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#buddiefanfiction
oatflatwhite · a day ago
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So about Bachelor Buck and Cameraman Eddie - we see as the show progresses that Buck is into exactly zero (0) of the contestants but there are moments he seems to be looking so tenderly and fondly at something or someone behind the camera.
So viewers try to figure out who tf he's looking at bc he has never looked at any of the contestants so softly and so fondly.
And in between episodes, Buck seeks Eddie out more and they fall in love 🥺
Idk how the reveal will happen but I imagine at the very last episode when Buck is to choose (?? I have very vague ideas about how the Bachelor works), he walks off stage and he goes to Eddie instead
YOUR GALAXY BRAIN OP...............
ok this for real reminds me of a sterek fic i read many moons ago and couldn't possibly hope to find again BUT i love love the idea and think it suits buddie sooooo well
and like buck would still go on his dates with the contestants or whatever, but they would always be kind of awkward, and he never kisses any of them which is kind of weird but everyone's like?? maybe he's just a gentleman?? except in his confessionals (eddie behind the camera) he's always much more open and engaged, even a little flirty. and eddie is... confused to say the least, because yeah, okay, buck is the first ever bi bachelor so yeah, he likes guys. but eddie has seen the guys competing on the show, he's filmed them and like... they're always in suits, or have their shirts off, and eddie's in an all-black work uniform hidden behind the camera half the time with a stupid headset on and like. who would even look twice at him among all these other hot guys actively vying for buck's hand?
but buck. buck pays attention. buck hears the little, muttered-under-the-breath comments eddie provides as he films the frankly ridiculous scenes. buck knows the slope of eddie's shoulders behind the camera, has spent hours, alone in his room in the bachelor mansion, thinking about what it would be like to slide the headset from over eddie's ears; to run his fingers through what looks like impossibly soft hair. and the more confessionals he films with eddie, the more he coaxes the little comments out of him; until most times, once they've shot what they've needed to, eddie will turn off the camera and they'll just. talk. not for much more than five or ten minutes, because buck is in high demand on the set – but enough for buck to learn about christopher, and eddie's distrust of technology ("you literally work on a film set you can't be amish" "I didn't say I was fucking amish, buck"), and the running route he takes on the mornings he doesn't have a 5am call time, and his favourite colour (blue), and the fact he knows every word to taylor swift's red album.
and eddie – eddie already knows all about buck. but it's tv buck he knows, behind-the-camera buck. when the green light's switched off, something of an... ease, settles across his shoulders. his smile becomes smaller, more real. he fidgets with his hands. he tells eddie about his sister, and falling off his bike as a kid so bad he scraped up and down both shins and forearms. he tells him how he's so afraid he doesn't know what to do with his life; that maddie's boyfriend, chim, is a firefighter, and he thinks maybe he'd like to be one too, but he's so scared of failing yet again that he's never tried.
"I think you'd make a great firefighter," eddie tells him, and pretends like the smile buck gives him in return doesn't split him wide open. "I'd let you rescue me."
i also have a very iffy understanding of how the actual tv show works, but at the end. at the end. buck's supposed to choose, between – let's say ali, and taylor, and josh. and he likes them all; would have been able to picture a future with all three of them, maybe, if this stupid, handsome, endearing, intelligent, sweet, kind, affectionate, sarcastic, heartbreaking cameraman hadn't caught his eye.
so he chooses no one. he hugs all three and kisses them on the cheek and sends them away and eddie puts down his camera. he's never stepped in front of it before but he does now, and buck slides the headset from his ears, lets it rest gently against his neck. cards his fingers through eddie's hair and when they kiss it's not hollywood, or whatever hollywood-adjacent city the bachelor is being filmed in. their noses bump, it's awkward. it's silly, buck can't stop smiling.
and when the episode finally goes to air, months and months later, months and months of keeping their relationship under wraps, the camerawork is shaky but unmistakeable: a slow zoom through leaves and fairy lights, of two men kissing, so caught up in each other it's as though the rest of the world doesn't exist. one's in a burgundy suit, hair perfectly gelled, shoes shined. the other is in black jeans, a black henley, work boots. headset looped around his neck.
it's the most-watched episode in bachelor history.
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buddiefanfiction · 2 days ago
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This is the second group rec for the first kiss trope. This list includes a range of authors and fics that vary in length. If you have a favorite first kiss fic that wasn’t included on this fic, you can send it in for part 3.
~
Untitled by @extasiswings Complete | Not Rated | 724
Leave the Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) by @hmslusitania Complete | ​Mature Rating | 44.4k
kiss you heavy, heavy but you know we ain’t done yet by @buckactuallys Complete | Teen Rating | 1.2k
17 Steps to Inevitability by @littlespooneven Complete | Teen Rating | 12k
i threw a wish in the well by @tylerhunklin Complete | Not Rated | 1.4k
Untitled by @renecdote Complete | Not Rated | 5.1k
You put me on and said I was your favorite... by @reallysmartladymariecurie​ Complete | Teen Rating | 3.5k
Fall Asleep in Separate Rooms by youbetsya Complete | Teen Rating | 11.4k
hearts on fire by @woodchoc-magnum Complete | Mature Rating | 65.5k
Love and Bullets Both Shatter Hearts (But Only One Can Put You Back Together) by @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels Complete | Explicit Rating | 11.2k
~
First Kiss Tag
Masterlist of Recommended Fics
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The fact that the Buddie AO3 tag was barely over 5k fics at the start of this year, and now it’s at 10k is so wild to me…
But also, this year has really done something special for Buddie, hasn’t it?
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thebestbooksaround · 2 hours ago
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The Art of Realisation by EtoileGarden (@etoilegarden)
Buddie | 7k | Teen
“So what do you think,” Buck asked. “Do I - do I risk it? Do I say I love you? Do I - I -”
“I don’t think so,” Eddie said firmly, before Buck could even finish stuttering out his question. “Look, Buck,” he said. “You’re a clever guy, and I know you’ve got a lot to give to a relationship. I just don’t think this is it for you. I don’t think you’ll make each other happy in the long run.”
Buck stumbles his way through a confession, Eddie woefully misunderstands.
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elvensorceress · 16 days ago
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sunrise
(the 5x03 episode coda we all deserve) 
Inspired by @eric-dierr ‘s post
on AO3
There’s finality to the sound of the door shutting behind her, but the weight of more years than he’s ever known her disappears as soon as she does. 
He can breathe again. He can relax. He doesn’t have to play a part. He doesn’t have to fake picture perfect, too-exaggerated-to-be-real happiness. He can finally take his home back. 
The irony of his disaster kitchen is not lost on him. But he starts with a message, because it needs to be said, and he hates the idea of hurting anyone. Least of all hurting someone the way Buck was hurt. 
Done. It’s over.
Is what he sends. And then goes to strip the beds and cycle the laundry and wash his whole fucking house of anything touched by her. It’s only a few minutes before he receives a response. 
it go ok? r u ok? 
He could be better. He could have a clean house and a clean mind and he could simply enjoy curling up with his son and finally spending time with him. Fixing everything has to come first. 
It was fine. Probably. Who knows. You make it home?
Once the sheets are washing, he turns to the kitchen and who does this to someone else’s kitchen and just leaves it? He digs out gallon sized ziplock bags and fills them with the assortment of muffins and other baked goods. He’ll have to make a note to himself to take them to the station on his next shift. At least he won’t have to pretend to like bland, flavorless cooking anymore. 
He checks his phone and it’s been a good ten minutes without a response, so maybe Buck decided to nap or cook or… Oh, god maybe his girlfriend is there. 
At least there’s not much of anything in Eddie’s stomach right now because it twists and he’s nauseous and of all the people Buck had to pick her and it’s just… none of his business but Buck could do so much better. He deserves so much better. Though the idea of Buck with anyone is not something he wants to think about. Not that he wants Buck to be alone forever. He’s been so lonely and Eddie knows he desperately wants to be loved. But no one is ever going to be good enough for him, no one can know him well enough or love him the way he needs, he should be adored and cherished and treated like the most precious thing in existence because he is.
And that’s the most Eddie wants to think about on the subject. 
He starts by unloading the dishwasher and then has to restart by organizing his cupboards back the way the dishes and cups and silverware are supposed to be organized. Halfway through the third cupboard, his phone chimes. 
idk. technically. what r u up to?
He reads it and rereads their whole conversation, and sighs heavily. Buck could take his own advice. But then they’d both be alone again. One of them should at least have something? He starts typing and hesitates and knows his typing must have appeared and notified Buck that he’s working on a response. But. Should he? 
Fuck it. Why not. 
Cleaning up my disaster. Want to come over? 
The response is immediate. 
Yes
It’s another moment where he can finally breathe again. In that case, he unloads the clean dishes into a mostly empty cupboard and tries to tackle the dirty dishes in the sink before Buck shows up and sees the mess made of his kitchen. 
disaster?
Is the next message that pops up on his phone and Eddie contemplates sending a picture, but some things are better left a surprise. 
You’ll see.
It takes him less than fifteen minutes to walk through the door and the kitchen is only partly under control. He hears Christopher excitedly exclaim, “Buck! Buck is home! You’re here!” 
And Buck’s near giddy reply of, “Christopher! You’re also home!” He laughs and Eddie has to see them. 
He grabs a kitchen towel to dry his hands and finds Christopher clutched tightly in Buck’s arms, melting onto his shoulder much like he did at the station a few days ago. They both have their eyes closed tightly, swaying as if there’s joyful music only they can hear. Eddie wonders what it might take for him to hear it as well. 
He swallows hard and can’t look at anything else. 
Christopher lifts up and presses both of his small hands into Buck’s cheeks. “I missed you, kid.” 
Buck laughs again but his eyes look glassy even though there’s something about him that is radiant sunshine after years of being lost in a cold night. “I missed you, too, buddy.” He sets Christopher down but bends to leave a kiss on his forehead. When he looks at Eddie with that glowing sunrise of a smile, Eddie can almost believe in hope and happiness and the future. 
It makes him want to believe real love is still possible. That there is something, someone, in existence who might make his heart want and need and bleed love in every incarnation. 
Buck lets Christopher go back to playing and follows Eddie into the kitchen. Where his expression immediately turns into something horrified. “What in the,” he glances in the direction of the other room, shuts the door and mouths quietly, “Fuck happened here?”
“I told you. Disaster.” Eddie tosses his kitchen towel onto his shoulder and returns to the kitchen sink with soaking cupcake pans. 
“But,” Buck says, supremely distressed. “My kitchen.”
“I’ve been working on it,” Eddie promises. He needs to scrub down and wash away everything. 
 “She wasn’t even here that long. What the hell did she do? Who does this and just leaves someone else’s house like this?”
Eddie shrugs but gives him a smile. He can finally smile. A real smile in his own home. It’s almost strange now, but it’s possible. Then again, it’s always real when Buck is around. “That’s exactly what I thought.”
Buck shakes his head and goes to the cupboards to finish organizing them properly. He knows better where everything is supposed to belong anyway. 
With Buck’s help, it doesn’t take long to reorganize and wipe down the entire kitchen. They put new sheets and blankets on the beds and Eddie does a quick cleaning of the bathrooms while Buck vacuums and tidies the living room. They bring the dried laundry to Christopher’s room to fold and put it away and start a load of all Eddie’s work clothes, and only then does Buck turn to him and put his hands on Eddie’s shoulders. 
Eddie tries not to go weak at the touch. It feels like an eternity since they’ve hugged, since they’ve been home, since they’ve been close. 
“Thank you,” Buck says softly.
Eddie looks at him, unsure, uncertain, and longing for something they can never have. “For what?”
Buck bites his lip and tears well in his eyes. “For not being Abby. For being you.”
Eddie takes a deep breath and very lightly rests a hand on Buck’s chest. Over his heart. “Thanks for being you.” 
Buck bends his head and Eddie holds onto him, pulls him closer so Buck’s forehead rests against his own. 
It’s so easy to believe now. He can almost feel it with how they’ve grown together, built this together. There’s something so close it feels inevitable, but he knows it’s something they chose for themselves. 
When they let go, they join Christopher on the sofa and cuddle together closer than they ever have. So close Christopher wriggles out from their tight grasp because they are interrupting game time, okay? Buck looks at him for a moment but curls against Eddie’s side anyway and drifts off as they’re stretched on the couch together. 
His house his clean. His life has a new page, a fresh start, it can be anything. But he knows, no matter what, they’ll have each other and their son. It’s all his heart has ever wanted, and this time, it feels as if they will have it. 
@oneweirdcryptid @ashavahishta @captain-flint @phantomqueenmorrigan @loveyourownsmiilee @oldsouldreamer85 @arrenemris @fleurdebeton @rosefairyirl @holydrogo-n @free-byrd @insaneoldme @oatflatwhite @favouritealias @idealuk @racoonsa @ethicalconflictdiaz
(If anyone would like to be added to my tag list, let me know or go like this post 💕)
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eddiediazisascorpio · 2 months ago
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Buddie + fluff 18 or 41? :)
I decided to go with fluff 18. Thanks for this!
[“You come here often?” “Well considering I work here, yes.”]
Eddie’s leaning against the counter nursing a cup of coffee and laughing at some joke Chimney just said under his breath in passing.
He almost doesn’t notice the double take Buck does when he enters the kitchen. His boyfriend saunters over to him and leans a hand onto the counter, smiling sweetly at Eddie.
“What is it?” Eddie laughs. “What did you do?”
“I’m normally not this forward,” Buck starts, and Eddie rolls his eyes. Buck’s doing it again. “But do you come here often?”
Chimney gets up from the table and glares at Buck.
“It’s not even noon and you’re already being weird.”
He walks off, shaking his head.
Eddie can’t help the smile that spreads onto his face.
“Well, considering I work here, yes.”
Ever since they started dating, Buck has started doing this thing where he pretends like they’re strangers just so he can walk right up to Eddie and flirt with him and turn him into a blushing mess. It works every time.
