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cutaepatootie · 6 years

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Now or Never - 07 | FINAL

Pairing: Hoseok | Reader Genre: racer hoseok au / angst / smut Word Count: 17.2k

A/N: oh wow, this was a long ride *pun intended* Anyways, here it is, the final chapter of this serie. It’s sad to finally write down everything I thought about while listening to Now or Never by Halsey more than a year ago. Seeing everything finished makes me feel sad and I don’t know how to feel about this part, if I like it or not... But I hope you do :) Thanks for being here. Lots of love!

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Pt. 01 | Pt. 02 | Pt. 03 | Pt. 04 | Pt. 05 | Pt. 06 | Pt. 07 final

“Hello?” the male voice says through the other side of the line.

“Hi.”

“Y/N? I thought you had deleted my number?”

“You texted me the other day, remember?” you say, biting your lower lip.

“And you left me on read,” Hoseok sighs. “I thought maybe you needed some space or something.”

“I thought so too,” you whisper.

You lower your head and lean your back on the locker behind you. Hoseok remains silent too.

“Can I see you tonight?” you mumble after a few seconds.

You can hear his doubt even through the phone.

“A… Are you sure you wanna see me? I don’t wanna rush you into anything,” he says.

“I’m sure,” you nod reassuringly.

“Okay, well then… I’m dying to see you too,” he says, and you can imagine him with that radiant smile drawn on his lips.

It only breaks your heart even more.

“I’m at work right now, but my shift ends in fifteen minutes,” you say, looking at the clock that almost marks midnight.

“I’ll be there in ten,” he says, hanging up.

You sigh, putting your phone in your backpack. Bringing your knees to your chest, you hug them tightly. Tonight is your last day at work. To say that you’ll miss it would be a complete lie, but the fact that you won’t work here anymore means more than just stop coming here ever week, or stop getting paid.

Just as he said, in less than ten minutes Hoseok is there, letting you know through text message.

After saying goodbye to your colleagues, you leave the hospital through the staff door. There he is, inside his silver Porsche waiting for you.

Quickly, you walk towards the car looking around you and making sure no one is there watching you, even though you wouldn’t be surprised to find Mark somewhere.

“Hey,” Hoseok says once you get in the car, hesitant. He doesn’t know how to approach you.

You guess you’re the one to blame, since you ignored his texts and called him out of the blue.

“Can we just go for a ride?” is all you say.

He looks at you one more time before igniting the engine and getting out of the parking lot.

You remain silent as you press your forehead to the glass of the passenger window. You watch the streetlights disappear as you pass by, leading to deserted streets and dark alleys. The neon lights adorn the tall buildings of the city and the last buses leave their passengers on their stops. It looks like a completely different world by night.

You don’t know where Hoseok is leading you, you just wanted to escape with him for a few hours, maybe make yourself believe that everything was fine and that you wouldn’t have to betray the only person that has kept loyal to you through these past months.

Finally, the car reaches a more secluded are on the outskirts of the city.

It is a small mountain from where you can see the landscape of the city, all its lights looking like stars in the distance.

Hoseok stops the car and turns off the engine, leaving the radio on as soft music plays on the background. The only lights that enlighten you both are the ones from the panel of the car.

“Are you okay?” he asks after a short silence.

You’ve thought about it all week, about Mark’s words and threats. Your sister was all that mattered to you, or so you thought, because making a decision has been more difficult than you thought it’d be. Sure, you had feelings for Hoseok, but you had never thought that they had reached the point where sacrificing you and Hoseok for your sister would be something you needed to think about more than once.

You’ve thought about telling Hoseok and convincing him to help you, but how would he react when you told him that you were the mysterious new racer of the Black Panthers? His rival. You know he likes you, and that he wants to keep seeing you and is willing to take the risk… But does he feel the same way about you? Does he love you? You don’t know that for sure, you don’t know if he would be willing to risk more than his position in the Blue Eagles for you and your sister, much less after hiding such a secret from him all this time. Plus, if Mark found out he had helped you… Would your sister be safe?

“Hey,” he calls once again when you stay still and don’t say a word. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

You shake your head, your eyes still somewhere far from that car.

“Y/N, baby,” he whispers, two of his fingers grabbing your chin softly and turning your head towards him. “Talk to me.”

You close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Can you trust him?

You open your eyes and stare at his. In the darkness of the car you can see their vivid shine, that same shine that dragged you towards him in the first place.

You open your mouth to speak, to tell him the truth… But somehow, you stop yourself.

Who is the man who is sitting in that car with you? You don’t know him. He is Jung Hoseok and he is a racer of the Blue Eagles. Apart from racing, he deals with drugs and does other jobs for his gang. But, has he ever killed somebody? Has he ever had his heart broken? Does he have a family? Dreams? Plans for the future? Does he like coffee in the mornings or is he a tea person? Does he like rainy days or sunny days? Does he prefer the right side or the left side of the bed?

You only know his name and his preferences in sex, that he likes Tinashe and that he enjoys dancing, but further than that, you don’t know him. Can you put your sister’s life in the hands of a stranger just because you’re in love with him? For God’s sake, you’ve only known him for four months.

As you stare into his eyes, you realise you don’t really know who Hoseok is, all the conversations you have had have been light-weighed and banal, you’ve only slept in the same bed once and all you have are some passionate nights and funny moments to remember.

“I’m just stressed for my final exams,” you end up saying, the lump in your throat getting tighter and making you feel as if you are being strangled.

“Oh shit, they were this week,” he growls. “I completely forgot, sorry for not asking you about them.”

“Don’t worry.”

“Did they go well?”

“I don’t know,” you honestly say. “I was a bit distracted and I didn’t study during the weekend.”

“Oh, c’mon, you’re a nerd,” he jokes, trying to lighten the mood. “I’m sure you had studied everything the month before the exams.”

You smile lightly. How is it that he even makes you smile when you’re feeling like a shit?

“Shut up, I like to take a last review.”

“Sure,” he teases you.

You punch him in the arm playfully and he smiles.

“There’s something else going on in that mind of yours, I can see it.”

Ugh, you hate how he always reads you like an open book.

“You can read minds now?” you joke, trying to change the topic.

“I’ve always been able to, it’s just a secret I wanted to keep,” he says. “But don’t try to distract me, tell me what’s wrong.”

You roll your eyes, but let him grab you from your waist and pull you towards him until you’re sitting on his lap. Slowly, he pushes his seat backwards so you have more space.

You bring a hand to his cheek and caress his soft skin.

“I’ve been wondering… I barely know you,” you whisper softly. “You always read me so well, but when it comes to you… You hide behind that funny-and-cool-guy façade and I can’t see beyond it.”

Hoseok sighs and turns serious. Then, he leans backwards so his back is pressed to the back of his seat.

“What do you wanna know?” he asks after a few seconds.

“I don’t know,” you blurt out. “Everything? A lot of things?”

He smiles softly and lets his hands roam your back, calming you.

“Start with something easy please.”

“Who are you, Hoseok?”

“Oh wow, I asked you to start with something easy,” he jokes before turning serious once again. “What do you mean by that?”

You sigh and get more comfortable on his lap.

“I mean, I barely know you. You have all this faces I’ve seen, but I don’t know which one of them is the real you,” you say as a flash of hurt crosses his features.

“I’ve always shown you the real me.”

“Yeah, but is it the funny and laid-back guy, or the cocky drug seller? Or maybe the mysterious and quiet racer? The calm boy who can sit for hours at a party doing nothing or the energetic boy who loves dancing and gets scared of fair rides?”

He tears his hands from their grip on your back and looks at you sternly.

“I’m all of them.”

You shake your head and bring a hand up to caress one of his cheeks.

“I refuse to think that the same boy who makes love to me all night long and always makes me laugh and comforts me is the same person that deal with drugs and races illegally and do all sorts of other illegal activities.”

“Well, sorry to break it to you, but I’m the same,” he says lifting his hands up in the air.

“I just want to know you better.”

“And you? What about you?” he snaps, changing the topic and directing it to you. “Is the girl that studies at a good university and barely ever attends to frat parties the same that belongs to a gang and hooks up with a criminal?”

“You’re not a criminal.”

“I deal with drugs, race illegally and do all sorts of other illegal activities,” he says, repeating your previous words. “That sounds like a criminal to me.”

You sigh. Because he’s always like this. You take one step forward and he takes two steps back.

“My father abandoned us when I was twelve. I can’t stand my mother and as soon as I reached sixteen I moved from home. Ever since then I’ve been paying my own rent, my studies, I’ve been saving money so when my sister turned sixteen she could come and live with me in another city far from our mother. That’s why I joined the Black Panthers too, because of the money and the freedom they offered me, and when the races finish, I’m planning on moving with my sister – who turned sixteen last week – to another city. One far from here. That’s it, that’s everything you need to know about me,” you say barely breathing in between sentence and sentence.

Besides Lynn, Hoseok is the only person you’ve told about your family and your personal life.

You wait for him to say something, but he just remains there contemplating you with that same blank expression. Not being able to stand the silence, you start talking once again.

“I love history and I would like to be a nice historian, maybe work as an annalist for some cool magazine or newspaper, travel the world and go to every single museum in this planet. I am rather shy and quiet, it takes a long time before I trust someone and even then, I don’t show my true self until I’m a hundred percent sure I can trust them. I am independent and I hate when someone is constantly asking me what I’m doing or how I am. I like silent places and cars. I like racing because it makes me feel the owner of my own life. I hate spicy things and love tea, oh and I always choose the left side of the bed.”

You finish with a deep breath and then look at Hoseok. You can swear you’ve never seen him looking at you with such an intensity. Reality dawns over you when you realise you just told Hoseok everything about you – in a rather summarised way – and suddenly you feel scared.

