#but definitely not responsible enough to be considered an adult by anyone

[gentlebeardsbarngrill]

02/21/2024 Daily OFMD Recap

TLDR; Cast & Crew Sightings; Rhys Darby; Samba BTS; Vico Ortiz; Ruibo Qian; HowToHelp; Petition Embed; Queerties Last Day; IRL Outreach Assets; New Watch Parties; Visual Rep of SaveOFMD Effort; Fan Spotlight; Collages; OurFlagMeansBooze; Articles; Morale; Love Notes; Daily Darby/Tonight's Taika;

Wow everyone, crazy day again. Day 2 of BTS Darbygeddon. I'm actually going to set a google calendar reminder for tomorrow between 1-2 in case Samba decides to drop another doozy on us. Hope you all had a good day. Here's the highlights-- there's more I would have liked to add but I need to get permission first, so I'll hopefully have them up tomorrow. As always, please let me know if I missed anything <3

== Cast & Crew Sightings ==

= Rhys Darby =

Back again with another Cameo is Rhys for our lovely crewmate @Kellykat53 over on twitter! Thank you so much for sharing this with us Kelly, it's a lovely little inspirational video, definitely gives us plenty of Vitamin RD (as @scorpiostarseed would say). Check out the Cameo

= Saint Samba Schutte =

I've seen several people mention that Samba is a Saint (sorry not sure who started it to attribute it) so going forward, that will be his name. SO MANY BTS pictures and videos. My goodness. Has it even been a day since the last Merstede dump? It has, but damn, here we are with the BOYFRIEND video, and the nipple scratching, and oh look it's Buttons from the Cryptid Factor! As always, if you have access to instagram, please check out these posts on Samba and Rhys' posts/stories.

Videos on Tumblr:

Boyfriends - ty @blakbonnet!

Merstede - ty @kiwistede!

English Jacket - ty @kiwistede!

Cursed Jacket - ty @kiwistede!

Steard Nips - ty @kiwistede!

Rhysently Granted Reunion - ty @kiwistede!

= Vico Ortiz =

Vico voiced the new novel "The Diablo's Curse "by New York Times Best Seller Gabe Cole Novoa! I know some of you are huge Vico fans so wanted to mention it, you can purchase the audio book here. Src: Vico's IG

= Ruibo Qian =

Are you in New York? Our Pirate Queen will be at the #TonyKiserTheater NEXT MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26 at 6:30PM for a one night only reading of On The Evolutionary Function of Shame, by D.A. Mindell - For more details visit here.

== How to Help ==

Hey all! We're adding some things to the daily task lists (and taking some off). Here they are!

= Petition Embed Code =

Looking to easily embed the petition link in your AO3 fic, or maybe your email? @sonnetforbonnet was kind enough to provide us with some embeds you can use! Please visit the repo for the codes!

= Last day for Queerties! =

Please remember to vote! Today's the last day!

Best TV Comedy

Best TV Performance

= IRL Outreach Assets =

== New Watch Parties Coming Up! ==

The Pirates! Watch Party! This is a family friendly movie so bring the kids! Or the adults-- or anyone you know, really, as long as it's not against their will! Sunday March 3rd, 3 PM EST, 12 PM PST, 8 PM GMT!

Watch Party Hashtags:

#OurPirateCaptain

#SaveOFMD

#AdoptOurCrew

== Visual Representation of Fandom Efforts to SOFMD ==

Remember our friends that had the in person Matelotage Processional? Well they're back with a funny video illustrating the fandom efforts of Save OFMD!

Fangirlfoto's Instagram Don't have instagram? See the video on the repo here.

＝＝ Fan Spotlight ＝＝

Thank you once again to @wndrngnomad on twitter for all their awesome collages dedicated to the Cast and Crew! Day 21: Calypso's Birthday! Perfectly timed considering the lovely Boyfriend themed BTS we got today! Catch-Up: Day 2: Madeleine Sami!

= Our Flag Means Booze! =

Our absolutely brilliant crew-mate @quiet-compassion over on tumblr has been designing OFMD Themed Drinks since the show was dropped by Max!  These not only have super fun and creative names you'll all recognise, but an amazing array of flavours too! If you're 21+ (in the US) or the appropriate age for drinking in your country, feel free to try them out! As always, please drink responsibly! Are you celebrating with Moonglow Manifesting? Why not try the "Moon Glow" cocktail for the end of the event! Want to see ALL their concoctions? Head on over to the repo, they're all there!

== Articles ==

17 Facts and Easter Eggs about OurFlagMeansDeath That will Get you On Board - 17 Fakten und Easter Eggs zu „Our Flag Means Death“, die dich ins Boot holen - ty @AddieH on twitter

Max: The 34 Absolute Best TV Shows to Watch

==Morale ==

Hey crew. I've been hearing some scuttlebutt around the deck that people are starting to worry again about whether or not s3 is going to happen. The love notes section is already pretty long so I'm not gonna go too crazy up here too -- instead I'm going to just point out that David Jenkins, while not active and posting things for us right now, is sneakily poking around in Samba and Rhys' BTS comments. He's still there, he's still watching, and I think he can tell we're all feeling the high from Samba's releases. Don't give up hope, these things take time. They're gonna get there. I'm gonna add the trends to this section today because I think it's important to see what we did today:

== Love Notes ==

Hey Lovelies. I know I've said it before, but it bares repeating since I know a lot of you are struggling right now.

Just a gentle reminder that if your brain is telling you that there's something wrong with you, or that you've done something wrong or embarrassing -- it's lying to you.

There's been so much dopamine from all the excitement lately with the BTS, that it has to come down at some point, and when it does, your brain will sometimes over-compensate and you start feeling maybe worse than you did before.

This is totally normal, it really is. Our brains are glorious complex pathways of unmeasurable brilliance, and yet a simple hormone change can make that same brain tell us that we're not enough, or we're not worthy.

I am here to remind you, you are so very much enough.

No matter what is happening in your life-- in your job, in your personal relationships, in your family, in your school, anywhere--

YOU ARE ENOUGH, EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE.

If you feel like you've failed, or you've let someone down, just know you are STILL enough. We all fail, it's how we learn.

We pick ourselves back up and we try again, and if we fail again--

We're STILL enough, and we are still worthy of love and comfort.

Eventually you will succeed. You will get there, and all the while while you work on it, YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

I know it's so hard to see when you're feeling small, but I see you all every day, and I am awe-struck at your constant ability to band together and not only find love and support, but give it so freely and lovingly.

A simple @ to someone, alerting them to something they'd like

A love note in dms or on a tumblr post

A gif or picture or video brought to tumblr from some other platform so others can see them.

Writing a fic or drawing a picture.

A reblog with tags, goofy or not

Anon Asks showing people you support how they feel about a given topic

Liking a post.

These are all love notes. No matter how public or private, they're all there and they all add up eventually to form this wonderful community and you've been kicking ass at love.

I know we all look like we're having a good time, but a lot of us are struggling silently, and yet we're finding ways to reach out to one another and spread love to help us all get through. Love isn't always positivity, it can be commiseration, or frustration on behalf of someone. You all are finding the best ways to help your crew, and I'm so very proud of you.

You all are capable, creative, gifted, beautious piles of stardust smooshed together into one wonderfully unique package, and you are so very loved.

You are enough,

You are loved,

and THINGS WILL GET BETTER Lovelies.

Get some rest <3 You got this.

= Daily Darby / Tonight's Taika =

What can I say, I literally can't not include this Rhys gif today. It's physically impossible, please forgive me. Good fucking lord, I'm going to Costa Rica now. Also, sorry I tried to get a matching Taika gif, but I have run out of brain cells. Hopefully this one will suffice.

Rhys - Courtesy of @bizarrelittlemew

Taika - Courtesy of @studiomoon

#ofmd daily recap #ofmd daily recaps #daily ofmd recap #daily ofmd recaps #taika waititi #rhys darby #ofmd #our flag means death #vico ortiz #ruibo qian #save ofmd #saveofmd #save our flag means death #ofmd bts #samba schutte #saint samba schutte

[everythingmp3]

⎯ ୨ 𝐥𝐞𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩୧ ⎯

𝐓𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

after your fathers death, you need to push through the grief very quickly to continue his work as one of the most prominent smugglers around. still, the pain of your situation makes you fall further into unhealthy habits and despair, which nobody notices, nobody except for one of your fathers old friends: Tess. she senses that something is off with you and suddenly becomes a surprisingly strong presence in your life. eventually, your feelings for her push you towards letting your guard down.

warnings: minors dni. mentions of drug use and addiction, grief/death of a loved one, smut (reader receiving)

disclaimer: this one is long. Anna Torv got me good, I couldn’t stop thinking about her in the show. I never played the game, so accuracy was not the goal here, I just wanted to write something for the Tess we see in the show! I put a lot of thought and heart into this, so I really hope I can make some Tess girlies out there happy <3 or anyone else who is in the mood for a longer fic!

wordcount: 13k

It would have been absurd to call anyone during or after the outbreak “lucky”, considering the state of the world, but you knew in your heart that your fate had definitely been of the luckier kind. 

up until the outbreak, you and your father had been living as a duo for as long as you could remember. he had raised you as a single father in a small town where he´d worked as a professor, and your life had mostly been a content and peaceful one. 

you´d been old enough during the day of the outbreak to understand what was happening, but not old enough to remember much of it as an adult, the memories were all hazy, one big blur of panic. all you knew was that you two had left in your car in the middle of the night, never looking back once you were on the road, until you somehow got to be two of the first people inhabiting the Boston QZ. 

the first few years were anything but easy. the “schools” you went to were a joke, the structures in place were authoritative and soul crushing, everyone was traumatized and trying to cope one way or another. it was bleak, a sinister chaos, but at night when you sat around the table together, you couldn´t help but feel a sliver of gratitude, you´d both stayed alive, which was nothing short of a miracle.

for about a year post-outbreak, your father just worked whatever jobs were assigned to him, like everyone else. it was routine work, boring, dull, but it kept you two afloat. still, he got restless, a man who´d been used to hours and hours of mental stimulation and human connection, he couldn´t stay in the shadows by himself like that forever, he was itching for more. 

he had an air that granted him respect, so one day he received a proposal: his first contact to the smuggling business. at first, he was hesitant, but it was too tempting in the end, so he accepted, and it worked, better than he expected. it wasn´t exactly a natural progression, his former job in academia to that one, he saw the irony, but both jobs required people skills and he always told you: 90 percent of that kind of work is mental.

everyone was so lost during those early days, that a competent man like him, a mentor, attracted others, especially younger smugglers, like moths to a flame. his responsibilities quickly became more and more serious, people kept pushing him and a few others around his age to do the important organizing, the work that required more brain, not just intimidation and brute force, so about a year into that lifestyle, he slowly but surely became one of the top dogs in the smuggling business.

he kept his private life and business separate, always. he made sure you were safe at home while he was out, but the one thing he did right from the start, was that he told you everything about what he was doing. he knew it would not help you to stay naive and innocent, not in a world like that. he also knew you were smart and bored out of your mind, so what he did, each night, was that he told you every little detail about everyone he came into contact with, every trick he'd learned, every piece of valuable information. 

he trusted you, and he knew he wouldn´t be around to protect you forever, he wanted you to have valuable insight in your hands once you´d have to fend for yourself. so by the time you were 15, you knew pretty much everyone he worked with by name, their secrets, their ways of working, all of it. what he did not know, was that you also had a good amount of secrets of your own: what you did in your spare time, how you managed all those hours on your own.

as a teenager you´d started seeing various bottles of pills he was holding onto for deals laying around the apartment, and you were slick enough to take a few each time without him noticing. you were dealing with something, call it depression, PTSD, anxiety, or a mix of all three, but regardless of terminology: you were going through it and refused to burden him with it. it was far from ideal but taking sedatives helped, mostly Ambien but you weren´t too picky, they just had to be strong. you kept it in check, nobody noticed, not once. 

then, when you were in your early twenties, he fell ill. it was gradual but the hard life had worn him down, his heart was giving out, and all you could do, was to try to spend the rest of his days by his side, which you did. people were devastated, everyone knew him or of him, so some of them even came by your apartment to say their goodbyes, including one of his closest allies: Tess. 

you knew about all of his business partners, and Tess had been one that he really valued, spoke of very highly, always. you´d seen her around a few times and he´d told you a few stories about her, but she was a woman who kept to herself, so he was discreet, never spilling anything about her personal life.

still, she always stuck out to you among the others. even though you´d never even spoken to her, something about her seemed different to you, you could see why he´d worked with her for over a decade by that point, there was a magnetism to her that got to you. sometimes, you caught glimpses of her from afar, and wondered what it was about her, that always made you think of her for the rest of the day.

the day she came to say her goodbyes to him, you couldn´t help it: you stayed just outside of the room to listen. others had cried, been very sentimental, but she just sat there in silence for a good while with him. you swore you could hear her sniffle, but once she stepped out of the room, after you'd quickly hurried down the hall to not be caught, she looked as strong and composed as ever, giving you a small nod as she walked by, nothing more, but in her expression, you could tell she was signaling something to you, that she felt for you. something in her gaze went straight to your heart. 

as his death approached, you knew you had a choice to make. either, you could take over his business, or you could watch some random person attempt to fill the spot he´d leave vacant. early on, you knew, you´d have to take over. there was no way you´d let some psychotic power hungry tyrant swoop in and pick up all the work he´d leave up for grabs.

it was not a dream of yours to become his successor in that world, but dreams were a luxury few could afford those days, and you knew your fate could have been much worse. the decision meant that you´d have to deal with the impending grief in a way that wouldn´t leave you weak and bedbound, so you made a deal with yourself: one day. once he´d die, you´d give yourself one day to fall apart, to fall as deeply into despair as possible. and then, you´d have to get to work and forget all about it. 

even though a few of them had told him that they´d look out for you, you knew smugglers well enough to not trust their patience, their promises. if you´d stay inside grief stricken for weeks, they´d lose respect, they´d forget about you, someone else would catch their attention. besides, you had no interest in pity, in being handled like some precious little thing at risk of falling apart on her own. so, things played out exactly how you planned.

the day he died, you were inconsolable. it was darkness beyond imagination, loneliness unlike you´d ever felt it, your one guardian, one confidant: gone. the tears left your face swollen red, your body exhausted, so at night, you knocked yourself out really well with an extra high dose, knowing you´d have to step out the next day looking normal, respectable, hard to intimidate. 

at first, there were some nerves, but the second you started talking to people, discussing plans, handling deals, you realized you could almost do all of it on auto-pilot because you´d spent years and years absorbing all of his ideas, his language and mannerisms. you were basically inhabiting his ghost as you started making it known that you were taking over, for good, and nobody seemed to question it, even though you were barely above twenty. something about you gave them the vibe of do not mess with her. 

you were convincing in your new position and it helped that they were glad to cling to you, as a biological extension of his legacy. it worked, people respected you, you made sure his previous connections were properly taken over.

still, you felt absolutely horrible. deep down you were eaten up by grief, you were lonely, exhausted, but you simply couldn´t let it show, ever. your habit with the pills became much worse immediately. you used a pretty high dosage to sleep through entire evenings and nights, then you somehow got up and went out to do what you had to do, and repeated that cycle every day, not leaving yourself even one moment of just sitting around and thinking, because you knew once you´d let yourself do that: you´d break. 

what you didn´t know, was that Tess had told people to report to her how you were doing. 

she knew about you, she knew his death would leave you to your own devices, and at first she was convinced you´d be uninterested in taking over, but once she heard that you were doing it, she was alerted. she thought you´d fall flat on your face. a grieving daughter taking all that on? no way. but soon after, she heard back from people that you were working as if nothing had happened, and it puzzled her, that you were shouldering all of it seemingly without trouble. something in her told her: go have a look at that girl, something seems off there. 

Tess remembered your kind face the day she´d seen your father for the last time, the look of something so fragile, so soft in there, it just did not mix with the things she was hearing about you the weeks after his passing. 

so, about three weeks after he died, she made her way to your apartment, knocking around 8 pm. the second you opened the door, you knew of course who the intimidating looking woman in front of you was, but you just looked at her until she said “hey, could I come in for a second?”, her voice low and admittedly kind of alluring, you nodded, waving her in. 

she was the first person who´d had the guts to just come over unannounced, nobody had bothered to come and check on you, which you were mostly glad about, but you couldn´t deny the fact that it felt nice to have someone there for once. 

she walked into the nearest room, the kitchen, with a confidence as if the apartment was hers. you followed, watching her sit down a chair that she pulled away from the dining table, while you stood across the room, leaning against the wall. she cleared her throat, looking at you, her piercing eyes almost making you nervous then. 

