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beautifulhigh · 2 years

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On the significance of Tarlos and sleep: an essay

@kiras-sunshine made the "mistake" of putting in the tags of a Carlos sleeping gif set something which made me go, "I wanna". So I did.

#i could write a whole essay about this

#because in 3x13 he wakes up simply because tk isn't in the bed with him

#but in 3x18 he sleeps through all of this because tk is there with him

#something about safety and love

To understand the significance of Carlos and sleep in 3x18 we need to establish the significance and importance of sleep in a literary term, define the parameters of the analysis, and establish precedent within the show before looking at the opening beat of the proposal scene.

Or: how Nea set me a challenge to write an essay on Carlos sleeping and I (hopefully) rose to it with almost 5,000 words of an essay. Which you can also read on AO3 if you want. And go leave me a comment and some kudos because I live for validation.

Sleep as a Biological and Social Function

We all need sleep. It’s the part of the day where our bodies basically do inventory, file away memories via our dreams, engage in biological downtime, and do what repair jobs they are able to do. Like night closure of roads so repairs can happen without massive disruption. Our bodies slow down, we go through different cycles throughout the course of the night, and without any input from us our bodies do what they need to do.

We don’t need to be taught to sleep, same as we don’t need to be taught to blink or breathe or swallow. It’s hardwired into us as Stuff We Have To Do To Survive. What is also hardwired into us is the knowledge that when we sleep we are vulnerable. Research shows that when we were tribal and nomadic we kept shifts so that there was always someone awake throughout the whole day and night. If you’re a night owl then congrats, you get to sit by the fire and watch the stars come out. The larks will take over when the sun comes up. Sleeping in the presence of someone (or someones) shows that you trust them: you trust them not to hurt you while you are vulnerable but also you trust them to protect you.

I love the bunk scenes with the firefam for this reason because this is a group of people who trust each other completely and so them sleeping in the same room is an extension of that trust.

But sleeping with a partner? As in sleep-sleep rather than Adult Fun Time sleep? That’s another level.

There is safety in numbers: if one of the group decides to not protect you then others will. They’ll also step in if they decide to smother you or bash your head in with a rock. When it’s you and your partner? Well, no one is going to stop them if they decide they can’t put up with your snoring any longer or you hogged the covers one too many times.

When we share our bed with someone, platonic or romantic, we are telling them “I trust you”. You are at your most vulnerable and you let them stay anyway. And the best part is that they are making the same declaration to you.

We also use the term ‘sleep with’ to mean Adult Fun Times because it often involves a bed (1x02 excepted) but it also involves a level of vulnerability. Even if you’re just hooking up with someone you’re removing barriers (and clothes) and putting yourself in a position where you could be hurt should they choose to do so – and I’m not just talking about feelings. What you choose to do with your body is pretty much the only thing in our control and power and to give that over to someone else shows maybe a higher level of trust than simply going to sleep next to them.

Sleep As A Metaphor

Sleep is perhaps one of the biggest metaphors there is in literature. It is a symbol of peace, of contentment, of trust, and of death.

“To sleep, perchance to dream.”

Hamlet III:i

When Macbeth murders Duncan he finds he can no longer sleep, such is his guilt for what he has done to his king and country in the pursuit of his own ambition. In the Buffy finale (“Chosen”), any character seen sleeping prior to the final battle ends up losing their lives before the final credits roll.

For a show about first responders death is at the forefront of so much of the episodes. The characters work hard to preserve life, to save and protect. It doesn’t always work: the pilot episode opened with the deaths of almost everyone at the 126, and when the action moved to New York we meet Captain Strand, whose whole arc is tied into the tragedy of 9/11 and the deaths that came on that day – and since with it being the cause of his cancer diagnosis.

In episode 3x18 we are faced with death once more: the building has collapsed and Judd is inside. Owen’s cancer may be back. We also have a very adult discussion about death and preparing for it: the 126’s own NDE MVP not having a will tying into a very blasé attitude towards death, contrasted with literally everyone else’s opinion and behaviour lets us know that for (most of) them, death is a constant. It walks beside them and they hope to not have it take them by the hand for as long as possible.

