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#but I did drastically change my schedule recently and my body is falling apart in response
impassiveesper · 3 years
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are you ok? i only ask this because i've happened to be up at 5 and at 6, and well, you probably know the rest.
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“Fine. I’ve just been having some weird dreams since...since... I’m fine.”
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makimakikun · 4 years
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Maki Katsuragi: The Autism Theory
Maki Katsuragi could be on the autism spectrum. Here’s why! TW: Abuse mentions/references, mental disorders/disabilities in-depth, child abuse, psychological aspects, and childhood conditioning. 
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I think the common conception of mentally ill/disabled people not being confident in nature or never being able to fit into a setting isn’t entirely accurate for everyone or a good way to sum up such a wide variety of people. 
Let’s go into maki’s personality. His most noticeable quality: he’s confident. He’s confident enough to shape the environment he enters if he wishes. He’s confident enough to make people bend or even change their entire perspective on things. 
Did you notice everyone had false misconceptions about him? Everyone was surprised when he said certain things, like they weren’t expected of someone “with his personality”. For example, what he told Itsuki after he hit the boy with the racket, what he said when Tsubasa held the racket, what he told Yuu after confronting them, what he said to Touma after the matches, etc.  There are so many examples of people misconstruing Maki. People thinking he’s not as smart or as considerate as he actually is.
Why? I think it’s because he comes off a certain way. He seems too confident; too formal; too anti-social; too whatever. Everyone has misconceptions of everyone else, but these are things I heavily related to: the ways everyone saw Maki. 
To add personal experiences-- in the environment I was raised in, I had to be confident. I had to learn how to confront opposition with a calm war face. I had to learn how to speak; how to stand; how to stare into people’s eyes despite being uncomfortable with it; how to seem like I did things with little thought to them, despite the fact that I overthought constantly. This made many people think I was an airhead, or just generally not as smart as others.  I’ve had many people be really surprised that I was insecure, that I had issues, that I was smart & analytical. it’s happened to most people I met. These same misconceptions are bred when people see Maki, just because he’s confident and makes talking/moving/doing anything look easy. While we can see he’s smart as the audience, the other characters cannot, and this is important to remember.
Living while mentally disabled in a situation where you have an assigned job (like mediator & provider, which are Maki’s jobs) and huge responsibilities (both household chores/jobs and/or emotional support, which are also Maki’s jobs) is different from living while ill in a situation where your responsibilities are limited (like Touma’s).  There are many reasons why Touma’s issues seem more relatable and noticeable to the audience than Maki’s, and it has to do with the familial and outside dynamics they experienced throughout their life, as well as personality and disorder conflicts.
By personality and disorder conflicts, I mean that Maki and Touma have a lot of differences, both in upbringing, personality, and in the disorders I believe they have. Maki contrasts from Touma’s Autistic relatability most likely because he seems to have both ADHD and Autism, in my opinion. It’s a combination that can leave you a lot more jumbled and harder to relate to than just having Autism or ADHD alone, like I headcanon that Touma only has Autism.
Circling back to Maki’s personality. He seems to have a case of Chronic Chillness, outside of his obvious impatience issue, which I think is an indicator of his trueness as a person. In that respect, I mean that his impatience may be an indicator that he’s not as nonchalant as he seems. This is a huge part of my own mentally ill experience, so I felt the need to mention it.  It doesn’t mean I never look anxious or that I’m never anxious; It’s that no one sees it or suspects it. Sometimes I even convince myself. I have lax shoulders, I make lazed movements, I speak confidently & a lot of the time with slang or curses. Maki exhibits these qualities as well, aside from the cursing. However, I become starchly formal with people I don’t plan on befriending or becoming close with - esp in a professional setting (I.E. how Maki acted with the teacher and meeting the team, as I’ve concluded his original belief was that he wouldn’t attempt to attach himself to the team emotionally at first) - and I add formality to most newer people unless it’s a casual setting and I want them to feel comfortable/welcome. 