“You don’t have to do this every time we’re together,” Eddie reminds him.
Buck leans in and Eddie presses a hand to Buck’s chest, pushing him backwards.
“We can’t.”
“We can.”
“Actually, you can’t, and you probably shouldn’t if you don’t want to get on Bobby’s last nerve,” Hen calls as she walks into the room.
Eddie laughs at Buck’s face.
“I love you,” Eddie reminds him. “But your flirting is terrible.”
“How did he even manage to win you over?” Hen asks him.
Buck raises his eyebrows at Eddie.
“He’s the softest person I ever met,” Eddie says confidently.
“I’m not soft!”
“You’re the softest,” Eddie repeats, and reaches forward to card his hand through Buck’s hair.
Buck closes his eyes at the feeling and Eddie smirks. “You love me even when I’m in the worst mood and Chris thinks you’re the coolest person to walk this Earth.”
“He said that?” Buck asks.
Eddie removes his hand and Buck opens his eyes.
“He doesn’t have to,” Eddie reminds him. “He loves you so much.”
“I love him, too.”
The bell sounds and they rush to get ready to leave for a call.
“I know you do.”
“Can you guys just table this honeymoon phase flirting shit for when the rest of us aren’t around to see it?” Chimney asks.
They load into the truck and start driving onto a main road.
“Don’t act like you weren’t like this with Maddie when you guys first got together,” Hen reminds him.
Buck almost gags.
“That’s my sister you’re talking about. I don’t wanna hear it.”
“Well, we don’t want to see him make goo-goo eyes at Eddie and drool over him every time he walks into a room either,” Chimney says, rolling his eyes.
The truck pulls to a stop at the scene, a rooftop pool party gone wrong, and they all rush out.
“Well, get used to it,” Buck tells Chim, “I love him and now that we’re together I’m going to spend every day making sure he knows it.”
Hen laughs at Eddie’s blushing face as he ducks his head and runs to the scene to help.
“I’m sure he knows.”
Eddie walks around in an LAFD t-shirt, wipes sweat from his brow, and ignores the jaws that drop and the women who try to flirt with him.
“Are you hurt?” Eddie asks one of them.
“What? No, I’m fine.”
Eddie doesn’t believe her and runs a few tests to make sure. When he’s done, he tries to walk off, but she calls out for him.
“Hey, are you single?” she asks him.
Eddie turns around.
“No,” he says.
“Well, your girlfriend is a lucky woman,” she says.
Eddie turns around and points to Buck.
“My boyfriend, actually,” he corrects her. His eyes are steady on Buck. “And I like to think I’m the lucky one.”
“You’re dating the other hot firefighter?” the woman’s friend asks. “Of course you are. Wow.”
Buck flushes hearing all of this and Eddie walks over.
“And you say I’m the soft one,” Buck laughs.
Eddie rolls his eyes.
“You are.”
“But what was that you just said?” Buck pesters him, walking after Eddie.
He stops and pretends to smolder, doing an exaggerated impression of Eddie. He deepens his voice and turns his head to the side.
“And I like to think I’m the lucky one.”
“Okay, I do not sound like that,” Eddie tells him.
“You do.”
Buck continues to smolder.
“What are you even doing with your face?” Eddie laughs. “You’re so cute.”
“I’m smoldering, babe. You smolder. You make your face go like this and then you just…” Buck trails off and does a more exaggerated impression of Eddie, putting his hands on his hips and continuing to smolder even more. He runs a hand through his hair like Eddie does sometimes.
Eddie shakes his head. Buck trails after him.
“I’m right! You know I am!”
“Whatever you say, babe.”
He peppers a few quick kisses to Buck’s lips and Buck freezes.
He doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of Eddie. He’s wanted this for so long and now that it’s finally real, now that he knows Eddie wants him and loves him, Buck will spend the rest of his life making sure everyone knows that he wants Eddie, too, and loves him.
He thinks he would spend his last dying breath telling someone how much Eddie means to him.
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thatnerdemryn · 11 days ago
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Pairing: Buddie Length: 8.6k - 4/4 Rating/warnings: General with spoilers for 5x2 & 5x3 Summary: Buck and Eddie have some revelations about their definitions of home, reachability of dreams, and a future spent together.
read on ao3
Buck has never been one to hesitate before talking to his best friend, but he sees Eddie with an arm over his face, lying down for the first time since Ana and Christopher left, and his feet feel like they’re stuck to the floor. 
He takes a few deep breaths, preparatory, anxiety-reducing, reminders that he’s breathing and that his best friend is hurting. He’s the one to make things better, to get Eddie through everything, so why is he hesitating? 
“Hey, are you sleeping or just pretending?” 
He knows the answer but is grateful when Eddie actually speaks. 
“I was actually trying to until you interrupted.”
Sarcasm, that’s— good. Buck isn’t sure when sass and thinly veiled annoyance became good but he isn’t about to overthink it like he has been for the last hour. 
“I’m exhausted,” Buck offers. He thinks that maybe if he shares something small, Eddie might be willing to give in return. “Uh, how are you feeling?” 
Buck knows the answer to this question, too, and he finds himself secretly hoping Eddie answers in sarcasm so he can truly convince himself that things are okay, that his hesitation was unwarranted.
“Hot,” Eddie drawls, “I’m sweating out of places I didn’t know I could.”
Well, Buck did ask for sarcasm. He didn’t expect the glint of arousal to strike through him like lightning, though. 
Or the quick jolt of panic as he rakes his eyes over Eddie’s body for nothing other than symptoms, an indication of what might be wrong because, for the first time since he’s met Eddie, he doesn’t know.  
“Not like a cold sweat though, right? Any chest pains?” 
Buck yearns to reach out, to feel Eddie’s pulse in his wrist, press a palm over his forehead to check for a fever. Hell, he would go grab a blood pressure cuff and EKG monitor from the ambulance if Hen and Chim wouldn’t yell at him. Buck considers it more than he should because he needs to know that Eddie’s really okay before he drives himself crazy. 
Eddie just stares, unimpressed. 
“You don’t give up, do you?” 
Nope, Buck thinks, though he wouldn’t risk saying it out loud. After a long exasperated sigh, Eddie relents, “I’m fine, Buck.” Like Buck is actually supposed to believe him or something. 
“People who are fine don’t go and see cardiologists,” Buck responds. 
He’s clutching the clipboard in his lap a little too tight and he feels it. The way his knuckles burn, the way his fingertips crease the papers he’s been pretending to focus on all day. He hopes Eddie doesn’t notice. He hopes that he does.
Because Eddie is a lot of things, but he isn’t oblivious. That oblivious. Buck sighs. 
“You need to tell me if something is wrong,” Buck finally says. 
It’s not a request, it’s an order. One that he’s not sure Eddie will follow, but one that he hopes will get the point across. 
Because Buck is scared.  
He’s been terrified ever since Eddie’s blood splattered all over his face, since he watched the nurses shove a tube down his throat and make no promises. Since Eddie sat beside him, alive and well, and trusted him with the most important thing in his life—in Buck’s life. 
That fear has only risen ever since he saw the way Ana smiled up at him during his welcome home and the way Eddie grinned right back, the smile Buck had too long convinced himself was his own. How comfortable she looked mixed in with his family, the family Buck started to consider his. 
He’s scared because he’s never felt so much, so strongly for another person since— No, that’s not right. He’s never felt this way about anyone . 
Eddie isn’t just another person to destroy him, another partner to tell lies and fall away. He isn’t going to be replaced in Eddie’s life just because he has someone else, someone who might know what’s going on in his head and doesn’t have to demand an answer. 
Eddie is different, he always has been. And Buck has to hold onto that. 
He does even when Eddie speaks again. 
“It was a panic attack, not a heart attack,” Eddie sighs as he sits up. Buck knows he’s irritated but he can’t bring himself to care. He has always mildly irritated Eddie, why should this time be any different?
Actually, he finds himself gripping even tighter at the clipboard—at hope— when Eddie admits to it. 
Panic. Of all the things Buck thinks Eddie is going to say, panic isn’t one of them. 
“Since when do you panic?” 
Then he considers the number of times he’s woken up in sweat-soaked sheets that felt too much like Eddie’s blood and tears in his eyes that he can’t seem to wipe away fast enough as they burn his cheeks. The pain of his sobs that still tear through him when he remembers the lost look on Eddie’s face in the firetruck, asking if Buck was okay like it mattered. The feeling of failure when Christopher’s hand patted softly at his shoulder.  
“That’s what I said.”
Something flashes in Eddie’s eyes that looks like surprise, realization, but Buck pushes it aside. He can’t cling to hope too tightly. He knows how that works out for him in the end. 
“I don’t panic,” Eddie huffs and then exhales, “except I did.” 
“Okay, well, what triggered it?” Buck lists off the reasons for his own panic, expecting a match, but Eddie doesn’t stop him to agree. 
He stops him to argue and it isn’t what Buck expects. 
“That wasn’t it,” Eddie interrupts exasperatedly. “If I’m being honest with myself, I—”
When has Eddie ever been dishonest with himself? 
“I think it was Ana.” 
Ana. The name that spirals in Buck’s mind too often when he has to remind himself that Eddie isn’t his. The name that only passes his lips drenched in sarcasm or malice or a thin veil of hope when he doesn’t think too much about what he is saying. The name that sparks nerves, anxiety, fear, dread, confusion— 
Panic. 
“Uh,” Buck stutters, hoping his heart beating out of his chest isn’t obvious, “I thought things were great with Ana.” 
He watched Eddie kiss her on the cheek during her surprise visit, watched as Christopher hoped out loud for a new mom, a wife for his father. Sure, he didn’t react exactly how Buck had expected, but he didn’t seem to panic. 
Or he did and Buck was too focused on his own misery to truly see it.
“She’s been a godsend through all of this, staying with Christopher, but… I think that’s what’s causing the panic.” 
He sounds so sure, so confident that there couldn’t be anything else, which is the Eddie that Buck remembers. Buck isn’t sure it’s the Eddie he wants to see at this moment, though. He wants to see Eddie happy, Eddie making plans for his future, Eddie beaming at the thought of being in love with a perfect person, the one that Ana seems to be. He wants Eddie to feel the joy that comes from spending time with him, the way Buck does. 
“Somehow we became a ready-made family and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” 
He says the other word that haunts Buck’s nightmares. 
Buck always thought he knew what family meant, what family was supposed to be, then his parents stopped caring. Then Maddie left and he was all alone. He thought he had found his family at the one-eighteen soon after and he was happy. God, was he happy, for the first time since he could remember. 
Then he met Eddie. 
Then he met Christopher. 
How he defines his family is a little cloudy now. 
“So what are you gonna do?” 
And isn’t that the question of the day, the minute, the seconds that he spends gripping onto the clipboard in front of him to keep his hands from reaching, comforting, desiring. 
Eddie shakes his head. 
“I’m just gonna stick it out. Ana’s been the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with since Shannon…”
“Stick it out?” 
Buck flashes back to his own attempt at sticking it out. Convincing himself that eventually, Eddie will realize what they mean to each other. His plans to stick it out even if it meant he wouldn’t be as happy as he could be, had pretended he deserved to be. He was going to stick it out because he would have Eddie in whatever way he could. 
“That’s not how you talk about someone you’re in love with.”
Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Eddie anymore. 
“My kid loves her,” Eddie shoots back, heat in his voice that doesn’t match the worry on his face. 
Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Buck anymore. 
“Is that enough?” 
Buck spits the words right back, more venom that Eddie could have tried to muster. He doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t. If anything, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay the second Ana’s name lingered between them. 
But he does. 
He wants to grab Eddie’s shoulders, shake them until his brain wobbles into sense, kiss him and mutter the words back to him a million times over. 
Because if that’s enough for Eddie, why doesn’t he love Buck?
Is that enough? Is that enough for you to love me back? Is that enough for you to spend the rest of your life with me instead? For me to stop pretending anyone else is going to be a better fit for me than you? 
Because I love your kid more than anyone in the world, Eddie, and if that’s enough, then… 
Why not me?
Eddie’s silent for a moment too long, a second prolonged into a minute, that might have lasted forever if Buck didn’t break it. 
“Eddie, I’ve been Ana. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s not all the way in.”
He thinks of his parents first. Then he thinks of Abby. Even Ali flashes through his tired mind. 
But nothing lingers like Eddie. Nothing has ever lingered like Eddie. 
“Deep down you know it and it hurts. It hurts worse than the truth.” 
Buck’s lived through a lot of truths. His parents creating him for spare parts, Abby leaving him and not looking back, Ali unable to handle the one thing he loves most in the world— loved most in the world, past tense because there are two things, two people , that have that title now. 
He’s lived through being in love with his best friend, his best friend’s family, his best friend’s son. He knows what it’s like to hold onto that hope that maybe, just maybe, someone won’t abandon him, someone won’t think he’s not enough. He has held onto the hope that someone loves him—not in the way he wants, but loves him just the same. 
Briefly he wonders if knowing Eddie doesn’t love him back would hurt more than not knowing. 
Buck shakes his head instead of saying any of his thoughts out loud. 
“So if you don’t wanna hurt Ana, you owe it to her to be honest.” 
Buck isn’t sure whether he’s talking to himself or to Eddie. 
“It just feels like a lot, man.” 
And Buck? He knows the feeling all too well. 
-------------------------------------
After everything with the blackout, the zoo, the constant worrying about Eddie only to switch his anxieties over to the Grant-Nash household, Buck was ready to go home. He wants to lay down in his own bed and let his comforter swallow him whole until he is forced to wake up and live again. He hasn’t heard from Taylor since he let her know Harry was home safe which meant she was probably working but he lets himself be grateful that he has someone to potentially go home to. 
He closes his locker with a deep breath of relief just as Eddie walks around the corner. 
