#but STILL whatever

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[noknowshame]

why is religious Christmas imagery all so joyful and pleasant? where is the inherent horror of the birth of Christ? A mother is handed her newborn child, wailing and innocent. Her hands come away sticky. Red. Simply by giving her son life she has already killed him. He is doomed from the beginning. Her love will not save him from suffering. Because the thing cradled in her arms is not a baby, it is a sacrifice: born amongst the other bleating animals whose blood will one day be spilled in the name of what demands it. the night is silent with anticipation. Mary, did you know? That your womb was also a grave?

#instant conversation enders for my multiple youth pastor cousins #don’t say it (I’m gonna say it) #The Child is The Price #but i mean come on #as someone who isn't actually even christian the real-life historical version of this is still cursed as fuck #i mean we know that jesus was a person who existed. whatever circumstances he was born in #its terrifyingly ominous to imagine being so unaware of the affect your child will have on the future of humanity #time itself will one day be counted around your birth of him #and all because he will suffer an excruciatingly painful death that you will not be able to prevent #not only that. but regardless of his or your intentions #regardless of whether there is a god #for millenea unfathomable millions will have blood spilled and will spill blood in his name #atrocities will be committed that you cannot even conceive of #and all on his and your behalf #you love your child. its beautiful. but there's horror in what you've done. because everyone else will love him too #and what's more dangerous than that?

[nyonyia]

"out of respect, we mongols don't say 'wolf' out loud. we call it by its secret names: shaggy-head, caterpillar, king of the mountain"

devastating implications for the etymology of bear

#though i guess fear and respect can go hand in hand #but still whatever

[tawaifeddiediaz]

you know what boils my blood.

over the last 2 weeks, i've seen countless patients walk into my urgent care center, symptomatic for so many things, refusing to get tested for covid and flu, citing that they don't want to knowingly bring it to their holiday tables. i had a patient tell me, verbatim, "i don't want to test for covid, because i don't want to be the asshole who brings it on a plane."

i understand that - i understand that holidays are times where people look forward to meeting loved ones that they might only see once a year, or where they get a break from the hectic back and forth of their lives.

but here's the thing - whether they get tested or not, they will bring whatever they have to their holiday tables. it's pure recklessness to know that you're sick, and walk into someone else's house spreading the disease.

today, january 2, i saw 91 patients, many of them who have tested positive for covid and flu. many of these patients are the same ones who didn't want testing 3 days ago, until their events were over, and now, they will have to reach out to everyone they know to let them know that they were positive because they were showing symptoms well before their event.

the next week or two? we're going to see many, many more, all people with symptoms that started around christmas. these are the only two viruses we test for rapidly in our office, but they are potent and can be fatal in many people.

so here's why i wrote this post, and maybe it's a little late, but - if you care about your loved ones, please get tested if you know you're sick. it doesn't have to be at a clinic if you don't want it to, because the over-the-counter tests work just fine too (if you test within 5-7 days of symptom onset). just...please don't try to run from the knowledge that you might have covid, because immunocompromised people, elderly people, people with co-morbidities like asthma, pregnancy, diabetes, etc...many of them may not recover. and they may not be sitting at your holiday table in the future because of it.

#zee rambles #this isn't to guilt trip anyone #but im so so tired of people coming in and just refusing testing because they want to see grandma or whatever #and on top of that people are avoiding vaccinations and all that too?? #we all lived through the pandemic - everyone saw how many people unfortunately passed away from it #now because of vaccinations and some amount of herd immunity we're finding milder cases in healthy people #but that doesn't mean its gone #that doesn't mean it doesn't have long-term repercussions even in healthy people and that doesn't mean people aren't still dying from it #honestly i just needed a lil rant #and if this helps at least one person??? im all for it #also i can't sleep so here we are spilling thoughts into the voidddd

[kithj]

good games i've played on itchio lately:

please tell me you love me - chat with your guild members for the last time before the game's servers are shut down

GIRLKILLER (covet) - there is a girl who looks like you, and today you're going to kill her

cover me in leaves - stuck in your small hometown, you get your first tattoo. and then a few more, and more, and more

don't rock the boat - play through the different perspectives of a women's crew team as they are stalked by something in the water

GUTLESS - you are the captain of a deep sea vessel. your mission doesn't go well

so, about last night... - you wake up sick and weirdly hungry after hooking up with someone at a party. you spend the next night trying to find her.

close the window, my love - short bitsy poem about closing the window. sound on! this creator has a lot of short bitsy works i recommend.

there is a beautiful star - just a short, cute side scroller. lots of short, lighthearted games from them, definitely recommend for a mood booster.

#these are all p short except for so about last night gutless and rock the boat #still not super long tho #these are all on my itch page too but whatever lmfao #also cringe i feel so awkward writing descriptions but i dont really have a lot to say personally #except. Good Game 👍 #also sorry recommending gutless a second time sue me #i think girlkiller is my favorite atm... i like the ambiguity in that one and two different endings #games

[mroddmod]

everyone be quiet i'm manifesting

#the bad batch #tbb #star wars #star wars the bad batch #sw tbb #tbb omega #tbb wrecker #tbb crosshair #tbb echo #tbb tech #tbb hunter #mods art #mods draws #my art #YAYYYYY ITS DONE #i've been tinkering w this for like a couple weeks now i think #just on and off #whenever i was nervous about their fates or just generally sad about them i would work on this #it was supposed to make me feel better but it would usually just make me more sad 😭😭 #but i still really like how it turned out!!! so that's cool #very self indulgent but!!! whatever #i think i'll add this to my inprnt soon too :) so keep a look out for that i guess lol #okay byeeeeee #ALSO THE NEW EP WAS SO GOOD #okay bye fr

[serialunaliver]

I think skinny people who have never been fat should shut up about who gets body shamed more permanently

#now that i'm thin again i'm realizing even people closest to me were constantly degrading me when I was fat #and no it doesn't hit the same as my mom saying i'm too skinny or whatever. i'll still go outside and be treated better. #and for what? why do you care?