Fandom (and Rafa) are clamouring for some Carlos NDE because of all of the characters he’s one of a few who have not had death brush up against his hand only to not take it at the last moment more than once. The only time Carlos has come close to death in the show was the fire in 2x12 and that happened while he and TK were in bed – the other use of the word “sleep” when it comes to someone. But whilst he was in danger he was not exactly getting up close and personal with death, not like so many of the 126 have.

Still, as the long-suffering partner who seems to collect near death experiences like they’re Pokémon, it is no surprise to anyone (except TK) that Carlos not only has a will but that he keeps it updated. This man is practical and logical and he knows that death is inevitable. The comments the 126 firefam make about being prepared is exactly why you make a will: it gives you peace of mind knowing that those you love will be looked after and that things will be taken care of when you’re not there to do it yourself.

Sleep as a form of peace comes from the idea that we have let go of our daily worries and thoughts and entered a neutral state where we are our most ‘natural’. We aren’t actively trying to convey anything or hide anything from those around us. We’re not in conscious control and so there is a concept of sleep being our true selves.

There’s a scene in the TV show Babylon 5 in which an inter-species couple, Delenn (Minbari) and John (human) are beginning a relationship. The Minbari have a ritual for when a couple start to get close: the woman spends three nights at the man’s place watching him sleep. They believed that in sleep your true self comes to the fore and so she would watch for this true self. If she liked what she saw on the first night she would stay two more and observe further.

When we sleep we have no guards up, no barriers, no walls or protection. We are exactly who we are and it’s why we love watching babies sleep – because we see them exactly as they are. (Fucking adorable.)

Sleep and Death

Ever wondered why Ye Olde Beds were so short? It’s not because we’re so much taller now than we were (although average height today is more than it used to be), it’s because such was the relationship between sleep and death that people honestly believed that if you were lying flat then Death, as it walked past your window, could think you were dead or dying and come and claim your soul. So beds were deliberately made shorter so you couldn’t lie fully flat and Death would carry on its way and leave you to wake the next morning.

Dying in your sleep is generally seen as the “best” way to go. You fall asleep as normal and then… that’s it. This gave rise to a lot of the sayings we have about sleep, most notably the advice to never go to bed angry. If someone doesn’t wake up then the argument will never be resolved. (It’s more likely about not letting things fester, and you don’t really get good and restful sleep when a part of you wants to smother the person lying next to you. But a good essay looks at all possible avenues.)

Before I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

Four corners on my bed

Four angels there a-spread

Two to foot, two to head

Four to carry me when I’m dead

[a wonderful prayer I was taught to say when I was little because nothing help sleep like the thought of dying during it]

Ultimately, we develop a sense that just as death is the end of something, so is sleep. We finish our day, we make peace with our actions, and we hope to wake in the morning and have the chance to do it all again.

The Language of Death

We have come up with so many ways to describe death. We use the phrase “passed away” to make it sound gentler, but the relevant phrase here is “the big sleep”. The concept of closing your eyes and not being on this plain of consciousness or existence. It marries the concept of death being peaceful but also means that we are not present in whatever moment we are missing – be that temporary while we nap or permanent while we are mourned.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep

Poem “Immortality”, Clare Harner

We comfort ourselves with faith and a belief that there is something after this because that makes death less terrifying for us. Just as sleep ends with the morning and a new day, death “ends” with a new life or existence or something.

Death isn’t the end for our characters either. Up until 3x18 Owen kept a physical reminder on his desk of all those who died. The memorial to the fallen members of the 126 has been in places of prominence. Tim’s name is painted on the side of the rig so he will always be riding with TNT.

We’ve also seen hints of this with Tommy and her desire for a message from Charles. It doesn’t matter why or how the lights flashed in a 1-4-3 pattern, to her it was a message from beyond and a sign that even though her husband is dead he is also still here. She went to his grave in 3x17 and talked to him.