“Ah,” Buck sounds, a bright smile on his face, “Thought you’d be the first one out the door. Christopher know you’re coming?” 
Eddie doesn’t look at him, just fidgets with his watch a little too long considering how often he wears the damn thing. Technophobe Eddie always needs to have his watch around his wrist so he doesn’t have to check his phone. 
“Not yet,” Eddie sighs, staring down at the floor like it’s entirely more interesting than his best friend. 
Buck is ready with an apology before Eddie can continue being bad at him, “Look, Eddie, if this is about what I said, I—”
“I haven’t figured out what I’m going to say when I get home.” Eddie glances up finally, meeting Buck’s eyes for a second before they land on something through the glass wall surrounding them. “To Ana.” 
“You’re going to…” Buck doesn’t know what to say, how to finish his sentence. Hell, he has no idea what’s been going on Eddie’s mind since they spoke last and it breaks Buck a little to come to that realization. 
“I’m heading out now, though, so…” Eddie makes his way to the door, passing Buck without so much as a second glance. “I’ll see you when I see you.”
“Eddie, wait, c’mon, man.” Buck hates that he sounds so desperate, so needy. He doesn’t want to exhaust Eddie more than he already looks but he can’t shake the feeling that something is off between them and that it’s all his fault. “Talk to me,” Buck pleads again. 
“We did all the talking, Buck, what more do you want me to say?” 
“You didn’t say anything,” Buck points out. He sighs and closes his eyes because it’s not what Eddie wants to hear and he knows it. “I just— I didn’t mean to push you, to—to make you feel… trapped.” 
Eddie’s eyes shoot up immediately, catching Buck’s just enough to ease some of the tension in both of their shoulders. It’s been a long few days and an even longer past few hours and all Buck wants is for his best friend not to be mad at him any longer. 
“You’re—” Eddie runs a hand over his face and covers his mouth for a second like he’s trying to hold back whatever he wants to say. Buck’s about to ask, but he continues, “You’re the only one that isn’t making me feel that way, okay?” He stares at Buck so sternly as if to make sure Buck truly understands and he does. 
“Whatever you say to Ana, however…” Buck gestures vaguely to the front door of the station that Eddie will soon leave out of, “all of that goes, I’m around. I’m here and I always will be. For you and for Christopher.” 
“He’s not going to take this well,” Eddie notes like he’s giving Buck an out. As if Buck would ever take it. 
“I know that and I’m glad you do, too, but he’s not the only one that’s going to hurt, Eddie.” 
Buck takes the chance, rests his hand on Eddie’s shoulder, and squeezes, his thumb pressing solidly against Eddie’s neck. He feels the way the pulse point stutters, similar to how Buck’s does each time Eddie comforts him in the same way. Before he can pull away, Eddie is pulling him into a tight hug, arms wrapping around Buck harder than ever before. 
They both melt into it, each of them dead on their feet from work, from the emotions they’ve been forced to face. Buck knows at this moment that he would be able to get through anything if everything ended being engulfed in Eddie’s arms. He wants to linger, wants to press his face further into Eddie’s neck, kiss the still slightly shower damp skin until it’s red, hold onto Eddie until he doesn’t feel so broken anymore. 
But he knows he has to pull away. 
“I tried to love her,” Eddie says softly, his breath ghosting against Buck’s cheek as they part. 
“You can’t help who you love,” Buck replies. He reaches up to hold Eddie’s face in his palm, hoping the motion doesn’t give away the truth to his words. Buck could easily be talking to himself, reassuring himself that it’s okay to be in love with Eddie because he’s there for him in whatever way he needs when it matters most. 
Eddie leans into the touch for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath to compose himself. Then he’s pushing Buck’s hand away like it was never there in the first place. 
“Speaking of, you should be getting home to, uh, Taylor, right?” 
Buck nods and gulps, “I don’t love her.” Eddie’s eyes go wide and Buck regrets the words instantly. “I mean, we’re— taking it slow. She’s really focused on her career and I’m—”
What is Buck doing? Is he focusing on his career that remains the only constant in his life? Or is he putting all of his attention on a family that isn’t his—at least, not in the way he wants them to be. He’s going home to a most likely empty apartment, to an empty bed, to a night alone while the person he’s supposed to be falling in love with… works. And he can't even tell his best friend the truth about his relationship with Taylor because he's already uncomfortable and Buck can see it in the way he shuffles back and forth on his feet. 
“Well, I’ll, uh, keep you updated,” Eddie says. Buck salutes to him as he walks by and then he internally beats himself up for leaving Eddie with such a dumb hand gesture. 
The unsettled feeling in Buck’s chest doesn’t go away even as he drives with the jeep windows rolled down and the music blasting through the speakers. He’s not sure what’s playing, some old radio station Eddie left it on when he went to get them lunch earlier, no doubt, but he can’t focus on it because Eddie’s words are still spiraling in the forefront of his mind. 
He listened to Buck. He cared about Buck’s opinion on something as intimate as his relationship with Ana. That wasn’t new for them. Eddie had never been one to shy away from letting anyone in on the unrelenting trust he had in Buck, whether it was his own life or even more importantly, Christopher's. Buck had been so sure that Eddie had been pulling away, keeping him at a distance they only had between them in the first few hours after they met.  But Eddie wasn’t doing that at all. He was listening to Buck, taking what he thought, what he said into consideration and that was… 
Buck doesn’t know what it was. His mind has been in a twist ever since— Well, he guesses it’s been in a twist ever since he realized Eddie’s importance in his life. From the second the ambulance blew up behind them, Buck and Eddie both safe, the victim in another bus waiting to head to the hospital also safe and sound, Buck knew that their relationship meant something. 
The twist turned to two parallel lines when Shannon came back into Eddie’s life. It felt like there was always something between them that meant Buck couldn’t fully explore what he and Eddie could be. From that moment, even after Shannon died, after Ali left Buck, when he met Taylor, and when Eddie met Ana, it was like they were destined for distance in a way that left a crack in Buck’s heart. 
He’s home before he knows it, unlocking his door, settling his keys down on the island in the kitchen. They echo in the silence of his empty apartment. All he wants is his bed. He’s exhausted; physically, mentally, emotionally, any kind of exhausted a man can be. He just wants the silence of his apartment, the comfort of his soft pillows and clean sheets, and the solitude of—
He sighs and turns on the TV. He hears Taylor’s voice, recognizes it instantly.
“Hi, honey,” he mutters, dropping his head back against the pillow, “I’m home.” 
Home.
Buck considers the word. His apartment is often empty, full of echos and solitude. He takes in the room surrounding him. The walls are almost void of anything that Buck would consider home. There’s no art on them, not the drawings Maddie used to paint to make him feel a little bit brighter, make him smile a little wider. The books on his bookshelf are all for show and he’s not sure he’s even read past the first few chapters of most of them. Even the TV on the stand rarely ever stays on long enough for Buck to consider it essential. 
Home never meant much to Buck, now that he thinks about it. Sure, he always had one with a roof over his head and a table full of food, but home as a concept had always been foreign. He never put down roots the way Maddie did with Doug or the way his parents did when they decided to have two— three , he corrects—kids and settle down in a perfect house with their picturesque life. 
Buck had never wanted that, never dreamed of a life like his parents or Maddie. Instead, he spent all of his time doing the exact opposite. He never spent more than a few months in every place he adventured to, never had long-lasting friendships, partners, hopes, goals. 
Home to him was a prison. And as he glances around his apartment, he thinks that maybe he’s behind unlocked bars. 
Taylor’s voice chimed with her familiar send off and Buck paused his DVR on her face. He thought, for stupid moment, that he could see himself behind those bars with Taylor. They could settle down together in some fancy apartment while she climbed the ranks to stardom and he continued doing what he loved most. It was a future he never intended for himself but had always figured could be his redefinition of home. 
Buck sighs as he remembers the last time he saw his girlfriend—ex-girlfriend, he reminds himself bitterly—when she arrived at his loft with a hesitant knock. They have known each other for over a year and yet she still feels the need to knock, to wait for Buck to allow her in his space. His mind had immediately wandered to the mountains of times Eddie has let himself in, throwing himself on the couch before Buck can even realize what’s happening. Even Maddie, Bobby, and Hen know that they can go to Buck’s whenever and just… walk in. 
He had sighed when he opened the door to see her features turn immediately hesitant. It wasn’t like the night they got together, where he finally had someone chase after him, choose him after so many years of being pushed aside. She asked to come in and Buck opened the door. It was a little reminder that she didn’t belong there. Buck’s home wasn’t her home. 
When she explained why she was there, Buck knew they were on the same page, as they had a tendency to be. She had a long shift at work, full of fake smiles and heavy debates about her abilities as a reporter, and all she wanted to do was go home. Just as Buck had thought, home didn’t mean to Buck. He understood, he did, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. 
Buck had let himself consider what life could be like, starting a family, creating a home, and made the stupid mistake of savoring the small taste Taylor gave him, something to look forward to. Eddie had been so sure in their conversation the day before that he wasn’t ready for a ready-made family and Buck, at least the Buck he thought he was, would have been the first one to agree with him. 
But now? He finds himself dreaming of a future he thought he never wanted. 
He wants it to start now, though, and that’s the scariest thought Buck has ever had in his entire life. 
Every time Buck has found himself wanting too much, it’s always ripped away from him. He wanted parents that loved him so he tried his hardest to gain their attention with reckless stunts and impressive endeavors that most parents would be proud of, but they still don’t care. He wanted his sister to run away with him, but she chose Doug, and even though Buck now knows that there was a good reason for that, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. 
He wanted Abby. He wanted to be a better man for her, he was—is—a better man for having known Abby and for what she put him through, even if he didn’t deserve it. Then he wanted Ali but that was never going to be forever. When she left, he was only angry with himself for putting his job before his relationship with her, but that changed when he met Taylor. He finally felt as though he could have everything he wanted; the job, the relationship, the stability, the happiness. He could have everything, except for the thing he didn’t realize he wanted; home.
He glances over to his side table, bare except for a glass of water, a lamp he rarely ever uses, and a strip of photos. He smiles as he reaches for the memory, replaying the practically perfect day in his mind as he stares down at Christopher’s grinning face. 
The strip is from one of their first times at the zoo—one of many as Eddie reminded him earlier this week. Buck arrived at the Diaz house bright and early to surprise them with a trip to celebrate the end of Christopher’s school year. He had passed all of his classes and requested that Eddie have the teachers send Buck and Carla a copy of his report card. 
(Buck definitely didn’t cry when he received it in the mail, no matter what Eddie says.) 
They spent the entire day being mistaken for a couple with their bright and friendly son. Neither of them bothered to correct mere strangers but each time it happened, Buck felt his heart tighten in his chest. He loves Christopher more than he has ever loved another child so it was no skin off his back to live one day being Christopher’s father. 
At the end of the day, Buck had offered to buy Christopher whatever he wanted, ignoring Eddie’s ‘within reason’ request, but Christopher only wanted one thing; a memory. He tugged Buck and Eddie to the Photo Booth and pushed them inside before crawling onto their laps. They had to push themselves together in order to balance the kid on top of them and, it doesn’t show in the photo, but Buck remembers. He always remembers the days he spends with his two favorite people in the world. 
Buck had peered over at Eddie to see him smiling with all of his teeth, his eyes crinkled at the corners. It was a smile not everyone got to see and to this day, Buck feels lucky he’s been on the receiving end more times than he can count. That time, though, Eddie had glanced back at him and there was something in his eyes, a sparkle, a twinkle, a quick flash of maybe that Buck continues to dream about. 
Home flashes in his mind again and he tries not to yearn for it. He knows that he’s been kidding himself into believing he could get over Eddie, start a future with someone else when the Diazes were right there, just out of reach as they always seem to be. He tries not to let himself think of that instance at the zoo or the moments after when he thought maybe, just maybe, he has a chance. 
Admitting that to himself would mean that he wants it and what he wants, he goes after. Except for this time, the risk is too high for even Buck’s reckless self to consider. He went after Abby and she abandoned him. He went after Ali and he scared her away. He refused to go after Taylor and to his surprise, she came to him. But she left, too, like everyone always does. 
If he goes after Eddie, a few things could happen. One, Eddie doesn’t even like him back and it’s over before it even starts. That would hurt, but Buck thinks he could get through it. Two, if by some miracle Eddie does feel the same, he pulls away and takes Christopher with him. Three, Eddie freaks out by Buck’s revelation and Buck loses everything. 
Four, though? That might be the one that scares Buck the most because he has always set himself up for abandonment, to be used by the people he loves and discarded like expired goods, or for disaster to strike as has been his track record as long as he’s been alive. Four means that Eddie loves him back and he stays.  
And Buck’s just not sure what to do about that. 
The home he’s always tried to escape doesn’t seem so far away, the future he thought he had laid out for himself with the lowest expectation seems to brighten each and every time he thinks about it, and the family he never let himself dream of is right in front of him on the photo strip covering his heart. 
He’s not sure how much time passes while he’s lost in thoughts of hopes and dreams and futures, but he’s blasted back down to earth when his phone rings next to his ear. He thought he set it to emergencies only but maybe he was too immersed in self-pity and wonder to do even such a small thing right. When he sees Christopher’s name displayed on the screen, he answers as quickly as he can. 
“Chris? What’s wrong?” 
“There’s something wrong with dad,” he says simply but it’s the concern and emotion in his tone that has Buck racing down the stairs. “Are you coming?” Christopher asks like he already knows the answer. 
“Yeah, buddy, I’ll be home soon.”
-------------------------------------
Eddie doesn’t panic. At least, he never has before. But he stares over at Ana who has made his son enough muffins to keep him alive for weeks and took care of him during yet another disaster the city was forced to go through, and all he wants to do is kick her out. 