I create environments where either respect is expected or people feel obligated to bend in their hatred, whether it be out of insecurity, fear, or genuine appreciation. Maki does speak confidently and calmly, and he does all that I listed, in my opinion.  Let’s talk about the symptoms and symptom portrayals.  ♡ First up on the list: Intensive focusing/ Hyperfocusing/Interest in specific topics alone, with a habit of losing interest or not showing interest in other things. This is one of the most talked-about symptoms in processing and learning disorders from my experience.  One could say Maki is the definition of this symptom. He shows little interest in school, clubs, or any other subject besides astronomy. Specifically, as of most episodes, his book given to him by Ryouma, which he seems to continuously read despite it being a small book. We can assume he may be reading it over and over again.  The only club he now focuses on is soft tennis. That began from a place of obligation, not genuine interest. He seemed to have felt morally obligated to join after receiving a promise to money and a racket. However, we can assume he’s more emotionally invested in this team now, after rekindling his friendship with Touma and meeting the club members.  His focus on the club is obvious. He allows it to be a part of his daily life, and seems to even spend his off-time putting together schedules for their play, as seen in the episode where Rintarou and Touma speak privately. He also speaks of soft tennis during breaks within the school or dinner at his own apartment, as seen in the episodes where Yuu, Kanako, and Touma visit.  ♡ Moving on to the second symptom. Tics, like repeated motions, phrases, or movements. These movements or phrases can vary in frequency and noticeability. It can be shown subtly or as a common and known action that this person does every day. Maki Katsuragi seems to have a catchphrase - saying “I see.” or “naru-ho-do”, but since this isn’t your typical anime and the characters are portrayed as a lot more realistic than troupes, we can assume this could be a sign of a tic. He also tends to make strange movements while thinking, which is a sign that he’s trying to process what he’s about to say or what he’s thinking of.  This scene, in particular, stood out to me. While thinking, Maki idly swung his hand in circles. This is something I do personally as well. I tend to circle my hands while thinking to either enunciate my words or figure out a way to explain what I’m about to say, as well as try to process things I’ve heard. 
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♡ On to the third symptom, which is - in my opinion - a very important one. Trouble showing or expressing certain emotions well or clearly. This can range from ways of speech, to expressions, to body language, and so forth. This can be both subtle or severe, depending on the case. Maki seems to be the type that wears smiles on his sleeve in good situations, but... let me ask you a question. Did anyone see the ending coming? I can’t say that I did, but I can tell you that I don’t think it’s unrealistic for it to happen. What I noticed about Maki is that he’s not the best at showcasing emotions outside the scope of positive or neutral, which is a huge indicator of many things. Two of them are some of the main issues in his life. Physical and mental abuse (from his father), and an overly cheerful and somewhat neglectful parental figure whose nature most likely makes him feel obligated to keep up a facade and not vent his frustrations (like his mother). In truth, many of the scenes where Maki was happy in recent episodes could’ve been motivators for him to pick up the knife. The looming threat of his father never went away, and when you’re in a happy situation, while there’s a threat still lurking, it can leave you to wonder when all these good things will be taken away. His mother possibly being hurt or even kidnapped are huge solidifiers for his resolve. I’ll be addressing this motivation-driven argument further in another post. Moving on now! Maki shows very few expressions. One of his most common being a blank face that looks a touch angry. It doesn’t mean he is angry; I think the intention behind his facial expressions is that he has trouble showing a relaxed neutral expression as well as having what many would call a “resting bitch face”. Most of his expressions range from constant neutral, curious, scared, happy, or the occasional mad. His voice tone is also key here. He often speaks around the same keys. His voice is quiet and calm, with the occasional hint of playfulness. However, it rarely rises or falls drastically, unless in a serious situation. Even then, Maki still doesn’t sound very different from his usual tone.  He also moves very directly and with purpose. It’s rare for him to show hesitation or anxiety, which may be a product of Autism, ADHD, and/or living with his father, where any sign of fear, sadness, or anger could cost him. ♡  Here’s a fourth symptom. Not remembering information, especially information not regarding hyperfixations or general interests. This is common in many illnesses but is hugely prevalent in both Autism and ADHD.  This is shown especially in the scene where he meets Kanako Mitsue for the second time canonly. He didn’t even remember her face, name, or room despite just meeting her yesterday. This is a huge indicator of a memory problem regarding information his brain considers “not important”, as he seems to remember most things about his interests and chores clearly. 
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This is getting increasingly long, so I think I may be ending it here! This is a subject I could go on and on for, but I think I made some good and valid points here! It took me a long time to finish this, as my motivation is lacking.  Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! 
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lionheartslowstart · 4 years
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Getting To Know Me
I had a rough start during quarantine. My mental health was dipping pretty low, I felt isolated and bored, and I was alone with my thoughts so the body dysmorphia was turned up pretty high. I’m not sure what happened, but somehow, I was able to do a complete 180. I’m taking the time to change my lifestyle and find ways to make myself happier, because, what the fuck else am I going to do during quarantine?
