#but all my friends are straight + majority are religious so I’m scared | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zhuhongs · 3 years

Text

Ever since I watched Your Name Engraved Herein two weeks ago, I have wanted to talk about Jiahan as whole but in particular this scene right here that starts around the 40 minute mark.

CW’s: discussion of religion, internalized homophobia, violent homophobia, choking, and lack of consent. Generally, the same cws as in the movie.

Read more bc it’s uh.. 2.7k

all images are described in alt text

As soon as I watched this scene I just knew it had to be really significant and now rewatching YNEH, I realize that this is a major ideological turning point for Jiahan as a character. From this point on he slowly begins to accept that he’s gay and starts to consciously act on his feelings for Birdy. However, I must first add some context and insights on Jiahan’s prior behavior before I dive into this scene as a whole. At the beginning of the movie, we see that while Jiahan feels different from the rest of his roomates, he still sneaks out with them when they go hook up with girls, despite not showing any interest in the girl he’s with. He feels very different from the rest of his friends, but still goes along with them due to peer pressure. Later, he tries to dissuade them from violently hazing the gay student, Xie Zhenhong, (his name is never said in the film but it says so on his uniform shirt, and that what I’ll refer to him as for the rest of the post) but is reluctantly influenced to gang up on the student as well. He closes his eyes while he’s about to strike the bat down on the student, until Birdy rescues the student-- and Jiahan in a way-- from what is about to play out. After this, his friends accuse him of being in the same stall as Birdy (which he was) but he denies it, not wanting to explain why he was there and the ensuing taunting from his friends.

While its obvious that Jiahan has feelings for Birdy, he isn’t confident enough to pursue them outright. Birdy is the more confident one in both their friendship and in his sexuality, not caring about how anyone perceives him and does what he wants regardless of the consequences. Jiahan is the one worried about societal stigma and goes along with things he doesn’t want to do. However after this encounter with the gay underclassman pictured above, Jiahan become more brave and honest about his feelings towards Birdy. Interestingly enough in the scene directly after this, Birdy begins to conceal his true feelings for Jiahan and pursue a straight relationship with Banban. He doesn’t do this hurt Jiahan, as he does reciprocate Jiahan’s feelings, but to discourage him from coming out and becoming a social pariah for being gay. Birdy himself doesn’t mind being an outcast, but he does not want to see the same thing happen to the one he loves. So instead of letting Jiahan do that, he tries to discourage Jiahan from ever pursuing him by getting a girlfriend and suggest Jiahan does the same. In the same day, both Jiahan and Birdy come to opposite realizations about their feelings for the other, thereby changing their dynamic for the course of the movie. Someone else has picked apart Birdy’s scene in their own post. If you haven’t read that analysis, please go read it, because its really good at explaining Birdy’s character since most of his story isn’t directly revealed to us. We must read inbetween the lines and piece it together, which can be confusing on a first watch.

Anyways, now we can focus on Jiahan. At this point in the movie, Jiahan is trying to understand why he’s upset that Birdy is showing interest in a girl in their band while dealing with his own internalized homophobia and denial over his sexuality. He then turns to the only out gay person he knows -- Xie Zhenhong, who he sees in the cafeteria with new bruises on his face. He looks at Jiahan with a smile. This makes me feel like Zhenhong probably picked up on Jiahan and Birdy’s feelings for each other since last year, when he saw them exit the same stall in the bathroom. Having been the Distinguished Out Person in a group before, I can definitely relate to the way Zhenhong reacts to Jiahan. It the typical “oh honey, you don’t realize it yet, but I know you’re gay” reaction.

Jiahan waits outside the cafeteria and calls out to out him from behind. At first Zhenhong ignores him as we can see that he smirks a bit when he first speaks. He definitely heard Jiahan but doesn’t answer him until he repeats himself a few times. Zhenhong purposely stops when the two are in front of the stained glass window, away from others. Jiahan’s word choice towards Zhenhong is also interesting as he addresses him as “學弟” which is a term for an underclassman. To my understanding, it’s not overly formal nor is it overly familiar, however it is the nicest way that anyone has addressed him all movie. Jiahan than asks him who gave him those bruises, showing concern for his well being. He then reveals why he stopped Zhenhong saying “Actually I want to ask you, when did you start liking boys?” This really seals the deal to Zhenhong that Jiahan is talking to him to try and sort out his own feelings towards Birdy. While his suggestion that Zhenhong perhaps “see a doctor” or “consider getting a girlfriend” read as a microaggression to most viewers, Zhenhong himself can tell that Jiahan is asking him this in good faith. And perhaps, this might be the most understanding anyone has been towards him since Birdy helped him out prior. Before he responds, he looks up at Jiahan and fixes his bangs. This all stumps Jiahan whose eyes dart around, speechless. Zhenhong then circles his arms around Jiahan’s neck, a very intimate gesture, and studies him for a moment. We cannot see Jiahan’s face at this moment but he does shuffle slightly, his body language nervous and confused, but not upset. After looking at him, Zhenhong then goes in closer, assumedly to kiss him. At this point, Jiahan physically stops him and grabs him by the throat. However, Jiahan’s face doesn’t seem to be angry, if anything, his face looks more scared and confused-- akin to a ‘what are you doing?’ moment.

Initially Zhenhong’s choice to kiss Jiahan read very...strangely to me. Why would the screenwriter, as a gay man that grew up in the 80’s, choose to include this? What was there to gain? To me it seemed like it was reinforcing the stereotype of gay men being overly flirtacious and viewed as predators. Why show a nonconsentual attempted kiss at all? I thought about it a lot, both for this scene and the following one with the old man and later between Jiahan and Birdy because it seemed?? Odd to me?? Isn’t that a disservice in representing gay men? I don’t fully have the right answer but I feel like by writing the scene like this, it goes to demonstrate how Jiahan still isn’t fully comfortable with being gay. And also that lgbt people, especially teens, aren’t always going to be good rep. Liu Kuang-hui wasn’t writing the movie to be an perfect, morally uplifting, santized gay narritive. He was writing something that spoke to his real life experience as a gay man in 1980’s Taiwan. In real life, people do questionable things and good narratives are supposed to make you question characters and their actions and judge for yourself whether what they did was right or wrong. The narrative isn’t looking to condemn Xie Zhenhong for doing this. Xie Zhenhong is ultimately a victim of violent homophobia, that will not hide himself or his sexuality despite the violence he faces. He isn’t perfect, nor is Jiahan, nor is Birdy, nor is anyone in the film.

Although now having rewatched this scene upwards of eight times in writing this, it feels like Zhenhong didn’t assume this action to be without consent. Of course, no words were explicitly exchanged about kissing, and I’m not trying to make the case that it’s okay to kiss someone without their consent, that’s harassment. However, Zhenhong did gave Jiahan time to express his discomfort before proceeding. Zhenhong first got close to Jiahan by brushing his bangs, Jiahan did not say anything or look visibly uncomfortable. He then put his arms around Jiahan’s neck, and stared at him for a good ten seconds. At this point, Jiahan had time to say he was uncomfortable. As we know it, consent does indeed entail a verbal, understood yes from both parties. However given the context, I can understand why Zhenhong thought that Jiahan was consenting at that moment. However the moment Jiahan revoked his consent Zhenhong stopped trying to kiss him. Zhenhong shouldn’t have gone in without getting verbal consent, and Jiahan could’ve done something other than grabbing him by the throat. They were both in the wrong. Violence shouldn’t have been the reaction, nor should’ve kissing someone without their verbal consent. The lines were very blurred, and proper communication could’ve resulted in a better interaction but like I mentioned above, I don’t think the writers wanted to portray the scene in that way. The intent was not to say that Zhenhong’s actions were romantic or something to emulate. It was very purposeful in showing to interplay of homophobia, gay desire, and religion.

The scene is set up like a religious confession. Zhenhong purposefully leads Jiahan to the stained glass, a metaphor for his religious guilt. He doesn’t look Zhenhong in the eyes, his voice is hushed, and body language nervous, and troubled-- it communicates to Zhenhong that he thinks he may be gay and wants either reassurance that he isn’t or acceptance that is. Regardless, it’s a very vulnerable and intimate moment. Jiahan is facing him like ‘hey, I know my friends were bullying you and I wanted to save you but was too much of a coward and almost took part in harming you. I’m sorry. I know you saw that me and Birdy were in the same stall together, and that you saw me just telling him not to talk to the girls, and neither of those are heterosexual things to do. Please, help me.’ He’s asking Zhenhong to pass judgement on him, is he gay or not? By virtue of even asking that question, they both know the answer -- Jiahan is in love with Birdy, but whether Jiahan can accept that or not is up to him. In a way, Zhenhong is testing Jiahan to see how honest he can be with himself. By approaching him like that, he’s testing to see whether Jiahan can accept being intimate with a man or not. It’s not a good or ethical test, but it sure is effective. Because in his head, Jiahan is coming to realize that he doesn’t mind a man being close to him in a romantic way. Although, he isn’t fully there yet. He still grabs Zhenhong. But as Zhenhong stares at him despite the hand around his throat, Jiahan really has to think about his actions. Is that what he really wants to do, or is that what he’s been taught to do? It illustrates his internalized homophobia perfectly. Jiahan is literally staring gay desire in the face, rejecting it, while in front of his religion. Zhenhong finally answers Jiahan that “he has always loved boys since he was little, it’s never changed.” Upon hearing that his grip loosens and he pulls away. And the fact that we can hear him well means that Jiahan was never choking him, his hand was there, but not gripping. Zhenhong pulls him in closer and tilts his head, and says “and it never will.” Zhenhong’s words are very deliberate. It’s as if he anticipated this might happen and knew exactly what to say. He wants to carve it in Jiahan’s brain that no one chooses to be gay. They always are and no amount of denial, like the kind Jiahan is showing, will change that. He then finally lets go of Jiahan, who is speechless, he thanks him, and leaves. Jiahan, however, stays there for a second, processing everything that has happened, and breathes heavily before the scene cuts to later that day.

Finally, I would like to examine exactly what Zhenhong’s “thanks” even means. Why would Zhenhong be thanking Jiahan? On the surface, it lookslike Jiahan waited for this guy to finish eating, then asked him invasive questions about his sexuality and suggest he should get help and then almost choked him. This should count as a microagression at best and an attempted hate crime at worst. But, as I just dived into, this wasn’t a bad faith jeer by Jiahan in order to bully Zhenhong, this was a genuine cry for help made by a deeply confused teenager. I feel like the “thanks.” at the end of the scene was perhaps just as puzzling to me as when I thought about why the staff would have that scene play out like that in the first place? I think his thanks is conveying many things. Firstly, thanking him for not actually hurting him and allowing him to have a semi normal interaction with a student of the same gender. As far as we know, many, MANY different students have tried to hurt him in the new semester alone. Hell, we literally do not even know his name as everyone refers to him by the q slur or some other derogatory term, which speaks a lot to how he is treated. He also may be saying thanks for actually asking him about his sexuality. While Jiahan still followed it up with a suggestion he see a doctor, he still genuinely wanted to know why rather fully assume he has something wrong with him. Also, I feel like he might be thanking Jiahan for being brave enough to actually confront his sexualtiy and ask Zhenhong for help in the first place. Zhenhong really seems to be alone as the only gay student at the school but now knowing that Jiahan is realizing thathe’s gay as well, might make him be hopeful that things may slowly begin to change. Sadly, this interaction is the last time we see Xie Zhenhong all film which sucks because I really liked him. And I feel like it would’ve been really nice to see him after the time skip or at least have Jiahan mention him because this moment was one of the things that really made Jiahan start to accept his sexuality. A cut scene with Father Oliver also contributed, but I really wish Xie Zhenhong got more narrative than being the only out student that was then violently bullied. But, I acknowledge that MANY scenes were cut from the film for length so I can’t complain to much.

Oh god, that was a lot to say about a scene that was literally a minute and thirty seconds long. In conclusion!! I just had a lot of things to say about this scene and the scenes surrounding it. I think Jiahan is just a very painfully relatable character for many LGBT viewers and he was incredibly relatable for me which is why I felt the need to spend my day off writing this as opposed to doing homework. This scene is incredibly rich on many levels and I really appreciate YNEH as a whole for not spoonfeeding the viewer information and letting us interpret and question the scenes on our own and come to our own conclusions about the characters and yea. There’s so much going on and a lot of nuance and idk how to properly convey a lot of my thoughts but I tried really hard bc i really do love this movie. I really was puzzled by this scene at first, but now having examined it, it is my favorite scene in the movie. If this scene was changed in any way to make it more palatable, it would’ve been nearly as impactful which was a hard decision to come to, but I stand by it. I don’t know if I feel the same about other scenes but I will be reviewing YNEH as a whole in a different post. I have much more to say but my thoughts on this scene were far too long to not make it a separate post of its own. In essence, YNEH is about growing up and accepting yourself in all ways. Not all of those things are pleasant but if you cannot accept those things about yourself, you’re doomed to be miserable until you can live life unburdened by your own and societies limitations. Goodnight, my fingers hurt.

#i think im like . the only one thats ever refered to that student by name on tumblr dot com.. that ive seen #your name engraved herein #刻在你心底的名字 #chang jiahan #long post #🐌.pdf #also i rewrote and reworded this sooo many times to get it to sound the way i want fjvjdjdjs bc this movie has so much to talk abt and word #it right bc like yea.. yk... bc like... yea #its 1am... gn

166 notes · View notes

all-my-love-for-harry · 3 years

Text

I love you meow and furever

summary: the hard part about having animals is knowing we’re their whole life but they’re only here for a small part of ours.

word count: 2.3k

warnings: angst with some fluff, mentions of death (of a pet) and grieving a loss.

a/n: hello again! i know i haven’t posted in a while and i’m sorry! i’ve been writing some pieces, trying to make longer one shots and whatnot, hopefully those will be out soon enough. the reason why i’m posting this is because recently my childhood cat passed away and i wrote this trying to feel a little better. hope you enjoy, please please let me know what you think!

read the rest of my work here.

(gif not mine)

Salem wasn't only a cat. Salem was a companion, a friend. Salem was, for the longest time, her shoulder to cry on. The only one who was there for her every night after a shitty day. She knew from the moment she looked into those yellow eyes that she was going to do whatever it takes to give that cat the best life it could possibly have. Y/n knew pets aren't immortal, and after fifteen years with hers, she tries to prepare herself for the day where Salem couldn't be with her anymore. People close to her tried to avoid the topic, and honestly so did she. Y/n didn't want to talk about how the world would look like after Salem is gone, so she always focused on her furry friend that was cuddled with her on the bed and pushing those thoughts away.

But all the preparation didn't make it hurt anything less when the day actually came.

It wasn't long after Y/n moved in with her boyfriend of two years, Harry. Both Y/n and Salem got used to the house pretty quickly, and Harry never minded seeing the black cat's things around the house, if anything it made him like his house was becoming a home and for once it looked like someone actually lived there. He liked the idea of coming home and going straight to the living room because he just knew he'd find them cuddling there. Salem was also an extremely well-behaved cat, he's never in his life scratched or hissed at anyone and has always been loving and affectionate. As Salem got old, it got harder for him to do things he used to do when he was a kitten. He stopped eating at some point and started to lose a lot of weight, causing Y/n to give him vitamins and all kinds of supplements to help him gain weight again. For some time it worked, and Y/n felt incredibly relieved about it. But then it got hard for Salem to get up and move around, causing him problems to go to the bathroom.

Harry was out at the gym when he got a call from Y/n. It was the way her shaky voice was interrupted with hiccups every few words and how she was practically asking him to rush home without really asking how he knew the moment of putting Salem down has arrived. Harry wasn't sure if he had ever experienced that kind of pain before that day, and to this day he still couldn't describe the way his heart broke into a million pieces when Salem's heart stopped beating and Y/n couldn't breathe because of how hard she was crying. He remembered staying on the floor with her for hours, letting her cry on his chest. She'd stop for a moment, thinking she had no tears left to cry but then she remembered her life companion was gone and a new wave of sobs hit her. That circle went on until the sun went down and the natural light of the moon was the only thing illuminating them.

Weeks passed and Harry didn't even question when he found cat food still in the kitchen, or when he saw Salem's toys and cat trees still around the house. She didn't seem to want to throw them away, and Harry certainly wasn't going to ask her to. He also didn't question the time he found her crying on the floor of the kitchen of their shared house because she bought cat food when she was at the store without realizing she didn't need it anymore.

However, Harry didn't realize how emotionally dependent she was on Salem until he came home one day and found her crying in their bedroom while holding a blanket Salem used to sleep with. He didn't know what to do to help her, and he hated the fact that he felt so useless.

"I just don't know what to do anymore, mum." He said one day through the phone. "I hate seeing her like this."

Anne sighed. "Poor Y/n, everyone knew how much Salem meant to her."

"What can I do to make it better?"

"Here's the thing, sweetheart. It's never going to stop hurting. Time will help, for sure, but it will keep hurting until it becomes a more bearable pain." She paused. "Let her grieve her loss. When the time is right, you will pull her out of that hole, I'm sure of that." Harry nodded even though his mum couldn't exactly see him. "Maybe not right now but, perhaps adopting a new kitten would help."

"I thought of that, I just didn't know how to bring it up to her. Don't want her to think I'm ready to replace Salem." He sighed. He only knew the cat for two years, but it was enough to know it hurt him too. He's shed a few tears himself, mostly in the shower to try and not disturb his girlfriend. "I'll tell you what we decide, I gotta go mum."

"Please do. I love you, baby."

"Love you too, mum."

Just as he told his mum, Harry started to find ways to tell Y/n they could adopt a pet if she wanted to, he understood if she didn't want to have another cat, but he knew how much Y/N loved animals. She was so good to them and had such a big heart Harry couldn't think she'd stop herself from giving some of all the love she had to offer to an animal that needed it. It could be a cat, a dog, hell he'd buy her a fish if that was what her heart desired.

Ever since Salem passed, Y/n laid on the bed of their bedroom and played All Dead, All Dead by Queen religiously every day through the speakers. Of course, Harry let her be. It was her coping mechanism, he guessed. So when he heard the music upstairs, he immediately knew where to find her. He stood by the doorway, looking at the love of her life lying on their bed. He hesitates to enter the room, not wanting to disturb her, but he needed to talk to her so he pushed himself from the doorway and made his way to where she was, taking a seat next to her.

"Hey, lovie." He said softly, reaching for her hand.

"Hey, H." She gave him a small smile. "I'll be down in a minute."

"Take your time, darling. I... wanted to talk to you about something."

"Is everything okay?" She furrowed her eyebrows.

"Yeah! It's nothing bad, I promise." He said. "I talked to mum, she said the Humane Society back home just got a bunch of rescues in need for a home." Y/n opened her mouth to say something but Harry was not done. "I thought we could drive there this week and go there. We don't need to adopt one if you don't want to but look around wouldn't hurt."

"Harry... I'm not ready." She said. "I'm not sure I can go there without breaking into sobs."

"I'll be there with you, baby. I swear you'll be fine."