She’s talking. Eddie can hear her, but he isn’t paying attention. He feels guilty, his heart breaking a little more each time Christopher chimes in with his own joy and comfort. He hears her vague offer to make more food with Christopher, hears her talk about the dirty kitchen Eddie really doesn’t want to clean, and he speaks before he can think. 
“Maybe you should go home.”
He winces, if not for how crass the words sound falling from his lips then because of the way Ana’s face twists in confusion, disappointment. He tries to backtrack, explain that she’s been there for days, taking care of a home that isn’t hers, but even then it sounds harsh on his tongue. 
They move to the kitchen and Eddie can sense it in every move she makes, in the small crack in her voice and the sniffles she’s trying so hard to hold back. He shuts the door to make sure Christopher is protected. All he can think about is the fact that Buck was right. She knows. She knows that Eddie isn’t in love with her, thinks that maybe if she keeps herself busy being the housewife she believes Eddie wants that just maybe he’ll love her. 
He can’t and he knows it. She knows it. 
Eddie places a hand on her wrist to stop her from cleaning the dishes and says, “We need to talk.”
“Those four words,” Ana responds, staring up at Eddie with more confusion, hurt, acceptance in her eyes. 
“Maybe we should sit down?” Eddie offers. 
“Why? You’re fine.” Eddie’s eyebrows pull to the center of his forehead. “You’re not gonna pass out or anything, right? Your heart rate’s not going up?”
“What do you mean?” Eddie asks. 
“You know what I mean,” she responds. She’s too calm for what Eddie deserves. She should be screaming, crying, slapping him across the face. But she’s like stone, staring at him like a challenge. 
Then, like a bolt of lightning, it hits him. She knows. She really knows. More than Eddie thought, more than he’s given her enough credit for. Buck was right. He said, deep down you know it and it hurts worse than the truth. Eddie doesn’t want to hurt her, it’s the last thing he wants to do, but he shakes his head because that doesn’t matter anymore. He has hurt her and he’ll continue to hurt her if he keeps pretending. 
“I don’t want you to— to panic when you think about me. Or when you think about a future with me,” Ana explains. “I can’t— I can’t take that.” The not anymore goes unsaid but Eddie feels it, he knows deep inside that she’s been taking it, been sticking it out just as he has. 
“I thought it would work, I did,” he emphasizes when she shakes her head and looks at him in disbelief. “The idea of us…” 
Eddie stops himself. Buck’s words echo in his head again. That’s not how you talk about someone you’re in love with. Eddie knows it shouldn’t be an idea, a convenient plot he tries to follow until he reaches the end of the story. It’s not fair to either of them. And Ana doesn’t deserve to be a side character in his life. 
“Chris loves you so much,” Eddie begins and it causes a new flood of emotions to bubble in Ana’s eyes, “I just thought…”
“That eventually you would, too?” Ana guesses. But it’s not a guess. She says the words with sureness, a solidity that Eddie can’t bring himself to understand yet. 
“I should have said something sooner.” 
I should have talked to someone sooner, let someone in sooner, realized what was going on inside of my head sooner. 
“Yeah, you probably should have.” 
Eddie feels tears well but he can’t cry. He doesn’t deserve to after what he’s put Ana through. 
“Well, I’m— sorry. About the mess, but I guess it’s—” Ana stops herself, lets go of the muffin tins and towels she’s been holding onto like a lifeline. She stares up at Eddie. “I guess it’s your mess now. Right?”
She isn’t talking about the kitchen. She’s not talking about the obvious mounds of flour or the pieces of yolk that have glued themselves to the countertops. She’s not talking about the pile of dishes or the batter-covered aprons tossed neatly onto a kitchen chair. She’s talking about Eddie; his emotions, his health, his life.
Eddie is exactly that; a mess. 
“Yeah,” he responds, “I guess it is.” 
They stare at each other for a few moments. Eddie’s trying to figure out what he could possibly say to make things better. He feels his jaw tense and he blinks too rapidly to avoid tears that he won’t allow himself to shed until he knows Ana is home and Christopher is asleep. 
Without a word, Ana walks up to him. Eddie can’t help the way his body reacts and he braces for a smack, a punch, a fight that he doesn’t have left in him. Instead, she places her palm on his face, holding him more gently than he deserves. He leans into her touch, wants so badly for it to spark something inside of him, makes the pain and panic he’s been feeling dissipate into the love he’s tried so hard to find for her. 
“You’re—” Ana’s voice hitches like she’s holding back a sob. “You’re an amazing father.” At least that much Eddie knows. “I’m gonna… go say goodbye to him,” she says. She’s heartbroken and he can hear it in her voice. 
The tears she sheds aren’t for him and the future they could’ve had together, they’re for Christopher and the mother she could have been to him. She would have been the mother he deserved, the perfect next step from the mother he lost. Eddie hates himself the more she speaks but it’s not her fault. 
She says goodbye before kissing him on the cheek, but she isn’t done. She hesitates by his ear and Eddie can practically hear the contemplation in her audible gulp and held back emotion. 
“Déjate ser feliz.” 
Let yourself be happy. 
The words threaten to know Eddie off of his feet and he sways back and forth on his feet at their implication. Eddie isn’t sure if Ana realizes, if she understands what hearing those words means to him. He wonders if Ana knew all along that he was forcing himself into the happiness he had grown up with, that he had yearned for when he first met Shannon, first had Christopher. 
Eddie isn’t sure he understands the meaning of the words. He slides down the refrigerator door, unable to keep himself standing for a moment longer as he hears the tear-filled goodbye and sadness in his son and Ana’s hushed voices. He can’t think anymore so he listens. A door slams and he figures it’s Christopher’s by the familiar shutter of the picture frames on the shared wall. Another click and close and Eddie knows Ana is gone. 
Flashes light up behind his closed eyelids—of what life could be if he had just been what Ana wanted him to be, what Christopher needs him to be, what he’s spent his entire life trying to work toward. It’s blurry but it’s there. 
There’s a giant house painted orange with a wraparound porch leading to a view of a calm ocean. A golden retriever is sat by Christopher’s side as he plays in a fenced-in backyard. The weather is sunny and warm, Eddie can almost feel the breeze ghosting across his face and the sun beaming down on his skin. There’s chatter in the kitchen; of friends, family, people Eddie cares about, those that Christopher trusts and loves. 
Ana’s at the stove prepping her famous chili and there are muffins on the counter—chocolate chip, his favorite—that Chimney is sneaking over to Jee-Yun as a treat. There’s a game of badminton with Bobby and Michael on either side of the net with their children rooting for either side. Hen and Athena are picking the music at the stereo while Maddie dances around with Karen’s hand in hers. 
Where’s Buck? his mind supplies. 
Then the image clears. Buck’s on a ladder, balancing a can of orange paint underneath his arm and reaching for a spot that’s just out of his reach. Buck’s hammering a nail into a beam on the porch with arrows and bold letters pointing to the beach and to home. Christopher’s on Buck’s lap, clapping wildly as the golden retriever does what it does best and chases after the ball Buck helped Christopher throw. 
Eddie turns away because it’s too much, it’s all too much. 
But Buck’s at the stove with Bobby, testing whatever’s in the crockpot with his eyebrows pulled together. He’s slapping the muffin out of Chimney’s hand only to sneak it to Jee-Yun himself. He’s getting too into the game of badminton he’s playing against Michael, riling the kids up by flexing his muscles and shouting his lead.
The music plays loudly through Eddie’s mind, his favorite song to play on Sunday mornings when he, Buck, and Christopher make pancakes before their trip to the zoo. Buck’s reaching for Hen and Athena and pushing them into the arms of their partners before twirling Maddie into Chimney’s waiting embrace. The kids are in a circle, each joining in on their parent’s joy as Christopher tugs at his hand. 
“Dad?” He asks softly. He sounds confused, worried. It doesn’t match what he had just witnessed so Eddie looks down for a moment but Christopher is no longer there. 
When he glances back up, all he sees is darkness. He’s trapped again, like he always seems to be. He’s in a well, or— no, he’s in his own mind. Pain seers through his lungs, up his arm until it bleeds into his shoulder. He’s panicking. 
I don’t panic. It’s not a lie he tells himself any longer. 
He hears noises in the distance—Christopher’s laughter, his favorite song, the chatter of everyone he loves most in the world. Then he pushes through the pain inside and does what he does best. 
He fights. 
“Dad?” 
“Eddie?” 
He surges forward in search of the sounds of happiness and fun, the warmth that spreads through him when he thinks of the friends and family he has built. The ready-made family he was so scared to allow himself to have is just out of reach. 
When he finally opens his eyes, he meets the ocean. The soft blue of his future all wrapped up in the one person he hasn’t been allowing himself to love, that he hasn’t been allowing himself to think about since he saved Eddie, an action he’s had to do time and time again. The one constant in Eddie’s life and in Christopher’s. 
“Buck?”
-------------------------------------
He says the words before he realizes he’s not in his head any longer. Buck is in front of him and to prove it to himself, he reaches out and rests a hand on Buck’s cheek. He hasn’t shaved yet and after being at the station for a few days, his face is shadowed with scruff. His eyes—those bright blue eyes—are tired and worried. 
“I think you were having a panic attack,” Buck says. 
He brushes his hand against Eddie’s jaw gently before the back of it presses against Eddie’s forehead. His other hand has two fingers pressed against the pulse that’s probably racing in his neck and he’s glancing at his watch every few seconds. The hand on his forehead moves to his hair, stroking until it moves to inspect the back of his head for injury, Eddie guesses. 
“Keep breathing like that, slow and steady. How’s your heart? Any chest pains? Can you wiggle your fingers for me?”
“Buck, I’m fine,” Eddie reassures, letting out a laugh that he swears he tries to conceal. 
“I swear to God, Eddie, if you say you’re fine one more time, I’m going to—”
“You’re wearing orange,” Eddie notes. His hands are shaking when he brings one up to play with the string of Buck’s hoodie. “How do you feel about porches? Golden retrievers? Oceans?” Eddie asks. 
Buck pulls away only to look at him with wide eyes, concern prevalent in his gaze and the way his throat bobs when he swallows. 
“I think you hit your head,” Buck decides as he pulls out his phone. “I’m going to call Carla, see if she can come take care of Chris while I take you to the—”
“Can you sit? Just for a second. I need—” you, he wants to say. Instead, he corrects, “I need to breathe.” 
“Y-Yeah, okay,” Buck relents. 
He falls beside Eddie and grabs his hand, pressing his fingers against Eddie’s wrist to take his pulse again. Eddie’s still leaning back against the refrigerator and isn’t sure he’ll be able to completely turn toward Buck, so he angles his head so he can see Buck. Maybe then he’ll be able to think clearly. 
“I always wanted a big house,” Eddie begins. Buck is paying attention, glancing up at him in question, so Eddie continues. “My parents— We didn’t have a lot, but we had a roof over our head and food on the table. I told myself when I was a kid that I would find a wife, just like my mom, who would stay at home with the kids while I became some big hotshot Ferrari owning something who came home to my family and a big house.
“As I got older, the dream changed in an instant, like someone snapped an alternate reality of what my future could be into my mind. I remember Sophia and I finally being old enough to spend the night out in the treehouse our dad built for us. We were teenagers, so excited for independence and we talked about everything under the sun. We dreamed together about what our futures might look like. Hers was similar to mine; the big house with lots of kids, maybe a dog in the yard. But a husband to come home to.”
“Eddie, what does that—”
“That was the first time I realized I might never get the future I wanted.” 
Eddie takes a deep breath. He doesn’t realize there are tears falling down his cheeks until Buck brushes them away with his thumb. He still has a finger on Eddie’s pulse but his attention is on Eddie’s face. His eyebrows are pulled together in worry and his own eyes are shining with unshed tears. 
“I’m listening,” Buck urges. Eddie wonders if he knows, if he’s always known, or if he’s been through the same internal war Eddie’s been waging inside of himself since he was thirteen years old. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“When I met Shannon, I thought that maybe I could live the life my parents always dreamed of me. That was the next best thing, wasn’t it? To make my parents happy? I loved Shannon—I still love Shannon—but I ran away every chance I got. When she told me she was pregnant, every dream I kept locked up inside of myself that I could reach for when life was(got?) too hard, felt like shattered glass in my heart."
“I love Christopher,” Eddie says quickly, as if Buck had any doubts about the fact, “but I felt trapped. I felt like I was stuck in someone else’s dream and fated to never live out my own. And I accepted that,” Eddie admitted, with a gulp. “It took almost dying in Afghanistan to realize how lucky I was to have what I had with my wife and my son, but I accepted my future exactly as it had lined up for me.”
“You did what you thought you had to do,” Buck agrees, nodding. Eddie smiles softly at him. 
“I wouldn’t change a thing, you know. My choices, they gave me Christopher, they gave me the good times I had with Shannon. They led me here, but… I still felt trapped. Every day I was inside of myself pounding on a glass wall, begging myself to put together the pieces that shattered when Christopher was born. Then Shannon left… and came back… and left again and— even though the pieces were glued back together and I could work toward the dream I always wanted, I—”
“You were scared,” Buck says, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of Eddie’s hand now. 
“I’m scared every day, Buck. I’m scared to leave Christopher without the mother he deserves and to be lonely for the rest of my life. I’m scared of losing my son to his disability or some accident I’ll have no control over, I’m scared of being trapped in a well or caught in a fire or being shot in the street.” 
Buck flinches at the comment and grips tighter to Eddie’s hand. 
“I’m scared that I’ll have lived my entire life living dreams that everyone else made for me and never given myself the opportunity to—”
His breath hitches on a sob. There’s no sadness in his heart or regret in his mind. There’s fear in every inch of his body, but Buck is there and that’s enough for him to keep going. It always has been. 