[rawrsatthetree]

Astarion is so funny if you’re good at using him in your party

Astarion: I’m so weak and need to be protected the only thing I’m good for is sex I’m so helpless

Also Astarion: one shot sniping half the enemies, single handedly taking out the bosses by doing 50 plus critical damage, barley takes any damage while the rest of the party is stumbling back to camp with 2 hp, has the best mobility to help pick everyone up when they’re downed, not to mention gutting everyone with duel wielded daggers and short swords, can take like 50 actions in a turn.

#ya whatever I get it’s because caz made him feel weak #but it’s still funny when he’s literally carrying the rest of the party #couldn’t get through the game without him #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #astarion #bg3 astarion #baldurs gate astarion #baldurs gate

[egophiliac]

IT WAS ERIC AFTER ALL!!!! I'm so glad we got to meet him (before Vil snaps him away with those Infinity Gauntlets) (can't wait to see what happens when we get the matching Infinity Tiara to go with them, there will be no survivors)

(sorry to be so slow/rough lately, just got a lot of stuff on the ol' brain at the moment! alas, if only I could spend all my time drawing incredibly stupid characters I mean I do but)

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #tapis rouge #i know these are not my best but by god i needed to draw ~daddo venue~ #he is a treat! can't wait for him to yell at us for screwing up a shoot or whatever the last-minute disaster will be #i am SO HAPPY it turned out to be about movies after all! ...i mean sort of anyway #i'll take what i can get (and i do enjoy twst trying to be all cute about snow whAHEM i mean beautiful queen) (i see you there twst) #(also to be fair it actually wasn't poisoned in historial-revisionism-twstland so i think we can trust this apple. a+ acting eric) #anyway we are still. very solidly in the 'stand around and talk about the wallpaper for three hours' part of the event. #but HEY we got to meet eric! i was not really expecting it to be him so i am VERY pleased #also god help me i did think the shopping montage as portrayed by a rhythmic where they literally SKIP down the street was hilarious #there's a lot of Choices that were made in this event and that was a good one

[nikoco11]

i had a nice thought today !!!

#usually my art thoughts r like. rlly self deprecating so this was a rlly pleasant surprise #smth smth glad i’m still drawing smth smth glad i stuck around whatever etc etc #illustration #comic #my comic #doodle #digital art #artists on tumblr #drawing #my art

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[ofswordsandpens]

its funny because Percy has been spiraling ever since pjo and whenever he has a particularly bad episode you have other characters actively worried about it and you think to yourself surely they're going to intervene, surely someone is going to talk to him about it, and then like no one ever does lol

#I STILL HAVE NOT READ CHALICE #so maybe something's there #but I think Jason in boo was the closest thing we got (percy initiated the conversation) #but like... I still dont think Jason recognized/understood the extent to which percy was spiraling #and to be fair Jason was not present in tartarus so he wouldn't truly know but like #I dont think annabeth's approached the topic with him #at least not on a non superficial level #or if she did it happened offscreen #anyways #if percy deflects or loses it or whatever you can't say the warning signs weren't there lmao #pjo #percy jackson #mine

[woahcoolbear]

rose again......

#doctor who #rose tyler #art #i think the likeness is still just slightly off but im happy n in love a little ......whatever...

[lelelego]

welcome to novac, stranger

#novac my dearly beloved #fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #this was the first page of a comic i've since ditched because................................ too much work lol #but it was about how eli and boone first (kind of) met! #still debating if what i had planned is kind of cringe or if i should just say whatever and go fuck it embrace cringe #doodly thingy

[snarkspawn]

advocatus diaboli

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #karlach #tiefling #barbarian #bg3 fanart #bg3 karlach #bg3 art #userpharawee #stuff and things #ugh idk I'm struggling with my art a bit lately and it's. fcking annoying!! #so this clearly isn't finished (whatever that means) #but I don't hate how it looks yet #so I'm just quickly going to throw it out there before I can start to overthink myself into disliking it lmao #easing my way back into liking what and how I draw. slowly but surely #anyway. karlach!! I still love her

[machinerot]

#my art #harry du bois #kim kitsuragi #disco elysium #disco elysium fanart #harrykim #kimharry #or whatever they're called #let this man have happiness or so help me #im a firm believer in harry getting a slow post-recovery glow up alright. it's the least i can do for the guy. #man i was listening to so many banger songs while making this #im still getting back in the flow of painting so most of my stuff is kinda messy still #but i suspect ill find a middle ground between this and my last piece style-wise #gearing up to drawing kim in all his glory too now that ive finished two different side profiles of him. only a matter of time now #also fun little fact. i drew over half of this (~4 ? hours) using just my finger on the trackpad of my laptop lol #sometimes it helps me to just put shapes and colors down. when ive got a pen i get too nitpicky about being perfect/using fancy techniques #sometimes all you need is. finger 🫶 #OH!! i forgot to mention someone spotted it in the tags—yes this is based on that one leyendecker piece!!