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#but because the circumstances are so strange
nayatarot777 · 2 days
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What Type Of Partner Would Be Compatible With You?
I’m doing this reading in hopes of bringing clarity to a lot of you regarding the type of people who’d truly be good for you in comparison to the people who you may want - because those two types of people may not coincide with each other. Hopefully this reading can either confirm that you know which personality traits/characteristics would complement yours or that it at least brings you clarity to the topic at hand.
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• Pile One •
Your compatible partner would be someone who is quite different to you. This is someone who people would never pair you with, but your differences clearly complement each other. I’m seeing that if you are someone who is lacking in emotional expression or if you are just emotionally suppressed, then your partner will be someone who is very emotionally expressive. Very emotionally giving too, but I don’t think that this will make you feel smothered because I have a feeling that this type of partner would be able to read your energy and see that the love that they give is love that you need shown to you - even if you act like you don’t need it. And if you are someone who is very emotionally expressive, I feel like your partner will be the opposite. They’ll be quite emotionally held back in terms of showing how they feel and expressing how they feel, but you guys who relate to that have the ability to read your partner and the ability to tell what they’re feeling. So therefore, I feel like your partner’s lack of emotional expression won’t bother you as you can feel their love anyway. They are probably the type of person to express their love in practical ways instead of emotional ways, but that won’t bother you since you see the deep love in their acts of service.
I am also seeing that your compatible partner will be someone who’s very in touch with their sexuality. Very sexually appealing,m as well as very beautiful too. I feel like this is a compatible trait with you because I have a feeling that you guys may be sexually suppressed a little bit or you may not see the beauty in yourself. So, the universe in this case would be showing you how beautiful you are through the ability to attract a beautiful partner because I’m seeing that you guys would be a very good looking couple - although a strange match in other peoples eyes. However, I feel like one commonality between you that people would see is how physically attractive the both of you are. I am also seeing this partner highlighting to you the beauty of every phase of life, the good as well as the bad - perceivably. I feel like this partner has a lot of Taurus energy because they seem to be able to see the beauty in dark moments quite easily whereas you might struggle with that. You guys could be quite modest people or dress quite modestly, and if so, your partner is going to be the complete opposite. If you’re the person who is very sexually expressive - whether that’s through the way that you dress or through what you talk about - then your partner will be the one who comes across as more modest.
There is a theme here of someone having a distorted view and I’m seeing that for a lot of you this definitely could be you in regards to your physical appearance and your own beauty. It could also be towards certain circumstances in life and your partner would be someone who is able to see the truth of you or life’s circumstances in order to teach you how to view them in a much clearer way. I’m hearing that this partner would help you to advance your clairvoyant abilities in order to see through the smoke and mirrors and the cloudiness of your perception that you may have in regards to yourself or life in general. This person likes to be quite hidden, but from the shadows is where they observe. So there is Taurus energy as well as Scorpio energy. This person can see through the surface level of people and situations which you may struggle to do at times. That might be what the distorted view is about regarding you. But your partner will help you to see the things that you should see clearly as a way of showing you the realities of people who you may need to stay away from. Because I am seeing that both of you would be very close. They’re very protective over you in a very loving way. I’m hearing that some of you would be attached-to-the-hip with your partner, but it won’t feel smothering because the protective nature isn’t coming from a negative, low-vibrational place. It’s not coming from insecurity or jealousy. It’s just coming from a need to protect you out of love and with the purpose and duty of leading you onto the path of your highest good. So therefore, they will kind of be the person who watches out for any dangerous people or situations on your behalf while also teaching you to do that for yourself.
Significant Numbers: 4, 17, 2, 27, 27 - 2727 is an angel number that you can research for an extra message - 28
Extended reading: What Would Life Be Like With A Compatible Partner?
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• Pile Two •
Your compatible partner is someone who really helps you to get your life in order. Someone who helps you with clearing out the mess and the dirt and the grime - figuratively speaking. This could also be in a literal sense, so for those of you who are quite messy people, I’m seeing that your compatible partner is someone who’s very tidy and orderly. This is someone who is very empowered within themselves and their empowerment leads them to ensure that their life is in order because this empowerment allows them to know that they are the ones in control of their lives. Now, you guys might be people who find yourselves stuck in a victim mindset. You might be someone who is plagued by negative thoughts about yourself or about life in general, but this compatible partner will lead by example and initiate a lot of powerful personal growth within you. This is with the purpose of helping you out of this victim mindset in order for you to realise - just like they have - that you are not a victim to life itself. And that you actually have the ability to be in control of your life if you recognise that and find a way to be. This is someone who would empower you to honour yourself and to honour your self-development by cleaning up behaviours or mindsets or habits that are holding you back.
For some reason, I’m feeling like a lot of people in this pile have dated people (or have simply been attracted to people) who would have done the opposite. Who would have kept you stuck in your own victim mindset and negative patterns of behaviour because of the fact that they were themselves. But your compatible person is someone who is the complete opposite. This person is going to help you to reject the narrative that you’re a victim and that you have no personal power. They are going to cause you to realise that you are actually a very powerful person when you work through the fear and the anxiety and perhaps even your traumas in order to get to the point in which you can listen to your intuition. This compatible partner definitely could be older than you. I feel like there is quite a significant age difference between the both of you so you guys might have more luck with dating people who are older than you. With those who may have more life experience. Those who have learned to overcome the phase that you’re in right now.