“I thought Ana could be my dream. The big house with a wraparound porch and a golden retriever by Christopher’s side, guiding him to be the best man a kid can grow into, with Ana holding my hand through it all. But that wasn’t fair to her and what you said,” he glances at Buck again, “was true. I wasn’t talking about her like she was the person I loved. I was kidding myself, hiding away in the walls of an abandoned building and hoping no one would ever see what I dreamed. That they would never know the truth.” 
“I’m here, Eddie. I’m listening and I’m not going anywhere.” 
Eddie knows that. He knows that Buck isn’t going anywhere because Buck is the future that he always dreamed of. 
“I still dream of a big house, one that’s accessible to Christopher now, that will make it easier for him to get around. The wraparound porch has a ramp to make it easy for him and the dog is trained to be his companion. I still have a job that I love, saving the lives of who knows how many people with the best team by my side.”
“You mean me, right?” Buck jokes, pressing his shoulder into Eddie’s. 
“Yes, I mean you.” Eddie can’t help but smile. “But you’re so much more than that, Buck,” Eddie says sternly. 
He makes sure Buck is looking at him when he speaks again by pressing his palm against his scruffy jaw, reveling in the masculine and familiar feeling of comfort that Buck has always provided him. 
“I told you that I wasn’t ready for a family that wasn’t just Christopher and I, but I lied.” Buck’s eyes widen as Eddie leans forward and rests their foreheads together. He closes his eyes and reminds himself to breathe before he continues. “I am willing to accept that ready-made family, but only if it’s with you.” 
He can’t bring himself to open his eyes, but he feels the way Buck’s eyebrows shoot up, hears the hitch in his steady breathing, and winces at the grip Buck has on his wrist. But he isn’t pulling away, isn’t panicking the way Eddie expects him to, the way Eddie had at the sheer misunderstanding that Ana was his family. 
“What are you saying, Eddie?” 
“I’m not good with words, you know that. I’m better at actions, at grand gestures, at cryptic sarcasm.” Buck lets out a huff of laughter through what sounds like tears. “I’ve dreamed of my future for so long, a future that I couldn’t have—or wouldn’t let myself have. I was so busy being lost in the sadness of a dream I let go that I didn’t realize I was already living it. With you.”
Eddie pulls all of the strength, courage, and bravery he spent years building up, to open his eyes. Buck’s staring at him in awe, tears bubbling down to his cheeks and happiness pouring from every inch of him. 
Let yourself be happy, Ana had said. 
So that’s exactly what Eddie does. 
He leans in and the hopes and dreams that settled so far back in his mind that he let himself forget they existed for far too long burst to the forefront like an explosion of everything good in the world. Buck’s lips move against his, hesitant and unsure, but Eddie doesn’t blame him for that. Instead, he pushes every ounce of pure unbridled happiness and certainty he can muster into the kiss, hoping Buck understands that everything they’ve been through has led them to this moment. 
The moment where Eddie realizes that his dreams don’t have to be pushed aside anymore because they’re right in front of him. Buck is everything that he has ever dreamed of and more.
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oneweirdcryptid · a month ago
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**UPDATE** Heart of Flowers / Heart of Gold by @elvensorceress
Summary: Buck turns to Maddie for advice while Taylor and Eddie have a confrontation.
Read on AO3
It's the second to last chapter! Go show Jenwyn some love!
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annabethwrites · 2 months ago
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Complete // Teen Rating // 2.6k Part of Z to A Series
zephyr • noun • a soft gentle breeze
Or a post s2 fic where Buck gets out of the city for a few days and he’s not alone.
READ ON AO3
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sadieyuki · 2 months ago
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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: 9-1-1 (TV) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) Characters: Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Howie "Chimney" Han, May Grant (9-1-1 TV), Maddie Buckley Additional Tags: Love Confessions, Dying love confessions, Oxygen Bar, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Protective Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Possessive Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Established Relationship, I know it says dying love confessions but MCD is intentionally not tagged, Buck will be fine, Oxygen High, 911 Bingo Summary:
“I can’t die without telling you that I love you.”
A pin could’ve dropped in the silence that followed and it would’ve blown out the eardrums of everyone in the vicinity. Well, it would have if not for the din of the bar around them. It actually wasn’t all that quiet now that Eddie thought about it.
Eddie could feel the gaze of everyone on him, waiting for him to respond to Buck’s declaration. Eddie truly didn’t understand how the night had gotten to this moment in time.
9-1-1 Bingo Masterpost
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me-buddie · 3 months ago
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Heyyy guys! 🧡
Any buddie or tarlos fanfiction for me? (Multichapters preferred) 🤔 I want to reaaad but I feel like I've seen everything 😱
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oatflatwhite · 8 days ago
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i rambled in the tags here and here so this. certainly is a fic i have written.
*
Buck is warm under Eddie’s hands, and tastes like the chili they’d made for dinner—abuela’s recipe Eddie normally wasn’t allowed to even touch. When he’d told her Buck was coming over to help make it, though, the tone of her voice had softened, and it sounded like she was smiling on the other end of the line. “I’ll text him the recipe,” she’d said, and maybe it should’ve been strange, Eddie’s grandma texting his best friend, but it wasn’t because he knew they did already—about abuela’s cutworm problem, and the daytime soap the two of them watched that no one else in their lives could stand. Buck had put Eddie on chopping duty, standing close enough the warmth of him seeped through the denim they were both wearing, Eddie in his nicest jeans, a clothing choice he’d tried not to read too much into when he’d made it.
That warmth now feels tenfold, hundredfold—Buck is pressed to him, wrist to wrist, hip to hip, thigh to thigh, arching into Eddie’s body where he has him boxed in against the refrigerator. “If we don’t soak the pot,” Buck gasps, when Eddie pulls away, marvelling at the feel of stubble burn around his mouth, “it’ll stick.”
Eddie’s skin feels raw, on fire. Buck’s eyes are dark, pupils blown, and his birthmark looks cherry red—a bullseye. Eddie kisses it; trails his mouth down, temple, cheekbone, dimple, jaw. Feels, more than sees, Buck’s eyes flutter closed; the way his arms come around Eddie, cling to the fabric of his henley at his waist, desperately clutching for purchase. He finds Buck’s lips; chases the way the kiss makes him feel until Buck is opening, opening, opening to him, a flower turned toward the sun. He pulls back, the wet sound almost obscene, and rests his forehead to Buck’s, panting. There’s sweat at the backs of his knees. “Let it stick,” he says, and kisses Buck again, pressing him closer to the fridge, up and against the cool stainless steel that does nothing to alleviate the heat coursing through Eddie’s body.
Buck moans beneath him, pulling Eddie in by the hips, and does something with his tongue that makes him shiver. Eddie presses closer, closer still, shifting so the handle isn’t digging into Buck’s back and as they move, the magnets fall from the fridge, clattering somewhere out of sight. Eddie doesn’t care. Eddie is so far beyond caring he thinks if he tried it would fry a neuron in his brain but Buck—Buck is pushing at his hips, his shoulders. Eddie pulls back with a wounded sound.
“The magnets,” Buck says, and he sounds winded, and Eddie, Eddie did that. His eyes are still dark and heavy but he smiles, silly, stupid; brushes the careful pad of his thumb against the bone beneath Eddie’s eye. “You know they’re Christopher’s favourite.” He pushes Eddie back a little further and crouches down, collecting the colourful figures from the floor, even the one that’s disappeared all the way down the space between the cupboards and the dishwasher, reaching into the gap up to his shoulder to retrieve it. He emerges, victorious, and stands, securing the magnets back to the fridge in the circle Chris had arranged them in.
Eddie has a hand over his mouth. “What?” Buck laughs, and his ears have gone almost as red as his mouth. Eddie shakes his head.
“Nothing,” he says. “I love you.”
The blush spreads like a tide across Buck’s nose and cheeks, already crinkled from his smile. “Oh, well, if that’s all.” He shifts from foot to foot. “Look, I might as well just soak the pot.”
Eddie nods, steps to the side. Watches Buck place the pot, already scraped clean, into the sink and flick the water on, adding detergent. He grabs the sponge and gives the stovetop a once over, careful to scoop the crumbs into his palm and not on the floor. He washes his hands under the stream of water then shuts it off, drying them on the tea towel by the sink.
“Now we’ve got that sexy bit of housework out the way,” and he’s barely finished the sentence before Eddie’s kissing him again, pressed up against the counter this time, mindful of the magnets. Buck takes the hint and boosts himself up into a seat, Eddie’s hands finding purchase in the thick, corded muscle of his thighs that he thinks he might die from if he ever touches the bare skin there. “I was,” Buck gasps, tilting his head back, “kidding about the sexy—Eds—housework, you know.”
Eddie kisses the bob of his throat as he swallows. “Sure you were.”
“Really?” When Eddie glances up Buck’s squinting at him. “Housework’s what gets you going? Want me to put on some rubber gloves? Maybe a maid’s—” He hums into Eddie’s mouth, looping his arms around the back of his neck and toying with the sweat-damp hair there. The kiss is still warm but slower, more tender; when Eddie rocks back on his heels he kisses the tip of Buck’s eyebrow. Buck’s eyes flutter open and he looks at Eddie, fond, the way he’s been looking at him for years. “That wasn’t a ‘no’ to the maid’s outfit.”
“That was a ‘Buck, please stop talking and just kiss me already’.”
“Since you asked nicely,” Buck smiles, the asshole, and does just that.
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buddiefanfiction · a day ago
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The Ghosts That You Haunt by JessicaMDawn​​ Complete | Teen Rating | 11.1k
The first time Evan Buckley died, he was ten.
"Apparently that won me a ticket to ghost town, because I've been seeing them ever since."
Buck can see the recently dead. It's not as glamorous as people might think.
Recommend a Fic Masterlist of Recommended Fics
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Here, have some technophobe!Eddie to brighten your day:
“Tell me you didn’t.”
“The damn thing was spouting off my home address! What was I supposed to do, Buck?!”
“Not take a frying pan to it! Eddie, what the hell?!”
They mirrored each other, arms crossed and deeply disturbed expressions on their faces, but for different reasons. Eddie, at the prospect of Hildy finding out all his personal information by spying on him through the coffee maker in his kitchen. Buck, at the concept of Eddie destroying said coffee maker by whacking it to death with a frying pan.
“I had to take drastic measures before it got ahold of my social security number! Or worse! What if it found out the name of Christopher’s school?! It’s always eavesdropping on our conversations, you know? Listening to every little thing we let slip while still half asleep and eating bowls of cereal. It’s taking advantage of us in our most unsuspecting moments!”
“Do you hear yourself right now? You’ve gone absolutely batshit.”
“This is your fault. I never wanted the thing in the first place, Buck.”
“Well then you can be the one to break the news to Christopher that you destroyed this wonderful machine that we so kindly gifted you.”
Eddie’s frustrated features broke for a brief moment, considering for the first time that Buck might not be the only one mad at him over this. Chris was quite fond of carrying on conversations with Hildy before school every morning.
“And how am I supposed to have the energy to drive to work every morning without a cup of coffee first. Huh, Eds? I’m going to be useless.”
“You do realize that you still have an apartment with your very own coffee maker, right?”
And that observation really seemed to stump Buck because… how many days had it been since he’d even bothered stopping by to check up on his own loft?
“If this was your way of telling me you need some space, then I have to say it was a bit overdramatic and unnecessary, Eddie.”
“What? I’m not saying that at all, Buck. I just can’t sleep in peace with this godforsaken thing in my house.”
“I dunno, you seemed pretty conked out after our activities last night.”
“I hate you.”
“You don’t.”
“Sometimes I wish I did. It would be easier.”
Buck was still smirking at him, knowing full well that there was no malice behind Eddie’s words. “Oh? It’s hard to love me, is it?”
“When you buy me gifts with a mind of their own? Yes.”
“How about this… I’ll forgive you if you agree to take me through the Starbuck’s drive through on our way to work from now on.”
“Or… you could just move in and bring along your coffee maker with you, provided it’s not connected to the Hildy network.”
Buck’s eyes went soft for a moment and then crinkly around the edges as he smiled down at Eddie. “Don’t worry. It’s a good old fashion stone age coffee maker. Just to your liking.”
“Good,” Eddie told him with a satisfied nod.
“Did you really mean that?”
“What?”
“That you want me to move in with you and Chris?”
“I would have asked you three months ago if I thought there was a chance of you saying yes.”
“Eddie, I would have moved in with you three years ago if I thought you would let me.”
They shared a laugh, both amused at their mutual idiocy. Buck uncrossed his arms and reeled Eddie in, crushing him in the most comforting embrace. Eddie automatically tilted his chin up, expecting a kiss from his boyfriend out of habit more than anything. Buck could hardly hug him like this without sealing their mouths together as well.
“Will you help me get rid of the evidence?” Eddie asked eventually, after they’d swayed together in the kitchen for far too long. If the remnants of Hildy’s corpse were still there when Chris got home from school, Eddie dreaded the consequences.
“You’re the only person I’d help dispose of a body,” Buck promised.
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elvensorceress · 21 days ago
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ElvenSorceress Writings
Fandoms/Pairings Include: 
Buddie of 911
Chad/Ryan of HSM
TonyStark/BruceBanner and ClintBarton/NatashaRomanoff of MCU
Athelnar of Vikings
SilverFlint and Thomas/James of Black Sails
Emma/Regina and Hook/Milah of Once Upon a Time
Fandom: 911
*Heart of Flowers/Heart of Gold - Buck/Eddie - rated: Mature - 137K - complete
Summary: In the aftermath of the sniper attack, both Buck and Eddie follow their hearts to choose the family they've made and bring to life the happily ever after they’ve been longing for
*Reset the Clock - Buck/Eddie - rated: Mature - 4K - complete-ish? / sequel(s?) coming soon
Summary: Early s2, Buck is struggling with Abby relationship feelings and newly divorced Eddie asks for help figuring out his sexuality. 
