirming a little under their gazes. 

The beta sighs but it’s all-fond, Seokjin knows what it feels like to drop into that warm puddle before bed when your instincts are at your strongest, to let your brain melt away to something tender and cloud soft. He can’t imagine that it makes you particularly verbal given your usual proclivities. 

Yoongi juts his chin in the direction of the nest once, cocking his head at Jin with a playful smile. Yoongi only gets this way when he’s tired, playful and a little flirty. you don’t seem to mind, in fact, it seems like yoongi is breaking you down to the place you need to be at before you sleep. 

It hits him then, what you’re asking- “Oh- oh.”

Something stirs in Seokjin's stomach, something that feels too possessive to be safe- especially to have those feelings for you. Warm and gooey but undeniably hungry. “You want me to sit in your pretty nest don’t you sweetheart?”

Your answering shiver and bright eyes as you nod are enough consent for him, you parrot back his words, “pretty?” and seokjin- seokjin is about to pounce on you for that, how tentative you are. 

“Yes, you did such a good job with it, looks so nice.” Seokjin called your nest pretty- the omega that you've progressively started to look up to more and more over the last few weeks- called it pretty. Your chest heaves with a shakey breath. 

“In?” you ask, so quietly, scooting over to make space for him. 

Yoongi watches the way Seokjin’s tenseness instantly eases when he gets inside the carefully constructed border, careful not to disrupt it. The purr shocks him so much that he clamps a hand over his mouth in surprise. A completely involuntary reaction. 

Seokjin is not the kind of person who purrs in another omegas nest (not that he finds himself in a nest that’s not his and Jungkook’s often). But because purrs are as much a vocalization of comfort as they are a claim. This is my safe space, a purr says. Mine.

he’s just about to apologize for being rude, but before he can you grab the hand over his mouth, not hard, just bringing yours up to thumb at the scent gland at his wrist. Sending a zing up his arm to his chest, making his scent fluff out happy cream with no hint of the wet puppy, the first time it’s been undisturbed all day.

It surprises Jin so much even more when you lift it away to drag it across the border, and- oh- now the nest smells like both of you. 

Seokjin’s never done this with another omega but Jungkook. Seokjin can’t stop himself- the rest of the nest might be completely perfect not a blanket to fluff or a pillow to adjust, but the distance between the two of you isn’t. You flop over, his hands curling on your back to hold you. The urge to move your body against his almost frantic. get you closer. jin dosen’t realize what he’s doing when he moves your legs, slings them over his own, until he’s looking down at you, hair sprawled across the pillows, fingers curling. 

“Sorry- sorry I don’t know what came over me it’s just-”

Yoongi touches his shoulders- for a moment Jin almost forgot he was there. and its then that Jin realizes you’re nuzzling into him too- nose pressed against his scent gland, taking deep lungful’s of air, gasping. “Jinnie- do not apologize.” 

Yoongi is so rarely forceful with their oldest, and now, it keeps Jinnie purring, the noise building, unrepentant in his throat. Your’s joins in after a moment, an octave higher.

At that moment, Tae calls from the other room. Hushed like the others are at least partially asleep. “Jin? You coming?” Seokjin looks from you to Yoongi, every pup has already been forehead kissed for the evening, and your nest- it calls to him. 

Leaving it now would set itch under his skin and Jin- as much as his pack are in the other room- Jin doesn't want to leave. 

Your hands tighten around him, like you’re worried of him leaving, your purr cuts off into a whine and you pull yourself impossibly closer to him. looking up at him with wide pleading eyes. Your lips in a cute pout.

Seokjin swallows a bated breath. “Actually I’m cozy in here.” 

The pack calls out there I love you’s and goodnights, to Yoongi, Jin, and you, though you’re exempt from the I love you’s- mostly- the way Jimin hovers at the end of his sentence gives you pause. But you all let the moment pass, let yoongi get up and shut off the light, seeing as you and Jin couldn't remove yourselves from the nest or each other if you tried. 

He’s surprised, or maybe he should be less shocked, when his eyes start stinging. It’s not an unhappy cry that he blinks away, but at thankful one. you and jin remain blissfully unaware. but yoongi, yoongi looks down at the two of you and just- a part of him thats been hurting- for a while- heals, just a little bit. 

Here, they love you too. I told you they would. Even if they can’t say it yet. This is all yoongi’s ever wanted for you, a life so thick with love that there was room for little else. He couldn’t give you that, not on his own. 

Yoongi smiles down at the two of you as you pull Seokjin impossibly closer, underneath the two or three duvets that you use as covers. seokjin helps pull them over the two of you.

Yoongi puts the air con on and it instantly makes the room colder- perfect for cuddling. Your body and your feet are warm as you press them to Jin’s ankles. Struggling under his arms. The nesting instinct doesn't only apply to things, your own body isn't exempt from it and you struggle to find the perfect position to alleviate the itch.

And then yoongi gets in the bed, and you and seokjin both man handle him into the right position. He laughs, deep and gravely, thick with a little emotion, but you don’t mind- he smells so happy. You all do. Seokjin thinks he’s found the right position until you whine, strong arming your way in-between the two of them. He settles.

Seokjin has always smelled so good- so safe and warm. He’s hotter under your fingers. His body is firm and soft in all the right places. 

Oh- there’s so much hair- he forgot how girls were. He noses through it- smelling your shampoo. Seokjin hadn’t dated many people before Yoongi- but there had been a female alpha pair that tried to court him early in college. He forgot how it kind of gets everywhere, in his mouth even.

“Thank you,” he murmurs when the sounds in the house have gone quiet. It will take a while to get used to all the creeks and squeaks, but Seokjin already lets it fade to the back round in favor of listening to your deep breathes, Yoongi’s too. 

It’s been months since he and Yoongi slept in the same bed too, since Jin saw his cheek pillow and his hands tuck themselves under his sheets. Jin is used to the way that Yoongi sleeps by now, is used to setting his body up to fit around the beta. 

He’s too much of a coward to ask you to switch places so he can cuddle the both of you equally. All of you vie for the middle spot, but you win out (it’s no mystery why, when Seokjin and Yoongi share a soft look over your head).

You leave the doors open between your room and theirs so you can still smell each other, Jin’s nostrils flare, soothed to the point where he can smell each of his pack mates, but not so sensitive that all he can smell is sadness. Though all the lights are off, if Jin squints he can see your face. Jin’s heart rate slows as you nuzzle closer. Scenting him quietly, movements slowing, as you get more and more sleepy.

“It’s okay.” In the safeness of the darkness, you don’t mind getting closer or talking, just a tiny bit. Especially because you know he can’t see your face. The closeness you have now settles something within you, fulfilling the near frantic urge you have to get closer to the pack omega. You don’t know what's come over you only that you just- want him closer. Can’t seem to get your bodies aligned right. 

Yoongi huffs a laugh behind you and oh fuck- if you only had two pairs of arms you’d be able to hold them both properly. You’ve never cuddled with two people at the same time before and being in the middle between the two of them makes you feel so safe and boxed in.

Yoongi’s fingers find the nape of your neck and you go absolutely boneless. “It’s been a long day.” Yoongi comments from behind you. On your other side doing something with his hands that turns you into a boneless lump against Seokjin’s chest.

Seokjin strokes down your back, lingering around your waist. His hands feel so big on you; he kind of loves the feeling. “You’re so- cute. My cutest pup in the cutest nest imaginable.“

You shift against him, giggling softly, seokjin can feel the way your diaphragm twitches, “really?” Seokjin nuzzles against your hairline. 

“Don’t tell the others.” But yes, every part of you is cute, you tentatively wrap your arms around him, hands hovering on his shoulders, so broad, your hands barely cover any sizable bit of his skin. If you where a cat, you’d have tiny tiny paws.

“If I’m babying you too much- if I’m touching you too much, please let me know.” Seokjin would never want you to feel like you where belittled, doted on and treasured, yes- but not dismissed.

You hum thoughtfully,  Seokjin’s fingers stroke over your lower back, soothing. It feels strange to have his fingers thumbing across you. You realize why it feels weird after a second, the way Seokjin touches you is the same way that Yoongi likes to be touched. You wonder if either of them realizes it. That love has shaped the way they touch. You don’t think they know.

 “Don’t mind it- like it- it makes me feel taken care of-“ you tuck yourself down, more eye level with Seokjin’s chest, head-butting his sternum. Your next words are muffled. “like feeling small.”

Seokjin continues to touch, and you keep purring. Seokjin makes pointed eye contact with Yoongi, and the beta leans forward, balancing on one arm, to dot a kiss on his cheek. You hear the smack of lips against skin. 

But then Seokjin’s hands pause, just above your waistband. Your shirt is still tucked down, so he hasn’t touched your bare skin, not yet. But he feels something- under your shirt. Something ridged that are not seams or the knobs of your spine.

You stiffen when he stills- you know what he's felt, know because Yoongi’s told you he can feel them under your clothes before- the scars. 

You pull back a little, to look at Seokjin's face, he's tired, but suddenly more awake because- he’s found something that shouldn’t be there- a loop hole or a glitch, a wrinkle in time and something on your skin that doesn’t belong.

"Are those..." he doesn't dare finish his sentence. Curse his own observance, because the soft light in your eyes suddenly disappears, leaving only darkness. And you pull yourself back- though not for long.

You still feel safe, safe enough between the two of them even with Seokjin’s face breaking into an expression of horror that you know so well- you’ve seen it on Yoongi’s face countless times. You could lie to Jin or you could say it’s nothing but somehow; you think practicing honesty might be what you both need right now.

