#but THEN they proposed the idea of a dinner party w my aunt and uncle coming over and eating w us which was.. fucking stupid

[cliveguy]

me n my mum bond over hating our extended family skdkksks

#her fam are just assholes but my dads fam are ughhhhHHH #so my mum went away on a residential trip w the school she works at and she was away for one night #and my grandparents came up to stay in town fr a few days which they do p often now but we thor #*thot #itd be a good idea to have them around in case my dad needed taking to the hospital or smth #(i can't drive lol) #and coincidentally my uncle and aunt were passing thru town and also decided to stay nearby #so on the day my mum was away my grandparents came over for lunch which is fine. its all very fussy n i was basically a host #against my will but like.. fine whatever it happens we all have family obligations #but THEN they proposed the idea of a dinner party w my aunt and uncle coming over and eating w us which was.. fucking stupid #my grandma cooked but we had to get shit ready and ofc i had to cook for my brother and sister bc they eat earlier bc ofc they get up early #for school #everyone arrived around when i put my brother n sister to bed n i was like. no im not doing this sorry lol #everyone knows im trans but we dont acknowledge it and idk my uncle and aunt all that well #and theyre all very loud so i get stressed and anxious #so i just went to my room and said i was feeling unwell lol #and they were SO fucking loud like i had my headphones on full blast and i cld hear them all yelling and laughing until midnight #which is fine for me bc i dont sleep rly #but my brother n sister needed to be up at 6 for school and there was no way they were sleeping w that noise #and then everyone left and didnt even clean up #n my dad was Exhausted bc guess what. they werent supposed to come n eat our food they were supposed to fuuucking be on standby #in case we needed to get him to the hospital bc he had a blood transfusion the DAY before #so anyway my mum found out and was so pissed off she banned my uncle and aunt frm our house lol #they're annoying anyway and keep doing this #like #my grandparents come over SO often and ofc i cant hide in my room every time jsjdkskdk #the convo always goes to politics by accident and theyre bro brexit as well which is 😬 #anyway i luv ranting and shit talking w my mum is fun #bc she rants abt how annoying our fam have always been and then i rant for 20 mins abt how someone i knew didnt know #how to use tissues properly andnjsmd

[veryfineday]

Monday 1 October 1832

5 55/..

12

fine morning Fahrenheit 66º. at 7 - out at 7 5/.. in the walK with DicK breaKing ashes - the only one worKing for me by day - and talKing to PicKles en passant - plenty of level from mytholm far fields to Lower brea - could bring the water from the clough there to the of the garden at Shibden - george R-[Robinson] to see if the WilKinsons would agree to let it pass thro’ their fields in an open drain - distance 700 yards to Lower brea - P-Pickles would do the road to the house from godley turnpike at 40/.[shillings] a rood - to be covered a foot thicK with boulder broKen very fine - would be 65 roods - no bur-walling would be required –

breakfast with my father at 8 - waited to wish marian a pleasant journey to market Weighton per Highflier at 11 a.m. - out again at 9 1/4 - along the walK by Lower brea and the new road to meet miss W-[Walker] and met her near Hipperholme lane ends at 9 50/.. - we rested in the hut, and she being not quite strong and well (obliged to go out of afternoon church yesterday in the middle of the service) advised her not going farther and walKed home with her –

we sat from a little past ten to ten minutes to four  sign she was not tired of my company   I said my aunt had questioned me and that I had really owned her suspicions were right  that I could make a good excuse for her Miss W[alker] and thought she had better call another day  when both parties would be prepared to receive each other more at ease  said how kind my aunt would be to her how pleased she was etc. etc, proposed her living with me at Shibden  and letting Cliffhill  she spoke of her great attachment to the latter  I advocated skil[l]fully and I think successfully the advantages of Shibden  and said that less money needed be laid out than she perhaps imagined  explained that there would be more eclat and independence even for her at Shibden than at Cliffhill and that she had but a life interest in the one  and might the same in the other 

said I expected to have ultimately two thousand a year  she told me it was more than she expected from my manner of speaking before   I then asked if she thought she could be happy enough with me to give up all thought of ever leaving me  this led her into explaining  that she had said she would never mar[r]y but that as she had once felt an inclination not to keep to this  she could not yet so positively say she should never feel the same inclination again  she should not like to deceive me and begged not to answer just now  I said she was quite right  praised her judiciousness  that my esteem and admiration wer[e] only heightened by it  that no feelings of selfishness should make me even wish my happiness rather than hers  that I would give her six months  till my next birthday  (she twenty nine twentieth May last)  to make up her mind in and should only hope that as we saw more of each other  my reasons for despair would not increase  she thought I had given her a long  we then rallied each other  she declaring she would give no answer till the time and I maintaining that in spite of her I should find it out   to all my thorough love speeches of anxiety and impatience  hoping she would not think me too foolish  she invariably replied indeed she did not think me foolish at all in fact I think  I was too agreeable to be found any fault with 

on the plea of feeling her pulse I took her hand and held it some time  to which she shewed no objection  in fact we both probably felt more like lovers than friends  I said if she felt a quarter the regard for me I did for her I should be satisfied but if she ever felt half  I should me[be] more than happy    she said that would come  in fact I think it will I had said she had more heart and more of something like romance than her sister   yes and she told me she always thought I had a tincture of romance about me    I praised her penetration it seems she had observed and felt my manner of sitting by her when she called with her uncle and aunt Atkinson  I said that was done because I really could not help it  or I should have sat by Mrs. Atkinson she said she had thought om[of] me every day at Wastwater  and could not help thinking now of the very great anxiety she somehow felt to get home again  she had always an idea that her thirtieth year would be a very important one   she already feels towards me she scarce knows what and is surely in the high road to being in love  yes I think she will take me  I see I must be uncommonly and fastidiously delicate   I wanted to hint at the propriety of her leaving me for a minute or two on our getting to Lidgate  but she was too modest to seem to understand me at all I see there is evidently coming on all the shyness usual in such cases   well I shall like her all the better for it and am already fairly in love myself   

read her what π [Mariana] said in her last about Eugenie and said what I had written   much confidential conversation  I had near been in Spain  might have settled with a woman of rank and fashion and two thousand a year  (alluding to Lady Gordon)  but could not make up my mind till I knew what chance I had elsewhere fancy all powerful etc. etc.  yet amid all she never let slip her own income    we sat from soon after ten to ten minutes to four in the hut   then saw her home  sat till she had had some gruel and biscuit and wine and walked with her  almost to Cliffhill  so as just to avoid being seen and left her at six and a half    thought I she is in for it if ever girl was  and so am I too walked leisurelt home by the new road  sat a little while in the hut and   

home at 6 1/2 -  marian off this morning as intended at 11 - a little while with my father and aunt who seems better today - Dinner at 7 - musing or asleep till 9 3/4 - sat up talKing to my aunt till 11 10/.. at which hour came to my room - fine day - Fahrenheit 66º. at 11 1/2 p.m. -

[margin: gave her (first thing I ever did give save the key of the walk gate at the same time tho first) one the last but one I have  of the little gold gondola brooches I brought from Venice -]

#anne lister code breaker #1832 #ann walker #Marian Lister #aunt anne