“okay listen. your father might have told you this, but just in case he didn´t: i don´t do bullshit. i don´t like to waste time, not mine, not other people´s, so i´m gonna get straight to the point here, okay?” you stared at her, the way she was resting her hands on her knees, leaning forward to emphasize what she was saying, her eyes unyielding. 

you couldn´t help but feel a sense of admiration, her strength practically radiating off of her, you nodded, “sure go ahead”. 

Tess looked at you with something disbelief, “what the fuck is going on?” she asked, quiet, stern. you were not unaffected by the tone, but you were unsure what precisely she was referring to, “what do you mean?”. she shook her head, “save the coy act with me. you know what I mean. the person you have lived with your whole life dies and then two fucking days later you´re out there taking over his business like nothing ever happened? come on. tell me what´s going on here”. you felt caught for a second but then you realized she was only suspecting, she had nothing in her hands to prove that anything was wrong with you, so you did what you did best: deny it.

“I mean… I see how that could seem a bit strange but what good would it do to just weep and mope around all day? I can´t change what happened. I don´t need to cry all day, I can work, I can function, it´s fine.” you almost believed yourself, you were a good liar, but not good enough to fool Tess, hardly anyone could lie to her without being caught. she could tell that beneath the convincing way of putting it that way, you weren´t telling the truth. it was hard to pinpoint how exactly she could tell, because your voice was no giveaway, neither was your demeanor, but something told her immediately that you were a person who knew how to hide things well, partially because she had the same talent herself. 

“that sounds great on paper, really, but the way your father described you, it just doesn´t make sense, sorry, I don´t buy it.”

you were a little defensive then. “oh yeah, what did he say?” she grinned for a moment, relieved you were at least in a state that allowed you to push back.

 “well, he liked to brag. he often told me how sweet you were, how you remained kind and thoughtful even during the end of the fucking world, with him doing shady business and no mother around to look after you. i recall the word “angel” being used a few times. I don´t see a girl like that being all unaffected and tough mere days after her dad´s death, not without finding some strange ways to cope. so I am concerned.”

you took in the words, almost emotional then, but keeping it together, struck by the word concern. nobody had clocked it, that you weren´t truly doing that great, but here Tess came, unwilling to just take the lie and leave you be. part of you felt relief at being seen for once, by her of all people, the one regularly described as “cold. hardass. not to go to with puppy eyes asking for forgiveness after fucking a job up”. there she was, inquiring about a stranger´s well being. still, you couldn´t get yourself to give her the answer she wanted.

“concerned? you hardly know me” you deflected, and she scoffed then, throwing her hands up, “yeah sure. you´re only the freshly orphaned daughter of a man I knew for about 15 years, why should i give a fuck, right?”. you couldn´t argue with that, realizing that she was also just trying her best to do the right thing. 

“sorry, I didn´t mean it like that. it´s just, i am doing everything right. why do i have to justify that?”. you were defensive because you knew, if you allowed yourself to open up to her, it would end with you in tears, and you weren´t up for it. still, it hurt, to be offered some solace and refuse it. 

she insisted, “yes but that´s exactly what strikes me as odd. now would be the moment to do it all wrong, to be weak, to mess up, yet here you are, walking those damn streets like you´re the new sheriff in town. and hey, i´ll give it to you, you´re doing a good job, but something is off, and i want to understand.”

“I am just doing what has to be done” you said, a defeated tone to it, which she didn´t love hearing. she was losing her patience, “listen to me. you should be taking a break right now. this is about the hardest thing to go through, you should not be pushing yourself the way you are, not right now, not like this”.

you were quiet, looking at her, your eyes not obviously soft but something was in there, she saw a glimpse of vulnerability, but then it escaped her again. you were stubborn, a few more moments of your wordlessness made her realize that you wouldn´t talk. Tess knew she was onto something but you wouldn´t let her in, so she leaned back and exhaled, looking up at the ceiling, her shirt lifting up a little, a glimpse of her skin, it burned in your vision for a split second.

“okay, you don´t wanna talk, that´s fine. but trust me, I know grief and I know denial. I´ve been around long enough to have seen it many times, what repression of all that shit can do to someone. so, I guess, this is my way of saying: be careful. and I might not be the one for big speeches or touchy feely shit, but I do care. so, keep that in mind if you ever need… well, help.” she got up then, straightening out her clothes, running her hands through her long slightly gray hair, looking a little worn out from the day, but still, extremely striking. she was a sight that stirred something deep inside of you, you couldn´t deny it, even while being confronted by her, you couldn´t stop feel a pull in her direction. 

she walked towards the door but stopped for a moment when she was close to where you were standing, looking at you for second, a hint of a smile:

“well, i´ll give it to him, he raised no fool, that´s for sure”, you cracked a small smile too then, not rewarding her with a lot of words though, “thanks, Tess. I´ll keep all that in mind”, that was the first time you ever used her name to address her and it hit a nerve in her, like a wave of electricity running through her at the sound, but she didn´t let it show, instead she briefly patted your shoulder, saying “take care”, and left.

the second she was out on the street again, Tess realized that it was a good idea for her to leave your apartment, because the idea of you being all on your own there, spending entire nights in that dark, empty place, did not leave her cold, at all, and she had no interest in growing too emotionally involved. there was something about you that she had not expected and it was messing with her, it was making her mind spin.

whenever your dad had talked about you, she had pictured someone more like a teenager, but you were anything but that. you were a grown woman, young but clearly marked by the tough life you´d lived, someone she couldn´t just crack with one stern look. you had an air of nonchalance that was hard won; she knew you´d paid a prize to keep up a facade like that. 

a pretty facade, she had to admit, you were undeniably beautiful. Tess was not one for crushes, but she knew an attractive woman when she saw one. you did not dress much differently than the other women she knew, but still, you were so different, your face had a distinct look that got to her: your eyes, your expression, the way you´d looked at her, it all stuck with her, that image of you, sitting there at the kitchen table, backlit by the setting sun: burned into her mind. 

she knew there was no way around it, she´d keep thinking of you, wondering what you were actually thinking, feeling, what you did during those hours at night all on your own, how you managed to work the way you did, what you were hiding, how you managed your grief, whether you cried or not, what you were afraid of, what you did to seem as unafraid as you did. 

most of her days were spent talking to people she didn´t care about one bit, often even actively resented, so sensing the potential of actually caring about a person, and even better, being challenged by their cleverness, it made it impossible for her not to wonder how she might find an excuse to talk to you again. Tess was not heartless, she might have been perceived that way, but she knew, deep down, that it was only a matter of time until she´d give up the i don´t give a fuck attitude for someone who needed her to. and something was telling her, you might be that person.

as she left your apartment, a voice inside her was telling her: 

keep an eye on that girl. she might need someone one of these days, and the others don´t see it.

it was also telling her:

don´t you dare fall for your dead friend´s daughter.

the weeks leading up to that night, you´d done your best to remain numb, nothing had really gotten to you, you´d kept yourself busy or knocked out, but then, one brief visit from Tess and you were shaken up, moved, affected. within ten minutes she´d managed to reach some part of you that you´d kept shut off. something about her presence was both comforting and thrilling. you´d had crushes before, but it was different with her, the word almost too mild and cute to describe the visceral nature of it. once she left your apartment you just sat in your kitchen for about half an hour, quiet, thinking, unable to process what you were feeling. 

that night you dreamed for the first time in ages. you couldn´t recall the details the next morning, but you knew it was about her, and your body was warm in your bed even though the apartment was freezing cold. 

you knew you couldn´t just go to her without a reason, you had too much pride to just admit to her that you wanted more of her company, so you tried to ignore it, but the following week you thought of Tess a lot, so much so that you found yourself perking up whenever anyone around you mentioned her. then, one day, someone came up to you as you were busy dealing with something and told you she´d asked for you, for you to come to her the next morning, something about a job she was involved in. 

you wondered why she would ask for you specifically, but regardless of her reasoning, you were just excited to be able to see her again without even having to initiate it. so, the next morning you made your way to the address you´d been given. you knew your way around, you knew that it was the bottom floor of this abandoned warehouse that people in your line of work often used to meet discretely. 

the second you stepped inside, you saw two women you recognized, two guys, and Tess, sitting around a make shift table out of boxes, various maps and papers spread out over it. Tess locked eyes with you immediately and got up, waving you over to step aside with her for a moment, knowing you´d probably have questions. 

she looked at you, a smile, “thanks for coming” you nodded, “sure no problem. so, what is this?” you asked, crossing your arms, she realized she owed you an explanation, “well. there´s something rather big we have to plan. and what I´ve been hearing from people tells me that you´re one of the brighter ones around”, a grin as she said this, “so, I thought why not ask you to join? couldn´t hurt to have your input”. you were listening, eyes on her face, and something told you that she wasn´t telling the whole truth. 

part of you felt like she might be testing you, wanting to see if everyone was just cutting you some slack and exaggerating your skillset, but you were up for it, “sure, I´ll do what I can”. “alright then” she pulled you by the arm, the brief touch making you feel more than you hoped it would, but even a small squeeze from her hand did something to you. you tried to forget about it as you sat down next to her.

they quickly filled you in. getting people across city limits was nothing new, but it was gonna be about 5 people, which was a lot. the plan needed to be perfect, you needed to make sure that it was all ideal; the time of day, the routes they would take, possible quick escape routes too if trouble came their way, calculating possible run ins with law enforcement, mapping out where they usually stood guard, every detail had to be considered. 

you let the others do most of the talking, only chiming in when you had a correction to make, a better suggestion, or needed to explain why certain things wouldn´t work. you observed most of the time, but the few remarks you made were precise and helpful, you could tell they were glad to have you around, even Tess, who was not easily impressed, nodded in approval multiple times when you said something. at times you could feel her looking at you from the side, even when you weren´t talking and you wondered why; was she concerned? curious? or, maybe, just maybe, did she also find you intriguing?

similarly you also found yourself staring at her kind of in awe whenever she talked, resting your face on your hand, just looking, her voice almost soothing you to a point of spacing out. you tried your best to listen to the words being said, but it wasn´t easy, with her sitting so close to you, her body somehow waking yours up after weeks up feeling dead. 

before you knew it, you´d spent almost the entire day just sitting there, talking, planning, at times stepping away to drink something or stretch your limbs. by the time it got dark, you were done. as the others stood around talking for a while, you already stepped out, catching some air, leaning against the wall of the house, clearing your head for a moment before going home. after a few minutes, you saw the others leaving, waving goodbye, Tess following shortly after, making her way over to you, taking up the empty space next to you. 

at first neither of you talked, both just staring ahead, tired from the day, but then she spoke up, “you were good today”, her voice lower and raspier than at the beginning of the day, getting under skin. you knew that counted as high praise from her, so you smiled, looking at her, “thanks. I guess I passed your test then, huh?” she stared at you, her eyes giving away that you´d caught her off guard with that, it amused you, so you went on “it´s fine, I get it, I wasn´t counting on any nepotism treatment”, she raised her eyebrows then, “smart AND funny, huh?” laced with obvious irony. you shook your head, looking back at the street, she smiled to herself, realizing more and more that she shouldn´t underestimate you, since you kept surprising her, but it was a challenge she was eager to accept: figuring you out. 

“well, I know for a fact he couldn´t have taught you all that. I know enough smart guys whose kids can barely count to five so… it´s definitely not just a family thing”, you appreciated that, she continued, staring up at the sky, leaning her head back against the wall, “to be honest it´s kind of eerie at times, you at your age, talking like that” she admitted, you turned to her then, facing her more directly, “yeah? how so?”, she shrugged, breathing out, “I don´t know. I guess you´re so young, but already so..” you completed the sentence “jaded?”, she laughed then, the sound of it getting to you, “no, no, that´s not what I mean. it´s just, you should be.. more carefree I guess. as much as I hate dealing with stupid mistakes by youngsters, it does feel odd that you´re so fucking composed already”. 

you considered it, you could tell there was genuine sympathy in there and she wasn´t wrong either, it was pretty clear you weren´t exactly out there being young and wild, “well, I guess spending most of my time only talking to and living with a middle aged man did that”.

she nodded, an understanding smile, “right. well, maybe it's time to change that sweetheart, huh?” you couldn´t tell if she was being genuine or fucking with you, you looked her, squinting your eyes, “you know I can´t exactly get in trouble, Tess. not even a little”.

she knew what you meant, “fun” for younger people those days mostly meant breaking into empty buildings, drinking or getting high there, attempting parties, but with your lifestyle, you knew run-ins with FEDRA were to be avoided at all costs, so nothing like that was on the table for you. besides, it wasn´t exactly your idea of fun, you´d rather find someone to spend time with one on one, but you weren´t gonna tell her all that, not in that moment. 

she nodded, “yeah i know. still, there´s gotta be some way for you to have fun, hm?” it sounded slightly suggestive the way she said it, “sure, i´ll find a way, one day”, you kept it vague too, and she left it at that, since she saw that you were shivering from the cold, “come on, let´s go, you´re also headed down there, right?” pointing down the street you both had to take home, “yeah i am”. you followed her, walking close but not too close, wishing you could link arms, warm yourself up against her. for a second Tess almost offered you her jacket, but she realized how romantic that would´ve seemed, and let it go.

you were rarely scared, not even at night, but it did feel nice for a change, to have someone as intimidating and capable as her next to you, it felt good. she looked ahead, seemingly lost in thought, but she could tell you were looking at her from the side, and she almost felt frustrated by how nervous it made her. nothing made her blood rush anymore those days, not fear, not excitement, nothing; she was hardened, so feeling like she might actually flush from feeling you look at her almost irritated her for a moment, something so simple breaking her open, but she liked it, deep down she did.

you walked in silence for about a minute, and it was ironic that you had thought about feeling safe next to her, because out of nowhere a loud bang startled both of you. you stopped in your tracks, your minds racing: was it a gunshot? an explosion? a car crashing into something? it was too far to tell, but close enough to be alarmed. five seconds passed of you two standing there frozen, listening, before gunfire opened nearby. you could hear what sounded like a pretty large group of FEDRA assholes quickly stomping down the street, and within one second Tess had her own gun in her hand, yanking your arm with the other one, instructing with urgency “run!”, not letting go, pulling you down the street. from the look of it she had her eyes on some escape route and she did. 

in that moment it became crystal clear that she had years and years of experience on you, while you were still thinking she had only needed a split second to do the right thing, to think of a way out. by the sound of it they were coming dangerously close, you could hear screaming, shots being fired, the darkness ruptured by car lights, you had very little distance between you and them, and Tess made you run faster than you´d run in ages, never letting go of your hand. she pulled you into a small alley, letting go once you reached a few metal trash cans that she immediately kicked to the side, revealing a small door that lead into the backside of the tall building it belonged to, ripping it open and pushing you inside, before following and banging the door shut behind you.

you were out of breath, trying to think. the room smelled ancient, damp and was completely dark, there was no way of seeing, but you could hear her breathing and cursing under her breath next to you. “jesus fucking christ” you said, “crack-downs usually only happen during the day what is their fucking problem??”. you were pissed, your lungs were stinging. “yeah, get used to it, lately it´s been all the fucking time” by the sound of it she was still hunched over and very out of breath, you couldn´t help but laugh then, “I take it running isn´t one of your hobbies, huh?”. 

she couldn´t see, so she just guessed where you were standing and slapped in that direction, making contact with your stomach for a second, “just you wait til you´re old, see how funny this is then”. you were grinning, “old? Tess, you´re barely over 40”, she shook her head, calming down, resting against the wall then, “how about you quit the comedy and say: thank you Tess for saving me. I´m so grateful you weren´t a deer in headlights like me and dragged my ass to safety”. you mirrored her actions then, you arm hitting hers in the dark, “fuck off, you were just quick as hell”, she took it as a compliment, secretly enjoying the more familiar vibe that was suddenly in the air, “yeah I was, lucky for you”. 

“so, what is this place?” you asked, “little thing I discovered back in the day. as you know this area isn´t exactly the greatest, they love targeting us here so yeah, saved my ass a few times, but it´s been a while”, “cozy.” you said, flatly, “hey, if you wanna go back out there and get your head blown off instead, be my guest” she snapped back, it was funny to you, how easy it was to rile her up.

