#but I need to talk to her about my guilt

[pbnmj]

tfw the man you love against your better judgement gets a kid to help him with his photojournalism and dies trying to expose the criminal he's been blackmailing and then the kid puts on a uniform that's way too big for him and calls himself spider-man after ben urich and you know he's going to get killed trying to serve justice to all the criminals in new york. and now there's a sixteen year old kid bleeding out on felicia's doorstep and again despite her better judgement, she cares. how much of that is a misplaced sense of responsibility for her dead lover, and how much of that is the deep feeling of injustice over how this child is the one fighting, and how felicia knows that she could never turn him away. what then </3

#we need more jaded old man who hates everyone and is overly harsh to the young girl theyre protecting but they end up like family #except the its a jaded old woman and a young boy. and i think noir peter felicia could be set up like this :) #especially bc i rly dont think felicia has a parental bone in her body. the dynamics get better/worse due to this #i really really need that feeling of guilt and helplessness and the 'YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER' fight with them #i also think they need to have an awkward touching talk about ben and the mess he leaves behind and EVERYTHING #first thing that is coming out of the drafts in so long and its deranged noir takes what else did anyone expect tbh #spider-man noir #spiderman noir #peter parker #felicia hardy #my art #noir #felicia

[spacedlexi]

the way the ericson group were at the outbreak just a bunch of troubled kids who made various mistakes or committed crimes and were judged by a system that punished and abandoned them instead of giving them the support and love they needed, are then nearly a decade later put into a situation where now they must judge a troubled child for the mistakes and crimes hes committed against them. and 5 to 3 vote them out 😭

#twdg #i love the way s4 connects back to lees whole 'murderer' thing back in s1 😭 guilt...atonement.....systems of punishment #i love thinking about s1>s4 themes and crying #anyway this is partially why i hate when i see the ericson cast reduced down to 'just some teens' its so much more than that #them being abandoned in a boarding school for troubled kids is SO IMPORTANT its not 'just some school' #anyway its also probably why theyre my favorite cast #theyre literally one of if not the most mature group of the series even while being a bunch of kids who make choices i dont agree with #because they actually love and care about each other. even when theyre mad. because theyre all they have left #i do think the vote was a fair way to handle it even tho i still ultimately find it cruel. they couldve talked it out #but this is still a story that needs conflict to resolve so is what it is #they would rather they leave than have to face their confused feelings. the most immature thing they do. but understandable #they did such a good job crafting that cast for clem GOD an entire ensemble built around her and aj....delicious #zombie/post apoc media about love and community my beloved 😭 #sorry but get tf out of here with that 'humans are evil and everyone dies' lame ass bullshit we are nothing without community #the amount of love pouring out of s4 is like getting my ass kicked but then they give me a big hug and kiss after and send me on my way #s4 my absolute beloved i really love it more and more every time. so much to appreciate even with it the way it is #the themes bro the themes........ the connections between seasons 1 and 4 you are everything to me #it speaks

[possamble]

What are your headcanons about Marcille's mom if you have any? It's interesting that what drew Donato to her was cause she lived the history he studied, or that was said somewhere at least. She must've had an interesting life.

so this was going to be just a normal answer but then I realized I have a Lot of Things To Say. so here goes, a compilation of what we know for a fact from the canon, what I've extrapolated from the visual cues and details, and my theories based on all of that.

Things we know for a fact about Marcille's mother because they were explicitly stated in the manga and supplemental materials:

She was a court mage for a Tall-man kingdom at the southern part of the Northern Continent

Donato, a court historian, fell in love with her because she had lived through the history he was studying, and he courted her for 17 years (age 15 to 32) before getting married

She was a cheerful person who rarely showed extreme emotion and took things as they came

She always cooked a huge meal for Marcille on her birthdays

She remarried a gnome after Donato's death and a short distance away from Marcille's childhood home

Pipi, Marcille's pet bird, was actually older than Marcille and originally belonged to her mother (bird died at 62)

She was extremely heartbroken when Donato died and ultimately ended up instilling a deep fear of mortality in Marcille with her words

the only time she showed extreme emotion in front of her family was when Donato could no longer eat his favourite dish near the end of his life.