"They’re scars." 

Yoongi makes a displeased noise as you pull away. Backing up into him. Your bed is only a king, it's still a little cramped with three people. Yoongi does not get pushed back off the bed like he fears.

You swallow, words quiet but still- it’s just Jin. He’s in your nest it’s safe, safe like buttercream frosting and patterned Band-Aids. Like the soft moment between when you wake and wake slowly. There is enough room for the truth here.

"I'll show you if you want."

Seokjin Swallows thickly and nods. Yoongi turns back on the light and you pull yourself onto your knees, turning, and untucking your shirt from its waistband. Wrenching it up so that Jin can see. Holding it underneath your chest

The first thing he notices is how your ribs catch the light, shadowing enough that he can see them without having to feel them, and then Yoongi moves out of the way and the light falls across your lower back.

He can’t tell how deep they might have gone, at least not at first, not until he touches them so softly with his fingertips, not as rough as Yoongi’s but still there. Touches them like he’s worried the memories of pain- of getting those scars will come back if he touches you too hard. 

Seokjin is ashamed to admit it, but his first reaction to seeing them- the word written across your back in scars, is revulsion- but not thankfully directed at you.

Until then, part of Seokjin believed that your abuse was just run of the mill emotional abuse. But not- not this, not this kind of thing, that leaves deep physical marks and even deeper emotional scars.

Seokjin meditates his smell back into the milk scent, because he will not make your nest smell like his displeasure on a night like this.

Your burn from nearly three weeks ago is completely scabbed over, healing and pink on your forearms. Soon it will join the patchwork of scars that litter your body. The ones on your lower back are the exact opposite of healed, pink, deep.

“Holy shit-“ Seokjin traces the word, lightly with the tip of his finger. The scar is so- noticeable, ropy and thick. He almost would think it's a brand if it wasn't for their tapered ends. Even in the half-light, he can perfectly make it out. ‘Worthless’ scrawled across your back. The s’s are the messiest, Seokjin’s fingers hover over them, and now they seem torn into your skin rather than cut.

Now that he’s seen this, He’s worried about what might be on the rest of your body. You notice what he fixates on. The last bit of your scar- maybe one of the worst wounds on your body. His fingers still. 

“The end was the worst, by then, he was so angry and drunk that he had to try a few times to get it right. the knife was dull too- and that didn’t help.”

Seokjin can’t fucking breathe. Especially not when you retuck your shirt back into your pants. Turn back over, not to Jin, but to bury yourself in Yoongi’s chest. Yoongi and Jin share a devastated look. You say it so blankly- like it hardly matters to you anymore.

Seokjin’s hands continue Their petting up and down your back. especially once Yoongi maneuvers you back into your last position sprawled out on the covers. You relax but not into the happy bonelessness you had before but into a touch starved listlessness that seokjin’s seen in hobi more times than he can count. 

He keeps touching you trying to push it back, But there’s something wrong. You shiver, a little violently, and Jin pauses. Yoongi’s hands stop their gripping, and he grabs Jin’s in his, gently.

“You’re doing it too lightly, that’s the issue, a little firmer and a little slower- there you go” Yoongi guides Jin's hands, shows him the kind of pressure that you like. Not a scratch but certainly a firmer touch. Yoongi knows makes you feel better. Yoongi has learned that too light of touches only make you feel more nervous and jumpy, unsure where his hands are going.

He’s slowly beginning to be able to read your body language, you fiddling with the front of his shirt means that you’re okay with the distance between the two of you, and the listless restless way you hold your body means he’s too far away.

“It’s a good thing you’ve got Yoongi to translate,” Jin swallows. “ I swear it’s like you’re in each other's heads sometimes.” 

Seokjin might just be sleepy; he might just be overestimating things. But he swears for a second before Yoongi replies with a deep chuckle that both of you freeze.

Yoongi is the first one to regain his easy air. “You just have to pay attention hyung, I’ll show you.” Because one-way of loving doesn’t fit one person perfectly. You’re all a little different.

I’ll show you, and show them Yoongi will- he’ll show them how to love you, every right touch, and every perfect way of kissing. Even if you don’t know it yet- you might need Yoongi to show them- you’re so- so delicate. So easy to break or make afraid. And though they'd never willingly or purposefully make you uncomfortable, they just might accidentally.

You need the slow steady pull of Jin’s hands over your back- doing what can only be called petting. He trips your hair, carefully lying it up above your head so that he can work his fingers along your neck is smooth easy patterns. 

 Seokjin presses his face to the back of your hair, flyways be dammed, you shiver at the kiss, but this one isn’t a bad shiver, but a good one. He hides his tears in your hair. God this- how did Yoongi handle all of this alone. 

For the first time- Seokjin truly understands why Yoongi couldn’t walk away, couldn’t come back to them after having seen you like this. seokjin can’t imagine having to have watched you suffer through this just like he can’t imagine you having to handle this on your own without a packmate in sight. From what he knows, you’d have had to had those scars before yoongi came to you. 

“You don’t believe that? Do you?” 

You shrug and don't answer right away. Seokjin doesn't like that, doesn’t like that at all, his distress mounting by the second when he realizes… your answer must not be one you think he wants to hear- and no- that just won’t do. "Hey, would you look at me for a second?" you pause, and turn around,

"I know it probably doesn’t make much of a difference but you're not worthless to us- you’re not worthless to me. I- I’m so sorry that that happened to you, you didn’t deserve it, you're not anything and everything that he ever told you where."

You fiddle with the front of his shirt, not responding. Seokjin could argue, could repeat the words again, but he's beginning to realize they might not be helpful. he’s looking for a response that you can’t give- yet. The only way to rewire the way your brain thinks is with slow and careful loving, days and days of it, months. 

And though Jin knows Yoongi’s already been putting in the work, You have more people who love you now. And one of them is right in front of you. “I know-“ you finally get out, “it’s just hard.” 

“It’s okay pup, I understand. I’ll always listen if that makes you feel better.”

You squirm, frustrated but with yourself not them. Your words fail you, but Seokjin and Yoongi don’t. Seokjin pulls himself closer. Running his hands down your back, tracing slowly but firmly over every curve and crevice of your spine.

He does not touch your scar, worried about how sensitive you might be. But Yoongi does, gripping your hips and pulling you back against him, shoving one of his thighs between your legs, not in a sexual way. Yoongi knows you like to be manhandled. Pulled snug and doll like against his chest, a willing puppet to be loved and touched, truly at ease. 

Seokjin practically feels you sink into the mattress. You whine, turning and pressing yourself back into his arms. yoongi’s arms encircle your stomach as jin presses his smile into your shoulder. Some bright things do not deserve to be touched by shadows- and Seokjin’s smile feels like it could practically conjure daylight. 

He presses his smile into your shoulder, and then into your cheek, and when he opens his eyes he’s staring down at your lips, parted and eyes upturned. 

 In the darkness Seokjin swears he sees your eyes flicker down to his lips. He’s never felt surer of something in his life when he realizes oh- she could want to kiss you. Do you want to Jinnie? Do you want to get your lips all aligned? would your skin taste sweet? Would it feel as plush as your body does pressed so close to his?

He gently, and delicately slides his hands under your shirt, on your hips just hovering, pulling you a little closer. Close enough that your lips are just barely almost touching. “Is this okay?” he asks, thumbs working on your hip bones.  and you nod imperceptibly eyelids and long lashes fluttering. And Jin is close enough that he can feel when you swallow. Feel the supple swell of your chest when you breath and it presses against his.

“Tell me no, if you don’t want me too please tell me no.” 

You look up at him, eyes that flicker down to his lips and then back up to his eyes. You can’t think that he’ll be anything other than gentle. You nod, slowly.

“Then how about this?” you’re not sure who moves first- if its jin or you. but Seokjin’s lips are so soft- so soft as they press so gently against yours. You nearly gasp but Jin lets you breathe, your body is humming, vibrating with energy, Jin’s nostrils flare as your scent fills the room, sweet sweet and getting sweeter.

You break apart, lips parted and pink. Jin could make them chapped if you let him. 

Your body is so warm under his hands, hot even. Like he’s thrown you into a pseudo heat. Your eyelashes flutter again and Jin glimpses Yoongi’s fingers, threaded through your hair and scratching over your scalp. You nod, and you press your forehead against his throat.

You let out a whine and Yoongi and Jin explain a wordless look. Yoongi grins, and Jin takes it as permission to egg you on. “Use your words pup,” in the darkness, Seokjin sees your mouth move around the word, pup.

“Just- gives me a second. Need- needa-calm down.” Looking over your head, Jin makes eye contact with Yoongi. He’d never tell you. But at the moment, Yoongi looks proud enough to cry.

You stay close like that, however unintentionally falling asleep after your first goodnight kiss of many- so so many. There will be many nights that you end them this way, cuddled close. Finding a safe refuge in the presence of each other; a worthy home for your souls

When you wake in the morning you have to squirm your way out from Jin’s arms. You just need to pee, and then you’ll be back in bed, you promise.

But then your foot hits something soft and squishy and you fall to the ground with a shriek.

 Yoongi rolls out of bed, ready to go at the first sound of your squeal, almost stepping on Namjoon’s face. The air goes out of Namjoon stomach and he wakes coughing. Spluttering and thumping against the floor. The noise wakes everyone and before you know it Jimin is running through your door, trailing a blanket, nearly hitting the doorframe. “What wrong what’s-“

Jimin takes one look at you and Namjoon on the floor, Yoongi standing; looking down at Namjoon’s head between his heals. Jin sitting and up in bed, hair sticking up everywhere, Namjoon even has drool on his cheek from where his face was pressed against the hardwood floor.