First things first, I’ve changed my sleep cycle. Huzzah! I went from falling asleep at 3-5 am and waking up at 1-3 pm, to falling asleep at 10-11:30 pm and waking up at 7-8:30 am. Crazy right? Somewhere in there I hit a couple bumps in the road, so now it’s been more like falling asleep around midnight and waking up between 9 and 10. Still way better than how it was before, but I’m trying to work back down to at least 8 in the morning. This was incredibly challenging for me, and a huge victory. My energy levels have increased, and my mood has generally been better.
I’ve started doing yoga. Yes, you read that correctly. I’ve been doing yoga for almost three weeks now. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up. My best friend turned me on to this amazing app, Daily Yoga. Highly recommend. I do yoga for two days in a row then rest the third day, which is what the app suggests. I’ve been taking courses, beginner courses specifically since I’m new to this whole yoga thing. The sessions started at about 10-15 minutes, and they’ve increased to 20-30 minutes or so. Not very long, but I figure I’m doing it almost every day, which I’m told is better than long, intense workouts less frequently. I’m hoping to increase to 45-60 minute long sessions. Though, once society resumes and I start school, I may no longer be able to do it every day. But that’s why I’m trying to increase now. If I can only do yoga a few times a week instead of every day, I want to be stronger so I can participate in longer routines, and so I can challenge myself with more difficult poses.
In addition to my almost daily yoga, I have a short work out regimen I do every day, including on days I don’t do yoga. I do 100 squats, 50 crunches, 50 lower abdominal crunches, and 60 oblique crunches. Every. Single. Day. Some days I don’t want to, but I force myself, and I’m always glad I do. I also try to go on walks, especially on non-yoga days. There’s a lovely trail right by my apartment, so I try to get in at least 30 minutes. Like I said, I’ve only been doing this stuff for about three weeks, so it’s not like I’ve lost weight or anything. But I do feel stronger, and I think I look a little stronger. Also, my butt is poppin’ thanks to all the squats. I don’t know if it’s because I’m feeling stronger, or because the exercise is helping with my mental health, maybe a bit of both, but my body dysmorphia has seen a drastic decrease. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely still have bad days, but I would say that, overall, I’m obsessing about my body less, and shitting on my body less. There have even been several days where I see myself in the mirror and think, Damn, I look good.
Other than fitness, I have added a couple of other things to my day-to-day. I’ve been making sure to practice my Spanish on Duolingo every day for about ten minutes. Not only that, but I started taking French, too, which I also practice for ten minutes a day. Unlike Spanish, French is very difficult for me. I’ve studied Spanish since middle school, and while there was a large lapse in my speaking of it, it came back to me very quickly. I’ve always loved the language, and grasping it came easy to me. French, not so much. It’s way harder than Spanish. Just, generally. The grammar is less consistent, most of the differences in words are in how things are written out and NOT how they are actually spoken, so as a result, all of the words sound the fucking same, there are 80 fucking vowels to memorize, and, to top it all off, the pronunciation is super difficult already. I hate it. I love it. The challenge is the fun! My mom and I were supposed to go to France this summer (fat chance now, I know), which is why I chose French as my second language to learn. My mom speaks French, but I figure if I’m going to be spending time in a foreign country, I might as well at least try to understand what’s going on around me, as opposed to solely relying on my mother to get us around.
Another thing I’ve been working on is learning guitar. This is something I’d been doing before quarantine began, but being in quarantine has allowed me to practice a lot more. I’ve added guitar practice to my regimen, although there’s been a pause in that, as the handle for the case broke on the way to my mom’s house for a lesson, so the guitar will be remaining there until the new case arrives. But before that (and presumably after we get the new case), I’d been practicing every day. I would practice all the chords I know and play through the two songs I’ve been working on two or three times. At my most recent lesson with my mom, we downloaded a P!nk song online, and she taught me a new chord so I could play it. Now I know 10 chords: G, C, D, D7, Em, E, A, Am, A7sus, and Bb (aka, the hardest chord ever). Obviously, I still have a lot to learn, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. Guitar is hard, but I’m determined.
So, these 5 things (yoga, daily workout, Spanish, French, and guitar, in that order) are how I begin my day, every day. I usually finish anywhere from 10 to noon, depending on how early I wake up. This frees up the rest of my day for household chores, errands, cooking, calling my friends, video games, overall chillaxin’, and various creative endeavors like crafting or writing. But this has led to two different results, one positive and one negative.