"I'm not ready to have another one." She said in a shaky voice. "I feel like... like I'm betraying Sally in a way. It's been only two months and... I miss him, H." Y/n started crying again. "I'm scared of forgetting him, how he was like. What if we adopt one and I forget him?"

"Oh, sweetheart." He cooed, taking her into his arms. "That's not going to happen. Salem will always be present with us and will always watch over you as he used to when he was here. Adopting another pet won't change what you lived with Salem, or how much he meant and still means to you. I get that you're not ready, but I also know how much you love cats, and how you're always thinking about the ones that don't have a home, someone to love them and take care of them. You have the biggest heart, and you've always been so good to animals, I wouldn't want you to close off to the idea of giving one the opportunity to experience what it feels like to have a person who loves them. We don't have to go this week if you don't want to but promise me you'll think about it, alright?"

"I promise." That's all she said before wrapping her arms around Harry's torso, cuddling closer to him.

Y/n thought about it for a while, she really did. Everything Harry said stuck in her head and with every day that passed, she felt less and less guilty of thinking about getting a new cat. The thought was still at the back of her head and it obviously still hurt but Y/n thought she was ready to accept Harry's offer to go to the Humane Society to look at the kittens and doing it without having a mental breakdown. She decided to tell Harry as they were making breakfast, only two weeks later after he first brought it up.

"So... I thought about what you told me the other day." She started. Harry's face lights up as he immediately knew what she was talking about. "And I think you're right. We can go there and look at the kittens. We don't have to adopt one."

"We don't have to adopt one." He reassured her, although he knew that thought might change once they crossed the doors of the Humane Society.

They decided to go on Wednesday. Halfway through the week, probably not many people would be there meaning they would have more time with the kittens if they wanted. The entire ride Harry could feel the anxiety radiating from Y/n's body. She was nervous, very nervous. No matter how many times she tried to convince herself she was fine, she still knew she was going to cry as soon as they entered the building. That's why she let Harry do all the talking and just followed him through the hallway that would take them to the room where they had all the cats. They had the cats and the dogs in different rooms, the majority of the dogs were in cages but the cats were allowed outside of them. They were the only ones there so as soon as they entered, Y/n cooed out loud at the sight of the cats and sat on the floor where immediately a couple of them walked towards her and started to sniff her.

"I'm going to cry." She announced.

"They're cute, aren't they?" Harry said, extending one hand towards an orange cat for it to sniff. "This one's name's Chester."

She looked up at Harry with tears in her eyes. "I want them all."

"I know you do." He smiled sweetly at her.

They spent a couple of hours there, just hanging out with all of the cats. Some of them were shy and wouldn't come close to them, and some would even lay on their laps and take a nap. The only thing Y/n could think about was how badly she wanted one. She's missed having the weight of a little ball of fur on top of you, purring and begging for some cuddles.

"Can we get one?" She looked at Harry again, who was patiently waiting for her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I mean, I miss having a pet. And you're right, I will always love Salem, that won't change."

Harry nodded. "What if we get a kitten? You said that when you got Salem he was already a year old."

"I think a kitten will be amazing."

There were only two girl kittens available, one was a small white one and the other one was a tortoiseshell. The latest was so unique looking, and wouldn't stop rubbing herself on Harry's hand. The cat allowed Y/n to pick her up and started purring right away. y the look in his girlfriend's eyes, Harry knew that was the one.

They decided to name her Misty. They thought it suits her. Y/n couldn't stop smiling even after leaving the Humane Society, and Harry felt so happy about it. They told them they could come to pick Misty up next Monday, so they had to wait almost a whole week to finally take their new kitten home, but that didn't matter. Harry was fine now that Y/n's smile was back on her face. All she could talk about during the week was how excited she was about getting Misty, so Harry knew he made the right choice by taking her there.

When Sunday came, Harry felt how Y/n started to grow anxious again, her guilty thoughts making a comeback. So he decided to give her something to reassure her that everything was going to be fine.

"So I saw you with Sally's blanket again," Harry said, walking towards her with something behind his back. "And I know what's going through that little head of yours, so I wanted to give you something to assure you he will always be here with us." He shyly put what he was hiding on her lap. Y/n's eyes immediately watered when she saw the framed picture of the two of them with Salem. It was from Y/n's birthday. Anne took it after Y/n blew the candles of her cake, a huge smile on her face while Harry was holding Salem, a smile on his own face. Salem was wearing one of those birthday hats. "You can put it by the fireplace, or by your nightstand."

Y/n looked up at Harry. "Thank you." She breathed out, instantly wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. "I love you so much, Harry."

"I love you too, darling. Just as much as Salem and Misty love you."

#harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles one shot #harry styles one shots #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry styles au #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles blurb #harry styles blurbs

327 notes · View notes

theshedding · 3 years

Text

Lil Nas X: Country Music, Christianity & Reclaiming HELL

I don’t typically bother myself to follow what Lil Nas X is doing from day to day, or even month to month but I do know that his “Old Town Road” hit became one of the biggest selling/streamed records in Country Music Business history (by a Black Country & Queer artist). “Black” is key because for 75+ years Country music has unsuspiciously evolved into a solidly White-identified genre (despite mixed and Indian & Black roots). Regrettably, Country music is also widely known for anti-black, misogynoir, reliably homophobic (Trans isn’t really a conversation yet), Christian and Hard Right sentiments on the political spectrum. Some other day I will venture into more; there is a whole analysis dying to be done on this exclusive practice in the music industry with its implications on ‘access’ to equity and opportunity for both Black/POC’s and Whites artists/songwriters alike. More commentary on this rigid homogeneous field is needed and how it prohibits certain talent(s) for the sake of perpetuating homogeneity (e.g. “social determinants” of diversity & viable artistic careers). I’ll refrain from discussing that fully here, though suffice it to say that for those reasons X’s “Old Town Road” was monumental and vindicating.

As for Lil Nas X, I’m not particularly a big fan of his music; but I see him, what he’s doing, his impact on music + culture and I celebrate him using these moments to affirm his Black, Queer self, and lifting up others. Believe it or not, even in the 2020′s, being “out” in the music business is still a costly choice. As an artist it remains much easier to just “play straight”. And despite appearances, the business (particularly Country) has been dragged kicking and screaming into developing, promoting and advancing openly-affirming LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 artists in the board room or on-stage. Though things are ‘better’ we have not yet arrived at a place of equity or opportunity for queer artists; for the road of music biz history is littered with stunted careers, bodies and limitations on artists who had no option but to follow conventional ways, fail or never be heard of in the first place. With few exceptions, record labels, radio and press/media have successfully used fear, intimidation, innuendo and coercion to dilute, downplay or erase any hint of queer identity from its performers. This was true even for obvious talents like Little Richard.

(Note: I’m particularly speaking of artists in this regard, not so much the hairstylists, make-up artists, PA’s, etc.)

_____

Which is why...in regard to Lil Nas X, whether you like, hate or love his music, the young brother is a trailblazer. His very existence protests (at least) decades of inequity, oppression and erasure. X aptly critiques a Neo-Christian Fascist Heteropatriarchy; not just in American society but throughout the Music Business and with Black people. That is no small deal. His unapologetic outness holds a mirror up to Christianity at-large, as an institution, theology and practice. The problem is they just don’t like what they see in that mirror.

In actuality, “Call Me By Your Name”, Lil Nas X’s new video, is a twist on classic mythology and religious memes that are less reprehensible or vulgar than the Biblical narratives most of us grew up on vís-a-vís indoctrinating smiles of Sunday school teachers and family prior to the “age of reason”. Think about the narratives blithely describing Satan’s friendly wager with God regarding Job (42:1-6); the horrific “prophecies” in St. John’s Book of Revelation (i.e. skies will rain fire, angels will spit swords, mankind will be forced to retreat into caves for shelter, and we will be harassed by at least three terrifying dragons and beasts. Angels will sound seven trumpets of warning, and later on, seven plagues will be dumped on the world), or Jesus’s own clarifying words of violent intent in Matthew (re: “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.” 10:34). Whether literal or metaphor, these age old stories pale in comparison to a three minute allegorical rap video. Conservatives: say what you will, I’m pretty confident X doesn’t take himself as seriously as “The true and living God” from the book of Job.

A little known fact as it is, people have debunked the story and evolution of Satan and already offered compelling research showing [he] is more of a literary device than an actual entity or “spirit” (Spoiler: In the Bible, Satan does not take shape as an actual “bad” person until the New Testament). In fact, modern Christianity’s impression of the “Devil” is shaped by conflating Hellenized mythology with a literary tradition rooted in Dante’s Inferno and accompanying spooks and superstitions going back thousands of years. Whether Catholic, Protestant, Mormon, Scientologist, Atheist or Agnostic, we’ve spent a lifetime with these predominant icons and clichés. (Resource: Prof. Bart D. Erhman, “Heaven & Hell”).

So Here’s THE PROBLEM: The current level of fear and outrage is:

(1) Unjust, imposing and irrational.

(2) Disproportionate when taken into account a lifetime of harmful Christian propaganda, anti-gay preaching and political advocacy.

(3) Historically inaccurate concerning the existence of “Hell” and who should be scared of going there.

Think I’m overreacting?

Examples:

Institutionalized Homophobia (rhetoric + policy)

Anti-Gay Ministers In Life And Death: Bishop Eddie Long And Rev. Bernice King

Black, gay and Christian, Marylanders struggle with Conflicts

Harlem pastor: 'Obama has released the homo demons on the black man'

Joel Olsteen: Homosexuality is “Not God’s Best”

Bishop Brandon Porter: Gays “Perverted & Lost...The Church of God in Christ Convocation appears like a ‘coming out party’ for members of the gay community.”

Kim Burrell: “That perverted homosexual spirit is a spirit of delusion & confusion and has deceived many men & women, and it has caused a strain on the body of Christ”

Falwell Suggests Gays to Blame for 9-11 Attacks

Pope Francis Blames The Devil For Sexual Abuse By Catholic Church

Pope Francis: Gay People Not Welcome in Clergy

Pope Francis Blames The Devil For Sexual Abuse By Catholic Church

The Pope and Gay People: Nothing’s Changed

The Catholic church silently lobbied against a suicide prevention hotline in the US because it included LGBT resources

Mormon church prohibits Children of LGBT parents to be baptized

Catholic Charity Ends Adoptions Rather Than Place Kid With Same-Sex Couple

I Was a Religious Zealot That Hurt People-Coming Out as Gay: A Former Conversion Therapy Leader Is Apologizing to the LGBTQ Community

The above short list chronicles a consistent, literal, demonization of LGBTQ people, contempt for their gender presentation, objectification of their bodies/sexuality and a coordinated pollution of media and culture over the last 50+ years by clergy since integration and Civil Rights legislation. Basically terrorism. Popes, Bishops, Pastors, Evangelists, Politicians, Television hosts, US Presidents, Camp Leaders, Teachers, Singers & Entertainers, Coaches, Athletes and Christians of all types all around the world have confused and confounded these issues, suppressed dissent, and confidently lied about LGBT people-including fellow Queer Christians with impunity for generations (i.e. “thou shall not bear false witness against they neighbor” Ex. 23:1-3). Christian majority viewpoints about “laws” and “nature” have run the table in discussions about LGBTQ people in society-so much that we collectively must first consider their religious views in all discussions and the specter of Christian approval -at best or Christian condescension -at worst. That is Christian (and straight) privilege. People are tired of this undue deference to religious opinions.

That is what is so deliciously bothersome about Lil Nas X being loud, proud and “in your face” about his sexuality. If for just a moment, he not only disrupts the American hetero-patriarchy but specifically the Black hetero-patriarchy, the so-called “Black Church Industrial Complex”, Neo-Christian Fascism and a mostly uneducated (and/or miseducated) public concerning Ancient Near East and European history, superstitions-and (by extension) White Supremacy. To round up: people are losing their minds because the victim decided to speak out against his victimizer.

Additionally, on some level I believe people are mad at him being just twenty years old, out and FREE as a self-assured, affirming & affirmed QUEER Black male entertainer with money and fame in the PRIME of his life. We’ve never, or rarely, seen that before in a Black man in the music business and popular culture. But that’s just too bad for them. With my own eyes I’ve watched straight people, friends, Christians, enjoy their sexuality from their elementary youth to adolescence, up and through college and later marriages, often times independently of their spouses (repeatedly). Meanwhile Queer/Gay/SGL/LGBTQ people are expected to put their lives on hold while the ‘blessed’ straight people run around exploring premarital/post-marital/extra-marital sex, love and affection, unbound & un-convicted by their “sin” or God...only to proudly rebrand themselves later in life as a good, moral “wholesome Christian” via the ‘sacred’ institution of marriage with no questions asked.

Inequality defined.

For Lil Nas X, everything about the society we've created for him in the last 100+ years (re: links above) has explicitly been designed for his life not to be his own. According to these and other Christians (see above), his identity is essentially supposed to be an endless rat fuck of internal confusion, suicide-ideation, depression, long-suffering, faux masculinity, heterosexism, groveling towards heaven, respectability politics, failed prayer and supplication to a heteronormative earthly and celestial hierarchy unbothered in affording LGBT people like him a healthy, sane human development. It’s almost as if the Conservative establishment (Black included) needs Lil Nas X to be like others before him: “private”, mysteriously single, suicidal, suspiciously straight or worse, dead of HIV/AIDS ...anything but driving down the street enjoying his youth as a Black Queer artist and man. So they mad about that?

Well those days are over.

-Rogiérs is a writer, international recording artist, performer and indie label manager with 25+ years in the music industry. He also directs Black Nonbelievers of DC, a non-profit org affiliated with the AHA supporting Black skeptics, Atheists, Agnostics & Humanists. He holds a B.A. in Music Business & Mgmt and a M.A. in Global Entertainment & Music Business from Berklee College of Music and Berklee Valencia, Spain. www.FibbyMusic.net Twitter/IG: @Rogiers1

91 notes · View notes

dallonm-archive · 3 years

Photo

REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS | UPDATE #1

Hello y’all! I refuse to believe it’s been 3 and a half months since I last made an update post for this novel because time is not real :) whoops! This has actually been sat in my drafts for like a month though

A rundown of things that happened:

We have a new title! I already went into the meta and possible interpretations (it’s ~ambiguous~), so if you want you can read about that HERE.

I did 3 weeks of Nano and wrote 15k words! On the site I recorded 15053 but I think it was more 15.5k? I’ve edited the original doc now so idk but I’m v happy with that!

After that I took a break and a lot of Life Things happened re a certain pandemic that is taking :) all my motivation :) so I didn’t return to drafting until January. I also really struggled to progress with the story and decided the best thing was to revisit what I already had and work on that

It’s not that the original chapters weren’t working, I was just trying to understand the story for the first time and also Nano was such a hazy blur and I’m 99% sure November didn’t happen. I probably won’t revisit a section this intensely again until I’ve finished the draft but at this stage it really helped because the more I worked on it, the more I understood where it had to go next - I know the structure (for now), the basics for the middle and how the story ends :) hehe :) and I don’t think I’d had those revelations (aha) without revisiting this first part. I got to fall in love with the story all over again and I’m very happy with where it’s going!

This intro is already getting so long so I’m just going to jump straight into it because this update is LONG. I’m talking about all the chapters today even though not all of them are new, but since I’ve learnt a lot about them and this is officially update #1 post-nano, it makes sense to talk about all of them! I’m also going to do a new taglist because I see this as a new set of updates also I am awful at keeping up with taglists so! I’m just tagging friends who have already expressed interest + mutuals who I’m like 99% sure want to stay on so! please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!

@kowlazovdi @isherwoodj @avi-burton-writing @pamsdrabbles @ryns-ramblings @kitblogsthings @svpphicwrites @aetherwrites @radiomacbeth @bijouxs @writerlywonders @haldimilks @alicewestwater @piyawrites @coffeeandcalligraphy @shaelinwrites

usual content warnings for religious trauma and cult discussion, specific CWs will come before excerpts!

So I’m currently working with four parts, and I’ve extended the timeline from one year to four years. This suits the story much better BUT pretty much everything here was written before that decision and I do not have the energy to restructure all of it right now :) Each part is split into two sections, one for each POV. So four parts, 8 sections, Felix and Dorothy get four sections each. I let the structure grow with the story but this one is working very well!

Also I started setting my pages to light green and it was LIFE CHANGING. Much kinder on the eyes and just looks so nice?? Calming?? This post is your sign to set your page colour to light green like LOOK

So we have a prologue now!! The story made a lot more sense once I added this because originally the information we learn was just shoehorned into Chapter 1 in a flashback when really we needed to know this information going into it. That being said I struggled with this for a bit just because to justify a prologue I need that information to be conveyed in a way that is completely unique to the rest of the narrative so I didn’t want to just write this as a flashback. I ended up writing it in 2nd person and it came out in a way where it’s not clear which twins POV it is? Like it’s more of a fusion of both of them where neither of them have their own individual identity beyond “the twins” yet. I can’t tell if this is my funky POV peak or a clarity nightmare but I like it! I want it to only be ~500 words so we can take the risk.

In this they’re fourteen and they do a “blood pact” as a way to symbolically cut themselves from their family (aka: their father) whilst they’re still tethered to it. I really love it because not only is it exactly what these slightly unhinged-but-havent-tapped-into-it-yet, co-dependent-and-dont-realise-it kids would do but it immediately brings up the question of family and what family actually is. I’ve also realised a huge idea in this story is the idea of the tangible and for them, the concept of family and blood isn’t tangible so they struggle to recognise its significance (not that it. has any for them in the first place.) but their relationship, seeing each other bleed and pressing the cuts together is. The writing itself is kinda wonky because of the whole funky clarity nightmare POV but here’s a little taste of the ending:

cw: blood

You’ll slink back into your family room to clean and plaster each other’s hands and you’ll ask yourselves: which bloodstains came from who? Who bled the most and who stopped first? Who will come up with the story for the cuts on your palms and who will dispose the bloodied towel? Who is Dorothy without Felix and who is Felix without Dorothy?

Shiny new first chapter! Originally this was in Dorothy’s POV but now it’s switched to Felix and instead of just showing their reunion (which turns out is....very anticlimactic and not appropriate for an opening lol??) we actually explore Felix’s thoughts an actions after he decides to escape the cult, which was a very impulsive decision and spans about a day and a half. This one is definitely gonna take a few drafts to get right because it’s such a delicate but intense event to write and I’m content with the fact that it’s not There Yet but the prose is! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and it really helped me get back into the swing of loving this story. There’s something very delicate about it but also very troubling under the surface. The opening gave me a lot of trouble, but the first line hits!

The day Felix decides to leave the sun glows the same, and the pine trees breathe the same, and the chapel cross stabs the sky the same.

Ironically, a good chunk of the chapter happens outside the cult, as Felix decides to spend his final day taking Lola - a woman his age who is literally the only person he likes lmao - to one of the nearby towns. Whilst the main function of the chapter is to introduce the cult itself, it’s also to show how normalised leaving actually is - it’s just every time he’s left has been temporary, and every time he has left, he still feel separated from this “outside world”. They go to a candy store and a thrift store - where Felix lies about his mom (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) being in hospital so he can use a phone :) Lola is a new character so I don’t have much to say on her, but all I can say is they are wlw and mlm solidarity but also she knows how to read him

“I don’t know why Dotty and I loved this place so much - we always got toothaches.”