She scolded Marcille for being cruel to ants (implying she can have a stern side when needed)

Things that are explicitly shown but mostly through visual cues

She has a very distinctive style of dress always involving a ribbon choker (mirroring Marcille's habit of always wearing a matching choker with any of her outfits that don't cover her neck)

She was almost stereotypically good at housekeeping and traditionally "wifely" things (very frequently depicted wearing an apron or doing some domestic chore when not at work, seems to have been an avid cook).

She knits? (also, note the affectionate smile as she's looking at Donato and Marcille reading a book together in the full panel)

She was as excited for Marcille's milestones as Donato was.

She didn't tell Marcille much about elven food

(there are a couple things that this panel in particular implies:

She lived a good deal of her life (if not being born and raised) in a mainly elven country in the West, implied by her knowing enough of an elven region's cuisine to prefer Tall-man food over it

seems to have a pretty carefree and casual demeanour overall, if this is how she replied to Marcille asking her about it (sounds like she never gave her culinary preferences that much thought to begin with)

slightly related to number 2, it seems like she and Marcille had a fairly casual parent-child dynamic (especially in comparison to the Toudens' memory of their father)

(local elf tastes Italian food once and never goes back))

However, she seems a lot more... serious in most of the other times we see her? Almost like the very stereotypical archetype of a graceful elf.

Subsequent conclusions about her personality:

Usually pretty carefree and cheerful at home, has been a loving and attentive parent throughout Marcille's childhood (while not being so doting that she didn't discipline Marcille).

Slightly more conjectural theories on her personality:

Had a much more graceful and professional personality at work, which would explain the more serious portraits we see of her.

Given that both she and Donato had positions at the royal court, it seems a little odd that she'd go out of her way to do all the housework herself, so maybe she just enjoyed doing it?

Now taping all the evidence together and toeing the line between analysis and fanfiction:

It's clear that she loved Donato very much and was utterly devastated by losing him. But there's one thing that really stuck out to me in what little we see of her:

Doesn't she seem... angry? The way she's gritting her teeth, clutching the tablecloth, and how this is the first and only time we see her eyes opened that wide. In the following panel, you see her being quiet and dejected after her initial outburst. She's still crying very intensely, but her brows are furrowed, and she's not really responding to Donato's affection in her body language.

We're not told the details of how she felt about losing Donato other than that it upset her. But this, to me, implies that she was angry and resented that he was aging, that the end of his life was approaching. An "it's not fair" type of preemptive grief. And if this was the first and last time she cried like this in front of her family, she was either very good at coping in private... or very bad at letting herself feel unpleasant emotions until they become unavoidable and end up overwhelming her.

It's not too remarkable a detail on the surface. It's even reminiscent of what the audience has seen of Marcille. But... when it comes to the big picture, you'd think an elf who voluntarily chose to marry a tall-man and have a half-elf child would have been better prepared for this.

It kind of recontextualizes her cheerfulness to me.

"I'm sure everything's gonna be okay!" (or some variation thereof, depending on what translation you have).

And this is stated to contrast her extreme grief when finally confronting Donato's failing body and eventual death. But I'm wondering if... maybe this optimism was why she was so upset. What if she went into all of it thinking "everything's gonna be okay"? What if she was a little young by elven standards, and just followed her heart thinking that her own resilience would get her through anything?

Of course, only to get completely overwhelmed when she actually loses Donato. She turns into a completely different person. And that's heartbreaking on its own-- but what the audience sees is the effect it had on Marcille. Can you imagine being her, watching your invincible and upbeat mother suddenly lose all the light in her eyes in one go?