Please take that with a grain of salt if you’re underage or just young: do not actively try to date people who are much older than you because most of the time in those cases, there is the element of manipulation towards the naivety of the young person. But if this isn’t someone who is older than you, this is just someone who is more older internally than they are physically. They have a very, very mature mindset. They may think like someone who is years older than them. They have a lot of wisdom that I feel is passed down from the elders in their lives. I’m also seeing that this is someone who is able to handle rejection quite well, and you might be the opposite. You might internalise rejection - whether that’s rejection from people, rejection from workplaces, or rejection from opportunities. It could be rejection from anything, but you guys might not handle rejection very well. And you may internalise it and use that rejection as ‘proof’ that you are not deserving or worthy of whatever it is that you want. But this person is going to change that narrative. Like I said before, they are someone who will reject that narrative that you’re a victim to life because it’s not true. You may be a victim of certain people as most of us are, but that doesn’t mean that the universe and life itself is victimising you. And that’s something that that this compatible partner would want to teach you.
Significant Numbers: 43, 22, 41, 15, 13, 12
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• Pile Three •
Your compatible partner is someone who has been through a lot. They had to drag themselves up out of the mud after being beaten down so much throughout life. To the point that they are someone who would’ve entered a Phoenix rising moment. They would’ve realised their own power and realised that they have the alchemic ability to transmute pain, trauma, and negativity into something that’s gives them comfort and stability and healing. This person would be a master at transforming and the transmutation of negative energy into something beneficial for themselves. I feel like this person could definitely be heavily into occult knowledge or just be heavily connected to the unseen energies and forces in life. They have a very keen understanding of the spirit realm. Of energy and physics. And they know how to manipulate energy in order to get what they want out of their own negative experiences and pain. They’re also someone who is highly connected to the universe and their spirit guides. They pay attention to the messages and the signs that the spirits that they’re connected to like to show to them. This person might do all of these things unconsciously. They might not be the type of person to speak in these terms but ultimately, they are an alchemist. And they know how to transmute energy extremely well. They are spiritually connected to a very high level, even if they wouldn’t put it that way.
This person is someone with very strong boundaries. It’s almost like they cast a circle of boundaries around themself for the sake of self-protection from energies and people and situations that they don’t need to be around. And they have a very keen intuition alongside the understanding of messages from the universe, which helps to keep them safe and protected. This is someone who is well acquainted with the dark and negative energies of life, but they’ve used those types of energies to their advantage. There’s also something about this person‘s eyes. I feel like this type of person is perceived as someone who can see through people and situations, it’s almost like when they’re looking at physical + 3D things and people, they are seeing the undercurrent of energy within those things/people. This person is a bit of a contradiction because I feel like most people who meet them sense all of this hardship and pain and trauma that they’ve had to go through, so their energy is quite heavy - maybe dark to a lot of people - but out of their negative experiences, out of all of the moments of death (literally and figurative), they’ve become some type of earth angel who has the alchemic knowledge to heal themselves as well as others - including you.
If you were in a relationship with them, this person would not be someone who is comfortable with being a victim to life circumstances. Even when they are made a victim. They will convert themselves into a survivor and figure out how to use that victim-hood as a tool to make them the winner in the end. This person does not fucking play about their boundaries 😂. They really don’t. I feel like they are very, very adamant at keeping their boundaries intact because their boundaries are a representation of the power that they have over the energies that they allow into their life. And they’re so used to feeling like they don’t have power from earlier experiences that they don’t play about showing their power and acting on their power for the sake of their own self-protection. This may be your compatible partner because I have a feeling that you guys are exactly like this yourselves. You need someone like this who can protect themselves because you protect your own energy. And when your boundaries are strong, you don’t need someone else who has weak boundaries who will bring destructive energy into both of your lives. When you’re someone who is able to listen to the universe and rise above hardships in life, you don’t need someone next to you who would rather stay in a victim mindset and just let negative energies have their way with them. I feel like this person is your equal. Although you are both rare types of people, they are your equal.
Significant Numbers: 25, 32, 40, 4, 37, 16
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directdogman · 2 days
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hi hound, got a question for ya . kind of related to phone sex. Yippee
anyway, so i feel its kind of established in dialtown that being a phone head is equal to being amab, and being a typewriter head is equal to being afab (based on oliver and karens refusal to date types/phones respectively ofc) so i was wondering - what about people born with neither, like karen? would she be considered a form of intersex by society?
followup - how do like. Genetics work? like are they born with specific heads based on their parents (would karen be more likely to have a printer child, for example)?
Appologies for the long and strange questions, your game is rotting me as we speak
anyway, so i feel its kind of established in dialtown that being a phone head is equal to being amab, and being a typewriter head is equal to being afab (based on oliver and karens refusal to date types/phones respectively ofc)
Kiiind of. It's mainly a cultural thing. Basically, the tradition is to assign heads to babies based on the gender assigned at birth. Because of this, someone with a phone head is widely considered by others to be male, and vice versa for typewriters, and this is why many trans people in-universe switch, in the same way as someone might style their hair or change their wardrobe in ours. However, because the heads are modular (and can be changed), it's best to view this correlation as more of a cultural trend rather than a rigid system that everyone follows without exception, one of which I'll explain in the next part of the answer.
what about people born with neither, like karen? would she be considered a form of intersex by society?