“What the fuck are you doing on my bedroom floor!” shock is apparently enough to get you to speak in the morning, and even curse. And that’s more than Yoongi can hope for on the average morning even if this one did literally start on the wrong foot (literally).

Namjoon is red, bright red at being caught, he scratches the back of his neck, looking embarrassed “I just- it smelled so nice and I missed-“ you hold up a finger, and Jin has in in himself to be impressed at how effortlessly you command the pack alpha- a good thing too. If you’re going to be in their pack you’d have to learn sooner rather than later.

And Namjoon is equal parts chagrinned and ready to be reprimanded. nearly tucks his tail between his legs when you hiss your reply; “If you’re going to camp out at the foot of the bed like a dog you might as well get in the fucking nest.” You spit, frustrated and grumpy at being woken up like this, rubbing your bottom.

One moment you're rubbing your bottom and the next you stare wide-eyed. Realizing what you’ve said and who you’ve said it too. 

Namjoon blinks, Yoongi blinks, and after a second Seokjin booms out a laugh, the others join in. “Well- you heard her- get in Joonie-”

And that’s how the rest of your love story starts.

~-~

but what you don’t know is that there is something that threatens your peace.  however slight, In that little coffee shop that once housed Yoongi and Jin so many years ago when they where on the precipice of everything- who now sit safely in the confines of the nest that you’ve so carefully constructed. 

Safe- but maybe not for long.

The inside of the coffee shop across town is as dusty as it is grimy, a layer of dirt and grease from years of pastries and grubby hands. More than a few coffee rings too. It’s just after the morning business rush and just before the college kids and high schoolers pull themselves out of bed. 

The middle of a shift change. The same youth from the other night, blond hair, chubby cheeks- too young to work in a place like this, too young to be apart of a gang either- but he was born into the family, similarly to Yoongi. sometimes, life just happens and you’re moving drugs for the largest organized crime family in the northeast- before you’ve even applied for college.

The youth isn’t a big player, a third cousin and so far removed from the family that he only loosely can call himself a member. They switch out for shifts- finally trading places with the man he works for, a brother or a cousin of someone in the mob, not a main player not by far. They both occupy similar spots in the hierarchy.  

it feels foolish but the youth had been so proud of himself for doing something grown up, helping the gang operate. it’s foolish and youthful, Because mafia families aren’t the way they are in fiction. the reality is far more dangerous. 

Something has been weighing on him, as he shifts, gathering his books and things before he leaves. He’s spent every hour between when he saw you and Hoseok thinking, wondering if he should- if it's any of his business- if he’s right to make this call.

He stops his boss on his way out. Grabbing his shoulder in a too familiar way that is rightfully shoved off. “What is it boy? did someone throw up in the bathroom again?” unfortunately thats more than a usual predicament, Being so close to the bars they get more than a few drunks through the night.

His boss is the kind of person who you don’t bother unless absolutely necessary, the one you’re supposed to call only when all hell is breaking loose. These kinds of people aren’t the ones you interrupt on a business day unless you have something to show for it.

“You know the pack you told me to keep an eye on?” thats a pitiful comparison to the truth. The small booklets of faces and names complete with a few bullets of information that he was privy too, the people the gang keeps tabs on, the important and dangerous ones. 

“Two of them came in night before last, and I think-” His boss looks suddenly more interested in the boy, looking annoyed and worried as he fumbles over his words. 

“Spit it out”

“I think they said something I wasn’t supposed to hear.”

~-~

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[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave You (Pt.12)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: You might not have made the best first impression on alpha Jung Hoseok, but your love story starts with a jean jacket, a train ticket, and a shitty cup of coffee.

Pairing: Beta! Yoongi, Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin,

Tags: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, discussions of trauma, discussions of anorexia, problematic mindsets, manipulative behavior, mentions of guns and gun violence, anxiety, non-verbal characters becoming verbal, brief blood, mentioned sexual assault, coercive rape, and emotional abuse. 

W/c: 10.2k

A/n: sorry i’ve been a little absent recently! i didn’t have as much time to edit this chapter as i would have liked because of events in my personal life. so if it seems a little less polished than usual thats why!

Previous part — Masterlist

You should have expected it would be one of them. Should have, because if you think about it too hard you can feel the panic already tugging down your mating mark. The sudden and urgent anxiety that tells you Yoongi is awake, and that he knows that you’re gone.

But really, Hoseok snuck up on you. You’re twitchy on a good day and neither of you can be held responsible for what happens.

You whip around when his hand touches your shoulder, The racing panic makes your hands shake when you pull the gun out of your pocket in one fluid movement and back up, foot treacherously balancing on the edge of the platform. If you were any less aware of your center of gravity you'd fall down the 6 feet and to the tracks below.

“Holy shit!” Hoseok has quick reflexes, ducks out of the way of the gun the second he registers it's being thrust in his face. It takes you a second to realize what (or more importantly who) you’re looking at.

At least the gun doesn't actually go off. You just stand there pointing it at him for a second. Hand sweaty on the metal. Heart thundering in your ears louder than an oncoming train. faintly rumbling down the tracks. 

It takes another second for you to summon your words, too sluggish. A moment where Hoseok looks up at you with wide and terrified eyes, like you're the monster here. “What the actual fuck are you thinking!?”  

“Hoseok?” you say in disbelief. A look of surprise etched on your face underneath the hood of what can only be Yoongi's sweatshirt.

Hoseok’s heart is pounding in his ears, in time with yours. “Yes! Now would you put that away!? How the fuck do you even have a gun?!”

“Its Jimin’s” you lie easily as you tuck it back into the waistband of your pants. “He gave it to me to feel safer.” Hoseok remains sprawled on the concrete, looking up at you with wide fear-ridden eyes, you offer him a hand to pull him back up but he eyes it warily. Pulling himself back up onto his feet, Pajama pants pooling on the concrete, Converse scuffing.  

“What are you doing here?” he says slowly, whispering into the night air softly, not stepping closer.

Right now there is only Hoseok and those streetlights, the only stars that city kids know. His face looks stretched by the shadows, thin in a way that you understand better than anyone else. Maybe it's that feeling that makes you able to speak now.

You’re on your own, you don’t have Yoongi to be your voice and your hands to and you won’t ever have him again to rely on. Even Hoseok can see the way you hold yourself like you're inherently fragile, shoulders hunched. 

Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe tomorrow you won’t have to speak but Hoseok- Hoseok could call them. Could keep you here, and you don’t know if you hate the idea of that or if you’d run headfirst into their arms in relief at this point.

Somehow you still hear Geumjae's voice in your head: You're such a baby, needing them so bad, such a bother. Small things that eventually escalated into harsher sentiments; you're useless, you're worthless.

Your brain mimics the hurt you felt before- rushing to wound where you're already bleeding; they're glad that you're going, you should already be gone. You should already be dead, who were you to survive, did you even really make it? Your brain is a mess of the endless aching fear that maybe you’ll never be able to run from.

Hoseok's concerned face cuts through your spiral, makes you feel more human and less like a ghost.

“Come on Hoseok, you’re not dumb. You know this had to end one of two ways.” you gasp, because that's the truth that no one was willing to say; that either he accepted you and you stayed, or you’d continue to cause a rift between all of them until it tore them apart, and they became two packs instead of one.

You don’t know if he thinks of love the same way that you do, but you love Yoongi enough that you won’t let that happen. You won’t let him lose the pack because of you.

As much as you hate to admit it, Hoseok doesn't look like your enemy standing near you on the platform, eyes wide and lips parted as he stares at you in disbelief. Though for all intents and purposes, he might as well be, certainly not an enemy, but friendly fire. "What!?"

“Don’t blame me for creating a better option for Yoongi. Of course I have to leave, what the fuck did you think was going to happen?” He looks like you’ve just slapped him, and he watches, horror swallowing him as the train starts to pull into the tracks, and you have to step closer to him by default.

The closeness only lasts a second. You keep a healthy distance between the two of you. And Hoseok watches your shoulders press up almost to your ears like you’re preparing yourself for the possibility of him yelling at you.

The wind buffers the two of you; the train’s breaks screeching loud and high pitched; shrill like a scream. It’s not like the usual trains that blow through this station; this one is an Amtrak- here to take you not just one town over but cities and lifetimes away.

A whole new life is at your fingertips, in your train ticket tucked into the pocket of Yoongi’s sweatshirt. And you don’t want it- you’d never want it but it’s your only option now.

To be honest, you’d think about killing yourself otherwise. But unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your perspective) your mating mark keeps you tethered to this life. You would never doom Yoongi to the heaviness you feel, lungs aching. You can’t remember the last time you breathed easy. You are already a ghost and Yoongi is a house you can haunt no longer.

“What the fuck are you thinking? You can’t leave!” He's half angry and half scared. You don’t respond, the doors of the train open with a huff of compressed air, you turn away and walk towards them. Done with the conversation.

You try to get on, and Hoseok grabs your wrist gently. Hoseok feels his phone buzz in his pocket and doesn't reach to check it, this is too important. You don’t wrestle your wrist out of his grasp, the twin picture of what you were earlier this evening but with your positions reversed. Hoseok’s skin on yours doesn’t burn; you don’t feel anything at all when he touches you. "You can't- you can't do this to them. You can't do this to me."

Your head whips around, lower lip quivering before you gets out the words. “You’re in no position to say that to me Hoseok.”