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“These apple ones are nice, but I think the lime is my favourite. Do you think the apple or the lime is nicer?”

“I think you’re leaving, but I also think you’re scared, so you’re pretending that I’m going to leave with you and that’s why you wanted to go to town. You chose the candy shop because this is where you went the first time you left, but this time you’re not coming back. Does that scare you, Fel?”

And here is my favourite paragraph in the whole chapter because <3 what the fuck <3 and if pine trees are a key Felix symbol no they aren’t 👁️ yes they are

cw: falling out a window? pushing yourself out a window? description of bones breaking

The day Felix decides the leave, when the clouds bleed amber, he pushes the scratched mahogany dresser so it lines with the windowsill, lies on top and hangs his head out. It’s never comfortable, but it’s always peaceful: sometimes cars murmur on nearby backroads, sometimes a wind chime flutters, sometimes brush rabbits rustle in shrubbery and they all breathe the same oxygen as him. He closes his eyes, inhales the pine air, and plays God: pushes himself further out, an inch at a time, until his shoulders cross the line and he wonders what bones would break if he fell. Would he break both arms or one, both legs or one? Would he break his spine? Which vertebra would crack, and how many? Would he feel them all in one big strike, or all the individual bones burst like popping candy? Evening breeze whispers against his face and he could do it right now, leap out the window and if he didn’t break his legs or back he could run to the bushes, to the pine trees, to the road, the town over East or West, the county line.

If Felix hit the ground, would it be because of a freak fall, or because he pushed himself out?

We have to laugh because I’m pretty sure I said in my Nano update that this chapter was the strongest so far besides one scene but when I looked back that scene <3 took up 80% of the fucking chapter <3 So I just said fuck it I’ll rewrite the whole thing for fun!!!! And I love it!!! It’s so jarring compared to Chapter One and that’s the point!! Everything is so over saturated and originally that was just to convey the absolute shock Felix gets from the Major Impulsive Life Decision He Just Made, but now I think it’s intentional on his part and it goes back to the idea of the tangible: whilst he didn’t grow up totally isolated this is still a new life for him, and he has nothing to latch onto, so he looks to his surroundings and hyper-focuses and latches onto it because it’s something that’s now tangible and accessible to him so he sees it in this very bright, romanticised way (the romanticisation of San Francisco is very amusing to me but it’s also very relevant). But even with that he still distances himself from this environment still - the same way he did whilst living in the cult. He has no idea how he wants to exist in this world and he doesn’t even know how to exist yet.

And so it became clockwork: eyes burst open at two, three, four in morning, doesn’t bother trying to fall back to sleep. Lurk into the kitchen, make a coffee or water or whiskey. Sit under the fritzing lightbulb with no shade, think about everything and nothing and everything and nothing. Or go for a smoke, inhale the vapours until it hurts his chest, breathe in the cool air until it hurts his teeth, wander around the block until it hurts his feet. Sneak back into a room that doesn’t belong to him in an apartment that doesn’t belong to him in a city that doesn’t belong to him. Count the bumps in the popcorn ceiling until footsteps sneak down the hall – Dorothy leaving a room that doesn’t belong to her. Join his sister back at the kitchen, she complains that they need to replace the lightbulb. Over pulpy orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, she retells her dream and lists the possible meanings and he lists his plans for that day on how to immerse in the outside world, familiarise himself with the city until it belongs to him. Travel by trolley for the first time, eat seafood at the waterfront for the first time. Bump into a cherry-headed conure parrot by chance. Climb Twin Peaks and gaze at the new view of home. Trace the outline of translucent mountains in the air and pretend you’ll ever hike them; trace the outline of high rises in the air and pretend you know the people in them. He asks Dorothy when he’ll stop feeling like a tourist – she has no answer for him.

(context: Dorothy’s roommate, Jolie, is out of town at this point, so Dorothy tells Felix to take her room whilst she takes Jolie’s and they’ll sort it out later. Dorothy has no problem sleeping in Jolie’s bed because her and Jolie are Very Good Friends)

I also realised that, in the nicest way possible to November me, that this chapter was so damn boring because it’s very dialogue heavy but in every dialogue moment they are literally just 🧍 doing nothing. So I wrote a scene as a half-joke of Just Met Like Three Hours Ago Beau and Felix going to the arcade and it saved this chapter. It is SO fun but it also comes straight after this very emotionally intense moment and it’s really interesting to see that reach its zenith and then just. fizzle out but linger in the background? I love this scene but I also can’t take it too seriously because they play Frogger and @aetherwrites joked that the game’s a metaphor for Felix leaving the cult and I love her and hate her because she is so right I can picture the LIT1000 seminar where that analysis would be made unironically and it’d be ME who makes it and I am so close to just running with that for real. Also these two aren’t love at first sight but the chemistry is so loud like did you two meet today or have you been married for eight years and own five dogs together what’s the truth? Anyway here’s Felix murdering Beau on sight

“You know, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that good,” Beau says.

“It’s not that difficult, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that bad.”

Beau leans across to shuffle through cassette tapes in the glove compartment. “I’m not, you just got lucky. I let you win.”

“But it’s not even competitive. You just died seven times in a row.”

I’m a little unsure of the pacing for this chapter now because its effectiveness lies in the fact it takes place a week after the previous, and my job with this section post-draft is to stretch it out longer since it only spans three weeks. I’m hoping I can make it work where there’s little time between Chapter 1 & 2 but still cover more time in chapters 3-5 because I think that’d be jarring in the best way? Like the absolute intensity of that initial week quickly dissolving and suddenly he’s been living this life for months he didn’t notice go by. Again <3 a problem for post draft me <3

I don’t have much to say about this one because in Nano I didn’t even finish it, and now I have but it’s still <3 giving me trouble <3 - however I’ve realised this is probably the most important chapter at this stage of the novel because it’s the first full chapter with just the twins, trying to have a bonding moment and catch up but only learning that they a) love each other b) can’t stand each other whilst not realising just yet that they are c) extremely co-dependent. I like to call this novel multiple plot threads in a trench coat and that’s definitely it, the twins have their own individual plot threads separate to one another, but if there’s a central plot (and there kinda is?? its a surprise :) ) at its essence is them realising how fucked up their relationship is, but wanting to rectify that and trying to understand the difference between a tangled and toxic relationship.

This chapter introduces that each character has a key symbol that’s attached to the world somehow and Felix has chapters like these in his arc where he tries to navigate the state of their relationship (so there’s one later on titled “Ocean (Beau)”) and his associations with them. We have to laugh here because I was really like “oh Dorothy is sapphic so I’ll make her obsessed with the moon” but then it became a major symbol in the story <3 Dorothy IS obsessed with the moon, and Felix is frustrated because he can’t see it the way she does and he feels like part of him is missing because of that, when it’s just a different perspective but nooo these two need to have unhealthy co-dependency and then get mad when they’re unhealthily co-dependent on each other :/ Anyway I’d just like to talk about how Felix’s need to be like his sister in this chapter is demonstrated through a symbol that’s attached way more to her than it is to him even though in the prose he describes the moon as this fragile, breakable thing which is the complete opposite as how Dorothy would and lets talk about the blade mirroring the prologue!!!!

He closed an eye and pointed the blade at the moon. If he could, it’d be so easy: surgeons precision, swift wrist flick, carved and plucked from the sky. Laid out on his palm like tissue paper, half translucent and as breakable as skin - a birthday present for Dorothy, if he doesn’t tear it. He’ll try not to, but it’d be so easy.

In further development of the Moon Imagery, I’ve started using a lot of Star Imagery with Felix and a lot of general space imagery in both of their POVs and I’m delighted to say I have no idea what the meta means with that but I like it!! It fits the story very well and they’re probably mirroring each other or something!

This little chapter taught me that I need to be flexible with form <3 this was originally meant to be the final scene of the last chapter, and I was so hyped because it was one of the first scenes I conceptualised, but then it ~sucked~. However I didn’t realise until recently that it sucked because I was writing it in a traditional storytelling form - which most of this book benefits from, but this moment certainly does! not! I’m really glad because I think this book is the perfect playground for experimental form - although here it’s relatively simple though, most of the setup for this happens at the end of the previous chapter and then this is just all the information condensed as much as possible. This chapter is focused on memories so it really works for it to be cut off from the previous which is in the fictive present, and Felix’s perception of memories right now are ~a little jarring~

The final scene of Moon (Dotty) depicts Felix and Dorothy breaking into a park at 4am, promptly having an argument that results in Dorothy leaving, and Felix sat next to a fountain picking pennies out of it and trying to associate a memory with the year on the back - this chapter is those memories and this introduces the fluid relationship characters have with their past. For Felix, he’s seeing the last 20+ years from a bird eyes view in a very sporadic way and it’s starting to sink in that those 20+ years actually Happened. Some of the memories are very distanced, others are as intense as flashbacks, and some are a mixture of the two. This one is very interesting to me because he completely separates himself from the memory halfway through Fel do you wanna talk about this (unfortunately I cannot drop the name because of plot <3)

cw: light/implied homophobia

IN GOD WE TRUST / 1978

The first time Felix held a boys hand was in 1978 in the back pew at morning service. It was the first time [redacted]’s father preached and they got stuck in the back because they arrived late, because they laid in the grass together, wearing each other’s identical pecan coloured blazers as sunrise peeled back the night, and they slunk into the back of service like ghosts everyone could see and maybe they knew why they were late. [Redacted]’s father had a razor voice and he made sure every word sliced into his son and his son interlocked fingers with the boy next to him. His son didn’t look at the boy he held hands with the same way he’ll pretend his blazer is his and not the boys and the same way he didn’t look at the boy the first time they kissed behind the chapel building and the same way he didn’t look at the boy during Bible study for the week after.

Whilst I’d say in Chapter 2 the chemistry between Beau and Felix is as clear as day this is the first instance where Felix’s queerness is explicitly introduced and I’m taking this chance to say this book gets more queer every fucking week. Like I think in the last updates I was like ohhh sexuality doesn’t play much into Felix’s arc and know it’s like 99% of his damn arc and we LOVE it. But at this point he doesn’t realise like when I tell you guys this man is so repressed

I am literally only putting this here because I talk about all the other chapters and it’s weird to me to leave one out. Also because the graphic and title is pretty. Not gonna lie I love making these posts and that is 10% to ramble about meta 90% making pretty graphics that is literally just cropping photos on Unsplash and putting Garamond text over them <3

Anyway this was originally Lessons in Holy and when I revisited that chapter I realised it was so fucking messy and I tried to fix it but it didn’t really work and I’ve been scared to touch it since. However the meta is top notch so here we are - it mirrors Chapter One, Everything Holy, which explores Felix’s decision to leave the cult and with that, leave God. Everything Holy / In San Francisco explores his relationship (or lack thereof) with God and how much Felix’s life has changed since he left - and how “holy” it is. It definitely goes back to the idea of the tangible because the holiness preached to him growing up was not something tangible to him, whereas with this he looks at real life experiences, so he tries to find holiness in that. It also ties with Cyan City and the romanticisation of San Francisco as something tangible and something he can find holiness in, which a) he needs to learn that things don’t have to be “holy” to be valuable and b) it would be a shame if :) he centred everything good about his life around SF and then :) something bad were to happen whilst living in SF :) the way he and Dorothy both do this

My plan for this is basically: Condense The Shit Out Of It. The hardest part about this chapter is it is very thematic and you know as a lit major (derogatory) I love that but with more theme centric chapters the line between subtle and Too Much can be verrryyy thin, but I think focusing on character exploration over theme will fix that pretty easily. I’d also like to separate the Isaias introduction into its own chapter because it’s such an important moment and November me just? Latched it on at the end? And that plus Felix’s crisis in the same chapter is just too much. This chapter is gonna get changed A Lot but for now here’s Felix’s very chill and relaxed ending to his POV section :)

cw: drowning, drug mention

Felix didn’t speak to God for three weeks and everything unholy became holy: the coffee scorching his throat, the kaleidoscopic t-shirts and high waisted jeans, the punk rock they play at the record store – loud and electric. It’s unholy, but he sleeps through the night now, he folds coloured card into butterflies at breakfast and scribbles biro eyes over the newspaper's sudoku on his lunch break. He earns money and he spends a pinch of it on himself: on new wave records and playing cards and earrings he can’t wear yet. Sometimes he buys marijuana it’s not a sin because marijuana means he only smokes tobacco twice a day now – one at breakfast, one before bed. He bar hops with Beau on Saturdays and hikes with Dorothy on Sundays and he tells strangers he studies American Literature and he smiles with his eyes more and nobody notices that somebody’s holding his head underwater. And he doesn’t know whose hand it is, but it knows how to grip tight. And he doesn’t know how to swim, but he knows how to swallow water. And he doesn’t know if this is the punishment or the sin because the water stings his eyes but he chooses to keep them open, and the water will tangle in his lungs but he chooses to keep his mouth open. And hellfire can’t touch him under here, so he’ll keep swallowing water and it’ll burn him in a different way, and he’ll like how it scorches his throat.

(Once again context I didn’t share because I don’t like the writing that talks about it: Felix has a deep fear of drowning from past trauma, but he’s also very obsessive about it and often imagines himself drowning.)

(also the way these excerpts are just showing off my love for repetition my Intro to Creative Writing Tutor that called repetition lazy is seething rn!!!!)

Overall though, I’m v happy with how this section came out now that I actually know what the story is! As I’ve finished drafting it, I have noticed where the missing plot beats are and this is what I expected because I Do Not have a lot of experience with novels (I’ve never passed 15k on a novel before so we’re in new territory now) and generally struggle to see beats before I finish a draft. I’m thinking there’s at least one chapter missing and maybe a shorter one, like MSATBOTF, but I won’t be touching this section again until I finish the draft. Most of all I learnt a lot about the story’s form and I’m excited to play with that and be a bit more flexible!

I’m currently drafting Indigo, the first chapter in Dorothy’s POV, and I was going to talk more about it but this post is too long and the next update will be <3 all about her <3. But the chapter introduces her and Jolie’s tumultuous relationship and here’s a lil peak!

Me, a sapphic, capable of writing happy sapphic relationships:

Me instead:

cw: light/implied homophobia

If she didn’t display the ticket on the bedside table - like she had something to prove - she could have easily been in Dallas, in New York, London, Cannes, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Sydney. But wherever she went, Dorothy and Jolie have had four airport reunions before today - four times they’ve had to soften themselves, disguise themselves. Old high school friend flying in to be her maid of honour, college roommates who don’t see each other as a day past eighteen, pen pals reuniting for the first time since the seventies, business trip colleagues in casualwear. The fifth time, there’s nothing to hide, and as they walk to the car, Dorothy has to wonder: if they were seen by nobody, would Jolie have hugged her with both arms? Would she have kissed her? Would Dorothy kiss back?

I’m midway through this chapter, so I’ll keep the rest of it for the next update! That I promise won’t be in three months!

If you read through all of this then I am in love with you <3

#i'd say im sorry this is so long but it was so fun to write so i'm not!#also pls be proud i cut 2k words from this bc i RAMBLED #atlastracking #writeblr #writing update #revelations revelations

62 notes · View notes

hy5ter1cal · 3 years

Text

Golden Dust

A/N: Hello! This is the first thing I’ve written for this blog. i’m trying to be more confident in my writing so I think this is a good start! Feel free to point out any grammar or spelling mistakes as English isn’t my first language.

Summary: Dream and Sapnap have promised eachother two things. One day Dream fullfills his, then it’s Sapnap’s turn to fulfill his.

“If you break out of this prison, it’s going to be me who takes your final life.”

(Basically a lot of angst where Sapnap kills Dream)

Warnings: Major character death, angst, mild gore

Word count: 1.3k

This is based on a drawing made by ligsville on tiktok! Their Twitter is ligsvilleart. Please check them out as they’re very talented!

___________________________________________________________

The sound of the shrieking sirens was reverberating throughout the entire SMP:

People were hurriedly trying to return to their homes the products they had bought from the marketplace had either been quickly grabbed or left behind on the cobblestone ground. Faint crying from scared children could be heard as the sound of people’s rapid footsteps soon faded away. Sapnap remained in the warm afternoon sun, his chest suddenly felt tight, heartbeat increasing with every second the sirens continued to blast.

It wasn’t a drill. Dream was free.

He turned north, looking at the dark, ominous building that towered over the almost completely abandoned marketplace. Sapnap had only been inside Pandora’s vault once.

He had tried speaking to Dream,

Sapnap saw first hand what his best friend had become. Power-hungry, manipulative, and above all - he was seeking revenge.

Even though he had only visited Dream for a little less than 10 minutes, Sapnap had felt like he had been a prisoner inside the vault. He still loved his friend like he always had, but loving him was wrong. Dream had hurt so many people - Tommy, Tubbo, many others, and of course Sapnap himself.

That day, both of the men had made a promise of their own. Dream swore that he’d escape. Not only writing about his failed escape attempt and the reason for why his cell was filled with the luminous purple crying obsidian. He promised he’d get out eventually.

“You’re not getting out of here, Dream.” Sapnap mumbled. Dream scoffed and took the book back from Sapnap and scribbled something on the page. Dream gave him his book once again. Sapnap took it and opened the book at the page he had written on.

One word. So simple yet so ominous. It was a threat.

Eventually.

Sapnap tore his gaze off of the book. “No, Dream. You might have to stay here forever,” Sapnap tried to reason with him. He didn’t want to straight-up tell his friend that there was no hope, that he had a life sentence and would be on death row as soon as someone got their hands on the revival book. “I- I don’t think you’re leaving this place.” Sapnap gave the book back to Dream. He took the book and started writing again, once he gave it back to Sapnap the page was filled with the same word.

Eventually

“No- no. Dream, no,” He returned the book again, hoping Dream would write anything else. When Sapnap was handed the book once more he raised his tone, “Dream. No!” He shook his head as he gave the book back yet again. And when he opened it a few seconds later, the haunting word remained.

Eventually.

It was telling Sapnap that one day he’d be free. That one day, he would return to the land he used to lead.

Only a few minutes later, Sapnap had promised Dream one thing. After being fed up with trying to explain to the silent man that he’d be stuck in Pandora’s vault forever, he snapped.

“I- Dream, I want this to be clear, okay?.” Sapnap sighed. “What you did, the things you did- Is what got you stuck in here. So you have to stay here.” Sapnap slowly walked towards Dream. “If you try to break out… You only have one life left,” he gulped, “and I don’t think it’s going to be Tommy, and it’s not going to be Techno, Dream.” Sapnap sighed once more and looked the taller man straight in the eyes. “If you break out of this prison, it’s going to be me who takes your final life.”

Today Dream proved that he can keep a promise, no matter how much he has lied in the past, and as Sapnap tightly grasped his enchanted dagger he prepared to prove to Dream that he keeps his as well.