“I think about an hour and we´ll be fine to leave. things usually die down within that time frame”, “an hour??” you exclaimed, clearly not happy. “yes, an hour. don´t act like you have anywhere else to be, I know you don´t”, “wow okay, rub it in, go ahead”, she smiled then, perhaps she´d exaggerated a little, maybe half an hour would have been fine, maybe she´d subconsciously bought herself more time with you.

“we don´t have to stand here by the way, there´s a ladder somewhere that leads to a hallway and room, go on feel around, it can´t be far”, you started searching for it in the dark, hands reaching into empty space until something would show up, “so I´ll just climb up in total darkness and crack my head open if I miss a step and fall?”, she shook her head “alright, drama queen. if anything I´ll crack my head, you´re going ahead of me, so worst case you´ll fall back onto me”, you smiled then, safe to do so because she couldn´t see, “still, not great”. you found it, “here, come”. you could feel her close behind you while stepping onto the ladder, a few steps up, you could feel her following, her hands on your back then, sending a shiver down your spine that you hoped she didn´t feel.

“go on, i got it” she reassured. it wasn´t far up, a few moments later you could feel a floor, your palms flat against it, pulling yourself up, letting out an audible groan as you tried to get up on your feet from that position, she laughed, “and you of all people had the audacity to make fun of my fitness”, “shut up” you whispered, as you could feel her standing up behind you, reaching for you to make sure you were both far away enough from the ledge, her fingers making your skin feel warmer.

“there´s a lightswitch somewhere here, wait” she slapped the stone wall in random places until a tiny lightbulb above you flickered on, your eyes adjusting for a second. once you could see again, you both realized you´d been holding onto each other´s arms pretty tightly and let go at the same time, seeing each other´s faces, a little flushed, and for a moment you just stared at each other, collecting yourselves, before she looked around, pointing down the small corridor, “come”. you followed, watching her adjust her shirt, her usual half up half down hairstyle somehow even better after it had come undone a little, you tried to snap out of it, but her physicality was drawing all of your attention in.

she pushed the door open, there was some resistance from the old wood but it was no struggle for her; Tess was strong, you knew that of course but actually seeing it like that was something you could get used to. the room was barely bigger than a broom closet but you could both sit on the floor. she slid down the wall, motioning for you to follow. you sat across from each other, knees almost touching.

“oh fuck” she grabbed your hand, you had no idea what was going on until you looked down: your knuckles were bleeding. you´d scraped them but couldn´t even remember how or where, which she took note of, the fact that your body seemed to be so numb that you didn´t even register an injury. “oh..” you said, unfazed, “hold on” Tess said, and before you could stop her she took the hem of her shirt in her hands and pretty violently ripped a part of it off, telling you to hold out your hand before quickly tying the soft fabric around, over your knuckles, the blood getting soaked up by it, “there you go”. you shook your head, “that really wasn´t necessary Tess, you fucked up your shirt for me”, she waved it off, “oh who cares, we can´t have open wounds here”. you looked down at where she´d bandaged you, a sting in your heart: how long had it been since someone had shown you care like that? 

you put your head in your hands then, a sudden throbbing headache. you were usually already asleep in a drug induced haze at that hour and you knew your body was eager to shut down, but you forced yourself awake, rubbing your temples, sitting upright again.

she was observing you, quietly, just looking, “you okay there?”, “yeah yeah, just… long day, that´s all”, she nodded, slowly “right. you wanna stop lying to me any time soon, or no?”.

you met her gaze then, she held it, refusing to let it go, you shrugged “I don´t know what you want me to say, Tess”, whatever she was doing was working, you were not in a position to lie with her that close to you, that attentive, picking up on every little mannerism. 

“how about you start by telling me how you´re actually doing. what you´re doing to cope. because i know it´s not fucking meditation or journaling”, a tired smile from you then, you briefly broke eye contact, thinking about how to put it, before looking back at her.

“I think the answer is so obvious that it flew over your head”, she was confused then, “how so?”, you cocked your head, “come on, Tess. in our business? what does literally everyone do to cope?”. her eyes went wide then, she shook her head, “no. I can tell you´re not on drugs, I know the look”.

“well, i don´t do it during the day…” she looked alarmed, “what the fuck are you telling me?” you felt vulnerable then, having actually put it out there. you were looking at her with pleading eyes, not wanting to say it word for word, hoping she´d catch on. she was louder then, “jesus fucking christ, what kind of drugs?” your voice was quiet, a little defensive, “well, I don´t drink and I don´t smoke. so you do the math.” 

she pressed her hands together, looking at the floor for a moment, she seemed angry, “you´re hooked on pills, that's what you´re saying?”, you shrugged, “I don´t know if hooked is the word I´d use-” she interrupted, her tone hard, unforgiving “that´s exactly what someone who is hooked would say”, you threw your hands up, defeated, “right okay”. 

she tried to calm down a little, “how much?”, you debated lying, but it was clear you were past that, there was no point, so you told her the average amount you took, and the shock on her face didn´t feel great. “are you fucking with me? that could knock out a horse!”, her voice echoed through the empty hall, a moment of silence after, you didn´t feel shame but something related to it, seeing her react that strongly mirrored back to you how serious your situation was. she shook her head for a while, processing, her hand on your knee then, firm as she spoke, “you´re gonna have to stop that. and I mean it. that shit could easily kill you if you don´t”. you didn´t have it in you to fight then, you just looked at her, no words were coming, “oh, so that´s fine with you, yeah?”, you got angry too then.

“hey I didn´t choose this fucking life okay? I did what I could to not go insane, and considering all the nut-jobs i´ve had to deal with, I´d say i´m not doing that bad of a job”, Tess realized then that it wouldn´t help to be accusatory, she let up a little, feeling sympathy for you as she watched you nervously fidget with your clothes.

“he had no clue, did he?” she asked, quietly, you shook your head “no, thank god. he had enough to worry about” she eyed you, something like respect mixed into the obvious concern, “you really know how to keep a secret, don´t you?” she knew it must´ve been years of that habit for it to sound as casual as it did, coming out of your mouth, and it mostly pained her to think of you as a teenager doing all that, but somehow it also impressed her: the fact that nobody ever caught on. 

you didn´t smile then, but your expression became lighter, “yeah, you´re actually the only one who knows now”, that surprised her, touched her a little even, realizing that it must´ve been pretty vulnerable of you to tell her. “really?”, you nodded, “hm yeah. guess you should feel good about yourself, your intuition is still in-tact”, she almost laughed then, “right, that´s a huge consolation, that I was right about you having some fucked up secret”.

you looked at her with clear affection then, your walls had come down and she saw it, returning the look, glad she´d actually gotten somewhere with you. “well, I might have to drag you out at night, to stop all that”, you shook your head “that would not be pretty, I´d be a mess, you´d hate it”, “oh, I´d manage” she said, sounding convinced of it.

you smiled, “thank you, but no”. she got it, you were grown and had to deal with it on your own, still, she hated the idea of leaving you to your own devices. her soft spot for you had only grown softer all day; sitting next to you for hours, listening to your thoughts, your voice, the feeling of your hand as you both ran off, the feeling of you so close in that room, being trusted with something you hadn´t told anyone before. Tess was in deep, and she knew it, she tried hard to let it go, but it was a losing battle. seeing you there, your face half-lit by the weak lightbulb, your knees pulled to your chest, your eyes, tired but beautiful, it gave her the urge to reach out and touch you, make you feel better, but she kept it in, sat there stone-faced, mostly, but you saw something, it was there, her demeanor had shifted. 

for few minutes you just sat there in silence, both lost in thought, resting against the walls, eyes closed. she realized that it might be a good idea to repay you for your honesty, to not let you sit alone in the uncomfortable feeling of having shared something personal, so she spoke up, “listen. I don´t usually talk about this stuff because it´s been ages and I don´t want pity or consolation, but I lost everyone I cared about during the outbreak, truly all of them, and for a good while I thought I´d never survive it. but, here I am. and I am not saying that it´s been easy, not at all, but I did survive it, so. keep that in mind when you feel like it´s all too much.” 

you took in the words. it was rare, for her to speak of her past, you sensed that she might actually be trying to get closer to you, to bond, “I´m really sorry, that must´ve been awful. it probably still is. but you´re stronger than me, Tess, I can´t compare myself to you”. 

she shook her head “no, I´ve just had time to polish the facade, trust me. you should´ve seen me about a decade ago, I was going through it, it was ugly”, you looked at her then, realizing that beneath her tough aura that seemed so effortless, so natural, there was also a lot of pain, a lot of hurt she´d pushed through, sensitivity she kept to herself. 

it felt good, to share the feeling of being softer on the inside than either of you let on. you absentmindedly rested your head on her leg, your body clearly tired from the day, more prone to random acts of affection like that without thinking twice, you didn´t care in that moment, she didn´t either, patting your hand with hers a little, resting it there for a second. 

“you´ll be fine” she declared, you locked eyes with her, “I´ll try”, her hand squeezing yours reassuringly. “trust me, I´ve seen lost causes, that´s not you”, you looked at her then, “yeah, what am I then?”, she smiled, “a salvageable cause” you laughed then, “I´ll take that”.

she was glad to see you loosening up again. it was soothing, the dark confined space, the quiet, the vibe that had settled between you and her, it felt like you were hidden from the world, like you´d been offered a brief moment of peace, without thinking you rested your head on your knees, closing your eyes for a second, Tess watched you, feeling protective over you, her hand resting on your leg that was propped up in her direction. after a while you felt her nudging you.

“I think we should be fine to go now” she said, and you tried to mask the disappointment, wishing you could stay there with her longer, which was a feeling you weren´t alone in. 

she stood first and pulled you up, again, no struggle for her, her hand´s grip on yours too brief, you wished she´d have kept holding it like that. as you both stood there, face to face, a little raw from the personal discussion, something passed between you; the air was charged, both of you felt it, searching the other person´s eyes, your bodies barely an inch apart, but before it could lead anywhere, you both got scared of doing something you´d regret and looked away, acting casual,  or at least trying to. you made your way down to the door, she tentatively opened it, not all the way, gauging the situation outside first, but it was all quiet, so she waved you out.

it was pitch black by then, freezing, a clear night, the full moon illuminating the streets. somehow there was a shared agreement between you and Tess, that what you´d said in that little room would stay in there, almost like a confession booth; the moment you were walking down the street, you were both your usual tough selves again. 

the walk home was wordless, your house was the first you reached, and at first you just stood there, almost shy, both unsure how to say goodnight after spending the entire day together, both thinking things you wouldn´t say.

Tess broke the silence first, “so. I know you´re about as bad as me at accepting help, but I´ll say it one more time: I am here if there´s ever anything I can do for you. and maybe pick up smoking instead of.. you know” a genuine laugh from you then, “okay, good idea. and thank you. for-” you gestured around between you and her, trying to convey gratitude without specifying what exactly for, she got it, “don´t mention it, you´re by far not the worst person to be trapped in a room with” she said with a smug grin, before giving your shoulder a brief squeeze and saying goodnight. as she walked off your gaze fell down to your bandaged knuckles, and something in you told you she wouldn´t have done that for just anyone. at least you hoped so.

that night you didn´t consciously skip the drugs, her asking you to quit was not enough to kill that instinct; you simply forgot. the next morning you couldn´t even remember how you´d undressed, showered, and gotten into bed, you´d been so lost in your thoughts about Tess, that you´d somehow fallen asleep before you could reach for any self-medication. 

you couldn´t help but see the irony, that she´d berated you for the habit and without knowing it actually succeeded in getting you to stop that day, not with her words, but with the deep attraction you felt to her, the way it took over your whole mind and body, no space left for worrying about anything other than when you´d see her again. 

the next few days, nothing much changed. a whole week went by, then another, and nothing in particular was worse than the weeks before, but that was the issue; it was an endless cycle of living the same day. you felt like you were trapped doing the exact same things over and over, nothing to look forward to, nobody to talk to other than people you were involved with for work, it was just sleep and business and suppression of anything unpleasant you were feeling, every day, no moments of peace or laughter or joy, no light at the end of the tunnel. 

one night about a month after you´d last seen Tess, except for a brief nod from across the street a few times, you couldn´t take it anymore. it was late, you were alone in your apartment and the silence was killing you, the loneliness, the same routine, all of it. you had to move and get up, so you stepped outside at 11 pm, knowing there was only one person you could go to. 

you were counting on Tess still being awake at that hour. once you reached her apartment door you were nervous, the second you knocked you felt adrenaline rushing, because you realized you hadn´t even bothered to make up a lie as to why you were there. she opened the door and looked at you with a smile that said and who do we have here?.

the moment Tess laid eyes on you, she could tell you weren´t doing any better than the last time she´d seen you. the light in your eyes had dimmed even more, so she saved the jokes and the teasing, she didn´t demand an explanation, “come in”, relief washed over you as you stepped inside. you followed her down the dark hallway to the living room that was connected to an open kitchen, you took in the room and unsurprisingly it did not give much away about her; decorations were sparse, no posters on the wall, no sentimental photos, but a few candles were burning and the room seemed like a peaceful space.

“sorry, I know it´s late”, you said, slightly self-conscious, aware it might seem odd to just turn up like that, but she turned to look at you as she walked over the the kitchen, clearly unbothered, “oh no, don´t worry, I never sleep before midnight anyway”. it almost felt more humiliating, to be treated with kindness, somehow you didn´t feel deserving of it. 

she saw you standing in the middle of the room, a little timid, so she gestured over to the couch emphatically, “sit.” it sounded more like an order than an invitation, which you liked, her brand of care that always had a subtle touch of dominance to it. 

as you sat down, trying to position your body in a way that would look natural, she came over, bending down to hand you a glass of water, “here, drink”, her voice warm and strong.

she didn´t sit down next to you on the couch, but on the armchair next to it, you almost told her to come and join you but you knew how that would have sounded, so you drank up, set the glass down and faced her. 

she had crossed her legs and was leaning her head on her hand by then, watching you, her hardened face somehow much softer in the candlelight, her eyes shimmering, her hair falling down her face in loose waves, the sight making all your unexpressed feelings for her bubble up. you tried not to just stare at her as she spoke up, “so. couldn´t sleep?”.

you shook your head, leaning back a little, exhaling shakily, looking over at her, “no. not at all”. “hmm” she waited a moment before asking “wanna tell me why?”. you knew you hadn´t come over to lie, so you nodded, “yeah. well, I stopped taking anything like three weeks ago”, she leaned forward then, “that´s good, I´m glad. did anything prompt that, or did you just stop because you wanted to?”. 

she was onto something, and you felt the need to share it, “no, there was a moment. it was pretty dumb actually, one day I just fell, or collapsed I should say, out of nowhere. I know all the side effects but that one had never happened before, and I landed pretty fucking hard”. you were a little shy as you pulled up your shirt to reveal the left side of your ribs, the bruises were faded because it had been a few weeks but the outline was still very much there, faint yellow and green, the way bruises look towards the end of the healing process, the impact had spanned over multiple of your ribs. 

Tess flinched for a second when she saw your skin, a mix of attraction and pain, “jesus…” she whispered, trying to suppress the urge walk over and see it up close, “I´m so sorry, that must´ve hurt like hell”, you nodded, letting your shirt down again, a little embarrassed by the story. she was clearly affected by it, her eyes giving it away, “and let me guess, you didn´t ask for help or stay in bed, did you?”, you just looked at her, wordlessly signaling that she was right of course. 

she changed the way she was sitting then, relaxing her posture again, shaking her head a little, “what are we gonna do with you, hm?” a faint smile, eyeing you the way you eye someone who just fucked something up, but in a way that somehow makes you feel even more softly towards them. 

you continued, nervously running your hand up and down your thigh, “Tess, it´s been awful. really, I can´t sleep anymore. I am awake all the fucking time, it´s horrible.”,

your voice tinged with a sense of hopelessness that alarmed her, she tried to frame it positively for you, “well, then it´s impressive I´d say, that you pushed through for a few weeks already. despite all that”. you considered it “right, yeah I guess. but I feel no better than before. I don´t know Tess, I´m -” your gaze was cast to the floor, you were clearly struggling to find the right words, she encouraged you, “what is it? tell me”, you looked back at her again, “it´s just… is this all there is?” you vaguely gestured around, she cocked her head, “you´ll have to be a little more specific than that, sweetheart”. 