*My Heart’s Been Borrowed - Buck/T , Buck/Eddie - rated: Explicit - 25K - complete
Summary: Early s5, T*ylor gives Buck his ultimate fantasy and unintentionally stirs up his long held feelings for Eddie [side note, you can totally skip the first chapter and start on ch2 where it’s just Buck and Eddie getting together if B/T bothers you. It’s definitely not my favorite XD that’s not the point of this. Angst and pining however... ]
*Sunrise - Buck/Eddie - rated: General - 1.3K - complete
Summary: Post break up, Eddie asks Buck to come home. [the 5x03 episode coda we all deserve]
*Starved - Buck/Eddie - rated: General - 2.3K - complete 
Summary: He’d give anything to have a life like theirs. A partner and child. A committed relationship. Love. What does it even mean to be loved? Will it ever be something he gets to have? [episode coda for 5x04 - Home and Away]
short Tumblr prompts and ask box games
*You have to eat something - Buck/Eddie - rated: General
*I want to wreck you - Buck/Eddie - rated: Explicit 
*Everything is Fine - implied Buck/Eddie - rated: General
*I know it hurts - Buck/Eddie - rated: General
Fandom: Black Sails
*Not All Treasure - Silver/Flint, Thomas/James - rated: Explicit - currently 85K - WIP
Summary: Silver's been captivated by Flint since the moment they met, and Flint craves reprieve from his loneliness and broken heart. Their intense attraction becomes one sexual encounter after another, but their drive for Spanish gold pits them against the crew and close brushes with death remind them that all they have is each other. [Or, canon as we know it if Flint and Silver were in a sexual relationship shortly after meeting.]
*Complementary - Thomas/James, Miranda/Thomas/James - rated: General - 2.5K - complete
Summary: When a swirl of green appeared on his left wrist, he stared at it and couldn’t breathe. It looked like script but not words he knew. They crossed the veins in his skin, and he traced the lines and memorized the shapes and pattern. But how could he know who bore a matching tattoo? [soulmate AU, platonic and romantic]
*Iceberg - Silver/Flint - rated: General - 1.3K - complete
Summary: Dr. Howell tends to Silver after his amputation and finds their captain unexpectedly shaken.
*Sea Longing - Silver/Flint - rated: General - 5K - complete
Summary: He's in love with the ocean. He belongs to the sea. Without the moon, the ocean is still. Every day, he regrets, mourns, and feels the absence. [mythic, metaphorical, fairy tale style]
*Painless - Silver/Flint - rated: Mature - 2.6K - complete
Summary: After Silver kills Dufresne, Flint finds him and comforts him while Silver philosophizes on the nature of their relationship. [set during 3x07]
*Shadows and Phoenix - Silver/Flint - rated: Teen - 8K - complete
Summary: The war for Nassau has been fought and lost by all. Long John Silver is tasked with delivering the final hit to ensure it never lives again — killing the man who was once everything to him. Flint must find the man inside the monstrous legend and bring him back to life.
*Every Star that’s Ever Fallen - Silver/Flint - rated: Explicit - 1.7K - complete
Summary: For all the terrifying, rough and violent nature he possessed, Flint was gentler than Silver expected. His touch was careful as he unfastened Silver’s trousers and tugged them down. A ripple of unpleasant queasiness churned his stomach. He didn’t want it to. He didn’t want to think of anything but how Flint desired him. But even he had a hard time looking at what was left of him. [set post 3x06]
Fandom: MCU / Avengers 
*Myogenic Contractions of the Cardiac Cycle (aka Bannerella) - Tony Stark/Bruce Banner - rated: Explicit - currently 204K - WIP
Summary: One magical night at a science conference, Bruce meets the incredibly charming, famous, handsome Tony Stark. They end up falling hard for each other but unable to have any more than that single night before Bruce disappears and leaves Tony longing and searching for the mysterious runaway physicist who loved him. [Or the one where Bruce is Cinderella]
*Broken Arrows - Clint Barton/Natasha Romanoff - rated: Teen - 750 - complete
Summary: Post Winter Soldier, Natasha contemplates the way she grew up and, with the fall of SHIELD and revelation of all her secrets, she wonders where her partner's loyalties lie. [side note: this was written and posted before Wh*don retconned MCU Clintasha 😒]
Fandom: High School Musical (the movies)
*Boy Disease - Chad Danforth/Ryan Evans - rated: Teen - 72K - complete
Summary: While all of Chad and Ryan’s friends are paired off and (seemingly) happy and heterosexual, they are drawn to each other and share a close, affectionate relationship. To break free of the trappings of high school comphet, Chad has to come to terms with his feelings for Ryan and his own sexuality. 
*Status Quo - Chad Danforth/Ryan Evans, Taylor McKessie/Kelsi Nielsen - rated: Teen - 8K - complete
Summary: Chad does not have a secret obsession, but Ryan has always been on his mind. - A character study of Chad Danforth, his denial and subsequent journey of discovering identity. 
*Over You - Zeke Baylor/Sharpay Evans - rated: Explicit - 1.8K - complete
Summary: “Maybe I got tired of waiting. Maybe I'm over you. If you want cookies, you can buy them." [written for Porn Battle VII]
Fandom: Vikings
*Everlasting - Ragnar/Athelstan - rated: General - 2.3K - complete 
Summary: Ragnar longs for his ever after. [includes character deaths and afterlife]
*No Other Place - primarily Ragnar/Athelstan - rated: Teen - 5K - complete
Summary: Five people Athelstan almost gave his heart to, and the one he did.
Fandom: Once Upon a Time
It Creates Magic - Emma/Regina - rated: Explicit - 5.9K - complete
Summary: Maybe if she can touch Regina, the magic will flow through her. Maybe it can heal her wounds. Maybe it can prove that changing is worth it and that it means something. Emma has no clue how or why it makes any sense, but it does. She lifts both hands and slides them up Regina's arms. [Missing scene for 2x12]
Orpheus of the Sea - Hook/Milah - rated: Teen  - 2.9K - complete
Summary: He had been a musician once, but she loved it best when it was his voice that carried the melody. Others had always been entranced by him, whether by his charm, talent, or looks, but he was awestruck by her. She was fierce and strong, but she was breaking. He knew loneliness. He knew being told you were inferior and worthless. He knew being lost and unloved. She wore all of it like vivid scars, like unyielding, crushing chains. [Millian as Orpheus and Eurydice]
Heartless - Hook/Milah - rated: Teen - 5.5K - complete
Summary: Milah is suffocating until she meets a presumptuous handsome pirate. 
My AO3 page - there are a few more old and random fics on here but the best ones IMO are linked above
[Note that I currently have two HUGE series that I’m working on. Have been working on for years. Neither of them are abandoned, I just have to take breaks and work on other things because they’re both so long and involved. But Bannerella is currently at a good place. Not All Treasure just needs me to finish out the rest of the s2 chapters. At some point, I’ll get to them!]
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thatnerdemryn · 23 days ago
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All Too Well
Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: General Contains spoilers from season 5 episode 2: Desperate Times
Summary: “Is that enough?”
Buck spits the words right back, more venom that Eddie could have tried to muster. He doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t. If anything, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay the second Ana’s name lingered between them.
But he does.
Because if that’s enough for Eddie, why doesn’t he love Buck?
Or a look inside Buck's head during their panic attack talk.
(read on ao3)
Buck has never been one to hesitate before talking to his best friend, but he sees Eddie with an arm over his face, lying down for the first time since Ana and Christopher left, and his feet feel like they’re stuck to the floor. 
He takes a few deep breaths, preparatory, anxiety-reducing, reminders that he’s breathing and that his best friend is hurting. He’s the one to make things better, to get Eddie through everything, so why is he hesitating? 
“Hey, are you sleeping or just pretending?” 
He knows the answer but is grateful when Eddie actually speaks. 
“I was actually trying to until you interrupted.”
Sarcasm, that’s— good. Buck isn’t sure when sass and thinly veiled annoyance became good but he isn’t about to overthink it like he has been for the last hour. 
“I’m exhausted,” Buck offers. He thinks that maybe if he shares something small, Eddie might be willing to give in return. “Uh, how are you feeling?” 
Buck knows the answer to this question, too, and he finds himself secretly hoping Eddie answers in sarcasm so he can truly convince himself that things are okay, that his hesitation was unwarranted.
“Hot,” Eddie drawls, “I’m sweating out of places I didn’t know I could.”
Well, Buck did ask for sarcasm. He didn’t expect the glint of arousal to strike through him like lightning, though. 
Or the quick jolt of panic as he rakes his eyes over Eddie’s body for nothing other than symptoms, an indication of what might be wrong because, for the first time since he’s met Eddie, he doesn’t know.  
“Not like a cold sweat though, right? Any chest pains?” 
Buck yearns to reach out, to feel Eddie’s pulse in his wrist, press a palm over his forehead to check for a fever. Hell, he would go grab a blood pressure cuff and EKG monitor from the ambulance if Hen and Chim wouldn’t yell at him. Buck considers it more than he should because he needs to know that Eddie’s really okay before he drives himself crazy. 
Eddie just stares, unimpressed. 
“You don’t give up, do you?” 
Nope, Buck thinks, though he wouldn’t risk saying it out loud. After a long exasperated sigh, Eddie relents, “I’m fine, Buck.” Like Buck is actually supposed to believe him or something. 
“People who are fine don’t go and see cardiologists,” Buck responds. 
He’s clutching the clipboard in his lap a little too tight and he feels it. The way his knuckles burn, the way his fingertips crease the papers he’s been pretending to focus on all day. He hopes Eddie doesn’t notice. He hopes that he does.
Because Eddie is a lot of things, but he isn’t oblivious. That oblivious. Buck sighs. 
“You need to tell me if something is wrong,” Buck finally says. 
It’s not a request, it’s an order. One that he’s not sure Eddie will follow, but one that he hopes will get the point across. 
Because Buck is scared.  
He’s been terrified ever since Eddie’s blood splattered all over his face, since he watched the nurses shove a tube down his throat and make no promises. Since Eddie sat beside him, alive and well, and trusted him with the most important thing in his life—in Buck’s life. 
That fear has only risen ever since he saw the way Ana smiled up at him during his welcome home and the way Eddie grinned right back, the smile Buck had too long convinced himself was his own. How comfortable she looked mixed in with his family, the family Buck started to consider his. 
He’s scared because he’s never felt so much, so strongly for another person since— No, that’s not right. He’s never felt this way about anyone . 
Eddie isn’t just another person to destroy him, another partner to tell lies and fall away. He isn’t going to be replaced in Eddie’s life just because he has someone else, someone who might know what’s going on in his head and doesn’t have to demand an answer. 
Eddie is different, he always has been. And Buck has to hold onto that. 
He does even when Eddie speaks again. 
“It was a panic attack, not a heart attack,” Eddie sighs as he sits up. Buck knows he’s irritated but he can’t bring himself to care. He has always mildly irritated Eddie, why should this time be any different?
Actually, he finds himself gripping even tighter at the clipboard—at hope— when Eddie admits to it. 
Panic. Of all the things Buck thinks Eddie is going to say, panic isn’t one of them. 
“Since when do you panic?” 
Then he considers the number of times he’s woken up in sweat-soaked sheets that felt too much like Eddie’s blood and tears in his eyes that he can’t seem to wipe away fast enough as they burn his cheeks. The pain of his sobs that still tear through him when he remembers the lost look on Eddie’s face in the firetruck, asking if Buck was okay like it mattered. The feeling of failure when Christopher’s hand patted softly at his shoulder.  
“That’s what I said.”
Something flashes in Eddie’s eyes that looks like surprise, realization, but Buck pushes it aside. He can’t cling to hope too tightly. He knows how that works out for him in the end. 
“I don’t panic,” Eddie huffs and then exhales, “except I did.” 
“Okay, well, what triggered it?” Buck lists off the reasons for his own panic, expecting a match, but Eddie doesn’t stop him to agree. 
He stops him to argue and it isn’t what Buck expects. 
“That wasn’t it,” Eddie interrupts exasperatedly. “If I’m being honest with myself, I—”
When has Eddie ever been dishonest with himself? 
“I think it was Ana.” 
Ana. The name that spirals in Buck’s mind too often when he has to remind himself that Eddie isn’t his. The name that only passes his lips drenched in sarcasm or malice or a thin veil of hope when he doesn’t think too much about what he is saying. 
The name that sparks nerves, anxiety, fear, dread, confusion— 
Panic. 
“Uh,” Buck stutters, hoping his heart beating out of his chest isn’t obvious, “I thought things were great with Ana.” 
He watched Eddie kiss her on the cheek during her surprise visit, watched as Christopher hoped out loud for a new mom, a wife for his father. Sure, he didn’t react exactly how Buck had expected, but he didn’t seem to panic. 
Or he did and Buck was too focused on his own misery to truly see it.
“She’s been a godsend through all of this, staying with Christopher, but… I think that’s what’s causing the panic.” 
He sounds so sure, so confident that there couldn’t be anything else, which is the Eddie that Buck remembers. Buck isn’t sure it’s the Eddie he wants to see at this moment, though. He wants to see Eddie happy, Eddie making plans for his future, Eddie beaming at the thought of being in love with a perfect person, the one that Ana seems to be. He wants Eddie to feel the joy that comes from spending time with him, the way Buck does. 
“Somehow we became a ready-made family and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” 
He says the other word that haunts Buck’s nightmares. 
Buck always thought he knew what family meant, what family was supposed to be, then his parents stopped caring. Then Maddie left and he was all alone. He thought he had found his family at the one-eighteen soon after and he was happy. God, was he happy, for the first time since he could remember. 
Then he met Eddie. 
Then he met Christopher. 
How defines his family is a little cloudy now. 
“So what are you gonna do?” 
And isn’t that the question of the day, the minute, the seconds that he spends gripping onto the clipboard in front of him to keep his hands from reaching, comforting, desiring. 
Eddie shakes his head. 