Karen actually HAD a typewriter head before she was given the printer. A little bit of background context here: Callum Crown, the inventor of the phone head, invented his first ever cybernetic augmentations (his revolutionary prosthetic limbs) in order to help other disabled people gain mobility and independence. He wanted to give other people the same opportunities that his technology had given him.
When he moved onto the phone head concept, he never forgot about his initial goal of using technology to help people with disabilities. Karen's typewriter head was actually a developmental adaptation. Basically, it allowed a young averbal Karen to produce images, which assisted her in communication before she could learn to speak (and helped her learn to speak sooner than if she had never gotten the upgrade.) While it's quite a modern solution for a disability that wasn't well understood in Crown's time, it's absolutely in line with his philosophies and it's an application he'd be very enthusiastic about, if he was still fully conscious.
Similarly, there are NPCs in-game who have non-standard heads and aren't trans or non-binary, like Rachel at the Dialtown News Network, who has a teleprompter head! In much the same way Karen's head was switched for utility purposes, the same is true for many people who work certain jobs where these heads come in handy. Therefore, I think it's safer to say that someone's head type more or less correlates with their overall identity, with gender, occupation, or any other relevant circumstances factoring into what kind of head they might have.
There's a few NB NPCs in-game and the cultural way many express that is by having hybrid heads, or heads with elements of both phones + typewriters. Take Curie, the curator of the DT Modern Art museum, who has a typewriter head with a phone dial added to it. Gabby (the store clerk who sells phone parts in Uptown Dialtown) also mentions that this practice is common.
followup - how do like. Genetics work? like are they born with specific heads based on their parents (would karen be more likely to have a printer child, for example)?
Genetics don't factor into it outside of the cultural tendency to give phone/typewriter heads based on the gender of the child. Basically, all babies are born with an adapter, and right after birth, the baby is given their new head. Think about how difficult it would be to give birth to someone with a FULL-SIZED typewriter head! There's more than one reason it's set up the way it is, but that's the most important thing to mention. Hope this helps!
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creepycrawliess · 2 days
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book recs based on your favorite saw character pt 5: mark hoffman
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if hoffman is your favorite character, here are some book recs! before looking into these books pls know that i selected these books for multiple reasons. sometimes they fit the vibe of the character or their personality/circumstances, other times it’s because i think they’d personally enjoy them.. if you don’t have the same opinion that’s okay but pls don’t judge me too harshly or be too disappointed 💯
I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream by Harlan Ellison: A post apocalyptic short story taking place in a world where the last 5 surviving members of the human race are held captive within a super-computer, and are subsequently tortured for all of eternity.
Brother by Ania Ahlborn: Deep in the Appalachian mountains, a boy is desperate to break away from his family and their .. let’s just say .. interesting morals and traditions 😄
In The Miso Soup by Ryu Murakami: The story follows Kenji, a tourist guide in Tokyo, where he takes a very strange man named Frank for three days of service. However, as more and more people in Tokyo start getting murdered, he begins to suspect that Frank knows way more than he’s letting on. (guys the ending of this was so beautiful. i cried! i even tear up a little when i think of it now!!!)
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askblueandviolet · 1 month
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You don't love your daughter...?
She loved you so much and yet you killed her...Maybe she's feeling disappointed in her father now:(
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simcardiac-arrested · 7 months
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#i wouldnt usually care about stuff like this. but every month or so i get two or three asks like this and i just got one earlier today#and look. i’m not saying u can’t hate ns or dislike them. feel free to send me asks that are like ‘ns you are stupid and you suck and i hate#you’ he IS stupid and he DOES suck and he is quite hateable. that’s fine#it’s just when you start sending me wholeass paragraphs explaining every single detail you hate about ns and how they deserve a slow and#painful death that i think two things: 1. you are finite waves reincarnated 2. you are weird! and strange even!#what are you on about! ns absolutely does NOT deserve a slow and painful death! and you absolutely do Not have to be so hostile and#aggressive towards them as a character! like Please relax. we serve bullshit here sir#most anti-ns asks i get are funny and are light hearted because it’s just people messing with ns on purpose or mocking him and making him#mad because he easily gets mad and it’s funny. Like those asks are fine. it’s another deal entirely when you send me this detailed and—#honestly—really mean message. I guess i am not surprised considering how similar ns and pebbles are in terms of personality#(and circumstances somewhat) and we all know how the fandom treats pebbles. even worse than ns. but yeah anyway#they are not an irredeemable unforgivable monster and they do not deserve to die. Hope this helps#to me even calling them a Bad Person is kind of a stretch. let alone the shit some of you are saying about them#we have to get normal about mentally ill and traumatized and autistic characters gang!#crammerposting#i also do not appreciate when people insuniate that ns is stupid for overworking himself and damaging his structure and so on and so forth#yes it is his fault but that didn’t mean he deserved what he had coming to him or anything like that. be nice to him
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dovahkiining · 1 year
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how likely are the jrwi pcs to be sold to one direction. this came to me in a vision. I won't discuss further
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boghags · 7 months
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I've nothing left, I gave you all
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dragon-tidbits · 6 months
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Wait, are you an only child too?? If so, thank goodness. Siblings fascinate me. I'm jealous but also relieved. Looks like sibling dynamics just really depend on circumstances. But I love reading material that play out the Pines relationships in a way that siblings feel is super accurate because they're usually a blend of goofiness, intimacy, annoyances, and love that I just. Ugh, I'm so jealous.