“The pack always helps each other work through things, you’d have to learn now- if you ever learn.” Namjoon's words do little to sway you, probably because Hoseok can only parrot them and their sentiments.

"Then all the better, This is for their own good."

He’s scrambling looking for something, anything to keep you from getting on the train. If you go he’s not sure that he’ll ever see you again. Yoongi will be devastated by this. He’ll be wrecked, inconsolable. If Hoseok cares about you- it's only because Yoongi does.

If he needs to be the villain to keep you here, if he needs to act like every bit the pig alpha you think he is then he will. Because if there's one thing Hoseok has learned about you it's that appealing to your own self-worth won’t work. He doesn't care if it makes him look selfish.

"If you go, who do you think they'll blame? Certainly not Yoongi," because that's the harsh truth isn't it. If you go, it would only lead to more resentment between the two of them. The fight will be easily forgiven, but pushing you so far that you go right out the door won’t be. This is his fault and Yoongi will blame him for it.

It has the opposite effect that Hoseok hoped it would. At that you turn, rolling your eyes at him and spitting your vitriol.

"No they wouldn't- they love you Hoseok, they don't love me. Don't you dare stop me from doing the one decent thing I've done since I came here."

The lights in the train flicker, a businessman pulling a suitcase pushes past the two of you, eyes lighting when he hears your conversation. The smell of angry alpha and an omega fighting interesting but he’s Sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. Hoseok doesn't bother to leash his growl, Properly chastised, the stranger ducks away- minding his own business.

Hoseok waits until he’s trotted down the platform. His voice a low hush, the train breathes behind you, adjusting to its spot on the tracks, a few minutes of refueling before it pulls away.

"Why speak to me now? You’re not a coward so why are you running away now?" Hoseok will say anything to keep you talking, the longer you're here on the tracks the greater the probability he stops you from going altogether. Lower lip quivering, smelling like a rainstorm with No hint of your sweetness.

You look like Hoseok had looked, that day by the coffee shop that Yoongi had offered him a place in his home and unknowingly a place in his heart. He can’t offer the same to you right now- not without it feeling inauthentic.

Your leaving will hurt the others. That's the only future that Hoseok is trying to avoid. But he’s also curious, Today is the most he’s ever heard you speak and it feels like a switch has been flipped. You’re talking, arguing even which is a massive change. He repeats his question, anything to keep you here for just a few more minutes. “Why are you suddenly talking? After weeks of muteness, why now?” 

He can only see half of your face in the light of the train, you look gaunt, like you’re about to melt into the shadows and become one, nothing more than a Specter and a ghost in their lives. Even if you leave tonight- Hoseok knows you won’t really be gone. Your shadow will follow him in perpetuity if you get on this train.

"Because I'm only afraid of one alpha in the entire world, and you're not him Hoseok."

He's scrambling at straws, your foot is already inside the train, he won't grab you back but he can't let you get on it. For Yoongi’s sake, for the pack’s sake. 

"We're both in pain, we're both grieving and we don't understand each other not yet. And we won't ever understand each other if you get on this train. Don’t you want to get better?”

Over the loudspeaker, they announce that the northbound Amtrak will depart in 3 minutes. Hoseok Doesn’t give you time to answer, badgering you with questions.

"If you leave now- you won't ever be able to heal, and you’ve got to want that, or else you’d already be gone." You and Hoseok are the only two people left on the platform.  

That he’s right about, and in truth- you’ve only stayed for Yoongi. He’s going to be devastated that in the end, he couldn’t save you. Not in a way that mattered. A life alone is not the life that your mate wants for you, that much you know.

"And you think you're the model of a healed victim?" you don't infuse your words with scorn like you could- they're just honestly curious. Does he? What does Hoseok see when he looks in the mirror? (Nothing, other than someone trying desperately to be worth loving)

"No I don't, but I think one day we both could be."

Maybe the words are half a truth and half a lie. Because really- Hobi doesn't know for sure. The conductor chooses that moment to come around. Both of you straighten up, and subconsciously or consciously you shuffle closer to him, subtly putting Hoseok in-between yourself and the newcomer.

"Are you getting on miss?"

As a last-ditch effort, Hoseok changes his tune. “If you still want to get on, in an hour, I'll let you go.” Hoseok makes the promise. And he hopes he’s not wrong to take this bet. "Give me one chance, let me try to convince you to stay and if I can't- then I'll let you go, and  I won’t tell Yoongi what train you took."

Because that is something he’d do, he’d Implore hoseok to tell him, beg, scream and shout.  Yoongi would do anything to find you again. To track you down just to talk to you- just to see you and make sure you were safe.

Hoseok watches, and there is a small moment before your shoulders relax and he knows he’s won. You shake your head, stepping back onto the platform. Putting Hoseok firmly in between yourself and the conductor. You might be comfortable talking to him now, but strangers still scare you.

"She'll get the next one" Hoseok tells him. It's too late at night for the conductor to want to put up a fight and he nods and continues on. The train departs the station before you’ve gotten to the stairs, yellow lights of the cabins dimming to a low blush over the dark tracks as it pulls away into the night.

The 24-hour coffee shop is one that Hoseok knows well. Knows from years coming here before Yoongi left. It’s the same one that Jin and Yoongi used to work for back when they first met. It's remained a date spot despite them quitting because the owner gives the whole pack free drinks regularly. He's not in tonight; it's just a leggy youth who turns the loud rap music down when the doorbell clangs.

The coffee shop has a cozy and warm atmosphere with several glass cases of finely made pastries at the front, glittering pastel treats that are probably reheated in the back. Hoseok asks if you want one and you crinkle your nose in response.

You’re the only two people in the coffee shop but you curl into the booth at the perfect vantage point to see everyone that might come in, your black backpack sits on the inside seat. Hoseok eyes it warily. He’d seen you tuck the gun into the front pocket. He wonders if you’d ever been trained to use guns or if it's just another thing that you’ve managed to piece together on your own, maybe a remnant of whatever life you’d had before Yoongi and his brother.

Jimin took him to the gun range once or twice before they started courting. The other alpha trying to impress the newcomer- a show of posturing mostly (flirting though, when Jimin had put his body around Hoseok’s and showed him how to hold it correctly, breath hot on the nape of his neck). Hoseok knows the weight and feel of a gun in his hand when the trigger gets pulled even if he’s never had to use one.

Hobi can’t say he likes them or approves of you carrying one. At least he can justify that Jimin is trained to handle one and needs it for his job. But the idea that you have a gun and that you might need it makes him unnerved. People don't get shot randomly at train stations, so why did think you would be?

You order your coffee with 2 extra shots of espresso, and though he knows that amount of caffeine this late at night can’t be healthy. He lets you have it, sliding it across the countertop. 

Hoseok has so many questions now that he’s got you talking, he wonders how many words you have for him tonight, are they like a bank? A set number? Will you run out or will he get to the end of them? He should probably choose carefully what he says just incase.

Hoseok is so lost in wondering what he should ask you that you're the one who speaks first. “Yoongi told me about your last pack earlier, When did you know?” you take a sip of your coffee. Mouth curling around the taste.

Do you taste Namjoon when you sip at your coffee, the same way that Hoseok has come to taste him first thing every morning with every cup? Or is it just coffee to you?

Yoongi telling you doesn’t surprise him especially because he wasn't sure if you already knew. Hoseok is a little glad he did- he doesn’t exactly consider what happened with his last pack a secret. Even the pack tends to talk about it in a cavalier manner because they know it helps Hoseok feel accepted, even if they fall short of real understanding at times. It’s so much harder and more unpleasant to just not talk about it- to try and ignore it and box up his trauma into something thats edible for the rest of the pack.  

“When did I know that I was being abused?” Hoseok tilts his cheek, weighing the words. “I think I always knew I just ignored it because it felt like I was paying for the love I got maybe- I'm not sure. It didn’t hit me for a few months until after I started talking about it with the others and I saw their reactions to the shit I thought was normal.”

In the sallow light of the cafe, you can almost imagine what his face might have looked like when bruises spread across his face- if they ever did- if his abuse was ever the same as yours. But it's not only the physical stuff that leaves its mark. You know that better than most.

Emotional abuse takes and takes and takes. The hole carving its way through your stomach; a hunger for something you can't ever eat is evidence of the damage that it can do. For what is a body other than a vessel for being loved; some would say food is a barrier for that- if you eat too much, less love will end up filling you and while you don't believe that anymore, but it's still hard to change your patterns. Everyone has a different soft spot. 

Maybe that's what his words were earlier- the mark of Hoseok’s abuse. Push people away before they get too close, or use his anger at others to hurt himself and deny himself that care. It’s not morally excusable, but you can't say you don't understand why he said what he did. You know what it’s like to want to be hurt. 

“They'd talk without me and they’d have these secret conversations, they’d go out on dates and leave me home only to dismiss my feelings of being left out, small stuff that just added up. And at the end of it- I was happy if they bothered to kiss my cheek after they were done using me.” he lets out a hollow laugh, “and I even had to beg for that by the end.”

“Using you? What do you mean?”

“They only thought alphas were good for one thing, you know? A stiff knot at the end of the day. I was the only alpha in that pack.” Hoseok doesn't want to say it, doesn't want to relive it in any meaningful way. Words like coercive rape and sexual abuse ring in his ears. He’s not ready to use those words to describe what they did to him, might not ever be. You won't ask, he knows you won't.  

You take a sip of your coffee, what he’s saying doesn't surprise you. Maybe you should feel more sympathy or less to Hoseok. “They should have got a dildo if they wanted a toy, for what it’s worth- I'm sorry that you were treated that way.” Words haunt your ears, your own abuser saying something similar ‘Omegas are only good for one thing.’