When Gwyn died TK wanted to honour her through Chinese food (3x08) and remember her through the photo albums (3x13), something tangible that they shared together over multiple occasions and memories sparking the full spectrum of emotions.

Every single one of the characters who has experienced death finds a way to keep their lost loved one’s memory with them because to them, death is not the end of that relationship. They, and their influence, continue on with the living.

I half-remember something about a person having three deaths: the first is brain death, the moment you cease to be alive; the second is when your physical body no longer exists; and the third is when your name is spoken for the last time. We all hope that each of these come as late as possible but they will come for almost all of us. A lucky few will have their names remembered for much longer than normal and so they will continue to live on.

It is a very human trait to try and find positives in the negatives, especially when the concept is as terrifyingly unknown as death.

The Presentation of Death

As different cultures approach death in different ways, it is possible to take every extreme and apply it to the concept.

Death is darkness but we also have the concept of light. Black is often seen as a funeral colour (shoutout to Queen Victoria for never moving out of her mourning phase) but in certain religions white is the outfit of choice. Death is the end of life, the beginning of life. It can be a comfort; it can be a tragedy. It can be noble; it can be senseless. Funerals can be solemn and serious or a joyous celebration.

However you see death, whatever your approach to it, it is the only certainty we all have in this world. Owen’s speech in 3x18 was on the money with this.

Death is also used as a concept: the 126 died in 1x01 and was reborn by the end of the same episode. Paul’s health scare pushed him to reject treatment until he realised he can be who he is and stay alive; TK’s journey to rehab as seen in 3x08 and his drive to stay clean; Judd’s fear at losing Grace in 2x09 which is contrasted with the promise of new life by the end of the same episode. Ultimately, death has come to mean the end of one thing before something else begins and that is both terrifying and uplifting.

So what do metaphors, language, presentation, and even death have to do with the sleeping scenes we have in the Tarloft?

Everything and nothing, such is the joy of an analytical meta. But bear with me as I link in the previous 2200 plus words to the scenes that Nea challenged me to write an essay on.

Tarlos and Sleep in 3x05

The first time we see them ‘sleeping together’ (last night I slept in my stilettos, Holiday Inn) is when Carlos is combing through the footage and TK has fallen asleep next to him, on him, whatever. It’s adorable. TK woke to an empty bed and sought out his partner at three in the morning. The fact TK says “come back to bed” means that they started off there together and Carlos either woke up or couldn’t sleep.

Sleep is when your brain slows down and allows your body to relax and prepare for unconsciousness and so if your brain does not slow down then sleep will be hard to come by.

TK joins Carlos, even taking up a position on his “side” on the couch. Ultimately he falls asleep and Carlos continues to work through the night. There is a level of comfort for them both with this: TK is able to fall back to sleep and Carlos is able to continue working. He had already declared the footage as unsettling and is then able to continue working without having the same reaction that he did when TK startled him.

It's the first clear indication that we have that these boys are fully committed to each other, that the situation and drama of the breakup and ice storm is being put – if you’ll pardon the pun – to bed. They are comfortable and intimate with each other in a way that doesn’t involve Adult Fun Times, or even their bed. But it does involve sleep – and coming off the back of an arc where TK wasn’t just holding hands with Death they were halfway out the door – it will also provide reassurance to them both.

TK’s line to coma!Gwyn, “what if he doesn’t want to take me back?” showed his fear when it comes to their relationship. Does Carlos love TK enough to forgive him? (Yes. A thousand times yes.) Are they fixable? TK had to nearly die for him to confront what he did and the part that he played in their breakup. During his coma Carlos held vigil, and when Andrea joined them she encouraged Carlos to speak to TK and tell him what was in his heart. Even though TK was close to death Carlos engaged with TK and we know thanks to the coma dream that TK could hear him.

Our senses are still processing information even when we’re asleep and it’s deviations from the norm which cause us to wake up: a loud noise, the sun being up suggesting it’s daytime and not four in the fucking morning, the absence of a physical presence which should be there (or one that should not be).