From the outside, it looks like "I'll kill you for a Klondike bar but I would end the world if someone gave you so much as a papercut."
That's the funny thing anon-
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[I have two older (half) brothers.]
We share a mom.
ON TOP OF THAT!! The gap in age from me is 16 and 19 years!
Because of this, coupled with tensions my dad made with them, I grew up more with a single child mentality. The eldest had a family before I was a teen and moved out and the middle almost had nothing to do with me until I was much older (I blame dad for that) but he was nice enough to let me borrow or play his games. Not to say they didn't or don't love me, it was just hard to get close with them. But we get along great now!
As for the brothers themselves, stories our mom told me often revolve around them putting each other in the doctor's office. They get along much better these days.
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they-call-me-hippie · 4 months
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Guess who almost died in a car crash
#It's meeeeee#Ok but no it wasn't that serious just tense for a moment. You end up shaky for sure#Can't help but think about that tweet now like 'I'll be in an accident and open Twitter first thing'#There was a snow mound on the road that was too high and my stepdad drove over it and we started. SWERWING#It went back and forth between the two sides of the road twice and in those moments#I was almost prepared that we would hit the metal banister or topple sideways but we had the best possible outcome for the circumstances#And drifted one more time instead onto the snow-covered patch of a hill on the other side of the road but turned a 180 degrees#When thinking it over we were lucky to get off the road because in any other scenario I think we would have been hit by a car behind us#And end up actually hurt#I thank the snow for giving us the first fully white Christmas in years#But now that I think about I should have gotten a picture (hard to think about when you were almost in a serious accident)#It's strange the kind of acceptance you have over events like this I knew I could do nothing about the situation except shut up#And the strange thing is that it felt like a scene out of a movie. The front shield of the car gives you only a frame to view out from#But you were looking at it from a first-hand perspective yet thinking of it as if from seeing yourself from behind. Just a bit blurred#Just. Either we crash or we make it but be prepared.#I could tell he was shaken afterwards though. He managed to save us at least#And well. Given the familial circumstances it would have almost been ironic. As if a purposefully placed timing#The strangest coincidence was that my stepdad's neighbor just happened to be driving a taxi right behind us#So he stayed with us to help us dig the car out of the snow. And drove us to get more gas after the car ended up askew on the hill#People were at least kind enough to look up on us and ask if we were okay#Anyways. I'm going to bed now
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proto-language · 3 months
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hrngnfghnfg
#just thinking aloud but#i dunno. kind of feel like the last Barrier between me and Normal Personness or whatever#is just. i feel so completely and utterly unable to feel empathy specifically with regards to children and childbearing and childrearing.#like. i have known ever since i was small that my parents lost other pregnancies before me and between me and my sister. and all i could#feel about that as a kid was 'thank god because i never wanted a sibling anyway' and 'uh well i never asked to be born soooo... so what'#and now as an adult. i know that it's a terrible thing to suffer a loss like that.#and i'd at least manage not to act inappropriately towards someone i knew if they were in that position.#but i still can't find any of the *feelings* about it.#which is strange because i usually feel Everything So Much.#i also still don't understand when people talk about like. instantly falling in love with their kid or whatever#like maybe i almost get it if it's a child you've gestated for nine months and then given birth to.#but i feel like people *must* be at least partially lying about it when it comes to things like adoption#because there'd be such a high psychological and social penalty to admitting that you felt anything less.#adoption in general drives me crazy like i cannot Believe that it's still just a really accepted alternative to having a biological child#when... any kid who has had to be removed from the circumstances into which they were born and given to new people#is surely going to be traumatised or have issues or however you want to put it.#and it can't possibly be the Same Thing as having a... fresh baby of your own.#anyway. i feel some sympathy for and plenty of logical understanding of children and parents.#but none of it makes sense to me on the level on which i usually connect with people.#and hell maybe everyone feels that way until they have a kid. in which case i think everyone#is wildly irresponsible for having those kids without knowing they're gonna like it or be good at it and hoping it'll just work out. lmao
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bigfishthemusical · 7 months
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can someone make it so my dear roommate comes back from her parents house cause I need to talk to her about things. She is like the angel and devil on my shoulder and I need to consult her on things and be advised by her but she’s not here 🥺
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beeseverywhen · 8 months
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god the duality between 'I don't want someone in my house' and 'yeah I'd like my own kids and no way I'm doing that alone'