I've already made a huge post about how I think Marcille models her "work persona" off her mother, but another thing that stuck with me as I was looking for more details in the manga was this:

copy pasting from the other post i made about it lmao it's like... the second she resigns herself to lifelong pain and terror, there's another portrait of her mother facing her like this. with their heads bowed, in mirrored body language of resignation and despair and sorrow. Except it's posed like Marcille is still looking at her mother but her mother is looking away.

It took me a second to realize, but I think that it's a visual metaphor for the fact that Marcille's mother was the only long-lived role model she had-- and she failed to model healthy grief for her daughter. I don't say this as an accusation or to disparage her as a character, but just as a matter of fact. In her, Marcille was seeing herself older and losing a short-lived spouse or loved one of her own, and all she saw was hopelessness.

But her mother didn't mean to instill hopelessness and terror in her. She wasn't really thinking of how it would truly affect Marcille at all (at least, that's how I'm interpreting her looking down and away from Marcille in the metaphor), she was just sad. And she, in her own way, was trying to protect her daughter and help her prepare for future losses.

What she meant was "loss is inevitable, and you have to learn how to be in pain but live on anyway." What Marcille heard was "loss is inevitable, and you will be scared and hurt for the rest of your life."

Again. Marcille's mother doesn't feature explicitly in the story the way her father does -- but in so many ways, her shadow, her silhouette, her reflection is always hanging over Marcille.

All that to say... headcanon-wise (everything from here on is 100% without evidence lmao), I'd like to think that she matured and realized that she failed Marcille. I imagine her being regretful about it, wanting a chance to fix it but never finding a way to insert herself back into Marcille's life when Marcille is so so so busy becoming the most accomplished mage possible. I imagine her being herself again, now, so many years after her loss and after remarrying -- but with her cheerfulness tempered with a lot more wisdom and the pain of having gone through loss like that. I think the second Marcille actually tells her what happened in the dungeon, she'd want to go running to her daughter again -- if Marcille tells her the full truth instead of just being embarrassed she let things get that far. (oh, the tragedy of her wanting to be more like her mother and an accomplished adult who doesn't need to be babied... being embarrassed to actually tell her mother how much she fucked up...)

There's also the tension of her having remarried -- I know that there's at least a little bit of resentment that Marcille harbours about that, because she's childish like that at heart even if she makes an effort not to externalize it. I think that her mother would be aware of that, potentially adding to her sense of guilt and apprehension at trying to reappear/intrude on Marcille's life. I honestly don't think Marcille has met her stepfather -- or even considers him a stepfather rather than "mama's new husband" and kind of a total stranger. I think she and her mother actively don't talk about it in their correspondence, like an elephant in the room.

but, ultimately, I think her mother is on her side no matter what. Ancient magic? Dark necromancy? Sure, she'll feel guilty and like she was partially responsible for setting Marcille down such a painful path, but she wouldn't care. that's her daughter!! she would've moved back west and been petitioning for her at the court, buying a house right next to the Canaries barracks and visiting her every day that she wasn't on a mission. And if her husband had opinions on Marcille becoming a "dark arts user," he either gets over it or it's divorce with him. Yes, she might have had her optimism completely humbled by losing Donato like that -- but she's still headstrong and self-assured and she doesn't care what people think of her. It's her way or the highway and she's always going to be in Marcille's corner.

(She also needs a name lol. I went with Juno, just to be cute about "Marcille"s closest real life equivalent being Marcella, which is the female version of Marcellus, which in turn is a diminutive of Marcus, which was derived from Mars. Absolutely in love with Marcille potentially being named after Ares/Mars the fucking god of war btw)