Why isn’t he saying anything? Did you go too far? He told you he liked you, and that he wanted to keep seeing you, but maybe he just wants sex and you misunderstood him.

Biting your lower lip and scolding yourself mentally, you start pulling away from Hoseok. Just as he notices you moving, he grabs your hips and forces you to stay in place.

“You’re moving to another city?” he asks.

You scoff and fight against his grip.

“That’s all you have to say after everything I told you?” you spit. “You ask me if I’m moving even after opening myself to you like that?”

With anger running fiercely through your entire body, you grab his wrists and force him to pull away from you.

“Let me go,” you growl.

“Wait, no, Y/N,” he says, fighting against you.

“Let me go Hoseok,” you say through clenched teeth. He’s stronger than you and resists your movements.

“No until you let me speak.”

“You spoke, and said the most stupid thing you could’ve said.”

“So, asking the girl I’m crazy for if she’s going to move is a stupid thing?”

You stop your movements and look at him with wide eyes.

“Are you going to answer my question?” he asks. “Are you going to move to another city?”

Looking at his eyes and nodding is painful, but you do it anyway.

“As soon as the races end?”

“Yeah, my sister will have ended school and I will have graduated. We have nothing else that ties us to this place anymore.”

“Not even the Black Panthers?”

“No.”

“Not even me?” he asks.

You take a moment to think. Of course you would love staying in here and keep seeing Hoseok, but it would lead you nowhere. Your mother would make sure to ruing yours and your sister’s lives, she was an important person in this city and she had contacts. She would make sure you wouldn’t find a job and that you wouldn’t be able to pay for a rent and your sister’s studies, so the both of you would have to return home with the tail between your legs. And you aren’t even sure the thing between you and Hoseok would have a future. Are you willing to sacrifice everything you’ve been fighting for, for a boy you met barely four months ago?

“I just don’t know any other thing that isn’t racing or being part of a gang. My father was part of one, my sister too, and then my cousin. He was the one who introduced me to the Blue Eagles when I was fourteen, and I guess this is all I’ve done ever since then,” he shrugs. “It’s simple as that. This is all I am and all I’ve ever been. I’ve always had a happy life, I love my family and my friends. This is my life and all that I’ve got and I never told you about it because, to be honest, I never thought I would feel the need to.”

He brings you closer to him and you let him do whatever he pleases with you.

“At first it started as something dangerous and thrilling, I didn’t care about you, who you were or your damn gang, but then… I don’t know what this is anymore,” he sighs, running a hand through your hair.

“You aren’t going to leave this even if I ask you to follow me and run away from this shitty city, are you?” you softly ask.

“No,” he sincerely answers.

And that’s all you need to know. He likes you, maybe he even loves you, but he loves his lifestyle even more. You don’t blame him for it. You love him, but you also have things that are more important, like your sister and your future. You don’t want to belong to a gang all your life, you don’t like this lifestyle of running and escaping and hiding.

You stare deeply into his eyes and he stares back deeply into yours.

“What the fuck are we doing then?” you scoff, laughing bitterly.

“Just living the moment,” he answers, grabbing your jaw and connecting his lips with yours.

You follow his lips and tongue, his passionate movements and lewd sounds. It’s all so raw and vivid, but it’s always been like that when it comes to you and Hoseok.

He parts his lips from yours after biting harshly on your lower lip, and he starts tracing kisses down your neck. You move yourself closer to him and grabs the back of his neck, pressing his face ever harder against you.

“We’re gonna get hurt in the end,” you mutter, biting your already sore lower lip to prevent you from moaning.

“Who cares,” he growls, his voice muffled because of your skin. “It was fucking worth it.”

He parts his lips from your skin and looks at you in the eye.

“We’re always talking about getting caught and the others finding out, about us being in danger because of this, but who fucking cares anymore,” he growls again. “I want you and you want me.”

He grips your cheeks tightly, forcing you to stay in place and look at him.

“I fucking want you so much I don’t care about them finding out about us or about us being in danger,” he says with his jaw clenched tight. “When this all ends we’ll remember it and think, ‘fuck, it was so worth it’.”

You gulp down and lean forwards to attach your lips to his once again. He’s right. This was so fucking worth it.

You start grinding on his lap as Hoseok deepens the kiss, grabbing the back of your head and pressing you against him. The radio keeps sounding in the background as the sound of ragged breaths starts filling the car.

You could never have enough of Hoseok. The feeling of his hardening member against your core as you grind on him, the friction between the material of your jeans turning you on even more. His hands grabbing every curve of yours, his slender fingers tracing every millimetre of skin. The way his lips feel against yours. His taste. His smell. His sounds.

Panting from all the kisses, you pull back and grab the hem of his t-shirt. Instead of smirking and teasing you as he usually would, he just lifts his arms and lets you take off his t-shirt. As soon as the piece of fabric is gone and thrown in the back of his car he reattaches his lips to yours fervently.

He pushes you backwards until your back hits the steering-wheel, hitting the claxon and causing a loud noise to fill the place. You don’t even acknowledge it, as you let Hoseok take off your denim jacket.

He wastes no time as he finds the hem of your t-shirt and sneaks his hands inside of them so he can caress the soft skin of your stomach.

You moan, letting your head fall backwards as Hoseok’s lips traces kisses from your lower lip to the junction in between your collarbones. His hands trail up until they find your bra.

He cups both of your breasts with his hands and squeezes them while he keeps ravishing your neck with his kisses. Another moan escapes from your lips when he pulls your bra down and you feel your breasts bouncing a he sets them free.

“Oh God,” you mumble when you feel his hands on your breasts again, caressing them, rounding the nipples in between his index finger and his thumb, squeezing them and seizing them with both his hands.

“You like this, babe?” he asks, his voice muffled as he keeps kissing your collarbones.

“Yeah,” you gasp. “Yeah, I love this.”

“Hmm… I love your tits,” he growls, giving them a particular hard squeeze as if to emphasize his words.

“H… Hoseok,” you moan.

“Fuck.”

With a sharp movement, he takes his hands from under your t-shirt and as soon as you lift your arms, he takes it off. He leaves your bra on, still pulled down a bit so he can see your breasts.

He spanks you when you start grinding on his crotch once again.

“Do you want my cock? Is that why you’re grinding on my lap like a needy slut?”

You nod, biting your lower lip and looking at him through your lashes, your eyes almost closed in the bliss state you’re in.

“Keep grinding on it babe, I want you to come in your pants for me.”

“Ah…” you breathe when he lifts his hips upwards to meet yours. “Keep going, please.”

“You like this?”

“Yeah.”

He grabs your hips and pulls you down on him with strength. You almost see the stars as you feel the damp material of your panties sticking to your core from the collision, his hard cock feeling delicious under your movements.

“Fuck baby, you’re gonna make me cum in my pants too if you keep going at it like this.”

It’s so filthy, you grinding on his cock like that inside his silver Porsche, parked in the middle of nowhere, all lights out except for the panel’s lights, about to cum in your own pants from the movements of Hoseok’s hips underneath yours and his dirty words whispered in your ear.

“I’m about to cum,” you gasp in his ear, holding tight to his neck as he presses your hips against his. “Hoseok, I’m… I’m…”

You don’t have time to finish your sentence, as a wave of pleasure fills your body from head to toe and you clench your teeth to prevent you from screaming. It’s as if all strength was taken away from you and you’re only left with some limp limbs and a fucked out state.

You keep holding onto Hoseok’s neck, feeling as if you could crumble down in any moment from the intensity of your orgasm. You hide your face in the crook of his neck and let him ride out your orgasm, still moving your hips forwards and backwards against his crotch, his cock still painfully hard.

“Fuck, are you okay?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” you laugh, moving your face from the crook of his neck and looking at him. “Yeah.”

“Good,” he simply says, reaching underneath the driver’s seat and pressing a button, pulling the seat backwards until it reaches its limit. “Now kneel in front of me.”

You do as he says, shifting uncomfortable when you feel the wetness of your panties and jeans in the crotch area. Lifting your eyes, you stare and Hoseok and mentally keep that image of him looking just as fucked out as you must look. His hair is sticking out everywhere, his eyes dark with lust, half-closed. Red cheeks, swollen lips, marks of your kisses on his neck, sweat glistening down his bare chest.

“Take my belt and my jeans off.”

You do as he says with sharp movements. His dark boxers have a wet spot just where you can make out the head of his cock.

“You know what to do next,” he smirks, and caresses your cheek before letting you go.

You look into his eyes and an idea pops in your mind. Reaching backwards, you unclasp your bra and let it fall.

“Hey, who said you could take your bra off?” Hoseok quickly reprimands you.

You smirk. “I don’t need a bra for what I’m about to do.”

You run your fingers over his clothed erection before taking his boxers off, Hoseok lifting his hips from his seat so you can slide them down his legs and throw them somewhere in the back of his car along with the rest of your clothes.

“And you’re about to…?” he impatiently says when he sees you making no move towards his cock to take it into your mouth.

You observe it for a moment, standing against his lean stomach.

Grabbing the base of it, you pump a couple of times.

“Babe…” Hoseok warns you.

You smirk internally and move yourself closer to him, both of his legs resting against your sides as your stomach makes contact with the leather material of his seat. You lean closer to him and, with your free hand, grab both of your breasts.

You drag his cock closer to your chest until the soft skin of your breasts is completely surrounding it.

“Fuck, oh fuck,” Hoseok growls as he watches you collect saliva and spit it on the tip of his cock.

You use both of your hands to grab your breasts and keep Hoseok’s cock in between them. You look at him and his fucked out expression and then, you start moving up and down.

“Oh my… I won’t last long like this… Fuck.”

“Well, you better not cum if you want to fuck me afterwards,” you smirk. You usually let him take the lead and you barely speak if not to say thanks or how you’re feeling, but right now, kneeling in front of him, his warm cock in between your breasts as you move them up and down, encourages you to tease him a little bit.