“I mean this life we´re living. of course I wasn´t naive when I was younger, it was obvious I wouldn´t get to live a dream, still, I did have hope for something. but now that I´m in it, it´s so bleak. it´s the same meaningless shit every single day, and I just can´t stomach the fact that this is gonna be my life forever. how in the world have you been doing this for so long? I don´t get it, Tess, it´s fucking killing me” your voice was different than usual, she knew your usual tone: composed, slow, unwavering, but in that moment it was flipped, you sounded panicked, and it hurt, it hurt her to see someone like you in that state, knowing how much it must´ve taken to break you down like that. 

she waited for a moment, but she just couldn´t stay in her seat any longer, so she got up and sat down next to you, speaking quietly, softly, “listen. I get what you´re saying, and I won´t deny it, it gets dark times, it definitely does, but you´re in a particularly rough spot right now, and it will not be this level of awful forever. trust me, I´d know.” 

you looked up at her then, adjusting your posture to face her properly. Tess was many things, but she was not a liar, so you tried your best to really absorb what she´d said, to internalize it. “okay. I do believe you” she nodded, glad you were receptive to her comfort, her gaze fell to your left hand then, a few leftover bruises from the fall were also visible there. instinctively, without thinking twice,  she reached out, her fingers ever so lightly running over the discolored skin, the sudden tenderness almost made you cry, she kept looking at your hand, kept holding it, “why didn´t you come to me earlier?” a genuine question. 

you were so focused on how good it felt to be touched by her that it took you a second to answer, “I don´t know. what could you have done?”, she almost laughed then, “use your imagination, the things anyone with half a heart would do for an injured person: be nice, make some tea, maybe if I was feeling really crazy even offer a hug” you smiled then, “right. that does sound good”, “yeah, too bad you´re so strict with that suffering in silence vow you took”, you regained some humor then, “well if I wasn´t, I might have shown up here like this many times already so. careful what you wish for” she grinned then, “and you think I would´ve found that horrible, yeah?” you shrugged, “I don´t know, you tell me”.

she shook her head, amused by your refusal to see that she would pretty much drop anything to help you at any given time, “I don´t do charity, sweetie. when I say I´m here for someone, I mean it” you squeezed her hand then, realizing she´d been holding onto yours for the past minute or so. you were both looking at each other, feeling each other´s leg because you were sitting so close, faces not far apart, not at all, and something shifted in a split second. it had been a while since either of you had been with someone, but in that moment it was like your bodies were simultaneously remembering what desire feels like, more intensely than ever before, and you both saw it in the other person, mirrored back. 

Tess was the first to move, she put her hand to your cheek, her thumb almost brushing over your lips, her gaze wandering over every part of your face, your breathing heavier instantly, you looked at her with pleading eyes, but she had given you that physical cue to make the decision yours. you saw her waiting, hoping, and gave in, hand on the side of her face, fingers in her hair, pulling her in for a kiss, harder than you intended, impatient, your lips warm against hers, your body immediately leaning in as close as possible, it took Tess one second to react, but the moment she felt you kissing her with that deep eagerness, it hit her: oh. this girl really wants me.

so she grabbed you with both hands and deepened the kiss, letting you climb onto her, holding you in place as you both abandoned restraint and hungrily kissed each other over and over until you felt your tongue against hers and slowed it down a little to savor it, softly moaning into her mouth, hearing her sounds mix with yours, turning each other on even more, her hands going lower and lower on your body, stopping at your waist, your back, her grip on you almost as arousing as the kiss, your whole body melting into her touch, the tension thick and heavy, your bodies almost overheating. your movements were desperate, your sounds too, everything about it was, it truly seemed like no amount of closeness was close enough, like you were so starved you might actually devour each other. 

she could feel you pushing up against her while you kissed, and as you both caught your breaths for a moment, she could tell you needed more from her, it was not the time for anything that would take too long, not in that moment, but she knew she could help you relax, release some tension, and as if you could read her mind she could hear you begging “please Tess”, your face close to hers, a shiver as she heard the neediness in your voice, luckily clothes were pretty loose, no need to fumble with a zipper or undress, she had no trouble just slipping her hand under the fabric, down to your underwear, she could hear you take a sharp breath in.

 “I got you” she reassured, “let me make you feel good, okay?”, you leaned back into the couch as she pushed you back with one arm and moved herself to an angle that would work, your legs apart then, her hand grazing your cunt through the soaked fabric.

she breathed even heavier then, feeling the effect she had on you, her fingers cold against the heat of your core, the contrast making you dizzy for a moment, shaking slightly, already sighing just from that, she cooed at you “it´s okay” as her fingers made direct contact with your cunt, her fingers sliding between your aroused lips, a moan almost leaving her as she felt your juices covering her skin, slick with it within one second, hearing you whine a little as she moved her fingers up and down, not even thinking about your pleasure for a second but her own, the thrill of having a pretty girl claim her in that sense, covering her in wetness, already fantasizing about getting her whole face up in it, tasting you. 

the thought pushed her to add more pressure to her movements, the passion taking her over, fully, moving her fingers to your clit then, sensing it was the right thing because you were louder then, shaking almost, clinging to her, “fuck…don´t stop, please” tumbled out of your mouth as she drew circles over the sensitive spot, she felt your hips pushing upwards, her eyes back on your face then, watching you come undone, her chest swelling with the pleasure of knowing it was her doing: your eyes shut, your lips parted. “you´re so fucking pretty” she whispered while feeling your cunt practically dripping onto her hand, the words pushing you towards your orgasm even faster, she could tell you were close, so she leaned down a little, facing you, pinning you to the couch as she kept teasing your clit.

the thing that got you more turned on than you ever remembered being, was the her movements were not erratic or too fast, but secure and skilled, hard but not aggressive, a slow sensuality to it that was so powerful that you whole body burned with the sensation, “fuck, I´m-” you couldn´t even from the whole sentence but she knew what you were trying to say, “just let go sweetie, cum for me”, encouraging you to cum against her hand, which you did, a violent shudder going through you as you arched up against her hand one last time, and what killed you then was the even as you came down from the climax, she was still watching you, still touching you, so drunk on the feeling of your cum all over her fingers that she just couldn´t let go before you were truly finished.

you slumped back against the couch as she got up from on top of you and sat down next to you, also a little spent, leaning back. once you were coherent again, you looked over at her, exhausted but face glowing, she turned to face you, pleased to see you smile, “god that felt good..” you said, still high on endorphins, resting your hand on her leg, she laced her fingers between yours, “yeah. it did”, making sure you knew that got just as much out of it.

“did you call me pretty or did I imagine that?” you asked, smiling at her, she grinned, realizing that you were the type to really crave praise but not ask for it explicitly, “I´ll say it again, you´re very pretty”, her voice low and sultry, a satisfied look to you. she just said what she was thinking before she could change her mind, “do you wanna stay here tonight? you can sleep over if you want, it´s late” you sat upright then, moving over to her side of the couch, getting up in her space again, hand on her chest, “yeah I´d like that”, an enthusiasm to your expression that made her happy, “okay good. we´ll have to share a blanket though” she said, you laughed then, “I can handle that I think”.

you´d already showered and changed into comfortable clothes before you came over, so she told you to just get comfortable on whatever side of the bed you wanted, while she´d go freshen up. her bedroom was similar to her living room, minimal decor, but comfortable, warm, a few of her clothes over a chair in the corner, a wooden bedside table with a few books, a small lamp, a lighter, a candle, the bedspread a soft creme color, the window half concealed by dark curtains. it somehow smelled like her, slightly fresh, slightly woody, a hint of musk in there too. at first you didn´t even want to touch anything, feeling like a kind of intruder, but the second you sat down on the right side of the bed it was too soft and relaxing not to give in and get comfortable. 

you were leaned against the headboard, still high on the feeling of her all over you, taking the room in, stretching your legs out, your hands running over the fabric of the sheets.

a few minutes later Tess she came into the room, her hair slightly damp, face fresh and glowing, dressed in a t-shirt and underwear. you were glad to see that she was already fine with you seeing her like that, even though you hadn´t seen her naked yet. 

your gaze wandered to her strong thighs as she walked over to her wardrobe and got out a pair of sweatpants, she smiled to herself, feeling your attention even though she had her back turned to you, “you´re staring” she said, her voice giving away that she enjoyed it, “I know” you responded, which made her laugh and turn around to look at you.

you didn´t even bother to pretend, you were still clearly checking her out as she got dressed, “I think I deserve something in return for that” she said as she walked over to her side of the bed and got onto the covers with you, eyeing you from the side, “yeah like what?”, she smiled, pulling you closer in one swift motion, her hand finding the bare skin of your thighs under the fabric, squeezing a little, just taking in the feeling of your soft skin, you were face to face, and your grin gave away that she could do pretty much whatever she wanted to you, “if you want me to undress I can do that you know”, you teased, she shook her head, “no, this is good, I like having something to look forward to”, that was the charming way of putting it, Tess also could´ve said we can´t fuck right now because we´re both tired and I´ll need the first time of getting a taste of you to last as long as possible. 

you blushed a little then, your hand in her hair, taking in the sight of her outside of her usual guarded physicality, all sweet and affectionate, relaxed, hand under her shirt, on her back, it was surprising to you, that nothing you did, no amount of touching her, seemed to be too much at all, even though she was not a hugger, not a person for handshakes even, so it made you feel free in your greediness for her.

 you spent a short while just laying there, half entwined, the sleepiness adding to the slow tenderness of the moment, she seemed mesmerized as her hand wandered further up your body, pushing your shirt up a little to trace your side with her fingers, you leaned in to kiss her, pulling her closer by the neck, Tess pulling your lower side close hers with the grip she had on your waist. you were dizzy from the warm sensation of her lips, her skin, your leg over hers, the way she immediately kissed you back with a need she couldn´t hide, eliciting a few low sounds of pleasure from you, you only parted once you both needed air, “come on” she said, she motioned for you to get under the covers with her, the room a little too cold to stay like that for long.

the moment you were under the blanket a shyness returned, the intimacy of truly being in bed with her like that suddenly making you hesitant to move, which she saw, and it amused her, that this girl who had no issue firing a gun, beating people up if needed, dealing godless amounts of drugs, suddenly seemed unable to just take up the personal space of a woman who was very clearly into her. the contrast charmed her, made her realize that she had a good amount of power over you but the good kind, the kind that allowed her to make you feel safe, free to show your more vulnerable self for once.

she smiled at you, “so, you wanna stay on your side or?...” 

you realized she was teasing a little, sensing your apprehension, it made you remember there was no need to be hesitant at all, so you shook your head, smiling back at her, “well come here then”. she opened her arms, gesturing for you to lay down on her however you wanted, which you did. you moved over and it felt so natural, to just lay your head on her chest and rest your arm on her stomach, everything about it felt like you´d done it before, the way Tess´s hand immediately found its way to your hair, running her fingers through it, softly, the repeated rhythm of it immediately putting you at ease, the feeling of your face against her chest reminding her how much she´d craved it all along, to feel useful, needed, to feel like her presence was actually making a difference to someone who deserved it. 

“that feels nice” you whispered, your voice sleepy at that point, your body slack against hers, she ruffled your hair a little, feeling you lean into her hand, moving it down to caress your cheek, both of you slowly dozing off, so she reached over and switched off the small light that was still on, letting you stay on top of her, soothed by your weight on top of her. usually she had a hard time falling asleep, but it was impossible to stay awake any longer, you were both too comfortable.

when you woke up a few hours later in the dead of night, you realized that you´d moved over to your own side in your sleep, and when you realized that you were too awake to drift off again, you rolled over to watch Tess, who was sort of facing you in her sleep. she looked graceful, her mouth was closed, her cheeks were a little flushed, her hair spread out over the pillow, you just laid there admiring her.

she stirred a few moments later but you couldn´t be bothered to turn away and pretend you weren´t looking, so when she opened her eyes a little, you heard her say in a raspy quiet voice “are you watching me sleep?”, you smiled, “maybe”, she shook her head a little, clearly still half asleep, you added “you´re a pretty sleeper”, a sly grin on your face, “you don´t have to suck up to me, I already like you”, Tess uttered, witty even while she wasn´t fully conscious, you protested, “I mean it”, she had her eyes closed but spoke again, “that´s very charming but you should sleep instead”, “I tried” you said. 

the liminal quality of that moment, the almost dreamlike air, made it easy for Tess to have no issue doing what she did next: she tapped you on the side of your body that was facing her “turn around”, telling you to get on your side and face away from her, “let´s try this”, she said, pulling you closer by wrapping her arm around you and getting into a big spoon type position, her chest pressed against your back then, her arm around your waist, and she was right to guess that it would help, her warmth immediately made your eyes feel heavy again, the sensation too good not to just melt into and lose yourself in. you put your hand over hers, and within about ten minutes you were both sound asleep again.

the next morning, it took you a moment to come to your senses and realize where you were, but the second you did, an unfamiliar thing happened: you were flooded with joy instead of dread. usually mornings were your least favorite part of the day, the things you had to do looming ahead of you, but as you saw the sun coming into Tess´s room, you felt at peace, content. the space next to you was empty and you could hear Tess moving around in the kitchen, so you got up, went to the bathroom to splash some water on your face, and walked to the kitchen. since you weren´t wearing shoes she didn´t hear you come in, so you just stood there watching her from across the room, smiling, until she turned around, “well, hello there” she said, unable to hide the obvious pure joy she felt at seeing you. 

it had been a long time since Tess had dated or even hooked up with anyone, let alone let someone stay over, so every little detail of being with you gave her a rush, the sight of you leaning against the wall with your face still a little scrunched up from sleep was enough to make her feel warm all over, so she was almost scared of what it would feel like once you´d actually do something explicitly romantic for her. somehow you both knew it without saying, that you were about to spend a lot of time together, that you were both in need of much more than just one night. Tess wasn´t thinking as far as being your girlfriend yet, but part of her hoped, part of her did love the idea of finally being devoted to someone the way she always wanted to be.

she waved you over to where she was standing, setting a cup of coffee down on the counter, “perfect timing, I just got done with this” she put down some sugar too in case you wanted it. you approached her, almost a little shy, knowing she was seeing you in a rather personal light then, having barely been awake for more than five minutes, but she was clearly enamored by it. you gratefully took the cup and warmed your hands against it, taking a sip, leaning against over counter, looking at her, feeling her gaze on you the entire time. it was almost too good to be true, normally your entire day was spent in a haze where nobody could reach you, and there she was, disrupting it, again and again, making you come back to life just by being there.

“you could have woken me up, you know” you said, but she just shook her head, “no fucking way, I was glad you were sleeping so well” a grin that gave away she knew it was partly thanks to her, you nodded, your face muscles almost hurting from having been frozen in a permanent smile for the past few minutes, “yeah I do feel much better than yesterday. I wonder why that is” you said while taking her hand.

she tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear, eyeing you, “is there anything you need to do today?” she asked, praying the answer was no, you shook your head, “no, nothing until Monday. you?” hoping for the same answer, she thought for a moment “well, nothing I couldn´t put off for a day or two” a faint smile, you got up then, walking over to her, putting your arms around her neck,“put it off then” you said, before leaning in to tenderly kiss her cheek, her neck, whispering against her skin “please stay here Tess. please”, your voice dripping with sweetness, her breathing changed as she felt you all over her skin, she thought of course this girl is clever enough to know what begging does to me, her hands on your back then, under your shirt, “okay, I´m not going anywhere” she said, and of course she wouldn´t, she already knew that before your act of persuasion, but she liked seeing you try to convince her.

“I think we should go back to bed” you declared, staring at her, a boldness that came out of nowhere but felt exactly right, she grinned, her hands on your waist, pulling you close, “you think so, yeah?”, you just looked at her, words were unnecessary, your hunger for her apparent in your gaze, Tess felt her face growing hot. it was one thing that you´d wanted her when you were weak and exhausted and needed comfort, it was another that you also wanted her when you were well rested and fine and could´ve thought of other things to start your day with, but apparently still only had her on your mind. “let´s get you out of these then, hm” she said, tugging at your clothes, your eyes sparkling up at her before she took your hand and lead you back to her room.

as she pulled off your shirt and started kissing your chest, you had that same feeling again that you´d had years ago: despite all the pain, the darkness that had seeped into your life at times, you knew in that moment how lucky you were that someone like Tess had paid attention to you in exact right moment, that she did not just help you, but made you come alive again. 

finally, you found yourself not wanting to escape your body anymore, finally you were happy to be fully present, trying your best to soak up every little detail, the feeling of the sun spilling in, of being undressed by Tess, being admired, held by her.

it seemed like divine intervention to you, that Tess had come into your life right when you needed her the most. 