#asks #she could easily be interpreted as distant or neglectful after Donato's death too #with how little involvement she has in Marcille's life/the fact that Marcille doesn't even mention her when talking about her life prospect #and that's fair! I will argue to hell and back that she was a loving parent when Donato was alive #but there's nothing that suggests she remained a loving parent afterwards #I just think that like... parental relationships are so complicated in dungeon meshi #you cannot deny that the toudens' mother loved them dearly but that she failed them both miserably as a parent #and i think it'd be more compelling if Marcille's mother was a little like that too #not a totally and easily dismissable deadbeat #but someone who truly loves her daughter but was only human herself and couldn't be what Marcille needed at a crucial moment #and regrets it deeply #and that the distance between them is mutually self-imposed by complicated feelings of guilt and fear #and a little resentment from Marcille's side that she hasn't really properly processed #I don't know if I'll ever get around to writing it but i had this idea where Marcille does finally spill the beans to her mom and she just #immediately arrives in Melini #and its awkward for a bit but they do finally have a heart to heart and air it all out #and marcille starts freaking out that her marriage is rocky rn bc her new husband wants her to distance herself from marcille #on account of the crimes and all #marcille's like no you can't blow up your marriage for me and her mother just shuts that shit down #'you didn't choose to be born. i was the one who made that choice for you' #'i brought you into this world and i'll be damned if i don't take responsibility for that the entire way' #'you are entitled to *nothing less* than my unconditional love.' #and obviously that's not a sentiment that's exactly healthy as a universal statement about parenthood #but i think its what her mother would believe and what marcille needs to hear #and dungeon meshi does such a fantastic job at just... letting imperfect things just *be* without having to justify it immediately #it expects the audience to do their own critical thinking #and know that its not trying to make sweeping universal statements in every instance #marcilleposting #marcille donato

[corfisers]

i really need to finish this one day

#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully #anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason #incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up #you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot #he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him #in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened. #you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from #you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help? #doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance #proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long #yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him #yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that #and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do” #“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem” #(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.) #he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway #but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again. #something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh #for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been #which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad #but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence? #she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”. #wips tag

[anotherpapercut]

just officially sent in my resignation for my fucking childhood dream workplace

#my boss always talks about her 'guilt complex' lmao. as soon as i have another job and dont need to worry about burning bridges #im sending this bitch a letter detailing exactly why she deserves to feel guilty for the rest of her fucking life #i hope she lies awake at night picturing my face. fully intend on letting her know how close i came to killing myself. #fully intend on intentionally continuously saying its bc SHE MADE ME anxious and SHE MADE ME depressed #since she doesnt believe she can make me anxious #i hope she has to attend therapy. i want to make her feel as guilty as she made me feel like fucking shit #fully just wish nothing but the worst for her for the rest of her lonely miserable life. i hope she realizes soon that everyone hates her #truly one of the people she considers to be a close family member also works in our department and hates her! #talks all the time about how awful she is and how horribly she treats all of us #i hope she feels that hatred every day of her fucking life and i hope she never sees true happiness as a result #until the day that my memories of my childhood refuge from abuse are no longer tainted by HER abuse‚ i pray she never knows peace

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you

#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that #will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT. #anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure. #and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo #$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive #and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started #anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean #and i am just so sad right now #and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun #not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course #i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as #breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage #i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard #i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade #and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone. #i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that #:(( #honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug. #im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything

[ectonurites]

SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) DIR. KEVIN PHILLIPS ↳ JOSH TEMPLETON, ZACH TAYLOR, & ALLISON BANNISTER

#super dark times #zach taylor #josh templeton #allison bannister #fun tiny detail: in their big focus gifs... Josh is looking at Zach. Zach is looking at Allison. and Allison is looking at Josh <3 #im simply. rotating these three around in my brain 24/7 yk. so many thoughts about each individually and in the assorted combos #Zach and his guilt. his inability to accept the role he had in what happened to Daryl and how that seeps out into EVERYTHING #Josh and HIS guilt—trying to reconcile the events we saw through such a 'Zach's (paranoid) POV' filter into something coherent #Allison as the bookends of the story who doesn't even KNOW the majority of what happened—considering HER perspective on it all... #if i think about the inherent tragedy of Allison's attempt at romance with Zach i need to like scream into a pillow they make me insane #Josh and Zach's deteriorating friendship... to lose the trust of your best friend... to be so hurt by the person who knows you best... #and then i have so many QUESTIONS about Josh & Allison towards the end. What did they TALK about on those phone calls?? #because there was more than just the one that would have been necessary to plan him coming over with the weed?? #sam edits