You wait a second swallowing your coffee, letting the ache in your throat ease a little. You can feel a little bit of a clawing feeling. Whether that's Yoongi's despair or just your mark acting up you're not sure. It doesn't change where you are right now, or Hoseok sitting across from you.

"Only people like us understand the difference between "I'm sorry that happened to you" and "I'm sorry for you" thanks for saying the first one."

"No problem" your conversation lapses into silence, but the words burst out of you unbidden. “My alpha told me the same thing.” You spit. Hoseok makes a noise in his throat, both understanding and commiserating. Both of you are the same; demons in your closet left from past lovers the same kind of monster. The fluorescent lights of the coffee shop flicker overhead.

“Yoongi’s brother?” Hoseok needs to clarify. You nod, and then tilt your head; letting your anger at Geumjae slide away. Because you can’t Hoseok go on believing what he wants about Yoongi. Yoongi matters more than any vitriol you might spit about your dead abuser.

“You should know that I never asked him to stay- quite the opposite. I tried to get him to go back to you time and time again and he just didn’t fucking listen.”

"Yoongi said the same thing earlier."

thoughts of Yoongi have the ability to make you smile at all hours of the day, even now. “He’s got issues with feeling responsible for mistakes he didn’t make.”

and Hoseok can’t help but grin, that sounds like Yoongi- stubborn when it comes to the people he loves. “Maybe that's something the three of us share.”

You look away, unable to meet his penetrating stare. “I don’t hate you, you know, in case you ever wonder.”

“I don’t hate you either.” The words lift a weight off of Hoseok's chest that he hadn’t realized had settled. His fingers tap on the linoleum tabletop, and behind the counter, the one youth starts some sort of machine that vibrates the whole shop and punctuates the air with a loud hiss, making both of you flinch.

“How did you- how did you get out? Yoongi told me that he offered you a place to stay and that's how you found them but how did you make the choice to leave?”

Hoseok thinks about it for a second. For all his griping and musing on his trauma, the act of leaving isn’t really something he thinks about often. “Did yours ever do that thing where like- they’d do something so obviously manipulative and eventually you got to the point where you couldn’t believe they even tried? Like if you want to use me just treat me as a thing because having thoughts about it is exhausting- I was exhausted; that's why I left.”

 Your eyes light, bright with understanding “All the time! He’d say this shit that just- so obviously showed he didn’t view me as a person and-”

“Do you still feel like a thing? Like you’re somehow less human than everyone else?”

Fear has made animals out of both of you, You and Hoseok share a long angst look, eyes brighter than streetlights pointing home. He sits back, giving another wince, and you look for the source of it. “What's wrong?” Why are you hurting? He shifts again, trying to find a comfortable position. His cheeks light up with the memory of Namjoon’s harsh touches. His cheeks go red.

“Nothing,” he says. When you put your cup down it thuds hollowly already empty.

“How did we end up on the wrong foot?”

“Because I was being a jealous dick, I’m sorry.”

You shrug and Hoseok wonders if it actually doesn't matter or if you’re just dismissing your own hurt. “What is it that they say? No one blames themselves like the victims?”

Hoseok doesn’t have anything else to say to that so he offers, “Do you want another cup?” you sigh and stare at your cup, deciding something in your head that Hoseok can’t parse through just by looking at you.

“Sure.” Hoseok doesn’t say anything and gets up to get you another drink, though this one is notably a hot chocolate and not a coffee, no more caffeine for you tonight. He already doesn’t like the way that you seem to be trembling, shaking slightly, though the jitteriness might just be your ptsd. Hoseok's protective alpha instincts make their show without his permission.

At the first sip, you level him with a perplexed look but after a challenging raise to his eyebrows you relax into the booth.

Together, you watch the street outside, streetlights and cars humming, the smooth concrete reflecting the light in places, everything smudges of acrid red and butter yellow. Spilling into the coffee shop like your emotions did minutes ago, though they’re stilling now- Hoseok’s warmth is tepid.

For the first time, Hoseok is offered the option to look at you unstudied; the tilt of your jaw is delicate, the kind of curve that a childlike hoseok (intent on a useless art degree) would have tried to replicate.

Your cheeks look a little less sallow, maybe a little warmer from the hot chocolate. When you turn your cheek a little farther, a thin line catches the light. A scar between your ear and your cheek that he’d noticed a few times before. he wonders if there are others.

Hoseok doesn’t often feel jealous, but sometimes he wishes he had marks like that- just to remember that what had happened to him had hurt- to have something to show for the years that had robbed him. The sorry truth about abuse is that it kills you- even if you’re left alive afterwords. Whoever he’d been before the abuse had died between the day it started and the day it ended.

Hoseok’s phone buzzes in his pocket, and he takes it out, having forgotten it was even in there- that it went off at all when you were at the train station.

His home screen is littered with notifications; calls and texts from their group chat and Namjoon in particular- oh fuck- his first thought is Dom drop, concern for the pack alpha that bleeds into his fingers. Until he thumbs through the messages, skimming them. He stills when he reads the lines and lines, panicked texts from Seokjin and Namjoon, the whole pack. Yoongi too, so many from Yoongi, over 50 messages.  

The last message is one from Jin; “we can’t find her, Jimin and Tae are searching by car. Namjoon and I are over at their house keeping Yoongi calm. We let Koo sleep but Hobi- if you get this come help, Yoongi’s going crazy.”

Hobi’s fingers hover over the ‘compose message’ section of his screen. His eyes flicker up to you. Instincts are a fickle thing to Hobi, not like Namjoon and Jimin- who more often than not bend to the will of their instincts.  Hoseok doesn't feel them often- but when he does, he listens to them. Jin's words ring in his ears "As long as you’re sincere she won’t mind, she’ll believe you. She just likes honesty."

Hoseok has had enough of lying to himself and to you.

He slides it across the table to you, open to the string of text messages. You turn your body in the booth, pulling your knees up to your chest, and lean against the table, fingers thumbing through the texts. The farther up you scroll, the wider your eyes get.

“They’re looking for me?” You sound so surprised, almost quiet like you don't dare to hope that they are. What? Did you honestly think that they wouldn’t that they’d let you go? That they hadn’t accepted you into their ranks so easily?

“Of course they are.” Hoseok looks at the phone and smiles. Though it feels a little awkward on your mouth, lower lip twitching. “They want you safe.”

Your voice is so quiet, that Hoseok doesn't know if you even mean him to hear what you say. “I don’t know if I can feel that again.”

“I thought so too before them. But with them- you don’t have to trade your feelings of safety for being loved.”

You pull your knees closer to your chest, a clear presentation of nesting instinct. You shouldn't do that here- you should do it home. Where you can really curl up and nest with your pillows and other blankets, .

“I can’t promise that if you stay, I'm going to be perfect, or that I’ll never slip up again, but I don’t believe what I told you. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. Just like what happened to me wasn’t mine."

“It’s so easy to place the blame on yourself, and tell yourself you should have done better, should have acted differently isn’t it?”

“Yeah” Hoseok scratches his chin, “I’ll be honest, and sometimes the pack doesn't get it.” His peach fuzz is starting to grow in. And it makes a noise a little against his fingernails.

“Everyone but-“

“Jin,” you say at the same time, only to laugh because yeah, Jin does tend to know everything related to trauma and recovery as well as personally invested in the wellbeing of the whole pack. Even you’ve gathered that in your short time with them.

Hoseok lets out his first genuine laugh of the night, your shoulders twitch and your lips lift, and Hoseok feels a little bit like he’s seuceding in this. “They’re not perfect- but they do try.”

You turn over his words, silence greeting you. Hoseok finishes his cup and doesn’t buy himself another one. Still watching you and Letting the phone buzz on the counter between you. Messages from Jimin and Tae- talking about a fruitless search in the city streets and which roads they’ve driven down and which ones they haven’t.

You wait a few more seconds, the light on the streets seems somehow brighter and the clouds overhead clear for a moment. If it weren’t for the light pollution you might be able to see the stars.

In the end, it's your decision, not Hobi’s, not anything he presses you to do, and he can see the decision work your way through you.

They’re looking for me, they want me to stay; and simple truth, that the alpha sitting across from you in the sticky linoleum booth wants you to stay too. Maybe that's all you needed to know in the first place.  

Your hands shake as you slide the phone back to him. Your hand loostening where it’s hovered for most of your conversation fisted tight on the strap of your backpack.

“Are you ready to go home?” you ask tentatively. Your words are receding, swallowed in the wake of your decision. Your voice cracks but Hoseok has never felt more valiant.

“Yeah, let's go.”

He doesn't text them, doesn't betray you yet. Maybe you only needed a little encouragement to stay and now that you’ve gotten it it will all be okay. Hoseok makes a mental note to tell the others that you might need a little more positive reinforcement going forward.

You hover closer as you both sink into the shadows. Hopping from puddle of light to puddle of light, streetlight to streetlight. Tossing your cups into a nearby bin as you go.

The streets are empty of cars this late at night but not empty of people. A bar must have just let out, because alphas stinking of booze and omegas sweet with inviting pheromones are leaking onto the streets. You and Hoseok bounce from the sidewalk and back to the street to keep your distance. Hoseok almost wants to put himself between you and anyone else.But he thinks better of it when he sees your shoulders hunch; you can handle yourself.

After all, you're the one with the gun.