Hoseok glares at you and goes to say something that turns into a growl when you spit on your chest once more, the saliva dripping down your skin and finding the tip of his cock as it appears in between your breasts.

“You’re driving me crazy,” he says, bringing his hands to his hair and pulling from it as he rests his head on the headrest, closing his eyes and trying to focus on not coming so soon. “I can’t stop picturing my cock disappearing in between your pretty tits.”

You smirk and fasten your pace, hearing a loud moan from Hoseok and a wide range of curses.

“Stop, stop,” he says in a rush, coming back down to reality and grabbing your shoulders to stop your movements.

He then grabs your arms and forces you up until your straddling his lap once more. Sticking out his tongue, he places it in between your breasts and lick the skin there clean.

“I can’t cum yet, I need to fuck that pretty cunt of yours.”

You bite your lip and take off your jeans, so only your panties are left.

“They’re fucking soaked,” he growls, helping you take them off.

When the black panties are on his hands, he smirks and suddenly leans forwards to open the small glove box.

“They’ll bring me luck tomorrow, when I’m racing against that fucking racer of yours. They’ll be my lucky charm from now on.”

Your brain completely ignores his words as you watch him keep your ruined panties inside his glove box and closing it afterwards.

“You don’t need any lucky charm,” you scoff. “You’re the Ghost Eagle, the invincible racer.”

“Yeah, but when I beat that son of a bitch’s ass and cross the finish lane I will think about them and how they’re soaked in your juices. Of how hard you came from grinding on me,” he says, placing open-mouthed kisses all over your neck. “Of how good your moans sounded.”

“Ah, yeah?”

“Yeah. And I’ll think about how pretty your face was too.”

“It’s funny hearing this from you, then man with no weakness crumbling down at the thought of some panties in his glove box.”

“One, they’re not just some panties. And two, the man with no weakness does have a weakness.”

“Yeah?” you ask, somehow a small, bright light, switching inside your brain.

“Yeah. You wanna know what it is?”

You nod, biting your lower lip.

“You,” he says, he’s expression turning serious.

Your eyes widen briefly, but you force yourself to hide your commotion and just smirk.

“Me?”

“Yeah, you’re my fucking weakness,” he sighs. His hands start roaming down your naked body, grabbing your hips and lifting them so they’re just hovering above his erection. “You got me crazy.”

He grabs the base of his cock and pumps it a couple of times before sinking your body down on it.

You growl as he doesn’t even warn you and before you can adjust to his size, he starts moving.

“Completely crazy,” he growls again and again, pressing your body to his. “I’d do anything… Ah… I’d do anything for you.”

“If you’d do anything for me, then get out of this shitty city with me.”

He stops for a moment.

“You know I can’t,” he sighs.

“Then it’s not true that you’d do anything for me.”

With a harsh snap of his hips against yours, words disappear completely from your mind and you’re left speechless. You hold onto his neck and hide your face in the crook of his neck as Hoseok starts fucking you wildly.

“Don’t ask that from me,” he pants. “I already told you it’s my life, I can’t just simply disappear.”

You close your eyes, letting the feeling of Hoseok inside you fill your senses completely. You can’t just tell him you’re that son of a bitch whom he is willing to beat their ass. You can’t just ask him to let you win the races. You can’t just ask him to betray his family, the Blue Eagles, for you. He just told you, between them and you he would always choose them. And in a way, you understand him. They’re everything he has, they’re his family, friends and companions.

“Then promise me you will never forget about me,” you whisper.

Hoseok grabs your hair in a ponytail and pulls from it, making you lift your head from the crook of his neck and look at him.

“I promise you baby,” he says, trying to calm his breath.

“Whatever happens, promise me you will still remember me even after this all ends.”

“I could never forget about you.”

He leans forwards, willing to reattach his lips with yours. But you lean backwards a bit, avoiding his lips.

“Whatever happens?” you ask once again.

“Whatever happens.”

You throw yourself at Hoseok and push his shoulders so his back is completely resting on the back of the driver’s seat. You attack his lips with yours in a rush of passionate kisses, swollen lips and wet tongues.

Pulling from the hair at the nape of his neck, you begin moving up and down his length once again. Hoseok lets you move freely, enjoying the feeling of you taking control.

“Touch me, Hobi,” you pant in his ear. “Touch me.”

Hoseok bring his hands to your breasts and starts caressing them. Then, he pushes your back, forcing you to lean closer to him. From that position, with your breasts just aligned with his face, he starts peppering kisses all over them, sucking and licking.

“Ah…” you moan.

You can feel him twitching, and throbbing inside of you with each breath you let out, with each moan and call of his name, and involuntarily you start clenching around him.

“Fuck babe,” he growls, his voice muffled as his lips are still attached to one of your breasts. “Keep doing that.”

He brings one of his hands to your ass and places a hard slap there, his fingers massaging the area afterwards. He spanks it a few times before redirecting his hand towards your core.

You shiver when you feel his finger over your clit, moving at the same pace of your thrusts.

“How could I ever forget this?” he moans.

The feeling of it all is so overwhelming, you’re soon orgasming on top of Hoseok, pulling away and letting his still hard cock fall on top of his left thigh.

Your eyes are completely closed, and your lips parted in bliss, but you hear the lewd sounds of Hoseok licking his fingers clean and then bringing them down to your clit once again to ride out your orgasm.

“Fuck…” you mumble.

“Are you okay, baby?”

You swallow and move away from his fingers once you start feeling overwhelmed by them. Slowly opening your eyes, you find Hoseok looking intently at you.

Nodding, you smile softly.

“Look at the mess you made,” he laughs looking at his thighs and the leather material of his seat. “I’ll have to clean this up before tomorrow’s race.”

You roll your eyes and peck his lips once before kneeling down in between his legs once again.

“Knowing how freaky and kinky you are, you’ll probably leave it there along with my panties.”

Hoseok laughs softly. “I’d love that, but I’d probably be hard half of the race.”

You smirk, grabbing his cock and pumping it slowly. It’s covered in your own juices, so your hand slides up and down easily.

“And you wouldn’t concentrate.”

“Probably not,” he says. “I would be thinking how good I fucked you and how good I would fuck you after the race.”

“Ah, yeah? You would fuck me?” you tease.

He opens his mouth to answer, but you take his length and close your lips around its tip, a gasp escaping from Hoseok’s mouth along with a soft ‘fuck’.

“Yeah,” he pants as you suck him just the way he likes.

Slowly, teasingly, with your tongue tracing the vein that runs across the side of his cock and then stopping at the head of it, paying special attention to the tip of it. Your hand taking care of the part your mouth cannot.

“Move your hand from my cock,” he orders, and you do as he say.

He then grabs your hair into a ponytail with one of his hands and starts moving your head up and down. He repeats the same movement a few times before pushing his cock all the way into your mouth and keeping you there.

“You’re so good to me, how could I ever forget you?”

You close your eyes, ignoring the sting in the back of your throat. The burning sensation mixed with Hoseok’s cries is your own private heaven.

When you feel like you can’t breathe anymore you pat his thigh with your thumb a few times, and he releases the pressure on your head.

You cough a few times once his cock slips from your mouth.

“And what about you?” he asks, starting to pump his length with a fast pace. “Will you forget about me?”

You shake your head no and open your mouth.

“I want to hear you.”

“No, Hobi,” you say.

You know he loves it when you call him Hobi. He tries to act as if he didn’t, but you can see the way his eyes light up each time the nickname leaves your lips.

“That’s it,” he smirks, his eyes focused on how your lips are parted and your tongue stuck out for him. “Now I’m gonna cum in your mouth. Do you want it?”

You nod your head and look at him impatiently. You can see form the corner of your eye his hand starting to move faster and faster, and when some droplets of sweat start falling down his chest you know he’s about to cum.

He’s panting desperately, and just when the first spurs of cum leave the tip of his cock, he averts his eyes to yours and brings one hand to caress your cheeks as you eagerly receive all of him.

He pumps his cock a few more times, milking it completely until he starts coming down from his orgasm.

You close your mouth and swallow it all, opening it afterwards to show it to him.

“That’s it, good girl,” he mumbles, wiping away with his thumb some of his cum that was slipping from the corner of your mouth. “You’re so good to me.”

He grabs you by the waist and places you on his lap. Immediately, he attaches his lips to yours and kisses you passionately.

You don’t think about the next day, or how you’re going to win the race and beat him. You don’t think about the crucial piece of information you just got. You don’t think about the betrayal and the lies. You don’t think about how much you’re going to miss him once this all ends. You just let him kiss your thoughts away in the darkness of his car, in the silence of the night with the city that brought you together and that also tore you apart at your feet.

. . .

Friday comes with the memories of last night in Hoseok’s car. With the memories of his hands all over your body and his kisses all over your skin, his words whispered in your ear and his promises of never forgetting you.

Friday comes with the realisation of everything you’re about to do, of everything you’re about to put an end to.

You say goodbye to all your teachers and classmates. You have passed all your exams, you’re officially done with university.

You clean your apartment and start getting everything you will need into boxes.

You take a shower and dress yourself before going out and picking the bus that will bring you to the industrial area.

As soon as you arrive at the Black Panther’s garage you can sense the thick atmosphere. Everyone is doing their own tasks, minding their own business in silence. You tense immediately. ¿Has Mark told anyone? ¿Do they know? ¿Is Jackson going to punish you and ban you from the two remaining races?

“Y/N!” you hear your voice being called.

You leave your things in your car and then slam the door shut. Fuck. This is it. You’re out and this is all gone. You’ll have to find another way to earn the money and get the fuck out of this city. Or maybe you won’t be able to leave the city at all.

You see Jackson in front of his office, arms crossed over his chest as he stares at you sternly.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure,” you nod, trying to hide the fear that’s paralyzing you right now.