[anmaries]

#throws up #she's always like this she's always so adamant on being the one to throw herself in the line of danger #it was much worse when she was younger and starting out inthe x-men but #it's still there!! #this need to suffer and sacrifice herself! #to prove that she can be good! #but not only that but because she still does not believe her life is necessary #why do u think she's so upset when wanda does her no more mutants things #partly because she STILL has her powers #she still is unable to touch #she still has to live with the fact that every day she has to exert massive energy to controlling herself #to make sure if she does touch it's only what's needed in the moment #being her is exhausting its tiring #having to inhibit a sense #just so that others can be around you #she's extremely dangerous and she's extremely guilt ridden #AND THIS LIKE SCOTT IS TALKING ABOUT SENDING A TEAM #and rogue is like no i'll do it by myself only i should risk my life because who actually cares im not even real #still so hung up on her past self and constantly trying to atone for it #and it's not even self sacrificial in a glory way she just genuinely doesn't care about herself that much

[kiruliom]

"we need more complex female characters" you guys couldnt handle rose quartz thats all Ill say

#listen I am biased because I am her but like #Im so mad at rebecca sugar because she messed up so hard with her #showing her character development backwards was a cool idea but was also her downfall because god forbid a gem makes mistakes #and tries to fix it but things just seem to get worse #Im not gonna talk about my exomemories however I am gonna say I was full of regret and guilt and needed distractions constantly #steven universe #not flagpost

[09lover]

my reaction after ()’s attempt to gaslight me for the uncountable time into trying to repair this broken relationship that they ruined

#es talks #no because why………… #you ended it i didnt do… anything…. (head in hands in disappointment) #story time here.. click for more if u wanna read..? #ill call them (). one day they texted me about our friend who ill call koru who unfollowed(?) them on twt because they kept #commenting (more of in a critical way..) about how their art was missing fingers despite it being drawn correctly. so they tried to somewhat #force me to stop talking to koru and shit talks about them to me…. which i still remained in contact with koru and told them everything #so we stayed as besties and eventually () came by to visit me and eventually found out i was still friends with koru then decided to throw a #temper tantrum and ignore me to the point their mother had to get involved… which still didnt work out after their mother helping us 3 times #then our … like 4 years or longer relationship just went down the drain… all because of that. #unfriended me and also started shit talking me to their friends then just yesterday which i found out today #<- discord btw -> she then sent me multiple messages in some gcs we were in… calling me disgusting & said i shouldnt ignore wtf i did in #an attempt to gaslight me thinking what i did was gen wrong and also guilt tripping me to crawl back to her to beg and apologize as i always #do… but i just had enough ehfjejdje #well ill most likely delete this later just needed to get this out of my system!

[vvanessaives]

can i ask everyone's opinion on smth? so that i can understand if i'm being a childish asshole or like just being a normal human being not wanting to do smth

basically next month there's the wedding of one of my cousins and my family was invited. my brother said he's not coming since the start while my parents will go and my mother wants specifically that i go with them. while i already don't really want to go to this wedding (bc i'm not really close to this part of the family and i don't want to spend time with one of my cousins that will be there as well bc i hate her lmao) i told my mom that i would suck it up and come IF someone stayed home with our dog. at first my brother said that he'd stay here with him but now he changed his mind so we would have to leave our dog to someone else for one day + i guess half of the next day bc we would have to move to a different city to attend the wedding.