Hoseok doesn't know how he forgot. He’s not really pissed that you pulled it on him (not entirely convinced that he didn’t deserve it to be honest) but maybe one day he’ll ask for an explanation of why you had it. Not tonight- no- for the rest of tonight Hoseok will let you rest.

Your body gives a shiver at a sudden breeze; it’s so visceral in the way that Hoseok sees it shake through you that he can't not ask. “Are you cold?” he can almost tell that you’re going to say you’re not. But then you bite your lip.

“It’s not a cold thing it's more a PTSD thing.” your adrenaline is going down, you can tell it in the way that the haze is stopping. You wouldn't say you've dissociated the last 4 or 5 hours, but it's not- not a dissociation. You can't tell if you lack the words to describe what you're feeling or if there just isn't a good way to verbalize it.

Hoseok sees you start to tremble violently one second and then watches you go unnervingly still the next. Hoseok waits, sensing another sentence tacked onto it. “During triggers or times of flight or fight your body will reallocate blood flow to your major organs as a way of making sure they function properly.”

“So that’s what that was” Hoseok puts his hand up against a streetlight, silhouetted. “Did you learn that from therapy?”  You scoff, and he grins, unable to keep it off his face because- yeah- therapy really isn’t a thing that either of you has pursued.

“Nah it was the internet- also makes you-“ Hoseok watches, a second too far away with his poor reaction time as your foot catches the side of the concrete lip and sidewalk. 

You catch yourself but only just barely before your face fully collides with the ground, Broken glass glitters on the sidewalk like little stars, especially under your hands, “oh shit- y/n-“

“-Numb” you finish, word muffled, your chin got a little scrape on it but as Hoseok helps you up it’s your hand that you stare down at. You’re bleeding, a shallow gash across your palm. Your blood stings acrid in Hoseok’s nose, he leads you over underneath a streetlight.

“Let me see” Hoseok very carefully picks a piece of glass out of the shallow graze; very neatly across your palm it’s almost like-

Your grin is brittle; maybe it would be warm if it weren’t so cold, uncommonly cold for a night in mid- June. You realize it the same second he does. “We’ve got cuts in the same spot” he sets his palm next to yours and truthfully- it probably looks the same- the continuation of a similar wound- he’d be able to tell if his hand wasn’t still bound by Namjoon’s bandages.

 He watches you bleed, and the the blood drip onto the concrete. Feeling something in his head spinning. He’s not usually faint at the sight of blood, but that’s probably because it’s yours. You wipe the blood off on yoongi’s sweatshirt. Luckily its black, Hoseok makes a noise in the back of his throat. 

“I’ve had worse, it’s fine.” Somehow that doesn’t make Hoseok feel any better.

Hoseok takes his jacket off and plops it onto your shoulders. The jacket is rough and warn in at the hem. It smells like Hoseok- like a mix of caramel and maybe a little cinnamon- though that spiciness is probably just Tae. The jacket smells a bit like every member in the pack. The same way dens do. He must not wear it often if it smells like their apartment.

You hold it tight around your shoulders. “I could get blood on it.”  

“It’s fine.”

“You’ve got to be cold.”

Hoseok is cold, but if anything it only makes him walk quicker. “Let’s go home then so I can stop being cold.” He doesn’t turn back, but somehow he knows you’re smiling. It's small and shy but it’s still a smile. Hoseok can feel the weather changing on his tongue. To him- it tastes a lot like hope.

He’s so struck with the idea that he doesn’t notice when his own foot misses the ledge and he goes down seconds later.

Your laugh skitters and sputters, like that scene in howls moving castle- the one that’s Taehyung’s favorite- when the stars skip and die in the surface of the lake where the castle is parked. Hoseok doesn’t fall as bad as you, he only has to flick his hands to clear them of dirt and debris. Though the skin still aches with the memory of falling. you hold out a hand and he takes it, letting you pull him up.

“You’re an asshole for laughing at me for that,”

“Well you victim blamed me earlier so I think I’m allowed.”

Hoseok can’t not return your laugh, god- this feels better from where you where, now your insults are all playful and leashed, a smile trailing behind them. he makes his voice sound purposefully silly when he says “You’re such a fucking omega.”

“That’s rough to hear from a bitch ass alpha” Hoseok’s laugh joins yours. chest hurting, aching with it. 

The walk has gone so quickly while you talked, you’re almost home. Your street is barely lit as you pad down it. You hover closer to each other but not quite as close as you might walk to Seokjin or Jimin. Close enough to Hoseok that he could reach out and hold your hand, and would if you were one of the others. 

Every house on the block has dark windows accept for yours; every single light is on in your house. There is even a light on in the unfinished attic, the space gleaming behind the tarps.  

You pause out front, looking into the house, a figure you can see silhouetted behind the curtains. Namjoon’s car is in the driveway, and you think you can hear tense and raised voices.

Now, you’ll get to see the house in its finished state, it won’t stay the hunk of rotting wood and old-fashioned fixtures like it is now. You’ll get to put in your opinion on what it should look like and be able to put a fresh coat of paint here and there and now- now you’ll get to wait and watch it become home. 

Maybe you'll even get to see them move in one day. It doesn’t escape you that even Hoseok referred to it as home earlier.

Your footsteps slow on the sidewalk, until you’ve stopped all together, Hoseok looks back, stopping a step after you do. “Can you do something for me?” you ask, voice thick, eye sparkling with tears because- you can't believe you gave up on this.

Hoseok nods, he looks tired, but also alive when he looks at you a smile constantly playing at the edge of his mouth. And you think- not for the first time tonight, that Hoseok is probably the most alike you in terms of everyone in the pack. Maybe all you really needed to stay was that, a little bit of deeper understanding. 

He said he craved it with them earlier- that they fell short. Maybe, just maybe, you could give him that.

But love can be a fickle thing, know too much about a person and you might not love them at all- and know too little and you might delude yourself into thinking that fondness and infatuation is love.

You slide the train ticket out of your pocket and hand it to him. Hoseok flicks the edge with his long fingers. You don’t know how you never noticed it before but he’s got thin bird-like bones, delicate and pretty though you guess he’s always been sort of pretty for an alpha- hell even Jungkook looks like more of an alpha than him. But you’re beginning to think that almost everyone in the pack breaks the original stereotypes that you had for them.

“This is valid for another year you know?” and it is, the ending date exactly a year from tonight is printed on the back.

“Hold on to it for me? If I need it I’ll-”

Hoseok nods, sliding it into his wallet; “you can get it from me.” Hoseok doesn't mention if he'll let you go then, or if he'll try to talk you out of it. You’ll cross that bridge when you come to it.

(You don’t know that that strip of paper will come to mean so much to the two of you, a representation of the commitment you not only share with each other but to staying- to trying and continuing to try even when it feels hard.)

Maybe you’re too similar to ever fall in love, but you’ve got a feeling that maybe, in the future you’ll be able to try.

Yoongi’s eyes are tear-filled and bloodshot when he hurls the door open at the first sound of footsteps on the porch. His hair is splayed like he’s been running his hands through them, cheeks tearstained and tacky with dried salt.

He hurtles into you, Namjoon and Jin staring sheepishly behind as Yoongi sweeps you into a bruising hug, as firm as he can make it without actually hurting you. Pulling back after a second to cup your cheeks, forehead pressed to yours. 

The cross set of his jaw ticks as he stares, fresh tears spilling down his cheeks. He’s never been angrier with you than he is right now, and he has every right to be. 

“You freaking dick. You asshole,” he says, the last word strangled by a sob, but he's also just simply thankful that you're here. That you'd come back.

Yoongi has only truly panicked three times in his life. The first time was when Jungkook had a seizure in front of him, that dinner and first meeting so long ago. And second; the night that Geumjae took you. Tonight is the only other event that vies for a top spot.

“You’re an idiot.” Hoseok watches Yoongi’s hands smooth up and down your back, sees the confusion, and then the realization that you're also wearing Hoseok's jacket over it. 

You laugh, a little wetly, tears pressed into his scent gland because oh, you’d missed him. You’d only been gone for a little while and yet- you missed him so fucking much. You don't know how you would have ever managed to stay away. If you would have been able to stay separated from him for very long at all.

Hoseok sighs out his frustration and his fear, letting it go fully now because yeah- he did manage to get you here- to get you back- he’s done the job of a good alpha. He feels relieved and fulfilled that he's started to make it up to Yoongi. Any lingering awkwardness from this morning is forgiven after this. Yoongi is holding you so close that you might as well be one person, makes eye contact with Hobi over his shoulder  “Thank you Hobi, thank you for bringing her back.”

Hoseok can’t do more than grin sheepishly. “I was just- correcting my mistake.” he doesn't catch Namjoon's raise of his eyebrows in his direction. "Now come on, let me in, it's getting cold."

An awkward silence hovers, you and Hobi go to take off your shoes only to realize that everyone else is still wearing them.

The three of you are dimly aware of Namjoon jumping on the phone at the first sight of you. "She’s back, Hoseok's got her." then a pause, "Minnie just go home- go to sleep you don't need to" Namjoon's tone builds into something terser, probably from the hours of panic. "Minnie- if you need to think of it as an order then sure. Go home with Tae. okay, love you- I'll tell her."

But you're barely aware of it- staring at Yoongi as he stares at you. He goes from concerned mate to bristly cat in about 5 seconds once the relief dissipates and the anger returns.

He’s broken when he speaks it, the words reached clean from his chest like an act of violence. Spitting the guts and viscera of his feelings, his heart- his everything onto the floor of your house. “Why the fuck did you leave? Why the fuck did you drop this fucking note and just- walk out of our lives like that? I don’t give a fuck that you were gone for an hour!" your first words fall silent, Yoongi really does know you well if he could guess them as easy as that.

