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#but couldn't find my fucking colour pencils y'all
jjkclub · 3 years
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sa-yo-na-ra
pairing - ash x eiji
genre - angst
warnings - violence, blood, major character death.
word count - 1k+
summary : based on an alternate universe where eiji died when he was shot.
(i was listening to yellow - coldplay while writing this so i'd recommend y'all to listen to that too !!)
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さよなら ( • goodbye )
ash gripped his pencil tight as he tried to write the foreign letters on the piece of paper eiji provided him; eiji's smaller hands on his as he guided him to write more easily.
"how do you say this word and what does it mean?" 
ash asked, slightly tilting his head to the left as curiosity sparkled in his eyes to which eiji felt himself drowning in his gorgeous, jade orbs. at the sight of ash snapping his fingers in front of his face, eiji realized that he was day dreaming before quickly shaking his head, trying to get out of his head space to answer ash's question.
"oh, it's 'sa-yo-na-ra'. it means 'goodbye' " he smiled as ash furrowed his eyebrows, trying to pronounce the new word he had just learnt. after a few rough trials, he smiled brightly, 
"sa-yo-na-ra!"
his proud smile made eiji feel warm and giddy inside. it made him want to pull him into his arms tightly, protecting him from the cruel world he lives in and never letting him go. he smiled up at the younger boy, praising him for his almost perfect pronunciation.
he pulled the discarded pencil and paper back towards him to scribble a few words in japanese and its english translation on it as something caught his eye.
"ASH LOOK OUT-"
numb. he felt numb all over. 'what's happening?' eiji thought as the sudden numbness turned into a harsh, piercing pain in his chest as he felt himself falling backwards. 'wh-why… does it hurt so much all of a sudden?'
out of pure instinct, he turned towards ash, his vision turning blurry as he struggled to breathe, squinting his eyes to try and make out ash's face. he brought his hand up to hold his chest, trying to lessen the pain as he felt a sticky liquid all over.
'oh,' he thought, staring at his blood-covered hand as he looked back up at ash. 
"EIJI !! eiji look at me !! you're going to be fine just-"
'huh? what is ash saying?' he tried to focus his eyes on him but he could barely make out the specks of green or the splash of blonde. oh, how he loved that shade of green.
ash felt his hands shake uncontrollably at the sight of eiji bleeding out in front of him. he felt a sharp pang in his chest. 'please… not you too…' he thought as he cried, tears running down his cheeks as he tried to stop the bleeding.
he knew he wouldn't make it. he hated himself for knowing but there was just no way anyone could survive a direct bullet to the heart. ash felt his throat tightening painfully, choking on sobs as his tears fell on eiji's face while he could do nothing. nothing but watch the face of his best friend, no, lover- drain itself of all colour.
 'why, why, WHY?! why would you push me out of the way?! why would you hurt yourself for me?! why would you take that damn bullet for me?!' 
"a..ash…" 
he looked up at eiji's face as he realized he had tucked himself to the crook of his neck, those beautiful green eyes eiji loved, now red from crying. he watched with pained eyes as eiji tried to lift his hand up, cupping ash's face softly as he whispered,
"for you, i'd do this all over again.."
ash pressed eiji's cold hand against his cheek, desperately trying to warm it back up, trying to bring back the shy, smiley boy who was just holding his hands, caring for him in a way no one had ever before.  as eiji's hand started to grow limp, he felt his blood run cold.
eiji… he wasn't breathing anymore.
ash felt his mind blank out, his body moving in auto-pilot as he felt himself getting up on his feet, pulling out the smith & wesson revolver out of the waistband of his jeans as he walked out of the room.
catching sight of the man who shot eiji, who was now trying to run for his life; he lifted his arm up, aimed and pulled the trigger; shooting his lower back as he screamed out in pain, falling face first on the hard, wooden floor. 
his whole world started to blur. 'you… you killed him… the one person who cared.. who gave me hope in this stupid place.. YOU KILLED HIM!'. ash couldn't think straight. all he could see was eiji's soft, innocent face smiling up at him as he shot the immobile man under him mercilessly.
ash's eyes were cold and lifeless, his mind was blank. he didn't care when sing tried to stop him, he didn't care when lao tried to shoot him, he couldn't care about anything anymore. 'why bother? eiji is… he's dead.' 
he found himself walking back to the room where eiji was trying to teach him japanese. he felt his body drop to the floor with a loud thud, his knees landing right beside eiji's now motionless body as he felt his heart being ripped out of his chest.
'he didn't deserve it… it should have been me… why, why would you do that? for someone as unworthy as me?'
sing's heart ached for ash, never having seen the blonde in such a vulnerable situation before as he felt guilty. it was one of his men that killed eiji. he hadn't noticed his own eyes welling up with tears as he stared at ash's heartbreaking state, scared to approach him.
ash reached forward, slightly brushing eiji's hair off his face and cupping it ever so gently to look at him better, another wave of fresh tears crashing over him as he bit his quivering lip. 
'i promised i'd protect you. i'm sorry i couldn't. god, i'm so fucking sorry. i'm just not meant to be happy and i'm so sorry i dragged you into my world. you deserved so much better than- than someone like me..'  ash whispered softly as his voice cracked. 
he regretted everything. he regretted getting close to him, regretted befriending him, regretted finding comfort in him. eiji was dead and he wasn't coming back and it broke him more than anything.
'i didn't even get to say i love you…'
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