my parents say i'm being irrational and there's nothing to worry about leaving our dog but while i know that, i just can't find the heart to leave him for smth like a wedding i don't want to go to and of a cousin i literally don't speak to since years (i don't even know the bride). my dog is nearly completely blind and is a senior dog now and i don't want to leave him for smth like this but my parents argue that next year i will be forced to leave him for a few days bc of my brother's graduation (since he studies in a different region we will have to move there) so they say it's dumb that i won't leave him now when i'll clearly do so next year but they don't get that while i'm 'forced' to attend my brother's graduation since he's, uh, my brother ofc, in this case it's smth absolutely avoidable but my mother cries out that 'she's never able to bring her kids to these family events' (italian families and their having to keep appearances..). also my dog hates the car and is always anxious when he has to travel with one which we would need to take him to the place we would have him stay and then take him back home. so i just want to know if i should stop bitching about this and go to this fucking wedding or they are the ones that are being too obsessed with forcing their adult child to come to a goddamn wedding of ppl i never see and never speak to

#rena.txt #sorry it's long but i just need to hear some input on this i feel like i'm going insane they are guilt tripping me into this wedding with #all this talk of my sad poor mom never having the chance to bring her kids to a damn wedding and my being childish bc #i'd leave our dog for my brother's graduation but not for this wedding. like my father is being so needlessly stupid about this he said #okay then when the graduation will come i'll stay home with the dog bc that's how u are acting rn. making my brother side against me #LIKE NO ONE GETS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY BROTHER AND THE COUSIN OF THE HALF-BROTHER OF MY MOM?????? I NEVER SPEAK TO?????? #ofc i'd have to attend my brother's day. he'd hate me if i didn't go!!!!! ofc it would hurt to leave my dog but i need to for my brother #idk i'm so. sometimes i think i'm the only one able to think in this house. or i guess maybe i'm just being selfish rn???

[dylanconrique]

HOW HAVE WE NOT GOTTEN THE INTIMACY OF A CHENFORD SCENE OF TIM AND LUCY SNUGGLING IN BED WHILE HAVING AN MORE IN DEPTH DISCUSSION ABOUT HER “DAY OF DEATH” AND HOW EACH OF THEM FELT FROM THEIR POV’S ABOUT THE EVENTS OF THAT PETRIFYING DAY AND HOW IT IMPACTED THEM AND HOW IT IMPACTS THEM NOW THAT THEY’RE A COUPLE??????

#*and this is icarly! #the rookie #tim bradford #lucy chen #chenford #otp: you know me so well #THEY ONLY TALKED ABOUT IT THAT ONCE IN THE SHOP A FEW EPISODES AFTER DOD #AND IT WAS SO LITTLE WE NEED MOOORRE!!!!!! #THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY TIM HAS ENTIRELY LET THAT GO #I KNOW TIM! I KNOW MY MAN! I KNOW HE STILL CARRIES THE GUILT OF HER GETTING KIDNAPPED WITH HIM!!!! #ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THESE DISCUSSIONS BETWEEN THEM ABT LUCY'S CAREER AS A UC #IT'S LOSING HER ALTOGETHER !!!!!!!! #GETTING ONE OF THOSE FATEFUL CALLS THAT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE WAS BRUTALLY KILLED ON THE JOB #HE ALMOST LOST HER ONCE AND IT SENT HIM FLYING OFF THE HANDLE #THINK OF WHAT LOSING HER COULD DO TO HIM NOW #god there were so many little hints foreshadowing the finale and i really think that it's lucy who gets shot in the finale 😭😭😭😭 #but i'm also fully prepared to be wrong on that one 🤣🤣