#like ppl who don't want kids should be free to live their lives without ppl being like 'watch out! your biological clock is ticking!'#that's bullshit ppl shouldn't say that. but also. i would like kids and#after so many years trying not to get pregnant and that seeming like a worst case scenario. so desperately wanting to not become my parents#now i am an age where I'd happily have a kid if i were in the right life situation & i don't feel I've got all the time in the world anymore#lol like. the space in between 'too young to have a baby' and 'old enough that i risk more health issues/ will be an older parent'#feels way way narrower than i ever would have assumed lol. esp. because all the parents in my family are so young. the idea of being an#older parent is so strange to me. I'm so aware of the things you can't do when you're older and how it's harder work to run after them#and like my body is already wearing out way faster than anyone elses. my health's only gonna get worse so.#being an older parent just doesn't seem an option. not to mention like. the older i am the less generations I'll get to see.#i want to be a great grandmother damnit. lol.#like I'm on a clock. to get over my commitment issues or it legit won't happen. but yeah. can't think of anything worse than having#to have someone in my house. if i was rich enough to have lots of space that's one thing but. I'm not lol.#and rich ppl rub me up the wrong way whenever they try and chat me up so doubt I'm gonna marry in to money looool#like i have come to terms with the fact that. if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. id rather not get to be a mother than to settle#like that whole 'looking for a partner' dating life is not for me i can't think of anything worse. if it happens it happens#I'll either meet the right person who im willing to give up an empty house for or i won't looool#and it's not like im giving up the whole raising kids thing completely.#like I've got to play a significant hand in raising my siblings even if i didn't ask for that. I've got to see them grow and#help them reach those milestones. and whatever the circumstances I'm blessed to have had them in my life#even if i don't have my own kids I'm always gonna have kids in my life even if I'm an aunt rather than grandmother you know#I'm lucky to be in a family where raising kids is a communal thing. but yeah id love to have my own kids & have someone that looks like me#but I'm not willing to bring someone in to the world in non opportune circumstances deliberately.#like if it's up to me i want them to have 2 parents to look out for them and 2 parents that at least stand a chance of liking each other lol
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theheadlessgroom · 9 months
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https://www.tumblr.com/beatingheart-bride/722340927543328768/theheadlessgroom-beatingheart-bride
@beatingheart-bride
And here, Randall thought he’d have no more tears to shed, but upon hearing this account of the future (strange as it was-they partnered with mortals...to scare other mortals? As part of an attraction of some sort? Boy, wouldn’t that make the Gracey parents madder than wet hens, their ancestral home becoming a tourist attraction someday...) and his abrupt ejection from the house, the loss of contact between the two of them...it hit him hard, and he found his eyes once more welling up with tears.
“Oh, Emily...oh, Emily!” he found himself crying, reaching up to cup her beautiful, perfect face in his bony hands, thumbs gently brushing away her tears (he could not bear to see her cry...even when he himself was!), unable to imagine what torture it must’ve been those last several decades, being apart...never hearing once from him, never knowing where he’d gone, never knowing if she’d ever see him again...he felt a touch of hatred for himself when he heard this, hating to think that he’d let someone drive him away from the woman he loved, and for so long!
But ultimately, that loathing of his future self (a form of self-loathing even he, a master of being hard on himself, didn’t even know was possible) was swept away in a sea of tears, as he once more held Emily close, promising her, “Oh, my heart...you’ll never lose me again, never...I’m not going anywhere, I promise, I promise, I promise...” 
Even when they had to be apart during the daylight hours, pretending as if they didn’t hardly know each other outside of a transaction regarding his work on her veil, she would never feel alone-not if he could help it. He hated to think of those lonely hours she must’ve whiled away in their attic home (how morbid, he thought-leaving in a place so similar to where they’d died!), waiting for him to come back to her...
Well, no more, he told himself silently. You’ll never lose me again, Emily, I promise. I’ll always be there for you, no matter what. Nothing will keep us apart ever again.
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arklay · 1 year
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being a femme enby who doesn't like feminine gendered terms and uses they/them pronouns is very strange
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trashlie · 2 years
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In light of ep 179, we revisit revisit the development of Nol and Shinae’s friendship
Who is ready for another found of Ashlie Being EXTREMELY Ashlie starring me, going through old episodes and digging up things to overanalyze? 179 sheds such fascinating insight on the way Nol approached and befriended people, I HAD to go back through and re-examine both his approach and when and how those friendships began to feel real to him, with an emphasis on Shinae.
I will also shortly be putting together a part two follow up, which I’ll link to here once it’s ready! 
In light of the reveal that Nol never really intended to actually be anyone’s friend - that he was trying to rebalance the good and the bad, to improve someone else’s life since he couldn’t improve his own, that he wanted to do good for someone without committing - I decided to revisit some past scenes that always gave me pause, or that I think are especially interesting to revisit with what we know and how it may have changed from what we used to believe. Like most people, I was operating under the assumption that while yes, Nol seemed to really hate himself, I thought he sought out friends he saw himself in and offered the kind of friendships he wanted in return. I was so sure that he treated Shinae the way he wished people would treat him - and while I’m not discounting that there’s probably still some truth to that - acknowledging the additional layers of his mentality in seeking these half-baked relationships makes reviewing certain scenes really fascinating. 
I’ll have to do a full reread, I think, to determine when exactly I think the friendships became real for Nol. I’m inclined to think it was around the arcade episodes, but I’m not entirely certain. Maybe that’s when it starts to trigger? I feel like something about the introduction of Yui in an episode when Nol is out having fun, seeming to drop the worries that plague him, enjoying the presence of these people he’s collected to help, feels like it’s sending him a reminder: you aren’t allowed to care about these people. And what better time for him to start becoming aware of what they meant to him? 