TK is hovering in this state between life and death and it is treated as a dream, a product of sleep. (Oh, so that’s why you talked about death so much, Jen? Yes, yes it is.) Because TK’s coma dream is full of light and love and bits of the real-world bleed in with the pain and the noise and Carlos’ final speech (release the tapes, Tim. We need to hear the whole thing). TK is happy enough in his coma dream, inching towards death. He wants to stay and so Gwyn adds to the timer. The real world is hard and cold and full of uncertainty but it’s a choice he makes to wake up, to come back to Carlos.

And so now that he’s back and he’s home and he’s building this new life with Carlos he wants to wake up and come back to Carlos, over and over again. And once again Carlos is there by his side as he sleeps because he’s done enough sleeping without TK.

Tarlos and Sleep in 3x13

In 3x13 Carlos wakes up alone to an empty bed. We immediately hear TK talking in the next room so we know nothing bad has happened – well not that bad anyway – but his absence is unsettling given the hour. Conversations held in the small hours of the morning rarely tend to be good ones.

When we see Carlos at the start of that scene he’s wrapped up in their bed. The sheets are white, his shirt is white, there is a strong visual sense of light and joy and life there. He’s also the one who’s asleep, so let’s throw peace into that imagery. The room is dark but the bed, and its sole occupant, is light. The contrast between the two echo the different natures of and approaches to death. The contrast of light and dark, of joy and pain foreshadow the scene that is about to unfold.

Carlos turns over and reaches out to the other side of the bed and it’s only when his arm goes all the way over that he realises that TK is not there and he stirs. Carlos is pulled from his peace and rest by the absence of his partner and so that loss is registered in his unconscious mind and wakes him fully. It could be that TK’s gone to get a glass of water, or gone to the bathroom, or unable to sleep he’s sitting on the couch reading a book so as not to wake Carlos by putting a light on. Whatever the reason, TK is not there and this jars with Carlos.

He gravitates towards TK’s voice, overhearing the conversation with Cooper, and he (mis)interprets this as TK not needing or wanting his support through his recovery. The concept of Carlos as the be all and end all for TK died in that moment (and over the episode he comes to realise that’s not a bad thing) and he returned to their empty bed alone. The shot of him in the small gap in the door, slipping into the darkness reflects on how the light and joy that Carlos represented is being lost – but it will only be temporary. The night passes and the sun rises again.

On the other side of the bedroom door, even though Carlos has been framed as the light in the dark in the bedroom, TK is the one bathed in light in the main area of the loft. He has the white throw blanket over his legs and the only darkness there is the one that TK is dealing with on the inside. Contrasted to that, Carlos is light and yet surrounded by dark. The gulf between them in this moment later could ‘kill’ their relationship but they talk it through – Carlos saying he wants every part of TK (no, baby, no) and TK telling Carlos that he needs things that Carlos cannot give him.

This revelation for both of them is them making preparations and being practical when it comes to their relationship: Carlos understanding he can’t be everything for TK, and TK understanding that just because Carlos can’t support him with this specific thing it doesn’t mean he doesn’t get it. Bit like making a will.

They both reach a new level of intimacy in this episode, one that goes beyond them sleeping in the same bed and having Adult Fun Time together (both of which we also get in this episode). We get them both laying out their vulnerabilities on the table while they are literally sitting at it. They trust each other with their bodies and their hearts and their futures and so now they lay out their final pieces for the other knowing that these ones cannot be picked up and looked after by the other.

Trust also comes by telling someone “hey so this is a thing you cannot fix and you cannot make better” and knowing that it won’t be an issue. Showing someone your whole self, every part of your truth, just for the sake of them knowing it.

When Carlos woke in 3x13 it was to a sense of loss and exclusion and by the end of the episode, when he comes into the room and rouses TK from their bed, the whole loft is filled with light (both of them are dressed in darker tones: TK in blue, Carlos in grey showing that things aren’t 100% back to light and bright and happy) and there’s a balance, understanding, and acceptance of where they are going from this point on. It’s been said that this was the moment for TK where he was “I could marry this man right now” and with that the sense of loss and exclusion are gone.