Maybe being forced to stay in this city is one of the best endings. If Jackson knows, then you have no idea of what he’s capable of doing to you. Or maybe it’s best if Jackson knows, because then you’ll future will be in his hands and not in Mark’s.

Before he closes the door of his office you catch a glimpse of Mark staring at the both of you. You try to hold his gaze as Jackson finally closes the door.

“Is everything okay?” you ask, trying to act calm.

Jackson sighs before taking a seat on his chair. The office looks more like a recording studio than the office of a garage, but that makes you feel a little bit more relaxed somehow. You have spent entire afternoons with the rest of the gang members laughing and just chilling. It makes you sad to think that there won’t be afternoons like that anymore.

“Yeah…” Jackson sighs after a small pause. “Yeah.”

You look at him cautiously, your hands trembling at your sides. To prevent you from trembling even more and falling limply onto the floor, you take a seat on the leather sofa next to the wall.

Jackson looks at you and smiles softly at you.

He doesn’t know.

You sigh feeling relieved that you still have time left, but you can’t ignore the pang of guilt you also feel.

“Are you sure? You look worried,” you say. “And the rest of the boys too, well, except Lynn because I spoke to her and she could only think about what she would wear tonight.”

“It doesn’t surprise me,” Jackson laughs.

You smile at him and, when he tears his eyes away from yours, you push the subject a bit.

“Well?”

“I’m just nervous,” he says. “Like, really fucking nervous.”

He’s looking straight at his intertwined hands, bouncing his leg up and down constantly. You’ve never seen him like this, without his tough-leader façade.

“Why? Because of the race?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “I didn’t know how to tell you because I didn’t want to pressure you but… I’m nervous as fuck for tonight’s race.”

You blink a couple of times. Pressure… As if Mark’s words weren’t already enough.

“I am, too,” you sigh, opting for being sincere.

“If we don’t win tonight… Then the championship is gone for us. You are our only chance, it’s the closest we’ve been to winning in years.”

“Oh, you’re not pressuring me at all,” you joke.

Jackson laughs softly, but stops when he sees you’re not laughing at all.

“Sorry, I’m sounding like such and egoistic asshole, just worrying about winning the race and all that… But this means more to me than just some victory, a trophy and a bag full of money.”

“It means power,” you nod, understanding.

“No, it’s not that either,” Jackson says shaking his head.

You frown. “What is it, then?”

He hesitates and sighs loudly. “It’s difficult to explain, but I guess it’s time I do.”

You nod encouragingly.

“I need to do this for my sister,” Jackson sighs, as if he just lifted a weight off. “I need to avenge her, I need to make Namjoon pay for what he did to her.”

“Namjoon?” you ask, frowning.

“You know there’s bad blood between me and him,” Jackson explains.

“Yeah.”

“Well, it has not always been like that. We were once close friends… Fuck no, we were brothers.”

He stops for a minute, and you can see it in his eyes, in the way they’re distantly staring at the wall, that he’s remembering those times.

“We grew up together in the same neighbourhood, next door. We drove our mums crazy together, got arrested for the first time together, got into this world together, dream about our futures together, about being the kings of the city… I thought it would always be us against the world, the big RM and Wang,” Jackson stops for a moment again. “Fuck, those were the best years of my life.”

“What happened?” you cautiously ask.

“I gave Namjoon everything I had except one thing, my little sister. When we were kids the three of us always played together and got into trouble together, but I was a kid and thought nothing of their smiles and touches. It was when he turned fifteen when I started noticing the lingering looks and warm smiles… I made him promise me that he would never approach my sister, she was my sister, his best friend’s sister, nothing else. And the bastard looked me in the eye and promised me.”

You can see the hurt in his eyes. Where is his sister now? Is she with Namjoon? Did she choose Namjoon and not her brother?

“Like a fucking fool I believed him. I thought nothing when he started telling me that he couldn’t meet that night, or that he had other things to do. I thought nothing when my sister told me she wouldn’t come home for the night, that she would stay at her friend’s. Behind my back he was fucking her… For nearly five years… But I found out. I was supposed to be at the garage, working my ass off so we could finally open that recording studio we had always dreamt about, but they gave me the day off and returned home early, only to find him in my sister’s bedroom with her in his arms.”

Jackson clenches his jaw and his hands become tight fists.

“I punched him, again and again and I swear to God I would have killed him had it not been for my sister that got in between us. Sometimes I dream about that night and I dream about killing him. I wish I had killed him.”

You flinch when he slams his fist on the wooden table and screams.

“In the end she chose him, and he chose her. She went to live with him to some shitty apartment, with a shitty income in a shitty neighbourhood even worst than the one we grew up in. She deserved better… Fuck Y/N, she was so beautiful, in every way. She was like a fucking star, illuminating wherever she went. Everyone loved her, with her smiles and laughs, and she didn’t even realise. She could have had everything and she… She chose him, a no one that had nothing to offer, with nowhere to honk out.”

What could Hoseok offer to you if you stayed here? Or what could he offer to you if he went away with you? If you choose to trust your heart and not your mind and you choose not to betray him tonight, what could he offer to you? And what could he offer to your sister? To her future? If you stay here you won’t find a job at what you want, your mother will make sure of that, and your sister will have the same fate you had. An eternal search of something you’ll never find. What else does he have besides this life full of danger and violence?

“The last time I saw her was at a race,” Jackson continues, snapping you out of your own thoughts. “Namjoon and I used to be part of a gang, with some others like Jinyoung, Jaebum, Yoongi or Jin. When I found out about my sister and him, the group divided and the boys took sides. That night we were racing as rivals for the first time. I still remember it as if it happened yesterday. I remember getting out of my car and seeing them, she was sitting on the bonnet of Namjoon’s car, him in between her legs with his hands on her cheeks. They were laughing, kissing each other in between jokes. I remember thinking that I had never seen my sister looking so happy. I remember thinking that maybe I should let my pride aside and let them be. I remember Namjoon nudging her side when he saw me looking at them, and her turning around to face me.”

The last time… He hasn’t spoken to her ever since then? Or even seen her?

“They exchanged some words before she decided to hop off the bonnet of the car and hesitantly walk towards me. I remember Namjoon looking at me with a threatening look, as if I would ever hurt my sister… Again. I remember my pride taking the best of me, she was my little sister, my baby, my everything, but seeing her walk towards me like that with Namjoon looking out for her made me realise she was now a grown up woman who didn’t need me anymore, who had someone else to take care of her now. I remember feeling hurt, and angry, and sad, sad above all. So, I turned around and rejected her. I got inside my car and waited for the race to start.”

Your heart clenches at the sadness behind Jackson’s words.

“It was a partner race, they’re forbidden now, but they were huge. In it, your partner had to sit in your lap while you drove, facing you. It was exciting, not gonna lie, even more if you liked the girl, but it was dangerous too. You vision field was reduced, and you couldn’t move as freely as usual so you couldn’t react quickly to any unforeseen thing…” another pause. This time longer than the rest, and you can almost swear he’s on the verge of tears. “It all happened so quickly. My sister got in the car with Namjoon. My partner was a girl I don’t even remember anymore. She sat on my lap and I remember kissing her, telling her that I couldn’t wait for the race to be over so I could… Out of the corner of my eye I could see my sister on Namjoon’s lap, kissing him, reassuring him. Then the race started… And the next thing I remember was seeing Namjoon’s car crashed into a concrete wall and stopping my fucking car, kicking out that girl and running towards the car… Or what was left of it. My sister’s body absorbed the force of the impact, protecting Namjoon from the damage.”

You gulp and clasp a hand over your mouth to prevent you from sobbing. You can feel your eyes burning with tears and you jump put of your seat to place a comforting hand on Jackson’s back.

“Jackson… I’m so sorry… I didn’t know.”

“I know,” Jackson says after a while, straightening up and causing your hand to fall from its place. He rubs his eyes and then looks at you. “No one told you and after all the commotion the accident caused, the prohibition of partner races, I’ve tried to make people forget about it by keeping silent.”

“I’m really sorry, I have a younger sister and if something ever happened to her…” you stop when images of your sister come to your mind.

Maybe this will all hurt, and it will keep hurting in the future, but you must do what’s best for your sister. Now, you’re surer than ever.

Without thinking twice, you hug Jackson and caress his back comfortingly.

You both stay like that, hugging each other and sharing your pain.

“I’m so, so sorry,” you mumble, breaking the hug.

“Now you know why this is more than some races to me, more than a championship and money. I have to live knowing that the son of a bitch who killed my little sister is still out there, living his life to the fullest, going to parties and breathing the air my sister is no longer able to breathe,” Jackson says, clenched teeth as he spits venom and hatred with each word. “At first I thought about killing him, take everything away from him as he did to me. But that would be like a gift to him. I want him to live knowing that he killed her, I want him to remember her every single fucking day of his life. I will take everything away from him, yes, but I’ll be slow and painful.”

“You want to take the place of his gang as the leaders of the races, and therefore, the leaders of this city.”

“Our clients, the ones we sell… Our goods to, are important ones. They have high positions in the elite of this city, they’re powerful and they want their suppliers to be equally as powerful. Winning the races means you’re the king of the streets, the most powerful. If I take that away from him, I’ll take all his clients, all his money, all his power… He will be that poor boy who was a no one again.”

“If I win tonight’s race, I’ll still be able to win the championship. If I lose, J Hope will have too many points for me to catch him.”

“Exactly,” Jackson sighs. “I don’t wanna pressure you into anything, I just want to tell you that this is a team work and we’ll all be supporting you. I believe in you, I know you can do it.”

You look at the ground, your mind racing faster than you’ll car will race tonight.

“You have potential,” Jackson continues. “We all believe in you.”