You’d think after today Yoongi still wouldn’t have any tears left, but these come from a hallowed place inside of him. Maybe reading your letter had broken a part of Yoongi that didn’t need to get broken.

"It was just a bad day, I'm sorry I made a rash decision but-"

"Bullshit!" his curse words are percussive, and for the first time you're awarded the ability to look around, the lamp lies broken on the floor, all of the jackets that usually hang on the hooks thrust to the side. The couch cushions are ripped out of place, dining room chairs are upended.

There isn't a lot of real damage done, but as you all firmly make your way into the house the wreckage really greets you.

You won’t really realize it until later, but the only place Yoongi left truly un touched is your nest. Yoongi wouldn't touch that- wouldn't dream of it. But the rest of the house hasn't been so lucky.

Namjoon is wearing his shoes in your house- something he rarely ever does. And that's because of the cookware- plates and bowls shattered onto the ground and crunching underfoot. What is it with the last 24 hours and broken glass?

"I know you- this had to have a deeper meaning to it don't just call it a rash decision" Yoongi knows that you don't make decisions like this without thinking about it, for hours probably. He’s seen you make a pros and cons list about what to bake for the day, no way you just acted without thinking about it.  

Your intake of breath is so shallow that Hoseok almost feels it himself, words soft like you're begging Yoongi for some understanding.

"You cannot honestly tell me you wouldn’t have run back to them as quickly as you could had the circumstance been any different. If you didn’t decide to feel guilty for me; we wouldn’t have ended up together, and I wouldn’t be here.”

Yoongi shakes his head, but he’s still holding you. He won’t let the two of you be parted even an inch after the panic of almost losing you. “You’re still fucking convinced that guilt is the only reason I could fucking want you, and I get that it's not your fault, but it doesn't give you the right to continually throw my love for you back at my feet.”

“I’m not- I just-”

“Well you could have fooled me." the pack hasn't ever seen the two of you fight- from the way you're both crying as you spit these words- meant to hurt each other. It’s a little concerning but also a little funny Maybe because you still haven't let go of each other- yelling at each other a few inches away.

Namjoon and Jin send Hobi a look as if to say, "What did you do to her?" to them- this seems like a real switch of character. Especially once you start hurling insults.

“Oh, you fucking asshole.”

“You know the thing about assholes is it takes one to know one."

Hoseok steps forward at that “oh just quit it already! Both of you need to stop having this fucking competition of who is the most unlovable.” Hoseok’s cheeks are pink, the two of you whipping around. Like you’ve honestly forgotten that there is anyone else here.

Beside him, Jin blinks, like he’s remembering too. The pack omega looks absolutely exhausted, but he still takes control of things “You’re both here now” you nod sheepishly, “are you going to leave again?”

Your cheeks turn down into a pout, “No.”

“Then it’s time to go to bed and table this conversation for another time.” You both sigh, looking at each other- like you’re waiting for the other one to take the bait. It is nearing 3 am. Work is going to be hell tomorrow for Namjoon but the pack alpha won’t leave you alone right now.

You reach up and cup Yoongi’s cheek, wiping the tears off with your thumb. He steps closer to you, his boots crunching over the broken pieces of china. The product of his anger and his despair. “Did you really have to trash the kitchen?”

“No- but in the moment I was too scared to breathe.”

“You don’t have to be scared again” it feels silly, to parrot the words back to Yoongi that he’s said to you countless times- the same sentence that you have never for a second believed when it came out of his mouth. It feels stupid to expect him to believe you now.

Yoongi swallows. Pulling you in for another hug, gentler this time swaying slightly. Your bodies fitting together like bits of a puzzle piece. Namjoon steps forward like he wants to hug you too. But Jin keeps him back with a hand on his chest. “Leave them be- you’ll get your snuggles in a second.” Namjoon shakes his head; he gets a little clumsier this late, his puppy alpha brain slowing. Seokjin gives the orders right now.

Namjoon cleans up the second bedroom for the three of them while Seokjin and Hoseok start to sweep up the kitchen. Yoongi hovers- your present shadow, he can’t stop touching you, can’t physically remove his fingers from you when he’s feeling clingy like this. He almost lost you tonight- really lost you. And a wordless anxiety- the same fear he’d felt when he’d woken and found the bed cold still won’t leave him. It gets worse when his skin isn’t touching yours. 

You’re touching him but it doesn't make him feel any less touch starved. 

Yoongi physically can’t let you go, but he still feels guilty that everyone is cleaning up his wreckage- all that he tore up in his rapid search to find anything- any fragment that might indicate where you’d gone. He shouts protests to anyone who might listen- “come on guys” he says, “just give me a second, and then I'll do that.” But he's steamrolled by Jin’s disapproving glare.

You don't know what he might have seen when you were gone, what kind of panic attack Jin and Namjoon must have talked him through. All you know is that just about anything and everything on the ground floor is rummaged through or broken. And that there is a faint trembling in your mates arms when he holds you.

When it's done- and the shards are cleaned up to the point where no one risks hurting themselves. The rest of Yoongi’s wreckage is left for this morning.  You don’t have any plates left, and you sit on the counter. Still wearing Hoseok’s jacket and Yoongi’s sweatshirt- something that hasn’t been missed by the oldest omega that sends Hoseok several pregnant looks.

Hoseok really doesn’t care, you can keep it as long as you want, fold it into your nest if it makes you feel safer- if it makes you want to stay at all. 

The drawers got emptied onto the kitchen floor, so every fork and knife sits in the sink. He stoops to pick them up, tossing them in with a clang. Hoseok is honestly a little impressed that Yoongi’s anger and destruction was so complete, his melt down must have been of legendary proportions.

Hoseok ignores them in favor of watching you down a few pastries in a cleared section of the kitchen. They’re Your own- from the fridge, Cold little balls of oatmeal and chocolate. Not exactly the healthiest thing, But even Yoongi is surprised that you eat more than one or two.

“Did you really not want anything at the coffee shop because you had better ones at home?”

Your words are muffled through the bread in your mouth, “yepf.”

Hoseok is punchy and sleep drunk, “you’re incredible.”  

You roll your eyes but smile all the while. None of this is missed by the rest of the pack, who watch, almost concerned like they're worried they're going to have to step in. But whatever happened between the two of you tonight has fixed something, or at least realigned it. It’s strange, Namjoon is almost half jealous that he'd gotten you to talk so easily.

You all drag, tired enough that you decide to leave the rest of the cleanup for tomorrow. But before you go Namjoon pauses in the hallway outside your bedroom. You step away from Yoongi and he makes a noise, a displeased grumble, lingering behind you, gripping the edge of the sweatshirt. If he can’t touch you- it’s the next best thing. 

Namjoon gently grips your shoulders, you’re so much smaller than the pack alpha, it should be comical but somehow, it's sweet, how easily you lean into his hands. His palms cover almost all of your back.

Namjoon looks exhausted, but just as relived as Hoseok feels, “You don’t do that again okay? If you have a problem or if you need time you tell us and we’ll give it to you. You can ask for things you know, including distance. It doesn't have to be all or nothing with us.”

You hold his wrist, pressing your palm against his skin tentatively.

You nod, your words apparently all gone and used up finally too tired to speak. You don’t know what tomorrow will look like, but it will probably be a slow day, probably a hard one. Hoseok isn't the only one who makes a mental note of that. your scent is starting to get mucky.

Yoongi pulls you into the other room once everything’s been put back together, the three of them move to get ready for bed there is a box of spare toothbrushes under the sink in the spare bathroom. And Hoseok lingers, brushing his teeth in the hallway.

Yoongi does leave the doors open between your two rooms. And Hoseok thinks that he hears you talking. He can smell the two of you too- close enough to scent the air and note the moment that your scents shift and mellow out from angry rain and ocean to sweet chocolate bread or cake.

That’s also why he hears what Yoongi says to you. Yoongi knows he's there, it's not like he's eavesdropping.  

"I need you to promise me you're never going to do this again, Y/n- please just- just tell me that at least. Even if you don't mean it, even if it's a lie- please-" maybe this is too much for Yoongi to handle in one day, the fight, talking through the past, and now this. Maybe he's a little unhinged. He’s grasping at you while he sits on the edge of your nest, undisturbed, but your clothes heaped on the floor. his large hands dig into your hips like he's trying to use you to make himself whole.

You comb your fingers through his hair. The ache in your chest burns as Yoongi nuzzles close, putting his ear to your chest to listen to your heartbeat.

You make eye contact with Hoseok in the doorway, He’s about to say something, but you give him a small shake of your head. Maybe this is your and Hoseok's secret, a shared little moment of two of you.

The train ticket in his pocket burns. 

"I promise Yoongi." he exhales, can't stop touching you, can't stop dragging his hands up and down your back, each touch reaffirming to him that you’re there, tangible and in the flesh. Hoseok leaves, shutting off the lights in the hallway.

Yoongi doesn't fall asleep that night, even though he desperately needs it. He stays awake holding you. Watching the sun color the sky outside, a light blue that melts away to pretty yellow.

Hobi curls up with Namjoon and Jin, a protective little egg in the center of their arms. Bare chested and bare legged and in nothing but his boxers (Jin took a disapproving look at the stained and trampled hem of his pyjama pants before he got into the makeshift nest), Namjoon rubs his chin slowly on top of Hobi’s head, scent marking him with a low happy grumble.