Tarlos and Sleep in 3x18

Carlos is asleep, TK is awake, but this time he is with Carlos. Whatever thoughts are going around in TK’s head he’s not retreating with them to the next room. He’s sitting in their shared darkness, watching Carlos sleep. His brain is now racing with thoughts as we suppose Carlos’ brain was in 3x05.

The contrast between them is different again: this time TK is the one in the white shirt (headcanon of shared clothes is very real), Carlos is in a grey vest. There’s a light and dark theme going on but even the ‘darkness’ of Carlos’ sleepwear isn’t all that dark. The room is dark as it was in 3x13 (round of applause for the gif makers who had to deal with that in this episode) but this time it’s a darkness shared.

Carlos’ sleep is so different here to 3x13 because it takes TK a few beats to get him to wake up. Carlos reacts to TK’s touch by rolling over and so his unconscious body is already aware that his is not alone in their bed. See commentary on 3x05 about our senses when we’re asleep. So Carlos’ mind has no reason to worry because it’s quiet and it’s dark and there’s someone in his bed.

The hand through the hair and TK’s voice is not what is expected and so Carlos snaps awake, immediately on alert. When we are pulled from sleep in the middle of a cycle disorientation is very real. If I were to find a line to describe what your brain is going through when it goes from sleep to is the lizard back? then I would go with something like “I’m not looking for… this”. Ah, 1x02. Such a delightful mess for them.

Once the panic has died down Carlos is immediately attuned to TK and realises that he has been woken up for a reason. And what a reason it is – but TK’s speech is another essay and we will focus instead on sleep.

Firstly, Rafa is fucking adorable with his line delivery so jot that down.

“You’re not just saying yes so you can go back to sleep are you?”

“I mean maybe, maybe but…”

Secondly, he still needs his sleep. He wants his sleep. Being woken up in the middle of the night to be asked “hey, wanna spend the rest of your life with me and make a serious commitment in front of our loved ones together?” isn’t exactly the kind of danger the larks relied on the night owls to protect them from.

Finally, I will be a language nerd on Carlos’ line because he’s being playful and half-serious but… it’s the but. A contrasting connective which basically means “ignore everything I just said”. Maybe he was saying it to go back to sleep. BUT. This is what he wants, what he’s wanted since 1x01 if we believe Rafa, and certainly since buying them the loft.

And so they fall back onto the bed for the other kind of sleeping together, before falling asleep together.

The Significance of Sleep For Tarlos

For a show that runs parallel to death so much, the instances of sleep show moments which walk the line between sleep and one of its metaphors or representations. From TK’s coma dream through to the sharing of the moment in the darkness, each instance highlights a new aspect of their relationship, develops it further, and shows us how much these boys have come to love and trust each other over the three seasons.

Prior to them officially moving in together in 2x10 we know that TK has been spending a lot of time at Carlos’ house – enough to have left things lying around the place and be given a key (2x04), spending extensive time together (couch cuddle scene in 2x07) – and so they have moved beyond the point where TK stayed over on nights where they had Adult Fun Time. Now he’s staying because he’s staying and they are at the point where they are sleeping together without sleeping together.

When TK declared in 1x10 that they made a “pretty good team” he was setting out his stall for where he saw this relationship going. Since then they have been a team: in life and in Catan. They have learned how to trust each other, let the other in, show the other parts of themselves for nothing more than information’s sake. They have made decisions together and built a life together, all of which culminated in their bed in 3x18, with TK rousing Carlos from sleep to ask Carlos for everything “until death parts them”.

(Also the line about it being “the kind of love you can’t get away from” is just everything, especially if like me you grew up with Ghost being the big romance movie of your childhood. Sam’s line “the love inside, you take it with you” adds weight to the concept of death being a part of a story rather than the end of it, and so sleep and dreams are but one part of the Tarlos story.)

#tarlos #tk strand #carlos reyes #911 lone star #911ls #overthinking jen is overthinking #kirassunshine #this was a lot of fun #thanks for letting me run with it

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