You already made a decision. Why is it so hard for you to nod and tell Jackson that you’ll do it, that you won’t fail him or the Blue Eagles?

“I’ll do it for our sisters,” you nod decisively.

. . .

Your hands are sweating inside your gloves, and your heart his beating wildly inside your chest. You feel like you’re gonna throw up at any minute.

You got into this because you wanted to feel free, feel as if – for once in your life – you held the reins of your life, of your decisions and the consequences. But now you are where this all started, inside your black Mitsubishi, feeling the weight of all that was going to happen that night over your shoulders, suffocating you.

You look at the girl who is standing in front of the cars, the megaphone in her hands as she shouts something you don’t give a fuck about. You guess it’s the same thing she always says.

You avoid looking at your left, where the silver Porsche is parked, the man you love and you’re about to betray inside.

You wonder if he’s thinking about you, if he’s imagining everything he would do to you after the race, and you close your eyes, because you want to imagine that too.

You want to picture yourself at the party an hour after the race, sitting in your booth with your drink in your hand, pretending you’re bored and that you don’t notice the stares Hoseok’s sending your way, making him impatient and angry. You imagine yourself texting him, smirking as you write each word carefully, teasing him because she’s watching you and he knows you’re texting him. You imagine yourself telling goodbye to Lynn and the rest and sneaking out of the party. You imagine yourself waiting for Hoseok outside as you gaze at the stars. You imagine his hands roaming all over you in the car, on your way to your apartment. You imagine the feeling of his lips as he kisses you and pushes you against the wall of the elevator. You imagine his delicious caresses and how impatient he is while you open the door to your small apartment. You imagine…

You open your eyes and come back to reality.

Imagining is not going to get you out of this. It isn’t going to help you.

But you can’t help it. You keep imagining, thinking about the what ifs. All the after parties you will never sneak out of. Of all the kisses and caresses and impatient spanks as you open the door to your apartment that you will never have.

Your body is on autopilot and you don’t even know the race has started and that you’re driving now, pressing the gas pedal with force.

Hoseok is ahead of you, as usual since his car is lighter and accelerates faster.

Looking through the rear mirror of your car, you can see Jungkook’s and Jinyoung’s cars starting to disappear into the distance, just Hoseok and you at the front of the race. When did the race start? For how long have you been driving on autopilot?

You position your car directly behind Hoseok’s, picking up his speed.

You can see him looking at you through the rear mirror of his own car. You would be smirking by now, but your lips are forming a straight line and a frown has appeared in between your brows.

Slowly, your car starts coming closer and closer to Hoseok’s, but as he sees what you’re doing, he press the brakes softly and the rectangular red light on the back of his car lights on, making you step on the brakes too.

You click your tongue and try to approach him in a different way,

There’s a curve not far from where you’re now, you’ll wait until then,

Yeah, you’re my fucking weakness.

You got me crazy.

You shift gears, reducing so the engine of your car contains its own strength.

We still don’t know J Hope’s weakness.

The man with no weakness does have a weakness.

Yeah?

Yeah. You wanna know what is it?

You.

You start seeing the curve. Hoseok must be happy because he has escaped a bit from you.

You wait, the curve is getting closer. You have to do it now.

Taking advantage of the straight path ahead of you, you let go of the steering wheel and quickly grab the pitch-black helmet with both hands.

They’re trembling as you unclasp the security bar of the helmet. They’re sweating as you pull from the helmet, taking it off and placing it on the passenger seat.

It feels different, driving without your helmet on. You feel naked, exposed.

Quickly, you grab the steering wheel just in time, and just as quickly you step on the gas pedal until the sound of the engine is so loud you can’t stand it anymore.

When you look upwards, your car has caught Hoseok’s and you’re both side by side. While your car was slowing down because you were saving your engine’s power, Hoseok had maintained it and it lost strength.

The curve arrives and you grab tightly the steering wheel. This is it.

You shift gears and let your car relax a bit as you take the curve, the power of the engine still accelerating your car’s speed.

Taking a deep breath, you roll down the tinted window of your car and close your eyes. This is it.

You’re my fucking weakness.

You open your eyes and turn your head a bit, looking at the silver Porsche. Hoseok is focused on taking the curve, his cheeks getting fuller like every time he’s concentrated on something.

He feels a pair of eyes and he looks to the side, to the fucking asshole who is threatening to take the victory away from him.

Instead of seeing some tinted window and some black helmet, he sees…

He sees you.

It’s brief, but you can see it, the astonished look on his face. The fucking confusion in those dark eyes of his.

You turn your face around quickly, focusing your eyes on the road once again. You must return your attention to the race, and that’s why you must look away from Hoseok, not just because you can’t stand seeing the betrayal on his face.

Pressing your foot on the gas pedal you take the curve from the inside, your car easily passing the silver Porsche. You roll the window up once again when the curve ends, and you continue pressing on the gas pedal as if your life depended on it. You don’t want to look to your side, in case you find him still looking at you.

Finally, you give in and out of pure curiosity you look at the rearview.

Nothing.

You then look at the side mirror. In the distance, you see two dots of light. Is it Hoseok? Is he okay?

You shake your head, forcing yourself to continue. This what you wanted, now you can’t back away.

Time flies as you continue pressing on the gas pedal and keeping the steering wheel straight. You unconsciously look to the side mirror every now and then, hoping to see two lights, or some silver reflect. But you don’t, instead all you see is the empty road behind you and the streetlights at both sides.

Your eyes find the finish line after a couple of seconds.

There, a mass of people dressed in black, vibrant blue, red and all sorts of colours are waiting for you.

As you cross the finish line, you let out all the air you didn’t even know you had been holding. You hear screams and cheers coming from the outside of your car, but you stay inside, silent and unmoving.

Your hands still gripping the steering wheel, the engine still on. The lights of the panel of your car remind you of the night before. Of how tight Hoseok was holding you against him.

The screams become more vivid and invade the inside of your car when the driver’s door opens and someone barges in to hug you.

“You did it!” you hear the voice of Jackson against your ear as he hugs you tightly.

“Yeah,” you mumble, a fake laugh escaping your lips.

You try to smile and look happy when he break the hug and looks at you.

“Thank you, Y/N,” he sincerely says.

You nod with your head before unbuckling your belt and turning the engine off, keeping the car keys on the back of your jeans.

Just then, another car crosses the finish line. It’s Jungkook, followed closely by Jinyoung. But no sign of the silver Porsche.

Your eyes keep scanning the finish line as car after car crosses it. Hoseok is still nowhere to be seen.

Meanwhile, your gang mates hug you, kiss you, pick you up and turn you around. Lynn jumps excitedly as she hugs you. She screams your name and Jackson follows her, and soon others are screaming your name too.

You catch a glance of Mark blending in with the rest of the Black Panthers. He’s celebrating, just like the rest, but when his eyes meet yours, he turns serious and just nods.

Your attention turns back to the finish line when you hear the loud roar of a engine.

The silver Porsche appears and the crowd parts to give him space to park. But, instead of parking, it flashes its headlights at the crowd.

The Black Panthers are still celebrating, but you’re too focused on the silver car and its driver to care.

The crowd takes some steps back once again and then, the silver Porsche accelerates and disappears in the distance.

For a minute, the crowd stays silent, but then, your name is shouted once again and they keep celebrating.

They don’t notice how your eyes still linger on the place where the silver car disappeared. They don’t notice the frown on your face or the longing in your eyes. They don’t notice how you’re desperately trying to get rid of their hands touching you to lift you up, or their arms surrounding you in a hug. They don’t notice how your heart is breaking right in front of them. They don’t notice how you bite your lower lip to not scream in agony.

You must face the consequences of your act, and they don’t notice any of that because you hide it all behind a cold façade – your old-time friend.

Hoseok could have been a big ‘now or never’ shouted in the air at the top of your lungs. He could have been a lot of things, but he’s not any of them anymore. And, ever since he can’t be a ‘now’, maybe he will be a ‘never’.

. . .

After the race, you don’t feel in the mood for partying, but you know that if you go to your apartment you won’t be able to do anything but think, and that’s the last thing you need right now.

Instead of acting like a mature persona and facing the consequences of your acts and the choices you made, you choose to drink in hopes of forgetting about everything even if it’s just for tonight.

And drink you do. Glass after glass.

Nobody finds it weird that you’re drinking as if there was no tomorrow, too focused on drinking all the alcohol in the room themselves.

Shot after shot your throat burns and shot after shot your mind stops thinking about him.

The Black Panthers are celebrating. You’re at the top of the chart, ten points ahead of the unbeatable J Hope. Even if you finished the final race in second place, you would win.

Jackson is already drunk, mumbling uncoherent things to a girl that is attached to his neck. Jaebum, Yugyeom, Youngjae and Bambam are dancing on the dancefloor. Mark is nowhere to be seen. And, unsurprisingly to you even in your drunken state, Lynn and Jinyoung are making out on a couch.

Then, there is you, sitting on an armchair by your own, drinking and laughing on your own. You’re starting to see double.

Trying to focus your gaze properly and get rid of the blurry lines, you stare at the booth in which the Blue Eagles are.

The atmosphere in it has nothing to do with the usually cheerful and celebratory one. Namjoon is sitting, his gaze lost inside his glass of liquor – and you wonder if he’s thinking about her, if he ever thinks about her anymore. Taehyung is talking to some girls, but he doesn’t look as playful and in the mood as he usually is. Jungkook and Jimin are talking, a conversation that seems to serious for a party. Yoongi is on his phone as he usually is, and Jin is laughing with some girls, though you can’t see his smiles reaching his eyes.

Your eyes search across the booth again, in search of Hoseok, but he isn’t there.

You wonder where he is. If he’s home, or if he’s on that mountain he brought you to just yesterday. You wonder if he’s thinking about you, if he hates you, if he’s mad at you… He probably does, and he probably is.