In fact, by the time Nol and Shinae meet again at the Hirahara office when Rika is finding out how Shinae can apply for a job, I think Nol has an easiness with her that suggests a real friendship is blooming? However, there’s definitely things I’ve questioned about those episodes that stay on my mind: why is Nol so insistent about working with friends, is there any meaning to his dejected expression when Kousuke whisks him off to dinner, and what’s up in the car? 
Here’s the thing: he’s obviously pushing it because it is his karmic duty or whatever to help her in whatever way he can. If a job would make things better for her, he’s going to encourage and support her as her friend (using it in bold to imply that this is his intention as Nol-balancing-the-good-and-bad not Yeonggi being a pal). In fact, he actually literally states “I’d love to work alongside friends“ in bold which is giving me pause in retrospect. Is it just because he didn’t TRULY think of her as a friend yet, that it was all fake? But my other thing is, Nol knows that Shinae isn’t exactly eager for his friendship, so if he’s pushing her to apply because FWIENDSHIP you’d think he wouldn’t use friendship as the enticer because why would she bite at that? Is it something that he’s not aware of? I can’t imagine that’s so. At any rate, he’s clearly egging her on in his quest to help improve her state of being, but boy the way he goes about it is weird. 
Secondly, when Kousuke is dragging Nol out to eat, Nol wears a long expression and seems like he’s glancing back towards her - he actually does turn back and wave goodbye. This is something that makes me wonder if by this point Nol was already growing fond of Shinae as a friend. I mean, obviously he is no mood to go off with Kousuke and sit through dinner with him and listen to him insult him further, but it’s just the way his expression seems to direct towards Shinae that makes me think that maybe, even without him realizing it, Nol is feeling even worse to leave behind a friend and have to go to dinner with Kousuke. 
There’s a lot of other things I continue to question about that entire couple of episodes - like, what’s with the stand off with Nol and Kousuke both take off their coats? I continue to baffle over that one because I know it’s not about Shinae. I also used to question if the little smile Nol wears after Kousuke attempts to eat the burger with his hands was a smile that Kousuke was, for once, trying something very normal, but now days, I’m willing to bet it’s a more perverse pleasure at seeing Kousuke pushed into doing something that made him uncomfortable, a quiet, mean-spirited enjoyment? 
But the other thing that brings me back to that series of episodes is in the car when Nol covers Shinae with his jacket. I’ve ALWAYS contemplated that series of expressions he wears: going from a probably forced Yeonggi smile to the expression dropping a bit and a sweat drop appearing to a genuinely sad expression before he turns to look out the window. I never really was sure what I thought it meant before but now I think we have enough light to glean a little more from it. This is, of course, sheer conjecture, but I have to wonder if it’s a moment of Nol and his Yeonggi persona warring - this acknowledgment that he’s doing these things to “be a nice person” (but a truly nice person doesn’t have that stipulation attached) and maybe even feeling a fondness for her as a friend before remembering that he’s not allowed to feel that, that he’s not supposed to care about any of these people, that it’s dangerous to actually befriend people. I don’t know when Nol would have had to take his tests to apply to Oxford, but I wonder if by that point he already knew his plans, and entangling with anyone knew made him feel guilty? Again, conjecture. 
At any rate, I think it’s around this time that Nol is starting to realize these people are his friends - truly his friends, that it’s becoming real, and maybe is even internalizing that there’s something very wrong with treating people like friends when you don’t intend to keep them as such - and moreso, that he ENJOYS being their friends and wants to maintain that friendship. And Kousuke is very aware of this. I think this is important to note, because though Kousuke does not realize that Nol pretends to maintain these friendships, he does see these little moments that Nol probably thinks are private going unseen, he does see the “effect” Shinae has on him - which I’m using loosely because, again, I think it’s Kousuke interpreting Nol’s behavior differently from what it is. I think it’s also important to highlight for posts to come re: Kousuke and Shinae in regards to Nol, but that’s a post for another day.
By the time Nol is hanging out at the Wac during Shinae’s shift, I think Nol’s in a deeper conflict with his feelings. From what we know now, obviously he feels like he has an obligation to help her, because again, he’s trying to make other peoples’ lives better, he’s trying to rebalance the good and the bad, to do something nice for people. But his sense of obligation - staying the entire shift, ordering more nuggets when he thinks she needs a reprieve from shitty customers, the urging her to follow up on her application - all feel like extra steps. Now, we can also argue that Nol was probably very much like this with Soushi and Dieter. From the way he throws around the word cute and says things like “then I can see you more”, I think Nol pushes his boundaries a lot without thinking about the repercussions, so going above and beyond to help Shinae get a job isn’t out of line. But it’s also possible that going above and beyond is what leads him to truly care about these people, as real friends. 
When Nol tells Shinae “I really am just trying to be a decent friend” there’s no weird emphasis on friends, his eyes are open (though he turns away so we can’t really see his face). This, plus the way he calls to follow up on her application, both make me think that it’s safe to say that by this point, Nol sees Shinae as a real friend, whether or not he’s admitting it to himself yet. It might be why he actually backed off, too; he acknowledged that he was going too far and as a friend that wasn’t okay. I realize this implies that Nol didn’t respect Shinae before their friendship became real for him, but perhaps it’s simply that he grew to respect her even more, because now he realized this friendship went both ways, and he didn’t want to make things worse for her. It went against the very thing he was trying to achieve. 