#tess servopoulos #tess servopoulos x reader #the last of us x reader #tlou #the last of us #the last of us fanfiction #anna torv #I’m thinking about also writing some shorter/smuttier stuff for her bc I have a few ideas for that #but for now heres this

[everydayyoulovemeless]

New Vegas companions (+ulysses)with a teen Courier? Like how they treat the teen and such

FNV Companions (+Ulysses) With A Teen!Courier

➼ Word Count » 1.3k ➼ Warnings » None ➼ Genre » Platonic

Boone's not entirely keen on the idea of traveling with someone so young. He feels that you shouldn't be out here at all and would tell you to go home. Of course, you don't remember your home, and once you tell him as much he feels obligated to (reluctantly) take you in. For a while, it'll be you, him, and Manny hanging around in Novac, with the two of them taking turns teaching you how to snipe effectively. After a few weeks, you need to continue your path to find Benny, and Boone agrees to go with you, if nothing else, then to protect you from the horrors of the outside world. He's still set on the idea that you're way too young to be out doing things like this, but if it's something you have to do then he'd rather it be him that goes along with you than anyone who might be a bad influence on you, especially considering you've lost all you're memories. He's a reluctant father figure, who'll stop at nothing to ensure you don't fall into the hands of the Legion, or worse, die.

Arcade isn't sure why anyone who forgot how to gamble would want to travel all the way out to Vegas, let alone Freeside. You didn't even have enough money to bypass the guards to get into the Strip when you entered the Old Mormon Fort for the first time, so whatever plan you had before traveling here is lost on him. He only begins talking to you out of pity and confusion, wanting to learn more about your motivations for making such a long hike for a payout that would surely never come. His pity for you only grows, and he'll quickly agree to come along with you wherever you plan on going next. You don't seem to remember anything at all so he'll do his best to reeducate you on the basics. Medicine, survival, reading, he'll cover them all in due time. He truly does feel guilty that you, some kid from who knows where, got caught up in such a large mess of things, and hopes that by staying with you he can make up for the acts this world has committed against you. He sees a bit of himself in you: a lost kid with no more home or family to turn to, no one to confide in, and he hopes to one day take on that familial role for you.

Raul can't help but feel a little bit embarrassed that he had to be saved by a kid with brain damage, but either way, he's happy to be able to leave Black Mountain. He'll follow you out of a mixture of gratitude and curiosity as you remind him a lot of himself back when he still lived in Mexico City. That being said, he is just the tiniest bit overprotective over you. He'd hate it if you ended up with the same fate as his family and would stop at nothing to ensure he never has to go through something like that again. The longer you travel together, the more he feels like he's found a younger sibling to watch over again. He'll tease you and generally be his sarcastic self, but he's definitely a lot softer on you than he would if you'd been an adult. He almost feels as if it's his responsibility to help raise you and keep you alive and healthy, and that's exactly what he ends up doing.

Lily would consider it to be a downright sin for her to just let you wander around on your own! So, whether you agree to it or not, she'll become your full-time grandma throughout the rest of your travels. She's just as doting to you as she would be to any of her other grandchildren and always makes a point to check in on your health and overall well-being. Grandma couldn't have her little pumpkin sad or starving now, could she? That being said, she does her best to fit in the occasional home cooking she's so famous for back in Jacobstown. Not much really changes with Lily. She's still the sweet, old grandma who adopts you regardless of everything, the only real difference being that she's more stubborn with coming along with you. Kids shouldn't be out and about without any chaperon, after all!

Cass doesn't really have much of an opinion on it. You're a kid, so what? Everyone around you was a kid at some point. She does, however, have a small soft spot for teens who aren't afraid of what the waste has to offer, and you've had to make it all the way out to the Mojave Outpost from somewhere, haven't you? She'll pat the barstool beside her, gesturing for you to come and sit down before (secretly) sliding you a glass of whiskey that the two of you share. She wants you to start from the beginning: what are you doing here? And where are your parents? She grows to respect you quite quickly and finds herself feeling some kind of connection with you. Maybe it's because you're a lot rowdier than most others your age, maybe it's 'cause of how unbothered you appear, or maybe it's the determined way you carry yourself? Either way, she's taking her place beside you to get revenge on whoever was fucked up enough to try and kill a kid.

Veronica gets a bit excited when she sees a teen approaching her at the 188 Trading Post. She thinks you're the cutest thing and would love to come along! She's constantly thinking up outfits she thinks you'd look great in, just little accessories here and there to really spice up the 'vengeful vibe' you seem to be going for. She's like the sister you never had, or at least never remembered having, and she takes that role very seriously. You need dating advice? She's your girl to go to. Want to be a better fighter? Allow her, you're amazing new best friend, to offer you some pointers. You want a group to back you up? She'll bother the Brotherhood for as long as she needs before you're accepted into their bunker. Honestly, she couldn't have asked for a better person to come along and break her out of her boredom. The two of you will cause problems like no other, but that only means you both know how to have fun and make the most of your situations.

Ulysses holds a lot less resentment toward you as he believes you're naivety was abused by the NCR. That being said, when you come wandering into the Divide, he definitely puts it in your head that the NCR isn't any good and that you're a victim to this world as much as he, and the rest of the Divide, were. He'll try to brainwash you into viewing the world the same way he does: a cold and heartless mess. He takes you under his wing in a sense, raising you to be a strong and determined warrior against both the NCR and the Legion. He's invested so much energy and thought into you that he feels it'd almost be a waste if he doesn't. If you decide you're not going to follow his path and carve your own, he wouldn't have any qualms about fighting you the same way he would had you been an adult, he'd just feel it'd be a misuse in potential. He'd be a mentor figure to you, a dangerous and smart one, but a teacher nonetheless. There's no room for compromise, and he'll turn you both into a two-man army to ruin the two flags that run rampant throughout the Mojave.

#fallout #fallout new vegas #fnv #fnv companions #craig boone #boone fnv #fnv boone #boone headcanons #fnv headcanons #fallout headcanons #arcade ganon #arcade gannon #arcade fnv #fnv arcade #arcade headcanons #raul tejada #raul fnv #fnv raul #lily bowen #lily fnv #fnv lily #cass fnv #fnv cass #rose of sharon cassidy #veronica santangelo #veronica fnv #fnv veronica #ulysses #ulysses fnv #fnv ulysses

[aspd-culture]

What’s the difference between remorse and shame?

So remorse is inherent to having had done something wrong. While getting caught/the risk thereof, if someone got hurt emotionally or otherwise, the potential for social consequences, etc can *add* to that remorse, none of that is what causes it. Instead it is a societally built instinct that becomes an uncontrollable part of brain development quite early in life, though as we see in pwASPD it can be removed entirely or diluted by circumstances that make it useless, dangerous, or otherwise cause a child to believe other people don't feel that way. That instinct defines a bad and good and if you do something bad you feel this itch to make it up to anyone involved, to tell people what you did, to try and get forgiveness and atone for whatever it is you did, and even after all of that there will still be that feeling of remorse. It is this thing in the pit of your stomach nagging you about what you did wrong - not because of any effect it may have on you, and it occurs even if there is 0 chance it will affect you in any way - and not letting you forget about it.

Shame is a different social response, and in typical development, comes from perceived risk of social consequences (if people found out they'd hate me, so I must be bad and I shouldn't have done it) and a hit to self-esteem/self-worth on the basis that they did whatever they did. It can also come from PTSD as a trauma response, or OCD. As a trauma response, doing something that may have caused a valued adult or caregiver or even a friend that was taking a somewhat caregiving role for you will cause this shame as you risk falling out of favor with someone who is safe. You don't want them to see you in a negative light because their opinion of you directly affects how you feel about yourself. As an OCD obsession it can come from being either labelled as bad as a child and your brain taking that in and becoming extremely paranoid about good vs evil and which side you stand on, or for someone who is kind and caring and "good" by social standards and values that, as an attack on something you value most - as that is what OCD does by definition. Shame is a part of the anxiety needed to keep humans in packs back when we were surviving in small groups in the "wild" rather than in established towns/cities/civilization of any sort. If a human were to be cut off from the pack due to distaste towards them, it would be the end of them almost certainly. Humans were weaker to the elements, starvation, dehydration, and predators at the time, so you needed the protection that came in numbers both for the ability to keep food/water/shelter around and for the fact that animals were less likely to attack a group of humans than a single one. It was literally life or death if people liked you enough to keep you around, and so there is a very strong response built into humans' brains to keep social favor towards them - that's what we call shame.

So shame has something to do with how you view yourself or how others view you (and the potential consequences thereof), while remorse is an instinct that does not care about consequences, whether anyone knows, your opinion of yourself, etc. Remorse just is because of the fact that you did the thing. It's considered disingenuous to apologize or attempt to make amends exclusively on shame, and remorse is a large part of the social dance expected when someone knows you did something wrong. In fact, perceived remorse is a large part of court proceedings and legal decisions such as parole/probation vs jail time, length of sentence, etc. "You should be ashamed of yourself" is a bit of a misnomer, because really what they want is for you to feel an instinctual suffering as a result of having had done something wrong.

I hope this made sense; as always anyone is welcome to send in another ask for clarification if it didn't.

Plain text below the cut:

So remorse is inherent to having had done something wrong. While getting caught/the risk thereof, if someone got hurt emotionally or otherwise, the potential for social consequences, etc can *add* to that remorse, none of that is what causes it. Instead it is a societally built instinct that becomes an uncontrollable part of brain development quite early in life, though as we see in pwASPD it can be removed entirely or diluted by circumstances that make it useless, dangerous, or otherwise cause a child to believe other people don't feel that way. That instinct defines a bad and good and if you do something bad you feel this itch to make it up to anyone involved, to tell people what you did, to try and get forgiveness and atone for whatever it is you did, and even after all of that there will still be that feeling of remorse. It is this thing in the pit of your stomach nagging you about what you did wrong - not because of any effect it may have on you, and it occurs even if there is 0 chance it will affect you in any way - and not letting you forget about it.

Shame is a different social response, and in typical development, comes from perceived risk of social consequences (if people found out they'd hate me, so I must be bad and I shouldn't have done it) and a hit to self-esteem/self-worth on the basis that they did whatever they did. It can also come from PTSD as a trauma response, or OCD. As a trauma response, doing something that may have caused a valued adult or caregiver or even a friend that was taking a somewhat caregiving role for you will cause this shame as you risk falling out of favor with someone who is safe. You don't want them to see you in a negative light because their opinion of you directly affects how you feel about yourself. As an OCD obsession it can come from being either labelled as bad as a child and your brain taking that in and becoming extremely paranoid about good vs evil and which side you stand on, or for someone who is kind and caring and "good" by social standards and values that, as an attack on something you value most - as that is what OCD does by definition. Shame is a part of the anxiety needed to keep humans in packs back when we were surviving in small groups in the "wild" rather than in established towns/cities/civilization of any sort. If a human were to be cut off from the pack due to distaste towards them, it would be the end of them almost certainly. Humans were weaker to the elements, starvation, dehydration, and predators at the time, so you needed the protection that came in numbers both for the ability to keep food/water/shelter around and for the fact that animals were less likely to attack a group of humans than a single one. It was literally life or death if people liked you enough to keep you around, and so there is a very strong response built into humans' brains to keep social favor towards them - that's what we call shame.

So shame has something to do with how you view yourself or how others view you (and the potential consequences thereof), while remorse is an instinct that does not care about consequences, whether anyone knows, your opinion of yourself, etc. Remorse just is because of the fact that you did the thing. It's considered disingenuous to apologize or attempt to make amends exclusively on shame, and remorse is a large part of the social dance expected when someone knows you did something wrong. In fact, perceived remorse is a large part of court proceedings and legal decisions such as parole/probation vs jail time, length of sentence, etc. "You should be ashamed of yourself" is a bit of a misnomer, because really what they want is for you to feel an instinctual suffering as a result of having had done something wrong.

I hope this made sense; as always anyone is welcome to send in another ask for clarification if it didn't.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

[hard-core-super-star]

Hello, I have a request for Hailee Steinfeld x reader: The reader works at a law firm and is a serious and kinda intimidating person, while also being really loving with close ones. The two have been married for a while and have kids, and before their anniversary reader surprises Hailee with the help of their children with a cute little cake and presents. It was chaotic to calm the kids’ excitement but the reader eventually worked it out.

I’m sorry if the request is kinda plain or doesn’t have enough info, it’s my first time requesting:)

I just now discovered your page and I absolutely adore your writing, it’s super original and fun to read.❤️

honeycomb [H.Steinfeld]

pairing: hailee steinfeld x reader

summary: you decide to let your kids help you bake a cake for your wife and cute chaos ensues.

warnings: none; quite literally the softest, most cutest fluff i've ever written; cheesy nicknames; incredibly blunt children; hailee being way too proud of being the favorite

wordcount: 1.7k

a/n: first of all, thank you so much for your kind words, lovely anon! this request was NOT plain, it was wonderful, thank you for sending it in. i was giggling and kicking my feet every time i wrote the word 'wife' and i can only hope you react the same way while reading. [i purposely left the descriptions and names of the kids vague and gender-neutral so you can picture them any way you want...and yes, both of their names are references to hailee projects, i couldn't resist]

* * * * * * *

You’re not sure what possessed you to invite your kids to help you bake a cake for their mom but you’re sure your kitchen will never look the same again.

You couldn’t deny that the idea was cute, and you adored the smiles you received from the twins when you offered to let them help you, but now you were covered in flour and chasing around two eight-year-olds on a sugar high. Hailee can say whatever she wants but they both got that restless spirit from her and not you.

A restless spirit that was going to get somebody in trouble and considering how much your wife loves spoiling your kids, that somebody was going to be you. You don’t really mind, the mere thought of getting ‘lectured’ by her being enough to make you chuckle to yourself.

Unfortunately, you’re supposed to be playing the role of a responsible adult right now and laughing the way you are only makes the twins believe their rambunctiousness is being rewarded.

“Charlie, no pushing,” you say, forcing yourself to sound strict. (Or as strict as you can be with two adorable pairs of brown eyes staring up at you like you hold all the answers to the universe) “Come on, help me clean up a little before your mom comes home.”

Your request gets mostly ignored but at least they walk back to the kitchen with you. You walk around, cleaning countertops with scattered bits of flour and sugar, while pretending you don’t notice how restless they’re getting. Their excitement is too endearing for you to be annoyed by what a hard time Charlie’s having staying still.

It’s almost funny how much more tolerant you are when it comes to your family. If anyone back at the office was tapping their foot the way the small brunette is, you’d probably glare at them. Now, all you can do is smile and try to come up with a way to entertain both kids.

The more reserved of the two speaks up before you get a chance to offer them something to do. “When’s mom coming back?”

“Hopefully in the next thirty minutes,” you reply as you sneak a glance at the clock. You decide it’s best not to point out the fact that you’ve been saying that for the past hour or so.

Hailee was clearly running late but you’re definitely not the right person to complain about that. You’re just glad she’s found another project to be passionate about. Especially since it took a lot of convincing to get her to go back to acting once the twins were old enough to understand why their mom worked at such weird hours.

You were just glad your own job allowed you to work from home a few days a week so your kids never felt like they had to take on the world on their own. The last thing you want is for them to feel like you never spend time together as a family.

Hence why you asked for the day off from your highly demanding job to prepare a surprise for your wife. Every year she insisted more and more that she didn’t need you to do anything special for your anniversary, that spending time with you every day was the only gift she could ever want, but that never stopped you from finding some way to do something for her. This year was the first year that you got your kids involved and you can only imagine the look of joy you’re bound to receive because of it.

“The cake’s done!”

You turn toward the oven as soon as you hear the announcement with a smile on your face. “Good job, little bumblebee.”

The nickname is a little too on the nose for your liking but it’s incredibly fitting and it makes the twins smile like nothing else…except maybe Hailee. They’re going through a phase where all they want to do is be around her and honestly, you can’t be mad about that because you’re exactly the same way. That’s probably where they got that from actually.

The twins start chattering excitedly about the cake while you carefully take it out of the oven and place it on the kitchen island. It honestly looks good as long as you ignore all the chaos making it left behind. Then again, chaos seems to be the main love language of your eight-year-olds and who are you to deny them?

“Okay, who wants to help me decorate it?”

You had no idea the kind of response those words were going to get.