The positive effect is that I have a schedule. My mornings are pretty set in stone, and I try to organize the rest of my day as best I can. I use a “To Do List” every day, and I include my leisurely activities on it as well so I can put everything in some kind of order. I try to accomplish any chores or errands I have in the middle of the day (with the exception of doing the dishes and cleaning the stove, which I do every night after dinner), and spend the rest of the day having fun and relaxing. I end every night by reading in bed for about thirty minutes, which has definitely helped with my sleep cycle. All of this has led me to the conclusion that I can be functional in a regular society.
The negative outcome is that I’m still bored. When I was living in Italy, I was constantly anxious because life is so slow-paced there. Other than my classes, I felt like I had nothing to do, which was a stark difference from life in the Big Apple. It just felt weird to have all this time on my hands, and as a result, I often felt unproductive. I also didn’t take as much advantage of the free time as I should have, but that largely had to do with the state of my mental health at the time, as well as just not being used to having buttloads of leisure time and therefore not knowing what to do with it. With everything going on, life right now feels really similar to how it did in Italy. Like I said, I finish my routine by the end of the morning, and then the rest of my day is just a big blank space that I try to fill with everything and anything else.
But even this has led to another positive realization! When I started this journey three weeks ago, I was afraid that when society reforms, my schedule will fall apart and I’ll become overwhelmed because I’ll suddenly have a lot of other things I need to do (namely school and medical appointments). I definitely still have anxiety about that, especially since school will be incredibly demanding, but that anxiety is beginning to lesson. Why? For the same reason I’m bored all the time! My morning routine only takes a couple hours. Even if I have to switch to the evening because of school, or split it up into half one day and half another, it will still be manageable. I know I will have space for the other demands in my life. As my mom has said to me, it’s a lot easier to go from having one schedule to having a different schedule, than to go from having no schedule at all to having a schedule. I’m sure there will be adjustments, maybe ones I haven’t thought of. But I’ll be able to figure it out, even if there are bumps in the road (which I’m sure there will be), because I’m building a skillset.
So, what does all of this have to do with the title of this entry, “Getting To Know Me?” I was on the phone with my therapist the other day, telling her about all the progress and positive changes I’ve made, and how I’ve been feeling as a result. She responded, “You’re getting to know yourself.” This took me by surprise, which I voiced to her. I told her that I’ve always prided myself on knowing exactly who I am, but I nevertheless thought she was right. That, yes, I do know Who I Am, but, as with everything else, I’m discovering even more. I keep peeling back layer after layer, I keep thinking I’ve reached the core, but then I tap a few times and realize, Oh fuck yeah! There’s even more! 
I’ve learned that I like waking up early in the morning. My goal is to be able to wake up at 7 or 7:30 every day. (This doesn’t change the fact that I love nighttime, which will no doubt cause me issues down the line, but I’ll figure it out.) I love learning languages. I want to be able to speak Spanish and French fluently. Maybe I’ll even try learning Italian after! I want to be able to speak as many languages as I can cram into my brain. I’ve learned that I can take this fitness journey, and I’m enjoying it. It’s okay that I’m still a beginner, and that doesn’t mean I’m not capable of being an expert if I keep going. And I can live without sweets. I still treat myself every now and then (and when I do, portion control is still an issue I’m trying to work on), but for the most part I don’t crave chocolate or sugar the way I used to. I’m currently attempting to go two weeks without dairy. Now that has been HARD. The exceptions being anything that comes with my Blue Apron meals, because I’m not going to waste food, and putting a little bit of milk in my coffee, because I can’t not have a little bit of milk in my coffee. But in terms of breakfast, lunch, and snacking, zero dairy. I’ve substituted Pringles and Pop Tarts for fruits, applesauce, and (non-dairy) yogurt. I’m only on day three, but I’m confident I can make it to day fourteen. I’ve learned that I have more energy than I thought I did, which is huge. I’d been so used to feeling sluggish and exhausted, I had no idea I have the capacity to feel this energized! The best part is that I know it’s because I’m doing all of these things that MAKE me feel energized. And they make me feel energized because they make me happy. Even sitting here writing this, I’ve just thought of more things I want to work on while I have this time. And I’m going to! I have the time, all I need to do is remember to add it to my To Do List.
I know it’s a scary time right now. I don’t want to pretend it isn’t, or that a lot of lives haven’t been lost, or that we shouldn’t take it seriously. But taking it seriously involves staying at home as much as possible, and if we’re stuck at home anyway, shouldn’t we make the most of it?
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