This is something I wanted to establish because I think by the time of the Kim formal, Nol and Shinae are friends. We know it’s the night that she finally accepts his friendship and feels a bond with him, but I think it’s also the night Nol acknowledges to himself something he’s figured out as truth, that has BEEN true. Somewhere in the span of the arcade to the the Wac, Nol has come to enjoy Shinae’s friendship - not as as person helping her, but as a friend. 
I think we see a marked transition in how Nol treats Shinae the friend at the formal vs how he treated Shinae the person he’s helping prior. Before he was trying to pull her out of her comfort zone, he was trying to lead her to things he thought would benefit her (the job, getting her more comfortable with Dieter, the way he all but pushed his friendship on her), but afterwards, he’s REALLY respectful of the boundary that Shinae drew, like really conscious of it and trying to not cross it. I know that seems like such a minor thing but I think it’s safe to say that at this point Nol is respecting Shinae as a friend. And the whole night he does this. Lines like let me know if I’m pushing your boundaries, I don’t want to push your limits, he remains mindful of Shinae’s comfort and boundary. Everything he does during the formal feels like the act of a concerned friend, a genuine friend. For Shinae, this is especially important, because Nol essentially becomes a lifeline to her during what will turn into her worst night ever. 
Bear with me, this was the entire inspiration for this long post: the dance with Kousuke. 
A theory I enjoyed musing about was that when Nol catches sight of Shinae laughing as he tries to make her relax during the dance, it’s the moment he realizes he likes her/starts to like her/it kickstarts feelings. Quimchee was once asked on curiouscat what Nol is into and her answer was something about a nice smile, so you can see where the theory came from. These days I don’t think Nol was catching feels at the moment - especially now that we know what his state of misery was, now that we know his friends were all meant to repair his karma, now that we know he truly believes his situation can never change or become better. Nol barely allowed himself to admit he cared about friends, I don’t think he has been developing romantic feelings. HOWEVER that’s clearly still an important moment - there would be no reason otherwise to highlight his widened eye, his shock at seeing her react to his efforts with laughter. 
That is the moment, I think, that Nol realizes and admits it to himself: Shinae is a friend and he cares about her and he cares about her happiness. Doing something dumb during a moment that she’s uncomfortable and watching it work, watching it bring her laughter, has an effect on her, and the effect is realizing that he cares about this friend and he’s not just repaying bad with good. He’s being a friend. 
When Shinae goes to talk to him after the dance and he returns her jacket, they have a moment that I have ALWAYS pondered over. “Shinae. We’re friends, right?” Nol asks wearing his fake smile mask. I used to think it was insecurity, because he’d tried so hard to win her friendship but now that we know he wasn’t really trying to BE friends, just faking it, I think it’s easier to read it now as, perhaps, Nol testing the waters. The realization that yeah, they ARE friends. That it’s a reciprocal friendship, that he’s done the unfathomable and once again allowed a person to mean something to him, to become a person he cares about. He’s sounding it out because now he’s realized it is real. 
Which is funny, because that brings me to something else that I’ve always wondered about. When Kousuke is accusing Nol of being a skirt chaser (good lord), Nol delivers the line “What’s it gonna take for people to understand I’m only seeking something platonic. Just because she’s a girl and I’m a dude people assume I want something else” with his eyes closed. I touched on this in another post but the short version is: it’s easy to read this like Nol is lying and that he IS seeking something that isn’t platonic or something like that, because why else are his eyes closed. This isn’t a facade kind of eyes closed. But I think it’s because the lie is that Nol does want something else - he’s not even intentionally seeking friendship, it’s meant to be fake, but he’s out here acting sincerely as a friend, when he wasn’t supposed to get close to anyone. When all he wanted all along WAS something else - to help someone and balance out the good and the bad. 
And instead, he ended up with a genuine friend. 
(I do continue to muse over the moment that Kousuke asks Nol why he didn’t interrupt them and Nol merely looks at him without replying. Is it simply that he can’t believe Kousuke thinks that of him? Is it that he knows an interruption would have been even more embarrassing for Shinae? Is it that Kousuke didn’t even notice that the reason Shinae loosened up had nothing to do with him or her becoming comfortable but because it was Nol? That he did his part without making a scene?) 
Anyway I think that moment of Nol realizing that “oh no I care about Shinae oh no she’s my friend” is especially important to highlight for the rest of what follows. Firstly, when Sangchul pushes Nol’s buttons, it involves Shinae and Alyssa. He’s stopped when Sangchul calls Shinae his bitch and it’s made worse when he brings up Alyssa and suddenly Nol doesn’t hold back. These are his friends and he is responding not as a person helping them but as someone who cares about them and their wellbeing. In fact, Nol has already dealt with two extreme encounters related to this.
One: When Kousuke has the audacity to imply Nol should be with Alyssa instead of concerned about Shinae, Nol enters a deal with him, full well knowing what will come of it.
Two: Nol runs into his father and finally stands up to him, willing to accept his wrath, because finding his friend in danger is far more important. 
Regarding his father, Nol knows very well what his defiance can cost him, but he’s worried enough about Shinae that it’s a risk he’s willing to take. Notably, too, he refers to Shinae as a friend and there’s no implications he’s lying. Not only is his fake friendship real, but it’s worth defying his father. 