[pepprs]

doing really bad in ways i can’t talk about which is making it worse

#just cancelled a meeting so i could cry in the office LMAOOOOOOO 🥰👍 #purrs #the mortifying ordeal of my therapist being on her honeymoon rn 😹😹😹😹😹 #i think i am just a bad person and my needs hurt people who need me. and it’s not fair to them and idont know what to do with that. #i think i may have to move out sooner than i am ready to and not listen to anyone telling me to keep waiting. this is not sustainable. it’s #not sustainable for my family because i hurt them with my needs. and it’s not sustainable for me to be unable to need and get what i need #without hurting them. i think what’s so hard about this is that i have to do it alone and everyone is against me doing it but i have to do #it anyway. i don’t know. i don’t want my sister to see this and get hurt. if you do see this im sorry i can’t be what you need. im sorry my #needs hurt you. but they’re needs. i have to be selfish even though my brain is screaming at me in your voice that i don’t. i just need to #escape it all. i am allowed to need independence and alone time and im sorry i was cruel about asserting it but i need to assert it and no #one at home understands why but I need to. im not talking coherently i just feel so wretched and sick to my stomach with guilt and grief and #frustration and shame and i have to facilitate a huge session in an hour and a half. #delete later #like my friends / mutuals / mentors / etc can tell me until they’re blue in the face that i am not a bad person and i deserve to live an #independent Life etc etc but none of you are actually in my house and you don’t see how it is and how i am the cause of all of it and how im #stuck and making things worse. and i can’t summon my strength or calm down or anything. i don’t know. i have to get ready for the session i #just can’t even think straight. my family is right and i am also right and i can’t assert my rightness over theirs. so im stuck forever. #if i could i would leave work early and go home but there’s no one to take me home and home is actually the worst possible place to be #right now LOLLLLL. i just need to curl into a bed and cry. also im about to get my period so thats probably why im like this lol

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family #on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know. #she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me. #&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me #into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way #after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public #that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later #after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her #&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault. #so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally #everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao. #&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad #about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY. #i do not fucking UNDERSTAND. #i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why. #the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all #while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me. #but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime #&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool. #a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.

[reginaofdoctorwho]

trying very very hard to not want to break up with my boyfriend

#i love him so much #and i know he loves me #but my anxiety or depression or both or whatever it is is fucking me up again #and i don't want it to fuck him up too #i can't talk about it with him because yeah he already knows i have problems with it #and he's told me before to tell him if it starts getting bad again #but also his ex would do that shit to guilt him into not breaking up w her #(like sh-ing and showing him after as a guilt trip thing) #and his grandpa shot himself and he was really fucked up by it #and like i don't think i'm gonna do THAT #but i don't want to bring those memories up for him #i just feel like shit all the time my eating and sleeping is getting affected i'm getting migraines more #i failed out of my college program by 10 points on the final (or 4 on final and 1 on every other test) #i just feel like shit #i already had to fucking ask him to keep a bag of shit i could sh with so that i couldn't get to it #which is gonna be a fucking trip trying to get back #and YES i will eventually need to get it back since half that shit were gifts #and if i break up with him i'll need to get it back before then #like my fucking emotions are getting fucked too #he got covid a couple weeks ago and we had to miss a concert i was looking forward to since september #which is fine he's fine everyone is fine #but i was close to fucking crying and my mom made me go out with her and my brother since she needs help with him sometimes #so i had to fucking numb #which i'd been trying not to do #and today he mentioned that he was hanging out with his friends NYE #he forgot we had plans for NYE to be together #kiss at midnight all that shit #and he was like 'i'm so sorry i thought you were busy i forgot we made plans i can still hang out with you' #but mentioned how he'd have to pick me up and then drive home super late after #zel starts to dwell

[fitzfunnymoments]

GOD I need to stop feeling bad for talking about my special interests (or really anything tbh) I just apologized to my mom (who is LITERALLY one of the only supportive people I have in this family) for infodumping about Little Robots </3

#fitz's cursed thoughts #I don't even just do this with her #when I infodump I stop myself and then I feel bad and apologize #maybe it's the trauma from my ex friend idk #but GOD I wish recovery was quicker and easier I'm tired of being like this :( #sorry I didn't intend for this to come off as negative #it's more like. me realizing I need to unlearn the intense guilt I feel for talking about things I like #believe me I am trying my best to get better #it's just REALLY hard lol #especially since I've been like this for years now