Sighing, you fill you cup once again and gulp it down in one go.

If you could just force your mind to stop thinking about certain things, you would be carrying on, knowing you did the right thing… At least for your sister.

It isn’t until fifteen minutes later, that your feet drag you to the bar of the old industrial unit. You touch the sticky counter with your fingers, not caring about the strange looks the people are throwing at you. Some congratulate you – now everyone knows you’re the mysterious new racer of the Black Panthers – some others just look at you, and others send you a look of disgust.

This is were you were drinking your thoughts again – you have a weird habit of doing that – after he beat you in the second race of the season. You still remember his words and his voice.

You look pissed, None-Of-Your-Business.

And you were.

You close your eyes, wishing he would appear from behind you and tease you like he used to do. You would pretend you hated it once again and act all rude and closed-off, when you were really willing to answer him with a smile and shiny eyes.

When you open your eyes, a figure exiting the door of the male’s bathroom catches your attention, the vibrant blue bomber shining like lighthouse for you.

You follow the figure with your eyes until it exists the industrial unit.

You immediately take your hands off of the sticky counter of the bar and run towards the door where the shadow disappeared.

Was it…? No, it couldn’t be.

But you wanted to find it out for yourself.

Outside, you welcomed the fresh air with open arms. It was like the sound of an alarm clock to your drunken system.

You had to blink a couple of times to recognise where you were, before stumbling towards the back of the industrial unit.

Once you arrive, you see the place deserted, and you feel a pang of disappointment in your chest. The sky is clear tonight, and the moon lights the place, bathing with its milky light.

You squint your eyes through the place, and just when you’re about to give up and go back to the party, you find a slumped figure on top of one of the metallic containers.

Back pressed against the back of the industrial unit, legs pressed against his chest, head leant backwards, there he is. Hoseok is contemplating the sky just like you had been contemplating it the night you two ran away from the city, even if it was just for a weekend, even if it was just because you had to escape from the police.

You stay there, paralyzed, thinking about just running away and acting as if you didn´t see him. But that would just be another act of immaturity to add to the thousand you committed tonight. So, instead of chickening out like you want to do, you take a deep breath of air and try to act as if you weren’t drunk.

“Hoseok,” you call.

The boy immediately snaps his eyes at you. It takes him a couple of seconds to recognise you, but once he does, he hops off the metallic container and starts walking towards you.

Or so you think, because once he reaches you, he just continues walking by, not even sparing you a glance.

“Hoseok!” you call once again, running after him and grabbing his arm once you reach him.

He shakes your hand off of him and ignores you.

“Hoseok, please! I just wanna talk to you!”

“So you can keep lying to me? No, thanks,” he says, not even once stopping to look at you.

Maybe it is because you’re drunk, because otherwise you would never cause a scene in front of everyone, but you run towards him until you stop right in front of him.

“Hoseok!”

Quickly, he avoids you and keeps walking towards the entrance of the industrial unit.

You don’t give up and follow him.

“What do I need to do for you to talk to me?”

“Disappear,” he spits.

“No, please, listen to me,” you insist, once again running until your in front of him, your hands on his chest to stop him from further walking. “I need to explain it to you.”

“Back off.”

You flinch at the venom laced in his voice, but still, you don’t give up, not even when he grabs your wrists with his hands and tries to push them away from him.

“Back. Off,” he repeats through clenched teeth.

“No.”

“I said back off!” he shouts, grabbing your wrists harder and pushing you away from him with strength.

“And I said listen to me!” you raise your voice so it tops Hoseok’s, catching the attention of some people who got out of the industrial unit to get some fresh air.

Hoseok stops for a moment and he analyses you, eyeing you up and down.

“Are you drunk?” he whispers, scrunching his nose as if he was disgusted by you.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t matter right now.”

“That doesn’t matter?!” he asks, raising his voice once again. “Of course if fucking matters. I won’t have this conversation with you, much less if you’re drunk.”

“I’m good now,” you say, taking a step back and waving your hands in the air as if showing him you are completely capable of maintaining a conversation. “See?”

“Well, maybe you want to talk, then,” he says, completely ignoring you and your stupid movements. “But I don’t.”

And with that, he turns around once again and starts walking away from you. Once again. He has walked away from you too many times, and they were all your fault. You’re not letting him go this time.

“I am in love with you!” you shout, making Hoseok stop dead in his tracks.

You are gasping for air as if you had just been running a marathon.

When you see Hoseok doesn’t make a move, you stay there, shyly repeating those same six words.

“I am in love with you,” you whisper, so lowly you’re sure he hasn’t heard you.

You observe his back as it tenses and relaxes, his fists as they clench and unclench, and you wait, for him to turn around and tell you he loves you back, or to continue walking as if you never said anything in the first place.

But he turns around and takes some steps towards you.

“You’re just saying that because you’re drunk,” he scowls angrily.

And despite his steady voice and firm words, you can see his eyes searching for some clue in yours. A clue that tells him you’re lying. A clue that tells him you’re telling the truth.

“I am in love with you,” you repeat for the third time, now looking him in the eye.

“You’re saying that just so you can keep playing with me.”

“Does it look like I’m playing with you, Hoseok?” you ask, taking some steps towards him.

“Well, it didn’t look like you were playing with me all these past months either,” he says, lifting his arms in the air. “And look where we are now.”

“I can explain…” you plead.

“Explain what? How funny it was to laugh at me?” he asks, bitterness laced in his words.

“I never laughed at you.”

“Just tell me something… Was it all planned? To get me to sleep with you just so you could learn my strengths and my weakness and use them against me? Was it all planned when you invited me to your apartment that first night? Or the second? Or the third?”

“No,” is the only thing you can whisper.

“What?” he says, asking you to say it more clearly.

“No,” you repeat. “It was never planned.”

“Why can’t you look me in the eye as you say so, then?” he asks, and you lift your gaze, not even realising you had been staring at the ground. “You can save it. The I love you. I already caught you in your sick little game, you don’t need to play pretend anymore. Congratulations, you got what you wanted, you’ll be the best racer in the city.”

“I don’t wanna be the best racer in this fucking city, or in any other city for that matter,” you angrily say. “I invited you to my apartment because I fucking wanted to. The first time and the second one and all the other times. At first, I only saw you as a forbidden attraction and that was what made me want you I’m not gonna lie, but things started to get more and more difficult and I…”

You pause for a moment, trying to find the right words to say.

“Why would I tell you that it was wrong and that we would get caught all those times, then? Why would I tell you to stop if I only wanted to take advantage of you? How would you explain that night when I told you we should stop seeing each other?”

“Another piece of your game.”

You sigh exasperatedly. “There was never a game to begin with!”

“I saw you Y/N,” he says, approaching you dangerously until his chest is nearly touching yours. “I saw you in your car, with your helmet off… Looking at me as if you had been waiting for that moment for years. That stare… Each time I told you about that mysterious new racer of the Black Panthers and how badly I wanted to beat him… You were laughing on the inside, weren’t you? At least I hope you had fun.”

“It was never like that! If you’d just let me explain!” you say, getting frustrated.

“Couldn’t you have explained me last night?!” he says. “While you were in my car, telling me all those things… I even thought that maybe you were right, that I deserve a better life, one better than this. I even thought about leaving everything behind and starting from zero with you.”

“I thought it’d be better if I just disappeared and you never heard of this,” you say, trying to calm yourself and lower your voice to stop you both from catching everyone’s attention. In the end, all everyone around you is seeing is just a Blue Eagle arguing with a Black Panther, and not a simple Black Panther, their new racer and therefore, the Ghost Eagle’s enemy. “That way you would have never thought this way about me.”

“Well, congratulations, you got exactly that.”

You click your tongue, but as you start hearing voices coming from the industrial unit, you know you don’t have much time to explain yourself.

“I wasn’t planning on winning, or even telling you, I would just move out of the city with my sister and it’d be over, you would maybe think about me for a couple of moths but then you’d end up forgetting about me, but Mark came to my apartment last Sunday when you dropped me off and he saw us. He threatened to tell Jackson about it and hurt my sister if I didn’t win tonight’s race and the championship.” you say, rushing your words as the noise and voices start getting louder. You’ve attracted too much attention. “The only easy way of winning you was using your weakness against you, and you told me that weakness was –“

“What’s going on here?” a deep voice says from behind you, startling you.

Hoseok backs away from you as if your presence burnt him, but as he does so, his eyes never leave you. The deep frown between his brows and the way his lips form a thin line, makes your heart beat erratically.

“Please…” you mouth to him. “You have to believe me.”

“I said what’s going on here?” the voice repeats, and when you move away, you see Namjoon approaching followed by the rest of the Blue Eagles.

Their vibrant blue bomber jackets make their way through the crowd who was “discreetly” staring at you.

“N… Nothing,” you stutter, looking to the floor awkwardly.

Hoseok is still speechless, staring at you and a huge battle exploding inside his mind.

“Are you sure? Hoseok?” Namjoon asks once again, this time walking towards Hoseok.

“I can’t believe you fucking did this to me,” another voice chimes in, and this time, the shiver than runs down your spine tells you that Jackson isn’t going to ask what is going on. He already knows.

A pair of hands grabs you from the collar of your t-shirt and pushes you backwards.

You only see a pair of dark, furious eyes.

“How could you?” Jackson spits. “After all I’ve done for you, after all I told you.”

“I… I…” you stutter.

He shakes your body with force, making you stumble backwards. You don’t fall to the ground because the same hands that are pushing you are the ones that keep you in place.

“I’ve let you in my group and accepted you as a sister.”

You don’t know what to say. ‘I’m sorry’? You’re not sure you’re sorry at all.

“I’ve let you into my own fucking life,” Jackson says through gritted teeth, shaking you once again and causing you to fight against him trying to escape from his grip.