So when he finally found Dream, it was a surprise to the blonde that Sapnap’s reaction was to throw himself into the other’s arms. Dream’s embrace was warm and comforting. The soft fabric of his dark green cloak met Sapnap’s cheek as he quietly wept into it. God how they had missed each other, how they missed the old days when things were much more simple. When it was just him, Dream, and George.

“Sap- God- I’m so sorry,” Dream’s voice was hoarse and broke at the end as he rested his jaw on the younger’s head. Sapnap sniffled as he properly moved his arms to Dream’s back to give him a hug. “No, I’m sorry,” he said as the golden sunset made Sapnap’s netherite dagger glisten beautifully in the light when he rested the tip against his back.

Before Dream could make a move to escape Sapnap’s tight grasp, he sunk the knife into his back. Dream only felt a blazing heat in his lower back as his knees started to feel weak. It didn’t hurt, per se, but the feeling could only be described as low electricity spreading around his wound as he felt the warm liquid run down his back.

He desperately tried to hold onto Sapnap as his vision grew hazy. The younger out of the two moved and gently lowered Dream to the ground and let him rest his head on his lap. “I- I don’t want to die-” Dream rasped as his green eyes widened as if his brain finally caught up. Sapnap swallowed as Dream started to speak again.

“Haha-” Dream tiredly wheezed out. “You probably hate me for all I did,” Dream coughed, “I really don’t blame you.” He smiled as he looked up at Sapnap who was holding back tears. “Dream- for the love of God I don’t hate you.” He let the tears fall freely. “I forgive you, I could never hate you. You’re my best friend-” Sapnap rambled as Dream grabbed onto his white shirt, smearing his blood over it. “Sapnap- please, I- I’m scared. I don’t know what will happen-” Dream choked out a sob as his hands trembled, still holding onto Sapnap’s shirt as if it was a lifeline, “I don’t want to die- not yet. Not before I can make it up to you-” he coughed, “-and George.”

Sapnap carefully lifted Dream so that he could gently hug him. “I- I’ve got you. Is there anything you want me to- to tell him?” Sapnap whispered as Dream once again held onto his sleeve desperately. “Please tell him I’m sorry- for everything.” Dream whispered as his eyes closed.

Time seemed to stop as Dream took his final shaky breath. Sapnap’s dagger was still buried in his back as his body started to disintegrate into golden dust. Sapnap desperately tried to hold onto what was left of his friend as the dust got picked up with the wind little by little. He let out a loud sob as the last of Dream’s body turned to dust that seeped through Sapnap’s bloody hands. A message was let out into the chat, letting everyone know.

All that was left behind was the dagger, the blade glistened for the last time as the sun fully set and darkness settled in. Sapnap took the dagger and stabbed it into the ground where some golden dust remained. He kneeled before it and clasped his hands together. Sapnap was by no means religious but he prayed that if there was a God out there, that they would spare Dream’s soul and guide him to a better place.

Sapnap relaxed his hands once more and stood up, looking up at the dark sky. “Please forgive me.” He breathed as he turned around, ready to find George.

#dream smp #dream #sapnap #dreamwastaken #angst #dream smp angst #major character death #fanfiction #mcyt

9 notes · View notes

loud-unknown · 3 years

Text

I watched Happiest Season at midnight last night and here’s what I thought about Harper

My parents put a lot of weight on being perfect within WASP parameters. Doing well in school, how we dressed, and when we did errands, my mom would point out boys that she thought were acting and dressing appropriately so we knew what to look for.

My parents aren’t religious, they were in favor same-sex marriage, but being gay just wasn’t an option for their children - and any degree of abnormal that would disrupt their vision for us wasn’t an option. And I delivered. For twenty-one years of my life, I was perfect. I never dated much, but I was so focused on my studies, and boys are intimidated by smart girls.

When I started realizing I was gay in 2011, I knew that telling them was going to destroy our relationship for a few years. I thought it would probably be okay eventually (spoiler - it’s not yet), but I had never broken out of that mold before (none of us really had) and I didn’t know what the consequences were. Straight friends would tell me that they weren’t homophobic, I should just tell them, it would be fine - but I knew it was going to go terribly, even if I didn’t have the words I’m using now to analyze why at the time.

So, you might guess that I really, really related to Harper. I never dragged another person into it, and I am deeply disappointed that they included her lying to Abby in the premise because it didn’t need to be there. Harper wants to share Christmas and her family and start warming them up to the idea of a girlfriend, but she has to stay closeted because of these circumstances. Abby is reluctant, but loves her and agrees. Ta da, queue rest of film.

I liked it, but I’m disappointed that they didn’t explore more that this is awful, awful, awful for Harper too. I tried to tell my parents in 2015, they refused to speak to me about it until I force the issue last summer.

For eight years, I hid a massive part of my life from them to make them more comfortable, so we could all continue to pretend that I was the nice blonde lady I was supposed to be. And stuff happened - life-altering, personality-changing stuff - and they have no idea about any of it. Even though it’s better now, going home is still an exercise in realizing that my parents think they know me, but they choose to miss so much that they really don’t.

And that sucks without dragging another person into it. Harper’s scared that she’s going to lose her family, but she already has - the Harper her parents think they know is just a performance at this point and they don’t even realize. And putting on that performance is hard - I’m skeptical that Harper still enjoys the holidays given that she’s spent the last decade or so shrugging on a coat that’s too small, pretending that she’s a person she no longer is, being hypervigilant about what she says and what stories she tells. Which is stressful and awful, and I would feel overwhelmingly guilty dragging another person into it - I thought that’s where they were going when she got snappy with Abby.

I feel like the movie came so close to not making Harper the villain - cut the lying, cut the touching the ex-boyfriend, and she did nothing wrong (except for what she did to Riley). I really wanted someone in a major studio film to articulate that pretending you’re someone else with your family means you’ve really lost them anyway, but at least this way, you get to keep some pieces of it and sometimes that is better than nothing. That having very rigid expectations for your children is dangerous - both for the kids who can’t meet them, and the kids who do who wake up at 25 and realize they are so buried under them that they can’t get out.

Having the parents immediately be okay with it makes Harper the coward for not telling them. There is no way that you revise your parenting philosophy of 30+ years in one night. There is no way that you fully mourn the person your child was supposed to be - the person that you devoted your life to molding in a specific vision and she let you believe you succeeded. I’m sure that the week after Christmas turns into Harper’s parents blaming Harper for not telling them and lying, and opting out of any further analysis of why she felt like she couldn’t tell them in the first place.

This was the closest that I’m probably ever going to get to seeing my life and relationship with my family in a movie, so I’m naturally putting a lot of pressure on it. Part of me feels like seeing this on screen five years ago would have felt like a revolution and I should just let go of wanting it to have been done better. But I really wish it had been made clear that if we’re dealing out shares of villainy, the vast majority goes to her parents (and Alison Brie) and that this is just an awful situation for Harper too. When you’re a financially independent 30something in 2020, you don’t not come out to your parents for no reason.

#happiest season spoilers #happiest season

44 notes · View notes

aestheticseungmean · 4 years

Text

(3:22 AM)

Changbin took advantage of having you around until you decided that you’ve had enough. How long will it take for him to realize that he messed up?

Warning- Angst, bit of fluff at the verrrrrrrry end.

Requested by @hwangscorpio; Thank you! I didn’t know if you wanted him to get back with them so I just improvised.

(Let me know if you guys have a suggested title for this...I’m having trouble thinking of one.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If someone asked you six months ago how you felt about Changbin, you’d go into a hour long rant on how he was the best and treated you like a person. However, that changed the more relaxed he got. It seems like the boyfriend switch got turned off. Now, he barely acknowledges you or gives you affection. Those days full of sneaking kisses and cuddles was long gone. You were not strongly religious yet you found yourself praying for your old boyfriend to come back. You prayed that this was all a dream and Changbin would walk through that door and give you a kiss before asking about your day. But that didn’t happen. Never did.

The steam from the stir-fry rose up and hit you in the face like a cloud of fluff as you stirred it one last time. You turned off the stove and slightly smiled as you heard the front door open. “Hey, Binnie~ I made dinner!” Changbin glanced at you before heading to his studio replying something along the lines of “I already ate.” Disheartened from his comment, you sat at the table once again, eating alone. What was left of your relationship that makes you think that you can salvage it? It was like the Titanic, already sunk and decayed. Nevertheless, when you were cleaning up the kitchen, Changbin reappeared to get some water. “I put the leftovers in the fridge for when you get hungry and I restocked all the waters, coldest in the front for you.” He nodded and left, not even giving you a thank you.

Changbin wasn’t due home until late today so you decided to go hang out with some friends. You smiled as you skipped up to Mark and Jae. “Hey Tuan. Park. How are you?” “We’re good. What about you, Mrs.Seo?” Mark teased. They knew your boyfriend and were friends with him. All three of them were music majors. In fact, Jae was the one who introduced you to Mark and Changbin after hearing you say that you wanted more friends. “Not great. He’s been ignoring me. Now, I just feel like a waste of space.” Mark frowned and Jae sighed. “Have you talked to him about it?” “No. Every time I try to talk to him normally, he either says nothing or says barely anything.” As you talked, you kept walking. Mark tried to offer advice but it fell on deaf ears.

At home, you showered and laid on the bed. Maybe Jae was right. Maybe you should try to talk to Changbin directly about this using you thing. The door slammed shut indicating Changbin was furious about something which meant goodbye to trying to talk to him tonight. The next few days you’ve tried to talk to him but he ignored you. He’s even gone to the point of locking himself in the studio. You caught him one day trying to go into his studio, your hand blocked his way and you started talking. “Changbin, I want to talk to you-“ He cut you off with a cold tone. “I have business to attend to.” His hand grasped your arm, harshly shoving it back towards your body. The small click sound made tears well up in your eyes. This can’t keep happening, you deserve better. Thus, you begin secretly packing.

Mark agreed to let you stay at his house until you could find a new living situation. He helped you load all of your boxes into his car before leaving you to take a last look around. You already returned all of the hoodies and shirts Changbin gave you early on in the relationship. One last time, you made the bed and headed towards the door, planning to leave the lengthy note on the dining table. The grey door to the studio was slightly ajar and you stepped in to take one last look. You took a deep breath, inhaling the earthly, cinnamon scent Changbin had. Ultimately, you decided to leave the note on his keyboard knowing he’ll be more likely to look at it if it was in a place he spends time in. Waving goodbye at the house sadly, you left your key on the table and walked out.

When Changbin got home, he went straight to the studio, not checking on you. He growled at the sight of the note on the keyboard and threw it in the trash. Couldn’t you see? He doesn’t want to talk to you. Annoyed that you were even in his studio, he locked the door and made a mental note to lock it all the time. Satisfied that you couldn’t annoy him, he started working on his project. He finished in an astonishingly fast time which forced him to find something else to do for the time being. Changbin stood and stretched, his bones cracking and popping. Quietly, he opened the door and headed to the kitchen for some food. Normally, you’d be cooking at this time but he frowned when he saw no you and no food, on the table or in the fridge. Maybe you went on vacation and didn’t tell him. Take out it is.

The next few days of silence turned into a month with no word from you. The house was collecting dirt and clothes were piled on different places on the floor almost like a teen male’s room. The silence was odd but you were okay, Changbin told himself. Although, he may seemed unfazed, he was getting tired of takeout and missed your home cooking. Surely you left something that said where you were going. He suddenly recalled the long note he threw in the trash. His mind told him that he was stupid for digging through the trash for something that he didn’t care about. Changbin was frantically digging until he saw the pristine white and carefully folded paper. For the next few hours, the male sat on the floor, back to the wall, crying as he read and reread the words cursing the page. His fingers shook as he traced the way you wrote his name with the curls on the a and the cute heart dotting the I.

How could he fuck up like this? Changbin reminisced on the early days before uni ate away at his soul. The things he fell in love with flashed through his mind. Your smile when you cracked a joke or pun, your sweet laughter you gave when he flirted with you, the way you cared for others before yourself. You watched your phone vibrate on the table as Changbin’s name flashed across the screen. On the other side of the call was Changbin who threw his head back to hold in his tears as your voicemail played. The signature beep played and he forced his voice steady. “Please come back, I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” He hung up and eventually cried himself to sleep on the cold, hard floor. You on the other hand, scoffed at the simple voicemail. If sorry was all he could muster then why did you waste your precious time on him?

_________________________________

Mark took you to the park to take your mind off of the entire situation after a week of you listening and re-listening to the voice mail. “Hey look! There’s an ice cream store!” You jumped up and down and ran towards the ice cream store, ignoring Mark telling you to wait up. The light turned green and you stopped, pouting as you watched the cars speed past you. Apparently, you weren’t fast enough. When the light turned red, you and Mark walked across towards the store. “Doesn’t Chan sunbae work here?” The boy shrugged and held the door open for you. “Such chivalry!” You gasped dramatically and sashayed through the door with Mark laughing at your antics. Sure enough, the curly blonde you mentioned earlier was standing behind the counter chuckling at the scene he just witnessed.

“Hey, guys.” “Hey, sunbae!” He huffed before reminding you that you are not in school and you don’t need to call him sunbae all the time. “Of course I do. Until you graduate, you will be my sunbae and you can’t do anything about it.” Chan reluctantly gave up and took your orders. You sat at the bar with your cotton candy milkshake watching Mark get a brain freeze. Since there was no other customers, Chan leaned onto the counter to chat with you guys. “Where is Changbin?” A small sigh left your lips. “I don’t know. Probably at home, living his best life now that I’m not being a nuisance to him.” Before Chan could say how wrong you were, the door alarm rang signalling a customer. “C-Changbin?” The name caused you to choke on your drink and turned towards the door.

The mentioned made his way up to the counter, not realizing that you were there yet. “Chan, I can’t do this. I fucked up with her.” From the side, you could slightly see Changbin’s puffy face peeking out of the hoodie he had on. The one that you gave back to him when you left. “Mate, are you sure you want to talk about this here?” “I just need- I need someone to talk to.” His voice was barely a whisper but it still came out clear and pained. Mark glanced at you with worry, making sure that you didn’t want to leave just yet, that you were ready to confront your complicated relationship. You just stared at the short male in shock. “I don’t think you want to talk to me about your relationship. I think you should talk to them.” Chan nodded towards you and Changbin turned to meet your wide eyes.

He carefully walked towards you scared that you might run. Now that you could see his face fully, you could tell that he had been crying and looked like shit. “______-” Changbin’s voice cracked. The caring side in you took over and your hands held his now slim cheeks. He was as fragile as porcelain ready to break if you weren’t careful. But you broke him. The boy let out a strangled sob and laid his hand on your hand. There was no use in speaking, you’d just break him even more. Instead, you rested your forehead on his and let him cry. “I’m sorry.” He said in between breaths. “I’m sorry I wasn’t good e-enough and I didn’t appreciate you and- I became distant cause I was scared o-of getting too attached and- hurting you or me b-but I realized that it’s too late.”

Changbin took a breath and choked out the last few words. “B-Because I already got too attached.” You knew you still loved him and tried to keep a hard facade but those words caused your walls to crumble. “Oh, Binnie...” Your voice was soft. “I promise that I’ll never t-treat you like shit again.” You shifted, pulling him closer, inhaling that familiar scent that made you feel safe. “I’ll only accept that if you pinkie promise.” He smiled slightly and intertwined your pinkies together before releasing. “C-Can I kiss you?” You didn’t respond verbally, you just kissed him softly. You giggled when you heard Chan and Mark cheer in the background quite possibly recording this to play at your wedding because they’re that type of friend.

Pulling away, you wiped Changbin’s face with a napkin and placed a chaste kiss on his nose. “Let’s all go eat! My treat.” Chan said while hanging up his apron and clocking out watching as his coworker took his spot. “Thank you, sunbae!” “I- You’re hopeless.” Chan waved bye to the coworker before pushing you guys to the restaurant down the road. Changbin never let his hand leave yours even when you ate. “Binnie. I’m not going to run away again.” He pouted but let go of your hand and you couldn’t help but squish his cheeks. “Eat up! You’re looking like a skeleton. I’m going to feed my baby well when we get back home.” “You mean, no more takeout and no more burning down the kitchen?” “Wait- What did you do to my kitchen?” The table erupted in laughter and Changbin promised to replace the pan he ruined.

#changbin #changbin x angst #changbin x you #changbin x reader #stray kids oneshot #stray kids #stray kids angst #seo changbin #seo changbin angst #seo changbin oneshot #changbin angst #stray kids x angst #stray kids x y/n #stray kids x reader

108 notes · View notes

neighborhood-goblin · 3 years

Text

Lmao remember that COF College AU

Finally decided majors and details for some of the characters I plan to include XD

My first time using a cut lol

Tristan

Business Major

Cassian absolutely wants him to inherit the family business

Tris isn’t so thrilled by that

Sev and him are roommates

Neither of them can cook anything other than ramen or pizza rolls

Sometimes they order pizza

Disaster bi on so many levels

Went to one GSA club meeting but then noped right back into the closet

Not out to Cassian or most of his friends yet

The only person who knows is Sev

Has a brown tabby cat named Rex

duh

lmao going back through there’s like nothing here

they def got longer as they went on

Nyk

Linguistics, Interpretation, and Translation Major

(In HOF she is really interested in the Pyrean language and lore so I thought it fit)

Was homeless for a while

Ran away as soon as she graduated high school

(She couldn’t be around Val any longer)

Applied for a lot of scholarships and was able to gather enough money to attend college

Roommates with Sparrow

Helps Sparrow get to her classes sometimes

Elliot, Riella, and Kade come over to their dorm a lot

Elliot cooks for them

Probs gonna be bi and genderfluid in this au

Has a calico cat named Xephyra

Phyrie for short

Is a part of the GSA club

The GSA club consists of Anders, Elliot, Sparrow, and Kade

Sev

Fine Arts Major

Is really good at drawing but also likes painting and sculpting, too

Roommates with Tristan

Would rather die than ask Tris to get something off of a high shelf for him

He’s 5′3″ (160.02 cm)

Def petite

Tris put a whiteboard on the fridge to write shopping lists on but now they both just use it to write notes to each other

“Saw u staring at Nyk earlier HMMMMMM”

“stfu like you weren’t ogling that dude she was with”

Disaster gay but everyone just assumes he’s straight like ????