“I’m just gonna stick it out. Ana’s been the first woman I’ve wanted to spend this much time with since Shannon…”
“Stick it out?” 
Buck flashes back to his own attempt at sticking it out. Convincing himself that eventually, Eddie will realize what they mean to each other. His plans to stick it out even if it meant he wouldn’t be as happy as he could be, had pretended he deserved to be. He was going to stick it out because he would have Eddie in whatever way he could. 
“That’s not how you talk about someone you’re in love with.”
Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Eddie anymore. 
“My kid loves her,” Eddie shoots back, heat in his voice that doesn’t match the worry on his face. 
Buck’s not sure if he’s talking to himself or Buck anymore. 
“Is that enough?” 
Buck spits the words right back, more venom that Eddie could have tried to muster. He doesn’t mean to. He really doesn’t. If anything, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay the second Ana’s name lingered between them. 
But he does. 
He wants to grab Eddie’s shoulders, shake them until his brain wobbles into sense, kiss him and mutter the words back to him a million times over. 
Because if that’s enough for Eddie, why doesn’t he love Buck?
Is that enough? Is that enough for you to love me back? Is that enough for you to spend the rest of your life with me instead? For me to stop pretending anyone else is going to be a better fit for me than you? 
Because I love your kid more than anyone in the world, Eddie, and if that’s enough, then… 
Why not me?
Eddie’s silent for a moment too long, a second prolonged into a minute, that might have lasted forever if Buck didn’t break it. 
“Eddie, I’ve been Ana. I know what it’s like to be in love with someone who’s not all the way in.”
He thinks of his parents first. Then he thinks of Abby. Even Ali flashes through his tired mind. 
But nothing lingers like Eddie. Nothing has ever lingered like Eddie. 
“Deep down you know it and it hurts. It hurts worse than the truth.” 
Buck’s lived through a lot of truths. His parents creating him for spare parts, Abby leaving him and not looking back, Ali unable to handle the one thing he loves most in the world— loved most in the world, past tense because there are two things, two people , that have that title now. 
He’s lived through being in love with his best friend, his best friend’s family, his best friend’s son. He knows what it’s like to hold onto that hope that maybe, just maybe, someone won’t abandon him, someone won’t think he’s not enough. He has held onto the hope that someone loves him—not in the way he wants, but loves him just the same. 
Briefly he wonders if knowing Eddie doesn’t love him back would hurt more than not knowing. 
Buck shakes his head instead of saying any of his thoughts out loud. 
“So if you don’t wanna hurt Ana, you owe it to her to be honest.” 
Buck isn’t sure whether he’s talking to himself or to Eddie. 
“It just feels like a lot, man.” 
And Buck? He knows the feeling all too well. 
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mysticalrainkisses · 9 months ago
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Can someone pretty please write a Buddie fic with the song Hurts So Good by Astrid S as the inspiration?
Like a very torn/back and forth relationship? Where it’s complicated and tense and they both don’t want to admit they need/like each romantically.
Has this been done yet?? If yes please let me know the name?!!
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yelkcubnave · a year ago
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Eddie was kneeling in the bathtub, a towel under his knees and another under his hands, his head turned as he craned his neck to watch Buck working. The younger boy swirled the spoon around in the over-large bowl before tapping it against the rim and laying it on the counter.
"You know it'll cool down a little once I get it in the bag, but is that good?" Buck bent over next to the tub so Eddie could slowly dip two fingers into the bowl, nodding once.
"It's fine." Buck nodded again, reaching out to stroke Eddie's hair before standing back up and returning to the sink, where all of the equipment was spread out. The hook was already hanging from the shower curtain so Buck could hang the bag as soon as it was full.
"Go ahead and take the plug out, baby." His voice was soft, gentle. "And start with your fingers."
It was the gentlest of their "darker" interludes. No name-calling or hair pulling or punishments for noises of pain. It hurt enough on it's own, was degrading enough on it's own, Buck didn't need to add anything to that.
Buck felt a small tremor run through his body as he heard the soft moan coming from the bathtub, knew the other boy had just extracted the plug. He glanced up at the mirror, watching the boy set the glass plug on the edge of the tub next to the bottle of lubricant. Eddie picked up the bottle, desperate to fill himself as he opened it, dripping some of the lubricant onto his fingers and rubbing them. It was cold to the initial touch, but warmed up as his fingers moved.
"You're so fucking hot like that, baby," Buck purred, from the sink where the bag was nearly half full. "Now, go ahead."
Eddie flushed warm from the compliment, his wrist sliding down along his waist, hipbone, the curve of his ass. And then his fingers were poised, resting against his entrance before pressing in. He was already loose from the plug so it was an easy intrusion. He didn't even bother with more lubricant before pressing a third finger in, moaning outright at the stretch. He started as he heard the click from Buck hanging the bag. "Already?"
"Don't sound so disappointed," the boy chided softly. "You can keep your fingers in for a second." He almost added a soft 'slut', but stopped himself. Buck leaned down, reaching for the bottle of lubricant, letting himself hover over Eddie for a moment, his breath tickling the back of the boy's neck.
"Just think about everything I'll do after," he whispered before straightening back up and slicking lube across the tip of the nozzle and his own fingers.
"Okay." Eddie whined, but slowly pulled his fingers out anyway. He wasn't empty for longer than a few seconds, Buck’s fingers immediately sliding over his opening before pressing in, then pulling out to press in the tip of the nozzle.
"Breathe," he murmured, fingers running down the boy's spine. "I'm going to now, okay?"
"Wait," Eddie choked out.
"I'm going to now," Buck repeated, voice a little harder this time. "You're fine." He kept his fingers running along the boy's spine as he loosened the clamp.
Eddie bit his bottom lip, moaning as he felt the first rush of the warm milk sliding into his body. The beginning of the enema was always like Buck's fingers were now, smooth and soft almost. The cramps would come soon enough, but Buck's fingers would still be the same.
When they started, one of Eddie's hands flew up to his stomach and Buck stopped the flow without a word, letting the other boy massage his abdomen to ease the pain. "Just tell me."
"Okay," Eddie whispered, his hand still on his stomach. Buck loosed the clamp again and Ryan felt the warmth continuing to enter his body. He continued to try to massage away the dull ache of the cramps as he felt his stomach slowly begin to expand from the amount of liquid he'd taken.
"Stop," he choked out again. He wasn't supposed to ask how much, but he was desperate to know. He'd felt like he'd taken half already, but he knew it was probably more like a quarter of the bag. "Buck?" he asked, voice close to cracking. "I-I . . . Bucky." His voice was weak.
"You're doing great, baby." The boy leaned down, letting soft kisses feather along Eddie's lower back. "So good."
The tears were starting to build up. Eddie could feel them in his chest, waiting there, another ache in his body "I don't. . . . I . . ." He let his head fall forward, trying to slow his breathing, trying to focus on Buck's fingers instead of the liquid inside him.
"Okay," he whispered, voice cracking as the first tears slid down his cheeks.
The flow continued and Buck slowed the flow without a say so after five minutes or so. "You're taking it so well, Eds," he cooed. "You've got half." He usually didn't tell Eddie how much he'd taken, but it had been awhile since they'd done this and he didn't want the boy to break before he managed to get both quarts in.
"Half?" Eddie asked, voice timid, as if he wasn't sure if he should be relieved or disconcerted.
"Mhmmm." Buck leaned forward, letting his lips kiss the back of Eddie's neck, then between the boy's shoulder blades. "Are you ready for more?"
When Eddie hesitated, Buck squeezed his hip. "You can take it, baby. You've done this before."
Eddie's head nodded a fraction of an inch, his breathing already labored. He gave a small squeak as the milk started slipping into his body again. "Please, please, I can't." He shook his head, the tears coming out for real now. Buck clamped the nozzle again. "I can't, Buck, please. I . . . I need to . . . please."
The younger boy reached his hand down to Eddie's stomach, the curve of a belly that wasn't there usually. "I know you can take this," he said, voice low but not angry or disappointed. "I know you can, Eds." He let their fingertips brush. "But I won't make you," he added. "It's up to you."
Eddie hated that. It would have been so much easier to go along with it if Buck hadn't give him the choice. Now it was up to him to decide if he wanted to be selfish and disappoint his boyfriend and not get rewarded or just go along with it and deal with the pain. "I'll try," he mumbled weakly, squeezing his eyes shut and biting his bottom lip between his teeth as he felt the flow again.
Buck slipped his hand down Eddie's stomach to wrap around his cock, gently stroking, trying to turn the whimpers that the older boy was now making into moans. "So good, baby," he kept whispering over and over. "You're taking it so good."
"H-Hurts," Eddie choked out. "Break?" Buck locked the clamp again, letting Eddie rub at his stomach and try to catch his breath. "It's almost all in," he said gently, still stroking the other boy's erection. "Just a little bit more. I know you can take it, Eddie."
"How much?" The question hung heavy in the air for a moment. Eddie wasn't supposed to ask and he knew it, but he also knew Buck never spanked him or punished him during an enema, so the worst possibility was simply that the other boy wouldn't tell him.
"Probably four ounces," Buck answered finally. "I'm going to start it again, okay? You can take this all in one go."
Eddie nodded, gritting his teeth and counting silently in his head, hoping it wouldn't take longer than a minute to finish. He was only a few seconds over when the flow stop and Buck planted a kiss to the small of Eddie's back. "I'm going to switch it out for the plug, okay? Keep it in."
Eddie tightened his muscles, his toes curling as he did so. It hurt, tensing up along with the dull ache in his abdomen. Even with all his tightening, a little bit of the milk/water mixture escaped, sliding down the inside of his thigh. Then the plug was in and he could relax his muscles, but only somewhat. Buck picked up a washcloth and wiped at the liquid that had slid down Eddie's skin.
It wouldn't be too long, Eddie knew, but it always seemed an eternity. Five minutes or ten minutes could feel like hours. Buck's fingers slid up Eddie's back until they were twisted, gently, in his hair. "I can't wait to get you on the bed," he said thickly, voice low and gravely. "Gonna shove my tongue in you so deep, baby."
Eddie moaned outright, despite the dull pain in his muscles and stomach. It was a low moan, soft, but a moan nonetheless, and Buck smiled at the sound. "Is that what you want?" the younger boy continued in the same tone. "You want my tongue in you, want me fucking your ass with my mouth? You're going to taste so fucking good, baby." His fingers tightened slightly in Eddie's hair. Not enough to cause any pain, just enough to make the boy gasp, then moan again. "Then I'll fuck you. So hard, baby, so God damn hard. So deep inside you. And then you'll take my come in your pretty mouth."
Eddie was whimpering, his hips moving ever so slightly, squirming. "P-Please?" he choked out. "Please?" He was begging for release. He knew it hadn't been long enough, but if Buck kept it up, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold it in.
"I think you can hold it for another couple of minutes." But Buck let go of Eddie's hair and sat back slightly, just letting his hands run slowly up the boy's sides. The older boy was quiet, just a few whimpers leaving his mouth, but still squirming. Buck let his hands slip lower until he was firmly squeezing Eddie's ass in both hands. "Almost, baby. Almost."
There was another minute or so, Buck's fingers skimming over the curve of Eddie's cheeks and the older boy trying not to lose anything, trying to keep his muscles tensed just enough. "Okay." Buck stood up, slowly, kissing Eddie on the back of the neck before stepping out of the tub.
"Slowly," he warned the boy. "Don't lose anything, okay?" He held his hands out, letting Eddie take them as he stood and gingerly climbed out of the tub.
Buck lifted up the lid of the toilet seat and helped Eddie to sit. This was always when Eddie started to cry again. He hated it, hated how Buck was there for the release. So humiliating, worse than threats of letting Hen watch or having Chimney fuck him that one time while Buck took Polaroids. "Please, just . . . I can," Eddie said. "I'm fine. I can."
Buck looked stern, frowning, shaking his head slightly. "Stop."
Eddie cried harder, bringing his hands up to push at Buck when the boy moved closer, but too submissive to actually to do it as the boy reached between his legs, fingers closing around the end of the plug. "Please," Eddie whispered again. "Please, Buck."
The boy ignored him. "Don't let it go until I tell you to." He let Eddie's face fall into his shoulder. The boy was shaking from his choked sobs as Buck slowly pulled the plug out. He set it on the counter next to the bowl he had mixed the milk and water in. One arm came up around Eddie. Despite his tears, the boy was still clenching, tighter than probably necessary. "Okay, go ahead."
Eddie shook his head. "No." He cried harder when Buck pressed his lips against the boy's temple. "Please."
"Eddie. Now."
The boy was still crying, clinging desperately to Buck as the first drops of the mixture began to slip out. And then, like always, he realized he really had no choice and just let go, sobbing harder as he heard the liquid falling into the toilet. For Buck's part, he just held the boy, fingers running down his back, cooing soft sentiments to him. "Good boy, good job, Eds."
Finally the noises slowed and Buck took a step back, letting Eddie wipe and flush the toilet. They both washed their hands in the sink and Eddie blew his nose. "I'm sorry," he whispered, refusing to look at Buck. "I . . . I didn't mean to . . . I know you won't hurt me."
Buck's cool fingers, still slightly wet from the water, slid under Eddie's chin, tilting the boy's face up to meet his eyes. "Thank you," he returned, leaning in and kissing him, soft at first, then harder, tongue slipping in. "Bed now," he added, unable to contain his smile as he felt Eddie's lips curve upward against his.
They walked out to the hotel bedroom area and Buck nodded silently, indicating Eddie should assume the position on the bed. "Back or . . . or knees?"
"Knees if they're not too sore."
Eddie would take a lot more than sore knees for a rimjob, as he'd clearly demonstrated, so Buck nodded his approval as the boy got on all fours on the bed. Eddie kept his head facing forward, resisting the urge to look over his shoulder and watch Buck. The younger boy loved that, how he didn't have to order the boy do it. Eddie obeyed the unspoken command of his own accord.