“Let go off her,” Hoseok growls, grabbing Jacksons t-shirt from its back and pushing him away from you.

“And you…” Jackson spits, turning around and quickly pushing Hoseok back. “You piece of shit.”

“Stop this! What the fuck is going on here!” Namjoon shouts, separating both Jackson and Hoseok.

“You didn’t tell him?” Jackson laughs devilishly, looking at Hoseok. “You were keeping it a secret, weren’t you? You and your girl.”

Hoseok remains silent, looking defiantly at Jackson.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Wang?”

“Why don’t you tell him Hoseok?”

“Hoseok?” Namjoon asks, staring at the dark-haired boy.

Hoseok glances briefly at you before taking a deep breath.

“Why don’t you tell him you have been both fucking each other behind our backs?” Jackson asks again once he sees Hoseok is not going to say anything.

Namjoon’s eyes widen and he immediately snaps his eyes at Hoseok, then at you.

“What? Hoseok what is Wang saying?”

Hoseok hesitates, the silence surrounds you both.

“Joon, he’s telling the truth,” Hoseok says, maintaining eye contact with Namjoon.

Namjoon sighs loudly and runs a hand across his hair.

“Fuck… Hobi…” Namjoon scoffs. “What have you done?”

“I’m sorry Joon, fuck, I know I betrayed you and broke our rules… But I couldn’t help it, I...” Hoseok says, stopping before looking at you and then averting his eyes away from you once again.

Namjoon is still running his hands across his hair, his face, not knowing what to do.

Jackson scoffs.

“Of course you’re not going to punish him,” he says bitterly. “You did the same.”

Namjoon snaps at that.

“You don’t bring that up now,” he says, pointing Jackson with his finger, threatening him.

“I can bring that up whenever I fucking want,” Jackson says.

He slowly approaches Namjoon until the latter’s finger is pressed against his chest. More people stars stopping to see what’s going on, surprised to see both leaders of the Blue Eagles and the Black Panthers interacting for the first time in years.

“You better stop before I –“ Namjoon starts.

“You also betrayed me and broke all our rules. How are you going to punish him for following in your footsteps?”

Angrily, Namjoon breaks the small space that remains between them both and grabs the front of his leather jacket.

“Stop. Now,” Namjoon grits his teeth.

Everyone around you his holding their breaths, waiting expectantly for what is going to happen next. The only sounds that surround you are the few voices of the people that are outside and that aren’t focused on you and the muffled music coming from the industrial unit.

“Was it all planned? To do the same thing to me again?” Jackson keeps spitting, teasing Namjoon, pushing him closer to his limit. “Did you use her like you used my sister? Did you send him to fuck her just so you could see me suffer again?”

Namjoon growls loudly and slams his fist on Jackson’s nose.

“No!” you shout, launching towards them to try and stop them.

You grab Jackson’s leather jacket in an attempt of pushing him away from Namjoon, but they’re like a storm clashing against the sea, unstoppable, drowning everything and everyone in their way.

They keep shouting things none of you can understand while punches fly, they push each other and keep fighting like two rabid dogs.

Jungkook and Jimin rush to grab Namjoon as you pull from Jackson’s jacket with all your strength, but despite your efforts, he doesn’t move a single inch.

Instead, you stumble backwards and nearly fall onto the ground if it weren’t for the arms of Yugyeom. He looks at you with stern eyes before rushing to help Jinyoung trying to break Jackson away from Namjoon.

“Y/N…” Lynn whispers from behind you.

You look at her and she has tears in her eyes. You can only lower your head and let the guilt fill you.

“I…” she stutters.

You only shake your head and let her hug you.

But your small moment is broken when you hear the screams of Jungkook and Jinyoung.

“Don’t touch me!”

“Get out of my way then!”

“Jinyoung!” Lynn calls him before he can punch Jungkook in the face.

But it’s too late.

And somehow, hell breaks loose and everyone is punching everyone, dragging them to the ground and shouting like crazy.

You can’t help but feel as if you’re the responsible of it all.

“Please, stop!” you say, trying to push Bambam away from Jimin.

When you see all your efforts are in vain, you let go of the boys and look at Mark, who is contemplating everything from afar.

“Are you happy now?” you ask him bitterly. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

Blind with rage, you approach him, close your hand into a fist and slam it onto his face with all the strength you have. It is so sudden, that Mark doesn’t see it coming and your fist collides against his nose completely.

It hurts more than you expected, but the pain is so satisfying, you punch him again.

Mark lets out a cry of pain and clasps his hand over his bleeding nose. You pant, massaging your sore knuckles and ready to deliver your second punch. But this time, Mark is waiting for you and he throws you onto the ground.

You fight against him, rolling onto the ground, trying to kneel him on his crotch.

But he’s bigger and stronger, and he clasps his hands around your throat, a devilish glint on his eyes as he sees you gasping for air.

You grab his wrists, trying to scratch him, to break his hold over your neck. Gasping, you watch some droplets of blood run down his chin and land onto your t-shirt.

You scream, trying to find strength with it.

“This isn’t what I wanted,” he pants. “This is what you deserve.”

You clench your teeth, your lungs starting to burn and your throat begging you to swallow, to breathe… To do anything. But you can’t.

Somehow, your grip over Mark’s wrists looses and you find yourself looking away from him and looking at your surroundings.

You feel dizzy. All around you are punches, screams, people watching… And yet, all you can do is watch, because you feel as if this is all your fault. When your father ran away from home he caused you great pain, and ever since then, you’ve been doing the same thing to everyone that surrounds you. You know you’ve caused pain to your mother, despite her harsh words towards you and her behaviour, you know he loves you. You know you’ve caused pain to your sister, leaving her on her own with your mother, promising her that it would all be over some day. You’ve caused Hoseok pain, you’ve caused Jackson pain, you’ve caused Lynn pain…

You look up to see Hoseok trying to stop Namjoon from hitting Jackson.

What did you expect after all you did to him? That he would understand and run after you? He told you, this world is everything he has, those boys who are hitting each other are everything he knows. You can’t just appear into his life and tell him to leave all that for you, and much less when you’ve been lying to him all the time.

A part of you understands, that this is how things are supposed to be. That this is how it’s supposed to end. Hoseok belongs to a world that is miles away from yours, despite being in the same city, despite racing together, despite you trying to lie to yourself and convince yourself that you’re a part of this world too. Another part of you is begging you to not understand, to not think, to just feel.

That same part is longing to have Hoseok in between your arms once again, forever. That same part is begging you to stay with him.

But the bigger part, is the part that understands, the part that can’t do to your sister the same thing your father did to you. And that part is now telling you to let go of him, you made him suffer enough, just disappear from your life, he will end up forgetting about you.

Your eyes then land on Jackson and Namjoon, who are still resisting everyone’s attempts at separating them. You remember the story Jackson told you about Namjoon, his little sister and him. As they’re punching each other, screaming at each other after years of pent up tension, you realise they’re just two broken boys still mourning the death of a girl they loved, a girl that will never come back. Regret in their every hit, in their every word, regret of what they did and what they didn’t, a regret that’s eating them up.

This world has no place for that kind of love.

This world has no place for Hoseok and you.

You don’t want to end up as Namjoon and Jackson’s sister. A sad love story that didn’t fit in this world of violence and death, something too beautiful for such a dark place.

You don’t want Hoseok to end up as Jackson and Namjoon. You better have him remembering you with bitterness than crying over something that could have been but wasn’t.

You better have him forgetting about you. That way it will hurt less when you cry over him at night, miles away from him.

But your sister needs you. You can’t let her down like your father did. You have to close this chapter, and start the next. That’s what life’s about.

Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath of air, you gather what little strength is left in you and you sink your nails into Mark’s skin until you can feel his flesh breaking underneath them. Mark gasps in pain and doubts, enough for you to take advantage of it and roll onto the ground until your hovering above him.

Landing one last punch on Mark’s jaw and crying in pain when you feel the bones of your hand hurting from the impact, you stand up.

“Stop them!” Lynn is crying. “They’re gonna kill each other!”

Namjoon is bleeding from his nose, Jackson’s lip is broken and swollen. Jackson’s hands are over Namjoon’s neck, but he’s not fighting back. He’s just staring at Jackson.

“Don’t you dare,” you growl, feeling Mark moving behind you, and you crash your boot against his ribcage, making him turn around and held the sore area.

“Please!” Lynn repeats.

And then, it is as if times stops. Jinyoung stops hitting Jungkook, Yugyeom lets go of Taehyung. Yoongi and Jin stand up from the ground panting, and Bambam, Youngjae and Jaebum do the same. Jimin sits on the floor.

“You killed her!” the voice of Jackson is heard in the silence that has somehow created itself around the scene. “You took her away from me!”

You all watch as Namjoon does nothing. He doesn’t fight back, he just stares into Jackson’s eyes, tears falling freely down his cheeks.

“You took everything away from me!” Jackson keeps saying. “And now you’re taking her too.”

“Stop this,” Lynn says, lowering her voice.

“Jackson,” Jaebum also says, walking closer to the blonde boy and placing a hand on his shoulder. “He isn’t fighting back.”

“I’ll take everything away from you back…” Jackson says through clenched teeth.

You can see Namjoon starting to gasp for air, his eyelids almost dropping.

“He’s gonna kill him,” Lynn insists.

“Jackson, this is enough,” Jaebum repeats. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

He tightens his hold on Jackson’s shoulders and finally, something clicks in him. Standing up abruptly, he lets go of Namjoon and averts his eyes from the boy gasping for air on the ground.

“What are you all staring at?!” Jackson shouts to the curious crowd. “Go back to minding your own fucking business!”

Immediately, the crowd disperses, leaving you all alone with the silence of the night and the erratic breaths of Namjoon and Jackson.