Turns out, the twins not only got their restless spirits from Hailee but they also got her creativity and her badly hidden perfectionism. (Although you might share the blame for that last trait) It takes practically all your energy and your focus to keep them somewhat contained and stop them from arguing about what shape to draw and whether or not to write something. You're in the middle of spelling out the word ‘anniversary’ for them when the distinct sound of your wife’s voice steals your attention.

“What's going on in here?”

The speed at which both Charlie and Em move is enough to amaze any speedster in any universe. Hailee just barely manages to brace herself before they both collide into her body.

“We baked you a cake!” Em announces with a smile that looks identical to the one on your wife’s face.

“Is that right?” Hailee’s warm eyes shift between both of the adorable faces staring up at her.

“Yeah, Em and I did all the work! Right, mom?”

You see no point in correcting your very excited child over something so endearing. “Yeah, that's right, bee. And you both did a great job. You didn't even need me here.”

“Of course we needed you!” You prepare yourself for the sweet comment that no doubt follows. “The shelves are too high.”

The sound of Hailee’s laugh softens the blow a little bit. There's nothing quite like the bluntness of a child, something that you've started to learn the hard way.

“Thank you for the cake, my loves.” She leans down to give each of the twins a kiss on their foreheads. “How about you guys go pick what movie you want to watch tonight?”

They immediately run off in the direction of the living room, giving you and Hailee a small moment of peace.

“Happy anniversary, darling,” you say as you make your way toward her. “Did you like your surprise?”

“Let me think about it,” she replies, her voice tinged with a playfulness you've loved and adored since the day you met her. “I loved it, baby. Thank you.”

You wrap your arms around her and pull her toward you once you’re close enough. “Don't thank me, I didn't do anything according to the twins.”

“Try not to sound so bitter, my love.”

“Oh, shut up.” You roll your eyes but the smile on your face makes it clear that you don’t actually mind the joke. “You’re their favorite and you know it.”

“It’s not my fault that they have good taste.”

You’d love to argue with her but you have more important priorities in mind right now. Starting with kissing your gorgeous wife.

You lean in for a short, sweet, kiss, relishing the feeling of her lips against yours after spending most of the day away from each other. She lets out a quiet hum of approval as you kiss and the sound makes your smile grow until you’re forced to pull away.

“I have a gift for you,” you whisper into the space between you.

“y/n-”

“I know, I know.” You give her a quick peck to silence her yearly complaint. “But I saw it and I couldn’t resist.

You reach into your back pocket and pull out a small velvet box. Hailee raises her eyebrow once she sees it. “You’re not going to propose to me again, are you?”

You laugh and shake your head. “No, I think I got it perfect the first time.”

You lift the box up toward her before opening it up to reveal the necklace inside. It’s not anything extravagant, and you honestly worry it’s a little too cheesy, but your wife’s eyes light up at the sight of it just the same.

“Babe…”

“I thought you’d like to have your little bumblebees around all the time,” you explain as your own eyes drift down. The cute charm dangling from the gold chain is of a small beehive with two tiny bees on either side of it. As soon as you saw it, you thought of the twins and you knew Hailee would love it.

The huge smile on her face tells you you were right. “I want to be mad at you for breaking the ‘no gifts’ rule but this is adorable.” She gently takes the necklace out of its holding place and hands it to you. “Help me put it on?”

She turns around and you’re briefly transported back to your first date. Back when you were young and stupid and sure you would only be a tiny speck in Hailee’s dating history. You’ve never been happier to be proven wrong.

You reach out to move her hair out of the way, letting your fingertips graze her soft skin, before clasping the necklace together and letting it rest on her neck. You can’t stop yourself from placing a few kisses along her shoulder and grinning at the sound of her breath catching in her throat. It’s these small moments that make you fall in love all over again.

The brunette seems to read your mind and she lets out a soft whisper. “I love you, y/n.”

“I love you too, Lee.”

The moment is interrupted by the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching you. “Moms, why are you taking so long?”

You respond to the question with one of your own. “Did you guys pick out a movie?”

“We couldn’t decide,” Em says with a tiny pout. “We want mom to pick.”

Hailee couldn’t hold in her proud grin even if she tried. “I think I love you more and more each day.”

All three of you reply with your own words of affection, filling the room with a small chorus of love. You step back from your wife and motion toward the forgotten cake on the counter. "I'll take care of the cake, go help them figure out what to watch."

She nods in response before leading the tiny rascals out of the kitchen and back toward the living room. You admire their retreating forms for a few moments, feeling like the luckiest person in the world.

#hailee steinfeld x reader #hailee steinfeld x female reader #hailee steinfeld x you #hailee steinfeld x y/n #hailee steinfeld fic #hailee steinfeld fluff #hailee steinfeld imagine #hailee steinfeld fanfiction #hailee steinfeld #hawkeye #hawkeye fanfic #mcu #mcu fanfiction #mcu imagine #marvel #wlw #wlw fic #writing

[imagionationstation]

*Slams open the door to your inbox very, very loudly*

I HAVE ANOTHER IDEA FOR AN AU

But this one is a little bit deranged.

AU where only Donatello and Karai are raised by Splinter and the rest (Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo) were raised by the Shredder. (Or vice versa idk which would be funnier)

It's stupid, I KNOW— but wdnsixjsks—

Just imagine the lone turtle being raised by the opposite side of the other three, accompanied with just as fierce + overprotective older sister who'd drop kick anyone who ever attempt to claim the title as 'Donatello's older sibling'.

Donnie'd be so confused to suddenly have a group of the same species as him suddenly thrusted into his life after spending years of beliving he's the only one— and oh look they're now claiming him to be their brother, how neat.

Karai is NOT happy because that's HER little brother and they have to pry him out of her cold, dead hands.

Leo and Raph would be, "You're our master's daughter and that's OUR little brother", to which Karai would be, ">:0".

Cue to Mikey and Donnie arguing who is older.

I'm not sure about you, but I am also a sucker for (over)protective Mikey. It's a neat concept, one that hasn't been explored much by the fandom— but arhwidnsidnsi.

I just love the purple genius, okay?

This AU is purely crack and self-indulgent at this point hahah.

-Ellestrade

Donnie didn’t consider himself to be a bad son, per say.

Sensei always had a list of rules to keep him safe. Never go down to the ground floor unless the dojo was closed for the day. Never open the curtains because he might be glimpsed. Never go out into the yard unless he got permission or had one of them with him.

And never, under any circumstances, was he to enter New York City.

Sensei was always very careful when it came to his safety. It’s the whole reason that he found a place outside the city for him to grow up, miles away from people, but close enough to the city that Miwa could visit to terrorize socialize whenever she feels cooped up.

Donnie’s never had that luxury, but now he was fifteen.

Fifteen was practically driving age. Fifteen is old enough to be in a high school and get invited to parties that sounded unsafe and rent adult movies behind parents backs and get to buy things at stores or check out books at the library!

He’s definitely responsible enough to borrow some books on his own.

Fifteen is also the perfect age for sneaking out and breaking rules.

It’s not really his fault. It’s the hormone and teenage ritual stuff. He couldn’t help it, probably. That’s what Miwa always says. Sensei buys it sometimes. He goes easy on her. So when Donnie wakes up to a carpeted floor and a splitting migraine, he knows he’s been caught and he’ll need every reasonable excuse that he can get his hands on.

It’s his birthday, anyway. Sensei can’t be too mad.

There are muffled voices around him as he lifts his head, immediately regretting it when pain spikes from his skull and scatters across his forehead. He clutches at his skull, groaning miserably. He’s never had an all-nighter migraine this intense before.

He supposes that this is what Miwa would call a personal problem as remains on the ground, forcing his eyes open to get a read on the situation. He expects to see his father hovering as Miwa goads him into a punishment because the consequences of his actions was never enough for her.

Somehow, his father usually ends up letting him off the hook instead. A perk of being an extinct species that can never see the light of day, he supposes, is endless sympathy points.

Donnie’s greeted with three shells, four blinding overhead lights, five individual weapons, and six eyes, all balanced out by a truckload of confusion. He stares, blinking sluggishly, as one of the turtles announces, “Well, he’s not dead.”

And just like that, this has officially slotted itself to be the weirdest dream Donnie has ever had.

DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT I HAD TOO-

So anyway, feel free to assume that he’s in pain and kidnapped for any number of reasons because I have about twelve different ideas and they are all equal GREAT for the crack AU atmosphere that is in development in my brain.

I’m just imaging a backstory where Shredder fought the Kraang (cause he was hangry or something, who knows) and the turtles (sitting abandoned in the alley, maybe?) are corrupt with mutagen.

Absolutely dumbfounded but not stupid enough to leave the little freaks of nature behind, he (still human) snatches three of them, accidentally leaving one behind.

Hours/days later, Toddler Miwa hear Donnie crying, barely alive and all alone. Obviously, dad and daughter care for him.

Shredder and Yoshi are still human, but neither is on guard for the other. They both think the other remains in Japan.

Their sons don’t grow up hating each other’s guts. They are both trying to leave their past behind. Yoshi is raising his family. Shredder is growing his empire.

So Donnie didn’t grow up knowing he had other brothers because no one knew they existed. Ergo, I imagine Donnie would be confused at first, but after fifteen years thinking that he’s alone in the universe, he’s eager to learn everything about these three fellow turtle mutants in ninja gear. He’s a bit perturbed about the fact that they keep making excuses to keep him from leaving, but he’s not to concerned about it. He has brothers! How neat is that?

And since it’s a crack AU, it would be absolutely hilarious if Donnie seems like this naive, learned soul, who cannot social in the slightest- but the second that the need calls for it, he knows how to use several different type of weapons and can take all the brother down single-handedly. He had fifteen years of no brotherly distractions and a sister who takes training very seriously. Why wouldn’t he?

It’s why he’s not concerned with technically being held hostage. He’s reasonably certain that he can take them. And he proves it when Karai finds him and tries to take him home, only for the brothers attempt to stop him from leaving.

Of course, he always feels bad about his supremely awesome and instinctive skills. He prefers his studies.

No, but your “pry him out of her cold, dead hands” comment made me think that she’d need a reason to feel threatened. If they bond before she finds him, Donnie will begin looking at his older brothers (yes, even Mikey, who adores being able to feel in charge of someone) like, well, eldest brothers, and Karai will sense the change.

And, obvs, be completely and utterly ticked off by it.

Donnie’s spent his entire life admiring her and everything that she does- how DARE she have to share his attention with these three random strangers that literally kidnapped him?!

And his older brothers will all immediately decide that this lost child is theirs’ for one reason or another. And obviously, the safest thing to do when you find a stray mutant like you is to take it home and give it care. Heck, if it turns out to be your brother, even better!

HAPPY FIFTEENTH BIRTHDAY! YOU BELONG TO A GROUP OF NINJA TURTLES NOW, ADOPTED LIKE A LOST CAT! CONGRATS!

#I love crack aus #Like what is this what am I doing #i don’t even want to think of it too hard just dwell in the utter nonsense that is their lives now #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2k12 #tmnt au #IS Asks #teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012 #2012 tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt donnie 2012 #2012 donnie #tmnt raph 2012 #tmnt leo 2012 #donnie 2012 #tmnt 2012 donnie #2012 donatello #donnie tmnt 2012 #tmnt mikey 2012 #mikey 2012 #tmnt 2012 mikey #2012 mikey #2012 michelangelo #tmnt 2012 raph #2012 raph #tmnt 2012 raphael #2012 raphael #tmnt 2012 leo #tmnt 2012 leonardo #2012 leo

[twojackals]

The End

This is a long one, but here's the takeaway: 1) Kemetic Orthodoxy / House of Netjer is no longer a safe place for anyone to 'be human' apparently (so if you want to be Kemetic and not be human, by all means, have at it), and 2) I am no longer a member of the House of Netjer Kemetic Temple or the Kemetic Orthodox religion in any capacity (including Remetj). I have formally resigned, and am better for it.

The issue

So let's talk about being religious or spiritual, but also being human. Because apparently, those two things can't exist in the same space, at least if you're a member of the House of Netjer.

Personal Support... or lack-thereof.

We used to have a space, up until a few days ago, in the HoN spiritual organization called "Personal Support". It was a place where people could discuss their personal feelings, trials, tribulations, and seek support from fellow members. Basically, it was a place to be human, in the presence of your fellow Kemetic Orthodox followers.

A couple of days ago, the administration decided to pulled the Personal Support channel (and also a political-esque channel called current affairs) because people's feelings cause too much trouble. Well ok, that's not entirely true. The real reason is "because HoN members can't act like fucking adults and just scroll past things they don't like", but let's put that aside for now.

I can tell you from experience, the pulling of that channel was on people's minds for years, and it tended to be less about what people posted, and more about the fact that people couldn't fathom just letting people talk and express without reporting content perpetually that they simply didn't like. It's a moderation burden, I definitely don't disagree with that, but not because of the content (at least not by-and-large, I would not blame the content to a degree of at least 90 - 95%).

At the time I was still a moderator, I was dead-set against removing that channel and the current events channel, as I believe spiritual spaces are human spaces first and foremost, and humans have emotions, and humans need and want to express those emotions among people they trust. Spiritual spaces should be one of those trusted environments. But there are still a lot of people (particularly old-guard) who want the space to be "strictly spiritual" with very little actual humanity in it unless it is related directly to Netjer.

That bugs me. A lot.

[Side note: They consider the "prayer requests" area to be a suitable replacement. Ah yes, a blessed tots-and-pears to you as well.]

What the hell happened (and why it's at least partially the community's fault)

One of the biggest reasons this was done in my opinion is because the moderation team is too constrained in what it is socially permitted to do by the community. This has been an ongoing problem for a very long time: the moderation team is unable to properly act because they are perpetually burned at the stake by the community, and no one does anything about that. Bullies run rampant as I've discussed in numerous previous posts. Essentially the moderators aren't given enough leeway to truly moderate, and that restriction actually doesn't come from the top -- the Board and even Tamara Siuda has always been supportive of the moderators doing what needs to be done, but the community is intolerant, and therein lies the real problem.

For example, part of problematic content in a place like "Personal Support" is violence in content, or illegal activity in content. The response to such posts should be swift: the first moderator to see it, should record and delete it. Logs are also automatically kept that cannot be deleted or modified by moderators anyway, so there is always a record of what really happened. In any other large spiritual or religious community, this is how moderation works: you act, and ask questions / flesh out the situation later. Protection of the community is paramount, and this also helps to control bullies who like to use things to their advantage to attack organization spaces and people. They start to learn that they aren't more powerful than the administration, which sadly wasn't true in the House of Netjer, and still seems to be the case.

But that's not how our moderation works. In our moderation system, the moderators are so petrified, so frozen, by the potential response by the community, they have absolutely no teeth. They will leave content sit will they discuss it for a week (exaggeration to make a point) and then, maybe, it will get removed. By that point, the damage is already done. What's worse is that if they do remove content, the community can go into an uproar, and the moderators are basically forced by a combination of the community being out of control, and direction from the higher-ups (*coughs*Tamara) to not keep curtailing conversations as it makes things worse (well it wouldn't if we had have set our boundaries and stuck to them to begin with, but whatever), to let that go on without intervention.

What I'm describing here is a community that has no idea how to accept being told "No", and what ends up happening, is that good things are taken away, to make moderation "easier" and to save face (something the House has always prioritized above all else). They want the place to not need moderation, so their solution is to remove the "human" spaces they think is causing all the uproar, where they perceive people could perpetually get themselves into trouble.

This is not the way.

Community Insults: allowed to stand in plain sight

This whole situation was then exasperated by a member calling out the personal support content as "adolescent angst" and calling people talking about abuse by friends/family "adolescent hyperbole", before finally stating that "mature adults" can't tolerate this stuff. Well last I checked, "mature adults" can keep on scrolling if they don't like the content, and moderators can reinforce that community standard by reminding people they don't have to report every iota of a thing they don't like, they can simply move the fuck on. I'm not saying some of the content wasn't angst or hyperbole, but I can say it is incredibly offensive to have a member say that in front of other members who are literally struggling with mental health on a daily basis, and really needed that channel to find support from their fellow members.

This exchange caused no fewer than two members to leave in short order, and honestly it is hard to blame them. Meanwhile, other honest, truthful feelings posted about the situation were removed.

The Johnson Amendment

This was all coupled by a lot of misinformation on the Johnson Amendment, and the reason for removing the current-world-affairs space as well as curtailing certain topics and feelings people can express via that means. So let's talk about the Johnson Amendment, what it is, and what it isn't.

