day (4/20) :
today’s been tiring, unproductive, hot and exhausting.
typical monday blues and annoying habits that interfere with my daily routine.
proof that every studyblr person has an off day, a bad day, total burnout and snappy mood.
not everything is pretty :(
This social distancing and working from home is not great. I can’t focus on work that well which makes me stressed which makes me dissaccociate and revert into my own brain which makes it harder to focus /be productive in anyway which makes me stressed and so on.
I’ve had a super mild cold for the past 2 weeks which I normally wouldn’t even pay attention to, but now it got me anxious to go outside at all (even with staying apart the right distance), anxious to do groceries.
My brain is just kinda shutting down, blocking everything out, constantly looking for distraction, I don’t sleep well and I have stress induced chest paints again. And the thing is?? I’m p safe at home, I have food, I have a pet, I have my dad who has done groceries for me, I can work from home and don’t have to be afraid to lose my job or even lose pay, and had my manager say health is more important than the work. I have it good in this regard! And yet!
Tbf I was already feeling unstable and out of it right before we had to work from home bc I recently got back fulltime from my burnout, and there were a bunch of changes happening or on the horizon, so it doesn’t completely come out of nothing, but the intensity and speed where I broke down is, concerning.
(this still doesn’t hold a candle to my Peak Depression days so I’m still relatively fine. Just stressed and not rlly able to deal with the world)
A lesson series on looking honestly at and handling a stressful life in Gods way.
part ¼: https://vimeo.com/124717187
part 2/4: https://vimeo.com/124770865
part ¾: https://vimeo.com/124876230
part 4/4: https://vimeo.com/125513932
there is no need to listen to all of them, but part 1&2 make up for an hour of a good listen on the subject.
I’m nearly done with my first book. I’m 480-ish pages in, and I know what has to happen next, but I’m strangely blocked. I’m blocked in my drawings too.
I’m a college senior abruptly shoved out of college by the coronavirus, and in the meantime I’m in my parents house looking for jobs. Looking for jobs is existential hell. It feels like I have to pick my entire future right now, and I don’t WANT a soul sucking corporate thing because that’s like being a slug trapped inside a salt shaker, and I HATE capitalism so much anyway. But being unemployed and unable to pay rent won’t defeat capitalism. And I do want a job. I want a fulfilling job that doesn’t drain me beyond reason.
The job search is a real self worth killer too. My skills are in drawing and writing, I’m set to graduate cum laude with a history degree, and this is what I love and what I’m good at, but it’s not what these job postings want.
They want 2-5 years of experience for an entry level job, or a business degree to qualify for the honor of proofreading reports and fetching coffee. At first I’m frustrated, thinking that I’d be plenty able to do most of these jobs, and it’s this system of finding employment that’s fucked up. Then I think that maybe it’s not the job search process, or the corona-induced economic crisis, maybe it’s just me. After all, doesn’t every sore loser blame the game?
Nothing that I love or am good at has any worth in the adult world I’m entering. The things I’ve constructed myself around are worthless here. Maybe it’s no wonder I’m questioning my sketchbook and my book. Why am I doing any of these things that amount to nothing?
The job hunt is fucking with my sense of identity more than I thought it could. I don’t know if I’m cut out to survive now that I’m out of the safety of studenthood. I have to edit myself to look like the best worker bee and hope that the computer system that filters resumes sends mine to an actual human, and that actual human actually remembers it. It’s an ouroboros of rigged lotteries.
I hope that this dread is because it’s a new life stage. I hope that I’m not as unfit as it looks from my linkedin feed. I hope that I can get a job at all, and when I’m feeling bold, I dream that it won’t require comprising my identity.
I am so thankful that my program is still letting us put in leave requests. I was brought to tears by the incompetence of the admin covering for our usual admissions coordinator today, who woke me up to let me know that there would be an admission for me at some point that day (the admission ended up arriving after 3 and going to a different team) (AS IN, called me while I was still asleep at home more than an hour before my work day actually started, to say that at some point during the day I would have an admission) and then again later on in the day when it was clear that they had no idea what they were doing and sent my admission to my coresident and made them do extra work. I am so so so done with this state hospital. I’m honestly okay that I’m doing an extra week of night call and one less week here.
More art on my deviant art since i forgot the password for my tumblr at the moment and cant post digital art off my phone.
-Also here’s a few of art.
There is something terribly wrong about the way we are still doing things. We all know it. We just don’t really know how to deal with it. We are constantly complaining about the way things are, concocting mathematical solutions and/or pinpointing the source of all our problems. But we’re still divided - seemingly only capable of creating temporary make-shift solutions while bombarding the masses with enough distractions to make everyone feel that it’s okay. Well, it’s not.
Being a child of separated parents that love each other but absolutely never properly understand each other - I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to understand why people don’t listen. With a virus that’s driven us to the edge, the whole world is finally on the same page and I feel like this is the perfect time to put my knowledge to the test. I want to invite you to listen to the emotional wisdom of a country that’s taken bullsh*t from Spain, Japan and the USA. In the words of a Filipino indigenous person that survived our first colonisers, “You entered our land, killed our men and raped our women. Then you made us read your bible.”
If you’re a foreigner that’s ever properly stayed in the Philippines and you actually got a taste of how good our culture’s been to you, you would know how much we are able to give despite actually having very little.
Below is a playlist of original Filipino songs that I carefully selected to take you, the world, on a trip that will hopefully make you realise that: we are all in this together. Go have lunch, run that errand or just make coffee and come back to this. Let me take you on a 45-min journey to show you that, together, we can rise above the problems we, separated, created.
Trust me, this is better than Netflix, for now.