“This doesn’t end here,” Jackson keeps saying, and then, his eyes find you and you feel them piercing into you. “For you either.”

You swallow, but stay sill as you watch him disappear followed by the rest of the Black Panthers. Lynn stares at you sympathetically as Youngjae and Bambam help Mark on his feet. You shake your head, letting her know you’ll be fine.

When you watch the rest of the Black Panthers disappear, you watch a part of yourself disappearing with them, the chapter half-closed by now.

Somehow, your eyes find Hoseok’s.

They’re still as dark and sharp as the first time you saw them. His equally as dark hair is dishevelled from the fight, and there are a few purple bruises blossoming on his right cheek. The moonlight reflects on his smooth skin, his sharp nose and defined jawline. He still looks as beautiful as the first time you saw him, and you don’t think you’ll ever see someone as beautiful as him.

He looks drained, as if he was tired of this.

Jungkook and Jimin are helping Namjoon on his feet too, and you think this is over, you can’t do anything in here.

After Jackson’s threat, you’re not sure you’re safe, and your sister either. The best you can do now is disappear with your sister and try to forget what happened in this city. Deeply, you know you will never be able to forget it, or forget them, or forget him, but you’ll have to try.

Without looking back once, you leave that industrial area behind and all that comes with it.

. . .

You lie on your bed looking at the ceiling.

You will mis the peace and darkness of your small apartment. You will miss a lot of things, fuck.

But you’re not safe anymore, and tomorrow you’ll pick your sister up and go away from this place. You don’t have the money, and you definitely don’t have a place to go, but you’ll have to figure something out. The most important thing right now is yours and your sister’s safety.

You’re trying to think about the trip, about buying the train tickets since your car is still at the Black Panther garage, about renting an apartment, finding a job and a nice school for your sister. You’re trying to think about anything but him. You really don’t want to remember the hurt in his eyes, and much less the adoration and passion that were in them as you laughed or kissed or just stared at each other. You don’t want to remember that first night you met him at a college party at some abandoned building, how he called you None-Of-Your-Business, how he loved teasing you and how you loved teasing him…

But fuck, it is inevitable to think about all you could have been, all the places you could have visited together, all the things you could have shared. It is inevitable to think you’ll never find someone like him, that you’ll never find someone who’ll make you laugh as he did. It’s inevitable to think about all the what ifs and the could have beens.

All your few clothes are already stuffed in a big bag under your bed, all your belongings in a backpack next to the big bag. You’re already gone, despite still being there.

You’re starting to get sleepy when the sound of loud, rapid bangs on your door fill the entire apartment.

You sit up on your bed, startled, and your heart starts running at the speed of sound.

“Fuck,” you mouth.

This is it. Jackson has come for you. You won’t be able to pick your sister up and run away from the city. Maybe if you call her, you can warn her and tell her to go.

Another round of loud bangs fill your apartment and you tense even more.

You rush to the kitchen and grab a knife. You’re not going to stop them with a fucking knife, but it’s all you have.

“Y/N!” a voice calls your name.

A voice too familiar. A voice that doesn’t belong to Jackson.

A sense of déjà vu fills you and you let the knife fall onto the floor. Your mid reels back to a night, some weeks ago. You’re in the bathroom of the industrial unit, the loud sound of music is muffled by the door. Someone’s banging on it while calling your name and you feel…

“Y/N,” the voice repeats, this time a bit softer, as if he didn’t want anyone to hear him. “It’s me, please open the door.”

You don’t even think about it, you rush to the door and open it, finding Hoseok there, a big bag on his hands. He’s dressed in the same clothes he had worn to the race, his hair still dishevelled and he has bags under his eyes, a worried look on his face and desperation in his eyes.

“What are you doing here?” you breathe, frowning, your mind still not processing what’s going on.

“We have no time for that now,” he says, rushing into your apartment and closing the door behind him.

“B… But what’s going on?”

He ignores your question and looks around your apartment. He knows it better than his own, so he just walks towards your wardrobe and opens it. Seeing it already empty, he looks at you.

“Where are your things?” he asks.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on or not?”

He ignores you once again and starts searching all over your apartment.

“I already packed everything. It is under my bed in two bags,” you say.

Hoseok rushes to your bed and gets the two bags from underneath it.

“Are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?” you say, grabbing his shoulder and forcing him to look at you.

You’re starting to get nervous, if you aren’t already nervous enough.

Hoseok rushes a hand across his hair and looks at you. The sight of his dark eyes takes away all the air in your lungs.

“Jackson is coming for you,” he says. “I heard them when I went to your garage to try and talk to him.”

“I already knew that,” you frown. “It’s obvious he would go after me after all I did.”

“But he’s coming now,” Hoseok rushes. “And once he has you, he’ll go after your sister, and then after me.”

“W… What?” you stutter. “Now?

“Yeah, you have to go now.”

You grab the bags that he hands you with shaking hands. He then starts pushing you towards the door of your apartment.

“How… How am I gonna find a train ticket now for me and my sister? It’s three AM.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he shakes his head. “I have my car outside, it has enough gas to run some kilometres.”

“Your car?” you frown, stopping dead on your tracks and making him stop too.

“Yeah, the keys are in the outside pocket of the black bag. Inside you’ll find ten thousand dollars. I know it’s not much, but it’s all I could find in so little time.”

You fight against his hands that are still pushing you towards the door, turning around to face him.

“The keys, the money… What do you mean with all this?”

Hoseok sighs. “Run away. Pick your sister up and move to a place far from here, you’ll be safe if Jackson can’t find you.”

“And you? What about you?”

He shuts his mouth and looks at you, his eyelids dropping a bit.

“No,” you say. “I won’t leave you here. Jackson will kill you.”

“He’ll kill you and your sister if you do that.”

“But I can’t just let him kill you!”

Hoseok grabs you by the shoulders and shake you a bit.

“You have no time, Y/N, Jackson and the rest of the Black Panthers will be here at any moment. Just grab all those bags and go away.”

“But you, what about you? You –“

“Don’t worry about me right now, okay? I’ll be fine. This is my life, remember? I know how to deal with these things.”

You shake your head. “You can’t do this on your own. No one can.”

“Namjoon is with me, I have the Blue Eagles on my side,” he says, trying to calm you. “It’ll all be fine.”

“No,” you shake your head once again. “No, it won’t be fine. Just… Come with me.”

“And leave Namjoon on his own? After all he did for me, I can’t do that. I can’t abandon my family.”

You feel your eyes burning, tears starting to blur your gaze. So, this is it?

“We already spoke about this,” Hoseok says, his voice barely a whisper as his eyes search yours.

“When we spoke about this, your life was not on the line.”

“When we spoke about this, I didn’t know you were the main racer of the Black Panthers.”

“So you would run away with me if you still didn’t know?”

“That doesn’t matter right now,” Hoseok shakes his head. “All that matters is your safety.”

“Why? Why do you care after all I’ve done to you?”

The apartment becomes silent for a few more seconds, you staring at Hoseok and him staring at you. Again, flashbacks of another night with him fills your mind. This time, it is a night a lot happier than the bathroom one. It is the first night you invited him to your apartment. You remember him laughing at your choice of drink: milk.

“I guess I would have done the same if I had been you,” he sighs. “I don’t blame you for anything you did, I know it wasn’t easy. You did it for the people you love. I would have done the same.”

“You believe me, then?”

“I believe in what your eyes told me each time I kissed you,” Hoseok nods, as if reassuring him. “Maybe I should have just listened to you when you told me to stop seeing each other, maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation then.”

You shake your head.

“No, don’t blame yourself. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t gotten into a world I didn’t belong to. I thought it was just a game.”

“We wouldn’t have met each other then,” he whispers.

You place a hand on his cheek. It is warm and soft, a touch you know you want to remember.

“We would have,” you smile reassuring him, reassuring you. “This is a small city after all. Maybe we would have met at that party at the abandoned building anyways.”

“I would have seen you there, at the bar rejecting that boy,” Hoseok smiles. “I would have approached you without a doubt.”

You smile and he places his hand on top of yours, already caressing his cheek softly. In the silence of your apartment, your world is crumbling. Outside everything goes on. The moonlight still seeps through the small slits of the blinds, the neon lights of the city as bright as ever. Cars pass. People pass. Time passes. And you stay there in your apartment basking in all that could have been but never will be.

You swallow the few tears that are rolling down your cheeks. This is you, in your most naked form. No cool façade, no emotionless expression, not swallowing back tears anymore.

“I love you,” you whisper. “I’ve known it for some time now, but I was too afraid to tell you… In case you ran away before I could.”

Hoseok clenches his jaw, stopping himself from doing something. What? You’ll never know. Maybe he’s stopping himself from saying those three words back, maybe he’s stopping himself from letting your words sink inside him, maybe he’s stopping himself from letting go of everything and running away with you. Maybe…

Instead of saying anything, Hoseok leans in and captures your lips with his, telling you everything he’ll never be able to tell you with words.

He tastes like salty tears and the night breeze. He tastes like sparkles in your stomach and laughs at the top of your lungs. He tastes like rolled down windows and the speed of sound, he tastes like driving at 200 kph on a cool night. He tastes like everything you ever wanted. Freedom.

They say the best things in life come free to us, unexpectedly and fast. You have to pay attention, for those things go as fast as they came, and once you see them, it is now or never. Take them or leave them. Take the risk or spend all your life thinking about the maybes and the what ifs.

That was Hoseok to you. Something that came fast and unexpected, a now or never shouted in the night sky, something that was brief but intense a beautiful.

That night, as you drive down the streets of the city in a silver Porsche, the sounds of gunshots become distant as you keep pressing the gas pedal. You scream ‘it is now or never’ at the top of your lungs, windows rolled down and the night air seeping harshly inside the car, playing with your hair.

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