What is it, what is prohibited:

The Johnson Amendment is a tax law. It explains that tax-exempt organizations cannot participate in, or intervene in favor of or against, any political campaign or political candidate. This means, for exmaple, tax-exempt organizations cannot collect political contributions on behalf of a person or campaign, or make statements to support candidates from any official organizational office (eg: from the pulpit for example).

The Johnson Amendment targets the organization and its official offices and officers, not general membership.

What is NOT prohibited:

General membership discussing politics, even in official spaces such as Churches

Voter registration drives

Voter educational activities

Preaching and teaching on social and political issues of concern

Publishing material that outlines political issues for voters

Political forums that do not explicitly endorse candidates or groups

How many organizations have gotten in trouble under this law?

Since it's implementation in 1954, one single organization ahead of the 1992 election was dinged. It was due to them taking out advertisements in newspapers calling on Christians not to vote a certain way (a clear violation of the amendment). In otherwords, your violation of the Johnson Amendment has to be pretty on-the-nose to get in trouble.

Where the problem lies for HoN:

HoN needs to get over itself. They are not about to become the second case in history to fall to the Johnson Amendment, particularly based on the content we used to have (which was not a violation ever of the Johnson Amendment). But the House has enemies. I'm not talking about critics (which are natural and necessary), I'm talking about people who actually want to direct harm toward the organization, its officials, and its membership. And there is that anxiety that is born of potentially a bunch of people getting together to report molehills, and eventually turning it into a mountain.

So I get it, I really do: No one wants to live in or inflict that anxiety. But there has to be a balance. Spiritual organizations serve people as a whole, not just "parts" of people. So as the House 'takes things away', I'd love to know more about what the House will be doing to give some balance to that situation.

Decisions like this do feel a lot like taking away the humanity of Kemetic Orthodoxy. We had one space where people felt free enough to just 'be an emotional human', and it was taken away. That does hurt on some level, it hurt people enough to leave, and I think taking it away rather than reformulating the idea of the space was probably not the right call.

Religious groups. have. social. spaces. online. You can go to huge religious forums and see things like spaces for different life stages, age groups, hobbies and interests, history, physical health, mental health, ethics, morality, news and current events, the list goes on. The fact that we can't figure out how to do that, with a fraction of the membership of other organizations, is concerning. We can't seem to figure out how to serve the community without restricting heavily the same community we serve.

I kind of hate that.

Final Thoughts

The House of Netjer no longer has any idea what it means to be human in my book. In previous opinions, I've often stated I felt the House of Netjer was still a safe space for people of the Kemetic persuasion to be, and I would even continue to recommend it to others.

That opinion has changed.

The House of Netjer is not a place you want to be if you want to be a Kemetic Polytheist, and definitely not if you want to be human while doing it. The House of Netjer is ableist at the very least and is in the habit of protecting bullies and liars. They've also shown to be American-centric, racist, and classist over the years as well, things which I wish I would have paid attention to a long, long time ago. My feelings right now is that everyone who has ever donated a dollar to this organization has been duped by Tamara Siuda into paying for her living expenses, and not much else.

If you're wondering why I'm saying this while still being a part of Kemetic Orthodox membership: don't worry -- I'm not. I've formally resigned from the ableist organization called "House of Netjer" who has been traumatizing people, or allowing them to be traumatized, for 20+ years.

I do wish a lot of people the best within the organization, and I wish them all the luck in the world for reorganization. They are having voting soon to put at least I think two fresh faces on the organization's board, so if you are still in the House of Netjer and still holding out fucking hope it's going to be anything other than a shit-show: choose and vote wisely. Some people are listening to you more than others.

#kemetic orthodoxy #house of netjer #netjer #kemet #kemetic #kemeticism #polytheism #paganism #rant #feelings #humanity #support

[g-xix]

Hi! I saw you were talking about the Dream situation and wanted to put in my 2¢. (I saw you explain why you wouldn't watch the video and 100% agree so if you want to ignore this ask go right ahead o7)

Dream made some good points in his video. And some... less good ones. Almost all of his evidence is a) just his word, b) conversation logs that he typed himself in pastebin or c) statements supposedly from a victim but without any proof that it's actually them. Even the more sturdy evidence, the snapchat data, has been edited and cropped. Not a lot of hard evidence, and not enough for me to have a definitive opinion. (and I have to say, seeing how much he lied about the speedruning stuff does NOT make me believe he would just admit to sexting minors if it was true)

One thing I definitely have an opinion on, is the racist edits and comments he made in the past few years. Defending the use of the r slur, the cultural appropriation/ disrespecting Native American culture, plus all the sex jokes he made about his minor friends. And then the way he's aware his community regularly harasses and doxes people he respond to, and not only haven't stopped (even in the video), but said he found it "satisfying." All of that was in the last few years, and none of it have been addressed.

And, I don't know if he groomed anyone. But he clearly was messaging several fans of his (huge power imbalance), when they were minors and he was an adult, on SNAPCHAT. Like, that's not something responsible to do?

There's more but I think I've made my point. If he did it, I hope his victims get justice. If he didn't, good! Less suffering in the world. But I do not and will never like him or his fans

Ayup

YESSS THANKU! I think in my first post ab "wtf is happening w Dream n allat atm?" I asked whether there's plausible evidence, and this answers that, so big thanks.

Context is suuuuper important when giving evidence and proofing your argument, and the fact that supposedly he's been cropping his without context does undermine his ethos which i assume he tried to create with these message logs. And yeah, his credibility would definitely only further reduced by previous lies told like that Speed-running one

And the racist jokes, I haven't seen before tbh but something tells me if i saw them i'd probs also agree is very morally fuking weird from him.

I think talking to fans online asw is just a big no, now especially. Like, we've been through so many "x is found for messaging minors on Twitter/snap/blahblahblah", i think it's safe to say that creators will just interact with their fanbases waaay less on a personal level - which is an interesting mix of good-riddance, and a bit sad, considering lots of editors or YouTubers are given a platform through interacting with their favourite creators, i.e. Ranboo, who got a reply from Philza in the DMs abt one of his first MC vids, which kinda helped him keep creating

(Not sure if that makes much sense, but j so that it's v v v clear - I do not support messaging minors sexually - that's fucking weird and a BIG no-go!)

But specifically using that power imbalance when messaging fans, particularly to get something out of them is fundamentally wrong - especially when it is (as accused) for sexual purposes. Like, c'mon, just date someone in your age group? Is it really that hard to pull someone your own age?

Yeah, cheers for the Xtra fyi's, anon 👍

#WAFFLE!! #dream #dream neg #dreamwastaken neg #dream situation #dwt neg

[chaoticstarlightwonderland]

Spy x Family Naegiri + Izuru Kamukura AU

Kyoko Kirigiri as the spy suddenly tasked with making a family appear out of thin air. As a young girl, her father died in the early bombings and her mother, fearing for Kyoko’s safety, sent her on a train to her estranged grandfather. Said grandfather was the leader of an intelligence agency and from then on Kyoko was trained in all things related to spying. Even after her grandfather’s death she still continued with this career, believing that it was her duty to give other people a peaceful lifestyle that she will never be able to truly understand.

Makoto Naegi as the assassin who needed to swallow his moral quandaries to look after his sister. As he has gotten older he felt like he couldn’t leave because a lot of his targets were dangerous people. The current peace is so fragile, he wants to do everything he can so that more people can have hope for the future.

But who would their telepathic child be? I know Shuichi is often depicted as a naegiri baby but I don’t think he is chaotic enough to get into the same shenanigans that Anya does. What character would purposefully cause so much chaos for their own amusement?

Izuru (Kamukura) the young telepath who is desperate for anything to escape the eternal boredom. Everyone’s thoughts are so predictable. Even going to the outside world quickly become boring for the young boy.

Izuru is definitely smarter than Anya in canon, but not as smart as he is in DR. He is good at the sciences, the technical stuff and the hard rules the language and arts, but he is so apathetic that he struggles with emotional nuances in all these subjects. Perhaps the reason why scientists thought he was a failure is because Izuru didn’t care enough about what people thought and the results of the tests.

Whether he escaped or was kicked out, Izuru survives using his telepathy. He decides to use a different name to cover his tracks, calling himself “Hajime” when other people ask. Through all this, nothing reduces his boredom and he never tries to bond with anyone. He gets adopted for his intelligence and kicked out for his creepiness 4 times.

Then one day Kyoko arrives at his orphanage, and Izuru reads the most interesting mind he has ever encountered, the mind of a spy. Surely if there are any people in the world that could keep Izuru entertained, it would be the thrilling, dangerous life of a secret agent. Izuru also supposed they have something in common since Izuru created the “Hajime” identity.

The two have a different bond than Loid and Anya initially. Kyoko and Izuru initially find a decent rapport due to their naturally stoic and analytical personalities. Their first roadblock is when Kyoko has to get Izuru to do something he is not interested in (Such as studying subjects he is not interested in or befriending kids/targets). Kyoko realises the two haven’t actually been acting like parent and child before then. Kyoko buys parenting books for research and realises that Izuru’s behaviour may be a trauma response for his past. Izuru experiences an unknown emotion having an adult not throw him out when he’s being difficult. Also, Kyoko understands Izuru more than other cuz she herself can be very detached to individual problems. For Kyoko it’s due to her upbringing and because she is usually busy focusing on the bigger national issues.

In comes Makoto who takes Yor’s role as the “emotionally intelligent parent” in the family. Izuru immediately wants this harmless-looking deadly assassin under his roof, and tries to set the two adults up. Unlike Anya who sings about she wants a mama, Izuru is probably like “Hello, my mother is a single woman who is considered attractive by many people. How would you like to snatch her up before the rest of the competition.” Complete deadpan 5 year old here. Makoto and Kyoko are very shocked, but they do end up talking and eventually settle into the arrangement they do in canon.

Here Makoto acts as a stronger emotional glue to Kyoko and Izuru as the two are too stoic to develop a proper bond on their own. Makoto is also very caring towards Izuru and tries to be supportive when he knows that Izuru struggles with emotions, either his own or other people. Izuru is a soo a bit shocked by this because before he was always demonised for supposedly having no emotions but Makoto accepts Izuru just the way he is. I think Izuru quickly becomes attached even if the boy can’t explain way, and Makoto is happy to have such a cute stepson.

As for how Makoto covers his assassin skill, unlike Yor with clumsy lies, Makoto has a “talent” for disguising attacks and assassin skills as dumb luck sometimes good sometimes bad. You know that martial art that is based on the fighter being drunk while doing it? Well Makoto is similar except it’s not drunkenness but clumsiness that Makoto uses. Partly out of practice to disguise his skills, and partly due to Makoto-brand luck, it often looks like he slipped and accidentally hit someone so hard they passed out. Or he slipped, tumbled down a hill and landed on the bad guy. Kyoko never gets suspicious because Makoto’s klutziness is so extreme it can’t be faked. Surely.

Like the original all 3 grow to become a family, even if they don’t realise it for a long while. Perhaps the character who ends up with the most change by the end is Izuru turned Hajime.

I see Izuru’s in this AU like this:

In danganronpa, a boy named Hajime turns into lab creation Izuru Kamukura.

In this world, a lab creation called Izuru becomes a boy named Hajime.

#sorry I don’t know how coherent this is I’m just about to go to bed #danganronpa #spy x family #danganronpa au #spy x family au #naegiri #naegiri parenting #makoto naegi #kyoko kirigiri #izuru kamukura #hajime hinata #sort of #my post #naegiri spy x family au #izuru kamukura project #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #danganronpa 1 #danganronpa 2 #danganronpa spoilers #spy x family spoilers #spyxfamily #spy family

[joannerowling]

On the issue with James, I do think this is one area where the books aren’t ageless and have to be read in the context of an English school in the 70s written by an author in the 90s. Because by today’s standards, James is less of your garden variety ‘boys will be boys’ type bully and more of an actual sociopath well past the age of criminal responsibility who by 16 had committed one public sexual assault and was an accessory to attempted murder who backed out last second. But I don’t think that’s at all what Jo meant to convey.

Let me guess. Snape fan? :P

Look, my issue with this discourse has always been that only James seems to get so much flack for his most morally ambiguous actions. I mean, Hermione disfigured a girl her age with zits spelling "sneak" because she'd given the DA members out to Umbridge. Harry nearly gored Malfoy to death by using an unknown spell he knew was meant "for enemies". Yet, i've never seen anyone hating on James that would go as hard against these other characters.

On your first point: James wasn't an accessory to attempted murder who backed out last second. Sirius was the one who tricked Snape and nearly got him killed (which would have made Lupin an accessory to murder). James acted to stop it as soon as he realised what Sirius had done. His reasons for doing so remain obscure - Snape thinks he wanted to save his own skin because he would have been blamed alongside Sirius, but that's Snape's interpretation, not exactly the most unbiased source.

Next: i ressent people misusing the term "sexual assault" to describe what James does in Snape's worst memory (a take that, btw, i've only seen upheld as if it were common knowledge by Americans, or very "Americanised" fans). The definition of sexual assault is "unwanted sexual contact", and in the UK especially it pretty much means "rape without penetration". I do think Jo meant for it to be taken seriously (its parallel with the Muggles's treatment by Death Eaters in GoF is clear), only people didn't really at the time. Still. James humiliated Snape, i'd say what he did qualifies as sexual harrassment, and he's rightfully painted as the bad guy in that episode, but he didn't sexually assault Snape.

Also, because we only have that one scene to work with, everyone seems to forget the larger context, namely: Snape created that spell. Judging by the way Death Eaters were still using it 15+ years later, i imagine James wasn't the first nor the last in his generation to use it against another student. I always saw it as a bit analogous to those dangerous/humiliating games that suddenly become trendy with high schoolers until someone gets hurt enough for adults to intervene. I'm comforted in that interpretation by the fact that Snape implies James didn't even know HE was the one to invent the spell, suggesting it started as a thing Snape showed to other Slytherins to gain some social cred, which then spread to the whole school.

Anyways, if that makes James a sociopath, then Hogwarts must have been chock-full of them in the 70s, starting with Snape himself. Maybe the point isn't that Snape or James (or Sirius) are sociopaths, but that imminent war tends to turn people more prone to violence and less likely to abide by moral principles, or consider their designated enemies's humanity. I have no doubt that James morally justified himself and his actions by the fact that Snape belonged to the "bad crowd" of Voldemort's future recruits. Even though we readers know enough about Snape to be able to tell that he was never seriously convinced by Pure Blood superiority.

#replies #anon #james potter #severus snape

[shihalyfie]

Hi. I'm someone who has been planning to rewatch Digimon Frontiers. I remember watching it as a kid, but hoping to rewatch it as an adult to see how it still holds up. Before that though, I've been wondering about how that series has treated Izumi in light of a lot of the fandom's complaints about her. I've only watched the American English dub, but I am wondering about why she was written as she was and how it differs from the Japanese version. I also saw your meta on the writers for her episodes, honestly surprised that her episodes were written by female writers. I can use your perspective on why she was written that way since you seem more knowledgeable about the franchise as a whole.

I'm also curious how much romance has actually been a thing in the Digimon franchise, or if it is mainly just a small subplot that's usually kept in the back.

I appreciate any information you can give.

Hello! Thank you for dropping by!

Regarding Frontier and Izumi, to be honest, I don't really think there are too many substantial differences between the American English dub and original Japanese version to the point I could make any in-depth analysis. (There are changes, but it's in a very vague blanket realm of "the insults and bantering are a little harsher", and it's definitely not Adventure or 02 level.) The Japanese version has the infamous "Sexy Dynamite" frame, so one might argue that it was even worse about it, but small details aside, I think the good points and the complaints you could make are pretty much the same.

As for why the writing around Izumi is so glaring compared to prior (and perhaps most other) Digimon series, I honestly can't say. As far as female creator presence in the main staff room goes, as you mentioned, Izumi's key episodes were by female writers, and Seki was still producer. And on top of that, while Tomita fully admitted that he had a hard time writing girls, I honestly can't believe that's the (sole?) cause of it when I look at his other portfolio works, including some fan-favorite episodes of Sailor Moon and, in general, some magical girl series with excellent female characters.