After his parents died he bounced around a few foster homes but was adopted by a doctor named Hestia when he was fifteen

He loves his mama and visits her on weekends

The food he brings back to the dorm is the only good stuff he and Tris ever eat

Knows Kade but only a little

All of my modern Sev hcs still apply

Kade

Veterinary Medicine Major

Shares the same major as Sparrow and they’re decent friends

He helps Sparrow get to the classes they share when Nyk can’t

Loves animals and is planning to adopt a doggie soon

Roommates with Elliot and Riella

He lived in a really crappy place before he became friends with Riella

The sibs invited him to move in with them (Kade also obviously helps with rent)

Became good friends with Nyk and he and the sibs spend a lot of time at her/his dorm

Used to shadow Hestia at the clinic (before he decided he wanted to be a vet and not a people doctor) and she gushed all the time about her son

He met Sev and def thinks Sev is adorable

Has also seen Sev around campus but hasn’t worked up the courage to talk to him yet

Demi and gay

Is a part of the GSA club

Thinks Anders is funny

Almost no one agrees

Elliot

Culinary Arts Major

Idk it just came to me and I was like “might as well”

Cooks for Riella, Kade, Nyk, and Sparrow regularly

Has a golden retriever named Jax

Jax is crazy

He gets the zoomies

Jax is usually wary of strangers but he’s warmed up to Riella, Kade, Nyk, and is close with Sparrow

Aroace

Attends GSA

Regularly tells Anders where he can shove his musical numbers and snide comments

Roommates with Riella and Kade

Took online classes until Riella graduated so they could move together

Met Kade through Riella

Can’t handle spicy food and is appalled by the fact that Kade, Riella, and Sparrow are all fueled by eating the spiciest things possible

Refuses to eat anything with pepper on it, but keeps a shaker for his friends and sister

Nyk and him bond over being unable to tolerate anything hotter than a hot tamale candy

Likes driving

Owns a minivan

It’s unclear as to why he needs a minivan he just has one

He named it Elliot jr. as a joke once but now no one lets him forget it

Is super ultimate BFFs with Sparrow

Helps her around campus when Nyk and Kade can’t

Sparrow

Veterinary Medicine Major

Nyk, Kade, and Elliot help her around campus (still blind and thriving)

Owns a parrot named Chirp and guide dog that everyone is 95% sure is just a wolf that Sparrow illegally bought a service animal vest for

No one knows the name of the dog

Sparrow claims that Chirp can talk but only does it in front of her

Sometimes Elliot will also claim that he’s heard Chirp talk but no one can tell if he’s telling the truth or not (He’s not even sure at this point)

Lesbian ace and is highkey dating Riella

Elliot pretends it annoys him but secretly he’s thrilled because he adores the both of them (he’d never reveal this but Sparrow knows anyway)

Attends GSA

Brings her animals

Chirp usually just sits on her shoulder, and the dog at her feet

Has super unruly hair

Only a select few are permitted to touch it: Elliot, Riella, and Nyk

Nyk will braid it sometimes, but Sparrow usually likes to have it free

Roommates with Nyk

Nyk decorated their room super cute, fairylights strung all around it and polaroids on the walls (though I guess she can’t see them rip)

Nyk loves Sparrow’s animals, and the animals get a long great with Phyrie (except for one time that Phyrie attacked Chirp but that doesn’t happen anymore)

Riella

Dance Major

Not much is known about Riella but I just thought this’d be a cool major for her

idk she gives off ballerina vibes for some reason

Sapphic and dating Sparrow

Roommates with Elliot and Kade

All three of them share a bookshelf and love talking about books

They also play video games a lot together

Minecraft is not a competition but do not play with the three of them they will win

They share an ACNH island on the switch they pooled money for

Loves having her hair in french braids

Nyk usually braids it for her before classes

Ig Nyk just braids everyone’s hair smh

Wears rompers everywhere

Met Kade when a creepy dude approached her on her way to a class and Kade pretended to know her to get her away from the creepy dude

He started walking her to that class just in case and they became friends

Anders

Performing Arts Major

Super dramatic and way into theater

Has been out of the closet for years as genderqueer and pan (Prefers he/him pronouns; he’s used them all his life and he’s used to them)

Goes to GSA club and loves telling obnoxious stories

Has hinted at being in a relationship but no one knows who it is, and the club tries to find out sometimes (It’s Latham)

Grew up with Latham and they started dating when they were seventeen

Latham isn’t out of the closet yet, so he asked Anders to keep it a secret

Anders doesn’t mind at all, he’s just happy to be with the boy he loves :)

Was a part of marching band in high school, and still practices his trumpet in his free time

Regularly texts everyone a gross amount of emojis

Latham and him moved in together when they graduated and started going to college

Latham does all the cooking

The last time Anders attempted to cook anything, the pan caught on fire (the cooking pan not Anders) (XDDD) (I think I’m hilarious)

He’s not allowed to cook anymore

They each have their own beds but usually sleep in the same one when they don’t have guests (they are both huge cuddlers) (Anders is the little spoon)

Has a pet snake because he lives to be extra (It’s a ball python)

(I can’t remember what Anders’ phoenix is named so the snake is nameless for now)

Latham

Pre-Law Studies Major

Wants to become a lawyer

Absolutely talks crap about everyone he knows with Anders

Identifies as queer but is closeted

His family are all very religious and anti-LGBTQ+ so he’s scared to come out to them

The only person who knows is Anders

His father in particular scares him

His dad really doesn’t approve of Latham being ‘friends’ with Anders, ever since Anders came out publicly

Is decent at cooking (nowhere near as good as Elliot)

Doesn’t have a lot of friends

Kind of knows Tristan and Elliot but not really

Has a Pomeranian named Xane

He’s obsessed w/ little dogs

#Crown of Feathers #hope u guys like it #homophobia tw #caps tw

20 notes · View notes

rainy-day-gracie · 4 years

Text

Old Friends 10

OMG IT’S HERE

THE FINALE TO OLD FRIENDS

This series will always hold a special place in my heart since it was the very first ever fic I ever wrote. Thank you guys so much for all of the positivity !! I LOVE YOU ALL AND ENJOY :)

Spencer Reid x Reader

Angst, MAJOR FLUFF

MASTERLIST

It was the way my head was throbbing that finally woke me up. Spencer was tied to a chair across from me, not daring to say anything. He looked at me with concerned eyes, asking if I was okay. I gave him a small nod, and he seemed to relax a little.

We were in an abandoned warehouse of some kind and rat traps littered the floor. “Hello?” I croaked out.

Mrs. Lorretta came out from behind me and grabbed my face, studying it. Her thumb dug into my cheek, and I bit down on it, hard.

She screamed out as I licked blood off my lip. “Oh, did I hurt you? I’m sorry.”

“You little bitch!” She shrieked at me, storming off somewhere behind me. Spencer just looked at me gravely.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he mumbled.

“Couldn’t resist,” I whispered, and Spencer rolled his eyes. My hair was suddenly tugged back, and the barrel of a gun pressed into my temple. “Whoa, whoa. We can talk about this.”

“Not before you know your place, Agent.” Mr. Lorretta’s voice hissed in my ear, and Spencer fought relentlessly against his bonds, suddenly extremely panicked. “You hurt my wife, I’m going to hurt you.”

I turned my head ever so slightly, looking him in the eyes. “My team is going to hurt you, buddy. They’re coming for us, are you ready for when that happens?” My fear didn’t show at all in my voice.

Mr. Lorretta just huffed and walked away, taking the gun with him. I let out a sigh of relief, restating my own words quietly as I heard him walking up some kind of staircase. “They’re coming for us…” Then I remembered something. “Spencer, where’s Lily?”

The look in his eyes told me all I needed to know.

Lily was dead. She knew too much, and that got her killed.

Spencer moved his hands, and I realized he was signing to me. Get the wife, he told me.

The wife must’ve not truly wanted to hurt Lily, and that would’ve caused a rift between them. She was our only way out of here, and I just nearly bit off her thumb.

I gave him a thumbs up, telling him I understood.

Now, he signed.

“Where’s Lily?” I called out, tilting my head back to whoever was behind me.

Mrs. Lorretta stormed in front of me, grabbing my face with her hand. “Shut up right now or I will shoot you.”

“No you won’t. Your husband will, and he’ll just drag you along for the ride.” She let go of my face, staring at me angrily. Spencer subtly nodded at me behind her back. “I know you don’t want to kill anyone, Mrs. Lorretta.”

She gave me an open handed slap across the face, tears in her eyes. “Shut up!”

“Don’t touch her,” Spencer growled as I hunched to the side, bracing for another slap.

I looked Mrs. Lorretta in the eyes as I regained composure. “Think about Lily-” another hit “-she wouldn’t have wanted this-” another hit “-please!”

Mrs. Lorretta looked at me angrily, tears forming in her eyes. “I just wanted to be the perfect mother, and now both my girls are dead,” she whispered.

“No one else has to die, Mrs. Lorretta.” I showed her a side of me that’s vulnerable, a side of me no one sees. “I’ve had to kill some of the most awful people, and I feel sick about it. I can’t imagine how you must feel. But you can still do the right thing, Mrs. Lorretta.”

She wordlessly took out a knife, and I was scared for a moment she had decided to kill us now. That moment subsided when she started cutting the bonds at my wrists and ankles binding me to the chair.

Spencer gave me a look of relief and signed with his hands. Good job.

I smiled at him when Mrs. Lorretta cut my final bond, and Spencer looked to her, expecting her to cut his bonds as well. I cautiously stood, facing Mrs. Lorretta.

She gave me a sad smile, tears flowing down her eyes. “You look so much like Jamie…” she breathed, seeming to be in a daze.

I had to cover my mouth from screaming as she shoved the knife into her own neck.

Running over to Spencer, I quickly untied his bonds before the metallic scent of blood completely filled the room. He stood wordlessly and dragged my hand to the staircase to get out of this godforsaken warehouse.

We ran up the stairs, me barely keeping up with his long legs, and ducked behind crates when we saw Mr. Lorretta looking from across the warehouse curiously. “Honey, everything okay?”

We barely breathed, sure that he could hear the sounds of our pounding hearts. His footsteps were careful, and the sound of a safety being clicked off made my blood run cold.

We scattered from the stack of crates as he fired the first shot at us, getting separated in the process.

I found another dusty stack of crates to hide behind, seeing Spencer duck behind a column.

“Come out, come out wherever you are Agents,” Mr. Lorretta drawled. My heart sank as he moved closer to Spencer, and I ducked closer to him.

“It doesn’t matter if I’ll go to prison. I’m too good for that, and with my resources I’ll be able to get a deal easily.” Mr. Lorretta taunted us, creeping around the cluttered warehouse.

He laughed suddenly. “Dr. Reid is it? Do you like working for the FBI? Get scared sometimes?”

Chills went up my spine as Mr. Lorretta continued taunting Spencer.

“I would be scared too… if my bitch was also my partner in the field.”

Spencer leaped behind Mr. Lorretta, pulling both of Mr. Lorretta’s arms back.

Time seemed to slow when the gun went off as they both fell to the floor. I ran out from behind my hiding spot and grabbed the gun that had slid across the floor. Mr. Lorretta got to his feet to run at me, and I fired the gun twice Once in his chest and the other in his head.

I was already running over to Spencer before Mr. Lorretta fell limp to the floor. Blood was seeping out of Spencer’s stomach, and I ripped off my blazer to stifle the flow.

“I told you we should’ve taken a sick day,” Spencer mumbled.

I laughed despite it all, tears pricking my eyes. “I should’ve taken you up on that offer.” I heard a door being kicked in and the familiar voices of our family calling our names. “Over here! We need medical, federal agent down!”

I seemed to be in a daze when Morgan and Prentiss pulled me off of Spencer, they were saying words but all I could focus on was the way the cold floor turned red with Spencer’s blood.

“Please, come back to me Spencer. There’s still so much more for us.”

I’ve always hated hospitals, but never as much as I do right now. Prentiss and JJ had helped me wash off Spencer’s blood, but they couldn’t erase the images of his pale face from my mind.

My foot tapped incessantly in the waiting room, my palms sweating in the hours of waiting for any news of Spencer.

Rossi held my hand firmly, and I gripped it like a lifeline. Nobody spoke, what was there to say?

“It’s my fault.” I mumbled, not realizing anyone could hear me.

“Don’t say that.” Rossi gripped my hand harder, getting me to look at him. “This is not your fault.”

“Lorretta insulted me… Spencer got angry and reacted… that’s what got him shot.” I kept replaying Lorretta’s words in my head.

I would be scared too… if my bitch was also my partner in the field.

Rossi shook his head. “Don’t do that kiddo. Reid saw an opportunity to get him and it backfired. Don’t make something Reid chose to do somehow your fault.”

A doctor walked into the waiting room. “Dr. Reid.” We all stood, holding our breath for the results. “It was a close call, touch and go for a while, but we managed to stop the bleeding from his stomach. And who is YFN?”

I released a deep breath. “That’s me.”

“He’s been asking for you. He’s still slightly delirious, but he has been wondering where you are. Says he misses you.”

I smiled, tears streaming down my cheeks. “May I see him?”

The doctor nodded, guiding me to Spencer’s room.

He looked so happy when I walked in the room, but also heavily drugged with painkillers. “YFN… you look like a goddess.”

I chuckled and sat gently on the end of his bed. “Hey, pretty boy. I was really scared.”

Spencer offered me his hand, and I took it, not wanting him to strain himself. After a moment he fell asleep, and I took the chair next to the bed, letting him rest for as long as he needed.

Looking at him, wounded and on heavy painkillers, I knew what I needed to do.

Spencer was checked out of the hospital a week later on the insistence that he needed to go back to work.

I took some personal time, which Hotch graciously gave.

We spent our days being lazy around Spencer’s apartment, reading different books and watching Doctor Who religiously.

I was dozing off on Spencer’s shoulder one night when he hit me with a bombshell. “I know you’re not coming back to the BAU.”

I sat straight up, looking him in the eyes. “Why do you say that?”

Spencer gave me a small half smile. “Because when Lorretta insulted you, I was impulsive, and you don’t want me to do something like that again because of my feelings for you.”

Damn, I sometimes forgot he was a profiler. “I can’t have that on my mind constantly in the field, worrying about you or me making a bad call because of personal feelings. Also…”

“You want to teach.” Spencer finished my sentence, a sparkle lighting up his eyes. “You don’t want to be looking at crime scene photos all day, and I understand that. Whatever you do, I will support you.”

I smiled at him, tears pricking my eyes. “I was thinking of teaching a language at Georgetown, or maybe some form of mathematics. I’ve already told Hotch, but I want to stay in the city. With you.”

“I love you, and I will do anything to make you happy, YFN.” Spencer stood up, pulling me by my hands to stand with him. After a moment, he ran off into his bedroom, seemingly looking for something. When he returned, a small black box was tucked into his hand, and he seemed much more nervous than before. Spencer sank to one knee, and the tears really started streaming down my face this time. He took a deep breath, staring into my eyes deeply.

“I bought this about a week after we started dating… the more recent time.” I giggled, watching his sheepish face become full of love. “After everything we’ve been through together since we were 16… I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. YFN YLN, will you marry me?”

It took about two seconds for me to make my decision. “Yes, definitely yes.”

If there was one thing Rossi knew how to do, it was throw a party.

It had been three days since Spencer and I had gotten engaged, and word had also spread to the team about me leaving the BAU.

We sat around a large table in Rossi’s backyard, telling stories, laughing, and sometimes crying. When we moved to the makeshift dance floor Rossi had set up, JJ, Garcia, Prentiss and I all swayed in a tight circle, crying and laughing.

“We will forever miss your badassery!” Garcia rested her head on my shoulder, tears streaming down her face.

“I’ll still be around!” I assured her. “I’m still going to be at every ladies’ night you guys invite me to, and I’m marrying Spencer! You can bet he’s not going anywhere!”

JJ laughed, tears also pricking her eyes. “The geniuses are getting married!”

“You can definitely bet that you are invited to every ladies’ night!” Prentiss hugged me with one arm, a glass of champagne in her hand.

A strong hand touched my shoulder, and I turned to Morgan. “Oh, Derek, don’t start crying on me too!”

He chuckled and pulled me into a hug. “Not a chance. I’m looking forward to you not constantly making me look unimpressive.”

I grinned even wider if that was possible. “I never tried to make you look unimpressive. It just kind of happened. I’m just that awesome.”

Derek laughed and Rossi appeared beside him, kissing me on both cheeks.

“Questo bellissimo capitolo termina, al prossimo!” Rossi yelled in Italian, handing me another glass of champagne.

Hotch pulled me in for a short but meaningful hug. “Congratulations, you two will forever hold on to each other. I can see it.”

I smiled, tears once again filling my eyes. “Thank you, Aaron. That really means a lot, coming from you.”

A hand fell comfortably on my back, and I knew Spencer was behind me. I turned and looked into his coffee brown eyes, the eyes I fell in love with when I was 19, and the same eyes that found their way back into my heart.

We danced together for hours, whispering to each other on the dance floor about anything and everything.

“I can’t wait for a life like this. It won’t be easy, but we’re prepared for that. I love you so much, YFN.”

“I love you too, Spencer.”

Questo bellissimo capitolo termina, al prossimo!

This beautiful chapter ends, onto the next!

TAG LIST: @itsarayofsunshine @thesailbells @squirrellover1967 @softpeteparker @parkeroffline

#spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #dr reid #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fic #old friends

172 notes · View notes

whatwouldmindykdo · 3 years

Text

I wrote a little something about coming to terms with my sexuality and thought I’d share it here...

For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamt of my wedding day. As soon as I was able to comprehend the concept of wedding and marriage it became my only goal, my ultimate achievement: I wanted, I needed to get married. This would make me successful and prove my worthiness. I would be happy forever. And so, for years, I’d spend hours imagining the magical day: the dress, of course, and its designer, the venue, the guests, the music, the menu, the bridal party, the decor. And of course, the groom. Because it was always a groom. However, I would find it extremely difficult to imagine him. I could think of qualities I would look for in a partner, but that was it. Looking back now, I think that, more than any of these things, what I dreamt of was being loved and being in love. I was just hoping to find the kind of unconditional love I grew up surrounded by. Not a person but a feeling. An ideal.

I grew up in what you would probably call a liberal family. My parents are very open-minded, left-wing voters and I grew up having political debates at the dinner table. But it was always about tolerance. Every love is love, they would say. Everyone deserves to be happy, they would say.

This, however, was not true for them growing up. Both my parents grew up in working class families and worked their way into the middle class. As liberal as my parents are, their own parents were rather conservative in thought.

My father’s parents had grown up on farms. Their own parents, my great-grandparents, lived a life I cannot even begin to comprehend. After the Second World War, as life was changing everywhere, and especially in the countryside, my grandparents left for the city (well, a city, not THE city) to work in factories. They were deeply religious and my father was raised a Catholic. However, he also enjoyed great freedom. He was free to come and go, almost as he wished, to play with his brother and friends. He was free not to work in school, drop out after middle school and go on to work with his father. Which he did, for a while, until he realized he didn’t want to do that his entire life. In other words, he was free to fail, and try again. Would it had been the same thing had he been a girl? We will never know, as he was one of two boys.

My mother, on the other hand, was not. Her grandparents had been mining workers, as almost everyone in the area. Her own parents had been saved from this life, and pushed to look for work in other industries. They had married young and my mother was the eldest of two. Her parents were heavily involved in political and union movements, pushing for workers’ rights. This gave her an awareness of the political situation and an ideal of what is achievable when you work for it. My mother, however, is also a woman. And as such, her parents expected her to behave a certain way.