(Of course it’s worth noting: Nol already believes that caring about people leads to their harm. He believes that he makes bad things happen, that the good and bad balance is off and bad will continue to follow him. So, it’s safe to assume that as well as acknowledging that he cares about Shinae, he also believes she’s in danger because of him, because he cared about her and now he has to fix this, too. But that also leads to my next point.) 
When Nol tells Kousuke he’ll do whatever he asks of him until the end of the year, he already knows what it will be. Kousuke has already told Nol to limit his interactions with Shinae, is already trying to sever their friendship. Nol is locking himself into a promise that he will use to his benefit, because knowing that a. his friendship is not as fake as he pretended and b. another person he cares about is in danger, I think Nol has already decided to sever the tie himself. Knowing that Kousuke will tell him to stay away from Shinae, Nol makes a deal when all he had to do was walk off and ignore Kousuke. He’s already made up his mind. He’s going to help Shinae and then he’s out of here.
It wasn’t the guilt of dropping her into the pool. 
It was knowing that once again harm befell someone he cared about.
(And likely both cases involve Yui.) 
The fact that not only was Nol unable to help Shinae but it was him who dropped them, he’s the reason Shinae fell into the water and hit her head is obviously a heavy weight of guilt, and it merely proves to himself that he’s correct: that he cannot be friends with Shinae (or anyone else for that matter), that she is yet another in a list of people hurt because of proximity to him. Who was he kidding? Who did he think he is, believing that maybe he could have friends after all? 
And thus begins Nol’s quiet exit, his attempt to extricate himself from the lives of those he’s grown to care about (and his subsequent inability to do so). 
Now I don’t think the balcony scene at the hospital is necessarily changed by the revelations that Nol never sought out Shinae’s friendship for real as much as just gives further weight to moments that already resonate. When Nol talks about how it’s his guilt that brought him back, that it’s his fault she ended in the hospital - it’s not simply about dropping her. It’s his guilt that he got close to her, his guilt that he cared when he knew better, his guilt that (as he believes) he was punished for daring to do what he knew he couldn’t and she was the one harmed, to remind him he can never change his circumstances, he can never have better. 
(It’s funny, how they both carry this sense of guilt. Shinae, too, thinks none of this would have happened if Nol had never taken it upon himself to look after her and take care of her. She feels the weight of being important to someone like a burden, that she’s caused people to worry, that because people care about her they’ve done rash, stupid things. Both of them feel so much guilt!) 
Anyway, i think it’s really worth revisiting that episode fresh off the back of 179. It really brings an added weight to those ambiguous thought bubbles: “I’m pathetic”, “what do you even see in me, I’m just a waste of time”, “I don’t deserve you”, “I’m the bother”, Nol’s arm always reaching for what he never allows himself to grasp. Though their circumstances are different - Shinae feels like she’s failing a friend who has been nothing but good and taking out her emotions on him undservingly; Nol has come to realize how much he cares about Shinae and how he doesn’t deserve her for the way he’s lied and tricked her, for the way he tried to be something he wasn’t so how dare he think he deserves her friendship, he’s just a waste of time - they share this same sentiment towards one and other and I think in light of episode 180 it’s even more poignant. Nol and Shinae don’t know much about each other at all, but this moment at the hospital stitches them together, no matter how hard Nol tries to run away later. The emotional resonance that binds them operates at the same frequency as the other. It’s what brings them back to each other over and over, even when Nol has told himself not to. It’s what makes them so important to each other. 
How can Nol move on from that? That vulnerable moment of Shinae clinging to his coat and crying, something so private and exposing, the way he provides her that moment of reprieve, a safe place to let it out, and his realization that maybe Shinae’s problems are bigger than he’d once thought, not something easily fixed by his saccharine smiles and sweetness. I don’t think it’s until later that he registers just how bad it is, but it might be the beginning of Nol realizing that Shinae suffers more than he realizes, more than she lets anyone in. How is he supposed to walk away from her after they’ve established that connection, this intimate moment of vulnerability that changes the way he sees her? 
I’ll be saving THAT for the next post, though, because there’s a couple moments in particular that I really want to give time to. Nol tries so very hard to make his escape, to slip away, but unfortunately for him it’s not as easy as he expected because not only did Shinae come to embrace his friendship, but their shared experience and now mutual-trauma at the hands of Yui has brought them together, bound by a moment of vulnerability from a girl who tried so hard to fortify her walls. For Shinae, that whole night is a nightmare, half a blur that she can’t remember, a fall she has no recollection of, waking up in a hospital with no recollections of an attempted assault. It leaves her vulnerable and feeling small and the small source of comfort to her through the night was the very person who now feels he is nothing but a danger to her, that he must remove himself from her life if he’s to protect her.
And isn’t that sad? That he cares enough about his friends that he wants to protect them, but foolishly believes the only way he can do that is by leaving them?
This is what leads to my next post: how Nol is so dedicated to his cause, but also so often derailed, and how this factors into the growth and development of his relationship with Shinae. Simply put, the weight of Shinae’s importance is so heavy that not even his own moral compass can keep him on what he believes is the right path. 
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h-paparizou · 1 year
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you just know may madness is slowly approaching as your posts from like a year ago suddenly resurrect from the dead
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