Perhaps it's the fact that it's the first Digimon anime series to not have any involvement from Yoshimura Genki (who was responsible for most of the writing around Ruki in Tamers and is currently known as a hardcore feminist), or perhaps Bandai panicking about the franchise's poor sales made them lock down harder on "we need to Please the Boys" (something that does sometimes end up in being neglectful of female characters), or perhaps the fact that Izumi was the only girl in the core group made them more inclined to treat her like the Designated Girl Character™ of the series...but this is all speculation, and your guess is as good as mine, especially since we have so little information on Frontier's production compared to others.

As for the question on romance, it's pretty much always been a subplot at best, most likely because the majority of major human characters in the franchise are elementary to middle school age and are thus way too young to be considering "serious" romance or relationships (middle school being probably the youngest you can push the limit as treating a relationship as "serious" instead of just being a puppy crush). Moreover, Adventure and 02 seemed to take the stance of "romance is a part of one's life, but not the most important thing in one's life" (something that seems to have frustrated a lot of fans regarding the series not caring enough about shipping), so even stuff related to Yamato and Sora is carefully squared off to the side like it's not anyone's business. As much as I like to make ship-related jokes, if asked in a serious context, I personally never believed that most of anyone's behavior towards anyone in Adventure or 02 had legitimate romantic sentiment behind it, mostly because they were too young for it; even Daisuke's crush on Hikari comes off to me as him being clingy because she's cute and not really taking the time to think about what the next steps would entail.

Other than Yamato and Sora, putting one-sided humorous crushes aside, the closest to explicit depictions of (human) romance that actually seem plot-relevant would probably be Takato and Juri in Tamers, which even then is not really that explicit (although the people involved in its creation love to talk about it like it's a sort of damsel-in-distress plot), and Kiriha and Nene in the Xros Wars manga, which also is prominent and related to the plot but also not that big of an element in it. Sometimes it seems like it's milking the concept of romance more than it's usually done in practice (an episode of Savers is styled like it's Yoshino having a love story with a childhood friend, but if you actually watch the episode it's at most just her having mixed feelings about a childhood friend falling from grace). So it's honestly been a series that's hands-off with romance for the most part, with most of the shipping and romance-related content being on the part of the fans.

By the way, the official reason there's no explicit depiction of Yamato and Sora in Kizuna (despite them being a known endgame canon couple) is that it would have been overly conspicuous and obstructive in a movie that only had 90 minutes to tell its story. (I know there are a lot of people who think the real reason is "because it was controversial and they don't want to get people mad," but personally, I feel that if they were worrying about controversy, they wouldn't have given Kizuna such a controversial premise in the first place!) So I imagine that's the main reason we've gotten so little romance; it's exactly because it's such a crowd-pleaser and overly conspicuous element that they want to avoid it, because Digimon is frankly a complex franchise with a lot of expectations and mechanics that it needs to worry more about, and it's hard to cram a prominent romance plot in there in a way that would be tonally appropriate.

#m0nk767 #shiha's ask box #digimon multi series talk

[allycat75]

Let's talk a bit about anxiety, Boston Dumb Fuck.

(a bit of a long one, but I feel some things have been brought up in recent days that I thought should be addressed. Still think I am screaming into a void, but if this helps anyone struggling, it is worth it)

But more specifically, responsibility for ones own anxiety care. And before I start, I want to emphasize I have no doubt of your struggle. It is like being haunted and there are few places to hide. I can understand why your instinct was to shush it all away, but I think you can see now, that did little for your coping skills.

Anxiety doesn't go away by ignoring it, or worse, pawning it off on others. It requires planning, rehearsals and simple acknowledgement to be able to function in your day, doing as little harm to yourself and others. Some days will be better or worse, of course, mainly because anxiety does serve a physiological purpose- it helps us to recognize threats. Our job is to identify if those threats are real or not and to what degree can we mitigate either the threat itself or our response to it. The more we practice, the less we are held hostage by the "fight", "flight", "freeze" and "fawn" responses.

I would argue, BDF, what you have done with this PR stunt is set off a dirty bomb of anxiety, born out of your own fears that got you to agree to this ridiculous plan in the first place, and spread radioactively throughout your fandom. You poisoned the ones standing closest to it, the ones who supported you the most, and began by confounding what was real and what was fake. This, in turn, bloomed into self-doubt and warring factions, leading many of us to question what is true and false and honestly, which was worse. And do we care either way?

You manipulated situations, told half-truths and outright lies, not to telegraph to or protect your fans, but to selfishly create plausible deniability and legal CYA for yourself when this is over. It's like the type of obfuscation used by Aaron Rogers when he smugly blamed everyone for thinking he got the NFL required COVID vaccine, when all he said was he had "immunity", basically saying "I am sorry you were too stupid to interpret the exact words that came out of my mouth and not the spirit behind them."

We are considered collateral damage in a junior high drama produced by grown adults, that we were drafted into participating against our knowledge and permission. We are all a bit on edge, at least the ones who decided to stay to see how this all plays out, and it is kinda, sorta cruel to inflict that hurt on those who had your back at one point, when you know how painful this process can be.

Only looking out for yourself, but what is left to look out for at this point? You look sickly and broken. No real career prospects currently and seemingly no drive to find them. You have nothing to offer any decent woman. No discernible coping or decision making skills. No discernible skills at all, really. There are enough people already making great pottery and I think Jinx can sell dog food just fine without you.

And this is not even getting into how "marrying" that little prize of a wifey now normalizes racism, sexism, antisemitism, agism, xenophobia, fatshaming and pay-to-play vs actual talent and dedication to craft.

So if all of this gives you anxiety, it most definitely should, and know this is of your own making. But the best thing is, it can be of your own fixing as well. You can become the person with discernible skills of all types. You can get roles that match the talent you have hidden within you. You can be worthy of that soulmate Empress partner. You just need to get rid of the wrong people, get a hold of the right people and do the goddamn work, you privleged son of a bitch!

Just some things to contemplate as you come out of your dissociative state, realize you have an impact on the world around you and consider the amends you may need to make to repair the damage left behind.

Until you can get yourself to a trained professional (but please find one soon and start the hard work), hopefully some of these resources can be helpful:

For your family and friends:

#liars suck! #you are the company you keep #i don't like hypocrites #i hate manipulation #coward #boston antisemite #boston racist #boston fatshamer #get some help #do better #stop the shushing- learn the lesson #check your privlege #is this who you want to be?

[kradogsrats]

something that’s kind of been dancing around my head not fully articulated is like... just how fucked up Claudia is, like emotionally?

Like she and Soren have a light golden-child/scapegoat dynamic going on, of course. That’s bad for both sides, long-term. (Also I imagine that it was a lot worse during their pre-teen years, when Claudia was blossoming as a mage but Soren didn’t have the external validation of the Crown Guard yet.) But the real thing that I think explains so much of how Claudia behaves is that she has spent most of her childhood providing the caretaking emotional labor of a wife and mother.

I don’t think Viren consciously goes to Claudia for emotional support (because I don’t think he’s self-aware enough to go to anyone for emotional support), but I do think Claudia is providing it, anyway. She brings him coffee when he’s tired, tries to cheer him up or distract him when he’s frustrated or upset--she’s almost definitely hyper-vigilant in her awareness of his moods. Some of this is because she feels responsible for managing him (because who else is going to do it?), and some of it is no doubt because of the fear that underpins the golden-child position (if the golden child don’t consistently please the parent, the tables may turn on them).

(This is absolutely an abusive dynamic, btw. But not a terribly rare one for children of divorced parents.)

With Soren she also takes a caretaker/”the responsible one” role--I bet there was a stretch of time where any trouble Soren got into, Claudia inevitably got asked, “and why didn’t you (the mature one) stop him?” That’s part of why she behaves the way she does when Soren is paralyzed, because she feels like she has personally failed in her duty to look after him. (Also of note: she doesn’t even consider going to Viren for help--whether because the double failure of losing the egg and then not even being able to keep Soren safe is completely unacceptable, or simply because both she and Viren take for granted that she will solve all her problems herself, as an adult would.)

There’s a lot to unpack about her reaction when Soren leaves. A lot of her choice to stay with Viren is reluctance to face moral self-examination, for sure, but I think there’s also an element of her thinking that she’s the only one who can keep him from going completely off the rails (as if he already hasn’t). She’s also on some level angry that Soren is thinking for himself, when he’s supposed to follow her lead--she’s the mature one, she makes the decisions for them... for Soren to stand up to her like this is destabilizing to the dynamic they’ve always had. Finally, she really doubles down in her caretaking of Viren by... spending two years to raise him from the dead. Because she has spent her entire life taking care of Soren and Viren, and with Soren having rejected her, she’s damn well going to take care of Viren because she literally doesn’t know what else to do with herself.

anyway idk, bb girl has had a bad time, is all

#the dragon prince #claudia #i actually had to check because i was sure lissa told claudia to stay with soren and viren because they both needed her #but actually what she says is that soren and claudia need each other #so points for that i guess? #meanwhile VIREN: SHITTY DAD OF THE YEAR

[anghraine]

I never saw anyone complainy about Darcy's reaction to Georgiana, but if I saw I would riot. He is a victim of Wickham and his decision, while not 100% right is not to be judge. I say this especially because I saw a similar situation in my life, where a girl of 14 had a thing with an adult and believe me, instead of judging the adult, a lot of people were blaming the girl, THE 14 YEAR OLD GIRL WAS BLAMED NOT THE 26 MAN.

So, if even nowadays we have dumb people judging a child instead of the adult, imagine in the regency era. If I was Georgiana sister I would 100% be quiet. I wouldn't want my sister to go through what I saw that 14 year old go through.

Besides, If someone is to blame for what happened with Lydia is Mr and Mrs Bennet, her parents, especially Mr. Bennet. He knew his daughter was innocent and would do inappropriate things and, instead of doing his fatherly duty and forbid her to go and help her to be more reasonable.

I've definitely seen it, unfortunately.

While the #1 responsible party is Wickham, by a mile, Lydia's general propensity towards impulsive, self-serving actions is pretty clearly a result of her parents' mixture of over-indulgence and neglect. Wickham would have been a danger to someone regardless, but the Bennet parents' impact on Lydia by 16 made her a particularly convenient target for Wickham or anyone else who flattered his way into her affections.

I also think that people sometimes forget that, while Georgiana is the proximate victim and has suffered the most acutely, the one Wickham really wanted to punish in her case was Darcy. When he trashes Georgiana to Elizabeth, the point seems less malice towards Georgiana herself (I suspect that "she is nothing to me" is one of the truer things he says) than tainting Darcy by association ("she is too much like her brother", etc). And he does also smear Darcy's character directly, of course.

This isn't to say that Darcy has it worse than Georgiana or Lydia, because he certainly doesn't or come close, but I think it's worth noting that he is the primary target of Wickham's malice and one of his victims as well, and people don't always appreciate just what a villain Wickham represented him as in their social context.

Even the vague details of Wickham's account that Darcy picks up from Elizabeth's rejection are enough to tell him he's been accused of something he considers depraved and a number of people, including Elizabeth, fully believe it. That's not equivalent to Wickham's exploitation of teenage girls, but it's still very bad, actually! So the idea that Darcy is the main culprit here is pretty distasteful to me, personally.

We can acknowledge that Darcy could have sacrificed the reputation of his 15-y-o sister (and ward) to protect any number of other girls, and instead he chose to prioritize the welfare of a single person because he personally loves her and is responsible for her. But we can also acknowledge that it's an awful choice to have to make and only happened because Wickham is a shitheel and Darcy keeps having to do damage control.

My best friend and I have talked about this kind of moral quandary—I'm sure there's a formal name somewhere, but we often talk about the question of whether taking a certain action for moral reasons, when you might have taken even more moral actions, is ignoble or simply less noble than you might have been. Like, are people obligated to do the most righteous thing possible, regardless of the cost to themselves or those around them, to be considered acting rightly at all? I'm not a philosopher, but I think it's a pretty difficult question and certainly more complex than "Darcy trying to protect the child under his care is reprehensible toxic masculinity" or whatever.

#and yeah the consequences for georgiana would be pretty dire imo #reputation-wise #anon replies #respuestas #austen blogging #austen fanwank #lady anne blogging #fitzwilliam darcy #george wickham #georgiana darcy #lydia bennet #long post

[kittleimp]

Luo Binghe's Ages

This matters to no one except me, but I put too much thought into it, so here we are! This is based on canon information, but it’s not definitively canon in and of itself. It’s what I’ll use in any fics I write, though.

In this setting, ages are counted only in sui (lunar years), as in traditional Chinese age reckoning. This creates a 1-2 year difference between modern age reckoning.

Age of majority is 16 sui/14 years. At this age, a person is legally responsible for themself, as well as the choices that they make.

This is, apparently, the age of consent in mainland China. I’m not comfortable with that and this is fantasy, so I get to make the rules.

Age of consent is 18 sui/16 years. At this age, a person is considered an adult in the matter of sexual activity and marriage. This is selected purely because it’s the law where I live.

People over the age of 20 sui/18 years being involved with anyone younger than them is generally frowned upon, unless they were both under that age when they met. There is no law about this, but people take it seriously. If the age gap is large enough or if the older party is in a position of power, the older party may face… let’s call it extra-judicial consequences.

With that in mind, here's what I'm going with!

Luo Binghe’s Ages

1 sui/0 years: LBH is born, probably in either December or January.

2 sui/0 years: LBH’s first Lunar New Year occurs shortly after his birth.

14 sui/12 years: LBH and the newly transmigrated SQQ meet for the first time.

15 sui/13 years: SQQ is poisoned with Without A Cure.

19 sui/17 years: The Immortal Alliance Conference happens.

20 sui/18 years: LBH defeats MBJ and starts gaining power in the demon realm.

21 sui/19 years: LBH joins Huan Hua Palace Sect and begins his takeover plans.

22 sui/20 years: LBH reunites with SQQ in Jin Lan City.

27 sui/25 years: LBH and SQQ have their encounter at Maigu Ridge.

#svsss #svsss meta

[applecherry108]

Yooo about your au!

As an olny child I tend to keep things mostly to myself thinking 'Yeah I can handle this alone' when I actually can't- does that happen to Leo too?

Alsooo- One of my friends who has siblings and took care of them basically always- but the thing is, they tend to become very childish whenever there is anyone old or mature enough to keep them in check around. Like they are very responsible and all but the momment there is a parent figure around they are a child.

Could this happen to Leo? Like take care for example: Mickey

But the momment anyone slightly older is around he just goes on 'time to be a child mode'

Sorry for rambling but I really like your au! ^^

I’ve been thinking about it as I solidify what Leo is actually like in this au, and… Leo wouldn’t actually put everything everything on his shoulders. Because he meets April way earlier than he did in canon (he’s maybe…5-8 when he meets her?), so he actually thinks of himself as a younger brother rather than an older one. He knows he has brothers but given how they were essentially separated at birth, he doesn’t know anything about them. What they look like, how they act, what their age order is. Honestly, he probably subconsciously thinks of himself as the baby of the family bc their presence is always looming over them.

But then they meet. And it’s weird. Raph is bigger than him, Donnie’s more mature than him, but yeah. Then there’s Mikey. And given how he and Mikey were separated (comic in progress lol), I think he’d be very very protective of him. Except this Mikey doesn’t need protecting? If anyone needs it, it’s their two “older” brothers who grew up relatively sheltered all things considered. And maybe that’s where Serious Leader Leo kicks in, because he kind of finally gets it, that his family needs protecting. He needs to take care of them and he had the only parent that prepared him for that.

But he’d definitely be suuuuuper awkward around the other parents at first. 😂 It took a long time for him and Splinter to mend their own relationship but even then Leo has never had….a real adult figure? And given all the terrible things he’s heard about Mama and Draxum and The Foot Clan, he wouldn’t be able to go full Babey mode for quite a while around them. That being said, even with his family back together and 4 additional parents in the mix, the moment Big Sister April walks in he goes FULL baby brother mode. 😂😂

#April is still April but her and Leo’s relationship is a lot more like canon Leo and Raph #splinter does eventually step up but for the first few years leo is almost fending for himself and then April becomes his primary caregiver #she teaches him how to read they go shopping together they just hang out and have fun and she helps set them up in the ‘condemned’ apartment #above hers… 🥺 she’s even the one who leads to his name. he didn’t…..have a name. before he met April. not even Blue (or green). just….. #‘my son’ 😢 #a lot of what she doesn’t isn’t exactly mothering Leo per say more like. calling splinter out on his bullshit. #she also gets formal ninja training with Leo tho so that’s cool #she’s also very encouraging of his goofball antics and him just….being a kid. #apple talks #parent trap au #rottmnt