She was expected to be the perfect little girl. Calm, pretty, smiling. Not to take too much space. Do well in school. Be polite. And so my mother tried her best to be this ideal girl. She excelled in school, practiced many sports, and took it upon herself to keep the family together and happy. She eventually went on to work and had to move out to another city, but always close to family as she was sharing an apartment with her aunt. When she found another job closer to her parents, she moved back home. Eventually, she met my father. They dated for a couple of years, but moving in together was unfathomable. Not before marriage. And that’s how my parents ended up married without having ever lived together, something I honestly find quite hard to imagine. Her brother, on the other hand, lived a life closer to my dad’s. He could not roam the streets or drop out of school but he did leave high school without graduating, moving out to work away and never looked back. He introduced many girlfriends to his parents before eventually having a child and getting married, in that order.

My parents would probably tell you that they raised me and my brother the same way. That not more was expected of me. That I could do the exact same thing he did. And to some extent that is true. We were both expected to excel in school. To be polite and respectful. We were both told we could dream of being whoever we wanted to be. But what had been instilled to my mother was also, somehow, perhaps more sneakily, taught to me. I also had to be the perfect little girl, no excuses. The one that doesn’t move. The one that doesn’t scream or make a scene. The one that helps at home. As Michelle Cliff says in Notes on Speechlessness, ‘I am reminded that a great compliment of my childhood was: ‘she’s such a quiet girl’’.

Instead of rebelling against this system I made it mine: it was my way of taking up space. My way of being remarkable. I was expected to excel at school: I was top of the class. I was expected to be calm and discreet: I would literally never speak. Even today it takes a lot for me to be able to do things I know my parents disapprove. Because I have built myself through others’ approval, and then who am I once they don’t approve?

What does that have to do with being a lesbian, you may wonder. See, I knew about lesbians. I knew about gays. It was not entirely unknown to me. I saw them on the news, we talked about them at home. But no one in my family was gay, lesbian or part of the LGBTQI+ community, at least not openly. That was not what we did. As much as my family rebelled against capitalistic society, we were expected to conform in certain areas, and this was one. We, as a family, are heterosexuals. And so I unconsciously associated being a good girl to being heterosexual.

I don’t remember the first time I heard of the LGBTQI+ community, nor do I remember the first time I had a crush on a girl. I am quite sure she was my primary school best friend. I very clearly remember wondering whether I was in love with her or whether that was just how you felt for your best friend (hint: I kinda knew the answer). And so, little me moved on with life. Eventually the feeling wore out, and there was a very intense and dramatic fall out. But that was it, no more questions about my sexuality. Not until I was well into my teenage years, at least. When I made it to university I had began what I would call my transformative journey, learning extensively about feminism, inclusivity and human rights. I was passionate about these subjects and wanted to learn more, and more. I surrounded myself with people who were open-minded, teaching me about these very topics, and, for some of them, part of the LGBTQI+ community. At about this time I began identifying as pansexual or bisexual. I have never been really sure about this. There was no major coming out though. I just stated here and there that I thought love was about a person and their soul, not their gender. Even though I was identifying as pansexual / bisexual, the doubt never really left. I felt ill-at-ease with the identification. Maybe I’m not into labels, I’d think. Maybe.

Deep down, I knew. I think I’d always known. I would get major crushes on women in films and TV shows. Maybe that’s just identification. I could hardly imagine being in a relationship with a man. Maybe I just haven’t met THE one. I would feel uncomfortable whenever a man flirted with me. Maybe I’m just not into him.

I just couldn’t imagine being a lesbian. And that’s not to say that I could fathom the very existence of lesbians. I knew they existed, I had a friend as they say. I truly believed that all love is love. What I couldn’t accept was that I was a lesbian. How could I not like men? Good girls like men. Good girls are straight. Good girls get married TO A MAN, and have children WITH A MAN. No way. I must be pansexual. Or bisexual. Not lesbian.

Funnily enough, the pandemic was a big transitional time for me. I was able to truly connect with myself. Away from the world and the mundanities of everyday life, focusing on what really matters for the first time, I came to a realization. I do not like men. I do not find pleasure in imagining a relationship with a man. This realization was validated by experience. I signed up on a dating app (what??? I know, don’t judge). My immediate reaction was to set up my preferences to women only (that should have been another hint right?!). However, almost immediately I changed those preferences to everyone (men and women). Why? Because, I thought, by excluding men I might miss out on the one (he’s always somewhere). What if I miss on the opportunity of happily ever after because I renounce to dating half of humanity? And oh boy did I regret that. I was instantly contacted by half the male population of my surroundings (the joys of being on a dating app) and it really felt like it was not for me. I was feeling miserable rather than happy, anxious rather than excited. I switched back to women only and I have felt safer and more myself ever since.

I guess you could say that I have been feeling rather at peace with who I am. I have come out to a few (selected) friends, in the least dramatic way possible (well, they also are the least dramatic women I know). There remains the question, however, of coming out to family. Because although I have come to term with being a lesbian, I am still scared AF when it comes to coming out to my family and the main reason is: what if I am not lesbian after all (eye roll emoji)? The real reason, though, is that I know that as open-minded as my parents are, a coming out also means a period of adaptation, of understanding what it means exactly. And for someone like me who hates both confrontation and disappointing this feels like a big deal. Selfishly, I wish someone had been there before in my family. That I would not be the first. The trailblazer. The odd one out. The lesbian aunt. But then, I think of my little cousins. And how I could be that person for them. If I allow myself past the fear.

Thing is, I also truly believe that I will not be able to be fully happy until I come out. I will not be truly happy until I can be who I am fully, knowing that the people who accept it are the ones who love me, for real. But what if that means losing my grandfather? What if it means that people will literally never stop talking about it?

As much as I have talked about the hardships of coming out and coming to terms with my sexuality, I will also mention that coming to terms with this reality has been a huge relief. It has opened me to a world where love and inclusion are legion. A world where you are accepted for who you truly are. It has given me role models, values and a political awareness that I probably would not have had otherwise. In other words, being lesbian is a blessing because it is who I am, fully. And when I get to be this person, I can finally start to breathe. I can finally start to live.

My problem lies with mainstream culture and the way it portrays lesbian relationships. I have grown up with the ability of seeing gay couples loving each other, hating each other, flirting, breaking up. Mainstream media and popular culture have very much romanticized gay relationships. What of lesbian relationships then? The reality is completely different. And how could it not be when Instagram still censored the ‘lesbians’ hashtag two weeks ago? When we only have The L Word as a reference? Where on TV and in films have lesbians been given the space and time to actually develop a relationship except in that show? And I’m not even talking about the perfect, happy relationship. Just any relationship. More than 3 minutes of screen time. You’ll have to agree that this is rather recent.

How different would my life have been if I had seen lesbian couples on TV? How different would my life have been if people had not shied away from lesbian relationships? It is time for pop culture to be inclusive of our people. Little girls need this representation. They need to know that this kind of love exists, is normal, and brings fulfillment. I wish this had been my reality so that I wouldn’t have been mad when Casey from Atypical dumps her boyfriend to explore her relationship with Izzie. Because then perhaps I wouldn’t have been mad at her for doing that. I wouldn’t have been mad at Izzie for being honest. Because that is how deeply rooted my fear of being a lesbian was: I was mad at these two women for having the courage to explore their feelings and be true to themselves, when Casey could have had the perfect ending with Evan. And that is not ok. I need to let go of the idea that the perfect life means being in a heterosexual relationship. Because I know that this is not for me. This will not bring me fulfillment.

#lesbian #lgbtqplus #about me #sexuality #coming out?#gays of tumblr

10 notes · View notes

thenakedgingerwrites · 4 years

Text

The Love Potion

I had accepted that I was gay around freshman year of high school but had never come out. Now a Junior in college, the only sexual experience I had with a man was letting a guy blow me drunkenly at a random house party. Luckily none of our friends overlapped and a word of the encounter was never uttered. However, it made me crave a man that much more. All that to say, I was a convincing straight guy. Most of my friends were guys, and my closest friends were all guys from my high school football team. Most of them stayed in town to go to the local university like myself, so we stayed close. There were pros and cons to that but the major con was losing the ability to experiment and find my true sexuality without the fear of being rejected by my previous 'life.' My risk aversion was subsiding though. Partly due to the blowjob I got a couple months ago, but mainly due to Ben.

After dorms, a few of my friends got a house together near campus. It was a 5 bedroom house and worked perfectly for us. That is until one of our buddies, for a few personal reasons, dropped out and moved back home with his parents. Luckily we were able to find a couple dudes via craigslist that needed a room for the rest of the year, Ben being one of them. There was another guy that was actually the better candidate between the two, but I had pushed that we give the room to Ben. My friends didn't put up too much of a fuss or pry as to why I think he was the right choice, which I'm grateful for. I don't know how they would have taken my rationale being he was incredibly hot. When I first met Ben that day he was wearing khaki shorts that hugged his thighs and huge bubble butt and a varsity T that molded around his rounded, muscular body. Ben was short, maybe 5'8" or so. Definitely the stocky-muscle type of guy, but had maybe been drinking a little more than he should and going to the gym less. What it created was a slightly curvy but still very attractive body, from what I could tell. His face was his best quality though. Everything about him was puppy dog. He had doughy eyes, pouty lips, and an adorable button nose. Short crew cut and the hint of a shoulder tattoo later, I was lusting for him hard. After he moved in, my fantasies didn't exactly come to fruition as I had imagined. The "bump into him after a shower and his towel falls" scenario didn't happen, and he unfortunately wasn't a guy that liked to get naked for the humor factor as some of my other friends were. He did drink a lot which was maybe a gateway opportunity, but our friend circles were different. I tried to make connections but due to my hidden motives, I would always second guess myself or get too nervous. He was becoming more and more a roommate, and less and less a sex toy. And then one day, during lunch with another one of our roommates, he shared that he was super superstitious. He believed in a natural medicines too. His mom was apparently Wiccan, and although he didn't latch on to the religious side of his mother's beliefs he did believe in 'herbal magic' as he called it. We made fun of him a bit and the three of us laughed it off. The cogs had begun to wirr in my mind though. I could use this, but how? A week of googling and research led me to the idea of a love potion. There were a few different recipes or 'spells' or whatever online, and the lust was clouding my judgement as to whether this was a sound idea or not. There was a moment of doubt during the week but after Ben came in from a run, sweaty and shirtless, his round pecs and keg-abs in perfect view, I was able to wave away any hesitation. It took another week for Ben and I to be the only guys in the house for the evening, and it was now or never. I knocked on his door. There was some rustling, but opened it shortly after. He was already in 'pajamas' which consisted of loose basketball shorts and a tight t-shirt with the words "All American" written on them. "Hey, Matt. What's up?" He asked, leaning on his door frame. I was nervous, but needed to be the perfect actor tonight. "I have a.. er.. well a really random question. And it's kind of stupid." He chuckled a bit. "Okay, shoot." "You mentioned your mom the other week, and it got me curious." "Oh god," he started, rolling his eyes, "I promise I'm not a crazy person." I quickly stopped him. "No, no! That's not what I meant. See, there's this girl in my finance course that I've been crushing on hard. We've talked a few times but I don't know if she's interested. I did some googling and it looks like there's this... Wiccan love potion.." Ben's eyebrows raised, he was curious and amused. "Go on..." I felt like he was just looking for the opportunity to call me the crazy one and laugh this all off, but I continued. "Well, I'm desperate and thought I'd give it a try but could use your help. I know it's stupid, but what's a little science experiment anyway?" I laughed it off, trying to pretend I didn't really believe it would work. Which I didn't, for the record. "Well I wholly believe in that stuff, man. Herbs can be a powerful thing. They can release all sorts of chemicals in your mind to mimic emotions like love, fear, happiness, yadda yadda. Did you get a recipe for it?" I mocked a bit, "Wait, you don't have a family secret there?" We both laughed. "I do actually, and I think I have all I need but wanted you to sanity check it. See if it seems bogus." He agreed, and we went up to my room. I closed the door behind us, while unnecessary it seemed more intimate for me and try my plan. So far it was working, but the real test was yet to come. I shared the ingredients and steps I found online, and he agreed with what it was saying. Rosemary brings out this feeling, and this herb reduces inhibitions, and blah blah crazy person talk. It could have actually been a turn off, but even if I didn't believe an ounce of what was coming out of Ben's mouth he sure did know a lot about this voodoo science. And that was impressive on it's own. We worked the next 20 minutes or so creating this 'love potion.' There were a few electric moments for me like when he would help me grind an herb down and our hands would touch, or he would read out the next step and layer in his own 'professional' opinion. At one point, when he was sitting on the ground with his knees up, his shorts slid up his thigh so much that I wondered if he was even wearing underwear. The thoughts were setting me ablaze inside. When it was finally done, he explained the last steps. "So, you basically just need to add a piece of your hair to some of this, and then somehow get her to drink it." "And then what?" "I guess just wait? I'm not really sure how this concoction will work, it could affect anyone differently." Now to setup my plan. "Now I just need to find a clever way to get her to drink some random, greenish liquid. And it won't even work anyway." "Don't question the juice man, this stuff has enough herbs to turn her on to a cactus." He seemed so serious. "I just wish there was a way to test it. Well, you believe it will work so strongly how about you drink a swig. If you try and kiss me after then I'll know it's legit." Ben just laughed. "If only you could be so lucky!" I pushed it, "No really. You can prove to me that it's real. The effect is only supposed to be temporary right?" Ben got a tad more serious. "Matt, I know it will work. You're the one doubting my skills man." "Okay, you're right. I don't think this can work. I hoped it would, but this shit would be in stores everywhere if it really did." I started to ham up my disappointment. "I don't think the FDA would let it get to there. Plus most people are huge skeptics like you, so no one would buy into it." I looked into his eyes to hold a stare for a beat. "You really do believe in this stuff don't you?" "I do. Well, not all of the Wiccan stuff, but herbs and spices are just science. No need to believe anything." I got some confidence up, acting of course, and wagered with him. "Okay fine, I'll test it out." "With who?" Ben asked, admittedly he actually looked confused. Adorable. "You." He furrowed his eyebrows. "That's not funny, Matt." "No, really. No offense, I don't think I'm going to suck your face after taking a swig of this but I'm willing to take that chance." He chuckled, "that's a risky bet." "I don't think we're eye-to-eye on the odds here Ben." I chuckled back to him. He sighed. "Okay, well don't blame me when you think I'm a total hottie." "Don't worry," I sarcastically retorted, "I won't." Ben took a tiny scoop of the liquid into a measuring cup and plucked out a hair from his head. "You want me to drink your hair?!" I feigned minor disgust. "It need's some DNA. I could put some earwax in there if you'd prefer." I stuck my tongue out and agreed that the hair would suffice. "On second thought..." Ben put the cup down and stood up. He reached into his shorts, to my excitement but composed an expression of confusion, and winced a bit. Removing his hand from his crotch region, he held onto a single pube. He grinned. "Seriously dude, fuck you! I'm not eating your pube. Now I know this is a crock of shit." I didn't know how far to push my aversion but was still afraid of being outed by not having a big enough reaction. "This potion is rooted in sexual urges, and so a hair more closely rooted to sexual connotations should be more potent. You're not scared now are you?" Ben teased. "Scared of choking to death on one of your smelly pubes? Yeah." He held the hair up to his nose and took an exaggerated inhale. "It's not smelly." "Ugh." I rolled my eyes and pretended to dry heave. "You better not tell a soul about this." He mimed his other hand zipping his lips. I sighed, "fine give me your damn pube water potion." "Let me remind you this was your idea." "yeah, yeah yeah..." He added the tiny dark blonde hair into the cup and swirled it around a bit then handed it to me. "Bon appetite," he cheerfully said as he handed me the cup. I took it down in one quick gulp and followed with a few swigs of water we had nearby. It tasted like old rainwater some leaves have been decaying in. "Did it taste romantic?" Ben asked. "It tasted like dead raccoon, but that probably just your pube." We both laughed at the situation. The next minute we sat silently waiting for something to happen. I asked when I would feel this magical urge to kiss him and he shrugged. Works different on every person he said again. "Well, I don't think I find you super sexy. Sorry to ruin your night Ben." "Oh shut up, it's only been a minute. Let's play a game. Simon says." "Seriously?" he lost me. "One of the effects of the potion is that you should be willing to be persuaded by me much easier. What's one thing you would never do, even if I asked you to?" "Ben, I'm not sucking your dick. Sorry bud." Again we both laughed. He continued. "I'm not thinking anything that extreme, but good to know. Me either. Try this, stand up." I got up while acting like I was being pulled up by some ghost. "Oh my god Ben, you're a voodoo god!" "I really am," he said, amused. "Now spin around." I did as was told, still hamming it up. "Jump. Touch your toes. Blink your eyes. Pinch yourself." He had me do routine, mundane tasks for a couple minutes. I stopped pretending a ghost was manipulating me at some point and just did as I was told, kind of forgetting what was going on. Then finally he told me to take off my pants. It snapped me back to consciousness. I pushed back against the command accusing him of just wanting to see my dick and called him a perv. He said, "no, no. Just your sweatpants, you goof." Somehow this made it much more palatable and the pants dropped immediately. I stood there in my t-shirt and boxer briefs staring at Ben for my next move. He stood up, walked over to my bed and plopped down face first. He told me to give him a back massage. I no longer really knew what was me and what was the potion, but I honestly didn't care. I got up on the bed and straddled him. After a few minutes of massaging his back he told me to take off his shirt. I did, then continued the massage. His skin was so smooth and soft under my hands. My own butt resting on his was starting to pool blood to my crotch. "Massage my ass" and I did. I shifted down lower and began to knead his huge bubble butt through his shorts. A minute of this and he told me to strip him completely. He helped a little by arching his back, but the shorts quickly peeled down off his legs revealing his succulent globes just asking for my hands. The massage continued and I enjoyed every second of it. His ass was so warm to my cool hands. It was lightly dusted in dark blond hair but not really hairy like some of the guys I'd see in the locker room. It was definitely the biggest though. As I kneaded his butt, I would get more daring with my movements. I would get closer to his crack but the move away. Timid. I began to turn my kneading movements into spreading ones, exposing his hole a little more each time. My thumbs would rub inward towards his hole when I spread his cheeks. It started subtle, I think, but at some point became very deliberately sexual. I had almost touched his little dark rosebud when he said, "Yep, you're gay for me right now." Startled, I jumped off him and stammered my protest. He rolled his head over and laughed. "It's okay dude, it's the potion. I won't tell anyone." I reiterated, "I"m not gay for you dude. I was just giving you a massage, that's not gay." He looked down, "Your boner begs to differ." I followed his eyes and saw my cock stretching against the elastic of my boxer briefs, slightly peeking above the band. I covered up my shame. "I"m not gay" I said again. "I know, Matt. But for the sake of our deal, I've gotta do this." I was about to ask “do what?” but he beat me to it. He turned over to reveal his semi-hard cock and balls, nestled in a light patch of dark blonde hair. "Suck my dick." I instantly remembered that when I drank the potion this is exactly what I said I wouldn't do. However at this point Ben seemed confident that the potion was in complete control and I could finally live out my fantasy without any repercussion. I didn't hesitate. I got back on the bed and shoved my face into his crotch. I hadn't sucked a cock before, and honestly hadn't even been this close to another dick in my life. Ben wasn't fully hard yet, but I could already tell he was bigger than me. Probably only about 6 or 7 inches long like me but much thicker. His balls were larger too. I wondered how I would fit it in my mouth if it kept growing but accepted the challenge. I used one hand to guide his member into my mouth. I only took a couple inches in to wet it with saliva. He tasted so good. Slightly salty but a pretty neutral flavor overall. For some reason I had imagined a cock would taste just like what cum smelled like. I was happy to see it was far less extreme. As I whetted him fully and began to pump him while I swirled my tongue around his head, Ben began to get audible. He started with just some sighs and moans, but quickly began to give me specific directions. "Jack me harder, lick my shaft, suck my balls, swirl your tongue, deep throat me." His hands began to guide my head as well. I gladly took the direction. He had gotten fully erect by now. I came up for air to admire his cock. I was right about it's size. It may even be a bit shorter than mine, but boy was it thick. Although it realistically couldn't have been as thick as a soda can, it looked like it without a direct comparison. "Don't stop Matt!" Ben looked down at me during my break and quickly got me back on task. I sucked and pumped him but I wanted a little more. I took a creative liberty and started to trail my mouth downward. I had seen in hundreds of porn clips guys eating out another guy's ass. I'd never had it done to me to validate if it felt as good as porn made it seem, but wanted to test it out on Ben. I don't think the thought would have crossed his mind, but once I began sucking on his taint and still moved south he got the hint and silently complied. Ben arched back and raised his legs and ass up into the air. I kept one hand firmly around his cock and jacked him off as my tongue made it's fast approach to Ben's virgin asshole. The taste was unique. He had clearly showered some point in the evening, but still I thought it would taste a little like, well, shit. I was delighted to discover it didn't. It almost tasted like a sweet cologne. There was a musky quality but also a sweet aroma. I mimicked all the actions I'd seen in porn. I licked his hole, spat on it, sucked on it. Ben seemed to like just the simple lick the most, and so I focused on that. It didn't take long into this new experience for him to reach climax. His breathing began to speed up and he breathed/growled, "I'm gonna cum." I had a conflict of interest. I had never seen another guy cum in real life, and wanted to watch him erupt all over himself for my viewing pleasure. I also had never tasted another man's cum before, and the thought of taking his explosion into my mouth was incredibly hot too. It was a split second decision, but I threw his hips back down to the bed and wrapped my lips around his cock. Ben tried to push my head off him and breathed a "no, you don't have.." but I swatted him away and brought him to the point of orgasm. He went past the moan decibel and actually yelled in pleasure as he erupted into the back of my throat. The warm, sticky liquid shot ribbon after ribbon against the back of my mouth. I attempted to swallow between bursts but turns out swallowing when there's a cock in your mouth is hard or at least it was for me, so some of his seed dripped out of my mouth and down his shaft. I milked every ounce out of him, and even squeezed his cock like a toothpaste tube to get the last few drops. Ben's intensely tense, and sweaty body turned to putty after a few shudders. I sucked on his cock for another minute or so as it waned in my mouth. Finally accepting that my fun was done for the night, I let it pop out of my mouth. Ben arched up on his elbows. "You have a nice dick." I said, smiling. He chuckled, "that's the potion talking, but thanks." The potion. I had forgotten. Ben read the look but mistook it for more of a panic. He leaned up and grabbed his shorts from the floor, quickly slipping them on. Grabbing his shirt he said, "I should go take a shower. I'm really sorry about this." I tried to stop him but he was out my door and down the stairs in a blink. I just laid there on my bed staring up at the ceiling. My first time sucking a cock was amazing, and of all people it was with Ben: my ultimate fantasy man. I heard the water turn on from the shower the floor below, and took the opportunity to finally pleasure myself. I imagined Ben in the shower and replayed the last hour in my head. I came with more force and volume than I had, maybe ever. I cleaned myself and my room up, and waited to walk down and approach Ben. I finally got the courage a couple hours later but when I approached his room I could tell the lights were off and turned back. I'm not sure if I'd ever get that chance again with Ben. One thing for sure though, I was 100% addicted to dick and needed more. I had lived 21 years without it and had all that time to make up for. How I was going to get it, would be another adventure.