The bed sunk down as Buck knelt behind Eddie, hands squeezing the boy's hips. Buck leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to Eddie's entrance, smiling when he heard the moan. His mouth opened, tongue slipping out, licking in broad, even strokes, knowing it would do nothing but tease Eddie, torturing him. And, truthfully, it was all Eddie could do to keep from pressing his ass back on Buck's face while begging 'more more more'.
Buck sat up and leaned forward, pressing two fingers to Eddie's lips. The boy sucked them into his mouth without a word, his tongue sliding around the digits, trying not to get overeager, trying not to just beg Buck to fuck him and start grinding his hips into the bed. When Buck pulled his fingers from the boy's mouth, he leaned in for the kiss, smiling as he swallowed the moan from the intrusion of his fingers entering Eddie's hole while they were still kissing.
Then his mouth was gone and Eddie's fingers twisted in the bed sheets knowing what was coming, the muscles in his body tensing in anticipation. Buck's fingers pulled slowly, evenly, opening Eddie up just enough to slip his tongue in, licking around the edge of Eddie's entrance. He licked over his own fingers as he slowly added another digit from each hand, pulling Eddie more open, exposing him more. His tongue slipped in deeper and Eddie tried so hard not to push his ass back on Buck's face.
The younger boy's tongue started dipping in and out, slow and first, then quicker. Eddie was moaning, head thrown back, hips barely rocking. Buck pulled his tongue out and his fingers, letting his lips press against the hole that was still open to the air. He began to suck and Eddie let out a stream of expletives that Buck had never heard before. He let up on the pressure, his tongue slipping back inside once more, teasing, pulling out to trace around the inside.
"Fuck me?" Eddie asked, voice high-pitched and uncertain.
Buck pulled off almost immediately, but didn't straighten up yet, pressing two fingers into Eddie abruptly, smirking at the boy's gasp. He slowly twisted them. "You want me to fuck you?" he asked as if he hadn't heard, voice casual.
"Please, Bucky," the older boy returned desperately, pressing back against the fingers, his head falling into the pillows as he collapsed on his arms, support following to his elbows.
The fingers slipped out and Buck helped turned Eddie to his back, kissing him softly on the mouth, enjoying Eddie's tongue probing his mouth curiously, searching for the taste. He pulled away after a moment and the older boy gave an airy sort of sigh. Then he was between Eddie's legs, bending them at the knee and separating them, settling between the thighs before he pushed in, no lubricant and no warning.
Eddie made a low noise in the back of his throat at the burn, the stretch. He'd been waiting for this. Buck hadn't fucked him for a week, not properly. Toys and fingers and a fist, but not this. So simple, just them. Nothing artificial. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's neck, leaning up to kiss his neck. They looked like any other couple just then, he mused. No one would have been able to look at this scene and guess that Eddie had just been given a two quart enema or that the other day he'd been made to stand in the corner for an hour after Buck had spanked him fifty times with a hairbrush.
Buck could tell Eddie was thinking and he angled his hips, shoving in roughly. When Eddie's eyes popped open even wider and he let out the tiny squeak, he knew he'd found the spot. All semblance of thought seemed to evaporate from Eddie's features as he just gave in and starting rocking against Buck's hips, moaning. He reached for his boyfriend's hand, pressing the palm against his throat. "Please," he whispered.
Buck didn't need to be told twice, squeezing down on Eddie's neck, releasing after a moment to let him gasp for breath. Then his hand tightened again and they repeated the pattern until his boyfriend started shaking his head, not wanting to use the safe word, but wanting Buck to know he'd had enough. His hand fisted in Eddie's hair then, squeezing tight enough to hurt, but not hard enough to pull the hair out. "Touch yourself," Buck breathed.
Eddie obeyed immediately, one of his hands falling from Buck's neck to slip between them, wrapping around the base of his cock, stroking in a slow rhythm that contrasted with the thrusts. He didn't want to come yet, but he knew he didn't have a choice anyway. He'd come when Buck told him. That was the rule.
"Faster," Buck growled, shifting his weight so he could press in deeper. "I want you close, Eds. Tell me when you're close."
The boy nodded, quickening the speed of wrist obediently, letting his eyes shut for a moment before he opened them back up. Buck liked to watch him, said he could see Eddie melt through his eyes when they were in bed. He felt the hand tighten in his hair slightly and he stopped moving. "Close," he choked out.
Buck smiled, letting Eddie wonder if he was going to have to hold it, have to wait, have to worry if he could. But it was late and they had to be up in six hours. "When you feel me come, you can," he said, nipping Eddie's bottom lip between his teeth. The thrusts got impossibly harder after that, but only for a moment.
Buck bit the inside of his cheek to keep from yelling as he felt himself explode and then Eddie's wrist was flying as he moaned, low and whorish. Buck could feel Eddie's come hit his stomach as the older boy started swearing, his ass clenching down on Buck's cock as his orgasm tore through him, leaving him breathless and gasping for air.
Eddie collapsed prematurely, still feeling his orgasm rocking through him, but unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to think. And then he felt Buck pull out, leaving him empty and loose. He whimpered at the loss, turning and pressing his face into the boy's chest as he laid down beside Eddie in the bed.
Buck's arms came up, feeling Eddie's body trembling. "Baby, baby," he murmured. "Shhh. It's all right." He kissed the boy's temple, fingertips gently massaging feeling back into Eddie's muscles. "We're going to sleep now, okay? Early morning."
Eddie whimpered, nodding, wondering if he'd be able to walk properly the next day.
"Bucky?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"I love you, cariño."
"I love you, too, eds." Buck waited until he'd stopped shaking before he got up to turn out the lights and set the alarm on his phone. Then he crawled back into bed and held Eddie until he fell asleep before he got up to clean the bathroom and put the equipment back in their suitcase. He was only going to be running on two hours of sleep the next day, but it had been worth it.
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oatflatwhite · 9 days ago
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post-5.04, direct continuation of the balcony scene™️ and inspired by @vampirebuck’s post
*
“Here, just let me—”
Eddie shifts from his place against the railing, setting his beer down on the table and squatting between Buck’s legs. His hand, so gentle, comes up to take the ice pack from Buck’s, pressing it lightly against the bruise. This close Buck can see the worried line of tension strung across his shoulders, the faint pink scar of a chemical burn kissing his neck.
He nudges Eddie with his knee.
“Hey, um,” and Eddie’s wrist is so close to his mouth, probably feels the exhale on the words, “thanks. For coming by. I know the shift was rough for you.”
Eddie hums. “Hen took it a lot harder.”
“Okay.” Eddie shifts the ice pack, leaning even closer to inspect the bruise. Buck’s eyes close, almost involuntarily. The last time he was this close to Eddie he had just been shot. He opens his eyes again to dispel the image; commits, instead, the furrow on Eddie’s forehead, the gentle way he bites his lip, the steady feel of his hand, warm and solid and real on Buck’s knee, to memory. “You know, it’s not a competition. You’re allowed to take things hard too.”
Eddie returns the ice to Buck’s eye. “I know.”
“Do you? Because it sounds like you know what you’re talking about with Maddie. About being the one who needs help, for once.”
“That’s not—”
“The same?” Buck lifts a hand to Eddie’s where it’s holding the ice pack. He draws it from his face, meeting Eddie’s eyes despite the throb of pain in his own. “You’re right. You don’t have postpartum. But Eddie, seriously—are you going to look at me and tell me the panic attacks are over now Ana’s gone? That you have nothing to worry about anymore? Because from where I’m sitting—”
“You really don’t give up, huh?” Eddie rocks back on his heels, arranging himself so he’s sitting, cross-legged, on the cool concrete of the balcony. After a moment Buck does the same, pushing the chair to one side even as his knees creak in protest.
“You’re the one who said I like to fix things. Which—I don’t know what the word on your street is, Eds, but usually it’s people picking up the messes I’ve made.”
“You’re serious right now?” Buck shrugs and Eddie sighs, huge and sweeping. “Buck. I barely even knew you and you introduced me to Carla to help out with Chris. You offered Albert a place to stay—hell, all of us, during quarantine—and don’t even get me started on your parents, who really don’t deserve everything you’re doing to try and mend your relationship but you just—you do it anyway.” He huffs, the sound not quite a laugh. “And what do you call this? You’re the one with a black eye and still you’re asking me—” Eddie breaks off, shaking his head.
“Okay, well.” Buck swallows. He picks at the denim over his thighs. “When you put it like that.”
“Uh huh.”
“So tell me.”
“What?”
“You said I’m still asking you—what’s wrong. So tell me, Eds.”
“It’s—”
“If you say ‘nothing’ I swear to God I’m gonna give you a shiner to match mine.” The outburst makes Eddie smile, which, really, had been Buck’s plan all along.
“It’s stupid,” he says after a moment. “I don’t know.”
“Hey.” Buck waits for Eddie to meet his gaze. “Stupid’s my specialty.” He shifts, nudging Eddie’s foot with his own.
“It’s just. Ana, she.” He stops, chewing his lip. “She was the thing making me panic. I know she was the thing making me panic but I—still feel? Anxious, I guess. Even though she’s—I mean.” He looks away, over the railing, to the city spread out around them. “And the call today. It was—God, it was fucking awful. The girl, she—we thought she was saying her own name, because Hen had asked, but she—she was saying her friend’s. And it—” He halts again, looking down at his lap. Buck follows the sentence to its natural conclusion.
“And it… reminded you. Of that day.”
“I don’t.” Eddie shakes his head, as though to dispel water from his ear. “I don’t even think about it, usually. Not that I don’t want to, I just—don’t. And I—I was pretty out of it, I only remember bits and pieces, but.” He swallows, audible in the lazy, quiet afternoon. “I remember you.”
“You.” There’s broken glass in Buck’s throat. “You said my name. You thought I—you asked if I was hurt.”
Eddie looks at him. “I remember.”
“Okay, so.” Buck’s picking at the seam of his jeans again. “Today brought it back? Is that it? Because Eddie, you’ve been off for a while, and—”
“It’s not it. I—I thought if I just. Moved forward, with—with work, with Ana, with—life, it would just—go away. For good.”
“Eddie.” Buck can’t help it; he laughs. “I’m pretty sure that’s called repression.”
“Yeah, that’s what Doctor Salazar said.” He chews his lip. “It worked for the army.”
“Did it?” Eddie looks away. “Listen, I—I’m no—fucking—expert, or whatever. But—that day hasn’t gone away, for me. I don’t know if it ever will. And I—I have an actual therapist, to talk through shit with, and I wasn’t even the one who got shot and it—it hasn’t gone away.”
Eddie shifts to collect his beer from the table behind him but doesn’t take a sip; plays idly with the bottle instead, picking at the label. “Why am I here, Buck?”
Buck blinks. “Um—I don’t—”
“I mean.” The corner of the sticky paper peels away from the glass. Eddie presses it back on. “Why am I here, and not Taylor.” He doesn’t say it like the question it should be, and Buck—Buck knows the answer. He thinks Eddie probably knows it too.
“She’s working,” he says, instead. “You’re not.”
Eddie’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “Right.”
“Hey, listen—”
“I should go,” Eddie interrupts. He sets his beer back on the table and shifts himself to standing, easing out the kinks in his back. He must see something in Buck’s face because something in his own loosens, gentles, and he adds, “I’m not—running away. I actually do need to get Chris.”
“Yeah. Course.” Buck boosts himself back onto the chair. The ice pack Eddie’s still holding loosely is half-melted and dripping condensation.
“Okay, just—hang on.” Buck watches Eddie duck inside, replace the ice pack in the freezer and divest a bag of peas from the carefully stacked interior. He wraps it in a fresh tea towel from the linen closet by the bathroom and pads back out onto the balcony, handing the parcel to Buck. “Twenty minutes on, hour off, okay?”
“Sure thing, doc.” Eddie rolls his eyes. “No, no—hear me out. You do kinda look like McDreamy from—”
“Goodbye, Buck,” Eddie says. He sways, as if to turn to leave, then leans back in at the last minute and adjusts the fold of the tea towel where Buck’s fingers are holding it in place. Their hands touch.
“This conversation isn’t finished,” Buck says, and it comes out almost a whisper. Eddie is so close he can make out the individual eyelashes fanned against his skin. He smiles, small and pleased, the way he often does around Buck and no one else besides Chris. Buck tucks the sight away, as much of a balm as any ice.
“I’ll pencil it in.” As easily as he’d leaned forward Eddie now steps back, collects his and Buck’s beers from the table and walks inside to deposit them by the sink. He shrugs into his jacket where it’s folded carelessly on the kitchen island. “Don’t get into any more fist fights while I’m gone?”
“That’s more your thing,” Buck calls and can see the roll of Eddie’s eyes even from here. He adjusts the bag of peas, closes his other eye, and listens to the sound of the front door open and then quietly shut, the way Eddie always closes it; careful of the rickety hinge.
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buddiefanfiction · a month ago
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These are the top 10 fics on AO3 under the pining tag, organized by amount of kudos.
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try to love me if you can by @woodchoc-magnum​​ Complete | Mature | 44.8k
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Eddie's Not-So-Secret Feelings by @theycallmebobbob​ Complete | Not Rated | 17.1k
Love Language by @redtooblack​ Complete | Not Rated | 2.4k
Carnations by @redtooblack​ Complete | Not Rated | 10k
All Bets are Off by NobodyKnows_U Complete | Not rated | 35.1k
Buck Is My Warrior by @elisela​ Complete | General | 5.1k
the dream you wish will come true by @woodchoc-magnum​ Complete | Mature | 29.8k
Frequent Flyer by @redtooblack​ Complete | Mature | 13.4k
Steady on His Feet by BrighamVaughn Complete | Explicit | 7.6k
~~~~~~
If you want to read more pining fics, you can find them here. If you want to find other fics by specific tag, here is a full list.
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