Hoseok is tired enough that his eyes close the second they hit the pillow and he listens to Seokjin and Namjoon outline the next day; something they do as pack alpha and pack omega. Making sure all their little ducks are in a row so that their perfect pack will run smoothly.

Jin will be the first one to go home the following morning, Hoseok lets the information wash over him. “I’ve got to leave early in the morning to get back to the office in the morning before 7, special meeting. I probably won’t be here when you wake up but I'll ask the pups to come over and help Yoongi clean up.”

“okay, i’ll make sure they’re here before we leave, love you”

“love you” Hoseok mumbles, pink cheeked and buried in their scents, nosing through the covers happily. 

“love you too pup.” Hoseok eases into sleep; he can't say he hates sleeping in the house. He’s used to the noises of an old house settling, the noises of other people in a too-small space. It almost smells like the house he grew up in. Not old enough to smell clean, but certainly not too old. the mattress is comfortable too- free of the usual divots and curved mounds from years of sleeping in the same general configuration. 

It’s kind of funny how quickly it all changes in the morning.

The pack alpha is so firm underneath Hoseok's cheek, his chest moving faintly with soft sleep warm breathes. Rocking Hoseok's body like a boat at sea, asleep still but it's only a matter of time. They both have work and can only remain safely in the remnants of Jin's nest for so long.

Both of them woke up when Seokjin left though Hoseok remembers nothing about what he might have done or said other than the press of Jin’s lips to his forehead. But neither of them expected to be woken up so soon after feeling Jin leave- barely 30 minutes.

It’s not him that wakes them, or the muffled footsteps and sounds in the house say someone is awake. Yoongi’s finally given up on sleep, has set out to make coffee for the three of his loves that are still asleep. Odds are Yoongi is just Hoping he can prolong the inevitable of them leaving and have as many of his pack mates under the same roof for as long as possible.

Hoseok’s phone is still dead sitting on the bedside table, dead and basically a brick. But Namjoon’s buzzes fervently. It's not an alarm but a phone call. That’s unusual, Namjoon isn't on call this week so whatever medical emergency it is, isn't his responsibility.  

Namjoon’s voice is still sleepy when he picks up the phone. “Hello?”

“Don’t you hello me you motherfucker!”

The shock of those words has Namjoon blinking awake. Registering the sound of voices on the other end of the line, Jin, and an unrecognizable deep voice. Namjoon gets out of the bed, feet sliding onto the floor before his brain has caught up with his body.

“Jin, what's wrong!?”

“Wrong! You dare to ask what's wrong, oh- Kim Namjoon when I get my hands on you- I’ll-” something in the background crashes. Then comes Jimin’s panicked voice muffled through a cellphone. Indiscernible.

“Jin?” Namjoon’s eyes are wide, mouth parted; every instinct that speaks to protect his pack alive and alight at the sound of his people panicked “what's going on?”

“Why don’t you tell me? Can you think of anything you might have forgotten to do in the last month or so? Do you care to tell me-” Jin’s voice is barely leashed, his anger ancient and endless. Building to a shrill scream the more he talks. “Why I came home to find our landlord outside our door? A new tenant is moving into our apartment today."

Namjoon's eyes widen, his heart pumping with adrenaline in a way that only Jin's voice can do, "Baby hold on a second I-"

"You don't get to call me baby- You piece of shit of a pack alpha- I swear to god when I get my hands on you-“

In a moment of pure panic, Namjoon calls for Yoongi.

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#bts x reader #bts a/b/o au #bts polyamory #bts omegaverse #bts gang au #bts mafia au #bts werewolf fic #bts polamory fic #bts poly fiction #bts angst #bts hurt/comfort #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts pack au #seokjin x reader #namjoon x reader #hoseok x reader #yoongi x reader #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader #jungkook x reader #kim seokjin fic #kim namjoon fic #min yoongi fic #jung hoseok fic #jungkook fic #taehyung fic #jimin fic

[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave You (Pt. 13)

*(Sneak Peak)* (Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Namjoon has royally fucked up but luckily the pack has a place to go.

Tags: non-verbal episodes/coming out of non-verbal episodes, insomnia, discussions of hate/self hate, verbal fights, References to PTSD, hurt/comfort, implied little space, discussion of sexual dynamics, BDSM, Sex toys, Crack, Fluff, references to trans characters, internalized misgendering, 

W/c: 11.0k

A/n: ah here we go! sorry it took a little longer than i thought it would! there is a hurricane hitting where i live tomorrow, so i’m getting out a smaller chapter just in case i loose power for a few days! 

Previous part — Masterlist

Part 13: Moving Day 

Namjoon waits, Jin finishes the dishes. And only when he’s done and drying his hands meticulously on a cloth does he speak, slow and carefully, like he’s choosing his words the way a butcher would a knife.

“Jimin and Tae went to go rent a moving van, Jungkook is picking up some boxes and trash bags, and Hobi is making some space for our stuff at Yoongi’s house before Jungkook picks him up. I managed to talk down our Landlord; he’s agreed to set up our tenants in another unit temporarily. But we have until tomorrow morning to move out completely. And no- if you’re wondering- you asking Yoongi to let us move in does not qualify as fixing the absolute cluster fuck of a situation that you created.”

His voice gets acidic towards the end but Joon waits- Jin isn’t done speaking. his next words are calmer- softer when he eventually continues. 

He swallows down his disappointment, and maybe that’s what hurts the most, at his core- Jin is more disappointed in him than anything else. Jin doesn’t need to break things when he can do it so unintentionally with words. 

“I know it’s supposed to be us vs. The problem but this is one that you’ve created for us Joon, something completely avoidable. What the fuck where you thinking?” Namjoon opens his mouth but Jin holds up a hand, shaking his head swiftly. “never mind actually- I don’t think it matters.”

He sighs, the tenseness going out of his shoulders minutely, not enough for Joon to feel truly forgiven. He waits, at attention. Guilt raking through him leaving his chest feels raw, tearing up his roots. His breathes doing deep in the way that it does when the alpha is trying not to cry.

 “I want you to know that I’m mad at you, I probably will be mad at you for a little while,” Jin sighs, jamming the heal of his hand into his eyes to stem the threat of tears. his next breath is shakier than namjoon expects.

“but I still love you, and this doesn’t change that.”

Coming Monday August 23rd @ 5pm EST (Time Zone Adjustments below) 

#bts x reader #bts a/b/o au #bts polyamory #bts omegaverse #bts gang au #bts mafia au #bts werewolf fic #bts polamory fic #bts poly fiction #bts angst #bts hurt/comfort #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts pack au #seokjin x reader #namjoon x reader #hoseok x reader #yoongi x reader #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader #jungkook x reader #kim seokjin fic #kim namjoon fic #min yoongi fic #jung hoseok fic #jungkook fic #taehyung fic #jimin fic

[hollyhomburg]

Before I Leave you (Pt.14)

(Sneak Peak) (Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: The first night they sleep in the house comes with sleepy steps and communal showers...And other firsts...

Tags: Fluff, hurt/comfort, Nesting, References to anorexia and anorexic eating habits, PTSD, discussion of physical scars, low-self esteem, omega space, lots of seokjin x reader content,

W/c: 9.0k

A/n: here you go! i think i might need to take a short break from this series soon, to work on one of my other series- and to take a break in general cuz i've been chugging along pretty regularly with it and i feel like somethings gonna give if i don't take a step back for a few days! 

Previous Part — Masterlist

Part 14: Like A Sigh 

Seokjin doesn’t know what he was expecting from your room or your nest but it's offaly pretty. 

This- this is the den-like atmosphere he wants and didn’t find in the other bedroom. the dark flower-patterned wallpaper and the teal accent walls make the room feel cozy and small. Safe even. The sole lamp makes the room drenched in cozy golden shadows. Blackout curtains too that must let you and Yoongi sleep as long as possible cover the windows.

Your curtains might be drawn but the windows are open, the sweet air of summer fills the room, clean evening wars equal with the smell of chocolate cake- the smell of you and Yoongi that permeates the room.

How many nights have you curled up together here to have it smelling so happy? Neither you nor Yoongi has a particularly strong scent but it's everywhere. it’s so unlike jin’s alphas, or even Jungkook who you can almost taste when you breathe deep near him.

Jin doesn’t realize he’s just standing there, breathing, enjoying the way that your smell eases the ache in his nose until you’re blinking up at him from the confines of your nest cuddled under the thick layer of pillows and blankets, one of them falls on the floor at your sudden movement and you whine. staring at it forlornly. before Seokjin can answer and dart forward to give you anything your heart desires like his instincts demand- Yoongi stoops to pick it up. you make grabby hands at it and then hug it back to your chest, your unhappy chirp becomes a velvet-like purr.

Yoongi’s eyebrows’ are raised expectantly, and Jin realizes he’s been staring. just watching the two of you get ready for bed, domestic and intimate. something that maybe he’s not allowed to see

but maybe he is, after all, he lives here now. 

 “I just- I was going to-“ jin’s breath catches in his throat.

Coming Saturday, August 28th @ 5pm EST 

(Time zone Adjustments below) 

#bts x reader #bts a/b/o au #bts polyamory #bts omegaverse #bts gang au #bts mafia au #bts werewolf fic #bts polamory fic #bts poly fiction #bts angst #bts hurt/comfort #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts pack au #seokjin x reader #namjoon x reader #hoseok x reader #yoongi x reader #jimin x reader #taehyung x reader #jungkook x reader #kim seokjin fic #kim namjoon fic #min yoongi fic #jung hoseok fic #jungkook fic #taehyung fic #jimin fic