#magic #mind control #cmnm #aware

48 notes · View notes

sunwisecircle · 3 years

Text

Hwaet

The other day I was feeling kind of poorly because I kept seeing all these posts about feeling drawn to this or that deity, or the Theoi ‘showing up’ in people’s lives. (Or: how I realized Dionysos is encouraging my unterwürfiges ass to be assertive, a post)

I don’t know as I ever felt ‘drawn’ to Dionysos. I had a fascination with Mercury when I was in middle school, part of my twisty-turny religious history, which I now equate to Hermes having always been around in one form or another. I read mythology a lot as a kid -- my father had a copy of Bullfinch that I carried around in my backpack for ages and I was obsessed with the Roman Empire for part of elementary school, and I had learned that the Greek and Roman gods were the same so while I know differently now, I look at the Mercury/Hermes thing in the context of that background. I thought the mythology was cool. I referenced Bacchus on a regular basis as a certified wine aunt. But Dionysos didn’t just show up in my life when I decided I wanted to worship. Hermes didn’t just show up.

It made me feel bad, and I wondered if I was doing something wrong because the Theoi didn’t and haven’t ever come to me. I’ve never had a dream in which they reveal themselves to me. I’ve never had a moment of ‘oh, this deity is calling to me’ or ‘that deity is interested in working with me’. I never even followed the advice I saw of doing research before introducing yourself to a deity, doing the introduction, then asking their permission to worship them & waiting for their assent before doing so -- and if they say no, then that’s that (that last will never not be confusing to me they are deities they are literally there to be worshipped why do I need to ask their permission to do so but go off I guess???).

But the more I thought about it, the more it only makes sense. Of course the Theoi didn’t ‘show up’ in my life. Of course they didn’t show interest in me, or send me dreams, or whatever. Given the course of my life, that would not have made sense.

When I was 19 I left my parents’ house because I wasn’t going to let them dictate my future when I had to pay for everything. I made the choice. When I was twenty-one and my ex (may he rot) left me, I made the choice never to put my life on hold for anyone ever again. I chose my university. I chose my major. I made a 13-year plan to reach a set of goals (two more years on that and I only have three more goals to reach, two of which I am currently in the middle of, so looks like I’m right on track). I moved to another country by myself with €900, two suitcases, and a backpack when I was 25 to make a life for myself. I made choice after choice, and didn’t wait for anyone to give me permission to live my life how I wanted to. I’m not even the type of person that waited for other people to make the first move. If I had a crush on someone, I’d walk up to them and tell them as much. (I literally once walked up to a guy I liked and told him he should ask me out for coffee).

How would it make any sense for the gods to come to me instead of the other way around. When I got sick of worshipping a god who hated me, I decided on Dionysos. I walked up and said ‘Hi. I like you. We should be friends.’ and that was that. Once I learned more, I’ll admit to having had fear of approaching the other Theoi the same way because I’d seen so much about them coming to people instead of the other way around, and I was afraid the first time I prayed to Hermes before travelling because I didn’t know him and he hadn’t made himself known to me yet and what if it was rude and and and. After that first time... I’m still fearful, of course, but I think that’s more owing to my upbringing and religious trauma than anything else. I don’t wait for the Theoi to come into my life. Dionysos didn’t show up; Hermes didn’t show up. I showed up to them. I walked up to Apollon and gave him my term paper about Old English poetry, and bought him some orange-coloured candles. I told Hermes this next term paper about late Latin language change is for him (Hey, I am making this thing and I want to give it to you as a gift). My thesis -- the topic of which I still don’t know -- is for Dionysos. He knows this. I told him as much. I gave Hestia my lava lamp since I turn it on every evening before I say my prayers and turn it off when I go to sleep. I went to The Trees and poured a general round of libations for the Twelve Above, Those Below, and Anyone Who Wishes to Partake.

None of which is to say that I’m particularly assertive, because the gods above and below know I am not. I have certainly been manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do, and ended up in situations that were bad for me because I am the world’s most submissive submissive. It may be the autism. Or the authoritarian upbringing. Maybe both. Probably both.

My beloved lord Dionysos knows this about me, which I think is part of the reason that he has never been anything but gentle with me. Even when he gave me directions to do something, he never got angry with me when I was scared to do so. Right after I announced to him that we should be friends, he was on me to get rid of a toxic relationship in my life and I pushed it off for weeks because that would require me to be forceful. The prodding I got. The poking. The ‘Hon. Come on. You know you need to’. So I did. I’d wanted to for years, but he helped me find the courage to do so.

He’s always been very much about consent. Do I want something. Am I sure I want to worship him. Do I know my goals. What do i want out of a relationship with him.

Then lately when I ask him questions I’ve been getting ‘maybe’ cards. Almost like he’s saying ‘What do you think?’. (Which isn’t to say that he doesn’t give me straight answers about important things. He’ll point me in a direction if I need it. If I ask him about an offering and he’s not a fan, he’ll give me a definitive no; or if I’m doing poorly and just need reassurance he’ll definitely give it to me.) (Ffs he is so good to me fakjlafdskjlöadfsjköfas I can’t.) I usually ask him if he has time to chat with me before doing a tarot reading. Once he said no, but I really needed to talk to him so I told him as much. He then said yes. I said thank you and told him I love him after. I told him once that I wanted his advice on something, and when he gave me a ‘well, what do you think?’ I told him I know what I think, but that he’s my god and the giver of good counsel and I wanted his input before I did anything. He gave it to me. I told him thank you, that I love him, and took his advice in consideration.

And then it hit me. I am not used to asking for what I want. I am not used to giving my opinion. I am not used to setting boundaries, or saying no. And this absolute amazing deity, a literal fucking god, is out here getting me to practice with him. It’s like he looked at me and said ‘You remember how you just came up to me one day? That energy? I like that. Let’s keep that, shall we?’.

Make goals. What do you want. Think about it. Dream big. What do you want. What do you want. What do you want.

Oh.

Okay.

What do I want?

#shut up dyllan #helpol #baby hellenic ramblings

2 notes · View notes

rora-s · 3 years

Text

My Coming Out Story

Disclaimer: Due to the personal nature of this story names have been changed as to not reveal peoples identity. I’m not sure why I decided to post this story now. It’s something I’ve hadn’t written for awhile but never knew when or where to place it. I’m posting it now and I hope that if someone needs it now in their life they can read it and feel a little better about how things are going. When I was little I really didn’t have a concept of what gay was. I grew up in a loving christian home with my mechanical engineer turned youth minister mom and my current electrical engineer dad who was also the music leader at church for a number of years. There were also my three siblings of which I was the second oldest. My life revolved around church. It was literally where I went to preschool and I spent at least five days a week there well into my teenage years.

Growing up in this way wasn’t bad. I had a great community and family. However, that changed. I remember thinking during my elementary school days that I thought of guys and girls the same. The only thing was that I understood that when you get married girls marry guys and vice versa. That’s just how it was and I thought everyone felt the way I did. You just had to pair up like that.

I had heard the word gay and understood the concept of it when I was in elementary school thanks to my church and one kid at my school. My mom told me he was gay and I didn’t believe it because he was so nice and from what I understood gay meant bad. (He came out when we were in middle school and was one of my inspirations later on.)

Still the first time I had a personal connection with having that label was when some girls started a rumor that me and one of my best friends who was also female had kissed on the playground during recess. This was an outright lie and my violent tendencies at the time due to (at that time) unmedicated ADHD caused me to lash out and beat up the bully which got me sent to the principal's office. I didn’t tell anyone why I had beat up the girl just that she was being mean to my friend. As I was a frequent flyer in the office at that time they didn’t really question me all that hard anyway. Now that I’m older I can’t really tell you why I didn’t tell anyone what the girls said. Whether I was embarrassed, scared, or just too stubborn to give them an answer I don’t remember I just know I didn’t.

Fast forward to middle school and I was a far more awkward, less violent teen. At this point I was still pretty unaware of the world around me in regards to the LGBT. I knew that there were some kids in my grade that had come out as LGBT that kid I mentioned before among them. Still to me it was something that was viewed as a bad thing they were sinners. It was all what church had taught me whether it be explicitly by some or implicitly by the majority it was still something I picked up on as a child.

Then one day my mom told me that we had been invited by two of her friends from college to have lunch with them. It was at one of my favorite little cafes so I was really excited. She told me they were psychologists and that they were together. She also told me they were two men. I was shocked. I didn’t think gay people could have significant relationships like straight people. On top of that I couldn’t imagine my mom -- who by all accounts was the symbol of a perfect godly woman to my entire church community -- could be friends with them.

Her response to my shock: “We’re christians, they are not, we hate the sin but we love the sinner. Despite being gay they are still good people but since they aren’t christians we can’t hold them to the same standard as us. They simply don’t believe in it.” (I paraphrased but this is the general idea of the conversation)

It was the first time I had heard such a sentiment and I went into that lunch with a curious perspective. I was still a little shy so I didn’t ask about it but I watched them together, made note of their wedding bands (gay marriage wasn’t legal then but they were symbolic to them), and witnessed their love for each other. After that I started finding myself paying more attention to my peers who had come out. Many of which I ran in the same circles as. The more I watched and interacted and bonded with them the more my bigoted thoughts that gays were these lustful bad people faded and I realized they were normal people.

That’s when I realized something. Not everyone loves both guys and girls and just picks a side. I learned that bisexuality existed. The next step I took in my journey was repression. I was a christian. Christians were not gay. I was not gay. I could not be gay. I was just imagining it and it’s not a big deal. Afterall I still like guys so we're fine.

This lasted until my sophomore year of high school, choir class, and a girl with freckles, short multi colored hair, dazzling eyes, and the singing voice of an angel. The panic was real and my emotions would not shut up. I couldn't come to terms with it. With any of it.

I denied my feelings for most of that year until one day I was with two of my friends. We were all writers and talking about different stories we were working on. Then one of them paused in the middle of what she was saying and turned to me saying “these characters are gay. We know you don’t believe in that stuff but that’s what it is”

I looked back at her in shock and I responded with “that’s okay. I am a christian and while I might never practice that myself I’m okay with other people doing it. Hate the sin, love the sinner” my friend smiled at me and said that was the first time she’d heard such an accepting thing from a christian and continued telling us about her story as we headed to class.

I was glad I put a smile on her face and made her feel accepted but honestly I felt like a complete piece of garbage. I’d simply parroted back to hear all the stuff that had been shoved down my throat for my entire life. Did I really believe it though? I couldn’t stop thinking about that conversation for the rest of the week. I also couldn’t stop thinking about that girl from choir class but that was honestly nothing new.

About a week later our school had standardized testing going on. Which divided up kids into computer labs by grade and last name. Me and one of my guy friends we’ll call him Cane had luckily been seated near each other. During one of our breaks when we were allowed to talk. I went over and leaned on the desk next to him. He vented to me about how he had a crush on one of our mutual friends and was thinking about asking her out but was nervous. I gave him encouragement as best I could then he inquired whether I was interested in anyone. Before I really thought about it I answered yes. He asked who and after only a few moments of deliberation I admitted that it was the girl from my choir class. He acknowledged and agreed that she was cute before continuing on. I looked at him in surprise and pointed out to him that she was female. He said he knows and that it wasn’t that big of a deal if I liked girls. I thanked him and asked him not to tell anyone because I still wasn’t sure. He agreed to keep it under wraps but did tease me a little for my crush.

After that conversation. I finally took the leap and began to look up the LGBT community online. I found forums and support centers and ted talks and messages and christians saying that LGBT was okay. I was ecstatic but still I was worried so I prayed and the more I prayed and researched and talked with other LGBT people the more I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. Finally I could admit to myself that I was in fact bisexual and I was okay with that and so was my God.

I still wasn’t comfortable coming out to anyone yet. So I spent more time on online forums for LGBT youth and writers. I learned about the community and I embraced my crush on the girl in choir. Even though it didn’t pan out and I fell for a boy we’ll call him Reese and started dating him my junior year. It felt like things were going okay. I was able to tell one of my friends call them Alex finally that year and they intern told me that they were asexual. We were able to support each other in our closets and were happy.

During my Junior year even though my feelings for the choir girl faded I ended up meeting another girl in my Fire and Rescue class at the career education center that partnered with my high school. We’ll call her Polly. She was an incredible person, bright and beautiful and unabashedly herself all the time. We bonded over marvel movies and writing. Even though I was dating Reese at the time I was falling head over heels for this girl. It took me a while to figure it out as slowly me and Polly became better friends but I was developing feelings for her.

Finally, my senior I got the courage (with support of Alex) to come out to my main friend group. It was at a marching band competition and everyone was super supportive. My best friend you can call her April she said she wasn’t surprised and Reese who was still my boyfriend at the time said he loved me and would always support me and this didn’t change that. I even came back out to Cane again because I had genuinely forgotten that he already knew. He reminded me of what he said that day. That it didn’t matter and he wouldn’t tell a soul. They were all proud of me for owning who I was. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

However, it couldn’t last. When I was telling April one of the band mom’s overheard and gave me a shocked and disgusted look. She didn’t say anything but she didn’t have to. She was known for being the gossip of the group and she was a religious friend of my moms. If she had overheard then it was only a matter of time before she told my mother.

I was terrified. When I got home from the competition I watched my mom to see if she was going to react at all to me. She didn’t and I realized she hadn’t been told yet. I was relieved but knew that I wanted to be the one to tell my mom. I didn’t want her to hear it from a secondary source, especially not the gossip. So I got on one of my forums and talked to some LGBT friends who encouraged me before I took a deep breath and headed into my parents room.

My dad was away on business so it was just my mother. I told her I had something to tell her and she gave me her attention. I explained that I had come to accept myself as I am and that I knew God had also accepted me as the way I am. I told her I was bisexual and waited watching her.

She stared at me for a long moment. Her face was a mixture of confusion and fear and the next words out of her mouth I will never forget she asked “does this mean you’re going to hell?”

I felt like someone had just pulled the floor out from under me. She didn’t understand and spent the next couple minutes trying to convince me I was mistaken or that this was wrong. We stayed civil and eventually she just said she needed to process this and sent me back to my room. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next day at school I told my friends what happened and they comforted me. When I got back from school and band practice I hid in my room until that evening when my father got home from his business trip. He came to my door and told me we needed to talk. My younger sisters were banished to their room as me, my mom, and my dad - who had been told by my mom - sat in the living room to discuss the fact that I was gay.

Shortly after starting the conversation/argument a boy (Derek) who was like my older brother came over. He wasn’t biologically related to us but he had a key to the house, would often come over, referred to us as his siblings/parents, and was referred to by us as our brother/son. Me and him were very close and despite my parents wanting to send him to the other room I insisted he stay as things had already begun to get heated between me and my father.

Derek helped keep the tension down but there was still plenty of yelling. He acted as an impartial mediator for most of it. My dad yelled a lot, my mother cried, I both yelled and cried. It was a rough night. It ended with me storming back to my room. A while later Derek came to my room and talked with me. He explained that he didn’t understand or know if he agreed with it but he’d make the effort and be there for me. I thanked him.

My house after that was tense to say the least. My parents avoid the subject at all costs. My sisters knew thanks to the yelling that night but didn’t comment on it. The next time my mom brought it up was to tell me that I couldn’t tell my cousin about it because she would spread it to the rest of my dad’s side of the family. She also said I couldn’t tell her mother, my grandmother, because she had a heart condition and it could kill her. Sometimes I still wonder how my grandmother would have reacted had I told her before she died. She once told me she had a friend who was gay and that she cared about him deeply. I think she would have accepted me.

The first time my siblings brought it up was when me and my two younger sisters were left in the car while my mom ran into the store. We were listening to music and chatting when my sister asked “so how long did you know you were bi” I was surprised because up until then I hadn’t realized my sisters knew I was bisexual. I explained it to them briefly and asked what they thought of it. They both said they agreed that people should be able to love who they want to love. Though my sister Greta thought it was kinda gross because she didn’t get how two of the same gender could have sex. Still it didn’t change anything for them and they apologized for how our parents had been handling it. I was so thankful for their support.

By the end of my senior year I was out and proud to all of my peers. I came out to my friend Hannah and Derek's girlfriend Mary at the same time as a casual drop in a conversation. Neither reacted at the time but asked me about it later. Mary more directly wanting to understand as both her and Derek are very religious. While Hannah was more of making a comment about me eyeing a girl that I had a crush on and being obvious. I can’t remember when I came out to my older brother James who lives in a different city. However, he never really questioned it beyond being tense when I brought it up around our parents. I was becoming bold in my identity. I had even written a love poem about about girl (Polly) for an english class assignment to stick it too a homophobic teacher.

I ended up breaking up with Reese pretty early on my senior year as I realized what I felt for Polly. To this day I still consider my feelings for her the first time I fell in love with someone. I cared about Reese deeply and still do but only ever as a friend. Since we were in middle school people had been pushing us together and while we fit together on paper and from the outside. My feelings inside didn’t match and I didn’t want to lead him on. Polly was the one I truly wanted to be with but the same couldn’t be said for her. She had met a boy in her senior year and they were starting to talk. She really liked him and I was her main confidant for her feelings. I took them and I encouraged her to pursue a relationship with the boy because I knew she felt for him more than she did for me. She loved me but only as a friend. As her and her boyfriend got closer I worked to let go of my feelings for her gradually.

Meanwhile my parents were like a looming dark cloud and it felt like I was stuck in a cage of some sort anytime I left the shelter of my friends. This only got worse when I graduated that spring and summer rolled around. I tried to get out of the house as much as possible but I didn’t drive and this made things difficult. The relationship between me and my parents began to get more and more strained to the point I almost ran away one night after my mom punched me.

I began to view leaving for college that fall to be the holy land. My montra became that if I could only survive the summer I could make it. Me and my friend Hannah were going to the same college and going to be roommates. I was going to get to study what I loved and be who I was. I went into survival mode. Then the biggest mental strain hit.

Every year since I was nine years old I went to church camp for a week in the summer. I had been going longer than I was supposed to because my mom was a leader of the camp and my whole family got to go even Derek and Mary. Normally Hannah would come as well but she had something else come up that year and couldn’t. I knew the place very well and absolutely loved it. It was a time of year I looked forward to and couldn’t wait to go back too especially since I was now a worker at the camp instead of just a camper.

This year was tougher than most. I was given a lecture about not telling anyone that I was bisexual before I left because if they found out I was gay I wouldn’t be allowed to come back to camp. I was horrified at the idea and tried my best not to think about it. Even when I got a crush on my fellow female camp worker. It was a stressful week and it all culminated one night.

I can’t tell you whether I believed what I felt in that moment. It all felt like a blur like I was about to shatter under the weight of everything bearing down on me all the lying and fighting. I think part of me wanted to believe that me being gay could be prayed away that night and that I could just stop having to deal with all this pressure. So that’s what happened. I told one of my leaders and they asked me a bunch of questions like had I kissed a girl or had sex and then they prayed for me.

Afterward I told my mom and she literally cried about it hugging me and thanking God that I was healed. I felt sick and I threw up before I went to sleep that night.

I went to college that summer as a straight girl and I held on to that label for most of my first semester. I loved college. Me and my roommate/best friend Hannah met three great friends that first semester, Sylas, Kurt, and Randall. Sylas was busy a lot so we mostly hung out with Kurt and Randall. All of us played D&D together and had movie nights. Me and Hannah also found a christian group on campus and got settled there.

I thought I was happy with my life however I still felt sick and disjointed anytime the concept of homosexuality got brought up. It was a hard time and I prayed about it alot. I talked to some of my church friends about how I had turned back to straight. Until one day a video ended up in my recommendations and it was a ted talk. I clicked on it not realizing what it was and found that it was a gay christan woman talking about how these two factors don’t have to be mutually exclusive in life. I was riveted, I watched the entire video twice and felt my heart be convicted. God never wanted me to be straight; he never wanted me to change who I was. I loved me how I was. It was the people who had the problem.

The minute Hannah got back to the dorm I came back out to her. Her exact words were “ah so you finally figured that out”. I was so grateful to have her in my life and we talked for hours after that. Not long after I started coming out to people again and in turn Randall came out to us about how he was bisexual as well. I finally felt free again. Going back home that winter was tough, however, it was made better by the support of my friends with regular skype calls and group chat messages. Not to mention since my parents thought I was straight they weren’t pressuring me anymore.

When I went back to school things were still going great and I ended up meeting a girl named Eve in my EMT class. We immediately hit it off and started talking. It wasn’t long before I formed a huge crush on her but she was getting over a break up and I didn’t want to push. Still we became extremely close. Eventually, she did start dating a guy me and Hannah knew from a gamers club on campus. I had missed my shot. Then I went home for spring break and had to stay due to the COVID-19 pandemic. It was hard being away from my friends and stuck in my parents house. Still we all had regular skype D&D sessions and texted a lot on the groupchat.

During the months I was stuck at home I got a job working at the local Home Depot. I was excited to work as it was my first real job. My grandmother had owned a family business but I didn’t do much other than stock shelves there. Here I was a cashier and I enjoyed my job a lot even though it could get crazy. Then one day I was at my register and a fellow coworker I was aware worked in the paint department approached my register with a polar pop and asked where her wife was. I was confused and she noticed I was new and said not to worry about it and have a good day. I watched after her and saw her go up and greet my head cashier who was a female and give her the polar pop before heading back to the paint department. I was astounded.

Not long after I had it confirmed that her and the female head cashier were married. Another cashier came out to me as non-binary and another cashier told me her brother was gay and she’d be the loudest ally ever if anyone tried to mess with me. I felt accepted like nothing else. It was incredible to feel so validated and free to be myself in my workplace.

Going back to school that fall was difficult due to COVID-19. Me and my friends (Polly as well as she began attending college with us that year) could no longer host D&D at my and Hannah’s dorm like we did before because of the regulations. Thankfully Eve came up with a solution. She was the only one of us who lived off campus in a house she rented. We were welcome there anytime. I still had a massive crush on her and when I found out she had broken up with her boyfriend over the summer I almost asked her out. However, another guy had beaten me to it. We ended up going over to Eve’s house multiple times a week and I would go even when the rest of the group wasn’t before long I was sleeping over at her house regularly. Often when it wasn’t even planned. I was even dubbed the most responsible friend by her grandmother who absolutely loved me.

Then her boyfriend at the time dumped her. The entire group rallied to comfort and support her. She took it really hard and I stayed over for a weekend to make sure she was alright. My feelings really started to grow as we got more physically intimate with cuddling and laying in bed together still it was all considered platonic. I really wanted to ask her out but didn’t know when it was too soon. Hannah and Polly both encouraged me to ask her out.

Then another boy showed up in her life. I was greatly concerned and disheartened as their relationship was progressing in her typical pattern. I thought I had missed my chance. However, the boy made a fatal mistake as Eve is demisexual. She doesn’t like moving into physical contact beyond cuddling too quickly if at all and he started to push her to kiss him. She immediately stopped the relationship after he made overt moves that disregarded her clearly made boundaries and he was derogatory toward her.

About one or two weeks later I was over at her house one evening and we were talking about him and dating and life. I finally took a deep breath and told her there was something I needed to tell her and I was afraid it would ruin our friendship. I confessed to her that I liked her and wanted to date her. I didn’t ask her out specifically though because she has told me in the past she has trouble saying no so I left out the question and simply told her how I felt to do with what she felt was right.

She was shocked and immediately started smiling saying she liked me too. I was elated. We talked more about how we had been feeling and how we had both been worried about what the other would say and how she had been blind to my pining which apparently her last serious boyfriend had picked up on and was why he dumped her. (He later told her that he saw how we were together and began to see that me and her fit better than him and her and he wanted us to be together.) We started dating that night and I immediately called Hannah and Polly to tell them the news joking that since I couldn’t tell my parents that I wanted to tell them and they jokingly responded by giving Eve a talking to about not hurting me.

The next couple months were ups and downs but me and Eve had each other to support and our relationship was very steady. One night when I was having a depressive episode because of my school situation (I was failing my virtual classes). I called my brother James to vent to him. While he was comforting me I told him that I had a girlfriend and he was immediately accepting, asking all about her and acting like it was normal until I brought it up specifically her being female. He assured me it didn’t matter and that he still wanted to meet her but wouldn’t tell my parents.

That winter I had to go home again for break which would be a couple months. Eve gave me her spare PS4 and a headset so we could play games together long distance and we spent our last couple days together as much as we could. Prior to me leaving she surprised me with necklaces for us that were each half of the star wars rebels symbol. Her’s had the phrase “I love you” engraved on it and mine had the phrase “I Know”.

That winter I missed her even after going back to work and finding that another character that is a part time drag queen got added to the staff. They also pretty much adopted me and my head cashier came out to me as gender-fluid. All of them were proud to hear I had a girlfriend and I was finally able to tell someone not my family all about her. I missed her a ton. So me and Eve came up with a plan.

After some figuring with my parents she was able to come visit for a couple days between Christmas and New Years as my “good friend”. It was a great time. My three siblings that were there all knew she was my girlfriend, my little sisters having figured it out when the three of us were talking. One of my sister Georgie admitted that she was considering herself to maybe be asexual and my sister Greta (who at one point said being gay was gross) came out to me as also being bisexual. We all are able to support each other.

Eve’s visit went really well and my parents adored her and she adored my parents. Though it was stressful especially right after she left and my grandmother who was visiting asked -- at the dining room table where me, my grandparents, my parents, and all my siblings were sat-- “did your girlfriend leave?” There was a split second where me and my siblings shared a telepathic moment of panic before remembering that in my grandmother’s vernacular she simply meant my friend that was a girl and I simply answered yes.

As winter break moved along I began to discuss other options with my parents about my schooling. With my ADHD and my manner of learning, virtual classes were not working for me. I had failed most of my online classes meanwhile being near the top of my classes in my in person classes. It was an obvious disparity the only exception being my math class which was a hybrid class and I will admit was a failure mostly due to my lack of ability to understand math.

I’d already been considering the idea since my depressive episode calling James who’d been the one to suggest it during the fall semester. But now the conversation was whether or not I would sit out the spring semester. After some discussion and the fact that I didn’t have a job in my college town but did at home and Hannah wouldn’t be coming back to school after graduating early. Meaning I wouldn’t have a roommate. (Polly and me had a fight and are not on speaking terms). The decision was finally made I would not be returning to college in the spring.

It was a hard decision and I had to tell Eve. I took sometime to figure out what I would say since I knew it was going to be hard. Finally I worked out the words and told her that was going to be gone for longer than planned. I knew long distance would be hard and suggest we try to make plans to stay in closer contact with each other that way it wouldn’t be as bad. I’d told her when we first started dating that communication was the most important thing to me in a relationship.

A week passed and we didn’t really discuss it as we were both busy with our individual jobs. Then I got a text from her saying she wanted to talk. The next text I received was her breaking up with me. She said she didn’t want to be the only one making the effort to see each other since she had a car and license and I didn’t. She further said she didn’t want me to feel like I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship since she was into physical intimacy. She’d decided we should break up and that was that. But she still wanted to be friends because she liked my family.

I was very placated in my response. It was a complete shock. Both because it was over text and also it had seemingly come from nowhere. She’d never communicated such feelings to me.

I reassured her that I never felt like I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of the relationship. I also told her we could still be friends but that it would take us time to figure out our balance with each other.

I called texted James when it happened and he asked if I was okay. I responded with I don’t know and he immediately called me. We talked for a while and he comforted me about the situation. The next person I told was Alex. They comforted me as well and we figured out a day where we could hang out, watch movies and eat ice cream as the normal break up fix it. I was grateful for both their support.

I was hurt by Eve’s actions. I took a risk bringing her to my home with my parents. If they had found anything out about us. I don’t know what would have happened and to call it quits without even trying to work through it or communicate how she was feeling. It felt like I wasn’t worth the effort of her feelings or time and investment.

I’d made the first draft of this before the break up and the ending had read “I hope one day I will be be to get support from my parents as well but even if I can’t, I hope that I will st least be able to be my true self around them and introduce Eve as my girlfriend”

That’s changed now. I don’t just hope that I can introduce someone as my girlfriend I hope that whoever I bring home will be accepted by my family for who they are and me for who I am. I’m not straight. I never have been. I might marry a man someday I might marry a woman but whoever I bring home. I will still be bisexual and I will never stop trying to be a voice for those who can’t speak up. Once I’m not under my parents roof. I hope I can live my true life and help those who have been muzzled and closeted for far to long as I have.

2 notes · View notes

sillybitchynerd · 3 years

Text

The thing I hate the most about Dark Phoenix as a movie is the fact that the characters are so good...but they do literally NOTHING with them after setting up movies worth of development and tugging you along with ‘maybe this will be a thing? NOPE!’ You can literally go through every character and watch their development just STOP and see were they TRIED to do something cool and interesting but failed....because they didn’t spend any time on the new thing they wanted that character to be into.

Jean and Scotts whole relationship. Outta the blue more or less, hinted in Apoc but then suddenly they are just a super solid couple. I’ll buy it but we get about maybe.....4 lines of them talking to each other? They make a big deal about them for a bit there with the whole ‘you said you would always come back to me’...but then she dosn’t? It’s not even Scott that does really anything for Jean in the end he’s just there to yell her name a bunch.

QuickSilver: Three whole damn movies about his daddy issues and they don’t even have a SINGLE SCENE together. He’s just yeeted from the movie after the first fight and we literally never see him until the end sorta? Could they not afford the actor for more than two days? But three movies of him finding out Magneto is his dad, coming to terms with it in the next movie and getting ready to confront him then third movie, should be the big confrontation annnddddddd, *fart nosie*

NightCrawler: They didn’t do really much of anything with Kurt and it’s a shame because this is prolly one of my fav versions of him. Sweet religious boy who’s more afraid of fighting, better at running away. They do pepper in little scenes of him being FORCED to fight and really not super into it. The cage match scene were he stops running and fights back only to apologize for defending himself, running around the base being spooked by the dead bodies and blood everywhere. Having a goofy one liner again Warren when he at last traps him (but dosn’t kill him), then in DP he dosn’t wanna fight Jean and tries to plead with her. He dosn’t fight in the street but acts as a taxi for everyone getting jerked around and spooked before a breaking point on the train were he snaps after someone died trying to protect him while he just cowered in the corner. THAT’S GOOD.....but it’s not really developed. He has maybe 5 lines of dialog in the whole movie and suffers greatly from a lot of tiny glances of character with a huge left field swing where he straight up murders people on a rampage. But it’s a blink and you’ll miss it moment that isn’t REALLY out of character after two movies of being a shy run away boy. But....blink and you really will miss it. Feels like they really wanted high fight scene to be this ‘OMG’ moment with him making all these demonic faces and snarling at the enemy before murdering them....but eh,

Charles: Good...fucking god it’s like he didn’t have 4 movies to develop into a character who wouldn’t suddenly become super narcissistic and shitty. He keeps learning the SAME LESSON over and over and over and over. Listen to your friends, you don’t have all the answers, work as a team, believe in each other. Care! But suddenly NOPE he likes photo shoots more than characters he’s said are like his literal children. He puts them at risk because once again he thinks HE knows better and will always know better and refuses to listen to anyone else.

Raven: She’s so...hit or miss for me every single movie. She’s often written as a really REALLY dumb character who even when told flat out ‘if you do this it will destroy our kind in mass murder later on’ will respond with ‘oh wellllll gonna do it!’ but she’s way to flip flop to really have any kind of development to follow. She’s good then she’s bad then she’s good again...then bad again. She cares about the kids, she dosn’t care about the kids, suddenly she cares SO MUCH they are a family but she’s ready to up and leave them in the next scene. Goes on and on about not wanting to be a hero but....is a super hero.

Hank: He’s a character we don’t get a lot on most of the time. They try and make him important but he’s 180 into ‘I’m gonna murder a child I help raise’ was such a whip lash moment. Hanks been at the school since it started....he raised Jean, watched her grow up...and he is so READY to murder her even if it’s clear she can’t control her powers and she didn’t mean to kill Raven. All it takes for him to stop is ‘it’s not what Raven would have wanted’ and SUDDENLY BOOM it’s like he’s snapped out of his murder daze and is super okay now! There isn’t any time for him to swap sides or even get his perspective. He even blames Charles for what’s happening to Jean and calls her a little girl CONSTANTLY but none of that applies when he wants to kill her?

Storm: Such a major character in the later time line is literally background. They give her this weird ‘I don’t trust Jean’ line at the start but it’s suddenly gone two scenes later and she demands to come along to try and bring her home. She’s another one were it feels like scenes are missing. Conversations were she see’s Jean acting funny and has her doubts but then a few more were she remembers what good friends they are and why it’s important to help each other.

Magneto: Stop I’m mad. We watch this man gain and lose family almost every single movie. First Class he gains the x-men and loses them only to gain the baddies as a start up group...loses them in DOFP horribly then gains the X-men again, loses them in APOC but gains a real family with a wife and daughter but wops lost them then tries to join APOC only to be turned on him and round back to the x-men and is SO CLOSE to gaining a son. Then DP, he has Genosha which is just starting up and getting somewhere...loses that it seems and joins the X-men at the very end again only to piddle off somewhere which zero to do with Peter and eh I guess he didn’t really NEED a family. Not like literally every single second he’s on screen that’s his whole character. Losing and gaining family members. It’s FINE, EVERTHING IS FINE.

I love the X-Men. I also really love the movies. Even the newer ones. A small part of me wants them to be good SO BAD and scrambles to find even a shred of decency in them and I found that with their versions of the characters. They are SO GOOD and engaging even if you love to hate them but the stories they are written in, the shit they do is just SO BAD.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. X-men is only good as a high budget TV series. So much of what makes them good is the slice of life problems they deal with as a family as WELL as the fights they have. Trying to mash so many characters together into a 2 hour movie only works if you make it cheezy AF like the early 2000s movies or if you are able to pull an Avengers and give each hero their own movies (or three) and slowly start to pepper in more and more as you go along. They tried...bless their heart. But now Disney has it and....MAN IDK IM SCARED!

#xmen #x-men

7 notes · View notes